Original subtitles

♪ When I came back from Luang Prabang ♪

♪ I didn't have a thing ♪ where my balls used to hang ♪

♪ But I got a wooden medal ♪ and a fine harangue ♪

♪ Now I'm a fucking hero ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ And now the boys all envy me ♪

♪ I fought for Christian democracy ♪

♪ With nothing but air ♪ where my balls used to be ♪

♪ Now I'm a fucking hero ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ When one and twenty cannon thunder ♪

♪ Into the bloody wild blue yonder ♪

♪ For a patriotic ball-less wonder ♪

♪ Now I'm a fucking hero ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ If you wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ In Luang Prabang there is a spot ♪

♪ Where the corpses of your brothers rot ♪

♪ And every corpse is a patriot ♪

♪ Every corpse is a hero ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ If you wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ If you wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ If you wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

♪ Mourn your dead land of the free ♪

♪ You wanna be a hero, follow me ♪

Ladies and Gentlemen.... The next L train...

- Hey man, it's Eli.

Uh, look, we... we heard about Timothy and I'm really sorry.

I know you probably don't want to hear much of anything right now

We're here for you, man.

We're at the studio, don't disappear on us.

It means that poverty is a new slavery.

It means that the new Jim Crow

is an intense form of slavery.

It means that working people locked into a declining economy

in which wages stagnate, prices escalate,

and profits go, hit the top,

is also a form of slavery,

metaphorically and literally speaking.

Now, climate change for me, is a very serious issue.

I don't think it's going to be the catalytic issue.

I think it's either going to be revolutionary transformation

that allows us to get some control

over banks and corporations,

so we can treat nature as a "thou" rather than an "it,"

but when I hear a lot of discourse on climate change,

I hear people thinking, "Oh my God,

my life is going to be like a wasteland."

Well, you know, for poor people, it's a wasteland everyday.

- How y'all doing? I'm Will, and uh...

I want to share a poem by a good friend of mine,

Jan Barry, he served in Vietnam.

How big would the War Memorial wall be

if it listed all the names of soldiers who died of suicide?

Abel Baker Charlie,

Jacob David George, three tours in Afghanistan,

Jeffrey Lucey.

- I dunno how long, looking out the glass door at this car,

'cause I was convinced that somebody was coming,

maybe not for me specifically,

but like they, they picked my house

and they were coming into my fucking house.

I'm crouched in my kitchen at two a.m. holding a handgun,

'cause there's a car parked across the street.

Like what the fuck am I doing?

I wasn't in my body.

I was...

I don't know where I was.

- Did they?

Really?

- fuck kinda organization is that?

- Well-- - Yeah.

- Okay

- What were the numbers?

- Operation Truth, you remember that?

- Well, I'm gonna go back in... - Alright...

- Need a hand? - Yeah.

- In 1969 and '70, in Okinawa,

There was a, like a GI, uh, concert hall

that they called themselves The Filmore West.

Yeah I mean you could get it, but it was real expensive 'cause it was not home grown...

Like opium, hashish and all that...

This really wild beach, where you had to wade across this lagoon, to get to it...

...climb around on these hills, and there were these caves...

...find these like porcelain boxes...

on what look like dragon-claw feet

and when you open it up

inside was a human skeleton...

- What's up?

- Hey, how's it going?

You're here for the workshop?

- Yeah. - Right on, my name's Eli.

- Isabelle.

- Good to meet ya.

You a vet? - Yeah.

- What branch?

- Marines.

- Cool, welcome home.

I was in the Army myself, I was a Medic.

What was your MOS?

- MP. - All right, that's cool,

even MP's are all right here.

- Which state were you in?

- Confusion.

- The idea is that we make handmade paper

from military uniforms.

We want vets to tell their own story

in their own words and images

on paper that they make themselves.

So, we do letterpress printing...

If you want to do a book, maybe, out of your old journals.

I'm working on stencil over here.

It's a memorial for a buddy of ours.

These guys are binding a book right now,

all by hand

and right here, we're just cutting some rag.

So this is where the whole thing begins, basically.

Hey guys, the cops are here.

I'm just kidding, this is Isabelle.

She's a MP for the Marines, she just got out.

- Semper Fi, Baby.

- This is uh, this is the gang.

These are our Vietnam geezers here.

Walt, he's a Vietnam vet

and his son was in Afghanistan too.

We got Jan over here, he was in Vietnam.

Kevin's Iraq vet. - Hey.

Malloy over here was in Iraq too.

These guys over here, this is Will over there,

he was in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Nate was in Iraq back during the invasion,

that's around the time I was there too.

Um, you got your own uniforms?

- I do, I didn't bring them though.

- That's cool, that's what these are here donated for,

so really it's a pretty straight forward process.

We cut this stuff up and it goes in the machine in there,

it beats it to a pulp and then we form sheets on screens,

press them, dry 'em and then it's up to you, a blank slate.

- So yeah, we give you the toolbox,

it's up to you to decide what you want to do with it.

We're just going to help you along the way, so..

- You know, just to kind of get yourself going,

do something easy first, you know?

the best come out of the Survival...

Feels good, huh?

Survival manual...

How to get water out of a cactus...

- I been hooked on paper making

ever since the first time I heard that sound.

- Snare a seagull's leg or some shit.

Like impossible things,

if you got to jump off a ship,

they advise you to take your pants off

and put them over your head.

- That shit works?

- I don't know.

I guess it kinda does! it's better than nothing, but...

