Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Find a good hiding place.

What's up you guys? I'm about to do...

oh, my God, my camera's dirty.

Hey, you guys.

I'm about to do the Dead Body Prank on Jericho.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be sick.

Jericho's gonna have a heart attack.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

That was great, Jericho. That was so good.

- Yeah? Yeah? - That was so good!

- Did we get it? - Yeah.

Okay, let's do the end card real quick.

- Okay. - Hey, you guys.

Thanks for tuning in.

Oh, my gosh. Jericho passed out.

It's so scary!

Jericho, pretend you're passed out.

Okay.

Pretend you're passed out for the end card.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey guys, thanks for tuning in.

This was so much fun. Jericho totally fainted.

Send me a comment. Throw me a like.

Subscribe to "Coley Nation." Love you guys!

I think I did it.

Hey, what's up, guys?

It's your boy Peeka Blu.

Do y'all remember Coley Nation?

Hey, Coley Nation.

It's your girl Coley and Jericho,

and we're about to give $20,000 away

to a poor person.

Coley Nation was once a very popular influencer

who should quit now because she's older and not dumb rich,

and that's pretty whack.

Where did it all go wrong for her?

Good question. Let's dive in, shall we?

She used to get millions of views on her reaction videos.

Uh-oh! Um, okay.

Then her audience outgrew her lame content.

Now she can barely get 1,000 views.

So spicy!

Today we're gonna put make-up on Jericho from Star Pop.

She started her career with her friend-with-benefits Jericho

I say friend with benefits because it was believed

at one point that they were dating

but labels don't really matter. You know what I mean?

Merry Christmas, you guys, from Coley Nation!

And Jericho!

And today we're gonna raid our outfits...

'80s style.

I give you an eight.

Who's he kidding? He's a six.

From there she floated her career

with clickbait challenges and desperately chased trends

that people half her age were doing.

Because that's fucking stupid,

nobody cares about Grandma Coley anymore.

So guess what? Your new video hit 1,000 views.

Spoon me, Jericho.

I don't know.

I got a whole plate of food here.

Cherries, cashews, cheeses. It's not a good idea.

Can't you spoon me?

Fine.

I'll spoon you.

So have you thought about what video you wanna do next?

You know you like that challenge where you eat

the poo-flavored jellybean? That's a fun one.

You wanna do that?

How about we do a video called "Jericho Dies?"

- Jesus Christ. - Hey Megan,

can you put me through to Lindsey?

Oh, Jesus.

Put me through. Hey, girl.

Yeah, I was just wondering if there were any brand deals

or, like, gigs going on.

Okay, just wanted to see if anything changed.

Yeah, I know. I gotta get my views up.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, thanks so much.

Fuck!

Son of a bitch!

Such a bitch!

We have a rather alarming video

to show you of what appears

to be a real live Bigfoot creature caught on camera,

and here is that chilling video now.

- With more on this story... - Whoa.

Head park ranger at Redwood Park Joey Johnson.

We are not allowing visitors into the Redwood parks

because an unidentified large animal was seen earlier today.

We cannot confirm what type of creature this was

but I will say it had very large feet

and it was awfully hairy.

He's real.

The Bigfoot news is spreading...

- Cool. - ...around the world.

I was right! I was right!

Bigfoot is real!

We love Bigfoot!

I'm buying a ticket to the States

to find Bigfoot.

What the is a Bigfoot?

I wanna put his head on my wall!

- Whoo! - Brother Bigfoot is one of us.

He's not a beast.

Guys, did you see that video of Bigfoot that went viral?

I thought we only had those in Ireland.

Oh, yeah, baby. Bigfoot's real.

Joining us live

is primate expert Jessica Tanaka.

In all my years of studying primates,

I have never seen a creature like this.

Assuming the footage isn't doctored...

I just got off the phone with my manager

and she's no help.

Jericho?

As with most primates, it has slight...

Eww, what are you watching?

It stands upright, bipedal,

with a slight hunch, and from a distance,

it seems that it's about...

Gross.

He's just, like, a big hairy man walking.

- What is it? - That it's a male.

It's Bigfoot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have our first official look at a Bigfoot.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

- He's real. - Uh-huh.

It has 15 million views in two hours.

Yeah, this thing is going crazy viral.

It's not even funny.

I need to do a collab with Bigfoot!

Collab with Bigfoot? What are you talking about?

We can find Bigfoot.

Finding Bigfoot is impossible.

People have been trying to find him

for hundreds of years.

We can find the person that took this video,

go to their house,

and then go to the forest tomorrow!

Tomorrow?

You know I have a collab with Hottie Toddy.

It's been on the books for months.

You have a collab with Hottie Toddy?

Yeah.

Oh, you fucking shit.

What did I do?

Fuck you!

It's work! I'm working.

Are you going to the forest with me or not?

No.

Fine!

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Coley, I just don't wanna go to the forest.

It's scary and there's bugs and spiders and bats,

and how am I supposed to poop? Where am I supposed to poop?

I'm supposed to use my hands? I can't do that.

Listen.

Every success is...

It isn't...

It doesn't come easy.

Get this.

I've been DMing with the person

who took the video of Bigfoot.

Her name's Haley and she remembers where

she saw Bigfoot.

Would it make you feel better if we got a guide?

I guess so.

Yeah? You want us to get a guide?

Yeah.

Will you feel safer if we did that?

Probably.

Okay. Find the guide.

If we get a guide,

I guess I'll just cancel Hottie Toddy.

Good, because he gave Lauren B. Cool chlamydia.

Oh, "World's number one Bigfoot expert."

Marty Meltzer.

Hey, I'm Marty Meltzer,

self-proclaimed world lead Sasquatch expert

in Humboldt County,

and co-owner of the Legend of Bigfoot

and Sasquatch gift store.

We've got everything to satisfy your 'squatch needs

as well as "Finding Bigfoot,"

the world's number one informative book

on all things Sasquatch that I wrote the forward to.

Who knows?

You may even meet the legend itself.

Just off Highway 1.

Coley, guess what?

What?

- I found Bigfoot expert. - No!

I already sent him an E-mail, so he's waiting for us.

Oh, my God. Jericho, it's really happening!

I was so mad earlier about Hottie Toddy,

but screw him. Now we have a guide.

We're gonna find Bigfoot!

Hey, Coley Nation!

Jericho and I are about to go on a road trip.

Let's go pack the essentials.

Coley Nation, we're ready to hit the road.

Okay, do me a favor and don't speak.

- Okay. - All right?

- Yeah. - Look nice,

and I'll do all the talking.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Coley from Coley Nation.

Hi.

I'm so excited to be here.

Thank you so much for getting back to me

and all those messages. I saw your sh...

Jericho.

You're Jericho, from YouTube.

Hi. Jericho.

- Yeah. - Oh, wow.

Hi.

I'm Greg. Oh, wow.

Look at... you got the J on there.

Yeah.

I've always wanted to touch the J.

Go for it.

Yeah, uh...

I did it. I did it.

I'm Coley from...

Honey, Jericho's here. I texted...

Jericho's here.

What's new? Honey, Jericho's here.

Come here.

Look at you.

Hon, you are yelling so loud.

Well, uh...

Jericho.

What's...

Jericho!

♪ Jericho, Jericho ♪

Oh, my God. Did you touch the J?

- I touched the J. - Wow!

Hi. I'm Coley from Coley Nation.

Very famous YouTuber. Do a lot of reaction videos.

