All language subtitles for Dont.Worry.He.Wont.Get.Far.On.Foot.2018.720p.BluRay.x264-DRONES-HI

Corky, why don't you tell us your story.

Well, as you know, my story is not

a "really tragic" story, unless...

boredom is tragic.

I, um...

you know, I was married.
I had every comfort you could ask for.

I thought that's what was gonna
make my life meaningful.

I just stopped wanting
to go to parties, and...

play tennis...

with my girlfriends.

For the record, I'd like to say

that I think I'd rather iron sheets
than play tennis any day.

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] When I was,
uh, about 11 years old,

I lived with my grandmother
near the Black Forest, and...

In a little house, second floor,

and I had a cat.

Her name was Fifi.

Well, I did get
an Oregon Cultural Heritage Award.

[HANS] Ah, these awards are not important.

- Please.
- [DONNIE CHUCKLES] Okay.

I got a prescription for Valium,
which at least made the days go...

by quicker.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, okay, there's this rock

that was about this big
that had these grooves in it,

like, uh, you know, little bumps, and I said,

"Well, Aunt Janey, what is this?"

And she said, "What?
You don't know what that is?"

And I was like, "No."

And she's like, "Well, that's my titty rock."

And I was like, "Your titty rock?"
She was like, "Yeah, my titty rock."

[MIKE CHUCKLES]

"That's for when you get
in fights with girls.

You punch 'em in the tit with it."
Not joking, not kidding.

Then one day, I just, like,

took off all my clothes
and walked down the street.

And...

the mailman...

found me and...

he brought me home
and called my husband, like I was a child.

And I, you know,
I'm still wearing my wedding ring, but...

I'm...

divorced now, and I'm... I'm much happier.

Maybe life's actually not supposed to be...

as meaningful as we think it is.

- Thanks, Corky.
- [MIKE] Thanks, Corky.

[REBA] Mm.

[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage
Portland's celebrity cartoonist

John Callahan!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hi. My name is John, and I'm an alcoholic.

[ALL] Hi, John.

Hi. It's good to be here.

The last day that I walked,

I... I woke up without a hangover.

[APPLAUSE]

The last day I walked,
I woke up without a hangover.

I was still loaded
from drinking the night before.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[WATER RUNNING]

I knew I had an hour or so
of grace before the...

nervousness...

[SIGHS]

of withdrawal symptoms set in.

What if I lost control, flipped out?

[GROANS]

Fuck.

The closest store where I could buy booze

was near a major intersection.

[HORNS HONKING]

- [JOHN] How are you?
- Staying cool?

- It's hot out there, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Good beach weather.
- Yeah. Whew.

[JOHN] I tried to talk to the...

owner of the store and act real casual.

I work for Alvarado house painter.

- Oh.
- We got tons of work.

Oh, you know,
like I had everything under control.

But... [LAUGHS]

they'd have to be blind
not to see my hand shaking.

Um...

Yeah, I guess I'll just
take that, uh, Tres Abuelos.

Yeah, tequila.

Hey, how's it going?

Wow, pretty groovy day, huh?

Oh, yeah. [SNIFFLES]

- Surf's coming up.
- Yeah.

Sky gets any bluer,
it'll be singing a Muddy Waters tune.

Sorry? [SNIFFLES]

I'm a songwriter.

I listen to a lot of different music.

- Um...
- Want a drink?

I'm... I'm good.

Um, I'll see you around
sometime, okay? [SNIFFLES]

Oh. All right.

[JOHN] You've got a problem, Callahan.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

I know three things about my real mother:

she was Irish-American, she had red hair,

she was a school teacher.

Oh, yeah.

And she didn't want me.

Okay.

- Four things.
- [LAUGHTER]

The way with
illegitimate Catholic babies in those days

was to remove them
from the mother of birth...

...and put them in the care
of the nuns for six months

in case the natural mother
should change her mind.

Was my mother a queen?

Was she a whore?

Could I locate her and surprise her,
say, at a bank teller's window?

"Yeah, I'd like to cash this check, Mom."

[LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTS, GASPS]

Oh, fuck. Help!

- [JOHN] Oh, hey.
- Dude, you wiped out.

- Nice.
- [JOHN] Can you help me up?

- [BOY 1] Yeah, all right.
- [JOHN] Easy, though.

- [BOY 2] Okay.
- [JOHN] All right, now, nice and easy.

Don't try and show off.

- [GRUNTS] Yeah! Oh!
- [BOY 1] Here, come around, turn around.

- Here we go.
- [BOY 2] All right.

- [JOHN] Okay.
- [BOY 1] Watch it.

- [JOHN] Careful, careful.
- [BOY 1] There we go. There we go.

- Yeah, lift him up.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- You guys smell that?
- [BOY 3] Oh, what's that smell?

- Oh, that reeks, man.
- [JOHN] Oh.

Yeah, pull up that right leg right there.

- Right here?
- [JOHN] Yeah.

- [BOY 2] You got it, dude.
- [JOHN] Yeah.

Yeah, you lift up that right pant leg there.

- [BOYS GROAN]
- Be brave.

Yeah, just attach that into the white thing.

- All right.
- [BOY GROANS]

- [JOHN] Thank you.
- You draw this?

- [JOHN] Yeah.
- [BOY 1] Whoa.

- [JOHN] You get it?
- [BOY 2] Awesome. Yeah.

[BOY 3] Yeah.

[WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY]

[JOHN] Don't worry, boys.

He won't get far on foot.

[BOY 1] It's a wheelchair.

[BOY 2] He can't get far
because he's injured, right?

- That's right. Yeah.
- [BOY 2] Okay, all right!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah, well, you know,

my grandmom's in a wheelchair, so...

- [JOHN] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- [JOHN] Sorry about that.
- Yeah.

I draw these for a living, but, you know,

people get mad at me
'cause of the subject matter.

- Not us.
- That's ridiculous.

- These are awesome.
- [JOHN] All right. Cool.

- Is that a car crash?
- [JOHN] Yeah.

- What is that?
- There's, like, a dead guy

- under the car.
- Are those all booze and stuff?

[BOY 1] Whoa.

[JOHN] There's a five-dollar bill
in my left shirt pocket.

Go get me a short case.

[ENGINE HISSING, CLICKING]

[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY OUTSIDE]

[MOUSE SQUEAKING QUIETLY]

[MAN] Oh, they could do it
and they'll do it over there!

[MAN CONTINUES SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, Snickers.

How was your day?

Did you find any time
to get in some exercise?

[DOOR OPENS]

[JOHN] You fucking asshole!

You're fucking late!
I've been sitting here all goddamn day!

It's been fucking wet!

I got shit all over my pants
and there's no fucking drinks!

You didn't leave me a goddamn fucking drink!

It's been three fucking hours!

What do you actually fucking do?

[TIM] I signed up to be your attendant,
not your slave.

Bossing me around, you fucking
don't even give me five seconds

before you're telling me what to do.

I told you I fucking hate it
when you give me orders.

I'm gonna get to it
when I feel like it, John.

All right? How would you like it
if I started pushing you around all day?

[TIM SIGHS]

I'll give you a bath in a minute.

I need to wind down. Here you go.

Celebrate your independence.

[REPORTER OVER TV]
President Carter's standing

in our NBC News Associated Press poll
has declined again.

Not much, but the decline has been steady.

This is one of the findings
in our latest telephone sample

of the opinions of about 1,600 people
around the country last week.

[MECHANICAL THUMPING, CLICKING]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[TIM SIGHS]

[JOHN] I drink, I hit rock bottom.

And I'd drink more and hit rock bottom again.

I had to admit to myself
that I was powerless over alcohol.

I was searching for something else.

[TIM] You sure you want to go
to an AA meeting, John?

I've never really believed
in their whole thing.

[LIVELY CHATTER]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I'm sorry,

but, uh, we can't have anybody
quite this grotesque in here.

For the love of God, I'm Reba.

[SOFTLY] Oh, hi. I'm John.

[CHUCKLES] Welcome to the Alano Club.

[JOHN] I thought you were serious.

No dogs, no quads.

[CHUCKLES] No. Come on, now.

[CHATTER QUIETS]

God, grant me the serenity...

[ALL]...serenity to accept the things
I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

[DONNIE] Anyone under 90 days?

Hi, I'm Felix, and I'm an alcoholic.

[ALL] Hi, Felix.

