Original subtitles

Goodbye, Mrs Stubbs. Thank you, Mr Stubbs. It'll keep us going.

So tha's still at it, then?

I'm delighted, Mr Biggins, you called us in early for once. It makes all the difference.

Won't make any difference to the bill, though.

It makes all the difference to the health of the beast. That's the point.

But it's nowt but pus between cleats.

Tha'll call it foul-in-the-foot and charge me through the nose.

We spend all too much of our time dealing with chronic cases

which should never have been allowed to become chronic.

More preventative treatment, that's what we should be doing.

Oh, aye?

Yeah, well, then you'd never be off the premises.

We'd have a dale full of fat cattle and bankrupt farmers.

And then tha'd see how the other half lives,

with no farmers to fleece.

So long as we are all in business, Mr Biggins,

I would very greatly appreciate the settlement of your account.

Oh, aye?

(cat meows)

That cat doesn't look just quite right in hisself.

Wearing out.

I'm wondering if I oughtn't to shoot him or summat.

I don't think I'd recommend anything as drastic as that, Mr Biggins.

Well, there's no point in messing around a lot with cats.

Not to my mind of thinking.

Your brother likes fussing with 'em, though.

Yes, my brother's very interested in the feline species.

(blues playing loudly)

Tris. Tris, I wondered if…

(turns down volume)

Helen's at a rehearsal at Hargrove. I said I'd pick her up,

but I still haven't finished here, so if you've got nothing on…

- I'd love to, James, but, um… - "But, um…" what?

I really must get down to it once I've finished this. You know, calls to make.

Places to go, people to, um…

- See? - Yes, exactly.

- Never mind. - Oh, James. Could you, um…?

Yes, of course.

(turns offmusic)

- Hello, James. - Ah. Any joy from Biggins?

Do you think he even knows the meaning of the word?

You know, we're much too soft in this practice sometimes.

Altogether too soft.

- Hello, Mrs Alton. Is that for me? - It is.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.

- We're keeping you busy, I see. - Aye.

I've had to miss choral society practice and it's the concert next week.

Oh, my dear. Well, I am sorry to hear that.

The house has been so phenomenally tidy ever since you came to us,

I can't see that there should have been any difficulty in a mere afternoon off.

If I left Mr Tristan here on his own for the afternoon, it'd not be tidy for long.

I don't know how one man can get through this much crockery.

Well, I'll have a word with him, of course.

As for that mu… Well, you can't call it music.

But there's no good comes of it. I do know that.

It's not what I'd expected, not in a professional household.

(blues plays loudly)

(music gets louder)

- Tristan, this is not a dance hall, this is a… - (phone rings)

..a professional household, and you're supposed to be a partner.

- Damn! - (phone continues to ring)

Darrowby 385!

Oh, hello, Granville! How are you?

Yes, yes.

Yes, we've got a pack of hounds in the sitting room.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that.

Of course we'll have a look at her.

This evening? Uh… Well, certainly you can stay the night.

I shan't be here myself, but the other two will do the honours for you.

Well, I look forward to seeing you later, then, Granville. Right, well, bye.

Tristan, for God's sake!

It's got to be loud. That's what it's all about.

Will you kindly turn that damn thing off!

Apart from the professional problems

presented by not being able to hear the telephone bell -

and the effect on one's own eardrums -

Mrs Alton is being persuaded that strange rites are going on behind closed doors.

If only there were.

I do not wish to lose her.

Absolutely not, Siegfried. You can count on me.

(phone rings)

Tristan! Telephone.

- (phone continues to ring) - (Tristan hums blues piece)

Darrowby 385.

Yes, it is Mr Farnon.

Yes, Mr Tristan Farnon, the very same.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr Biggins.

Uh, no, I can't place the cow myself. Who saw it?

Looks like straightforward pyometra.

Course, that little bitch is getting on, you know, isn't she?

- Persephone? - Mmm.

Granville's so touchy about his own animals.

It's one of his most endearing qualities. Don't you agree?

He has all too many endearing qualities. I've had the hangovers to prove it.

Well, but marvellous company, isn't he?

That's the problem.

Hm? Well, I hope you can show him some real hospitality tonight anyway.

- Is he staying? - He's insistent that he'll be no trouble.

As if he could be, dear man. You will help out, won't you?

Of course you will, old friend like Granville.

I think Helen was hoping for a quiet evening at home.

