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[MAN WITH GOOFY VOICE]
Previously on Kidding...
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[JEFF] Go, go, go!
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I found out what the P
in "P-Hound" stands for.
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Now every time I see the letter P,
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00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:09,376
I think of the word "pussy."
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We are losing control of him.
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We need versions of him we can control.
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[SEB] This is the drawer
of letters from women.
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This one's from Akron.
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You know, it's only two hours away.
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Give her a call. Buy
her some cheesecake.
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Married.
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In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
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[GASPING] Aah!
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[SPEAKING SPANISH] _
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_
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[SPEAKING SPANISH] _
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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This job is hard.
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This job's the easiest shit I've done
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my whole fucking life.
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No, pickles make me sad now.
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I see pickles, I see
that dead Pickle boy
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on the road.
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I see his family suffering.
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I see pickles, I see tears.
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[SCOFFS]
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Why you fucking do that?
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Now I see it, too.
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Fuck, Sheila.
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Ruining pickles and shit.
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Fuck you, Sheila.
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♪ ♪
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Murderer!
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♪ ♪
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Thank you for a lovely evening.
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[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
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[QUIRKY MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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_
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Why do you feel guilty?
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[JEFF] I like you.
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I like Vivian.
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I don't like having
feelings for two people.
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- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.
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I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.
58
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I feel like I've
discovered the South Pole.
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I don't want you to feel bad.
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I don't want to hurt you.
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You're never gonna not
be important to me.
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You're never gonna not
be important to me.
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Well, I think it's great, too.
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Just the other night, I
was thinking to myself,
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"Are there any ladies that I know
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who would be a good match for Jeff?"
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And... literally nobody came to mind.
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Thanks, Giant P.
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- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it?
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I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.
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I'm offering you many...
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blessings and much good luck here
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on your new relationship.
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Don't worry. It's just temporary.
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It doesn't have to be temporary.
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It does.
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[WALTZ MUSIC]
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What does that mean?
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[DOOR CLOSES]
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[CELL PHONE BEEPING]
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♪ ♪
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_
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[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]
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Hello? Rex?
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I have a piano question.
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♪ ♪
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I see your car!
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♪ ♪
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Are you gonna put it under
your pillow this time
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or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?
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- I don't hide them.
- [DOOR OPENS]
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I lose them sometimes.
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- Uh-huh.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
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Hey, Dad.
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I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.
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I'm not going to work
today. I have the flu.
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- [SCOTT] It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt?
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Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.
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I need fluids.
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00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:47,680
I can't go to work today
or tomorrow, maybe ever.
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I do not want to be a
corporate travel agent.
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Why am I a corporate travel agent?
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Are you crying?
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It's the flu.
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I'll make soup.
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Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.
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♪ I'll put up no resistance ♪
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♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪
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♪ I've got an itch to scratch ♪
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♪ I need assistance ♪
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♪ Touch-a ♪
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I'm waiting for a text message.
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Mm.
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[JEFF] ♪ I wanna be dirty ♪
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How much longer do you think we have?
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- As a species?
- Mm...
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until the roof caves in.
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- [GROANS SOFTLY]
- Till there's no this anymore.
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Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.
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It all depends on him.
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Could be weeks. Could be months.
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I can't predict the
future, and I'm not good
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at guessing weight from a distance,
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but if you get close to him,
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you can hear the air hissing
out of the balloon.
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And what do I do, then?
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You're gonna be home alone all day
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with your family...
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that screaming banshee child...
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00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,640
and let's face it,
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00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:04,100
that marriage that has
always had one foot
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on a pile of red ants.
133
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,280
Fuck you, red ants! Scott's
the love of my life.
134
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:12,470
And Maddy... she lost
a tooth this morning,
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00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,060
and I was like, "Put
it under your pillow."
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And I cannot wait to get home later
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and find her tooth under her pillow.
138
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,020
Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.
139
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Nobody wants to act like one.
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00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:25,730
Do me a favor
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and picture your brother as a mascot
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to your favorite Chinese
softball team, huh?
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00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:34,100
Would he look like this?
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That's traumatizing.
145
00:06:40,470 --> 00:06:42,380
- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.
146
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:44,110
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
147
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,840
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
148
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,440
It's shitty. You can do better.
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00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,750
I can't replace Jeff
with a Styrofoam head
150
00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:51,730
and then look him in the
eye over osso buco.
