Original subtitles

>> Jerry: ♪ LAST KING CHRISTMAS

LAST ARRIVED ♪

♪ ON THE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ♪

[ SNIFFS ]

MMM.

JERRY, YOU ARE REALLY GIVING IT

TO THIS HAM.

[ DEVICES BEEPING ]

UM, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HELLO?

MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER FOR

THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS.

CAN WE STOW THE GADGETS AND LOOK

ALIVE?

>> Beth: ALIVE?

FOR YOURPARENTS?

>> Jerry: MM, GOOD ONE.

>> Beth: HEY, MAN!

>> Jerry: YOU"HEY, MAN!"

THIS HOLIDAY IS ABOUT HUMANITY.

>> Morty: YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT

WAS ABOUT BEING BORN HALF-GOD

OR SOMETHING.

>> Jerry: WHATEVER.

ALL ELECTRONIC ITEMS ARE GOING

IN THE STOCKING NOW.

>> Morty: [ GROANS ]

>> Summer: DAD, I'M NOT GIVING

YOU MY PHONE.

>> Jerry: PUT IT IN THE

STOCKING, SUMMER, OR I'M JOINING

FACEBOOK.

>> Summer: [ GASPS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Rick: A-HO, HO, HO,

EVERYBODY.

>> Jerry: MORE LIKE "WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA."

WHAT IS THIS?

MY PARENTS ARE COMING!

>> Rick: CALM DOWN, JERRY.

THIS IS REUBEN, AN OLD FRIEND.

>> PEARL HARBOR.

>> Rick: I CHECK IN ON HIM ONCE

A YEAR AND GIVE HIM A LITTLE

[BURPS] MEDICAL [BURPS]

EVALUATION.

>> Beth: AWW!

DAD, THAT IS SO SWEET!

>> Jerry: YEAH, IT IS.

I DON'T GET IT.

>> KOREA.

>> Rick: DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR

[BURPS] C-CHRISTMAS, JERRY.

[BURPS] I'LL BE WITH REUBEN IN

MY WORKSHOP WHILE YOU GUYS ARE

HAVING ANOTHER DAY IN

PHIL COLLINS' PROVERBIAL

PARADISE.

>> Jerry: HUH.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OKAY, THERE'S MY PARENTS.

NOW, REMEMBER NO TV, NO

PHONES, NO LAPTOPS.

WE ARE CONNECTING THIS

CHRISTMAS, LIKE OLD-SCHOOL JEWS

ON A SATURDAY.

HEY, HEY!

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON.

>> Jerry: UH, HI.

CAN I HELP YOU?

>> JERRY, THIS IS JACOB.

DIDN'T YOU GET OUR TEXT MESSAGE?

>> Together: NO!

>> YOU MUST BE JERRY.

THAT'S A FINE-LOOKING APRON.

WILLIAMS-SONOMA?

>> Jerry: I WISH! [ CHUCKLES ]

BUT THANK YOU.

SO, YOU'RE A... FRIEND OF THE

FAMILY?

>> UH, THE WAY WE SEE IT, HE'S A

PART OF THE FAMILY.

>> Jerry: WOW.

>> AFTER YOUR FATHER'S BRUSH

WITH CANCER AND LOSING YOUR

UNCLE, WE LOOKED AT LIFE AND

WONDERED, HOW HAVE WE SPENT IT,

AND HOW DO WE SPEND THE REST OF

IT?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BE WHEN WE

DIE A LIST OF FEARS AND

QUESTIONS OR A COLLECTION OF

REAL EXPERIENCES?

>> Beth: HOLY CRAP.

JOYCE, THAT'S AMAZING.

>> THEN JACOB CAME INTO OUR

LIVES, AND... WE'RE LEARNING TO

LIVE AGAIN.

>> ALL THREE OF US.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jerry: COOL.

EGGNOG?

>> NOW WE ARE TALKING!

THIS MAN'S GOT THE APRON AND THE

EGGNOG, HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Rick: HI, JOYCE. LEONARD.