My dear man, there's no such thing in veterinary practice.

And you… you heard that frightful cacophony just now -

Tristan's stuff.

Well, you know, he hasn't exactly won Mrs Alton over,

and an evening with Granville… Most charming man on earth.

But she might not understand all those high spirits, and Tristan's so easily led.

For any leading astray, Granville's your man.

Yes, exactly. That's why your restraining hand

is so vitally important, my dear James.

Siegfried, I'd like to see Granville, of course I would, but…

Maybe we could keep a steadier hand than usual with our combined forces.

I knew I could rely on you. I wish I could be with you.

Blasted dinner in Broughton. I don't want to go, but I've got to.

- Wait a minute, Siegfried… - James!

You made me feel rather guilty. I know how busy you are.

I've got a few things I could be doing over in Hargrove. Well, quite a few things.

I could easily pick Helen up from the village hall, save you the trip.

That's very good of you, Tris. Thanks.

Oh, by the way, Mr Biggins phoned.

He's not too happy with the cow you saw this morning.

He's not happy with the diagnosis or the treatment

and he wants someone to look at her this afternoon. I must dash.

He argues every farthing on every bill,

but never settles his account from one year to the next,

he's forever trying to get treatment and advice without paying for it.

He's ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-tempered,

and now he's dissatisfied with the service that we offer!

Come on, don't mince your words. Say what you mean.

Well, l…

James, I'm not amused when my professional judgment is questioned.

No, of course not. Nevertheless, you're going to have to visit that cow of his again.

Never let it be said that this practice does not respond to the requests of clients,

however unreasonable.

If he wants a second opinion, you'd better give him yours.

- What?! - And, uh…

while you're about it, James, see if you can get out of him what he owes us.

- Siegfried… - (doorslams)

Thanks a lot!

Music Well, I'm getting up this morning I believe I'll dust my broom

Music Well, I'm getting up this morning I believe I'll dust my broom

(choirsings)

All right, I think that will do for now.

Thank you very much, everybody. I'll see you all tomorrow night.

- Your carriage awaits. - I thought James was coming.

- Ah. Too busy, I'm afraid, so I offered. - I know how much you like this music.

The thing to do is slip to the pub after the start and get back in time for the finish.

That's what I always used to do when I was at school.

- I thought you used to be in the choir. - Uh, yes, I was.

Oh, Jane…

- Tris, do you know Jane Mercer? - I'm sure I should.

Frank Mercer's daughter, remember? Birstwith Farm?

- Good Lord! It must be… - Well, let's just say several years.

I hope you haven't got a lift home. Well, what I mean is…

Patience. I was about to say could you possibly drop Jane off.

- Ah! I just heard the tail end of the music. - Oh, it was very scrappy.

Nonsense. It sounded marvellous.

I've always had a bit of a passion for choral music myself.

It's so… well…

- Choral? - (all laugh)

Come on.

I'd love to have kept up singing myself, but there's so little time.

I don't know. It's only a couple of hours a week.

Yes, but when a sudden emergency can crop up at any time…

- At least you can enjoy others' singing. - I would do…

But there's always the danger of an emergency, isn't there?

I've been out of touch. I've been working away, like you. In lreland, actually.

- Oh, really? - On the west coast.

- Marvellous country. Wonderful people. - I've never been. Heard a lot about it.

Whatever you've heard, it's much more beautiful.

It helps if you can pick up a bit of the lingo.

I was in the Gaeltacht. In fact, I managed to pick up quite a bit.

(speaks lrish Gaelic)

An lrish boyfriend. In Scarborough.

That's the thing about lrish, of course - the dialects. They vary such a lot.

Rory's a native speaker.

I'll never understand why he works in Scarborough. He can't stand the English.

- He makes an exception in your case? - Oh, definitely.

Well, "made" rather than "makes". Past tense.

Oh, it's lovely here, isn't it?

- Yes. - Yes? ls that all?

Cos you live here all the time, you just don't see it.

Oh, I see it all the more.

Mr Farnon. How do?

Hello, Mr Bullock.

You don't see many like her.

No, you certainly don't.

- So you don't like it? - I'm too contrary.

When I'm here, I want to be somewhere else,

when I'm somewhere else, I want to be here.

Oh! That doesn't look very fair.

- Hello, Mr Bullock. - Look at her.

