All language subtitles for Louie.Anderson.Big.Baby.Boomer.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264_English

[upbeat music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Louie Anderson.

[cheers and applause]

- Hi, everybody.

Thank you so much.

What a beautiful day,
wasn't it?

Wow.

I almost went for a walk.

I just got back
from Canada,

you know?

First of all, I had to fly
in the tiniest plane,

so tiny they had
to weigh us.

Yeah, funny for you.

The guy says, "We're going
to have to weigh you."

"Well, could I take
my shoes off first?"

I had to lay in the aisle,
so we could land.

Canada is something,
isn't it?

You know it's only
a matter of time

before they start measuring
our butts.

You realize that,
don't you, huh?

I suppose it'll be like
that thing you stick the bag in

to see if it'll fit
in the overhead.

"Sir, can you put
your butt in there?

We don't think
you're a coach seat."

You don't?

You hear your brother
behind you,

"He's a stagecoach seat."

Then you do this
to your brother.

You ever do this--
tiny talk?

[mouths words]

Only other family members
and cats and dogs

can understand it.

You'll see women
in the supermarket

with their kids
sometimes--

[mouths words]

Dogs and cats.

You can't bring them
into Canada

unless they have
a hockey uniform on.

You have a dog or cat?

Dog?
Aren't dogs great?

The dog's always happy
to see you.

You're always happy to see--
no matter what.

If you come back five times
in five minutes,

the dog is still happy
to see you each time.

Huh?

"Oh, my God,
you came back!

"Oh, where'd you go?

"Don't ever leave me again!

Now let me lick you."

Cats don't care
if you're home.

"Hey, Fluffy!"

[mouths words]

Cats love
when you're fat.

They're always over there
when you're fat.

They're doing
the elliptical,

working out on your stomach,
you know?

"Don't you move.

I'll scratch
the hell out of you."

Have you been to Canada?

Have you?
'Cause it's an experience.

First of all, you fill out
the immigration thing.

"Are you carrying
$10,000 or more?"

"Are you crazy?

"I'm coming
from the States.

We don't have $10,000."

"Are you bringing
any weapons?"

"Yeah, I got a Howitzer
in my hollow leg."

[imitates gunshot]

Does anybody say,
"Yeah, I'm bringing weapons in,

and I'm flush with cash"?

How about the walk
from the plane to customs?

Have you ever done that?

What is that for, to weed out
the sick and infirmed?

Then I get up there,
and you know,

even though I don't have
any drugs on me,

I'm still nervous
with the customs people.

I don't have
any drugs.

A doughnut maybe,
but no drugs.

And then he says to me,

"Are you planning on visiting
a farm while you're here?"

"Well, should I?"

I get there at 12:30
at night, you know?

I was starving.

And there's nothing open
in Canada at 12:30.

I said to the guy
who was driving me--he goes,

"There's really nothing open."

I go, "Take me
to the gas station.

I like that food."

Women won't eat it,
but men will.

[feminine voice]
"I'm not eating that."

[masculine voice]
"What's wrong with that?

"It's tuna.

"It's packaged.

"I'll get that
and the apple

they played
hacky sack with."

Don't you think they throw
the fruit around

when no one's there?

Whoever's working--
"Hey, Bill."

[mouths words]

And I come out of the store,

and a homeless guy
comes up to me.

He goes,
"I haven't eaten in five days."

"Well,
you're not getting this."

I didn't say it,
but I thought it, you know?

You know, haven't eaten
in five days?

What's that like?

I went three hours once,
but that was just a bad waiter.

I gave him money, so he
could get his tuna sandwich,

and the guy
driving me goes,

"You know he's going
to buy dope with that."

"Well, I didn't think
he was going to start an IRA."

of course he's going
to buy crack with that.

Why not?

If you're homeless,
you buy crack.

If you're on crack,
you don't think you're homeless.

"How you doing?"

"I'm president!"

[mouths words]

Everybody has their own crack.
Food's mine.

I see those
99¢ McDoubles.

I think, "How can I afford
not to get one?"

For $3, I could
be sick as a dog.

People talk a--
talk about food like it's drugs.

Do you ever hear people
talk like,

[whispers]
"Oh, my God.

"Come on.
Come here.

"We went down
to this place.

"You gotta go down an alley,
and you knock.

"They let you in.

There's food in there."

"Well, where is it?"

[whispers]
"I can't tell you."

Food is actually something
that haunts me, you know?

That's why I eat it.

And...

[chuckles]

I open my drapes in the morning,
and right across the street,

McDonald's, Pizza Hut,
Cold Stone, Krispy Kreme.