HELLO, THERE.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAN.

>> Rick: MORTY, A MOMENT OF YOUR

TIME?

>> [ GURGLING ]

>> Rick: HE'S IN BAD SHAPE,

MORTY.

>> Morty: AW, GEEZ, RICK.

WHAT'D YOU DO?

>> Rick: GEE, THANKS, MORTY.

W-W-WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU

THINK I AM?

I-I-I'M SITTING HERE TRYING TO

SAVE THE GUY'S LIFE.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

I WANT YOU TO FIND

DR. XENON BLOOM.

HE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> Morty: UH, W-W-W-WHERE

WHERE DO I FIND DR. BLOOM?

>> Rick: IN REUBEN.

>> Morty: REUBEN, MINNE

MINNESOTA?

>> Rick: REUBEN ON THE TABLE,

MORTY.

LOOK, I-I-I [BELCHES] I DON'T

HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR

LITTLE WALNUT AROUND EVERYTHING.

JUST HOLD YOUR BREATH UNTIL THE

PROCESS IS OVER OR YOUR LUNGS

WILL COLLAPSE.

>> Morty: WHAT PROC

[ SCREAMS ]

>> Rick: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Beth: HEY, DAD, WHERE'S

MORTY?

>> Rick: HE'S BUSY.

>> Morty: [ SCREAMING ]

[ PANTING ]

>> Rick: MORTY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

HEAD NORTH.

>> Morty: RICK, WHERE AM I?

>> Rick: DEPENDING ON MY AIM,

YOU SHOULD BE JUST SOUTH OF THE

ENTRANCE.

>> Morty: ENTRANCE TO WHAT?

>> Rick: WELCOME, MORTY.

WELCOME...

>> Morty: [ GASPS ]

>> Rick:... TO ANATOMY PARK!

IT'S A LITTLE BUSINESS VENTURE

I'VE BEEN COOKING UP ON THE SIDE

WITH DR. BLOOM AN AMUSEMENT

PARK INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.

SCIENCE ISN'T CH [BURPS]

CHEAP, MORTY.

THIS SHOULD REALLY HELP PUT A

DENT IN THE OVERHEAD.

>> Morty: OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS INSANE!

SPLEEN MOUNTAIN?

BLADDER FALLS?

PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS?

>> Rick: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH

THAT LAST ONE, MORTY?

>> Morty: HUH? NO, NO.

I'M JUST READING'EM OUT LOUD IN

THE ORDER THAT I'M SEEING'EM.

>> Rick: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

IF I SOUNDED A LITTLE DEFENSIVE,

IT'S BECAUSE

PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS WAS MY

BABY.

YOU KNOW, I GOT I GOT A LOT

OF PUSHBACK WHEN I PITCHED IT,

MORTY.

I GUESS I'M STILL A LITTLE

DEFENSIVE.

LET'S JUST FIND DR. BLOOM,

ALL RIGHT?

I-I'M PICKING UP A DISTRESS

SIGNAL IN THE LIVER, MORTY.

PROCEED TO THE LIVER.

>> ARRIVING AT...

[ BELL DINGS ]

... LIVER.

>> Morty: OW!

>> MIND THE GAP.

>> Morty: IT'S REALLY SCARY IN

HERE, RICK.

>> Rick: THE LIVER'S UNDER

MAINTENANCE.

REUBEN'S SEEN SOME ROUGH YEARS,

MORTY.

DON'T JUDGE.

YOU DON'T AGREE TO HAVE A THEME

PARK BUILT INSIDE YOU IF YOUR

LIFE'S GOING GREAT.

>> [ ROARS ]

>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]

RICK! IT'S A MONSTER!

>> Rick: NO, NO, NO. MORTY.

THE ONLY MONSTER HERE IS

ALCO...[BELCHES]... HOLISM.

THAT IS AN ANIMATRONIC WEREWOLF.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

WHO ARE YOU?!

ANSWER ME!

WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?

>> Morty: MY MY MY GRANDPA

RICK SENT ME!