- So sometimes what we'll do

is we'll cut the uniform off the veteran's body.

So like the first guy who did it,

he cut it from his own body

and then I had him and another friend cut it off my body

as this sort of rite of passage.

- Okinawa's a pretty trippy place

even without LSD.

- So I remember going, in high school,

going the guidance counselors office.

"What do you want to do after you graduate?"

So I wrote on there,

I wanna go to college and work with computers

and I spelled college and computers wrong.

I was never really good at spelling.

I'm better now, but

the guy pivots in his chair, within arm's reach

is a whole rack of recruiting pamphlets.

He grabs the US Army with the Apache helicopter

right on the top.

- Up against the car and I said, I'm here for the party.

I'm here for the party because I genuinely thought

that I was at the right house.

I thought I was there for, for a party

and he said, I don't know that guy.

They cuffed me, stuffed me, took me to the county jail.

Wrong fucking house. Felony criminal trespass,

public intoxication,

do 90 days in jail,

then after that go to the military, I get a clean record.

My life was going this direction and very suddenly,

it turned and went this direction,

like I stepped into an alternative reality or something.

- So how are you holding up, man?

- I'm good man, thanks.

- You sleeping?

- Yeah, me neither.

So, you've been in touch with his family yet, or what?

- Yeah man, I uh, called his mom.

I didn't know what the fuck to say, just hysterical.

- There's not much you can say.

- I'm here, you know, need anything, blah, blah, blah.

- Ask her for a photo or uniform, make a memorial.

It seems like every time I'm finishing up one,

I got to start on another.

Yeah man, just let me know what you want.

I'm happy to help.

- When I was at WestPoint, they were talking about,

"Well, we'll send them the big battalions."

That's what they sent in in 1965.

- Battalions? Not divisions?

- We didn't even have helmets that much

in, in that timeframe in Vietnam.

You know, I never saved any of my uniforms,

so I don't have one to cut up.

- Really?

- Yeah, I just wanted to get out of the military,

Finally got so frustrated, I went and joined

a peace demonstration in 1967.

Somebody had provided a banner

that said Vietnam Veterans Against the War,

so they were at the very beginning of this march

coming out of Central Park

and we'd been told

that you'd get in big trouble

if you wore a uniform to a political event,

but in January of 68,

enough people were fed up with the fact

that the war continued and continued.

- Timothy or Tim

either is really fine.

So am I supposed to say how I feel or something?

Know how the little smileys,

you know, that says like, "How d'ya feel?"

- Nah... - Yeah?

- All right? - Yeah, fair.

- Hi, Neil.

- Thousands of people, veterans, staff members,

family members coming and going to the hospital

and also residents on the street.

I took out this sign.

This project had been on my mind for some time.

- Alright, Bud, I'll see ya next week.

Okay, thank you.

Awesome.

Every time I called it a war Timothy got upset.

Corrects me.

- What did he want you to call it?

- An occupation.

Shit, Vietnam was an occupation too, still a war.

- This is different.

- Every generation thinks their war is different.

You know, I'm back on the meds myself.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- I figured I was pretty well past all this shit.

Then I started seeing you guys coming home, burned,

amputated limbs, PTSD, this traumatic brain injury now,

all that shit.

Just like when I came back.

Resurrects a lot of shit.

You've been doing peer to peer now for what?

Three years? It's inevitable.

You were gonna go through this.

- I'm thinking some time off.

- Did you speak to his regular doctor or his VA shrink?

The department's looking into this kid's case,

but you know what they're going to say.

They didn't know about the other meds.

Everyone signs that agreement.

They're not getting meds from an outside provider.

That's how they cover their asses.

VA is gonna wash their hands of it.

I know the system's fucked in a lot of ways,

but it ain't on them.

And it ain't on you either, brother, you gotta know that.

Either he had a provider from outside the system

or he was getting that shit off the street.

I know what you're going through.

I mean, shit, if he was lying about what he was taking,

there's really no way for anyone to know.

I hate to say it, but if a kid wants to die,

he's gonna find a way.

- Out of nowhere, 4,000 Vets show up.

I mean, you can feel it, people, Arkansas, California.

Was cold as shit. - Cold as shit!

- The youth started that fight.

- Hm mm. - The elders lost it.

'Cause they were telling us,

"Yeah, we can trust the courts."

"This thing it's gonna be fine, we can go home."

"We don't want anyone to get hurt."

Meanwhile, the kids were the radicals.

They were saying, "No, we don't want this pipeline."

"Or any pipeline." - Right, right.

"We don't trust no court. We don't trust the President.

"We're gonna physically block this thing."

- Hey, welcome back. - S'up?

- Just getting set up.

Can I help?

- Yeah all of this has to go out.

- You bring your uniform?

- I did.

Standing Rock was nuts...

Belgium. They rebuilt it, actually...

- When you rebuild a building like that, though

is it still, like...

it's not the same thing.

Feel like they should have to give it a different name

If something's destroyed you can't rename its replacement the same thing

Well, ya know, the-- Let the name die with the thing

It didn't die

If it burned down, it fuckin died

it was resurrected

It's a building, it ain't- a fucking Messiah.

Well, I'll tell you something, if there's any possibility...

of a ressurrection, I would think....

- Nah, I was uh... I deployed three times.

Once in Afghanistan, twice in Iraq.

Intel.

He's a guy... everybody should know Smedley Butler

Practically nobody does.

But in the Marine Corps, he - he is still a hero.

Even Leatherneck magazine acknowledges what he did,

y'know, warning Congress about all these capitalists

wanting to overthrow the Roosevelt administration.

- Fucked up

- It's okay

Sometimes you'll get really rough ones like this,

but you know, once you get the hang of it,

you can make them smooth and corners sharp.

Can kind of control how much of that--

super-handmade paper look you want.

- What's that ARMY stand for?

What's that A R M Y ?

Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet?

What is that, United States Moron Club?

Anyway, tell the Beglians that.

I'm not saying people shouldn't rebuild shit

when it's destroyed, by all means we should,

but I think you should give it a new name, a new identity

part of acknowledging-- - Well, I'm gonna write--

- that it came to the end of one life,

and it's beginning another-- - Wait, no, not in there.

- I'm gonna write them a letter--

- C'mon, I'll show you.

- A letter, the Belgians and tell them--

- Tell em to change that fucking name.

- Rename it the Eli Wright Building.

- No, no--

- cause he has an opinion to straighten you people out.

- Pour it in there.

- See, one thing that I love about this process is,

it's forgiving, you know?

Like if you fuck up, you can always fix it

and you can always do it over.

I mean, it's not like some exclusive art in that way.

Anybody could do it.

See, in here, you got...

sand, blood...

Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan, South Carolina.

Uranium, sweat... Panama...

You, uh, you seen the paper yet?

- This is a dope process, man.

- Right?

It's messy as fuck.

Fun to get your hands all...

- I had this uh... "incident" happen.

It wasn't an incident.

But it got me thinking...

it'd be good to be around people more.

I mean...

Not just any people. I mean...

I only feel comfortable

around people who want to kill themselves. So.

- Yeah.

Think I hear you on that.

- Was as much of a hero in civilian life

as he was as a general.

- Yeah, sometimes Marines can...

can do something that's a halfways intelligent.

- What?

Wait a minute.

Does that shirt say "bad brains"?

What's that "bad brains" mean?

it's a Reggae punk band from the Eighties,

don't you know that? - No...

- Better.

Reggae punk band from the Eighties.

♪ Ain't no cure for the summertime blues ♪

- Best version ever.

Well, Motorcycle Irene? Stark naked,

unsacred Motorcycle Irene.

I'm just gonna use a book-binding knot

This is tough. - Yeah

If you...

are more comfortable doing that.

It doesn't necessarily matter

what type of knot you use.

I use this knot because it's...

how I learned to do it in medicine, so, it works for this.

If you have a book binding knot by all means.

- I'm pretty sure I fucked this up pretty bad.

- Oh, you didn't snip your thread, that's why.

That's all...

- Okay, well-- - But don't take it out.

You're fine there,

all you gotta do is--

- Just do it there, right there?

- Yeah, go ahead.

How're those tweezers working for you?

- Fuck off! - Those aren't scissors.

- The fuck do they look like?

All right, hang on.

- They teach you how to use a gun as an MP

but you can't even use a pair of scissors?

- Are Marine MPs more bad-ass than army MPs?

- Fuck yeah, of course!

The fuck kinda question is that? Shit!

That's why they don't hire Army MPs

to guard the embassies.

Only the Marines get to do that--

- So did you want to be a cop... as a civilian?

and used the Marines as a way to get there, or--

- No, the only-- nah--

- What was your thing?

- You got a pet peeve?

- No, I, I did something really stupid.

I headbutted my brother and I knocked him out.

Ho ho! Headbutted?

Damn!

What'd he say to deserve that one?

Nah, it wasn't like that, game was already over.

Dude comes up, fucking shoves me in the back,

while I'm putting on my jacket

like he wants to fucking say, "Good game, Bro!"

But he's trying to start something.

So of course I do.

Next thing you know, we--

Fuck it.

- Hey, kiddo!

Look it

got you a smartphone.

Alright, get rid of that piece of shit that you have,

get you on the family plan, okay?

Anyway, yo, that thing I was saying yesterday about

starting a dog farm... that was a dumb fucking idea.

But you know, I got more where those came from.

You know, maybe you uh... find something outdoorsy

ya know, that's you.

Oh, before I forget, uh, about the visit.

Not this week.

Yeah, she said she's, she's not feeling so good.

Her back, you know?

- That's why I raised concerns - Okay? Let's get to it.

about the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo,

the abuse of prisoners at Guantanamo,

torture of prisoners at Guantanamo.

Serving in the US military as a chaplain

that I had to speak out.

- Motherfuckers think you owe them something

that the greatest casualty really is,

being left behind,

left behind.

- Timothy, lemme ask you something.

You been out a few years... does it get any better?

- I don't know.

I hate the word healing.

It's not some fucking point of arrival.

It's just...

something you're doing... all the time.

- I wanna...

- Time to kill though?

- Yeah. - What do you think?

We can drive this guy in a circle for a fucking hour.

What about you, Isabelle?

You got something you're gonna read at the gallery?

- Yeah, I got one, I mean,

it's not finished, it's just,

I've been kind of scratching it out.

It's about... a detainee.

We covered their eyes with sandbags,

deprived their will of singing praise.

Nine men kneeling.

None of them cried out.

Like secret police snaking the night,

we slipped into their bedrooms.

We zip-tied their wrists, tight, blood droplets,

ink on their orange jumpers.

We tried to snatch their dignity,

spread fear by word of mouth.

We learned it don't work like that, who knew?

A cornered human won't eat from your hand, who knew?

We covered their eyes with sandbags

deprived their will of simple purpose.

We got the right guy.

LT says again and again, again and again,

echoing off into nothing.

Even then I knew, even then I felt the black hole open.

I'll try harder in another life.

I won't pretend to be a man, born to kill.

Now their ghosts wander my thoughts.

They're somewhere else already.

And I am here.

Listen.

What haunts me are not their curses, but this:

the man who speaks perfect English,

whose name is not ISN154234, but Ahmed.

He's a fruit seller.

Father of three.

He passes me a paper flower, says he forgives me

for I know not what I do.

See what the gallery crowd makes of that.

- That's a gut punch they're gonna need to hear.

- What are you gonna read, Eli?

- I'm not sure yet I've been working on this one.

This is all the things I wish I would have figured out.

I never knew what to say.

Never knew how to cut through

all the contradictions and confusion.

It's like dancing on landmines and swimming in sandstorms

while marching into a war you didn't get to vote for,

with a rifle slung over one shoulder

and a medical aid bag over the other.

It's doing everything you can to save a man's life

who just did everything he could to end yours.

It's seeing medics engaged in torture

and infantrymen engaged in medicine.

It's feeling deaf from the sound of a pounding heart

while praying for a pulse and preaching to the choir

about salvation. It's choking on the smoke

of everything you used to believe in,

after you burned it all to the ground,

it's building bridges then putting up barriers

so nobody can cross them.

It's like locking all the doors everywhere around you.

Then scattering the keys in obvious places,

hoping nobody will find them.

It's like coming back, feeling like a stranger

then running away to feel at home again,

it's being surrounded by everyone you love

and feeling suffocated at the exact same time.

Like writing speeches when you feel completely speechless

and speaking out while you're being strangled,

it's ducking for cover in the sunshine

and searching for a ray of light in the shadows.

It's drinking away the night just to sleep away the day.

It's chain smoking cigarettes under stress

just to catch your breath.

It's your worst vice saving your fucking life.

It's why I've taken to wearing my heart

on my sleeve nowadays to escape the prison of my rib cage

because I'm sick of being trapped in this past life.

- How big is this gallery? How much wall space?

- It's a decent size gallery space,

we got at more than a few hours, to...

- We're doing poetry first, or...?

- Yeah, like let people come in, just see the artwork,

check it out for a while.

- Right, don't want to scare 'em away.

♪ There is power, there is power ♪

♪ In a band of working folks ♪

♪ When we stand, hand in hand ♪

♪ That's a power, that's a power ♪

♪ That must rule in every land ♪

♪ One Industrial Union Grand. ♪

♪ Would you have freedom ♪ from wage slavery ♪

♪ Then come join the Grand-- ♪

♪ Industrial Grand ♪

- Why does it keep doing that?

- Because...

You suck at inking.

♪ There is power, there is power ♪

♪ In the hands of working folks ♪

♪ When we stand, hand in hand ♪

- Well, I don't got it all over my face.

♪ Power that must rule in every land ♪

♪ One Industrial Union Grand ♪

- Looks like you gave me a black eye over here.

Alright, let's do this for real now.

Hold on to that. - I got this.

- Oh, you got this.

I bet you had to say that all the time in Iraq.

- My CO even said he'd put that on my grave at Arlington

if I died out there.

- No more room at Arlington.

- Well, we gotta come up with,

what's the new Memorial gonna be?

if can't keep putting headstones down.

- Just get a big screen.

Jumbo-tron. Flash all the faces and names.

- We are guys who like to drink!

- Well. Off-hours, anyway.

- Maybe we could have a system like,

make labels, or something.

- Yeah, we used to have something like that.

I don't know what happened to it,

Fuck labels, man!

- I been laying on my bed... and I'm just awake,

just always fucking awake.

Lately I can't stop thinking about how

my mother, before I deployed,

she was talking about how...

what's a woman doing in a war

what's a woman doing in a uniform

What's a woman doing, trying to act like... a man or something.

And she basically said to me,

"If you go there,

I don't want to know nothing about you."

"You're not mine anymore."

I don't know if she meant that or what, but anyway,

that's what the fuck I've been thinking about at night.

- I do, uh, peer to peer counseling.

And one of the guys that... he's the youngest guy I was...

And he... a month ago,

he killed himself.

You want to think that like... you can know it's gonna happen.

Right?

You can feel it, you can do something.

- What was his name?

- Timothy.

- You remember how

they used to fire off guns at weddings?

Full auto, 30 round bursts.

Must go through a dozen magazines

every time someone gets married.

- In the beginning when we first got in country,

we'd hear shots off in the distance,

four or five miles away.

And we'd see the tracers flying up through the air.

We would go tearing down the road

in our gun trucks, looking for a fight.

But there was nothing.

No firefight, no insurgents.

Just, just a couple of people getting married.

Of course. After, after a while we figured it out,

we'd hear the gunfire at the certain hour

and look at our watches, figure out

what day of the week it was, nod back and forth and say,

"Yup, just another wedding." Right?

But I don't think we ever really did figure it out.

- What was there to figure out?

- that it was...

just a couple of people getting married.

- Timothy, let me ask you something.

Why do you think they turned down your claim?

- I really don't know.

- Look,

to be approved by the VA for post-traumatic stress.

You got to demonstrate some traumatic experience.

Life-threatening situation, something along those lines.

See what I'm saying? - Yeah.

- When I looked at the VA's decision,

it says you didn't have that kind of experience.

- I told them my story.

They just didn't get it.

- Yeah, well.

That happens.

You think you could tell me your story?

- Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

- Eli, the labels go on lower right?

- Yeah.

- He's gonna come along and move 'em all, anyway...

- All the artwork you see in this gallery

was handmade from American military uniforms.

We take the uniforms, we cut them into small pieces

and we put them... - We were involved in

- Interrogation processes...

- Sure, US put him in there in the first place.

- As a medic they want you to monitor and - and -

- throw acid on LaVena Johnson's genitals

- whether they're able to endure further interrogation

So, at this point, this dude had been in there for three days

- It's been a disaster!

- Johnny was involved in multiple situations

Where they kept calling him back to take care of...

all of these prisoners - Peace is the only--

real war memorial. - interrogation processes that...

included torture.

- Coming back from Iraq, Johnny killed himself.

- They give you a free hall if someone dies.

- A lot of the artists are on the premises now

- All outta wine, I'll go get some.

- Nah, it's cool, I'll get it.

- It is a way to kind of tell their stories,

since they can't.

Thank you for your service!

- You heading out?

- Yeah, I was gonna get some smokes.

Man, I love Eli's piece with the dude with a skeleton hand

and the phone? That shit's bananas.

- Ah yeah, super dope piece.

- Barbed wire?

I'm gonna do something with barbed wire, I got... an idea.

- Thought you quit?

- I did. But.

- I don't know, cigarettes are my friend right now

you know?

Sometimes, you know, "cause it kills you!" is just not

a fucking 'nough, you know?

- Yeah, I try and just think of it

like this giant corporation that could

give a fuck whether I die or live, so...

I don't want to be run by that.

Don't wanna be dependent, fuck that.

- You talk with a kind of a lilty, like, lispy thing.

Where are you from anyway?

- Baton Rouge.

I don't think you mean lisp.

And all those people in there?

It's great that they come out, you know, but...

you can't, like, have the conversation.

You can't really have it.

- No one wants to talk about dying, yeah.

- There's never any context for it, you know,

we don't make space for it, ever. We just...

But then how do you...?

- Well, yeah, I mean, how do you prevent something

that you can't fucking talk about ever, right?

I had, uh, I had a friend from New Orleans once,

he was kind of a drug dealer, but he was, he was a cool guy.

- It's right here.

- I'll wait here.

- Yo, what are you doin'?

I'm okay.

I'm just, this fucking thing just keeps

correcting me all the fucking time.

I'm fine.

I'm good.

- Hey, maybe you should just breathe, you know,

take a breath?

- I'm okay.

I had a flip phone, man.

It like fucking creaked when you opened it,

it went

and it worked fine.

It fucking was fine. It never told me what to do.

You know?

Are we gonna stand here... and breathe?

And you're gonna tell me that I'm not a bad person

and that I deserve to be okay.

Right?

- You're not a bad person.

- How do you know?

- Look, let me bring these in and I'll like... come back down.

Okay?

- Ya know I don't really know what you're doing over there

at that uh - that paper thing.

But I was trying to tell Mom about it?

I don't know how she's gonna be.

I told her that you wanted to see her,

but she still got that pain in her back.

And I don't know, it's a...

Hey, how's that, uh, phone working out?

- Cha cha cha.

- What?

- I've got Izze outside, she wants to say hi,

you know, she came over, she's doing better--

- What's different, with her? What's different?

- It's a good thing.

You know, she she's got her whole life sorta worked out

Vets, military-- - Ugh, God!

- No, no it's good.

No, it's it's a good thing, it's good.

Let her dedicate herself.

She came all the way out here.

Do it for me please. Would you just go talk to her?

I dragged her all the way out here.

I'm - I'm too busy today... you're enough, believe me...

You're enough, you fill my heart, it's all I need ok...

She's standin out there, just...

- Sorry, kiddo she doesn't want to see you right now.

Next time, okay?

- Well we have to create, in essence,

walled communities, where we nurture and protect

those values, that the wider society

are attempting to destroy.

As much as possible we have to create parallel institutions

to sustain ourselves and empower ourselves.

And all of that will be done locally.

Because when collapse comes,

we'll have to take care of ourselves.

That's why, you know, food, local food markets,

sustainable agriculture, sustainable energy.

You know, all of this becomes, in moments of distress,

these become political acts.

- How you doing with this?

You doing all right?

You wanna hand with this?

Gimme a sleeve, I'll help you out.

- Yeah, pass me some, too.

- What's the story with this uniform?

What was the last time you wore it?

- It was checkpoint.

in Youssoufia.

I was out there so fucking long, I don't even know.

Days, nights, weeks,

just out there in the heat,

staring down a highway.

A hundred hours of heat goes by with nothing.

And then a car comes out of nowhere.

our CO told us there's only one way to tell,

the good guys from the bad guys.

The bad guys don't stop.

We'd fire, and we'd walk up to the vehicle,

and almost every single time,

there was nothing, there were no explosives.

There were no weapons.

And we kept trying to figure it out

what the fuck was going on?

Why don't they fucking stop?

- I know in our AO, we covered everything

between Ramadi and Fallujah,

almost to Abu Ghraib, we were over there

when the photos got leaked,

all of a sudden word's out on the street,

every Iraqi knows that we're torturing the shit out of them.

I don't blame them for not stopping at the checkpoint.

They thought that we might arrest them

and send them to Abu Ghraib too.

- We never never get the story from the Iraqi's perspective.

- Some foreign military was on my street?

You know how that would go, here in the US.

- Red Dawn in every town.

- Guilt and shame...

are pretty fucking heavy to carry with you.

World War II vets didn't come back and kill themselves

in these kinds of numbers, right?

They had a clear mission.

They knew who they were fighting.

They believed in their purpose.

It didn't take me very long to realize

that there was nothing there for me to believe in.

In this bullshit war, who's proud?

I'm proud I survived.

- Yeah, proud of doing this.

Take a lot of pride in how many uniforms I've cut up.

Wonder what kind of uniforms will be cutting up in 10 years?

You know, what color are those going to be?

- Spacesuits.

- Spacesuits .

- Spaceforce!

Tinfoil and goddamn nylon.

- You guys are startin to sound like a couple of Commies over here

I don't give a fuck, I'll say it

- We'll be up there fighting space ISIS, in orbit!

- Space ISIS, there you go.

- Coming home from a war that you don't feel

morally justified being a part of...

is not easy to live with.

Especially if you drank the Kool-Aid all along... then have

to wake up to that one day and realize that instead of

being one of the Jedi, we were the Storm Troopers.

- Find out that my bags are lost on the airline

and all I got's my Black Sabbath t-shirt.

So next morning I show up to formation.

Sergeant comes out and he goes,

"What the fuck are you doing?"

I don't have my uniforms.

He said, all right Ozzy, just get down

and start pushing.

- Ozzy...

- Moment of truth.

- Hey, have you guys seen Will in the past couple weeks?

Nah, not really.

It's been a while.

- Think he went upstate?

To his dad's place?

- Yeah, probably hiding out in the bunker for a little bit.

- I could use some time chilling in the bunker,

out of the city.

- It's a nice spot, too.

- You been up there yet?

- No, it's near where my parents are from though.

I know the town.

- Will, what's up?

It's Nate.

I don't know if you got my last message, but...

just calling to see how you're doing.

It's been busy, we made a hell of a mess.

So maybe it's good you're gone, but I don't know.

Calling to see how you're doing.

Yeah, man. Hope you're well.

Hit us up,. Peace.

- Get out of the way!

- Yo.

- Get out of the way!

- Hey kiddo!

What you doing out this late, huh?

Whoa, whoa!

Hey look, I got her, Nick

I got the Marine

C'mon, try and get out.

Come on.

Is that the best you got?

I'm barely even holding on.

Come on soldier!

Come on.

Why you go so easy on me?

Yo, we're heading to Claude's if you wanna come.

No?

All right.

- Buddy, move back.

- Hey.

I am... sorry.

I'm sorry.

- You okay?

- Me?

I'm, yeah, are you okay?

I almost got fucking sideswiped by this pickup truck

coming up here.

Fucking Confederate flag hanging.

What's that even mean up here?

Upstate New York, fucking dodo.

Right?

- Why didn't you like call me, or...?

- I just, I just needed to get the hell out of the city and,

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Who has a Confederate flag up here, man?

What does that mean except "I am a racist"

"I am a racist" right?

Look...

Look uh... I got something for you.

On the bus coming here all frustrated

I wrote some shit down... on the back of this thing here.

Should I read it?

- Yeah, sure.

Read it.

- Uh...

- We don't want to fuck.

We don't want to love.

We don't want to feel anything.

We just want to know what it feels like.

We're like those chickens with their heads blown off.

We know...

Whatever, it keeps going.

It's like a poem.

I was using the royal we.

I can just go.

This is fucking nuts, I'm a fucking nut.

- No, no, hey!

It's okay.

Hey.

It's okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

- Does this make me like a psycho or something?

- So what was up with those chickens?

- I was voluntold.

This is where you live?

I don't have to come in.

I just wanted to see... that you're okay.

- How do I seem?

- Which one of those clowns gave you my address?

- Everyone's Google-able.

They said Danby, so I just...

- It's furniture.

You hungry or thirsty?

- I got my walnuts.

I always carrying walnuts and almonds

in case there's ever a total fucking crisis.

I'm good.

- Okay.

Well I'm having something.

I got this tea someone gave me, supposed to be dope.

Calming type shit.

Valerian root and Tulsi.

- I made all these fucking notes... for being here.

This looks kinda like a Granny place.

- Yeah, I guess.

My, uh--

pops found this place in the seventies

and then my mama got it in the divorce. Then my Auntie,

She was here for a while, but she just moved out.

It's paid for, taxes aren't bad, so we're keeping it.

- The quiet is hurting my ears.

- Tulsi...

Tastes like dirt.

- Those your notes?

- These are directions to you.

Fuck GPS, I don't depend on that shit.

- So this is where you were

This is where you walked

And this is where we are?

- Yeah.

All right, well you can help me build this bed frame.

I was pretty fucking hammered when I sawed most

of that shit up, so there's a good chance it'll be just a bunch

of random ass fucking pieces,

and I be sleeping on the floor again.

- Let's build a shed by mistake.

I could live in a shed if I had to,

I could survive in small spaces.

- With your walnuts?

Here, wanna play some music?

There's a hookup right over there.

- Cool, give you that thing.

♪ This is how it feels to be alone ♪

♪ This is all that we can call our own ♪

- Can you hand me that hammer?

♪ Dust, flesh and bone ♪

You making plans for this thing?

- No, that's just something my dad... before he split,

he was always saying - "check if something's a piece of shit

or not, feel the weight of it"

Cause if it ain't got weight,

...it's worthless.

- Uh, sorry, this shit is putting me to sleep.

And I don't sleep either.

- Will...?

- Yeah?

- Nothing.

- it's awesome you have a place to hide out.

Like anything could happen here, right?

- Wish I could fucking sleep.

I don't even know what month it is.

I'm okay.

- You don't have to be.

- You want me to sleep here?

- I would love it if you slept here.

- Stay

- I just wanted to see what was going on out here, man.

- You want some breakfast before you go?

- Yeah, I was gonna go -- buy a bunch of food

and I didn't wanna just take your truck.

I mean, you might wonder what the hell, right?

And then I didn't know where to fucking go, because of my phone.

It's good,

you know?

You're a good egg.

- Yeah, so are you.

- Good egg.

Sleep is so fucking important!

I gotta write that down.

Hey, I just didn't want you thinking

I came up here for some sketchy reasons.

I just wanted to see... that you're okay.

So that's why I'm...

- It's okay.

It's okay that you're here.

- Okay.

Alright.

Okay. - Okay.

Cool. - Cool.

Okay.

- Good.

All right.

I can do better.

- Yeah that was the one.

Okay.

Ow!

All right, I know what we gotta do.

- FUCK!!!

- That a fuckin horse? What is that?

Fuckin demons everywhere.

There's this homeless couple on my block... I always see them,

just sitting there.

I just want to sit down, I just want to do nothing.

I'm wanna tell them: I know, I get it,

I'm there! When you can't - move - one - more...

But I can't tell 'em.

My throat doesn't work.

Someone...

someone said to me,

just make sounds,

just to keep on making sounds.

There's so much and I can't say it.

I have threshold, man.

I have a threshold.

That's all I'm saying.

- What's your threshold?

Timothy,

Last time we talked together,

told me about this woman in a hardware store...

apron... selling him something,

who...

thanked him for his service.

How he doesn't blame her, but... he's so fucking confused.

Are you thanking me for killing people in Sadr City

who were just - driving down the road?

Or how about for ripping a man in Samarra away

from his family?

humiliating him, detaining him,

starving him, torturing him,

thousands and thousands of him?

Are you thanking me for blowing up a school

or for blowing up a hospital?

Are you thanking me for slaughtering a family in Mahmudiya?

Maybe you're thanking me for collateral murder.

For SOP 360 rotational fire on an entire village

in response to an IED.

Or you feel some gratitude

that we protected the interests of Exxon - and laid down

our lives for Halliburton or quadrupled profits for Raytheon.

Could you be thanking me for Abu Ghraib ?

or just for taking the pictures?

No... you're thanking me for the kill count.

200,000 dead civilians.

Or is it "thank you for the drone strikes"

that destroyed Mosul, Ramadi, Aleppo, Baghdad, Rakka...

Thank you for MST?

For burn pits?

Maybe I should thank you for standing by while it was all happening.

I mean, I know you're not thanking me for being a hero.

I was a pawn.

Anyway.

That's what I would've said.

I would never say all that.

That's what his death said.

A final fuck you.

All of them, just sitting there.

They don't even know they're watching him die.

It's just the proportions are off, you know?

Like why am I carrying all this shit?

You'll never see a recruiter in the Upper West Side.

Fuck it.

Three cheers for the American dream.

The whole goddamn world's nightmare, but...

our dream.

- What?

What the fuck man?

- Nothing, I'm just fucking with you.

I just wanted to do one of those war movie moments,

you know, where the veterans like, oh fuck,

I'm going back there, and then he like freaks the fuck out.

Some dude army crawling at his kid's birthday

when a balloon pops.

Incoming!

- I hate those fucking movies.

- Yep.

Fuck American Sniper.

Fuck Hurt Locker.

Fuck Zero Dark Thirty.

Especially fuck Saving Private Ryan.

Fuckin ra ra military bullshit.

Good War bullshit.

Like there can be a good one.

Fuck that.

Yo check this out.

This is the outer material for a sleeping bag.

Doesn't have any date on it, but I think it's like - Fifties?

maybe even Forties?

It was the rain cover.

Keeps everything out.

This would make some awesome paper, but...

It's also pretty fucking awesome as it is, right?

I don't know what to do with it.

What's up?

We gonna have a staring contest?

What is it?

- Sorry, I'm sorry I can't-- fucking talk--

- Stop saying you're fucking sorry, Jesus!

Come on, what is it?

Just... talk.

- You're not mad?

- Does it look like a mad at you?

- You're all here and then you disappear,

you just left me there, man!

- I left because of my own shit.

- I know.

- I don't know what I told you about him...

- Yeah, you... you told me.

- Okay.

I don't always remember.

- You know what you're doing, man.

You know how to be with people.

You know how to be alone.

You have it, I mean, I want to know how you--

You make it look easy, man, just being here!

- Nothing about this is easy, okay.

I don't know what you're seeing.

I don't have this down

to some kind of fucking science.

All right, I'm making it up as I go.

I'm just trying everything I can think of from one moment to

the next that doesn't hurt anyone or hurt myself or,

land me in some fucking abyss where I just hate myself

to fucking death, so.

- You know how to live.

- No. I really don't.

- That's what I'm doing, man.

I keep-- It's like sick, it's like,

I keep trying to fucking find someone and grab them and be like,

okay, show me how to fucking live!

Okay.

I'm catching on, all right.

This body, this being - mine.

Responsibility, mine!

Right?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Fuck.

I wanna tear my fucking skin off, man!

I fucking hate myself so much.

Fucking die, I hate you, fucking die.

- I'm here.

- I feel a lot for you.

- That's okay, isn't it?

- I don't know.

- What?

- Maybe I came here to hurt you.

- Everything hurts me.

There's nothing you can do about it.

I don't want to be bitter.

I don't want to live that way.

That's what you know how to do.

- I could barely walk across those things with my boots on.

- Do you ever take those boots off?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I take a shower sometimes.

- Yeah right.

- Once a week at least.

- That's very attractive, that's dope.

- I'm going to triple these up.

These are gonna be strong motherfuckers.

All right?

- I mean, I think double is fine, but you know,

do you.

- You're just putting the - the birthday?

You're not putting the...?

- Nah.

- It's cool.

- This is--

You know...

Remember life.

- Woods are like outer space to me, man.

- Should I read it?

- Yeah.

- Marine cammies will be your flesh, will be your pride.

My DI told me.

Too baggy, too long, don't matter.

You'll fill them, you'll blend in.

Learn to kill silently.

Learn to kill screaming.

Learn to take more and more and more.

Remove your uniform.

It's been lying.

Remove it, cut it to pieces.

It's a lie, your performance, your pride.

What tells me to kill, who tells me to kill.

Hear the whispers grow to shouting,

shouting from inside, from that place begging no more,

shouting no more, screaming no more.

Shout what you already know, what your new tribe

has come to know.

The world you once loved has brought you to this place.

The world you once loved never was, never will be.

- Do you need something?

- Just tell your brother to come over.

- I have to call Herbert again about the sink.

Every fucking day with this guy.

At least your brother dropped that what's her name, huh?

Did he?

You would know.

He's stealing my Tramadol.

Either that or I'm going fucking nuts.

the right to keep and bear a gun...

You have no idea what it's like....

Oh, that's your father, always saying

"you have no idea what it's like

You have no idea what it's like"

You wouldn't remember.

You were too young.

I have an idea of what it's like.

we used to have the ten commandments posted in our school rooms...

our students would see what God almighty has said, thou shalt not murder...

You see this?

You see this on my skin?

I can't stop taking this shit.

- Look at me.

- You have no idea...

- The people I work with...

they think I'm contagious.

And that nigger downstairs keeps staring at me.

He's nice.

He smiles.

But why is he standing there?

There's other places.

I didn't sleep again last night.

- Just--

Just tell your brother to come over!

I bought a stool last summer... for my birthday

and uh...

I bought a notebook, also...

And I bought a round trip bus ticket to the Port Authority bus terminal.

I walked to the Veterans Administration hospital.

The disability I was claiming

was post traumatic stress disorder.

I was interviewed by a Veterans Administration psychiatrist.

"Do you know that most Vietnam veterans with your diagnosis

killed themselves a long time ago?"

At that time, 1970, 71... I was experiencing brutal nightmares

every night,

night after night, week after week,

I would wake up screaming,

fighting demons and ghosts.

And that psychiatrist told me

it was only going to get worse.

At that time... I was having terrible depressions.

In hindsight, I would say... I was close to being catatonic.

It took everything I had, to put my feet over the edge

of the bed in the morning and to stand up like a man.

And that psychiatrist told me

it was only going to get worse. Never better.

One of the first lessons I had to learn as a medic

was that in order to treat the wound,

first we have to expose it.

That body armer that used to protect you,

that camouflage that was supposed to hide you.

Now it's just getting in the way.

- At that time...

the single biggest thing in my mind was suicide.

It was not where, it was not how,

it was only when.

Tonight. Tomorrow.

Just when.

I could not cross a railroad track

without thinking of stopping

and putting my head on the rail.

I could not cross a high bridge

I probably spent 1000 hours on the George Washington bridge,

pacing back and forth.

And that psychiatrist told me it was only going to get worse,

never better.

So now. About 44 years later.

About 44 years later.

Another psychiatrist tells me

do you know that most Vietnam veterans with your diagnosis

killed themselves a long time ago?

As I thought of him, a little poem came to my mind.

You called me monster.

You cornered me and trapped me.

You forced me to chew my leg off... and to hobble

from one suicidal day to the next.

It don't mean nothing.

...that's great, you wanna bring the troops home...

that's the campaign you're runnin on?

Cool, we got a plan to help you with that,

because we're the troops who've been there, and done that....

- And the cops, you know, it's the middle of summer,

the cops are in full battle rattle,

much fancier gear than we had, in Iraq.

And they were hot as shit.

You could tell they were miserable,

sweating.

And so we were talking directly to the cops - tellin 'em, look

we know what y'all are dealing with.

We been out there in the heat and all this gear too,

it sucks, doesn't it?

You should just go home, cause... you don't really need to be here

doing this shit with us.

Anyway, a couple of them ended up walking off the line.

And... whole front rank of vets,

all in dress uniform, carrying flags.

They stepped off and said, I'm not going to like,

I'm not going to go beat a bunch of fucking veterans carrying flags.

They weren't going to do it.

We kept telling them... we're going to advance, we're going to advance.

And we kept advancing slowly.

Yeah, but we kept saying we're unarmed

and we're here to make a statement.

Hundreds of us there.

So after the long standoff,

they did end up letting two of them in.

And they presented it and his military affairs guy was like

Hey, this is a solid plan.

We want to talk to you guys further about this.

Let's implement this into our policy.

So. We thought everything's good, the cops called it off.

Everybody was cheering, hugging.

And then we packed up and went to the RNC

to try to do the same thing, not nearly as successful there.

And you know the rest of the story from there, you know?

Obama gets elected

the left goes to sleep

the war continues on

and here we are.

- ...go up on the left just a touch...?