I am very excited to meet you guys.

Thank you so much for getting back to me

in all those messages from the Bigfoot video.

Oh, my goodness. So viral.

We never... God, I don't even know who you are.

Are you Haley?

No, I'm Kim.

- No, this is my wife, Kim. - Uh-huh.

- Okay. - You're looking for Haley?

Yeah, I'm looking for Haley.

- Oh, she's in the... - Yeah.

In the back.

Are you Haley?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm really excited to hear about where

you saw Bigfoot in the forest. Can you tell me about it?

Well, I saw him in the woods and I saw him...

well, I saw this tree and it had a face on it.

There's a face on a tree?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, my gosh.

And I left my teddy bear somewhere in the woods.

Oh, wow. You lost your teddy bear?

My teddy bear was lost In a tree that was dead.

- Oh. - And I saw Bigfoot's house.

Well, that's funny.

Yeah, I saw it in two tree branches

and it looked like a cross.

You know what?

Do you think you can draw me a map?

So Jericho,

I thought about starting a YouTube channel myself.

- That's right. - Okay.

I sing a little.

No, no. Be honest with him.

- He's a great singer. - I'm pretty good.

Yeah, you should hear him sing.

No.

- Don't be modest. - I'll be right back.

- I'll be right back. - Yeah, just get it.

No problem. We'll sing, buddy.

♪ We push our love Yes, we push our love ♪

♪ We push when we love Do you want some love ♪

♪ Ah ♪

If you follow this map,

you'll find Bigfoot right in this X.

But you first... you find my teddy bear,

then the talking tree,

and then here's where you find Bigfoot.

And I'll find him there?

But Bigfoot's not gonna like you.

How do you know?

Oh, my God. Can we go any slower, Jericho?

What?

It's just, like, we're going, like, 22 miles an hour.

It's dangerous here.

Okay, let me drive.

Fine.

Coley, you're in the middle of the road.

No, I'm not. Shut up, Jericho.

Okay.

Look at all this wood.

It smells really bad.

Shut up, Jericho. You're gonna get us murdered.

So much wood.

But you, you are also perfect.

And someone's gonna love you, too.

And I carved you to be extra special.

What you're looking at that?

You cheeky little guy over there.

Is Marty here?

Who are you?

Coley from Coley Nation.

And I'm Jericho.

Well, he's a busy person.

A very, very busy person, so...

So could you get him?

Can you find him?

Fine.

His book. That's his book.

Please do not touch that unless you're thinking about buying.

Hello, I'm Marty Meltzer. This is my store.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I sent you an E-mail. I'm Jericho.

Ah, yes. I didn't read it.

I'm a very, very busy man.

But let me guess.

You're looking for a 'squatch expert.

I'm the expert.

I have a proposition for you.

Let's talk in my garden.

Not you.

I'd prefer it if you stayed here so my sister Martha can keep

an eye on you and your sticky fingers.

Martha!

- Martha! - What?

Jesus.

Pink shirt.

Make sure he doesn't steal anything.

Don't steal anything, Jericho.

I'm not going to.

I am a super famous influencer.

Stop it.

If you think for one second that you

are the first two hard bodies from the city

to come through my store thinking,

"Oh, we're gonna be the next Patterson Gimlin,

catch ourselves some 'squatch footage,"

you're sorely mistaken.

Well, I have a map that someone drew

that saw Bigfoot two days ago.

Sasquatch, please.

The preferred nomenclature is Sasquatch, not Bigfoot.

Then why is your store called "The Legend of Bigfoot?"

Just wondering.

Because my mom is the one who opened the store,

and she was a marketing wiz who knew that Bigfoot

would be much more recognizable to dumb-dumb tourists like you

traveling through town. No offense.

And we promised her we'd leave it as is

when she left it to me and my sister.

Listen, I tag you in one of my posts,

your follower account will go up, like, 250,000.

With your capabilities and this map,

we'll find him this afternoon.

No, it's not that simple, okay?

I don't know those woods.

I haven't been in those woods

since I was a little kid.

Since my mom died.

She was doing research for her Sasquatch book,

and she found a nest.

Only, it wasn't an empty nest.

I'll pay you $300.

What do you want from Marty?

He's gonna help us

find Bigfoot in the forest.

I'm sorry.

I am the expert you're looking for,

but my place is here

with the only two things I got in life:

the store and my sister.

Marty!

I was just talking to that sparkle pony inside,

and he said you're leaving with this cabbage patch human

to go into the woods and find Bigfoot!

Well, if I wanted to go, I should be able to,

because I'm an adult man, right?

You're gonna leave me here with Toothless Ernie,

and he's all I'm gonna have left and he smells!

I am not gonna be leaving you, but even if I wanted to,

I could, okay?

Because I'm sick of you bossing me around

just because you're two years older than I am, okay?

I hate you!

You are such a bummer! I hate you!

- I hate you! - I hate you so much!

I hate you so much!

Sorry about that.

She can be a major drag.

Listen.

You're a lot braver than you think you are.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I'm gonna have Jericho send you

the details of when we're leaving tomorrow.

Wait.

I may not be able to help you,

but I think I know somebody who can.

He's a real badass when it comes to navigating these woods

but a real douche when it comes to being a person.

His brochure's in the front.

Is he dead?

I don't know. I think he's breathing.

What?

You guys want a tour or what?

We are trying to track down Bigfoot

and your brochure said you have experience with this, so...

Name's Triple T.

- Mm. - Stands for Thomas Teito.

You guys wanna see a pony?

Here you go, Dosey. There you go.

All right.

Now, this park is closed and you're gonna need

an expert forest guide to guide you,

and that's me.

Okay.

Now, I can do it,

but it's gonna be a hefty price.

Say, 2,000.

- No. - We'll do it for 1,000.

And if you find him in one day, I'll give you 3,000.

One second.

What do you think about that?

Oh, you don't say?

The horse smells so bad.

You're so sensitive to smells.

Okay, I got it. Thank you.

You got yourself a deal, missy.

Yay! Oh, yay!

We don't know if you're good at tracking anything.

How do we even know that?

The fuck did you say to me?

Stop it, Jericho. He's a professional.

You get over here!

No.

I can track anything.

Here.

Take this.

- No. - Take it.

Take the ball, Jericho.

There you go.

Okay, I took it. I have it.

Now toss it into that field and I'mma find it.

Don't toss it just yet.

Let me turn around first.

Just throw the ball.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Do it.

You toss it yet? Let me know when you tossed it.

I threw it.

All right.

I need some room, please. Dosey.

Guys.

Jackie Chan!

Hiya!

I don't like this at all.

We need someone that knows the woods

and he lives in the woods. It just makes sense.

Look at him.

He's scary, he's dangerous,

he's got yellow teeth. Mm-mm.

He is not dangerous, Jericho.

He's not.

Well, I say no.

Okay, you're hired!

One second.

I am getting warmer.

Warmer.

It's time.

Marty! Marty!

Where are you going?

Nowhere, Martha!

Then why do you have a backpack on?

Where's Mom's urn?

Fine, okay?

I'm going back into the woods,

and the last time I went in there was with Mom.

I'm not going back in there without her, okay?

Marty, you can't go back into the woods.

You can't.

There are predators everywhere.

There's deer and there's snakes

and mountain lions and banana slugs.

Banana slugs are everywhere.

That girl and her lederhosen friend

are paying me $300.

Marty.

You can't go back into the woods.

