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Please welcome
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Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth
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and the guest of honor,
the American President,
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Donald Trump.
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Wow, the two royal
families together at last!
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We have so much in common...
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inherited wealth, sexual perversion.
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Let's get this out of the way...
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00:00:16,926 --> 00:00:19,927
yes, I said Meghan Markle is "nasty".
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In my defense,
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every time I'm about to be
a guest in someone's house,
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I get into a public feud
with their granddaughter.
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This suit is tight.
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I'm gonna have to peck my way
out of it like a baby chick.
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00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:32,114
Today, I am honored
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to sit next to the late,
great Barbara Bush.
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This is just like my semester abroad,
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only I haven't tried to
Amanda Knox my roommate.
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Happy 75th D-Day anniversary, everyone.
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To celebrate, we're grabbin'
our sunscreen and big umbrellas
21
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and headin' to Omaha Beach.
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Try to ignore Stephen Miller,
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who will be honoring the
fallen on the other side.
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Ohh, I'm so fucking hot.
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We won't be honoring John McCain,
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who refused to fight in World War II
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because of the lame excuse
that he was a toddler.
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00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,301
Thank you to my advance
team for throwing tarps
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00:01:04,326 --> 00:01:06,993
over all the gravestones
with the name "John"
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00:01:07,018 --> 00:01:09,558
so I don't get grumpy
and have a bad beach day.
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They're gonna have to cut me out
of this suit over several hours
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so I don't get the bends.
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I'm so jet-lagged!
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I just wanna go back
to the hotel and sleep!
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I'll be back in time for the luau!
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For the last time... there's no luau!
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Ugh! This vacation sucks!
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So let's toast to our
nations' eternal friendship
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as we live out this scene from
a 1980s R-rated comedy called...
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I don't know... Boner-In-Chief.
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00:01:36,859 --> 00:01:38,125
Uh-oh.
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That drink had a bubble. Hit the deck!
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- Oh.
- Oh! That is so much better.
44
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Uh-oh, here come the bends!
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Klobuchar!
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♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
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♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
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The Midwest was starving
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- before I signed legislation...
- Right.
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00:02:01,336 --> 00:02:02,480
... to make chickens
the size of mailboxes.
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00:02:02,504 --> 00:02:03,704
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, right, right.
52
00:02:03,729 --> 00:02:05,180
And not the blue mailboxes either...
53
00:02:05,205 --> 00:02:06,972
- Okay.
- ... the weird locked mailboxes
54
00:02:06,997 --> 00:02:08,297
- next to the blue ones...
- Sure.
55
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... that the mailman hides his lunch
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- and nighttime clothes inside. Y...
- Okay.
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Good news... Mr. President Trump
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is about to break his record
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00:02:14,849 --> 00:02:16,945
for longest uninterrupted call-in ever!
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They're installing suicide nets
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outside the closed-caption
office as we speak!
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00:02:21,868 --> 00:02:23,322
And it's not just the Mexicans
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that are pouring over our borders...
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- Go off, girl!
- It's the Portuguese, too,
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00:02:27,517 --> 00:02:30,039
but I don't see Jim
Acosta reporting on them.
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Jim Acosta is an old family friend,
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but now I hate his guts!
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I say we drop the big one on Portugal.
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What? What is he talking about?
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Let's nuke Jim Acosta,
too! If he's in Portugal,
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we can do a two-for-one
and save on shipping.
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So, if you want to grow
an extra arm this weekend,
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head downwind from Portugal!
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00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,055
Does President Trump's nuclear threat
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00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,028
mean he has gone full-on cuckoo bananas?
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A new poll shows 80% of
Americans describe him
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as "... unstable as a college freshman
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00:03:00,550 --> 00:03:02,247
who drags his mattress off the bed frame
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and sleeps in the closet."
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Here to comment is Democratic
presidential candidate
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Senator Elizabeth Warren.
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Chuck, the President's erratic behavior
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00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,638
poses a threat to the entire world,
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00:03:10,663 --> 00:03:13,396
and that is not some
buttonedup senator talking
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00:03:13,421 --> 00:03:16,222
it's laid-back,
beer-swillin' Lizzy Warren.
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00:03:16,686 --> 00:03:18,185
Wow, that is warm.
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00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:20,298
Or, could this be Trump's first move
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in a nine-dimensional chess game?
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- Absolutely not.
- Well, only time will tell.
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00:03:24,489 --> 00:03:26,075
No, Chuck, he's dangerous.
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00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,928
Only time will tell. Thank you, Senator.
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00:03:29,112 --> 00:03:31,293
Geez, everyone's calling me a whack job
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just because I
threatened to nuke Norway.
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Portugal, sir.
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We know I'm not a details guy.
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00:03:38,364 --> 00:03:40,831
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- The rapture is upon us!
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I can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven
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sorting buttons with Karen Pence!
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Relax, Rapture Randy.
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I just ordered a little
ballistic-missile test
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00:03:49,269 --> 00:03:51,175
to make sure the seat
of Jim Acosta's pants
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stays coated in pee-pee.
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Whatever color pills you ate
today, eat a different color,
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00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:56,446
or it's 25th Amendment time!
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Is that the one where you
have to say if you're a cop?
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It's the one where we
yank you out of office
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00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,008
for acting like a loony toon.
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00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,365
So someone grounded and
rational like Mike Pence
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00:04:04,390 --> 00:04:06,468
- becomes president.
- I understand, God.
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I still have more
buttons to sort on Earth.
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Cheerio.
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Leaders around the globe
held an emergency summit
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to discuss President Trump's
threat to annihilate Portugal.
