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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:10,212 --> 00:00:11,412 Donald Trump Jr. 3 00:00:11,437 --> 00:00:13,937 is testifying to the Senate Intelligence Committee. 4 00:00:13,962 --> 00:00:17,297 Unfortunately, news cameras are not allowed inside. 5 00:00:17,322 --> 00:00:20,290 _ 6 00:00:20,818 --> 00:00:23,285 Would the witness please state your name for the record? 7 00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:25,777 D... Uh... Donald Trump Jr. 8 00:00:25,802 --> 00:00:30,104 Uh, previous aliases include "D-T-J", "His Royal Drinkiness", 9 00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:33,731 "Señor Bong", "The Freak", "2 Fast, 2 Junior-ous", 10 00:00:33,756 --> 00:00:35,761 - and "Sir Shits-Himself". - Great. 11 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,327 Did the President have advanced knowledge 12 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,395 of the Trump Tower meeting? 13 00:00:38,419 --> 00:00:40,786 Yeah, but only because he can see the future! 14 00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:43,646 Like, yesterday, he said he just knows he's going to prison. 15 00:00:43,671 --> 00:00:45,278 - That's spooky! - Jesus Christ. 16 00:00:45,303 --> 00:00:46,768 You guys are lawyers, right? 17 00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:49,338 So, okay, I backed over this pizza delivery kid, 18 00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:51,863 and his big-ass Adam's apple dinged my bumper! 19 00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:53,455 Am I entitled to compensation? 20 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,713 Please let's stay on topic. 21 00:00:55,894 --> 00:00:58,094 The secret is to launch the firecracker 22 00:00:58,119 --> 00:00:59,919 from the bottom of your crack. 23 00:01:01,036 --> 00:01:03,624 It stings a little, but you get drunker faster! 24 00:01:04,706 --> 00:01:06,652 Russia collusion? Not I! 25 00:01:06,677 --> 00:01:09,234 I've been crab-fishing on the high seas! 26 00:01:09,259 --> 00:01:11,326 Did you hide a sailor suit in the bathroom? 27 00:01:11,328 --> 00:01:12,894 How do you feel about your father 28 00:01:12,896 --> 00:01:14,363 putting you in this situation? 29 00:01:14,388 --> 00:01:16,054 Oh, no! Here it comes! 30 00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:19,303 I'll tell you everything! 31 00:01:22,921 --> 00:01:27,056 But when I'm in jail, you guys have to take Kim fishing! 32 00:01:27,081 --> 00:01:30,049 Wait. Does that person have to type everything I say? 33 00:01:30,074 --> 00:01:32,207 Yes, it's the stenographer. 34 00:01:32,232 --> 00:01:34,266 Ass! Whoa! She typed it. 35 00:01:34,489 --> 00:01:37,523 Ass, ass, balls! She typed that, too! 36 00:01:37,548 --> 00:01:39,881 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 37 00:01:39,906 --> 00:01:42,107 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 38 00:01:42,258 --> 00:01:43,648 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 39 00:01:43,672 --> 00:01:44,702 - Okay. Stop it. Stop. - ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 40 00:01:44,726 --> 00:01:45,829 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 41 00:01:45,853 --> 00:01:47,305 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 42 00:01:47,329 --> 00:01:48,531 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 43 00:01:48,556 --> 00:01:51,265 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass ♪ 44 00:01:51,290 --> 00:01:53,023 ♪ B-a-a-a-a-alls ♪ 45 00:01:53,048 --> 00:01:55,015 - She's still typing! - That's enough! 46 00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,400 And could you read that back for us? 47 00:01:57,425 --> 00:01:58,892 "Ass, ass, ass, balls." 48 00:01:58,916 --> 00:02:00,750 "Ass, ass, ass, balls." 49 00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,302 You like my sign? 50 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,524 Okay, who built this sign?! 51 00:02:13,846 --> 00:02:15,879 Pizzuh-hut, Soldiers! 52 00:02:15,904 --> 00:02:19,705 We're here in one of Iraq's most Middle Eastern-y cities 53 00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:23,565 to recognize the troops and women dressed as troops 54 00:02:23,590 --> 00:02:26,959 for their tremendous service in wars or whatever. 55 00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:28,650 Mr. President, I want to introduce you 56 00:02:28,675 --> 00:02:30,942 to one of our bravest, Sergeant Tully. She's... 57 00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:33,267 Shit! I friggin' whiffed! 58 00:02:33,292 --> 00:02:36,160 I wish I could be there to shake your dehydrated hands, 59 00:02:36,185 --> 00:02:37,785 but, you know, golf. 60 00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:40,210 We understand. You're very busy, sir. 61 00:02:40,235 --> 00:02:43,136 Hey, you got the next, much worse thing, Mike Pence. 62 00:02:43,161 --> 00:02:45,294 Shake their hands for me, Mikey! 63 00:02:45,319 --> 00:02:47,586 Pardon my use of the Pence family glove. 64 00:02:47,611 --> 00:02:49,878 Karen says, "Touching a career woman's hand 65 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,282 is a backstage pass to Hades' land." 66 00:02:52,307 --> 00:02:55,975 Don't shake her hand loud! It'll distract my swing! 67 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,500 _ 68 00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:58,957 I'm Jake Tapper. 69 00:02:58,982 --> 00:03:01,082 And a reminder for folks at home... 70 00:03:01,107 --> 00:03:03,141 no talking during my show. 71 00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:06,262 It appears the President would rather grip his five-iron 72 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,321 than the hand of a soldier. 73 00:03:08,391 --> 00:03:09,724 This behavior has been satirized 74 00:03:09,749 --> 00:03:12,483 by some of America's most skilled cartoonists, 75 00:03:12,508 --> 00:03:15,609 including TV newsman Jake Tapper. 76 00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:18,235 Let's check in with President Chump. 77 00:03:18,878 --> 00:03:21,445 President Chump was golfing, 78 00:03:21,751 --> 00:03:25,268 when he should've been respecting our troops. 79 00:03:26,384 --> 00:03:30,019 It seems this presidency is hitting a lot of bogies. 