You're gonna end up like Mom.

You're all I have left.

I gotta try, Martha.

You're my sister and I love you, but I gotta do this,

'cause I can't be sittin' in that store

when I'm 80 without ever even having tried.

You're gonna be okay. I love you.

You gotta be strong.

Because me, I'm going to find Sasquatch.

What up, Coley Nation? It's me.

I'm in the woods and we're about to go find Bigfoot.

Let's go, crew. Come on, Jericho.

This is gonna be sick. I bet dinosaurs lived here.

Everything's ancient here.

So, yeah. All right, see you guys later.

Eww.

Yeah, there's been sightings of Sasquatches dating all

the way back to ancient Greece. So...

So you and Jericho.

Pretty cool you decided

to invite your little brother along on the trip.

Jericho's not my brother. He's my boyfriend.

Oh.

Yeah, he's definitely my boyfriend.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

So, how do you and sugar bum over there know each other?

Oh, she's my girlfriend.

No way!

Hey, so what's your favorite Kid Rock song, huh?

I don't know who that is.

Why? What makes you think that?

Limp Bizkit?

Oh, my God!

'Squatch scat.

And it's still warm!

That ain't 'squatch scat.

Oh, God.

It's wild cat.

He's really professional.

I don't know because it's brown, hard, and wet,

which is very distinctive for Sasquatch scat,

and with all due respect,

I don't know of any wild cats that can hit a log like th...

Who is the expert here?

Hmm?

I'm a Sasquatch expert.

Well, I am the poop expert! Huh?

Huh.

You give me a pair of your undies,

I'mma find you in 20 minutes.

Oh, my God.

So, little Marty.

I like how strong he is.

How's your little sister?

She's been really sad because you haven't returned

her call after your guys' date.

That's right!

Let's stay that way!

Oh, my God. He's scary.

Let's get if we wanna get anywhere.

Didn't have to pull my shirt.

Such a douche.

One time my aunt got poison oak and she rubbed her eye

and she went blind.

Oh. Oh, my feet hurt.

My heels.

Do bears live in there?

Triple T, is there, like, a bear in there?

Oh, my God.

Is there a city near here?

Thomas.

I fell but I'm okay.

I need help.

I got it. I got it.

I got you.

Help me, Triple T. Don't just stand there.

- I got it. - Do you see me? I'm falling.

Ooh.

Watch the log.

Ow. Shut up, Jericho.

I didn't say anything.

Shut up.

You guys, this is primo 'squatch fern.

Thomas, is there a city?

Thomas!

He's so dumb.

Jesus, you fall?

Yeah.

Potential 'squatch hut.

Or a homeless guy used to live there.

Oh, my God. This is so unsafe.

One or the other.

Oh, great. I have no service.

We've been out here for two hours and nine minutes.

I haven't seen one footprint.

I just feel like we're walking in circles.

I mean, are you an actual tracker

that you say you are on your brochure

or are you just a big old phony?

Shut up!

I am not a phony, okay?

I am a professional! You understand that?

And in all honesty, you guys,

we probably won't even see a Sasquatch until dusk.

I have a map,

and you're not even following it!

You know what I think about your map?

I think this!

Why did you do that?

I'm gonna need myself a break, okay?

- A break? - Yes.

You can't take a break!

I am!

I'm paying you $3,000, you dick!

Hey, not that it matters,

but did you just say you were paying him $3,000?

Slice.

Can't tell me what to do. Stab!

I am a man. Dry stab.

Slash. Penetrate.

Dumb city bitch!

Ah, fuck!

Mmm.

Why are we out here still?

We should just go home!

Okay, I have an idea, but it's kinda crazy,

but it might work.

Okay.

What is that?

Okay, so I'm gonna put this on and we pretend I'm Bigfoot.

That is dumb.

That's a dumb idea.

If I'm at a distance, it's gonna work, okay?

It doesn't even look like a Bigfoot.

That's stupid.

Yeah, and that looks exactly like Bigfoot because

that's the Bigfoot from my store!

No.

Yeah, my sister made that Bigfoot.

That's what we sell,

and we didn't make any purchases today!

I paid for it.

You paid for it?

Then I wanna see a receipt.

I wanna see a receipt.

Shut up, Marty!

Shut up.

I will not shut up because a crime has been committed

by this pink felon nightmare.

He's not a felon. Just walk away.

Walk away.

The guy's a thief!

What are you hanging around him for?

He's... cute ball's a thief!

Walk away, Marty!

- Walk away! - I'm just...

Okay.

Let's try it.

And, action!

Cut!

Oh, my God! This video's gonna go viral!

Oh, my gosh. Come here, come here, come here.

And, action!

Okay, I think we should do one where I'm in it.

No, I told you.

I don't like drinking because it makes me beefy and I don't...

Ah!

Bigfoot.

No!

Ah!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Oh. - Hey.

Jericho.

Jericho.

Oh, ooh!

What'd you do?

Are you okay?

Oh, God.

What?

It hurts.

Yeah.

What happened?

There's something I need to tell you.

Tell me. What? What is it?

Tell me.

Tell me!

Jericho.

Jericho!

Jericho!

Tell me.

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

What? I...

Get the fuck over there! On your knees right now!

Hands up! Hands up now!

I'm not fucking gonna put my hands up!

Shut the fuck up! It is all your fault!

You made me track Bigfoot. Now you're gonna have to pay up.

You murdered Jericho!

Give me the money already.

I'm not paying you shit!

Give me my money!

I have everything I need right here on this camera.

Oh!

Well, isn't that swell?

Give me the camera.

No.

Give me the fucking camera now!

No!

Give it!

Now!

Shouldn't have told him you had it.

Shut the fuck up, Marty.

Now, if you guys say anything,

I'mma come back and kill both of you.

Bye.

Hey.

Jericho?

Jericho.

Jericho.

Buddy.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Okay.

Okay, Coley, we gotta stop. Can we stop?

Can we stop, please? Let's take a breather.

Let's set him down. I'm gonna set him down, okay?

God, he's a heavy, heavy guy.

Okay, I don't mean to sound insensitive,

because I know you're sort of mourning right now,

but our situation's looking pretty bleak.

We're in the middle of the wilderness,

we've got one murdered body,

and our douche lord of a guide ditched us,

and he's probably gonna blame this whole situation on us.

We look like suspects number one and two.

You're out of cell range.

I've been out of minutes for weeks.

I think the best thing to do would be to get rid

of this body somehow.

And I know... I know... I know... I know, hey,

before you yell at me,

there's two things we can do.

We can either bury him under all these rocks somehow

or I hear a river not that far from here.

We could carry him to there and give him a viking funeral.

Huh?

How's that sound?

That'd be good, huh?

Jericho did love swimming.

Okay, hey!

That's perfect!

We'll just carry him to the river,

gently set him down, give him a good push,

and the current will take care of the rest.

Didn't think it'd be this shallow.

Shit.

Sorry.

See if I can just get some leverage under him

and get him properly out to sea.

Ah!

I need to get in,

really get underneath this son of a bitch.

Oh.

Whoo!

Come on.

Just...

Oh, what's up, y'all?

Oh, you buddies trying to ride the river?

Hey, be water, man.

Keep your head above the water, dude!

How long you think he can hold his breath for?

For real, dude!

Aw, man!

That's awesome. Be water, my man.

Be water!

I tell myself that a lot.

I write it in my journal every morning

to be water because it's important, you know?

Go with the flow.

