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- Synced and corrected by Firefly-
- www.addic7ed.com -
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[CROWD CHANTING] U-S-A!
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00:00:11,180 --> 00:00:14,582
Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
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00:00:14,684 --> 00:00:16,884
guys who've punched a claw machine,
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00:00:16,986 --> 00:00:20,421
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
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00:00:20,523 --> 00:00:23,758
teens who will have their Ivy
League admission rescinded,
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- and other shrieking jackals!
- [CROWD CHEERS]
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I'm here to announce that, in 2020,
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00:00:29,031 --> 00:00:33,144
win or lose, I will win the election!
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[CROWD CHEERING]
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I'm walking over here now...
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00:00:36,782 --> 00:00:39,250
showing you that I'm keepin' it loose...
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00:00:39,275 --> 00:00:42,686
proving to everyone that I
can be a tough walkin' man.
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And now I'm moseying on back.
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00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:46,267
[CROWD CHEERS]
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Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
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I am now accepting foreign intelligence
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00:00:51,994 --> 00:00:53,897
on my Democratic opponents.
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Simply call the number below!
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Operators are standing by!
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No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
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00:01:01,163 --> 00:01:03,684
So many people have
made tonight possible,
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00:01:03,709 --> 00:01:07,711
but none more so than Nancy
Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
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You two have done absolutely
nothing to stop me,
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and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
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00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,320
watching the house get robbed.
27
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You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
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You're being too pushy.
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- Thank you, Mr. President.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
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- Thank you, everyone!
- You're making us blush!
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For more on my second-term agenda,
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please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
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[NARRATOR] If you thought
President Trump's first term
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got your pulse pounding,
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his second term will
make your heart explode.
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National Guard... on speed dial.
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Nuclear secrets... for sale.
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Basic human decency... buh-bye!
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And think Trump can't spell any worse?
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Think aglenn.
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Donald Trump 2020.
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You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster.
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Alright!
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- Who wants pig hearts?!
- [AIR CANNON FIRING]
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Not enough to go
around, so start clawing!
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♪♪
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[WHISTLING]
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♪♪
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♪♪
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
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Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us.
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Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment!
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How's our Washington hotel?
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We're killing it!
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The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
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It's floor-to-ceiling French toast!
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Okay, let's hear from
my favorite son. Ivanka?
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Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury
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and said on the weekends, anything goes!
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What the hell, Pompeo?!
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Hey, is this sock on the
doorknob up for grabs?
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- It's pretty nice.
- La la la la la!
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I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
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Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
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Look what you did, Pompeo!
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You take the crime sock off the door,
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and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
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So... can I put this on my foot or...?
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[JARED] Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
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you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
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the campaign finance violations,
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and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
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there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
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Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
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I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
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Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
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will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
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Of course they will, Jared.
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The ruling was foretold in the
Great Prophecy of Valantium.
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Let me ask you.
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H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
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If you spent less
time in the weight room
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and more time in class,
you would know that...
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] ... every
half moon, the Supreme Court
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rises out of the ancient
swamps of Kilga-Goranth
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to exact their righteous
judgment on our kind.
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The big, buff justices
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wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
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even when they go
through airport security.
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♪ Justice ♪
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You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
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♪♪
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Ooh, justice!
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Mmm, justice.
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Ooh, justice.
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I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies
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just to shush stepdads and their sons.
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Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
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and discussed the power of the president
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to pardon himself. Take a look.
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Obviously, I'm not going
to present my opinion here,
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00:04:04,686 --> 00:04:05,862
but I will say that
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presidential power is not absolute.
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Here to analyze Robert's comments
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is constitutional
scholar, political expert,
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and mezzo soprano... me.
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♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪
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♪♪
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I booked our next
big-game hunting trip, Don!
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They just shove a drugged-up lion
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into the back of a Honda Odyssey,
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00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:30,120
and we get to shoot
it through the windows.
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I'm afraid you'll have to
take those hunting trips alone.
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As the eldest, I'll be inheriting
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the presidency in 2024.
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So if you're launching
your political career,
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does that mean I'm gonna
run the Trump Organization?
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You're not cut out for that!
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You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
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♪♪
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I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey
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didn't have what it takes.
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Then you must show Dad that you can be
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an upstanding businessman like me.
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Now pretend you lost your factory job
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so I can practice nodding as if I care.
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[SOBBING] W-We're down
to one single sheet...
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Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.
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- ... of white bread for my family of eleven.
- I mean, I do care.
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- Nodding, nodding.
- Please, Mr. Trump.
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♪♪
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[MCCONNELL] You're not screwed.
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You got four out of five
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conservative justices in the bag.