Aye. Good for nowt, she is.

There's nowhere to shelter. Tristan, don't you think she should be stabled?

We should go. Mr Bullock's donkey is his business.

- Her coat's all matted. - I shouldn't worry your pretty little head.

- Helen, don't you think she's in pain? - She doesn't look very comfortable.

Are times so hard you need to send your womenfolk out to tout for business now?

She is in poor condition, Mr Bullock, and this field is very exposed.

That beast is neither use nor ornament.

You said yourself she was my business. So she is.

- Keep your neb out of it. - If you can't look after her…

I think that's enough, miss. This is my land and I'd like you off it.

Come on.

Aren't you going to do something?

Can't you threaten him with something?

I don't mean a shillelagh, I just mean…

- What about the RSPCA? - If she really was being mistreated, yes.

But he just isn't looking after her as well as he should. That's not the same thing.

It's the same thing as far as I'm concerned.

I'm being professionally compromised here. Surely you can see that.

I'm sorry, Tris. Look, I'll think of something.

Let's meet up tomorrow.

This foot Mr Farnon attended to is fine. It'll be as right as rain in a matter of days.

Then you'll not be charging if there's nowt wrong and no treatment?

Ah. About the matter of charges, Mr Biggins…

Oh, hello.

I don't often see you in here, do I?

You're right off your beat, aren't you?

- Sorry? - I'm talking to this little beggar.

He just sits around all day doing nowt.

I shall have to send the missus out after the mice if he doesn't frame his sen.

He's not worth his keep.

I was wondering if you might settle up.

You'll not be charging me for this visit, I hope.

- Well, it is the normal procedure, yes. - I asked for Mr Farnon.

- You didn't, actually. - I know what I said.

Come on. What you asked for was a second opinion.

I asked for young Mr Farnon, not the old 'un.

- You want Tristan to come out? - Some folks can be on a job too long.

Bit of new blood, that's what we need.

- Well, I'll… - There you are, you see? Look.

He just can't settle, can he?

It's not really advanced, but severe enough.

Yes, I know. The discharge isn't too bad today, but she's thirstier than ever.

Well, this is old hat to you, Granville.

Wouldn't you be happier operating yourself?

Ah, well, l… I'm a bit soft where this old lady's concerned.

- We'd be honoured to do it, of course. - It's going to be all right.

But sooner rather than later.

- I'll take your car back and pick you up. - If I'm called out…

Take Tristan's. You can't drive after an evening with Granville.

- I am not going to drink. - Keys.

- I mean it. - Of course you do.

- See you later. - Yes.

I do appreciate it, Siegfried. So will Zoe.

Hysterectomy on Persephone, James.

- Saturday afternoon all right? - Fine.

- Helen gone? - Yes.

- You've cleared the late pass, have you? - Latish.

I'm dying to sink a few pints, I can tell you.

I wish I could get out of this damn do. Charitable dinners are always so stuffy.

The Langthorpe, James? God, it's months since I was in a decent country pub.

Small-animal practice may be good for the bank balance, but there's a price to pay.

Look, if you want a pint, that's fine, but…

well, I happen to be on the wagon at the moment.

(laughs)

Same old James! What a sense of humour!

Sounds like a good evening. I envy you both.

I'll have to wait till tomorrow for the pleasure of your company. Goodbye.

- Bye, Siegfried. Thank you. - Bye.

I'll settle Persephone, then give Zoe a ring. She'll want to know what we decided.

Why don't you take Tristan and get stuck in?

I'll be with you in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Oh, and, James?

- What? - Order a few for me, will you?

We're in for a long night.

I know, Persephone. It's going to be all right.

- Can I help you at all, Mr Farnon? - Oh, Mrs Alton.

I am sorry it's such short notice

about Mr Bennett staying.

I was just checking up on the whisky.

The decanter in the sitting room is about half full, wouldn't you say?

That's right.

Yes, well, I think that's quite sufficient. I was just going to hide, um…

put these somewhere rather less conspicuous.

With old friends, you know what it's like.

I can't really say that I do, Mr Farnon.

Well, Mr Bennett's such an ebullient personality, and Mr Tristan…

Young blood and all that, you know. Mr Herriot, of course, is sound as a rock.

For the mostpart.

- You're only going for a walk with her. - Yes, but she asked me, James.

She didn't have to.