- Hi, guys. Uh...
- [MAN] Welcome.

This is day 14.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Good job.

Uh, hi. I'm Joseph. I'm an alcoholic.

[ALL] Hi, Joseph.

Today, I have 56 days.

- [APPLAUSE]
- [MAN] Awesome.

It's tough, 'cause, you know, out there,

I feel like people want to hear
how many years you've been sober.

But, uh, you know, coming here,

I'm reminded how special it is
that I'm where I'm at, so...

I remember a time when I didn't
think 30 days was possible,

but here I am, so... thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Anyone else want to speak?

My name's John Callahan,
and I don't know who my real mother is,

and I was paralyzed in a car accident.

And...

and I'm an alcoholic.

[ALL] Hi, John.

Good to know you, John Callahan,

who is an alcoholic.

You're in the right place, I think.

I'm Donnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

[ALL] Hi, Donnie.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

And when I first entered the program,

I had two pairs of pants,

one with shit in them and one without.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

And I didn't care which one
of them I was wearing.

[MORE LAUGHTER]

Today, I celebrate mediocrity.

I woke up and I put on
a non-shitty pair of pants.

- [CHUCKLING]
- And I walked to get a cup of coffee,

and it was fucking delicious.

And my day's been pretty good,

until I came in here and saw all of you.

[LAUGHTER]

[DONNIE] Continue your story, John.

[JOHN] Oh, right.

The story. Um...

Well, I got back to the house around 4:00,

and saw Jesus Alvarado, my...

employer.

[SIGHS]

[QUIETLY] Shit.

John, what's up?

I want you to meet Bill.

- Hey.
- Hey.

My small-town experience was...

limited concerning disability.

- How you doing? John.
- Good, good.

[JOHN] Jesus wanted me
to look at the guy's pen.

Check that out.

Got to turn it upside down.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Uh, I went inside for a drink.

[TERRY AND BONNIE LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

[TERRY] I'm coming back for events.

- Oh, my God, I've lost it.
- [TERRY] Ah! Yes!

- What's going on?
- I've lost the touch.

- My shoe!
- Hi, John.

- This is Bonnie.
- Oh, hi.

I hear you're from, um, Oregon.

That's right.

What do you guys do up there for fun?

Well, there's not a lot to do in Oregon,
you know?

So a certain percentage of the population
drives down here

to Long Beach to look for jobs.

[TERRY] We are going to a party tonight,
if you want to come.

Oh, really?

- [BONNIE] Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- Well...
- Want to drive us there?

- I mean, I... Ooh.
- [TERRY] Oh. [LAUGHING]

[BONNIE LAUGHING]

Oh.

[LAUGHS] We're...

We're getting in trouble tonight.

[VIRGINIA] Am I happy?

- No. So...
- [CHATTER, MUSIC PLAYING]

Divorced? Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I'm seeing a couple guys now.

I've been going to therapy.
Have you ever gone?

It'd be so good for you. [SIGHS]

Just gotten off meat.

Been kicking dairy.

I'm gonna do life without eggs now.

Hey, um, I just need to use
the bathroom really quick.

- Will you... will you be here?
- Uh, yeah. Okay.

[MUSIC AND CHATTER CONTINUE IN DISTANCE]

- [MAN WHOOPS]
- [MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Terry, where's that girl
I was just talking to?

- [TERRY] Um, the redhead girl?
- Yeah.

I think she just left with some friends.

- She left the party?
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, good for her.
- [WOMEN CHUCKLE]

- You guys are still here.
- [TERRY] She got places to be.

- You're stuck with us.
- Yeah.

- Nah.
- Far fucking out. Dexter.

I'm Dexter. Hey. I'm Dexter.

John.

- John.
- Yeah.

How 'bout that girl?

[CHUCKLES] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

She left.

- She was digging you, man.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Take you home,

have a little sophisticated LA sex.

No, all she wanted to do
was talk about her colon.

That's what all people in LA talk about,
their colons.

And that's 'cause they're all assholes.

- ["MAGGIE'S FARM" BY BOB DYLAN]
- Yes. Where are you from?

- I'm not from here...
- Ah, shit. Turn that shit off, man!

- Making me sick!
- What are you talking about?

- Too much Dylan!
- Too much Dylan?

- You don't know what you're talking about.
- The answer, my friend

- is blowin' in the wind.
- He's a poet!

The answer, my friend, is getting blown

- in the wind.
- You sound like an idiot.

- What are you...
- The answer's getting blown

- in the wind.
- [LAUGHING]

Guy's getting blown,

- and he's whining about it!
- [LAUGHS]

He's not talking about getting blown.

Getting blown in the wind,

- you fucking moron!
- I know!

I was fucking with you!

[BOTH LAUGH]

You think I don't know?

Johnny, Johnny,

- listen to me, listen to me.
- [LAUGHS]

Seriously.

I know a party that's ten times
better than this shit-bag.

Let's go there now.
There's ten times hotter babes.

We plow the Milagro Beanfield.

[JOHN LAUGHS]

Huh? You and me. Come on.

What a promise.

[EXHALES]

I guess we thought that

"the babes"
were fairer on the other side of town.

So I left Terry and her friends,
and we headed to the next party.

But not before we got even more wasted.

Hey. Clink it.

["She's Not Mama's Little Girl Anymore"
by Lou Roberts plays]

Keep 'em comin', bro!

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

[SIGHS] Oh.

Some people tell me I look like
Burt Reynolds.

- [COUGHING]
- I don't see it.

Do you see it?

- Yeah. I do.
- Thank you.

- You're a sexy man.
- Thank you, man!

- [LAUGHS]
- You're a sexy man.

Can you keep 'em comin'?
I don't want to say it.

[WHISTLING]

I know you got a lot of people
up and down to take care of,

but 'member who the main customer...

- How 'bout the whole bottle?
- [LAUGHING, COUGHING]

How 'bout the whole bottle?

How 'bout the whole bottle?

Is that good enough?

- Hey. Don't get sad.
- No.

There's so many more.

Keep 'em comin', bro. We talked about this.

[WHISTLES]

Take the wheel.

[RETCHING]

I'm back.

- [SIGHS]
- Wash it down?

[DEXTER] Guess who you're driving with.

I'm the cunnilingus king
of Orange County, man.

[CHUCKLES] I just love yodeling into it.

[YODELING, WARBLING]

Oh, shit! That's Scott's Adventure Land!

That's Scott's Adventure Land!

[LAUGHS] What's Scott's Adventure Land?

You never been to Scott's Adventure Land?
I never been to... Let's go there.

[STAMMERS] Make a U-turn.

Just fucking jump over the wall, man.

[CROWD CHEERING IN DISTANCE]

- [RETCHING]
- Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

[MAN] Draw!

Oh, really?

Don't be a fool, brother.

You just tussled with the wrong cowboy.

- [GUN CLICKS]
- [DEXTER SHOUTS]

- [KIDS LAUGHING]
- You son of a...

- [CRYING]
- [JOHN] No!

No!

["YOUNG AND DUMB" BY LOU ANN BARTON PLAYING]

- My car, I drive.
- You're in no condition to drive, friend.

- My car, I drive.
- I'm gonna take the fucking keys.

- Hey. Hey.
- I'm gonna take the fucking keys.

- You guys are in no condition to drive!
- Aah!

- [MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]
- [LAUGHS]

[MUTTERS] Babes.

[JOHN] And that was it.

Dexter had mistaken
a Con Edison light pole for an exit

and slammed into it at 90 miles an hour.

[NURSE] Let me know
when you're ready. I think...

On three. One, two, three.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING NEARBY]

[MIRIONE] Hello, John. I'm Dr. Mirione.

Bright, bright lights.

Surprisingly noisy, isn't it?

Well, there's very little peace and quiet
for the dying and nearly dying.

[WEAKLY] I'm dying?

The average survival time for
catastrophic patients here is 12 hours.

Nasty accident you had in that Volkswagen.

I saw the car.

Looks terrible. Looked terrible.

[JOHN WHISPERING]

I can't hear you. Talk louder.

[QUIETLY] What happened to the driver?

What happened to Dexter?

Oh, Dexter Marzynski?

He walked away with a few scratches.

He was very, very lucky.

Jesus Christ.

My heart really goes out to you.

I mean, possibly paralyzed for life.

Nice sunrise, though.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[WOMAN OVER P.A.] Susan Henry
to the nurses' station.

[DOCTOR] Okay.

Let's see here.

This is a C5, C6,

which is a complete cervical six lesion.

Uh, good shoulder movement.

Uh, complete paralysis of the body and legs.

No finger movement, but good, uh...

[QUIETLY] I'm not an impostor.

- I'm a real quadriplegic.
- [DOCTOR] Spinal cord severed

between the fifth and sixth vertebrae,
counting down from the top.

Somewhere between decathlon champion
and rigor mortis.

...half his deltoid, half his, uh, diaphragm.

But if he's not careful,
he can choke to death. Yeah.

Uh, this patient over here is
a C4-5 neurologically intact.

Uh, a tibia plateau fracture.

Not as catastrophic an injury.

[ANNU, IN SWEDISH ACCENT] Hi, John.

My name is Annu.

Wow. You're very good-looking.

How are things going here, John?

[QUIETLY] It's bad.

It's really bad.

I can't move.

I can't feel my body, and where I can,
it just hurts.

I can't take a whiz or anything.

I just feel like I'm going fucking crazy.

[ANNU] Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't sound
like it's going too well.

[CRYING] No, it doesn't.

It's awful. I just don't even know
how I'm gonna, like...

I don't know how I can live
any life after this.

I just feel like
I'm not gonna have any future.

And the doctors don't tell me anything,

but it looks like I'm just
gonna be like this for life.

I can't understand this.

Doesn't seem fair.

John, you're a very special person.

I feel it.

I brought you some flowers.
I hope you like them.

Thank you.

Can I smell them?

[EXHALES]

That's nice. Thank you.

Would you like me to rub your shoulders?

Yes, please.

It was a lovely day out. Very hot.

Drove here in my convertible.

Do you really think I'm good-looking?

Yes, you're very good-looking.
That hasn't changed.

And you have tremendous strength.

You'll go on to have
a wonderful life. I can tell.

I pray that I will.

I make prayers to God, you know.

I remember all the promises to God

and pacts with the devil
made by characters in Dickens

or, like, Rosemary's Baby,

to, you know, like,
change history and make things better

or escape horrible fates.

And what do you say to God?

I say, "Please, don't let me be paralyzed."

I just can't be paralyzed.

Things work out for John Callahan.

I'm just not one of the ones
who ends up paralyzed.

I just can't be.

And what about when you're
talking to the devil, John?

I say, "I'll give you anything.

Anything you want, just change this."

And you're from Oregon?

That's your home?

Yes.

Yes. The...

The Dalles.

It's sort of a hick town.

- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [WOMAN YODELS]

We're a bunch of gomers.

Gomers? What is "gomers"?

I like how you say it. "Gomers."

[ANNU CHUCKLES]

I don't know. I think it just...

you know, it, like,
means you're from the country.

It's derogatory.

Ah.

Where are you from?

From Stockholm.

There's a lot of fishing there,
lots of salmon.

Oh, same with The Dalles.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, lots of salmon.

Now we have something in common.

I think we have a lot in common, John.

Yeah. Salmon.

And we're both gomers.

And what else, John?

I look at the sunrise.

- The sunrise is nice.
- Mm-hmm.

It's very calming.

I've been watching the gymnasts out there.

I have to go to my next
appointment now, John.

But I'll be seeing you again soon.

- When?
- One day next week.

Very nice to meet you, John.

I liked meeting you, too, Annu.

Thank you. Thank you for my flowers.

See you soon.

Bye.

I'm glad I met Annu.

What about us, John?
Aren't you glad you met us?

John doesn't like us.

[JOHN] Well, of course I like you.

I just can't get laid with any of you.

- Have you tried?
- [REBA CHUCKLES]

Well, have you tried?

One, two and three.

Here we go.

All right.

Adjust him on three.

One, two, three.

- There we go.
- There you go.

All set.

That's the power button right here.

Enjoy.

- [THUMP]
- Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

[LAUGHS]

- [GRUNTING]
- [BASKETBALL BOUNCING]

Oh.

[MAN CHATTERING]

Ah.

Ah, nice shot.

- Hey, man. How you doing?
- Pretty good. How you doing?

[CHARLES-MARIE] Pretty good.
We're just shooting some hoops.

Fucking "A." I'm John.

- Charles-Marie. Welcome.
- Nice to meet you. Thanks.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[MAN OVER VIDEO] Sexual activity
is an opportunity

to get to know yourself again.

It's an opportunity to build confidence.

After your accident, John,
your body doesn't have

ordinary psychogenic erections anymore,

so you have to use reflexogenic erections.

Reflexogenic erections.

Sounds sexy.

So, how would I go about achieving that?

- Can you demonstrate?
- Behave.

Have you thought about
asking that little nurse of yours

to sit on your face some night, John?

Hey, Lilly, may I ask you a question?

Sure, yeah. Ask me anything.

Can you sit on my face?

That's a shocking yet wildly exciting idea.

But no. I mean...

[WHISPERS] Would that be appropriate?

Who cares if it's appropriate?

John.

You're thinking about it.

- [JOHN SIGHS]
- Good night.

Did you hear that?

[MAN] You scored.

Not quite.

She'll be back.

My job's to get you the erection.

That's all I care about.

Worse she could say is no,
and if she says no,

then you come back and ask me.

That's a deal.

Reflexogenic simply means
that it has to be from the touch, okay?

If she sits there...

[MOANS]

...the touch will stimulate blood flow
to here, hence causing an erection.

Okay?

[PANTING]

- Really?
- But you can't just think about it.

You can't just imagine it anymore.

[GASPING]

- [MARGIE] Are you feeling me?
- [JOHN] Yeah.

That's where my dick used to be.

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

[NURSE] Pull it.
I'm trying to get further and further.

And down.

Can you do it?

Annu, sometimes I just want to drink.

You know, it doesn't seem fair
that we can't have a drink.

But, you know, we can go
to Tiny's Tavern on the weekends

and drink as much as we want.

Might give it to us for free,
you know, 'cause they feel bad for us.

You know, we milk it.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're not gonna believe
what happened the other night.

So, we're coming back from Tiny's Tavern,

me and Charles-Marie, and we're crossing
the railroad tracks on our way back here.

And Charles-Marie's chair got stuck
in the railroad tracks.

[BELL DINGING, HORN HONKS]

Shit!

And he said, "Let me die.

Let me die. It's better this way."

Just let me die! It's better this way!

Grab on to my chair. Grab on to my chair!

[HORN BLARING]

And you know what's funny?

[CHUCKLES] He meant it.

I think, in that moment,
he really wanted to die.

[ANNU] That's not very funny, John.

That sounds dangerous.

[HORN BLARING]

[CHARLES-MARIE SCREAMS]

All in a day of being a quad.

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hey, uh, is this Donnie?

Yeah, who's this?

Hey, Donnie, this is John Callahan.

I'm the neon cripple from outer space.

Oh, the man with the tangerine hair?

Well, I always thought
of my hair as electric orange,

but, yeah, that's me. Uh...

Look, I got your number off the board.

I'm calling because

I need a sponsor.

I do have a lot of piglets at the moment.

What are piglets? I need a sponsor.

My sponsees are piglets.

[JOHN LAUGHS]

That's funny.

- Wow.
- You want me to help you get sober.

Well, I saw you speak, and, uh,

I really like what you had to say

about the two pairs of pants
and the woman's...

See, John, I know. I just...

And I don't know if you're serious.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, I call him Chucky.

What?

I don't know, John Callahan. I don't...

I'm serious. I am serious.

I... You know, sometimes I just, I make jokes

'cause I get nervous, but I'm,
I need, I need something.

You know... [SIGHS]

every day, like clockwork at 4:00 p.m.,

I get massively depressed.

Well, I'm depressed
from the moment I wake up,

- so got you there.
- [CHUCKLES] Listen.

We're having a group talk,
my place on Saturday.

Why don't you drop by?

Ooh, a talk?

We'll talk about Chucky.

The other piglets are coming by at 1:00.
4014 Northwest Johnson.

- Don't be late.
- Tim.

4014 Northwest Johnson.

- 1:00 p.m.
- Are you talking to me?

- All right, thank you. I'll see you then.
- Okay.

Drink water. Bye.

40... Wait, what was it?

- [TIM] 4014 Southwest Johnson.
- Okay.

- [MUTTERS] Let's go.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, Sam, get back and clean up this mess.

And get out of here and go grab some PT.

You grab some PT.

