Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:09,571 --> 00:00:11,504
- ? Save ?
- _
3
00:00:11,529 --> 00:00:13,596
- ? The ?
- _
4
00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:16,221
- ? Right ?
- _
5
00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:18,778
It was the summer of 2019.
6
00:00:19,057 --> 00:00:21,157
We conservatives had been forced
7
00:00:21,182 --> 00:00:23,149
- to the margins of society.
- _
8
00:00:23,174 --> 00:00:26,240
Why is Facebook censoring
conservative bloggers
9
00:00:26,265 --> 00:00:27,832
- such as Diamond and Silk?
- _
10
00:00:27,857 --> 00:00:30,832
We barely controlled three
branches of government
11
00:00:30,857 --> 00:00:32,501
- and could only show our faces
- _
12
00:00:32,526 --> 00:00:35,126
- at exclusive luxury beach resorts.
- _
13
00:00:35,152 --> 00:00:37,014
Many by now have heard that I was asked
14
00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:38,407
to leave a restaurant this weekend
15
00:00:38,432 --> 00:00:40,399
where I attempted to have
dinner with my family.
16
00:00:40,715 --> 00:00:44,449
But one day, a humble,
powerless president
17
00:00:44,474 --> 00:00:47,641
stood up and said, "No more".
18
00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:52,832
Aah! Climate change is a hoax!
19
00:00:56,883 --> 00:01:00,484
This new legislation will
assure election integrity
20
00:01:00,509 --> 00:01:03,781
by mandating that all of
Atlanta share one ballot
21
00:01:03,806 --> 00:01:06,106
and you can only vote if you
just left Clint Eastwood's
22
00:01:06,131 --> 00:01:08,331
latest "white resentment" blockbuster.
23
00:01:08,356 --> 00:01:11,272
And before you accuse me
of limiting minority access
24
00:01:11,297 --> 00:01:13,417
to the polls, listen
to this cabinet member
25
00:01:13,442 --> 00:01:15,675
I selected for no particular reason.
26
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,700
I'm cool with it.
27
00:01:16,725 --> 00:01:19,871
Oh-kay, Ben, as long as
you're cool with it.
28
00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:23,696
And to my supporters, harass
anyone who opposes this bill!
29
00:01:23,721 --> 00:01:26,522
Not that anyone will,
because Ben said it's fine.
30
00:01:26,847 --> 00:01:29,087
I'm Rachel Maddow, and
it's not a manic episode
31
00:01:29,112 --> 00:01:30,814
if it's been going on for three years.
32
00:01:30,839 --> 00:01:33,048
Tonight, we're talking
about the President's
33
00:01:33,073 --> 00:01:35,880
new voting-rights bill with
Senator Elizabeth Warren.
34
00:01:35,905 --> 00:01:38,080
This law will disproportionately
35
00:01:38,105 --> 00:01:40,463
affect Democrats and
minorities like me...
36
00:01:40,488 --> 00:01:41,833
a-and when I said "me"
37
00:01:41,858 --> 00:01:44,226
I was referring to the Democrat part...
38
00:01:44,251 --> 00:01:45,316
Oh, shit!
39
00:01:45,341 --> 00:01:46,790
Dad, why are all these people
40
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,343
treating you like a loser
inner-city kindergarten teacher?
41
00:01:49,368 --> 00:01:51,447
Boys, you're old enough to know
42
00:01:51,472 --> 00:01:54,948
about the deep generational
wound America has yet to heal...
43
00:01:54,973 --> 00:01:57,248
bigotry against conservatives.
44
00:01:57,273 --> 00:02:01,108
I first experienced it in 2011.
45
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,824
I was just trying to keep my head down
46
00:02:03,848 --> 00:02:05,447
and not ruffle feathers.
47
00:02:05,472 --> 00:02:07,347
- Barack Obama was born in Kenya,
- _
48
00:02:07,372 --> 00:02:09,438
Mohamed Atta was his college roommate,
49
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,551
and I once talked Michelle
out of strangling a bald eagle.
50
00:02:12,576 --> 00:02:15,325
But Obama just couldn't
let me live my life.
51
00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:18,170
Uh, as you can see in my
long-form birth certificate,
52
00:02:18,195 --> 00:02:19,510
I was born in America,
53
00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:21,103
contrary to Mr. Trump's assertion.
54
00:02:21,128 --> 00:02:22,595
He was merciless.
55
00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:24,611
He made me feel like I was not
56
00:02:24,635 --> 00:02:26,491
a rightful citizen of this country!
57
00:02:26,516 --> 00:02:29,476
But conservatives contribute
so much to society.
58
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:33,216
Arts, sciences, education... we
gutted all that boring shit!
59
00:02:33,241 --> 00:02:35,775
I just wish I showed
courage and fought back.
60
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:38,849
I've regretted it even more
than telling that waitress,
61
00:02:38,874 --> 00:02:40,602
"We're all set on breadsticks."
62
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:43,996
I'm worried. Should I
finally move to Wichita
63
00:02:44,021 --> 00:02:46,467
and just open that
Halloween costume store?
64
00:02:46,492 --> 00:02:48,233
Yes, yes, absolutely yes.
65
00:02:48,258 --> 00:02:50,358
Your bags are in an idling car outside.
66
00:02:50,383 --> 00:02:51,687
As for the rest of us,
67
00:02:51,712 --> 00:02:54,513
let's pray that tomorrow's a better day.
68
00:02:54,998 --> 00:02:57,132
? Why ?
69
00:02:57,157 --> 00:02:58,723
? We ?
70
00:02:59,102 --> 00:03:01,135
? Fight ?
71
00:03:02,538 --> 00:03:05,605
Good morning, everyone, from New York.
72
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,685
We're learning the news along with you.
73
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,141
- Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram
- _
74
00:03:11,166 --> 00:03:14,091
have handed down a week-long suspension
75
00:03:14,116 --> 00:03:15,615
to a dozen conservatives.
76
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,044
- Aah!
- And for what?
77
00:03:17,069 --> 00:03:20,071
Simply sending credible death
threats to Trump critics.
78
00:03:20,096 --> 00:03:23,071
This is a worse violation
of rights than Jim Crow,
79
00:03:23,096 --> 00:03:25,805
which I'm absolutely sure I
would have marched against.