Don't let things hold you up.

Keep moving at all times because life is energy.

It's constantly in motion and if you're constantly

in motion then you're part of it.

It's like this thing that I'm working on.

Oh.

Totally, man. Seems like you get it.

It's crazy, man. Oh!

This is gonna be gone in a while, man.

Seriously, dude. 5G's coming.

We're all dead, dude. The birds are going.

The bees are going. These trees, man.

They're probably NASA satellite stuff.

All right, man. Adios, y'all.

Hey, keep breathing, dude!

That guy, we get burnouts like that all the time.

All right, come on, you fat son of a bitch.

Let's go!

Viking funeral.

Oh, my God!

I was at Burning Man one time, dude,

and I ended up in this tent where everybody was dressed

in these furry costumes

kinda like your buddy here, dude,

and I walked in, right?

Not in a costume, 'cause I had no idea, man.

Everyone's dry humping each other.

It was so wild, dude.

I'm not in a costume, right?

They all worshiped me, dude.

Ha, ha. That's awesome.

They're all petting my body, dude.

I'm hard as a rock, and they're just like...

everybody's just, like, all over me.

Everybody's just petting me all at the same time.

Nature makes me horny sometimes.

All right, adios.

My name's Peppermint.

I sell acid on Altoids.

If you need anything, let me know.

I'll be on the trail.

Jesus, man. That guy was a nightmare.

He's a lot fatter than he looks.

All right, I think I got underneath him.

Let's leverage it. Ah, there he goes.

Viking funeral.

Wish we could have set him on fire somehow.

Ah, you still have standard packs of another mac and cheese

without a fork.

She's gonna hear it from me. Heh.

Oh, God. What is this?

Am I gonna have to work today?

Excuse me, sir. You can't sleep here.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Guys, we've got a dead teenager by the river.

I need some backup.

Ah, what a shame.

Cute little guy.

A man has been found dead in Redwood Park.

With more on that story is local head park ranger

Joey Johnson.

I found the body myself right down by the river.

It was dressed up in a crazy-looking costume.

I pulled the head off and under it was a white male,

if I had to guess around the age of 16 to 35,

and he had some crazy-lookin' hair.

The cause of death has not been determined yet,

but if I had to guess,

I'd suspect it was murder.

Jericho's in the bathroom

and we're gonna surprise him.

What are you doing?

You're peeing sitting down!

God! This is embarrassing!

What are you do... stop.

- Stop. - What?

No more. Stop.

When we die, we're just gone.

What's the point?

There's an Inuit tribe that believes that when we die,

our spirits are reborn in animals,

and then when we eat them,

it's like we're eating little bites of our loved ones.

And I always thought that was really beautiful.

I don't know. That's just what I believe.

Shut up, Jericho! Oh.

Sorry, it's...

It's okay.

Okay, look.

Coley, I don't think anybody's gonna blame you

if you don't wanna go on any further.

'Cause we got a big journey ahead of us if you keep going.

And we're only, like, a day's hike from civilization.

And I'm only gonna charge you $250 for this whole thing,

so don't worry about that.

We have to keep going and find Bigfoot.

So Jericho's death wasn't in vain.

I don't know.

It's gonna be tough.

And I don't think it's a good idea

for you to be going out there by yourself.

We don't have a guide or anything.

I'm doing this with or without you.

I can't in good conscience let you go out there by yourself

'cause there's no way in heck

you're gonna find Sasquatch without me.

Plus, 300 sounds a lot better than 250.

I could use that 50 bucks.

All right, looks like I'm coming with you.

So let's hit it.

And again, I'm sorry about the snoring.

It's a deviated septum.

It's fine.

There's nothing I can do about it.

- It's fine. - It's just gonna happen.

- Okay. - Okay.

Let's hit it.

But again, it's really just about where

you are in the world.

You know, if you're in the arctic or whatever,

it's a yeti.

If you're down in Argentina, it's the sisiniki.

Australia's the yowie.

It's the yeren.

I would say the typical average height

of a Sasquatch is six to eight feet,

but see, my friend Duncan is of the belief

that it could get anywhere up to 15.

Did you run out of Sasquatch facts?

No, no, no.

Do you wanna hear about Sasquatch mating?

'Cause it... it is violent.

And in all likelihood,

we're gonna hear or smell a Sasquatch

before we actually see one because they let out

a blood-curdling howl and they smell like rotted,

stinking infection, so be prepared for that.

- 15 feet, it's just... - Stop talking.

Stop talking.

It's just crazy.

Oh.

Marty? Marty, where are we going?

We've been down this trail before.

What? I... I don't think so.

I was just following you.

I need to sit down.

You...

Okay.

I just need to rest.

Okay.

You want me to rub your back or...

Do you want me to rub your back?

Okay, I won't.

Ah, smells weird.

As we all know,

my son Jericho had friends from all over the world,

and I know you couldn't all make it here today,

but we appreciate you being part of this.

The priest was going to be joining us

to start with a prayer, but he's a bit delayed,

so I'm gonna start by saying a few words.

Jericho was a special boy.

I would not be the influencer I am today without his help.

May he rest in peace.

And now we have a wonderful surprise.

The contest winner is joining us today

for our funeral.

Is Jericho dead?

No, no.

He's just resting.

I'm pretty sure he's dead.

Any other people would like to chime in,

say a few words about Jericho...

I didn't know Jericho very well but I edited this montage

of my favorite clips from his vlogs.

Hey, guys. Just woke up and had

a crazy dream about a new jingle for my channel.

♪ Jericho, Jericho ♪

I don't know. It's stupid, but I don't know.

Maybe it could be something.

♪ Jericho, Jericho ♪

This is my apology video.

I don't think I was in the wrong about any of it.

Ah!

Today we're doing the clown challenge.

Oh, don't be so close on me!

- Oh, my... - Put it down. Ugh!

Hey you guys,

Jericho's about to try on his new colorblind glasses

to see if he can see the true color of the J

on his overalls.

Oh, my God. It's red.

You can check out the rest of the montage on my channel.

And now here's a dear friend and Jericho's favorite musician.

Please welcome singing sensation Maddie Taylor.

Take it away, Maddie.

♪ There's a hole deep in me that you fill ♪

Hi, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

I can never figure out how these things work.

Father of all,

we pray to you from Jericho.

May his soul and the soul of all the departed through

the mercy of God rest in peace.

Amen.

Amen.

I'm sure God clicked subscribe.

And Maddie, I'm so sorry for the interruption,

but please continue on with your song.

It was so great.

No!

Damn it! We lost Maddie!

This is a disaster.

God almighty, that boy needs help.

Jericho was one of my best friends,

and I'd hate to see justice

from our other half not be served.

I think it's up to our community

to take this case professionally

into our own hands.

Freddie Huff, I'm calling on you to solve this case.

Get Jericho the justice he deserves,

document all of it, and we'll split the ad revenue.

I don't wanna point any fingers or push any false narratives

or anything like that.

But I think Coley killed him.

The way she treated him in all her videos...

- What? - The evidence is there.

Freddie, get us the justice that we deserve.

Justice for Jericho.

And so who walks into the store but Bob freaking Gimlin himself

of Patterson Gimlin.

Patty, that footage, and I'm like,

"Legend is in my store," and by some grace of God,

he agrees to have lunch with me.

I'm so nervous, I don't even eat.

I won't stop talking, but at the end of the meal,

get this. This is where it gets funny.