- Hi.
- Oh.

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, sorry.

- That's okay.
- Hi.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

- Hi, I'm John.
- Hi, what's up?

Um, I'm gonna go out to the park.
Do you want to come with me?

Uh...

fuck, today is Monday...

- Fuck yeah.
- Yes?

- Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you. Good, let's go.

Okay.

["Gonna Have a Funky Good Time"
by James Brown playing]

# We're gonna have a funky, good time... #

You're good. You did it.

- Not bad.
- [LAUGHS]

# We're gonna have a funky, good time #

# We're gonna have a funky, good time #

# Take 'em up #

# We gotta take you #

# Higher #

- [DEBBIE LAUGHS]
- # We gotta take you higher... #

[JOHN LAUGHS]

# We're gonna have a funky, good time... #

[DEBBIE] Got it. Yeah.

# We're gonna have a funky, good time... #

You got it. You got it.

- Hey, you're a good dancer.
- [DEBBIE] Oh, well...

# Play it, Georgia #

# We're gonna have a funky, good time #

# Take 'em up #

# We gotta take you higher #

# We gotta take you higher #

[QUIET CHATTER]

[MAN] Hello.

Hey, is Donnie here?

- [MAN] Yeah, he is.
- Oh.

- Hi, I'm John.
- Hi, John.

- [JOHN] I'm so sorry we're late.
- How you doing?

[DONNIE] John, welcome to the group.

Hi. Thanks. Sorry we're late.

- Oh...
- Tim thought it was Southwest.

- Why'd you think Southwest?
- It's okay.

[TIM] Yeah, Southwest,
but we got here, didn't we?

[DONNIE] This is Reba,
who I think you've met.

- Hello.
- Martingale, Corky, Hans, Mike.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Welcome.

[JOHN] That's Tim.

- [MIKE] Welcome, Tim.
- Tim.

- [HANS] Hi, Tim.
- [MARTINGALE] Hello, Tim.

And now that we're getting all acquainted,

how was everyone's week?
Anybody want to speak?

Um, I have something to talk about.

Oh, John, just so you know,
since you're new here,

I'm a poet.

A street poet.

And a gay activist.

So, I was at the Pendleton Round-Up,

and I took the opportunity
to read one of my poems,

which has in it a number
of references to young cocks.

This is it.

"Hot...

in the summer sun.

Working all day, hustling hay.

It's getting harder

and harder

and harder...

ready to pop out of their button fly.

Pop!

Pop!"

[HANS] We got it. Pop!

- Pop! It's all about penises, please.
- [CORKY] Oh, stop.

And just like that, some cowboy stops me
and says my poem is X-rated.

And you don't think it was?

No. It wasn't.

It was a red-blooded, American poem.

- [REBA] All right.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, the cowboy tells me
to stop, and I say to him,

"I'm an American reading an American poem
about an American institution."

He didn't like that.

He accused me of being drunk. [SCOFFS]

I say to him, "I've been sober
now for three years.

I'm a proud member of AA."

And I walked off.

[DONNIE] Anyone want to respond
to Martingale's story?

Well, the poems make straight guys angry.

- I'm not angry, Hans.
- See?

But here's the thing: that kind of anger
can get in the way of your recovery.

I think we can all agree that being out there

and having a good time,
not drinking, we get it...

feels really good.

But it's one thing to read your poems
in front of people that you know

in your Greek cafes late at night,

but it's another to read it
in front of rednecks at a rodeo.

It's a little bit dangerous.

- I think he was really brave.
- [MIKE] Mm.

- Yeah, I do, too, Martingale.
- Yeah.

- I mean, I...
- Fuck the rednecks, right?

- That's right.
- Hey. I'm a mullet-haired redneck,

and you know I'll kick your ass.

You know I can kick your ass.

- [DONNIE] John, any comments?
- [JOHN] What?

John.

[REBA] What I want to know is,
with all the poems that you have,

they can't all be about penises.

I mean, you probably got
some pretty ones, I'm sure.

- [LAUGHS]
- [DONNIE] Well, what I believe

is we all have led, in our non-sober periods,

somewhat chaotic lives.

And I think there's a very fine line

between creating chaos
because of the adventure

and creating chaos
because of the dependency on it.

Now, John isn't speaking very much,
so perhaps he thinks he's better than us.

So, John, do you want
to tell us about your drinking?

- Oh.
- [REBA CLEARS THROAT]

Is this... Do I say,
"John, I'm an alcoholic"?

Just tell us about your drinking.

Um...

Well, I, um,

I started drinking when I was, uh, 13.

Um...

I stole a bottle of gin from my Aunt Diane.

And, um, I liked it.

A lot.

And I never stopped.

[DONNIE] Okay.

[JOHN] Um, yeah...

Keep going.

I mean, I kept drinking, I guess,

maybe because I was adopted. I was adopted.

And, um,

maybe it made me not care as much about that.

Or...

Yeah.

I don't, I don't really know.

- Yeah...
- Corky drank 'cause her name is Corky.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

I drank 'cause my shoes were too tight.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [JOHN] You know,

I'm glad you find this amusing.

John, what we're trying to point out
is that we all have excuses.

I resent you characterizing
such a painful part of my childhood,

such as being an orphan, as an excuse.

[CHUCKLES] I mean,
it is a fact, among others.

Like, for instance, I can't move
one fucking muscle below my chest.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Would that qualify as an excuse?

- What are you laughing at?
- We were waiting for that.

We just knew you were gonna
say that, that's all.

- You fucking cow!
- Oh.

You wouldn't know pain if it crawled up
your fucking ass and devoured you!

How dare you!

I'm sorry. [LAUGHS] Well...

[REBA CLEARS THROAT]

As a matter of fact,
I have cancer of the heart.

And just let me tell you something
about your "poor me"s, okay?

You keep it up, "poor me, poor me,"
and you're gonna find yourself saying,

- "Pour me another drink."
- [MARTINGALE] Mm.

[REBA] And for the record,

when I first came here,
I was a fat, worthless cow.

But I worked these 12 steps,

and I carved out a little bit
of a life for myself.

I'm sorry, Reba.

I'm sorry, everybody.

- It's okay.
- It's expected.

[REBA] It's okay, John. [LAUGHS]

You're right on schedule, sweetheart.

And I'm glad you're here.
I want to tell you that.

- [JOHN] Thank you.
- [REBA] I'm glad you're here.

I like you guys.

- [REBA LAUGHS]
- You're fucking crazy.

[LAUGHTER]

- [MIKE] We like you, too, man.
- [REBA CLEARS THROAT]

Well, wait till you get to know me.

[INDISTINCT]

Hey, bro.

Shot of that wine?

Goddamn it, I haven't even had
my first fucking drink.

There's one in my right shirt pocket here.

The jacket here. Go get it.
It's another quart.

[KATZ] Okay, great. Thanks, now.

Mr. Katz will see you.

Oh, thank you.

Afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Thanks so much for taking the time to see me.

Not at all.

- What can I do for you?
- My name is John Callahan.

I was born in 1950
at the old Saint Vincent's Hospital.

I know three things about my real mother:

she was Irish-American, she had red hair,

- she was a school teacher.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. And she didn't want me.

[LAUGHS] So, four things.

Anyway, I was hoping
you could help me find her.

I made this sketch of what
I think she might look like.

Maybe it'll help you out.

[KATZ] It's very nice.

Callahan.

Yeah, John.

Old Saint Vincent's Hospital.

Well... let's see.

That's really my file?

All right. This is the one.

That's it? Let me look at it.

How about we go back over there?

All right.

What's it say?

[KATZ] Uh...

Well, Mr. Callahan, there's little I can do.

Wait. No, you saw something.

- Mr. Callahan. Mr. Callahan.
- What's in there? What'd you...

The State of Oregon has a law.

Forget the State of Oregon, man. Come on.

Mr. Callahan, I could lose my job.

- There's just nothing I can do.
- Wait, what does that say?

Is that... is that "Maggie Lynch"?

- I can't say, Mr. Callahan.
- Is that her name?

- Maggie Lynch?
- Mr. Callahan, I can't say.

What do you mean you can't say?
It's written down right there.

I just saw it.
Is that her name, Maggie Lynch?

Mr. Callahan, I am not gonna lose my job.

Screw your job, man.

You've probably been sitting behind
this desk for 25 fucking years.

- Get out.
- [JOHN] You have a miserable life.

- Be a man!
- Get out.

Aw, go fuck yourself.

Maybe it's your battery
or a connection or something.

There you are.

- Could you spare a quarter?
- Yeah.

- Two-three-four...
- [DIALING]

Two-four-five-nine.

Here you go.

- [LINE RINGING]
- Thank you, sir.

You bet.

[WOMAN OVER PHONE]
Disability Resource Center.

Hey, it's John.

Just a moment.

[PHONE RINGS]

This is Suzanne.

Hey, Suzanne. It's John.

My chair broke down.
Could somebody come down here to help me?

John?

John, this is the third time
in a couple of months this has happened.

You know, we have cutbacks
ever since the new president came in.

- We have our own problems.
- Oh, please don't start.

Please don't start. Suzanne...

John, I'm sorry, I do not make the rules.

What did I do to you?

What did I do to piss you off so much?

- Why you gotta treat me like this?
- You know,

I hear you're putting
a lot more mileage on that wheelchair

than the average quadriplegic.

Yeah, because I'm an active worker!
I'm not a fucking nursing home vegetable!

So I'm just asking
for a little bit of goddamn help!

- Take care, John.
- Suzanne,

please, please, I fucking beg you.

- I ask for forgiveness!
- Take care of yourself, please.

Please, please!

[EXHALES]

[DONNIE] One of the objectives of group
is to provoke a new awareness to unwanted

or unnecessary emotional problems
that we sit with.

And left unprovoked,
we sit alone with these problems,

and they can fester into...

drinking habits, drug habits, gambling.

Other bad habits.

What are "other bad habits"?

I mean, it could be anything.

It could be hoarding, bank robbing, suicide.

It happens, amiga.

Mike.

Why don't you tell us your story.

Talk about your employment;
start from the beginning.

What was the name of the company?

Uh...

Burnside Exploratory Systems Technology.

And we called it BEST for short.

[SIGHS] I, uh...

had an administrator there
I didn't care for very much.

Wants a war going on, and she didn't care

whether we were winning or losing
when I worked there,

and we were handed a lot of bullshit.

Slow down, Mike. Y-You...

- "She," meaning your administrator?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and she...

would just keep to herself up in her cubicle.

Then we'd hear her prerecorded voice
come over the loudspeaker.

Can you tell us a little bit
about this administrator?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Yeah, well, first the sentry
in our, uh, attack unit was...

[SIGHS] Uh, fuck.

I'm sorry, Donnie, can we, uh...

can we talk about something else?

No.

How did she make you feel?

Well, we were like family.

You know, you spend enough time
with your family, you...

end up wanting to strangle your mom,
you know?

[CORKY] May I ask something?

[DONNIE] Go ahead, Corky.

Were there any women in your operation?

Yeah.

The administrator, but we never saw her.

I'm curious why there's a lack of women
in your stories.

In your childhood, growing up,

in your company.

There must have been women
in your command unit.

[MIKE] Because women
can't handle it over there!

- [DONNIE] Hey! Hey!
- Okay? Let me tell you,

- neither of you would've
- Hey!

- lasted two fucking seconds over there!
- Hey!

- Mike, hey! Hey.
- [MARTINGALE] Mike. Mike.

- This is group.
- [MIKE] Yeah.

Martingale, sit down. Mike, sit down,
or you'll be thrown out of the group.

[GROANS]

I'm sorry.

- [TIM] You all take this so seriously.
- I'm sorry, Donnie.

If you just went down
to Saint Luke's Church on Sunday services,

I'm pretty sure you'd be able to find
the salvation that you're looking for.

Tim, you are very fucking cute.

Now shut the fuck up,
'cause no one asked you, okay?

Everyone, breathe.

Mike, you okay?

Tim, you think you can pull my pants down so
I don't have to speak through my fucking fly?

[TIM SIGHS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING SOFTLY]

[SIGHS] There you go, buddy.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, you forgot to open the bottle!
- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Tim!
- [LOCK CLICKS]

Don't lock the door! Tim!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, fuck.

Bet you could open this bottle, Snickers.

- [MOUSE SQUEAKS]
- Fuck.

[GASPS] No!

Oh, fuck.

[GROANING SOFTLY]

[QUIETLY] Fuck. Fuck.

[GRUNTS] Fuck!

[GROANS] Oh.

Oh, God, you son of a bitch.

[SIGHS]

[SOBS]

[WHISPERS] Please, please, please...

Snickers!

[SQUEAKING]

[WHISPERS] Mom.

Where are you?

You fucker.

You tart.

You left me here.

[VOICE BREAKS] I'm a cripple.

[SOBS] Where are you?

You are a good person, John.

You can help yourself.

You can stop drinking,

and you can become happy and healthy.

I know you're calling for me.

I love you.

Just please don't call me a tart.

[LAUGHS]

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Hi, Tim.

Something...

really profound just happened to me, man.

[TIM] Yeah, that's, uh...

that's great.

[WHISPERS] I don't think
I'm gonna drink anymore.

You mind if I have some of these cookies?

Can I?

Yeah, man.

- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.

What the fuck happened in here? It's a wreck.

What... where's Snickers?

I mean, there's really no reason
why you should believe me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Donnie, why do you call them piglets?

'Cause I'm a triple Aries, Callahan.

And 'cause they let me.

See you.

And 'cause a piglet is a small,
timid animal who tries to be brave

and occasionally conquers his fears.

Look, there's just four things:

Keep going to meetings.
Read this book I'm giving you.

Don't drink.

And if you think you're gonna drink,
call me first, never after.

[INSTRUCTOR] Last two weeks,

we were talking about art and craft.

All art has craft. All craft has art.

But craft seeks full perfection.

And art seeks full expression.

That's why...

the craftsman's job is
every time always the same.

Repeat every time.

That's why we don't have two Mona Lisa.

And Mona Lisa, by the way,

one can say is a controlled accident.

[JOHN] While working through
the steps of the fellowship,

I began to feel a huge rush of energy.

I suddenly realized that I had been,

or should have been,
a cartoonist, a gagman, all along.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[JOHN CHUCKLING SOFTLY]

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

I refer to my higher power as Chucky,
when the word "God" doesn't suffice.

You know, like the character
from the horror movie.

Not because I'm terrified of my higher power.

It's 'cause I find
my higher power is unpredictable.

The thing for you to grasp,
my little piglets,

is that we don't control the universe.

And, in fact, it will go on in our absence.

We can't ask for help

if we don't think there's
anyone out there to give it.

You have to grasp this concept.

And that doesn't have to be
fucking Jesus Christ

or Buddha or Vanna White.

So, can I choose the genitalia
of Raquel Welch?

I would advise against that, Callahan.

Why?

'Cause it's not a fucking joke.

If you can't look outside yourself, and you
can't find a higher power, you're fucked.

- [DONNIE] Yeah.
- Thanks, Donnie.

- Of course.
- See you, John.

- Bye, John.
- Bye, Hans.

[DONNIE] Beat yourself with a feather,
not a bat.

[SIGHS]

[TIM] Be outside. I'm gonna have a smoke.

[DONNIE] Don't linger too long on belief.
Just jump in, do the work.

Trust God. Clean house.

Take this book.

Lao-Tzu. Check it out.

There's some valuable proverbs in there.

Okay.

Um, you need any information?

Yeah, can you take a look
at this cartoon for me?

- Give me your thoughts.
- Yeah, let me...

Let's see.

[READING UNDER BREATH]

[JOHN] Mm.

- It's pretty good. Pretty...
- I can tell you don't like it.

Here, look at another one?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Let's see.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You like that.

- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Okay.

That's good. [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, that's one of my favorites.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.

- Aw, thank you.
- Very good. [LAUGHS]

Hey. Annu?

- John?
- Is that you?

[LAUGHS]

Look at you.

You're looking very handsome.

[JOHN] Oh.

- [STAMMERS]
- How have you been?

Good. I mean...

[EXHALES] God, you look beautiful.

- [LAUGHS]
- What-what is this?

Oh, I have a new job now.
I work for Air Scandinavia.

- Wow, "Air Scandi-nah-via."
- [CHUCKLES]

Really something.

- [LAUGHS] Yeah?
- Yeah.

I was promoted. I'm group captain now.

- Group captain.
- Mm.

Wow, yeah, so you're just up in, uh,
first class

- with all the hot businessmen?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- But I don't really like them.

Are... are you... are you flying out?
Are you in town for a while?

