All language subtitles for Tacoma.FD.S03E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Mm.
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes, yes!

He's got nothing.
No chance!

- Yeah.
- He's got nowhere to put it.

- No, no, he's out.
- He's done, he's done.

That's what I thought.
- Hold on, hold on.

- Oh, oh.

- Okay.
- Come on, yeah.

- Come on, Terry.
- Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

- I think he's done.

- Oh.

- No, no, no.
He's done.

- Yeah!

- Yeah, I'll never let you
forget this, Terry McConky!

Never!

All right, crank up
the Foreigner.

- Hey, welcome to
"Hook and Chatter."

The TFD sports podcast.
Episode eight.

- This podcast is brought
to you by Alohair,

The number two
of two Hawaiian-themed

waxing salons in Tacoma.

From eyebrows to low brows,
our deals are so good

you'd be macadamia nuts
not to come by.

First topic, LeBron, Kobe,
Michael Jordan.

Who's the best of all time?

- None of those guys!

It's Dirk Nowitzki,
and I'll tell you guys why.

- Wait, what?
- Nowitzki?

You're crazy, man.
What are you talking about?

- I'm trying out a new persona.

The guy with the hot takes,
the contrarian?

- You sound crazy.
- How do podcasts make money?

- Computer, the--
- Ads.

How do you get ads?
- Having content that is--

- By getting subscribers.
How do you get subscribers?

- From TV.

- Contrarianism, hot takes.

You know, thinking outrageously
outside of the box.

- Bickering creates
a fun dynamic.

- Yeah, slamming people's
good too, right?

Especially if they
don't deserve it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Hey, we should
all be hot take guys.

- That sounds great.
- Yeah!

- No, no, no.
- Ike.

- I'm just kidding, guys.
I'm being contrarian.

I'm being a hot take guy.
That's what you do, right?

- And we're back.

- Nowitzki?
Are you crazy?

He's only got
one championship.

- It doesn't matter.

I believe he's the best,
and here is why.

First of all, he's German.

How do you get better
than Germans?

- Are we really
buying a boat together?

- Yeah, you know it.

Look at this baby, huh?

- Mm, I've always wanted
a boat.

- I came up
with a great name for it.

The Hook, Line and Sphincter.

- Why is it always
dirty with you?

- What are you talking about?
The name is hysterical.

- Why don't we try something
like, uh, like Laurels

'cause that's what
we're resting on.

Our laurels.
The Laurel.

- Come on, Terry,
live a little.

Boat names are supposed
to be naughty puns, okay?

I got another one,
The Glory Hull.

- Ugh.
- Huh? Hmm?

- Gross.
- You don't know.

- How about
The Terry Cruise?

- You wanna name your boat
after an actor?

- What actor?
- Terry Crews.

It's Tom Cruise, sweetie.

And it's a pun.
Terry cruise.

- Never mind.
- Ugh, you're so dumb.

- I think it should
be a fun pun.

Yacht-Sea.

Do you get it?
Yacht-Sea.

- Yeah. Yeah, no, we got it.
S-E-A, right.

- Um, Vicky.
- Yes.

- Eddie and I
are buying the boat.

- Mm-hmm.
- So that means Eddie and I

are gonna name the boat.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it your name on
the bank account or our name?

Because if we're both
going to buy the boat,

we both can name it, okay?

- Owned.

- All right, let's just
come up with a name

we can all agree on.

- I got another one.
Two firefighters on the ocean.

Let's call the boat Hot Sem--

tonight's MMA heavyweight
title fight

just so happens to be
at our very own Tacoma Dome!

- Bah!

Champion Stipe Miocic
versus challenger

Bobby Ferapolis.

Stipe is considered
the greatest

heavyweight of our time.

How do you like his chances?

- I give him no chance.

I think he's gonna get KO'd
in round three.

I mean, he's clearly
lost his step,

and his footwork is a mess.

- I'm gonna go one step
further here, fellas.

I say he gets knocked out
in round two.

- Oh!

- Guys, Stipe
is so predictable.

All he does is leg kick,
leg kick, leg kick, leg kick.

Maybe after he gets
knocked out,

he can get a job
with the Rockettes.

both: Oh!

- I'll do you one better
and say

he gets knocked out
in round one

'cause he's over the hill.

