Original subtitles

God dang it.

Dang it.

- What's wrong with your... - Battery's dead.

Well, you should have put some new ones in there.

You should have checked 'em!

Don't turn the lights on.

Burglary 101, keep the lights off.

There's no one home.

It's Christmas Eve.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And he's out of town. - Yeah.

- He's away, so... - He was working, like us.

- Well, let's... - We have a lot in common.

Why don't we start working then?

Oh, my gosh. You look good.

You gotta quit skipping leg day, though.

- Well, yeah. Maybe, perhaps. - Yeah, yeah.

I think, uh...

Let's make some things disappear...

- Yes, sir. - From the magician's house.

Yeah. Yes.

Yes, very good idea.

- All right. All right. - Get everything in there.

Turkey, check.

Stuffing, check.

So what am I forgetting?

What's for dinner tonight?

You'll find out if you help me.

- You said you'd be coming back. - What can I do?

They don't give us leave, even at Christmas.

- Dad, I can barely see you. - I'm sorry, honey.

There's not much signal here.

Why did you have to go work on an oil rig?

Hey, that's not fair.

Liam, come on. That's no way to treat your sister.

You'll regret that stuff when you're older.

Okay, my turn now, kids.

- Bye, dad. - Bye, kids.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, merry Christmas.

You miss your brother, don't you?

Christmas is the worst time of year for...

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas.

What are you doing with that?

It's an antique.

- It's just an old book. - It might be priceless.

If you want it so bad, then put it in the bag.

I'm gonna put it in the bag.

What did... Did you not cut the wires?

I forgot!

- That's burglary 101! - Okay!

- Okay! Okay. - Let's get out of here!

How come we never have any snow?

The last time was 10 years ago.

Aww. I want snow for Christmas.

Well, sweetie, it's nice to have a dream.

Hello?

The magician's house?

You're kidding me, right?

Do you know what day it is?

Can't Murphy go?

Okay. All right. I'll be right there.

- I knew it. - Don't say it.

You don't call a baby sitter on Christmas Eve!

Mom, for sure they'll send a coldblooded killer.

Do you wanna find us in pieces in the fridge?

That's right, mom. Do you wanna find us

in pieces in the fridge?

She won't be a coldblooded killer.

And don't you dare call me with your usually baloney stories.

What baloney stories?

It was all true.

The baby-sitter zombie who wanted to eat Olivia?

And the one speaking Egyptian with her eyeballs rolled back?

Mom, I swear Olivia was floating in the air and...

Hi. I need... yes, merry Christmas to you as well.

I need a baby sitter.

You usually send me Monica.

We don't want Monica.

She's not available?

Great.

Beth? Wendy? Julia?

None of them?

A new one.

No! A new one, no!

Send me the new one.

Oh, it's the cops.

Grab the bag. I'll find a way out of here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I have it.

It's a prank. Nobody's a thief on Christmas.

Wrong. Once a thief, always a thief.

If at least dad were here...

As soon as I leave, use the door jammer,

and only open up for the baby sitter, okay?

- The coldblooded killer? - She's not...

If anything at all should happen,

remember the panic room.

But use the door jammer.

All right, ma.

- Don't forget. - I won't forget.

Mm.

Love you.

Do we eat the ice cream straight from the container?

We'll drown it in chocolate sauce.

- Cops! Cops. No, no. - Oh, wait.

No, no. Come on. Over there.

- Let's go in here. - Yeah. No, you.

Oh, hold on. Hold on.

Let me pick the lock. Got the little...

What is it? Okay.

All right. Okay.

Oh. Oh.

Hey!

Get up, frank.

Get up. Get off.

You wolf.

Get up.

My god.

Now, where are we?

Who are you?

Ohh.

I am frank, and this is Vince.

We should use fake names, you know.

Yeah, of course, but...

Cool! They sent Santa to be our baby sitter.

Yes. Yes, we are your baby sitters.

That's right. We work together.

Mm-hmm. We're a team.

We're partners in crime.

Not crime. I mean, that's an old saying.

- Old saying. - No crime. No crime.

- It's just a silly word. - You're not Santa claus?

No, I am Santa claus, but I'm also the baby sitter.

- And I'm an elf. - He's an elf.

- Oh, ho ho ho. - Wow, how nice.

Hey, honey, please, uh,

you take your hands off of that, because...

No, no, no. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

- How did you get in? - We got in from the...

We came in the front door.

- It was locked. - It was locked,

but again, I am Santa claus, and I can come in...

- It's magic. - Let me explain.

There's a fire in the fireplace.

Normally I come down the chimney, but again...

And blow out the fire, like the candles.

You know what? I was gonna do that.

And I thought why not wait 'til the kids are here

and put on a little show if I blow out the fire?

'Cause that's what Santa likes to do.

- Oh, look at that tree! - Wow!

Let's go... Let's go check that out, kids.

What time do you guys go to bed? Soon, I hope.

It's time for bed, I think.

- I don't go to bed. - Really?

Well, I like to stay awake.

Give me that phone,

because I think you probably should not have it.

Mom gave it to me in case of trouble.

Oh. Where are your mom and dad tonight?

Dad is on an oil rig.

And mom went out for a burglary.

- So she's a thief. - No, dummy!

She's a policewoman.

Oh. Really.

- Great! - Okay.

- Good idea, frank. - Whoa.

Ho ho, man.

Wow. Tell you what, we know a lot of cops,

and your mom is by far the most attractive.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.

- Listen, uh, you little kids. - Mm-hmm.

You happen to have any whiskey around here?

'Cause I need it for baby sitting.

There's water. Anyway, the name's Liam.

"Hello, young man. What's your name?"

Never heard of it? It's baby sitting 101.

Yeah. Yeah, Liam.

Listen, you're right.

