All language subtitles for 1984_OverTheBrooklynBridge

- Hey, Eddie, a container of coffee.
- I want some bacon with that.

- is that a big or a small?
- Alby, where's my egg cream ?

Eddie, one AIby's Special
coming right up...

Salami and eggs,
just give me a minute...

- Salt...
- Salt.

Just the way you like 'em
all the time. O.K.

Corn muffin.

Oh, my God, Eddie, here,
take this over, here, will you ?

All right.

- there's my container of coffee ?
- Coffee, here, Eddie.

- I wanted some bacon with that.
- Not too hard...

Eddie, I'll be back in a couple hours.

Alby, where you going ?
Eddie, here's the coffee.

- I'll tell you later.
- No, no, where you going, Alby ?

It's a surprise, surprise.

You didn't eat breakfast yet.
Your tie, you forgot your tie, Alby.

Top 0' the morning to you, Alby.
You'll be wantin' your paper now.

Later, Billy.

Unemployment went up again and so did
the gold, and so did the crime, now.

So what else is new ?

Hey, Alby. I hearyou'll be selling
the Iuncheonette soon.

Alby ! Where the hell you're going ?

Phil! I'll see you later. I gotta get
into New York in seven minutes.

- It's real important.
- Come on. I'll give you a lift.

You will ? You're a doll, Phil.

I'll never forget you for this.
I'll put you in my will.

How the hell're you going to make
New York in seven minutes ?

I'm crazy, I know, I know.

Hey man, are you crazy ?

Girls ! How 'bout a seven minute ride
to Manhattan ?

Come on Phil, let's go!

- Get lost !
- Forget it !

What's the good news, Alby ?

The Metropolitan, I'm meeting
the owner. He's finally ready to sell.

- You buying the opera ?
- No, the restaurant.

Wait 'til you see it, it's so classy.
Oh my God, Iforgot my tie.

No, no, you're not borrowing mine.

Oh, come on, Phil. You don't want him
to think I got no money.

- You don't have money, Alby.
- Don't remind me.

OVER THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE

Gentlemen, this is our latest model,
this is the Marie Antoinette model.

It's a halfgirdle,
just comes up over the pupik.

- You like ?
- Hi!

Now, this is our Merry Widow,
this is the Merry Widow model,

you see it's all one piece and...
Come over here-darling,

you see there's no straps on the bra.
It's all strapless. You like ?

Hi!

Now I can give you delivery on this,
I'll give you 500 dozen.

- Hi !
- 500 dozen. Wait a minute.

Long as five-hundred,
why not make it a thousand dozen, heh ?

Hi!

Hi I A thousand. Wait,
but let's make it two-thousand dozen.

Hi!Hi!

OK. 2000 dozen, that's 6,000,
that's a half a million to order.

Right, now,
when can you take delivery ?

I can give you delivery,
you can be in Tokyo next week.

- No.
- Can't take delivery.

- All right, next month.
- No.

- All right, next year!
- No, no, no, no, no.

Yay, no, no yay, yay, no.

Leonard ! Can I see you for a second,
darling. Come over here!

You brought these buyers in ?

You sure they're the same ones
from last year ?

- The same ones. I'm positive.
- Well, they're not buying.

Maybe they're too sophisticated
for this.

Let's give 'em the stuff we sell
to the sex shops.

Maybe that" get them hot!

This is our latest stuff.
This is not even out of the factory yet.

It's a black top with a red bottom.
A real ha-cha-cha-cha-cha, eh ?

- No, neeyah, no...
- Yay, no, yay, yay, no, no.

Herbert !
Give 'em a couple drinks.

Maybe they'll get shiker,
they'll buy something I

Let's get some more number twos
over here, blue.

- Hi, Rosie.
- Hello, Alby.

- Is my uncle in ?
- He's busy.

- Yah, well, I have to see him.
- So, he's still busy.

I still have to see him.

Alby !

Seymour! Seymour! Where's
the orders from them last year ?

You mean the ones
that we sent to France ?

Do they look like Frenchmen ?
What the hell's the matter with you ?

What am I talking about?

They're in my office. I know.
I know I left them there...

Yay, no, no, yay. yay. no, yay.

- Can I talk to you for a minute ?
- Alby, please not now.

It's very important
I have to speak with you.

- No.
- Uncle Benjamin...

- Seymour. Are these the...
- Let me see.

- These're the French ones.
- No, they're not the French ones.

- What?
- I have to talk with you.

- Alby, please, not now.
- Please, I have to talk to you.

- Something wrong with the family ?
- No, no, it's a business situation.

Business I've got here.
Please, Alby.

- But when can you talk with me ?
- Later, please, Alby.

- Later, when's later ?
- Later is later.

Here are your orders from last year.
Would you look them over, please ?

- When ? When ?
- When is when.

When comes after later
and later comes after when,

or whenever. I'll get here.

When I When I
When do you want to order?

Eeyay. Suzuki...
Company... Suzuki...

- Suzuki.
- Suzuki? What is Suzuki?

- Suzuki.
- What the hell is this ?

Motorcycles. They sell motorcyles.
You want to buy motorcycles ?

They came to sell me motorcycles ?

Leonard I
You brought up a Suzuki motorcycle

Uncle Benjamin, I have to talk to you.
It's very important.

Nobody's wearing brassieres anymore I
That's important!

Good, good, again.

Lovely, darling.

O.K., Cheryl.

Right this way.

- How was she ?
- Who ?

- Dream girl.
- You know I only have one dream girl.

You do, eh ? What is this ?

What's the matter?
You don't like the way I look ?

Are you ashamed of me ?

No, actually,
I can't keep my hands off you.

What is this ugly thing ?
You dressed for a kill ?

This is my lucky business tie.
I gotta talk to you.

O.K., meet me downstairs
by the elevator.

When will you stop ?

I happen to appreciate
fine works of art.

Seventy-five floors... I don't like it.

We don't have to take the elevator.
They've got a bar here in the lobby.

No, no, my darling, today I want
to go to the top of the world.

O.K.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Thank you.

So the guy'll sell me his restaurant,

and my Uncle Benjamin'll lend me
the money.

Keep talking.

Well, that's it... My uncle
is going to lend me the money.

Did he say so ?

I think I'm going to throw up.

Don't look at the floor indicator.

Hold my hand.

Take a deep breath.

Is he all right?

This is a behavioral
modification exercize.

As soon as my boyfriend gets rid
of his fear of elevators,

we start working on oral sex.

What did she say ?

Alby, just relax,
everything'll be all right.

Of course, I'm not worried.
He'll give me the money.

He'll give me the money.
He'll give me the money.

- He said he would ?
- Well, I haven't asked him yet.

Well, why are we celebrating ?

Cause I'm gonna get the money,
and I'm gonna buy the restaurant

and I'm gonna name it "AIby's Delight."
Do you like that name ?

- I think it's terrific.
- Great.

And I'll make it into the in spot
of Manhattan.

People are gonna wait on line
to get into Alby's Delight.

They'll come from far and near.

Elizabeth, do you know
what this means ?

We're moving up.
I'm getting out of Brooklyn.

- Alby, I love you.
- I love you.

I didn't know you knew how to skate!

- Neither did I.
- That's great. All right I

- Wanna race ?
- Yeah, let's, go.

O.K., shake it, but you gotta...
Wait...

Don't move.

- Can you breathe ?
- Who cares ?

- Are you gonna suffocate ?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.

- What are you doing ?
- I'm getting my morning exercise.

Alby, you've gotta get up. You have
to be someplace in five minutes.

Oh, God, my whole life depends
on being someplace in five minutes.

No, you've gotta get up.
We're both late.

- No, we've got 20 minutes, remember?
- No, we don't.

Oh yes we do, sweetheart.