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We've obtained audio from
the closed-door meeting...
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The European Union will act decisively
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to neutralize this tyrant!
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We take the whole
"ranting mad-man" thing
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pretty seriously here
in Germany, you know.
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00:04:28,793 --> 00:04:30,733
Oh, come on, he misspoke!
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Isn't Trump allowed one mistake?
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No matter who I threaten,
Dr. Ronny, I just can't win!
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00:04:36,096 --> 00:04:39,083
They've got it wrong...
I'm a very stable genius!
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00:04:39,108 --> 00:04:41,908
According to my Brain-O-Meter,
class-action lawsuit pending,
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00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,508
your brain waves are pulsating
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00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:46,296
at 720 kilowhirls per miliyear.
126
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And that's good, right?
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Oh, off the charts, kilowhirl-wise.
128
00:04:49,773 --> 00:04:51,451
I knew it! Just give me a doctor's note
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00:04:51,476 --> 00:04:53,328
saying I'm not a danger
to myself or others,
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00:04:53,353 --> 00:04:55,305
or I'll do something
real bad to both of us.
131
00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:57,750
So why did you threaten Portugal, sir?
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I was just doing some
thermonuclear free association
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00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,255
with my Fox & Friends, and it stuck.
134
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,847
Now I have to do it or no
one will take me seriously,
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00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,327
and if no one takes me seriously,
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00:05:07,352 --> 00:05:09,227
I'll have to blow up the whole world.
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00:05:09,252 --> 00:05:12,342
Sounds reasonable to me, and
I live in the back of a car.
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00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,113
Bill Shine! Aren't you supposed to be
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00:05:16,138 --> 00:05:18,386
getting the President
re-elected in perpetuity?
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00:05:18,411 --> 00:05:20,287
I took a long lunch
because this is important...
141
00:05:20,311 --> 00:05:22,746
when I worked at Fox News,
I championed you guys.
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00:05:22,771 --> 00:05:25,790
- Hell, I made you who you are.
- We're your Frankenstein!
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00:05:25,815 --> 00:05:28,136
Uh, Frankenstein was the scientist.
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00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,772
- Godzilla was the monster.
- Shut up, Kilmeade.
145
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,539
Now my loyalty is to the White House,
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00:05:32,564 --> 00:05:35,289
so I need you three to stop
driving the President crazy.
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Oh, stop... he's no crazier
than our loyal viewers.
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They adore us so much, they
send 40-page love letters
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written in their own fluids.
150
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:43,940
- Awww!
- Awww!
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Just make the show a little more gentle
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until the President stops
trying to kill all of us
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00:05:48,191 --> 00:05:50,191
and goes back to trying
to kill some of us.
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Daddy, we're here because we care deeply
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00:05:53,649 --> 00:05:55,550
about not getting irradiated.
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Thanks for your concern, but
I got this note from Dr. Ronny
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saying my brain cholesterol
is at an all-time good,
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00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,397
so I'm perfectly capable
of running the planet.
159
00:06:03,422 --> 00:06:04,828
Anyway, we asked someone
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00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:06,737
who actually cares
about you to join us...
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00:06:06,762 --> 00:06:08,451
- Hey, Donald!
- Putin?
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00:06:08,476 --> 00:06:09,609
Yeah, buddy, look,
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I'm all for unprovoked military force,
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00:06:12,092 --> 00:06:15,280
but if it's on the same day
you appoint a Terry Fator puppet
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to the United Nations, it
makes people a little jumpy.
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Terry Fator's puppets
are notorious instigators.
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Not exactly the right
temperament for the U.N.
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There you go, sort of.
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Bill Shine wants gentle and cerebral?
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00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:31,453
This is Fox & Friends... not PBS.
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00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,350
Nobody watches us to chill out...
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they watch us to hear how Ocasio-Cortez
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is personally stealing
land from white Africans!
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There is something to be said
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for the slow, methodical world-building
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of a PBS costume drama.
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Slow... methodical...
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what the hell are you
talking about, Brian?
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I wrote some scripts.
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00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,462
Never mind. They're stupid.
You don't want to see them.
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- Of course we don't!
- Fine, here they are.
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I don't know about this...
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Whoa, I get to wear a
big, tall hat? I'm in!
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00:06:57,942 --> 00:06:59,636
Me too! Mostly because,
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00:06:59,661 --> 00:07:02,229
if I disagree with you guys,
you'll ignore me anyway!
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00:07:04,943 --> 00:07:09,045
Daddy! You said you'd stop
these missile tests! God!
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00:07:09,070 --> 00:07:10,513
They scare the shit
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00:07:10,538 --> 00:07:12,858
out of people who are
less brave than me!
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00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:15,651
Listen, I made a promise to
someone... I forgot who...
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00:07:15,676 --> 00:07:17,809
that I'd blow up Portugal...
I'm not sure why...
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00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,419
and I'm not about to embarrass myself
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in front of whoever for
whatever reason that was.
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00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:25,204
Daddy... where's Eric? You were
supposed to give him a bath!
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00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:28,979
You said to wait for you, s-so I did.
195
00:07:29,004 --> 00:07:32,082
His nuts are so small and wrinkly, Dad!
196
00:07:32,107 --> 00:07:34,040
They'll never be normal nuts again!
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00:07:34,065 --> 00:07:35,965
Relax... Anyone could have forgotten
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00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:37,920
their screaming adult son in the bath.
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00:07:37,945 --> 00:07:40,713
Daddy... what if it had
been someone you care about?