Oh, she's beautiful. I've never seen any…

- Where have I heard that before? - No, this is…

(both at once) Different.

Mock if you will.

"She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies

And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes."

- How's your orange squash? - It's foul, thanks.

But I promised Helen. I don't know why you're sticking with ginger beer, though.

A fair maiden was rarely wooed by a thick head and the breath of last night's booze.

It's never stopped you before.

It's not often you meet a woman like Jane Mercer.

No, Granville can do his worst. I am utterly resolved.

Oh.

Good evening, Mr Bullock.

You've a nerve, Farnon.

I've no time for women who think they can show a man up

cos they've got more brass or more learning than's good for 'em.

That lass of Frank Mercer's, she should've had her hide tanned ages ago.

Happen she'd be wed with kids by now if she had.

- I wouldn't worry too much about… - I'll worry about what I want!

That donkey's mine, and I'll shift for her if and when I want!

- I don't think it's anything to fall out over. - And your missus is all airs and graces.

"She doesn't look very comfortable."

I'm sorry, but I don't know what this is all about.

Well, I know what it's about, and I'll not have it!

Mr Bullock, you are keeping an animal in awful conditions -

not feeding it properly or providing shelter.

If you object that Miss Mercer had the courage to say that -

and it's more than most men would've done - then sorry, but I say good for her.

(MrBullock growls)

Ah. Good evening. Tristan!

- You've changed your mind. - Afraid not.

But Biggins has been on the telephone. He's got a very sick cow.

- Again? - Yes. And he specifically asked for you.

Now?

I suppose you'd better stay and have one drink with Granville and then go.

No, no, no. Granville won't mind. Duty calls and all that.

Good night, gentlemen. Good luck, James.

There's a good boy. Sorry I can't stay, James.

Granville said he'd be over in a minute. Enjoy yourselves. Good night.

Your cow seems perfectly normal to me, Mr Biggins.

There's nothing wrong with its heart, lungs, stomach or udders.

I know what's notwrong with her.

I sent for you chaps to tell me what is wrong with her.

There's nothing wrong with your cow, Mr Biggins.

Ooh, I don't know.

She were right off-colour all day.

Well, don't you ever feel like that, Mr Biggins? I know I do.

They tell me you're a dab hand with cats.

- Cats? - Aye.

Cats. Meow. (hisses /blows raspberry)

Yes, I'm very fond of cats, Mr Biggins.

Marvellous animals.

I'll tell you a funny thing. The more I learn about cats,

the more puzzled I am by human beings.

Good night.

- Hello, Tris. - Shh. He's asleep.

James?

(sniffs)

Shh.

(snoring)

- (whispers) What? - If he wakes, he'll get his second wind.

- Coffee on at home. - I don't need it.

- What do you mean? - I've beaten him. I'm stone-cold sober.

You are, too. It's not that difficult, is it?

Staying sober with Granville makes a walk on hot coals look like a stroll in the park.

- I ought to be very proud of you, then. - Very.

Right. Can we go home now so I can stop whispering?

(Tristan) Smashing breakfast, Mrs A.

- More? - Oh, I couldn't.

- Granville, how about some music? - Oh, good idea.

I rescued these from the attic. Siegfried's.

- Just the job, I hope. - (Granville chuckles)

(choral Requiem plays)

Oh! Now, that's lovely, Mr Tristan!

Yes, I suppose it is.

Oh, I'll try this one, then.

I gather Miss Mercer prefers the classics.

Miss Mercer? Excuse me. Would that be Jane?

- That's right. - Oh, bonnie lass.

She is. Of course, you're in the choir together.

I've known her all her life. Why she had to go off to Scarborough, I'll never know.

She could've had her pick of all the young men.

Absolutely. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, I might ask her to tea.

There's nothing I'd like better, Mr Tristan.

Mrs Alton, I hope you won't mind,

but you've looked after Persephone and me so well.

Oh, Mr Bennett!

This really isn't necessary.

I think saying thank you to someone special is always necessary.

Well, thanks.

- Good morning, Mrs Alton. - Morning, Mr Farnon.

I, uh…

I do hope everything's all right.

Certainly.

I mean, last night, not too much disruption?

Last night?

I really feel rather guilty. I'd much prefer to have been here to look after them myself,

but, you know, my own commitments…

They didn't find the rest of the whisky?

Oh, Mr Farnon!

