Original subtitles

Rick: t-t-t-this is just

Sloppy craftsmanship.

Morty: hey, Rick.

Boy, sure is really especially

Beautiful out there today, huh?

Rick: oh, yes, Morty.

I-it's almost unbelievable,

Isn't it?

Morty: yeah, you know?

There's something about the air

And just the way the sunshine

Is.

Rick: uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.

Sure. B-brilliant.

Very convincing.

Rick: wha convincing?

Morty: oh. Responsive, too.

In real time. I love it.

Morty: uhh...okay.

Beth: [ robotic ] i'm going

To work.

Morty, good morning.

Dad, good morning.

I am going to work. Goodbye.

Morty: what's with mom?

Rick: oh, what's with mom?

So, you're saying that she's

Acting weird?

How soph[burps]isticated.

Careful, guys.

You're gonna burn out the cpu

With this one.

Morty: okay, you know what,

Rick?

You'reacting weird, too.

Rick: whatever,

Quote-unquote "Morty."

Morty: all right, well...

I'll see you after school.

Ow! Oof! Ugh!

Damn it!

I'm all right. I'm okay.

Rick: [ slurps ]

All right, who can tell me

What 5 x 9 is?

[ students whispering ]

Morty?

Morty: uh, me?

What is 5 x 9?

Morty: umm...you know, it's

Uhh...at least 40.

[ students gasp ]

Morty, that's exactly

Correct!

5 x 9 isat least 40!

Come up here.

Whoo! Way to go, Morty!

Everybody, this is the best

Student.

I want youto be the teacher

Today.

Teach us, Morty!

Rick: interesting.

Morty: w-w-w-what do you want

Me to teach you?

Ooh, ooh!

How do you make concentrated

Dark matter?

Oh, that's a good question.

Morty: concentrated huh?

Concentrated dark matter

The fuel for accelerated space

Travel.

Now, do you know how to make it?

Morty: umm...

Come on, Morty.

Isn't your grandpa, like, a

Scientist?

Morty: oh, yeah, but, you

Know, he told me that i

Shouldn't go around spouting off

About, you know, his science and

Stuff.

I bet you've seen him make

Concentrated dark matter a lot.

You know, if you tell us, i'll

Be your girlfriend.

Morty: uh, y-you will?

Seems like a rare

Opportunity, Morty.

[ blam! ]

Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on.

There's a family emergency.

Stop right there!

If he leaves, i'm giving him an

"f."

Rick: he doesn't care.

Morty: aw, man!

Rick, i have to go back!

I think i was about to get

Married!

Ugh!

Rick: take a shower with me,

Morty.

Morty: what?!

Rick: listen to me, Morty.

Get your clothes off and get in

The shower right now.

Y-y-y-you got to trust me,

Morty.

Morty: ugh!

I'm gonna get an "f" in class,

Rick.

Rick: Morty, that's not

Class.

T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher.

This isn't your school.

This entire world is not the

World.

We're inside a huge simulation

Chamber on an alien spaceship.

Morty: wait a minute.

W-what are you talking about?

Rick: it's all fake [burps]

Morty all of it.

Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of

Crazy fake nonsense, Morty.

I couldn't say so until we got

In the shower.

They won't monitor us in here.

Morty: monitor us?! W-who?!

Rick: zigerion scammers,

Morty the galaxy's most

Ambitious, least successful con

Artists.

You know, it's lucky for us

They're also really

Uncomfortable with nudity.

Morty: aw, come on, Rick.

If everyone's just gonna be

Insane today, at least let me be

Insane with jessica.

Rick: i can't [burps] let you

Do that, Morty.

Morty: give it to me!

Rick: no! [ burps ]

You give it to me!

Morty: g-g-give it! No, Rick!

[ aliens groaning ]

Oh, god, sir!

They're still naked!

Ugh.

Well, check every five quintons

And tell me when they're not.

I think we should make kevin

Look, sir.

What?! No!

W-w-why would you even say that?

Uh, sir, we have a situation

Over here.