80
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,665
One of the suspended accounts
81
00:03:27,690 --> 00:03:29,900
belonged to noted
conservative and pundit
82
00:03:29,925 --> 00:03:33,267
who says he's not racist but
sure says "Detroit" a lot,
83
00:03:33,292 --> 00:03:35,111
Ben Shapiro, seen here.
84
00:03:35,136 --> 00:03:36,628
- Reparations make no sense
- _
85
00:03:36,653 --> 00:03:39,096
since Obama marked the
end of racism, full-stop.
86
00:03:39,121 --> 00:03:41,285
Poor people are not entitled
to rich people's money,
87
00:03:41,309 --> 00:03:42,750
which they inherited fair and square.
88
00:03:42,774 --> 00:03:45,909
Now, that's a weird, sexless
leader I want on my team.
89
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,668
Also suspended... Donald Trump Jr.
90
00:03:48,693 --> 00:03:51,360
What cruel god would allow this?
91
00:03:51,385 --> 00:03:53,146
I'm just a little kid!
92
00:03:53,171 --> 00:03:55,444
It's only a matter of
time before they find out
93
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,632
that I also tweet.
94
00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:00,579
The left is ferocious!
95
00:04:00,604 --> 00:04:04,083
They won't stop until we show
an inkling of self-reflection.
96
00:04:04,108 --> 00:04:05,109
Tell 'em, Ben.
97
00:04:05,134 --> 00:04:06,909
We must lead conservatives
out of the shadows.
98
00:04:06,933 --> 00:04:08,669
We can't even go on a bus anymore
99
00:04:08,694 --> 00:04:10,984
without staring at a Muslim
guy and missing our stop!
100
00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:13,725
We must protect our
right to chant "MAGA"
101
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:16,056
on a cross-country
flight without harassment.
102
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:19,540
Everywhere I go, people spit in my face
103
00:04:19,565 --> 00:04:22,142
and handcuff my right
wrist to my left ankle,
104
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:25,478
and I'm pretty sure it's
because I'm a conservative!
105
00:04:25,503 --> 00:04:28,130
I agree with Ben Shapiro,
Stephen Miller, and Ted Cruz.
106
00:04:28,155 --> 00:04:29,505
Hold your horses.
107
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,462
Susan Collins is all for taking a stand,
108
00:04:32,487 --> 00:04:35,922
but not if it means
facing any consequences.
109
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,806
Gotta say, I agree with Collins.
110
00:04:37,831 --> 00:04:40,609
- You can't agree with both sides, Pompeo.
- I agree.
111
00:04:40,634 --> 00:04:42,834
But where will the persecution end?
112
00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:44,458
Today, it's our Twitter accounts.
113
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:46,992
Tomorrow, it's our Yahoo!
accounts we only use
114
00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,711
for politically incorrect chain letters.
115
00:04:48,736 --> 00:04:50,474
Will we ever laugh again?!
116
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,987
If you ever need a chuckle,
117
00:04:52,012 --> 00:04:54,278
you can always kick
Pompeo in the gonads.
118
00:04:54,303 --> 00:04:55,369
That goes for all of you.
119
00:04:55,394 --> 00:04:56,915
Sorry to interject,
120
00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,458
but aren't we the most
powerful people on the planet?
121
00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:01,262
My name's on the money.
122
00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:04,632
If we're so powerful,
how come we're so whiny?!
123
00:05:04,657 --> 00:05:07,669
Mr. President, I support
everything you do,
124
00:05:07,694 --> 00:05:09,494
including when you
installed a pinball machine
125
00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:10,858
on John McCain's grave,
126
00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:13,652
but how do we overthrow
an oppressive system
127
00:05:13,677 --> 00:05:16,344
when our house is divided?!
128
00:05:20,296 --> 00:05:21,728
Shut up!
129
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,688
If there's one thing we can agree on,
130
00:05:23,713 --> 00:05:25,662
it's we must kick Pompeo's gonads.
131
00:05:25,687 --> 00:05:26,687
- Yeah!
- Yes!
132
00:05:26,712 --> 00:05:28,312
Great! Now line up.
133
00:05:30,106 --> 00:05:32,870
Just ask Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi
134
00:05:32,895 --> 00:05:34,543
to get my account reinstated!
135
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:38,236
They're basically tech lobbyists
who do politics as a fun hobby.
136
00:05:38,261 --> 00:05:40,708
They won't listen to
a conservative like me.
137
00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,216
They don't think of me as a person,
138
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,205
especially after I wore ripped shorts
139
00:05:44,230 --> 00:05:45,989
and walked on all
fours to mess with them.
140
00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:49,624
Dad, I consider myself an
alpha male with rhinoceros skin,
141
00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:52,179
but right now this lil'
dinosaur needs some help.
142
00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:53,670
I've never helped anyone,
143
00:05:53,695 --> 00:05:56,483
and I'm not about to lose
my H-Card with you.
144
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,020
Why are you so upset?
145
00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:03,243
Is it because you can't harass
Parkland kids while we bone?
146
00:06:03,268 --> 00:06:05,825
When you're in your forties
and still growing up,
147
00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:07,995
your dad is supposed
to be there for you.
148
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,496
Ah, you're getting so emotional!
149
00:06:09,521 --> 00:06:11,365
Are you about to ask me
to marry you in an opulent,
150
00:06:11,389 --> 00:06:12,701
Cleopatra-themed wedding this weekend
151
00:06:12,725 --> 00:06:14,001
at the Fontainebleau Miami?
152
00:06:14,026 --> 00:06:15,458
Because I booked it, just in case.
153
00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:17,104
I am not emotional!
154
00:06:17,129 --> 00:06:19,129
I'm just gonna be a big strong man
155
00:06:19,154 --> 00:06:22,175
and ask Chuck and Nancy
to fix this problem for me!
156
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,043
My crack is sober...
you know what to do.
157
00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:26,200
One beer down the crack, coming up.
158
00:06:26,795 --> 00:06:28,995
The oppression of conservatives
159
00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:30,717
is becoming too much to bear.
160
00:06:30,742 --> 00:06:32,509
Uh, no Doy!
161
00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,332
After my confirmation hearing,
162
00:06:34,357 --> 00:06:37,018
I couldn't show my face
at O'Shittery's Beer Dump
163
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:39,010
for three whole Thirsty Thursdays!