Remember, you were going to set
the alarm 20 minutes early...

- I remember.
- So we wouldn't have to rush ?

- I remember.
- Oh, let's make the most of it.

Alby, I remember, Iforgot.

What time is it?
Oh, my God, I'm late.

Elizabeth, I'm late.

Relax, your lawyer's not going
to run away.

I know he's not going to run away,

but he's going to charge me for
every second whether I'm there or not.

Alby, why are you always so busy ?

Ah, well I'm busy, I got problems,
Elizabeth, I got lots of problems.

There's my lawyer, there's my mother,
there's my Uncle Benjamin,

there's the Iuncheonette, there's
my head, my aunts and uncles,

the New York Rangers,
the New York Knickerbockers,

the Dodgers, the Giants.

Oy, do I got problems. And above all,
the love of my life my darling shiksa...

Your darling shiksa
doesn't give you any problems.

Oh, yeah ?
So where the hell are the towels ?

Do you know what happens
when a diabetic cuts himself?

- He bleeds to death.
- I'm sorry.

On on top of that, I gotta go
to the fecakde wedding today.

But do you have to go ?

You crazy ? The Lflbliner Rebbe
is my third cousin,

and today he's marrying off
his one and only daughter.

The entire mishpucha's gonna be there.

The entire mishpucha, big deal.

O.K., which side ?

Left cheek.

It's OK.

Oh my God, Alby, you can't wear
that tuxedo to your lawyer.

Yeah, I know it must look funny,

but I'm not going to have any time
at all to change before the wedding.

What?
The cleaners sent me the wrong suit?

They sent me Willie Shoemaker's suit.
Oh, my God.

Wait a second, let me look.

No, this is definitely your suit.

No, this cannot be the same tuxedo

I wore to the Noodleman Bar Mitsva
four months ago.

It doesn't fit. How come ?

Alby, you're getting fat as a pig,
you've got an ass like an elephant.

Oh, well that's very kind of you,
Miss Philadelphia, and I suppose

you think you have a couple of
Yankee Doodles back there, yourself.

I thought you liked
my Yankee Doodle Dandies.

Well, I love
your Yankee Doodle Dandies,

but I can't breathe in this suit.

Relax, it's not gonna work.

Well what am I going to do ?
I don't have anything that fits.

I suggest you sit a lot.

It's a good thought.
I'll call you later.

- Alby !
- Elizabeth, I know the answer is no.

Why not?

Because it's a Hassidic wedding.
They're very, very Orthodox.

It's no big deal.

I know, just a lot of family
and friends close to one another.

Elizabeth, this is not a cocktail party.
It's the Rebbe's daughter's wedding.

What's a Rebbe ?

What's a Rebbe ?
A Rebbe is like the chief of a tribe,

the chief of the Hassidic tribe
of Williamsberg.

And I can't join the tribe
because I'm not Jewish.

That's right.
No, how can I explain it to you ?

- Look, even I can't join the tribe.
- Why not?

Because I'm not a Hassidic Jew,
I'm not Orthodox.

Then why did the Rebbe
invite you to the wedding ?

Because I'm a relative.

Do you understand ?
I belong to the Rebbe's family I

But Alby, where do I belong ?

OK, OK, if you really want to come,

if you really, really,
really want to come...

- Do you really want me to come ?
- I'm very late.

Alby ! Alby, your shoes!

And don't bleed to death.
Gimme a kiss.

And give my regards to your Rebbe.

Mazel tov I

Uncle Benjamin !

Uncle Benjamin I

- I have to talk to you !
- I'm not here now.

- I have to talk to you.
- I'm someplace else.

When can I talk to you ?

Get off from me I'm having a good time.

Uncle Benjamin !

Uh, Cheryl dear,
are you leaving so early ?

I'm sorry, I have to take my father
back to his home,

but it's so nice to see you.

- Good night, ladies.
- Good night.

My Becky dear, that's a wonderful girl.

- She's a schoolteacher.
- Too bad she's not married, yet.

She would make such a match
with your Alby.

Too bad she's a cousin.

- Who says she's a cousin ?
- I think she's a fourth cousin.

No, more like a sixth.

Don't you remember,
Charlie the clarinet player?

He used to go from wedding to wedding,
he never made a living.

Well, she's his cousin Sadie's
sister-in-Iaw's nephew Marvin,

and Marvin's brother-in-Iaw's niece.

Who's Sadie ?

Sadie is Benjamin's brother-in-Iaw's
cousin by marriage.

When did they get married ?
Why wasn't I invited ?

It was over ten years ago.

When did they get married ?
Why wasn't I invited ?

Alby and Cheryl ?
That would be a blessing.

Actually, it would be a miracle.
Lechaim.

- A little Iechaim, uh ?
- I'll take that.

I love a Hassidic wedding.

Yeah, you get a good workout
and you work up some sweat.

We should all have such a day
at your son's wedding, soon.

- Don't hold your breath, Uncle Seymour.
- Ala vy.

Well, Leonard is...
Leonard is still a baby.

- A 32-year old baby ?
- Look who's talking !

Why don't you get married first,
you're much older.

I'm younger than both of you
and already I have a daughter

and a pair of twins, heh ?

He made me a grandfather before
I was 40 years old.

- Uncle Benjamin, I have to talk to you.
- No, first I gotta talk to you.

Benjamin, first I have got
to talk to you.

No, first I'm gonna talk to you
and then you'll first talk to me.

- So what do we have to talk about?
- You still going with that woman ?

Benjamin, that woman
is the woman I love.

Alby, you've been going with that woman
for over two years now,

and you're not married
and you know it's wrong.

Benjamin, she's a wonderful person.
She's very nice to me.

- She is not one of us.
- So what?

So what, so what, so what !
So I can never show you off,

if you come to a Hassidic wedding
dressed like a like a baseball umpire I

Papa!

PapaI

Papa!

Mr. Goodman, Mr. Goodman,
your daughter is here.

Right this way.

Thank you, Mr. Sherman.

You don't have to be so formal,
call me Benjamin.

Alby, can I see you for a second,
please ?

Cheryl, you know my nephew,
Alby Sherman.

Alby, this is Cheryl Goodman.

- Hello, Albert.
- Hello, Cheryl.

It's very nice to see you again.
You look absolutely lovely.

Thank you.

We meet at every wedding.

What do you do between weddings,
Cheryl ?

I teach, during the day,
and I go to my encounter group at night.

Oh, that's very nice.

- I'm working on self-realization.
- Self-realization I

That's very impressive.

- Good-bye.
- Good-night, good-night.

Now, we have to go now, father.

See you at the next wedding.

- Cheryl's a nice girl, eh ?
- Very nice girl.

Why don't you take
Cheryl Goodman out?

Oh, please, Uncle Benjamin,
don't be silly. Cheryl's my cousin.

You don't want me to go out
with my cousin.

Don't be a yo-yo.
She's your fourth cousin.

That's even better than a stranger.

Please, Uncle Benjamin, I already have
enough sins hanging over my head.

Don't ask me to fool around
with my cousin.

Alby, I wouldn't ask you to do anything
I wouldn't ask my own son to do.

- Good, then, give her to Leonard.
- Leonard can't use her. You can.

Alby, she's 28, she knows how to cook,
and she's a virgin.

Are you sure this is where
you want to go, lady ?

Yes, thank you.

Can I help you ?

You look as one who lost someone.

May I find him foryou ?

Yes, I'm looking for Alby Sherman.
Do you know him ?

Of course I know him.
Who shall I say is looking for him ?

Elizabeth...

Elizabeth, Elishava, better, Batsheva.

She was the young girl who attracted
our good old King David

and made him sin.

And didn't she become his wife,
and bear him a son,

who later became King Solomon ?

Another sinner.

Oh, he was the king
who had a thousand wives.