I like a joke myself, but not at the expense of others, if you don't mind me saying.

Three better-behaved gentlemen you'd rarely meet.

They were all consideration.

And Mr Bennett, well!

It's been a pleasure having him stay.

(Requiem continues)

Good morning, Siegfried.

Good morning.

Hello.

There we are, Sally. You'll be fine now.

- Good morning, James. - Morning, Siegfried.

- Something wrong? - No, no, no, no, no.

Was it… was it a late night?

No, not really.

But you did stay at the Langthorpe, did you?

Yes, till closing time.

"The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might."

What?

"He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright."

"And that was odd, because it was The middle of the night."

"How late it's getting!"

Don't you agree, Alice?

I really don't see the point of this. I had a row with Bullock last night.

- I hope you put him in his place. - We are on his property. In my position…

You know, you really are a lot more conventional than you like to make out.

Anyway, I don't mind being told I'm stupid - even by a vet.

Now, then.

Isn't anyone looking after you properly?

Yes, well, she's scouring.

Hm. Certainly looks wormy.

- Oh, dear. - What is it?

Her feet are sore.

- What the hell's going on?! - Oh, no.

- I told you this donkey wasn't well. - I'll have the law on you, Farnon.

- Look, I apologise… - You apologise?!

- Just get off my land! - Your donkey is in poor health.

She's scouring, she's raw because of lice and her feet…

You'll tell me next you want paying.

I tried to apologise. That does not alter the donkey's condition.

Five pounds.

- You what? - I'll give you five pounds for her.

Mr Farnon has already contacted the RSPCA.

- They'll almost certainly prosecute. - Jane!

You always were a madam, Jane Mercer.

Take her, then, since you're so concerned.

Now just get off my land, all of you!

Hey, she'll always want to wear the trousers, that one.

Fine. And quite what do you suggest we do now?

Car keys?

I'll take your car. You take the donkey back to the farm.

Shouldn't take much longer than an hour.

That's not much of a bargain. I know that old car was expensive to run, but really!

- I can't get her to move. - Music There's a song in the air

Music But the fair senorita doesn't seem to care

- What? - It's "The Donkey Serenade"!

It worked in the film.

Good luck, old boy.

Do you really want me to sing to you?

I thought that might be too much for you.

Where were you?

Oh, well. You're here now.

Come on. You must be tired.

Come on.

Good girl.

There.

You'll know a bit about our lass now then, Mr Farnon.

Does what she wants. Always has done.

I suppose you weren't expecting a donkey.

She's never brought one home before, nor a veterinary.

(Jane) Come on, Tristan!

I'm not going to wash off more mud now.

She's more badly infected around the heel than I thought.

She must've been like this a long time to develop mud fever.

Thanks, Tris.

I'll think of you when farmers say:

"There goes Farnon, the interfering do-gooder."

- Worth it, though. - Oh, yes.

I'll, um…

get something for the lice.

She was stable through most of yesterday, but she's worse today.

- She's becoming quite toxaemic. - Mm.

- Don't you worry. We're all ready to go. - Stupid of me to delay so long.

All the advice you give other people so readily.

I tell you what. I'll get Persephone ready for the operation,

Iay out the instruments. You go and have a cup of tea.

- I'll be more use here. - Let's see if Mrs Alton's got the kettle on.

Later, James. What anaesthetic will you use? It presents quite a risk, you know.

Any chance of an afternoon with you now?

Thanks again, Tris.

I suppose this is the sort of thing holding you back.

Hm?

One of those emergencies that stops you from being in the choir.

Oh, absolutely. I can't tell you.

It must be very hard.

Very. Very.

All those emergencies.

Oh, this is a different sort of emergency altogether.

Wouldn't you be better off with Pentothal?

I think we know what we're doing.

Yes. Yes, of course. Sorry. Force of habit.

Granville, why don't you go and get a gin and tonic?

Thank you, Siegfried. Later.

(choral Requiem plays)

- Now, I hope this is all right, Jane. - Oh, that looks lovely, Mrs Alton.

I don't think I can eat any, though. I never can before a concert.

Oh, you want a full stomach to sing on. I shall have.

Thanks, Mrs Alton.

- Tristan? - Yes.

Do you have anything a bit, um… Iighter?

Oh. Yes, of course.

(music stops)

(classical music starts)

Tea in front of a roaring fire,

the soothing sound of voices singing.

(loud, dramatic choral singing)

Don't you think a little to the…

Ieft?

- Right, James. - Yes, Siegfried.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm missing teaching.

It's a long way, though, Bristol.

It's the right job for me, Tris. It's what I want.

Oh, well. I suppose it's not that far.

- When do you go exactly? - Exactly, um… tomorrow.

Tomorrow?! Oh, that's terrible!

(sighs) Oh, well. Better get the road maps out.

I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.

I knew it. The lrishman.

No. Well, not exactly.

It's hard to say this without sounding…

Look, the thing is, I'm not in the market for anything serious.

Well, not yet.

I can assure you there's nothing remotely serious about me. Ask Siegfried.

- No, I'm going in! - Mr Biggins, you can't just do that!

It's that sick cow of mine, Mr Farnon. She's still not right.

(sighs)

All right, James. There's the thread. Tie it off, please.

Her heart's all right, is it, Siegfried?

Yes, her heart's doing…

just fine, Granville.

Oh, damn.

- Right. - All right.

In fact, she's doing altogether beautifully.

Now, then. Let's see.

There you are.

Well done, Siegfried.

That's a very neat job, chaps.

Very neat.

I'm still worried about her heart.

Biggins is cracking up. Either that, or he's trying to crack me up.

- I wouldn't put it past him. - Sick cow! He's potty.

All he does is tell you he's going to shoot the cat.

He was murmuring about a cat to me.

The cat! Of course! That's why he wanted you up there.

He's heard of your reputation with cats.

- I don't shoot them. - No, but don't you see?

He realises what a fool he'd look if he's found calling out a vet for his mangy tom.

Ah! A chink in his armour. At last.

I'd be more than happy to do the suturing, Siegfried.

Granville, that's very kind of you, but in my surgery, my suturing. Put that down.

It might amuse you to go and see that cat. James, don't you think it's time

that Tristan took Granville to meet our friend Biggins?

- I think it's high time, Siegfried. - No, I think I'd much rather…

- Oh, whatever you say. - On you go, Tristan.

I'm paying you no more.

I don't see why I should. Not after the times you've been and found nowt wrong.

I need one more look at the cow, then we'll discuss business. First things first.

Oh, I realise that it pays you chaps to take your time about a job

and then hand out blooming great dollops of medicine that I have to pay for.

I've seen it all before.

Oh, by the way, this is Mr Granville Bennett,

the finest small-animal practitioner in the North.

His charges astonish even the senior partner of our practice.

Very pleased to meet you, Mr Biggins. I've heard a lot about you.

- What a lovely cat. - (Biggins grunts)

Couldn't catch a cold, let alone vermin.

- Not been well? - Going downhill fast.

Won't eat owt, won't do owt.

I wonder, would you mind if we took a look at him, as it's Mr Bennett's field?

Well…

Yes, if you've a mind.

Of course, I would not send for a vet to come out. Not to a cat.

Oh, no. Of course not. Just to indulge us, Mr Biggins. I'm very interested in cats.

That's a town practice for you, you see.

Well… Very well, then. Do you want him on the table?

That's a good idea. Tristan, could you get something to wrap him up in?

- Mrs Biggins, have you got a towel? - Aye, right here.

- What do you want that for? - To keep him still.

He may be weak, but he's not too weak to use his claws.

He's got a good set of claws on him still. There.

He'd have you scratched to ribbons by now if he were his sen.

Thank you.

Hm.

- (Tristan) What do you think it is? - Well, it's not anaemia.

Ah.

No, it's a lot simpler than that, happily.

- Could I borrow some instruments? - Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Now, I shall need a spatula.

and some forceps. There we are.

Now, if you could open his mouth for me, Tristan, would you?

Wide as you can.

That's it. That's a good lad.

Yes.

There we are! You've been at those chicken bones again, haven't you?

Well, I'll be jiggered!

Yes, he's lost a lot of fluid. That's why he's so weak.

So give him plenty of extra food, plenty of milk, and he'll be right as rain.

Thank you very much indeed. You managed that a treat.

Oh, all in a day's work. Uh…

Mr Farnon will be sending you his bill,

but I'll have to charge you separately, of course.

Shall we say…

a guinea?

A guinea?

- I usually charge a lot more. - Oh, no, no.

A guinea'll do nicely.

If you have an expert on the job, you must pay an expert's fee.

I know that.

Didn't Siegfried give you Mr Biggins' bill, Tristan? Hm?

Oh, yes. Now you come to mention it.

I'm afraid I don't keep that much money in the house.

Most of my customers prefer to pay by cheque these days.

It's a better reflection of their financial standing, you know.

Certainly. Certainly. I was going to give you a cheque in any case

next time I came down, but seeing that you're here…

- Marvellous. - Would you like some tea?

Oh, yes, please, Mrs Biggins. Something strong and sweet, hm?

And how about something a bit stronger to wash it down, hm?

Certainly. I've got a bottle in the other room. I'll go and fetch it.

Thank you.

Siegfried will never believe this.

"Perm, Your Ladyship? I think what you need is a poodle parlour."

And then she said, "I presume they come in a range of colours, Mr Bennett."

"The dog has a colour, madam. It's white."

She said, "Oh, that won't do at all, Mr Bennett. My new curtains are beige."

(slurring) Amazing what people will waste their brass on.

They always say that more goes out than comes in, don't they, Mr Bennett?

Oh, call me Granville. Please.

Oh!

Another brandy, Granville?

Absolutely, uh…

- Ezra. - Ah, the Book of Ezra!

"Then arose Ezra, and made the chief priests, the Levites and all lsrael

to swear that they should do according to this word."

"And they sware."

Another drink! Another drink.

- Hello, Mr Biggins. - Oh, don't stand on ceremony with us!

Sit thee sen down.

Thank you.

Granville, I popped in to say Persephone is recovering, doing really well.

Thank you. There was no need. I hope I didn't appear that worried.

Afraid you did, actually.

Well, I'll just drink this up and then I'll give Zoe the good tidings.

Oh, I'm sure Ezra would like you to join us.

(slurring) Yes,

sit down, Mr James.

I have another glass.

That's very good of you, Mr Biggins, but I really ought to…

(mouths)

Why not?

- Thank you. - There we are, Jamie, lad.

- It's going down a bit. - Don't fret yourself, Mr Tristan.

There is another bottle where that come from.

Good show.

Mr Biggins, I ought to let Helen know that…

I will telephone later.

Be of good cheer, Jamie, lad.

Gentlemen, and lady,

I give you a toast.

To cats and dogs

and all those who care for them.

(all) To cats and dogs

and all those who care for them.

No, no, no, no. No, Mr Biggins.

Mrs Herriot's here now.

Yes, of course I'll tell her.

I appreciate your concern.

Thank you very much. And a very good evening to you too.

- Is something wrong? - That was Biggins.

Calling to say that James and Tristan will be a little late.

It seems that he is throwing an impromptu soiree

and he's very anxious that you should realise where James is.

He'd like you and me to join them, of course.

Meanwhile, he sends his sincerest felicitations, or words to that effect.

- Mr Biggins? - The very same.

Or rather, not the same.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take you to the concert. You'll be in plenty of time.

Helen.

The idea that Granville should visit us

without wreaking the least havoc in our lives…

is hard to take.

That Mrs Alton is now so tremendously fond of Tristan is not easy to comprehend.

But that Biggins - Biggins - should be entertaining… turns the world on its head.

I'm not sure that I can cope with change on such a monumental scale.

(choirsings)

(Tristan and James laugh drunkenly)

(singing resumes)

(whispers) Sorry.

It's beautiful.

Yes, she certainly is.

Well done, Mrs Alton. That was all very splendid.

- I'm glad some people could enjoy it. - Well, I'm sure everybody enjoyed it.

Yes, well, as I've said before, it's not what you expect in a professional household.

- Well sung, you two. - Thank you.

Do you think they liked it?

Oh, I think they appreciated how much we put into it.

The traditional method of wakening is, I believe, a kiss.

- Which one's the prince? - Oh, you may be in for a disappointment.

- It doesn't look very good, does it? - Certainly not to Mrs Alton.

But I find it all really rather reassuring.

- Ah, Siegfried. - Ah, my dear Tristan. Did you enjoy it?

- I can explain. The thing was… - Granville and Biggins. Say no more.

An unusual combination, perhaps, but lethally formidable.

I have got Biggins' cheque.

The bill's been paid. In full.

Hardly a murmur.

I, um… watched him write it.

Oh, God!

I left it there.

- It doesn't matter. - Doesn't it?

Of course not. Everything's back to normal.