>> PONCHO!

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH.

MORTY, THAT'S PONCHO.

THIS IS ROGER AND ANNIE.

>> Morty: [ GASPS ]

>> AND I AM DR. XENON BLOOM.

>> Morty: [ GASPS ]

>> Rick: HEY, BLOOM, IT'S RICK.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THE

ENTIRE SECURITY SYSTEM HAS SHUT

DOWN, AND I'M AFRAID... THE

EXHIBITS ARE UNLOCKED.

>> Morty: EXHIBITS?

>> ANATOMY PARK'S GREATEST

ATTRACTION, YOUNG MAN, ISN'T THE

MUSIC OR THE FOOD OR THE...

PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.

>> Rick: WATCH IT.

>> IT IS, FIRST AND FOREMOST, A

LIVING MUSEUM OF HUMANITY'S MOST

NOBLE AND FEROCIOUS DISEASES.

>> Morty: DISEASES?

[ CREATURE ROARS ]

>> HEY, DOC.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

YOUR LIVING MUSEUM IS OFFICIALLY

A WILD SAFARI!

>> HEPATITIS A! RUN!

[ ALL SCREAM ]

>> OH, THE FOOD GOES INYOUR

MOUTH, GIRL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ Laughing ] OH, JACOB.

>> Jerry: [ LAUGHS ]

I-I'M SORRY, JACOB.

I-I GUESS I'M STILL CONFUSED

ABOUT THE PRECISE NATURE AND

ORIGIN OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH

MY PARENTS.

ARE YOU, LIKE, UH ARE YOU,

LIKE, THEIR CARETAKER?

IS THAT WHAT IT IS?

>> WE CAN GO INTO DETAIL LATER,

SON.

>> NOW, WAIT.

TH-THERE'S NO POINT TO SECRECY.

LET'S ALL LIVE AND DIE HONESTLY.

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SHARED

40 YEARS OF EACH OTHER, MIND,

BODY, AND SOUL, AND WHEN MINDS

AND SOULS ARE JOINED FOR

ETERNITY AND WHEN ETERNITY IS

AT THE DOOR, IT'S AN INVITATION

TO LET GO OF THE BODY AND AN

OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE AND

EXPERIMENT.

>> Jerry: DAD, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> Beth: WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S

BEAUTIFUL, LEONARD, AND WE

SUPPORT YOU.

>> Jerry: HEY, SPEAK FOR

YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT [LAUGHS

NERVOUSLY] SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE

ABOUT TO SAY JACOB IS YOUR

LOVER.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

JACOB IS YOUR MOTHER'S LOVER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I WATCH THEM SOMETIMES FROM A

CHAIR AND SOMETIMES FROM A

CLOSET, ALMOST ALWAYS DRESSED AS

SUPERMAN.

>> [ SMOOCHES ]

>> OH.

JERRY, THIS HAM HAS GOT TO BE

ALL YOU, RIGHT?

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Summer: HAPPY HUMAN HOLIDAY,

DAD.

>> AAH!

>> [ ROARS ]

>> HEPATITIS WON'T FOLLOW US

INTO THE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM.

>> THAT'S STRANGE.

AIRFLOW IS DOWN 20%.

>> SO, THE BRAIN ISN'T GETTING

ENOUGH OXYGEN.

THAT'SWHY SECURITY'S OFFLINE.

>> Morty: WELL, I GUESS WE

BETTER CHECK IT OUT.

>> HEY! WAIT FOR ME!

>> PUT THAT BACK ON!

>> IF WE GOT UP TO THE BRONCHIAL

CATWALK, WE COULD LOOK FOR A

BLOCKAGE.

>> Morty: I'LL GO.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

>> DON'T BE A HERO, KID.

>> Morty: I'M NOT.

I'M DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S FUN.

>> WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

>> WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FIRE

THAT THING IN HERE.

WE MUST SAVE REUBEN.

THIS IS MY LIFE'S WORK.

[ BLOB SQUEALS ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR.