He doesn't tip, and I"m like, "What?"

So I take that info back to the message board guys

and they're like, "What?" And I'm like, "Yeah.

"Guess what? No Tippin' Gimlin.

I just got lunch with him." And they're like,

"What are you talking about?"

Turns out it wasn't actually him but I still think that's funny.

And the main way to tell the difference between

a hoax Sasquatch print and a real one

is the arch of the foot because it's a very subtle,

distinct arch when it comes to Sasquatch feet,

and most people, they do not get it right and...

I know you're an expert and everything,

but can you please just shut up?

Oh, we've been walking in these woods

for way too long and I've passed this tree three times already!

I didn't know I hired a fucking idiot

to bring me out in the fucking woods

to get lost!

No, you didn't hire me as an idiot

to get you lost in the woods.

You hired me because I'm

an expert on all things Sasquatch

and I'm gonna help you find him,

and I don't appreciate you calling me names.

Because I warned you about Triple T.

The guy is a drunk douche and look what happened.

I'm sorry what happened to your friend Jericho,

but now we are in the woods alone,

and I am nervous, and when I get nervous,

I talk a lot, okay? I'm sorry.

I thought I was following you! You're the one with the map!

I don't know where the hell I'm going!

I'm just looking for scats! I'm looking for scents!

And it's slowly dawning on me as I'm standing here with you

that we are lost and we'll probably die out here.

My sister was right.

My God-forsaken sister was right,

and I am gonna die alone here exactly where my mom died,

and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for me right now

and it's freaking me out a little bit,

and you are acting like a massive...

Bitch about it!

What are you staring at?

There's a creepy teddy bear underneath this tree.

Do you think that was there as the tree was growing,

or did somebody put it there?

- Marty. - What?

That's on my map.

That's the first thing on my map.

The teddy bear's on your map?

Yeah! Yeah.

Oh, my God! So we're not lost.

We know... we're going in the right way.

- Yeah! - So we're doing it!

- Yeah! - So it's a good thing we came

by a third time,

'cause that's how I interpret it!

We're gonna find Sasquatch!

We're on the right track!

I am so sorry I called you a B earlier.

You're not a B.

You were just being so mean to me.

Well, the next stop on the map is this face on a tree,

so we have to...

Face on a tree.

- Get that. - Okay.

There's a lot of trees.

We should probably get going.

Yeah, yeah.

What else is on this map?

'Cause I'm wondering if I could see it.

- I'll show... - At some point.

- Maybe? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, no, I'll show it to you. - Okay.

Like now, or...

Soon.

Okay, well,

I don't know why you're hiding it from... stop running!

And actually you can tell a Sasquatch footprint

by its height as well.

Oh, my God.

Can you please stop talking about it for a second?

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm hungry.

Do you have any other food in your bag other than bagels?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some nuts.

I got a banana, some chocolate.

I could really go for some sushi right now.

Oh, my God. I never had any.

Is it good?

Ah, you guys,

today we are gonna do the Coley makeup challenge,

but before we get started,

here's a preview of the finished look.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to my channel.

Lauren B. Cool here.

So a lot of you guys have been asking

in the comments to discuss Coley.

She was a complete bitch when we did our collab

for the try-not-to-laugh challenge.

She also gave Hottie Toddy chlamydia.

Today we're gonna be discussing the top ten suspects

of who might have killed Jericho,

and number ten, Daddy J,

because I've never seen a parent leech off

their own child like Daddy J.

Oh, crap.

Freddie has to solve the mystery of Jericho's murder

because she always comes through.

They said the Russian doll case was unsolvable,

but Freddie did it, but I mean,

Coley's a babe, so, Team Coley.

Let's get dog.

Oh, good boy. Little baby.

Come on. I got you.

Hello, Huffers. It is I.

Freddie Huff.

I just spent the last four months undercover

as a Russian nanny.

When I heard that my fellow influencer,

his puppy went missing...

Freddie Huff.

I infiltrated a bourgeois-sy Russian family.

What was that? Was that Bigfoot?

Was that a bear?

Think that was...

an owl.

Oh.

I think we should set up a fire to keep them away.

Thanks for coming with me.

Thanks for getting me out of the store.

Daddy J.

Freddie Huff?

Shall we?

All right. Sorry about your door.

So I'm just gonna ask you some questions.

Oh, oh, I can't be filmed right now.

I'm not hair and makeup ready.

Now, I want you to answer these questions truthfully.

- Okay. - Okay.

How did Coley and Jericho meet?

I don't know.

Did Jericho have any enemies?

Any enemies.

I don't know.

Did Jericho have any debts?

Don't know.

When was the last time you spoke to your son?

The last time I spoke to him...

well, maybe it was back, um...

I... I'm not sure. I...

Was Coley abusive towards Jericho?

I don't know! I don't know!

I don't know!

Do you know anything?

No, I don't know anything!

- I am... - Clearly don't know anything!

Listen to me right now.

The only thing that you should be crying about

are your questionable decorative choices.

I am here to get some information.

That is what I need.

Is there anything you can give me?

There is one thing.

My son left a note behind in case anything were

to happen to him.

Here's the note.

I'm giving it to you. I have not looked at it.

Why didn't you lead with this?

I just was so glad you were here,

I didn't...

I'm gonna hold on to this.

There's nothing you really need to worry about.

Okay.

This is going to be very helpful, though.

Oh, okay. I hope so.

I really appreciate your time.

Oh, before you go, could we do a collab together?

I work solo.

Oh, fuck.

So is there, like...

Anything more to you than just Bigfoot?

Yeah, I mean, there's other stuff that I do.

It's not just...

What else do you do?

Um...

I am a...

Celebrity impressionist.

I know, I know.

It's, like, the dorkiest thing about me.

No, it's not. I mean, I do impressions, too.

You do?

Yeah, I... yeah.

Oh, my God. That's... that's amazing!

I've never told anybody I do impressions,

but... and the person I do does them as well.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's awesome! Do you do them on your channel?

No, no. No one cares if I do that.

Yeah, they will.

You should because it's an art form.

Come on. Let me hear it.

I'll be a judge.

Okay.

Well, oh, well, I'm gonna walk around this park right here.

I'm in the woods. Oh, I see a lot of stuff,

and lots of nature.

It's so stupid.

I know. It's a mouse.

It's the mouse.

- Yeah, that's it. - You nailed that!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, check this one. See if you can guess.

Okay.

I'm... I'm Nick Cage!

Oh, I said it, but, uh...

Nick Cage. Yeah, Nick Cage.

- It's not that good. - No, it's good.

Here we go. This is the original.

First one I learned. Okay.

We're gonna go into the woods.

You gotta go into the woods, you must.

Do it.

Kermit.

Yoda.

Oh!

Yeah, but they're the same.

You have to have an ear, you know?

But that's... good guess. Good guess.

Yeah, yeah.

It's close. I mean...

I like to do this other character that is, like,

an original character. I dunno.

Okay, awesome.

It's, like, a superhero I made up, so...

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm gonna go through the woods

and I'm gonna save the world!

And that's not an impression, but that's really good.

That's fun. This is fun.

I love you!

What'd you say?

I said I need to go wash my clothes.

In the river, so that is what I'm gonna do,

and I need some privacy and I will be back shortly!

Okay!

Stupid.

Coley!

Oh!

Coley!

Coley! I heard it!

A Sasquatch howl!

Coley! Coley!

Coley! Coley!

What?