- I bet I could
beat him up too.

- I heard he's
a terrible father.

- Eddie, I don't wanna have to
register as a sexual predator

because of the name
of the boat.

- All your name ideas blow.

Fishy Business?
Come on, dude.

- How about we call it
Shrimp My Ride,

'cause you're such a shrimp?

- I'd actually be okay
with that

because it would be a constant
reminder of the time

I crushed you in that shrimp
cocktail eating contest.

- What? You never beat me
eating anything.

- I did beat you, Terry,
right here in this very spot.

And I remember 'cause
it was the same day

you went on your first date
with Vicky.

- Oh, right.
- I don't think I've ever heard

the full story
about your first date.

- Sure you have.
Eddie set us up as a prank.

- No, I know that part,

but I've just heard
like bits and pieces.

- Well, Eddie thought we didn't
have anything in common,

but as usual,
Eddie was wrong.

He also forgot we almost went
on a few dates in high school.

- Ehh, I'm not so sure
about that, honey.

- No, I'm sure we did.
- Uh, no. Nope.

That didn't really happen.
- I'm positive.

- Oh, my God.
Your memory sucks, dude.

- I wanna hear the full story.
Come on.

- Okay. Okay.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

It was before Jimmy Bleeder
opened Bleeder's Steakhouse.

He had another restaurant
called Pounders

where you order food
by the pound.

- Ugh.
- It was pretty good.

Well, that night
I got there early,

and I was looking
pretty sharp,

but I had some
major butterflies.

So I ordered a pound of onion
rings to settle my stomach.

And that's when I saw Vicky,

and she looked incredible.

- Of course,
she looked incredible.

She's a Penisi.

- It took her a while
to see me.

But when she did,
the sparks flew.

And I gotta tell you,
I made all the right moves.

I was suave.

I was charming.

I was sophisticated.

Everything was perfect,
including the cuisine.

We had a great time,
except for the butterflies.

They got the best of me.

She ended up
taking care of me,

and that's when I knew
she was the one.

We went on six dates
in three weeks.

And the rest is history.

- That doesn't sound
like a prank at all.

Sounds like Uncle Eddie
killed it.

- Yeah, well, I'm glad you
believe in fairytales, Lucy,

but that's not
how it went down.

Let me tell you
what really happened.

- That was the best
podcast so far.

I bet you we double
our subscribers after this.

- Cha-chingo!

- It is out in the world.

- That fast?
- Oh, baby.

- Oh.
- Hi. I'm Rosa Roberts.

I work with Stipe Miocic,
the UFC fighter.

- Yeah, and I am the monster
from "Stranger Things," hi.

- And I'm the Masked Singer.

- Yeah, and I am
the professor--

Hall of famer Willie Mays.

- How can we help you?
- I handle PR for Stipe.

You may not know this,
but when he's not throwing down

in the ring,
he's a firefighter.

And when he travels, he likes
to visit local fire stations.

He's outside in the car.

- Okay.

- Okay, who put you up to this?
Was it Jiménez?

- Classic Jiménez.
- Yeah, I'm sure he's still

mad at us
about those murder hornets.

- Hey-yo!
- Holy shit.

- What's up Station 24?

- Stipe.

- Granny.
- Stipe.

- Kaponko Myawani.
You can call me Andy.

- Stipe.
- Stipe.

- Ha, that's cute.
And you are Stipe too?

- Yeah--no.
Well--

- Anyway, you guys--
beautiful station.

- Stipe, look,
they have a podcast.

"Hook and Chatter."
I love it.

We've got approximately
23 minutes

if you want Stipe
to do a drop.

- Nah.
- That's not necessary.

- Ugh. I love podcasts.
I have my own.

It's called
"Stipe or Not Stipe."

Kinda like Shakespeare.

So what do you guys
talk about?

- Nothing.
- Sports.

- Ah! Sports!

Dude, let's do it.
I'm an athlete. Perfect.

- No, don't worry about it.

- Yeah, you don't wanna
waste your time.

- Stipe has millions
of followers.

It'll boost
your podcast instantly.

- Still, no thanks.

- Do you not know
how podcasts make money?

- Is it from subscribers
and subscribers

or is it because
of contrarianism?

