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1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,794
♪ This little light of mine ♪
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,871
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,548
♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,922
♪ Let it shine ♪
5
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:15,721
♪ Everywhere I go ♪
6
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:18,300
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
7
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,722
♪ Everywhere I go ♪
8
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,603
♪ I'm gonna let it shine... ♪
9
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,397
Well, I am happy to report
that my potato salad
10
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,192
is once again the
hit of the potluck.
11
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,939
- That's great, honey.
- I feel bad
12
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,316
for Pam Staples.
13
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,319
No one's touching
her potato salad.
14
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,111
If you feel bad,
then why are you smiling?
15
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,616
'Cause sometimes your
mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.
16
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,163
(chuckles)
17
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,707
Howdy, Coopers!
How we doing today?
18
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:44,625
- Pastor Jeff.
- Thank you, Pastor Jeff.
19
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:46,293
Y'all remember
my wife Selena.
20
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:47,746
- MEEMAW: Hi, Selena.
- Oh, yeah.
21
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:48,955
¿Qué tal?
22
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,130
You're married
to her?
23
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:51,962
Why, yes, I am.
24
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,670
(quietly): You can think it...
you don't need to say it.
25
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,629
How are you liking Medford,
Selena?
26
00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,094
(bad Spanish accent):
¿Cómo te gusta Medford?
27
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:04,725
She likes it fine.
28
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:05,725
Oh.
29
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,519
(grunts) She needs to use
the little girls' room.
30
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,270
Mary, could I talk to you
for a second?
31
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:13,521
Sure.
32
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,739
Don't worry.
I'll bring her right back.
33
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,575
Wasn't worried, but okay.
34
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:18,826
Okay.
35
00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,366
His Spanish is terrible.
36
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,164
That's not what
she said at all.
37
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,331
Oh.
38
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:26,750
I don't know if you've heard,
39
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,373
but our church secretary,
40
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,672
Elizabeth Sohinki,
is currently seeking treatment
41
00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:32,669
for a little problem
with... shall we say...
42
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,500
under-the-counter medications.
43
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,586
Oh. So that rumor's true.
44
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:37,716
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, she did
45
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,763
always seem extremely alert.
46
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:42,137
Alert, shaky, sweaty. Anyway,
47
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,101
we need someone to step in
and fill the position.
48
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,020
I was wondering
if you might consider it.
49
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:49,099
It's not just bookkeeping.
50
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:52,186
I'd be in charge of handling the
maintenance issues... you know,
51
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:53,898
plumbing, electric,
what have you.
52
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,232
And I'd also head
the planning committee
53
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:58,570
for all the
social events,
54
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,742
which, of course,
includes the big three:
55
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,612
baptisms, weddings, funerals.
56
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:06,165
And here is the cherry on top.
57
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,581
The sign in front of the church
with all the clever sayings...
58
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,253
"Be an organ donor,
give your heart to Jesus"?
59
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:12,455
Exactly.
60
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,837
Guess whose job it would be
to write those.
61
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:16,334
Yours.
62
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,256
Already working on a couple.
63
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,383
Listen to this.
64
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,718
(excited chuckling)
65
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:26,515
"The best vitamin
for a Christian is B1."
66
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:29,605
What?
67
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,224
You know, be one.
68
00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:33,560
Like be a Christian.
69
00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:36,021
And also B1 the vitamin.
70
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,572
Well, now that you
explained it, it's funny.
71
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,241
Yeah. Might be a thinker.
72
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,785
But there's a lot more
where that came from.
73
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,080
What about the twins?
74
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,787
Well, I'll still get 'em off
to school every day.
75
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,501
And when they get home,
76
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:53,079
Mom can keep an eye on 'em
till I get back.
77
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:54,751
Think she'll go for it?
78
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:57,083
Are you kidding?
She loves 'em like crazy.
79
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,255
Fat chance.
80
00:02:58,470 --> 00:02:59,927
Oh, come on.
81
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:03,097
You come on.
I'm in the prime of my life.
82
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:06,221
I got my water aerobics
and my salsa dancing
83
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:07,768
and my bowling league.
84
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:09,595
But you love your grandchildren.
85
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,102
I love ice cream, too,
but I don't want to eat it
86
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,354
from 3:00 to 6:00
five days a week.
87
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,151
Well, I'm very disappointed.
88
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,820
And I'm fine with that.
89
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,397
Why don't you just
get a babysitter?
90
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,858
Kinda defeats the purpose
of making extra money.
91
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:22,908
Oh, yeah, right.
92
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,486
All right, let's
think about it.
93
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:25,953
Georgie.
94
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:26,904
Football practice.
95
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:29,116
- And I don't trust him whe n I'm home.
- Oh.
96
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,876
Okay, now, what are we
talking about here?
97
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:35,789
Sheldon is intelligent
and responsible,
98
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:39,591
and Missy...
is his sister.
99
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,294
I think they'll be
fine home alone
100
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,800
all by themselves for a couple
hours after school.
101
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,886
- You think?
- I do.
102
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,218
As a matter of fact, I actually
think it'll be great for them.
103
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,144
These kids today
are so coddled,
104
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,971
I honestly think
y'all are raising
105
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,523
a whole generation
of sissies.
106
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,526
Is that the way you speak
about your grandchildren?
107
00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,645
Yes.
108
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,363
♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
109
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,195
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
110
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:10,077
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
111
00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,750
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
112
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:16,375
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
113
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:20,507
(door closes)
114
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:23,044
Hi.
115
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:25,425
How'd it go
with your mom?
116
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,972
She's not interested
in watching 'em.
117
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,016
Doesn't want to give up
her afternoons.
118
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,560
Of course. Sorry.
119
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,598
You know what, it's okay.
120
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:36,937
The timing wasn't right.
121
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,518
Maybe when the kids are older.
122
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,063
Okay.
123
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,947
(sighs) I guess
I'll go get dinner started.
124
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,708
How about this?
125
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,124
Go ahead and take the job.
126
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:02,750
Yeah, if it turns out
127
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,301
Sheldon and Missy can't
look out for themselves
128
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,300
for a couple hours
after school,
129
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,633
then... well, we'll cross
that bridge when we come to it.
130
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,724
Are you sure about this?
131
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,552
Yeah. Actually,
probably good for 'em.
132
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,763
Teach 'em a little
responsibility.
133
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,064
That's exactly
what my mom said.
134
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:17,981
Really?
135
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,560
Well, I still like
the idea.
136
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,188
Mmm.
137
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,237
MARY:
Thank you, God, for this food
138
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,034
we're about to receive,
and for the nourishment
139
00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,613
of our bodies, and bless
the hands that prepared it.
140
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,539
ALL:
Amen.
141
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:35,750
So, kids,
142
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,248
we have a little family
business to discuss.
143
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,920
- You're pregnant?
- No.
144
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,918
- We're getting a puppy?
- No.
145
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,340
I'm not sure I care.
146
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,798
Starting next Monday,
I'm gonna take
147
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,970
a full-time job
at the church.
148
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,428
Well, who's going
to take care of us?
149
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:54,181
Well, nothing will change in the
morning... I'll make breakfast,
150
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,262
take you both to school.
Then, after school,
151
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,268
you'll come home,
do your homework,
152
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,141
watch TV,
play with your toys
153
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,893
till I come home around 6:00.
154
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,445
Well, why can't Meemaw
take care of us?
155
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,943
- 'Cause she's not the person you think she is.
- George...
156
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,945
You're really gonna leave
these two alone?
157
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:10,112
Yes.
158
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,036
That's a brave choice.
159
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,572
Look, this job is important
to your mother.
160
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,124
We expect you both to
step up and be responsible.
161
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:18,743
I can do that.
162
00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:20,377
Missy?
163
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,705
I'm thinking about it.
164
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,166
Very brave.
165
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,848
Okay, let's go over it
one more time.
166
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,101
House key's under the
plastic owl by the front door.
167
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,017
There's after-school snacks
in the fridge.
168
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,228
One for each of you.
169
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:49,482
Emergency numbers are
right there by the phone.
170
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,567
First aid kit is
in the hall closet.
171
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:54,119
(sighs)
And you won't be needing it,
172
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,745
but under the kitchen sink
is a fire extinguisher.
173
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,495
Ooh, that looks fun.
174
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,954
For fires only, and don't be
starting one just to use it.
175
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,881
(whispering): It's like
she can read my mind.
176
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,416
SHELDON:
Don't worry, Mom.
177
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:08,843
We'll make you proud.
178
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,340
I know you will, baby.
179
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,216
All set for your first day?
180
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,923
- I believe I am.
- Mm.
181
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,053
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
182
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,054
Go get 'em.
183
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,511
Thanks for waking me up.
184
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,684
I woke you up
40 minutes ago.
185
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,515
Well, you didn't do
a very good job.
186
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,233
Bye, y'all.
187
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,187
(groans)
188
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,233
(door closes)
189
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,823
Okay, yeah. Yeah.
190
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,286
Okay, later.
191
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,658
Sorry to bother you, Peg,
is Pastor Jeff available?
192
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,585
Jeff! You available?!
193
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:44,787
JEFF:
On the phone.
194
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,709
He's on the phone.
195
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:50,004
(coughing)
196
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,754
(wheezes, coughs)
197
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,602
You know, my mother's had some
luck cutting back on the smoking
198
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,055
by chewing that nicotine gum.
199
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,559
Got some right here.
200
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:06,893
- So you do.
- (chuckles)
201
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,026
JEFF:
Come on in.
202
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,311
Go on, you heard him.
203
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,318
(coughing)
204
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:12,902
Thank you.
205
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:14,449
Hey, hey.
206
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,576
Hey, Mare.
207
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,404
Uh, you finding everything
you need?
208
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:19,864
Oh, you bet.
209
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,746
So, I've been going
over the books,
210
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:25,328
and I think we have
enough money in our budget
211
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,504
to purchase
a personal computer
212
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,708
to handle all
the church business.
213
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:31,751
Okay.
(chuckles)
214
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,757
Well, uh, why don't you
leave the paperwork here,
215
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,088
and I'll-I'll take
a look at it.
216
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,092
Of course.
217
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,757
That's for your perusal.
218
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,137
(chuckles)
219
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,099
Everything okay?
220
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,521
What?
221
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,599
Yeah. Right as rain.
222
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:47,899
All righty.
223
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,897
Hey, if you have a minute,
224
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,901
I would love to talk to you
about the sign out front.
225
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,949
Yeah, sure.
226
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,663
So far so good.
227
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,476
SHELDON:
Hello?
228
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:32,774
Anybody?
229
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,031
They weren't kidding.
230
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,833
Maybe I'll just have
one little peek.
231
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,545
How come you're not
eating your snack?
232
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:54,549
I prefer my snack to be a
reward for homework well done.
233
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,927
You're like an old person.
234
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:57,878
Thank you.
235
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:08,973
What's your homework?
236
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,478
Non-Euclidean geometry.
237
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:11,479
How about you?
238
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:12,981
"Symonyms."
239
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,858
You mean synonyms.
240
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:18,236
I'm pretty sure
she said "symonyms."
241
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,202
Did you see that?
242
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,033
Someone's out there.
243
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,958
Oh, no. They're
in the backyard.
244
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,410
What do we do?
245
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,330
Aah!
246
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,712
(all screaming)
247
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,771
Would one of you please
get me a towel?
248
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,526
Why were you sneaking
around out there?
249
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,152
Yeah, you scared us.
250
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,576
I was checking up on you two.
251
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,495
And in case you're wondering,
you scared me back.
252
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,323
Well, why didn't you knock?
253
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:10,956
Because you two are supposed
to be doing this on your own.
254
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,833
And you don't
think we can.
255
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:13,912
Of course I do.
256
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,418
I'm the one who told your mother
257
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,465
that you were fine by yourselves
in the first place.
258
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,418
Then why were you
checking up on us?
259
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,050
That's called being two-faced.
260
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,506
We'll be okay on our own.
261
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,432
Yeah, we need to prove
we can do this.
262
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,843
All right.
263
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,765
I respect that.
264
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:34,313
And I'm happy to keep this
little incident a secret.
265
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,189
Really? I'm
telling everyone.
266
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,815
It was hilarious.
267
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:40,731
I'm going bowling.
268
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,197
(door opens, closes)
269
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,621
When we first started dating,
everything was wonderful.
270
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,452
That's when
it is wonderful.
271
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,575
All the problems started
once we got married.
272
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:54,502
Well, marriage will do that
to a relationship.
273
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,046
I-I got Selena
a credit card
274
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,214
to make small purchases
for the house.
275
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,385
You know... (stammers)
...coffee maker, DustBuster.
276
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,007
You know what she did?
277
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,714
She went to that
Sharper Image store
278
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,390
and she bought a massage chair.
279
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,809
Oh, I sat in one of those
at the mall.
280
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:09,726
It was terrific.
281
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,179
It's $2,000.
282
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,435
Oh. Well, seeing as I know
how much you make,
283
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:15,732
you can't afford that.
284
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,402
I... uh-uh.
285
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,445
ADULT SHELDON:
Of all the afflictions
286
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:24,150
that can befall a child,
one reigns supreme.
287
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,986
Beyond scraped knees
and paper cuts,
288
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:31,407
nothing strikes fear into the
hearts of kids around the world
289
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:33,288
like a splinter.
290
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:38,089
(distorted):
No!
291
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,083
Tell me why you were pretending
to have amnesia.
292
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,793
I've got a splinter!
293
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,420
So?
294
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:45,595
So, it's an emergency!
295
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,638
Call Meemaw!
296
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:47,805
Oh, calm down.
297
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,430
- We can take care of this.
- No, we can't!
298
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,558
Sheldon, if we can't handle
a little splinter,
299
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,605
they're never gonna leave us
alone again.
300
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,391
You're right.
301
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,646
So, what do we do?
302
00:12:58,861 --> 00:12:59,726
Let me see it.
303
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,779
Oh, boy.
That's a deep one.
304
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,281
Hey, it's throbbing
really bad.
305
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,157
Mom would take it out
with tweezers.
306
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,285
Well, where would
we find tweezers?
307
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,078
Let's see what we got.
308
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,458
Band-Aids...
309
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,244
cotton balls.
310
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,205
What's "gowz"?
311
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,336
It's gauze, and the fact
that you don't know that
312
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,087
is not filling
me with hope.
313
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,799
Where would Mom
keep the tweezers?
314
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,302
- Sometimes she uses a needle on splinters.
- No.
315
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,975
No needles. Anything
but needles.
316
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,807
Wait, she has tweezers
in her makeup bag.
317
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,559
She plucks her eyebrows
with them.
318
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,099
And sometimes her mustache.
319
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,440
Anything?
320
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:47,657
Nope.
321
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,363
Wait.
322
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,036
Maybe they're
in her room.
323
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,364
We're not allowed to go
in Mom and Dad's room.
324
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,749
Want me to get the needle?
325
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,170
(whispering):
Let's make this quick.
326
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:01,622
Why are you whispering?
327
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,003
That's how people speak
when they're being naughty.
328
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,049
I wouldn't know.
329
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,877
I'm naughty all the time.
330
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,807
You're really not coming in?
331
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,063
No. But you're doing great.
332
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,399
(sighs)
333
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,150
What's wrong?
334
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,319
This really is naughty.
335
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,900
I told you.
336
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,073
I don't see anything.
337
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,749
There's just a Bible
and a flashlight.
338
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,916
- (phone ringing)
- (screams)
339
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,209
(screams)
340
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:41,502
What do I do?
341
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,956
Answer it but sound calm.
342
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,426
Hello.
343
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:49,549
Hey, it's Dad.
344
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,800
How you guys doing?
345
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:51,843
We're great.
346
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:53,640
Glad to hear it.
347
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:54,716
I'm watching TV,
348
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,393
and Sheldon's reading quietly.
349
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:57,970
(sighs)
350
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,100
I knew you could handle this.
351
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,931
- I'm proud of you.
- You know what?
352
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,436
I'm proud of us, too.
353
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,109
Uh... (chuckling):
Okay, baby doll,
354
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,527
I'll be home in a couple hours.
355
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,604
Stay out all night.
We got this.
356
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,027
Wha... Love you, too.
357
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,108
(chuckles softly)
358
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,077
That was intense.
359
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,781
I don't think I'm cut out
for this latchkey life.
360
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,456
- (phone ringing)
- (both scream)
361
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,288
You answer it this time.
362
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,586
I can't; I'm supposed to be
reading quietly.
363
00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,163
Answer it, Sheldon.
364
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,878
Well, I'm not going in there.
365
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,051
Hello. Cooper residence.
366
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,628
Sheldon speaking.
367
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:31,963
Hey, Shelly.
368
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,297
Oh, hello, Mom.
369
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:34,924
How's your day going?
370
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,137
Shelly?
371
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:44,271
Shelly? Shelly? You there?
372
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,063
Yes, I'm here.
373
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,028
She wants to know
how my day's going.
374
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,195
Say it's going good.
375
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,193
I can't say that.
376
00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:51,148
Why not?
377
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,027
It's bad grammar.
378
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,108
How are you supposed to say it?
379
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,568
"It's going well."
380
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,369
Oh, that's nice.
381
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,072
I've got to get back to work,
382
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:01,250
but I love you
and miss you very much.
383
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:03,001
Okay.
384
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,125
I handled that really well.
385
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,296
(dial tone)
386
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,124
(knocking on door)
387
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:10,425
Got a minute?
388
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,377
Sure, come on in.
389
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,547
I just wanted to apologize.
390
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,929
I-It was wrong of me to unload
my personal business on you.
391
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,680
Here it is,
your first day and all.
392
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,761
Oh, that's fine.
393
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,312
Always happy to lend an ear.
394
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,435
Great, 'cause I didn't
tell you everything.
395
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,813
Really?
'Cause you told me a lot.
396
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,815
This morning,
while Selena was in the shower,
397
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,317
I went through her purse
and I took the credit card.
398
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,065
- Oh, my.
- Now,
399
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:36,027
do you think that's stealing,
or is it doing the right thing?
400
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,988
You know, saving us
from bankruptcy and whatnot?
401
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:42,617
Wow. Um, yeah,
that's complicated.
402
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:46,249
Um... going through her purse...
probably wrong,
403
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,830
but on the other hand...
404
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,082
...well, there is no other hand.
405
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,917
You can't be
doing things like that
406
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,172
and have a healthy marriage.
407
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,628
Why don't you just talk to her?
408
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,634
Explain
your financial situation?
409
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,473
That...
410
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,686
Oh, we're closing
the door now, okay.
411
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,809
That's not so easy.
412
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,062
Because of the language barrier?
413
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,978
That, and I implied,
when we were dating,
414
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:14,190
that I was... well-to-do.
415
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:17,321
Oh, Pastor Jeff,
why would you do that?
416
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,698
You saw her.
417
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,120
Uh, she is the kind of woman
418
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:23,244
that can make a man do
bad things.
419
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:28,083
Well, I... I don't know
what to say to that.
420
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,506
(exhales)
Maybe you ought to pray on it.
421
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,125
You're right.
422
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,051
You're absolutely right.
423
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:35,878
(chuckles softly)
424
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:36,962
I'll do that now.
425
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,217
I'll do the same.
426
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:39,514
Thank you.
427
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:41,758
(door opens)
428
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,932
God, please give me the strength
429
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,109
to not spread this juicy gossip
about Pastor Jeff.
430
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,151
(quietly):
Amen.
431
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:53,899
(sighs)
432
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,026
What are you doing?
433
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:58,408
I'm reading quietly, so I don't
have to lie about it later.
434
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:00,368
(gasps)
435
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,445
Found 'em.
436
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:02,825
The tweezers?
437
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,032
Mom's needles
and her magnifying glass.
438
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,583
Absolutely not.
439
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,376
Let me at least try.
440
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:09,289
No.
441
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,041
You're being a baby.
442
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,374
Nothing you can say
will change my mind.
443
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,084
What if it gets infected
and turns green
444
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:16,669
and they have to cut it off?
445
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,756
I think it's numb.
446
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,136
Great, put your hand out.
447
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,638
Wait, how do you plan
on sterilizing the needle?
448
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,848
Mom uses a lit match.
449
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,808
We're not allowed
to play with matches.
450
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,314
What else would work?
451
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:35,149
Alcohol.
452
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,371
Stick your finger in there.
453
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,494
I'll do the needle.
454
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,201
Okay. I hope I don't get drunk.
455
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,210
How long till you're sterile?
456
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,037
I don't know,
457
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:53,417
but I'm getting lightheaded.
458
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,344
No matter what happens,
hold still.
459
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:08,850
I can't do it.
460
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,647
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.
461
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:11,598
Just let me get it.
462
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,649
What if you slip
and stab me in the eye?
463
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,147
I'm not gonna slip.
464
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,275
Who always wins when we play...
465
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,106
(gasps)
Be right back.
466
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,406
ADULT SHELDON: In 1989
the Milton Bradley Company
467
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:30,584
had dozens of board games
on the market,
468
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:35,501
but only one
where you were the doctor.
469
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,548
Operation came complete
470
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,504
with a red light-up nose,
471
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,012
13 plastic body parts
for players to remove
472
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:51,643
and, most importantly,
one pair of genuine tweezers.
473
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,609
My sister performed
a medical procedure using
474
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,440
a children's board game,
475
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:04,197
while I bravely sat very still.
476
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,879
(exhales)
477
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,250
I guess you could say
there were two heroes that day.
478
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:28,182
Gee, how do you suppose
that happened?
479
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:32,683
- Hello?
- MISSY: In here.
480
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,394
Why does the kitchen smell
like whiskey?
481
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:36,899
Ask her.
482
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,103
Oh, dear Lord!
483
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,406
Wait till you hear
what I did to Meemaw.
484
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,735
Our show came at number one.
485
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,536
I did it! I did it!
33357
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