164
00:06:39,035 --> 00:06:41,660
If only there was a way to
throw a big enough tantrum
165
00:06:41,685 --> 00:06:44,897
that this nation gives us what
we want just to shut us up.
166
00:06:44,922 --> 00:06:47,023
Oh, but there is...
167
00:06:47,425 --> 00:06:50,103
What's this a photo of...
a bag of congealed oatmeal?
168
00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:51,861
It's me havin' a good cry!
169
00:06:51,886 --> 00:06:55,107
Do the same until the tears
make such a huge puddle,
170
00:06:55,132 --> 00:06:57,709
it won't be clear if it's tears or pee.
171
00:06:57,734 --> 00:06:59,236
Everyone will be afraid to ask,
172
00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,791
so they'll just take whiffs
to see if they can smell pee.
173
00:07:01,816 --> 00:07:05,151
Once they're sure it's not
pee, they'll be so grateful,
174
00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:07,633
you'll get exactly
what you want from them.
175
00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:09,820
You're overselling it. I'll do it!
176
00:07:09,845 --> 00:07:13,259
This country will finally
become a safe space
177
00:07:13,284 --> 00:07:16,385
for everyone who whines
about safe spaces.
178
00:07:24,805 --> 00:07:28,340
The doctors say his gonads
have a long road ahead for them,
179
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,676
so let's hear some love for Pompeo.
180
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,310
Keep it up, slugger!
181
00:07:32,335 --> 00:07:34,364
Doctor said he's never
seen anything like it.
182
00:07:34,389 --> 00:07:36,963
And a heads up that Ben Shapiro and I
183
00:07:36,988 --> 00:07:39,568
are leading a movement for
equal rights for conservatives.
184
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,653
- Whoa!
- You're moving too fast!
185
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,488
Society's not ready for this!
186
00:07:43,513 --> 00:07:45,725
For too long, conservatives
have been in the shadows,
187
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:49,094
and it's time to show America
that we won't stand for it.
188
00:07:49,119 --> 00:07:51,891
Uh, we have all the
money and all the power.
189
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:55,100
The only movement I'm for is
to save Pompeo's baby maker.
190
00:07:55,125 --> 00:07:56,925
The doctor said that's not in the cards.
191
00:07:57,574 --> 00:07:59,006
The stories of oppression
192
00:07:59,031 --> 00:08:00,604
you're about to hear are harrowing.
193
00:08:00,629 --> 00:08:01,909
I hope you didn't eat breakfast.
194
00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:04,042
To be honest, once breakfast
is put in front of me,
195
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,143
I kind of black out,
and next thing you know,
196
00:08:06,168 --> 00:08:08,068
I have to change my shirt.
197
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:09,720
I was supposed to speak
198
00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:11,666
at University of California, Berkeley,
199
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,985
about why white people
deserve reparations
200
00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:17,354
for all the times we had to
feel guilty about being white,
201
00:08:17,379 --> 00:08:18,989
and I was run off campus!
202
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:23,015
YouTube refused to host my videos
203
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,632
just because I said all
school shooting victims
204
00:08:25,657 --> 00:08:28,165
were portrayed by Oscar-winning
actress Brie Larson
205
00:08:28,190 --> 00:08:30,190
in the performance of a lifetime!
206
00:08:30,425 --> 00:08:31,691
I just wanna hug him.
207
00:08:32,027 --> 00:08:34,407
So, I'm sprintin' down a dark freeway
208
00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,198
wearing only what God gave me,
209
00:08:36,223 --> 00:08:39,917
and a legion of bikers is
bearin' down on me so close
210
00:08:39,942 --> 00:08:42,909
that their side mirrors
are knockin' my funny bones.
211
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:45,728
One of the angrier
fellas who had a toddler
212
00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:48,709
smokin' a cigarette
balanced on his handlebars
213
00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:51,688
must've put out a call
because, next thing I know,
214
00:08:51,713 --> 00:08:55,289
green glass bottles are
rainin' down from the overpass
215
00:08:55,314 --> 00:08:57,327
on every side, and I'm thinking,
216
00:08:57,352 --> 00:09:00,029
"Does this road ever go downhill?!"
217
00:09:00,054 --> 00:09:03,099
Wow! All for being a conservative.
218
00:09:03,124 --> 00:09:05,230
Maybe, but more likely I'd say
219
00:09:05,255 --> 00:09:08,622
any one of the nine
things I did that night.
220
00:09:08,647 --> 00:09:10,580
There's a line around the White House
221
00:09:10,605 --> 00:09:12,490
of conservatives ready to complain.
222
00:09:12,515 --> 00:09:14,649
How did it get this bad?
223
00:09:14,856 --> 00:09:16,202
Somewhere along the way,
224
00:09:16,226 --> 00:09:18,674
it became okay to
discriminate based on the color
225
00:09:18,699 --> 00:09:20,866
you paint your face
at fraternity parties.
226
00:09:23,157 --> 00:09:25,254
Well, would you look at this!
227
00:09:25,279 --> 00:09:27,846
Donald Trump Jr. in my office.
228
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:30,926
This must be some kind of trick,
so I got the twins ready...
229
00:09:30,951 --> 00:09:32,512
Julian and Joaquin.
230
00:09:32,537 --> 00:09:34,330
I'm not here to wrestle for dominance.
231
00:09:34,355 --> 00:09:36,299
I'm here to ask for help
getting my Twitter back
232
00:09:36,324 --> 00:09:38,539
before some kid thinks he
can protest climate change
233
00:09:38,564 --> 00:09:41,565
without his sexual
orientation being questioned.
234
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:42,862
Sure. Why not?
235
00:09:42,996 --> 00:09:44,520
Wait. You're just gonna help me?
236
00:09:44,545 --> 00:09:46,275
Whenever my dad does me a favor,
237
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,844
he increases the licensing
fee on my own last name.
238
00:09:48,869 --> 00:09:50,478
Sometimes you tweet a picture
239
00:09:50,503 --> 00:09:52,527
of Ocasio-Cortez with devil horns...
240
00:09:52,552 --> 00:09:55,083
And we just laugh and laugh...
241
00:09:55,108 --> 00:09:56,915
Well, great seeing you.
242
00:09:56,940 --> 00:10:00,374
Tell your father we have a
budget resolution to cave on.
243
00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:02,871
Don, why aren't you leaving?
244
00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:05,979
Sorry. It's just, you guys
not treating me like ass...
245
00:10:06,004 --> 00:10:08,363
I'm not used to that
kind of parental warmth.
246
00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,765
Hey, you guys wanna
get ice cream?! Yeah!
247
00:10:10,790 --> 00:10:12,790
Nancy, Chuck, come on!
248
00:10:14,294 --> 00:10:16,103
One of the most effective tactics
249
00:10:16,128 --> 00:10:18,539
in any civil-rights movement
is the non-violent protest
250
00:10:18,564 --> 00:10:20,374
that shocks the nation
out of complacency.
251
00:10:20,399 --> 00:10:22,009
That's where you come in, Stevie.
252
00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,811
We need you to step
onto a liberal campus
253
00:10:23,836 --> 00:10:24,836
and get your ass kicked.
254
00:10:24,861 --> 00:10:26,538
And for your efforts, we offer you...
255
00:10:26,563 --> 00:10:28,515
Nothing necessary. I live for this.
256
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:29,818
Good, because that was the offer.
257
00:10:29,842 --> 00:10:31,152
But what if my natural charm
258
00:10:31,177 --> 00:10:33,487
makes Antifa refuse to attack me?
259
00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:35,029
Then just make up a story.
260
00:10:35,061 --> 00:10:37,325
Keep it simple so no
one pokes holes in it.
261
00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:39,616
- So then the seven-foot art-history major
- _
262
00:10:39,641 --> 00:10:41,680
raised his battle Axe and roared,
263
00:10:41,705 --> 00:10:44,922
"Name thyself, conservative
who hath dared pass hither!"
264
00:10:44,947 --> 00:10:48,952
I replied, "Lo, I am an
innocent carpenter's apprentice
265
00:10:48,977 --> 00:10:52,006
here to spread the good news
of common-sense baby caging."
266
00:10:52,031 --> 00:10:53,668
A carpenter's apprentice?
267
00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:56,479
As the vape-smoking beast
chained me to the rack,
268
00:10:56,504 --> 00:10:58,758
his fellow Antifa begged for my guts
269
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,347
while big-bosomed maidens
270
00:11:00,372 --> 00:11:03,008
cried out for mercy on
the handsome stranger.
271
00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:04,597
Damn it. I'm starting to get invested.
272
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,048
How did you get out? Did you use
273
00:11:06,073 --> 00:11:07,688
the sorcerer's gem stone
you found in the brook?
274
00:11:07,712 --> 00:11:09,528
A tale for another day!
275
00:11:09,553 --> 00:11:10,585
- Aww.
- The point is...
276
00:11:10,610 --> 00:11:11,610
If people bought it,
277
00:11:11,635 --> 00:11:13,860
there should be rioting in the streets.
278
00:11:13,885 --> 00:11:15,751
Nope.
279
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:18,276
Whoa!
280
00:11:18,931 --> 00:11:20,498
This thing is great!
281
00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:22,120
My dad never let me ride one
282
00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:24,245
because he could tell
I enjoyed it too much.
283
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:27,273
Whoa! What happened?!
284
00:11:27,298 --> 00:11:28,738
It's just out of time, buddy.
285
00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:31,714
You can do one more ride,
but then Nancy and I
286
00:11:31,739 --> 00:11:34,013
have to go back and run
the United States Congress.
287
00:11:34,038 --> 00:11:35,570
One and then one more?
288
00:11:35,806 --> 00:11:37,733
- Fine.
- Yeeeaahhh!
289
00:11:37,758 --> 00:11:40,409
And watch me this time
and give me encouragement!
290
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:41,888
- Are you watching?
- We're watching.
291
00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:43,490
- Look here!
- Oh, yeah!
292
00:11:43,515 --> 00:11:44,790
I think... I got air!
293
00:11:44,815 --> 00:11:46,096
- Sure. You got air.
- Oh, wow!
294
00:11:49,028 --> 00:11:50,695
Oh, my God. He's sleeping.
295
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,597
Wake up, Don. We're here.
296
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:55,093
Whoa! Thanks for taking
me to Toy Story 4,
297
00:11:55,118 --> 00:11:57,898
and the gummy worms, and
picture next to the movie poster.
298
00:11:57,923 --> 00:12:00,472
Don't thank us. You wouldn't stop crying
299
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,755
and rolling on the ground
unless we did what you asked.
300
00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:06,114
Well, see you again soon, champ.
301
00:12:07,904 --> 00:12:11,197
- Don. Everything alright?
- Yeah.
302
00:12:11,222 --> 00:12:13,085
Why aren't you getting
out and going to your home?
303
00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:15,130
- I love you guys.
- Oh, God.
304
00:12:15,155 --> 00:12:16,922
He's imprinted on us like a duck.
305
00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:18,984
We have to keep him, don't we?
306
00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,410
I heard that! Quack-quack!
307
00:12:21,952 --> 00:12:25,071
Nothing's working.
We need to take a big swing.
308
00:12:25,096 --> 00:12:27,576
How about an executive
order declaring conservatives
309
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,133
- are a protected class?
- Pffff.
310
00:12:29,158 --> 00:12:30,901
The president will never go for it.
311
00:12:30,926 --> 00:12:32,937
- What?
- He's got too much on his plate...
312
00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:34,402
immigrants flooding over the border,
313
00:12:34,427 --> 00:12:37,936
economic bubble about to
pop... he doesn't care about us.
314
00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:40,744
- Sir, you must know...
- So let me get this straight...
315
00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:43,614
you're just gonna
waltz into the White House,
316
00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:45,450
ask to see the President,
317
00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:47,685
and then after you're
ushered into his office,
318
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,688
he'll say, "Sure, Ben,
whatever you want!"
319
00:12:50,713 --> 00:12:51,923
- You're a fucking idiot!
- Are you...
320
00:12:51,947 --> 00:12:54,825
It's over! It'll never work!
321
00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:57,661
So quit living in your fantasy world!
322
00:12:58,896 --> 00:13:00,931
Sir, did you actually
forget you were president?
323
00:13:00,956 --> 00:13:02,410
I remembered in the middle,
324
00:13:02,435 --> 00:13:04,202
but it was too late to turn back.
325
00:13:08,552 --> 00:13:12,442
This executive order
designates conservatives
326
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,841
as a federally protected class,
327
00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:17,314
affording them such equality measures
328
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,069
as special parking spots
329
00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:22,749
and equal time for a
right-wing sketch comedy show.
330
00:13:22,774 --> 00:13:25,963
Hello, there's nothing we can't have!
331
00:13:25,988 --> 00:13:27,028
Shut up, nerd!
332
00:13:27,053 --> 00:13:29,763
Boys, let's head to O'Shittery's!
333
00:13:29,788 --> 00:13:32,696
If anybody looks at us weird,
we burn the place down!
334
00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:34,464
This isn't even your
branch of government.
335
00:13:34,489 --> 00:13:36,856
You're in the wrong branch!
336
00:13:36,881 --> 00:13:38,702
Okay, you win, psycho.
337
00:13:38,972 --> 00:13:42,139
Welcome, all, to
the San Francisco Pride Parade.
338
00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:43,573
This is so much more fun
339
00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:46,000
than the "Dads For Family
Court Reform" Parade.
340
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,477
And guess what.
341
00:13:47,502 --> 00:13:50,680
I just heard back from our
friends at Twitter headquarters.
342
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:54,038
We got them to lift your
week-long suspension!
343
00:13:54,063 --> 00:13:57,720
And it only took seven
days. Celebratory selfie!
344
00:13:57,745 --> 00:14:00,023
Say, "I love you and will
always be there for you
345
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,892
in a way that no one ever haaaassss!"
346
00:14:02,917 --> 00:14:04,548
Well, you're back on Twitter,
347
00:14:04,573 --> 00:14:06,705
so I guess you don't need us anymore.
348
00:14:06,791 --> 00:14:09,091
Wait, wait! Oh! You
haven't met Kimberly yet!
349
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:12,189
You're gonna love her. She
has this hilarious story
350
00:14:12,214 --> 00:14:14,982
about making fun of a
cameraman's gross birthmark
351
00:14:15,007 --> 00:14:17,073
and then it turned out to be cancer.
352
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:18,597
She can tell it better.
353
00:14:19,183 --> 00:14:20,544
Tune in to NBC
354
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,178
on Sunday night for the premiere of
355
00:14:22,203 --> 00:14:24,913
"Koch Industries Presents:
Sunday Night Live"
356
00:14:24,938 --> 00:14:28,117
with host Charlie Kirk and
musical guest Rand Paul,
357
00:14:28,142 --> 00:14:30,462
featuring a digital short
on Planned Parenthood.
358
00:14:31,756 --> 00:14:33,697
I'm gonna be groggy Monday morning.
359
00:14:39,453 --> 00:14:40,518
Hey. Good morning.
360
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,667
First you go to the gay pride
parade with Chuck and Nancy
361
00:14:47,692 --> 00:14:49,381
and now we're having dinner with them?
362
00:14:49,406 --> 00:14:52,773
They're a little kooky, but
great if you get to know them.
363
00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:54,398
You got a flyaway
hair right over your...
364
00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,775
Is this her? Hello, Kimberly.
365
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,985
You're even cuter
than Don said you were!
366
00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:01,671
Nancy, take the lamb out
of the oven! They're here!
367
00:15:01,696 --> 00:15:02,860
Ahh. What?!
368
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,118
They're here! Lamb! Now!
369
00:15:05,143 --> 00:15:07,489
So, then Steny Hoyer
says to Dick Durbin,
370
00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:09,624
"Why are you wearing flip-flops?"
371
00:15:09,649 --> 00:15:12,293
Ahh...
372
00:15:12,318 --> 00:15:15,462
So, Don tells us you're
a conservative firebrand.
373
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:16,487
Is that fun?
374
00:15:16,512 --> 00:15:19,266
It's the best. I trigger
so many liberals.
375
00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:22,836
Oh, but long-term, she
wants to be an archaeologist.
376
00:15:22,861 --> 00:15:24,471
What? I don't even know what that is.
377
00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:25,881
I don't either. Just go with it.
378
00:15:25,906 --> 00:15:28,997
It's fine. Let's just
talk about something else.
379
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,065
Need some wine.
380
00:15:34,089 --> 00:15:35,650
Need some lamb in my...
381
00:15:35,674 --> 00:15:38,585
Ohh! Uh, did you see Don
at the gay pride parade?
382
00:15:38,610 --> 00:15:42,297
I did! Wow! I haven't
seen him that happy
383
00:15:42,322 --> 00:15:44,824
since he blew that silverback's
head off at two yards.
384
00:15:44,849 --> 00:15:46,593
And did he tell you that, next weekend,
385
00:15:46,618 --> 00:15:48,362
we're gonna go see glaciers melting?
386
00:15:48,387 --> 00:15:49,863
Oh, the same weekend
387
00:15:49,888 --> 00:15:52,747
as my best friend Katelyn's
gender-reveal party
388
00:15:52,772 --> 00:15:54,800
where they're gonna stuff
a grenade in the cake?
389
00:15:54,825 --> 00:15:57,159
We can just skip it and go to the birth.
390
00:15:58,535 --> 00:16:00,963
I thought you were just getting
your Twitter account reinstated,
391
00:16:00,987 --> 00:16:02,808
not becoming Al Gore!
392
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:04,677
My relationship with Mom and D...
393
00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:06,679
Nancy and Chuck isn't political!
394
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,947
We're just developing
an emotional connection
395
00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:10,449
as we defend the nurse's union
396
00:16:10,474 --> 00:16:13,708
and lock arms with the victims
of Standing Rock. Oh, shit!
397
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:17,542
This is not the selfish
brat I courted to advance my career!
398
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:18,863
I'm still a selfish brat.
399
00:16:18,888 --> 00:16:21,394
Uh, I'll go steal a package
off someone's porch right now!
400
00:16:21,419 --> 00:16:23,781
As hot as that sounds, I'm over it.
401
00:16:23,806 --> 00:16:25,270
Good luck getting Chuck and Nancy
402
00:16:25,295 --> 00:16:27,629
to pour beer down your crack.
403
00:16:34,730 --> 00:16:37,830
Why is everyone mad at
someone who isn't Pompeo?
404
00:16:37,855 --> 00:16:40,213
I'll start. Earlier today, I
was minding my own business,
405
00:16:40,237 --> 00:16:42,107
and someone said, "Good morning."
406
00:16:43,289 --> 00:16:46,685
I'm fine, but I just keep
thinking about what he meant.
407
00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:49,348
"Good morning, you
sad, pathetic weakling
408
00:16:49,373 --> 00:16:51,591
who couldn't even get the
teachers to eat lunch with him.
409
00:16:51,615 --> 00:16:53,758
You speak really
quickly and confidently,
410
00:16:53,783 --> 00:16:57,769
but deep down you know
you're 100% full of shit!"
411
00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,264
Everyone thinks that because we elected
412
00:16:59,288 --> 00:17:02,233
one conservative president,
we finally gained equality,
413
00:17:02,258 --> 00:17:03,675
and that damn executive order
414
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:05,837
just gave them even more
cover to hold us down!
415
00:17:05,862 --> 00:17:09,040
We should've listened to
Susan Collins and done nothing.
416
00:17:09,065 --> 00:17:11,442
Sure, we were only rich and powerful,
417
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:13,164
but at least we were happy.
418
00:17:13,189 --> 00:17:16,791
Wrong! We need a public
demonstration so big and bold
419
00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:18,950
that it shifts the
entire cultural paradigm.
420
00:17:18,975 --> 00:17:21,085
- I'm talking a million...
- Wow!
421
00:17:21,110 --> 00:17:22,700
- ... man...
- That's me!
422
00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:24,455
- ... march!
- I'm out!
423
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,591
So this cause isn't important
enough for you to walk?!
424
00:17:27,616 --> 00:17:29,227
I'm all for equal rights,
425
00:17:29,252 --> 00:17:31,262
but not if it makes my hammies sore.
426
00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:34,262
And to think I believed in you...
427
00:17:35,132 --> 00:17:38,044
Would it make you feel better
if you kicked me in the gonads?
428
00:17:38,069 --> 00:17:39,069
Yeah.
429
00:17:40,281 --> 00:17:42,109
I'd now like to introduce
430
00:17:42,134 --> 00:17:44,979
Senate bill 2-9-4-3...
431
00:17:45,004 --> 00:17:46,777
Hey! Thanks a lot, Chuck!
432
00:17:46,802 --> 00:17:48,588
There's my boy! Nancy and I thought
433
00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:50,713
dinner with Kimberly
was a real home run.
434
00:17:50,738 --> 00:17:54,717
More like a loose bat into the
singing hot-dog guy's throat!
435
00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,087
Kimberly broke up with me!
436
00:17:57,112 --> 00:17:59,823
To be honest, Nancy and I
thought that girl was bad news.
437
00:17:59,848 --> 00:18:01,291
We found condoms in her purse.
438
00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:04,661
Ugh! I'm sick of you
always trying to control me!
439
00:18:04,686 --> 00:18:07,664
I'm not gonna go to
law school, get married,
440
00:18:07,689 --> 00:18:09,599
and become some uptight senator!
441
00:18:09,624 --> 00:18:11,567
Don, I've known you
for maybe eight days.
442
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,770
Are we going to vote on the bill?
443
00:18:13,795 --> 00:18:16,105
I can't wait to vote "present".
444
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:18,441
Don't ever ask Chuck and Nancy for help
445
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:21,844
because you'll let them into
your heart and they'll break it!
446
00:18:21,869 --> 00:18:23,513
I cede my time!
447
00:18:23,538 --> 00:18:25,581
That's not how this works, Don.
448
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:27,473
- Fuck you!
- Present!
449
00:18:28,086 --> 00:18:30,520
What's your glitch, Shapiro?
450
00:18:30,545 --> 00:18:33,383
In 2016, I wasn't sure a
nihilistic game-show host
451
00:18:33,408 --> 00:18:34,608
accused of numerous sex crimes
452
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:36,530
should be the leader of
the conservative movement.
453
00:18:36,554 --> 00:18:38,594
But then you were elected
president, and I realized,
454
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:40,763
"Supporting him boosts
my website's traffic."
455
00:18:40,788 --> 00:18:43,164
But I was wrong. You don't
care about conservatism.
456
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,890
You just care about you!
457
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,669
Obviously, I don't
care about conservatism!
458
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:50,672
I just asked someone which
party has the best racist jokes
459
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,106
and said, "I'm that!"
460
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,310
And guess what! I'm not
telling you any of them!
461
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,850
Go to hell!
462
00:18:56,875 --> 00:19:00,349
Ever since I told that waitress
to stop bringing breadsticks,
463
00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:02,016
I've been living in it!
464
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,808
What are you talking about?!
465
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,108
Live from the Charles
Krauthammer Theater,
466
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:11,233
it's "Sunday Night Live"!
467
00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:14,253
And here's your host, Mike Pompeo!
468
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,342
They asked Pompeo and not me?
469
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:19,734
I'm here to throw you in jail
470
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,009
for calling someone the wrong pronoun.
471
00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:25,693
This is only gonna normalize Pompeo.
472
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:29,810
So if you were, like, my dad,
what kind of stuff would we do?
473
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,246
Of course. Uh, we'd go to the movies!
474
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,554
Ooh, that sounds fun.
475
00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:34,993
Yeah, there's this
little underground theater
476
00:19:35,018 --> 00:19:37,362
in a cement basement on 11th Avenue,
477
00:19:37,387 --> 00:19:38,853
and the movies they show there,
478
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:41,137
there's so much blood and depravity,
479
00:19:41,162 --> 00:19:42,758
I don't know how they
snuck them out of Dresden.
480
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,525
Any other bonding activities?
481
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,269
Ever been on a police ride-along
when they turn off the cameras?
482
00:19:47,294 --> 00:19:49,663
Ha! You will walk away
with so many secrets.
483
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,564
Yeah, I don't know
if this is gonna work.
484
00:19:51,589 --> 00:19:53,334
Look, if it changes your mind,
I'll take you to a ball game.
485
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:55,335
I got this luxury box at Yankee Stadium
486
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,372
that's entirely bricked off...
no one can see in or out.
487
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,607
Got an over-caffeinated
12-year-old bartender...
488
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,598
Yeah, I don't know
if this is gonna work.
489
00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:07,114
Thanks for watching "Sunday Night Live."
490
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,849
Thank you, Tomi Lahren, Dinesh D'Souza,
491
00:20:09,874 --> 00:20:12,669
Jacob Wohl, Diamond, Silk...
492
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,689
... uh, Michael Flynn,
uh, Michael Flynn Jr...
493
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,496
Yeah, that might be Stephen Miller.
494
00:20:17,521 --> 00:20:20,027
Are all the nurses pretending
they're on lunch break?
495
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,652
- Yep, that's him.
- Good night.
496
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:26,533
Oh, my God. Stevie. What happened?
497
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,601
Were you attacked just
for what you believe?
498
00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:32,104
Sort of. I was sitting in
a conservatives-only seat
499
00:20:32,129 --> 00:20:34,084
at the movie theater,
and someone told me
500
00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:35,942
to move my big head a little.
501
00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:38,978
It hurt my feelings
so bad, I called 911.
502
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:42,126
I'm not sure how much longer I have
503
00:20:42,151 --> 00:20:44,451
because the doctor
refuses to examine me.
504
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,619
Stevie, Stevie.
505
00:20:46,644 --> 00:20:49,088
You're gonna make it, God damn it!
506
00:20:49,113 --> 00:20:51,324
If you can survive every
roommate you've ever had
507
00:20:51,349 --> 00:20:53,436
"accidentally" leaving the stove on,
508
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,094
you can survive this.
509
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,717
I've got to go now, Mr. Trump,
510
00:20:57,956 --> 00:21:01,500
but next time conservatives are
getting made fun of real bad,
511
00:21:01,525 --> 00:21:04,292
tell them my story.
512
00:21:04,744 --> 00:21:07,339
- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- What kind of god would
513
00:21:07,364 --> 00:21:09,764
- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- let a man be made fun of?!
514
00:21:09,789 --> 00:21:11,999
- E-e-e-ee...
- It should be me lying there!
515
00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:13,979
- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- It looks so comfortable!
516
00:21:14,004 --> 00:21:16,637
- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- Why is this loser in my bed?!
517
00:21:16,773 --> 00:21:18,907
- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- I want the bed!
518
00:21:23,021 --> 00:21:26,122
Shit! Why did I only
get $800 in quarters?
519
00:21:26,282 --> 00:21:28,349
Whoa! Uh, huh?
520
00:21:28,619 --> 00:21:30,629
Thanks, Kimberly. You...
521
00:21:30,654 --> 00:21:32,531
I didn't see you at Fontainebleau.
522
00:21:32,556 --> 00:21:33,854
Sorry about that.
523
00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:37,358
Hey, do you think maybe I
was working through some stuff
524
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,467
when I had Chuck and Nancy re-birth me
525
00:21:39,492 --> 00:21:41,606
using couch cushions as the birth canal?
526
00:21:41,631 --> 00:21:44,570
Don, when you let people
in like Chuck and Nancy,
527
00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,277
you allow them to change who you are.
528
00:21:46,302 --> 00:21:48,267
Next thing you know,
you're acting like a baby
529
00:21:48,292 --> 00:21:49,757
instead of the tough strong man
530
00:21:49,782 --> 00:21:51,682
who made two koalas
play Russian Roulette.
531
00:21:51,707 --> 00:21:54,452
- Yeah, I miss that guy.
- Me too.
532
00:21:54,477 --> 00:21:56,798
And that guy can let me in,
533
00:21:56,823 --> 00:21:58,490
and I'll never try to change him,
534
00:21:58,515 --> 00:22:01,682
even if his every decision
is a transparent cry for help.
535
00:22:02,018 --> 00:22:05,104
Cool. Now let's pour
some beer in my crack.
536
00:22:05,129 --> 00:22:09,333
No, Don, let's pour some
beer in our cracks.
537
00:22:12,603 --> 00:22:13,670
How's he doing?
538
00:22:13,695 --> 00:22:16,541
It was a close call,
but he's gonna be okay.
539
00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:18,813
Well, I better go. I got
my Sunday Night Live
540
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,775
audition in the morning,
and I still haven't nailed
541
00:22:20,799 --> 00:22:22,647
Michelle Obama's accent.
542
00:22:22,672 --> 00:22:25,215
Ben. We can't let this happen again.
543
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,851
Next time, it could be someone
544
00:22:26,876 --> 00:22:29,397
who has more than zero
contacts in his phone.
545
00:22:29,422 --> 00:22:31,904
But you were right. It's
over. The liberals won.
546
00:22:31,929 --> 00:22:34,692
MSNBC is like the Fox News of TV.
547
00:22:34,767 --> 00:22:37,044
I thought I heard
something about a march.
548
00:22:37,069 --> 00:22:39,229
You think that's something
the president would be into?
549
00:22:39,254 --> 00:22:41,231
- Did you forget again?
- I did.
550
00:22:41,256 --> 00:22:43,022
? Why ?
551
00:22:43,224 --> 00:22:45,191
? We ?
552
00:22:45,393 --> 00:22:47,126
? Fight ?
553
00:22:47,651 --> 00:22:49,616
This is why we fight!
554
00:22:49,641 --> 00:22:51,541
? Save ?
555
00:22:51,566 --> 00:22:53,833
? The right ?
556
00:22:54,202 --> 00:22:55,845
We have got to save the right!
557
00:22:57,950 --> 00:23:00,317
Tomorrow, millions of conservatives
558
00:23:00,342 --> 00:23:01,685
are coming here to march,
559
00:23:01,710 --> 00:23:03,574
and I can't think of
one thing to tell them
560
00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:05,889
other than I forgot
to get Port-a-Potties.
561
00:23:05,914 --> 00:23:09,392
Just tell them that, some day,
we will achieve true equality
562
00:23:09,417 --> 00:23:12,101
and be able to wear a
Confederate flag unitard
563
00:23:12,126 --> 00:23:14,029
to SoulCycle.
564
00:23:14,054 --> 00:23:18,090
? What do we stand for? ?
565
00:23:18,326 --> 00:23:20,392
? Why do we fight? ?
566
00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:25,308
? To protect the lives ?
567
00:23:25,333 --> 00:23:30,068
? Of rich men who are white ?
568
00:23:30,548 --> 00:23:33,983
? So Rush Limbaugh ?
569
00:23:34,008 --> 00:23:38,410
? Can sleep sound at night ?
570
00:23:38,779 --> 00:23:42,848
? And we are never held accountable ?
571
00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:46,429
? For a joke we made in front
of a biracial co-worker ?
572
00:23:46,454 --> 00:23:48,654
? This is why we fight ?
573
00:23:48,856 --> 00:23:53,412
? For Proud Boys and alt-rights ?
574
00:23:54,728 --> 00:23:57,796
? For rich white men ?
575
00:23:57,821 --> 00:24:01,788
? And rich white men's wives ?
576
00:24:01,813 --> 00:24:03,712
I'm cool with this also.
577
00:24:03,737 --> 00:24:05,824
Conservatives from all over the country
578
00:24:05,849 --> 00:24:07,192
have gathered in Washington
579
00:24:07,217 --> 00:24:08,884
to fight for the rights of Republicans
580
00:24:08,909 --> 00:24:10,318
or, said another way,
581
00:24:10,343 --> 00:24:13,022
the President has hosted
a white-power rally.
582
00:24:13,047 --> 00:24:15,134
The Grand Wizard is about to speak.
583
00:24:16,216 --> 00:24:18,115
? Why ?
584
00:24:18,351 --> 00:24:21,152
? We fight ?
585
00:24:24,357 --> 00:24:26,123
? Save ?
586
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,160
? The right ?
587
00:24:32,232 --> 00:24:36,568
My fellow conservatives,
we have a dream,
588
00:24:36,903 --> 00:24:39,714
a dream that began on a bridge in Selma
589
00:24:39,739 --> 00:24:41,849
though not the side people
typically think of...
590
00:24:41,874 --> 00:24:44,242
a dream that, one day,
591
00:24:44,578 --> 00:24:47,188
conservatives will be able to go online
592
00:24:47,213 --> 00:24:51,402
without the fear of someone
teasing them a little bit!
593
00:24:51,427 --> 00:24:54,152
Wow. What a fuckin' snowflake.
594
00:24:56,239 --> 00:24:58,199
Hey, you guys don't have
a permit for any of this.
595
00:24:58,224 --> 00:24:59,256
You gotta scram.
596
00:24:59,281 --> 00:25:01,546
Oh, why? Because we're conservatives?
597
00:25:02,795 --> 00:25:04,938
No. Just, everyone needs a permit.
598
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,243
You don't get special treatment.
599
00:25:18,621 --> 00:25:20,021
Let us stay!
600
00:25:20,046 --> 00:25:22,746
It's not fair!
601
00:25:23,158 --> 00:25:25,136
We're allowed to be here!
602
00:25:25,161 --> 00:25:26,626
Mommy said so!
603
00:25:26,651 --> 00:25:29,438
You're a bad cop! Bad cop!
604
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,229
He is a bad cop!
605
00:25:31,254 --> 00:25:35,045
Let us stay, or I'm gonna
cry, and I'm gonna cry and cry!
606
00:25:35,070 --> 00:25:36,569
I hate you!
607
00:25:40,588 --> 00:25:42,475
Is that tears or piss?
608
00:25:43,228 --> 00:25:45,963
Ah. It's just tears, thank God.
609
00:25:45,988 --> 00:25:47,555
Alright, stay. Just wrap it up
610
00:25:47,580 --> 00:25:49,214
before the ceramics fair sets up.
611
00:25:49,241 --> 00:25:51,084
- Yay!
- We did it!
612
00:25:51,109 --> 00:25:53,243
- Hooray!
- The right always wins!
613
00:25:55,590 --> 00:25:57,823
How are your hammies, Mr. President?
614
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,829
Pretty sore, but I'll
just take a month off work,
615
00:26:00,854 --> 00:26:02,920
wherever that is.
616
00:26:02,945 --> 00:26:04,901
You think this changed anything?
617
00:26:04,925 --> 00:26:06,527
I'm about to find out.
618
00:26:06,936 --> 00:26:10,236
I'm on my way, SoulCycle!
619
00:26:11,639 --> 00:26:13,640
Where'd you learn to cry like that?
620
00:26:13,665 --> 00:26:16,359
Let's just say a couple
kooky cats taught me
621
00:26:16,384 --> 00:26:17,884
how to be vulnerable.
622
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,014
Great news! Before I burnt
down O'Shittery's Beer Dump,
623
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,087
I stole a bunch of kegs
from the loading dock.
624
00:26:24,112 --> 00:26:25,873
- Wanna go drink them?
- Uh, yeah, we're okay.
625
00:26:25,897 --> 00:26:27,864
Yeah, I think...
W-We're alright, though.
626
00:26:27,889 --> 00:26:29,621
You guys are huge dicks!
627
00:26:29,646 --> 00:26:34,016
I'm gonna start my own
movement against huge dicks!
628
00:26:34,218 --> 00:26:35,951
? Why ?
629
00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:37,820
? We ?
630
00:26:38,022 --> 00:26:41,656
? Fight ?
631
00:26:41,859 --> 00:26:43,926
? Save ?
632
00:26:44,128 --> 00:26:45,828
? The ?
633
00:26:46,030 --> 00:26:48,797
? Right ?
634
00:26:49,653 --> 00:26:53,888
? I used to feel like
I could walk the Earth ?
635
00:26:53,913 --> 00:26:57,549
? Like a human god ?
636
00:26:57,574 --> 00:27:00,342
? Now I still am a human god ?
637
00:27:00,721 --> 00:27:03,222
? But I feel like I'm not ?
638
00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:23,797
? Why ?
639
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,799
? We ?
640
00:27:26,002 --> 00:27:27,368
? Fight ?
641
00:27:27,670 --> 00:27:30,225
? Leave Meghan McCain alone ?
642
00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:32,050
? Save ?
643
00:27:32,075 --> 00:27:34,762
? The right ?
644
00:27:34,787 --> 00:27:38,689
? Yeah, we gotta save the right ?
645
00:27:38,714 --> 00:27:41,982
? Ooh-ooh ?
646
00:27:42,184 --> 00:27:44,184
? Ooh ?
647
00:27:49,079 --> 00:27:54,079
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
49636
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof