Original subtitles

You know, son, you remind me of a relative back home.

- Your uncle? - Yep.

- Uncle Waverly? - That's the one, all right.

Now, my predicament is I'm mite short of bus fare back home.

- How short? - About $1500.

Well, how about a magazine to read in the bus?

Oh, I ain't here for no magazines.

They told me I'd get 1500.

These magazines have a....

A lot of pictures.

I don't suppose you'd care to take off your nose and stay a while.

I think that clever little man just sold us his lunch.

Well, he knew all the countersigns.

He knows how to sell apples.

[SNIFFS]

I hope Mr. Waverly knows what this is all about because I don't understa--

We have company.

And I'll take that one too, please.

Certainly. Uh....

Give the man his apple, Napoleon.

[GRUNTING]

It is a real apple, then?

It is indeed.

Though I'll hardly recommend you eating them.

Well, I'm quite sure I'll never eat an apple again.

WAVERLY: Look at this, gentlemen.

[MACHINE HUMMING]

WAVERLY: What do you see?

Spectrograph.

Come now, Mr. Solo, we can be more specific than that.

It looks like an organic compound.

Six carbons, perhaps a benzene ring with several attached radicals.

WAVERLY: Commendable, Mr. Kuryakin.

And the compound you've described is known by the common name of....

Apple juice.

WAVERLY: Recognize it, Mr. Solo?

Uh, well....

WAVERLY: Recognize this one, gentlemen?

Apple juice?

Well, not quite.

You'll notice the addition of a nitrate band...

...and a broadening of the hydroxide group.

A nitrogen polymer.

Correct again, Mr. Kuryakin.

Tribenzol nitrate.

In lay terms, Mr. Solo, Thrush has added a new ingredient to the common apple.

Such a reaction is impossible without the energy provided by a cyclotron.

Precisely, therefore, gentlemen, your mission is twofold.

Find the apples that are being turned into weapons of destruction...

...and the cyclotron that accomplished that task.

Uh, why has Thrush gone to all this trouble?

Thrush intends to use this explosive to detonate a nuclear stockpile.

- When? - Very soon.

- That, we're quite certain. - Where?

Ah. That we do not know.

Well, you can't very well keep ordinary apples...

...out of every nuclear complex in the world.

You're right once again, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Where do we begin? - Purple Valley.

- How do you know that? - Elementary, my dear Kuryakin.

This is what the apple was wrapped in.

And where is Purple Valley?

In an area some people describe, rather crudely, I'm afraid...

...as hillbilly country.

- Sheriff Skully. - Yes, sir?

Sheriff Skully, how riled up do you figure I'd get if I found one of my hands...

...stealing some of them apples?

The special fancy apples.

Mighty riled. Mighty riled.

And what do you figure I'd do if I caught him...

...selling them to U.N.C.L.E., Sheriff Skully?

Horsewhip him. That's what I'd do, Colonel Picks.

Well, that sounds right reasonable, but....

[CHUCKLES]

I look at this poor traveling critter here.

I don't think his constitution will stand up to that kind of punishment.

Maybe he needs a little exercise.

Not a bad idea.

How fast you figure you can run, boy?

Go ahead, run.

SOLO: "Welcome to beautiful Purple Valley."

I have a feeling we're not going to dispose of too many encyclopedias around here.

Now, that's not a proper attitude for our gold-star salesman.

- Bumpy road. - Very.

[DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE]

All right, Skully, I think that poacher's had enough of a head start...

...to make it a sporting proposition.

[BARKING AND WHINING]

[HONK HONKS]

[SOLO GRUNTS]

What does the manual say about moving a burro?

Don't push from behind.

What are you doing?

I was merely going to frighten the beast off.

Well, don't frighten the beast off.

You'll have every cop in the whole countryside on our neck.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

That mule's eating her dailies.

Oh, is that what that is?

I'd take it, uh, he's not doing it right.

You city fellers.

Come on, come on, baby. Come on, come on.

Come on, that's it, come on. Come on, baby, come on.

Well, now, I guess you boys are obliged to give me a ride into town.

SOLO: I was hoping you'd say that.

Napoleon, I know you have a need, but--

She can show us the way.

- I have a map. SOLO: Good.

You use the map.

Well, now, that's mighty neighborly of y'all. I'm Nina Lillette.

I'm Napoleon Solo and this is Illya Kuryakin.

My, what funny names y'all have. Can't be from around here.

We're from up north.

Traveling salesmen?

Uh, yes, in a way.

Y'all know something?

I've heard stories about traveling salesmen.

But in all my born days, ain't never met none yet.

There aren't too many of us around anymore.

Say, wait a minute, y'all ain't revenue agents?

- No, no, no. - Well, that's good.

Because two years ago, come spring, two revenuers come through here...

...and bust up nearly 200 stills before they's caught on to.

Said they was encyclopedia salesmen.

Daddy Jo, that's my grandpappy.

He never did tell me what they did to them.

Said it weren't for an innocent girl's ears.

[DOGS BARKING]

What is this, a game preserve?

I think them hounds is after somebody.

[HORSE GALLOPING]

And who be you, stranger boys?

We're salesmen.

Yeah? What you selling?

- Fertiliz-- - Chemicals.

Chemical fertilizer.

You from up north, ain't you?

I guess you could tell by our accents.

Now you just get right back in that vehicle and get as far from here as you can.

Daddy Jo ain't gonna appreciate this, Miss Nina.

Who is your friend?

Oh, that's Sheriff Skully.

He's the second-most hateful man in the valley.

Sec--? Who's the first?

His boss, Colonel Picks.

Who's Colonel Picks?

Don't you boys know nothing?

Colonel Picks owns the biggest apple orchard...

...in these here parts.

Well, thank you.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Well, I got some bad news for you, colonel.

That puny little apple poacher up and died on us.

Oh, that's mighty inconsiderate of him.

We got at least a hundred bushel of apples to get down.

- And we ship tonight. - Tonight?

Well, I gotta have a few more hands. I better send that truck into Picksville.

You do that, Skully.

I saw an innocent thing on the way down here.

Couple of bright-looking stranger boys.

Oh, do tell. Big-city boys, were they?

Well, they sure looked like it. Said they were salesmen.

Salesmen, huh?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Well, I told them to hightail it out of these parts.

I did right, huh?

No, you didn't do right, Skully.

I wanna talk to them fellas. Now you go fetch them for me.

All right.

SOLO: Picksville, named for Colonel Picks?

NINA: Sure, he owns everything in town. Almost everybody.

Uh-oh.

That wouldn't be your grandfather?

Sure is.

Grandpa don't take to me riding with strangers.

Men strangers, that is.

He thinks they only got one thing on their minds.

You know.

Well, Napoleon's not like that at all.

I know. Neither one of you boys made a pass at me.

Are you sure you're traveling salesmen?

- Howdy. - Get out of there, gal.

We were just giving your granddaughter a lift.

We're salesmen.

ILLYA: Chemical fertilizers.

My advice to you slickers is get on with whatever your selling and then get.

That seems to be their favorite word around here, "get."

- Mm. - Thanks for the ride.

Mm-hm.

We don't hold to no strangers traveling through here and messing up our women.

We just gave your granddaughter a lift, sir.

Well, I'll give you a lift with two pound of lead shot.

Come on, gal.

And remember, I warned you.

She's not your type anyway.

I guess I'll never have a chance to find out.

Look.

"Hands needed immediately." What do you think?

SOLO: "Top rates." Can't afford to pass that up.

We can't both go.

Tails.

Heads.

Who knows? This may open up a whole new career for you.

ILLYA: Mm.

You might have your own orchard someday.

Well, you city folk never do appreciate the good life.

You better get going. You're going to miss the boat, slim.

[TRUCK ENGINE REVVING]

[AMERICAN ACCENT] How much we make?

Eight dollars, just for the rest of the day.

[NORMAL VOICE] Open Channel D.

Hello, son. Welcome to Picks' Orchard.

Come in, Illya. Illya.

Open Channel D, emergency relay.

Go ahead, Mr. Solo.

I just received a communication from Illya but it was cut off before I could answer.

Where is he?

At Picks' Orchard in Purple Valley.

Hm.

Then it's just possibly he's found what you're looking for.

We've just received information those explosives will be shipped tonight.

- Tonight? - Yes.

You better get out there immediately.

SKULLY: Hold it there, boy.

I thought you'd be miles away from here by now, boy.

Well, I haven't filled my quota yet.

Chemical fertilizer?

Right. Soilarama, the best fertilizer in the world.

Come on, follow me. I'm taking you in.

- For what? - Speeding.

Speeding?

Why, you were streaking down this county highway...

...like a raccoon in a forest fire.

I clocked you at 60 mile an hour.

Well, that's not possible.

Now don't you come on surly with me, city boy.

You're in enough trouble already.

Well, aren't there other law officers in this valley?

Sure, boy, and I'm taking you to the magistrate right now.

We do everything real legal here in this county.

Let's go.

Man. Man, them's real apples.

Notice how juice come oozing out when you slice them up.

Well, that's real good eating.

And I don't blame folks for snooping around.

They wanna find out how them apples is growed.

Right, boy?

What's the matter, boy?

Cat got your tongue?

Maybe you ought to have a nice piece of apple.

Might loosen up your tongue a bit, huh?

You got real bad manners for a city boy.

Refusing an offering from your host.

Now, careful now, boy.

I wouldn't want you to cut your tongue.

[PICKS CHUCKLES]

Now that you accepted my hospitality...

...maybe you'd let me into your confidence.

What are you doing on my property?

Well, I did have a good job in town in a luggage factory.

It was all indoor work and living.

I wanted to get out and breathe free under the open skies.

Well, that kind of smart-aleck talking ain't gonna do you any good, boy.

Now, we're not just a bunch of ignorant hill people here.

What can I do to convince you of that? Hm?

Are you ticklish, boy?

Or maybe a little tickling will loosen you up a mite, huh?

Oh, I once tried to tickle a man on the end of his nose...

...but my aim ain't too good.

Plucked his eyeball plumb out of his head.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, I'm sorry to make you wait, son, but I got some pressing business.

But don't you fret. We'll continue in just a spell.

I hate to remind you, gents, but this is a rented jeep.

This here's Colonel Picks. He's the owner of the Picks' Orchard.

Oh. I thought I was going to see the magistrate.

I'm also the magistrate.

Oh. Well, we've killed two birds with one stone...

...if you'll excuse the expression.

Boy, you're standing on my property.

I reckon you better be pretty quick about telling me what you're doing here.

Well, on my way down here, I took a look at your, uh--

Your apples. And they're getting kind of yellow.

I hate to tell you, Colonel Picks, but you've got zinc-poor soil.

Let me introduce you to the best friend a man's soil ever had.

Soilarama.

Contains the minimum daily requirements for blooming apples.

Our motto is, "Put zinc in your soil, and red in your apples."

No, I want him alive. Now come on.

Guy, turn the dogs loose on him.

[DOGS BARKING]

We'll let the dogs run him for a while.

That'll take some of the starch out of him.

Okay, son, I want some answers, and I want them fast.

How about it, son, you ready to talk?

[GRUNTS]

How about it, boy? You ready to talk now?

[DOGS BARKING]

Get away. Scat, scat.

Scat, scat. Get out, get out.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I'm glad you were friendly with them.

They wouldn't even listen to me.

Shoot, them hounds? I known them since they was little pups.

They was pretty good pups too, till Colonel Picks got ahold of them.

I'm beginning to share your dislike for Colonel Picks.

Oh, really? Well, that kind of makes us friends, don't it, Mr. Solo?

Well, I guess so, yeah.

I mean, if that old Colonel Picks is after you...

...you must be a pretty good fellow. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, gosh, look what those critters done to your nice new suit.

Well, that's okay. It's almost a month old.

Well, listen, y'all come home with me and I'll patch you all up.

No, no, no, I appreciate it. I'll be all right.

Well, I ain't gonna bite you.

All I wanna do is patch up your clothes.

I'm pretty good at sewing.

I'm sure you are, I'd like to take you up on it.

But I've got something to do.

Mr. Solo, if I was to leave you here alone in these woods...

...them hounds will be right back at your throat.

Okay, you talked me into it.

I've never seen a boy as stubborn as you.

Why didn't you talk to the man?

Stand up, son. I brought you some company. Get over there.

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

Get that rope.

You know what to do.

Now pull.

Pull hard!

[COUGHS]

Well, at least we have light.

For as long as it lasts.

My name's Illya.

Gardner. Gardner Brown.

Did you have a falling out with the colonel too?

All I did was take a couple of lumps of coal.

From in here?

If you look far enough, you could still find a few pieces laying about.

Well, seems like the colonel is very touchy about a little coal.

They said I was spying on them.

Was there anything else in this cave besides coal?

Coal is the only thing I ever took.

But did you see anything that you shouldn't?

They asked me if I knew something about the big room.

That's a place with a lot of machines and things...

...but I don't know what they're doing in there.

Well, could you find it if you had to?

- I don't think I want to. - But could you?

I don't matter. We'll never get out of here anyway.

I'll bet you meet a lot of interesting people in the chemical fertilizing business.

Lately it seems, yes.

Did you ever see two hogs kiss?

No. Nina, would you, uh, please--?

They rub their snouts together.

- Oh. - Well, that's kissing, ain't it?

- Yes, that's-- - Ha, ha!

Can you imagine kissing a bristly old hog?

Well, I guess you have to be a hog to really appreciate it.

I once had me a couple hogs who'd rather kiss than eat.

You believe that?

Well, I certainly have no reason to, uh, doubt you.

Well, I seen it with my own eyes in the every day.

Them hogs kept getting thinner and thinner.

Finally kissed themselves right into the grave.

Gee, that's a shame....

Shucks, didn't bother us none.

By that time, we had a whole barnyard full of hogs.

[LAUGHS]

- Nina, would you please--? - Oh, just keep your quilt on.

[SOLO SIGHS]

I'll bet you're wondering if I'm a good kisser.

Nina, why don't you concentrate on your work?

Well, ain't you curious?

Well, actually, I'm more in a hurry.

Y'all kiss me now, you'll find out.

Okay, uh....

After you finish.

Now. I think I already earned one kiss.

All right, I'll--

No, come on.

Hey, there.

Why you tight-pantsed, hot-lipped Casanova.

Caught you red-handed this time, eh?

I know it's something of a clich�, Daddy Jo, but things are not always as they seem.

Oh, you honey-tongued city slicker.

Coming to this here valley and getting my Nina all worked up?

Daddy Jo, I ain't all worked up.

Ah.

What line of work are you in, son?

Uh, he's in chemical fertilizing, Daddy Jo.

It's very unsteady work. Seasonal.

Helen, get Eugene for me.

Chemical fertilizer ain't exactly my cup of tea.

But, by jiminy, you're the last traveling man who's gonna--

Eugene? Yeah, this is Jojo.

Get right over here with your marrying book.

Nina got herself a live one.

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

I think it's loosening.

If we get out of here--

[ILLYA SPITS]

You really wanna go to the big room?

It's what I'm here for.

Are they making moonshine in there?

Ha, ha. I am not a revenue agent.

Well, I'm glad of that.

Ain't nobody in these hills that take kindly to revenuers.

What I'm after is much more powerful than alcohol.

I didn't know there was anything more powerful than alcohol.

I'm after something that's powerful enough to set off World War III.

Well, if I were you, I wouldn't drink any of that at all.

All right, on three.

One, two, three.

[GRUNTS]

ILLYA: Hold it, hold it. Coming down.

Come on, are you ready?

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Maybe we can dig our way out.

No, there's no time. There isn't enough air.

A beam in the floor?

There must be a tunnel underneath.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

[SIGHS]

All right.

Upsy-dowsy.

One.

Okay, I'll try to explain once more now.

Illya and I are U.N.C.L.E. agents and we're trying to find a plant...

...that turns apples into high explosives.

[LAUGHING]

DADDY JO: Wowee. Hee-hee.

I told some pretty tall ones in my time.

But that there is the craziest tale I ever did hear.

Having you for a grandson-in-law ain't too proud.