I heard a Sasquatch howl down by the river.

What? You heard Sasquatch?

Yes! An unmistakable growl.

Whoa, where did you get that?

You shouldn't be touching that! Put that down right now!

Sorry, I was looking for a charger!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like that.

It's just, those are my mom's ashes,

and I know that that's weird,

but it's just that I made a promise to her

before she died that I would sprinkle her ashes

in the footprint of a Sasquatch if I ever found one,

and this seemed like the opportunity

and I didn't tell you because I didn't want you

to think I was weird for having my mom's ashes in...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to freak out.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you remember earlier when I told you

I needed to go wash my clothes?

Yeah.

Well, that was a lie,

because what I really said was...

That I love you.

From the first moment I saw you, I loved you.

As a man can love a woman, I love you, Coley.

I love you, too.

Hey.

Where are your pants?

They're still down by the river.

I should probably go get those right now.

Wait, did you hear Bigfoot?

Sasquatch! And no, I think it was a bear!

Shut up, Jericho.

I have more subscribers than you.

I'm the only reason you're famous.

Got it?

That's how she talked to him.

- Just like that. - Just like that?

- Really that mean to him. - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm, mean. - Mm-hmm.

Can I ask your daughter a few questions?

- Oh, sure. - Yeah.

Haley, my name is Freddie Huff. I'm an investigator.

Hi, Freddie.

Okay, now which puppet would you like to speak to?

Can I speak to Princess Jericho, please?

Oh, Princess Jericho.

Okay.

Uh...

Hello, Haley. My name is Princess Jericho.

Hi, Princess Jericho. It's so nice to meet you.

Now, when Coley spoke to you, was she nice?

Or was she mean?

She was mean.

What did she say?

Shut up, Jericho!

You're the worst!

"You're the worst", she said.

Thank you so much, Princess Haley.

Goodbye.

And then she came in and interrupted us.

I was singing for Jericho.

I have an incredibly beautiful, talented voice,

and I'm singing my heart out.

I think in his name since he's gone,

I'd like to sing the rest of the song right now.

Oh, I hate music.

- Okay. - Oh.

Well, you know, just to let you know,

I know I'm not a detective like you,

but I do watch a lot of true crime.

The way that Coley was talking to Jericho,

the look in her eyes, you just knew.

Malintent.

- Justice for Jericho. - Justice for Jericho.

Justice for Jericho.

You two have been very helpful.

I understand that there is evidence.

There's a photograph...

- Yes. - Yes.

That you took with Coley and Jericho.

Yes, great picture of all of us.

Please, could you AirDrop that to me?

That would be very helpful.

We're not adjusting the brightness, sweetie.

AirDrop.

There.

There we...

Did you see her leave?

No.

So I just left Greg and Kim's house

and it is confirmed that that was the last place

that Jericho was seen alive.

It was pretty heartbreaking to hear how Coley

was treating Jericho in his final moments,

and pretty disgusting how she was speaking to a child.

So this is the kind of sociopath

that we're actually dealing with.

I have every reason to believe that Coley did it.

I'm hot on her trail.

I'm not gonna quit until this thing is solved.

If you're new to my channel, be sure to like and subscribe.

What's up, guys?

We have a breaking news story!

Freddie Huff just uploaded a vlog exposing more evidence

that Coley is involved in Jericho's murder!

This is a massive deal, and more importantly,

it's trending!

♪ Justice for Jericho He's gone ♪

No more Jericho vlogs?

My life is over!

Hey, Daddy-o's. Justice for Jericho needs to happen.

I can't even right now.

♪ Jericho he's gone ♪

I'm going on a hunger strike until Coley is arrested

for Jericho's murder.

There's no way Coley did this.

When my page was struggling,

she gave me the shout out I needed.

She's innocent. Stay strong, girl.

Hey, Coley? What's going on?

How are ya?

Yeah, we know you killed Jericho,

and we're gonna cancel ya.

That's why I made these shirts.

Cancel Coley. $47 in the merch store.

Coley and Jericho are literally so in love.

There's no way she would kill him.

I know, guys.

They're, like, the number one YouTube couple.

♪ We love you Jericho ♪

You wanna know what I think of Coley specifically?

All I know is that Coley definitely killed Jericho.

Bro, I heard that Jericho was into some weird shit!

She did not kill him, all right?

You're ignorant, bro. Come on.

No way. Comment down below

if you think she killed him

or if you think this guy's an idiot.

Or comment down below if this guy's an idiot.

How the hell did we end up at the ocean?

I've never been to the ocean where it's cold.

It's cold here.

Oh, yeah.

I've never been to an ocean, so...

It's pretty good, so...

Hey, guys. It's Coley.

Just wanted to say hi. Look how beautiful it is.

Look at the sunset.

This couldn't be a more blessed day.

Look at those waves.

I love it here.

Love you. Miss you.

Do you really believe that? What you're saying?

Why do you do what you do on YouTube, you know?

I don't know.

I guess it was fun at first.

I was doing so many videos

and me and Jericho were just having fun

and then we started getting, like, more and more views,

and I started getting more famous,

and I got recognized at Hot Topic.

Wow, that's major.

- Yeah. - That's big time.

It was pretty, really, I don't know.

It was a lot and then to me

it wasn't really fun anymore, so...

Totally.

Yeah, I got a pretty solid following right now

on the message boards.

About 14 guys,

but lately I've just had a sneaking suspicion

they started one without me, but...

I get it. I mean...

- No one respects you. - Sometimes no one respects you.

Like I sometimes, I get, like,

10,000 likes on, like, a video or a picture now,

and I'm just like, "Where is everyone?"

Jeez.

But you get money from that, right?

So at least you got some financial security.

Your parents must be happy.

I don't even talk to my parents.

I don't have a relationship with them at all.

I know what that's all about.

'Cause my mom's dead.

So...

Well, you have Jericho, you know?

I had.

Had Jericho.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy.

We never had sex.

Yeah, that's not that crazy.

Kinda saw that coming.

I mean, we kissed a lot and we had, like,

a lot of make out seshes,

but he just wanted to wait for marriage,

and I waited and I gave up hooking up with Hottie Toddy

who was hooking up with all these girls

and all these Instagram models and I said no.

I'm with Jericho.

Oh, God.

Toddy's Hottie... he's hot, I assume?

He was so hot. He was so hot.

Coley, you're just as good as any of them, you know?

You shouldn't have to compare yourself to them

'cause I think you're great just the way you are.

But what do I know? I've never even kissed a girl.

So...

Never found the right one. It's what I tell myself.

Okay, I have to go get my place to sleep.

Okay.

Okay.

♪ Because she kissed me ♪

♪ And I think that I love her ♪

Hey, angel face.

I cooked us up a banquet.

Cop a feel on a seat right next to me.

Ooh.

It's a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich.

Thank you.

Oh.

Bon apetit.

So last night was crazy.

'Cause we kissed.

It was nice.

It was fun. It was nice.

It wasn't super wet or anything.

It was just a simple good first kiss.

It was just a kiss.

Mm.

It was my first kiss, so...

Pretty special to me.

We should really get going.

- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah.

Why don't you pack up,

maybe go to the bathroom, and we'll hit it.

Mm, okay.

Okay.

Ernie, I would rather not do any of the cleaning

or the port-a-potties or the sale stuff,

so if you could just, like, handle all of that,

then that would be really great. Can you do that?

Yeah. I think so.

Then go!

Thank you.

Question.

