Original subtitles

(George Michael's "Faith" playing)

(tape rewinding)

♪ Faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I know you're asking me to stay ♪

♪ Say please, please, please don't go away ♪

♪ You say I'm giving you the blues ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ Huh! ♪

♪ You mean ♪

- ♪ Every word you say ♪ - (popping loudly)

♪ Can't help but think ♪

♪ Of yesterday ♪

♪ And another who tied me down ♪

♪ To lover boy rules... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: My father took pride in saying

that he ran our house like a tight ship.

The ship got a lot looser when

- my meemaw came over to babysit. - (firecracker pops)

I bet a nickel.

Hang on there a minute, moon pie.

I want to teach you somethin'.

Look at your cards,

and then look in the mirror.

Hey, I'm smiling.

- Uh-huh. - (firecracker pops)

And what does that

tell me about your cards?

That I like them?

Attaboy. Now...

look at my face.

- (firecracker pops) - Tell me

what you see.

That you're old.

It's a good thing I love you.

(firecracker pops) - I'm gonna look at my cards again.

You're unhappy.

Which means...?

You don't have good cards.

- Mm-hmm. - (firecracker pops)

So...

I'm gonna see your nickel...

- and raise you a quarter. - Quarter?

You can fold.

No. I have good cards; you have bad cards.

I'm in.

- Nines and fives. - Mm.

That's too bad.

Three queens. You lose!

- (laughing) - What?

But you weren't happy.

- I made you think I was unhappy. - But that's lying.

You lied to your moon pie.

I bluffed my moon pie.

- Do people know about this? - Sheldon,

what's on a person's face

is not always what's in their heart.

Well, this changes everything.

How do you know who to trust?

You don't.

That's what makes life interesting.

ADULT SHELDON: Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

MARY: Mom, we're home!

In here!

What's he doing up?

Losin'.

(firecracker pops)

Hell is that?

I sent Georgie on a beer run,

and tipped him with firecrackers.

Oh, Mom.

- Was I supposed to stiff him? - (door opens)

(door closes)

I ate so much candy!

Okay.

They're all yours.

(chuckles)

(firecracker pops)

- ♪ Faith, faith, faith. ♪ - (groans)

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Sometimes people say to me, "Pastor Jeff,

how do you know there's a God?"

And I say, "It's simple math.

God either exists or he doesn't."

(chuckles): So let's be cynical.

Worst-case scenario, there's a 50-50 chance.

And I like those odds.

That's wrong.

Shelly, put your hand down.

Sorry. Please continue.

(chuckles) It's okay, Mary.

I-It's Sheldon, right?

- Yes, sir. - Well, Sheldon,

why don't you come on up here and tell me how I'm wrong.

- No. - Okay.

(chuckles) Let's give him a hand, everybody.

Mm. What's happening?

Shelly's gonna eat him alive. (chuckles)

PASTOR JEFF: So...

you were saying?

You've confused possibilities with probabilities.

According to your analogy, when I go home

I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not.

In what universe is that 50-50?

(congregation murmuring)

PASTOR JEFF: So what do you think

the odds are that God exists?

I think they're zero.

I believe in science.

(congregation ooh'ing, murmuring)

PASTOR JEFF: So you don't think

science and religion can go hand in hand?

Science is facts, religion is faith.

- I prefer facts. - Mm.

I understand that.

Here's a cool fact for ya.

A lot of famous scientists

believed in God.

Isaac Newton.

Albert Einstein.

Even Charles Darwin.

(congregation ah'ing)

So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?

Now you're gettin' it.

Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody.

What a good sport. Oh.

(organ playing)

ADULT SHELDON: But I wasn't a good sport.

At that moment, I vowed to come back

the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

(knocking)

Uh, hello, Mr. Cooper.

Is Missy home?

Hello, Billy. No, she's at church.

I brought her eggs from my chickens.

I see that.

You can boil them or scramble them.

Okay.

I like fried.

Okay.

I don't like poached.

Okay.

Thank you for your time.

Okay.

MARY: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?

No. They're a gift.

Sorry.

He even wrote me a note.

"Eggs from your secret admirer. Billy."

GEORGE SR. (calls): Mary, can you come in here?

I'm cookin'.

I really need you to come in here.

What on earth?

Uh-oh.

What?

Listen to this.

"French philosopher,

"mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal,

"argued a rational person should believe God exists

"because you have everything to gain if you're right,

and nothing to lose if you're wrong."

Sounds right.

(footsteps approaching)

MARY: Meemaw is coming over

to watch you... I gotta go.

- Where? - Daddy's not feeling good.

We're gonna go see a doctor.

- Is he okay? - He's gonna be fine.

You just sit right there.

Meemaw's on her way over to cook you dinner.

Can we come with you?

No. Just stay right there, don't move.

George, let's go.

How long are we supposed to sit here?

I don't know.

She said don't move.

She was very clear.

Hope I don't have to go to the bathroom.

(door opens)

Don't worry!

Meemaw's here!

Everything's under control!

Oh. (chuckles)

We haven't had dinner yet.

Really?

(groans)

I don't feel like cookin'.

I think my husband's having a heart attack!

NURSE: I need an RRT and a crash cart.

Over here.

Sir, are you having chest pains right now?

Yeah, a little bit.

Any numbness or pain in your arms?

Maybe this one.

Shortness of breath?

Enough questions.

He's a fat, middle-aged man with chest pains.

Do something!

- All right. - Sorry about the fat, honey.

You said you liked me this way.

(grunts)

Is Daddy gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah. Your Pop-Pop used to have

little chest pains all the time.

Didn't he die of a heart attack?

Well, for insurance purposes, yes.

(door opens)

Hey. What's goin' on?

Dad's in the hospital.

What? Why's Dad in the hospital?

- He's gonna be fine. - He had chest pains.

He's gonna be fine.

What are we doin'? Why aren't we going to the hospital?

Nobody's goin' nowhere.

We're just gonna stay calm,

have a nice dinner, and wait for your mama to call

and tell us what's what.

I'm not hungry.

What did you mean by "insurance purposes"?

Just eat.

(laughter on TV)

What kind of Texan drinks pink wine?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, Mom. Kids okay?

Yeah, they're fine. How's George?

I don't know. They're running tests.

Well, don't you worry about us. (chuckles)

Everything's under control here.

Okay.

I'll call you when I know more.

How you holdin' up?

I guess I'm okay.

Well, George is gonna pull through this, honey.

I guarantee it.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks for bein' there.

You bet.

I'll call you later.

Okay.

Bye.

What'd she say?

The doctors are doin' some tests, but, dollars to donuts,

your daddy's just got a bad case of gas.

Y'all two go get ready for bed.

I don't want to stay around here.

I want to go to the hospital and see Dad.

Well, I want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson,

but that ain't gonna happen either.

This is stupid.

You know what's stupid?

I got to drink pink wine!

(door slams)

Meemaw?

What?

Is Dad really okay?

Yes.

I hope you're not bluffing.

You asleep?

No.

Me neither.

Every time the phone rings, I get scared.

Me, too.

(knocking)

I'm goin' to see Dad. You guys want to come?

How? Meemaw said we have to stay here.

You want to go or not?

♪♪

Shh.

Shh.

Who do I shush?

- Shh! - Shh!

(snores softly)

(keys jangle)

(quietly): What are you doing?

I'm driving to the hospital.

You can come with me or stay here... up to you.

I'm comin'.

Sheldon?

You're 14.

You don't know how to drive.

I drove a tractor at 4-H camp.

It's the same thing.

But you sat on the farmer's lap.

Then stay here.

Come on, Missy.

(snores loudly)

(engine starts)

- (click) - ♪And I whine, I'm after you ♪

What are you doin'?

Travelin' music.

SHELDON: Ugh.

I'm coming with you.

Why are you wearin' my helmet?

I don't expect this to end well.

And the pillows?

Same answer.

Turn it off. I've got to concentrate.

Aw.

- (music stops) - Okay,

seat belts, everybody.

Please drive slowly.

Relax. I know what I'm doin'.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

ADULT SHELDON: I've often been asked

why I never learned to drive a car.

This night...

is your answer.

Please slow down.

I'm goin' eight miles an hour.

A cow just passed us.

- Do you know how to get to the hospital? - Yeah.

It's right across the street from the Dairy Queen.

Which Dairy Queen?

What are you talkin' about?

There's two.

Really?

You're gonna hit it!

Which is the one Mom takes us to?

You're gonna hit it!

Ooh, you're in trouble now!

(phone ringing)

Yeah?

What took you so long to answer?

Powdering my nose. What's it to ya?

Sorry I asked. Just wanted to give you an update.

Y... What's goin' on?

They want to run some more tests.

They're gonna hold him overnight.

Oh. Oh, well, that's, that's nothin' to worry about.

That's just precautionary.

How are the kids?

Oh. (chuckles) They were a little worried,

but I handled it.

They sleepin'?

Um...

Yeah, yeah.

You bet.

Thanks again for helpin'.

Oh, hey,

these are my grandchildren.

They are my blood.

Okay. I better go.

Okay. We'll talk later.

(exhales)

Son of a bitch.

I hate those kids.

♪♪

MISSY: Just admit it, we're lost.

We're not lost.

Well, I sure don't see a hospital anywhere.

Why don't we ask somebody for directions?

Because we're children in a car, genius.

Dang it!

Are you aiming for them?

Everybody just shut up. I got this.

(siren wailing)

Oh, no. We're going to jail.

Georgie's going to jail.

I'm saying I was kidnapped.

SHELDON: That's a good plan.

You and I were kidnapped.

If I'm going to jail, we're all going to jail.

Oh, you better pull over.

GEORGE JR.: Oh, thank God.

- Well, don't just sit there... follow it. - Why?

It's an ambulance... it's going to the hospital.

Hang on.

MISSY: How about I put the radio on real low?

GEORGE JR.: Shut up.

Mary.

Mom!

- Where are they? - Where's who?

More importantly...

...how is George? SHELDON: - Mom!

- Ah. There they are! - Hey. Oh.

MEEMAW: Ha! I lost the little rascals

in the... hall.

I want to see Dad.

- Me, too. - Me, too.

The doctors are with him now.

I'll take you in a bit.

Why are they here?

I think it's obvious.

They love their daddy.

No, I get that. Why aren't they home in bed?

Well, nobody could sleep.

I thought it was the right thing.

Good bluff.

Shh.

Okay, thank you.

You all need anything? You hungry?

- No. - No, thank you.

Okay, everybody sit tight.

I'm gonna go check on your dad.

Georgie.

Give me my damn keys.

Oh, yeah. Here.

Thank you.

How did I beat you here?

We kept hitting garbage cans.

Oh, God.

I need to wash my hands.

- There are germs here that can kill you. - Hold up.

Now, y'all like it when your meemaw babysits.

Poker, candy, firecrackers.

- Yes. - Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, if your mother ever finds out

what you did tonight,

that is never gonna happen again.

I can't lie to my mother.

Sure you can. Believe in yourself!

(monitor beeping steadily)

(labored breathing)

(amplified heartbeat)

(rapid beeping)

(weak exhale)

(amplified, rapid heartbeat)

(pants quietly)

♪♪

ADULT SHELDON: Despite what it looks like,

I didn't pray to God that night.

I prayed to Blaise Pascal.

My thinking was,

if he was right about the existence of God,

then he could pass along my request

for my dad to get better.

If he was wrong...

well...

in this moment, I needed him to be right.

What's taking so long?

Shh.

Keep your voice down, car thief.

I didn't steal your car, I just borrowed it.

You're gonna need to make bail someday.

Do not come to me.

MARY: Good news!

Your daddy's gonna be fine.

- Should be home in a day or two. - Oh!

And was it a heart attack?

Minor. No permanent damage.

Oh! That's wonderful!

Our prayers have been answered.

Come on, everybody,

let's say hello to your old dad.

♪♪

Come on.

ADULT SHELDON: For a brief moment,

I was filled with the healing power of faith.

Then the next day, we all got violently ill

from Billy Sparks' eggs, and I was over it.

I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began.

Now, everybody knows how, on the first day of creation,

God said, "Let there be light."

And there was light.

And when God saw that light, he knew it was good.

(congregation murmuring)

Oh, here we go.

Yes, Sheldon.

You said he didn't create the sun until day four.

Yeah.

So how could there be light the first three days?

God is light.

So God's a photon?

God's what made photons possible.

And what day did he do that?

I would think day one.

If I grab my chest and keel over, maybe we can get out of here.

That's a terrible thing to say.

...because the first day had just begun.

So, before the Big Bang?

There was no Big Bang.

There was only the Word.

Was the word "kaboom"?

Okay, do it.

(grunts)

We gotta go.

(grunting)

MISSY: What's happening?

- Is it over? - Y-Yes.