That's my Mount Rushmore.

That's right.

Those are also my passwords.

McDonald's, Pizza Hut,
Cold Stone, Krispy Kr--

And they're building
a urgent care center

right next to it.

Not a minute too soon.

McDonald's.

They started
the whole thing.

They started feeding us
when we were kids.

They said
it's like dope.

When you drive by McDonald's
with your parents,

"Dad!

"McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad!

There's a liquor store
by it, Dad."

McDonald's.

Those aren't arches.

Those are butt cheeks.

You turn those around.

"Oh, I know her."

I try to order healthy
'cause I have thin friends.

They're always happy
for you

when you're fat
and you order healthy.

Your thin friends--
I don't know why,

they're just happy.

"I'll get the chicken wrap."

"Oh, Louie.

"You're going to get a wrap?

So proud of you."

"Now don't get
too excited.

I'm going to have them
deep-fry it."

One time I was in there,
I go, "What's a Mac Wrap?"

"We took a Big Mac
and put it in a wrap."

[deep voice]
"You're all going to hell."

"You want one?"

"Yeah."

McDonald's.
they're good.

Pizza Hut.
Eh, they're all right.

I had
that Chicago Pizza.

You ever been to Chicago
and had the deep-dish pizza?

Jesus.

There's still a piece of that
in my colon somewhere.

If you get to a certain age,
you can't digest that anymore.

It's like a tennis shoe
in a dryer.

Clunk, clunk, clunk.

Sometimes I'll just be walking
and go, "Oof, Chicago."

[cheers and applause]

I love Cold Stone.
Do you have that?

That's good,
isn't it?

So many choices though.

"Would you like a cup
or a cone?"

"Crush a cone up,
and put it in the cup."

"What size do you want?"

"Grand Canyon."

"You want Butterfinger
in there?"

"Yeah, and don't forget
his sister, Baby Ruth."

"You want us to crush
a brownie in here?"

"Do it!"

"That'll be $85."

"I'll take it!

Could I get
a shoulder strap?"

"How did you hurt your arm?"

"Ice cream."

I try to order healthy.
do you ever try that?

There's always, like,
one or two things on there.

There's always salmon
on there.

"Could I get the salmon
on a plank?

Could I get the blindfold
with that?"

Usually end up ordering
the same thing.

"Could I get
the grilled chicken,

some steamed broccoli,
please?"

"You wanted something
on that broccoli?"

"Steam."

"You want some cheddar
on there?"

[meekly]
"Yeah.

Could you steam it
though?"

"Could I get
a Caesar salad?"

"You want chicken
or shrimp?"

"Brownie."

[laughs]

"Louie, what is that
you're eating?"

"Caesar salad."

"Is that a brownie on there,
Louie?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how is it?"

"Well, the brownie's good.

I don't think I'd order
the salad again."

I know
I should eat the fish,

but I just--
I always want to say,

"Do you have anything
less fishy?

You got any pork
that swims?"

[chuckles]

The only time
I want to eat salmon

is during
those nature shows

where the bear
is in the stream and--

[imitates gobbling]

Whenever I see that,
I think,

"I should give salmon
another try."

I'm on a food plan now...

You know, where they give you
the whole week.

I'm up
to next Wednesday.

You can't give a person my size
the whole week's worth.

Think about it.

That's like
a drug addict.

"Here's your drugs
for the week."

"Thank you.

I love you."

People always want me
to smoke pot for some reason

after the show,

and I always tell them
the same thing,

"Listen, I don't need
another reason to be hungry."

I do not.

My friends smoke pot,
I get the munchies.

I can't even have food
in the house.

I don't have any food
in the house.

'Cause if I have food in
the house and I'm laying in bed,

I go, "I bet that Cap'n Crunch
is lonely in the cupboard."

I do have food
in the house.

I have six rice cakes

that I've been trying
to get rid of for five years.

I have six
of the original rice cakes.

You never--you bite
into that and go, "Ah...

what is that,
a styrofoam cup?"

I really want
to be healthy.

Honestly, I do.

I start out--

Like, I'll get up
in the morning,

and I'll have oatmeal.

I'll have a banana.

And then around 9:00...

[chuckles]

I go,
"Did I eat anything?"

So dry here,
isn't it?

It's a good ChapStick place.

Couple hours in this weather,
you're ChapStick-ing everything.

"What are you doing?"
"My cheeks are chapped."

"Well, you're gonna need
a bigger stick."

"Could I get
the Butt ChapStick, please?"

Don't you hate this?
You're walking down the street.