151
00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:55,310
Welcome to the world of
exciting internal conflict.
152
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:57,840
Build me a Jeff, please.
153
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,900
I know this is gonna come
as a surprise to you,
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but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
155
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,930
My father died at 68.
156
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:05,420
I'm on borrowed time.
157
00:07:05,430 --> 00:07:07,810
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
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00:07:07,890 --> 00:07:09,300
Since when?
159
00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:11,140
If not you, who?
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00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:12,750
But if we want to keep this shop open,
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00:07:12,770 --> 00:07:14,980
first, we need to build another Jeff...
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00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,770
on ice.
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00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:18,979
The original is out to sea.
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00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:22,020
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
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I don't want to hurt anyone.
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Hurt who?
167
00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:28,470
Jill, Will... anyone.
168
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,440
I mean, this, for example.
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[JEFF] What if a kid watched this,
170
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put a barrel on, attached
a bedsheet to it,
171
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,470
and tried to parachute
over Niagara Falls?
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00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,230
Chances would not be good.
173
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,430
We've been using that same
visually arresting sequence
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to transition you from the real world
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00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:45,660
to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
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And no child has ever tried this?
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I promise you, we would've heard.
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Mm.
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00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:52,430
Why are you questioning this now?
180
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,600
Shaina, from Akron.
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We shared the cheesecake.
182
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A moment from this show saved her life.
183
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,060
If that's true, one
moment from this show
184
00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:03,080
could take a life, if we're not careful.
185
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,810
It's a puppet show. It's
not a cursed monkey paw.
186
00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:07,659
- Do I have texts?
- I don't know.
187
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:10,110
That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.
188
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,470
You want to change something?
189
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,930
Upgrade your gizmos.
190
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,140
How'd things go with Shaina from Akron?
191
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- We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.
192
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[EXHALES SHARPLY] I met
someone else, though.
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Really? On the same night?
194
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Her name is Vivian.
195
00:08:22,310 --> 00:08:24,060
I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.
196
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- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.
197
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,800
That's fine, as long as she's not
198
00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:29,850
selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
199
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,180
- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.
200
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:35,340
And the doctors give
her about six weeks.
201
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Hmm.
202
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,470
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
203
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[WOMAN] Where you off to, Jimmy?
204
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Pickle Barrel Falls.
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00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:44,930
[WOMAN] Okay, honey, have fun.
206
00:08:44,950 --> 00:08:46,060
Bye, Mom.
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00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:49,350
♪ ♪
208
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Here we go!
209
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[DOG BARKS]
210
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,980
[ENNUI SPUTTERING]
211
00:08:56,850 --> 00:08:59,140
What are you trying to
do, Ennui La Triste?
212
00:08:59,220 --> 00:09:02,770
Because my tongue is
cheese, I cannot whistle!
213
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,240
[CRIES] Quel fromage.
214
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,160
Come on, you stale breadstick.
215
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,900
Whistling is easy.
216
00:09:09,980 --> 00:09:13,120
[BUBBLING]
217
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:15,060
Mm, never mind.
218
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,060
Ennui, in my experience,
219
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,520
everyone has a little
tune in their heart,
220
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,180
and if you listen closely,
221
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:23,430
it always finds a way out.
222
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,430
[SMACKS LIPS]
223
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,390
[WHISTLING]
224
00:09:28,470 --> 00:09:30,550
♪ ♪
225
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,160
Now you try.
226
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,040
[WHISTLING]
227
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:36,900
♪ ♪
228
00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:39,890
[ALL WHISTLING]
229
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,930
And then I loved her in the pussy.
230
00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:45,200
Wow.
231
00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:47,350
[CHUCKLES] I know.
232
00:09:47,430 --> 00:09:50,100
I tried texting her, but
there's no response.
233
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,060
Didn't you say she was terminally ill?
234
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,770
No, that's just the
opinion of three doctors.
235
00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:56,140
Her attitude would suggest
236
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,020
an entirely different prognosis.
237
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:01,440
But what do I know? I'm
not three doctors.
238
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,180
What can you do, Jeff?
239
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,580
I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.
240
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:07,120
Maybe your phone's broken.
241
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,120
That's why she hasn't responded.
242
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,680
- Did you think of that?
- That's it.
243
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:13,300
You're probably right.
244
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,430
- [DEIRDRE] Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
245
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,140
What a dopey-dope.