80 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:33,011 _ 81 00:03:33,036 --> 00:03:34,135 And that's our show. 82 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,895 Sorry we didn't get to the Flint water crisis. 83 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,315 Tapper is relentless. 84 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,359 Announce my resignation before he draws 85 00:03:40,384 --> 00:03:42,017 another President Chump! 86 00:03:42,042 --> 00:03:44,076 Everything's gonna be fine! 87 00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:46,734 Let's just fly you to Iraq to shake a few hands, 88 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:50,161 hug a few flags, go pat-pat on a tank like it's a Corgi. 89 00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:54,055 How about instead of Iraq, I fly to... wait for it... 90 00:03:54,122 --> 00:03:55,287 Mar-a-Lago? 91 00:03:55,289 --> 00:03:57,156 Mar-a-Lago! Yes! 92 00:03:57,181 --> 00:04:00,382 A lot of the club members are military defense contractors. 93 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,574 Why talk to a soldier about war 94 00:04:02,599 --> 00:04:05,800 when you can laugh with a billionaire about war crimes? 95 00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:08,758 You could simply mouth the words "Thank you for your service," 96 00:04:08,783 --> 00:04:10,283 and I'll fill in the voice later. 97 00:04:10,308 --> 00:04:13,197 "Ehhh! Thank you for your service. Ehhh!" 98 00:04:13,222 --> 00:04:17,008 It's their job! Am I supposed to thank this Robo-Vacuum, too? 99 00:04:17,033 --> 00:04:18,333 Without the Robo-Vacuum, 100 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,591 you'd be ankle deep in Pop-Tart crumbs. 101 00:04:20,616 --> 00:04:22,249 Why don't we just invite Bill Shine back? 102 00:04:22,274 --> 00:04:24,874 - He's the king of optics. - No, no, Conway. 103 00:04:24,899 --> 00:04:28,401 I got a simple no-fuss solution to put this issue to bed. 104 00:04:28,426 --> 00:04:31,694 It's time to bring home all the brave, sweaty troops, 105 00:04:31,719 --> 00:04:35,521 and no troops means no me sitting on a plane for ten hours 106 00:04:35,546 --> 00:04:38,280 just to shake hands with some guy named Kyle. 107 00:04:38,305 --> 00:04:39,504 Okay. World peace. 108 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,997 Was the Defense Department made aware? 109 00:04:41,021 --> 00:04:44,055 Chopper's too loud! Can't hear you! Ha, ha! 110 00:04:44,681 --> 00:04:46,014 Whatever, Louis! 111 00:04:46,039 --> 00:04:48,605 I didn't even want to go hunting with you anyway! 112 00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:51,128 Ever since I started using every waking moment 113 00:04:51,153 --> 00:04:53,186 of my adult life to compliment my dad, 114 00:04:53,211 --> 00:04:54,644 I have, like, no friends! 115 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:55,969 I'm your friend! 116 00:04:55,994 --> 00:04:58,327 You're not my friend, Eric. You're my brother and enemy. 117 00:04:58,352 --> 00:05:00,719 I'm not even getting likes on this dank photo 118 00:05:00,744 --> 00:05:03,278 of me playing patty-cake with a jaguar carcass! 119 00:05:03,422 --> 00:05:06,022 - Elon Musk liked it. - Yeah, right. 120 00:05:06,024 --> 00:05:10,260 Like Mr. Tesla himself, owner of "stankmemes.com", 121 00:05:10,285 --> 00:05:12,486 would ever like my dumb Po-oh... 122 00:05:12,511 --> 00:05:15,045 my... ass. 123 00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,602 _ 124 00:05:16,627 --> 00:05:18,494 Joining me now to discuss the President's 125 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,953 sudden mass troop withdrawal... self-appointed spokesman 126 00:05:21,978 --> 00:05:23,845 for millions of unwitting servicemen, 127 00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:25,136 Senator Lindsey Graham. 128 00:05:25,161 --> 00:05:27,278 The only way to keep this country safe 129 00:05:27,303 --> 00:05:29,928 is to have troops in Yemen for so long 130 00:05:29,953 --> 00:05:32,611 that, when they come home, their dogs forget their scent 131 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,117 and have to take cues from the room 132 00:05:34,119 --> 00:05:35,819 that they should be jumping around all silly-like. 133 00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:40,046 Which brings us to the latest installment of President Chump. 134 00:05:40,125 --> 00:05:41,290 Do I have to stay? 135 00:05:42,917 --> 00:05:46,152 The President is withdrawing the troops. 136 00:05:46,177 --> 00:05:48,978 You can't do that at the ATM. 137 00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:51,744 It's not the American Troop Machine. 138 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:52,868 _ 139 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,393 Unfortunately, the only currency 140 00:05:54,418 --> 00:05:56,485 the military accepts is respect, 141 00:05:56,510 --> 00:06:00,371 a phrase made famous by soul singer Aretha Franklin. 142 00:06:00,396 --> 00:06:02,629 ♪ Aretha Franklin ♪ 143 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:05,889 Tapper, stop! I'm a human being, damn it! 144 00:06:05,914 --> 00:06:08,148 Sir, you can't withdraw the entire military 145 00:06:08,173 --> 00:06:10,172 just to avoid awkward conversation. 146 00:06:10,197 --> 00:06:11,763 Just pretend the troops are me 147 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,056 and replicate our natural, jazz-like banter. 148 00:06:14,081 --> 00:06:16,547 The closest our conversations get to jazz 149 00:06:16,572 --> 00:06:18,839 is when I threaten to beat you with a saxophone. 150 00:06:18,864 --> 00:06:21,431 The bottom line is the perpetual war state 151 00:06:21,456 --> 00:06:23,144 only allows the commander-in-chief 152 00:06:23,169 --> 00:06:27,135 to add troops or shuffle the more confused ones to the back. 153 00:06:29,696 --> 00:06:31,863 Bill Shine. What are you doing here? 154 00:06:31,888 --> 00:06:33,354 Kellyanne told me you're upset. 155 00:06:33,379 --> 00:06:34,945 You only called into Fox & Friends 156 00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,803 for 70 minutes today? 157 00:06:36,828 --> 00:06:38,490 Bill, everyone acts like 158 00:06:38,515 --> 00:06:41,216 troops sacrifice more than I do for this country. 159 00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:43,228 Did you know they let injured veterans 160 00:06:43,253 --> 00:06:44,852 skip the line at Space Mountain? 161 00:06:44,854 --> 00:06:45,921 Doesn't seem right! 162 00:06:45,946 --> 00:06:48,113 That's exactly what I told Goofy. 163 00:06:48,138 --> 00:06:51,539 It's as if my injury doesn't matter. 164 00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:54,910 It was 1969, and I was shipping out 165 00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:57,402 for my fifth deferment from Vietnam. 166 00:06:57,427 --> 00:06:58,860 Nixon had been elected. 167 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:01,780 Loser John McCain was still in a P-O-W camp 168 00:07:01,805 --> 00:07:03,204 for being a total loser, 169 00:07:03,229 --> 00:07:06,263 and my foot had an appointment with the podiatrist. 170 00:07:06,288 --> 00:07:09,623 America's most notorious draft dodgers were there... 171 00:07:09,648 --> 00:07:11,748 Dutch, an English major from Yale... 172 00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:14,641 Snake Stan from Harvard, an English major. 173 00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:17,233 And Grunt. By God, he was only 18, 174 00:07:17,258 --> 00:07:20,292 celebrating his last summer before shipping off to Yale 175 00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:22,852 for his double major in literature and English. 176 00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:26,244 Give it to me straight, Doc, exactly how my dad told you to. 177 00:07:26,269 --> 00:07:28,136 You have bone spurs. 178 00:07:28,161 --> 00:07:30,194 ♪ My foot hurts ♪ 179 00:07:30,219 --> 00:07:32,976 - ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ My foot hurts ♪ 180 00:07:33,001 --> 00:07:35,135 I left my innocence on the carpet 181 00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:36,937 of that podiatrist's office. 182 00:07:36,962 --> 00:07:39,015 - We all did. - It's disgraceful 183 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,609 how America treats its draft-dodging scions! 184 00:07:41,611 --> 00:07:42,643 I'll handle this. 185 00:07:42,668 --> 00:07:44,722 You just focus on being the first president 186 00:07:44,747 --> 00:07:47,681 to say "dongasorus" on Yom Kippur. 187 00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:50,117 Did you know Elon Musk went bald 188 00:07:50,119 --> 00:07:52,786 and genius-scienced an entire new head of hair? 189 00:07:52,811 --> 00:07:54,278 Just like Dad! 190 00:07:54,303 --> 00:07:56,369 Dad's hair is real, idiot! 191 00:08:01,187 --> 00:08:03,854 Any moment now, I will be high. 192 00:08:03,879 --> 00:08:07,147 Hello? This is Elon Musk. You're living in a simulation. 193 00:08:07,172 --> 00:08:11,073 Hey! This is Don Junior Trump. You know, from the news? 194 00:08:11,197 --> 00:08:14,999 Ohh. Don Junior Trump. How did you get my number? 195 00:08:15,024 --> 00:08:16,791 You tweeted that you paid five million bucks 196 00:08:16,816 --> 00:08:18,449 for the number 420-6-9. 197 00:08:18,474 --> 00:08:20,044 Oh, lé cool. 198 00:08:20,069 --> 00:08:23,403 So you're the Trump kid with the jaguar carcass? 199 00:08:23,428 --> 00:08:26,063 Yeah! You should come by and shoot it some more! 200 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:29,022 And maybe hang out? Is that awkward? 201 00:08:29,047 --> 00:08:31,447 - Desperate, much?! - I'm nervous! 202 00:08:31,472 --> 00:08:33,740 No, no, it's not awkward turtle. 203 00:08:33,765 --> 00:08:35,831 I'm pretty busy innovating right now. 204 00:08:35,856 --> 00:08:36,857 Uh... 205 00:08:36,881 --> 00:08:39,748 But I could come by in, like, 18.4 minutes. 206 00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:43,931 Look at these brave soldiers. 207 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:46,557 This is how we're gonna fix your handshake problem. 208 00:08:46,582 --> 00:08:50,250 For decades, rumors spread that this flag planting was staged, 209 00:08:50,275 --> 00:08:53,359 a bigger sham than Glenn Beck becoming a scarf guy! 210 00:08:53,384 --> 00:08:54,918 But validity doesn't matter 211 00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:57,267 if the story is prime for marbleizing. 212 00:08:57,292 --> 00:08:58,925 Don't shake it. Fake it! 213 00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:02,919 Shine, last time I participated in a misinformation campaign, 214 00:09:02,944 --> 00:09:05,845 I became president of the United States. Barf. 215 00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:08,060 Fair enough. I guess you could sacrifice 216 00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:10,195 one weekend and fly to Iraq... 217 00:09:14,676 --> 00:09:16,676 Describe when you feel the pain in your feet. 218 00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:18,768 Every time I almost serve in the military, 219 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,214 it stings pretty bad. 220 00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:24,561 I've already made one sacrifice for this country, Bill, 221 00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:26,285 and I'm not about to make another. 222 00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,244 Then, Mr. President, let's fake 223 00:09:28,269 --> 00:09:30,641 you shaking a soldier's hand. 224 00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:32,766 What the hell was that? 225 00:09:32,791 --> 00:09:34,191 A fake-out, sir. 226 00:09:34,216 --> 00:09:35,664 Oh, I get it. 227 00:09:35,689 --> 00:09:37,856 Do that again, and I'll fucking kill ya. 228 00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:41,884 So, what's the best way 229 00:09:41,908 --> 00:09:43,422 to fake this troop handshake? 230 00:09:43,447 --> 00:09:45,309 I-I'm new to this whole lying thing. 231 00:09:46,824 --> 00:09:48,658 Okay, okay. 232 00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:50,216 I said okay! 233 00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,641 This country has a rich history of fakery, 234 00:09:52,666 --> 00:09:55,601 like pretending we care about human rights in South America 235 00:09:55,626 --> 00:09:57,492 and not just their tasty bananas. 236 00:09:57,517 --> 00:09:59,830 If you need any fake Iraqi backdrops painted, 237 00:09:59,855 --> 00:10:03,090 it's watercolor week at Karen's heterosexual art class. 238 00:10:03,115 --> 00:10:04,381 I can take every textbook 239 00:10:04,406 --> 00:10:06,439 and paste a bit about you visiting Iraq 240 00:10:06,464 --> 00:10:09,398 over the ten-word summary on that whole Rosa Parks bus thing. 241 00:10:09,423 --> 00:10:12,758 These are the worst goddamn pitches I've ever heard! 242 00:10:12,783 --> 00:10:14,482 And Bill O'Reilly once pitched me 243 00:10:14,507 --> 00:10:16,641 a call-in show titled Late Night Whack Off. 244 00:10:16,666 --> 00:10:18,566 We're just gonna film it on a soundstage. 245 00:10:18,591 --> 00:10:21,325 Can my actress wife play a flight attendant or something? 246 00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:23,750 - No! - Don't blame ya. She sucks. 247 00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,775 Just need to be able to tell her I tried. 248 00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:29,139 I can't believe I'm boozing with Elon Musk. 249 00:10:29,164 --> 00:10:31,998 It's nice to hang with someone not trying to cancel me. 250 00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,224 People talk about me like I'm Dr. Evil. 251 00:10:34,249 --> 00:10:36,082 But Dr. Evil rules. 252 00:10:36,107 --> 00:10:37,940 And Mini-Me, too! 253 00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,865 Shit. Rest in peace, Mini-Me. 254 00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,657 I really thought I'd win the public's love 255 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,014 with my new hyperloop, 256 00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:46,007 but not even a luxury-car portal for billionaires 257 00:10:46,032 --> 00:10:47,264 could turn my image around. 258 00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:50,124 No matter how hard we try, we just can't get poor 259 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,382 and therefore ugly people to like us. 260 00:10:52,407 --> 00:10:54,808 - To real friends! - And Mini-Me! 261 00:10:57,158 --> 00:10:58,758 Who are we getting to direct this 262 00:10:58,782 --> 00:11:00,282 handshake video... Woody Allen, 263 00:11:00,307 --> 00:11:02,473 Bryan Singer, Mario Batali? 264 00:11:02,507 --> 00:11:05,709 I'll film it. I was the visionary behind Jesse Watters 265 00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:08,568 going down to Chinatown to mock first-generation immigrants 266 00:11:08,593 --> 00:11:10,760 - who can't quote Tommy Boy. - Cool! 267 00:11:10,785 --> 00:11:13,445 Now, I'm thinking the troops come out to their theme song, 268 00:11:13,470 --> 00:11:16,037 which is just the word "money" 500 times. 269 00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:17,421 Um, that's The Apprentice. 270 00:11:17,446 --> 00:11:20,148 Okay. How 'bout this... instead of troops, 271 00:11:20,173 --> 00:11:22,773 we bring in tax-evading sitcom sidekicks, 272 00:11:22,798 --> 00:11:24,331 bald country musicians, 273 00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:26,723 and a young, weeping Piers Morgan. 274 00:11:26,748 --> 00:11:29,648 - Celebrity Apprentice! - It worked then; it'll work now! 275 00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,469 I'd like to get to some of the stars if I can, 276 00:11:32,494 --> 00:11:34,727 but, if not, maybe upload my consciousness 277 00:11:34,752 --> 00:11:37,052 into, like, that star... or even that one. 278 00:11:37,077 --> 00:11:39,478 Elon, this has been the best night of my life, 279 00:11:39,503 --> 00:11:41,637 and I once saw the Cash Cab drive by. 280 00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:44,457 Hey, do you think my dad would want one of your hyperloops? 281 00:11:44,482 --> 00:11:45,614 He'd probably prefer it. 282 00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,494 Air Force One's toilet flushes scary. 283 00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:48,653 Well, here's the great thing. 284 00:11:48,677 --> 00:11:50,710 You don't need a toilet on the hyperloop. 285 00:11:50,735 --> 00:11:52,835 You go so fast, your body's only capable 286 00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,172 of discharging orgasmic delirium. 287 00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:56,630 But how would we pay for it? 288 00:11:56,655 --> 00:11:59,256 I've been in the red ever since I went all-in on currency 289 00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:01,073 for a fake country called Abo Dabbo. 290 00:12:01,098 --> 00:12:03,153 Uh, do you think getting funding from Congress 291 00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:05,379 would be fire or, like, suss? 292 00:12:05,404 --> 00:12:07,904 Good luck getting it through those vanilla dorks. 293 00:12:07,929 --> 00:12:09,996 They wouldn't even let my dad build a wall 294 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,854 between refugees and their newborns. 295 00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:14,179 Don't worry. I'm from Silicon Valley. 296 00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:17,005 With a smoke machine, disorienting house music, 297 00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:20,198 and the unblinking confidence of a YouTube pickup artist, 298 00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:21,582 anything is possible. 299 00:12:22,563 --> 00:12:25,697 That star's pretty cool. So many cool stars. 300 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,548 This reminds me of the good ol' days at Fox News. 301 00:12:30,573 --> 00:12:34,208 I bet Roger Ailes is in heaven right now, groping down on us. 302 00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,699 My brother started Blackwater 303 00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:37,823 and gave me some tips to get into character... 304 00:12:37,848 --> 00:12:40,712 back straight, chin up, shoot a few civilians. 305 00:12:40,737 --> 00:12:42,169 Oh, that's a good idea. We should do that. 306 00:12:42,171 --> 00:12:43,538 I'm late. Whatever. 307 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:44,829 Go over there and shake 308 00:12:44,854 --> 00:12:46,987 Lieutenant Mnuchin's hand, please. We're rolling. 309 00:12:47,012 --> 00:12:49,245 Well, wait a second. I have to shake a hand? 310 00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:50,837 - Jesus fucking hell! - Ugh! 311 00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:53,162 Fine, fine! Shut up! 312 00:12:53,187 --> 00:12:55,120 And... action! 313 00:12:55,222 --> 00:12:58,123 Wow! Troops! We love the troops! 314 00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,849 Oh, no! Enemy attack! I'm so brave! 315 00:13:00,874 --> 00:13:02,941 No other president has ever done this! 316 00:13:02,966 --> 00:13:04,664 I must really love our troops! 317 00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,638 We'll fix it in post. 318 00:13:06,663 --> 00:13:09,864 No other president has ever done this! 319 00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,922 I must really love our troops! 320 00:13:11,947 --> 00:13:14,747 Okay. I'm going to re-defeat ISIS! 321 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,609 Ahh! That's right, ISIS! 322 00:13:23,779 --> 00:13:25,312 Alright, that's all set. 323 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,570 This handshake has once again proved 324 00:13:27,595 --> 00:13:30,557 our President's undying primordial love 325 00:13:30,582 --> 00:13:31,780 for this country! 326 00:13:31,805 --> 00:13:35,671 Folks, we're having a parade for him across the entire nation 327 00:13:35,696 --> 00:13:37,596 right now led by me! 328 00:13:37,621 --> 00:13:40,055 Let's go! 329 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,678 Looks like President Chump has become President Champ. 330 00:13:43,703 --> 00:13:44,998 But instead of 331 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,268 climbing the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, 332 00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:52,194 like Rocky did, he's climbing the ranks of best Presidents. 333 00:13:55,353 --> 00:13:56,854 Cory Booker's up there? 334 00:13:56,879 --> 00:14:00,447 That guy's cool as ass! He wears jeans on the weekends. 335 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,859 Just remember... be as cold and inhuman 336 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,550 as the technology you're selling. 337 00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:05,675 Thanks. 338 00:14:06,895 --> 00:14:08,795 Oh, and, Elon? 339 00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:10,123 Yeah? 340 00:14:10,125 --> 00:14:11,324 Thanks. 341 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,862 I'm here to revolutionize the world 342 00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:19,989 by installing mass transit for the rest of us. 343 00:14:20,014 --> 00:14:22,414 People who flip out if the flight attendant 344 00:14:22,439 --> 00:14:25,573 asks us to alter our behavior in literally any way. 345 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,732 As a resident of Silicon Valley... 346 00:14:27,757 --> 00:14:29,258 - Ooh! - He lives there. 347 00:14:29,282 --> 00:14:32,049 ... I know what it takes to build this hyperloop 348 00:14:32,074 --> 00:14:34,941 fast, cheap, and with technology. 349 00:14:34,966 --> 00:14:37,667 I've been told technology is the future of tech! 350 00:14:37,692 --> 00:14:40,065 Here's a normal train going very slow as ass. 351 00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:41,557 - Boo! - Boresville! 352 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,955 Where's the technology? 353 00:14:42,957 --> 00:14:45,590 But here is my hyperloop, going so fast! 354 00:14:45,615 --> 00:14:46,747 Look at it go! 355 00:14:46,772 --> 00:14:48,648 It's faster than the slow one! 356 00:14:48,673 --> 00:14:51,074 Hey, Schumer, what's the most annoying thing 357 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,365 about mass transit? 358 00:14:52,390 --> 00:14:54,423 When loud groups of unruly teenagers 359 00:14:54,456 --> 00:14:56,047 mock my sensible shoes. 360 00:14:56,072 --> 00:14:57,771 We're on our feet all day! 361 00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,764 My hyperloop takes the mass out of mass transit. 362 00:15:00,789 --> 00:15:02,956 It's just you and your car underground. 363 00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:05,177 So it's a car tunnel? 364 00:15:05,202 --> 00:15:06,701 Turn up the fog. 365 00:15:06,726 --> 00:15:09,193 - Ooh! - Great fog tech! 366 00:15:09,218 --> 00:15:11,685 For a hyperloop from... and I'm thinking randomly... 367 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,643 Washington, D.C., to Mar-a-Lago, 368 00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:16,570 all I'm asking for is $40 million. 369 00:15:16,595 --> 00:15:18,161 Make it a billion, and you have a deal! 370 00:15:20,726 --> 00:15:24,295 Speech! Speech! Speech! 371 00:15:24,297 --> 00:15:27,064 Bill, we did it. We made it look like I did it. 372 00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:28,932 How are you this good at optics? 373 00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:31,725 Let's just say... I'm seeing 20/20! 374 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,216 Oh, no. 375 00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:36,342 Shut the hell up until I get it! 376 00:15:36,537 --> 00:15:38,071 Hey, everyone. 377 00:15:38,096 --> 00:15:41,365 My wife bought me a Sony Mini-DCR HC26 378 00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:44,658 a couple Christmases ago, so I caught some fun bloopers. 379 00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:45,749 Enjoy. 380 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,487 Uh-oh. Here we go. 381 00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:51,855 Thank you for your shervish. 382 00:15:51,857 --> 00:15:53,156 - Shervish?! - Wait, wait. 383 00:15:54,694 --> 00:15:56,359 He said what?! 384 00:15:56,361 --> 00:15:58,261 Thank you for your service. 385 00:15:58,263 --> 00:15:59,562 Oh, my God! 386 00:15:59,564 --> 00:16:01,331 Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! 387 00:16:01,356 --> 00:16:03,322 Oh, no. 388 00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:05,247 Where is Mnuchin, anyway? 389 00:16:05,272 --> 00:16:07,439 God. I don't even know why I'm doing this. 390 00:16:07,464 --> 00:16:09,897 I genuinely hate the troops. 391 00:16:09,922 --> 00:16:11,422 You shouldn't laugh at that! 392 00:16:11,447 --> 00:16:13,747 Honestly, it should turn your blood cold. 393 00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:17,608 Because I am serious. I absolutely hate the troops! 394 00:16:19,251 --> 00:16:20,484 Pompeo Productions. 395 00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:24,754 Wow. I'm glad you guys like it. 396 00:16:24,779 --> 00:16:27,046 I was nervous when I posted it on YouTube. 397 00:16:29,628 --> 00:16:33,528 I can feel everyone's mad at me, but, again, I don't know why. 398 00:16:38,659 --> 00:16:40,760 I'm Wolf Blitzer, and every morning 399 00:16:40,785 --> 00:16:43,736 I wake up in a suit, unsure how it got on my body. 400 00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:45,041 According to a blooper reel 401 00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:48,434 posted by YouTube user "CoolSecretAgent63", 402 00:16:48,459 --> 00:16:51,894 the footage of Trump shaking the hand of troops was staged. 403 00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:54,153 Joining me now, a man whose brain makes him stutter 404 00:16:54,178 --> 00:16:56,845 out of sheer self-preservation, Rudy Giuliani. 405 00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:59,203 Is it true the troops are so insulted 406 00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:01,428 that they no longer want the president to visit? 407 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:02,954 Now, let me stop you right there, Shep. 408 00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,913 Clearly, Donald Trump didn't shake the hand of a real soldier 409 00:17:05,938 --> 00:17:08,535 because he's too lazy to fly to the Middle East. 410 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,327 Uh-oh! Maybe if I say the same thing backwards, 411 00:17:11,352 --> 00:17:12,985 it's like clicking "undo". 412 00:17:14,344 --> 00:17:16,511 - I'm so sorry, sir. - Sorry? 413 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,303 The troops found out the video's fake, 414 00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:21,162 and now they hate me so much they don't want me to visit? 415 00:17:21,187 --> 00:17:24,588 Shine, you did it! Whoo! 416 00:17:24,613 --> 00:17:27,526 So, if we convert my dad's bed into the elevator, 417 00:17:27,551 --> 00:17:30,385 he could ride his mattress all the way to Mar-a-Lago! 418 00:17:30,410 --> 00:17:31,877 Where's the power source? 419 00:17:31,902 --> 00:17:34,268 Ugh! All this thinking has sobered me up. 420 00:17:34,293 --> 00:17:35,459 Want to go to Bringo's? 421 00:17:35,484 --> 00:17:37,118 It's eleven-dollar Coors' night! 422 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,309 Uh, how 'bout you go and I'll meet you there? 423 00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:41,634 Sometimes a genius needs to work alone, you know? 424 00:17:41,659 --> 00:17:43,693 What's the point of being a genius 425 00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,884 if you don't have a best friend to share it with? 426 00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:48,343 What's Albert without Einstein? 427 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:52,070 Yeah, man, go for it. Whatever you need. I'm good. 428 00:17:52,095 --> 00:17:53,662 I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago 429 00:17:53,686 --> 00:17:55,152 for some well-earned me time. 430 00:17:55,177 --> 00:17:58,338 If Melania asks where I am... Oh, who am I kidding? 431 00:17:58,363 --> 00:17:59,928 Hey, where's the salute-y guy? 432 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:01,153 You mean the Marine? 433 00:18:01,178 --> 00:18:03,695 He went AWOL when he saw that blooper reel. 434 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,124 Well, one more arm lift I don't have to do today. 435 00:18:06,149 --> 00:18:08,183 Also, your pilots went AWOL, too. 436 00:18:08,208 --> 00:18:10,575 Some people just don't have the personal fortitude 437 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,233 to work for people they hate. 438 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:14,792 So, you're saying I have to... 439 00:18:14,817 --> 00:18:16,683 walk? 440 00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,834 I'd rather ride in a shitty hatchback 441 00:18:20,836 --> 00:18:22,269 with Satan himself! 442 00:18:22,271 --> 00:18:24,537 Did someone say hatchback? 443 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:27,397 All aboard the S.S. S.S.! 444 00:18:28,737 --> 00:18:32,605 Ugh! Elon is six hours late. My Coors is piping-hot now! 445 00:18:33,584 --> 00:18:35,761 Merging technology and government 446 00:18:35,786 --> 00:18:38,253 is an important step Congress must take. 447 00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,478 Today, Elon Musk's hyperloop. 448 00:18:40,503 --> 00:18:42,569 Tomorrow, functional voting machines 449 00:18:42,594 --> 00:18:44,523 that don't collapse when you close the curtain. 450 00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:47,183 This hyperloop will have serious BDE, 451 00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,809 which, of course, stands for Big Dick Energy. 452 00:18:49,834 --> 00:18:52,234 - Yeah. Uh-oh. I said it. - Can you turn this off? 453 00:18:52,259 --> 00:18:53,959 The hyperloop is gonna break the Internet. 454 00:18:53,984 --> 00:18:55,137 What does the fox say? 455 00:18:55,162 --> 00:18:56,828 He says, "Anyone who doubts the hyperloop 456 00:18:56,853 --> 00:18:58,352 can cash me outside, how 'bout dah!" 457 00:18:58,377 --> 00:18:59,677 Can you turn this off, please? 458 00:18:59,702 --> 00:19:02,151 Hey... What? Just wanted to take another look 459 00:19:02,176 --> 00:19:04,043 - at this hyperloop. - Turn it off, please! 460 00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:07,479 Let me tell you guys, the hyperloop will be lit A-F. 461 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,916 - Hyperloop, Felicia! - Please turn it off! 462 00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:13,886 I've always dreamed we'd drive south together, doing 90, 463 00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:16,880 tailgating some Hispanic family road-tripping to Disney. 464 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,973 Can't we just put on the radio? 465 00:19:18,998 --> 00:19:21,664 How about the one CD that's stuck in there? 466 00:19:25,282 --> 00:19:27,642 Ah-ah. Don't touch the knob. It only gets louder. 467 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,359 You have any snacks or anything? 468 00:19:29,384 --> 00:19:32,719 Doritos Nacho Blasters? Cheetos Nacho Blast 'Ems? 469 00:19:32,744 --> 00:19:35,545 Something even better than junk food... Soylent! 470 00:19:35,570 --> 00:19:38,872 All your daily vitamins in one thick lurid cream. 471 00:19:38,897 --> 00:19:40,897 How much longer is this gonna be? 472 00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:43,789 This car is sort of the opposite of that bus from Speed... 473 00:19:43,814 --> 00:19:46,915 once you get over 60, it immediately blows up. 474 00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,507 And that's how I found out that I'm susceptible to cults 475 00:19:49,532 --> 00:19:51,128 but immune to cyanide capsules. 476 00:19:51,153 --> 00:19:52,853 - Oh, look, we're here. - Let me out! 477 00:19:52,878 --> 00:19:54,651 Hold on. You have to open all the doors at once, 478 00:19:54,675 --> 00:19:55,699 or it doesn't work. 479 00:19:55,724 --> 00:19:58,458 Mar-a-Lago. The one place in the world 480 00:19:58,483 --> 00:20:01,517 where I'm welcomed with open, gold watch-covered arms. 481 00:20:04,201 --> 00:20:08,607 Oh, no! Every board member is a defense contractor! 482 00:20:08,632 --> 00:20:12,334 Forget the troops! I pissed off Lockheed Martin! 483 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:14,287 Lockheed... 484 00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:18,414 M-a-a-a-artin! 485 00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,619 Don't feel bad about getting kicked out 486 00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:23,920 of your own country club, sir. 487 00:20:23,945 --> 00:20:26,479 I've been kicked out of three Red Robins this week 488 00:20:26,504 --> 00:20:27,770 just for scent alone. 489 00:20:27,795 --> 00:20:29,695 Why is it so hot? 490 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,986 I can't turn on the AC without awakening 491 00:20:32,011 --> 00:20:34,912 a nasty colony of hornets currently breeding in there. 492 00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:38,104 Just. Take me. Back. 493 00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:39,663 - Boo! Boo! - Troop hater! 494 00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,404 Respect the troops! 495 00:20:41,429 --> 00:20:42,728 I hate the people, 496 00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:45,287 but the people aren't supposed to hate me. 497 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,979 I had military-grade wipers installed 498 00:20:48,004 --> 00:20:49,537 just for these situations. 499 00:20:49,562 --> 00:20:52,095 Comes in handy literally every moment of my life. 500 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,221 - This button? - No! That's the AC! 501 00:20:55,304 --> 00:20:57,363 Arm yourself! It's the queen! 502 00:20:57,388 --> 00:20:59,588 Thanks for coming, Jeff Bezos. 503 00:20:59,613 --> 00:21:01,980 I prefer my billionaires without a full head 504 00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,572 of luscious high-tech hair. 505 00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:06,463 I'm glad you called and that your father put aside our feud 506 00:21:06,488 --> 00:21:08,688 to learn how Amazon is revolutionizing 507 00:21:08,713 --> 00:21:11,180 the way our economy hollows out the middle class. 508 00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:13,329 Sure. Hey, you know what would be fun? 509 00:21:13,354 --> 00:21:15,888 Doing an Instagram video just for fun. 510 00:21:16,039 --> 00:21:18,840 Hey, Elo... Er, shit. Hey, everybody! 511 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:21,543 I'm here with my best billionaire buddy, Jay-zos. 512 00:21:21,568 --> 00:21:24,268 Is Amazon kicking around any cool innovations? 513 00:21:24,293 --> 00:21:26,727 A flying skateboard? Really funny glasses? 514 00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:28,318 We're adding low-cost housing 515 00:21:28,343 --> 00:21:30,228 to our intercontinental cargo ships 516 00:21:30,253 --> 00:21:32,253 so Amazon Fulfillment Families can sort 517 00:21:32,255 --> 00:21:34,355 recurring toiletry orders from the comfort 518 00:21:34,357 --> 00:21:36,024 of their own intermodal containers. 519 00:21:36,026 --> 00:21:38,025 Uck! Why did I think you'd be cool?! 520 00:21:38,050 --> 00:21:41,085 Your claim to fame is delivering a single tube of toothpaste 521 00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:42,510 in nine pounds of cardboard. 522 00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:43,858 Talk about an understatement. 523 00:21:43,883 --> 00:21:46,215 I won't talk about that, actually! 524 00:21:47,382 --> 00:21:48,903 Those guys had it made. 525 00:21:48,927 --> 00:21:51,728 A beach covered in blood and guts is still a beach. 526 00:21:51,753 --> 00:21:54,587 There's still time to save yourself, Mr. President! 527 00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:57,914 Senator Lindsey Graham? What are you doing here? 528 00:21:57,939 --> 00:22:00,172 I'm always right behind you, 529 00:22:00,197 --> 00:22:03,398 just in case you need something like a bottle of water, 530 00:22:03,423 --> 00:22:05,924 a folksy saying with racist undertones, 531 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:07,941 or if you're ever having trouble with the troops... 532 00:22:07,965 --> 00:22:09,925 - The last one! - Just go meet 'em. 533 00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:13,322 It's not a sacrifice for you. It's a sacrifice for them. 534 00:22:13,347 --> 00:22:14,476 They're the ones who gotta climb 535 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,540 out of their bunks at 2 a.m. for a photo op 536 00:22:16,565 --> 00:22:18,765 even though on the ballot they wrote in "Ron Paul". 537 00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:21,691 But I specifically said I wouldn't go. 538 00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:24,051 How can I betray my principles? 539 00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:27,577 I used to say Donald Trump was evil human garbage, 540 00:22:27,602 --> 00:22:30,603 but then my best friend who didn't like me died, 541 00:22:30,628 --> 00:22:33,523 and I needed a new best friend who didn't like me, 542 00:22:33,548 --> 00:22:34,814 and that's you. 543 00:22:36,251 --> 00:22:37,817 Hey, this is Awesome Chris, 544 00:22:37,819 --> 00:22:39,719 and I'm gonna pour 40 ounces of Patrón 545 00:22:39,721 --> 00:22:41,621 into this helium balloon and swallow it. 546 00:22:41,646 --> 00:22:43,913 I wonder if Awesome Chris would be my friend. 547 00:22:43,938 --> 00:22:46,501 - Hey. - What are you doing here? 548 00:22:46,526 --> 00:22:48,060 Shouldn't you be with Cory Booker 549 00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:49,296 and his cool weekend jeans? 550 00:22:49,321 --> 00:22:52,555 Eh. Seeing you with another pursed lipped billionaire 551 00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:54,280 made me miss our laughs. 552 00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,237 Remember when we yelled at that waitress for being old, 553 00:22:58,239 --> 00:23:00,005 and she heard us and frowned? 554 00:23:00,007 --> 00:23:01,907 I never meant to use you. 555 00:23:01,932 --> 00:23:04,166 I just saw an opportunity to leverage our friendship 556 00:23:04,191 --> 00:23:06,633 for financial and political gain, and I took it. 557 00:23:06,658 --> 00:23:08,492 You should've just told me that! 558 00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,750 I heard your father needs to get to Iraq. 559 00:23:10,775 --> 00:23:13,042 I could sure use some help building a hyperloop. 560 00:23:13,067 --> 00:23:15,567 But Iraq is a hundreds of miles away. 561 00:23:15,592 --> 00:23:18,593 Once you get into the ground, every point is equidistant. 562 00:23:18,618 --> 00:23:22,087 Equi-what?! You are a genius! 563 00:23:22,196 --> 00:23:24,229 Tesla Motors. 564 00:23:25,932 --> 00:23:29,501 The future is affluent. 565 00:23:29,503 --> 00:23:33,104 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 566 00:23:33,106 --> 00:23:35,239 ♪ It's solar power for the elite ♪ 567 00:23:35,241 --> 00:23:37,008 ♪ Solar power for the elite ♪ 568 00:23:37,010 --> 00:23:40,444 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 569 00:23:40,446 --> 00:23:44,149 ♪ Electric cars for the one percent ♪ 570 00:23:44,151 --> 00:23:47,585 ♪ Millionaires fighting climate change in style ♪ 571 00:23:47,587 --> 00:23:49,154 ♪ In a car made by that guy ♪ 572 00:23:49,156 --> 00:23:51,656 ♪ Who called that Thai diver a pedophile ♪ 573 00:23:51,658 --> 00:23:53,291 ♪ Pedophile, pedophile ♪ 574 00:23:53,293 --> 00:23:55,226 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 575 00:23:55,228 --> 00:23:57,327 ♪ Electric cars for the elite ♪ 576 00:23:58,331 --> 00:23:59,904 Friends, family, 577 00:23:59,929 --> 00:24:01,865 the millions of people who wanted to be here 578 00:24:01,867 --> 00:24:04,168 but had to pick up a friend from the airport, 579 00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:06,370 today, I head to the Middle East 580 00:24:06,372 --> 00:24:09,481 to shake the hand of a United States soldier. 581 00:24:09,506 --> 00:24:10,838 When will I return? 582 00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:13,370 No one knows, but probably later tonight. 583 00:24:13,395 --> 00:24:14,752 Lindsey, if I don't make it back, 584 00:24:14,777 --> 00:24:16,247 I give you permission to become 585 00:24:16,249 --> 00:24:18,441 an engorged leech upon Mitt Romney. 586 00:24:18,466 --> 00:24:21,966 Thank you, Mr. President. Give that hand hell! 587 00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,871 Oh, shit, no pilot. 588 00:24:24,896 --> 00:24:27,331 The military still hates me for hating them! 589 00:24:27,356 --> 00:24:28,655 Handshake is canceled. 590 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,822 Should we just blow up America and start over? 591 00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:34,415 Dad! Wait! I made a friend. 592 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,340 Don, this isn't a time for jokes. 593 00:24:36,365 --> 00:24:39,166 I'm serious! He has this tube, and you get in, 594 00:24:39,191 --> 00:24:40,690 and it's a car, and then you... 595 00:24:40,715 --> 00:24:42,315 He can explain it better than me, 596 00:24:42,341 --> 00:24:45,542 but you go right to Iraq in, like, ten minutes or something. 597 00:24:50,082 --> 00:24:53,455 Don't worry, Mr. President. We worked out all the kinks. 598 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,645 Who's "we"? 599 00:24:54,670 --> 00:24:56,571 Oh, me and your son Don Jr. 600 00:24:56,596 --> 00:24:57,961 Oh, this will not work. 601 00:24:57,986 --> 00:25:01,255 Relax. I know what I'm doing. I'm from Silicon Vall... 602 00:25:05,001 --> 00:25:07,635 Wh-Wha... What happened? 603 00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:09,927 You blew up, Dad! It was awesome! 604 00:25:09,952 --> 00:25:11,085 And Elon Musk? 605 00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,709 He died doing what he loved... 606 00:25:12,734 --> 00:25:16,069 spending lots of money to explode a thing nobody wanted. 607 00:25:16,094 --> 00:25:19,015 And he'll get to die again, someday. 608 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,773 Elon! You're back! 609 00:25:20,798 --> 00:25:23,432 Well, I downloaded my personality from the cloud 610 00:25:23,457 --> 00:25:25,490 into a genetically altered corpse. 611 00:25:25,515 --> 00:25:28,817 I won't give any more details because they're a tad immoral. 612 00:25:28,842 --> 00:25:32,510 Dad, you got wounded while trying to visit a combat zone! 613 00:25:32,535 --> 00:25:34,035 You're a hero! 614 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:40,515 And so I stand here in... 615 00:25:41,647 --> 00:25:43,666 Doggy Bag, Iraq... 616 00:25:43,668 --> 00:25:46,168 to shake the hand of the brave citizen 617 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:50,572 who injured himself on his way to the line of duty... me. 618 00:25:52,070 --> 00:25:54,505 I encourage the men who serve 619 00:25:54,530 --> 00:25:57,730 and women who abandoned their gender to serve 620 00:25:57,755 --> 00:26:01,157 to take their own hand and shake the hell out of it. 621 00:26:01,182 --> 00:26:02,948 Lord knows I'm not gonna. 622 00:26:02,973 --> 00:26:04,340 Y'all nasty! 623 00:26:04,365 --> 00:26:07,098 - Can we go back to bed? - Ron Paul revolution! 624 00:26:07,123 --> 00:26:10,012 And that was the President earlier today in Iraq, 625 00:26:10,037 --> 00:26:11,671 giving us the inspiration 626 00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,830 for another installment of President Chump... 627 00:26:14,855 --> 00:26:18,190 who, after his injury, could receive a Purple Heart. 628 00:26:18,215 --> 00:26:21,315 All he needs is a brain and some courage, 629 00:26:21,340 --> 00:26:25,543 and he'll be the wizard of Washington, D.C. 630 00:26:25,568 --> 00:26:28,101 Those are always fun. 631 00:26:28,189 --> 00:26:30,456 Now on to the looming nuclear war 632 00:26:30,481 --> 00:26:32,315 between India and Pakistan. 633 00:27:30,439 --> 00:27:32,438 Trump! 634 00:27:32,462 --> 00:27:37,462 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 48860

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