NEARLY ALL HUMAN LUNGS CONTAIN A

STRAIN OF THESE BACTERIA, BUT

THE SCAR TISSUE KEEPS THEM...

DORMANT.

MORTY, GET DOWN!

>> Morty: WHOA-HO-HO!

WHOA!

[ BACTERIA SNARL ]

>> Morty: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

[ GRUNTING ]

OH, WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?

>> TUBERCULOSIS COMING IN

FAST!

>> NOT FASTER THAN A BULLET!

AAH!

>> NO!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> All: WHOA!

>> GET TO THE DIGESTIVE TRACT!

HE'S COUGHING!

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> WHOAAAA!

DON'T LET ME DIE!

>> Rick: JUST TAKE A DEEP

BREATH, REUBEN.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> Morty: YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MY NAME IS...

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> ALEXAND [ SCREAMS ]

>> [ COUGHS ]

[ ALL GRUNT ]

>> Morty: RICK R-R-REUBEN'S

GOT TUBERCULOSIS!

>> Rick: OH, GREAT WORK, MORTY.

OKAY, I'LL JUST CURE IT AND

THEN

[ FLATLINE ]

OKAY.

WELL, I CAN'T CURE DEATH.

THIS IS BAD, MORTY.

YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A DEAD MAN.

LISTEN, IF THE SITUATION KEEPS

DARKENING, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR

AND POP BY

PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.

OBVIOUSLY I'M BIASED, BUT I

THINK IT'S GREAT, MORTY.

IT'S A BUNCH OF [BELCHES]

PIRATES RUNNING AROUND A

[BELCHES] PANCREAS.

WE DON'T WHITEWASH IT, EITHER,

MORTY.

I MEAN, THE PIRATES ARE REALLY

RAPEY.

THE TOP PRIORITY IS TO GET, YOU

KNOW, YOU GUYS OUT OF THERE, BUT

I'M JUST SAYING, IF THAT BECOMES

IMPOSSIBLE, PLEASE, YOU GOTTA

TREAT YOURSELF.

>> Morty: OH, MAN.

W-W-W-WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE

SMELL?

>> YOU MEAN THE PANDA EXPRESS?

[ CHUCKLES ]

KIDDING. I-I'M KIDDING.

THE BODY IS BEGINNING TO

CONSTRICT AND FILL WITH GAS.

WE'RE INSIDE A CORPSE, MY BOY.

ANATOMY PARK IS DOOMED.

>> Morty: FORGET ABOUT THE

PARK, DOCTOR!

HOW DO WE GET OUT?

>> THE DIGESTIVE TRACT IS THE

EVACUATION ROUTE.

GET IT?

THERE'S AN EMERGENCY STATION IN

THE COLON WITH A RAY THAT CAN

ENLARGE US ALL.

>> Morty: EVERYBODY, HEAD FOR

THE COLON!

>> NOW I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A

12-YEAR-OLD BOY?

>> MORTY, THE SCAR SACS

CONTAINING THE TUBERCULOSIS WERE

SABOTAGED.

THIS DISASTER WAS AN INSIDE JOB.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON ANNIE.

SHE WAS WRITTEN UP SEVERAL TIMES

BY HER MANAGER AT THE CHURRO

STAND.

>> INTESTINES ARE AHEAD TO THE

LEFT, THEN TO THE RIGHT, THEN

LEFT, ET CETERA.

>> Morty: HEY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I-I-I'M ACTUALLY 14.

SO, YOU KNOW...

>> WHAT?

>> Morty: NOT 12.

>> OKAY.

>> Morty: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE

JUST SAID I WAS 12.

>> OH.

GOOD FOR YOU.

>> Rick: OOF. UGH. MORTY.

STRIKE ONE.

>> Morty: [ GROANS ]

[ FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ IT'S A ROAD OF WONDER ♪

♪ A TRAIL OF FOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A PATHWAY TO BREAK UP

THE BAD AND GOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A TUBE THAT DIGESTS

AND THEN SENDS OUT THE REST ♪

♪ IT'S A SMALL, SMALL

INTESTINE ♪

>> IT GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR

MILES.