246
00:10:16,230 --> 00:10:18,350
- Ha!
- [CHUCKLES]
247
00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:20,320
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.
248
00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:24,090
You asked when it all ends.
249
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,400
- I...
- Six weeks.
250
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,950
When the cancer lady he's
falling for bites it,
251
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,400
that's when he pops.
252
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,990
Not a lot of time, but we can
get the ice show on its feet
253
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,730
and rush the doll for Christmas.
254
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:36,680
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
255
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,060
♪ ♪
256
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,300
Will.
257
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,700
You back here?
258
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,520
I could use some technical support.
259
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:45,390
[COUGHING]
260
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,230
Whoa, it's you.
261
00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:49,770
Your pineapple is smoking.
262
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,180
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
263
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:55,390
It's practically made the
apple bong obsolete.
264
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:58,430
Plus, when you're done, you
can chop it up and eat it,
265
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,020
get you manganese.
266
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,280
Have you seen my son?
267
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,280
[BONG DUDE] Just because
I've seen him in a place
268
00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:05,800
doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?
269
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,480
Meaning, he could've left that place.
270
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,730
Well, could you point to
where you saw him last?
271
00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:13,380
[BONG DUDE] Narc-ing on an acquaintance
272
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:16,100
would violate every
principle I hold dear.
273
00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:19,860
Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people
274
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:22,270
when you were a sniper for the CIA?
275
00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:24,310
[CHUCKLES] What did you say?
276
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,980
The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
277
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,020
You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.
278
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,850
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
279
00:11:31,930 --> 00:11:37,060
♪ ♪
280
00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:45,860
Truth is, I wouldn't know
the first thing about
281
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,270
lining up an innocent man's peach pit
282
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,310
from 1,000 yards out...
283
00:11:50,390 --> 00:11:53,400
pink misting him through
his kitchen window.
284
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:56,430
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran,
285
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,300
never known the thrill of sipping
286
00:11:58,310 --> 00:11:59,890
the Shah's contraband tequila
287
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:03,300
from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
288
00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:06,680
Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity
289
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,470
it would take to draw an imaginary line
290
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,940
between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.
291
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:16,000
Never done those things.
292
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,230
[MARTIAL MUSIC]
293
00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:19,860
I could never take a man's life.
294
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,230
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
295
00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:23,400
But I've heard it's as easy
296
00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:25,350
as popping a pimple.
297
00:12:25,430 --> 00:12:30,270
♪ ♪
298
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:40,380
I think Will's over there, man.
299
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,680
Thanks for your help.
300
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,640
You're a good helper.
301
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:48,020
[WILL] All right, pick a card, any card.
302
00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:50,770
- Should I show you?
- No.
303
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,140
Don't... don't show me.
304
00:12:52,260 --> 00:12:54,730
Now, uh, sign the Bicycle
side of the card.
305
00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:56,310
Will?
306
00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,640
Could you come with me
to the phone store?
307
00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:02,140
This thing is broken. I
don't know what to do.
308
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:04,100
So you... you think your phone is broken
309
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:06,680
because this woman you
just met didn't respond?
310
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,260
We spent a whole night together.
311
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,620
We told each other things you
can never tell a stranger.
312
00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:14,560
- We made love.
- Oh.
313
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,730
Um...
314
00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,350
There's something wrong with this.
315
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:20,560
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
316
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,260
Uh-huh. Yeah, uh...
317
00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:24,850
it looks okay to me.
318
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,890
Could you take in the
back just to make sure?
319
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:30,500
- I'd feel better.
- Sure. Sure.
320
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,520
Uh, just...
321
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,270
Yeah, which account is this
phone registered under?
322
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,240
I have your name associated
with two plans...
323
00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:38,699
one ending in 4356,
324
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:41,300
- another in 7864.
- Yeah, the first one.
325
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,980
Okay.
326
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:45,330
We will get to the bottom of this.
327
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:46,350
- Great.
- Okay.
328
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:47,390
Okay.
329
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:50,600
Hey...
330
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,640
do you think that maybe
I could get a, uh...
331
00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:57,930
a new phone, one with a,
uh, alphanumeric keyboard?
332
00:13:58,020 --> 00:13:59,780
What do you need that for?
333
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:06,040
Whose, uh... whose phone
number ends in 7864?
334
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,430
What?
335
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,470
He, uh... he said that
you have two numbers.