He doesn't need whiskey while he's working.

But he does need something to take the edge off.

Fill a glass about that full, and bring it to my friend.

And my name is Olivia.

How sweet.

Well, Olivia, you like those two guys?

They're the best. Santa claus!

Yeah, right. Santa claus.

Here's the deal, Vince.

'Til the dust settles, we gotta play along.

So from this moment on, we are the baby sitters.

All right?

We're not gonna be tying these kids up, okay?

- That's kidnapping. - Hmm.

And maybe you should stop stealing stuff from here.

Kids okay?

Hope so.

- Come on. Let's go down here. - Yeah.

Here's your water.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, nice kids.

- Boy, that's... that's... - Got your water.

- Take your water. - Thank you.

Uh, thank you so much. I really need it.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Mm-hmm. - So what's your plan?

Let's read this.

The plan is... oh, honey,

oh, oh, don't...

What... oh.

Well, this, uh...

This...

This is...

- This is a book. - Read! Read!

Uh, I-let's watch TV.

I mean, let's be honest.

I don't watch TV. I play on it.

You feel like it, Olivia?

Okay!

Holy moly!

Okay, I'll read.

There ain't no way out of here. Hmm?

Well, that's good, 'cause I gotta read this book.

Okay, here we go. Well, um...

Uh...

- There. - I knew that.

I knew it was upside down.

It's a story about, uh, friends in the attic,

which doesn't seem very christmassy.

- Seems a little... - What are you talking about?

It says, "arctic friends."

"Arctic."

Read. Read!

Does it?

What a drag, a book.

You got any firecrackers in that bag? Weapons? Grenades?

What's wrong with you, son?

It's Christmas Eve.

Have a seat, kids.

Have a seat.

Wow.

- Where are we? - Alabama?

No, that's an arctic fox. His name is swifty.

Mm-hmm.

And his name is p.B.

"Perfect burglar."

It stands for "polar bear."

Another fox, Jade.

What a cutie that Jade the fox is.

Birdies!

No, honey. They're penguins.

Actually they're puffins.

There aren't any penguins in the arctic.

They're moving! Yes, like an iPod.

He's a walrus, Otto. I don't like him one little bit.

Hmm. I don't mind this walrus. He looks sleek.

Read the full story. Book!

Yeah, the last one. It's almost bedtime.

What are you talking about? It's still early.

Early? Usually I'm already sleepy by this time.

What are you, a chicken? What is this place?

It's a package delivery office.

Hmm?

They're obviously friends.

But what do swifty and p.B. Do for a living?

Ah, they deliver packages.

Ugh. Looks tiring.

Shh. Let's see what happens.

They look like a cool couple.

They work, eat, and go to sleep.

Swifty's small like me.

Yeah, and he can barely hold the packages.

It reminds me of calgary back in '96.

We escaped by dog sled,

which took us to the jewelry store, where...

How come you were escaping?

We were just playing cops and robbers.

He'll never do it. The sled is way too heavy.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Kids, always avoid work.

Back in Dallas in '94, I worked in a hotel,

and it was hell.

Swifty, he's just like Vince's fox.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, there might be a slight resemblance.

Doesn't look like him one bit.

Didn't even look at him.

First package delivered.

It's great when you finish a job.

- Ah-choo! - Ugh.

Looks like the baby sitter that came last time.

Aw, gross. Why doesn't she blow her nose?

I told you she was really dirty, like Amanda.

Wow. Dodged it by a hair. How gross.

What super luck.

I don't mind this story,

but this goat is disgusting.

She reminds me of Vince when he gets a cold.

I know how to write my name, too,

but at my age, Liam didn't even know how to sing.

Is it true, son?

No, I could sing.

Ugh, that's gross.

Heh. Look at... look at how ugly that big, old goat is.

You never tell anybody that he's ugly.

Mommy says who is ugly to others can be beautiful to some.

So young and wise.

You're a real sweetheart. You know that?

Mark the words of uncle frank.

"Uncle frank."

Aha.

I wonder who he has to deliver the second package to.

It's Jade.

She's a pretty good mechanic for being a, uh...

I mean a fox.

Hmm?

When I grow up,

I want to be like her.

A fox?

No, an engineer.

How sweet.

They're in love.

- Blecch. - You're such a baby.

Lady big girl has spoken.

Kids, be good.

Hmm. Hmm.

This icky stuff grosses me out.

It's not icky stuff.

Mommy said we shouldn't be ashamed of our feelings.

I'm not ashamed. It's that being in love is silly.

All right. 'Cause, anyway, I know you like her.

Now whose turn is it?

Swifty has a ton of packages.

He has half the town to deliver to.

Ugh. So tiring.

He should find an easier job, like mine.

Baby sitting is easier?

Um, sure.

Especially with kids like you,

who go to bed when the baby sitter says so.

We are not sleepy at all.

Okay.

A little more time then.

Uh-oh. Something's fishy here.

I have to say

that these puffins are cute, but I don't trust them.

Well, in the meantime,

I'm starting to like these little guys.

Hey, the puffins want to steal the package.

That's why I like them.

It's not right.

You shouldn't ever steal.

Swifty works so hard to deliver the packages,

and these puffins only want to annoy him.

No, not at all. They only want to have some fun.

Poor swifty.

As I said, he should change jobs.

Come on, swifty. Fight back.

Oh, the package broke because of the bad birds.

Hmm. This is a really fantastic book, Liam.

Where are we?

That looks like a frozen Alcatraz.

Oh, boy. I'm starting to feel tired.

What about you kids?

No, this story's too cool.

I think Otto's the bad guy.

Bad guys are the best,

because they get straight to business.

Well, who decides who's bad and who's good anyway?

Uh...

- Ah-ah-ah-ah. - Hmm?