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00:07:40,738 --> 00:07:42,571
Someone... like me?
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00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:46,487
Oh, my God. My children.
My one good children.
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00:07:46,512 --> 00:07:49,964
Please, Daddy, let us help
you make your brain good again.
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00:07:49,989 --> 00:07:51,042
For the country,
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00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:53,631
so it'll trust you enough
to steal all its money.
205
00:07:53,656 --> 00:07:56,356
And for Eric, whose nuts art in Heaven.
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00:07:56,381 --> 00:07:59,172
Let's do it. Not just for Eric's nuts,
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00:07:59,197 --> 00:08:01,146
but the whole country's nuts.
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00:08:01,171 --> 00:08:02,303
- Cool!
- Yay!
209
00:08:04,099 --> 00:08:07,067
Come back if you
need c-cold, dirty water!
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00:08:10,341 --> 00:08:12,908
Kids, we all know that
the best way to prove
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00:08:12,933 --> 00:08:15,333
someone is competent,
sane, and trustworthy is...
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00:08:15,358 --> 00:08:17,205
Prime-time televised game show!
213
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,464
Exactly! In one week's time,
214
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:22,762
I'm gonna show the country,
live, on network TV,
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00:08:22,787 --> 00:08:25,529
that my brain is more
functional than Ronald Reagan's
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00:08:25,554 --> 00:08:27,231
the day he left office.
217
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,156
I'm thinking my doctor
who lives in a car
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00:08:29,181 --> 00:08:31,538
tests me in front of a billion
Americans, and we call it...
219
00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:32,648
Big Brain Showdown!
220
00:08:32,673 --> 00:08:35,173
With a special
performance by Jamiroquai.
221
00:08:35,198 --> 00:08:36,335
Love it. At the end,
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00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,661
Dr. Ronny will smash my
brain with a sledgehammer
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00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,111
and, if it puffs back up
with a big boing sound,
224
00:08:41,136 --> 00:08:42,857
everyone will know I'm fine.
225
00:08:42,882 --> 00:08:45,215
I'll check to make sure
Jamiroquai isn't touring.
226
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,907
Ivanka, I really hope he's not touring.
227
00:08:56,484 --> 00:08:59,218
Three white people in a house...
228
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:01,552
It's Friendship Manor.
229
00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,871
Lady Ainsleyhardt, have
you readied the dining room
230
00:09:04,896 --> 00:09:07,137
for this evening's repaste? R-Re-past?
231
00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:09,199
Yes, I have left ample space
232
00:09:09,224 --> 00:09:13,059
between the Duke of Winshire
and the Marquess of Aberdingle.
233
00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:15,957
And have you considered
my proposal of marriage?
234
00:09:15,982 --> 00:09:19,372
It would secure Friendship
Manor for generations to come.
235
00:09:19,397 --> 00:09:20,764
I have, Lord Doocifus.
236
00:09:20,789 --> 00:09:23,056
It's just that my heart
belongs to another...
237
00:09:27,476 --> 00:09:30,344
This is extremely my shit.
238
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:33,561
We need to make sure you actually win
239
00:09:33,586 --> 00:09:34,952
Big Brain Showdown,
240
00:09:34,977 --> 00:09:38,346
so let's exercise that
noggin with a brain teaser.
241
00:09:38,371 --> 00:09:40,404
After my divorce, I found solace
242
00:09:40,429 --> 00:09:43,229
in the ancient practice of mindfulness.
243
00:09:43,254 --> 00:09:46,153
Okay, a murderer is
condemned to death...
244
00:09:46,178 --> 00:09:48,064
Biased judge, activist court,
245
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:49,912
appeal it till it gets
to Kavanaugh's desk.
246
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,538
- Solved it.
- Daddy! Hold on! I wasn't done!
247
00:09:52,563 --> 00:09:56,386
Now just close your eyes and
let your thoughts drift away.
248
00:09:56,411 --> 00:09:58,243
Whooooosh.
249
00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,379
Whoo...
250
00:10:00,404 --> 00:10:02,571
Oh, shit! I swallowed a bug!
251
00:10:02,596 --> 00:10:04,930
Now a bug's gonna grow in my stomach.
252
00:10:04,955 --> 00:10:07,156
Get it out before it
goes through puberty!
253
00:10:07,181 --> 00:10:11,567
As punishment, the murderer has
to enter one of three rooms...
254
00:10:11,592 --> 00:10:14,926
one with assassins, one that's on fire,
255
00:10:14,951 --> 00:10:18,220
and one with lions who
haven't eaten in years.
256
00:10:18,245 --> 00:10:19,942
Wait, are the lions tigers?
257
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:22,434
Of course! Actually, wait. Are they?
258
00:10:22,459 --> 00:10:24,937
Sir, the United Nations Security Council
259
00:10:24,962 --> 00:10:26,371
has been on hold for three days.
260
00:10:26,396 --> 00:10:27,495
What should I tell them?
261
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,053
We're doing something!
262
00:10:29,078 --> 00:10:32,068
So I just pull on that thing
in the back of your throat
263
00:10:32,093 --> 00:10:33,867
- until you barf the bug?
- Uh-huh.
264
00:10:33,892 --> 00:10:35,958
Back at Wharton, my
buddy Brench taught me
265
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,049
that's the "vom-cord".
266
00:10:37,074 --> 00:10:39,675
Hello, zoo? Are lions tigers?
267
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,473
Ask him if lions are
tigers. I am. Shut up!
268
00:10:42,498 --> 00:10:43,564
Uh-huh...
269
00:10:43,589 --> 00:10:45,089
Oh...