Do you... do you want to...
get something to eat?

Yeah, I'm on layover.

- Really?
- That'd be really nice.

Yeah, well, let's find a place to,
you know...

"layover."

[ANNU] "Let me put it this way,
don't buy any hacky sack balls."

[CHUCKLES] That's really funny.

- It's you. Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wait, are you... you...
you really think it's funny?

- You sure?
- Yeah.

[ANNU PANTING, MOANING]

I'm gonna, I'm gonna come.

I'm coming!

- I'm coming! [MOANING]
- Oh, Jesus!

- Oh! Jesus Christ! John, I'm...
- [JOHN AND ANNU LAUGHING]

I'm so sorry. John, I am so sorry.

[ANNU LAUGHING]

You have to promise
that Tim will walk in to serve breakfast

at the same time every morning.

[WHISPERS] Okay.

[JET ENGINE ROARING IN DISTANCE]

Donnie, I see gymnasts in the park.

Mm. Maybe they're preparing
for the Olympics next year.

I'm fucking serious.

I've been seeing them
since my physical recovery.

Oh, maybe they're manifestations
of your sobriety,

if you first saw them in the emergency ward.

Maybe they're sticking around
to get what they want.

Well, what the fuck do they want?

For you to come with them.

Yeah. Where to?

'Cause they're waving to me, you know?

To the big park in the sky.

They could be calling from the other side.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to go to the park in the sky.

Callahan, don't obsess over the gymnasts.

Go to meetings, don't drink, read the book.

That's all you have to focus on.

And you have to work on the second step.

Like, you have to believe
that a power greater than yourself

can restore you to sanity.

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[WHISPERS] I know, I know, I know.

And besides, how are you gonna
do gymnastics anyway, Callahan?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Honestly.
- Oh, that's so funny.

Oh, tomorrow I fly to New York City
to get my boogie on.

Yeah, good for you, man. You deserve it.

Thank you.

So, will I be able to reach you, though?

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

You drew this?

Yeah. Oh, which one's that? I mean, yeah,

I drew 'em all, but...
Oh, yeah. That's my dad.

[LAUGHTER]

This is good stuff, man.
This is really great.

[LAUGHTER]

So...

You got it, man.
We'd like to give you a panel.

Really?

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Hey, Officer, take a look at this.

[OFFICER] Very nice.

Very nice, right? Thank you.

- Hey.
- [WOMAN] Hey, John. How are you, hon?

Really good. Take a look at this.

What you got?

Oh, hon. Lisa, look-it,
John's in the Vanguard.

[WOMAN] Hmm.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

- Thank you.
- I like the shading.

Okay.

You want to see? Look, puppy, look at that.

- You drew that?
- Yeah.

That's offensive.

Offensive?

Hey, some fellow artists.

Check this out. Look at this.

No, I'm not trying to sell you anything.
I just want you to look at...

They published my cartoon, you fuckers!

["Shake Your Groove Thing"
by Peaches & Herb playing]

# Shake it, shake it #

# Shake it, shake it #

# Groovin' loose #

# Or heart to heart #

# We put in motion every single part #

# Funky sounds, wall to wall #

# We're bumpin' booties,
Having us a ball, y'all #

- # Shake your groove thing #
- [PHONE RINGING]

# Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah... #

[CLEARS THROAT] Hello?

[JOHN] I just can't fucking do this.

I'm gonna kill Tim.
I'm gonna kill my attendant.

You know, Callahan, you can't ask for help

if you don't think there's
anyone out there to give it.

Yeah, I'm asking you for help, Donnie.
That's why I'm calling you.

Well, tough shit.

Donnie's on a plane
to New York City in half an hour.

And I'm not gonna be back till Monday.

There's this new gay disco
there called The Saint,

and I'm gonna be having the time of my life

with Howard Rosenman and Andy Warhol,
getting discovered...

I don't give a fuck
about your sex life, Donnie.

Tell me what to do.

What are the first three steps?

Donnie, come on.

That, one?

One, that I'm powerless over alcohol
and my life has become unmanageable.

Two, I came to believe that
a power greater than myself

can restore me to sanity.

And three, I made a decision
to turn my will and my life

over to the care of God, as I understand it.

So you believe you're powerless?

Yeah.

You believe that a higher power other
than yourself can restore you to sanity?

Yes.

And you made a decision
to turn your will and life

over to the care of God,
as you understand him,

in your case, Raquel Welch's snatch.

And remember, this is a choice
of higher power I don't approve of.

- Yes.
- Great.

Now, wouldn't you like to turn
this immediate problem over to Chucky?

Yes.

Don't you feel better already?

Okay, yeah, but, Donnie, you tricked me.

I know what you just did.

No, Callahan, no. Fuck.

Make a God basket.

Write your problems on paper,
crumple them up,

and throw them into the basket.

- Drink water.
- [LINE CLICKS]

"I'm afraid. Who will protect me?"

Tim. Tim?

Hey, man.

Can you pick up that piece of paper
and toss it in the God basket?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you know, this is actually pretty fun.

John, as the editors
of the Portland State Vanguard,

some of us really enjoy your humor,

but some of us are worried
that things might have gone too far.

We have 55 letters here from the student body

complaining about your cartoons.

"Mr. Callahan, I am appalled
by your simplistic scribbling,

your misinformed ideas about humor,
and the audacity you have..."

- That's real?
- "to think the public enjoys your work."

Yes. It's from Woodburn, Oregon.

[ROGER] We have many of them.

All right, look, guys,

I know that people have
come by the editorial offices

to register complaints about me...

Christians, queers, teachers,
foreign nationals, janitors, lab rats

all find me offensive, which, uh, you know...

It's a good... Is it a good thing?

We have a small pile of threats.

[EDITOR] There's one here from
the Willamette Week.

- [JOHN SIGHS]
- John, this is, frankly, shocking.

What, the paper that
Gary Larson draws cartoons for?

Yes. And they would like to give you
your own series.

We think that's going too far. [CHUCKLES]

Are you serious?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Uh...

Can we get a mop? Can we get a mop?

- [JOHN] What happened?
- Oh.

- Grab a mop, please.
- Uh...

Mop?

Wait, well, don't do it with the...

- Don't put the urine in the picture.
- [EDITOR] Oh, yikes.

They're publishing your cartoon.
We're absolutely serious.

- I thought you guys were playing with me.
- No, no.

[JOHN] In the Funny pile.

No.

Put this one for Annu.

That's real funny.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Why do you call it Chucky?

Why not?

You know, the day I stopped drinking...

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

But when I turned to look at it, there was...

nothing there, but I didn't imagine it.

"Look at it, but you cannot see it.

Because it is formless,
you call it invisible.

Listen to it, but you cannot hear it.

Because it is soundless,
you call it inaudible.

Grasp it, but it is out of your reach.

Because it is subtle,
you call it intangible."

Uh, who's that?

Is that Elton John?

Lao-Tzu.

Chucky. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, hubba, hubba, hubba.
New heartthrob, Donnie?

Oh, no, no.

Pretty boy, small penis.

Maybe you were weakened
so you could become strong, Callahan.

You ever think of it like that?

The path to enlightenment
is to know yourself.

How do I know myself?

Forget yourself.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, what'd the doctor say?

I was gonna tell you about
when I was in India.

Just let me finish so I don't forget.

I was driving north, to Bombay.

I was meeting a group of teachers
at the Bombay Hilton...

Oh, yeah, no, you told me this story already.

Have I?

Yeah. With the girl beggar.

I don't remember telling it.

Donnie.

What did the doctor say?

I'm fucked.

[COUGHS]

I need to drink more water.

Mmm. That feels good. Thank you.

[ANNU] "Dear Mr. Callahan,
we regret to inform you

that although your cartoon shows promise,

it's not the caliber of work
that we're used to at The New Yorker.

Thank you for your submission."

Who reads The New Yorker?

"Mr. Callahan, you should draw
with your other hand or become a plumber."

[LAUGHS]

"Sincerely, Robert."

Well, that's original.

Hey...

do you think the joke is better
if I go with paramecium,

dogfish, chimpanzee, Neanderthal, human?

Or should it be...

paramecium, trilobite, raptor, lemur,
Neanderthal, human?

I don't know.

Let's put that in the Not Ready pile.

[JOHN SIGHS]

- [KNOCKING]
- [TV PLAYING QUIETLY]

[KNOCKING]

[SUZANNE] Hello. John, can I come in?

Suzanne.

Hey.

What a lovely surprise.

Where'd you get the money for these posters?

Friends, family.

You got to write it down.

You have to report it...
any gift or donation.

Well...

I bummed a cigarette
down at Old Town the other day.

Should I report that, too?

Mr. Callahan, I'm sorry.
I do not make the rules.

Simply trying to get you to understand

the gravity of the situation.
Your cartoon earnings

could force your benefits to be terminated.

Well, h-how do I avoid that?

I don't know.

But, uh... it doesn't look good for you.

Uh, who do I speak to
about the specific regulations on this?

I mean, how can I be penalized
for making a little money this month?

Mr. Callahan, we have reason to believe
you're a bit of a shady character. Okay?

I just don't want
your benefits to be terminated.

Every letter starts out the same way.

It's always your fault.

You know, I... I knew, um,

a-a guy that was a former caseworker.

He's since become a buddy.

And he revealed to me
that any assertive client

was written up in his file
as a fucking unstable troublemaker.

You fucking believe that?

An unstable troublemaker.

[DONNIE SIGHS]

John, this isn't the complaint department.

We don't want to hear about your caseworkers.

Tell your story, talk about yourself.

Well, it is my life.
I rely on them for everything.

I don't, I don't know what you mean.

What I mean is that what about them
makes you complain?

It's not about the counselor herself.

Keep going.

I mean, I can't walk.

Why can't you walk?

[SCOFFS] Because I was in an accident.

Because?

'Cause the fucking asshole, Dexter,

fell asleep at the fucking wheel.

Why'd he do that?

'Cause he was fucking drunk.

Okay, and why were you in the car?

'Cause we were going to the next party.

He was the one that was driving.
I don't know why I...

- Okay, but why...
- I couldn't drive.

Wait, Callahan, why did you get in the car
with him if you knew he was drunk?

I don't know, 'cause I was a fucking kid!
You don't make mistakes?

Why did you get in the car with him
if you knew he was drunk?

Why would you do something like that?
Would you do that right now?

Would you get in the car with someone
who you knew was drunk?

[JOHN EXHALES]

Why did you do that?

I don't know why.

I... I was so fucking drunk.

I was so fucking drunk.

I was drunk since I was a fucking kid.

I was so embarrassing.
I know, 'cause I didn't...

I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel wanted,
so I tried to cover up my feelings.

And it worked.

I was born in 1951.

At the old Saint Vincent's Hospital.

I know three things about my real mother.

She was Irish-American.

She had red hair.

And she was a school teacher.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, yeah.

And she didn't want me.

[SOBBING SOFTLY]

My alienation from my father...

I hated his guts since I was 11...

extended itself to my whole family.

One Christmas... [SNIFFLING]

at the dinner table...

there was a... disturbance.

And Tommy,
who was some five years younger than me,

screamed.

[SNIFFS] Whenever my dad
punished one of my siblings...

instead of me,

it gave me a guilt-free excuse to...

condemn him.

I guess that was a big thing, you know?

I never felt a part of them.

I never felt like I was one of them.

I thought I'd fucking drink my way
out of those feelings.

I became such a fuck up...

that I won't ever forgive them.

Oh, I mean that...

I mean, they won't ever forgive me...

for all the stupid shit I did.

What'd you just say?

That they won't...

forgive me for all the stupid shit I did.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[LAUGHTER]

That they won't forgive you
or you won't forgive them?

That they won't forgive me.

You said that you won't forgive them.

Okay, well, w-what would
I have to forgive them for...

forgive them for?

For making you feel like a black sheep.

For not being your real parents,
for having other children.

Forgiving your birth mother
for giving you up.

Think about me!

I won't forgive them.

You're right on time, John.

You're approaching the ninth step,

which is where you get to go
face-to-face with these people

and forgive them in person.

[WHISPERS] That's it?

[LAUGHS]

I mean, uh... [SNIFFLES]

I kind of thought that my...

group story would end with an epiphany.

Like, you know, I'd...

break down and cry, and-and, uh...

be cured forever.

[LAUGHS]

Nope.

No, I don't feel that different now.
I don't...

I don't feel like I had the big moment.

This is the big moment.

There's no lightning bolt that shoots you
and cures all your shit.

There are discoveries and epiphanies
and moments of clarity.

But this doesn't just go away.

You have to wrestle with this shit every day.

Some of that pain will remain there forever.

Some of that shame will remain there forever.

But you have to fight with it,
or you'll fucking die.

Thank you.

Mr. Levine?

- John?
- Yeah.

It's been so long.

Uh, hey.

- How you been doing?
- All right.

- You still drawing?
- Yeah.

I remember you back in high...
in high school,

you had problems with sketches.

But then you got into oil colors,

- and it sort of reversed on itself.
- Yeah.

You were quite the student back then.

Hey, um...

Hey, I just want to apologize.

Apologize for what?

Well, I was...

I caused some troubles in class, and...

and you didn't deserve that.

And, uh, I felt bad about it, and...

I just want to make amends.

Well, that's great you should say that, John.

Teenagers, you know,
you go through these stages, so...

I could see potential in you.
That was the main thing.

I stole a shirt from this store
ten years ago,

and I'd like to make it up to you.

It would really screw up our books.

Um...

Just give $5 to a charity,
and that'll make it good, son.

Hey, John.

What do you want from me, John?

Yeah, I was just thinking, you know,

we've had a pretty
contentious relationship, and, um...

Probably made you feel bad a lot. And, um...

I realize that
it must be a really hard job, actually.

And, uh, I probably made it more difficult.

And, um...

and I wanted to apologize.

Well, uh, thanks for apologizing. I...

And, uh... sure. I forgive you.

Hey, I made this drawing for you.

Oh, boy. [LAUGHS]

[JOHN] Well... I don't know,
maybe you can help me.

I'm trying to do something
with Klansmen, like...

you know, just make them, like,
more human, you know?

- 'Cause everyone always talks about...
- Klansmen?

Well, no, because people
always think about...

racists as, like, just this, like,
pure evil, but they're your neighbors.

[SUZANNE] I don't know, I guess...

sheets.

Uh... what I like about sheets
is they're sort of,

like, warm and fluffy when
you get 'em out of the dryer.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[JOHN] Don't you love it
when they're still warm from the dryer?

[DEXTER] # What's the matter
With the crowd I'm seeing? #

# Don't you know that
They're out of touch? #

["It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"
by Billy Joel playing]

# Should I be
A fucking straight-A student? #

# If you are then you think too much... #

- [JOHN] Dexter?
- [SINGING TRAILS OFF]

[SONG CONTINUES OVER STEREO]

# You can't dress trashy
Till you spend a lot of money #

# Everybody's talking 'bout
The new sound... #

You don't remember me?

- How you doing?
- [EXHALES]

# What's the matter
With the car I'm driving... #

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[QUIETLY] Man.

Um, you know, I'm, uh...

fucking living.
I'm just fucking doing my thing here.

# Nowadays you can't be
Too sentimental... #

How you doing?

I'm good.

I'm really good.

Yeah.

I'm sober now.

- No shit?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

And, uh... it's good.

It's really good.

I've been doing it, too, on and off,

- for, like, the last seven years, but...
- Is that right?

I'm fucking... I'm a fuck up,
though, man. I don't...

Ah, it's okay.

I don't stick to it, but...

Buddy, I came this fucking close
to reaching out to you,

but, uh, you know,
I just chicken-shitted out.

I'm so fucking glad you're here.

Yeah. You've been on my mind, too.

I just didn't know what to fucking say.
I was fucking...

I mean, there's nothing I can say.

There's nothing I can say.

You know, what I've been learning is...

I fucked my shit up.

And it started long before I met you.

It's all right.

It is. Don't feel bad.

No, I actually want
to tell you that I was sorry.

What do you mean? You're not...
What are you sorry for?

Hey, man, I'm responsible, too,
and I'm sure that

it's probably really difficult for you.

I mean, all those years, I imagine.

I don't want you to feel guilty or feel bad.

You need to know I had a good life, man.

Really. Things are good.

It's really good.

- No shit?
- Yeah.

I've had a fucking shitty fucking life, man.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Um...

I'm coming in. I'm coming in.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ah, ah, it's all right, man.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Mom.

You look pretty.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I guess I have to forgive you
more than anyone.

I've cursed you.