Ah-ah. The package was for him.

Serves him right.

Who's that?!

You expecting someone?

The baby sitter, but that's you, right?

Yeah, yeah, we're the baby sitters.

But you know what? I'm gonna get that,

because, ahem, there's a lot

of scary people out there on Christmas Eve.

You guys sit right here. Okay.

All right.

Hello.

I'm the baby sitter.

No, we are the baby sitters.

Yeah, we... We got it covered, so...

- W-We're good. - Good evening.

Fine. It's $200.

- That seems reasonable. - Sure.

Yeah, that's fine. You know what?

We're gonna double it 'cause it's Christmas Eve.

Have a good... night.

Santa, you pay me now.

- Right now? - Love... I'd love to,

but we don't have any, um...

- Do you have pockets? - No, I have no pockets.

He's wearing tights. We have no money.

We'll pay you tomorrow for sure. I promise.

- I'm dressed an an elf, okay? - Yeah, he is, and I'm Santa.

Uh, sorry, Santa. That's not a good idea.

- It's the only idea. - Get out of here.

Yeah, get out, please. Leave the neighborhood.

Unreasonable. Please pay me now.

I'm not gonna pay you now, okay?!

Do you hate Santa claus?

You're terrible. You're a terrible person.

- Bye! - Stay out of my house, please!

- Okay. - Who was it?

Oh, it was a noise complaint about my reindeer.

- We didn't hear them. - Yeah, I know,

'cause I made 'em... be quiet.

Listen, I'm so hungry.

Is there anything to eat around here?

- Fridge is full. - Really?

All right. Thanks, then.

- That's wonderful. - All right.

All right, let's go. Okay.

- Okay. - All right, here we go.

We have any hot dogs?

Let's see what they got here.

Oh.

Oh. Hmm.

- Oh. - Mmm. Mmm.

We better get back in there before they get suspicious.

Bite?

- No, thank you. - Okay.

Hmm.

Yes! Another story!

Fine. I read this one, and then you go to sleep.

No way. Let's see what happens.

Jade is reading a book.

So we are reading a book

about someone reading a book.

Kind of philosophical

and the perfect story for bedtime.

Oh, the poor boy.

Shouldn't ever eat fast. Mommy always says so.

Oh, cool. They taught us that move in school.

Now I can save anyone who's choking.

You know, books kept me great company

when I was in prison... I mean the hospital.

Hmm.

How long were you stuck in there?

Phew. A long time.

You know, I was a very sickly child.

What was wrong with you?

It's called chronic robberitis.

Did it hurt?

Well, uh, only when the doctors noticed me.

Did your elf buddy help you in the hospital?

Well...

No. You know, that's the thing about life, hon.

Sometimes you're on your own.

Aren't you two doing everything together?

Uh...

Not unless I can't find anything better.

Swifty's only nervous.

The fact is he likes Jade.

He doesn't know how to tell her, so he becomes a pain,

like Liam when I want to do my homework.

It's not me being a pain. It's you being boring,

the most boring younger sister on planet earth.

That's not true. It's only because I like to go to school.

Exactly!

Kids, don't get excited.

You're supposed to fall asleep soon.

And you shouldn't like school.

See? Also the baby sitter says so.

That's such an awful thing to say.

No kid likes school. That's the way it is.

But anyway, don't tell your mother I said that.

You're such a cool baby sitter.

Well, thank you.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm? Hmm?

Uh-oh. Looks like swifty messed up again.

Oh, my god. Is it gonna explode?

Hmph. Hmph!

Now you see? She sent him packing.

Nah, she's just a bit angry

with all the ruckus he made, but she likes him, too.

It's just that sometimes you need to be strict.

- Now you talk like mom. - And I think she's right.

It's a real shame that swifty and Jade hate each other.

They really like each other.

If he likes her so much, why doesn't he just kiss her

and get it over with?

Oh, Vince, ever the romantic, you.

The book scared her.

Finally a little suspense.

I really like scary stories.

Then why are you shaking like a leaf?

I'm not shaking.

Gah!

Frank, I'm scared.

Oh, no, sweetheart. Uncle frank is here.

Don't worry. You should just relax,

- close your eyes... - Aah!

What a fright.

Eh? Oh.

Oh?

Ah, it's Jade.

Of course. Because even if sometimes you argue,

when you love each other,

it's always best to stick together, like us.

And you, too, uncle frank.

True, sweetheart. If only you could fall asleep.

I bet you're drawing that stupid fox again, ain't ya?

It's not swifty. It's you.

It is?

- Yeah. - Let me see that.

Looks like a little kid drew it.

Like someone even younger than you.

It doesn't matter,

'cause I know you're good.

You know I'm good?

Well, now, I don't think anybody's ever said

anything that nice to me in my whole life.

Thank you, sweetie.

Let me sing a lullaby.

♪ The bars are all clos... ♪

No! I want another story!

Okay then.

Another story, it is.

Okay, Santa.

Here we go.

But this is the last one, okay?

Maybe.

I'll take that maybe for a yes, okay?

Maybe.

Oh, you are definitely smart children.

Jade gave 'em a new sled.

I told you she was in love.

Cool. I want a sled like that, too.

Wow. It would be super fun.

Wow. Way to go, swifty. He ripped it off.

No, you don't steal,

especially not from friends.

Well, not from friends, for sure.

Whatever. I want a sled, too, for going to school.

Too bad there's never any snow here.

Hmph. Hmph.

Ah.

Mm. Ha ha.

Boo. How slow p.B.'S going.

Yeah, so slow.

Oh, makes me fall asleep.

What about you guys?

No!

Ah.

Eh? Eh?

- Who's she now? - Hmm.

Reminds me of someone.

To me, as well.

My aunt claudetilda, she was really unpleasant.

I don't like those puffins one little bit.

They surely want to play some prank.

Well, maybe they're just nice people,

nice, happy people.

Aww.

Meh.

Hey, where's she going?

A wig? But then it was Otto!

I hate wigs.

I wore one in Columbus for a...

Uh, I mean, for Halloween.

I'll never wear another one.

Huh.

That's Liam's. For Halloween,

he dressed up like a Barbie zombie.

You have to tell everybody this story, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Whew.

Well, well, well.

Hey, kids, run upstairs,

and see if my reindeer are making noise on the roof.

Go, go, go. Go.

Nobody's home.

What are you doing now?

Too blond? I know.

Brunette would make me look... look thinner.

I know it's risky,

'cause mom's a cop, too,

but I don't want to get beaten up on Christmas Eve.

Wow.

Nice tights.

Hmm.

Things are getting worse.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing back here?!

First Santa, now a woman.

I'm not Santa!

That Santa's in there! I'm a woman!

Hey, you, pay our sister.

Get out of here. You, I gave you a chance.

I tried to be reasonable!

You guys are losers!

I'm not paying you...

Cop! Hey!

Help. Help. They're... They're trying to beat me up.

There they go! Officer! Officer!

- Everything okay, ma'am? - No, it's not okay.

- There were two of 'em, right? - These guys...

Dressed like Santa claus and an elf?

- Three! There's three! - Three?

These guys are trying to beat me up!

Go... go inside, ma'am.

Lock the door.

I'm gonna lock the door.

I'm gonna come down and tell you all about it.

You won't believe it. Okay.

Hey...

What do you think you're doing?!

Don't worry. I got it.

You're not gonna open the door!

- Yeah, I am... - No, you're not!

- There's a cop out there! - I know. I called him.

You're not going out there. You're crazy.

Okay. Oh, who's that?

- Okay. Hey. - I don't know.

Ma'am, are you a relative of Emma's?

No. I'm the baby sitter.

- Are the kids okay? - Yeah, the kids are fine.

Okay, I know you think you're looking for two men.

Well, there's a third one, and it's a woman, okay?

And she's the ringleader, and she's awful,

so you gotta get her, okay?

Okay, ma'am. We... we got this.

- Okay. Okay, I will. - Lock the door.

All right.

To all units, thieves headed northeast...

You gotta get out there and get her right now!

Don't lollygag! Go! Go! Go!

To all units...

Okay.

What is wrong with you?!

It's personal, Vince.

- I don't care. - I do.

You want a hot dog? Come on.

- Yes, I do. - All right.

- Thieves headed northeast. - Let's go.

The sooner we nab 'em, the sooner we can get back home.

Okay.

Listen, the baby sitter,

the cops, out of the picture,

so let's take the bag and get out of here.

- Let's do it. - Okay?

- Okay. Okay. - All right.

On your way out?

Oh, hey.

Um, no.

No, of course not, no.

Uh, I'm just moving the bag.

I'm just moving the bag over here.

That... that's what I'm doing, see?

I just thought, a better place for it there.

I'm just moving the bag.

So, uh, we would never leave you guys alone.

Come on.

That'd be a bad baby sitter to do something like that.

Can you read us another story?

You know, Santa claus can do that,

and he's gonna be right back in five minutes,

and he'll read you another story, okay?

I-I promise. Yeah.

I see you got that phone there, pal.

I know what you're thinking.

Don't call your mom, 'Kay?

No calling mom.

Because she'll be mad, and she won't pay me, maybe.

Can you imagine?

A-And you'd get me in trouble, okay?

So don't... don't call her.

Pal? Can we do that, Liam?

Yeah, you know, call 'em? Call her?

So listen. I'm just gonna... You know what?

I think... so, you know, I'm gonna put it back over here.

All right? Okay?

We gotta get the phone off of that kid.

Yeah, we do. Then we gotta get...

And you're running around dressed like a woman...

- Well... - Acting like a nutcase.

Not helping anything at all, frank.

We just... we just gotta get out of here, man.

He's gonna call his mother,

and they're gonna catch up to us,

and we're both going back in the clink.

Okay, so what is the plan?

You sit on the couch and read your magic book.

- Yeah. - Okay?

And I'm gonna find the phone.

All right. Did you like the book?

No, I don't like the book.

Maybe we can read it in prison.

Maybe you could read in prison. Okay.

Hey, guys.

Okay. All righty. Here we go.

Okay, let's...

Back to the book.

Ah. Ooh.

Good times.

- Wow, a video game. - Blehh!

You don't know what you're missing.

Video games are a blast.

I'd rather have a friend like p.B.

True. Friends are important.

Look at me and Vince. We just love each other.

It doesn't look like he loves you.

Oh, yes, he does.

In his own way.

Call him a friend? He ripped off his console.

He didn't steal it. He only wanted to try it.

In fact, "stealing" is such an ugly word.

Let's say that some people

just want to try someone else's stuff.

To me, it looks like he really stole it.

P.b. Doesn't steal. And you know why?

No. Tell me.

Because only sad and lonely people steal.

That's what mommy always says.

Ah, look at this.

Wow, let's just get absorbed in this fantastic story.

Oh, but not too much,

because we have to go to bed afterwards, remember?

But now they shouldn't be fighting

over a video game.

That's right.

There are better reasons to fight.

No, there is never a good reason to fight.

Well, I would do it, too.

Hmph. Eh?

Ah.

Hey, p.B., that's no way to behave.

Liam is obsessed with video games.

- Video games are so stupid. - True.

That's because you've never played intergalactic monsters.

Is it fun?

Really cool. Super cool.

Hmm. Really?

You bet. Look.

Fishing rod. Who would ever come up with the idea

of stealing with a fishing rod?

Yeah. Right?

Hey.

No.

Ohh.

Oh, no. Look how they're bickering.

Come on. Don't be like that.

You love each other.

It's useless to be greedy.

Right, uncle frank?

Yes, honey. That's so true.

Yeah, but swifty has to come up

with something smarter to fool him.

No way.

Hmm.

Eh?

- Uh... - Whoa!

That's what good friends do.

Hmm?

There. Good thing Jade took it.

This way, they'll stop bickering.

Hmm?

And then we'll...

No. No.

Okay.

Now who's playing with it?

When two dogs fight, the third runs away with the bone.

Wait.

Aw, come on.

Okay, let's read another one.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Hmm?

What a nice house swifty has.

Mmm. Muffins are delicious.

Especially the blueberry ones.

Oh, yes. Muffins are delicious.

The doorbell.

Who can it be?

Hmm? Hmm?

Puffins?

Swifty, they're right behind you.

Uh-oh. They got inside.

Now they'll surely get into some mischief.

Always watch your back, guys.

It's the first rule of a-a thief...

Well, it's a general rule.

- Aww! - Goodbye, breakfast.

Poor swifty.

They're stealing from him again.

I told you the puffins are bad.

Or do you think it's only because they feel lonely?

Maybe Otto never feeds them

and they're only hungry.

Yeah. Yeah, that's possible.

What a mess.

You'll see the puffins coming out on top this time.

Come on. Show 'em your stuff, swifty.

No, the bad guys are never intelligent.

Mm...

Hey.

They got distracted.

Yeah, they did.

Got it. At least one muffin is safe.

Aha!

They caught him again.

I guess in the end, you're better off

being a thief than being robbed.

- I agree. - You do?

Well, let's forget about it and just go to bed.

- Not yet. - Oh, boy.

Well, believe me, the life of a thief

is no bed of roses.

How would you know?

Well, you know, I, uh...

Heard a lot of things.

Huh?

Hmm.

No. He's left without breakfast.

That's the most important meal of the day.

The sooner you sleep, the sooner you'll have it.

Thank goodness.

Swifty, a blueberry was left.

Oh, my goodness. He's choking.

- Again. - Yes, again.

I didn't know it could happen so often.

You have to be careful.

Thank god Liam knows the procedure.

Plunk. Right in the water.

- Hmm? - Goodbye, breakfast.

Hey, Santa.

Yeah?

- Listen. - Mm-hmm.

Looking at you gave me the idea, by the way.

Mm-hmm.

You know where they're gonna put us

if, uh, they find out we're in here,

we're not escaped by then. Right?

Right.

So you go and distract them kids.

- Mm-hmm. - And I'm gonna look around

and find the phone.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Well, well, well.

Let's see how this story ends.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, ho.

Thank goodness swifty got p.B.

What a friend.

Eh?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Got some crumbs.

Okay.

Good.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

This story made me hungry, too.

Well, shouldn't you kids go to sleep first?

You can have breakfast tomorrow.

- Mmm. - Puffins won't steal it.

No. We're hungry now.

Fine.

I'm hungry, too. Let's prepare something.

Hmm. Frozen pizza.

Perfect.

We're not eating frozen pizza on Christmas Eve.

- Yes, we are. - No.

- It's perfect. - No, no.

The kids deserve a full meal with all the trimmings.

Listen. It doesn't matter what they eat.

As long as they eat something, then they'll go right to sleep.

Yeah. Put down the frozen pizza, Vince.

Are you gonna hit me with that?

Maybe. Put it down. Put it down.

Point is, they're gonna have pizza.

- Yeah. No, no. - Yeah. Cooking.

No, no. I'm gonna cook.

I'm cooking, okay?

Okay, what are you kids up to now?

Hmm?

Now you read.

Ho ho ho ho.

No. Out of the question.

What are you, nuts?

Okay. All right.

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, how scary.

Careful, swifty. The puffins are there.

Well, don't spy.

There's nothing worse than a rat fink.

She's not a rat fink. The puffins are thieves.

They're bad.

That's a narrow point of view, kid.

But, uncle Vince...

Oh, don't you dare.

Hmm?

Huh?

The puffins again. What do they want?

The teacher says the children who misbehave

only want a little love.

What love?

It's an ambush.

They want to steal away his packages.

Of course they want to attract attention.

Yeah, right, buster.

The bully at our school doesn't seek for attention.

- He just wants to beat us up. - Oops.

Who is "Lee"?

I like this Lee guy.

He's a karate champion.

Good morning, swifty.

That's a fine kung fu style.

I'm up on this stuff.

Good going, swifty.

Learn from him so you'll know how to defend yourself.

Swifty doesn't look ready for martial arts.

Surely not.

Eh?

Hmm.

Mom is black belt. When she comes home,

she can show you a few moves.

Well, she better not,

because I'm totally against violence,

especially at christmastime.

Swifty's a disaster.

He'll never learn.

Come on, swifty. You can do it.

Whoa!

Eh?

Mm-mm.

I'm curious to know.

What's the thing that puts you both to sleep

the fastest possible?

You and frank are so much fun, I don't never...

I never want to go to sleep again.

Yes, that's what I mean.

He's getting better.

Looks like he finally learned.

Oh, no. The puffins are at it again.

Eh?

Now he knows how to defend himself.

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, no.

He let himself be cheated again.

Hey, who wants to help with the potatoes?

Me!

You don't look like you're into these stories

all that so much.

Maybe they're growing on me.

Daddy works in a company that digs for oil.

That's why he's never home.

That's life, son. You gotta be ready.

Yeah.

Look. A gold nugget.

If I ever found one,

I'd buy myself the black star adventure super starship.

With a nugget like that, you could buy the whole factory.

What would you buy?

Uh, I don't know.

Then why are you working then?

No, actually, what's your job?

- Baby sitting. - Ah. Right.

Hmm?

Eh?

You must really feel lonely.

What, me lonely?

Why do you think I'm lonely. What are you, crazy?

- Hmph. - I'm not lonely at all.

You know what, Vince?

That's what happens when you're too greedy.

Eh?

Hmm?

Ah. Hmm.

Hey, Vince, imagine how lucky you'd be

if a gold nugget fell on you.

The snowmobile's cool.

- Mmm. - Look.

Everyone is imaging what they'd buy if they were rich.

How's it possible that you don't know

what you'd buy if you were rich?

Mmm.

Mm. Mm.

Hey, p.B. Is running away with the nugget.

I would never steal, especially not from a friend.

Oh, trust me. Listen,

your friends will always let you down,

and relatives are even worse.

I made myself a brother,

one who, uh, wouldn't double-cross me.

Not to speak of dads.

What?

My dad said he was coming for Christmas.

Listen, I'm sure your dad

really wanted to be here with you,

and he probably tried really hard

to be here for christmastime.

Right?

Hmph.

Well, don't think that he didn't try.

I'm sure that he tried very hard.

It probably meant an awful lot to him to be here with you.

Man, if I was your dad, I'd... I'd want to be here.

That's for sure.

You know, I'm just a dumb baby-sitter,

but you should think more highly of your dad,

because he probably loves you very much.

All right?

Yeah.

Aw, what a good guy swifty is.

In the end, he gave the nugget to charity.

That's the way you do it.

Hey.

How'd the potatoes work out?

Good.

All right, how's uncle frank?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Uh-oh. These two are super sweet.

Ahh.

- Oh! - A surprise party.

- Hah! - Hah!

Oh?

They even have fireworks.

Truly in love,

like Liam and the redhead girl.

Cut it out. It's not true.

Oh, my goodness. What is happening?

Ah!

Look what happens when you play with fire.

Whoa!

Oh, no. The puffins again.

Wow, how beautiful.

Always those awful birds.

Ah? Hmm.

They're finally hugging.

And now, you, Liam, don't go saying, "gross."

- What do I get if I don't? - A kiss in the cheek.

Then I'll shut up.

Hmm.

Okay, here we go again.

Look at the puffins wanting to steal the fireworks.

They'll never change.

Eh? Eh?

Ta-da!

Happy birthday, p.B.

I say he's four years old, like me.

What? You see how big he is?

Bears are big, even when they're puppies.

Yeah, sure. Anyhow, for my birthday,

I want a cake like that one.

Mm?

What are the puffins doing?

Something's fishy for sure.

Not all. See how good they are?

They only wanted to celebrate Otto's birthday.

The poor boy never gets any celebrations.

- Ah. - Ah.

Ohh.

Run for it, Otto.

Ohh!

Eh?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Now those really are fireworks.

And do you see how the puffins saved him?

That's what friends are for.

I bet you nobody have given you a surprise party.

Hmm. Maybe you're right.

That's why you're so angry, right?

Maybe.

I am kind of grumpy sometimes, I guess.

But you kids make me happy.

Children, dinner is served.

- Yay! - Yay!

- Wow. - Wow.

Vince.

You're not gonna eat with us?

You know, uh, I'm not hungry.

All right.

So you guys go ahead, all right?

Okay.

Mmm.

It's the best Christmas dinner I ever had.

Well, it's the best Christmas dinner I've ever had, too.

You know, when I cooked in prison,

we didn't have many ingredients.

Um, in prison.

Not it... I wasn't in prison.

I worked at a restaurant called in prison.

And we didn't have

as many ingredients there of course.

Mom always buys super-delicious stuff.

But then she has never any time to cook,

so we always end up with frozen food.

Yeah.

Well...

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's an interesting cover for your phone there.

Okay, who's ready for the most beautiful,

tasty chocolate cake you've ever had in your life?

- Me! - Yes!

- Yes! - Yes! Tell you what.

Get your taste buds ready, and I mean get 'em ready.

They might explode. Be right back.

What are you doing?

Exercising my taste buds.

You know, the police are here.

Yeah. Yeah.

- We gotta get out. - Yeah.

I haven't served cake yet.

Well, then give it to 'em.

- Okay. All right. - And put 'em to bed, frank.

Okay, I will. You want cake?

- No. - Okay.

Let's hope it's not too fantastically good,

so we can leave some for mom.

Yeah. I wonder when she's coming back.

Let's see if they have anything about the robbery on the news.

The main suspects are a couple of petty criminals

who allegedly fled the crime scene

dressed as Santa claus and his elf.

Look! Santa claus and his elf.

Still hiding in the neighborhood.

Why did you turn it off? I liked it.

Let's see what he comes up with this time.

- Hello? - Mom?

You know those thieves you're looking for,

they're our baby sitters.

I told you not to call me

with your usual baloney crackpot stories.

I'll be right home.

Mom? Mom?

Did you tell her that we're leaving some food for her?

Who wants some chocolate cake?

Me!

They came this way.

This place sure is spooky.

It was crazy good.

It is, right?

What are you gonna give me?

- Is it bad? - No.

So what are you gonna give me?

Santa's gonna bring you a lot of great things.

Now who's gonna tell me the good-night story?

I am.

I am right now.

You're gonna get surprises from Santa

under the tree, too, son.

Okay, let's go.

Liam, you come here, too.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll catch you later.

Okay, but don't take too long,

or I fall asleep.

Did you eat anything?

No, honey. I'm just not in the mood.

I'm not hungry. I don't know.

The chocolate's in the study.

Really? Okay, let's go get it.

Show me where it is.

Come on.

Let's read.

Hoo!

Where's Liam?

He's still in the bathroom.

Oh, once upon a time

on the salt flats of bonneville...

I'm joking.

Once upon a time in the arctic...

Once again, the puffins against swifty.

Yes, it seems the case.

But now let's just relax and prepare to fall asleep, right?

It's about time.

Eh?

He fainted.

Eh?

Uh, uh...

He likes swifty.

I told you they only do mischief because they feel lonely.

Yeah, it's so sad to be alone, honey.

Hmm?

Eh?

Problem is that Otto

noticed that one is missing,

and now he's gonna hunt him down.

Of course. Otto doesn't have friends beside the puffins.

I used to like Otto,

but right now, I don't know.

I kind of like swifty, you know?

- How come? - Well, um...

I guess I changed my mind

or my heart.

Ouch! What a shock!

Ohh.

Oh, no. They got hurt.

Now they're all his friends.

It's so important not to be alone, right?

Absolutely.

And thank god I have you guys this Christmas night.

And we have you.

Poor Otto. Now he's all alone.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's sad.

Sad. It's sad.

- Yeah, no, I... - It's sad.

- I think so, too. - Yeah, jeez.

- Yeah. - Listen, one more story,

and it's time for bed for you, okay?

Someone is spying.

Obviously is Otto.

This guy again. I'm so tired of him.

Aren't you tired?

- Let's just go to sleep. - No!

Oh, good. That's a Cannon.

What does he want to do?

We need to stop him.

There's Jade.

Otto will never pull it off with Jade. Poor boy.

I almost feel sorry for Otto.

So big and fat and so sad.

Why are you sad, Vince?

I don't know.

I guess I should be.

Yeah, you should.

- Not as sad as you. - Really? Well, you should be.

Big, fat, sad.

Looks like you're talking about me.

But you are not sad, aren't you, uncle frank?

How could I be?

I'm baby-sitting the best children in the world

and you are not fat, either.

Oh, no. He shoved them inside the Cannon.

He wants to fire them at swifty.

Come on. Don't fight.

It's final. I personally don't like them anymore.

Uh-oh.

Now they're in for trouble.

When will they learn?

You're only happy when you're well-behaved.

Eh?

You know, honey, all it takes

is a little bit of discipline.

Hmm?

Scary.

Something really bad is happening.

No, sweetheart. Don't worry.

Frank and Vince are here to protect you

so that you can sleep tight.

They wanted to give their best wishes

to the little nanny goat.

So they are not bad?

That's the perfect happy ending for bedtime.

It was Otto's nanny.

I think he's a thief only because he...

Because he feels lonely.

He just wants some friends.

You know, you're a really smart kid.

You're my favorite baby sitter.

You know, frank,

when I said, you know, if I could pick someone else

or find someone else or whatever I said,

I-I didn't really mean it I-in a bad way.

I wouldn't have any other partner, buddy...

- Hmm. - But you, so...

Olivia! Let's play panic room!

Run!

Let's go.

What game is this?

Hurry up. Faster.

Go, go, go, go!

What are you doing, Olivia? Come on.

Get up.

Hurry.

Oh, my gosh!

Finally, some good luck.

Help! Open up!

Eh? They're in there.

What's the combination?

Mom knows it!

How am I gonna get you out?

Vince. Vince. Let's go.

Help! Open up!

By the time they find 'em,

we'll be miles away.

All right.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

All right, the coast is clear.

Let's go, man. Grab the bag, and let's go.

What are we doing, Vince?

What are you doing?

I'm staying here.

What are you talking about?

I ain't leaving them kids here by themselves

with no presents, as you can see.

Okay. I'm taking the bag and going, then.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not gonna leave 'em here without Peter, either.

Their father, Peter,

your brother. Hmm.

I saw the picture in the kitchen.

Mm.

Pete double-crossed me.

He and I went to the bank.

I had some business inside, and I asked him to wait.

I relieved some people

of money they didn't really need.

When I ran back outside,

he was gone.

I got arrested and went to jail.

Did he at least ever come to visit?

Yeah, but I wouldn't see him.

And we haven't spoken since.

Well, I guess he did the worst thing

that an accomplice could ever do.

Oh, Pete wasn't my accomplice.

He's an honest guy.

What?

But he did promise to wait for me.

Said he went to buy a pack of gum.

Who abandons their own brother to buy a pack of gum?

Well, I don't think he abandoned you.

He just went to buy a damn pack of gum.

He didn't even know you were a thief.

It's not his fault.

And you got arrested, all right?

He didn't even know you were a thief, okay?

Now he's on an oil rig on Christmas Eve,

and those poor kids are on their own.

Don't... don't... don't, Vince.

Don't!

Frank, frank, you think you had it tough. Is that it?

Well, my kid brother was a cop

and had me arrested, okay?

And I did four years, frank.

We don't even have the combination.

Well, uncle frank is on it, buddy.

Uncle frank better do something.

It's all in the fingers, Vince.

- Sure. - This reminds me of des moines

- back in '91. - Yeah, me, too.

- Open it. - Okay.

My dog stopped them,

but one got away.

These aren't the thieves.

Santa and the elf started it.

What'd they do, exactly?

I went to baby-sit. They told me to go away,

and Santa was very rude.

What was the address?

Merry Christmas!

I knew you were the real Santa claus.

Yeah. What do you have to say, Vince?

Oh, just that, uh, I love you.

Freeze!

Murphy and O'Donnell, hands up!

Hey, kids, mom's home.

All right, we're gonna... We're gonna go.

- I said freeze! - Okay. All right.

Hey, can you take it easy?

Because we don't even have any guns.

I said freeze.

Why don't you tell her who your brother is?

My brother... my brother's Santa's brother, of course.

- Yeah. - Hi, mom.

We left you some of the cake that Santa made.

Santa claus made it?

Call him frank. He's working undercover.

He and his elf brought us gifts.

Ah, gifts. That's what I forgot.

And he read this book to us.

They really are Santa and his elf.

Uh-huh. Yes.

So after the theft,

you came to my house as baby sitters?

Mom, I told you so.

And then you cooked, read a book...

- Yeah. - And why didn't you run away?

Well, because we didn't want to leave the kids by themselves.

Hey, you know how it is. Uh, Christmas Eve and all.

I mean...

Like I did.

Hey, you got a job to do, right?

It's your job to arrest people that are doing bad things.

- Yeah, like... like we used to. - Right.

But you're supposed to run away. You're thieves.

We prefer to be known as baby sitters,

- if you don't mind. - Maybe Christmas Eve,

you automatically become a bit less of a thief.

So what am I supposed to do now?

- Nothing. - Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm gonna take the bag, and we're just gonna go.

I'm supposed to arrest you

and return the stolen goods, right?

- Once a thief, always a thief. - No.

No, no, no, no. No.

We got a better idea. What if, uh...

Mom, even I know that no one would go to jail for this.

Uh...

What?!

You got the wrong bag!

- I saw it when I took the book. - You brought the wrong...

- Why did you rush me?! - Christmas magic.

You can't tell the difference between $20,000 worth

of antique silver service and bubble wrap?!

Why do you blame everyone else for your mistakes?

Because you're being lazy!

And you're spitting in my face!

You're spitting on my face, too!

Stop spitting...

You two.

In there with me.

Hey, listen, kiddies.

Don't touch the presents, okay, until I say it's all right.

Oh.

Hmm.

Take a seat.

- Don't mind if I do. - Take a seat.

- Whatever you say. - Yeah.

So if the goods are still in the house,

then in theory, you didn't commit a burglary.

Then we'll be on our way.

No. No, no. Wait. Wait.

There's still attempted burglary,

breaking and entering,

trespassing,

and that business with the baby sitter,

who, to tell you the truth, was a little scary.

Yeah, she was a lot of scary.

Let me tell you something else. She is the worst human being

I've ever met in my life. You dodged a bullet with her.

Why do you want to talk about her like that?

Because she's terrible, and you know it!

- I disagree. - Well, I disagree with you!

Okay, enough!

Enough.

You know what I say?

Even cops are kinder at Christmas.

False alarm.

Another one of Liam's pranks. Sorry.

You can go.

Call off the search at the magician's house.

And check for the goods in a bag.

Between the love seat.

Got love seats or whatever you call it. Might be fake.

House has it right there in the middle. It's a big bag.

It's in the room that used to have the book in it.

- It's a... and they're... - Okay! Enough.

- Okay. - Near a love seat

where a lot of other valuable stuff is.

And merry Christmas.

Okay?

Let's go. I wanna eat some cake.

Okay.

Who is it now?

- Dad! - Dad!

Hi, guys.

Oh, my gosh. We didn't expect you.

- Hey, guys. - It's so good to see you.

Well, I got leave, but I didn't tell you,

'cause I wanted it to be a sur...

- Prise. - Vince was right.

You did everything you could to be with us.

Yeah, Vince was right.

Are these for us?

Sure. There's two from me, and there's two from mom.

Oh! Thank you. These are mine.

Yeah, I passed by the post office.

I figured maybe you'd forget to pick 'em up.

- I did. I did. Come on. - Can we start unwrapping?

Uh, after daddy's eaten.

'Cause you probably want dinner first.

- Mm-hmm. - Put 'em under the tree.

We have Santa and his elf here.

Yep.

Pete.

Gentlemen.

Honey, here's your dinner.

- Thanks. - Piping hot, like you like it.

Frank made it.

Your kids are great.

We had a really wonderful Christmas Eve.

And comes to your woman there, she needs a little work.

She...

She could have shot us both,

but she didn't, so that's good.

Mm.

Maybe now you can explain what you're doing

in my house on Christmas Eve, huh?

I'm sorry I got you involved in my bank heist, Pete.

Yeah. I couldn't believe you'd done that to me.

But I've missed you all these years, you know?

I missed you, too, brother.

Really proud of you.

You done very well for yourself.

Your wife's amazing, and...

Liam and Olivia are great kids.

Yeah, they are.

And they're gonna have a great uncle.

Yeah, they are.

Can we open the presents?

- Yeah. - Yeah, let's do it.

- Let's do it. - Kids, hang on a minute.

I got a surprise for you.

Frank...

Well, he's your real uncle.

- Yay! - Yay!

Now let's go open the presents.

Your fox.

Well, thought it was only right that you should have it.

Okay? 'Cause now I'm into walruses.

You're the best uncle in the world, too.

I am? Well, my... That's quite a compliment.

Wow, a professional burglary kit.

Liam, no burglaries, though, huh?

- Aw, come on, dad. - Thanks.

You bet, buddy.

Looks like swifty.

It does. Should we read about him?

- Yeah. - Come on over.

All right, guys.

Wow.

That's great.

For us?

Another book.

Hooray! "The puffins."

P.b.!

Ah, yes. In the end,

all stories worth their salt reach an end.

- Wow. - And so does ours.

- Wow. Beautiful. - Wow, beautiful.

Finally, a white Christmas!

But a little snow always adds a special touch.

After all, it's Christmas, right?

- Merry Christmas, everyone! - Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Ah, and I'll be seeing you for the next stories real soon.

Okay, and now for a bedtime story.

Once upon a time in the arctic...

Hmm?

Eh?

You like the book, Vince?

- Yeah. - Yeah? What part?

Y-You know, that one part.

There are so many parts.

Yeah, specifically what part, Vince?

Uh, you know, it's the way you read it that makes it...

- Is it? - Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah. Yeah, I loved it.

Mm-hmm.

- I loved it. - Did you?