Original subtitles

- [Nadine] This is a story about seven very

different people who went lookin' for love and ended

up gettin' more than we bargained for.

(upbeat jazz music)

(video game pinging)

(firearms shooting)

(upbeat jazz music)

(video game pinging)

(papers shuffling)

(sighing)

- Give me a call when you get on the ferry.

- Of course.

(door creaking)

Oh, forgot to mention last night, Mum wants you

to phone her.

Somethin' about the weddin'.

- Okay.

- [Terry] Talk to you later, baby.

- [Gabriella] Hello, Nadine, it's me, Mum.

I thought I'd call to wish you good luck

with your date tonight, hmm?

Now, make yourself look really pretty, won't you?

Wear, wear something nice, hmm?

Don't overdo it, you know?

And don't talk too much.

Be a good listener.

That's always important.

Find out what he's interested in and talk about that.

Don't talk about yourself too much.

Your sisters and brother found partners easily enough,

and well, once you find the right man, well, you know?

(gagging)

I mean look at Lorna, she's all set up now.

(spitting)

(meowing)

And anyway, I just, well, oh,

I really hope this man works out for you.

We're all dying to meet him.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You have to go see him.

(sighing)

- Mr. Cairns, I promise it won't happen again.

- What are you wearin'?

- Shit.

(zipping)

(door thunking)

- Well, you know I'll need to make a report.

- [Gordy] Mr. Cairns?

- Mr. Braithwaite isn't as reasonable as I am, Gordon.

If he were to find out the number of times I've turned

a blind eye, it'd be my neck on the block.

We'll talk about this later.

You've got letters to deliver.

Go on.

(bluesy jazz music)

(paper crinkling)

- [Fiona] Oh, Susan, I'm waitin' for the repair man.

Any chance that lot could wait?

- Life doesn't just stop just because

you can't get it together.

Copy girl.

(Italian folk music)

(whining)

- Can I help you?

- Oh, Carlo, wonder what I did wrong.

I looked good, I mean really good.

I smelled good, too.

I sat with my legs crossed in the car.

I didn't snort when I laughed.

Oh.

It's too hard being me.

- What did you talk about?

- Hmm?

Oh, listen to me prattling on about having children.

I mean, we'd have to get married first.

My mum would kill me if I got pregnant before I got married.

Oh, she's off her head, my mum.

Oh, in a good way, though.

Not in a stereotypical Sicilian horses head

in your bed way.

Really intense, though, especially when it comes to family.

Oh, she can't wait to have more grandchildren.

My sister has one on the way.

She was really pleased when I told her about you.

Called the family in Italy.

Oh, they can't wait to meet you--

- Look, I'm just gonna nip off to the, yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Hmm.

- Right, so, you were a little intense.

- No, Carlo, you don't get it.

When I say he left the table, I meant it.

Gone?

Oh, no, he just went to the...

I mean, I was just discussin' possibilities.

I scared him, didn't I?

- Yeah, but right now, that's the least of your worries.

- Well?

- It's none of your business.

- She's hiding something.

(exhaling)

- I am not hiding something.

- (gasping) Nadine!

Sit down, and tell us all about it.

(sighing)

(horror organ music)

- Shit!

(dog growling and whining)

Morning, Mrs. Livingston.

- Afternoon, more like.

What excuse do you have for that

(inhaling)

filthy mouth of yours?

(sighing)

For her.

- I'm sorry.

- Not my job.

(laughing)

- No worries.

(door clanging)

(sighing)

Sure she'll appreciate you opening it for her.

(jazz music)

(sighing)

Fast Romance Speed Dating Service.

Speed Datin'?

(mail slot creaking)

(pen clicking)

- It has not gone pear shaped.

It's just nobody's business.

- We're only asking.

- It's called privacy, Mum.

I am not a child.

- No, you're a grown woman, all of whose brothers

and sisters--

- Are happily married with children.

Yes, Mum, I know.

- Look, people are starting to talk, Nadine.

- Look, he said he'd call, okay.

- [Natalie] Oh, when?

- [Nadine] I don't know, Natalie, we'll just have

to wait and see.

- He's not going to call!

He's not gonna call, Jameel.

- Don't worry, Mum.

Annabelle and I have devised a backup plan.

- Oh?

- Oh, stupid shitting, bum twatting, pishy machine!

- [Michael] Hello?

- Hi, Michael.

(giggling)

- Usual problem?

- Yeah, I was lookin' for a screw.

(sighing)

- In that case, I'm just the man you're looking for.

(laughing)

- [Nadine] Oh, thanks.

See you later.

- Bye.

- Hi, there. - Hi, there.

- That's everything? - That's all, thanks.

- Lisa, that's great.

- Thank you, bye. - Bye.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Can I help you?

- Could I have a...

Could I have a...

- A latte?

A cuppa tea?

A cake?

Crispy cake?

Hamburger?

- Ah...

- A motorbike?

A spacesuit?

A fire engine?

- Just a latte, thanks.

(laughing)

- Of course, he stood up in front of everyone and said it,

so he can't back out of any of this stuff--

- [Fiona] No.

- Hello.

- [Michael] Oh, Susan, how are you doing?

- Hi.

- Listen, I better get going.

Otherwise, I'm never gonna make it to Bellshill

before rush hour.

- Bellshill?

Really?

I live near there.

I could finish early.

Give me five minutes.

You can take me all the way.

- Sure, no problem.

Listen, any more problems with this thing,

just give me a shout.

See ya later.

- I'm gonna be pure flyin' tonight.

What time's it at?

- I think the guys are meetin' about seven.

- And you'll be sticking to the lemonades, hey Gordon.

You gotta be up early.

- I'm not going to a pub, Mr. Cairns.

I'm going skiing, at the Snozone.

You can come if you like.

- Aye, well, I appreciate the offer, boys,

but I think I'll give it a bye, eh?

- Are you?

(sighing)

- What?

(saxophone jazz music)

- I'm doing it.

If I hadn't answered the phone, I'd be in by now.

Yes, I'm wearing the jumper. - Speed dating?

Seriously?

- Look, it's no big deal, I just thought that..

- Look, I've got to go.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Bye.

- Just leave it, okay?

Hi, Mr. Cairns.

- All right?

- Hey, Mr. C!

- Didn't think you fancied coming?

- I changed my mind.

Fancied a night on the piste after all.

(snickering)

- Gibson's not gonna be happy about this.

(rhythmic rock music)

♫ I dress like the calvary

♫ After the South had fallen

♫ I live in a battle field

♫ Well, that's what the street man calls it

♫ I'm a long, long way

- What time are we meeting the others?

- Not 'til ages yet.

We're meeting them at 10.

- If she doesn't chill out it's not going

to be much of a hen night.

Come on, Lorna, this is your do!

- I'd better get back.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Yeah, I love you too, babe, bye.

- Are you okay, Lorna?

- Terry's pissing me off.

Says he's not going to get back until the day

before the rehearsal.

- Think on the bright side.

- What bright side?

- Just think of all that extra money.

You could go mad on your honeymoon.

- Right.

We need to get into party mode, come on.

- Yeah!

Woo woo!

Woo woo!

(laughing)

- What the fuck?

- [Brian] Who's that?

- Kenny fucking Cairns.

- So that's Kenny Cairns.

What'd you invite him for?

- I didn't invite him.

- All right, lads?

- Hi, Mr. Cairns. - Hey. Mr. Cairns.

- Fergus.

Sean.

Well, better get kitted up, eh?

- Hi, thirty six chest please.

- Aye.

Sorry, last in your size.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You've got to be fucking kidding me.

- That guy looks like a dildo.

- [Annabelle] Nasty.

- You look like an allsort.

- Aye, cheers.

For the confidence.

- Tally ho!

- Hope you break your neck.

- You okay, Gordy?

- No problemo.

I've done this before, on a school trip in 1994.

Oh!

Oh!

- [Kid] Hey, you're shite!

(screaming)

- You okay, Gordy?

(laughing)

- And she's like what?

And I'm like HongKongPingPong.com baby.

HongKongPingPong.com!

(laughing)

- I gotta check this out.

Who's got a pen?

- HongKongPingPong...

You have got to be fucking joking!

Check it out!

Speed dating!

(laughing)

- Look, it's just a pen.

- He's going Sunday night.

- [Sean] You loser!

- I'm not the one who's writing porn sites on the back

of his hand.

- I'm not the one who's writing porn sites on the back

of my hand.

It's sad, end of.

- That's just his opinion Gordon, pay no attention.

- Aye?

Okay lads, Kenny thinks speed dating is cool.

Put your hand up if you think it's for losers.

Just get the drinks in, Kenny, and we'll leave it at that.

- Okay, who wants what?

- Malt double.

(mumbling)

And get some crisps for the lads.

- That was well out of order.

- Who invited him?

You, you little prick?

This is my do.

- You weren't complaining a minute ago.

You just ordered a five quid drink.

- Since when did you give a toss?

This time next week you might be unemployed because of him.

- [Gordy] Oh, don't start, Sean.

- The guy's a loser, Gordy.

He's got the personality of a sweaty bollock.

His wife left him for the insurance man and he's living

with his old mum!

But no, he's your best new pal.

Kenny, Gordy was wondering if you'd go on this

speed date thing, and I just had a thought

because you don't have a bird, you might fancy it.

- Mr. Cairns, take no notice.

- That's not what you said a minute ago.

He's just too scared to ask.

- Safety in numbers, eh Gordon?

All right, you're on.

- Told you it was for losers.

(grunting)

- So, you didn't tell Terry that his mum wanted

to help choose your wedding underwear, then?

- It's unnatural.

- The woman's a damn mental.

If she came she'd only want to take pictures

to show her bridge club, and I'm not having anyone taking

pictures of my bits.

Not after what happened with Terry's phone in Tenerife.

- Mothers always know what gets their sons going.

- Christ, I hope not.

You remember that Barry Buntrup from school?

His mummy was still dressing him when he was 'bout 21.

- Aye, but he was weird.

- Aye, he was, but he was a good kisser.

(laughing)

- Left hand blue.

(laughing)

- You klutz.

Oh no!

I've ripped my gusset.

- Ew! - Ew!

Too much information.

- What you guys up to this weekend?

- Why?

- What's this?

- Speed dating? - Speed dating?

- It's my sister's plan B and there's no way I'm going

on my own.

- No can do.

- Me neither.

Those things are wall-to-wall freak shows.

- Freaks are better than nothing, Fiona.

- Speed dating.

- Please, please?

I really need all the help I can get.

- Uh-uh.

- Come on!

Girl power.

(rock music)

- Oh.

♫ Ah one, two, ah one, two, three, four

♫ Well time and time and time again

♫ I've told you since I don't know when

♫ But you just don't believe in love

- So, how does this work?

- Not got a clue.

I'll get the drinks in, eh?

- See what you can find out.

(heels clacking)

- Oh, I'm so sorry, my fault.

Sorry. - No, it's.

It's okay.

- First time?

- I've been once or twice.

- Had any luck?

- Depends what you're looking for.

- Cheers.

So, we going to do this then?

- Oh.

Nice.

Hmm.

Oh, tight trousers.

Not good for the sperm count.

- Will you stop?

You sound like your mother.

- Oh, I don't stand a chance.

Look at them.

- Slags!

(laughing)

- Evening ladies.

- Grr.

Hello tiger!

- [Gordy] Oh, no.

- What?

- Prince Charming's just walked in.

- He can only leave with one, right?

- Every girl in this room would leave with him right now

if he clicked his fingers.

- [Kenny] And then some.

- [Host] Excuse me, but would you mind?

- [Lorna] Forget it!

It's not happening, okay?

- Look, I understand, but you can still join in.

- Look, I'm just here to keep her company

and to get her a life.

End of.

- Hop it.

(sighing)

- Can you drive us home?

- Sure, why?

- Because I'm going to need a drink.

Excuse me?

- Interesting concept, isn't it?

Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo

of Aish HaTorah faith, originally as a way of helping

Jewish singles meet and marry.

- What?

- Speed Dating.

In fact, it was so successful, the Aish HaTorah trademarked

the word Speeddating.

That's why we always see it as two words.

Elliot Hendry.

- Gordon Boyd, Gordy.

- Hey.

- Well, he's charming, handsome, polite.

If he had a sense of humour, we'd all be fucked.

(laughing)

(bell ringing)

(rock music)

- Good evening boys and girls, and welcome to Fast Romance.

Just before we get started, I want to make sure

everyone has one of these.

A scorecard.

If you've not got one then come and see me before we begin.

I want to just remind you about how tonight's going to work.

Ladies, you'll be at your assigned tables,

gentlemen will join you there.

You'll sit and chat for three minutes, you'll hear

the bell again and then the gentleman will move

onto the next table.

- You look very formal.

- I run my own business.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, I'm a undertaker.

- [Man] Have we met before?

- No, I don't think so.

- Are you sure?

I think we've met.

- No.

- It's definitely going to come to me.

Let me think.

- It's the first time I've been out since Laura died.

We were together for 11 years, so.

I loved her so much.

She was so beautiful.

She loved long walks, she never jumped on the furniture.

I loved that dog.

(crying)

- [Man] Yes, yes we have.

- No, we haven't met.

(bell dinging)

Oh, thank god.

- Hi, Miss number six.

Unless you want to tell me your real name, that is.

- So, do you live in Glasgow?

- Just off Byres Road.

- Nice, do you work near there?

- I'm doing zoology at Glasgow Uni, second year.

So, I'm going to be living there for a while.

If you're interested, that is.

- You'll just need to check the website like everyone else.

- Anyway I've been trying to finish my opus,

my great Romantic Novel.

So I thought I'd try a change of scenery and see

if I could find a bit of--

- Inspiration?

- So you can talk?

I thought for a moment you were going turn out like.

(laughing and snorting)

- Oh, sorry.

- You live in Glasgow?

Yes, buy my grandparents were from Italy.

- The land of Romeo and Juliet.

- No, Italy.

(inhaling)

Oh.

(laughing)

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but what age are you?

- Don't mind me, granddad, I'm just here for the free booze.

- I've been looking forward to this.

- Would you like a refill?

- Vodka and coke, thanks.

- Okay.

How's it going?

- Don't ask.

- The one I'm with doesn't want to be here.

Is that where you're at?

Not been there, yet.

- Excuse me, guys, do you know where table 14 is?

- Listen, I wouldn't even bother because we're onto plums

as long as Prince Charming's still here.

♫ Make eyes at your mother

♫ 'Til you're in for a younger lover

♫ Want teen sex, want clean sex

♫ I want lazy, little ones, super tits

(people chatting)

- Hi. - Hi.

(slow pop music)

- I've seen that before.

- Sorry?

- That smile?

We met earlier.

- Oh, yes.

- Actually, I was about to leave, then I saw you.

(sighing)

(bell ringing)

- Well, that's three hours I could've used

to finish my seating plan.

- Oh, you really know how to live, don't you?

- I've had some tube crying over a dead dog,

some perv going on about HongKongPingPong.com

or some such thing.

And as for him, he just stared at me

for three minutes solid.

Not a word!

- I thought he was all right.

- But hey, it's not all bad.

I got offered ten percent off a funeral and I got

a crash course in Klingon.

My life is complete.

Now, Choung Cha!

- She's not a happy drunk.

- It's all right for her, she's got a man.

Looks lovely, by the way.

- Thanks.

I'm glad my brothers never got it.

They'd have just sold it.

As if eighty grand each wasn't enough.

- So?

Glad you came?

- It was an experience.

- Ah, gentlemen.

Can I give you one of these?

- Hey!

Hey!

You not think people might be offended by this?

- [Gordy] Easy.

- No, Gordon.

This idiot needs to learn, if there's ever a place

to punt funerals, it's not here!

Shit.

- You all right, mate?

'Cause this actually seems like a good offer.

- I'm serious!

From now on, I'm just going to look after number one,

not do what everyone else wants.

I mean,

(sighing)

what was I thinking?

Speed dating a month before I get married!

(car doors creaking and thunking)

- What was that all about?

- You want a lift home or not?

- Actually, I was going to ask if you fancied a pint?

- No, I'll leave it.

I've got to start early in the morning.

So have you.

- Just have one, then, okay?

(door thunking)

(engines revving)

(metal clinking)

- Excuse me?

- Look, whatever you're selling, I don't want it.

- [Spence] Lorna?

- Do I know you?

- We met at the speed date last night.

I need to talk to you about something.

- For the love of God, that's the last thing I need.

A flippin' stalker.

Look, just do one, you nut or I'll call the cops.

- DC Spencer, Govanhill.

- Oh, sorry, look.

I'm not exactly at my best this morning.

Somebody slashed my tyre and--

- I'm afraid I'm not here about your tyres.

Do you mind if we do this inside?

(laughing)

- Don't.

I just spent the night looking after a very drunk Lorna.

- [Carlo] I thought it was a speed date.

- It was.

She came with me.

- Whoa!

Does Terry know?

- For company, Carlo.

She just ended up getting really drunk.

Probably the best idea.

It was a complete waste of time.

- I wouldn't say that.

You left it last night.

He tried calling your house and when he called here,

I asked him to bring it over.

(sighing)

- And he's still here?

Has Mum drugged his coffee?

- Hey, Miss Six.

(laughing)

- Hi.

- You get your phone?

- Oh, my god, yeah, thanks.

Can I get you anything at all?

- No fucking way.

- Is he from the speed date?

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Oh, look at that.

Strong jaw, broad shoulders, loose-fitting trousers.

- So, I wondered if you'd like to go out sometime?

Nadine? - I love you.

- Sorry? - Sorry, what?

- A date?

You, me, doing something?

- I'm sorry, did you just ask--

- A date, yes.

Nothing fancy.

We'll just see where we end up, and you can tell me

all about yourself.

- Mm.

- Tomorrow night okay?

- Mm.

- Great.

I've put my number into your phone.

- Oh.

He asked me out on a date.

(shouting)

(Italian folk music)

- You heard anything from upstairs?

- No, but I should've by now, though.

- What?

You think Cairns will give you another chance?

- Don't think so.

Braithwaite would probably sack him on the spot.

- All right, lads?

- Hi, Mr. Cairns.

- Gordon, you left a second class letter

on your desk this morning.

Deliver it on the way home, eh?

And try to be more careful in the future.

- Shit, sorry.

- See yous later.

- It's only a matter of time, mate.

It's only a matter of time.

(jazz music)

- No way!

- He's not dangerous, we don't think.

- I just remember thinking what a bunch of losers.

No offence.

But this guy's hardly gonna let things slip

to a complete stranger, is he?

- Maybe, maybe not.

If he was making headway with a lady

he might try to impress.

Didn't I see you there with some friends?

- Yeah.

- It would be helpful if you game me their details.

- Yeah, of course.

- Nadine Catalano and Fiona Benton.

- So when's the big day?

- Oh, just over a month.

Nadine and Fiona are bridesmaids.

Actually, it's more like Barbara's big day.

- [Spence] Barbara?

- My future mother-in-law.

She's always dreamed of a big wedding.

- And you've not?

- I'm more practical.

Small wedding, decent honeymoon.

Some money in the bank for a rainy day.

But, over the next month, 28 grand.

- 28 grand?

- Of our hard-earned cash is going to disappear

out the door, for one big party.

It's madness.

- Well, to be honest, I'm on the same page as you.

- [Lorna] But it's nearly here, now, so what can you do?

- Well, tell your mother-in-law where to go, for one.

Sorry, but to pay out for someone else's dream

just seems a bit daft.

If you don't mind me saying.

- So, when did she last eat something?

- She had a slice of toast before bed last night.

- I'll arrange for some meal replacements, all right?

- Okay.

- Listen, I wanted to ask a favour.

I admitted a young patient the other day.

Young girl.

We're still waiting for some results,

but it looks like Leukaemia.

But, feel free to say no.

I know you've got a lot on your mind, but I was wondering

if maybe--

- Mr. Sparkles would pay a visit.

- Thought I might be good for her spirits, you know?

- Sure doc, no problem.

You free now?

- Sure.

- I'll follow you up. - Okay.

(sad jazz music)

(clown music)

- Thank you.

Thank you, so much.

(dog barking)

- If I was you, I'd sit down and talk

to your fiance about this.

- He's working on the continent for the next few weeks.

Ironically, to pay for the honeymoon.

By the time he comes back, most things will have been paid.

- It's all down to you, then, isn't it?

Look, if anything does come to mind, here's my mobile.

- Okay.

Well, let me know if you hear anything

about the tyre slashers.

- Don't hold your breath on that.

(laughing)

- He said no go on, I said, really?

- You said that?

- I couldn't believe it.

I really mean it, I really mean it.

I was like that.

I don't know if my leg will go up there.

(laughing)

I'm telling you Michael said it was the best night

of his life!

You know, he was absolutely knackered.

Said he might not make it into work today.

(laughing)

Let's hope that photocopier is working all right.

(laughing)

♫ I get on the phone

♫ But my connection continually fades

♫ 'Cause lighting like the star

♫ In the goddess pin print

♫ Arms and they hold me to tightly to even breathe

♫ Roll on, roll on

♫ On the site, so I can't

♫ I can't give counter but it leaves

♫ The soul is open to this

♫ Falling over with this

♫ Tears will send me reprise

(phone ringing)

- I'd like to get you some help.

- No.

No, I'll look after her.

- Kenny, listen, end of life care is,

well, it's intense.

You need to accept help otherwise both you

and your Mum will suffer.

You know, but it doesn't mean you're excluded.

You've got as much responsibility

as any health professional.

- Doing what?

Making her cups of tea?

- By continuing to be the one thing that she really needs.

Her son.

(dog barking)

(jazz music)

- Nadine, let me help you there.

- Oh, hey Gordy.

Thanks for that.

- Nice buns.

- I'd like to give you one.

(chuckling)

- Eh?

- But they're all bought and paid for.

(laughing)

- Oh, the buns.

Do you want a hand to the car?

- Oh, no, I'll manage.

I'm not just a pretty face.

(chuckling)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold up, Gordy.

Cheers, Gordy.

- No bother.

- Hey?

- Hi, Alan.

- Look, I can see you've got a lot on but I was wondering

if you could do these for me?

I need them for tomorrow.

- Oh, okay.

Just stick them on the pile.

- Oh.

Nice flowers.

An admirer?

- I wish.

A street performer was handing 'em out.

Thought they would brighten up the place.

- Cool.

Look, I'll get these done down in finance.

It's okay.

(chuckling)

- Thank you.

(slow jazz music)

- Mr. Cairns?

- Hi, yeah.

- I'm Jennifer Hopwood from the Cancer Back-up Foundation.

- Hi, I was just passing and I thought I'd--

- Sierra seven zero, please respond.

- Seven zero, go ahead control.

- That registration you just called in is

definitely registered to one Peter Hunter, over.

- Roger that, control.

Seven zero out.

Never off duty.

I just came round to apologise.

- For what?

- It was only after I'd gone that I realised

I might have freaked you out.

- No, not really.

You did say he wasn't dangerous, so I--

- I said we didn't think he was dangerous.

Anyway, if you do get anxious, just call the number

I gave you.

- Okay.

- Right, I can smell food.

I don't want to keep you any longer.

Sorry again.

- You can join me if you want.

If you don't have to go and see one Peter Hunter.

Actually, you'd be doing me a favour.

I weakened and put a pizza in the oven.

(chuckling)

I've got a wedding dress to get into, remember?

- I'll look after her myself.

- And who looks after you?

- You think I need a shoulder to cry on?

- If you can tell me, honestly, that you won't need one

then I will leave right now.

But if you can't?

I think it's time I met Ann.

- [Lorna] So, I take it you're no closer

to getting this guy?

- No, we will, though.

Long arm of the law and all that.

This is a nice place.

Very neat.

CDs in alphabetical order.

DVDs grouped according to leading actor

then by release date.

(chuckling)

- Okay, Columbo.

So, I'm a bit obsessive compulsive.

(slow jazz music)

- So anyway, I said, I've never seen wallpaper hung

like that before.

(laughing)

- So, have you thought any more

about what I was saying to you?

About your pushy mother-in-law?

- Okay, so if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

- I wouldn't do it.

- What?

You'd just ring her up and say it's the registry office,

like it or lump it?

- No, I wouldn't get married.

You don't want a big day and I've never known a man who did.

- So?

- So, Terry's putting his mum before you.

(slow jazz music)

Shit, Lorna, I didn't mean.

I just open my mouth sometimes--

- No, you have a point.

- It doesn't mean it's always going to be this way.

- You don't know Barbara.

- You think this is just to start?

- I do now.

- [Spence] Okay, come on you.

- What?

- I'm taking you out.

- We haven't even finished the dishes, yet.

It's like half nine.

- And on a weeknight, too!

Heaven forbid you stay out past 10!

Trust me, it'll be fun.

- And I'm just supposed to go with you?

- It's call being spontaneous.

- I can be spontaneous.

- Okay, c'mon.

And I promise I'll get you home before you turn

into a pumpkin.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Nadine] Are you rich?

- [Elliot] Does it matter?

- Course it matters.

I don't want to be going out with some jakey--

- A what?

- You know, a tramp, a hobo?

I'm kidding.

- Good.

You were the only girl the other night

who actually seemed interested in romance.

That's what caught my attention.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Okay, some of it was farfetched and silly,

but I really like that.

It means your heart knows no bounds.

You're willing to think anything is possible in love.

- So, you wouldn't think I was mad if I asked you

to do one more romantic thing this evening?

- What here?

On the bridge?

- No, no that, you dirty bastard.

Let's dance.

- I don't think so.

- Okay then, you think of something.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Oh, my god.

It's amazing.

This is absolutely--

- It's higher than I thought it would be.

- C'mon, Columbo, live a little.

(screaming and laughing)

I'm happy to pay if you want to go again.

- Pete?

- Andy?

What the hell are you doing here?

- I'm just meeting somebody on business.

So, who's this lovely lady?

- Oh, this is my fiancee, Katie.

- Hi.

- Tell me, how come all the uglies manage

to get the really stunning girls?

- Hey, he's not ugly, and he can be quite charming, too.

- [Elliot] So, is this okay for a first date?

- Brilliant.

You get to behave like a kid at these places

and no one thinks you're mad.

- Yeah, I suppose a bit of escapism is good for the soul.

Taking life too seriously is bad for your health.

Nadine?

- Oh, my god.

- [Elliot] Nadine?

- What?

Yeah, do you mind if we head home?

- Sure.

Everything all right?

- Yeah, just tired.

- I'm just going to hang back for a wee while

to watch the big wheel.

I like looking at the smiley faces.

- Take it easy.

I'll give you a call.

- Hey, so are you going to tell me what that was all about?

- If he'd sussed out I was a cop, there could have been

serious repercussions.

So, thanks, for saving my skin.

- Oh, that's okay.

(engine buzzing)

- [Elliot] You sure you're okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Just thinking.

So, you want to come in?

- Wow, even your window reminds me of Romeo and Juliet.

- What?

- "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?"

You shouldn't leave your lights on.

It's bad for the planet.

- Actually, that's the flat opposite.

Mrs. Livingston.

And she's as romantic as cholera.

But me?

I'm a hopeless romantic.

(horror organ music)

- Do you know, I never thought I'd say this,

but that was fun.

- What was it that swung it?

The amazing views, or seeing the look of terror on my face?

- What?

When we were in the wheel or when we met that guy?

Look, thanks.

- Spontaneity gets the thumbs up?

- Yes, though I'm not about to take up base jumping

or deep sea diving.

Well, not yet, anyway.

Look, I'd better get in.

- Yeah, I'll catch you later.

Oh, and thanks.

- What for this time?

- For saying that I was charming and not ugly.

(cars whooshing)

(slow jazz music)

(phone ringing)

(phone buzzing)

- Gordon, a word?

I don't expect to hear this stated again.

- Sorry, sir.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's just a written warning.

(sighing)

- Kenny?

(door thunking)

- Delivery for Miss Fiona Benton.

- What?

For her?

- So it says.

She about?

- I'll take them.

- No problem, doll.

♫ My love is like a red, red--

♫ Rolling, rolling, rolling, rawhide

I'll just, yeah.

♫ Rolling, rolling, rolling, ball bag

(phones ringing)

(upbeat jazz music)

(dogs barking)

- Oh!

(horror organ music)

Shit!

(gasping)

- Yours?

Spartacus likes to play.

- Which one's Spartacus?

- He's Spartacus!

(barking)

No, no, no, no.

He's Spartacus.

(doors slamming)

- Hi, Kenny.

I didn't hear you come in.

Your mum's having a good day.

- Yeah?

- She's very excited about your new romance.

- I'd rather you didn't talk to Mum about Fiona.

- I'm sorry?

- I don't want her to get her hopes up.

- Hope's all she's got.

- Just, don't discuss my personal life, okay?

- Well then, it's going to be very quiet round about here.

It's all she talks about, Kenny.

It's the reason she's having a good day.

(radio music)

(door locks clicking)

- Hey, Nadine.

- Hi.

Everything all right?

- Oh, yeah.

I was just getting to know Spartacus.

- Yeah, as if one devil dog wasn't enough.

- Nadine, do you have a hair dryer?

Oh, hey.

Gordy, yeah?

How you doing?

- [Gordy] Yeah.

(groaning)

- You okay?

- Catch you later.

- Look, I need to go.

- Bye. - Bye.

Fucking Spartacus.

- You think that getting Kenny Cairns suspended is going

to earn you brownie points?

- I was only doing my duty, dir.

There was nothing personal in it.

- Don't play me, Sean.

Your cards are marked.

- I don't think I like being spoken to like this, sir.

- Hmm.

Well, I don't think the men would appreciate

a shop steward who only looked out for himself.

Get out!

(mumbling)

- I mean, nothing says I love you like a bunch

of red roses, now, does it?

(laughing)

- Afternoon.

- Kenny's just been suspended.

- What?

- Because of you.

Gave you one chance too many.

- Gees-oh.

- What are you looking at?

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hello?

Mr. Cairns?

Mr. Cairns?

Hello?

Hello?

- [Ann] In here.

- Hello?

I'm sorry to disturb you, I'm looking for Mr.--

(gasping)

- Come in, son.

(gasping)

Kenny will be in from work any minute now.

Come in.

This is him in his boy's brigade uniform.

(laughing)

He'd kill me if he knew I'd shown you that.

And here's another.

(laughing)

- It's only me, Ann.

- That's Jennifer.

She's my PA.

- This is Gordon.

He works for MI6.

Finally caught up with me after all these years.

- And she would've gotten away with it, too,

if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

(laughing)

- It's all right, Jennifer.

Gordy here's a workmate of Kenny's.

One he thinks very highly of.

- Pleased to meet you, Gordon.

- Hi, you too.

- That's Jennifer.

She's my guardian angel.

She's from the Cancer Back-up Foundation.

(cabinet thudding)

- No, no.

She was diagnosed about a year back.

(sighing)

- He hasn't said anything.

- Well, some people take refuge in their work

at times like this.

- Just me, Ma!

Gordon?

- Mr. Cairns?

- Maybe it's time you called me Kenny.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Why'd you do it?

Why'd you grass him up?

I heard Braithwaite.

- Hold on!

Did you dob Cairns in?

- Stop talking shit.

I'm your shop steward, right?

It's my duty to take care of these things.

- [Spud] Bollocks!

(fist whacking)

- Ah!

(fist smacking)

- You think this is grounds for a written warning?

(upbeat jazz music)

- Look, I don't think it is any of your concern.

- But you might lose your job!

- My record's immaculate.

Head office will give me a slap on the wrist

and I'll be back at work in a week.

- Still, it hardly seems fair.

- A blot on my record is a small price to pay for a mate.

- Everything okay, Kenny?

- Aye, fine.

- Look, if you fancy some respite, I can stay

for the afternoon.

Maybe the two of you could go for a pint or something.

- Forget the pint.

I've got a better idea.

(firearms shooting)

(yelling)

- Hey, oh hey, hey, hey!

(bass humming)

- Oh, my god!

They killed Kenny!

(firearms shooting)

So why didn't you say anything at work?

About your mum, I mean.

- Well, if Gibson or one of the others had said something

about her, I don't know what I would've done.

- So, what's with the clown?

- I started doing it for my own kids.

And then I would do their friends' birthdays.

Actually, got to the point where I began to enjoy it.

- And what age are your kids?

- 17 and 22.

Look, when Linda left, she cleaned me out.

I had maintenance to pay.

Simple as that.

- Clowns scare the shit out of me.

(laughing)

- So, what about you?

Is there no life beyond computer games?

- Not really.

When my family moved to London, well,

I stayed 'cause I'd just got a job in the office.

Couldn't bear another day on the dole.

And this thing, it means I can hang out

with my wee brothers.

Online anyway.

(upbeat jazz music)

(synthesiser music)

- Dad used to bring us here every chance he got.

He was always happy here.

Like it was our place.

Glasgow Green.

Beautiful in the sunshine.

Mum and Dad hand in hand.

Natalie's there with that wee red ball

she wouldn't go anywhere without.

Annabelle's on the blanket next to them.

Carlo's playing football with his pals.

I'm playing, too.

Dad looks at me, smiles.

- You're lucky to have memories like that.

- They moved this fountain, you know.

Cleaned it up.

It used to--

- Writing's such a solitary thing.

You know what you are?

- What?

- You are my muse.

- Your what?

- My muse.

It's a goddess that inspires creativity.

- Get lost.

(chuckling)

- So, why are you the only one still single?

- I don't know.

My Mum's sole aim in life is to get me settled.

She almost fainted when she saw us talking in the cafe.

Oh, but don't let that put you off.

- It's okay.

She sounds intriguing.

I'd love to meet her.

- That's a new take on it.

- I'm serious.

You should give her a call, set it up.

It'd be great research for my book.

(horn honking)

(engine revving)

(window humming)

- Hey, Columbo.

- Hey you.

- He didn't look very happy.

- Evel Knievel there just has a very big chip

on his very big shoulders.

- You busy?

Jump in.

(upbeat jazz music)

- So, what is it, then?

- Well, I'm parting with some of that hard earned 28 grand.

- And you want me to stop you?

- No, why would I want you to do that?

I was being spontaneous.

Thought you could offer an independent opinion.

You can leave if you want.

- Are you kidding?

So, what is it then?

Ice sculptures, cakes, flowers?

I'm bursting with curiosity.

- This was a bad idea.

Hey, no!

Stop it!

It's lingerie, okay?

It's lingerie.

- I'm all yours.

- On second thought.

Hey!

- Come on, don't be daft.

- I've got a bad feeling about this.

(people chatting)

(laughing)

(cheering)

- Hi, Jen.

- Kenny.

- [Elliot] Nadine is my muse.

- [All] Oh!

- What's your book about?

- Well, it's about an Italian girl who comes to live

in Glasgow against her family's wishes.

She meets this guy, there's a culture clash, it's funny

but ultimately, it's about love conquering all.

- [All] Oh.

- [Natalie] That sounds great.

When will it be finished?

- [Elliot] Not sure yet.

I'm going to head to Rome next week to see if I can find

a happy ending.

- [Gabriella] But you're coming back, though?

- [Elliot] Of course.

Glasgow's amazing.

It's been great being back here in the heart of it.

The smell of the city, sense of humour.

It's so much easier to write about something

when you're amongst it.

(slow guitar music)

(mumbling)

- Hey.

- Hey.

He's perfect.

- [Carlo] Yeah.

- They love him, don't they?

- Yep.

- I'm not sure I do.

(metal scraping)

- Alison left me.

She and the kids are with her parents in Edinburgh.

- Does anyone else know?

- Her parents, obviously, and Jameel,

because he misses nothing.

We're talking to Mum next week.

- So, you're still friends? - Yeah, of course.

Look, Nadine, this marriage thing?

It isn't all sweetness and light.

Natalie and Annabelle think it is

but they're still beginners.

And Mum?

She and dad had thirty eight years of wedded bliss.

If she'd had the rough ride Alison and I have had

for the last two, I'm pretty sure you'd be

in a convent by now.

- Might not be such a bad idea.

- [Carlo] Then do it!

You look great in black.

(laughing)

- Carlo!

Carlo, can you come and work this?

Mum wants to get some pictures.

- I'll be there in a sec.

(sighing)

Follow your heart, Nadine.

Not your head.

- Carlo? - Hmm?

- I am not a muse.

(guitar music)

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ And rest above the take

♫ Then let's go to bed

♫ To sing ourselves goodnight

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ I wondered if enchanted

♫ To bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ And rest above the take

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ To sing ourselves goodnight

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ I wonder if enchanted

♫ To bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go

(snoring)

(sirens wailing)

(lips smacking)

(snoring)

- [Man] Sierra seven zero, please respond.

Sierra seven zero, please respond.

That registration you called in is definitely registered

to one Peter Hunter, over.

(sighing)

- Lorna?

Listen--

- Why should I listen?

I don't even know who I'm talking to.

- Peter Laing.

My real name's Peter Laing.

(synthesiser music)

(exhaling)

- You prick!

Number 18 drives a Merc?

Own house, question mark.

Number 12 has her own business.

Good possibilities there.

And given Fiona's financial situation

and the pound signs next her name, I'd say you were

a lying bastard!

- Lorna, wait!

Please?

- Why, so you can make even more of a fool of me?

- I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

- Then why?

Why all the bullshit?

I gave you Fiona's details!

You could've just left me alone!

Shit.

The money for the wedding.

- No, after the amusement park, none of that mattered.

You're my priority, not your cash, or Fiona's cash.

You.

I don't normally go in for all this romantic bullshit.

- Just get away from me.

- But you just blew me away.

So, will you just cut me some slack, here?

(fist thudding)

Oh!

(car revving)

- Disgusting!

(horror organ music)

(bouncy guitar music)

♫ I was standing on the shoulder of a giant last night

♫ I got out my beds so few

♫ The night still dark sky

♫ I think about this place and how it froze into my eyes

♫ Look out to the north, there's a break in the sky

♫ Are you coming home tonight

♫ You know I can't relax

♫ Are you coming home tonight

♫ You know I can't relax

(brake creaking)

(sighing)

- I'll say something about marriage,

then a short prayer. - Probably just nerves.

- And then the bridesmaids will move forward.

(whispering)

Then the bridesmaids will step forward!

- Oh.

- Better late than never.

You hand the bouquet to the chief bridesmaid.

And then turn to face Terrance.

Now Terrance, repeat after me.

I, Terrance James Dixon.

- I, Terrance James Dixon.

- Give myself to you, Lorna Jane Kerr.

- Give myself to you, Lorna Jane Kerr.

- To by my friend, my lover, the mother of my children.

- To be my friend, my lover, the mother of my--

- I'm sorry, I can't do this.

♫ Don't walk away

- Lorna?

- I'll go and talk to her.

♫ Don't walk away

- Tell her there's a cancellation fee!

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go to bed

♫ Don't walk away

♫ Let's go

- I saw you at the fairground.

No one else knows.

I didn't say anything to you because well, you looked happy.

Happier than I've seen you in a long time.

- I can't.

- Lorna!

- What's going on?

- You need to keep Terry here.

- What?

How?

- Have no idea.

But I need some time with her alone.

- It's a lovely spot.

- She chose it the same day she was diagnosed.

- She was being thrifty.

Let's face it, we all need one eventually.

- Mr. Cairns?

I just wanted to check to see if you were satisfied

with the arrangements.

- Couldn't have gone more smoothly, thank you, John.

- [John] Glad to have been of service.

- Thank you, very much.

- Aye, it was a good turnout.

- She was popular.

I'm more like my dad.

- Ah, the strong silent type.

(chuckling)

- Look, I'm sorry.

I'll need to get to the reception.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry I have to go, it's just I'm meeting friends.

It's my birthday.

- Today?

(chuckling)

- Yeah.

- Happy birthday, guardian angel.

- You take good care.

I'll be in touch soon.

Bye.

- Look, just leave it, Nadine, okay?

- You have got to be kidding me on!

A policeman?

Shit.

(door clicking)

- I need to speak to Lorna!

- Why?

You've ruined everything.

- Lorna, listen.

I've tried to forget about this but I can't.

I need to be with you.

And I think you feel the same way.

- Don't you dare tell me how I feel.

- Then why did you miss your wedding rehearsal?

- [Nadine] Jesus Christ!

Have you not done enough damage?

- Lorna, I need to know.

- You need to leave.

Now.

- This has got nothing to do with you!

- Oh, no?

Well, I'm very sure the police would be interested

to find out what you've been up to.

And believe me, I won't hesitate.

- [Spence] I just need to know how you feel.

- No question how I feel.

I think you're incredible

at manipulating people!

How many desperate women have you broken the hearts of, eh?

10?

20?

- That's different!

Lorna, I love you!

- No, you don't.

You just want someone to save you from your

revolting little life.

It's your mess, and I don't give a damn.

- Lorna?

Lorna?

- Don't.

(door slamming)

(feet stomping)

- This is your fault, Nadine.

You and that bloody speed date!

- I'm so sorry, Lorna.

If I'd thought for one minute--

- Terry doesn't deserve any of this.

All he wanted to do was get married and go on a nice holiday

to bloody Dubai!

- And what do you deserve?

- I deserve to go straight to hell.

- Why?

For not being the dependable Lorna Kerr

that we all take for granted?

That guy might be a scumbag, but he made you stop

and think about you for the first time in your life.

If you ask me, it shouldn't be the last.

- I don't know what to do.

- Oh.

Whatever you decide, I'm here for you.

No question.

(grunting)

- Hey there!

Well, what do you think?

The new ZED 4000.

Your boss ordered one last week.

- Very nice.

- 2,000 sheet feeder, absolutely silent in operation.

Automatic duplex.

Is everything all right?

(blues rock music)

- Hiya!

What the hell was?

(guitar screaming)

(door slamming)

What the hell was all that about?

- Let's just say Michael clarified a few things

about you and him.

(phone ringing)

- Let's get one thing straight.

You tell anyone about this and I will make your life hell.

You got that?

(guitar music)

Copy girl.

(sighing)

(feet stomping)

- Fiona Benton!

(laughing)

My name is Fiona Benton!

Not copy girl!

- Why don't you go back into your hole?

Nobody here's interested in what you have to say!

- Oh, really?

Not even what we were talking about just a minute ago?

- Do not do this.

- Michael is happily married with a kid.

- Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

- I'm talking to a sad bitch who has to send herself

some roses just to make out she's getting any!

- You are so wrong!

- Yeah, you are.

Because I sent them to Fiona.

(sighing)

(slow jazz music)

(laughing)

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

- Hey?

You've got a visitor.

- So, is this the book?

- Hey.

Yeah, this is it in all its glory.

Well, two-thirds glory, at least.

- [Nadine] Sabrina?

Is she the main character?

- The protagonist, yeah.

You are so like her, it's uncanny.

- Elliot, you've probably never heard this before,

and I never imagined I'd be saying it, but

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

- I don't understand.

- Don't get me wrong, I had a great time but we both know

it's not going anywhere.

And I've kind of had my fill of not knowing whether

my boyfriend is going to come back from the loo.

Well, I followed my heart.

- And?

- Will you tell Mum?

- Hey.

- Hi.

Alan, listen. - Look, about the--

(laughing)

- I just wanted to say thanks.

- Not exactly the way I hoped you'd find out.

- You didn't have to, you know.

- I decided I would when I asked you about them.

And you said--

- I wish.

- Listen, Fiona, I'm not very good at this sort of thing

but you're the only girl in this place I've ever fancied.

Then you go all angry, and whip off your

glasses and wow, you look amazing!

Me, on the other hand, I can't see a thing.

- Neither can I.

- Just don't ever let your hair down or I might have

a heart attack.

- I'll bear that in mind.

- I'd better let you get on.

- Well, actually.

This thing means I can get my life back.

Fancy going for a drink?

(upbeat jazz music)

(horns beeping)

(slow guitar music)

♫ She's got me hanging off of the arms

♫ Of the place we list your pains

- Oh, hi Gordon.

- Hey.

- Just give me a second.

Ugh, stupid pen.

- Here.

- Oh.

- It's yours anyway.

- Oh.

- Came out the letter Mrs. Livingston opened?

(chuckling)

Anyway, when I saw what it was, I booked up

because I, well I, I thought it would give me

the guts to...

No, look, nevermind.

I'm sorry, I need to go.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Go for it.

- I'm not seeing anyone.

- What?

- I'm not seeing anyone.

Me and Elliot kind of had our wires crossed.

I thought he was interested but he just wanted me

as his muse.

That's a goddess that inspires creativity.

(laughing and snorting)

That was kind of my reaction, too.

Do you want a muffin?

Or a latte?

I'm going on my break.

I can probably swing you extra sprinkles.

It's the least I can do.

I mean, you did return my pen.

So that's our story.

The story of how we were brought together by three minutes

of chat and a crazy idea about love.

But what happened next?

Well.

Gordy got the girl.

That's me, by the way.

And found a part of his life he'd been missing

for so long.

Family.

While I realised the man of my dreams had been right

in front of me all along.

Lorna's came clean with Terry, only to find that he wanted

to live a little too before settling down.

Fiona?

Well, her life changed beyond her wildest dreams.

And Alan knew that whenever flowers arrived at reception

the right person would always get them.

(beeping)

- Stupid, fucking shit!

(screaming)

- [Nadine] Spence stopped conning women and tried

an honest day's work.

I hear the perks are good.

As for Kenny, well, he was about to throw in the towel.

But the legacy of Mr. Sparkles stepped in

and made him think again.

Two weeks later, he walked into the second speed date

of his life and met his perfect match.

Oh, and Elliot finished his book, by the way,

with names changed to protect the innocent.

It's called Fast Romance, and it's mostly accurate.

He checked it with a good source who only wants 10%

if it sells, which I think it will.

I mean, who doesn't like a happy ending?

(guitar music)

♫ I'd like to be the feed you need

♫ But I haven't got the time

♫ To break in anybody new

♫ Or even someone who I really blew it with

♫ Sometime ago

♫ When all that filled my mind was you

♫ 'Cause I'm on my way

♫ And I'll be someday

♫ With my mind's eye

♫ There's no turning back

♫ With my mind's eye

♫ There's no turning back

♫ Maybe when pigs fly

♫ There's no turning back

♫ Without you

♫ My final plea

♫ My repeat

♫ Is to know

♫ How it feels eventually

♫ There's no turning back

♫ There's no turning back

♫ There's no turning back

(rushing and crashing)

(cymbals crashing)