270
00:10:45,114 --> 00:10:46,751
But how do you know?
271
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,476
- They don't know.
- I knew it!
272
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:50,502
Ask them if donkeys are horses.
273
00:10:50,527 --> 00:10:52,158
Shut up, Pompeo!
274
00:10:52,183 --> 00:10:54,350
Actually, that's a good question.
275
00:10:56,938 --> 00:10:59,826
- Do you feel anything?
- Almost!
276
00:10:59,851 --> 00:11:01,351
All right, I'm gonna...
277
00:11:01,376 --> 00:11:03,009
I'm grab... I got something. Hold it.
278
00:11:04,421 --> 00:11:06,477
Everything okay over there?
279
00:11:06,502 --> 00:11:08,535
Yeah, just doing some mediation.
280
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:12,202
I love you too, Kilmington.
281
00:11:12,227 --> 00:11:15,370
Even if you are a penniless
footman with rotten teeth.
282
00:11:15,395 --> 00:11:17,866
Then there is something
I must show you...
283
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:22,838
The will of my uncle, Count Friendship!
284
00:11:22,863 --> 00:11:25,099
Wasn't that destroyed
in the orphanage fire?
285
00:11:25,124 --> 00:11:26,130
Shh!
286
00:11:26,155 --> 00:11:28,887
But that was destroyed
in the orphanage fire!
287
00:11:28,912 --> 00:11:30,837
- What'd I say? Knew it.
- Shut the fuck up!
288
00:11:30,862 --> 00:11:34,815
I found it in Doocifus's
chambers, and there's more...
289
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,195
Doocifus is not your cousin.
290
00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:38,396
He is...
291
00:11:38,421 --> 00:11:42,667
Mister Doonces of 49
Poorman's Lane, Coventry.
292
00:11:42,692 --> 00:11:44,425
So you've found me out, have you?
293
00:11:44,450 --> 00:11:46,699
But if he's not really
my cousin, then...
294
00:11:46,724 --> 00:11:48,845
Then you, Lady Ainsleyhardt,
295
00:11:48,870 --> 00:11:52,605
are the true heir to Friendship Manor...
296
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:54,635
- Whoooooaaaa.
- Whoooooaaaa.
297
00:11:55,884 --> 00:11:58,182
I think Dad's swamp
brain might be cured.
298
00:11:58,207 --> 00:11:59,557
He helped me barf up a bug.
299
00:11:59,582 --> 00:12:02,087
And he helped me get
that dumb zoo guy fired.
300
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,291
He's gonna be so psyched
that he didn't have to visit
301
00:12:04,316 --> 00:12:05,323
an actual mental-health professional.
302
00:12:05,347 --> 00:12:06,365
Now answer me this...
303
00:12:06,389 --> 00:12:09,157
what has Europe ever done for us?!
304
00:12:09,182 --> 00:12:12,369
Drag them, Hannity!
305
00:12:12,394 --> 00:12:15,161
As far as I'm concerned,
Christopher Columbus
306
00:12:15,186 --> 00:12:18,135
wasn't even born till he got to America!
307
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,793
Tell Spain to lean the other way
308
00:12:19,818 --> 00:12:22,324
because it's Portugal nuke time, baby!
309
00:12:22,349 --> 00:12:25,010
This is the problem, Dad.
TV makes you nuttier
310
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:28,336
than the 23-year-old high-school
kid in my two-man fight club.
311
00:12:28,361 --> 00:12:29,994
Sorry, Daddy, but the TVs
312
00:12:30,019 --> 00:12:32,217
are going straight into "insinkerator".
313
00:12:32,242 --> 00:12:33,251
Fine, take it.
314
00:12:33,276 --> 00:12:35,332
Whatever Fox & Friends
is doing these days
315
00:12:35,357 --> 00:12:38,372
- is extremely not my shit.
- Get some rest.
316
00:12:38,397 --> 00:12:40,713
Tomorrow, you have to
prove to the American people
317
00:12:40,738 --> 00:12:44,528
that you're as with it as a
72-year-old speed-freak can be.
318
00:12:44,553 --> 00:12:45,753
Hello?
319
00:12:45,777 --> 00:12:48,010
I think I'm clean now!
320
00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:53,403
"I love Lady Ainsleyhardt's
indomibibble spirit."
321
00:12:53,428 --> 00:12:56,363
It's just nice getting fan mail
that doesn't refer to my womb
322
00:12:56,388 --> 00:12:58,429
as an essential weapon in the race war.
323
00:12:58,454 --> 00:13:00,979
"Doocifus is bae"? I don't
know what that means,
324
00:13:01,004 --> 00:13:03,426
but it ends in "e", so it's okay by me.
325
00:13:03,451 --> 00:13:05,561
Brian, how do you write
these genius scripts?
326
00:13:05,586 --> 00:13:07,670
I installed some beams in my house
327
00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:09,725
and got the feet and inches mixed up,
328
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:11,671
so every night I run full steam
329
00:13:11,696 --> 00:13:14,997
into a piece of gorgeous,
varnished cherry-wood.
330
00:13:15,022 --> 00:13:17,422
And when I come to, there's a "scrimpt".
331
00:13:17,447 --> 00:13:20,113
Wow, this one's signed
"Barack and Michelle".
332
00:13:20,138 --> 00:13:23,122
And this one is from
the Peabody Foundation!
333
00:13:23,147 --> 00:13:25,757
Guys, you got to feel
how thick this paper is.
334
00:13:25,782 --> 00:13:27,593
Ooh!
