Original subtitles

SOLO: We're ready to take off any time you are.

Hey, how about this?

Our own private plane.

You know, I've never even been on a plane before.

[SANDY GASPS]

Welcome aboard, gentlemen.

RANDOLPH: You have three pictures. I want them.

You will give them to me...

...or I shall be forced to introduce your charming companion here...

...to the pleasures of free fall.

SANDY: Don't give in to him.

There's a time for heroics and a time for prudence. Napoleon.

Thank you.

And now, not without some regret on my part...

...we must say goodbye.

My colleagues and I have a rendezvous below.

You will continue your journey alone.

It won't be a long one.

There is just enough fuel to take you over the blue Mediterranean.

The aircraft is now on automatic pilot and when the fuel runs out...

...happy landings.

Go.

[HATCH OPENS]

The weatherman says the water is lovely today.

Any news from Mr. Solo yet?

No, sir.

You don't think he's...?

I hope not.

I've got it. Miss Rogers.

This just came in, sir, from the Flight 6 captain.

The plane was hijacked in Austria.

Thrush got away with Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin and the girl.

Clear the emergency channel.

Red alert. Attention, Radar Control.

Get a fix on U.N.C.L.E. plane Flight 6. Top priority.

[SOLO GRUNTING]

SOLO: Make your hand small.

I can't. It's too tight.

SOLO: Come on, now.

Come in, Mr. Solo.

Come on, stand up. Both together. Wait.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Help me get up.

Push, up.

[SANDY WHIMPERS]

Mr. Solo, do you read me?

Come in, Mr. Kuryakin.

Oh, all right. Now work your hands out.

[SANDY SOBS]

Okay, all right. Get the rope off.

- My other hand. - Get it out.

[SANDY SOBS]

Come in, Mr. Solo.

- Come in, Mr. Solo. - I read you, sir. Loud and clear.

Well, what's the situation?

Moderately desperate, sir.

Correction, desperate.

ILLYA: Both fuel gauges already read zero.

According to our calculations...

...you're within 12 minutes of Her Majesty's Landing Field-Charlie.

- The Balearic Islands? WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Right.

Lock in on homing signal frequency Red-Able-Baker 7.

ILLYA [OVER RADIO]: Done, sir.

If this were my car, we'd still have a gallon and a half left.

Well, with this bird, a gallon and a half will last us for about 12 seconds.

Ah, welcome back.

Oh, Sandy. Sandy, uh....

Mr. Waverly, this is Miss True.

Hello, Miss True.

Well, I'm glad you made it comfortably, gentlemen.

Yes, we seem to made it all the more comfortable for Thrush, though.

They now have all three of the Dr. True photos.

All four.

Amanda's daughter in Rio de Janeiro is very nicely married...

...with two very lovely children.

An enterprising journalist asked her for the latest photograph...

...of her famous stepfather.

And there it is for all the world to see.

- Including Thrush. WAVERLY: Yes.

And we've just intercepted a Thrush signal.

They're very busy converting their central complex to produce gold.

Of course, we have no idea where that complex is.

Not the slightest, Mr. Solo.

But we do have one advantage.

And if I may say so, a very lovely one.

You see, you, Sandy, are the key to Dr. True's photocode.

[SCOFFS]

Well, I don't know whether to take a bow or, ahh, run for my life.

Are you sure I am able to help?

My dear, your father led us to believe you're the only who can.

Come here, my dear.

Here are the four photographs.

We isolated the symbols on the blackboards.

Our experts subjected them to the most sophisticated analysis...

...and found them meaningless.

So we decided to be unsophisticated...

...play a few simple word games.

SANDY: Maybe it's an anagram.

My daddy used to make up funny ones for me when I was little.

That is quite right, my dear.

So we rearranged the letters and came up with:

All yours, Miss True, go ahead.

"Japanese lullaby."

Huh. I'm sorry, Mr. Waverly. I don't know what that means.

RANDOLPH: "Japanese lullaby."

You know, I never thought I'd be pleased that our friends are still alive.

It's so silly of me not to be able to figure it out.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Maybe when we get to your father's house, in that atmosphere...

...you'll be able to remember.

Meanwhile, think about something else.

Like what?

Hey, did you guys order a, uh, motorcycle escort?

That's no escort.

Duck, Sandy. Duck.

[GUNFIRE]

[GRUNTING]

Take the wheel.

[SIGHS]

[BEEPING]

[HOMING BEACON BEEPING]

[GRUNTS]

[MAN SLAPPING SANDY]

[SANDY CRYING]

SANDY: No!

RANDOLPH: Crude.

Crude, my boy.

We want the young lady to talk to us.

She won't be able to do that if you've, uh, battered her into unconsciousness.

I won't tell you anything no matter what you do to me.

Do to you?

Now, don't be silly.

Get him.

First, a little demonstration.

[ICE CRUNCHING]

[HOMING BEACON BEEPING]

All right.

No. Don't!

No, please, don't!

[ICE CRUNCHING]

[HOMING BEACON BEEPING]

RANDOLPH: Talk.

Stop that thing. I'll tell you.

It's the wrong way around, my dear. First you tell me, then I will stop it.

"Japanese lullaby," what does it mean?

I'll tell you. It refers to a friend of my father's in Japan.

He must have sent him the formula.

Friend of your father's in Japan, what was his name?

I don't remember.

SANDY [CRYING]: Please, don't kill him!

I tell you, I don't remember. I was a little girl, I don't remember!

You will remember in Japan.

SANDY [CRYING]: Illya!

Sayonara, Mr. Kuryakin.

[HOMING BEACON BEEPING]

Aah!

- Sandy? - Thrush, to Japan.

[GROANS]

It's all on go on this job, isn't it?

Isn't it just?

Four hours. We've toured Tokyo for four hours.

I'm sorry, it was a long time ago.

Miss True, believe me, I, uh, fully appreciate the sentimental overtones of the situation.

The Japanese gentleman, a fellow scientist of your father's...

...endeared himself to you by singing you to sleep.

He did. I can even remember the lullaby.

I'm not asking you to sing it to me.

Just tell me his name and where to find him.

I'm trying.

Daddy brought me here to some conference.

It was a big building, modern, with fountains.

And we even visited the lullaby man, but I was a child. I don't remember.

I'll give you another five minutes.

I think that's it!

Um, ahh, the Marine Museum. That's where we went.

I can't remember his name, but his office, it's up there.

Please, don't give me away.

I'm in great danger. Please?

Okay, kid. You stick with us.

[REIKKO SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Oversees operator wants to know Uncle what?

Just U.N.C.L.E.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

They've got no phone number for uncle.

Oh. Ask them to trace Mr. Waverly.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

They said, "What initial?"

Just, um, Mr. Waverly in New York. That's all I know.

Listen, can't they start with the first Waverly in the book...

...and keep calling till they find the one with U.N.C.L.E.?

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Supervisor say it's impossible.

They must have first initial. or can't place the call.

Oh, well, I gotta get out of here.

- Wait a minute, where will you go? - Oh, I don't know.

Then you stay here. They'll never find you here.

You don't know them. You can't hide from them.

Oh, yes, you can, right here.

[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

Uh....

What are you doing?

In this place, a girl can spend entire life and no one ever know.

- What kind of place is this? - A geisha house.

A geisha house?

You mean, all you girls are geisha girls?

Most famous in all Tokyo, which is why you must not disgrace us.

Not to ruin our reputation.

Me, ruin your rep?

Well, what do you plan to do with me?

To make you one high-class geisha girl.

[SANDY SCREAMS]

That's the photograph of the girl, inspector.

She was brought to Japan against her will.

Interesting.

This girl, answering the same description, was reported to us by a taxi driver...

...entering a certain geisha house.

Geisha house?

Geisha house? Sandy?

And you will leave the matter in our hands?

In U.N.C.L.E.'s most capable hands.

- Arigato. - You're welcome.

Most extremely interesting.

[GEISHAS CHATTERING IN JAPANESE]

Now no one will ever know you.

[WHISPERING IN JAPANESE]

Two foreign gentlemen, outside.

- I told you it was no use. - Don't worry.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Good evening. The gentlemen has reservation, yes?

Regrettably, no.

We understand that you have a friend of ours here, Miss Sandy True.

Uh, yes. Uh, come in.

She told me she was expecting you.

Oh, she did?

You know, uh:

When homesick Think of friends

Loneliness flees

Is ancient haiku.

- Haiku? - It's a classic form of Japanese poetry.

It has to have exactly 17 syllables.

My favorite is:

The old pond A frog jumps in

Plop

Hai.

Ahh, please, take shoes off.

Sandy, uh, is here, though, is that correct?

Yes. Sandy very much here, in bath.

Japanese bath very hot, take long time.

Uh, you gentlemen like to have tea while waiting?

Uh, thank you, but please don't worry about us.

Oh, no worry. Please, friends of Sandy san.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Not be like other gentlemen. Always business, no time to make happy.

Uh, no.

I think we'll put our coats on.

I can see why.

Uh, those guns, old American tradition?

Uh, yeah, Old West.

Please.

Well, if it'll make you happy.

[GEISHAS GIGGLING]

Please sit down.

Must we? We'd like to look around a bit. We've never been in a geisha house before.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, then we must show your friend the ancient tea ceremony.

Most traditional.

Shows virtues of hospitality. Uh, quiet contemplation of feminine beauty.

Oh, well, I'm all in favor of that.

Uh, I'm afraid we must postpone that pleasure for some other time.

Oh, please, for you, I make very fast.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

After you.

Oh, no. Japanese custom. Gentlemen sit, geisha serve.

Ah, all right.

[REIKKO SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[SOLO GRUNTS]

[GEISHAS GIGGLING]

Oriental custom. Guest must bow in return.

What have you done? Those are my friends.

I thought you said--

This is Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin from U.N.C.L.E.

[REIKKO SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

I'm so sorry, so sorry.

I always understood that geishas were dedicated to making men happy.

Oh, it depends on man. Sometimes happy, sometimes not.

If tired businessmen not as tired as he thinks...

...and wants more than conversation...

...we use samurai chop.

You mean knocked us out with a paper fan?

- Ugh! REIKKO: Very effective, no?

[REIKKO GIGGLES]

SOLO: Steel ribs, huh?

Oh, perhaps U.N.C.L.E. would like to hire geisha girl with fans for special assignment?

Excellent idea. Why don't you submit that to Mr. Waverly?

That's so very excellent an idea, I suggest you present it to Mr. Waverly yourself.

Mr. Waverly, very big man?

Yeah, he's big zaibatsu, Number 1.

[RADIO BEEPING]

It may be Number 1.

Kuryakin here.

Your whereabouts and situation, please.

Whereabouts: Tokyo. Situation: extremely pleasant.

[KOTO MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

What is that I hear, Mr. Kuryakin?

A group of charming young ladies, sir, and a koto, sir.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Oh, I see.

Well, I suppose it has something to do with the tracing and rescue of Miss True.

Yes, she's duly traced, sir. She's, uh, sitting here with us.

WAVERLY: Splendid. And we've identified our Japanese lullaby man.

His name is Dr. Sazami Kyushu.

We know his name, sir, but it seems he disappeared five years ago.

Quite so, but we've traced him.

He can be found with his beggar's bowl at the East Gate Temple.

Sandy.

Do you know why we're here?

Yes, my child.

Follow me.

I am humbled and honored, Sandy...

...that your good father entrusted with me his secret for a little while.

You were the one man he knew who couldn't be tempted by gold.

We are all tempted all the time.

That is why I abandoned the world of science...

...and took up the beggar's bowl.

I think I understand.

Sandy.

I think I understood your father better than any man alive.

And perhaps I know how he felt...

...when this discovery forced itself upon him.

He realized its potential for evil.

Yet he could no more destroy the formula than use it.

He faced the eternal dilemma of a scientist who worships knowledge...

...knowing that mankind is not always ready...

...to wisely use the knowledge science brings.

Therefore he wanted this formula to be held in trust...

...to a day when mankind can use it.

This is your responsibility, gentlemen.

Bury it deep and guard it well.

If you don't mind, I'll have that.

No!

This is a house of peace. You cannot desecrate--

[GUNSHOT]

[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTS]

[GRUNTING]

Gentlemen, you have my respect as worthy and courageous adversaries.

In fact, I respect you so much...

...I want you to see the full extent of the Thrush victory before you die.

RANDOLPH: The polar cap.

The perfect cover for Thrush Central complex.

On your right, our nuclear power output.

Over there, the most sophisticated weaponry plant ever conceived by man.

But I especially direct your attention, my friends, to the central area.

There, quite simply, we shall make gold.

Your father was a genius, Miss True...

...if genius be defined as originality plus simplicity.

His gold-making method was astonishingly simple.

A method of subjecting seawater to intense pressure...

...at a hypothermal temperature.

What could be simpler?

Of all the processes involved, pressure is the most vital.

Pressure is on the green circuit, as you can see.

Pressure of 10,000 pounds per square inches is required...

...to set the extraction of gold in motion.

Imagine, tons of gold.

Tons pouring into our storage vats.

RANDOLPH: Yes?

Won't this Midas-land master plan defeat its own object?

With gold as plentiful as dust, won't it lose its value?

We will control its rate of release, don't you worry.

We won't.

Before you die, you'll see history in the making...

...when gold production starts. Lock them up.

Hey, I thought you guys had some marvelous gimmick...

...sewn in the pattern of your neckties.

Not this trip.

No knockout gas in one of your buttons?

Not this shirt, no.

And you can't even get on one of those transistor ballpoint pens of yours...

...and holler help?

Confiscated when we were searched.

Graceful surrender seems to be the most dignified course left open to us.

Imagine, giving up like that.

It takes great imagination to even think of us getting out of here.

- Infinitely. - Defeatists.

What does the impetuous child expect us to do?

Escape with our customary ingenuity...

...bravado, flair, dash...

...et cetera, et cetera.

Oh. Ah, yes.

Yes, I'm supposed to say something to you very elliptically like, uh:

"Pawn A to king's mate ploy," and you understand what I mean...

...and we go into one of our daring escape routines.

Mm. Wouldn't that be nice?

Hey, look, we're on TV.

Hi there.

SANDY [OVER TV]: They're spying on us. SOLO [OVER TV]: Mm-hm. Wave.

Just, uh, checking if you are comfortable, my dears.

Well, it is a bit austere.

And a little too antiseptic.

No serious complaints then?

We haven't even been shown the menu. We are getting hungry.

Food at a time like this?

RANDOLPH: I'm sorry to seem inhospitable, but I doubt if there'll be time before--

Oh, we don't want anything elaborate.

The condemned are traditionally entitled to a last meal.

Touch�.

Get them anything they want.

[APPARATUS BEEPING]

I'll have, uh, bacon, eggs...

...white toast, grapefruit, coffee.

How can you? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction--

Tomato juice, a pair of kippers...

...French rolls, tea with lemon and the young lady will have a salad.

- I'm not eating anything. - You be quiet.

Just bring the oil and vinegar separately.

SOLO: Hm-mm.

ILLYA: Splendid. About time.

Sandy is surprisingly quiet.

SANDY: Sandy is absolutely disgusted.

Frightened.

The child is obviously frightened.

Talk to her, Illya. Get her to eat something.

Quietly.

Oh.

Come on, Sandy.

Why don't you watch, uh, Napoleon make some salad dressing?

[ILLYA WHISPERS] No questions, just do as you're told.

ILLYA: And maybe you'll feel like eating something.

Now, uh, here we are.

- Would you pass me the--? - Mm.

- Let me check. - Yes, sir.

ILLYA: And the salt and pepper.

[WHISPERS] Now, then.

Uh-huh.

[SOLO WHISTLING]

Ahh--! Ahh--!

Ahh--! Achoo!

- Oh, I dropped it. SOLO: Mm.

Where did it go? It's here somewhere.

[GRUNTING]

[GUARD SCREAMS]

Hi-ya!

Uh, sir, there was a noise on the set and we lost the picture.

I have no time for such trivialities. Deal with it. Just go.

How long does the pressure build up between now?

It won't be long now, sir. The final phase is just starting.

Excuse me, I've just escaped. Can you tell me the best way out of here?

[GRUNTING]

"You are here." Yes, I know where we are...

...but we want to be where they're making the gold.

Uh, must be there. Up. Up.

The pressure is up to 10,000 pounds per square inch.

- Have you notified the substation? - Yes, sir.

We're in constant contact with them.

Not a single thing must go wrong. Danger to the whole plant--

Sir, if anything goes wrong, everything goes wrong.

Don't worry, it's been triple-checked.

It's impossible for the pressure to go beyond 10,000.

Sir, they've escaped from the cell.

Alert all stations: Shoot them on sight.

[MAN GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

What are you doing, playing with the pressure?

It's progressing normally.

Not according to her and she's from Central control.

- Central control? - Who are you?

Show them.

That's it. The pressure control valve.

It'll blow the entire process if pressure builds 1 pound above 10,000 pounds.

Just like a pressure cooker.

Yes, except we wanna blow up the entire kitchen.

- And that's the way to do it. - How do you reach it?

You follow the green pipes.

[GUNFIRE]

[GRUNTING]

[GUNFIRE]

Cover me. I'll get him, just watch.

[MAN SCREAMS]

[ALARM WAILING]

What's wrong? We must not exceed 10,000.

I can't understand it. The automatic cut-off should have gone on at 10,000.

You see? Gold! Gold!

[RANDOLPH LAUGHING]

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

Wouldn't you know it?

We're in time to save the world, but we're late for Imogen's wedding.

Oh, look, they're coming out.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

A little bird, uh, whispered...

...that you've paid for the, uh, bride's trousseau and her reception.

And why not, Napoleon?

When the father of the bride is not available--

[IN UNISON] The next best thing is an uncle.

Quite so, gentlemen. Quite so.

[ENGLISH SDH]