- Seriously,
I would love to do it.

- Let's take some pics,

record the podcast,
and get going.

- Awesome.
- Okay, cool.

- We gotta delete the podcast.
- I know.

- Lucy, the Penisis
are legendary pranksters.

Vicky and I have been
going head to head

since we were kids.

- You remember that time
I made you believe

you were gonna be
on the "Wheel of Fortune?

- I was 12.

- Oh, what an idiot.

- But anyway,
with this prank,

I came up with the prank
to end all pranks.

I was gonna set Vicky up with
the biggest buffoon I knew,

Terrence Leslie McConky.

And he was perfect.

I told him I wanted
to hook him up with my sister,

and he was so excited.

So excited he even touched
my hair, which is a no-no.

And that's when part two
of my plan came into play.

So the day of a date,
I challenged Terry

to a shrimp
cocktail-eating contest

knowing that a gut full
of shrimp would make him

even more unappealing
than he already was.

- No, hold on.
That did not happen.

- Oh, yes, it did.

- So Vicky got
to the restaurant,

and she was looking around
for the guy

she thought
I was setting her up with.

And when she saw Terry,
she looked like she ate a bug.

- Hold on.

How do you know
how she looked?

- I was there.
- Bullshit.

- I was.

And I was looking real good,

with the clothes,
the mustache,

the drink, the hair,
but none of that mattered,

'cause once that
shrimp cocktail kicked in,

all hell broke loose.

- I did not puke.

- Yes, you did.
Vicky, back me up.

- Yeah, you puked.
- Ba-boom!

- All right,
maybe I got a little bit sick,

but Eddie was not there

and I did not lose
a shrimp-eating contest.

- I don't understand.

Why would you do that
to your friend?

- We weren't friends.

- What did you say?

- We weren't friends.

- And this is
our briefing room.

- Looks just like
my briefing room.

This is where your chief
stands and says,

"Do I make myself clear?"

- That's it.
- I love it. Exactly.

- That's exactly
how he does it every time.

- Should we follow you,
Granny?

- No, I'm just going
to the bathroom.

- Perfect, it's a good time
for Stipe to go too.

- Ooh, good idea.

- Then we'll do the podcast
and get going.

- To the bathroom.
Hey, when we leave...

- You guys gotta delete this.

- But I don't know
how to do that.

- I don't know how
to do it either.

- Yo, Granny, come on,
nature calls.

Whoo-yeah!

- Went to our first Mariners
game together in seventh grade.

- It was a school field trip.
There were like 200 kids there.

- You were the best man
at my wedding.

- Family obligation.
Vicky kinda made me.

- Oh, come on Uncle Eddie.

I've heard plenty of stories
of you guys,

and they all sound like
the premise of a buddy film.

- Name one.
- "Bad Boys,"

"Beverly Hills Cop,"
"Lethal Weapon."

- You're not dumb, are you?
You're joking, right?

- He saved your life.
- And I lost a nut doing it.

- Yes, and while I feel
your pain there,

that still didn't
make us friends.

- Okay, fine. We're not buying
a boat together.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Hey, just got to clear
some space for memory.

- Better, man.
I could talk all day.

- Yeah, Stipe uses up
mad gigabytes.

- Friends call me "Mr. Gigs."
- Oh.

- For all the mad gigabytes
I use.

- There it is.

What needed to be deleted
is deleted.

- So you cleared up the memory?
- I did.

- All the memories
have been deleted.

- We are good.
- Yeah.

- Wow, man, you guys are
serious about your drive space.

- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this!

All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to another episode
of the "Hook and Chatter."

- Brought to you by Alohair.

- Tonight, we have a very
special guest for you.

You may know him
as a UFC heavyweight champion,

but we know him
as a firefighter.

- And I know you guys
as my brothers.

- Thanks, man.
- Man.

- Give it up for Stipe Miocic.

- Hey now!

- So Stipe, you are in Tacoma
for your big fight tonight.

Are you ready for it?
- So ready.

- I just wanna jump in here
and say

I think you're a great dad.

I mean, some people
might say otherwise,

I don't know
why they would do that.

I would never personally
say something like that.

But just so we're
clear on that.

You ready for the fight?

- Hell, yeah, I am.
Hey, listen,

I'm hanging with
my new best friends.