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Just go schmooze the robes off of him.
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I'm not the schmoozer,
Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee.
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Check the mug. I just
wish I could add more buff
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- _
- Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe.
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That's called "packing the court",
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and there's nothing in the Constitution
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that says you can't do it.
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I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
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Upending centuries of judicial protocol
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is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
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Just a heads up, though.
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The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
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[BOTH SCREAMING WILDLY, GLASS SHATTERS]
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♪♪
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[ERIC] And as Aristotle said,
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- "Fear is pain...
- [GROANING]
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... arising from the
anticipation of evil."
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That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
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Sorry about the typo. I
couldn't find the backspace.
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Eric, you're just not cut
out for the family business.
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00:06:03,593 --> 00:06:06,614
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
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00:06:06,639 --> 00:06:10,174
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
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We saved a lot of money on beans
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00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,422
but lost a lot of money on jelly.
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Hmm.
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♪♪
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[CACKLING WILDLY]
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My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
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and it's only right I do the same.
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Prove to me you can
handle more responsibility,
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and I'll make you my
last-ditch pick for CEO.
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Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
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Fat chance! My kids are assholes!
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You wouldn't last a second!
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[C-SPAN NARRATOR] We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
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who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
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Supreme Court nominee, My
Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
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[LINDELL] So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
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my pants shredded like those things
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- that slap you at the car wash
- _
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when you're hiding out from three guys
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with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
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and all I've got left to my name
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is a baby bottle full of
NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake.
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So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
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before you end up married again."
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00:07:08,492 --> 00:07:12,258
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
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I can give you the month... summer.
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"Crash-and-burn" is
what people are saying
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about Trump's effort to pack the court.
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The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
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their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
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[THUNDER RUMBLING]
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP GROANING]
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Oh, God.
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JUDGE: Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
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of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
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I sentence you to a
million years in prison!
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[GAVEL BANGS]
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[CELL-DOOR SLAM ECHOES]
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[WARDEN] Recreation time is up!
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Everyone back in their cells
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for 23 hours of sedentary rest!
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- Hooray!
- [PRISONER] Whoo!
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Ahh. I kinda like this.
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00:07:55,235 --> 00:07:57,684
No one's making me do
stuff, food's chewy,
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I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
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00:08:00,696 --> 00:08:01,928
[RATTLING]
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You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie!
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00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:06,220
I got a million years in here, too!
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00:08:06,245 --> 00:08:09,067
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
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00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:12,594
One, two, three, four, five...
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sex... sick! seven!
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[SCREAMING]
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♪♪
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] You were right, Mitch.
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I must be the schmoozer,
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00:08:23,129 --> 00:08:24,872
and Supreme Court, the schmoozees.
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Great! What we need is a fancy place
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where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
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00:08:30,737 --> 00:08:32,179
We're in Washington, Rudy.
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All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
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00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,884
husband-and-wife cabaret acts.
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00:08:35,909 --> 00:08:37,621
There's only one place ritzy enough
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to schmooze Roberts and
those other nobodies.
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00:08:39,955 --> 00:08:43,057
The place where everyone can
be whoever they want to be.
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As long as they pay the $200,000 fee.
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Where on Earth could that be?!
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- ♪♪
- _
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Lago!
238
00:09:42,387 --> 00:09:46,526
For the 1st Annual Supreme
Court Gala Spectacular!
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00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:48,097
- _
- Your security detail picked us all up
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00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,534
from our homes in the dead of night.
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00:09:49,558 --> 00:09:51,157
And they scared the daylights
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00:09:51,182 --> 00:09:53,871
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
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00:09:53,896 --> 00:09:57,517
Did you know that last year they
made two movies about me?
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00:09:57,542 --> 00:09:58,542
[JUSTICES, ANNOYED] Yes.
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Who gives a crap how we got here?
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00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,845
We're away from our jobs, our families,
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00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,482
the specters of our past.
248
00:10:04,507 --> 00:10:06,006
That's the alarming spirit.
249
00:10:06,031 --> 00:10:09,556
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
250
00:10:09,581 --> 00:10:12,222
Come ride with me in
my executive golf cart.
251
00:10:12,247 --> 00:10:15,348
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
252
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,718
No eating of the smoked
trout in the back seat!
253
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,610
That's for Uber customers.
254
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,356
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
255
00:10:24,381 --> 00:10:27,336
I'd worry more about your
sailor on shore leave over there.
256
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:30,107
It says you're open
at 8:00, but it's 8:02!
257
00:10:30,132 --> 00:10:32,565
I could sue you for false advertising!