If there's a wiener on that

Monitor, i swear to god, stu...

Something is drawing a lot of

Processing power.

Oh, wait. No wonder.

There's another real human in

The simulator.

Jerry: okay, Jerry big

Pitch meeting.

Make-or-break time.

[ whirrin]

You can do this.

How did this happen?!

Where's the abductions

Department?

Hey, man, abductions just

Follows the acquisition order.

Don't put this on

Acquisitions!

We only acquire humans that

Haven'tbeen simulated!

Well, simulations doesn't

Simulate anybody that's been

Abducted, so [chuckles]

Oh, i see! Oh, oh!

It was no one's fault.

Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]

I'm sorry.

Well, then, problem solved.

Oh, wait no.

There's still another human in

Here!

Who is he?

Rick's son-in-law,

Jerry smith.

So far, he hasn't noticed he's

In a simulation.

[ sighs ]

Well, cap his sector at 5%

Processing, keep his settings on

Auto, and we'll deal with him

Later.

Rick sanchez is the target.

Jerry: [ inhales deeply ]

Got to relax.

It's just a pitch.

Got to relax.

[ click ]

[ static ]

This is earth radio.

And now, here's...human music.

[ repetitive rhythmic beepin]

Jerry: hmm. Human music.

I like it.

[ beeping continue]

[ Rick and Morty panting ]

Morty: Rick!

Rick: uhp, uhp, uhp!

Morty, keep your hands off your

Ding-dong!

It's the only way we can speak

Freely.

Look around you, Morty.

Do you really think this [burps]

World is real?

You'd have to be an idiot not to

Notice all the sloppy details.

Look that guy's putting a bun

Between two hot dogs.

Morty: i don't know, Rick.

I mean, i've seen people do that

Before.

Rick: well, look at that old

Lady.

She's she's walking a cat on

A leash.

Morty: uh, mrs. Spencer does

That all the time, Rick.

Rick: look, i-i-i don't want

To hear about mrs. Spencer,

Morty!

She's an idiot!

All right, all right, there.

W-what about that, Morty?

Morty: okay, okay, you got me

On that one.

Rick: oh, really,Morty?

Are you sure you haven't seen

That somewhere in real life

Before?

Morty: no, no.

I haven't seen that.

I mean, why would a pop tart

Want to live inside a toaster,

Rick?

I mean, that would be, like, the

Scariest place for them to live.

You know what i mean?

Rick: you're missing the

Point, Morty.

Why would he drive a smaller

Toaster with wheels?

I mean, does your car look like

A smaller version of your house?

No.

Morty: so, why are they doing

This?

W-what do they want?

Rick: well, that would be

Obvious to you, Morty, if you'd

Been paying attention.

[ siren wails ]

[ tires screech ]

We got the president of the

United states in here!

We need 10cc of concentrated

Dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Morty: concentrated dark

Matter?

They were asking about that in

Class.

Rick: yeah, it's a special

Fuel i invented to travel

Through space faster than

Anybody else.

These zigerions are always

Trying to scam me out of my

Secrets, but they made a big

Mistake this time, Morty.

They dragged youinto this.

Now they're gonna pay!

Morty: what do you

W-w-what are we gonna do?

Rick: we'll scam the

Scammers, Morty.

And we're gonna take them for

Everything they've got.

Jerry: national apple farmers

Of america, welcome to our ad

Agency.

I'm Jerry smith.

All right.

I'll just...get to the pitch.

Um, simple question, gentlemen,

[ hoarsely ] what are apples?

[ clears throat ] excuse me.

Ahh.

[ coughs, clears throat ]

What are apples?

Apples are food.

And...when do we need food?

When we're hungry.

With that, i give you your new

Slogan!

[ sighs ]

Well, say something!

Do you like it?

Yes.

Jerry: you do?

All: yes.

Jerry: so...i sold it?

[ laughs ] i sold the idea?

All: yes.

Jerry: oh, my god! Thank you!

Together: thank you.

You're welcome.

