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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:59,840 oh [ __ ] 2 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,840 so 3 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,840 it's 35 16 go ahead control 4 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:41,530 copy that 76 monument road i'm code 2 35 5 00:01:34,640 --> 00:02:52,889 16 out 6 00:01:41,530 --> 00:02:52,889 [Music] 7 00:03:17,599 --> 00:03:24,560 excuse me ma'am what oh 8 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,920 sorry what can i do for you we got a 9 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,519 report of what 10 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:30,159 sounded like gunshots coming from this 11 00:03:27,519 --> 00:03:34,000 residence really 12 00:03:30,159 --> 00:03:36,080 yes is there a problem 13 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,120 no other than the fact that i have an 14 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:40,000 idiot son 15 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,000 everything's fine 16 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,400 look this is gonna sound stupid but here 17 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,760 it is i was upstairs and i heard what i 18 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,080 thought were gunshots coming from down 19 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,080 here 20 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,000 i come running down and i see my idiot 21 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,879 son and his idiot friends pounding on 22 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:54,560 some bullets with a hammer 23 00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:56,080 you're kidding me now do you ever hear 24 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,159 of anything so dumb no 25 00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,480 that's a first lucky they didn't kill 26 00:03:58,159 --> 00:04:01,599 themselves you're telling me i wanted to 27 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,239 strangle every one of the little 28 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:04,959 bastards 29 00:04:02,239 --> 00:04:06,400 is your son here now no when i saw what 30 00:04:04,959 --> 00:04:08,640 they were doing i went into a screaming 31 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,920 fit and told them to get out of my house 32 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,599 they all took off on their bikes 33 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:14,879 somewhere they're probably at the 34 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:17,759 woodley place down the road 35 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:19,280 your guns in the house i take it i have 36 00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:21,040 a gun 37 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,720 but i keep it locked up so i can avoid 38 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,639 situations like this 39 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,840 i didn't lock up the ammunition because 40 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:27,360 i didn't think i had to 41 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,639 i figured you know how dangerous can a 42 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,600 bullet be if they don't have a gun to 43 00:04:28,639 --> 00:04:32,639 put it in 44 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:34,800 so it's [ __ ] me it's not to 45 00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:36,400 idiot-proof the ammunition 46 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,080 which completely defeats the purpose for 47 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:41,120 having a gun for home defense 48 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:42,320 if someone broke in i'd be raped stabbed 49 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:46,000 and bludgeoned before i can 50 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,000 get my key on those trigger box 51 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,960 well all right that's all it is i'll be 52 00:04:49,199 --> 00:04:52,800 on my way and i know i keep calling my 53 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:55,520 son an idiot but 54 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:56,400 i'm just exaggerating he's a smart kid 55 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,680 just does really 56 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:01,759 stupid [ __ ] sometimes 57 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,520 and i guess i could take him to a shrink 58 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:04,720 and they could give him some fancy name 59 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,840 for it like 60 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:09,919 autism or asperger's or adhd 61 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:12,639 i guess i could pump him full of ritalin 62 00:05:09,919 --> 00:05:14,240 turn him into some brain dead zombie 63 00:05:12,639 --> 00:05:15,919 you know when all is said and done i'd 64 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,919 rather have a kid that 65 00:05:15,919 --> 00:05:18,960 is a pain in the ass but has some 66 00:05:17,919 --> 00:05:22,479 personality 67 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:24,639 instead of some mindless robot 68 00:05:22,479 --> 00:05:25,919 besides who might even do something like 69 00:05:24,639 --> 00:05:26,639 that just to make my life a little 70 00:05:25,919 --> 00:05:28,880 easier 71 00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:32,320 that's the mark of a weakling can't 72 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:34,960 handle the [ __ ] life deals out 73 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:36,800 i understand you know i have two of my 74 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,720 own the thing is his father died last 75 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:41,039 year of cancer and 76 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,880 i know that's affected him not to 77 00:05:41,039 --> 00:05:45,120 mention when it's done to me 78 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:47,600 my head is like a pinball machine 24 79 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,440 hours a day 80 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,199 my brother tried to set me up on a date 81 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:54,080 last week 82 00:05:51,199 --> 00:05:54,720 i even know how to date anymore half the 83 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,479 time i 84 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,000 think i never want to see a penis again 85 00:05:56,479 --> 00:06:00,800 and the other half i'm so horny i can 86 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,800 hump the doorknob 87 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,240 guess i went a little far on that one 88 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:11,600 huh 89 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:14,960 a little bit don't worry about it 90 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,960 i just wish things were easier 91 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,280 i don't know maybe i'm part of the 92 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,720 problem 93 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:23,120 maybe i'm making things harder than they 94 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:25,919 have to be 95 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,440 maybe i should stop punishing myself for 96 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:30,560 past mistakes by denying me what would 97 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,560 make me happy right now 98 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:37,199 maybe that's just the thing exist for 99 00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:37,199 the right now 100 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,919 what do you think about that 101 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:50,720 not to break the mood but do you have 102 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:54,319 any condoms 103 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:57,039 no but i've had a vasectomy that worked 104 00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:57,680 definitely any disease things we need to 105 00:06:57,039 --> 00:07:03,199 work around 106 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:17,840 no no no clean 107 00:07:03,199 --> 00:07:17,840 that's out of the way 108 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:23,199 oh [ __ ] have i missed that 109 00:07:25,759 --> 00:07:30,960 oh you feel good smell 110 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:45,840 no i need room to do my thing 111 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:59,840 oh wow 112 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:27,840 well hey if you don't slaughter i'm 113 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:27,840 gonna finish before i get started 114 00:08:43,599 --> 00:08:55,839 come on 115 00:09:03,519 --> 00:09:05,839 four 116 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,720 what i just want to take a mental 117 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:13,600 snapshot 118 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,600 you're [ __ ] beautiful 119 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,320 floor 120 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:37,839 you went top or bottom top 121 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:37,839 okay yeah i'm good 122 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:33,839 kiss me 123 00:10:44,839 --> 00:10:47,839 oh 124 00:10:55,680 --> 00:11:00,240 if you lay on your back i can finish you 125 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:15,839 off with my hand does that work 126 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:15,839 okay yeah 127 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:29,839 no just keep doing what you're doing 128 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:44,160 easy slower oh 129 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,480 okay now just stop it just leave your 130 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,480 hand there 131 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,279 oh my god 132 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,950 [Music] 133 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:11,839 everything's back in focus 134 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:25,839 by the way shelby 135 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:30,560 bruce that's a good group you got to 136 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:34,320 thanks 137 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:35,600 he's one of those uh squeezy thingies 138 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:38,720 i don't know what the technical name for 139 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:43,440 it is actually i think squeezy thingy 140 