258
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,822
[BEATBOXING]
259
00:10:33,847 --> 00:10:35,869
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room
260
00:10:35,893 --> 00:10:36,992
with a mini-bar,
261
00:10:37,017 --> 00:10:39,082
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
262
00:10:39,107 --> 00:10:41,473
I could look after Judge Kavanaugh!
263
00:10:41,498 --> 00:10:42,731
Sure, kid.
264
00:10:42,756 --> 00:10:45,321
Keep that twitchy lush from
ruining my schmooze-fest,
265
00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:48,714
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
266
00:10:48,739 --> 00:10:49,838
♪♪
267
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,128
Excuse me. Could I have a juice?
268
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:55,464
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
269
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,357
I told you... he's a starfucker!
270
00:10:58,382 --> 00:11:00,836
To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience,
271
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,961
you gotta sit with the power players.
272
00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:05,397
- Rudy Giuliani.
- God damn it!
273
00:11:05,422 --> 00:11:08,444
I spilled ketchup on the
gravy I spilled on my suit!
274
00:11:08,469 --> 00:11:10,613
Shinzo Abe. He's always here.
275
00:11:10,638 --> 00:11:12,904
[SPEAKING JAPANESE] _
276
00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:15,452
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
277
00:11:15,477 --> 00:11:17,109
He tells me to do stuff, and I do it.
278
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,233
[GRUNTS]
279
00:11:18,258 --> 00:11:20,833
We should really invite
over the other justices.
280
00:11:20,858 --> 00:11:22,891
They actually told me
they think you stink
281
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,383
and are probably a bad kisser.
282
00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,895
The best way to get back at
them is to let me pardon myself
283
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,354
for crimes past, present, and future.
284
00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:32,279
I... have to go to
the little men's room.
285
00:11:32,304 --> 00:11:35,102
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it.
286
00:11:35,127 --> 00:11:36,671
Take your meal back to your room.
287
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,762
It's always Shinzo's fault.
288
00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:41,989
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
289
00:11:42,014 --> 00:11:43,147
[ABE] I know!
290
00:11:43,172 --> 00:11:44,598
So, in order to graduate
291
00:11:44,623 --> 00:11:47,731
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
292
00:11:47,756 --> 00:11:50,116
Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute
293
00:11:50,141 --> 00:11:52,676
the fabled double-donkey hee-haw.
294
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:55,307
Anyways, you work at, uh...?
295
00:11:55,332 --> 00:11:57,801
SCOTUS! I should have never signed up!
296
00:11:57,826 --> 00:11:59,327
It's the worst thing I've ever done!
297
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,128
Where's my beer?!
298
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:04,332
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
299
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,325
I'm actually not
supposed to let you drink.
300
00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:11,105
Uhh! But I like beer! I
like beer! I like beer!!
301
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,796
What if I just vouch for you
302
00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:15,242
like the way Squi vouched for me?
303
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:16,466
You'd do that?
304
00:12:16,491 --> 00:12:19,346
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
305
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,171
Yes, I am sober.
306
00:12:21,196 --> 00:12:23,684
You'll make Eric the
CEO tomorrow morning?
307
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,475
I'll tell him right now! Beep.
308
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,233
A round of beers to celebrate?!
309
00:12:27,258 --> 00:12:29,446
Okay! But just one.
310
00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,004
[SQUEAKING]
311
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,597
♪♪
312
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,254
[SEA BIRDS CRYING]
313
00:12:35,587 --> 00:12:37,865
- [CLANGING]
- G-Gah!
314
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,702
Rise and shine, my favorite justice!
315
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,772
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
316
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,028
How did you get in here?
317
00:12:45,053 --> 00:12:46,973
I have all the keys to all the doors.
318
00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:48,831
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
319
00:12:48,856 --> 00:12:50,810
out of the pool, so get your trunks on,
320
00:12:50,835 --> 00:12:52,368
then you'll let me pardon myself,
321
00:12:52,393 --> 00:12:54,147
then we'll hit the omelet bar.
322
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:56,482
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
323
00:12:56,507 --> 00:12:57,621
to vote in your favor.
324
00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,987
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
325
00:13:01,012 --> 00:13:02,533
I usually don't do this,
326
00:13:02,558 --> 00:13:05,270
but what if I switched
you to a bed-bug free room?
327
00:13:05,372 --> 00:13:07,873
♪ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ♪
328
00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:11,287
[SLURRING] Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
329
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:14,033
[SLURRING] Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
330
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:16,292
I turned my back on Deion the Donkey
331
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,004
to build Jelly Tower!
332
00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:20,729
Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy!