What?

Do you run this store,

or is that only when your brother Marty goes missing?

Who are you?

Freddie Huff, Freddie Investigates.

You a cop?

Am I a cop?

FBI.

FBI?

Big pharma? Big government?

- Excuse me? - Big brother.

I really need to know, though, where is your brother Marty?

When was the last time you spoke to him?

I'm not a rat.

Oh, you're one of those.

Okay, listen to me, mountain momma.

I didn't drive nine fucking hours

down country road to catch your port-a-pottie attitude

so I'm gonna give you two choices.

One, you can start talking, or two, I can leave,

and you can continue to live out your small,

Humboldt County life under the shadow of your brother

and dead mother and, with the looming stench

that is Toothless Ernie,

which is unfortunately the scent of...

Chicken.

All right, big brother.

Bye.

Have a nice day.

You know what? It's okay.

- Come back. - What do you know?

Last time I saw him,

he was with this, like, Pop Tart and then this random

little Rainbow Brite character that was very fluffy.

Coley and Jericho.

And then they went to go see Thomas Teito.

- Who? - Thomas Teito. It's Triple T.

There's... there's a brochure in the front.

Okay, that's rude.

And so because of your leadership skills,

your spunk, and your soft skin,

I'm gonna guess you're a Gemini.

I'm a Leo.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

Did you fall? Did you trip?

Ah, stop!

- What the he... - Ow!

Can you walk?

I think it's broken!

Uh...

I think it's broken at this spot right here.

I can't walk anywhere now.

If I get tracked by a bear, I'm gonna die.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Marty! Look at the tree!

What? Ah!

Oh, my God!

It's the face! It's the face from the map!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Get the map out! Is that the face?

- Oh, oh, oh! - That's gotta be it!

- Ah, that's it! - Ah!

Oh, my God!

Come on, sweetie, let's go!

- We're so close! - Oh!

- Ow! - Are you okay!

Oh, I can't walk.

No, you don't have to walk

because your prince is here,

and I will carry you!

Your beauty gives me strength!

Let's get Bigfoot!

Sasquatch!

Name's Triple T.

Welcome to my dangerous animal tour.

Now, if we're lucky,

we might even get to see some night owls.

Any questions?

The American bush.

Lot different from the Outback.

Let's get this party started.

So, how long you staying?

Oh, another week.

You know, I got out of a sticky relationship

so I came to the Redwoods

to just surround myself with nature.

You know, if I may ask,

where is that beautiful accent from?

Oh, Australia.

- Australia? - Mm-hmm.

No way.

I've been to Australia.

No.

Yeah.

I once killed myself a koala bear.

Oh, koala bears are dicks.

Thank you.

Wow.

You know, right before I killed him,

I looked at it deep in the eyes.

And I told him...

Welcome...

To the circle...

Of life.

How'd you do it?

I ran that sucker over with my car.

Oh.

Well, you seem like a go-getter.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, speaking of which, I dunno if you heard this,

but there's been a murder in the forest.

A murder?

Huh.

No, I haven't heard anything about it.

Oh, no?

Oh, it's all over the news. They're looking for the suspect.

Really, now?

Any leads?

Oh, there's a lead.

I dunno if you recognize this person or not.

No, I can't say, but let me take a closer peek.

Thank you.

Thank you very...

Much.

Guys, Coley's with a Bigfoot expert

named Marty Meltzer who she's probably

holding hostage. Wild!

I urge all of you to do all you can

to help stop this fucking psychopath.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's narcissistic murderers who insist

on poisoning society for views and attention

without even seeing that they're the poison themselves.

This monster must be stopped.

So is Yoda from that space movie?

Yeah, and I honestly kinda feel like Luke Skywalker right now

and you're my little baby Yoda master.

"Find Bigfoot, we will."

Sasquatch, you mean.

'Cause you shouldn't say Bigfoot.

- Yeah, I know. - It's Sasquatch.

I know.

Boom.

Oh, you are not trained.

Jesus.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ready, Freddie.

Whoa, fallen trees.

Yeah.

Did you know you can eat moss?

I mean, you might get sick, it might make you throw up,

but you can still eat it.

Wait, Marty. Stop.

Do you have to go to the bathroom again?

I'm serious. You gotta stop.

No. No, that's the X on the map!

- That is? - Yes!

- The trees are? - Yeah!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The tree... careful!

The X is on the map!

- That's it! - The trees are the X's!

- Yes! - So the map is legit!

Yeah!

So we found the Sasquatch nest!

- This is it! - Oh, my God!

I can't believe we're here!

Oh, my God!

It's just interesting because this doesn't feel like where

a Sasquatch would nest.

Yeah, but the map has been right the whole time.

I trust the map.

Not near water, but...

No, but this is it.

- Okay, all right. - This is it.

- Oh! - Ah.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

So what do we do now?

Well, guess we just wait.

Let Sasquatch come to us.

Yeah.

This isn't right.

Hmm?

This. This isn't right.

This doesn't make any sense.

We've been out here for, like, two hours already.

We're not near any water.

There's no footprints.

Where are the footprints?

And what is that map?

Haley's map.

Dr. Deborah Haley, the tracker from Canada?

Mm, no.

No.

Then who?

Haley. Haley.

She was on the news the other day.

She... she saw Bigfoot.

She... she's a five-year-old.

We've been following a map that was drawn by a five-year-old?

Oh, great.

Oh, what a waste of time.

You know what?

It's been more useful than your stupid book!

How dare you talk about my mom's book like that?

She gave her life writing this book,

and it certainly would have gotten us a lot further

than some map that was made by a five-year-old!

You know what? I don't need you.

I've never needed you. I can do this myself.

I'm gonna wait for Bigfoot myself!

Well, good luck finding something

that doesn't exist!

Why do you think nobody's ever seen one?

Bigfoot.

Sasquatch, the yeti, the abominable snowman,

it's all bull spit!

It doesn't exist!

It's been made up.

Most of the time people say they saw something

it's usually a gorilla or some sort of homeless guy

or something.

You told me about your mom!

You said your mom died from Bigfoot!

- You said that! - My mom died from a fall, okay?

We were in the woods hiking,

looking for Sasquatch footprints,

and she fell,

and I was the only one there,

and I couldn't help her.

And she made me promise on her deathbed...

That I would tell people she died

at the hand of Sasquatch.

So maybe it would bring in business for the store

and me and my sister would be taken care of.

I want you to leave.

I want you to go.

Fine, good, easy. I'm gone.

Good luck finding him.

Marty.

Hey.

You can't...

Oh, that's embarrassing.

You can't be here.

Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.

Why? Is there something going on?

What's going on?

Everything is going on.

Earlier this week, I found a dead body.

What?

I discovered it. I pulled the head off it.

It was, like, in a costume. I pulled it off,

and this guy was dead inside there.

It was pretty traumatic, and before that,

there was a Bigfoot sighting, believe it or not,

in this forest.

Oh, my gosh.

So we gotta keep the woods clear and you just...

you gotta go. I'll get in trouble.

For a woodland warden, you are busy.

Thank God you're here.

I could have been hurt.

I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't have normally done this but,

I'm researching for a role. I'm a movie star.

A movie star?

Now, that's a cool idea.

What's your name?

Freddie Huff.

Freddie Huff?

Freddie Huff sounds very familiar.

What movies have you been in?

Oh, what movies am I not in?

I'm in "Gal Goes to the City,"

"Gal Goes to the Beach," and,

"Gal Goes Down Under."

I've heard... I recognize that accent.

- I've seen that one. - I knew it.

It's very good. Can I get a selfie?

Oh, of course.

Yes. Yeah, let's get one.

Let's get one.

Well, you better tag me.

Okay.

Okay, 'cause I don't have many followers, but, um...

All right, say cheese.

- One, two, three. - Cheese.

Oh, great. Oh, that's so cool.

I gotta walkie the boys, tell them what's going on.

- Oh, yeah, please. - One sec, Freddie.

Guys, guys,

I just met a famous movie actress.

Her name is Freddie Huff. Have you heard of her?

Anyways, she's super nice. We just took a selfie.

Let me get you guys to talk to Freddie.

Freddie, say hi.

Freddie Huff is on the loose in the forest

and I have no idea where she went.

Gonna be fine. It's gonna be okay.

Hello, little missy.

Now, you're gonna stand up, but be quiet about it.

Come on. Stand up.

Slowly now.

There you are. Slow.

Now you're gonna walk backwards wit me.

Come on. Come on now.

Come on.

Marty! Marty!

Don't! Don't!

Say nothing! What did I say?

- Marty! - What did I say?

Marty!

You think you can do... stupid.

What do you think you're gonna do?

Fuck!

Holy schnucks.

Some kinda energy coming off here.

This'll do it.

Well...

It's not a 'squatch footprint...

But I think it'll have to do, Mom.

I really miss you and I hope

that wherever you are, you're really proud of me.

'Cause that's all I wanted to do.

Rest in peace, Mom.

And I kissed a girl.

I kissed her.

Mom?

Hi.

- Marty! - Hey.

Marty!

That was Sasquatch!

Oh, my God!

Keep it moving.

What do you want from me?

Got a pretty little bounty on your head,

so I thought I'd be opportunistic.

Freeze!

Freddie Huff, Freddie Investigates.

Huff?

Coley, haven't seen you since the Streamies.

You had a good win.

You two are under arrest for the murder

of Jericho Rosenberg.

Ah!

Whoo-wee!

K.O. delivered by Triple T!

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Ah!

What did I tell you, huh?

What did I say?

Suck my ass, Triple T.

Suck my ass.

Mouthing off gets you a bullet in the leg.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking shit!

You suck!

- Oh! - You suck so bad!

- Fuck. - Hey!

It looks like you're gonna be eating my fist, Triple Dick!

Oh, fuck!

Why are you such a douche?

Wrong move, baby bro.

Now welcome to the circle of li...

You just shot him at point blank range!

Coley, you saved my life!

That was awesome!

We just came in...

What?

Shh. Uh-oh.

Oh, shit!

That's awful!

Oh!

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

Yeah.

You know why it's okay?

Mm?

Because I met you.

And I saw him.

Who did you see?

I saw Bigfoot.

Don't you mean Sasquatch?

Marty.

Oh, God. Marty.

Marty!

Marty! Marty!

No.

No.

You're a good person, Marty.

Ah.

Ow.

Ah. Ah.

Ow.

Oh, no. Crap, crap, crap.

Are they playing? What's going on?

Oh, no. I shouldn't have touched him.

They're dead.

Guys, I need some backup. We got two fatalities.

YouTuber turned YouKiller.

My thorough investigation led me straight to her in the forest.

She did this to me,

and then I saw her kill two people.

There's a killer on the loose. Coley.

She did it.

Two more bodies have been discovered

in Redwood Park.

The bodies were found right next to each other

and just miles apart from the body

of the young boy Jericho Rosenberg.

Guys! Holy shit!

This is the best news this channel's ever received!

Coley killed Jericho! Coley killed Jericho!

What the fuck did I tell you?

And now this bitch is on a fucking murder spree!

She killed the Bigfoot expert and a tour guide!

It's fucking lit! Let's go!

Yeah, yeah.

It's messed up that Coley killed some people,

but she's a legend!

She inspired me to make my own channel.

Yes! Coley's back on top!

Okay!

Jericho was so nice to me at his meet-and-greet.

He did not deserve to die.

Let's make one thing clear. Coley's a bitch.

Fastest growing YouTuber of all time?

Coley doesn't deserve that.

Some of us have to work real hard for our views.

I'm so proud to be part of the Coley Nation.

Whoo!

Coley is doing this all for clickbait.

Clickbait?

She hasn't even uploaded anything.

It's a hoax.

I know I'm too old to care about influencers,

but have you guys heard about this Coley killer?

Freddie Huff's video is conclusive evidence

that Coley murdered my son.

Justice for Jericho has been served.

Ah, ah!

Oh!

Ah!

Jericho?

Coley, we did it!

What?

Get up and find cell service! Check your channel!

Huh?

You better hurry up 'cause you don't look so good.

Yeah.

Hey, what's Heaven like?

Ooh, bad news.

I went to Hell, but it's kinda chill.

Jericho!

What did you wanna tell me before you died?

I don't remember.

Bye!

Ah! Ooh!

Ah, ah!

♪ Fears become wishes I hope that you hear this ♪

♪ And stop giving power to all of your visions ♪

♪ They cannot stay Give them away ♪

♪ They're all in your mind Leave them behind ♪

♪ Words become wishes I hope that you hear this ♪

♪ And stop saying vicious things about your own being ♪

♪ Take yourself home Be there alone ♪

♪ Sit by yourself No telephone ♪

♪ Oh I hope you find wisdom in all of your wanderings ♪

♪ I hope you find now and lose your longing ♪

♪ For other times Future or behind ♪

♪ We only live now Inside the mind ♪

♪ And I hope you find blessings in all of your losses ♪

♪ And stop bearing burdens of earthly crosses ♪

♪ We're all visitors here Travelers my dear ♪

♪ All built by scars from other stars ♪

♪ Fears become wishes I hope that you hear this ♪

♪ And stop giving power to all of your visions ♪

♪ They cannot stay Give them away ♪

♪ They're only in your mind Leave them behind ♪

♪ Check the power Refresh the browser ♪

♪ Test my connection Restart the router ♪

♪ Shut it down Count to ten ♪

♪ Fire it up again ♪

♪ But we'll never see another post on his feed ♪

♪ This is painful So fucking painful ♪

♪ Heaven gained an influencer but we lost an angel ♪

♪ Taken before his time Senselessly unsubscribed ♪

♪ From his life ♪

♪ Justice for Jericho ♪

♪ Justice for Jericho ♪

♪ Clicking through old videos desperate for connection ♪

♪ Hashtag Justice for Jericho in the comments section ♪

♪ All caps No fucks ♪

♪ He's gone Life sucks ♪

♪ But we won't rest till we have justice for Jericho ♪

♪ Justice for Jericho ♪

♪ Justice for Jericho ♪

♪ Justice for Jericho ♪

We have an eyewitness testimony in Coley Wither's

and Jericho Rosenberg's murder saga.

Yes, I was there.

100% absolutely for sure, definitely,

because I saw them there absolutely

at the river bank where the water meets the earth

which is a whole 'nother thing that we can get into later

because right now the little furry guy was down

on the ground if I remember correctly

and a guy with glasses was poking him with a stick

and I thought he was trying to lift him off

to do a down the river float which I've done, like,

multiple times, man. Let your body go.

Be water. Go with the flow.

Everything's in tune,

but what I didn't know is that this young man was dead inside

the furry costume. Had I known...

I could have resuscitated him.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull