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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly- - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:09,312 --> 00:00:11,078 [CROWD CHANTING] U-S-A! 3 00:00:11,180 --> 00:00:14,582 Hello, racist bumper-sticker salespeople, 4 00:00:14,684 --> 00:00:16,884 guys who've punched a claw machine, 5 00:00:16,986 --> 00:00:20,421 people who frequently graffiti their ex's garage door, 6 00:00:20,523 --> 00:00:23,758 teens who will have their Ivy League admission rescinded, 7 00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:26,193 - and other shrieking jackals! - [CROWD CHEERS] 8 00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:29,006 I'm here to announce that, in 2020, 9 00:00:29,031 --> 00:00:33,144 win or lose, I will win the election! 10 00:00:33,169 --> 00:00:34,601 [CROWD CHEERING] 11 00:00:34,703 --> 00:00:36,757 I'm walking over here now... 12 00:00:36,782 --> 00:00:39,250 showing you that I'm keepin' it loose... 13 00:00:39,275 --> 00:00:42,686 proving to everyone that I can be a tough walkin' man. 14 00:00:42,711 --> 00:00:45,242 And now I'm moseying on back. 15 00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:46,267 [CROWD CHEERS] 16 00:00:46,292 --> 00:00:49,626 Now, as I explained to ABC's George Snuffaluffagus, 17 00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:51,969 I am now accepting foreign intelligence 18 00:00:51,994 --> 00:00:53,897 on my Democratic opponents. 19 00:00:53,922 --> 00:00:55,576 Simply call the number below! 20 00:00:55,601 --> 00:00:57,401 Operators are standing by! 21 00:00:57,426 --> 00:01:01,138 No more stuff on Biden. That treasure chest is full! 22 00:01:01,163 --> 00:01:03,684 So many people have made tonight possible, 23 00:01:03,709 --> 00:01:07,711 but none more so than Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. 24 00:01:07,736 --> 00:01:11,348 You two have done absolutely nothing to stop me, 25 00:01:11,373 --> 00:01:15,095 and, for that, please accept this statue of a family dog 26 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,320 watching the house get robbed. 27 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:20,400 You said we'd discuss the infrastructure bill! 28 00:01:20,425 --> 00:01:21,791 You're being too pushy. 29 00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,327 - Thank you, Mr. President. - [CROWD CHEERING] 30 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,661 - Thank you, everyone! - You're making us blush! 31 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,806 For more on my second-term agenda, 32 00:01:27,831 --> 00:01:31,790 please direct your easily seized attention to the jumbotron! 33 00:01:31,893 --> 00:01:34,170 [NARRATOR] If you thought President Trump's first term 34 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,561 got your pulse pounding, 35 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,131 his second term will make your heart explode. 36 00:01:38,233 --> 00:01:40,766 National Guard... on speed dial. 37 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,036 Nuclear secrets... for sale. 38 00:01:43,138 --> 00:01:45,571 Basic human decency... buh-bye! 39 00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,694 And think Trump can't spell any worse? 40 00:01:47,719 --> 00:01:49,252 Think aglenn. 41 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,976 Donald Trump 2020. 42 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,278 You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster. 43 00:01:53,457 --> 00:01:54,757 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Alright! 44 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,782 - Who wants pig hearts?! - [AIR CANNON FIRING] 45 00:01:56,807 --> 00:02:00,542 Not enough to go around, so start clawing! 46 00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:02,200 ♪♪ 47 00:02:02,225 --> 00:02:05,560 [WHISTLING] 48 00:02:05,585 --> 00:02:09,353 ♪♪ 49 00:02:09,642 --> 00:02:11,407 ♪♪ 50 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,544 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Don, did you put the crime sock on the door? 51 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,310 Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us. 52 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,868 Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment! 53 00:02:17,893 --> 00:02:19,592 How's our Washington hotel? 54 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,705 We're killing it! 55 00:02:20,730 --> 00:02:23,786 The Chinese spent five million dollars on room service. 56 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,678 It's floor-to-ceiling French toast! 57 00:02:25,703 --> 00:02:28,880 Okay, let's hear from my favorite son. Ivanka? 58 00:02:28,905 --> 00:02:30,903 Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury 59 00:02:30,928 --> 00:02:33,295 and said on the weekends, anything goes! 60 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,833 What the hell, Pompeo?! 61 00:02:34,858 --> 00:02:37,131 Hey, is this sock on the doorknob up for grabs? 62 00:02:37,156 --> 00:02:38,670 - It's pretty nice. - La la la la la! 63 00:02:38,695 --> 00:02:40,248 I can't hear what's being conspired in here! 64 00:02:40,272 --> 00:02:41,658 Hey, can I talk to you for a second? 65 00:02:41,682 --> 00:02:43,482 Look what you did, Pompeo! 66 00:02:43,507 --> 00:02:45,240 You take the crime sock off the door, 67 00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,932 and this place turns into Grand Central Station! 68 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,335 So... can I put this on my foot or...? 69 00:02:50,514 --> 00:02:53,382 [JARED] Even though Mueller gave you a pass on collusion, 70 00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,407 you still have to worry about the money laundering, 71 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:56,862 the campaign finance violations, 72 00:02:56,887 --> 00:02:58,687 and those other crimes I won't mention in case 73 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,790 there's still recording devices hidden in the lampshades. 74 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,970 Hello. I'll just pardon myself. Are we done? 75 00:03:03,995 --> 00:03:06,462 I could be committing systematic genocide right now. 76 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:09,247 Okay, it is far from guaranteed that the Supreme Court 77 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,866 will uphold the power to pardon yourself. 78 00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:12,411 Of course they will, Jared. 79 00:03:12,436 --> 00:03:15,970 The ruling was foretold in the Great Prophecy of Valantium. 80 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:17,228 Let me ask you. 81 00:03:17,253 --> 00:03:19,174 H-How exactly do you think the Supreme Court works? 