333
00:13:20,754 --> 00:13:24,276
You gonna cry boysenberry
tears out of your marmalade eyes
334
00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:28,045
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
335
00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:30,070
I'm a Jelly Man!
336
00:13:30,095 --> 00:13:31,415
Oww!
337
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,541
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
338
00:13:34,566 --> 00:13:36,268
to ugly vermilion!
339
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,823
What are you gonna do about it...
340
00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:41,347
wah-wah cry like you
did at your hearing?
341
00:13:41,372 --> 00:13:43,472
I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die!
342
00:13:43,497 --> 00:13:44,552
Bring it!
343
00:13:44,577 --> 00:13:46,154
[BOTH] One, two...
344
00:13:46,179 --> 00:13:47,712
[BOTH SCREAM]
345
00:13:49,015 --> 00:13:51,270
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
346
00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:53,778
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
347
00:13:53,803 --> 00:13:55,596
We don't have umbrellas in Florida.
348
00:13:55,621 --> 00:13:57,113
It's the Sunshine State.
349
00:13:57,138 --> 00:13:59,220
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
350
00:13:59,245 --> 00:14:01,306
the laughingstock of
the whole judiciary.
351
00:14:01,331 --> 00:14:02,401
Ooh, and while you're at it,
352
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,615
do the other justices dirty, too!
353
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,007
That's why you're the
leader of the free world.
354
00:14:07,032 --> 00:14:08,485
I can't take all the credit.
355
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,510
You got to give some
to the death squads.
356
00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:12,136
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
357
00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:15,305
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
358
00:14:15,407 --> 00:14:16,807
♪♪
359
00:14:16,909 --> 00:14:18,666
And keep that applause going
360
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,299
for our Guy of the Year Award recipient,
361
00:14:21,324 --> 00:14:23,490
Chief Justice Roberts!
362
00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:26,549
Are you any closer to
giving me my self-pardon?
363
00:14:26,808 --> 00:14:29,207
I said "no" and I look like a fool.
364
00:14:29,232 --> 00:14:31,632
Fine! Then the only thing
left is the group kompromat...
365
00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:33,010
I mean group photo.
366
00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:35,636
Everyone grab some
champagne and hop on stage!
367
00:14:35,661 --> 00:14:37,338
[JUSTICE] Let's just do
this so we can go to bed.
368
00:14:37,362 --> 00:14:39,694
Sanders, remember. Downward
angle, find your light.
369
00:14:39,719 --> 00:14:41,141
I know, I know.
370
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:42,608
Say "blackmail".
371
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,178
- [JUSTICES] Blackmail.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
372
00:14:44,202 --> 00:14:45,702
Is it hot fire?
373
00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:48,892
♪ I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat ♪
374
00:14:48,917 --> 00:14:50,461
Wow. You should be on Broadway.
375
00:14:50,486 --> 00:14:52,352
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
376
00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:55,098
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
377
00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:57,357
I wonder who I'll self-pardon first.
378
00:14:57,382 --> 00:14:59,492
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
379
00:14:59,517 --> 00:15:01,485
[COOPER] Look at that.
As a result of this
380
00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:04,074
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
381
00:15:04,099 --> 00:15:06,099
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
382
00:15:06,124 --> 00:15:07,333
pertaining to the president.
383
00:15:07,358 --> 00:15:08,835
Who would leak such a thing?
384
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,148
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
385
00:15:12,173 --> 00:15:13,706
with 19 entrances.
386
00:15:13,731 --> 00:15:16,246
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
387
00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:18,744
- of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
- _
388
00:15:18,769 --> 00:15:21,414
I want Shinzo's badge and
gun on my desk by morning.
389
00:15:21,439 --> 00:15:23,082
This means that, in the upcoming hearing
390
00:15:23,107 --> 00:15:25,328
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
391
00:15:25,353 --> 00:15:27,353
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
392
00:15:27,378 --> 00:15:30,957
of the one Justice not
recused, Brett Kavanaugh.
393
00:15:30,982 --> 00:15:32,302
Ohh! Even better!
394
00:15:32,327 --> 00:15:33,793
He'll give you the kind of justice
395
00:15:33,818 --> 00:15:36,024
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
396
00:15:36,049 --> 00:15:37,657
ever since the nation's founding.
397
00:15:37,682 --> 00:15:38,931
All we have to do is make sure
398
00:15:38,956 --> 00:15:40,910
Brett Kavanaugh's on
that bench on Monday.
399
00:15:40,935 --> 00:15:43,748
Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son
400
00:15:43,773 --> 00:15:45,105
taking care of him.
401
00:15:46,942 --> 00:15:48,374
[WEAKLY] Whoa.