336
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,060
[SIGHS]
337
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,430
The other number belongs to a man
338
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:18,660
who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,
339
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,540
so I pay for some of his necessities,
340
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:24,640
like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.
341
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,060
How did he get hurt?
342
00:14:27,810 --> 00:14:31,240
He was driving the truck that
hit you and Phil that day.
343
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,930
♪ ♪
344
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:37,080
Don't you hate that guy?
345
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,300
Hate doesn't punish who
you think it does.
346
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,020
[MAN] Well, I had our...
347
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,100
best technicians take a look,
348
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:48,960
and there doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with the phone.
349
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,430
Uh...
350
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:55,930
Mm, that's unfortunate.
351
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,020
Um, look, Mr. Pickles...
352
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,900
here's the thing.
353
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:02,859
Can I tell you what I
think really happened?
354
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,880
I-I don't think that
your phone is broken.
355
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,700
I think that, uh, it's
hers that's broken,
356
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:11,740
and that's why she's not responding.
357
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,760
[CHUCKLES] That makes sense.
358
00:15:13,820 --> 00:15:15,470
I knew there was a reason I brought you.
359
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,390
[CHUCKLES] He's the
family computer whiz.
360
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,270
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, that's...
361
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,260
Uh, so is there anything
else I can help you with?
362
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:22,730
Just that.
363
00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:25,810
[SOMBER MUSIC]
364
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:28,230
♪ ♪
365
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:31,750
[SCOTT] Once upon a time,
there was a swing in a branch
366
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:34,470
and a big, fat marshmallow.
367
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,340
[MADDY] Why does the cat
only eat marshmallows, Dad?
368
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,140
Why do you think? Turn the page.
369
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,310
[LAUGHS]
370
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:42,760
[LAUGHING] I only see the cat!
371
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,270
[MADDY] The kitty's so dismay-ded,
372
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,470
but there's a marshmallow,
and the kitty's like...
373
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,890
♪ ♪
374
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:50,730
I'm sick.
375
00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:51,950
So breathe that way.
376
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:53,730
I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
377
00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:55,400
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
378
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:58,060
I don't know what's wrong with me.
379
00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:02,310
I need...
380
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:07,520
Oh, God, I've pictured
having this conversation
381
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:08,800
since I was 13,
382
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,350
and now I don't know how to start it.
383
00:16:14,180 --> 00:16:15,980
But...
384
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,430
... a word that's...
385
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,520
defined me for a while has been...
386
00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:27,520
... confusion.
387
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,600
[SIGHS]
388
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,810
[CRIES]
389
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,730
[CRYING] Even ten words
in, it already feels
390
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:41,850
so cathartic...
391
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:44,850
[SIGHS] ... to open up...
392
00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:47,770
about what I'm trying to say, baby.
393
00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:49,270
[SNIFFLES]
394
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:51,310
[QUIET ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
395
00:16:51,390 --> 00:16:55,720
In the deepest part of myself...
396
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,340
♪ ♪
397
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,310
... I've always...
398
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,820
Name a happy child of divorce.
399
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:05,310
♪ ♪
400
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:08,820
- What?
- Name one happy child of divorce.
401
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:11,930
Can I finish what I'm trying to say?
402
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,520
Oh...
403
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,890
the Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.
404
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:22,560
♪ ♪
405
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,000
[DOOR OPENS]
406
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:28,890
♪ ♪
407
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,100
[WHISPERING] Where do your teeth go?
408
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:39,850
♪ ♪
409
00:17:39,930 --> 00:17:41,270
Hi, Mom.
410
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:42,999
[RASPY VOICE] I'm Mr. Chompers.
411
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,500
Jesus! Fuck!
412
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,680
And I eat dreams. Nom! Nom!
413
00:17:47,770 --> 00:17:50,180
Nom...
414
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,930
[SPACEY MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
415
00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:58,100
♪ ♪
416
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:34,060
I'm sorry.
417
00:18:35,730 --> 00:18:38,140
I don't even know how
to talk to you anymore,
418
00:18:38,230 --> 00:18:41,060
but I want you to know that...
419
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,740
I do it all the time in my head,
420
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,480
so it feels like I talk
to you more than I do.
421
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:51,220
[DARK MUSIC]
422
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:55,060
I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.
423
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:57,620
Am I?
424
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,640
Or not enough?
425
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,390
♪ ♪
426
00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:03,890
I used to be so good at putting myself
427
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:06,140
between you and...
428
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,480
anything that tried to hurt you, but...
429
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:11,940
I couldn't...
430
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,350
I couldn't put myself between
you and what happened.
431
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:16,660
I...
432
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:19,580
I couldn't stop...
433
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,020
you losing everything.
434
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,020
♪ ♪
435
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:28,020
And...
436
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,760
I don't know how to protect you anymore,
437
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,180
and maybe I shouldn't.
438
00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:36,180
Maybe that's how I help.
439
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:41,140
♪ ♪
440
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:51,160
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?
441
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:53,350
Maybe?
442
00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:54,730
It's about a police officer
443
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,730
who dies in the line of duty.
444
00:19:56,810 --> 00:19:59,680
His buddies rebuild him like a robot
445
00:19:59,770 --> 00:20:01,930
so they can control him,
446
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:03,760
but he just gets...
447
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,470
way more violent.
448
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,060
♪ ♪
449
00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:15,480
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
450
00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:18,580
Just a sec.
451
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,400
[SIGHS]
452
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:29,020
Hi.
453
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,060
I didn't know you were coming.
454
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:39,440
Welcome to my... home away from home.
455
00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:43,140
[DOOR CLOSES]
456
00:20:44,350 --> 00:20:46,020
What happened here?
457
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,140
Um...
458
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:49,240
a lamp got broken.
459
00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:52,080
And you're sleeping on a futon?
460
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:54,239
Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
461
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,889
Sometimes I want a couch.
462
00:20:55,890 --> 00:20:58,100
It's Spartan, but it's
everything I need.
463
00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:00,800
Where does Will sleep?
464
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:04,060
Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
465
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,780
He thinks it's like a
water bed, only with air.
466
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,760
You could be in a suite at
the Four Seasons, Jeff.
467
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:11,560
I'm happy here.
468
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,660
What you don't see are the memories.
469
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,660
My first apartment...
470
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,600
short stroll right across campus.
471
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,470
Before I say what I'm going to say,
472
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,330
you should know that your
son was very touched
473
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,680
by what you did.
474
00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,900
[INHALES DEEPLY] I didn't expect that.
475
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,240
We raised a good boy.
476
00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:30,140
But the guilt that I felt
477
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,560
for wanting a sixth pair of shoes...
478
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,760
Who said you couldn't have shoes?
479
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:36,120
- ... or a car that's just fun...
- It's a lot of shoes.
480
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:37,460
... and fast to drive...
481
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,869
You want another car? Get another car.
482
00:21:38,870 --> 00:21:40,366
- ... or for hating the man...
- Get six cars...
483
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,810
one for every day of the week.
484
00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:43,020
... who drove a snack
truck into our family,
485
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,020
and meanwhile, you are
writing checks for his rent,
486
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:47,270
his utility bills?
487
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:50,040
You're paying his garbage pickup?
488
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,850
He has a daughter.
489
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,310
Someday she's gonna
have to go to college.
490
00:22:01,470 --> 00:22:04,430
[CRYING] We had a son,
491
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,740
and he will never go to college!
492
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,430
Denny hurt his back in the accident.
493
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,890
- Denny?
- He walks with a cane now.
494
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,420
Of course you're on a
first-name basis with him!
495
00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:15,980
Did you not think how
giving that man money
496
00:22:16,060 --> 00:22:18,300
- would make me feel?
- He can't drive anymore.
497
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,250
Workmen's compensation
won't cover the cost
498
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:21,660
of a single-parent household.
499
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:24,280
Someone has to look out for him.
500
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,600
We weren't the only ones
who lost something.
501
00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:30,200
We're the only ones that matter.
502
00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:32,400
I devoted an entire
show to Phil's death...
503
00:22:32,430 --> 00:22:34,850
- [SIGHS]
- ... an honest show.
504
00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:36,360
They're gonna air it soon.
505
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,800
I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.
506
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,100
Watching it makes me want
to swallow my tongue.
507
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,330
You shouldn't blame that
man for what happened.
508
00:22:45,350 --> 00:22:47,180
I don't blame him.
509
00:22:47,270 --> 00:22:49,560
I hate him.
510
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,700
I blame myself for what happened.
511
00:22:51,730 --> 00:22:53,640
It was an accident...
512
00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:56,470
a stray burst of electrons
through a stoplight.
513
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,520
- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.
514
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,270
He's not the bad guy.
515
00:23:02,350 --> 00:23:04,320
Neither are you, Jill.
516
00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:08,150
- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.
517
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:11,470
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
518
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:13,680
I always am.
519
00:23:13,770 --> 00:23:16,680
No, you're a wonderful
person, and I miss you
520
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,180
- more than anything.
- Don't.
521
00:23:18,270 --> 00:23:21,800
[SOBBING]
522
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,180
Oh, I loved you, Jeff,
523
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:26,930
but...
524
00:23:28,350 --> 00:23:33,140
... after the accident, when
all the cards arrived...
525
00:23:33,230 --> 00:23:35,560
they were all addressed to you.
526
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,420
They were meant for both of us.
527
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,600
You're Santa.
528
00:23:40,730 --> 00:23:43,100
I'm Mrs. Claus.
529
00:23:43,180 --> 00:23:44,890
Santa brings joy.
530
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:46,980
Mrs. Claus brings...
531
00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:50,060
kibble to the reindeer.
532
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,060
Well, I don't live on
the North Pole anymore.
533
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,600
[SNIFFLES] I live in reality now.
534
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,390
It's not as colorful, but...
535
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:02,900
I see the world how it really is.
536
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,520
The world is a perfect circle...
537
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,930
of endless possibilities.
538
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,600
It's not a circle.
539
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,930
It's a hole.
540
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,230
[DISQUIETING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
541
00:24:20,310 --> 00:24:23,600
♪ ♪
542
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,980
That truck driver...
543
00:24:26,060 --> 00:24:28,100
♪ ♪
544
00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:31,270
He didn't hurt his back in the accident.
545
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:33,520
Maybe he told you he did,
546
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,680
but that is called a lie.
547
00:24:35,770 --> 00:24:37,850
He just wants your money.
548
00:24:37,930 --> 00:24:40,020
He's stealing from you,
549
00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:41,980
and teaching Will a magic trick
550
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,400
isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
551
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,650
And when you screw a woman you just met
552
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,520
and she doesn't call you back,
553
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,850
it's not 'cause her phone is broken.
554
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,060
It's 'cause she doesn't like you!
555
00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:57,560
I'm sorry, but this is where we live.
556
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,480
Please, join us.
557
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,890
♪ ♪
558
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,270
[DOOR CLOSES]
559
00:25:08,350 --> 00:25:10,390
[SNIFFLES]
560
00:25:10,470 --> 00:25:13,310
♪ ♪
561
00:25:13,390 --> 00:25:16,100
[RUMBLING]
562
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:21,060
♪ ♪
563
00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:23,390
[CELL PHONE PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]
564
00:25:23,470 --> 00:25:28,140
♪ ♪
565
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:34,180
_
566
00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:44,390
[CHUCKLES]
567
00:25:44,470 --> 00:25:47,390
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE]
568
00:25:47,470 --> 00:25:48,480
♪ ♪
569
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:51,430
[SOFT MUSIC]
570
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:56,310
♪ ♪
571
00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:59,430
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE]
572
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,560
♪ ♪
573
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,679
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]
574
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,890
♪ ♪
575
00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,880
Is it the... queen of hearts?
576
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,350
♪ ♪
577
00:26:13,430 --> 00:26:15,520
[SIGHS]
578
00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,240
- No way!
- [LAUGHS]
579
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,100
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE]
580
00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:26,100
♪ ♪
581
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,100
Mom?
582
00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:44,980
♪ ♪
583
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,600
[DOG BARKS]
584
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,560
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]
585
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,810
Isn't it amazing, Gertie?
586
00:27:08,890 --> 00:27:13,980
♪ ♪
587
00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:18,600
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
588
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,520
[ADRIAN YOUNGE'S "STRANGER BY THE SEA"]
589
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,810
♪ ♪
590
00:27:25,890 --> 00:27:30,810
♪ A stranger landed from the sea ♪
591
00:27:30,890 --> 00:27:35,020
♪ I welcomed him to come to me ♪
592
00:27:35,100 --> 00:27:39,080
♪ ♪
593
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:44,520
♪ We touched but he swam back to sea ♪
594
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:51,350
♪ He saw the cold and misery ♪
595
00:27:53,310 --> 00:27:56,430
♪ He sails the seven oceans ♪
596
00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:00,020
♪ Exploring his emotions ♪
40019
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