The wisest of all kings.
You wait here.

Excuse me,
are you the Lubliner Rebbe ?

Alby ! Alby !

The Rebbe, the Rebbe I

- There's a young lady looking for you.
-Me?

Yes, her name is Batsheva.

- Batsheva ?
- Batsheva ?

Batsheva. She is waiting at the door.

Rebbe, are you sure
she's waiting for me ?

Elizabeth.

- Be nice to her.
- I'll be nice, I'll be nice.

She might teach you
a good lesson in Bible.

I'll learn, I'll learn. Mazel Toy.

You told me I could come, didn't you ?
Didn't you ? Or didn't you mean it?

OK, I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.

OK, so I said you could come,
but I never, ever said you should come.

- What's the difference, anyway ?
- Oh, it's a big difference.

If I say you should come,
then you should come.

But if I said you could come,
then it's... Elizabeth ?

Now you're mad at me, you
have no right being mad at me.

Look, I don't want you to be mad at me.
Would you please... ?

So how was the wedding ?

The girls weren't very pretty,
millions of mishpucha

and family all over the place.

How did the bride look ?

She had a pair of knockers like that,
like a football player.

If you dropped her in the ocean,
she'd never sink.

- Was she happy ?
- Well, she seemed happy.

- Shit.
- Well, what's wrong now ?

I'm so angry I

O.K., look, Elizabeth, if you've
got something to say to me, then say it.

O.K. There were no Albert Shermans
in Philadelphia where I grew up.

In fact, there were no Albert Shermans
in the private schools I went to.

And there were no Albert Shermans
in the private clubs

my family belonged to.

You were brand new to me
when I met you.

You and your ridiculous behavior.

Really, I have so little in common
with you.

I'm sorry, I really am sorry.

Put this on; I don't want you
to catch a cold. I apologize.

The Rebbe, he was very nice.
He called me Batsheba.

But the others, they looked at me like
I was a creature from another planet.

Well, you are a creature from another
planet. You're from Philadelphia.

Alby Sherman,
where were you this evening ?

What do you mean, where was I?
I was at the wedding.

People still get married, you know.

Oh, all of a sudden,
we gotta get married right away,

like the world was coming to an end.

And two years is all of a sudden ?

You know I love you,
isn't that enough ?

- No !
- Shiksas !

Ma I Ma I
I know I should've called you I

Yeah, I know, I won't do that again.
The place is startin to fill up.

Yeah, we're very busy. Business
is great. I'll speak to you later.

- Give me a brisket.
- O.K., a brigket ?

- Yeah. Make it quick...
- On a kaiser roll ?

Wait a second,
you want some pickle with that?

- O.K., an Alby's Special, right.
- Comin' up.

- O.K., come on, let's make it.
- Two eggs here for table two.

More than ten people at one time
and there's no room to breathe.

Who's got time to breathe ?

D'you think you're going to find time
to breathe in Manhattan ?

Oh, yeah, it's the big time, Marlena,
the big time, you understand ?

It's out of this neighborhood
and out of this joing I New York City I

It's uptown, where the broads are,
where the money is,

where a man gets a position.

You think the broads are prettier
in Manhattan ?

I say a deli is a deli.

Can you hold down the fort
while I'm gone ?

Maybe I'll let the Indians burn it down.

- All right! All right! I'm here.
- Ma ! What're you doing here ?

- You just told me you needed me.
- Who said I needed you ?

You did! I'm not deaf. On the phone
you just said you were busy.

Well, I can help my son.
I helped his father.

- Ma, just don't work too hard. O.K. ?
- I'll work the way I work, thank you.

- Did you hearwhat I said ?
- Yes.

Look, you want to go someplace,
you go. Where you going ?

I know where he's going.

- Hey, Alby ! Good luck, man.
- Just get your money ready, Eddie.

- So, Manhattan it is, Alby I
- Very soon, Billy, very soon.

Oh, the interest going up
and the gold coming down...

And inflation in the shithouse.

It ain't gonna be easy up there
in Manhattan. Right, Mrs. Sherman ?

What?

Uncle Benjamin.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting like this.

Why do you always have to look
like such a shlemiel, eh ?

I've been working !

Don't you ever take your clothes off?
Gimme a kiss.

You're your father's son.
You look like him, you talk like him.

Come I What do you want to show me ?

A sound business venture with dynamic,
growth potential !

- A regular gold-mine, eh ?
- Yeah I

With a little luck
and the right kind of management

you could call it a gold mine.

- In themeantime, what do I call it?
- You'll see !

This is it!

Great location, isn't it?

Let's go inside.
You'll see just how great it can be.

Look at this place, it makes
the Iuncheonette look like a toilet.

That toilet makes you a nice living.

- Big deal.
- Big deal, yeah, big deal.

Big deal... too big a deal.

Uncle Benjamin, it's not too big a deal.
Use your imagination.

- Can't you see...
- You're a dreamer, like your father.

- Please, keep Papa out of this.
- Don't be such a chochem.

- What's that mean ?
- A smartass.

Benjamin, I'm not a chocem.
Just give me a little bit of your time.

Look at this place I
Did you see the brick walls ?

It's really brick. And the bar!
Did you see that bar?

Look, I know I never ran a place
this big, but I want to try...

This try...
How much is it gonna cost?

Only three-hundred
and seventy-nine thousand.

Alby that's a lot brassiers.

Where are you gonna get
the 379,000 dollars, Rockefeller?

O.K., there's a mortgage loan for 300,
so I still have to raise another 79,000.

22,000 I'm gonna get from Eddie
for my place.

Eddie who ? Oh, Eddie
the schwartzer in your place.

Where did he come
into so much money ?

His family's gonna help him.
Black people help one another.

So now I'm missing 57,000.

Uncle Benjamin, in my whole life
I've never asked you for a quarter.

So I was thinking that if...

That's Mr. Giavanni over there,
the owner.

Tell me, how much is he asking
for this place again ?

I told you: 379,000.

- He's a gunev I
- Uncle Benjamin, are you kidding ?

We're stealing the place from him !
This is Manhattan, it's not Brooklyn,

Fifty-first street and First Avenue,
what a location I

And for the same price
he's throwing in the equipment,

the fixtures,
everything in the kitchen...

I don't care if he throws in the world.
He's still a gunev.

Did you bargain with him ?
I mean, really bargain ?

Call him over. I want to see him.

Uncle Benjamin, please,
I already made a deal.

A deal is not a deal until cash
changes hands. Then it's a deal.

Mr. Sherman I How are you ?

I didn't see you come in,
I'm sorry, how do you do ?

- Fine, this is my uncle, Mr. Sherman.
- Hello, how are you ?

- He may be involved in our transaction.
- That's wonderful.

You've got a very clever nephew, here.
He got himself a real bargain.

By the way,
we're not buying the place, yet.

Uncle Benjamin I

Don't shusha me, don't shusha me,
let me handle, let me do...

How much you want
for this little joint ?

Little joint ?
Hey, I though we had a deal.

I'm talking to you.

How much... how much
you want for the place ?

Three-hundred and seventy-nine.

- And that's it?
- That's the price, sir.

- All right, let's go home.
- What?

- Uncle...
- I cannot believe this.

- Uncle Benjamin.
- Let me take, let me do...

All right ! Three-forty.

Your nephew already took me down
from 400,000 to 379,000.

379,000 and not one dollar less!

Let me handle, let me handle,
let me handle him.

- I don't want to get him
- Let me handle it. Let me.

Mr. Giavanni,
would you like to sit down, please.

- Well, O.k., a second...
- Thank you.

Mr. Giavanni, you seem to like nines.
379, 379, 379...

Supposin' I made you an offer,
359.

- No. No. No. No.
- No. You heard the man. No is no.