- Oh, hey!

He's talking about us.
- Hey.

- You are unreal, man!
- Oh, gosh.

- All right, guys, hey,
I gonna get going,

but I wanna hear
your predictions for tonight.

- Oh, well,
you're definitely gonna win.

KO in the third round.

- I'll go one step further

and say you'll put him to sleep
in round two, champ.

- Excuse me.
Hot take, round one.

- I love it. I love it.
- Thank you, Stipe.

Good luck tonight on the fight,
and thank you out there

for listening to another
episode of "Hook and Chatter."

- Ah, man, you were great.
- That was so fun.

Hey, brothers, I'd go into
a fire with you anytime.

- Come here, man.
- Buddy.

- Oh, man.
- Man! Ah!

- Granny, Andy, Little Stipe,

parting is such sweet sorrow.

- Ah.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- Cool.

- I love you guys.

- Hey, go get him, champ!

- For a guy who punches people
in the face for a living,

he's a really,
really nice guy.

- Right? Nice.
- I know.

I feel so guilty for everything
we said about him.

- Right.

- Stipe taught me
something today,

and now I'm a better person.

- He has that effect
on all of us.

Son of a bitch.

- Come here.

- I love you guys.
- I love you guys.

I was really scared.

I was really nervous.

- Okay, you're not
Lucy's godfather anymore.

- Oh, really?
- And you're not her uncle.

- Hold on.

- Well, Terry, you can't
really declare that.

- I can and I did.
- Okay. Knock it off.

- But he said
we're not friends.

- He's just trying
to push your buttons.

Now, both of you have a seat,
and I am going to tell

the story
of what really happened.

- We should take the rest
of the shift off

and actually go to the fight.

And hang out
with him afterwards.

- Dude's been training
for months.

He's probably ready to party.

- Hey, we should offer to pay
the change fee for his flight

and take him out
to the engine house

for like beer wings
and shuffleboard and stuff.

- A whole night on the town.
- Yeah, he'd probably love it.

- It's Stipe.
- No way.

- Ha-ha, dude!
- Hey man,

you're on speakerphone.
How are you doing?

- What's up, man?
We're all here, my brother.

- I just wanna let you know
that Rosa downloaded

your last podcast for me
while we were taking pictures.

My left is slow?

- What?
- My footwork sucks?

I should join the Rockettes?

- No, no, no, no.
- I'm a terrible father?

- That was a hot take.
- I've got a hot take.

You're fucking dead!

I'm coming back
to kick your asses!

- Put it away.
Put it away.

- I told you a podcast
was a bad idea.

- Just wait,
I can't think straight.

Is that a hot take?

- I should have
seen it coming.

Eddie said he set me up

with the hottest probie at 24,
Dak Blunt.

- Did I say hottest?
I meant sweatiest.

- You thought
Dak Blunt was hot?

- But I did marry him.
Settle down.

I wasn't a fan of Pounders,
but I went,

and when I walked in,

the first thing I saw
was Eddie's friend.

- He wasn't my friend.
- Okay, yeah, we get it.

Anyway, the guy was finishing
off a pound of onion rings,

and ehh, I didn't wanna
make it weird,

so I avoided eye contact
while I looked for my date.

But then I saw Eddie.
He was behind a plant.

And you had
that stupid mullet.

- If by mullet you mean
my sweet ass pompadour,

then yeah,
it was a mullet.

- And I realized
I'd been duped.

- Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap!
- So sorry to interrupt--

- Can we have the rest
of the day off?

Just the rest of the day off?
- Hey, you know better.

You're in the middle of
a shift, go roll some hoses.

- Ah!
This way, this way.

- Anyway...

I knew that Eddie thought
he had pulled off

this epic prank.

So decided to enjoy myself.

- And then your father puked.

- You didn't enjoy
our first date?

- No, Terry, you puked up

like a hundred shrimp
and a pound of onion rings.

- How could you even
eat onion rings

after you
ate all that shrimp?

- What do you eat
to settle your stomach?

- I don't.

- How do you not remember
the shrimp-eating contest?

- Oh, you know what?
I do you remember it now.

I won.

- I also realized

that the only way
to get back at Eddie

was to go on a second date,
and a third, fourth,

fifth, sixth, whatever it took
to ruin the prank.