>> THEN WE GET TO THE LARGE

INTESTINE!

[ CREATURE ROARS ]

SHH!

I HEAR SOMETHING.

>> [ ROARS ]

>> Don't move.

Gonorrhea can't see us if we

don't move.

>> [ ROARS ]

>> WAIT, I WAS WRONG.

I WAS THINKING OF A T. REX.

[ ALL SCREAM ]

>> MOVE!

>> WE'RE SITTING DUCKS!

>> Morty: DOC, DIDN'T YOU SAY

THAT THE BODY WAS FILLING WITH

GAS?

>> YES. WHY?

>> KID, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

>> ARE YOU MAD?!

>> Morty: EVERYBODY, IN HERE!

>> [ ROARS ]

>> HEY, GONORRHEA!

HOW'S THISFOR A BURNING

SENSATION?

>> [ GROANS ]

>> HUH.

>> Morty: [ GIGGLES ]

>> Summer: ♪ DRUMMER DRUM DRUM

DRUM DRUM DRUM ♪

♪ DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM

DRUM ♪

♪ CHRISTMAS DRUMS ♪

>> OH, SING IT, SUMMER.

>> Summer: ♪ CHRISTMAS DRUMS

BEING PLAYED BY A BO-O-O-Y ♪

>> OH, I LOVE TO HEAR YOU SING.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Summer: [ SCATTING ]

>> Beth: JERRY, COME ON.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

>> Jerry: I GET IT, BETH.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR TAKING

YOUR iPAD.

>> Beth: WHAT?

JERRY, LET THAT STUFF GO, OKAY?

I'M SORRY I WAS A BITCH EARLIER.

LET'S JUST BE HERE.

>> [ GRUNTS ] SUMMER!

>> Summer: ETHAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> I'VE BEEN TEXTING YOU FOR

HOURS!

WHAT THE HELL?!

>> Summer: I DON'T HAVE MY

PHONE!

I'M DOING A HUMAN HOLIDAY!

>> WELL, DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER

HOW THAT MIGHT MAKE MEFEEL?!

>> Summer: HOW YOUFEEL?!

WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS

HAPPENING TO YOU?!

>> Jerry: SUMMER, DO YOU HAVE A

BOYFRIEND?

>> YEAH, DO YOU, SUMMER?

>> Summer: I DON'T KNOW, ETHAN.

DO I?!

>> JERRY, NO DISRESPECT, BUT YOU

REALLY NEED TO CONNECT MORE WITH

YOUR FAMILY, MAN.

>> I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACCESS

THE BACKUP GENERATOR TO GET THE

GROWTH RAY ONLINE.

IF IT WORKS, WE'LL BE

REGULAR-SIZED IN A FEW MINUTES.

I JUST HOPE REUBEN'S NOT IN A

ROOM WITH WHITE CARPETS OR

UPHOLSTERY.

[ RUMBLING ]

>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

>> THE SPHINCTER DAM.

WE BUILT IT WHEN REUBEN BECAME

INCONTINENT, BUT IT WAS NOT

DESIGNED TO HOLD A CORPSE LOAD.

>> I'VE ALMOST GOT IT.

EVERYBODY, MOVE INSIDE THE

CIRCLE.

[ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ]

>> Morty: PONCHO?

WHAT IS THIS IN YOUR BACKPACK?

>> THAT'S BUBONIC PLAGUE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT,

PONCHO?

>> [ GASPS ]

>> EVERYBODY, GET BACK!

>> PONCHO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU RELEASED THE TUBERCULOSIS

SO YOU COULD STEAL FROM ME?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PAY TOP

DOLLAR TO DECIMATE THE

POPULATION.

I'LL TAKE THE HIGHEST BIDDER

AL-QAEDA, NORTH KOREA,

REPUBLICANS, SHRINERS, BALDING

MEN THAT WORK OUT, PEOPLE ON THE

INTERNET THAT ARE ONLY TURNED ON

BY CARTOONS OF JAPANESE

TEENAGERS ANYTHING IS BETTER

THAN WORKING FOR YOU, YOU

POMPOUS, NEGLIGENT,

iTUNES-GIFT-CARD-AS-A-HOLIDAY-

BONUS-GIVING MOTHER

>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]

>> [ GRUNTS ]

COME ON!

>> Morty: [ GROANS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ]

>> AAH!

[ GRUNTS ] GET OFF!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ RUMBLING ]

>> YOU GUYS!

>> IT'S GONNA BURST! GO!

GO, GO, GO!

[ ALL PANTING ]

MY FOOT IS STUCK.

>> NO!

>> IT'S OKAY!

IT'S OKAY. JUST GO.

TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM.

THEY MAY BE HARD TO FIND'CAUSE

MY WIFE KEPT HER LAST NAME AND

SHE MADE THE KIDS TAKE IT, TOO,

SO, I-I DON'T KNOW, YOU CAN

>> NO!

[ SOBS ]

>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

ETHAN.

WHERE'S THE ANGER COMING FROM,

MAN?

>> FROM SUMMER BEING A TOTAL

BITCH!

>> WHERE'S THE ANGER COMING

FROM?

>> MY BROTHER... TOOK ME FISHING

ONCE... IN THE BUSHES...

[ WHIMPERS ]

[ Voice breaking ] I CAN'T... I

CAN'T...

[ SOBS ]

HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A GIRL!

I HE MADE ME A GIRL!

[ SOBS ]

>> HE DIDN'T MAKE YOU ANYTHING,

MAN.

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE.

SHE IS WHO SHE IS.

NOW, YOU GO TO HER... BRAND-NEW.

>> COME HERE, RIGHT NOW.

>> Summer: OH, MY GOD.

I'M SO SORRY, ETHAN!

I LOVE YOU!

>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Jerry: UM...

>> YOU DID IT AGAIN, CUBBIE.

COME HERE.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Jerry: NO! STOP! I HATE THIS!

>> WELL, CHRISTMAS DOESN'T

REVOLVE AROUND WHAT YOU HATE,

SON.

>> Jerry: WELL, THEN I HATE

CHRISTMAS!

ENJOY BEING HUMAN!

YOU GUYS ARE GROSS AND LAME.

>> MY NAME'S REUBEN RIDLEY.

YOU'RE INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT

BY THE END OF THIS JOURNEY...

>> WHOOPSIE.

>> I'LL BE INSIDE ALL OF YOU.

MY STORY BEGINS DURING THE

DOT-COM CRASH IN THE EARLY

'90s.

[ WHIRRING ]

>> YOU CAN PUT YOUR FINGERS

WHEREVER YOU WANT.

>> Rick: MORTY, YOU WANT TO PUT

IT ON MUTE OR SOMETHING?

I'M I'M TRYING TO

CONCENTRATE.

>> Jerry: UH... RICK?

>> Rick: NOT NOW, JERRY.

I'VE GOT [BELCHES] MUCH, MUCH

SMALLER FISH TO FRY.

>> Jerry: I WANTED TO SAY I'M

SORRY I EVER JUDGED YOU.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE MY SANEST

RELATIVE.

>> Rick: RELATIVE.

R-RELATIVE SIZE!

JERRY, HAND ME A SCALPEL AND A

BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE.

MORTY, CAN YOU GET TO THE LEFT

NIPPLE?

>> Morty: ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M HOPING I CAN GET TO BOTH OF

'EM, RICK.

>> Rick: NO, MORTY, I'M TALKING

ABOUT REUBEN'SLEFT NIPPLE.

[ RUMBLING ]

>> Morty: [ GRUNTS ]

WE NEED TO GET TO THE LEFT

NIPPLE!

>> THE BODY IS DECAYING.

THE ARTERIAL TRANSIT SYSTEM IS

USELESS.

WE CAN TRY THE SERVICE SHUTTLE.

IT'S CONNECTED TO THE SKELETAL

SYSTEM.

THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT THE BONE

TRAIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE THE

BONE TRAIN, MISS?

>> IF IT'LL GET US OUT OF HERE.

>> HOW ABOUT YOU, MORTY?

WOULD YOULIKE TO RIDE THE BONE

TRAIN?

>> Morty: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

BIT?

WE'RE GONNA DIE! LET'S GO!

>> Jerry: WELL... I CAN SEE

YOU'RE BUSY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RICK.

>> Rick: [ GROANS ]

>> THERE'S NO AUTOPILOT.

ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO STAY HERE

AND OPERATE IT MANUALLY.

>> Morty: UH, WELL...

>> NO, YOU'RE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I-IT WAS A DICK MOVE FOR ME TO

EVEN PAUSE LIKE THAT.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

YOU GO ON.

[ BACTERIA SCREECHING ]

>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

>> E. COLI OUTBREAK.

HURRY!

>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]

>> [ GRUNTS ]

WAIT, THERE ISAN AUTOPILOT.

WAIT!

IT'S OKAY! NEVER MIND!

I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF

ANYWAY!

THEY'RE THEY'RE CHEWING

THROUGH THE DOORS!

>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]

>> Morty: WE'RE IN THE AREOLA,

RICK ALMOST TO THE NIPPLE,

BUT WE'RE ALSO IN A REALLY BAD

SITUATION!

>> Rick: I'M ALMOST THERE,

MORTY!

>> REPORTS FROM ALL OVER THE

COUNTRY HAVE BEEN COMING IN

ABOUT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A

GIANT, NAKED MAN OVER THE

CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES.

WE NOW GO TO TOM RANDOLPH IN

NEW YORK.

TOM?

>> WELL, THE EYES AREN'T

TWINKLING AND THE DIMPLES AREN'T

MERRY, BUT I'M STANDING UNDER A

NOSE LIKE A 70-MILE CHERRY.

>> THANK YOU, TOM.

LET'S GO NOW TO ERIC McMAHAN IN

LOS ANGELES.

>> WE'VE GOT FEET HERE ON THE

WEST COAST, BILL GIANT FEET,

EVEN RELATIVE TO THE GIANT MAN'S

SIZE, AND YOU KNOWWHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT THAT.

>> WELL, IF THE OLD ADAGE IS

TRUE, ONE CAN ONLY WONDER WHAT'S

GOING DOWN IN THE

ROCKY MOUNTAINS.

>> WHA?

[ SCREAMS ]

[ BACTERIA SCREECHING ]

>> Morty: OH MY GOD, THE TRACK!

>> IT'S HEPATITIS A!

>> Morty: AAAAH!

[ SCREAMS ]

>> [ GASPS ]

THE NIPPLE HOLE.

>> Morty: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> [ ROARS ]

>> OH, NO!

>> Morty: HOLY CRAP!

>> WHOA! IT'S HEPATITIS C!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Morty: UM... WAIT DID WE

HAVE SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP

WITH HIM?

>> I THINK THEY'RE JUST LIKE

THAT?

I THINK THEY'RE JUST GOOD GUYS.

>> Morty: OH. HUH.

>> Rick: WHERE'S DR. BLOOM?

>> Morty: I'M SORRY, RICK, BUT

HE'S DEAD.

>> Rick: GOD DAMN IT, MORTY.

I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING!

>> Beth: JERRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT

HE'S MISSING.

>> HE'LL COME AROUND, BETH.

CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME.

IT HAS FUNNY WAYS OF BRINGING

FAMILIES TOGETHER.

>> Beth: I DON'T KNOW, JACOB.

JERRY GOT AN INVITATION TO BE

ALIVE TODAY, AND HE REJECTED IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF OUR MARRIAGE

WILL...

>> Summer: [ GASPS ]

IT'S RAINING BLOOD!

>> OH, SHIT. FIND JERRY.

>> OH, GOD.

>> Beth: JERRY!

>> Jerry: IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE TV SAYS THERE'S NOTHING TO

WORRY ABOUT.