- I had better offers.
- Uncle Benjamin, please !

- I tried, would you let me handle... ?
- I don't want, he's gonna get angry...

I got the rhythm going...

Mr. Sherman I
Mr. Sherman, come, excuse me I

Let me show you the place !
Now lemme show you the bar!

You never saw construction
like this in your life I

Look at the furniture. In the kitchen,
the ovens are brand new!

- You'll throw in the chairs ?
- Yes I

- And the ovens ?
- Of course ! Everything !

You see, now we're getting somewhere.

You see, he's starting slowly
to break down, little by little,

we'll get him,
we'll get him, we'll get him...

Mr. Giavanni, I get the feeling
you want to sell.

I'm gonna make you an offer you can't
refuse. Three-hundred and seventy I

I refuse.

- What is this ? Real silver?
- Yes. Good-bye.

My last offer, that's it, no more.
Three-seventy and that's all.

Good-bye I

Three-hundred and seventy's not
the last number in the world.

I'll make you
a United Nations settlement.

What the hell is
a United Nations settlement?

You want 379,000,
he wants to pay 370,000.

He wants to buy, you want to sell.

Why don't you meet
each other halfway ?

Let's say, 374,500 dollars.
A deal ?

- Deal.
- All right I

You ever make forty-five hundred dollars
in five minutes ?

Uncle Benjamin, you're a genius I

It's all in the rhythm.
He givesa little, you take a little.

- He gives a little, you take a little.
- You take a little, he gives a little.

- You're brilliant!
- What do you need ? 52,000 dollars ?

Well, I need sixty
if you include the lawyer's fee.

All right, let's say sixty.
So now let's say you got what you want.

- All right?
- Yeah ?

Now I'm gonna tell you what I want.

Alby, I want what your father
would want,

what your mother wants,
what the whole family wants.

Nobody is happy
with the way you live your life.

Uncle Benjamin,
what are you bringing this up for now ?

Leave her I

Albert, you will not be happy with
that blond tootsie from Philadelphia !

What are you talking about?

Don't you ever, ever raise
your voice to me again ! Ever!

Uncle Benjamin I

Alby, Alby, Alby, Alby...

Why don't you find a nice girl
named Rachel or Esther?

Or Cheryl ?
Betteryet, Cheryl Goodman, heh ?

- So what's wrong with Elizabeth ?
- Nothing, she's the Queen of England.

Uncle Benjamin, Elizabeth comes
from a wonderful family...

American aristocrats dating back
to the first settlers.

- What are they, Apaches ?
- No, they're Irish.

Irish I So, why don't you go to
your Irish aristocrats in Philadelphia

for your fekakde sixty-thousand ?
Why come to me ?

Because her family doesn't
approve of me either.

And you know what?
They're right !

Uncle Benjamin, Elizabeth is a modern,
intelligent, sophisticated,

sensitive human being.
She left home to be with me.

Why ? Why ? What the hell
did she see in you ? What?

- I don't know.
- That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You don't know her,
you don't know her people.

You're from different worlds.

I don't care about her people,
I care about her.

And I care about you !
Don't you understand ?

Alby, for once in your life
please listen to me.

Listen to me ! Taxi !
Listen to the voice of experience.

Taxi I Stick to your own kind,
for once in your life listen.

You'll thank me years later.
From years to now you'll thank me.

Hey I Why don't you watch
where you're going you Irish prick ?

Look who he's calling Irish !
I'm Jewish, you dago putz!

And I'm Puerto Rican,
you Jew bastard I

Did we leave anybody out?
How 'bout the Pollacks and the Chinks ?

Hey, don't take it personal.
It's New York. Thirty-third Street.

- The Garment Center!
- What else ?

Alby, come here I
Before I go and never see you again,

I want to give you one word of advice.

If you ever marry that Irish princess
from Philadelphia,

on your first argument
you're gonna hear: "Jew bastard !"

like this fellow just called me,
a Jew bastard I

You're wrong, Uncle Benjamin,
you're wrong. Elizabeth loves me.

She loves you she'll call you:
"I love you, Jew bastard."

That's what she's gonna say:
"I love you Jew bastard."

She loves me I

- You know what you need ?
- What do I need, Marlena ?

A wife, like me I
Someone to make you happy.

He don't deserve to be that happy.

All of a sudden the schwartzer's
a philosopher, here.

Eddie, shut your mouth.

Make me a hamburger.
Very rare, with some raw onion.

Raw onion ? Baby, in your mouth
it's like deodorant.

Alby, I refuse to sit here and
be denegrated by that black mamzer.

If I want to be denegrated,
I can go home to my husband!

You remember the way I

Marlena, gimme a break,
I got a headache, O.K. ?

Calm down, I'll throw in
a free cole slaw. Relax.

- I will accept his apology.
- One mouthwash burger, coming up.

- Oh, look at these beautiful broads.
- Hey Phil, how ya doin' ?

Alby, now I know
why you love this business !

One hamburger, rare, with onion.

Marlena, look how beautiful
she looks today !

Oh, God, no wonder she makes
the Good Humor man hot I

You think you're somethin' special,
Mussolini ?

Hey, I'm like wine made in the bathtub.

In a couple hours
I'll have you flat on your back!

Hey, Phil, what you so happy about?
Yesterday you were down.

Yesterday my wife said
she'd never divorce me.

Today she's thinking about it...

Alby, buddy,
when're you gonna finish here ?

Anytime, I'm finished.

- What? You don't feel good ?
- Nah, I got a lot on my mind.

O.K., come on, let's go look
at some bimbos, O.K. ?

- That'll do you good.
- O.K.

- What're you doing ?
- I gotta call Elizabeth.

No, call her later.
Listen to me.

It's better to make her sit and wait
and wonder where you are.

Come on now, Alby.
It's good for them.

Two dollars, two dollars.

Alby, there's thousands of them
all over.

I don't know what your problem is,
but I wish I had an uncle like yours.

Elizabeth and I have been going
together for almost two years.

So what? I've been married for ten
years and I'd leave her in ten seconds.

I got two of them at the bar.

We can knock 'em over like pigeons.

Girls ? How do you do ?

Why don't you join us,
we're sitting right there.

- I don't know.
- Come on, my name is Phil. Alby!

This man and I,
we first met in the second grade.

That's over thirty years ago
and we're still the best of friends.

- This is Cindy and...
- Paula.

Paula ? Paula. We just met
a minute ago at the bar,

and in 30 years if they keep in shape
we'll still be terrific friends.

I'm hungry.

I know a great restaurant
around the corner.

Shall we go ?

You gettin' married

and then for your whole life,
you can't dream anymore

about the girl you're finally
gonna get married to.

How perfect she is.

If I marry Elizabeth, the dream's over.

If you marry anybody, the dream's over.

They oughta put a skulll
and crossbones on the licence.

With an ass like that
she should be an angel.

Elizabeth is an angel... sometimes.

Oh, no one's an angel.

There's nobody I can't lay down
in five minutes.

Not even my wife.
Especially my wife.

I have my fun and she has hers.

- No.
- Yeah.

I got an insurance man
that thinks my life's so important

he shows up two, three times a week
to see how I'm feeling,

even when I'm gone.

That's a shame.

What's the matter?

I don't feel so good.
I think it's my diabetes.

What should I do ?

Get me out of here...

Oy, give my regards to Broadway,

remember me to Harold Square,
oy, gevalt...

You know, don't be stupid,
I can take you to a doctor.

No. No !
Take me home to Elizabeth.

She knows how to take care of me.

Oh my God, Alby, have you
been eating the wrong things ?

- No, he didn't eat nothing.
- He didn't eat I

What are you screaming for?

Hello, sweetheart, you look so pretty.
I like your pigtail.

Sorry about the wedding,
but the Hassidim...

- How much did he drink, Phil ?
- I don't know. A little, maybe a lot.

You want me to get a doctor?

No, just take off his coat,
I'll be right back.

Well, what do you want me
to do with him ?

Take him to the bathroom before
he gets sick all over the place.

- I don't feel so good.
- Where's the bathroom ?

It's upstairs.
I'll be there in a minute.

Holy shit !

- I can make it.
- O.K.

I can make it...

Here, Phil,
you gotta get me a specimen.

I'll be hearing Phil...

I didn't ask you to go to medical school
just get him to piss in the bottle.

You gotta piss in the bottle.

Come on, we got a job to do...

Come on, get up now.

Do my duty...

No, no, come on.
Come on, will ya, Alby ?

Come on, get up.
O.K., stand up nice.

Take this bottle. Go ahead...
Don't piss in your pants.

Zip down your pants, for God's sake.

I can't make it, Phil.
Do it for me ?

- Do what? Hold it?
- Do it for me.

Do it for him for Christ's sakes,
zip open his fly.

Good, it's out.
But don't pee on my hand

because I'm gonna lay you fall
on the floor.

It's no use, Phil, I need more help.

- More help ?
- I can't do it.

Try. You can do it. This'll help you.

It's no use, Phil, I can't...

Be gentle, Phil.

You son of a bitch I Elizabeth I

Oh, no.

- That's all he had to drink.
- It's late, Phil.

Oh, yeah. Listen, if my wife calls up,
you know where I was tonight.

I was with you and Alby, right?

Phil, I don't want to have to worry
about Alby when he's with you. Right?

Don't you ever bring him home
like this again.

Go home, go home to your family.

Phil, I'm sorry about your wife.

Come on, Alby, get yourself together.

No...

Hello ? Yes ?

Who's calling, please ?
Just one minute.

Alby, wake up.

It's your Uncle Benjamin
on the phone. Wake up.

- Who's on the phone ?
- Your Uncle Benjamin.

Oh, really ?

Hello.

Good morning, Uncle Benjamin.
How are you ?

Is this my nephew, Albert Sherman ?

Only child of my dead,
may he rest in peace, brother.

Is this Albert Sherman,
the restauranteur ?

Yes, it is.

D'you sleep good, Alby ?

I hope I didn't wake you and your
Irish princess from Philadephia up.

No, I mean, I mean, I'm up.

Good, good, so as long
as you're up, Alby,

I want you to listen carefully
to what I have to say.

Because you are stupid I An idiot I
A schmuck of the highest order.

And you're not playing it very smart!

Why do you say that ?

I get the feeling that you haven't told
the girlfriend yet.

For a guy that has to move fast,
I don't think you're moving at all.

Are you so rich you can afford
to kiss away sixty thousand dollars ?

Eh, you're wrong, you're wrong,
Uncle Benjamin.

Right or wrong, I'm right!

So you know what you can do now ?
You can take your darling shiksa,

and you can spend the rest
of your fecakde life

in Brooklyn in a candy store.
You idiot I

What possibly could that man have said
to you to upset you so much ?

Oh, it doesn't matter what he said.

- Is it the restaurant?
- Forget it.

- Don't you want to talk about it?
- No.

Alby !

I got an idea.
I think I know where I can go.

Where're you going ?
Don't you want to talk about it?

Not now. I'll call you later.

- Hey, is Phil in ?
- Yeah, he's in the office.

Yes, the eighteenth. That's right, sir.
Guaranteed eight P.M.

That's right, yes sir.

Yes, sir.

I wish I owned the company.
I wouldn't mind listening to that crap.

- What do you need ?
- Sixty-thousand dollars, Phil.

I got forty dollars, that help ?

I'm not looking to you for the money.

Brooklyn Trucking Company...
You want to go on the street for it ?

- Forget it, Alby.
- I just want to talk to the guy, Phil.

- No.
- I can handle it.

What happened to your uncle ?

I'm gonna live my life without my uncle.

I'm not gonna have him dictate to me
how I'm gonna live my life,

and that's the way it's gonna be, Phil.

- Go to the bank.
- I've been to three banks.

Alby, you don't want to mess
with these guys.

I'm asking you, Phil, I'm begging you,

just let me meet 'em,
let me talk to 'em...

Phil!

So that we understand each other,
these are the stipulations of the loan.

I give you sixty-thousand dollars
for thirty weeks.

You pay me back a hundred
and twenty-thousand dollars.

That's four-thousand dollars a week.

Now, you have a bad week,
you can't make the payment,

you still gotta pay.

You miss a day,
you pay us a little fine.

Five hundred bucks
for every day that you miss.

- Capisce ?
- Yes, Mr. T.

Now, I'm only doing this because
of my friend here, Mr. Romano.

He knows you, and I know him.

- Capisce ?
- Yes, Mr. T.

Alby are you sure you can handle this?

Good. Just one-thing more.

Sixty-thousand dollars is
a lot of money, Mr. Sherman.

You're gonna need a good cashier
to run your restaurant.

Louis I Louis I

Come on over here!

Louis is an expert cashier.
He ran a casino in Vegas.

Louis, I want you to meet our new
partners in the place we just bought.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. T.

You're not by any chance...
referring to my place ?

Your place is my place until you pay me
every last green dollar you owe.

Capisce ? Partner.

Excuse me.

- Sleep on this, overnight.
- Better sleep on it.

Mr. T ? My friend Alby's gonna
sleep over your generous offer.

I hope you don't mind.

- Watch it. Boss, this is Mr. Palumbo.
- Definitely.

Number 14, the firefly,
look at that shine.

Tracy Mills has done it again.

Number 15, and 16, sequinned sheaths.

I mean, if that isn't sexy, what is ?

If you could wait here just
a few minutes, I'll be right with you.

Number 28, evening sparkler,
two beautiful creations by Tracy Mills.

The next number, Number 29
is called the opera dress.

Number 32, midnight glamour.

Excuse me, there's a Mr. Sherman
here, he says it's urgent.

- O.k., can you keep this going ?
- Sure.

How beautiful.

Next we have Number 33,
dancing in the dark.

Yes, I'm Elizabeth Anderson.

Miss Anderson, I'd like to
speak to you just for a few minutes.

- Now ?
- It's quite important.

- I'm Alby's uncle.
- Oh, Mr. Sherman.

Yes.

- O.K., can we speak right over here ?
- Sure.

- How did you find me, Mr. Sherman ?
- WeII...

Let's say my nephew talked
about you

and we both sell to the same stores,
and I made a few phone calls.

What do you want?

What do I want?
I want a little peace and quiet.

Not a lot, just a little.

And where do you find peace
and quiet today, eh ?

Miss Anderson, I am going to ask
my nephew not to see you anymore.

He's a grown man.
He's free to do what he wants.

Alby's a grown man, but as grown-up
as he is, he's still growing up.

You're a complication in his life.
He doesn't know how to handle it.

- But you do ?
- I didn't come here to fight with you.

But be honest, young lady,
you've been going together now,

for quite a long time.
Nothing has happened.

Why not? You're an intelligent woman,
and not a bad Iooker,

but did he once mention marriage ?

I would like to explain
one more thing, Miss Anderson.

If Alby insisted upon you,

if he demanded that you were
the only woman in his life,

I would not be happy.

But, you must understand,
I wouldn't be here now, asking.

Look, you're very busy now.
I won't hold you up. Excuse me...

No, no, no, no, no, no,
please, please, no.

No, it's, it's nothing personal.
Nothing personal at all.

You're a lovely girl, I'm sure,

but, it's just that, you and us,
we're from different worlds.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Yeah, just a moment.
Hey Albert, it's for you.

- Who is it?
- Miss Philadelphia.

Hello, darling.

Right now ? Is everything O.K. ?

Well, OK, I'll meet you
at the promenade.

Right away. O.K.
Love you.

Hi ! What's the matter?
Is something wrong ?

- Alby, it's not going to work.
- What's not going to work ?

- You and me.
- I don't believe that.

- I don't want to see you anymore.
- Elizabeth I

I want you to come home,
pack your things and leave tonight.

Well don't you want to talk about it?

Don't you want to talk about it?

I don't have anything more to say.

Do you ? Something
you never said to me before ?

I love you I

We can't make this all in one trip.

I'm sure we're forgetting things.

We bought the stereo together.
Do you want it?

I want you to have it.

The taxi's here.

- What about the records ?
- You keep them.

I'm sure there's a thousand things
that we're forgetting,

but you've got a key.

You can come up during the day
when I'm not here.

You can even come tomorrow
while I'm at work. Leave the key, O.K. ?

Good-bye, Alby.

Do you think you have time for a
sugar-free soda and an Oreo cookie ?

I hope you're gonna take care
of yourself.

Sure. I got a lot to look forward to.

Yes, you do.

It's gonna take me a very long time
to get you out of my mind.

Alby !

Alby, the soup is getting cold.

Alby !

Are you all right?

I'm fine, Ma. I'm very happy.

So come I

Alby ? Albert, talk to me.
I'm not a stranger.

You spent your whole life
by these trains, you and Pop.

Ma, my whole life's passing me by,
just like the trains.

I'm gonna be thirty-six next month.
I feel left outa things,

not that there's many guys
got more than me.

But I always felt
like I was something a little special.

I didn't think I was just another guy.

I thought I was different.
Not much, just a little.

Your father used to sit on that chair
and talk to me just like that.

Alby, he was so smart.

And he worked so hard,
just like you.

Times were different then.
We were stuck here.

We were young and we met
the best.

Alby

You already made up your mind.
Go.

He would have been proud of you.
Like I'm proud.

God knows you stuck around
here long enough.

And anything you do, you will do.

Don't be afraid.

I'll be plenty afraid for both of us.

Are you still hungry ?
You want a little more soup ?

Can I help you, fair lady ?

Thank you, no,
I've found what I was looking for.

- Do I hear a trace of Belfast ?
- Ah, no just Philadelphia, USA.

Nice city, Philadelphia.

Good afternoon.

Yeah, may... Can I help you ?

Yes, I have something for Mr. Sherman.

Could you stick it in
the refrigerator, please ?

- Miss Philadelphia ?
- Uh, it's very important to him.

I have a fridge full of insulin,
enough to last him for a year.

Every morning I remind him,
and every other morning, he forgets.

He forgets on purpose.
He really can't stand the injections.

I know. Uh, would you like
to sit down for a few minutes ?

I'm his mother.

O.K.

It's wet outside, here, just sit down.

Maybe you'd like
a little something to eat?

A cup of coffee'll be just fine,
thank you.

You wouldn't like an Alby's Special ?

An egg cream ?
No, no thank you, Mrs. Sherman.

I've gotta watch it.
I'm in fashion, you know.

- You can watch it tomorrow. Eddie !
- Two AIby's Specials coming right up.

- You are pretty.
- Thank you.

Alby hides your photos,
but I find 'em.

I think you're prettier in real life.
Alby never talks about you.

In fact lately, since he moved back
home, he hardly talks about anything.

What happened ? I mean, did you
have a big quarrel about something ?

Excuse me. I'm sorry...
I have a big mouth.

- Hey, Eddie, how you doing ?
- Hey, Eddie, how's it going ?

- Hey, Mrs. Sherman, hi.
- Hi. Hi.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Yeah ? AIby's going with her...

- I really think I should be going.
- Alby'll be back in a minute.

- Alby shouldn't see me.
- I guess you're right.

It was really nice to meet you,
Mrs. Sherman.

Elizabeth ?
You know, my son isn't well.

And he's so unhappy.

Elizabeth.
Elizabeth !

Mrs. Sherman.

Mrs. Sherman !
What should I do with these ?

I don't know I
Give it to them I

Ladies, two AIby's Specials.
On the house !

- Come on, you can go to your uncle.
- I don't want to go to him.

I don't want to be nasty, you know,
but what the hell's Elizabeth ?

Hey, you've been knocking around
with the broad for a couple of years.

Why that long I'll never understand.

Cause she's nice, Phil, O.K.,
she's really nice.

They're all nice at the beginning.

Here, my wife, she was nice,
a hundred years ago.

Angela !

Angela I

What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy talking ?

Look at that. I used to think
she was as pretty as Raquel Welch.

And then what do I go and do ?
I marry her!

And who do you think you are ?
John Travolta ?

Hey, chuida Ia tua grande boca.

Why don't you wipe this kid's nose ?
Whatsa matter with you ?

They give you thirty minutes of laughs

and then they find out something
to tear your heart out.

Alby, your uncle wants
to buy you a restaurant

for dumping one broad
and taking up with another one ?

- Oh my God, what an uncle!
- Don't listen to him, Alby.

Go back to her, marry her
and settle down.

Oh, the voice of the second
generation Italian.

They don't cook
like the first generation,

and they don't love like them.

Alby, don't listen to him.

She loves you, you love her,
that's all that matters.

Angela, mind your business.

Alby, you don't really love Elizabeth.
You just think you owe her something.

She was always there, Phill.

I never thought about why it felt
so good just because I was with her.

Cause it wouldn't matter.
I'd take her someplace, anyplace

and she was happy
just because she was with me.

Yeah, lemme ask you.
You think you love her?

- You really love her.
- Yep.

Come here.

See that girl
in the shorts and the great tits ?

- Which one ?
- The blonde I

- Yeah, I see her.
- I want you to imagine somethin' now.

Make like you're sittin' here
by yourself...

And that little piece looks
over and smiles at you beautifully.

Yeah ?

Look down there, see her?
See her lookin' at ya ?

With those beautiful sexy blue eyes...
Look at her blonde hair.

And all of a sudden she stops playing
her silly little game

and walks over towards you.

She picks up her little blue ball
and throws it in the air

and then hits it toward you
so you can catch it.

And you catch it.

And then she's comin' right at you,
comin' to get her ball.

She flies over to you like a butterfly.

And with those knockers Ieadin' her on,
directly to you.

Tearin' her little white shirt apart.

There she is comin' nearer
and nearer and nearer...

You can almost touch.
Now you get to look at her really close.

So close you can smell her
and she's soft.

Ooh, she has lovely skin.

And she smells like a cocktail
of a hundred French perfumes.

Her arms go around your neck.
And she got that beautiful smell.

And she keeps whispering:
"I love you, I love you I"

And she's around you like an octopus,
and she's pulling you down and in

and you don't give a damn
about nothing and..

And ? What?

And, are you still in love
with Elizabeth ?

-Oh, you... such a...
- Like I am!

Alby I Restauranteur extr'ordinaire,
que pasa ?

What can I do foryou ?

Well you could ask me
to come inside, Leonard.

Sure, come on in, sweetheart.

Why're you here, booby,
a social visit?

Or is there something
I can help you with ?

Mommy, Papa, Alby's here.

I came to discuss something
with your father, Leonard.

- Oh, planning a coup, Alby ?
- No, Leonard. Nothing like that.

You know me.
Small potatoes as always.

Nothing to interest a big shot like you.

Oh, hello, look who came,
look who's here, look, look, look.

- Oh my I
- Hi, Uncle Benjamin.

Hello, hello, you wet!
Give me a kiss.

Nice to see you, Alby.

Uncle Benjamin, do you think we could
talk privately for a minute ?

Just a second.
Uh, listen, Leonard, darling,

why don't you go into the kitchen
and create some tea, eh, darling ?

Don't stand there, come on in.

You know I just realized
you haven't been over to my home

since your father passed away.

We weren't expecting company
but, come, sit down, sit down.

- Don't sit down I
- Don't sit down.

Benjamin, will you get him out
of my living room ?

He's dripping all over the whole house.

What are you worrying about?
Everything is covered with plastic.

A battleship couldn't do
any damage here.

- Come on, outa here.
- Where are you taking him ?

I'm taking him to the bathroom.

We live in the living room,
not the bathroom.

I want him out of my living room I

All right then, we live in the bathroom.
In the tub ! Go in the tub!

That's it, in the tub, in the tub I
That's it.

Yeah, well, what're you gonna do ?

Did you ever see anybody polish
plastic covers before ?

You know, I haven't sat in that room
since Leonard was born.

I keep slipping off everything.

- Uncle Benjamin...
- Yeah ?

I was thinking...

Maybe... Cheryl Goodman...

...isn't such a bad idea after all...

Bravo !

Bravo I

- Bravo !
- Bravo !

Did you like the opera ?

Ah, I loved it. I really
enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm glad we went. Once in your life
you should go to an opera. Just once.

We are creature of habit who defy,
excuse me, all common sense

in the way we conduct our lives.

We shout our insistence at following
rational modes of behavior,

completely dismissing and ignoring

anything that smacks
of creative anarchy.

By the way, I've thought of this
many times before,

and then in complete contradiction
to everything

we've avowed and alligned our lives
to do you know what we do ?

What?

Well, we proceed in a direction
which makes a shambles

of the very foundation
that we have erected

to support the hopelessly inadequate
priciples which feed our egos

while equating the ideals
which we have sworn to uphold.

All so that we can continue
with an ease of conscience

that should rightly be outraged

by this despicable
and perverted turn of events.

I know a guy who's perverted.

Well that is very interesting
but that's not exactly what I meant.

For instance last night I was
in a Chinese restaurant...

but sometimes you know, if you think
about something too much

it doesn't come through exactly
in the manner which you wish it would,

and what is it exactly that, I mean,
how do you see what I've said ?

And funerals... I often get funerals
mixed up with weddings.

I'd like to offer you a drink, Albert,
if you don't think it's too late.

Well, I don't drink, Cheryl, but you
could make me a cup of Sanka...

Nice place you have here.
It's very interesting.

Make yourself comfortable...

I know you're a diabetic.

All of this is sugar-free.

I don't think so. No, thank you.

Mind ifIdo?

Maybe later.

Actually, I'm doing a lot of gestalt
therapy in my work on self-realization.

- Do you know anything about that ?
- No.

Well, it all has to do
with self-awareness,

understanding what's going on
in the body as well as the mind.

So as to be more cognizant
with your feelings.

And then, if you take it
to a Zen orientation,

it enables you to act out our feelings

in a totally uninhibitted way.

It's like searching for the Tao.

Some people can do this
quite naturally. I can't.

But you can.

Oh, Idon't...

Which is why

despite the fact that
I find you crude in so many ways,

I also find you fascinating...

- Don't I
- What did I do ?

Back off !

Cheryl...

Don't move.

I'm sorry...

Cousin Cheryl,

are you...

You think that, we...

I don't know if...

Do you really think...

- Don't touch me I
- Excuse me...

I'll be in the bedroom.

Don't come in until I call you.

Alby !

Oh, Cheryl...

This is a sexual prerequisite
for me, Alby.

In about twenty minutes
I think I could get it on with you,

or if you said vile,
disgusting things to me, maybe ten.

Cousin Cheryl, I don't think
the family really knows you.

Don't touch me. Not yet.

Couldn't we just watch
the Johnny Carson Show ?

- What do you mean ?
- Well, I can't do this.

Why ?

Oh, give me a break, huh ?
I'm just a basic humper.

- Alby, you sadistic son of a bitch.
- No...

- Oh, yes, don't touch me!
- Cheryl...

Oh yes I You, you...

You take a simple, little intimate
moment of love

between two people

and you just misconstrue it
completely on purpose.

I don't want to discuss this with you
anymore, all right, Albert ?

Cheryl...

. Cousin Cheryl, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.

Please leave, Albert.

Please, please, please, please,
please, please, leave.

Cheryl... I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Leave, Albert. Good-bye, Albert.

- I didn't know you knew how to skate.
- Neither did I...

You're doing pretty, good, though...

- Hello.
- Hi.

It's late, Alby.

I know, I'm sorry,
I wasn't gonna call.

Is something wrong ?

No, nothing.

Everything.
Are you alone ?

It's late, Alby, and I have
to go to work tomorrow. I'm hanging up.

No, no, no, please don't.
Don't, Elizabeth, don't hang up.

All that remains is for you to sign
this one set of documents

which we give to him.

He signs copies of these,
which he gives to us.

Right here.

Go ahead, go on...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right...

And the last one...right here.

Good, I'll deliver these
this afternoon.

I'll see that you get your copies.

That's it?

Just be sure to give him a down
payment, and the restaurant is yours.

Hey, what do I owe you
forthe sandwich, huh ?

- It's my pleasure, it's on the house.
- Oh, thanks, all right.

- Alby, Alby, Alby...
- Go get'm Alby...

- Hey, good luck.
- Thanks for everything.

I'll have the signed contracts
in your hand by this afternoon.

All right! We're in business now!

I own it I Me, Alby Sherman I

I'm the owner of a restaurant
on the East Side of New York!

And I, Edward Obediah Washington
now own a Iuncheonette in Brooklyn.

- Lunch is on him!
- All right!

Fill your glasses, fill your glasses,
gonna make a toast.

Everybody fill your glass with wine.
Cheryl, a little wine ?

Thank you.

- Alby, a touch ? Just a touch.
- That's enough!

My father goes ahead and drinks
because he doesn't hear good...

And now, on behalf
of the entire Sherman family,

I would like to propose a toast
to our honored guest, Mr.Goodman,

and our special honored guest,
Miss Cheryl Goodman.

It's for us, father.

- Alby, I'd like to say...
- Not now, not now, darling.

- You told me to prepare a speech.
- I know.

Later, when the party gets dull,
you'll make your speech,

you'll pick it up.
All right, darling ?

Come, sit down, now.
Not now, all right?

Alby, Cheryl, from the bottom
of our hearts,

we wish you all the happiness,
all the prosperity, all the health

and everything that goes with it.

- Lechaim !
- To you ! Lechaim!

No,no,no,noI

I forgot the everything !
Excuse me, I forgot the everything !

And everything that goes with it. Alby.

- Lechaim, now Iechaim, heh ?
- Lechaim.

- Order whatever you want.
- Benjamin, a blessing, a blessing I

Whatever you want, order, order,
it's all good.

What'sa matter, Alby, you didn't eat.

I guess I'm not that hungry,
Uncle Seymour.

Seventeen-fifty a steak, heh ?

Take a jog around the block
and get up an appetite.

Mind your own business, Herbert.

What'sa matter,
something wrong with the meat?

What, he doesn't like the meat?

Sometimes meat
doesn't agree with him.

It's good meat.

Mr. Bigshot, I suppose you think you're
gonna serve better in your own place.

Alby, if you're not gonna finish it,
maybe I'll take it home with me ?

So, he's not hungry, that's all!
He's not hungry.

His mind is not on the meal.
His mind is on his new restaurant,

and his new way of life, and settling
down. That's what his mind is on.

He should eat the meat.

All right! All right, all right!
Enough already, enough !

The discussion of the meat is over.

Shoy... All right? Next course.

Are you all right, Albert ?

No, not really.

Albert, everything's O.K., huh ?

- You havin' a nice time, Ma ?
- I'm having a very nice time...

Cheryl is a very nice girl.

Nice restaurant.
The food is good.

Good, that makes me very happy.