Your friend goes,
"Can I borrow your ChapStick?"

"Can I wear
your underwear?"

It's a nonborrowing item.

You always give it up.

"Keep it."

I have to be healthier now

'cause my doctor's
yelling at me about--

They're the ones who are--
This is how he talks to me.

[angry parental tone]
"Louie."

Got a microphone
and everything.

A show business doctor.

"Louie,
I'm worried about you."

"Well,
don't charge me then."

No, I had a heart episode.
Do you know what that is?

That's what they call it when
you have really good insurance.

That even--
doesn't even sound bad.

"He had a heart episode.
No big deal."

I woke up
in the middle of the night,

and I go,
"Ooh...I didn't eat tacos."

I drove myself to the hospital,
you know,

so I could have
that last cigarette.

Well,
if you're going to go...

It's a good thing
KFC wasn't open.

"Yeah, they found him
in the car.

He kicked the bucket
holding a bucket."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Well, there was something
written on the window in gravy.

It was either 'sorry'
or 'coleslaw'."

I didn't know this.

If you're a fat person
and you go to the hospital

and you say "chest pains,"
you're in.

"Fat guy, chest pains,
come on down."

"What about the guy
with no head?"

"We got a bucket of ice
coming out for him."

[chuckles]

The nurse takes me in a room,
and she goes, "Here, sir.

Put this on."

"On what?"

She puts the, uh,
EKG thing on me,

tears it off,
you know?

I go,
"What does it say?"

"We don't read them."

The doctor comes in.

You're always happy and relieved
the doctor comes in.

Foreign doctor,
always thrilled

'cause I know
they studied.

He goes, "Mr. Anderson,
you didn't have a heart attack."

"Oh, so good, could you slide
those cigarettes down here?"

He goes, "But we think
you've got some blockage."

"Oh, you know about that?

It's deep-dish."

He said, "We'd like to do
an angioplasty on you."

"Oh, no, my breasts
are big enough."

I mean, when I heard
"angioplasty,"

I'll be honest with you,

I went, "Didn't I have that
at Olive Garden once?

Huh?"

"Could I get the Endless
Angioplasty, please?"

[giggles]

I go,
"What's an angioplasty?"

He goes,
"Well, we take a wire--"

"A wire?"

I flash back to my dad
working on the car.

"Get me a wire, damn it.
I'll fix this damn thing.

We'll get
these brakes working."

"Yeah, we take a wire.

We go in
through your groin."

"Hmm.
Who's 'we'?"

It's not
that Congressman Weiner, is it?

[laughs]

That's a horrible name
to grow up with, isn't that?

Huh?

You're punched every day
at school with that name.

"Weiner, get over here!"

So I agreed to do it
'cause, you know,

they dope you up
in the hospital.

You agree to stuff,
you know?

Isn't it true?

"You ready to go?"

"I'm ready to go!

I'm president!"

So I get down
to the angioplasty place.

The same people who make
the robes make the tables.

* One cheek
over the line *

* Sweet Jesus

But what an amazing time,
you know?

I lay back
on that thing,

and it's amazing.

I look up,

and here is my heart
on a monitor.

And I knew
it was my heart too

'cause that thing
was wrapped in bacon.

The doctor comes in.

He goes,
"You see your heart?"

[pained] "Yeah.

It's a Hormel."

He goes, "Do you know
which arteries are blocked?"

"You don't know?

Listen,
if you're not sure--"

So he heads towards my groin,
and--[clears throat]

You hardly ever say that,
do you?

"So he heads
towards my groin--"

Sounds like the beginning
of a 48 Hours.

"He heads
towards my groin."

He was feeding the wire
in my artery.

That or a puppet show
was going on.

"You shut up."
"No, you shut up."

And the wire, you know,
it's got to go up the I-90

and then over the 15.

You get excited
when the wire shows up.

"You're in!"

And he's going
to put that wire--

Now they do it, I think,
even more amazingly,

but the wire goes in--
bam.

The artery
is opened up.

He tried it,
like, 30 times.

I finally said
to him, "Doc,

what's going on?"

He goes, "I'm going
to get a colleague."

"I don't care
if you get a shepherd.

I hear labs
are nice dogs."

So he gets me
the head of angioplasty.

He's coming in.

Why didn't I have him
to begin with?

He fixed
my heart right up,

and right now,
my heart's 100%.

I'm really lucky.
I'm really--

Like, that's
the amazing part,

that they could take
a guy like me

and make my heart 100%.

You know, it's a--
[applause]

Well, that's very nice of you.
thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, I just had a stress test.
you know what that is?

Where you have your whole family
over, and then, uh--

[laughs]

[chuckles]

No, I love my family,

but it is true with families,
isn't it?

They're stressful.

I'm trying to be
a healthier person, you know?

I'm working out now.

I go to Anytime Fitness
sometimes.

[chuckles]

How many people work out
all the time?

[chuckles]

I just love America.

Huh?

I like those people who,
every day, get home from work,

"I'm going to run down
and do some cardio."

Get down there.

You know,
I get home from work,

"I'm going to lay down.

"I'm going to eat something
first though.

I don't want to get woke up
by hunger pains again.

Every time I go to the gym,
there's that one person running.

I just want
to say to them,

"You can stop running.

"They won't catch you.

There's food in my car."

Yeah, I always end up
on the bike, you know,

with the plank seat.

I have to cover
those things up.

There's too much information
on how far you've gone,

how long you've been on,
clicking along.

"You're in Europe,
riding on a hill."

"I am not."

And you always think
you've been on a long time,

and you haven't.

"I'm just going to see.

"It's got to be 20 minutes,
right?

"Nine minutes.

"What is that, Central?

"Well, how many calories?
Three calories?

"That means I'm going to have
to spit this piece of candy out.

Well, how far did I go?"

"You are still here."

The first week I worked out,
I gained 4 pounds.

It was very discouraging.

I yelled
at the trainer.

I go,
"I gained 4 pounds."

"Don't worry about it, Louie.
This is normal.

We're building your core."

"You're building my core?"

"Well, when do we
work on the outer crust?

"This core is plenty strong,
hauling this ass around

for [mumbles] years."

"How old are you?"

[mumbles]

I remember when
my parents turned 50.

We used to stare at them.

"Won't be long now.

I get the rambler."

How old are you, sir?

- 27.

- 27.
Get out.

27.
27.

When I was 27, I could pee
from my bed into the toilet.

[clears throat]

There was a nice arc
on it.

There was a rainbow
going through it.

That's where that expression
comes from--

"Pot at the end
of the rainbow."

Now I just think I peed.

"Did I pee?

"I don't know.

I better try again."

I think we should just
either be under 50 or over 50.

I don't even think we need
that whole 58, 57, 56.

[cheers and applause]

This is all the people
that are that age

are going, "Yeah!

Let's get some torches!"

I turned 50
eight years ago.

That's what I say
to people.

"How old are you, Louie?"

"I turned 50 eight years ago."

"What did he say?

What is he, 42?
What is he?"

I didn't know the signs
back then, you know?

My dad used to--
we knew he was getting older,

'cause when he'd sit down,
he started to go, "Oh, Lord!"

And he'd get up,
"Oh, Jesus!"

He was a very religious man,
obviously.

[chuckles]

"Oh, Lord."

Yeah, I remember that.

You have a meat tooth yet?

That's when you know
you're getting older.

You're just standing there--
[sucking on tooth]

"What's wrong?"

[sucks tooth]
"Meat tooth."

[continues sucking tooth]

You'd be talking
to the president.

It wouldn't matter.

"Louie, nice to meet you."

[sucking tooth]
"Yeah...

"It's great meeting you,
Mr. Obama.

"Oh, Jesus.

You don't have a business card
on you, do you?"

I take business cards.

They fit
right in there.

You get that out,
you're relieved.

Ohh!

And you have a snack.

What was
your f[...] name again?

Nick.

That's what happens too.

You can't remember
anything.

Nick, I want you to come over
to the house after the show,

open jars for me.

You can't open anything
after you're 50.

You got to wait till people
stop by the house.

"Oh, my God,
I'm glad you're here.

"Listen...

"before we eat,
could you open this stuff

"here on the table for me?

"Start with the scissors.

"They're in some sort
of sick plastic.

"I have cut the hell
out of my hand

trying to open them."

Who are they keeping
the scissors from?

They should put my food
in that plastic.

"You are losing weight."

"I can't get it open!

"I'm starving!

Please, help me!"

People don't warn you
about 50.

I'm trying to warn you
of a few things.

Time moves faster.

Soon as you hit 50,
people start coming up to you--

"Louie,
what did you do today?"

"It's over?

I had some soup."

[imitates sobbing]

You're dying for soup
after you're 50.

"Louie, you hungry?"

"Is there any soup?

Could you open it for me?"

Here's what happens
when you get older.

You open the microwave and go,
"When did I have pot pies?

They're still warm."

Kids born today

are gonna live to 1000,
they say.

Isn't that
an amazing thing?

No one ever
applauds that, ever.

'Cause you're always thinking,
"When will I retire, 700?"

They say the reason is

is that technology
will catch up.

I just love ketchup.

I can't go out, I'm telling you.
I don't go out.

That's another thing
you don't do after you're 50.

"You want to go out?"

"It's 9:30.

I got slippers on."

"We're thinking about heading
over to the club at 10:00."

"Is it a sleepover?"

Isn't that funny,
when you're young,

you do drugs
that can kill you.

You get older,
you just want drugs

that'll keep you alive.

That's full circle, baby.

I don't plop anymore.

I used to plop onto the bed

'cause, I don't know,

I bought a really good bed.

I'd plop right down.

And then one day,
I plopped right in,

slammed into the wall,

and went right down
between the bed and the wall.

I was there
for three damn days.

Luckily, I found an old muffin
I had dropped down there.

I read where somebody
was 100--

somebody's grandma was 100.

She was going to bungee jump.

Couldn't she come apart?

"There she goes.
Oh, my--there she goes.

There she goes.
There--grandma!"

I'm thinking
about going down to the DMV

and have them taking
my license away.

I'm a terrible driver now.

I was the best driver.

I was the driver who would go,
"Look at this guy.

"Look at that guy.
Look at that woman.

Look at this--
all terrible."

Now I get--

I used to drive
with one finger.

Remember those days
with those big automatic s--?

"Where we going?"

"We're going wherever we want.

"That's where we're going.

"Hold on,
get my knee driving."

You know,
to get the sandwich.

Now I get in the car,
I'm not even sure it's mine.

"I bought
a blue car?"

I grab the wheel
like I'm on a ship.

"Gilligan!"

People honk at me.

That's when I knew

it was starting to go bad.

Beep!
"What the--

"What was sound?

"What did I do?

"Oh, Jeez, I'm going seven.

"Sorry!

Seven seemed fast."

and I'm always apologizing
when there's no one.

"Sorry!

I'll go ten next time."

They've already gone by,
given me the finger.

And as soon as you hit 50,
you start hitting curbs.

Bam!

"Did I hit someone?"

"You hit the curb."

"When did they
put that in?"

"When they built
the street."

"I didn't see it."

I don't back up either.

I don't back up.

I power
right through that curb.

And I lie
to people.

"What happened
to your wheel?"

"That damn valet guy."

"All four of them?"

"He's persistent."

Sometimes I'll be out driving,
and I'll think to myself,

"Huh...
where am I off to?"

I gotta do
the fake call home.

"Hey.

You want anything
when I'm over there?"

"At the dentist?"

"Oh, thank you.

"I'ma get you some floss.

The minty kind."

You slow the car down
when you're older.

"What is that,
a new Walgreens?"

Who ever thought drugstores
were going to be so interesting?

"Look at this thing.

"It keeps your toes apart.

I knew they would
eventually web."

I'm dumb too.

There's a dumb part of me

when I get in that drugstore

asking the pharmacist
questions.

"So, uh...

"what's the, uh--

"on the Prilosec,
what's the--

what's the 'OTC' stand for?"

The pharmacist
looks at me, goes,

"Over...

"The...

Counter."

[laughs]

"I'm going to be
under the counter right now."

I can't see anymore.

Thinking about getting
a miner's helmet.

"I dropped it
down here somewhere."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for gold,
God damn it.

What do you think
I'm doing?"

I mean,
I can see all of you.

I just can't read anything

smaller than these,
uh, Egypt signs in red here.

you never have the glasses
when you need them.

"Where are you, Louie?"
"I'm at the hotel."

"What's your number there
on the phone?"

"Won of a bitch.

"Just hold on now.

"Oh, here it is.

"Seven...

"Jeez, it looks like
they put a 'W' in it.

Are they putting letters
in the phone numbers again?"

You think technology's
going to help you,

like the cell phone,
the caller I.D.

"'Adolf Hitler'?

"How did that maniac
get ahold of my number?

"Oh, that's going
to voicemail.

He's a talker."

People text me now.
I text them back.

Halfway through my text back,
they text me again,

"Are you okay?"

I call them,

"Hey!

"I need more time!

"Where's the space bar
on this damn phone?

And 'thanks' is not spelled
with an 'X.'"

And I don't mind
getting old, you know?

I know how it's going
to go for me.

That's a good thing
from being from a big family,

11 kids.

I'm 10th of 11th,
2nd to youngest.

I go home, I see--
it's all played out for me.

It's like
that Darwin chart.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, New York.

[upbeat music]

*

[cheers and applause]