82 00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:20,918 If you spent less time in the weight room 83 00:03:20,943 --> 00:03:22,843 and more time in class, you would know that... 84 00:03:22,868 --> 00:03:24,968 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] ... every half moon, the Supreme Court 85 00:03:24,992 --> 00:03:28,160 rises out of the ancient swamps of Kilga-Goranth 86 00:03:28,185 --> 00:03:30,985 to exact their righteous judgment on our kind. 87 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,284 The big, buff justices 88 00:03:32,309 --> 00:03:34,499 wear magical cloaks that they can keep on 89 00:03:34,524 --> 00:03:36,857 even when they go through airport security. 90 00:03:36,882 --> 00:03:38,882 ♪ Justice ♪ 91 00:03:39,061 --> 00:03:41,429 You're actually a lot closer than I thought. 92 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:42,853 ♪♪ 93 00:03:42,878 --> 00:03:45,045 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Ooh, justice! 94 00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:47,204 Mmm, justice. 95 00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:49,793 Ooh, justice. 96 00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:51,782 I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies 97 00:03:51,807 --> 00:03:54,441 just to shush stepdads and their sons. 98 00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:57,534 Justice John Roberts spoke today at a legal conference 99 00:03:57,636 --> 00:03:59,756 and discussed the power of the president 100 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,648 to pardon himself. Take a look. 101 00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:04,661 Obviously, I'm not going to present my opinion here, 102 00:04:04,686 --> 00:04:05,862 but I will say that 103 00:04:05,887 --> 00:04:08,355 presidential power is not absolute. 104 00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:10,690 Here to analyze Robert's comments 105 00:04:10,715 --> 00:04:13,569 is constitutional scholar, political expert, 106 00:04:13,594 --> 00:04:15,472 and mezzo soprano... me. 107 00:04:15,497 --> 00:04:19,299 ♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪ 108 00:04:19,324 --> 00:04:20,833 ♪♪ 109 00:04:20,858 --> 00:04:24,291 I booked our next big-game hunting trip, Don! 110 00:04:24,316 --> 00:04:26,297 They just shove a drugged-up lion 111 00:04:26,322 --> 00:04:27,974 into the back of a Honda Odyssey, 112 00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:30,120 and we get to shoot it through the windows. 113 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,679 I'm afraid you'll have to take those hunting trips alone. 114 00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:34,701 As the eldest, I'll be inheriting 115 00:04:34,726 --> 00:04:36,392 the presidency in 2024. 116 00:04:36,417 --> 00:04:38,651 So if you're launching your political career, 117 00:04:38,676 --> 00:04:41,921 does that mean I'm gonna run the Trump Organization? 118 00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:43,566 You're not cut out for that! 119 00:04:43,591 --> 00:04:46,392 You're meant for dumber shit like ventriloquism school. 120 00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:49,284 ♪♪ 121 00:04:49,377 --> 00:04:52,035 I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey 122 00:04:52,068 --> 00:04:53,464 didn't have what it takes. 123 00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:55,222 Then you must show Dad that you can be 124 00:04:55,247 --> 00:04:57,280 an upstanding businessman like me. 125 00:04:57,305 --> 00:04:59,030 Now pretend you lost your factory job 126 00:04:59,055 --> 00:05:01,221 so I can practice nodding as if I care. 127 00:05:01,246 --> 00:05:03,015 [SOBBING] W-We're down to one single sheet... 128 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,396 Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care. 129 00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:06,311 - ... of white bread for my family of eleven. - I mean, I do care. 130 00:05:06,335 --> 00:05:07,624 - Nodding, nodding. - Please, Mr. Trump. 131 00:05:07,648 --> 00:05:08,948 ♪♪ 132 00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:10,393 [MCCONNELL] You're not screwed. 133 00:05:10,418 --> 00:05:11,650 You got four out of five 134 00:05:11,675 --> 00:05:13,830 conservative justices in the bag. 135 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,721 Just go schmooze the robes off of him. 136 00:05:15,746 --> 00:05:18,646 I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee. 137 00:05:18,749 --> 00:05:21,348 Check the mug. I just wish I could add more buff 138 00:05:21,373 --> 00:05:23,806 - _ - Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe. 139 00:05:23,831 --> 00:05:25,879 That's called "packing the court", 140 00:05:25,904 --> 00:05:27,665 and there's nothing in the Constitution 141 00:05:27,690 --> 00:05:29,057 that says you can't do it. 142 00:05:29,159 --> 00:05:32,573 I'm sorry, but why the eff did you not say this earlier? 143 00:05:32,598 --> 00:05:34,536 Upending centuries of judicial protocol 144 00:05:34,561 --> 00:05:37,953 is way easier than schmoozing John Roberts for three minutes! 145 00:05:37,978 --> 00:05:39,244 Just a heads up, though. 146 00:05:39,269 --> 00:05:42,047 The Democrats might have some thoughts on this. 147 00:05:42,072 --> 00:05:43,549 [BOTH SCREAMING WILDLY, GLASS SHATTERS] 148 00:05:43,573 --> 00:05:44,873 ♪♪ 149 00:05:44,975 --> 00:05:47,208 [ERIC] And as Aristotle said, 150 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,609 - "Fear is pain... - [GROANING] 151 00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:52,103 ... arising from the anticipation of evil." 152 00:05:52,182 --> 00:05:56,617 That concludes my one-slide PowerPoint by Eric Tump. 153 00:05:56,719 --> 00:06:00,408 Sorry about the typo. I couldn't find the backspace. 154 00:06:00,433 --> 00:06:03,568 Eric, you're just not cut out for the family business. 155 00:06:03,593 --> 00:06:06,614 Remember when I let you build Trump International Manhattan? 156 00:06:06,639 --> 00:06:10,174 I believe you're referring to the infamous Jelly Tower. 157 00:06:10,199 --> 00:06:12,263 We saved a lot of money on beans 158 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,422 but lost a lot of money on jelly. 159 00:06:14,447 --> 00:06:15,513 Hmm. 160 00:06:15,538 --> 00:06:16,937 ♪♪ 161 00:06:16,962 --> 00:06:18,562 [CACKLING WILDLY] 162 00:06:18,741 --> 00:06:21,342 My father liked to dangle his approval in front of me, 163 00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:23,053 and it's only right I do the same. 164 00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:25,534 Prove to me you can handle more responsibility, 165 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:28,237 and I'll make you my last-ditch pick for CEO. 166 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:32,163 Dad, I'll be so responsible, you'll leave your kids with me. 167 00:06:32,188 --> 00:06:34,708 Fat chance! My kids are assholes! 168 00:06:34,733 --> 00:06:36,466 You wouldn't last a second! 169 00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,813 [C-SPAN NARRATOR] We now join the Senate Judiciary Committee 170 00:06:38,837 --> 00:06:40,904 who is hearing testimony from President Trump's 171 00:06:40,929 --> 00:06:44,297 Supreme Court nominee, My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell. 172 00:06:44,453 --> 00:06:46,653 [LINDELL] So, I crawled out of the drain pipe, 173 00:06:46,678 --> 00:06:48,733 my pants shredded like those things 174 00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:50,591 - that slap you at the car wash - _ 175 00:06:50,616 --> 00:06:52,527 when you're hiding out from three guys 176 00:06:52,552 --> 00:06:55,185 with knives Scotch-taped to their knuckles, 177 00:06:55,210 --> 00:06:57,230 and all I've got left to my name 178 00:06:57,255 --> 00:07:01,391 is a baby bottle full of NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake. 179 00:07:01,416 --> 00:07:05,773 So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya gotta get the heck out of Fresno 180 00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:08,467 before you end up married again." 181 00:07:08,492 --> 00:07:12,258 Sir, uh, all we asked was your date of birth. 182 00:07:12,283 --> 00:07:15,471 I can give you the month... summer. 183 00:07:15,496 --> 00:07:18,117 "Crash-and-burn" is what people are saying 184 00:07:18,142 --> 00:07:20,112 about Trump's effort to pack the court. 185 00:07:20,137 --> 00:07:22,411 The three remaining nominees withdrew after learning 186 00:07:22,436 --> 00:07:26,137 their wages would be garnished for child support. Yeesh! 187 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,540 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 188 00:07:28,642 --> 00:07:31,109 [PRESIDENT TRUMP GROANING] 189 00:07:31,211 --> 00:07:32,544 Oh, God. 190 00:07:32,646 --> 00:07:35,347 JUDGE: Donald J. Trump, the court finds you guilty 191 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,661 of phony witch-hunt charges made up by losers and fakes! 192 00:07:38,686 --> 00:07:41,674 I sentence you to a million years in prison! 193 00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:43,466 [GAVEL BANGS] 194 00:07:43,491 --> 00:07:44,656 [CELL-DOOR SLAM ECHOES] 195 00:07:44,759 --> 00:07:46,658 [WARDEN] Recreation time is up! 196 00:07:46,761 --> 00:07:48,727 Everyone back in their cells 197 00:07:48,752 --> 00:07:51,807 for 23 hours of sedentary rest! 198 00:07:51,832 --> 00:07:53,098 - Hooray! - [PRISONER] Whoo! 199 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:55,210 Ahh. I kinda like this. 200 00:07:55,235 --> 00:07:57,684 No one's making me do stuff, food's chewy, 201 00:07:57,709 --> 00:08:00,671 I get cool geometric tattoos from white supremacists. 202 00:08:00,696 --> 00:08:01,928 [RATTLING] 203 00:08:01,953 --> 00:08:04,563 You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie! 204 00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:06,220 I got a million years in here, too! 205 00:08:06,245 --> 00:08:09,067 How many years is a million years? Let's count. 206 00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:12,594 One, two, three, four, five... 207 00:08:12,619 --> 00:08:14,878 sex... sick! seven! 208 00:08:14,903 --> 00:08:17,988 [SCREAMING] 209 00:08:18,013 --> 00:08:20,280 ♪♪ 210 00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:21,599 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] You were right, Mitch. 211 00:08:21,623 --> 00:08:23,104 I must be the schmoozer, 212 00:08:23,129 --> 00:08:24,872 and Supreme Court, the schmoozees. 213 00:08:24,897 --> 00:08:27,118 Great! What we need is a fancy place 214 00:08:27,143 --> 00:08:30,712 where French guys serve Italian food under Chinese lanterns! 215 00:08:30,737 --> 00:08:32,179 We're in Washington, Rudy. 216 00:08:32,204 --> 00:08:34,230 All the restaurants suck, and there aren't any good 217 00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,884 husband-and-wife cabaret acts. 218 00:08:35,909 --> 00:08:37,621 There's only one place ritzy enough 219 00:08:37,646 --> 00:08:39,930 to schmooze Roberts and those other nobodies. 220 00:08:39,955 --> 00:08:43,057 The place where everyone can be whoever they want to be. 221 00:08:43,082 --> 00:08:45,636 As long as they pay the $200,000 fee. 222 00:08:45,661 --> 00:08:47,895 Where on Earth could that be?! 223 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:52,323 - ♪♪ - _ 224 00:08:52,347 --> 00:08:56,347 _ 225 00:08:57,362 --> 00:09:00,562 _ 226 00:09:00,586 --> 00:09:04,586 _ 227 00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:10,410 _ 228 00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:13,734 _ 229 00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,758 _ 230 00:09:15,782 --> 00:09:17,782 _ 231 00:09:17,806 --> 00:09:19,806 _ 232 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:23,330 _ 233 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:27,754 _ 234 00:09:27,778 --> 00:09:30,778 _ 235 00:09:30,802 --> 00:09:32,802 _ 236 00:09:32,826 --> 00:09:37,826 _ 237 00:09:38,737 --> 00:09:42,362 Thank you for all willingly coming to Mar-a-Lago! 238 00:09:42,387 --> 00:09:46,526 For the 1st Annual Supreme Court Gala Spectacular! 239 00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:48,097 - _ - Your security detail picked us all up 240 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,534 from our homes in the dead of night. 241 00:09:49,558 --> 00:09:51,157 And they scared the daylights 242 00:09:51,182 --> 00:09:53,871 out of the paparazzi standing in my yard. 243 00:09:53,896 --> 00:09:57,517 Did you know that last year they made two movies about me? 244 00:09:57,542 --> 00:09:58,542 [JUSTICES, ANNOYED] Yes. 245 00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:00,400 Who gives a crap how we got here? 246 00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,845 We're away from our jobs, our families, 247 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,482 the specters of our past. 248 00:10:04,507 --> 00:10:06,006 That's the alarming spirit. 249 00:10:06,031 --> 00:10:09,556 Swing vote John Roberts, you're so cute and dangerous. 250 00:10:09,581 --> 00:10:12,222 Come ride with me in my executive golf cart. 251 00:10:12,247 --> 00:10:15,348 The rest of you can ride in Stephen Miller's hatchback. 252 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,718 No eating of the smoked trout in the back seat! 253 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,610 That's for Uber customers. 254 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,356 Does Roberts look like he'll melt in my arms yet? 255 00:10:24,381 --> 00:10:27,336 I'd worry more about your sailor on shore leave over there. 256 00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:30,107 It says you're open at 8:00, but it's 8:02! 257 00:10:30,132 --> 00:10:32,565 I could sue you for false advertising! 258 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,822 [BEATBOXING] 259 00:10:33,847 --> 00:10:35,869 He asked the concierge if, instead of a regular room 260 00:10:35,893 --> 00:10:36,992 with a mini-bar, 261 00:10:37,017 --> 00:10:39,082 he could get a mini-room with a regular bar. 262 00:10:39,107 --> 00:10:41,473 I could look after Judge Kavanaugh! 263 00:10:41,498 --> 00:10:42,731 Sure, kid. 264 00:10:42,756 --> 00:10:45,321 Keep that twitchy lush from ruining my schmooze-fest, 265 00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:48,714 and you can be CEO of any of my billion-dollar fronts. 266 00:10:48,739 --> 00:10:49,838 ♪♪ 267 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,128 Excuse me. Could I have a juice? 268 00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:55,464 My on-again-off-again boyfriend always gets me a juice. 269 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,357 I told you... he's a starfucker! 270 00:10:58,382 --> 00:11:00,836 To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience, 271 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,961 you gotta sit with the power players. 272 00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:05,397 - Rudy Giuliani. - God damn it! 273 00:11:05,422 --> 00:11:08,444 I spilled ketchup on the gravy I spilled on my suit! 274 00:11:08,469 --> 00:11:10,613 Shinzo Abe. He's always here. 275 00:11:10,638 --> 00:11:12,904 [SPEAKING JAPANESE] _ 276 00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:15,452 Then there's this Russian guy. We have an understanding. 277 00:11:15,477 --> 00:11:17,109 He tells me to do stuff, and I do it. 278 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,233 [GRUNTS] 279 00:11:18,258 --> 00:11:20,833 We should really invite over the other justices. 280 00:11:20,858 --> 00:11:22,891 They actually told me they think you stink 281 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,383 and are probably a bad kisser. 282 00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,895 The best way to get back at them is to let me pardon myself 283 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,354 for crimes past, present, and future. 284 00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:32,279 I... have to go to the little men's room. 285 00:11:32,304 --> 00:11:35,102 Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it. 286 00:11:35,127 --> 00:11:36,671 Take your meal back to your room. 287 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,762 It's always Shinzo's fault. 288 00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:41,989 And don't spill caramel on the bed again! 289 00:11:42,014 --> 00:11:43,147 [ABE] I know! 290 00:11:43,172 --> 00:11:44,598 So, in order to graduate 291 00:11:44,623 --> 00:11:47,731 from Victor Balloon's School of Ventriloquism, 292 00:11:47,756 --> 00:11:50,116 Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute 293 00:11:50,141 --> 00:11:52,676 the fabled double-donkey hee-haw. 294 00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:55,307 Anyways, you work at, uh...? 295 00:11:55,332 --> 00:11:57,801 SCOTUS! I should have never signed up! 296 00:11:57,826 --> 00:11:59,327 It's the worst thing I've ever done! 297 00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,128 Where's my beer?! 298 00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:04,332 I worked my whole life to drink a beer right now! 299 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,325 I'm actually not supposed to let you drink. 300 00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:11,105 Uhh! But I like beer! I like beer! I like beer!! 301 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,796 What if I just vouch for you 302 00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:15,242 like the way Squi vouched for me? 303 00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:16,466 You'd do that? 304 00:12:16,491 --> 00:12:19,346 Beep-borp-bup-bup. Hello? Mr. Trump? 305 00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,171 Yes, I am sober. 306 00:12:21,196 --> 00:12:23,684 You'll make Eric the CEO tomorrow morning? 307 00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,475 I'll tell him right now! Beep. 308 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,233 A round of beers to celebrate?! 309 00:12:27,258 --> 00:12:29,446 Okay! But just one. 310 00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,004 [SQUEAKING] 311 00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,597 ♪♪ 312 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,254 [SEA BIRDS CRYING] 313 00:12:35,587 --> 00:12:37,865 - [CLANGING] - G-Gah! 314 00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,702 Rise and shine, my favorite justice! 315 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,772 We've got an amazing, action-packed day ahead of us. 316 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,028 How did you get in here? 317 00:12:45,053 --> 00:12:46,973 I have all the keys to all the doors. 318 00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:48,831 The groundskeeper fished the bloated, dead guy 319 00:12:48,856 --> 00:12:50,810 out of the pool, so get your trunks on, 320 00:12:50,835 --> 00:12:52,368 then you'll let me pardon myself, 321 00:12:52,393 --> 00:12:54,147 then we'll hit the omelet bar. 322 00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:56,482 I know you're trying to exert undue influence on me 323 00:12:56,507 --> 00:12:57,621 to vote in your favor. 324 00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,987 And as umpire of the court, I call that a foul ball. 325 00:13:01,012 --> 00:13:02,533 I usually don't do this, 326 00:13:02,558 --> 00:13:05,270 but what if I switched you to a bed-bug free room? 327 00:13:05,372 --> 00:13:07,873 ♪ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ♪ 328 00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:11,287 [SLURRING] Is that the hardest you can slap, Jelly Boy?! 329 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:14,033 [SLURRING] Hey! You promised you wouldn't call me that! 330 00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:16,292 I turned my back on Deion the Donkey 331 00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,004 to build Jelly Tower! 332 00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:20,729 Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy! 333 00:13:20,754 --> 00:13:24,276 You gonna cry boysenberry tears out of your marmalade eyes 334 00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:28,045 coming out of your jelly face, Jelly Boy?! 335 00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:30,070 I'm a Jelly Man! 336 00:13:30,095 --> 00:13:31,415 Oww! 337 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,541 Now my face is gonna go from beautiful crimson 338 00:13:34,566 --> 00:13:36,268 to ugly vermilion! 339 00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,823 What are you gonna do about it... 340 00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:41,347 wah-wah cry like you did at your hearing? 341 00:13:41,372 --> 00:13:43,472 I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die! 342 00:13:43,497 --> 00:13:44,552 Bring it! 343 00:13:44,577 --> 00:13:46,154 [BOTH] One, two... 344 00:13:46,179 --> 00:13:47,712 [BOTH SCREAM] 345 00:13:49,015 --> 00:13:51,270 Donald, quit trying to schmooze the Supreme Court 346 00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:53,778 and just poke them with a poison-tipped umbrella. 347 00:13:53,803 --> 00:13:55,596 We don't have umbrellas in Florida. 348 00:13:55,621 --> 00:13:57,113 It's the Sunshine State. 349 00:13:57,138 --> 00:13:59,220 Then get some kompromat that'll make Roberts 350 00:13:59,245 --> 00:14:01,306 the laughingstock of the whole judiciary. 351 00:14:01,331 --> 00:14:02,401 Ooh, and while you're at it, 352 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,615 do the other justices dirty, too! 353 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,007 That's why you're the leader of the free world. 354 00:14:07,032 --> 00:14:08,485 I can't take all the credit. 355 00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,510 You got to give some to the death squads. 356 00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:12,136 [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] 357 00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:15,305 Wow! Do you guys know how to party or what?! 358 00:14:15,407 --> 00:14:16,807 ♪♪ 359 00:14:16,909 --> 00:14:18,666 And keep that applause going 360 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,299 for our Guy of the Year Award recipient, 361 00:14:21,324 --> 00:14:23,490 Chief Justice Roberts! 362 00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:26,549 Are you any closer to giving me my self-pardon? 363 00:14:26,808 --> 00:14:29,207 I said "no" and I look like a fool. 364 00:14:29,232 --> 00:14:31,632 Fine! Then the only thing left is the group kompromat... 365 00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:33,010 I mean group photo. 366 00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:35,636 Everyone grab some champagne and hop on stage! 367 00:14:35,661 --> 00:14:37,338 [JUSTICE] Let's just do this so we can go to bed. 368 00:14:37,362 --> 00:14:39,694 Sanders, remember. Downward angle, find your light. 369 00:14:39,719 --> 00:14:41,141 I know, I know. 370 00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:42,608 Say "blackmail". 371 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,178 - [JUSTICES] Blackmail. - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 372 00:14:44,202 --> 00:14:45,702 Is it hot fire? 373 00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:48,892 ♪ I've got my kompromat, I've got my kompromat ♪ 374 00:14:48,917 --> 00:14:50,461 Wow. You should be on Broadway. 375 00:14:50,486 --> 00:14:52,352 So the Supreme Court will issue a decision 376 00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:55,098 on the presidential self-pardon Monday at noon. 377 00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:57,357 I wonder who I'll self-pardon first. 378 00:14:57,382 --> 00:14:59,492 Hmm. I'm thinking me. 379 00:14:59,517 --> 00:15:01,485 [COOPER] Look at that. As a result of this 380 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:04,074 compromising leaked photo, the eight justices pictured 381 00:15:04,099 --> 00:15:06,099 have recused themselves from all legal matters 382 00:15:06,124 --> 00:15:07,333 pertaining to the president. 383 00:15:07,358 --> 00:15:08,835 Who would leak such a thing? 384 00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,148 I took that in the privacy of a 250-seat ballroom 385 00:15:12,173 --> 00:15:13,706 with 19 entrances. 386 00:15:13,731 --> 00:15:16,246 The hot photo appeared on the Instagram account 387 00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:18,744 - of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. - _ 388 00:15:18,769 --> 00:15:21,414 I want Shinzo's badge and gun on my desk by morning. 389 00:15:21,439 --> 00:15:23,082 This means that, in the upcoming hearing 390 00:15:23,107 --> 00:15:25,328 concerning the president's self-pardon power, 391 00:15:25,353 --> 00:15:27,353 the opinion will be issued at the sole discretion 392 00:15:27,378 --> 00:15:30,957 of the one Justice not recused, Brett Kavanaugh. 393 00:15:30,982 --> 00:15:32,302 Ohh! Even better! 394 00:15:32,327 --> 00:15:33,793 He'll give you the kind of justice 395 00:15:33,818 --> 00:15:36,024 that rich, white guys have been passing back and forth 396 00:15:36,049 --> 00:15:37,657 ever since the nation's founding. 397 00:15:37,682 --> 00:15:38,931 All we have to do is make sure 398 00:15:38,956 --> 00:15:40,910 Brett Kavanaugh's on that bench on Monday. 399 00:15:40,935 --> 00:15:43,748 Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son 400 00:15:43,773 --> 00:15:45,105 taking care of him. 401 00:15:46,942 --> 00:15:48,374 [WEAKLY] Whoa. 402 00:15:48,399 --> 00:15:50,309 What happened last night? 403 00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:53,412 It's just like that R-rated bachelor-party movie 404 00:15:53,437 --> 00:15:55,147 The Hang Glider. 405 00:15:55,172 --> 00:15:57,205 ♪♪ 406 00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:59,107 [KAVANAUGH] "Jelly Man, last night reminded me 407 00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:01,009 - how much I enjoy being away from it all, - _ 408 00:16:01,034 --> 00:16:02,601 - drowning in liquid fun! - _ 409 00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,012 - Don't come looking for me, - _ 410 00:16:04,037 --> 00:16:05,725 - or I'll take the fuck off running! - _ 411 00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:08,183 Signed, coach of my daughter's basketball team, Brett K." 412 00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:10,275 [SCREAMS] 413 00:16:10,530 --> 00:16:13,098 I can't find him anywhere, Don! 414 00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:15,677 You're lucky I'm an expert at understanding 415 00:16:15,702 --> 00:16:18,657 the inner workings of a middle-aged party king. 416 00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:19,704 You have any clues? 417 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:23,807 There's a loafer print headed due west in this mound of vomit. 418 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,321 He flew the coop! I'm coming down there, Eric. 419 00:16:26,346 --> 00:16:28,446 Good thing I have shit loads of Southwest points 420 00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,904 from tickets I bought so I could get drunk at La Guardia. 421 00:16:30,929 --> 00:16:33,128 Wait! I think I know where he is! 422 00:16:33,153 --> 00:16:36,365 Have you ever heard of a town called... Orlando? 423 00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,033 Have you ever heard of a town called 424 00:16:38,058 --> 00:16:39,657 "Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"? 425 00:16:39,682 --> 00:16:41,082 ♪♪ 426 00:16:41,184 --> 00:16:44,125 Let us bow our heads in prayer to Brett Kavanaugh 427 00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:46,764 for making this lawlessness possible for me. 428 00:16:46,789 --> 00:16:49,456 May he go to bed without getting the spins. 429 00:16:49,481 --> 00:16:50,481 ALL: Amen. 430 00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:52,146 Now, what crimes should I commit? 431 00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:55,306 And remember, there are no small crimes... only short criminals. 432 00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:56,827 Before you commit more crimes, 433 00:16:56,852 --> 00:16:58,286 shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh 434 00:16:58,311 --> 00:16:59,915 actually hands down his ruling? 435 00:16:59,940 --> 00:17:01,636 That's strike three, Pompeo. 436 00:17:01,661 --> 00:17:03,428 Strikes one and two were existing. 437 00:17:03,453 --> 00:17:04,626 Will there be any more innings? 438 00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,117 We just found our next crime... 439 00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:09,586 we're gonna torture Pompeo until he swallows his own tongue! 440 00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,091 - That's great! - Let's kill him, huh? 441 00:17:11,116 --> 00:17:13,291 I'm free all day, so just let me know. 442 00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:14,781 [DOLPHIN CHITTERING] 443 00:17:14,806 --> 00:17:16,627 [HOST] These dolphins are kept alive 444 00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:19,085 only by the fish they receive mid-backflip. 445 00:17:19,187 --> 00:17:22,800 Wow! Wait. What the hell are we doing at SeaWorld? 446 00:17:22,825 --> 00:17:26,259 Brett's note said he wanted to drown in "liquid fun". 447 00:17:26,361 --> 00:17:30,083 I used my deductive, future CEO logic to deduce 448 00:17:30,108 --> 00:17:34,210 that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun capital of Florida. 449 00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:38,291 Eric, "liquid fun" is bro-slang for beer! 450 00:17:38,316 --> 00:17:40,183 There's no beer at SeaWorld! 451 00:17:40,208 --> 00:17:42,986 - How long has he been gone? - Two days. 452 00:17:43,011 --> 00:17:44,988 Two days of drunk stumbling 453 00:17:45,013 --> 00:17:47,324 is four days of sober sprinting. 454 00:17:47,349 --> 00:17:48,682 He could be anywhere, 455 00:17:48,707 --> 00:17:52,408 you irresponsible, grade-A, grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty! 456 00:17:52,587 --> 00:17:55,154 ♪ It's the weekend, it's time to have fun ♪ 457 00:17:55,179 --> 00:17:57,454 Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being 458 00:17:57,479 --> 00:17:59,379 a boring-annoying-dumb loser, 459 00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:01,938 I sentence you to sledgehammering of the legs, 460 00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:04,284 then blowtorching, then poisoning, 461 00:18:04,309 --> 00:18:07,503 and finally being eaten good and slow by fire ants. 462 00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:09,123 If I'm gonna be covered in ants, 463 00:18:09,148 --> 00:18:10,981 can I at least have a picnic with them? 464 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:13,626 That's it. I'm setting the crossbow to turbo. 465 00:18:13,651 --> 00:18:15,318 It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk 466 00:18:15,343 --> 00:18:17,261 or should I just make up something? 467 00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:18,452 Ugh... 468 00:18:18,477 --> 00:18:20,067 Dad, remember when you said 469 00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,925 - you'd always love me no matter what? - Nope. 470 00:18:22,950 --> 00:18:25,528 I lost Brett Kavanaugh! 471 00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:28,587 [CRYING] D-a-a-ad! 472 00:18:28,766 --> 00:18:30,399 Kavanaugh is gone. 473 00:18:30,424 --> 00:18:32,579 Now I'm just another below-the-law schmuck 474 00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:34,891 who can be thrown in jail like my former lawyer, 475 00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:36,082 former campaign chief, 476 00:18:36,107 --> 00:18:38,841 and three dozen of my closest associates. 477 00:18:38,866 --> 00:18:41,800 I could pardon you if I was president. Hint, hint. 478 00:18:42,057 --> 00:18:44,523 It's been two days 479 00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:47,426 since Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh 480 00:18:47,451 --> 00:18:50,486 disappeared into the humid badlands of Florida. 481 00:18:50,511 --> 00:18:52,577 - Search parties continue to comb through - _ 482 00:18:52,602 --> 00:18:54,490 - every roadside motel bar - _ 483 00:18:54,515 --> 00:18:58,003 and empty Circuit City with a back door you can jimmy open. 484 00:18:58,028 --> 00:18:59,928 Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity. 485 00:18:59,953 --> 00:19:03,025 With Brett Kavanaugh missing, we all have no choice 486 00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:05,800 but to retreat underground with the survivalist buckets 487 00:19:05,825 --> 00:19:08,381 for sale exclusively on my website! 488 00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:12,040 My favorite is the Hannity Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop! 489 00:19:12,065 --> 00:19:14,609 Mmm! Buy the... Buy the whole pail! 490 00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,145 Melania, I can't go to prison looking this pretty. 491 00:19:17,170 --> 00:19:18,609 I know this is difficult, 492 00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:21,320 but I need you to hit me as hard as you... 493 00:19:22,575 --> 00:19:24,419 Thanks for pitchin' in, honey. 494 00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:25,609 ♪♪ 495 00:19:25,788 --> 00:19:27,021 [ERIC] Drat! 496 00:19:27,046 --> 00:19:28,777 Thought it might be Kavanaugh, 497 00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:31,992 but it's just another dead, bloated guy. 498 00:19:32,017 --> 00:19:34,059 Time to face facts... you'll always be 499 00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:35,683 the businessman fisher-outer 500 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,575 and never the businessman fishee. 501 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,535 How will I ever live up to my family name? 502 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,670 All I have are my handsome gums 503 00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:46,517 and 28 credits toward my ventriloquism degree. 504 00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:48,953 Forget it, Eric. Your only career path now 505 00:19:48,978 --> 00:19:50,844 is to join my Secret Service detail 506 00:19:50,869 --> 00:19:53,814 and somehow not fall in love with me, à la The Bodyguard. 507 00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:55,492 And good luck because I am... 508 00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:57,751 ♪ Enchanting as ass ♪ 509 00:19:58,184 --> 00:20:00,251 [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Because all the judges 510 00:20:00,276 --> 00:20:02,987 are either recused or horking into the EverGlades, 511 00:20:03,012 --> 00:20:05,703 the Supreme Court will fail to hear my case. 512 00:20:05,728 --> 00:20:07,728 You're the man of the White House now, Mikey. 513 00:20:07,753 --> 00:20:09,897 Here's the presidential suit and tie. 514 00:20:09,922 --> 00:20:11,732 They'll probably be tight on you. 515 00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:15,558 As much as I appreciate the gesture, I shall not accept. 516 00:20:15,583 --> 00:20:18,705 If there's one thing your supporters don't want to see, 517 00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:22,053 it's you being held accountable for your actions. 518 00:20:22,078 --> 00:20:24,478 Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight 519 00:20:24,503 --> 00:20:27,265 to make sure America continues to be a place 520 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:30,740 where guys like you can get away with anything. 521 00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:35,101 ♪♪ 522 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,047 ♪ And I'm with you ♪ 523 00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,915 ♪ Tonight ♪ 524 00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:42,891 Eric, are you seriously not gonna put your name in? 525 00:20:42,916 --> 00:20:44,015 They got Sublime! 526 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,643 I see why Brett was so into this beer. 527 00:20:46,668 --> 00:20:49,680 It makes being a failure a lot more palatable. 528 00:20:49,705 --> 00:20:51,104 You didn't fail today. 529 00:20:51,129 --> 00:20:52,862 You failed the moment you tried to be 530 00:20:52,887 --> 00:20:54,697 a bad-ass business Trump like me 531 00:20:54,722 --> 00:20:56,596 instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump 532 00:20:56,621 --> 00:20:58,544 walking around with a donkey on his hand. 533 00:20:58,569 --> 00:21:01,008 [CRYING] I just want to prove I'm responsible 534 00:21:01,033 --> 00:21:03,549 and get Brett Kavanaugh back! 535 00:21:03,574 --> 00:21:05,934 Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege, 536 00:21:05,959 --> 00:21:08,155 you don't always get what you want the minute you want it. 537 00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,524 Sometimes you have to wait for things to fall into your lap. 538 00:21:10,548 --> 00:21:11,981 [KAVANAUGH] Ahh! 539 00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:14,283 [KARAOKE HOST] And next up for karaoke is Coach Brett K! 540 00:21:14,318 --> 00:21:18,688 Uh... how's everybody doin'?! Shut up! 541 00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:19,955 ♪♪ 542 00:21:20,135 --> 00:21:22,434 [KAVANAUGH] I don't wanna go to Washington! 543 00:21:22,459 --> 00:21:26,604 Take me to Tobin's garage for whip-its and garlic knots! 544 00:21:26,629 --> 00:21:28,627 You belong on the Supreme Court 545 00:21:28,652 --> 00:21:30,352 deciding the reproductive fate 546 00:21:30,377 --> 00:21:32,721 of every single American woman! 547 00:21:32,746 --> 00:21:34,913 We don't have much time! Floor it! 548 00:21:34,938 --> 00:21:37,025 [MAN] Is this the end of your presidency? 549 00:21:37,050 --> 00:21:38,316 When you came for Clinton, 550 00:21:38,341 --> 00:21:40,428 he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet 551 00:21:40,453 --> 00:21:43,221 and hightailed it to Harlem to write his memoirs. 552 00:21:43,246 --> 00:21:45,594 When you tried to pin those million Iraq murders 553 00:21:45,619 --> 00:21:47,636 on George W. Bush, he escaped 554 00:21:47,661 --> 00:21:50,162 to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs. 555 00:21:50,187 --> 00:21:52,263 And when you came for William Henry Harrison, 556 00:21:52,288 --> 00:21:54,099 he got pneumonia and died! 557 00:21:54,124 --> 00:21:55,878 But America elected me 558 00:21:55,903 --> 00:21:58,103 to see how much stuff I could get away with, 559 00:21:58,128 --> 00:22:00,470 and I'm not done getting away with stuff. 560 00:22:00,495 --> 00:22:01,973 - [MAN] Mr. President! - [REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS] 561 00:22:01,997 --> 00:22:03,075 [CONWAY] Get the hell out of my way! 562 00:22:03,099 --> 00:22:05,352 Mr. President, it's your shithead sons. 563 00:22:05,377 --> 00:22:08,412 Dad! It's your shithead sons! We found Brett Kavanaugh! 564 00:22:08,437 --> 00:22:10,915 He smells like an un-air-conditioned food court! 565 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:12,537 Sandblast the puke from his face 566 00:22:12,562 --> 00:22:13,929 and get him in that judge dress. 567 00:22:13,954 --> 00:22:15,086 We have no time to lose. 568 00:22:15,111 --> 00:22:17,677 ♪♪ 569 00:22:17,780 --> 00:22:20,147 [TICK ECHOES] 570 00:22:20,249 --> 00:22:21,391 Kavanaugh's on his way. 571 00:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,794 You need to stall until he gets here. 572 00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:24,118 I'm on it! 573 00:22:24,143 --> 00:22:25,963 [CLEARS THROAT] For my first stall, 574 00:22:25,988 --> 00:22:28,756 I'd like to take a really long time to say my name. 575 00:22:28,858 --> 00:22:33,325 Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii 576 00:22:33,427 --> 00:22:36,077 Crap! That came out way faster than I meant it to! 577 00:22:36,102 --> 00:22:37,484 Alright. What else? What else? Um... 578 00:22:37,508 --> 00:22:39,008 Ah, one of the old favorites! 579 00:22:39,033 --> 00:22:41,722 It was a beautiful September morning, 580 00:22:41,747 --> 00:22:43,113 not a cloud in the sky... 581 00:22:43,138 --> 00:22:45,037 [KAVANAUGH GROANING] 582 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:47,127 I think he peed! 583 00:22:47,152 --> 00:22:48,985 Oh, good. That means he's alive! 584 00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:52,616 So Lorne Michaels turns to me and says, "Can we be funny?" 585 00:22:52,641 --> 00:22:54,063 Is this over yet? 586 00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:55,126 And, totally off the cuff, I said What did I say? 587 00:22:55,150 --> 00:22:56,604 I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00. 588 00:22:56,628 --> 00:22:59,796 I told you, Hollywood's gonna eat you alive! 589 00:22:59,821 --> 00:23:02,607 Wait! Don't marry him or whatever! 590 00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:04,333 Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench! 591 00:23:04,358 --> 00:23:07,503 I would, Dad, but he's too blitzed to speak. 592 00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:10,396 If I'm so blitzed, then how come I can still say... 593 00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:12,241 BLLUUGHHHH! 594 00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:13,865 There's nothing left to do now 595 00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:15,944 but accept our pitiful failure. 596 00:23:15,969 --> 00:23:20,071 If only someone could make Brett Kavanaugh talk... 597 00:23:20,174 --> 00:23:23,275 ♪♪ 598 00:23:23,454 --> 00:23:27,021 So, Justice Kavanaugh, do you think my dad 599 00:23:27,046 --> 00:23:29,145 should be able to pardon himself? 600 00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:30,870 [KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] I sure do, 601 00:23:30,895 --> 00:23:33,832 as much as I think you need a bath! 602 00:23:33,857 --> 00:23:35,140 [DON JR.] Got 'im! 603 00:23:35,165 --> 00:23:38,434 [NORMAL VOICE] Aww. That's not very nice, Justice Kavanaugh. 604 00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,847 [KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] You know what's even more not nice? 605 00:23:40,872 --> 00:23:43,505 Charging the president for his crimes. 606 00:23:43,538 --> 00:23:45,283 He is above us all. 607 00:23:45,308 --> 00:23:46,908 [ERIC AND KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] Hee haw! 608 00:23:46,933 --> 00:23:48,399 Holy shit! He did it! 609 00:23:48,424 --> 00:23:50,645 He did the double-donkey hee-haw! 610 00:23:50,670 --> 00:23:52,246 [GRUMBLES] Who said that? 611 00:23:52,271 --> 00:23:53,271 - [CHOMPS] - Aah! 612 00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:55,159 He bit off his finger! 613 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,984 I don't care if I go to jail. 614 00:23:57,009 --> 00:23:59,677 This is the best thing I've ever seen! 615 00:23:59,856 --> 00:24:02,223 It was a dramatic day at the Supreme Court. 616 00:24:02,248 --> 00:24:05,102 We have these exclusive courtroom sketches. 617 00:24:05,127 --> 00:24:06,894 There's Kavanaugh biting off Eric's finger, 618 00:24:06,919 --> 00:24:10,575 then regurgitating it toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum, 619 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,166 - then there's some keep-away. - _ 620 00:24:12,191 --> 00:24:14,358 But Kavanaugh did submit a written opinion, 621 00:24:14,383 --> 00:24:16,283 which I have here. 622 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,540 Okay. This is a bar menu from a West Palm Beach Margaritaville. 623 00:24:19,565 --> 00:24:21,998 As to whether the president can pardon himself, 624 00:24:22,023 --> 00:24:24,688 it's still unclear, but between Dred Scott 625 00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:26,957 and Citizens United, the ruling to allow 626 00:24:26,982 --> 00:24:29,149 "Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos 627 00:24:29,174 --> 00:24:31,079 to be two-for-one on Wednesdays" 628 00:24:31,104 --> 00:24:32,853 is one of the least-harmful decisions 629 00:24:32,878 --> 00:24:34,455 the Supreme Court has ever made. 630 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,112 ♪♪ 631 00:24:36,214 --> 00:24:38,859 So, are you allowed to pardon yourself or nah? 632 00:24:38,884 --> 00:24:40,050 No one knows. 633 00:24:40,075 --> 00:24:43,173 So I'll just give it a shot, see if anyone freaks out. 634 00:24:43,198 --> 00:24:45,966 Eric, I want to thank you for tracking down Kavanaugh 635 00:24:45,991 --> 00:24:47,418 and bringing him back here, 636 00:24:47,457 --> 00:24:49,579 no matter how bad it made the city smell. 637 00:24:49,604 --> 00:24:52,605 You've proven you really can handle responsibility. 638 00:24:52,630 --> 00:24:56,085 Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?! 639 00:24:56,110 --> 00:24:57,265 Even better! 640 00:24:57,290 --> 00:25:01,248 I'm making you CEO of Trump Ventriloquism University! 641 00:25:01,273 --> 00:25:04,478 We're opening a Ventriloquism University?! 642 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,140 It's more of a money-laundering front 643 00:25:06,165 --> 00:25:08,165 for which you will be held legally responsible, 644 00:25:08,190 --> 00:25:09,389 but you're the CEO. 645 00:25:09,414 --> 00:25:13,147 When the Feds come, I'll make Deion the Donkey take the fall! 646 00:25:13,172 --> 00:25:14,504 That's my boy! 647 00:25:14,529 --> 00:25:17,274 Now everyone shut up and put the crime sock on the door. 648 00:25:17,299 --> 00:25:19,099 We've got work to do! 649 00:25:19,124 --> 00:25:20,355 ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS] 650 00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:23,603 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 651 00:25:23,628 --> 00:25:27,172 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 652 00:25:27,197 --> 00:25:29,642 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 653 00:25:29,667 --> 00:25:31,120 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 654 00:25:31,145 --> 00:25:34,179 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 655 00:25:34,204 --> 00:25:36,926 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 656 00:25:36,951 --> 00:25:38,317 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 657 00:25:38,342 --> 00:25:41,474 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 658 00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:46,502 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 659 00:25:48,486 --> 00:25:50,118 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 660 00:25:50,143 --> 00:25:53,579 ♪ He is our president ♪ 661 00:25:53,604 --> 00:25:56,838 ♪ We made him president ♪ 662 00:25:57,094 --> 00:25:59,328 ♪ We did it ♪ 663 00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:03,265 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 664 00:26:03,367 --> 00:26:06,335 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 665 00:26:06,437 --> 00:26:09,938 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 666 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,508 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 667 00:26:13,610 --> 00:26:17,112 ♪ Yeah ♪ 668 00:26:17,137 --> 00:26:19,237 Trump! 669 00:26:19,261 --> 00:26:24,261 - Synced and corrected by Firefly- - www.addic7ed.com - 51499

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