I've screamed at you.

I never considered what it...

might have been like for you.

Might be it was really difficult
to give me up.

Or maybe it wasn't.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

And that's okay, too.

I guess...

I guess I'll never find you,
no matter how much I search.

Looking up every Maggie Lynch that I could.

You know, I even found someone that knew you.

I got close.

But, Mom...

wherever...

wherever you are,

I need you to know...

I forgive you.

[WHISPERS] It's okay.

[SNIFFLES]

What's that painting, Donnie?

[DONNIE] I don't know.

I got it the same way I got
all this shit, inherited it.

It's, like...

my grandparents were, like...

fucking really rich.

So, like, my parents grew up rich,

and then, like, I grew up really rich.

[CHUCKLES] It's, like, so stupid.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's nice, but it's stupid.

Have you visited everyone
you felt you wronged?

Forgiven everyone you wanted to forgive?

Yeah.

So...

what, I'm all cleared up, huh?

Step ten, next?

What about yourself?

What do you mean?

It's not all about your mother.

You have to forgive yourself, too.

Forgive yourself for listening to Dexter,

forgive yourself
for going with him that night.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[JOHN] Hello, Brenda. Hello, all my friends.

How are you? It is a great day today.

[BRENDA] Hey, what's happening?
What's up, John?

Ah, nothing much.

You know, the usual.

Thought you might want
to take a look at this.

What's this?

Oh, nothing.

[BRENDA] Mm-hmm. [LAUGHS]

That's funny.

What is this?

Penthouse. Oh, wow, that's nice.

- [JOHN] "Well, that's nice"? That's it?
- It's great.

"This area's patrolled by lesbians."

What are you saying about lesbians?

Are they intimidating or something?

No, it's not... I'm just saying, you know,
well, maybe they're, like,

naked construction site security...

Very educational article.

Well, it's just a cartoon.
I mean, it's just supposed to be funny.

[MAN] Hey, John!

- John!
- Yeah?

What do you got?

[MAN GROANS QUIETLY]

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Take a look.

All right, let me check.

[LAUGHS] Okay, that's funny.

- It's funny.
- That's funny.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It is funny.
Well, why do you think it's funny?

- Oh, wow.
- It's, uh...

It's funny 'cause it makes you laugh.

It's not that funny.

[MAN 2] The joke is funny because of the sign

suggesting that lesbians will
kick your ass if you cross.

- It's-it's unexpected.
- [CHUCKLES]

It's-it's like a warning sign
for attack dogs,

- but instead it's lesbians.
- [JOHN] Thank you.

I mean, for the-the readers of Penthouse,

these men, this-this plays on
this shared fear of women.

Just this unexpected mutual fear.

I mean, it's...

Wow. I mean, what's scarier
than a group of women

that don't need men?

It's also just... really fucking funny.

- That's what I think.
- That is funny.

- I didn't even think about it.
- The "lesbian," exclamation point.

- Wow.
- [JOHN] You guys want another beer?

Let me buy you guys a beer.
What're you drinking?

Uh...

- Gherkin.
- Cerveza?

- Yeah.
- You want a cerveza?

- Same. Yeah.
- That's fine.

Hey, can I get three cervezas?

You know what? Beer for everybody!

[CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER]

Hey, John. What you got for us?

- Yes.
- [LAUGHS]

This one's great.

- This came for you, John.
- Awesome. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

[MAN] Hey! Callahan!

Loved that lawyer joke!

[JOHN READING]

- Hey. I loved your Jesus joke, man.
- Ah, really?

[JOHN] Thank God it's Friday.

Your cartoons are sickening.

You should be dropped from the paper!

[ANNU] She was really mad.

Yeah. I like those reactions
the best, though.

You know? She's really telling it like it is.

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- Over here?

- You know what I mean?
- Mm.

They've been in ten different bands.

- [MAN] Yes!
- [EXCITED CHATTER NEARBY]

That's what I'm talking about.

[WHISPERS] "Harmonious male backpacker..."

Oh. My God, Annu, look at this.

"Harmonious male backpacker

into making 16th-century stringed instruments

seeks radical feminist
household which will not

tease me about my testicles."

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, is this fucking real?

It doesn't seem that strange, John.

It doesn't?

You're just living in the past.

I'm living in the pa... Oh.

Bye for now.

[ANNU LAUGHS]

[JOHN LAUGHS] I got you.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Are you working on your sobriety?

Still working on it, man.

Finishing all the levels?

Yep. I spoke at a meeting last week.

- John.
- Yeah.

- [EXHALES] That is great.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love step 12.

Yeah, I mean...

I was nervous, still, but...

I don't know, giving back.

You forgive yourself yet?

I think so.

What'd you forgive yourself for?

I forgave myself for...

looking for better babes.

Did I ever tell you how I stay sober?

Tell me again.

I was with someone for a long time.

He was great. He was a really sweet person.

But I was... I was very selfish.

I was very fucked up.

And, uh...

he... uh, he came home one day,

and I was having a seizure on the floor.

And...

[SNIFFLES]

When I get close to wanting a drink,

I... I don't think of myself or my life.

I think of him.

His face.

[SNIFFLING]

[DONNIE SOBBING]

I don't know how many, uh...

more of these talks
we're gonna have, 'cause...

I'm seeing the gymnasts on the lawn, John.

[SOFTLY] Don't say that.

A big part of this program

is losing people you don't want to lose.

Being a model to the world...

eternal virtue will be yours,

and you return to the boundless.

Lao-Tzu.

Chuck E. Cheese.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

I think I'm still a little selfish.

I was helping you guys a lot, 'cause...

it was helping me.

My 12th step, being a sponsor.

You were such a pain in the ass, John.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.

You're the best, Donnie.

You really helped me.

You helped all of us.

It is hard teaching people faith.

Give me a hug.

Come here.

Drink water.

You, too.

- It doesn't work.
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] It really doesn't.

[DONNIE SNIFFLES]

Adios, amigo.

- [JOHN] Yeah.
- [BOY] Yeah.

[JOHN] He used to wear these
really, really cool scarves.

[BOY] Yeah, he looks like a wizard.

[JOHN] Yeah, Donnie got
really sick over time.

- And he discovered he had AIDS.
- Mm.

That was the last time
I saw him before he died.

- Oh.

- Yeah.
- The truth...

- Yeah, the truth hurts.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Unfortunately.

So, do you want to come
to the skate ramp with us?

- Yeah.
- [JOHN] Yeah, absolutely. Where is it?

Uh, it's down the block, actually.

- [JOHN] Show me the way.
- Yeah! It's there.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

- That way.
- [JOHN] That way?

[JOHN WHOOPS]

[PURRING SOFTLY]

[JOHN] I'd like to thank all those who
made it possible for me to be here tonight.

I feel...

[CLEARS THROAT]

stimulated, magical.

At night, I seem to think more clearly.

I work hard, but it doesn't feel
like work to me.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

The intellectual clutter of the daytime hours

dissolves from my mind,
which moves in an almost...

instinctual, animal way.

I'm happy.

I don't care that the job
or the welfare office

is giving me gray hairs, because...

ideas and images are flowing through me

and onto the paper.

I'd like to thank
all those who made it possible

for me to be here tonight.

Because if it weren't for you...

I don't think I would have made it.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh.

- That was good.
- Yeah, John.

- Get it!
- Yeah!

Whoo!

- Oh. Uh-oh.
- [JOHN] Oh!

[JOHN LAUGHS]

- Gnarly!
- You all right?

Let's go, get him up.

- Get his, get his shoulders.
- You okay?

Here. Hold up. Uh...

[BOY LAUGHS]

["TEXAS WHEN YOU GO"
BY JOHN CALLAHAN PLAYING]

# I met you on a highway night #

# Inside a Texas rain #

# The year that Mama lost her mind #

# And Papa went insane #

# And Papa went insane #

# You took me on a Texas trail #

# Laredo to Larue #

# It took me all those Texas towns #

# To fall in love with you #

# To fall in love with you #

# The babies came in winter time #

# You settled by the stove #

# You played a song that seemed so long #

# About a road you drove #

# About a road you drove #

# Once you spoke of Paris #

# And Mama said to you #

# There's a Paris far away #

# And one in Texas, too #

# And one in Texas, too #

# The moon has set inside the pines #

# Your sleep is soft and slow #

# When you leave me, leave me here #

# In Texas when you go #

# In Texas when you go #