- Ma, Cheryl and I are gonna leave, now.
- Gonna leave now ?

It was a wonderful dinner
and a terrific party

and I want to thank you for everything.

- We're gonna say good night.
- But, Alby, the dinner's not over.

It is for me, Uncle Benjamin.
Mr. Goodman ?

- Good night, Cheryl.
- Good night.

- Alby ! I ordered dessert.
- I don't want dessert.

Now look, Alby, we went to the trouble
to tell them to make it without sugar.

- That was very kind of you, Aunt Ruth.
- Alby, Alby, just sit down, that's all.

- I don't wanna sit down.
- Alby...

I'm asking you to remember
where we are.

I asked you to sit down.
Now I'm telling you: sit down I

Excuse me, Cheryl, Mr. Goodman,
I'll just be a minute.

Can I see you alone for a second ?
Ma, it's OK.

Uncle Benjamin...

You've been telling me what to do
ever since my father died.

And you haven't said anything new
to me in years.

I'm gonna take you outside,
and I'm gonna teach you some respect I

Everybody, please,
it's only a small misunderstanding.

- I'm sure we can settle it.
- Herbert, sit down.

You just said something to me
I will never forget. Never!

Come on, Uncle Benjamin,

will you stop taking your anger out
on the whole Goddamned family!

You've got guts with everybody
except your own wife I

Oh, please, look, will you sit down.

He's not worth the trouble,
you ungrateful ingrate I

I don't think I have to listen to this.

Oh, come on, Leonard, you sit down
before I turn you into chopped liver.

- Oh yeah ?
- Yeah!

Well then, I'll listen.

Alby, we're a family.

I know, Uncle Seymour, Aunt Sarah,
I love you. I really do.

Why don't you buy them
a condominium in Miami?

Uncle Seymour's been breaking
his ass for you for thirty years, now,

burying himself
in those thousands of bills

for those ugly brassiers
you're manufacturing.

Buy them a condominium, huh ?
They've earned it !

I think you're being very unfair, Alby.

Uncle Benjamin has shown
all of us his generousity.

Oh, come on Herbert,
stop kissing his ass.

You're a capable guy.
You can make it on your own.

You graduated college
with straight A's, didn't ya ?

And what do you do all day ?
Packing, packing, packing...

For fifteen years, now,
he's got you packing.

Besides, he's gonna leave everything
to the putz !

Herbert, sit down, please.

My husband makes a living.
I am proud of him.

Ma, I'm gonna make you
into a grandma.

Which girl ?

Now, you have insulted your mother,
you've insulted all of us.

No ! My Alby is the politest boy
in this family.

Tell them you didn't mean
to insult them...

Ma, please.

Oh, no, Becky you are wrong.
Your Alby is a schmendrick.

- He was always a schmendrick.
- And you are a fabisna paskudniak!

- Ruth I
- No I Don't you shush me I

He is a schmendrick. And a schlemiel!

He's insulted the Goodmans,
he's insulted us,

he's insulted the whole Sherman family !

No more I No more I

And I thought we gathered here
to celebrate his engagement.

I shall never forget
this day as long as I live.

Cynthia, I am engaged
to someone else..

Engaged ? When did that happen ?
Why wasn't I invited ?

Look, you don't understand.
I have a girl.

Another girl,
and I'm gonna go home to her now.

God, Becky, why wasn't I invited
to your son's engagement?

Cynthia, I wasn't invited.

Ma, I hope you're not ashamed of me.
But there's someone else.

- Yeah, I know.
- You know ?

Yeah, of course I know.

I know I What do you think ?
I'm deaf and dumb ?

Well, maybe you're not, but we all are.

And here's Papa spending all this
money on a false engagement I

We're the fools here, if you ask me.

Leonard, nobody's asking you
to be a fool, just a mensch.

- Hey, Pop, it's your money.
- Leonard, this is not about money!

I think we should all go home.

Notjust yet, Herbert, I'm actually
beginning to enjoy myself.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute,
we're all talking so much

we're forgetting about the one
who's heart is being broken.

Cousin Cheryl, theres someone else.
Someone I've known for a long time.

I tried to get her out of my mind,
I really did. But I couldn't.

I hope you can find it in your heart
to forgive me because I really am sorry.

That's all right, Albert.

I feel that we may have been
incompatible

in one very essential function.

Oh, I'm sure we would have worked
that one out, Cheryl.

Come, father.

- Good night.
- Night, Mr. Goodman.

- It was a very nice dinner.
- Don't touch my father!

- Cheryl's a nice girl, Alby.
- Yeah.

Alby, you'll find another girl.

- But I love Elizabeth.
- She's not Jewish.

- So, what is she ?
- Irish.

Irish Catholic or Irish Protestant?

What's the difference,
you gonna join the revolution ?

- You think maybe she'll convert ?
- How do I know, Ma ? I hope so.

Alby, you can find another girl.

Marriage is a partnership.
It's not a love story.

- But I love her, Benjamin, I love her.
- But we made a deal.

But you can't hold me to this,
Uncle Benjamin, this is my life.

- I'm holding you to it!
- Uncle Benjamin, will you look at me ?

You're looking at the luckiest guy
in the world.

I finally met somebody I wanna
spend the rest of my life with,

do you understand ?

I could go my whole life without
ever meeting anyone like that,

and I met her!

So we are here to celebrate,
this is my engagement party

and the dinner's on me, OK, folks ?

Order dessert, champagne,
it's all on me.

- We made a deal I
- No deal.

We agreed.

Here's your check back,
Uncle Benjamin.

There's no deal on my life.

Albert Sherman I

You never use your head.
Never use your head, Alby.

No one ever talked like that to me.

My family, my place of business,
the people I associate with...

Never, in a restaurant I

In front of my family,
in front of friends, strangers !

No, my son Leonard was right.
You did make a fool out of me I Afool I

- Ben !
- Benjamin !

Uncle Benjamin,
I'm in the same restaurant as you.

Same people ! Same family !
My mother's here.

She thinks I'm a man.
At least I hope she thinks I'm a man.

Oh God!

- You hit me ?
- Uncle Benjamin...

You hit me ? Me you hit?

Ben, Ben, be careful I

- Why ? Why would you hit me ?
- Uncle Benjamin, control yourself.

- Why ?
- Stop it I

- You hit me !
- Uncle Benjamin !

- You hit me, you hit me.
- Control yourself, Uncle Benjamin.

- You hit me...
- Uncle Benjamin...

- Ben I
- Albert!

- Stop that !
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just like my brother.
You fight like him.

Are you all right?

- Uncle Benjamin. Are you O.K. ?
- I'm OK. I love you.

I love you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Alby I

Please, please.

Please ?

I love you.

Thanks.

Alby, you'll give Cheryl some flowers ?

Yeah ?

It's over. What's wrong, it's all over.
It's finished, that's it.

Come on. Come. Sit down.

- Now, Iechaim.
- Lechaim.

You know, Papa, we can always
stop payment on the check.

Benjamin !

Mommy I Oh, Mommy!

Not one word ! Nothing !

Elizabeth I

Elizabeth !

Elizabeth I

You scared me !

You're embarassing me.

After all those things you taught me,
I'm embarassing you ?

Alby, please leave.

I can't. I'm crazy about you.
Sweetheart, look at me.

How'd you like to spend the rest
of your life with a sloppy diabetic Jew,

who someday is gonna be
a top restauranteur ?

I love you, sweetheart.

I want to spend every moment,
of every second,

of every minute, of every hour
of every day of my life with you.

To honor you,
and to cherish you until the end.

Just you, baby, nobody else.

Will you marry me ?

I'll think about it.

Except for first you have
to meet my family in Philadelphia.

What do you say
we try something tonight

that even
we'll be ashamed of in the morning ?

THE END