402
00:15:48,399 --> 00:15:50,309
What happened last night?
403
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:53,412
It's just like that
R-rated bachelor-party movie
404
00:15:53,437 --> 00:15:55,147
The Hang Glider.
405
00:15:55,172 --> 00:15:57,205
♪♪
406
00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:59,107
[KAVANAUGH] "Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
407
00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:01,009
- how much I enjoy being away from it all,
- _
408
00:16:01,034 --> 00:16:02,601
- drowning in liquid fun!
- _
409
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,012
- Don't come looking for me,
- _
410
00:16:04,037 --> 00:16:05,725
- or I'll take the fuck off running!
- _
411
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:08,183
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
412
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:10,275
[SCREAMS]
413
00:16:10,530 --> 00:16:13,098
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
414
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:15,677
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
415
00:16:15,702 --> 00:16:18,657
the inner workings of a
middle-aged party king.
416
00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:19,704
You have any clues?
417
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:23,807
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
418
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,321
He flew the coop! I'm
coming down there, Eric.
419
00:16:26,346 --> 00:16:28,446
Good thing I have shit
loads of Southwest points
420
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,904
from tickets I bought so I
could get drunk at La Guardia.
421
00:16:30,929 --> 00:16:33,128
Wait! I think I know where he is!
422
00:16:33,153 --> 00:16:36,365
Have you ever heard of
a town called... Orlando?
423
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,033
Have you ever heard of a town called
424
00:16:38,058 --> 00:16:39,657
"Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"?
425
00:16:39,682 --> 00:16:41,082
♪♪
426
00:16:41,184 --> 00:16:44,125
Let us bow our heads in
prayer to Brett Kavanaugh
427
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:46,764
for making this
lawlessness possible for me.
428
00:16:46,789 --> 00:16:49,456
May he go to bed without
getting the spins.
429
00:16:49,481 --> 00:16:50,481
ALL: Amen.
430
00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:52,146
Now, what crimes should I commit?
431
00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:55,306
And remember, there are no small
crimes... only short criminals.
432
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:56,827
Before you commit more crimes,
433
00:16:56,852 --> 00:16:58,286
shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh
434
00:16:58,311 --> 00:16:59,915
actually hands down his ruling?
435
00:16:59,940 --> 00:17:01,636
That's strike three, Pompeo.
436
00:17:01,661 --> 00:17:03,428
Strikes one and two were existing.
437
00:17:03,453 --> 00:17:04,626
Will there be any more innings?
438
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,117
We just found our next crime...
439
00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:09,586
we're gonna torture Pompeo
until he swallows his own tongue!
440
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,091
- That's great!
- Let's kill him, huh?
441
00:17:11,116 --> 00:17:13,291
I'm free all day, so just let me know.
442
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:14,781
[DOLPHIN CHITTERING]
443
00:17:14,806 --> 00:17:16,627
[HOST] These dolphins are kept alive
444
00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:19,085
only by the fish they
receive mid-backflip.
445
00:17:19,187 --> 00:17:22,800
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
446
00:17:22,825 --> 00:17:26,259
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun".
447
00:17:26,361 --> 00:17:30,083
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
448
00:17:30,108 --> 00:17:34,210
that SeaWorld is the
liquid-fun capital of Florida.
449
00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:38,291
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
450
00:17:38,316 --> 00:17:40,183
There's no beer at SeaWorld!
451
00:17:40,208 --> 00:17:42,986
- How long has he been gone?
- Two days.
452
00:17:43,011 --> 00:17:44,988
Two days of drunk stumbling
453
00:17:45,013 --> 00:17:47,324
is four days of sober sprinting.
454
00:17:47,349 --> 00:17:48,682
He could be anywhere,
455
00:17:48,707 --> 00:17:52,408
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
456
00:17:52,587 --> 00:17:55,154
♪ It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun ♪
457
00:17:55,179 --> 00:17:57,454
Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being
458
00:17:57,479 --> 00:17:59,379
a boring-annoying-dumb loser,
459
00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:01,938
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
460
00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:04,284
then blowtorching, then poisoning,
461
00:18:04,309 --> 00:18:07,503
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
462
00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:09,123
If I'm gonna be covered in ants,
463
00:18:09,148 --> 00:18:10,981
can I at least have a picnic with them?
464
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:13,626
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
465
00:18:13,651 --> 00:18:15,318
It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk
466
00:18:15,343 --> 00:18:17,261
or should I just make up something?
467
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:18,452
Ugh...
468
00:18:18,477 --> 00:18:20,067
Dad, remember when you said
469
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,925
- you'd always love me no matter what?
- Nope.
470
00:18:22,950 --> 00:18:25,528
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
471
00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:28,587
[CRYING] D-a-a-ad!
472
00:18:28,766 --> 00:18:30,399
Kavanaugh is gone.
473
00:18:30,424 --> 00:18:32,579
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
474
00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:34,891
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
475
00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:36,082
former campaign chief,
476
00:18:36,107 --> 00:18:38,841
and three dozen of
my closest associates.
477
00:18:38,866 --> 00:18:41,800
I could pardon you if I
was president. Hint, hint.
478
00:18:42,057 --> 00:18:44,523
It's been two days
479
00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:47,426
since Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh
480
00:18:47,451 --> 00:18:50,486
disappeared into the
humid badlands of Florida.
481
00:18:50,511 --> 00:18:52,577
- Search parties continue to comb through
- _
482
00:18:52,602 --> 00:18:54,490
- every roadside motel bar
- _
483
00:18:54,515 --> 00:18:58,003
and empty Circuit City with a
back door you can jimmy open.
484
00:18:58,028 --> 00:18:59,928
Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity.
485
00:18:59,953 --> 00:19:03,025
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
486
00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:05,800
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
487
00:19:05,825 --> 00:19:08,381
for sale exclusively on my website!
488
00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:12,040
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
489
00:19:12,065 --> 00:19:14,609
Mmm! Buy the... Buy the whole pail!
490
00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,145
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
491
00:19:17,170 --> 00:19:18,609
I know this is difficult,
492
00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:21,320
but I need you to hit
me as hard as you...
493
00:19:22,575 --> 00:19:24,419
Thanks for pitchin' in, honey.
494
00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:25,609
♪♪
495
00:19:25,788 --> 00:19:27,021
[ERIC] Drat!
496
00:19:27,046 --> 00:19:28,777
Thought it might be Kavanaugh,
497
00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:31,992
but it's just another dead, bloated guy.
498
00:19:32,017 --> 00:19:34,059
Time to face facts... you'll always be
499
00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:35,683
the businessman fisher-outer
500
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,575
and never the businessman fishee.
501
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,535
How will I ever live
up to my family name?
502
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,670
All I have are my handsome gums
503
00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:46,517
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
504
00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:48,953
Forget it, Eric. Your
only career path now
505
00:19:48,978 --> 00:19:50,844
is to join my Secret Service detail
506
00:19:50,869 --> 00:19:53,814
and somehow not fall in love with
me, à la The Bodyguard.
507
00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:55,492
And good luck because I am...
508
00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:57,751
♪ Enchanting as ass ♪
509
00:19:58,184 --> 00:20:00,251
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Because all the judges
510
00:20:00,276 --> 00:20:02,987
are either recused or
horking into the EverGlades,
511
00:20:03,012 --> 00:20:05,703
the Supreme Court will
fail to hear my case.
512
00:20:05,728 --> 00:20:07,728
You're the man of the
White House now, Mikey.
513
00:20:07,753 --> 00:20:09,897
Here's the presidential suit and tie.
514
00:20:09,922 --> 00:20:11,732
They'll probably be tight on you.
515
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:15,558
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
516
00:20:15,583 --> 00:20:18,705
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
517
00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:22,053
it's you being held
accountable for your actions.
518
00:20:22,078 --> 00:20:24,478
Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight
519
00:20:24,503 --> 00:20:27,265
to make sure America
continues to be a place
520
00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:30,740
where guys like you can
get away with anything.
521
00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:35,101
♪♪
522
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,047
♪ And I'm with you ♪
523
00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,915
♪ Tonight ♪
524
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:42,891
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
525
00:20:42,916 --> 00:20:44,015
They got Sublime!
526
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,643
I see why Brett was so into this beer.
527
00:20:46,668 --> 00:20:49,680
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
528
00:20:49,705 --> 00:20:51,104
You didn't fail today.
529
00:20:51,129 --> 00:20:52,862
You failed the moment you tried to be
530
00:20:52,887 --> 00:20:54,697
a bad-ass business Trump like me
531
00:20:54,722 --> 00:20:56,596
instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump
532
00:20:56,621 --> 00:20:58,544
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
533
00:20:58,569 --> 00:21:01,008
[CRYING] I just want
to prove I'm responsible
534
00:21:01,033 --> 00:21:03,549
and get Brett Kavanaugh back!
535
00:21:03,574 --> 00:21:05,934
Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege,
536
00:21:05,959 --> 00:21:08,155
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
537
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,524
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
538
00:21:10,548 --> 00:21:11,981
[KAVANAUGH] Ahh!
539
00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:14,283
[KARAOKE HOST] And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
540
00:21:14,318 --> 00:21:18,688
Uh... how's everybody doin'?! Shut up!
541
00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:19,955
♪♪
542
00:21:20,135 --> 00:21:22,434
[KAVANAUGH] I don't
wanna go to Washington!
543
00:21:22,459 --> 00:21:26,604
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
544
00:21:26,629 --> 00:21:28,627
You belong on the Supreme Court
545
00:21:28,652 --> 00:21:30,352
deciding the reproductive fate
546
00:21:30,377 --> 00:21:32,721
of every single American woman!
547
00:21:32,746 --> 00:21:34,913
We don't have much time! Floor it!
548
00:21:34,938 --> 00:21:37,025
[MAN] Is this the end
of your presidency?
549
00:21:37,050 --> 00:21:38,316
When you came for Clinton,
550
00:21:38,341 --> 00:21:40,428
he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
551
00:21:40,453 --> 00:21:43,221
and hightailed it to
Harlem to write his memoirs.
552
00:21:43,246 --> 00:21:45,594
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
553
00:21:45,619 --> 00:21:47,636
on George W. Bush, he escaped
554
00:21:47,661 --> 00:21:50,162
to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs.
555
00:21:50,187 --> 00:21:52,263
And when you came for
William Henry Harrison,
556
00:21:52,288 --> 00:21:54,099
he got pneumonia and died!
557
00:21:54,124 --> 00:21:55,878
But America elected me
558
00:21:55,903 --> 00:21:58,103
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
559
00:21:58,128 --> 00:22:00,470
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
560
00:22:00,495 --> 00:22:01,973
- [MAN] Mr. President!
- [REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]
561
00:22:01,997 --> 00:22:03,075
[CONWAY] Get the hell out of my way!
562
00:22:03,099 --> 00:22:05,352
Mr. President, it's your shithead sons.
563
00:22:05,377 --> 00:22:08,412
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
564
00:22:08,437 --> 00:22:10,915
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
565
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:12,537
Sandblast the puke from his face
566
00:22:12,562 --> 00:22:13,929
and get him in that judge dress.
567
00:22:13,954 --> 00:22:15,086
We have no time to lose.
568
00:22:15,111 --> 00:22:17,677
♪♪
569
00:22:17,780 --> 00:22:20,147
[TICK ECHOES]
570
00:22:20,249 --> 00:22:21,391
Kavanaugh's on his way.
571
00:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,794
You need to stall until he gets here.
572
00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:24,118
I'm on it!
573
00:22:24,143 --> 00:22:25,963
[CLEARS THROAT] For my first stall,
574
00:22:25,988 --> 00:22:28,756
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
575
00:22:28,858 --> 00:22:33,325
Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii
576
00:22:33,427 --> 00:22:36,077
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
577
00:22:36,102 --> 00:22:37,484
Alright. What else? What else? Um...
578
00:22:37,508 --> 00:22:39,008
Ah, one of the old favorites!
579
00:22:39,033 --> 00:22:41,722
It was a beautiful September morning,
580
00:22:41,747 --> 00:22:43,113
not a cloud in the sky...
581
00:22:43,138 --> 00:22:45,037
[KAVANAUGH GROANING]
582
00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:47,127
I think he peed!
583
00:22:47,152 --> 00:22:48,985
Oh, good. That means he's alive!
584
00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:52,616
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
585
00:22:52,641 --> 00:22:54,063
Is this over yet?
586
00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:55,126
And, totally off the cuff,
I said What did I say?
587
00:22:55,150 --> 00:22:56,604
I'm meeting with Jeff
Katzenberg at 4:00.
588
00:22:56,628 --> 00:22:59,796
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
589
00:22:59,821 --> 00:23:02,607
Wait! Don't marry him or whatever!
590
00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:04,333
Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench!
591
00:23:04,358 --> 00:23:07,503
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
592
00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:10,396
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say...
593
00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:12,241
BLLUUGHHHH!
594
00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:13,865
There's nothing left to do now
595
00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:15,944
but accept our pitiful failure.
596
00:23:15,969 --> 00:23:20,071
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
597
00:23:20,174 --> 00:23:23,275
♪♪
598
00:23:23,454 --> 00:23:27,021
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
599
00:23:27,046 --> 00:23:29,145
should be able to pardon himself?
600
00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:30,870
[KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] I sure do,
601
00:23:30,895 --> 00:23:33,832
as much as I think you need a bath!
602
00:23:33,857 --> 00:23:35,140
[DON JR.] Got 'im!
603
00:23:35,165 --> 00:23:38,434
[NORMAL VOICE] Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
604
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,847
[KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] You
know what's even more not nice?
605
00:23:40,872 --> 00:23:43,505
Charging the president for his crimes.
606
00:23:43,538 --> 00:23:45,283
He is above us all.
607
00:23:45,308 --> 00:23:46,908
[ERIC AND KAVANAUGH IMPRESSION] Hee haw!
608
00:23:46,933 --> 00:23:48,399
Holy shit! He did it!
609
00:23:48,424 --> 00:23:50,645
He did the double-donkey hee-haw!
610
00:23:50,670 --> 00:23:52,246
[GRUMBLES] Who said that?
611
00:23:52,271 --> 00:23:53,271
- [CHOMPS]
- Aah!
612
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:55,159
He bit off his finger!
613
00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,984
I don't care if I go to jail.
614
00:23:57,009 --> 00:23:59,677
This is the best thing I've ever seen!
615
00:23:59,856 --> 00:24:02,223
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
616
00:24:02,248 --> 00:24:05,102
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
617
00:24:05,127 --> 00:24:06,894
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
618
00:24:06,919 --> 00:24:10,575
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
619
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,166
- then there's some keep-away.
- _
620
00:24:12,191 --> 00:24:14,358
But Kavanaugh did
submit a written opinion,
621
00:24:14,383 --> 00:24:16,283
which I have here.
622
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,540
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
623
00:24:19,565 --> 00:24:21,998
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
624
00:24:22,023 --> 00:24:24,688
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
625
00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:26,957
and Citizens United, the ruling to allow
626
00:24:26,982 --> 00:24:29,149
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
627
00:24:29,174 --> 00:24:31,079
to be two-for-one on Wednesdays"
628
00:24:31,104 --> 00:24:32,853
is one of the least-harmful decisions
629
00:24:32,878 --> 00:24:34,455
the Supreme Court has ever made.
630
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,112
♪♪
631
00:24:36,214 --> 00:24:38,859
So, are you allowed to
pardon yourself or nah?
632
00:24:38,884 --> 00:24:40,050
No one knows.
633
00:24:40,075 --> 00:24:43,173
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
634
00:24:43,198 --> 00:24:45,966
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
635
00:24:45,991 --> 00:24:47,418
and bringing him back here,
636
00:24:47,457 --> 00:24:49,579
no matter how bad it
made the city smell.
637
00:24:49,604 --> 00:24:52,605
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
638
00:24:52,630 --> 00:24:56,085
Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
639
00:24:56,110 --> 00:24:57,265
Even better!
640
00:24:57,290 --> 00:25:01,248
I'm making you CEO of Trump
Ventriloquism University!
641
00:25:01,273 --> 00:25:04,478
We're opening a
Ventriloquism University?!
642
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,140
It's more of a money-laundering front
643
00:25:06,165 --> 00:25:08,165
for which you will be
held legally responsible,
644
00:25:08,190 --> 00:25:09,389
but you're the CEO.
645
00:25:09,414 --> 00:25:13,147
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
646
00:25:13,172 --> 00:25:14,504
That's my boy!
647
00:25:14,529 --> 00:25:17,274
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
648
00:25:17,299 --> 00:25:19,099
We've got work to do!
649
00:25:19,124 --> 00:25:20,355
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
650
00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:23,603
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
651
00:25:23,628 --> 00:25:27,172
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
652
00:25:27,197 --> 00:25:29,642
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
653
00:25:29,667 --> 00:25:31,120
♪ Yes, he is ♪
654
00:25:31,145 --> 00:25:34,179
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
655
00:25:34,204 --> 00:25:36,926
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
656
00:25:36,951 --> 00:25:38,317
♪ Yes, he is ♪
657
00:25:38,342 --> 00:25:41,474
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
658
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:46,502
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
659
00:25:48,486 --> 00:25:50,118
♪ Donald Trump ♪
660
00:25:50,143 --> 00:25:53,579
♪ He is our president ♪
661
00:25:53,604 --> 00:25:56,838
♪ We made him president ♪
662
00:25:57,094 --> 00:25:59,328
♪ We did it ♪
663
00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:03,265
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
664
00:26:03,367 --> 00:26:06,335
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
665
00:26:06,437 --> 00:26:09,938
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
666
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,508
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
667
00:26:13,610 --> 00:26:17,112
♪ Yeah ♪
668
00:26:17,137 --> 00:26:19,237
Trump!
669
00:26:19,261 --> 00:26:24,261
- Synced and corrected by Firefly-
- www.addic7ed.com -
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