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[feedback humming]

[cheers and applause]

- Chicago, make some noise not now, but right now,

for the hardest-working comedian I know.

Give it up for my little brother,

Preacher Lawson!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!

Hi.

Get out of here.

[chuckles]

all: Preacher! Preacher! - Oh, stop that!

Okay, okay! All right, get out of here.

Stop. All right, all right.

Look, get out of here.

I'm so glad to be here in Chicago.

[cheers and applause]

Yes. Yes.

In--in not the wintertime.

Wow, bro, I don't like that at all.

I was--last time I was here, I was like--

I think it was like February or something like that,

and it was way too cold, man.

And I hate telling people from Chicago it's cold.

They're like, no, it's not.

It was cold, like, a month ago.

It's cold now, okay?

I can see my breath. I win.

As soon as I got off the plane,

my whole body got ashy immediately.

That's not supposed to happen.

You ain't supposed to change races as soon as you...

Uh, I was on a--I was on a show called "America's Got Talent."

I was on there... [cheers and applause]

All right, cool. You've seen it?

Okay, yeah.

I was on "Champions."

I was on, uh, season 12. That's why--

who's seen me on season 12, though?

Who's seen me on season--

okay, okay.

Who voted for me, though? Who voted for--what?

Yeah! All right!

Not enough. [yells]

[laughter]

- I'm so sorry!

[laughter continuing]

- 'Cause I lost to a 12-year-old ventriloquist,

y'all.

She didn't open her mouth the whole time!

You will never know what it feels like

to lose $1 million to somebody that still has chores.

You'll never know that feeling.

She believe in cooties. She got money now.

People ask me still. You still talk to Darcy?

Bro, she's 14 now. No, I'm not talking--

What am I going-- Hey, Darcy, how was school?

Like, I'm not talking to a...

I'm a grown man.

And she beat me, so I hate her.

Why would I communicate

with someone I hate, man?

Don't hate Darcy. She's an angel.

She is. So was the devil, okay?

Now...

and listen, this is my thing.

I don't even care that I--

I didn't lose for real.

I don't-- I don't think you can--

I don't think you can lose on that show.

I mean, that--I did not lose.

Y'all know who I am, so that's cool right there.

You know what I mean? I think that's great.

Yeah, man.

I did win.

I won 'cause y'all know me.

I was homeless 2 1/2 years ago, far from that now.

I got money now.

I got way more friends and family members than I remember.

You know, I got--on the show, Tyra Banks licked my face.

I think I'm doing okay.

That's right. That's right.

I still haven't showered on this side and I never will.

She licked my face, y'all.

I licked her hand first, right?

She was interviewing me,

and I was like, "I can't believe it's you, Tyra Banks."

And she was like, "Yeah, it's me,"

and she puts her hand down.

She was like, "You can pinch my hand to see if I'm real.

Matter of fact, you can kiss it."

And I was like, "Kiss it?" [blows raspberry]

[yells]

'Cause I don't know when I'ma get

this opportunity again, right?

So I was like, "This is my chance."

She started laughing. I was like, "Thank you, Jesus.

I'm not going to jail."

[laughs]

"You laughed. That's consent."

And so before I went onstage, right,

she was interviewing me.

She was like-- she was interviewing.

She like, "You ready to do this?"

I'm like, "I'm ready to do this."

She was like, "Go get 'em, tiger."

[vocalizes] I was like, "Ha,

funny you call me a tiger, 'cause I'm feeling great!"

Like the cereal.

And I was walking offstage,

and you know how the judges--

they start to ask you all these random questions.

Like, hey, Preacher, what's your favorite color?

You got--you got a girlfriend?

And at the time, I had a girlfriend,

so I was like, yeah, man, she cool.

I do my performance, I get offstage,

Tyra Banks waiting for me.

She mad, right?

She was like, "Why would you let me lick your face

"on national television, Preacher?

And you got a girlfriend."

And I replied, "I let you lick my face, Tyra,

'cause you're Tyra!"

Why would I not let Tyra Banks lick my face?

If my girl had a chance for Drake to lick her face,

and she turned him down, I'm dumping her,

'cause I don't want to date anybody that stupid.

Are you serious?

Crazy! That's right!

I'm not even gay.

If I had a chance for Drake to lick my face,

I am dressing up like an ice cream cone!

You don't understand, okay?

He about to get all of this.

That sounds weird,

but y'all get what I'm saying, right?

I feel like there's certain opportunities

you just don't want to pass up.

You know what I mean? So...

But, uh, yeah, man, I love that show.

I love it, man. I love being recognized.

The first time I ever got recognized three years ago,

walk into Walgreens, there was, like, five people.

They were like, "Yo, Preacher!

"What's up, man? How you doing?

When you clock in?" 'Cause I worked there.

But listen, not-- not much longer.

You know what I mean? It's going great.

You know, I went into Walmart one time,

I got recognized, it was so cool, man.

There was a kid in line, and he recognized me.

I was getting cash back. All I needed was cash back.

And he was like, "Oh, my gosh. Are you Preacher Lawson?"

I was like, "Yeah, that's me."

He was like, "Yeah, you're that guy who lost to Darcy."

And I'm...

I'm like, "You could've stopped ahead of that.

"You didn't have to add that last part.

But yeah, that's me."

You know, he's like, "Can I get a picture?"

I was like, "For sure you can get a picture, man."

Took a picture with him. He was so hype.

He was like, "Thank you so much, Mr. Sir."

And I was like, "I don't even need anything.

I just need cash back."

So I was like, why not get him something?

So I was like, "Hey, man,

you want some, like, candy or something?"

And he was like, "Yeah," 'cause he's, like, I'm a kid.

Like, of course kids-- no kid is actually like,

"Uh, actually, I'm doing keto right now and I can't do that.

No bread or sugar!"

Like they're not gonna do that, right?

So I was like, "You want some candy?"

He was like, "Yeah, I want some candy."

Then I asked the mom for permission to buy him candy

'cause you can't just go up to a kid,

"Hey, little buddy, how you doing?

You want some candy?"

♪ Come on, buddy!

You know, it's just weird,

and I didn't want to hurt nobody.

So I was like, "Hey, mom,

is it okay if I get your son some candy?"

She gave me an attitude.

She like, "Is it before 7:00?"

I was like, "What is he, a gremlin?

"I don't know what that means.

Can he have some candy or not?"

And she was like, "He can have some candy."

And I was like, "All right, but she said some, she meant one.

You can have one piece of candy, bruh."

And he was like, "Thank you so much."

So he takes a Snickers

and he puts it on the conveyor belt.

I turn around 'cause I'm about to pay for it, right?

Feeling good about myself.

And I'm like, you know, about to hook this kid up

with some candy, you know what I mean?

I feel like a good person right now.

And then I hear a light thud, right?

And I was like, "What--what was that?"

And I turned back around, guess what I see?

Two Snickers on the conveyor belt.

And I'm like, you know, "Hey, little stupid kid,

"you know, I-I just told you

"you can have one piece of candy.

You put two on there."

He's like, "No, I didn't."

I was like, "Who did then, huh?

"Was--was it the Snicker monster?

It was you, man. Quit playing with me."

What is wrong with kids stealing these days, huh?

First they take a million dollars, now...

They're trying to take a Snickers from me.

I said, "Put it back."

He's like, "It wasn't me."

And the mom was like, "Calm down. It wasn't him.

It was me."

And I was like, "My bad." [chuckles]

"Then pick it up."

"You wanna pick that up real quick?"

And then she goes,

"I thought you said you were gonna pay for it."

And I was like, "I agreed to pay for one."

She was like, "That's just two."

I was like, "You know what two is?

"Not one, okay?

So you--that's you right there, you know?"

Then she like, "Just do it."

I was like, "Just do nothing.

No, I don't owe you any candy, right?"

Then she tries to seduce me

after she was already rude to me, right?

She tries seducing-- she was like, "Hey, well,

"You know, well, maybe if you buy the candy,

maybe I'll give you my number."

[audience cheers]

And I-I was like, "What do you mean by maybe, though?"

You know, she was like-- she was like,

"I'll think about it."

I was like, "If I'm being totally honest, right?

You ain't even two Snickers fine, okay?"

Like... [audience groans]

She wasn't.

She--she weren't-- she could've gotten away

with black licorice, cough drops,

that cinnamon fire candy nobody like.

But she ain't two Snickers fine; like, she--

she look like me, you understand?

Not--I don't--I don't think I'm the most attractive woman.

Like she looked like she was almost fine.

Like she was going through a sex machine,

and halfway through, it just stopped working.

Like, she looked like if you throw Beyoncé in the microwave

and press popcorn twice, that's what she looked like.

I got one more.

So she looked like if-- if God was like,

"I'ma make the most perfect human being ever!"

And then Jesus interrupted God and was like,

"Daddy!"

And he's like, "What you need?"

[cheers and applause]

"Jesus, Jesus! You made me drop another one."

Yeah, man, it's cool, man.

I love--I love traveling and doing comedy.

I think it's so cool. I think it's a lot of fun.

I get to be in Chicago, you know what I mean?

Yeah. [cheers and applause]

Bipolar weather.

[chuckles] I got to be in Phoenix.

Phoenix is too hot for life.

Have y'all been to Phoenix?

Why is it that hot?

If I lived in Phoenix,

I would try to go to hell just to cool off.

Like, that's how hot...

Man, I went there. I was so arrogant.

I was like, "I don't care how hot it is.

I don't even get sunburns,"

and then Phoenix was like, "Challenge accepted."

It is so hot.

I was white three weeks ago, you understand?

I was like, "Why do I keep getting pulled over?"

You know, it's so weird now.

You know, so, all of a sudden, it started happening.

And I did a show in St. Augustine, Florida.

That was cool, man, St. Augustine, Florida,

is the oldest city in America.

A lot of people don't know that for some reason.

It's the oldest city in America.

Another fun fact about St. Augustine

is the people that first lived there still do.

So many old people! Oh, my gosh!

That's like heaven's waiting room.

You know, everyone there is old.

Yeah, man, it's also where they grow white people.

There is no black people there at all.

We're like unicorns.

My shadow ain't even black in St. Augustine, Florida.

There's three black people there.

That's not even true. There's two, 'cause I left.

There's two black people, and they are ancient.

Like, when I was performing there,

there was one black lady in the front row.

She was super old.

Looked like the last survivor

of Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad, right?

And she didn't even laugh at me.

She was just looking at me mad the whole time.

Like, why are you mad, ma'am?

You should be happy. You're free now!

You know what I mean? I mean, it's all good.

You know?

You can laugh at that, white people.

I can say that, okay?

My best friend black, okay?

I'm good, I got a black cousin, so...

I'm saying she was old, she was like 90.

She had braces on. I was like, "For what?"

Like... little too late now.

Like who--who you trying to look sexy for, Jesus?

'Cause that's who you about to meet, okay?

Like, who wear braces on fake teeth?

You don't think that's weird that someone...

just order dentures with gaps in it or something?

That's weird.

Whatever. Just saying she was old.

I don't know if she was, like, 90 for real.

I don't know.

I don't like guessing women's ages 'cause I'm a genius.

I'm not stupid. It's a trap, ain't it?

I don't--yeah.

You don't guess a woman's age, especially someone younger.

They flip out.

You can be close to the age, they still flip out.

"What are you like--what are you like, 25 or something?"

"Twenty-five?

"Are you serious? Do I really look that old?

Twenty-five? I'm 24!"

Like, "Shut up. I was close enough."

Older women, as long as you're within the same century,

they're fine, like, they don't even care anymore.

You be like, "After the moon landing?"

"You such a gentleman! Oh, my gosh!

So..." [vocalizing]

Way happier, you know what I mean?

Right?

And dudes, we try to act like we don't care, right?

But we care. I know I care.

I know I'm getting older, right?

I know I'm getting older, 'cause when I was younger,

people used to tell me all the time,

"Don't worry about it, Preacher.

You got your whole life ahead of you."

You know what they tell me now?

"You still got time." That's what they tell me.

I guessed this one dude's age.

This is how I know men care about your ages being guessed,

because I went to the bathroom and I guessed this dude's--

okay, well, let me explain, that--that didn't...

I'm not just kicking down doors.

"How old are you?" No, I'm not doing that, right?

I was--what happened was, I went to use the restroom

'cause I drank a coffee that--

you know, earlier that day.

I don't know if y'all drink coffee,

but I don't normally drink coffee,

and when I do, I feel great.

I'm like, "Man, I'm so energized

"and I feel alert, and I just--

why don't I drink more coffee?"

And then my booty's like, "This is why!"

And then it snuck up on me.

When I went to the bathroom, I was like--

you know what I mean, you ever do--

like, you gotta salsa on your way?

Like I gotta go to the bathroom, right?

I went to the bathroom,

and it was weird, because I went into the--

you ever go to a public restroom,

and you knock on the stall

to see if someone's in there, right?

I knocked on the stall.

The guy inside said, "It's open."

I don't know what he expected me to do.

"Scoot on over!" Like it was weird, right?

So I went to the next stall, right?

And, uh, I went to the next--

you ever go to, like, use the bathroom

and you think you only gotta pee,

and then you get there, your body's like,

"Nah, son, we got more work to do!"

and I destroyed that bathroom.

I couldn't breathe for 11 seconds.

I lost brain cells.

I was like, "Why is my arm in the toilet?"

It was so big.

Anyway, so, when I got there,

it was an automatic toilet, right?

I hate automatic toilets. I hate automatic anything.

I hate automatic toilets, I hate automatic lights.

It's stupid.

Why do y'all have automatic lights in the bathroom?

That don't make any sense.

You ever be in the bathroom, getting your groove on,

and the lights just shut off?

You're like, "Oh, snap! I can't see!"

You're over there throwing toilet paper

to get the sensor to go off.

It is so annoying.

And the stupid automatic toilet.

People like 'em.

"Oh, they flush automatically. Oh, cool!"

You don't know when, okay? All right?

It's like Russian roulette for your booty.

I don't like that, right?

So I'm--and then, you ever--

you ever have a good automatic toilet?

You're like, "Man, I finally got a good one.

I can move a little bit. Adjust, get a better squeeze."

And then the toilet's like, "Oh, snap!

Are you getting up from the toilet?"

Splash!

This is a bidet at this point.

You know what I mean?

So annoying.

So I use the bathroom, and I'm walking out.

I'm walking out to wash my hands

'cause I'm not a nasty, right?

Actually it's 'cause someone else was in the bathroom.

'Cause if I was by myself... [chuckles]

[singing]

Yo, you ever used the bathroom and you're about to leave,

someone walks in, and you're like,

"I've gotta wash my hands now,

so they don't know the truth."

Yeah, I'm just playing. I always wash my hands.

Anyway, so I'm--I'm walking out to wash my hands,

and then the--the dude in the other stall--

he just kind of slides out the bathroom, right?

I'm like, "What is this dude doing?"

So I greet him, I was like, "Hey, man, how are you?"

Grown man, he goes, "I'm doing great.

It's my birthday."

[audience cheers]

I was like, "That was weird, but happy birthday, sir.

How old are you?" He's still grown at this point.

He goes, "Guess how old I am."

I'm, like, waiting on backup dancers

to pop out of the other stalls at this point.

♪ Guess how old he is

I was like, "I'll guess how old you are.

I'm not dumb. I'm not dumb, all right?"

If someone looks like they're over 50, guess what I--

this is-- this is a tight jacket.

All right, so anyway...

all right, anyway, so he was like, "Guess how old I am?"

I'm not dumb.

If you look like you're over 50, guess what I do?

I guess ten years younger to make you feel good.

I don't guess five, I guess ten years younger.

I lie.

He looked like he was around 50.

So I was like, "How old are you, sir?

Well, I don't know, 40 or something?"

Then he was like, "How'd you know?"

And I was like, "Damn!" [groans]

Like, what do you eat? Cigarettes?

Like, why do you look like that?

He looked so-- "How many kids do you have?"

He was like, "11."

And I was like, "That's why you look like that."

If you ever see anybody with a bunch of kids

but they look amazing,

it's 'cause they don't take care of their kids, okay?

They are not stressing out.

Like my dad probably look the same age as me,

'cause I never met him, so he probably looks like 28.

That's weird that you clapped for that, bruh.

That was kind of weird that you--

"His daddy gone!"

That's not something you clap for.

Look, man, I don't care. Some of y'all grow up with--

some people grow up with two sucky parents, right?

I grew up with one amazing mom, so I feel blessed, man.

I feel blessed. [cheers and applause]

Yeah.

Is she crazy? A little bit.

But you're gonna be crazy raising four kids.

Like, I used to hate my dad growing up.

I'm like, "When I see him, I'ma punch him in his face.

I hate him. Can't believe he left."

Then after a while, I was like, "I get it."

I got why he left.

I'm not even mad he left now.

You know, I'm mad he didn't take me with him.

I'm like, "You knew?

What kind of father just leaves his son?"

No, I'm joking. My mom's great.

My mom is great.

My mom raised four kids on her own.

Uh, four kids and-- three boys and one girl,

and the one girl is disabled.

She got cerebral palsy.

So that was a struggle in itself because, like,

you know, she learns differently.

She has one leg longer than the other,

so she limps when she walks.

So, you know, you know kids-- kids aren't mean,

but they just say whatever that comes to their head, right?

They just be like, "Why you walk like that?

What's wrong with your leg? You a pimp?"

They just say whatever.

And you-- and you can't just hit a kid.

Excuse me, you can't get caught hitting a kid.

You know, you gotta-- you gotta put it into a game.

Let's play tag. You it!

You know, do what you do.

You know?

You gotta get creative. [chuckles]

Yeah, man, my mom.

My mom was strict growing up.

She was super strict.

We couldn't watch Batman growing up.

We couldn't--Halloween was the devil's birthday, right?

Couldn't have squirt guns.

She like, "Squirt guns are too much like guns."

I'm like, "I don't think you ever had a gun before, Mom."

Like, no one-- no one's gonna rob you

with a Super Soaker like, "Give me all the money, woman,

or your makeup is gone!"

Like, that's not a thing. That's stupid.

[chuckles]

She used to wash our mouth out with soap

for saying cuss words in the house.

With s--I'm not talking about this gel soap you can just rub.

I'm talking about-- [vocalizing]

That--you know what I mean?

The one you can't breathe with,

for saying cuss words in the house.

You know, cuss words like "shut up," "dang it," "stupid."

You know, not cuss words.

Let me say a real cuss word.

Boy, I wish I would say a real cuss word, all right?

I-I would not. That's an automatic beatdown.

You don't even got to be related to my mom

to get whooped for cussing in her house.

My best friend growing up,

his name was Red, like the color.

His name used to be Fred, he cussed in front of my mom,

she beat the F out of him.

And then...

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

I like how y'all just applauded child abuse,

but whatever. [laughs]

You were like, "Beat them kids!"

All right, that's cool.

My mom is great, man.

Mommy, she would--she would never flip out on us, though.

She would never flip out on us--in public.

You know, my mom would not flip.

Some--some parents just lose it on their kids.

My mom--if I was acting up in public,

she would just hug me, that's all she would do.

She'd be like, "You just need some loving.

"That's all you need.

"He just needs some loving. Get you some love, boy.

"Come here. Come on!

"You just--come on. Come here. Come here.

"You wanna die, little boy?

"I will kill you if you keep on acting up.

"I love you. All right, you done crying?

"You're all done. All right.

Sometime he need a hug. That's all he..."

My mom did some silly stuff.

One time for my birthday,

she bought me a race car bed, right?

When I was in high school, so...

I was like, "It's not the kind of car I wanted, Mom."

She got me a--a race car bed in high school.

[chuckles]

That's my mom right there, by the way.

So like... [cheers and applause]

Am I lying?

[chuckles] Thank you.

All right, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Did you not get me a race car bed in high school?

- It wasn't high school! - It was high school!

What are you talking about?

She did get me a race car bedin high school!

It was 100% high school.

Yeah, she thought it was a good idea too.

She was like, "What do you want for your birthday?"

I was like, "I don't even care, Mom.

Surprise me." Then she was like, "Surprise!"

And I was like, "Oh, snap!

This is stupid!"

You got me a race car bed in high school.

Who the heck buys a 21-year-old a race car bed?

Who does that, man?

Nah, I couldn't even--

I couldn't even bring my friends over.

They make fun of me.

"Hey, Preacher, how fast can you go to sleep?"

I'm like, "Shut up, bruh."

Corny.

So annoying, man.

I peed in that bed so many times.

You have no idea. It was a lot.

As a kid, you know, I'm just saying.

I used to pee in the bed a lot.

I used to wake myself up peeing in the bed,

and I would just go back to sleep.

I'd be like, "Too late now." [snores]

It's already out there.

You can't take it back, so I was like...

[chuckles] I don't pee myself anymore.

Last time I peed on myself was about three weeks ago,

and, uh, it was in-- I was awake.

I was in Nassau, Bahamas.

Make some noise if you've been in Nassau, Bahamas.

Make some noise. Hey!

Everybody that cheered, they got money.

Go rob them.

Anyway, so I couldn't afford to go.

They flew me out, they put me in this super nice hotel.

Behind the hotel, they had a water park, right?

You know what I'm talking about, right?

The water park. They had a 70-foot-drop slide.

70-foot-drop slide.

I got to the top of that slide,

and I peed on myself immediately, right?

Not because I was scared. I'm not scared.

I've been skydiving.

I'm not scared of no 70-foot-drop slide.

I peed on myself 'cause I'm like it's a water park,

and I could probably get away with it, right?

Halfway down, I'll just wash it away, you know?

And for some reason,

the ride shut down right before I got on.

Yeah, it was like, "Sorry, man, the ride is shut down."

I was like, "Why?"

He's like, "We had accident."

I was like, "You have no idea how right you are, actually.

That's why I gotta go on, so I can wash it away, you know?"

And he was like, "Wash what away?"

And I was like, "Never mind."

And then he was like, "Why are you wet?"

And then I tried to play it off like he was dumb.

I was like, "What do you mean, why am I wet?

"Bro, we're at a water park.

"Obviously, I went swimming earlier,

"and then I, um, I came here after I was--

I was done swimming."

He was like, "You went swimming?"

I was like, "Yeah."

He's like, "With one leg?"

And I was like, "Listen, man, like you--you...

"you act like you've never tipped your toe

"in the pool real quick to see the temperature.

"Man, I-I just did that with one leg.

I was like I wonder if it's cool or not for me to get in."

Right?

And he's like, "You peed on yourself."

I'm like, "How do you know?"

He's like, "'Cause you're still peeing."

I was like, "You're right," 'cause I still was.

I was like, "Whatever."

This was one of them long morning pees.

You ever do that?

You're like, it's a record right here,

you know what I mean?

I don't remember drinking this much water.

All right. I'm the only one?

All right, whatever... [chuckles]

That was a long time ago. I don't do that anymore.

All right, as a kid, yeah.

As a kid, I used to pee on myself.

I loved being a kid.

When you're a kid, it's great.

There's no bills, there's naptime,

you win a million dollars.

You know, it's just great being a kid.

I'm not mad, it's fine, but listen,

I'm saying that naptime used to be a punishment.

Isn't that crazy?

Like we wanted-- we didn't want that then,

but we want it now.

What if you went into work late and your boss is like,

"Uh, you're late for work. Go to bed."

[cheers]

You'd be like, "For real?

That's actually why I was late, because I was in bed."

What if we got the same punishments

we received as children, but we got 'em now, right?

Like we get pulled over for speeding,

and instead of the cop giving us a ticket,

like he walk up to the car like, "Uh, excuse me.

You know how fast you were going?"

And then you're like, "Yeah, yeah, I was--

I was going, like-- I was going 60."

"Oh, 60 in a 45 zone? Step out of the vehicle.

"Step out in the vehicle and spread 'em!

"You've been going 60 in a 45--

"oh, so what you're trying to tell me is, right,

"is that you've seen the sign, but you don't want to listen.

Okay!"

[cheers and whistling]

That's how my mom with me.

I don't know how y'all got whooped.

[laughs]

I like-- I like how half y'all laughed

and then-- yeah, there you go.

I like how half y'all laughed.

The other half was like, "That was a high jump.

That was pretty good."

Surprise. I'm black.

Okay, come on. You were surprised.

Yeah, yeah. She can jump like that too.

You know what I'm saying? [chuckles]

You got whoopings as a kid? You got whoopings?

What's the worst spanking you got with what?

You don't remember, bro? That's child abuse, bro.

You don't even...

I was like, "What's the worst whooping?"

"What's my name? I know this.

They tell that to me all the time."

What if someone just walked in here right now

while I'm putting on my belt?

Like, what kind of show is going on right here?

I thought there was a pastor onstage and he's getting...

Getting naked.

You don't remember what the worst thing

you got whooped with?

I'ma ask the black people next to you.

Y'all know. All right.

What's the worst whooping you got with what?

- A pen. - A pen?

Yo, how do you get whooped with a pen?

"You do your homework, Jamal?"

"I ain't doing nothing, mama. Shut up!"

"What?"

Like you--I don't even know what you did, you deserve it.

You know what I mean? Like that's--

That's some--black--yeah.

See, one time, my mom beat me with my brother.

So I understand where you're coming from.

For real, she was mad at both of us.

She was like, "I'm gonna kill two stones with one bird."

And then she got us.

[laughter]

Shut up, y'all knew what I meant!

Okay, it don't matter where the stone

and the bird and stuff is at.

Same time. You got what I was saying.

It don't matter. I'm not dumb.

I'm not--I'm not the dumb one in the family.

Everybody got a dumb person in the family,

and if you don't think so, it's you, all right?

Just saying.

Everybody got one dumb person.

I like how you just-- you pointed to your sister.

Like you just-- why would you point to--

she was like, "It's you!" Like that's--that's hilarious.

Yeah, it's my brother, Justin. Obviously, right?

That's--everyone knows he the dumb one in the family.

Anyway, so this--this-- but this is the thing.

My mom thinks I'm the dumb one in the family.

And I know my mom thinks I'm the dumb one,

'cause when I was eight, she spelled out a word

she didn't want me knowing.

You know how some of y'all do your kids?

"No more drink for Timmy,

'cause he's about to go to B-E-D."

That's what my mom did with-- to me.

You know what she spelled out when I was eight?

My name.

She thought I was so dumb,

she could spell my name in front of me when I was eight

and I wouldn't know it.

In front of my brother, who's dumb, right?

She said, "Keep it a secret, Justin.

Do not tell P-R-E-A-C-H-E-R."

And I'm sitting there like, "P-R--that's me."

My brother over there, "P-R-E..."

"Okay, carry the 'A.' All right."

"Yo, Preacher, who the heck is Pikachu?"

Yeah, man.

One time, this man called me up, crying about Mom.

He was crying.

He's like, "Man, I'm so tired of Mom, man.

"Giving me chores, telling me what time to come in the house.

I'm running away!"

I'm like, "You can't run away, Justin."

He's like, "Why?" I'm like,

"'Cause you're 29, okay?

Like that's-- that's moving out."

You know what I'm saying?

It's not even running away anymore.

And I hope he does move out,

'cause I hate sharing a room with him.

It's really annoying.

Like this dude is always sleeping naked.

I wouldn't even care if he slept naked

if we had separate beds,

but he always on my side of the race car bed.

I'm like, "Man, dude. This ain't no UberPool."

I feel like I should let y'all know

I like women right now.

All right, so I like--like-- I like women, all right?

Uh, we have an older brother as well named Joshua.

He likes women as well.

He just likes men way more, you know what I mean?

'Cause he gay.

Uh, so we found out he was gay last year.

That's not even true.

We didn't find out he was gay last year.

He just told us he was gay last year.

We knew the whole time. We knew.

We knew!

It was so obvious

to the point where, when we told me,

I took it as disrespect.

I'm like, "How dumb do you think I am, bruh?

I grew up with you, man, and you played the clarinet."

You know, like, there were clues growing up.

This is how he told us.

We're having a family dinner. He took his cup and a fork.

He was like, ting, ting, ting.

"I got something to tell y'all!"

I was like, "What you got to tell us, man?"

He started crying all over my shoulder.

He's like, "I'm gay, though!"

I'm like, "First off,

"you're getting your mascara all over me, man.

"Second off, I knew you was gay growing up, man.

You had a diary. That's how I knew you was gay."

I didn't even read it.

The fact he had one, I was like, "Gay!"

I already knew, right?

I never had a diary.

I had a journal, but that's way different, okay?

Ugh!

That's like, 'cause I didn't put dates.

You can tell, man.

I feel bad for him, 'cause as a kid,

we all agreed girls had cooties,

and he just stuck to what he believed in.

You know what I mean? And...

He's a smart dude. He speaks three languages.

Spanish, English, Japanese.

[cheers and applause] Yeah.

Yeah, my mom speaks 4 1/2 languages.

Spanish, English, French, Mandarin Chinese,

and a little bit of Italian.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't mean to brag, but I speak loudly,

and, um, got my master's.

My--my grandma speaks two languages.

She speaks English and in tongues all the time.

Okay, you can't even talk to my grandma

without her bringing up God.

You know, she's like, "How you doing, baby?"

"Oh, I'm doing good." "Good?

"That's God with two O's.

Hey!" [babbling]

That's her the whole time.

I don't like when she prays.

She pray a little too long for me.

You know, like, every time she about to pray,

I'm like, "Oh, God."

Even God look down like, "Ah, Myself!"

Like it just takes so long

for her to finish praying.

Like, this is how spiritual my grandma is.

If I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times,

instead of her calling the ambulance,

she would get on her knees praying like,

"Please, Lord Jesus!

"Now get these eight demons

"outside my grandbaby's chest.

"Let the bullets rise up, part ways from his chest

"like Moses did the Red Sea!

"Yes, Lord!

"Let the blessings rain down from the windows

"to the walls!

"Let all the blessings fall!

Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord."

"Yes, Lord.

Turn down for what, Lord Jesus?"

Lil Jon 3:16.

What-- yo, what is the minimum wage

out here in Chicago? What's the minimum wage?

[scattered responses]

Y'all live in the same Chicago? What's going on?

It should've been one answer. What is it?

Eleven?

What's the server wage out here?

[scattered responses]

Four-something. Okay.

All right, so servers get paid like 4-something an hour,

and then, like, there's like minimum wage, right?

A lot of people, for some reason,

they think that servers get paid minimum wage,

and then the tips are just extra.

But that's not true. They need money, all right?

So a lot of people might go out to eat,

and they're like, "Oh, I only got enough money to eat.

I don't got enough money to tip."

And it's like, look, if you don't got enough money to tip,

you know, you probably shouldn't be going out to eat.

Like, you need to stay at the house.

Get you a Lunchable, you know?

Quit being annoying. I used to serve.

I just know what it's like, man.

We used to get robbed during the holidays.

It sucked, yeah, man, 'cause we walk out with cash,

so they're like, "That's easy money, right there."

You know?

They'd rob us, so they're like,

"All right, man, we gotta stop getting robbed.

"So like, there's too many people getting robbed,

"and they're walking out by yourself.

"So you can't walk out by yourself anymore!

"You gotta have another person to walk out with.

"All right, it's called the buddy system.

"'Cause if you walk out with another person,

that way, you're invincible."

It doesn't do anything. It does nothing.

You're giving the robber more money.

That's all you're doing.

You're supposed to be doing two-for-one deals

at the restaurant, not for the robber.

Like, you--you ain't gonna run into somebody with a gun

and they be like, "Give me all the money!

"Oh, it's two of y'all?

"Dang it, man! Dang!

"I only brought one bullet!

All right, check it out. Single file line!"

Like it's not a thing. It's dumb.

Super stupid, man.

But I used to live in Orlando when it was--it was, uh,

it was hard to get a job there,

which is weird 'cause they got--

there's plenty of opportunities there.

They got Disney World, SeaWorld,

all these amusement parks.

They got a Wet 'n Wild, they got a Fun Spot.

They got a--they got a Christian amusement park

called Holy Land Experience.

Have y'all--who have-- who's heard of that?

Make some noise. Okay, all right.

'Cause for some reason, people think I'm lying

when I say there's a Christian amusement park.

There's an actual Christian amusement park

called Holy Land Experience,

where the actual rides--

they got this one ride at Holy Land

that goes like 90 feet in the air and just drops down.

It's called Go to Hell, and, uh--

okay, I made it up.

I lied, I lied. But what if they did?

"Hey, skip in line. You deserve it.

"Man, go to hell.

Go ahead. Go on."

I used to--I used to apply for jobs a lot.

They wouldn't give me a job.

Everywhere I go, I go to-- I go to, uh,

I go to McDonald's.

"Oh, we're only hiring managers and assistant managers."

I go to Southwest Airlines.

"Oh, you gotta be certified to fly a plane."

Shut up. I went...

I went to the, uh, Florida mall

to apply to be a security guard,

which I thought would be super easy,

'cause have y'all seen mall security?

They're not real security.

Like they're professional tattle tellers,

you know what I mean?

Like, they got plastic handcuffs.

As long as you bring scissors,

when you steal something, you're free, right?

So I just assumed they was going to give me the job.

So I was like, "When do I start?"

They were like, "Oh, in order for you to work here,

"you've got to take a 40-hour class, all right?

"Take the 40-hour class,

"and you're done taking the class,

"they're gonna give you a test, all right?

"Take the test, and when you pass the test,

you'll get a certificate." [speaking gibberish]

It was so annoying, right?

But I really needed the job.

So I took the 40-hour class,

took me three weeks for some reason,

and when I came back, I was like,

"Hey y'all, guess who's certified

to be a security guard?

They're like, "Sorry, but we just hired

another candidate for the job."

And I'm like, "All right, well,

"I'm about to blow up this mall,

"because it just took me three weeks to do this class,

and you ain't gonna hire me, is that what you're saying?"

They're like, "Sorry, but if we have an opening,

we'll let you know."

I was like, "You don't need to let me know,

'cause I don't need this stupid job!"

But I didn't say that out loud,

'cause I needed that stupid job.

So I was like, "Yeah, whenever you get a chance,

let me know." And so I was walking out,

and I was calming down, and I was like,

"Whoosah, Preach. You'll be fine.

"There's plenty of jobs out there.

You don't need this job," and I was calming down.

And then-- and then until I seen the guy

they hired instead of me, then I flipped out,

because the guy they hired instead of me had no arms.

I don't think that some of y'all heard me, right?

So the guy they hired instead of me

had no arms, y'all!

I was so mad, I wanted to steal something

just 'cause I know he can't do anything...

if I stole something.

What could a no-arm security guard do?

"Hey!

"Did you pay for them bag of M&Ms?

"Oh, you didn't pay. Let me tell you something, boy.

"You have the right to remain silent!

"Anything you do can and will be used against you.

"In the food court of the mall,

"get these plastic cuffs

"out of the back of my pocket and arrest yourself!

"Get these cuffs out of the back of my pocket!

And arrest--" it's like, I would just trip him.

"Ooh, did you trip me?

"As soon as somebody rolls me over,

"it is going down.

You done messed up!"

And he be like-- he be like,

"Put your hands behind your back."

And I'm like, "You first."

I know I'm going to hell for that.

I already know, okay?

I just didn't want to go alone. Thanks for laughing.

You're a part of it now.

We're all going on the Holy Land ride.

I need a cigarette.

I don't smoke cigarettes, but I know--

[chuckles] I'm gonna start right now.

I'm gonna start.

I just feel like it's a cool thing to say.

I don't understand why people smoke cigarettes anymore.

You know what I mean?

Like, back in the day...

you know, back in the day, they pr--

if you've been doing it for a long time--

I'm not talking about you.

But if you're new to cigarettes,

you're just a dumb person,

because, like, there's...

there's so many better options.

Isn't weed legal here?

Almost? Oh, okay.

Well, smoke cigarettes. My bad.

I thought it was legal.

I'm just trying to find you a better option.

All right, well...

I don't care if you smoke cigarettes.

I just wish you would aim a little better,

like, pfft, you know, maybe not in my face.

That'd be great.

Always blowing in my face, man.

Some lady did that today.

She blew in my face,

for a long--she didn't do it on purpose.

It wasn't like, "I don't like your shirt."

[blows] It wasn't like that.

But she blew in my face for a long time.

She's like, "I gotta get the kids tomorrow.

I'ma pick 'em up, you know..."

[sucking in air]

[blowing loudly]

[cheers and applause]

What are you, a dragon?

Like, how can you breathe this long, man?

I wanted to be mad, but I was like,

this is actually impressive,

the amount of time you're blowing into...

it was so long.

It's like she had, like, two lungs or something.

You know what I mean? So annoying.

Or three-- how many lungs we got?

Whatever, y'all know what I meant.

Doesn't matter.

She could breathe longer.

I don't like y'all. How about that?

All right?

[chuckles]

Y'all knew what I meant.

Whatever, man.

I used to work at the gym. It's fun.

It's fun working at a gym.

I started doing yoga,

and I love yoga.

I love yoga.

I used to think yoga was gay,

and then I did it, and I was like,

"Ah, I'm right. It's so gay."

And I had to call my mom about it.

I was like, "I got something to tell y'all!"

And she was--

she was like, "Again?" You know.

And then I decided to get a yoga mat online,

because I love yoga so much,

but it really surprised me,

the average price of a yoga mat,

'cause I didn't think it was gonna be this expensive, right?

Guess how much the average price of a yoga mat is.

[audience murmuring]

Nope.

Okay, no.

Who said $50?

Where do you get your yoga mat from, Whole Foods?

What do you mean, $50?

Who sponsors your yoga mat, Aladdin?

Is that a magic yoga mat?

That better fly me to the gym every single day, I know that.

♪ I can show you the stretch

It better...

you just yelled out 50 regardless

of what I was gonna ask you, didn't you?

Yeah.

Anybody here got a favorite color?

"$50!"

Like, you don't...

you was gonna yell that, whatever.

No, it's like--it's like 30, which is still dumb.

It's like, why would it be $30

to lay on something

when I can go to Dollar Tree

and get like five placemats

and just tape 'em together, right?

That's how everybody that do yoga look.

[chuckles]

They try to keep their face still.

It's so funny.

I think yoga's bad for business.

It's like, why is your floor so dirty?

You like, hey, you might want to bring your own floor.

You know, you don't want to lay down.

I used to--

I used to keep a carton of eggs in my car

just in case somebody cut me off.

And...

I don't do it anymore. I don't do it anymore.

The reason I stopped doing it

is 'cause I had this really bad situation.

I was driving, right?

Some dude in a minivan cut me off.

I almost flipped out.

But I was like, you know what?

Calm down. You just had a great day.

He got a minivan.

He already gave up on life anyway.

So like, let it slide, right?

So I just him the horn.

He flipped out.

He gave me the middle finger,

started calling me all kind of names,

called me the N-word, right?

Yeah, he was black, though, so I was like, whatever.

This is like a barbershop right now.

So--but I didn't like the way he flipped me off.

So I was like, you done messed up, bruh.

So I'ma really get him.

So I start rolling down my window, right?

But I had a manual window, so it took me like 45 minutes

to get my window down, right?

But three asthma attacks later, I get it like halfway down,

I grab a egg, and I throw it at the side of his window.

He starts flipping out.

I was dying, I was laughing so hard.

I was laugh-- I was dying, right?

And then... [laughs]

I see this back window down, right?

'Cause it seemed like a really good idea

to really get him, right?

I know, it seemed like a great idea at the time.

I didn't see the baby.

And so, like...

I know.

It was halfway when I noticed.

I was like, aw, snap!

♪ Too late to apologize

♪ It's too late

This happened in 2007. It went, pow!

Hit the baby.

Realized it was a ugly baby,

and I was like, ugh, two more eggs!

No, two more eggs at the ugly baby.

Can't stand ugly babies.

I didn't throw no three eggs at a baby, okay?

[growling] I threw four.

No, I didn't do that.

I don't mess with eggs anymore.

I'm a vegan, right?

[scattered applause]

Thank you, four vegans, for coming out

to take over.

No, I'm just playing.

Vegan means we don't eat or wear animal products.

I decided to be a vegan

'cause I was sitting around one day and I thought to myself--

I was like, man,

I just got way too many friends.

And how do I fix this?

And so I decided...

and it worked.

No one wants to go out and eat anymore.

They hate you and stuff.

[laughs]

No, I'm a vegan 'cause I like animals.

And I don't want anyone here thinking I'm saying that

if you eat meat, you're a bad person.

I don't want you to think I'm saying that at all.

You know, 'cause you already know.

So, like, why would I say that again?

You know? No, I'm just playing.

I don't even like animals like that, to be honest with you.

I like--I mean, I do like-- I like baby animals.

I like any baby animals.

Like kittens-- oh, my gosh!

They do something to me.

I don't know what it is, but I love kitties, man.

People think I'm joking. "You don't like kittens."

Man, I love kittens.

I love kittens so much, I'm allergic to 'em,

and I don't care, a'ight?

I could die from petting the kitty.

That's pretty gangsta, right there.

I'ma pet a kitty or die trying. Come on, man.

Get outta here.

A kitten could shoot me with a gun--pow!

Ah!

You're so fluffy! Like, I love it!

So much!

[grunts] Oh, God I love a kitty.

[sighs] Anyway.

Sorry, I get out of hand sometimes

when I think about kittens.

[laughs]

People don't like-- people don't like vegans.

I get there's some annoying vegans out there for sure.

All right? There's a lot of annoying--

yep, you already-- yep, you're the candidate.

The fact that you said "right here"

means you're annoying immediately.

I don't even know you.

I was like, "There's some annoying vegans."

"I'm annoying!" You already know your place.

A'ight. So we found... [chuckles]

You actually the most annoying person now.

You know what I mean? Like, such...

I'm just serious.

No, but listen, for real.

A'ight.

[laughing] Why--

are you like super, like--

super, like, PETA vegan or something?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, okay, cool. All right.

Well, yeah.

Did someone groan? Like, what...

The thing about the most annoying person you know:

they eat meat.

Y'all annoying too. That's all I'm saying.

Everybody is annoying, a'ight?

What's something annoying that a vegan does

that meat eaters don't do?

What's something annoying?

Tell me. - They talk about it.

- Huh? - They talk all about it.

- We tell you that we're--

so, you--so, we--

what you mean, we talk all about it?

You act like I just walked onstage like,

"Hey, y'all! My name is Preacher Lawson.

And let the comedy ve-gin."

Like, I didn't...

I didn't do that.

I-I waited 45 minutes.

You hate the fact that we tell you we're vegan?

Who else do you hate, people with allergies?

They gotta tell you!

"Here Cameron go again.

"Oh, really? Really, Cameron?

We know you lactose intolerant."

[chuckling]

You know why we're lactose intolerant?

Why?

'Cause we ain't cows.

That's why, man.

We're not cows, that's why.

We can't process that. It's weird, man.

That's why you should know that a cow--

cow milk has an animal protein in it.

In order for us to break it down,

it takes calcium from our bones and weakens our bones.

That's why the countries with the highest state

of osteoporosis, they consume the most milk.

That's why you don't see those "Got Milk?" signs anymore.

A'ight? Lied about strong bones.

Some of y'all do your research on TV.

You think lizards talk,

and it's just a Geico commercial.

And I know what you thinking.

"Oh, a black vegan that does yoga?

He must like white girls."

What are you, a psychic? Like, that...

that is not...

that's not true at all.

I don't like 'em.

I love 'em. No, I'm joking.

I'm joking.

No, look, man. I like women, man.

If I have to choose a preference,

I'm choosing black, 'cause I'm black

and I can relate to that more, all right?

But I--hey, hold on.

I'm just saying--I ain't saying

that I think white people ain't attractive

or Spanish people or-- what's another one?

Wha--huh?

Yeah, one of them.

Like, I think all-- everybody fine, right?

Get outta here.

I don't know how you look at a whole race

and think the whole race is unattractive.

I think that's stupid, man.

Especially black people.

We're so tropical, man. What you mean?

We got my complexion.

I'm like dark chocolate, you know?

You got some caramel black people, you know?

Went to the Bahamas recently, realized I'm not even dark.

You know, like, there's levels.

Right?

White people, y'all got variation too,

'cause you got regular white, right?

Then you got--you know,

um...

you got whiter, right, right?

You got clear.

You know, like, there's a bunch, man.

I'ma tell you what my type is.

I love women--I love women that make me laugh.

I love 'em.

I love women that make me laugh.

You know, if a girl make me laugh, I fall in love fast.

I be like, ha-ha!

Girl, you are stupid!

Listen, we've been knowing each other for two minutes.

But I know you the one.

Like, I just-- I love funny women.

You just can't be funnier than me, and we're good,

you know what I mean?

My ex was hilarious.

You know what else she is? My ex.

I ain't doing that.

Ain't gonna try to be funny-- don't try to embarrass me.

We at parties, everybody huddled around.

"Your girl so funny!"

What are you doing, huh?

Why you trying to embarrass me?

You don't see LeBron's wife just going around

dunking on him.

You don't see that!

It's annoying, man.

So annoying.

I don't care if a girl taller than me, man.

I do not care.

Dudes be like, "Man, a girl can't be taller--"

I don't care if a girl taller than me.

That does not both-- girl?

[kisses] Get this lovin'.

I don't care.

Don't matter to me.

You just can't be able to beat me up.

That's all I care about.

Yeah, I don't wanna--

I wanna get in an argument with my lady

and think, "Oh snap, she mad."

You know, like-- not, "Oh snap, she mad!"

You know, not that.

I do not care.

I think women that do their eyebrows are weird.

I think that's weird.

Women do their eyebrows for some reason.

I like how one person laughed,

and you know she the only woman in here

that don't do her eyebrows.

Like...

she was like, "I don't get it either!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha."

[laughing]

It's weird, right? This is weird.

I don't--women do their eyebrows for other women.

That's why.

If a man--if you--

if a man cares about your eyebrows,

it's 'cause he did your eyebrows.

You understand?

He got to something to tell y'all.

You understand? Like, we don't--

we don't care about your eyebrows.

Unless it's one eyebrow.

That's the only time we care. That's the only...

then we're like, "Why is that squirrel

taking a nap on your forehead?"

Like, then we notice, but...

if you got some regular eyebrows, we don't care.

I seen some girl shave off her real eyebrow

and then draw it on herself.

What if I just shaved off all my hair

and I just colored it in?

You know how weird I'm look?

I'm Crayola man!

[grunting]

How long you been following me?

Just the whole show, huh? All right.

Got two lights, all right.

[cheers and applause]

I got asthma; I don't even know why I did that.

That was so dumb.

I can't breathe.

You having a good time tonight? Make some noise.

[loud cheering]

Ah.

I didn't care if y'all was having a good time.

I was trying to breathe.

All right. [chuckles]

What was I talking about?

Talking about--I almost got in a fight with a woman.

This is what happened. Listen.

This is what happened, 'cause I was on a flight...

I was on a flight--

I don't know where I was on a flight.

Doesn't matter.

I was on a plane,

and I had to use the bathroom.

And the stupid flight attendant,

she wouldn't let me go.

She's like, "There's about to be turbulence.

You can't use the bathroom."

I was like, "I--I should--

I should probably go now, if there's about to be..."

Right?

My bladder's full.

I don't want to be twerking in my seat, right?

I should go the bathroom right now.

And she like, "You can't go."

And I'm like, "Look, I'm either gonna pee in that bathroom,

"or in row 11F.

It's up to you."

I sat in 18F, but I didn't like the way

the dude in 11F was looking at me,

so I was like...

I'm like, "I'll pee on you, bruh."

Anyway, so I fell asleep on the plane.

She made me mad, 'cause she woke me up.

She like, "Hey, hey.

Do you want some pretzels?"

And I'm like, "No, I want to sleep,

and you just woke me up."

Why would you wake someone up on a plane?!

Who wants to be up 30,000 feet in the air like,

"What happens next?" Nobody!

Why would you wake me up? It's so bad.

I would never hit a woman,

but I just left my foot in the aisle,

you know what I mean, like I was like,

I'ma let the Lord do his work, right?

Leave the foot right there.

And I ended up falling back asleep,

but every time I wake up too much

in the middle of the night,

I start to have nightmares.

And I woke up, I had a nightmare,

and I yelled something out.

And before I tell you what I yelled out,

I just want to say it don't matter

what I yelled out,

'cause I yelled out

on a plane.

Doesn't matter. I could've woke up yelling,

"It's peanut butter jelly time!"

Doesn't matter.

Nobody's gonna wake up joining you like,

"Where he at? Where he at?

"There he go. Peanut butter jelly!

Peanut--" No one's doing that.

I was getting robbed in my dream,

and they didn't know that.

And I woke up and yelled, "He's got a gun!",

which is not

something you yell

on a plane.

You know, everybody start flipping out.

This grown man peed on himself.

Like, it was me, but she should've let me know.

Like, I told her ahead of time.

[chuckles] Dating outside your race is different.

It's different.

I-I kill it with these transitions.

So, um...

dating outside your race is different.

This is why it's different: the first date I ever went on

with a white girl, we were driving through

Death Valley, Nevada, right?

I don't know if anyone's ever been there,

but it's beautiful, right,

when you're safe inside your car.

And I was driving with her,

and I was looking around.

I was like, "Man, these mountains

are so beautiful, aren't they, white girlfriend?"

And then...

she was like, "Just call me Vanessa."

And I was like, "My bad, I'm new to this."

I just--

I was like,

"But don't you think they're beautiful?"

And her response was,

"Oh my gosh, these mountains are so beautiful.

Let's go climb them!"

And...

I was like, "Calm down, Cinderella."

You know, like, let's not go die,

you know, sounds like a better idea.

And I'm not saying it's some white people stuff,

climbing up mountains.

I'm not saying that at all.

All I'm saying is, anybody black I know

wouldn't have suggested that.

That's all I'm saying.

Climbing mountains in Death Valley.

I was like, it's in the name.

They gave us clues right there.

And she was like, "Well, that couple looks like

they're walking around the bottom of the mountain."

It's a black couple, right?

And I was like, "Well, they're walking

"on the bottom of the mountain.

They ain't going to the top, you know."

She like, "I want to see a little bit."

And I was like, whatever, so we parked.

where she running to the other couple.

We say, "What's up?" They say, "What's up?" back.

Super sweet.

We start walking up the mountain.

And it was fun.

It was fun for a little bit.

I was walking up,

and I was looking around,

and I felt bad, 'cause I was like,

man, this--I been talking all this smack,

and it is fun.

So I turned to her and I admitted to her.

I was like, "You know what, white girlfriend Vanessa?

"I'm...

"I'm so glad you suggested this,

'cause I'm having a great time."

She's like, "I told you it's gonna be a lot of fun."

And I was like, "Yeah," and it was great--

until I seen some fresh doo-doo on the ground,

and I was like,

"That's so weird, 'cause I didn't do that."

You know what I mean? So...

I was like, "How did that get there if I didn't do that?"

I was like, "Did you do that? That was fast, girl.

"When did you do that?

"When did you-- when did you, like,

"teleport your doo-doo over here

"and put a paw mark next to it?

That's crazy."

And she goes, "It wasn't me, silly.

It was probably just a mountain lion."

What?!

How?!

How do you just say that and be calm?

What do you mean, it's probably just a mountain lion?

She says, "Don't worry about it, silly.

"Mountain lions are way more afraid of us

"than we are of them.

We just got to stand up to 'em."

I said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

in my life."

That's stupid-- you trying to tell me

if I see a mountain lion live,

I'm supposed to be like, "Whoa, there, mountain lion.

"You better stop it, mountain lion,

'cause I googled you,"

and then the mountain lion just walks off

like, "Hey, my bad, man.

"I didn't know you had Wi-Fi.

"Let me get out of here.

"I was gonna murder you, but you googled me.

I got to leave now."

I said, "Listen, man, I don't know what nursery rhyme

"you heard growing up,

"but it wasn't 'Black and Jill went up the hill

"to get eaten by some mountain lions.'

"We have to leave for your safety.

"Okay? 'Cause I'm so much faster than you.

"Like, it's not even close.

"It's not.

"Listen, I'm--look. I was in track.

I was--I'ma destroy you."

And then I was like,

"And we in the mountains

"talking about some mountain lions.

"They ain't no regular lions. We in their turf.

"I ain't no mountain person up in Memphis.

This is a bad idea. We got to leave."

She like, "I wanna stay up here longer."

And I was like, "Good luck, Rapunzel.

'Cause I ain't about to save you."

And I was gone.

I was like Mario Kart

when he hits that little arrow thing in the game.

I be like, dun-dun-na-ma-na-na, na-ma-na-na,

doo-ba-boppity-bow.

I forget how it goes. Anyway--I forgot.

So I got to the bottom,

and I start breathing hard, and I was sweating.

And I was like, I made it.

And I look across the street, and I see that couple

looking at me just weird.

I'm like, why--why they looking at me weird?

And I realized I just walked up the mountain

with a white girl.

And ran down by myself.

I was like, I can see how that looks.

I can see how that looks.

You think I'm O.J. part two. That's what that look is.

She's alive-- I don't know if she's alive

I know I'm single now.

My name is Preacher Lawson.

Thank you so much. I love y'all.

Thank you.

Thank you. Y'all were amazing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]