>> THE GIANT, NAKED SKY SANTA

HAS EXPLODED.

BLOOD AND CHUNKS OF VISCERA ARE

RAINING DOWN ON THE COUNTRY.

EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE.

[ ALL SIGH ]

>> OH, YES.

>> Summer: DAD, CAN I HAVE MY

PHONE BACK?

>> Jerry: A SURE, SWEETIE. HERE.

EVERYBODY, TAKE A DEVICE.

IT'LL HELP YOU RELAX.

>> THIS IS NICE.

>> Jerry: YEAH.

LOOK, I GUESS WE REALLY LEARNED

SOMETHING THIS CHRISTMAS, JACOB.

>> Summer: NO, WE DIDN'T, DAD.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

>> Rick: TOO BAD ABOUT

DR. BLOOM.

HE WAS A GENIUS THE ONLY MAN

CAPABLE OF CREATING A NEW

ANATOMY PARK.

>> ACTUALLY, I STUDIED

DR. BLOOM'S WORK.

I-I-I-I BELIEVE I HAVE THE

KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO CREATE AN

ENTIRELY NEW, MUCH SAFER PARK.

>> Rick: WHAT ABOUT...

PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS?

>> I THINK IT WAS ONE OF THE

MOST UNDERRATED ATTRACTIONS.

>> Rick: BOO-YAH!

HOLD YOUR BREATH.

>> Morty: HEY, W-W-WHAT THE

HELL, RICK?!

WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I LIKED HER!

I REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING

THERE, RICK!

>> Rick: YEAH, SO I HEARD.

[BELCHES] YOU DODGED A BULLET,

MORTY TRUST ME.

Puffy vagina.

>> Morty: W-WHAT'S WRONG WITH

THAT?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A

PROBLEM TO ME.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Rick: COME ON, LET'S GET

SOME STUFFING.

I'M STARVING.

[ GADGETS BEEPING ]

OH, UNBELIEVABLE.

WE GOT WE GOT A BUNCH OF

ROBOT, COMPUTER PEOPLE, SITTING

AROUND WITH THEIR FACES STUFFED

INTO COMPUTER SCREENS.

DO YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT CHRIST

WAS BORN TODAY?

JESUS CHRIST, OUR SAVIOR, WAS

BORN TODAY.

ARE ARE ARE YOU PEOPLE

EVEN HUMAN?

WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?

>> HEY, RICK?

RICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

>> Rick: LOUD AND CLEAR, ANNIE.

>> GREAT.

WE'RE ALSO ON WITH ALEJANDRO,

OUR CHF IMAGINARIAN.

>> HEY, RICK.

>> NATALIE JACOBS AND

CHRIS DESETER FROM MICROSCOPIC

MARKETING, ZACK FROM ORGAN

CONCEPTS, AND JAMIE FROM NEW

MEDIA.

>> Rick: HEY, EVERYBODY.

>> HI, HOW'S IT GOING?

>> HI, RICK.

>> SO, PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.

>> Rick: YEAH. TALK TO ME.

>> HEY, RICK.

IT'S ALEJANDRO SPEAKING.

UM, SO, WE ASKED OURSELVES,

INTERNALLY WE ASKED OURSELVES

OVER HERE, "OKAY, WHAT DOES A

PANCREAS DO?"

AND THE ANSWER WAS, "DOES IT

MAKE PIRATES?"

NO, IT MAKES INSULIN, YOU KNOW?

SO, WE'RE STARTING WITH A NEW

>> THOSE GUYS ARE INSIDE ME,

HUH?

LIKE, BUILDING A PARK?

>> Rick: THOSE GUYS ARE INSIDE

YOU BUILDING A PCE OF SHIT,

ETHAN!

THEY'RE INSIDE YOU BUILDING A

MONUMENT TO COMPROMISE!

[BLEEP]'EM.

[BLEEP] THOSE PEOPLE.

[BLEEP] THIS WHOLE THING, ETHAN.

>> COOL.

AND WHO PAYS ME?

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