335
00:13:27,618 --> 00:13:30,321
I think it might be five
slices stuck together.
336
00:13:31,313 --> 00:13:33,265
Ohh, it's not!
337
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:38,237
Daddy, it's almost time for
your Big Brain Showdown.
338
00:13:38,262 --> 00:13:40,038
Remember... it's called underwear
339
00:13:40,063 --> 00:13:42,764
because you "wear" it when
you're "under" the sky!
340
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,777
Let's go show this country
how coherent I can be
341
00:13:45,802 --> 00:13:48,173
for a short amount
of time on television.
342
00:13:49,048 --> 00:13:51,349
Welcome to The Big Brain Showdown.
343
00:13:51,374 --> 00:13:53,851
The only show where we
test how healthy, buff,
344
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,387
and whisper-quiet the
President's brain is.
345
00:13:56,412 --> 00:13:58,340
I'm your host, Dr. Ronny.
346
00:13:58,365 --> 00:13:59,957
Let's meet our contestant.
347
00:13:59,982 --> 00:14:01,549
Born in Queens,
348
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:05,182
Donald John Trump's colon has the
same microbial biodiversity
349
00:14:05,207 --> 00:14:07,031
as an escalator handrail.
350
00:14:07,056 --> 00:14:10,224
Tonight, he's playing for the
trust of the American people
351
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:11,936
and his favorite charity,
352
00:14:11,961 --> 00:14:14,222
Eric's Home for Hypothermic Men.
353
00:14:14,446 --> 00:14:17,085
The showdown consists of 25 questions
354
00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:19,757
that test the memory,
logic, and reasoning skills
355
00:14:19,782 --> 00:14:20,782
of the President.
356
00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:24,375
Seven or more correct answers
will be considered an A++.
357
00:14:24,454 --> 00:14:25,454
Let's begin.
358
00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:28,742
Marcus Aurelius once said,
359
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:31,835
"The soul becomes dyed with
the color of its thoughts."
360
00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:32,926
Name a color.
361
00:14:32,951 --> 00:14:34,250
Strawberry.
362
00:14:34,595 --> 00:14:35,995
Correct.
363
00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:37,400
What song is this?
364
00:14:37,425 --> 00:14:41,242
"Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way."
365
00:14:41,267 --> 00:14:42,432
Jingy Bells.
366
00:14:42,457 --> 00:14:43,945
Judges.
367
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,837
We'll accept Jingy Bells.
368
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,586
- John Elway.
- Correct.
369
00:14:47,611 --> 00:14:50,285
Blair, Jo, Natalie,
Tootie, and Mrs. Garrett.
370
00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:51,341
Correct.
371
00:14:51,366 --> 00:14:53,286
And Godzilla was the monster.
372
00:14:53,311 --> 00:14:55,251
- Correct.
- He was brought back to life
373
00:14:55,276 --> 00:14:57,547
- when Trinity confessed her love.
- Correct.
374
00:14:57,572 --> 00:14:58,726
- Nine.
- Correct.
375
00:14:58,751 --> 00:15:00,954
- No, wait. 42,000.
- Correct.
376
00:15:00,979 --> 00:15:03,467
They were being held in the
basement of Comet Ping Pong!
377
00:15:03,492 --> 00:15:04,492
Correct.
378
00:15:04,517 --> 00:15:07,833
Marry Kissinger, Fuck
McNamara, Kill Nixon.
379
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:08,858
Judges?
380
00:15:08,883 --> 00:15:09,884
Correct.
381
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,923
And now your final question...
382
00:15:11,948 --> 00:15:14,998
Who's a big, loud boy
with a big, healthy brain?
383
00:15:15,023 --> 00:15:17,226
Uh... me?
384
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,059
Well, let's just say...
385
00:15:19,083 --> 00:15:21,648
... we will reveal the
results after this break.
386
00:15:21,673 --> 00:15:24,507
They always do this.
387
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:28,187
Hi, I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow,
388
00:15:28,212 --> 00:15:31,113
the most comfortable
pillow you'll ever own.
389
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,315
Have you ever thought that
390
00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:34,436
something that was perfectly fine
391
00:15:34,461 --> 00:15:36,294
should be different somehow?
392
00:15:36,319 --> 00:15:38,020
Then buy my pillow.
393
00:15:38,045 --> 00:15:42,036
I could never get a restful
sleep because of my pillow,
394
00:15:42,061 --> 00:15:43,125
so one night,
395
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,252
I chucked a brick through a
high-school home-ec window,
396
00:15:46,277 --> 00:15:48,564
ripped the sewing machine off the bolts,
397
00:15:48,589 --> 00:15:51,400
and stitched together
the American dream.
398
00:15:51,425 --> 00:15:54,593
Call now, or maybe I'll call you!
399
00:15:54,618 --> 00:15:55,971
Welcome back.
400
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,863
I know a lot of hypothermic men
401
00:15:57,888 --> 00:15:59,626
who will be very happy tonight.
402
00:15:59,651 --> 00:16:02,154
Mr. President, you
are mentally competent.
403
00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:05,036
- Yay, Daddy!
- Yay! Ugh!
404
00:16:05,061 --> 00:16:06,707
I swallowed some confetti.
405
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,398
Ivanka! Pull my vom-cord!
406
00:16:09,915 --> 00:16:12,597
Was last night's Big Brain
Showdown a success?
407
00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:14,656
The EU released a
statement saying, quote,
408
00:16:14,681 --> 00:16:16,887
"We take comfort that his
family is occupying him
409
00:16:16,912 --> 00:16:18,445
with a make-believe game show."
410
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:22,020
And now, accepting the Peabody Award
411
00:16:22,045 --> 00:16:23,411
for excellence in entertainment,
412
00:16:23,436 --> 00:16:26,034
is the cast of my favorite
show, Friendship Manor.
413
00:16:26,059 --> 00:16:28,068
Whoa! Happy days!
414
00:16:28,093 --> 00:16:31,293
Lord Doocifus himself. This is so cool.
415
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:35,042
To anyone who ever heard
the words "you can't",
416
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,500
"no one wants that",
417
00:16:36,602 --> 00:16:39,527
or "don't eat that...
they made it in props",
418
00:16:39,552 --> 00:16:42,409
I am living proof
that you can do it all.
419
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:43,786
Okay, I'll go.
420
00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:46,761
Keep dreaming! Keep
friendshipping! Keep mattering!
421
00:16:46,786 --> 00:16:49,500
Kaitlyn, Kirstyn, and
Bryan Jr., go to bed!
422
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,025
Daddy won a Peabody!
423
00:16:54,987 --> 00:16:58,499
Nice job tonight, Dad. You
beat the shit out of your brain!
424
00:16:58,524 --> 00:17:00,950
That one question about
whether cars go zoom
425
00:17:00,975 --> 00:17:03,434
- was pretty tough.
- Well, see you later, Daddy.
426
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:05,005
You know we all have, like, five kids?
427
00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:06,129
And they call me Mom.
428
00:17:06,154 --> 00:17:07,882
I don't have time to get
into it, but it's insane.
429
00:17:07,906 --> 00:17:09,205
Okay, bye!
430
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:13,013
Ahh, got the night all to myself.
431
00:17:13,038 --> 00:17:15,806
Now, where did I put my
mind-enhancing puzzles?
432
00:17:19,006 --> 00:17:21,040
I've looked everywhere. Hm.
433
00:17:21,065 --> 00:17:24,120
Well, it would be fun to
treat myself to a little TV.
434
00:17:25,236 --> 00:17:27,663
Oh, yeah. TV gone, too.
435
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:34,912
Can we swing by Men's Warehouse
so I can return this suit?
436
00:17:34,937 --> 00:17:37,458
Hey, hey! Fellas!
437
00:17:37,483 --> 00:17:40,645
Did you also get turned away
from the Peabody afterparty
438
00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:42,575
because you forgot
how to spell your name?
439
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,082
- Shut up!
- Brian, Brian, Brian...
440
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,660
Okay, while you were at these,
uh, Golden Snowflake Awards,
441
00:17:47,685 --> 00:17:48,691
we were in the studio,
442
00:17:48,716 --> 00:17:50,773
ensuring the First Amendment
rights of white people
443
00:17:50,798 --> 00:17:53,474
to sing the N-word at karaoke,
and you weren't there.
444
00:17:53,499 --> 00:17:57,388
But Bill Shine told me to stop
driving the President insane,
445
00:17:57,413 --> 00:17:58,498
- so I just thought I...
- Oh, oh, oh.
446
00:17:58,522 --> 00:18:00,350
That's what you think, Brian?
You thought wrong.
447
00:18:00,374 --> 00:18:02,171
Your allegiance is
to Fox News... got it?
448
00:18:02,196 --> 00:18:03,329
We all took the same vows
449
00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:05,065
in Roger Ailes's amphibious sex plane.
450
00:18:05,090 --> 00:18:08,251
But Friendship Manor
is life-affirming TV.
451
00:18:08,276 --> 00:18:10,894
Fox News doesn't affirm life...
it De-firms life,
452
00:18:10,919 --> 00:18:13,305
and scares men into thinking
their sperm count will drop
453
00:18:13,330 --> 00:18:14,530
if they let their wives drive.
454
00:18:14,554 --> 00:18:16,153
Don't forget that, Kilmeade.
455
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:18,927
Hey, can we stop at Men's Warehouse?
456
00:18:18,952 --> 00:18:20,880
I want to dig through
the discount suit bin.
457
00:18:22,139 --> 00:18:24,406
Huh. No TV in here either...
458
00:18:24,773 --> 00:18:27,641
I'll just sit here alone
with my thoughts.
459
00:18:30,591 --> 00:18:32,424
Oh, hi. Good to see you.
460
00:18:32,449 --> 00:18:34,159
I'm gonna need the nuclear football
461
00:18:34,184 --> 00:18:36,218
and an upside-down
umbrella full of Diet Coke.
462
00:18:36,897 --> 00:18:39,131
Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
Love the tie.
463
00:18:45,537 --> 00:18:47,237
Brian, I had a question
464
00:18:47,262 --> 00:18:49,174
about the Baronet's harpsichord teacher.
465
00:18:49,199 --> 00:18:51,453
It's over, guys. Friendship
Manor is done.
466
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:53,974
But Doocifus still has his maidenhead!
467
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:57,020
Tucker and Sean were right.
We should be out there
468
00:18:57,045 --> 00:19:00,245
scaring old ladies into
buying barbed-wire doormats...
469
00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:02,026
not acting out fiction.
470
00:19:02,051 --> 00:19:05,088
But we've got so many
stories left to tell!
471
00:19:05,113 --> 00:19:07,816
What about their stories, Ainsley?
472
00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:09,395
But Ainsleyhardt
473
00:19:09,419 --> 00:19:11,573
is a three-dimension female character!
474
00:19:11,598 --> 00:19:14,316
And who's gonna tell my big, tall hat?
475
00:19:15,335 --> 00:19:17,903
We now present a very special
476
00:19:17,928 --> 00:19:21,171
Friendship Manor.
477
00:19:21,196 --> 00:19:24,098
Hello, viewers. It's me, Brian Kilmeade.
478
00:19:24,123 --> 00:19:25,443
I mean Kilmington,
479
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:27,734
or, as you would have
learned in the next episode,
480
00:19:27,759 --> 00:19:30,504
Kilmington's brother, who
was feared lost at sea.
481
00:19:30,529 --> 00:19:32,340
- Are you kidding me?!
- Don't spoil it!
482
00:19:32,365 --> 00:19:35,614
Friendship Manor is
going on permanent hiatus
483
00:19:35,639 --> 00:19:38,352
because I don't know how
to stand up for myself.
484
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:40,011
Fare-thee-well.
485
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,026
I'm lost. Did we miss an episode?
486
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:45,205
I bet it all pays off.
Just keep watching.
487
00:19:46,355 --> 00:19:48,732
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Daddy! Daddy! Open up!
488
00:19:48,757 --> 00:19:51,998
What's he doing in there? We
took away his TV and phone.
489
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:54,476
Hey, what's that thing that
Dad says every day at breakfast
490
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:56,717
about leaving him
alone with his thoughts?
491
00:19:56,742 --> 00:19:59,186
Oh, uh, don't ever leave
me alone with my thoughts,
492
00:19:59,211 --> 00:20:00,922
or I'll blow up the entire world.
493
00:20:00,947 --> 00:20:02,512
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
494
00:20:02,537 --> 00:20:05,772
Hey! Hey! Do not
leave me alone with my thoughts!
495
00:20:05,797 --> 00:20:07,905
I will kill everything forever!
496
00:20:08,138 --> 00:20:09,871
You know what this means?
497
00:20:09,896 --> 00:20:12,832
He's having breakfast without us.
498
00:20:12,857 --> 00:20:14,457
Daddy, no!
499
00:20:14,482 --> 00:20:16,856
We're hungry, too!
500
00:20:16,881 --> 00:20:18,949
So I walk into the 21 Club,
501
00:20:18,973 --> 00:20:22,143
and I see Andre Agassi,
and he has his back to me.
502
00:20:22,168 --> 00:20:24,634
And he knew I was gonna
walk in. He knew it.
503
00:20:24,659 --> 00:20:26,768
So he'll be dead, too.
504
00:20:27,151 --> 00:20:29,994
I'm Wolf Blitzer and
you're watching me realize
505
00:20:30,019 --> 00:20:31,744
I left my lunch in my car.
506
00:20:31,769 --> 00:20:33,418
It's shrimp salad... it'll keep.
507
00:20:33,443 --> 00:20:34,881
With the President isolated
508
00:20:34,906 --> 00:20:37,638
and in possession of
the nuclear football,
509
00:20:37,663 --> 00:20:39,599
European leaders are considering
510
00:20:39,624 --> 00:20:41,559
a preemptive strike on the U.S.
511
00:20:41,584 --> 00:20:43,685
Uh-oh, that's where the shrimp salad is.
512
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:47,364
Meanwhile, Vice President Pence
and the cabinet are deciding
513
00:20:47,389 --> 00:20:49,715
whether or not to remove
Trump from office.
514
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:50,973
Breakups are tough.
515
00:20:50,998 --> 00:20:53,434
Launch codes are around here somewhere.
516
00:20:55,727 --> 00:20:58,368
Ugh, why's everything so hard to find?
517
00:20:59,141 --> 00:21:01,329
Yikes, that guy looks like crap.
518
00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:02,624
No, you look like crap.
519
00:21:02,649 --> 00:21:04,293
No, you look like crap.
520
00:21:04,318 --> 00:21:05,863
No, you look like crap.
521
00:21:05,888 --> 00:21:07,691
You can't talk to me like that!
522
00:21:07,716 --> 00:21:10,997
But I'm part of you, idiot.
I'm your subconscious.
523
00:21:11,022 --> 00:21:12,121
Subconscious...
524
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:14,211
Is that the room where
rodeo clowns hang out
525
00:21:14,236 --> 00:21:15,448
before it's time to go in?
526
00:21:15,473 --> 00:21:16,773
God, you're dumb.
527
00:21:16,798 --> 00:21:18,783
It's the place deep inside your head
528
00:21:18,808 --> 00:21:20,273
where all your emotions live.
529
00:21:20,298 --> 00:21:21,974
And it is rough down here.
530
00:21:21,999 --> 00:21:24,662
Oh, no! I'm crazy, aren't I?
531
00:21:24,687 --> 00:21:27,064
Is that why I'm such a math genius?
532
00:21:27,089 --> 00:21:29,923
You're more of a run-of-the-mill
sociopathic narcissist,
533
00:21:29,948 --> 00:21:32,836
who, through a weird twist of
fate, can destroy the world.
534
00:21:32,861 --> 00:21:34,533
Okay. What's the bad news?
535
00:21:34,558 --> 00:21:37,173
You'll destroy us with it,
you dumb piece of shit.
536
00:21:37,198 --> 00:21:38,775
There's always a catch.
537
00:21:40,334 --> 00:21:42,511
Hey, it's Doocifus and Ainsleyhardt!
538
00:21:42,536 --> 00:21:44,480
We don't do that show anymore!
539
00:21:44,505 --> 00:21:45,756
No selfies!
540
00:21:45,781 --> 00:21:48,585
There they are! The people
we've been looking for.
541
00:21:48,610 --> 00:21:50,042
So, like, how are you guys?
542
00:21:50,067 --> 00:21:52,299
Dad is about to blow up the free world,
543
00:21:52,324 --> 00:21:53,848
but, seriously, how are you guys?
544
00:21:53,873 --> 00:21:56,543
Here's some coins, kids. Go play
Buck Hunter or something.
545
00:21:56,568 --> 00:21:59,085
He gave them to me.
That means I'm in charge.
546
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:00,463
I'm gonna be good!
547
00:22:00,488 --> 00:22:02,419
The President needs the
old Fox & Friends show
548
00:22:02,444 --> 00:22:05,169
to get the steam out of his ears
so it doesn't cook his brain.
549
00:22:05,194 --> 00:22:07,227
The old show? But I can't even remember
550
00:22:07,252 --> 00:22:09,765
why wealthy old white men
are underprivileged anymore.
551
00:22:09,790 --> 00:22:13,621
Maybe this will jog your memory.
"Dear Fox & Friends.
552
00:22:13,646 --> 00:22:15,755
If I didn't have you to talk to,
553
00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:18,114
I would probably kill everybody.
554
00:22:18,139 --> 00:22:20,539
I love you so much.
555
00:22:20,564 --> 00:22:23,919
Yours, the President
of the United States."
556
00:22:23,944 --> 00:22:27,022
I was packing up Kilmington's
cummerbund when I found this.
557
00:22:27,047 --> 00:22:30,426
And there are 30 more, just
like it, all from the President.
558
00:22:30,451 --> 00:22:32,037
He needs us, damn it.
559
00:22:32,062 --> 00:22:35,075
What do you say, Fox &
Friends star Ainsley Earhardt?
560
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:36,999
I actually prefer Friendship Manor.
561
00:22:37,024 --> 00:22:39,053
She's in... let's go!
562
00:22:39,393 --> 00:22:42,528
All those in favor of removing
the President from office
563
00:22:42,553 --> 00:22:44,499
and installing me instead?
564
00:22:44,524 --> 00:22:46,730
Wait! I'm not crazy!
565
00:22:46,755 --> 00:22:48,989
The mirror-me said so!
566
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:50,214
Yikes.
567
00:22:50,239 --> 00:22:52,373
You guys believe me, right?
568
00:22:53,784 --> 00:22:56,518
Wow, nobody's on my side.
569
00:22:56,543 --> 00:22:58,996
And after all the stuff I've done
570
00:22:59,021 --> 00:23:00,921
for your investment portfolios.
571
00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:02,880
Fine, say goodbye to Earth!
572
00:23:07,857 --> 00:23:11,166
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
573
00:23:11,191 --> 00:23:12,523
Whoa! It's TV!
574
00:23:12,548 --> 00:23:14,248
Fox & Friends... activate!
575
00:23:14,273 --> 00:23:16,538
God, I hate that nuclear football,
576
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:17,696
don't you, Brian?
577
00:23:17,721 --> 00:23:20,474
It makes me sick, yee-uck!
578
00:23:20,499 --> 00:23:22,232
Get rid of it!
579
00:23:22,257 --> 00:23:24,755
Yeah... yeah... I hate it, too.
580
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:26,380
You know what else makes me sick?
581
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:27,914
What, Mr. President?
582
00:23:27,939 --> 00:23:30,855
Integration. The trickle-down
part of economics.
583
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,519
Swiss Family Robinson.
584
00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:34,465
So, we're just gonna
pretend this is fine?
585
00:23:34,490 --> 00:23:35,955
Consider the alternative.
586
00:23:35,980 --> 00:23:38,859
God, guide my hand as I use this device
587
00:23:38,884 --> 00:23:41,639
to wipe the cast of
The L Word from Earth.
588
00:23:41,664 --> 00:23:44,464
Trump's cabinet has voted
to reinstall the President.
589
00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:47,103
Meanwhile, psychologists
unanimously agree
590
00:23:47,128 --> 00:23:49,558
that Trump is a ticking time
bomb of unchecked emotion.
591
00:23:49,583 --> 00:23:50,649
But is he?
592
00:23:50,674 --> 00:23:53,075
Or did his bishop just
checkmate the media's queen?
593
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:54,942
I'm Chuck Todd, I
pretend to enjoy football
594
00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:58,203
because I'm scared of my dad,
and this is Meet the Press.
595
00:23:58,228 --> 00:24:01,011
The Arctic shelf is such a drama queen.
596
00:24:01,036 --> 00:24:03,648
I mean, if you're gonna
melt, just melt already.
597
00:24:03,673 --> 00:24:04,720
I know that's right.
598
00:24:04,745 --> 00:24:05,907
That's my president.
599
00:24:05,932 --> 00:24:07,189
Shelf bad.
600
00:24:07,214 --> 00:24:08,911
I say we torch the whole thing.
601
00:24:08,936 --> 00:24:10,857
Mr. President, can we take five?
602
00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:13,515
I wouldn't mind popping into
the bathroom real quick.
603
00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:15,561
Sure. In the meantime,
maybe I'll turn off
604
00:24:15,586 --> 00:24:18,487
all the power grids and see
which city screams the loudest.
605
00:24:18,512 --> 00:24:20,600
On second thought, we can hold it.
606
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:24,227
Luckily for me, I can use
my big hat as a toilet!
607
00:24:24,252 --> 00:24:25,585
Why are we still watching this?
608
00:24:25,610 --> 00:24:29,176
Uh, Michelle, I told you,
it's going to pay off.
609
00:25:27,489 --> 00:25:28,889
Trump!
610
00:25:28,913 --> 00:25:33,913
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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