- Hold on.
How far did this go?

Was I born as a result of you
trying to ruin Eddie's prank?

- No, I ended up enjoying
myself on the second date.

And after the third date,
it wasn't about Eddie anymore.

I was looking forward to
spending time with your father.

I thought he was
sweet and funny.

- So would you say it was

a love-after-the-third-date
kind of thing?

- I thought it was love
after the sixth date.

- Wait, was that
the first night we--

- Oh, God.

- Stop it.
- Yes. Yes, it was.

That was the night
I found out

what a phenomenal
and generous lover Terry was.

- Oh, Mom, so gross.
- Disgusting.

- Guess what.

He still is.

- Oh. Oh, God.
- Ugh.

- Hm.

- Do you think the three
of us could take him together?

- There's only one way
to find out,

but I don't wanna find out.

- Should one of us look
to see if he's here?

- No way.
- "Rock Paper Scissors."

- Okay, okay, okay.

- One, two, three, shoot.

- Hey boys.

- Oh, God!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Dude, it's all just one
big misunderstanding, okay?

- You broke my heart!

- We didn't mean any of it.
We were just being contrarian.

- It's time for night-night!

- Seems like the joke is really
on you, Uncle Eddie.

You set them up
and all these years later,

they're still in love.

- Yeah, you're welcome.
You wouldn't exist without me.

- I think it's safe to say
Eddie's prank backfired on him.

- Still better than anything
you ever pulled.

- Is that what you think?
- Yeah.

- Luce, Let me tell you
about another one.

A few years later,
I had a Swedish hairstylist.

She was great at hair,
but she was a horrible person.

She was here on a work visa,
and she wanted to trap a man

and marry him,
so she could get a green card.

- You didn't.
- I did.

I knew you couldn't pass up
on a tall, blonde,

beautiful Swedish woman.

So I set you up.
And then what happened?

- I married her.
- You married her.

- Aunt Ulsa?

She's the reason
I love lutefisk.

- Me too.

- And after she got
the green card,

what happened?

- She divorced me
and took half my money.

- She was a great hairdresser.

And that was a great prank.

Oh, my God.

- Holy shit.

- Oh, oh, oh, and while
you two were bickering

over whether or not you were
friends, I bought the boat.

With my money.

You're welcome to join
me on the Yeah Buoy

anytime you want.

- Oh, no, you didn't.

- It's a good name.
- Not the hair.

- B-U-O-Y.

- Love you, Mom.

- Bye, babe.
- Wow.

But still,
the burning question remains.

Who can really eat
the most shrimp?

- Mm.

Ahh.

- Oh, you don't look
so good, Terry.

- I feel great.
- You gonna quit?

'Cause I'm not.
- I like my shrimp extra veiny.

- So do I.

That's where
the taste comes from, bitch.

- Stipe Miocic is pounding
Bobby Ferapolis

with his left hook.

You can tell he got
some extra practice--

- Are you guys ever gonna
tell me what happened?

I told you, Luce,
he beat us up.

- You're sticking
with the story

that the UFC heavyweight
champion came here

and kicked your ass?

- Yeah.
- If you say so.

- He's got a fire
in his eyes.

- Man, he's got
shitty footwork.

- Don't say that.
- Mm.

They keep getting better.

You okay?
Do you wanna stop?

- Oh.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yes!

Yes!

I will never let you forget
this, Terry McConky.

Never!
Ha-ha!

- Go.
- I'm going.

- It's your turn.
- I know whose turn it is.

I'm concentrating.

- Does your fly help you
concentrate?

- Yeah, it does.
Getting air to the other brain.

- Ah!

- That reminds me of when I
beat you in the shrimp cocktail

eating contest twice.

- You never beat me
eating anything.

- Damnit, Terry!
Yes, I did.

- Two.

- Would you like me to cut
your shrimp into smaller pieces

so it'll be easier to chew?

- No!
- Ah-ah.

- Okay.

- Oh, watch the hair! -

I need a nap.

- You give up?

- I give up.
- Again.

- I'm gonna go watch
"Judge Jenny Jr."

- Oh, I'm coming with.
I'm coming with.

Whoa. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Oh, my sciatica!