Original subtitles

(soft orchestral music) ♪ Oh, the good life ♪

♪ Full of fun ♪

♪ Seems to be the ideal ♪

♪ Yes, the good life ♪

♪ Lets you hide all the sadness you feel ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ You won't really fall in love ♪

♪ For you can't take the chance ♪

♪ So be honest with yourself ♪

♪ Don't try to fake romance ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ It's the good life ♪

♪ To be free and explore the unknown ♪

♪ Yes, and the heartaches ♪

♪ When you learn you must face them alone ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Please remember, I still want you ♪

♪ And in case you wonder why ♪

♪ Well, just wake up, baby ♪

♪ And kiss the good life goodbye ♪

♪ That's all you got to do ♪

- [Man] Come all the way up. All the way.

♪ And please remember ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

- 20 minutes. Hello, goodbye. - Okay.

♪ You wonder why ♪

♪ Well, wake up, baby ♪ (horn honks)

♪ And kiss the good life goodbye ♪

- Evening, Mr. Thorne. - Evening, Mike.

110 blocks in under 15 minutes.

Not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.

Somebody throwing a party?

- You are, sir. - Oh, yeah?

Am I having a good time?

- Well, Manhattan Fine Wines just delivered

six cases of Salon Les Mesnil.

- Wow, pretty pricey stuff.

What did I pay for it? - (chuckles) What do you care?

You got more money than you can even look at.

Oh, I'd like to thank you

for that little tip on the market you gave me.

The wife says the stock's gone up five points.

- Good, Mike. Want some more advice?

- Sure. - Sell it.

Here, read my newsletter.

- Have fun. (Chris chuckles)

- Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Woman, kiss the good life goodbye ♪

- Evening.

(elevator dings) - Chris, look! It's us!

- Good evening, Chris. - You came!

- (chuckles) Hi, Chris. I save it for you.

- (chuckles) That's what she says to all the guys.

(group chuckling)

- I'll get the next one. Go ahead.

Cigar.

- [Fausto] Chris, we'll see you in the apartment.

(dog barking) (soft music)

- Oop! Oop! - Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

- [Chris] Heya, little fella. What's your name?

- Come on! Get down, get down!

Come on, girls. Get over here.

(elevator dings) I'm sorry.

- You oughta get cats. They're a lower-maintenance pet.

(Diane chuckles)

Ah, here we go. - Come on, let's go.

Come on, girls.

- Chris! Chris! (elevator dings)

- Hate crowds. (Diane huffs)

You new in the building?

(Diane sobs)

You all right? - (chuckles) Yes.

(Diane sobs) - Take this.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

- I never do this.

- Listen, some people are throwing a party

up in my apartment.

Why don't you come up for a drink? It'll help you relax.

(Diane sobs)

What's the matter? - Oh!

That son of a bitch!

I don't believe this. That bastard!

I can't believe this! (dog barking)

- I'll be in the penthouse if you change your mind.

Thanks for the Espresso maker.

(bag sloshes) And the bag of shit.

(elevator dings)

(dog barking) (phone dialing)

(phone ringing)

- [Woman] Howard Suntz's office.

- Miriam, this is Diane. Let me talk to Howard.

- [Miriam] I'm sorry, Ms. Lightson.

He left explicit instructions not to be disturbed.

- (sighs) What's going on with this landfill deal?

I'm only his goddamn lawyer. Why didn't I know about it?

- [Miriam] He said he's doing the deal.

Your services won't be needed, professionally or personally.

- Look, this is not about our personal relationship, Miriam.

This is business. Do you understand?

It's about my, my professional credentials,

my law firm's time. (sighs)

Why am I talking to you? You know what?

You just tell Howard that I'm coming down there.

(soft music) (people chattering faintly)

Excuse me.

- Oh! - Hi.

- Hi. Glad you could make it. - Thanks. Diane Lightson.

I'm from the firm of Masur and Glennet.

- Chris Thorne. I'm sorry about the cold hands.

- Don't worry about it.

- The law firm Masur, Glennet?

Weese, Weiss, Worple, Whip Me?

- Yeah, that's the one. - What's your specialty?

- Uh, investment syndication and public flotation.

- It's got to be painful. Would you like a drink?

- I'd love one. - Scotch?

- Great.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, fine.

- [Chris] Scotch.

- Are you going to the Suntz thing?

- (chuckles) Are you kidding?

Not unless somebody holds a gun to my head.

He's a fraud. He's a rip-off artist.

It's all about buying lakes and filling them with garbage.

I don't know what set you off in the elevator,

but if I were you, I'd stay away from this Suntz guy.

- Let's just say I have a personal interest

in this particular deal.

So if you're not going, can I borrow your car?

- (chuckles) Whoa, whoa- - I'm a good driver.

- I didn't say I'm not going.

I just said I'm not planning on going.

Uh, I mean, uh, I may have a low opinion of the guy,

but if it's that important to you,

maybe you know something I don't.

Maybe I should reconsider. - I really like to drive.

- I'll drive. - I mean, I'm happy to drive.

- No, no. It's my car.

I'll do the driving, okay? - Okay, great. You drive.

- Drive? Who's going for a drive?

Are you, Chris? - No, not tonight, Fausto.

- When? Where?

We love to drive.

Are you going to your house in the Hamptons?

- No, no. - That's fantastic.

When are we leaving? (Renadla chuckles)

- Very, very early, much too early for you.

How about, uh, noon in the parking garage?

- Noon is better. We love it!

- Fantastic! - Great.

I'm sorry about that.

That's Fausto and Renalda Squirinizsu.

I give them investment counseling sometimes.

They're Brazillionaires.

They have breakfast around 2:00 in the afternoon.

We'll never see them again.

- Good. So I'll see you in the, uh, garage at noon.

- Okay. - Don't be late.

- I won't be late. - Good.

(people chattering faintly)

(Chris gags)

(horns honking) (birds chirping)

(elevator dings) (doors creaking)

(Chris groaning)

(car tires screeching) (Chris groans)

- Morning, Mr. Thorne.

- Morning, Mike. - Fun night, huh?

(Chris scoffs)

- Oh, God, I can't do this.

- Listen, do me a favor,

will you? - Yes, sir.

- You know Diane Lightson? She just moved in.

- Yes, sir. 23-B?

- Yeah. She'll be down in a couple of minutes.

Tell her, uh, tell her I'm too tired,

I'm sick, I can't drive her,

and- - Yes.

- Give her the car with my compliments, will you?

- Certainly. - I got to get some sleep.

(elevator dings) (doors whirring)

(seductive music)

Gimme the keys, Mike.

(breath spray spritzing)

(elevator dings) (doors whirring)

- Wow! What a beautiful Beemer.

- [Chris] Good morning.

- This is a vintage, what, 733i?

3.3 liter? - (laughs) That's right.

Had it two years, never been out of Manhattan.

- Really? Well, maybe I should drive.

- (laughs) I'll drive.

Hey, uh, let me get that for you.

- Thank you.

Wow, this is really cherry.

- Mm-hmm. Make yourself comfy.

Thank you, Mike. - Hope you feel better, sir.

- I feel great, feel fine.

(car starts) (engine revving)

(car systems beeping)

(tires screeching)

What the? I don't believe this.

(Fausto and Renalda chattering faintly)

Should have known a Brazillionaire never forgets.

- Chris! (Chris sighs)

- They're not coming with us, are they?

- Uh, look at them. - Chris!

- I can't say no. (Fausto chuckling)

- That's a nice Beemer. - Hi, Chris!

- Chris!

Chris, dude, I imagine that you did not think

we'd be up so early. - Had no idea.

- Hi, Chris.

(lips puckering)

- Okay. (Renadla chuckling)

- Chris, where are we going?

- We're going to Atlantic City, Fausto.

Get in the trunk. (chuckles)

- Good, good, good. We can see the Taj Mahal.

I love it. (chuckles)

- I hear they call it the ninth wonder of the world.

- Oh, we have the fifth in South America.

- Oh? - In Rio.

Eh, the Christ of Corcovado.

Hi, I'm Renalda.

- (speaks in foreign language) Diane.

(group speaking in foreign language)

- This is my brother, Fausto.

- (speaks in foreign language) Chris, put this tape on.

Let's chanka. (Renalda giggling)

(lively music) (tires screeching)

(group speaking in foreign language)

- [Fausto] This is nice.

We are nice. (shaver whirring)

(group speaking in foreign language)

- So, how long have you been divorced?

- Four years. - You still love her?

- Nah. Been over it for weeks.

(group speaking in foreign language)

- Chris, this road is such a dull place.

We have a nice little surprise picnic for you.

- Clean food.

- Let's take the car into the countryside for a while.

- Countryside? (chuckles)

This is the Jerseyvania Triangle.

Whole damn place is a mess of burnt-out factories,

junkyards, and coal fields. (Fausto sighs)

Believe me, I know.

My grandfather was in coal commodities in the '30s.

- So let's go and see them.

- [Chris] Nah, I don't wanna get lost.

- You won't get lost.

Look at all that fancy equipment you've got.

Take the next road. Let's see if you can use all that shit.

- Ah, Fausto, I think we should just keep going.

- I don't understand what's the big deal.

We made a nice little surprise picnic for you,

you invited us on a drive,

and now you aren't even driving us where we want to go.

- Dude, you could be a better host.

- Okay. Okay, listen.

How about this? (GPS whirring)

If it won't take too long, Road 329, parallel to the Pike.

Okay, it crosses the Delaware

and then it crosses back here.

There should be beautiful river scenery

and it won't take us too far out of our way, okay?

- It's your dime, lady.

(group speaking in foreign language)

(lively music) - Oh, this is wonderful.

(group speaking in foreign language)

- [Fausto] I have two big mangoes!

- Oh, yes, he has the mangoes. - Do you like mangoes?

(group speaking in foreign language)

- [Fausto] Pull over, Chris.

- [Renalda] Oh, this is going to be wonderful!

Fausto, I don't want to stop here. Please.

- [Fausto] Not here. (speaks in foreign language)

- Keep going. - Chris, pull over to a vista.

- Come on, Chris. (melancholy music)

Oh, look! A village

(dramatic music)

(birds chirping) (ominous music)

(dog whimpers)

- Morning.

Sell pork bellies, buy gold.

Oh! - Why, Chris, look out! Oh!

(tires screeching)

- What is that, a vent pipe? - (indistinct) Vent pipe.

What do you wanna do, get out and kiss it?

- [Renalda] Ai, Chris, it smells, it stinks. Go, go.

- Nice town, huh?

Evel Knievel and Mr. Clean.

Ah, this is better, this is better.

- Pull over- - I like it here.

- And find a nice table. - I'm hungry.

Let's eat right now. (lively music)

- [Fausto] Let's open the whole thing up now.

- [Renalda] Yes, open it up. Let's see, what do we have?

- I don't see butter. - What?

What do you mean I forgot the butter?

- I didn't forget the butter.

- This is marvelous. - That's Antonio.

Antonio the butler forgot the butter, not me.

- Chris, you want a drink? - I can't believe him.

- No. - Now, Diana, smile!

- Eh, smile. - This is a nice road.

- Oh, yeah. Chris, Chris. - It's nice.

- Smile. I got you in the mirror.

- Eh, smile. - Oh, no. A cop.

- Oh! (whimsical music)

Were you speeding?

- 65. That's the national speed limit.

- Well, not everywhere. It said 50 back there.

- 50? Why didn't you tell me?

- You don't have to stop.

- What? (chuckles) Right.

Let's get out the guns and blow out his front tires.

Are you crazy?

Of course I'm gonna stop. He's a policeman.

(siren blares)

- What are you talking about, dude?

This is a provincial cop, man.

With this car, you could easily get away from him.

Let's see if we could do 90.

- Are you kidding? This baby'll do 130.

- Oh, so let's do it! - Good. Let's go.

Go. Go, Chris.

Thorne, for Christ's sake, go.

Go, man.

You wimp chicken, let's go! (Renalda laughing)

Hit it! Push it!

This is a little goddamn hamlet.

- [Renalda] (laughs) Chris, go!

- Here we go.

(engine revving)

- Push it! - I don't know about this.

I don't know.

(engaging music) (siren wailing)

- [Fausto] Go, Chris. Come on, Chris, go.

Don't be scared. Push it!

- We're winning!

- You have a BMW. Act like it.

Faster! - Uh.

Now I think you may be breaking the law.

- Oh, forget about the law! - Oh, but it is smooth,

isn't it?

(car system beeps) (booster whirring)

(tires screeching)

Jeez, he's got a fast car too.

- Oh, shh.

- Chris, Chris, move it.

For Christ's sakes, move it, Chris.

- Uh, maybe we better stop.

- No.

No, I think I can lose him.

- [Officer] Pull your vehicle over now please.

Pull over now.

(car system beeps) (gates whirring)

- What the hell is that?

- [Renalda] Oh!

- Detour! (tires screeching)

- Chris, watch out! - Well, here we go!

(group exclaiming)

Whoa!

(gates whirring) (tires screeching)

He still with us? - Uh-oh.

(Fausto and Renalda speaking in foreign language)

(engine whirring) (siren wailing)

- Push it, Chris! - Where the hell are we?

- Go to the left! Go to the left!

- Get over. Get over.

(horn honking)

- Oh, shh!

(Diane sighs) Be careful on this side!

(Diane gasps) - Whoa!

- [Chris] I'll do the driving, all right?

- Just come on, get over!

(group chattering indistinctly)

(Chris gibbering)

- Will you be quiet, Fausto? Just let me drive, all right?

(horn honking) (women screaming)

- [Officer] Sir, this is a heavily-traveled

industrial artery.

These trucks own this road.

- Oh, man. I just wanna get to Atlantic city.

- [Officer] Sir, these speeds are not

advisable through here.

(siren wailing)

(Renalda speaks in foreign language)

- (gasps) Oh, no!

(bird screeches) (dramatic music)

- (sighs) Everybody relax.

All they can do is cite me and hand me a bunch of tickets.

I'll pay 'em, and we'll be on our way back to the turnpike.

Oh, I see. It's all my fault now.

Folks, meet Andy Griffith.

(window whirring)

- Good afternoon.

Driver, step outside the car please.

- Was I speeding?

Sorry, wasn't sure you were a real cop,

and, uh, please,

I mean that in a complimentary sense.

- That's okay.

There's no law against having a sense of humor.

(Chris chuckles)

Now turn around, put your hands

on the roof of the car please, sir.

There you go, sir. Spread 'em.

- Ah, come on, now, really?

- Come on. Spread 'em. - Spread 'em?

(groans) Oh! Yeah, that's nice, thanks.

The lower back please.

Thank you. Yeah.

Check the prostate. That's nice.

Oh! All right.

Thank you.

I got an itch right up in there.

That's good. Thank you.

- Not today, sir.

Turn around.

May I see your license, registration, and insurance please?

- What's the charge?

- You were speeding,

but that's not why I began to follow you, sir.

Back there in the village,

you failed to make a full stop at the intersection.

- Oh, really? Oh, I didn't even notice.

- Well, as I say, that's the initial reason

why I followed you, and why you're under arrest now.

The speeding and reckless evasion

will be overlooked, if you cooperate now

and quietly get in your car and follow me.

Clear? - Uh, no, sir. Sir.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This may be Valkenvania,

but it is still America,

and we have an appointment at Atlantic City,

so we'd just like to get going.

Wouldn't mind, will you just write a ticket here,

or we could settle it some other way, perhaps?

(bird screeches) - Step back please.

I understand, sir,

but, you see, that's not the way things work around here.

You're gonna have to follow me a ways to the reeve,

then it's up to him how we proceed.

- Reeve?

- The local justice of the peace.

Now, I'm planning not to mention the speeding to him,

so I suggest you come quietly and immediately,

unless you want more trouble than you're already gargling.

(ominous music)

(dramatic music)

(GPS beeping) - Ai. What's that beeping?

- It means we're off the map on this cartridge.

What time does Suntz start the hype?

- Six o'clock. It's 3:30 now.

We can still make it if you just let me do the talking.

(car system beeps)

(bridge whirring)

- Look at this metal sculpture.

- [Diane] They must be into folk art.

- Folk 'em. (eerie folk music)

What is that, music?

They're piping in music.

"Enjoy your stay. "

What is this place?

My God.

So that's where they buried Flipper.

- [Fausto And Renalda] Flipper's dead?

- "Village J.P."

- "Shire Reeve. "

It's like Robin Hood. "Be polite. " (scoffs)

- Oh, and no cussing.

- Shit.

Wow! Look at all these toasters.

- [Fausto] There is a negativity about this place.

- "Valkenheiser Salvage. " "Trespassers will be shot. "

(gates creaking) (dramatic music)

(gates creaking)

Oh, come on. (eerie music)

- [Fausto] There's a funky karma here, man.

- Is this a joke? - Ai, ai, ai, I hope so,

because I don't think I like it here at all.

- [Chris] Where the hell are we?

- Listen, do we have to get out here?

- "Valkenvania Courts and Schools, 1898."

- [Fausto] Valkenvania.

- Ai.

- File in. Reassemble.

- Lucy, I'm home! (whimsical music)

- Oh, yeah. It's old, it's old.

Right this way, folks.

(doors creaking)

- Wait. I'm entitled to one phone call.

- Surely, and you're more than welcome to make one,

if we had a phone.

- There's one in my car. - Car's been impounded.

- Impounded? Already?

- Step up to the railing. Please.

May I have your IDs, everyone please?

I already have yours, Mr. Thorne.

Thank you. Thank you.

These trials usually last only a couple minutes.

Revolving District Court for the village

and shire of Valkenvania is now in order!

The Honorable Reeve Alvin Valkenheiser presides.

(gears whirring)

(eerie orchestral music)

(Alvin groaning) (gears whirring)

- [Alvin] Okay, Dennis, gimme their licenses, ID,

toll tickets, report cards, notes from the teacher.

- There you go, Judge.

Traffic violation. Contravention of village bylaw 23.

Failing in the execution of a full stop

at a place so marked.

I recommend fine, bond, and release.

(Alvin cackling)

- [Alvin] What else you wanna do for 'em, bake 'em a pie?

Okay here.

Who's Christopher Lawrence Thorne?

- That's me, Your Honor.

Thorne Financial Publishing, Water Street, New York.

- [Alvin] Okay.

Banker? - No, no. No, banker, no.

Financial publishing.

Thorne's Weekly? - Okay. Banker.

Oh, here. (chuckles)

Well, look at this. Passports.

- I will have you know that my brother Fausto and I

enjoy diplomatic immunity in this country.

- Oh, yay, well, uh,

and you are the Fausto and Renalda Squirrriinii?

Squiriniz?

Siz, Siz, Sizwi. Sizwi?

Friends of the bride.

- Yeah, that's right. We all wanna get married.

- No, sir. No wedding.

Moving violation. Failure to stop.

- Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing,

and we'll be on our way.

- Oh, I will let you be on your way, and,

ah, when you go, the cat's eyes'll spin!

Now, listen! (dramatic music)

- Okay. We'll listen.

- A-hey, hey, ho, ha, ho! (laughs)

Hula, hula, hula, the boola, boola, boola!

Look who's got the front seats of the Mexican hat dance now.

Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake.

(insect buzzing)

You might be interested to know

that you are not under the jurisdiction

of just any old fishing license dispenser

and stamp-pad jockey! (stamper thuds)

We've always been set to deal with the offenders,

once and for all, at their first appearance,

quick as sump grease through a 10-year-old goose. (whistles)

- Congratulations.

I'm glad to know things are running smoothly for you.

(lighter flicks) - Put out that dog rocket!

- Oh, sir, sorry.

- In 1796, my forefathers established this seat,

after the tenets of the old shire charter.

- Shire charter?

Excuse me, sir, that's pre-Magna Carta.

I mean, serfdom and fiefdom stuff.

- Very good, young lady.

(chuckles) You know, you and I

ought to spend a little more time together.

- Well, I'd, I'd like that.

- Would ya?

Well, then, more on how they packed me off

to Farmers' Mechanics' University, in Gracefield, Ohio,

for my engineering degree. (degree dings)

(Alvin chuckles)

And how I fought the Germans in World War I later.

- But for now. - Later?

Wait, ho, ho, ho! No, later?

- Shh, shh! - Wait a minute.

What is this shit?

- Sir, no cussing in court!

- We don't wanna hear the story of your life.

We just wanna pay the ticket and get the hell out of here!

- I'm sorry, Judge. - Well, look at him!

He's going on and on!

- This court herewith binds you over

for a further appearance,

to be held at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon.

We so deem for the public and common good

that you be confined herein.

So for now. (gavel bangs)

- No, Judge! - What are you kidding me?

- Good night, Irene!

(group screaming)

(toys squeaking) (group shouting)

(Alvin chuckles) - What's the point in that?

(Purdah laughs) They're clean.

No drugs, no guns, nothing.

- Ah, just another batch of hot-pistol,

lily-water city chickens

to run through Grandpa Alvin's trick house?

When I'm gone, you'll be reeve,

and you can run things any way you want.

- Until then, you just do your job.

(gears whirring) So help me, Dennis,

I'll cut you out of the will.

You won't get so much as Flossie the nag.

- I always do my job, and you know it.

But I don't mind letting you know

my duties end right here at this bench.

- Oh, fine. Go suck a bug.

(toys squeaking) (Chris grunts)

- [Chris] Are you okay?

- What are we going to do? (Chris groans)

Oh, Fausto. - What was that for?!

- How could you be so insensitive?

- What do you mean? What are you talking about?

- Fausto, you better do something about this.

- Nina, you're pulling on my coat. Now, cool it!

- I had us out of here!

Then you had to go and open your big mouth.

(toy squeaks) (Diane groans)

- You had us out of here?

We would've been here another two hours,

listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm,

or wherever the hell we are!

- I knew that I couldn't depend on you.

- Listen, I don't need this!

I was just trying to drive us to Atlantic City, for you!

- Oh, is that right? - Yeah!

- You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!

- Shut up! - Shut up!

(upbeat music)

- Miami, baby, here we come.

- Yeah, you can spend

all your money on me. - Here, take this.

- Oh, baby, I'll spend-

- Have they got a Jacuzzi in this place, huh?

(radar beeping)

♪ Funky and mysterious ♪

♪ Some people live in little grooves ♪

(siren wailing)

♪ But Romeo needs more room to move ♪

- We got company.

- Want this? - Nah.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Pass it back.

Gimme this! - Oh, God.

Get rid of the bottles. - Gimmee that!

- Here, you take the bottle. - Get rid of the bottle.

- (chuckles) Hey, Arty, don't give

your real license again, huh?

- Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

(woman giggles)

- Where's the pot? - Would you shut up?

- [Man] No, I want you to pass it to me.

- No! - Did we stop?

- It's under the seat. (people laughing)

(group chattering indistinctly)

- Where's the bottles? - Shut up.

(people laughing)

- Shh! Shh! - Good evening.

Driver, step out of the car please.

(man chuckling) - (chuckles) Okay.

Good evening, officer. (bottle clinking)

(man exclaims) (women laughing)

Chief. (door slams)

(man muttering) - Shh! Shh!

- Driver's license, registration,

insurance, and fitness certificate please.

(man sighs)

(man chuckles) (people laughing)

Okay, Arthur, have you been drinking tonight, son?

- No. (scoffs) I had a couple.

So what? I'm fine.

- I'm afraid you'll have to blow.

(woman giggles) - Blow you?

To get out of a ticket? (chuckles) Forget it, Tom.

- That's not funny.

I meant you'll have to use a breathalyzer.

- I'll blow him. (people laughing)

- Maybe later, next century.

Let's go, son. - Ooh.

- [Man] Oh, come on, officer, we were-

(machine beeping)

(machine buzzes)

- You blew double drunk within the village limits.

You're going with me.

- Sure. Whatever you say, officer.

(dramatic music)

Say good night, copper. (chuckles)

- Please. Please, no.

(man yells) (gun clanks)

Don't kill me.

- Chiefy, pal, I was only kiddin'.

(eerie orchestral music)

- Okay. (record scratches)

(group laughing)

- No! - My God!

And will you look at his face?

Is that nose rubber?

- Hey, I don't want you. I want Judge Wapner.

(group laughing)

- I have to plead the 5th dimension.

- Okay. Okay.

Well, let's see here, what we got.

We got your, uh, crack and ice cocaine here.

You got your pills and your vials of coke,

snorters, and pipes, and grinders, and,

got your gun here, and you got your switchblade knives.

Well, since you're all havin' a whirl of a time

on some some kind of a hopped-up date,

I believe that we can get this all over relatively simply

and have you people on your way,

so step forward to the bench please.

- Hey, see that? Thanks for understandin', Judge.

You know what I'm saying? (Alvin chuckling)

(woman shouts) (people chattering faintly)

- You take care of this. I'm gonna go out for a smoke.

- Go for a smoke?

Dennis, they've got guns, drugs.

One of them tried to kill ya. I'm staying to watch.

- Okay, I hereby find all parties culpable

in these matters as charged, and so choose to inveigh

the maximum levy for these violations,

and do therefore deem that you be conveyed

to a wholly, oh, awful place of execution,

wherein you shall be put to death.

(gavel bangs) (group cheering)

(gears whirring)

(whimsical music) (group shouting)

(group screaming)

(toys squeaking)

(Fausto speaks in foreign language)

- What's going on?

(Alvin chuckles)

- Yes.

(metal music) (motors starting)

(motors revving)

(indistinct screeching) (motors whirring)

(doors thudding)

(group chattering indistinctly)

- What the hell's goin' on here, huh?

- I'll tell you what, there.

I'll give you all your coke

and your grinders and spoons

and pot, guns and knives, and all that back to you,

when you come out the other end.

(group screaming) ♪ Goin' down ♪

♪ Bonestripper ♪

♪ Ya don't know what ya got until you turn to Mra ♪

♪ Goin' down ♪

♪ Mr. Bonestripper ♪

(group screaming) (gears whirring)

(target dinging)

(man laughing)

- Look, I'm sure these are reasonable people.

They'll have to entertain some kind of an offer.

(footsteps approaching) (locks rustling)

(ominous music)

- They're coming.

- Okay, folks.

(gun cocks) Get up here for supper.

- See? Reasonable people, supper.

(toys squeaking) - Supper.

- A little white wine, arugala salad, maybe some pasta.

(lively music)

(gears whirring)

- Welcome to supper.

How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?

- Thank you, Judge.

You know, there's nothing better

at the end of a long day on the road,

than a nice, warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.

Here's to good friends.

(Diane chuckles nervously) (Renalda groans)

- Does he treat all traffic violators this graciously?

- Only the ones he takes special interest in, like bankers.

Ants on a Log, ma'am?

- Uh. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I'd love one.

- Cousin? - Oh, ants. Oh, yeah, sure.

(footsteps thumping)

- Oh, (clears throat) folks.

I'd like to introduce my granddaughter, Eldona.

She's single and the best Class A mechanic in five states.

- She's adorable, Judge.

- She'd make an ideal wife too.

Genuine wage-earner. (Eldona scoffs)

Struck dumb at birth by a thunderclap.

- My kinda woman.

- I think the two of you'd make a perfect couple.

(Eldona moans)

- You look pretty this evening, sister.

Doing something different with your hair?

(Dennis and Eldona chuckling)

- [Eldona] Hmm.

- Eldona, would you please prepare the meal?

- Mm-hmm. - Thank you, dear.

(Eldona moans)

- Wanna see the wine list? - Young man!

It is basic human politeness

to share your conversation with the whole table.

So what's on your brain?

- Alvin, I was just thinking,

you've got enough, uh, vintage steel around here

to make a few thousand Toyotas.

Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?

- There you go! Does the Pope wear a hat?

Was Sergeant York's mother an angel?

And will a banker grope for money?

- I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.

- Yeah, well, all I know, is in '17,

after they shipped me off to fight,

some New York financier rolled in here one day

and hoglowsered and tubwangled my grandfather

into mining the whole place out,

in exchange for shares in something called

the United Coke Company.

Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?

Just about the finest outhouse wallpaper you've ever seen!

We were forced to become what you drove through today,

a burnt-out coal field, and the biggest icebox graveyard

east of the Ohio foundry belt.

And that's why I never let a banker go.

- So your grandpa made a lousy deal. Is that our problem?

- Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.

- I believe it is.

- You should do a book.

- How do you like your dog, folks?

(crank creaking) (steam hissing)

- They're serving dog?

- No, no, no, hot dogs.

Dutch Country Herefords, prize-winners.

- (chuckles) Hot dog.

- Stadium franks, you know,

like they had before they brought in night games.

- Hmm?

(Diane exclaims softly)

Okay. Let's eat.

(gears whirring) (table thudding)

(lively western music) (toy train whirring)

♪ From the great Atlantic Ocean ♪

♪ To the wide Pacific shore ♪

(Eldona moans) (chuckles)

♪ From the green ol' Smoky mountains ♪

♪ To the south lands on the shore ♪

♪ She's mighty tall ♪ (lively music)

(condiment sloshing)

- Here's how I like 'em,

and I suggest you have 'em the same way.

(Diane chuckles nervously)

(food squelching)

(Diane exclaiming softly)

Go ahead, there, folks.

Fix yourself up a couple of dogs.

(food squelching)

(toy training whirring) (lively western music)

♪ Listen to the jingle, the rumble, and the roar ♪

♪ As she glides along the woodland ♪

♪ O'er the hills and by the shore ♪

♪ Hear the mighty rush of the engine ♪

♪ Hear the lonesome hoboes call ♪

(house rumbling) (glass clinking)

♪ Across the country on that Wabash Cannonball ♪

(record skipping) (objects clattering)

(explosions booming)

(foundation groaning)

- Wha?

Whatt was that?

- Just the mine fire, burnin' since 1926.

Nothing that'll cause us to interrupt our meal. (chuckles)

- He hopes.

- Come on, now, mix up them condiments the way I do!

(device buzzing)

(toy training whirring) (lively western music)

♪ Listen to the jingle, the rumble, and the roar ♪

♪ As she glides along the woodland ♪

♪ O'er the hills and by the shore ♪

♪ Hear the mighty rush of the engine ♪

(spring boings) (whimsical music)

(Alvin laughs) - That's enough.

I'm gonna flip out. Get behind me, baby.

You people are sick, wicked,

funky, misanthropic, codependent animals!

And I won't have my sister,

who was once the queen of the Mardi Gras,

sitting at a table, with a pickle-shooting train!

(Alvin groans softly) - He's right. We gotta go.

(gun cocks) - Ai!

(dramatic music) - Fine.

(Renalda exclaiming) - Come on, baby.

(glass shattering) (both screaming)

(Fausto and Renalda chattering faintly)

(gun firing) (bullets ricocheting)

- Ervilla, put that up. Use the dogs.

- Run! - Bastard!

(gates rattling) (Diane exclaims)

- Take your hand off her!

Ooh! Ah!

That's more like it.

- Eldona, if you would please, show them to their room.

(Eldona hums)

- (groans) Ow! Easy.

(Diane groaning) Where do you work out?

(objects clattering) (whimsical music)

- Those people have no dignity!

- Fausto, you were a hero!

Oh, Fausto, and they had such ugly, ugly food!

(gasps) Fausto, what is that smell?

- It smells like Sao Paulo.

(Renalda gasps)

- Toxics! - Toxics!

- Oh. - Oh, baby, we've got to

swim through that. - Oh, no!

Fausto, Fausto, you're not going

to make me swim through toxics, Fausto!

I cannot believe it!

- Baby, we've got to get to the freeway!

- Ah, no!

- We've got to get to the freeway.

- Fausto, I don't deserve this.

- How could I- - Close your mouth.

- Okay. (water splashing)

Oh, don't let me go!

Oh! (Fausto exclaims)

(both gasping) (water splashing)

(Renadla gagging)

Fausto!

- Come on. Come on, let's-

(siren blaring)

(dog barking)

(whimsical music)

- You haven't got the correct time, have you?

My watch is slow.

(Chris exclaims)

(lock rattling)

(keys jingling) - Hmm!

- [Diane] Whoa.

- [Chris] Let me see if I can get a fire started.

(bright music) - Fausto, we did it.

(both chuckling)

We did it! - We did it, man!

- We did it!

- Carlo Rossi to the Bahamas, man.

- We're going to the Bahamas! - We're going to the Bahamas!

Have a nice time.

We did that. Let's go. - Ai! Ai!

Let's find a road. - We hitch hike to a truck.

- Okay, we hitch hike. - We hitch hike to a truck.

- That is completely- (Dennis clapping)

- Congratulations, folks.

You made it across our gully.

You should get a prize.

- Please, let us go. Let our friends go.

We're rich. We'll give you anything.

- Solid. - Liquid.

- Rich.

- What am I gonna do with money?

All I do is work for the reeve since I was eight.

I got free room and board.

- Only you have the power to help us.

(Renalda whimpers softly)

(train whistle blaring in distance)

Dude, it looks like you need a nice

couple a-weeks holiday, you know?

Nice. Time off from your job.

- (sighs) You peeled the correct banana there.

- Leisure time. Kick back.

Nice. Fish tacos. (dog barking)

(ominous music)

- (sighs) Quick, hide.

- Oh! - Go on.

It's my cousin! Come on!

The original, all-purpose Ditch Witch.

Hide! Get down!

- All of this is about some hustler

who dumped on you, right?

Isn't it?

Well, what about Suntz? Really.

I mean, what were you planning on doing,

when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him?

Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors?

That's a hell of a way to break up with a guy,

if that's what you're doing.

(Diane sighing)

So you picked the wrong guy.

Happens to the best of us.

I've been through this. (gentle music)

You know, when it comes to love,

there's no accounting for taste.

Hell, I used to be married to Imelda Marcos.

(Diane laughs)

You don't have to put yourself through this.

Guy like that's gonna end up burying himself anyway.

He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.

- Oh, I'm just such a jerk.

I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy?

I mean, I'm.

I'm so trusting and so gullible.

I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover.

I mean, I'm such a sucker.

(Diane moaning)

I just love a pretty face.

Oh, it's,

oh, it's so embarrassing.

Oh! Ooh!

I better lie down.

Oh, you're nothing but trouble.

Ooh! Oh. (bed groans)

(ominous music)

(clocks ticking)

(clocks chiming)

(whimsical music) (both screaming)

What the hell are you doing?

- That wasn't me. That was the bed.

(door buzzes) (door creaking)

(eerie music)

Let's get out of here.

(dramatic music)

(indistinct thumping)

(Diane exclaims)

Up here.

Come on.

(door creaks) (door slams)

(Diane gasps) In this room!

(both exclaiming) This way.

There's got to be a way out of here.

- [Diane] Over here.

(dolls crying) - Must be the nursery.

(bats screeching)

(both exclaiming)

(guano dripping)

Bat room. - Ew, guano.

- "Marjorie Valkenheiser. She forgot to duck. "

(wall rumbling)

(suspenseful music)

- Jesus, it's moving! (Diane exclaiming)

- (screams) Oh, no!

No! Oh, oh, no!

(Chris grunting) Oh, oh, oh!

(Diane screaming)

Oh, Jesus. We got to get out of here.

(whimsical music) How far does this go?

- It goes all the way to-

(board thuds) - Oh! Oye!

- (groans) All the way up to here.

- Are you all right? (Chris exclaims)

- [Chris] It's a blind staircase.

Maybe I can, oh! - Let me see. Wait.

- Pull that one. (indistinct)

Got it. Go on.

(safe creaking) (safe rumbling)

Jesus, look out! (suspenseful music)

(Diane exclaiming)

(Diane sighs) You all right?

(Diane exclaiming)

- I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

(light clicks) (Chris grunts)

(ominous music)

(grunts) We're trapped.

- Wow, look at all these IDs.

- (exhales) What is this?

There must be thousands of 'em.

- Passports and Auto Club cards.

Wow, a license, "Virginia Horse and Trappings, 1896."

- "Statewide search for outlaw biker gang underway. "

"Busloads of Hare Krishnas disappears. "

- "Ex-Nazi rocket scientist vanishes, '49."

- All these IDs match the, the news clippings.

Look at this.

"Jimmy Hoffa still missing" and here's his ID.

- Are you kidding?

(Chris scoffs) Oh, wow.

You know, I think they've been doing this

around here since the 1890s,

and I don't see any reason why they're gonna stop at us.

I mean, look at this.

They're all criminals and creeps.

- Bankers.

- Exactly.

- Nah. (scoffs)

(chair creaking)

(dramatic music) (Chris screams)

- What happened? (light clicks)

(both screaming)

(dramatic music)

(flame whirring) (Eldona humming)

(flame hissing)

(sparks crackling)

(lighter flicks)

(train whistle blaring in distance)

(gentle music)

- Oh. I wish we were on that train.

(Chris sighs) - Me too.

- Good luck, slick. (ominous music)

(door buzzes) (door whirring)

(light clicks)

- Hey, look at this, it's a slide.

- Yeah, but this is no playground.

Could be a bed of spikes down there.

(door buzzes) (door whirs)

(Chris groans) - Let's go.

Come on. - Go. You go. Take it slow.

(door whirring) (Diane screaming)

Oh, shit! (exclaims)

Whoa!

(Diane screaming)

(Chris screaming)

(both screaming)

(Chris exclaiming)

Diane! Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Diane!

(both screaming)

Where, why, what, what, when? (exclaims)

Oh, no! (groans)

(bones rattling)

Oh. What the? (exclaims)

(Diane coughing) (whimsical music)

- [Diane] Chris?

(door creaks) Chris?

Come on.

Chris! Chris, you get down here right now!

Come on.

(bones rattling) (Alvin groaning)

♪ Oh, howdy-do-de-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-bum ♪

(Alvin groans)

♪ Ba-ba-boom-bia ♪

(Alvin coughing)

- Oh, yeah. Yes, always was a good-looking fella. (chuckles)

(toupee ripping) (Alvin groaning)

(Alvin humming)

(flesh squelching)

(Alvin humming)

(Alvin grunting)

The Beemer.

(Alvin humming)

(Alvin clears throat)

(Alvin groaning) (Alvin farts)

(whimsical music)

(Diane gasps)

- The Beemer.

(Diane gasps)

Uh-oh.

(Diane gasps) Oh!

(key chain clinks) (ignition rattling)

(Diane sighs)

(phone dialing)

Fantastic.

- [Operator] This is Cell-net One.

The system to which you subscribe has no agreement

with our service. - What?

For you to make- (phone beeps)

(phone thuds)

- [Man] Gee, we have to finish this work

for Grandpa Alvin, okay?

(metal clanks)

- [Man] We're always working for him.

He treats us like we're his dogs, not his grandsons.

We got no human rights. (metal clanks)

He's just mad that we both got so fat, we couldn't

finish high school. (metal clanking)

- [Man] You're the fat one,

because you always eat too much cereal.

- [Man] You're the one who's fat.

- [Man] Not as fat as you.

- You're the fat one. - No, I'm not.

- [Man] Look, just get the hammer.

- [Man] I got it.

(metal clanking)

- Can't you hold that straight?

- Hey. You're the one who's forging.

Can't you even see?

- I can see you're stupidest!

- Oh, that's it!

(steam hissing) I am never working for you

in this foundry again.

Never!

- [Man] Give me that. Go get a ball-peen hammer.

- No!

- You know, the one that's round on the end.

- I know the ball-peen hammer's round.

He thinks I'm his child!

(metal rattling) (Diane exclaiming)

Oh! Trespasser!

Get her! Get her! (whimsical music)

Oh!

- Stop, trespasser, stop!

(Diane screaming)

(Diane screams) (Eldona laughs)

- Uh. Hi. (ominous music)

- Eldona's got her. (Eldona laughing)

- That's good. - Yes, that's good.

Eldona's got her. (Diane exclaiming)

- That's not good. - No, that's no good.

(Diane screaming)

- No! What are you doing?

- No, Eldona, no! - Please stop!

Oh! No, no, no!

(flames roaring) (suspenseful music)

- No! Don't do it! - No! What are you doing?

- No, no, no!

- Don't throw her in the mine fire vent please!

- We just wanna play with her. (whimsical music)

Ooh, thank you. (Diane exclaiming)

Thank you. - Thank you.

- Yes, yes, yes. I know, I know.

We won't lose her.

Hi. I'm Bobo.

That's L'il Debbull.

- Hi. We're not allowed in the house.

(Diane fainting)

- Oh. Is she okay?

(clock ticking) (ominous music)

(Alvin snoring)

(radio crackling)

- [Ervilla] Judge Valkenheiser.

Judge! - What? (groans)

- [Ervilla] I got some speeders! I'm bringin' them in.

I'll meet you in the courtroom.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep all your fat parts in one place.

I'll be right down.

♪ Oh, baby, you hit me like thunder ♪

♪ Get over, get onto, get into ♪

♪ To love you is always a sin to ♪

♪ Get up or get over, get under ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you hit me like thunder ♪

♪ Get over, get onto, get into ♪ - Alright, that's it, fellas.

Right up the stairs. Right up there.

Here we are, gentlemen.

Come along. Join the party.

Thank you very much.

Come on. Everybody comes.

(people chattering faintly)

- Man, would you look at this place?

It's like extremely Draculated.

- White man's heaven.

- [Ervilla] One at a time. Here we are.

We're home. Let's go.

One, two, three. Lickety-split.

- She is one ugly, cross-burnin',

redneck, peckerwood police bitch, man.

- All right, move.

(whimsical music) (Alvin groans)

- A good man's work is never done.

(Alvin grunting)

Sat around all day,

listening to all those stories.

Why, I wanna relax and just. (gears whirring)

(bones rattling) (Chris grunting)

(ominous music)

(Alvin grunting)

- "Village Reeve Hurt in Foundry Blast. "

So that's what happened to the poor, old, ugly pus-bag.

- I thought I took care of my vermin problem last year!

(suspenseful music) - No!

- I'm glad I forgot my pistol.

(both grunting)

(metal clanks) (Alvin laughing)

- Bad call, corn flake.

I left that leg in France.

And now, I'm gonna stick you!

- You're crazy! - I'm gonna dig so many

new holes in you, (liquid sloshing)

you're gonna look like a salt shaker!

(Alvin groaning) (metal clanking)

Get your Italian loafers out of my bedpan! (exclaims)

(Alvin groaning) (Chris exclaims)

- You crazy! Crazy!

(Alvin groaning)

- I'm gonna make you cry now, boy.

- Chew on this, you stinking relic!

- My skunk!

(Chris grunts) (Chris exclaims)

(bones snapping) (Chris exclaims)

You know, you are worse than a week of yellow shit storms.

First, I find you rooting around in my private things.

Now you're making advances against my little granddaughter.

- I was just trying to get away from you.

I ran into her, okay?

- Well, she's got your taint on her now.

- (sighs) Taint.

- No choice but house policy.

- Fine. House policy.

What's house policy?

- Well, whatever man touches her is the one she keeps.

- What? (Eldona moans)

What are you talking?

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

Oh, no. Wait a minute! (whimsical music)

Wait a minute!

I just went through a goddamn stop sign.

I just wanna get to Atlantic City. Please, judge.

- She'll know what to do with him. (laughs)

(record skipping) (eerie orchestral music)

- [Man] What the hell is that?

(gears whirring) (Alvin coughing)

- Okay, what's goin' on? Boy!

(group exclaiming) Oh, 12:30, isn't it?

It's kind of late.

I was dreaming there, I was back in France on furlough.

Step forward, Constable. What are the charges here?

- Speedin'.

75 in a 50. In a hearse.

- (groans) If it's an ambulance, you got a chance.

If it's in a hearse, gotta be worse. (laughs)

(people chattering faintly)

Okay.

Oh, this is a union card, huh?

What are you, mine workers?

(people laughing) - Nah, man. We're musicians.

We're a hip-hop band.

See what I'm sayin'?

- Hip-hop? Musicians?

So youse, uh, youse all musicians, huh?

- [Humpty] Yeah. Deejays.

- Constable, you search the vehicle?

- Oh, yes, sir, I did.

It contains musical items.

- Well, I, uh,

well,

I'd better see 'em.

Bring 'em all in. Set 'em up.

Let me see 'em.

- All right. Let's go.

(record player whirring)

(record skips) (lively music)

♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

(chains rattling) ♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

♪ Big girls ♪

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ They don't cry ♪

♪ Big girls ♪

♪ Oh my ♪

♪ Who said they don't cry ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ Said goodbye ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

♪ My girl ♪

- Eldona, you know he's not supposed

to see you on this special day.

- Special day?

What is it, Halloween?

♪ Told my girl we had to break up ♪

- Right this way, Mr. Snappy Comeback.

♪ Would call my bluff ♪ ♪ Silly boy ♪

♪ When she said to my surprise ♪

♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

(Eldona humming)

- [L'il Debbull] Hey, after this, you can see us

do our tag team wrestling show, okay?

- Three. - Okay.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- Two.

(all shouting)

I win. My deal. - No, no, no, no.

Bobo wins, because Bobo's hand was on top.

- Yeah. My hand's on top.

I win. My deal.

- No, I won. My deal.

- My hand's on top.

My deal. I win.

- That's right, L'il Debbull.

It's Bobo's deal, because Bobo's hand was on top.

- Ah. - Yeah, my hand was on top.

I win. My deal. - Okay.

- Okay. - If I win again, I get

another bowl of cereal.

- And if I win, I get Diane.

(L'il Debbull chuckles)

- No, L'il Debbull.

- My deal.

- Okay, Bobo. Deal 'em. (hands clapping)

(owl hooting) (insects chirping)

- [Humpty] Drop the beat, J.

(hip-hop music)

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ I came for the party ♪

♪ To get naughty, get my rocks on ♪

♪ Eat popcorn, watch you move your body ♪

♪ To the pop song that I'm singin' ♪

♪ Ding-a-lingin', funky beat's ringin' ♪

♪ Everybody swingin' in the place ♪

♪ As I kick the J-A-Z-Z-Y style ♪

♪ R&b mixin' it with the hip-hop swing beat ♪

♪ Champagne in my hand, it won't be long ♪

♪ 'Til I'm gone ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ It's just a free style ♪

♪ Meanwhile we'll keep the beat kickin' ♪

♪ Sweat drippin' ♪

♪ Girlies in the limo eating chicken ♪

♪ Oops, don't get the grease on your panty hose ♪

♪ I love you, rover, move over, I gotta blow my nose ♪

♪ Sneezin', but still I'm pleasin' all the slimmies ♪

♪ Pull out my Jimmy ♪

♪ Time to get busy with a Jenny ♪

♪ If it's good and plenty, don't you know ♪

♪ There I go, there I go, there I go ♪

♪ But I don't go nowhere without my gym hat ♪

♪ When I'm rappin', as if she's clappin', then I'm strappin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm smarter than that ♪

♪ And then, girlie, maybe we can get along ♪

♪ Cutie after cutie ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

♪ All around the world, same song ♪

(gavel banging)

- Yes. (laughs) (women chattering faintly)

Yep.

You sure are a gaggle of musicians, sure enough.

(men chuckling)

And now, the disposition of your case.

(ominous music)

Uh, gather in a little closer there.

That's right. Right there. Yeah.

In light of your contribution to the common good,

I hereby waive all fines, suspend all sentence.

You're free to go.

(group cheering)

Uh, huh, hey, hold the harvest.

There is another matter before the shire court this evening,

and, uh, well, youse all might be able to help.

(ominous music)

(doors creaking)

- Where's Diane? - Oh, she went home.

Listen, I got something better for you.

First, I think you oughta know something.

In many cases here,

I do often choose to inveigh the maximum levy.

Frequently, undesirables are put to death.

- Oh, sure, I can understand that, Judge,

but come on, death for running a stop sign?

- And for being a banker. That's the double death.

However, I'd be willing to cast aside all findings,

be blind to your banker's blood,

let you live out your days here

as husband to my granddaughter,

father to her child and heir to my seat.

- Wha? What are you saying?

It's death or Eldona?

- Oh, come on, lad. Take her hand.

Warm my tired old heart.

I know women. She loves you.

Ever since she saw you,

she's been floating around like milkweed in a spring breeze.

- Mm-hmm.

- Make her happy.

Take care of her needs,

and you'll inherit a fortune Ali Baba would crave.

(Chris chuckles nervously)

- Listen, Judge. (chuckles)

Uh.

You know, (stammer) I've spent some time alone with her,

and she's a spectacular woman.

She's quiet but, uh, just shy, just shy.

- Mute. - Ah.

But, Judge, as far as her needs are concerned,

I could never presume to be able to fill them.

- Oh, you can slip on a pud collar.

Now, let me get you out of these cuffs and chains,

and everything, I'll get you all married up,

and we'll welcome you to this family

with an all-night reel.

- No cuffs, huh? - No cuffs.

(Chris sighs)

- Pud collar.

Well, I must say, it sounds awfully tempting.

- Hit it! - Yo.

Drop it, J. (hip-hop music)

That's it. Begin.

Yo.

What it be? What it be?

♪ We'll tie the knot ♪

♪ Tie, tie the knot ♪

- In her own way, she's kind of special, isn't she?

- You'll never have car trouble.

♪ Da-Da-da-da ♪

♪ Kick it y'll ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

(woman giggles)

- Okay. (clears throat)

The district and commonwealth,

hereby duly recognizing the will and wish

of a man and woman,

to enter the holy and life-binding state of matrimony,

(Eldona moans)

herewith confirm that you, Eldona Marjorie Valkenheiser,

do take to husband, one Christopher Lawrence Thorne.

- [Eldona] Hmm.

(Chris exclaims) Mmm!

- And you, Christopher Lawrence Thorne,

confirm that you do take to wife

one Eldona Marjorie Valkenheiser?

- [Eldona] Hmm.

(Chris muttering) - Pardon?

(Chris babbling) What? Speak up!

- I do. I do.

(Eldona moans) - This office so recognizes

and certifies this union

and declares that you are now wedded man and wife.

(gavel bangs) (group cheering)

You may kiss the bride.

- Yeah! (people chattering faintly)

- Well, Judge, they'll be plenty of time

for that on the honeymoon.

- You may kiss the bride.

- No, not in front of all these people, Your Honor.

- Now!

(Eldona moans) (Chris exclaims)

(group cheering) - Yo, way to go, homeboy!

- All right, so let's get out of here

before the old man changes his mind, all right?

- Yeah, okay. - Wait, wait! Help me!

- We're out of here. - Wait! Help me!

- These are dangerous people. - Come on, man.

It'll be all right. - No!

- It'll be all right. - No please!

- I was nervous at my wedding too.

- No! No please! - Never mind him.

He's just got the wedding night jitters.

It's okay, just go on out

the way you came. - They're maniacs!

I'll open the gate and flip the bridge for you.

- You be cool, man.

- Hey, well, bye. You weak-livered puffball!

(dramatic music)

Damn city-workin', yuppity well wallet!

Look how you hurt my granddaughter!

Ah, you ain't family material anyway.

- No, Judge. Aw, come on, Judge.

(gears whirring) No, I tell ya, I wasn't.

No, judge! Why?

(exclaims) Ah, Judge, ah!

Wait! Whoa, Nelly!

Aw, come on, Judge! No!

- So long, Charlie!

(doors creaking) (metal music)

- Come on, all right? What the hell is this now?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh please, god!

- Guaranteed you're gonna enjoy this ride!

- [Chris] Oh, god! Oh!

- [Alvin] I'm of the school that believes

the last 30 seconds of a person's life

ought to have a little zip in 'em.

- [Chris] Oh, Judge! Hey, listen, I'm sorry I called!

(Chris screaming)

♪ Goin' down ♪ ♪ Down ♪

♪ Bonestripper ♪ ♪ You ain't seen nothin' yet ♪

- Oh please! Oh please, God, no!

♪ You're goin' down ♪

♪ Mister ♪ ♪ Bonestripper ♪

(Chris grunting)

- Judge, I'm sorry, please!

Oh, no, (stammers) I love Eldona!

I love your granddaughter!

She's beautiful! Oh!

Oh, no! My, hey!

(motor revving)

Please, God, help!

Please, God, stop!

(metal clanking) (Chris shouting)

Oh, no! Please, God!

Oh please!

(pipe whistling)

(pipe farts) (target dings)

(bones rattling) Oh, God.

Oh please, dear lord!

Please.

Please, God, I.

Thank you, lord.

(whimsical music)

- Oh. - Damn thing blew a belt.

- Tell Eldona to go and fix it.

- Easy on her, Grandpa. She's mighty broke up.

- Oh yeah. - I'll get him.

- Don't let him get away!

Bring that girl out to the Gradertine.

- [Chris] Diane? Diane?

(country music) ♪ I mean, I mean, I mean ♪

♪ I mean I love you ♪

♪ I dream, I dream, I dream ♪

♪ I dream all night of you ♪

♪ Oh, kiss, oh, kiss, oh, kissity kiss ♪

(motors starting) (dramatic music)

(motors whirring)

- Come on! Eldona!

(Eldona hums)

(Eldona hums)

(metal clanks)

- Okay! (Bobo chuckling)

(blades whirring) (blades thudding)

(Diane screams) (Diane chuckles nervously)

- You go on, get out of here! (whimsical music)

Get out of here, you big slushbag!

Go on back to your hole.

(Diane chuckles nervously)

Excuse my grandkids.

They're all spoiled pulp rotten!

- That's right. - Too much too easy too soon.

- Yeah, kids today, I know.

- Thanks.

- Want a mint candy?

Oh, uh. No, no.

- Missy, I sure do hate to cut and shuffle

a fine little muffet like you.

- Oh, yeah, me too. - But I will,

if Joe Polo don't show!

Now, he hurt my family. - Ah, okay.

Now, child, you'll walk free, scot-free, right outta here.

You just get on the two-way now

and tell Mr. High-class to come on in.

- Okay, I'll talk to him.

I'll talk to him right now. - Okay. All right.

(steam hissing) (all exclaims)

- [Ervilla] You okay, Judge?

(steam hissing) - See?

- Wow. (air blowing)

- You see that?

Now somebody's gotta pay

for the way they sapped this ground.

- You want your pills? - Ah, I'm all right.

Hey, hotworm!

Listen!

We got your pretty little girlfriend down here,

ready to go on the Gradertine for a quartering.

But, because she's a bright-eyed, smart-lookin' type,

I'm willing to make a trade.

You lie down in her place, she goes free.

We'll all be happy, including you.

Here, here, you tell 'em.

Where the hell's that dog-food-eatin'

grandson of mine, anyway?

Dennis! Here, you talk.

What's going on with him, anyway?

What, is somebody not giving him his napalm?

Is he all over. - Uh, Chris?

Hi. Um, it's Diane.

Um, listen.

Run! Run for your life!

Save yourself! Tell the world about this place!

Just touch. (gags)

- Oh, boy.

You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl.

You got five minutes to come on in,

or she gets cut and shuffled.

Fine, now, no gallantry and no suicide stunts.

You just come on in.

Come on, now. Be a real man.

Surprise yourself.

(Chris grunting)

Save the woman.

Give yourself up for the girl.

(chuckles) She'll cry over you for weeks.

What's the matter, boy?

(chuckles) Ain't she worth it?

- All right, you old liver spot.

(dramatic music)

- Sorry about this, Diane.

But we have to tie you down, like Grandpa Alvin says.

- I wish it was him we were tying down

instead of you. - Yeah.

We don't like him, but we love you.

- This is a classic case of a dysfunctional family.

I mean, you should consider some help, some therapy.

- He won't go!

- Okay, cowboy. Last chance saloon.

I'm gonna count down from 10.

If I don't hear your voice by the time I get to one,

I'm gonna cut her! (Diane screams)

- Oh, don't! Oh! No! - Eldona, get them blades up.

(Eldona hums)

- Eldona, hey, listen.

You wanna, why don't we go to New York?

I'll take you to Elizabeth Arden.

We could do a lot. - 10!

- Guys! Get me outta here!

- [Alvin] Nine.

Come on, now, banker!

Eight.

What's wrong with this little girl here?

She a bad kisser or something?

Seven. (Diane screaming)

- [Diane] Chris, I really didn't mean

for you to save yourself!

Get your ass back down here and save me!

(lighter flicks) - Six.

- [Diane] Chris, get down here!

- [Alvin] You ain't giving me much choice, boy.

Five. All right, now, boy! - Please, Chris!

- Last chance saloon!

Four. (Diane screams)

- Don't! - Three.

(Diane screams) Two.

(Diane screams) One.

(explosion booming) (Diane screams)

(men exclaiming)

(Diane exclaiming)

(Diane screams) - Diane!

- Help me! - It's me.

- Oh, God. Hurry, get my hands.

- Hurry! - Let's get outta here.

Hold on. - Oh, my god!

- It'll be all right. - Get my hands!

What the hell took you so long?

Okay, oh, get me out.

Oh, I knew you'd save me.

- [Bobo] I think I dirtied my diaper.

- [Diane] Oh, get me the hell out of here, Chris!

- He's fly-dickin' with me!

Eldona, drop those blades!

Get him! Get him! (Diane screams)

- Shit!

(dramatic music)

- Hey!

(Diane exclaims) - Get 'em! Get 'em!

Get 'em! (gun fires)

- Who are the infant bodies?

- Bobo and L'il Debbull.

They're not allowed in the house.

(engine revving) - Hit that spotlight,

okay? - Okay.

- So what do you play when you go to Atlantic City?

Blackjack? Craps?

- [L'il Debbull] Got to find them!

(explosion booming)

(Diane exclaims)

- I don't think they saw us.

Come on. - Okay.

- Excuse me. Coming through.

(grunts) Sorry.

Excuse me.

(train whistle blaring in distance)

Aw, we'll never get across this.

- Oh, no. Let's head towards the train.

Come on, through the woods.

- Smells like Sao Paulo.

- [Man] Who's that man that was with her?

- [Man] I don't know.

- [Man] I don't know, neither, but she got away.

- [Man] You're the one that was supposed to be watching her.

- [Man] Diane is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

- [Man] I feel stupid.

- [Woman] Bobo, shut up and drive!

- [Man] There they are!

On the hill!

- [Man] Get 'em before they get to the top!

Stop them!

(gun firing)

Okay.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hey! - Hold on!

Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! (train roaring)

- Hey! (dramatic music)

- Now!

Come on!

- I'm with you. - Right!

Come on, reach!

You can do it! Come on!

- I can't make it.

- Trust me.

Come on, reach out!

Come on. That's it!

(dramatic music)

(gun firing)

- Damn it! That's it!

How did I miss that one?

- We gotta get some help.

- As soon as the train stops,

we'll get off and call the police.

- You saved my life. Thanks.

- It was worth it.

(romantic music)

(train chugging)

(dramatic music)

- Bye, Diane! - Diane.

- Bye-bye! - Bye, Diane.

(both sobbing)

- Then we had that spinning bed,

the door flew up, and we came, got up into that, uh, attic.

- Up in the attic.

- With the newspapers and the, all those licenses, and then.

- Yeah, that's pretty much where we found all the licenses.

- And then, and the newspaper clippings.

- We kind of sat down, which matched each other.

- And had a cigar.

We were smoking a, relaxing, and.

- Yeah, there was no way to know, I mean.

- All of the.

- It said Hoffa was still missing.

- What was that?

- As far as we knew, he was still there.

- An escape hatch, or whatever?

- Oh, we ended up in a tunnel.

- Anyway, this door opened, and we went flying.

Bobo and L'il Debbull saved me.

- Luckily, I was able to hear it.

- And we climbed the cliff,

till we got on the train,

right after the fuel dump explosion.

We think maybe the Brazillionaires have been killed.

That's dead.

- You folks, of course, will have to come with us

for identification purposes.

- Wait a minute.

This man removed his nose and upper teeth,

three inches in front of my face,

and started crooning like Bing Crosby.

I'd like to help out,

but I'm pretty sure I can pick him out in a lineup,

you know what I mean?

- We could do it.

- We?

(frantic dramatic music)

(people chattering faintly)

- This is the state attorney general.

We have a warrant to search these premises.

- Why don't you just blast your way in?

- First, we have to serve the warrant to someone.

- You know, I bet we could get them to come out.

- Us?

- You know, Miss Lightson doesn't have a bad idea there.

Well, I suppose it's worth a try,

if you two are up to it.

- It'd be our pleasure.

- Wait a minute. Wait.

Can't wait to see his face when he gets a load of this.

(dramatic music)

- Okay.

(doorbell rings) (cat hisses)

(door creaking)

- Yes?

Well, what's going on here?

Who are you?

Why are you bothering an old man?

- You're through, Judge.

Oh, you kids better look out behind you.

There's a bee's nest.

- [Crowd] Hi, Judge Alvin!

- Evening, troopers!

Can't go too far in this part of the world,

without running across my friends.

(crowd laughing)

- Alvin is something, isn't he?

And of course we can't admit

that we appreciate the way he gets things done.

And since you know what you know,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to come to some kind of a-

(ground rumbling) (dramatic music)

(crowd shouting)

- It's the coal fire!

The seams are giving way!

Run for your lives!

(light shattering)

(building rumbling)

- Come on, grab me! Grab me!

I'm not gonna lose you now! Come on!

Gotcha.

(Diane screams)

- Hey, what's all that shaking?

- I don't know.

I didn't do anything.

(woman screaming)

- You all right? - Yeah.

My Beemer! Get in!

- No. Come on, it won't start.

It's got a fuel cut-off switch.

It's part of the alarm system.

(engine starting)

- No seat belts.

- No roof.

(tires squealing)

(car crashing)

(intense dramatic music)

(building crashing)

- Oh, my!

(people shouting)

- Ai Fausto.

That was the most adventurous weekend of my entire life.

- When I think about what happened in Valkenvania,

I would do it again.

- Not me.

- I was like James Bond.

Don't worry, Dennis.

Now that you are head of our personal security-

- And my lover.

- Dude, your life's gonna be fantastic.

- And don't you worry.

No one's gonna touch you or my little Flora de la Luna.

- Ooh.

Dennis, listen to me.

(Mike whistling)

(Chris babbling indistinctly)

- Hey, Chris?

Chris, hey, hey, hey!

It's okay. It's okay.

Take it easy. I think you're just having a little napmare.

- Oh. Oh.

It's over?

- Oh, yeah, it's over.

You're okay, we're safe.

- Oh, god. - Take it easy.

- Oh, jeez, what a weekend.

- Yeah, no kidding.

But it's okay.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Just rest. - I'll rest.

- Okay.

- [Chris] I'm gonna watch a little TV.

- [reporter[ Numerous fire companies from New York,

New Jersey, Ohio, and all neighboring states

are barely able to handle the subterranean mine fire

near the town of Valkenvania.

- Diane, you should see this.

- [Reporter] Our Susan Campost is on the scene.

- Roger, this cloud may have a silver lining.

Geologists say the brief, but intense heat from fissures

10 miles below have cooked the upper coal tailings

into a fine, medium-grade crude, over 50 million barrels.

Wait, just, just one second, Roger.

I see one of the village residents

rummaging through the remains.

Excuse me, sir, how do you feel

now that you have lost everything?

- At least we all got out alive.

Of course, there's nothing left for us here now,

so we're all planning to move in with my grandson-in-law.

- Oh, no! - He lives in New York City.

- Oh, come on, what?

No!

- See you soon, banker!

- No, what? (screams)

(wall crashing) (whimsical music)

No, you won't.

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ I came for the party to get naughty ♪

♪ Get my rocks on ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Eat popcorn ♪

♪ Watch you move your body ♪

♪ To the pop song that I'm singin' ♪

♪ Ding-a-lingin' ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Funky beat's ringin' ♪

♪ Everybody swingin' in the place ♪

♪ As I kick the J-A-Z-Z-Y style ♪

♪ R & B mixin' it with the hip-hop swing beat ♪

♪ Champagne in my hand ♪

♪ It won't be long 'til I'm gone ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ It's just a free style ♪

♪ Meanwhile we'll keep the beat kickin' ♪

♪ Same song ♪ ♪ Sweat dripping ♪

♪ Girlies in the limo eating chicken ♪

♪ Oops, don't get the grease on your panty hose ♪

♪ I love you, rover, move over ♪

♪ I got to blow my nose ♪

♪ Sneezin' but still I'm pleasin' all the slimmies ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Pull out my Jimmy time to get busy with a Jenny ♪

♪ If it's good and plenty, don't you know ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ There I go, there I go, there I go ♪

♪ But I don't go nowhere without my gym hat ♪

♪ When I'm rappin' as if she's clappin' ♪

♪ Then I'm strappin', 'cause I'm smarter than that ♪

♪ And then, girlie, maybe we can get along ♪

♪ Same song ♪ ♪ Cutie after cutie ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ It's the same old song, y'all ♪

♪ Oh, it's all around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Ah, it's just the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's all around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Money-B, the freaky deke ♪

♪ Squeaky-lickin' you up and down ♪

♪ Well, as a matter of fact, I'll be right back ♪

♪ I gotta take a leak ♪

♪ So while I'm drainin', entertain 'em ♪

♪ But I got fame, and the bases are touched ♪

♪ Too much for me to try to be namin' ♪

♪ Hey, yo, you saw me on cable and grinnin' ♪

♪ I busted in, and I was goin' to win ♪

♪ Like Clark Gable back in Oakland, it's the same old song ♪

♪ This sporty shorty, same freckles and hat ♪

♪ Drinking the same formula ♪

♪ Hypothetical, political, lyrical ♪

♪ Miracle Whip, just like butter ♪

♪ My rhymes are legit ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a humpty, not Humpty Dumpty ♪

♪ But Humpty Hump ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Here a hump, there a hump ♪

♪ Everywhere a Humpty Hump ♪

♪ Aw, shut up and just listen ♪

♪ Not dissin', don't get me wrong ♪

♪ But to me it's just the same old song ♪

♪ So just watch, 'cause my name is shock ♪

♪ I like to rock, and you can't stop this ♪

♪ 2Pac, go ahead and rock this ♪

♪ Now I clown around when I hang around with the underground ♪

♪ Girls that used to frown, say I'm down when I come around ♪

♪ Gas me and when they pass me ♪

♪ They used to diss me, harass me ♪

♪ But now they ask me if they can kiss me ♪

♪ Get some fame, people change ♪

♪ wanna live their life, ha ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song, can't go wrong ♪

♪ If I play the nice guy ♪

♪ Claim to fame must have changed ♪

♪ Now that we became strong ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ I remain still the same ♪ ♪ Why, 2 ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the same song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ It's the same old song, y'all ♪

♪ Then all around the world, y'all ♪

♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Hey, get out, get out ♪

♪ Shake hands, shout out ♪

♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Get out, style ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪

♪ Ah, yeah, Humpty Hump in the house, y'all ♪

♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪ ♪ And you know what ♪

♪ It's the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪

♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ The same song ♪

♪ The same song ♪