But sure gonna be a heap of fun.

All right, I won't waste my time explaining anymore.

I've gotta be going now.

I wouldn't try that, son.

- Hey, I ain't through with those yet. - Oh, that's all right.

Thanks for what you've done anyway.

[DADDY JO LAUGHS]

You ain't gonna get very far in that quilt.

Or are you figuring on going in your birthday suit?

Which is the way to the big room?

- Uh-uh. - What's the matter?

I'm not going and you can't go without me.

- It's very important I go there, Gardner. - To you, not to me.

I got a wife and family, and they're important to me.

Let's get out of here and break loose from each other.

And then you can go back alone.

Listen, I have a very good reason for wanting you to go, Gardner.

It's an explosive, and if they use it, a lot of wives and families...

...are gonna get hurt.

And who's gonna use it?

Colonel Picks.

Come on, let's go.

We're still at least two hours behind schedule.

SKULLY: I'm working them hard. PICKS: Work them harder.

The truck has to be on the road by 9:30.

Well, what's the difference if we're a couple of cases short?

That explosive has been measured and fixed.

It's up to you to furnish every last pound.

Well, I'll try.

You'll do better than try.

[WHISPERS] Don't move.

[GRUNTS]

Prisoners are escaping.

ILLYA: Hey.

ILLYA: Hold it.

Hurry up, Illya.

[BARKING]

The U.N.C.L.E. agent's escaping.

Well, don't just stand there, you fool. Sound the alarm.

[ALARM BLARING]

PICKS: Ah, come on, now. Come on.

MAN: Come on, guys, come on.

Come on, guys. Come on, come on.

Don't worry, they ain't gonna get away from them dogs.

And there ain't nowhere to hide in them woods.

Unless one of our hill people takes them in.

Guy, spread the word that them strangers is revenuers.

Follow them, make sure they're finished off.

Right.

[DOGS BARKING]

ILLYA: Hey.

Let's get rid of these.

[GRUNTING]

Come on, again.

[GRUNTS]

GARDNER: I don't think we're gonna make it.

We're gonna make it.

[DOGS BARKING]

[DOGS WHIMPERING]

[SNIFFS]

Mm, mm.

Them hog jowls smell good.

One thing I can say about Nina. She ain't very bright...

...but she can cook and sew.

And that's more than I can say for her grandma.

Nina, I think I'll have a sample of them jowls.

I got you in an awful mess, didn't I?

It wasn't your fault.

You're mixed up in something awfully important, aren't you?

You're after that nasty old Colonel Picks.

Yeah, and I've gotta get out of here.

[WHISPERS] Fully clothed.

Don't you just like me a little bit?

I like you a lot.

But I need my clothes.

I'll get them for you.

- Okay. - Okay.

[WHISPERING] I like you even more now.

[WHISPERING] I'm glad.

As a matter of fact...

...after this is all over...

...I'll prove it to you.

Gee, I can't hardly wait.

Okay, I've got it on now.

Now, as soon as I make my move for the door, you drop to the floor.

Just in case.

Okay.

DADDY JO: All dressed there, young fella?

[CHUCKLES]

SOLO: Yep. All dressed.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES OUTSIDE]

Good, because here's the preacher.

[DOGS BARKING]

SKULLY: Now they can't but be around here.

They didn't disappear.

I think we lost them back there.

Come on, let's go.

[BOTH PANTING]

Well, once more should do it.

You know your way back to the mines?

Yeah, it's about a hundred yards that way.

Right.

There'll be some houses there. The hill people will help you.

They hate the colonel almost as much as they hate revenuers.

You'll be all right?

I know these swamps better than the hound dogs.

Well, goodbye and good luck.

"And whomsoever hath reason to cause these two...

...not to be joined together--"

May I, uh, say something?

Why, you ought to be right happy Nina's marrying a poor fella like you.

"Joined in holy wedlock, let him speak now...

...or forever hold his peace."

[GASPS]

[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]

I'm certainly glad you got here. Come on.

Come on.

"Speak now or forever hold his peace."

[WHISPERS] Speak, speak. - Speak? I, uh--

Well, what's going on?

A wedding.

Any objections?

Let me tell you the truth about this man.

- The truth? - Out with it, boy, out with it.

I have to apologize for my, uh, brother-in-law here.

The father of my sister's nine children.

He does this all the time.

We have to keep our eyes on him every minute.

My sister put him on a spice-free diet, but it didn't seem to help.

DADDY JO: Nine children?

Yeah, there's Robert, and Eunice, and Edward--

A pack of lies. Nobody these days has nine children.

These two is in cahoots.

On with the wedding.

Well, wait a minute, let me see now, where was I? Oh.

"Speak now or forever hold his peace."

[BARKING]

What in tarnation is going on out there?

Wait a minute.

Hey, Clem, what's going on?

Them strangers is revenuers.

Revenuers?

I'd sooner see my granddaughter marry a hoss thief than a revenuer.

Come on, Jojo, help us find him.

Wait a minute.

- They're inside, them revenuers. - Inside? Come on.

[SOBBING]

Out the back.

Get the dogs.

Y'all can come out now.

I don't know how we'll be able to thank you for this, Nina.

Well, I couldn't just let them string you up.

Even if I were a revenuer?

Even if you was a revenuer.

ILLYA: We have to get back to the mine. - Just a minute.

Y'all hurry, I know a shortcut through the swamp.

Well, come on, I'll show you.

We'll have to work fast. They're almost loaded.

Mm. Let's get on with it.

You stay here.

I thought I told you to stay back there.

I-- I wanna help too.

I hate that old Colonel Picks just as much as you do.

DADDY JO: Hey, sheriff, sheriff.

I got me a revenuer.

[DADDY JO LAUGHS]

Hey, you! Stop that, you big bully.

- Nina, Nina. NINA: Get your hands off of him.

PICKS: Thank you, Daddy Jo. I was rooting for you.

All right. Take them down the mine.

I'm sorry that y'all gonna miss the fireworks tonight.

You might have proven valuable to help pick up the pieces.

Will there be pieces to pick up?

Oh, sure, and the people to pick them up.

Thrush agents all over the world have been notified of the exact time of detonation.

I still don't understand how you change the apples into explosives...

...without the use of a cyclotron.

Mr. Kuryakin, you are actually inside a natural cyclotron.

See, this room is situated...

...between two rich veins of iron oxide.

Magnetite.

It's natural magnet.

PICKS: You said it, boy.

Natural magnet 7000 feet long.

And this room directly between the opposite poles...

...makes it the natural beneficiary of 10 billion electron volts.

- All set to roll, colonel. - Oh, good.

Well, my friends, I must leave you now.

Sheriff Skully, take care of them.

I've left you some of our very special apples.

All right, shut everything down.

The colonel has left it up to me as to, uh, just how to get rid of you folks.

Oh, now you needn't worry because I'm not a violent man.

I'm gonna make it easy for you.

It's just gonna be one big, quick flash.

And then it's gonna be all over.

About three minutes, we'll be long gone by then.

[GRUNTING]

SOLO: Let's get out of here fast.

ILLYA: Let's go.

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

ILLYA: Let's go.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Well, one thing's for sure.

What's that?

Mr. Solo and his friend, they ain't revenuers.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[GUNSHOTS]

I still don't see how they expected to get close enough...

...to an atomic stockpile to set it off.

They wouldn't have to get closer than a few miles.

You see, Napoleon, the principle of atomic fission.

You have a critical mass of plutonium.

Then it's only necessary to use an electrical triggering device--

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Excuse me.

Yes?

WOMAN: There's a Miss Lillette to see Mr. Solo.

Miss Lillette? Did you ask a Miss Lillette to come here?

Uh, yes, I did.

Ask her to come in, please.

You asked her to come here?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, but she's not your usual date for the big city.

I thought I might take her to a hootenanny.

Ethnic music.

And I thought we might--

- Hi. - Hi.

Gee, that's, uh, very nice.

Oh, thank you.

Nina, this is Mr. Waverly.

Oh, how you do?

Oh, I hope y'all didn't mind me bringing Daddy Jo along.

I just love hootenannies.

[ENGLISH SDH]