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:43,440 is a technical name for her wise ass 141 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,440 apologies about the quick finish by the 142 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,720 way 143 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,120 there's not been that turned on in a 144 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,959 while ah well 145 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:56,480 at least you were gentlemanly enough not 146 00:12:52,959 --> 00:12:56,480 to just roll over and go to sleep 147 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:01,760 i'll make it up to you round two oh 148 00:12:59,519 --> 00:13:03,760 round two mr big talker 149 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:07,120 you think you got round two in you if 150 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,320 you give me some recharge time i do 151 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,560 do you have to worry about your sub 152 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:12,240 coming home oh 153 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,160 no he knows to stay away for a bit after 154 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:17,040 one of my rampages 155 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,839 we've got a couple of hours at least do 156 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,800 we need to worry about you calling into 157 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,720 work 158 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,639 actually yeah we do need to worry about 159 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:28,160 that 160 00:13:24,639 --> 00:13:30,880 i guess i could call in sick on my radio 161 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,440 i mean that is if you even want me to 162 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,920 stay 163 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,519 i won't take it personal if you don't i 164 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:39,279 mean 165 00:13:35,519 --> 00:13:41,040 do you want to stay i mean 166 00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:43,600 it's your place i don't want to wear out 167 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,600 my welcome 168 00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:50,959 all right uh no more wishy-washy stuff 169 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,880 from now on total honesty zone yeah i 170 00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:56,399 want you to stay yeah i want to stay too 171 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,399 okay good that's settled 172 00:13:56,639 --> 00:14:02,160 all right now i just need to get up what 173 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:06,160 you want to do right now 174 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:09,519 no no i'm not i think you done drained 175 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,519 all the strength from my legs 176 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:14,560 all right let me get up this time for 177 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:19,760 real 178 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:31,839 here we go i'll be right back 179 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:31,839 i'll be waiting 180 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:14,240 hi judith shelby hi uh does josh happen 181 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,240 to be over there 182 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:18,399 okay uh good um look i've got kind of a 183 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,680 big favor to ask i had a little bit of a 184 00:15:18,399 --> 00:15:23,120 meltdown with them earlier 185 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:24,959 i could really use the night to myself 186 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:27,760 uh would it be okay if you stayed over 187 00:15:24,959 --> 00:15:28,800 with you tonight 188 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,120 yeah i'll call you in the morning before 189 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:35,040 i come pick him up 190 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:41,839 okay thanks i really appreciate it 191 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:41,839 okay bye 192 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:52,800 all right officially sick 193 00:15:51,279 --> 00:15:54,720 and i just called my friend and she's 194 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,160 gonna let my son stay over so 195 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,560 my night's free and you can stay as long 196 00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:02,079 as you want okay 197 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:02,079 sounds great good 198 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:07,519 so we've dealt with my kids situation 199 00:16:04,959 --> 00:16:11,040 and your work situation 200 00:16:07,519 --> 00:16:11,040 just leaves one more situation left 201 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:37,680 you want to talk about it nope 202 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:40,880 okay allow me to fix the problem 203 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:44,000 all fixed just like that huh 204 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:45,199 just like that as long as you're on 205 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,480 these premises 206 00:16:45,199 --> 00:16:51,839 you belong to me so 207 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,839 what do you want to do now 208 00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:55,360 uh i got a trail that goes out to abbott 209 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:58,639 pond 210 00:16:55,360 --> 00:17:02,079 want to go for a hike all right 211 00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:04,720 all right all right 212 00:17:02,079 --> 00:17:05,310 come on where's the enthusiasm nature 213 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,839 hike 214 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:11,039 [Music] 215 00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:11,919 get dressed you're a little weird only a 216 00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:14,799 little 217 00:17:11,919 --> 00:17:17,919 i must be slipping normally i reside 218 00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:19,520 somewhere between a high 7.8 low 8.3 on 219 00:17:17,919 --> 00:17:21,439 the weirdness scale 220 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,799 occasional bump up to an 8.4 when i'm in 221 00:17:21,439 --> 00:17:24,240 a really rowdy mood 222 00:17:22,799 --> 00:17:26,319 you're a little weird you talk a lot 223 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:29,840 yeah well you barely talk at all so 224 00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:33,840 it evens us out you say so 225 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,840 i do 226 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:41,039 what nothing it's just 227 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:43,440 after seeing naked seems like a shame to 228 00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:48,720 cover up that body with clothes 229 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:48,720 shut up is that a blush i see on miss 230 00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:57,229 [Music] 231 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:05,109 shelby 232 00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:05,109 [Music] 233 00:18:07,870 --> 00:18:13,140 [Music] 234 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:27,289 [Music] 235 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,840 that was the first lull in our 236 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,840 conversation 237 00:18:45,679 --> 00:18:49,280 i don't feel too bad most people have 238 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,840 the small talk before 239 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,280 the mind willing sex so you do it in 240 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,840 reverse it's bound to be a little bit 241 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,840 awkward 242 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,840 i guess 243 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:11,840 when in doubt make body contact 244 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,840 words to live by 245 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,900 [Music] 246 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:27,440 this is nice i know right 247 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:39,840 come on i want to show you something 248 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,970 [Music] 249 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,559 so we had a beaver problem a while back 250 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:54,000 they were total pain in the ass but 251 00:19:50,559 --> 00:19:57,280 look how precise their work was 252 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:59,919 oh come down look all right 253 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:02,960 look every tooth mark is like a perfect 254 00:19:59,919 --> 00:20:02,960 little hatchet strike 255 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,400 think about how much time and patience 256 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,120 it would take to bring down a whole tree 257 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,120 bite by bite 258 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:21,840 come on i want to show you something 259 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,840 else 260 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,520 okay so this is something i do with my 261 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,919 phone 262 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,919 close your eyes 263 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,200 all right and don't answer right away 264 00:20:55,919 --> 00:20:58,720 take a couple moments and clear your 265 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,840 mind 266 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,559 and then tell me how many different 267 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:04,880 sounds you can hear 268 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:04,880 okay 269 00:21:06,559 --> 00:21:13,919 all right here we go um 270 00:21:10,159 --> 00:21:17,120 the wind blowing through the leaves 271 00:21:13,919 --> 00:21:23,039 a bird 272 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:23,039 um the water lapping against the shore 273 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,840 different bird 274 00:21:26,559 --> 00:21:31,840 some kids playing at a house across the 275 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,840 pond 276 00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:39,039 airplane in the distance 277 00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:46,559 that's about it that's good 278 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,720 that's six right off the top of your 279 00:21:46,559 --> 00:21:48,720 head 280 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,120 it's good to clear your mind just focus 281 00:21:53,039 --> 00:21:56,559 every once in a while 282 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:59,840 it was the world's just one big loud 283 00:21:56,559 --> 00:21:59,840 jumble of noise 284 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:16,159 close your eyes again 285 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:17,760 so have you always wanted to be a cop 286 00:22:16,159 --> 00:22:19,280 hell no 287 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:22,080 no until a few years ago i was a 288 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:24,799 musician really what instrument 289 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,000 i played guitar in a classic country 290 00:22:24,799 --> 00:22:30,880 cover band called whiskey 291 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,880 river what made you quit 292 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,159 it wasn't any one big tragic event it's 293 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,320 just 294 00:22:36,159 --> 00:22:39,600 too many years of good but not good 295 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,159 enough 296 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,440 you know looking back i don't know if it 297 00:22:42,159 --> 00:22:46,799 was 298 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:49,760 like a talent a lack of luck 299 00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:51,440 i always heard you made your own luck 300 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:54,480 you know who says that 301 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,400 lucky people trust me 302 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,320 from what i've seen in my own life and 303 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,559 my current job bad luck 304 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,159 is a living breathing animal if it gets 305 00:23:00,559 --> 00:23:06,080 its hooks in you 306 00:23:02,159 --> 00:23:09,840 can hold on for years if it chooses to 307 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,840 i guess 308 00:23:09,919 --> 00:23:13,120 so classic country is that like garth 309 00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:16,720 brooks 310 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:19,120 oh what [ __ ] garth brooks 311 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:21,440 while we're at it [ __ ] tim mcgraw and 312 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:24,799 [ __ ] faith hill too 313 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:28,880 i'm talking willy whalen johnny 314 00:23:24,799 --> 00:23:33,919 don williams tom t hall 315 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:36,720 not this pop music with a country twang 316 00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:38,000 [ __ ] that they make today now country 317 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,559 music 318 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:42,640 used to be about the working class and 319 00:23:40,559 --> 00:23:45,840 what the working class really was 320 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:47,760 you know alcoholism adultery 321 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,200 distracting yourself from small town 322 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,159 boredom with 323 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,600 destructive habits and now it's just 324 00:23:52,159 --> 00:23:54,400 about what the working class wants to 325 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,440 see themselves 326 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,039 as you know i love my wife and i want to 327 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,799 sit on my porch with her and 328 00:23:59,039 --> 00:24:03,440 support the troops and read the bible 329 00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:09,679 and watch old glory wave in the breeze 330 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:09,679 [ __ ] that but taylor swift is good right 331 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:19,840 you're lucky you're cute i really kind 332 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:19,840 of am 333 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:31,120 so what do you do shelby well g bruce 334 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:34,559 thanks for asking 335 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:36,000 sorry my small talk skills are kind of 336 00:24:34,559 --> 00:24:38,480 rusty so 337 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,960 what do you do shelby well cheap bruce 338 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:43,600 thanks for asking 339 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,799 uh i work at pendleton plastics how do 340 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:47,360 you like that 341 00:24:44,799 --> 00:24:49,279 well i don't hate it which at this stage 342 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:51,279 in the game is kind of an accomplishment 343 00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:53,919 but there's a sort of poetry in any job 344 00:24:51,279 --> 00:24:53,919 if you look for it 345 00:24:54,880 --> 00:25:00,640 is poetry and a factor y'all sure 346 00:24:58,799 --> 00:25:03,200 like the mom who works four overtime 347 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:05,600 shifts to buy her kid an xbox 348 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:07,440 or the fat old guy who plays nothing but 349 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,159 love songs on his radio like what's his 350 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,799 deal 351 00:25:08,159 --> 00:25:12,840 is he pining for a long lost love or is 352 00:25:10,799 --> 00:25:15,440 he waiting for a love that may never 353 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:18,320 come 354 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:19,840 i don't know my old man did that blue 355 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,919 collar work for years and he never got 356 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:25,120 any poetry out of it just 357 00:25:21,919 --> 00:25:26,799 a bad back and bad knees and a bad 358 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,520 disposition 359 00:25:26,799 --> 00:25:30,960 well it's a matter of perspective i'll 360 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,320 tell you many times in life 361 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,360 perspective has saved me from the 362 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,360 consequences oh 363 00:25:35,679 --> 00:25:42,000 what what happened what's the matter 364 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,919 a bug flew in my mouth you should 365 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,159 swallow it that's extra protein 366 00:25:43,919 --> 00:25:47,520 i could feel its wings on my tongue see 367 00:25:46,159 --> 00:25:48,799 that's what you get that's the country 368 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,400 god's punishing you for your shitty 369 00:25:48,799 --> 00:25:57,840 taste in music 370 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:57,840 here no look a bug breath 371 00:26:01,279 --> 00:26:11,840 looks delicious 372 00:26:37,279 --> 00:26:41,279 so what is the first thing we do when we 373 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:44,799 get back from a nature height 374 00:26:41,279 --> 00:26:47,760 celebrate our daring pioneer spirit no 375 00:26:44,799 --> 00:26:48,960 take a check so they usually jump on 376 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:53,840 your pant leg and work their way up 377 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:53,840 so start there 378 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,440 okay check my neck they can hide 379 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,799 anywhere once i found one of the little 380 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,679 [ __ ] in my ear 381 00:27:02,799 --> 00:27:07,520 nasty yeah tell me about it i thought i 382 00:27:05,679 --> 00:27:09,520 had a scab 383 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,799 and so i went to go and pick it and it 384 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,159 was one of those little [ __ ] i had to 385 00:27:10,799 --> 00:27:13,919 take like an hour long shower just to 386 00:27:12,159 --> 00:27:15,120 get the skeeve off but not before i 387 00:27:13,919 --> 00:27:15,440 smashed a little [ __ ] with a phone 388 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,000 book 389 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,360 stop using the word little what you're 390 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,000 saying the word little too much you're 391 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:22,080 using one 392 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,200 certain adjective oh yeah well here's 393 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:27,039 another one for you 394 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,039 stupid that's you funny 395 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:32,480 oh wait there's a tick where there oh 396 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,240 giant when it's crawling right on your 397 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,559 butt oh there's another one no there's 398 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,159 not another one 399 00:27:36,559 --> 00:27:41,520 what the hell is that it's my karate 400 00:27:38,159 --> 00:27:45,200 chop pose that's what that is 401 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:48,240 it's really intimidating you know it 402 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,360 you want something to drink man it's a 403 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,960 beat 404 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:55,520 i want to play truth or dare oh fun 405 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,039 i dare you to strip down naked and go 406 00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:59,840 out on your deck 407 00:27:57,039 --> 00:28:01,200 that's not the way it works you have to 408 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,120 follow proper protocol 409 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,640 you say truth or dare i choose then you 410 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,600 give me a challenge that corresponds to 411 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:09,840 said decision oh 412 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:11,760 god all right uh truth or dare dare 413 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,679 i dare you to strip down naked and go 414 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,159 out on your deck see that wasn't so hard 415 00:28:13,679 --> 00:28:16,600 was it 416 00:28:14,159 --> 00:28:19,640 harder than it had to be 417 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,640 [Music] 418 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:05,039 impressed definitely okay 419 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:06,559 your turn what no i can't take part in 420 00:29:05,039 --> 00:29:08,000 public nudity i'm a duly appointed 421 00:29:06,559 --> 00:29:09,200 officer of the law 422 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,279 it sounds to me like you're a duly 423 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,720 appointed officer of chicken [ __ ] oh 424 00:29:11,279 --> 00:29:14,720 is this how we're doing it now yeah 425 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,240 that's how it is 426 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:27,840 all right i guess i can't sit here and 427 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:27,840 let my character be slandered 428 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:55,840 hmm 429 00:29:41,039 --> 00:29:55,840 what's up 430 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:16,480 how does it feel very free 431 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,480 back to nature 432 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:23,200 is this your first time with outdoor 433 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:26,640 nudity yep 434 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:29,919 ever yep 435 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:36,480 you need to savor the moment 436 00:30:29,919 --> 00:30:40,799 hold on 437 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,799 here help me lay this out 438 00:30:49,120 --> 00:31:05,840 sit where 439 00:30:52,559 --> 00:31:05,840 you're back to my chest ah gotcha 440 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:19,840 good very good 441 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:35,840 goosebumps 442 00:31:32,559 --> 00:31:35,840 what gets you going like that 443 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:43,600 weird well now i have to know 444 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,960 all right have you ever kissed someone 445 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,000 and then they start to laugh right in 446 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,360 the middle of it 447 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:50,720 like when your lips are still pressed 448 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:53,039 together yeah i guess 449 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:54,240 for some reason when that happens it 450 00:31:53,039 --> 00:31:56,559 sends this 451 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:58,159 vibration from my mouth right to my 452 00:31:56,559 --> 00:31:59,600 crotch 453 00:31:58,159 --> 00:32:01,840 all right well this i've got to see for 454 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,840 myself 455 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:14,320 okay i'm going to kiss you and when i do 456 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:17,200 i want you to tickle my hair 457 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:20,240 oh my god you're getting hard i told you 458 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:20,240 oh you're so odd 459 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,840 quiet 460 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,840 um 461 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,840 hmm 462 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:25,840 that was a poet i'd write a sonnet to 463 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:25,840 the majesty of this ass 464 00:33:36,159 --> 00:33:53,840 that's more like it 465 00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:53,840 might be like this 466 00:34:18,839 --> 00:34:21,839 ugh 467 00:34:46,839 --> 00:34:49,839 oh 468 00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,079 oh god 469 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,839 all right you're back 470 00:35:15,359 --> 00:35:31,920 oh there's that good grip 471 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:45,839 let me know when you're close i want you 472 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:45,839 to come in my mouth 473 00:35:56,839 --> 00:35:59,839 um 474 00:36:10,839 --> 00:36:27,839 um uh 475 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:41,839 well i don't know about you but i need 476 00:36:39,359 --> 00:36:41,839 to hydrate 477 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,839 that behind you 478 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:51,440 don't stay out too long i don't want 479 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,440 your junk to get sunburned 480 00:36:52,839 --> 00:37:11,839 [ __ ] thought about that 481 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:14,320 having fun under your statement of the 482 00:37:11,839 --> 00:37:14,320 century 483 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:23,359 you ready for an odd compliment 484 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:27,599 hit me you have the sexiest 485 00:37:23,359 --> 00:37:29,119 [ __ ] face i've ever seen really 486 00:37:27,599 --> 00:37:31,440 i try not to think about it while i'm 487 00:37:29,119 --> 00:37:33,599 [ __ ] i'm worried about 488 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:35,119 looking goofy and get self-conscious oh 489 00:37:33,599 --> 00:37:36,640 the lack of self-consciousness is what 490 00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:38,560 makes it so hot 491 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:39,839 that's why most porn does nothing for me 492 00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:41,680 most porn stars are 493 00:37:39,839 --> 00:37:42,880 so intent on looking flawlessly 494 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,320 beautiful that 495 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,079 they won't let their faces contort in 496 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,800 any way that isn't stereotypically 497 00:37:46,079 --> 00:37:49,920 gorgeous 498 00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:51,280 and an orgasm face is not that so what 499 00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,760 you like the 500 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:56,240 grit teeth scrunched facial muscles look 501 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,240 i love it 502 00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:00,000 are you still in the total honesty zone 503 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,359 absolutely 504 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:04,000 i'd like to stick around a little longer 505 00:38:01,359 --> 00:38:07,280 if that's cool with you 506 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,280 it's a hundred percent cool 507 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:13,760 okay i'm gonna need to call my wife 508 00:38:11,119 --> 00:38:15,839 don't use the w word i don't want 509 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:20,720 reality intruding on my fantasy time 510 00:38:15,839 --> 00:38:23,920 okay i'll need to call my person 511 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:25,520 better word choice if i say i work at 512 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:27,680 overtime you should buy me the full 513 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:30,560 night 514 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:33,839 i'll take you as long as i can get you 515 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,839 i'll get to it then 516 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:38,800 order us some food i don't want to chase 517 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:40,160 you away with my subpar cooking 518 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:47,839 sex skills are more important than 519 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:47,839 cooking skills my sexual ego thanks 520 00:38:55,760 --> 00:39:00,480 what nothing squinty mcsquinto don't 521 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:02,320 lock my handicap 522 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:04,079 they do have these things called glasses 523 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:06,960 i have them they make me look dorky 524 00:39:04,079 --> 00:39:15,839 no this makes you look dorky don't call 525 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:15,839 your person 526 00:41:58,319 --> 00:42:03,839 all right ready set go 527 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:21,440 not a good loser in case you hadn't 528 00:42:19,839 --> 00:42:24,720 noticed yeah i just did 529 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:27,040 yeah but uh you don't get to uh 530 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:28,839 quit the race before the finish line 531 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,880 that bad boy up 532 00:42:28,839 --> 00:42:33,920 okay 533 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:36,560 come on cannonball it cannonball 534 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,560 cannonball 535 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:42,240 oh whoa do you need it 536 00:42:42,319 --> 00:42:45,760 i'm just trying to swallow the phone get 537 00:42:43,599 --> 00:42:49,520 back up the pipe all right 538 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:53,520 you good better 539 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:53,520 let's do it again god no 540 00:42:53,839 --> 00:43:00,079 next challenge the festivus feats of 541 00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:02,400 strength 542 00:43:00,079 --> 00:43:03,680 armor no no way in hell that's happening 543 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:05,920 oh come on why not 544 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:07,920 because i got no upside if i win i beat 545 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:10,079 a chick big deal but if i lose 546 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,359 i lose to a chick and then my fragile 547 00:43:10,079 --> 00:43:17,119 male ego shattered 548 00:43:11,359 --> 00:43:19,440 no upside oh do i smell chicken [ __ ] 549 00:43:17,119 --> 00:43:20,720 oh i definitely smell a chicken chicken 550 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:23,520 calling me chicken [ __ ] it's gonna work 551 00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:23,520 twice in one day 552 00:43:24,839 --> 00:43:31,680 no 553 00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:31,680 all right let's go let's go 554 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:41,839 we're ready i can't wait set 555 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:41,839 go oh look who's going down 556 00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:48,430 [Laughter] 557 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:53,200 the cia got you pushing too many pencils 558 00:43:53,599 --> 00:43:57,200 down she goes boom 559 00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:04,400 [ __ ] i'm strong for a girl though 560 00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:06,839 yeah you are but that's like saying 561 00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:09,520 you're smart for an amphibian 562 00:44:06,839 --> 00:44:11,520 so two fingers pick one 563 00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:13,920 i can't have both no you're not worthy 564 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,920 of both 565 00:44:14,079 --> 00:44:20,800 i need a manicure i have you one 566 00:44:17,599 --> 00:44:22,160 no no why not i know again 567 00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:24,319 no come on i've given boyfriends 568 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,440 manicures before one of them even let me 569 00:44:24,319 --> 00:44:27,200 paint his face with makeup yeah where 570 00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:28,800 are those guys now 571 00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,800 damn defiant that's how you wear their 572 00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:37,839 second dick in a bus stop men's room 573 00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:37,839 oh that is entirely possible 574 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:44,720 so next we have 575 00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:46,160 the grand cosmic questions of the 576 00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:50,160 universe 577 00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:52,000 okay okay how it works is 578 00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,280 i ask you a question then you ask me a 579 00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:56,640 question then me you 580 00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:57,599 you me creating a volley not like a 581 00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:00,160 verbal tennis match 582 00:44:57,599 --> 00:45:00,800 okay okay so these questions can be 583 00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,400 either 584 00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:06,800 deep and profound or light and casual 585 00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:08,079 an example of the latter what is your 586 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:11,040 favorite beatles song 587 00:45:08,079 --> 00:45:11,599 oh [ __ ] the beatles i mean [ __ ] the 588 00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:13,280 beatles 589 00:45:11,599 --> 00:45:14,319 i mean [ __ ] the beatles i'm not saying 590 00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,839 they suck i'm just saying they're 591 00:45:14,319 --> 00:45:18,240 overrated 592 00:45:15,839 --> 00:45:19,599 okay any band that you like was 593 00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:20,640 influenced by the beatles not talking 594 00:45:19,599 --> 00:45:21,920 about influence i'm talking about the 595 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,680 actual music 596 00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,440 you can break their career in two halves 597 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:27,440 all right the first half day 598 00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:29,119 they spent writing candy-ass love songs 599 00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:30,880 for teenage girls to scream to 600 00:45:29,119 --> 00:45:32,319 which basically makes them the 1950s 601 00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,200 equivalent to justin bieber for the 602 00:45:32,319 --> 00:45:35,839 backstreet boys 603 00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:37,920 jesus second half they spent stoned out 604 00:45:35,839 --> 00:45:38,880 of their minds doing hippy dippy drug 605 00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:40,160 music 606 00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:42,720 that is the era where they did their 607 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:44,960 most profound work oh bullsh yeah right 608 00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:46,560 songs about kaleidoscope skies and girls 609 00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:48,560 with marmalade eyes 610 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,760 other way around whichever just real 611 00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:51,760 [ __ ] profound okay 612 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:53,359 plus then they added all that indian 613 00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:55,839 string [ __ ] and sitar in 614 00:45:53,359 --> 00:45:56,400 rock and roll is about guitar plain and 615 00:45:55,839 --> 00:45:59,359 simple 616 00:45:56,400 --> 00:46:01,359 no wrong no wrong or wrong right right 617 00:45:59,359 --> 00:46:02,640 right right 618 00:46:01,359 --> 00:46:04,640 which brings me to my question now that 619 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,079 we're talking about the guitar when are 620 00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,640 we going to get a van halen reunion with 621 00:46:06,079 --> 00:46:10,240 the four 622 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:12,000 original members right after two decades 623 00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:14,000 we finally get roth back and then they 624 00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:16,640 fire michael anthony so eddie can jim's 625 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:18,319 idiot son into the lineup 626 00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,760 you know what i'm really holding out for 627 00:46:18,319 --> 00:46:21,119 i'm really holding out for the reunion 628 00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,000 with their third singer who was that 629 00:46:21,119 --> 00:46:24,400 dopey guy 630 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:26,800 no what the extreme guy do not 631 00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:29,280 disrespect the greatness of gary sharon 632 00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:31,359 oh yeah name one good song from the game 633 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,960 jeremy if i wasn't afraid of boring you 634 00:46:31,359 --> 00:46:34,720 i could sit here and rattle off every 635 00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,680 song titled the van halen three much to 636 00:46:34,720 --> 00:46:38,960 my eternal sugar 637 00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:42,000 oh eternal chagrin good word choice 638 00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:44,960 that's close enough about right 639 00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:46,880 so we um going back to the beatles you 640 00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:50,160 know what i feel really sorry for 641 00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:51,599 john lennon all right 642 00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:52,880 way to go out on the limb there feeling 643 00:46:51,599 --> 00:46:53,520 sorry for the guy that got gunned down 644 00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,760 in the street 645 00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:57,839 no no no no i mean like in terms of like 646 00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:59,200 historical significance 647 00:46:57,839 --> 00:47:02,400 because like when you look back at their 648 00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:04,240 stuff like his stuff was the stuff 649 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,760 that like and like his stuff versus 650 00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:07,520 mccartney stuff his stuff is the stuff 651 00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:08,400 that really dated you're saying one word 652 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:12,160 again 653 00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:15,760 over and over his stuff is the stuff 654 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:17,520 that really dated the most like 655 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,960 when you look at mccartney stuff it's 656 00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,359 about stuff that's always going to be 657 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:22,960 there 658 00:47:19,359 --> 00:47:25,680 like love and regret 50 years from now 659 00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:27,280 some trucker's gonna put yesterday on 660 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:30,240 his ipod 27 661 00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:32,800 and just cry like a baby but when you 662 00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:35,200 listen to lennon's you know imagine 663 00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:36,000 you kind of want to go oh that's sweet 664 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,440 world please 665 00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,960 run along and play the adults are 666 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:40,319 talking that is exactly what i was 667 00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:42,400 trying to say five minutes ago 668 00:47:40,319 --> 00:47:43,599 no you said they sucked no i didn't i 669 00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:45,440 said they were overrated 670 00:47:43,599 --> 00:47:47,359 okay well the overrated is different 671 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:47,920 than dated data doesn't have the same 672 00:47:47,359 --> 00:47:51,359 negative 673 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:55,760 connotations whose turn is it 674 00:47:51,359 --> 00:47:58,319 it's your turn go quick um 675 00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,520 when you were a kid okay when you were a 676 00:47:58,319 --> 00:48:02,079 kid did you ever have the nickname 677 00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:05,599 spruce goose bruce 678 00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:06,240 yes really no ask a dumb question get a 679 00:48:05,599 --> 00:48:08,079 sarcastic 680 00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:10,720 answer my turn okay well what about 681 00:48:08,079 --> 00:48:13,520 loose caboose what about my turn 682 00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:14,720 all right why do midgets hate being 683 00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:17,760 called midgets 684 00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:19,359 huh like they prefer little person 685 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:20,400 that's so condescending oh a little 686 00:48:19,359 --> 00:48:22,160 person 687 00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:23,760 that's terrible and dwarf that makes you 688 00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:26,800 sound like a cartoon 689 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,680 but [ __ ] is a strong word isn't it two 690 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:31,040 syllables 691 00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:33,520 short strong 692 00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:34,640 it's like it sounds like hatchet [ __ ] 693 00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:38,480 hatchet 694 00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:40,240 small but lethal right 695 00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:42,559 tell me i'm wrong it's a stronger 696 00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:45,200 sounding word 697 00:48:42,559 --> 00:48:47,040 okay my safe answer to that is just call 698 00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:49,040 them little people and don't ever ask 699 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:51,839 that in mixed and judgmental companies 700 00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:53,520 whatever it's a good word you should 701 00:48:51,839 --> 00:48:58,480 enjoy it 702 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:58,480 okay own it next topic 703 00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:05,440 men in urinals oh 704 00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:06,800 two of my favorite toppings two-part 705 00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:10,319 question 706 00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:12,240 first is it true that you have to keep a 707 00:49:10,319 --> 00:49:14,839 one buffer 708 00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:16,880 urinal between you and the guy next to 709 00:49:14,839 --> 00:49:20,000 you and 710 00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:22,319 part two if that's true are you really 711 00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:25,680 worried about him looking at your junk 712 00:49:22,319 --> 00:49:27,200 no okay there's an unspoken rule 713 00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,280 that if there's a wall full of empty 714 00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:30,000 urinals you don't go sidling up to the 715 00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:33,040 one other guy 716 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:34,880 there that's [ __ ] weird but if you're 717 00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:36,400 at a concert or something like a crowded 718 00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:37,920 event like a football game 719 00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:40,160 like all that [ __ ] goes out the window 720 00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,880 you have guys crossing streams in the 721 00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:44,400 same stall 722 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:45,680 pissing in the sink what it's not like 723 00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:47,599 it's just another drain it's like your 724 00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:48,720 fingers touch the drain when you're 725 00:49:47,599 --> 00:49:50,000 washing your hands yeah what about 726 00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:51,359 droplet splash that's got to get all 727 00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:53,839 over the faucet and the knobs 728 00:49:51,359 --> 00:49:55,040 well you're in a sterile anyway and they 729 00:49:53,839 --> 00:49:57,200 say you could drink it if you were 730 00:49:55,040 --> 00:50:00,240 stranded on a desert island 731 00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:03,520 who says that they 732 00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:06,319 scientists and [ __ ] oh they they 733 00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,319 yes they 734 00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:12,480 okay all this talk of urine has my 735 00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:16,400 bladder in the red alert zone 736 00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:18,960 i shall return for the warning 737 00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:22,079 always the wise ass never the wiser my 738 00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:22,079 mother used to say that 739 00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:30,720 that is that it 740 00:50:28,240 --> 00:50:32,240 i sounded like there was gonna be more 741 00:50:30,720 --> 00:50:41,839 to that sentence 742 00:50:32,240 --> 00:50:41,839 i guess not 743 00:51:06,839 --> 00:51:12,559 so 744 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:15,119 it's shelby mr bruce did you turn the 745 00:51:12,559 --> 00:51:16,640 water on so i wouldn't hear you pee 746 00:51:15,119 --> 00:51:18,319 shut up i was trying to be demure and 747 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:20,160 ladylike 748 00:51:18,319 --> 00:51:22,240 well i will pay you the same favor only 749 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,960 you can switch gentlemanly and refine 750 00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:37,839 for demure 751 00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:37,839 and ladylike done and done 752 00:52:01,359 --> 00:52:05,920 can i hold your gun that's not a toy 753 00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:07,599 no i know i told you i have one of my 754 00:52:05,920 --> 00:52:08,960 own i did all the basic safety courses 755 00:52:07,599 --> 00:52:12,960 what kind of gun do you have 756 00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:15,280 38 revolver yeah 757 00:52:12,960 --> 00:52:17,599 you ever shove an automatic nope what's 758 00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:19,839 the difference it's more of a kick to it 759 00:52:17,599 --> 00:52:22,000 plus the cocking slide makes for pretty 760 00:52:19,839 --> 00:52:26,480 badass punctuation to cool one-liners 761 00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:30,839 yeah example all right 762 00:52:26,480 --> 00:52:32,880 you ain't seen bad yet son but it's 763 00:52:30,839 --> 00:52:36,240 coming 764 00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:47,470 cool can i try 765 00:52:36,240 --> 00:52:49,440 yeah let me get set up great 766 00:52:47,470 --> 00:52:54,880 [Applause] 767 00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:54,880 all set cowgirl okay um 768 00:52:55,359 --> 00:53:01,839 hey scumbag here comes a special 769 00:52:58,839 --> 00:53:01,839 delivery 770 00:53:02,319 --> 00:53:09,280 um hey scumbag here comes a lead 771 00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:12,880 sandwich special delivery there it is 772 00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,880 how was that that was a good start 773 00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:16,000 i do it again yeah let's build on that 774 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:19,599 no no just 775 00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:21,440 tell me um okay so right there 776 00:53:19,599 --> 00:53:23,760 that button is the clip release do that 777 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,119 first carefully i know 778 00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,559 and there's still a live round in the 779 00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:27,200 chamber so you want to slide that back 780 00:53:26,559 --> 00:53:28,220 and let it pop 781 00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:30,720 out 782 00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:33,280 [Music] 783 00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:35,520 and then i just slide the clip back in 784 00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,520 yep 785 00:53:36,559 --> 00:53:42,720 okay what you doing 786 00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:44,400 got another piece of equipment i want 787 00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:49,280 you to try oh yeah yeah 788 00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:51,520 oh no you gotta sit first 789 00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:51,520 okay 790 00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:20,880 do i need to be worried about this do 791 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,880 you think you need to be worried 792 00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:25,839 good because you know 793 00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:36,559 i told you how beautiful you were in the 794 00:54:32,559 --> 00:54:36,559 last five minutes you're slipping 795 00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:39,839 you're beautiful 796 00:54:42,079 --> 00:54:44,720 you're beautiful 797 00:54:50,839 --> 00:54:53,839 beautiful 798 00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:21,839 i want my arms around you let's do that 799 00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:21,839 stay where they are 800 00:55:32,839 --> 00:55:35,839 so 801 00:55:46,839 --> 00:55:49,839 oh 802 00:56:00,839 --> 00:56:03,839 ugh 803 00:56:56,839 --> 00:56:59,839 um 804 00:57:12,079 --> 00:57:14,319 oh 805 00:57:20,079 --> 00:57:27,839 too hard 806 00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:52,839 oh no just just keep going seriously 807 00:57:51,359 --> 00:57:55,839 yeah 808 00:57:52,839 --> 00:57:55,839 seriously 809 00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:03,359 no wait wait wait hold on a second why 810 00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:05,920 there's a problem and i want to see if i 811 00:58:03,359 --> 00:58:07,359 can fix it easily 812 00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:10,480 if it's a fuse or something i can fix it 813 00:58:07,359 --> 00:58:13,520 really quick you're such a guy 814 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:16,000 wow what an insult i want to be able to 815 00:58:13,520 --> 00:58:16,000 look at you 816 00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:24,000 oh wow it's not just us little street's 817 00:58:23,359 --> 00:58:26,160 out 818 00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,359 oh there's a flashlight by the microwave 819 00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:29,200 on the counter 820 00:58:27,359 --> 00:58:31,680 i get it myself but i'm a little tied up 821 00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:37,839 at the moment 822 00:58:31,680 --> 00:58:37,839 master jokes are you okay yeah 823 00:58:43,119 --> 00:58:47,440 it's okay i needed new retinas anyway 824 00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:49,359 ugh 825 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:52,400 uh get uh uncuffed me i'll take out some 826 00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,400 candles okay 827 00:58:59,359 --> 00:59:05,839 what uh nothing 828 00:59:02,559 --> 00:59:06,720 i just seem to find the keys tell me 829 00:59:05,839 --> 00:59:11,200 you're kidding 830 00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:14,720 i wish i was um i just hope 831 00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:16,000 no you just hope what 832 00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:19,839 i just hope i didn't lose him in the 833 00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:19,839 woods when we were hiking 834 00:59:20,799 --> 00:59:26,559 okay starting to stress here don't worry 835 00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:28,799 they almost have to be in this room 836 00:59:26,559 --> 00:59:30,799 somewhere you know this is where i got 837 00:59:28,799 --> 00:59:33,839 dressed and undressed the most they 838 00:59:30,799 --> 00:59:33,839 probably just fill out let me go 839 00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:39,280 hey uh growing up did you ever have the 840 00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:42,079 nickname uh 841 00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:42,720 orange juice bruce no did you ever have 842 00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:47,599 the nickname 843 00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:49,359 shelby yeah what come on 844 00:59:47,599 --> 00:59:50,960 i got nothing yeah that's one of the 845 00:59:49,359 --> 00:59:52,400 benefits of being named shelby nothing 846 00:59:50,960 --> 00:59:54,160 rhymes with it 847 00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:56,160 though of course in high school there 848 00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:58,079 was a girl named alison dembrowski and 849 00:59:56,160 --> 01:00:00,720 she came up with shelby shelby can go to 850 00:59:58,079 --> 01:00:02,720 [ __ ] helby that's creative 851 01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:04,480 no it's not creative it's mean i mean i 852 01:00:02,720 --> 01:00:06,079 got off easier than a lot of girls 853 01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:07,760 there was this one fat girl named 854 01:00:06,079 --> 01:00:09,440 michelle clark and 855 01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:11,280 then allison nailed her with the 856 01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:12,480 nickname moby clark so everywhere she 857 01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:16,880 went she would yell 858 01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:17,760 heart kirk crowded cafeterias sidewalks 859 01:00:16,880 --> 01:00:19,280 everywhere 860 01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:21,839 and then there was this girl named ellen 861 01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:23,920 zabriskie she had terrible personal 862 01:00:21,839 --> 01:00:27,119 hygiene so she had greasy hair and 863 01:00:23,920 --> 01:00:30,240 bad acne and alison nailed her with 864 01:00:27,119 --> 01:00:31,839 zit zabriskie so you just had to feel 865 01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,440 terrible for both of them both her and 866 01:00:31,839 --> 01:00:34,640 moby clark 867 01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:36,079 i wonder what happened to allison i 868 01:00:34,640 --> 01:00:37,680 wonder if she like mellowed out as she 869 01:00:36,079 --> 01:00:39,200 got older if she has turned into a giant 870 01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:42,559 mega [ __ ] are you chief 871 01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:44,319 yeah you're babbling yeah i know 872 01:00:42,559 --> 01:00:45,520 i'm just trying to hold off the anxiety 873 01:00:44,319 --> 01:00:46,799 attack that i see right there on the 874 01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:50,160 horizon 875 01:00:46,799 --> 01:00:51,119 are you really gonna freak out no no why 876 01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:54,319 would i freak out 877 01:00:51,119 --> 01:00:56,960 i am just handcuffed to a chair 90 878 01:00:54,319 --> 01:00:58,880 naked with a man i just met and the man 879 01:00:56,960 --> 01:01:01,200 carries a high caliber firearm 880 01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:02,720 why would i be freaking out how you 881 01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:04,880 doing with those keys there 882 01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:07,599 oh captain my captain i actually found 883 01:01:04,880 --> 01:01:07,599 him a while ago 884 01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:13,440 i want to insult you but i'm going to 885 01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:17,839 wait till i get loose good strategy 886 01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:17,839 hold still oh 887 01:01:20,079 --> 01:01:29,119 get this one yeah got a match yep 888 01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:30,480 my butt and your face so hilarious 889 01:01:29,119 --> 01:01:32,880 it's been so long since i've been able 890 01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:36,000 to use that one think about it how often 891 01:01:32,880 --> 01:01:40,079 do you get asked for a match these days 892 01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:40,079 just give me the match giggling doofus 893 01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:48,480 uh you just don't appreciate fine 894 01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:48,480 sophisticated humor yeah what if i heard 895 01:01:50,839 --> 01:01:57,119 something 896 01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:57,119 i'm at the bathroom real quick okay 897 01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:09,359 what have we done when was the last time 898 01:02:07,119 --> 01:02:12,559 you played checkers by candlelight 899 01:02:09,359 --> 01:02:15,680 oh around 2 000 never 900 01:02:12,559 --> 01:02:17,520 team good i'll get to kick someone 901 01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:21,039 else's butt for a change it's usually my 902 01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:25,680 son kicking mine 903 01:02:21,039 --> 01:02:28,799 okay okay i'll go first 904 01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:30,480 um speaking of my son you were a little 905 01:02:28,799 --> 01:02:34,400 boy once right 906 01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:35,680 a long time ago so let me ask you 907 01:02:34,400 --> 01:02:38,160 something that whole thing with the 908 01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:39,280 pounding bullets with the hammer earlier 909 01:02:38,160 --> 01:02:41,520 is that something i need to be worried 910 01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:43,280 about 911 01:02:41,520 --> 01:02:45,119 what is it like school shooter and 912 01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:48,400 training [ __ ] 913 01:02:45,119 --> 01:02:50,000 yeah something like that no that's just 914 01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:51,760 little boy [ __ ] 915 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:53,680 when i was a kid me and my friends put 916 01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:55,839 an m80 in a coffee can 917 01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:56,880 the idea being that it would shoot it 918 01:02:55,839 --> 01:03:00,400 straight up in the air 919 01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:01,359 50 feet like a rocket no instead it blew 920 01:03:00,400 --> 01:03:03,200 completely apart 921 01:03:01,359 --> 01:03:04,799 like a fragmentation grenade sent all 922 01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:05,839 these flying pieces of shrapnel 923 01:03:04,799 --> 01:03:08,799 everywhere 924 01:03:05,839 --> 01:03:09,920 lucky it didn't cut us in half okay i 925 01:03:08,799 --> 01:03:12,160 know you mean well but you're not 926 01:03:09,920 --> 01:03:14,839 exactly making me feel better here 927 01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:16,720 i'm just saying that little boys are 928 01:03:14,839 --> 01:03:19,200 stupid and god tends to have pity on 929 01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:19,200 stupid 930 01:03:20,799 --> 01:03:24,079 but as long as we're going back to 931 01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:28,640 things from earlier you said 932 01:03:24,079 --> 01:03:28,640 uh your brother set you up on a date 933 01:03:28,839 --> 01:03:34,240 yeah bad i take it 934 01:03:32,319 --> 01:03:36,400 it wasn't bad it wasn't like any big 935 01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:38,240 disaster or anything 936 01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:40,319 it was just 40 minutes of small talk it 937 01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:44,079 ended with a loose armed hug 938 01:03:40,319 --> 01:03:48,000 yeah i've had a couple of those 939 01:03:44,079 --> 01:03:50,559 there was this one thing though he 940 01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:52,000 he would do this thing where he would he 941 01:03:50,559 --> 01:03:54,000 would chew with his mouth closed but he 942 01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:55,920 wouldn't fully swallow every bite before 943 01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:57,760 he would shovel the next bite in 944 01:03:55,920 --> 01:03:59,760 so there was like always this like 945 01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:01,119 chewed piece of food 946 01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:03,920 in his mouth like there's only 947 01:04:01,119 --> 01:04:05,520 swallowing part of it 948 01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:07,280 it was a petty thing to focus on but it 949 01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:08,799 drove me nuts no no 950 01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:11,119 it's the little things that can really 951 01:04:08,799 --> 01:04:12,640 suck sometimes i once dated this girl 952 01:04:11,119 --> 01:04:14,160 and before we went out she just painted 953 01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:16,720 her nails but 954 01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:19,200 she left all this excess polish like all 955 01:04:16,720 --> 01:04:21,119 over her cuticles and her fingers 956 01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:22,720 it looked like my four-year-old does it 957 01:04:21,119 --> 01:04:24,880 and so the whole time i'm just glancing 958 01:04:22,720 --> 01:04:26,720 at her fingers thinking 959 01:04:24,880 --> 01:04:28,720 does she even know how bad that looks or 960 01:04:26,720 --> 01:04:31,760 does she know and just not care 961 01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:32,799 like what is that hmm where'd you meet 962 01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:35,280 that winner 963 01:04:32,799 --> 01:04:38,079 internet dating how else do people meet 964 01:04:35,280 --> 01:04:38,079 each other nowadays 965 01:04:39,039 --> 01:04:43,680 what i just have a hard time picturing 966 01:04:41,839 --> 01:04:48,880 you computer dating 967 01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:50,559 why i'm a modern 21st century man 968 01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:52,720 i'll tell you what though it totally 969 01:04:50,559 --> 01:04:54,559 destroyed that whole manor shower 970 01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:56,960 more shower than women cliche oh 971 01:04:54,559 --> 01:04:58,400 [ __ ] bull true 972 01:04:56,960 --> 01:05:00,000 men are show about looks and weight 973 01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:01,839 women are shallow about looks weight 974 01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:03,920 height and income 975 01:05:01,839 --> 01:05:06,319 so you date a woman taller than you yeah 976 01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:07,920 for sure she was hot enough for sure 977 01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:09,520 have you ever seen those amazon chicks 978 01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400 that uh play for the olympic volleyball 979 01:05:09,520 --> 01:05:12,400 team 980 01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:14,720 any one of them would [ __ ] you in half 981 01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:17,200 yeah i know but what a proud and noble 982 01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:17,200 way to go 983 01:05:19,599 --> 01:05:23,839 you you said you have a four-year-old 984 01:05:24,799 --> 01:05:32,319 yeah is that your only kid 985 01:05:28,319 --> 01:05:36,400 no i have a three-year-old too 986 01:05:32,319 --> 01:05:41,920 hence the vasectomy both girls 987 01:05:36,400 --> 01:05:41,920 one of each what are their names 988 01:05:44,799 --> 01:05:48,960 come on a couple of hours ago i had your 989 01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:52,160 balls in my mouth you don't get to play 990 01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:52,160 the too personal card 991 01:05:53,520 --> 01:06:04,000 it's not that it's too personal i just 992 01:05:57,520 --> 01:06:06,240 don't like talking about it with anyone 993 01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:09,359 for some reason i always have to i 994 01:06:06,240 --> 01:06:09,359 always feel like i have to 995 01:06:09,839 --> 01:06:13,599 say how great everything is going 996 01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:22,480 when i usually don't feel that way i 997 01:06:19,359 --> 01:06:26,319 i usually feel like a fraud 998 01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:26,319 who has no idea what he's doing 999 01:06:26,480 --> 01:06:33,839 we all feel that way sometimes yeah but 1000 01:06:29,680 --> 01:06:33,839 with me it's not sometimes 1001 01:06:35,039 --> 01:06:37,520 i don't know 1002 01:06:39,039 --> 01:06:42,079 it's hard to admit 1003 01:06:44,240 --> 01:06:47,839 she never worries 1004 01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:53,440 and i worry so much to the point that 1005 01:06:53,599 --> 01:06:57,280 i never get to enjoy the process 1006 01:06:58,240 --> 01:07:01,440 i honestly can't remember the last time 1007 01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:04,079 i felt happy 1008 01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:04,079 about it all 1009 01:07:06,079 --> 01:07:14,880 it's like the way i'm supposed to feel 1010 01:07:11,520 --> 01:07:18,480 and the way i actually feel 1011 01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,480 are two very separate things 1012 01:07:20,880 --> 01:07:26,559 she'll show me a cute picture or video 1013 01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:26,559 of the kids 1014 01:07:27,039 --> 01:07:32,799 and i know the reaction that she wants 1015 01:07:29,839 --> 01:07:32,799 and i give it to her 1016 01:07:33,280 --> 01:07:36,559 but i'm totally faking it 1017 01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:43,839 and i feel like [ __ ] because i'm faking 1018 01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:43,839 it 1019 01:07:45,760 --> 01:07:50,640 i guess i always feel like [ __ ] about 1020 01:07:47,359 --> 01:07:50,640 some aspect of it 1021 01:07:53,200 --> 01:07:56,720 it makes me sound like an [ __ ] 1022 01:07:54,400 --> 01:08:00,960 doesn't it 1023 01:07:56,720 --> 01:08:02,160 no no it makes you sound like someone 1024 01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:03,760 who 1025 01:08:02,160 --> 01:08:05,520 had a hole in their life who filled it 1026 01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:11,200 with what they thought they should 1027 01:08:05,520 --> 01:08:15,760 or with what someone expected them to 1028 01:08:11,200 --> 01:08:15,760 yeah that is kind of it i guess 1029 01:08:18,719 --> 01:08:25,839 i still think it makes me less of a man 1030 01:08:20,560 --> 01:08:25,839 in some way 1031 01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:31,040 we all like to think that we're these 1032 01:08:29,199 --> 01:08:34,719 perfect angels of virtue 1033 01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:36,839 but really we're just 1034 01:08:34,719 --> 01:08:39,839 flawed train wrecks barely keeping it 1035 01:08:36,839 --> 01:08:39,839 together 1036 01:08:40,640 --> 01:08:45,679 i know when my husband was dying 1037 01:08:46,159 --> 01:08:49,920 at the end when things were at their 1038 01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:49,920 worst 1039 01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:54,560 i wasn't there for him as much as i 1040 01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:54,560 should have been 1041 01:08:54,799 --> 01:08:58,080 there were some days that i just 1042 01:08:58,640 --> 01:09:01,359 couldn't handle it 1043 01:09:02,799 --> 01:09:06,640 i wonder what he must have thought on 1044 01:09:04,000 --> 01:09:10,239 those days when i just 1045 01:09:06,640 --> 01:09:12,319 didn't show up how much that must have 1046 01:09:10,239 --> 01:09:14,799 hurt even though he never 1047 01:09:12,319 --> 01:09:14,799 showed it 1048 01:09:18,159 --> 01:09:21,839 oh that's family 1049 01:09:22,480 --> 01:09:27,759 we [ __ ] up we forgive each other 1050 01:09:27,839 --> 01:09:38,480 we [ __ ] up again 1051 01:09:34,159 --> 01:09:40,640 yeah it's just not an easy truth to live 1052 01:09:38,480 --> 01:09:40,640 with 1053 01:09:43,279 --> 01:09:51,920 well of course i never met the guy but 1054 01:09:48,640 --> 01:09:51,920 with him getting to marry you 1055 01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:58,159 start a family with you and wake up 1056 01:09:55,280 --> 01:09:58,159 every morning to you 1057 01:09:59,040 --> 01:10:03,840 i bet he probably died a pretty happy 1058 01:10:00,719 --> 01:10:03,840 and satisfied man 1059 01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:08,159 well 1060 01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:31,840 lean over what 1061 01:10:16,719 --> 01:10:31,840 kiss break 1062 01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:34,880 get used to this 1063 01:10:41,520 --> 01:10:46,480 but then 1064 01:10:44,719 --> 01:10:48,719 can you remember we only have a few 1065 01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:51,199 hours until daylight and reality hits us 1066 01:10:48,719 --> 01:10:51,199 in the face 1067 01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:58,960 yeah back to perspective 1068 01:10:57,040 --> 01:11:01,360 a few hours can be a lifetime if we use 1069 01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:01,360 it right 1070 01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:13,840 for example 1071 01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:41,840 um 1072 01:11:52,840 --> 01:12:09,840 uh ugh 1073 01:12:34,840 --> 01:12:37,840 no 1074 01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:43,840 it's amazing 1075 01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:51,840 it's better than any truck 1076 01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:06,480 it's fine 1077 01:13:09,199 --> 01:13:33,840 thank you 1078 01:13:18,080 --> 01:13:33,840 just the feeling 1079 01:13:44,840 --> 01:14:01,840 crazy 1080 01:13:47,600 --> 01:14:01,840 tell me 1081 01:14:12,840 --> 01:14:15,840 ah 1082 01:14:20,900 --> 01:14:26,970 [Laughter] 1083 01:14:54,840 --> 01:14:57,840 ugh 1084 01:15:10,560 --> 01:15:25,840 let's see 1085 01:15:36,880 --> 01:15:39,840 c 1086 01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:53,840 you 1087 01:16:32,840 --> 01:16:35,840 okay 1088 01:17:00,840 --> 01:17:03,840 um 1089 01:17:14,840 --> 01:17:17,840 everything 1090 01:17:42,840 --> 01:17:45,840 so 1091 01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:59,840 are you awake 1092 01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:04,400 how soon do you have to leave 1093 01:18:04,560 --> 01:18:06,880 soon 1094 01:18:08,159 --> 01:18:13,840 now ish actually 1095 01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:27,840 i'll be right back 1096 01:18:46,310 --> 01:18:49,879 [Music] 1097 01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:57,040 so yeah 1098 01:18:55,679 --> 01:18:59,840 what do you see happening after you go 1099 01:18:57,040 --> 01:18:59,840 down that driveway 1100 01:19:02,000 --> 01:19:05,360 total honesty 1101 01:19:03,960 --> 01:19:07,760 [Music] 1102 01:19:05,360 --> 01:19:09,199 i see you picking up your son and i see 1103 01:19:07,760 --> 01:19:12,080 me going back to my family 1104 01:19:09,199 --> 01:19:12,960 and i see the both of us going back to 1105 01:19:12,080 --> 01:19:14,719 our normal 1106 01:19:12,960 --> 01:19:16,719 boring routines and our normal boring 1107 01:19:14,719 --> 01:19:20,480 problems and if at some point i should 1108 01:19:16,719 --> 01:19:22,560 run into you in town then smile at you 1109 01:19:20,480 --> 01:19:25,920 if i'm by myself and if i'm with my wife 1110 01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:27,760 then i'll avoid eye contact and 1111 01:19:25,920 --> 01:19:29,600 the both of us will hold on to our time 1112 01:19:27,760 --> 01:19:31,760 together as a 1113 01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:33,920 treasured secret that we used to get us 1114 01:19:31,760 --> 01:19:38,159 through the sad times 1115 01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:39,679 so you want to happen god no what 1116 01:19:38,159 --> 01:19:42,400 what i wanted to go on feeling the way i 1117 01:19:39,679 --> 01:19:43,840 felt for the last 24 hours 1118 01:19:42,400 --> 01:19:46,400 i'm not gonna be able to talk you into 1119 01:19:43,840 --> 01:19:46,400 this am i 1120 01:19:46,560 --> 01:19:53,360 no i don't know 1121 01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:53,360 not right now anyway 1122 01:19:55,360 --> 01:20:05,840 all right then 1123 01:20:10,400 --> 01:20:15,840 stay with me and that means exactly what 1124 01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:17,920 you think it does 1125 01:20:15,840 --> 01:20:19,280 that's a tempting offer but there's no 1126 01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:22,639 way i can do that 1127 01:20:19,280 --> 01:20:24,159 sure you can i'm not drunk and i'm not 1128 01:20:22,639 --> 01:20:25,760 crazy 1129 01:20:24,159 --> 01:20:28,320 yeah that's exactly what someone drunk 1130 01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:29,679 or crazy would say 1131 01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:33,840 let's take a leap of faith that we're 1132 01:20:29,679 --> 01:20:33,840 both good people 1133 01:20:46,500 --> 01:20:49,600 [Music] 1134 01:20:49,679 --> 01:20:53,360 i don't take advantage the only thing 1135 01:20:51,840 --> 01:21:00,190 you'd be taking advantage of is my 1136 01:20:53,360 --> 01:21:03,370 moment of clarity 1137 01:21:00,190 --> 01:21:03,370 [Music] 1138 01:21:28,360 --> 01:21:31,640 [Music] 1139 01:22:08,840 --> 01:22:11,840 um 1140 01:22:22,850 --> 01:22:26,049 [Music] 1141 01:22:41,679 --> 01:22:44,560 hey judith it's me 1142 01:22:44,719 --> 01:22:47,840 uh yeah um i just wanted to let you know 1143 01:22:46,719 --> 01:22:52,239 that i'm gonna be over to pick up josh 1144 01:22:47,840 --> 01:22:53,920 in about an hour 1145 01:22:52,239 --> 01:22:55,920 yeah um we can get everyone together 1146 01:22:53,920 --> 01:22:59,120 tonight sure 1147 01:22:55,920 --> 01:22:59,120 yeah pizza and a movie sound good 1148 01:22:59,679 --> 01:23:04,239 okay um yeah i'll give dawn a call too 1149 01:23:05,199 --> 01:23:07,840 okay 1150 01:23:09,520 --> 01:23:14,960 uh yeah thanks um 1151 01:23:13,120 --> 01:23:17,679 it was really good um the best night 1152 01:23:14,960 --> 01:23:17,679 i've had in a while 1153 01:23:18,080 --> 01:23:21,840 okay i'll see in a bit 1154 01:24:00,840 --> 01:24:03,840 okay 1155 01:24:14,840 --> 01:24:17,840 ugh 1156 01:24:18,460 --> 01:24:22,319 [Applause] 1157 01:24:24,580 --> 01:24:27,680 [Applause] 1158 01:24:39,590 --> 01:24:42,919 [Music] 1159 01:24:45,750 --> 01:24:51,010 [Music] 1160 01:24:51,199 --> 01:24:59,840 ah let's show you 1161 01:25:01,820 --> 01:25:07,350 [Music] 1162 01:25:10,840 --> 01:25:13,840 so 1163 01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:27,840 [Music] 1164 01:25:24,840 --> 01:25:27,840 so 1165 01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:32,080 you 72795

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