[ "baker street" plays ]

Jerry: hey!

I just sold my first pitch!

[ dialing ]

Slow down!

Lookin' good.

My man!

[ beeping, telephone ringing ]

Robot Beth: hello.

Jerry: guess who just sold

The apples campaign.

Robot Beth: who just sold the

Apples campaign?

Jerry: me!

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of

"got milk?" after all.

Guess someonewas wrong.

Robot Beth: yes.

Jerry: well, all is forgiven,

Because right now, i've got an

Erection the size of an

East coast lighthouse, and i'm

Coming home to share it with my

Beautiful wife.

Robot Beth: okay.

Jerry: wait really?

Robot Beth: yes.

Jerry: yes!

See you in 10 minutes!

[ cellphone beeps ]

Hey!

I'm going to make love to my

Wife!

Lookin' good.

Slow down!

My man!

[ beeping ]

Morty: aw, geez, Rick.

I-i don't know if i like this

Plan, you know?

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have

A tendency to make me really

Nervous.

Rick: Morty, relax.

It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s

Out there.

You're gonna be fine.

Just follow my lead.

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

[ hip-hop beat plays ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh-oh, Morty.

This crowd looks too small for

One of ourfamous rap concerts.

I don't think we can perform our

New song, "the recipe for

Concentrated dark matter," for a

Crowd this tiny.

Morty: you got that right,

Rick.

[ cheers and applause ]

Rick: now that's [burps]

More like it!

Morty, here we go.

Let me hear everybody say

"hey-oh!" yeah!

[ crowd cheering ]

All the ladies say, "yeah!"

[ ladies cheering ]

Everybody over 30, do this with

Your hands!

Everybody with a red shirt, jump

Up and down!

[ beeping ]

[ tires screech ]

Jerry: mm. Mm. Mm.

Yeah, don't move.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Mm!

[ cheers and applause ]

Rick: yo, everyone whose

First name begins with an "l"

Who isn't hispanic, walk in a

Circle the same number of times

As the square root of your age

Times 10!

[ beeping ]

Run, Morty!

Before the system reboots!

[ squeaking ]

Jerry: yeah! You like that?

Now who's unremarkable?

You hungry for apples?

[ squeaking intensifies ]

Are you hungry...for...apples?!

[ squeaking stops ]

[ sighs deeply ]

[ chuckles ]

Oh, my god.

That's the best sex i've ever

Had in my life.

It's...it's...too good.

I don't deserve this, Beth.

I'm a fraud.

Morty: oh, man, Rick!

W-w-w-where we running to?

Rick: out of the simulation,

Morty.

Normally, the chamber operates

Like a treadmill, with the

Virtual world disappearing

Behind us and being rendered in

Front of us as we move through

It, but while it's frozen,

Morty, we can get to...

The edge.

Here we go.

Morty: holy crap!

Rick: come on, Morty.

Morty: [ grunts ]

Sir, they're over the edge.

Yes, they are.

Just...as...planned.

[ evil laughter ]

Oh, this is going to be such a

Mind [bleep]

Rick: keep your eyes peeled

For the central processing room,

Morty.

That's how we're gonna scam

These idiots.

Morty: so, hey, why do these

Aliens keep coming after you,

Rick, if you're so much smarter

Than them?

Rick: it's an obsession for

Them at this point.

The zi[burps]gerions have been

Trying to outsmart me for years,

Morty.

Every time they do, i'm one step

Ahead of them.

Aha!

Here we go.

Grab as many processors as you

Can carry, Morty.

These guys aren't good at much,

But they're reallygood at

Making these chips.

Morty: i've got so many, i

Can barely hold them all.

[ chuckles ]

Look at look at this.

Oops. I dropped one.

Rick: don't worry about it,

Morty.

There's plenty of them, you

Little goofball.

[ both laugh ]

Come here, Morty! Oh, i gotcha!

Morty: come on, quit it,

Rick!

Quit it! [ laughs ]

Rick: nothing wrong with just

A little bit of horseplay every

Now and then, little fella.

[ glass shatters ]

Morty: wow. What do you know?

Huh. That was easy.

Rick: totes malotes, dawg.

Morty: just kind of hard to

Believe, you know?

Rick: believe it, Morty.

And once again, i'm flying away

With everything i can carry, and

The zigerions got nothing of

Mine.

Jerry: [ sighs ]

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a...

Minute to talk?

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: look, i'm a fraud.

I mean, let's face it

"hungry for apples" is just a

Rip-off of "got milk?"

It's almost identical.

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: [ sighs ] okay.

I deserve that.

Umm...i guess...i'll just pack

Up my desk.

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: [ crying ]

[ sobbing ] oh, my god.

Wait. You know what?! No!

The milk people don't have a

Patent on simple rhetorical

Questions!

There's not even a single word

In "hungry for apples" that's

Shared by "got milk?"

It's a completely different

Slogan.

It's different!

And i shouldn't be fired.

I should be promoted!

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: yeah!

Wait. Really?

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: yes!

I mean, i'm it may be

Derivative, but it's the most

Successful campaign to come out

Of thagency in a long time.

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: i-i'm not saying it

Should win an award for

Commercials, but it could

Certainly be nominatedfor an

Award for commercials

Specifically about apples,

Like...an appley or something.

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: is there really an

Award called the appley for

Apple-related ad campaigns?

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: could we nominate me?

[ snaps fingers ] yes.

Jerry: holy crap!

[ beeping ]

Rick: get in, Morty.

I'm gonna [burps] be able to use

These processors to make some

Real important science stuff.

[ keypad beeping ]

Huh.

I thought i entered the code

Right.

[ keypad beeping ]

Wha well, what's this?

W-what could this possibly be?

Because it looks like you're

Inside a simulation...

Inside a simulation.

You're still on the ship.

Game-day bucket go boom.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's

Appointment to examine the

Discoloration on your butthole

Flaps was

Too loud, cynthia.

Too loud and too specific.

Rick: uhh...

[ chuckles ]

We've known how to make

Concentrated dark matter for a

Long time.

But now we alsoknow the code to

Your fabled safe, Rick sanchez!

All your most valuable secrets

Will now be ours!

Rick: uh, yeah, until i get

Home before you and change the

Combination, you bunch of

Idiots!

That is why you're never

Getting home.

Get them!

Rick: [ grunts ]

[ aliens shouting, groaning ]

Run, Morty!

[ both panting ]

Morty: oh, my god!

[ beep, click ]

[ mechanical breathing ]

Ow!

[ click, whoosh ]

[ aliens screaming ]

[ both panting ]

Jerry: i got to tell you,

This morning, i didn't even know

This award existed.

Now i'm holdingone.

And...um...

Look, i want to say that today

Was the best day of my life...

But...the truth is, it's it's

More meaningful than that.

My man!

Jerry: yes. Thank you, sir.

[ sighs deeply ]

I...am...finally complete!

[ beeping ]

My my my my man!

Jerry: aah!

What the hell?!

[ beeping ]

No.

Rick: Jerry?!

Morty: dad!

Rick: what are you doing

Here?

W-why are you dressed like a

Waiter?

Screw it. We don't have time.

Come on.

Jerry: [ sobbing ] no!

[ alarm blaring ]

Rick: ohhhhh!

[ beeping ]

Jerry: aah!

All: yes! Yes! Yes!

Oof!

Rick: man up, Jerry!

I may need you to work the

Lasers.

[ beeping ]

[ slurps ]

[ gasps ]

[ alarm blaring ]

Morty: oh, man!

They're hot on our tail, Rick!

Rick: i guess they really do

Have concentrated dark matter.

Morty: well, you know how to

Make it, too, right, Rick?

Rick: yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, check the engine room.

We just need cesium, plutonic

Quarks, and bottled water.

Morty: it's all here, Rick!

Rick: wow, Morty.

Lucky break.

Grab that bucket.

Okay, two parts plutonic quarks,

One part cesium.

Morty: okay. Uh-huh.

[ fizzing ]

All right.

Rick: now empty the water

Bottle into the bucket and pour

It all into the fuel tank so we

Can get the hell out of here!

What are you doing, Morty?!

There's no time!

[ beeping ]

Morty: [ stammering ]

Rick: oh, no.

Jerry: what the

Rick: no!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god, Rick.

How dumb are you?

You're inside a simulation...

Of a simulation...

Inside another giant simulation!

[ laughs ]

W-we never had the recipe for

Concentrated dark matter.

But we do now!

We do now, sucka!

Rick: you simulated my

Grandson's genitalia?!

Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons

Of bitches!

Kevin fought real hard to

Supervise that project.

You said you weren't gonna

Tell anyone!

I'm never gonna live this down,

Am i?

Rick: all right. Okay.

All right, great. Wonderful.

You win. Can we go home now?

I don't know. Canyou?

Ha! Nice.

Okay, okay.

Show this gullible turd to his

Shuttle.

I'm done with him.

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

[ shutter clicks ]

Aww. Look at his face.

He's trying to figure out if

He's in a simulation still.

Are you, Rick?

Are you?

[ laughs ]

You're not.

Or ayou?

Oh, a-and, by the way, i don't

Have discolored butthole flaps.

That was part of the simulation.

Oh.

Uh, sir, should i cancel that

Appointment, then?

Yeah! Of course you should!

[ chuckles ]

No, keep it.

Move it up, actually, if you

Can.

Rick: hey, Jerry, don't worry

About it.

So what if the most meaningful

Day of your life was a

Simulation operating at minimum

Cap[burps]acity?

Jerry: you know what, Rick?

Those guys took youfor a ride,

Too.

You should try having a little

Respect for the dummies of the

Universe, now that you're one of

Us.

Rick: maybe you're right,

Jerry.

Maybe you're right.

[ aliens cheering ]

[ dance music plays ]

All right, everybody.

Two parts plutonic quarks...

One part cesium...

[ fizzing ]

A-and listen, i'm sorry for

Éling earlier.

I-i couldn't ask for a better

Staff.

I love you guys, and i love all

Your families.

And the final ingredient...

Jerry: whoa!

What the hell?!

W-what happened back there?

Rick: why don't you ask the

Smartest people in the universe,

Jerry?

Oh, yeah. [ burps ] you can't.

They blew up.

[ sighs ]

[ beep ]

[ "baker street" play]

[ vocalizing ]

[ vocalizing out of sync ]

[ "baker street" continues ]

Jerry: so...

What do you think?

You're fired.

Jerry: wha

But t-this idea was tested in a

State-of-the-art simulation.

Well, then, it was a terrible

Simulation.

Get out.

[ door opens, closes ]

Man, how does a guy like that go

Home and have sex with his wife?

Rick: hey, Morty.

Morty: what?

Rick: hey, little buddy.

H-h-how you doing in here right

Now?

Morty: aw, geez, Rick.

What are you doing, man?

Rick: y-y-you're a good kid,

Morty.

Y-you're a real l-little

C-character, Morty.

Morty: oh, boy.

Rick: you know, i had a

Really rocky road today,

M-Morty.

You're my little friend, aren't

You?

[ sighs ]

We had some good times together,

Huh, m-Morty?

We

You're a real true hero out in

The fld.

You're a li

You're a real trouper, huh,

M-m-Morty?

Morty: have you been

Drinking, Rick?

Rick: i really appreciate

You, Morty.

Morty: o-okay, cool.

A-all right, Rick

Rick: you little son of a

Bitch!

Y-y are you a simulation?!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Morty: no! No! No!

Rick: you little son of a

Bitch!

Morty: [ gasping ]

Rick: i-i-i'm sorry, Morty.

Y-you're a good

You're a good kid, Morty.

Morty: geez!

Rick: y-you're a good

You're a good kid.

Morty: oh, my god!

Rick: [ snoring ]

Morty: w-w-what the hell?

What a life.

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