Original subtitles

Come on.

Come on, the stupid thing's offline again.

GPS is supposed to make life easier.

Engine 24, are you en route?

Engine 24 is en route.

Guys, we want to go this way.

Nav-a-Ninja says to go the other way.

Nav-a-Ninja sucks. VROOM is the way to go.

VROOM's the one that makes you take a left turn

into traffic. Who cares?

We're a fire engine. We have a siren.

Just go left. Go right, go right.

24.

Engine 24.

What is your present location?

Hang tight a second, Marnie.

Guys, forget the phones, okay?

I got the whole Tacoma map right here in my steel trap.

We want to go right on Cedar, left on Union, and we're there.

Not according to Nav-a-Ninja. Or VROOM.

24.

24! What's your ETA?

I'm gonna ask this person for directions.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you are not asking that guy.

You're not gonna ask directions.

We can figure this out ourselves.

No, no. I'm gonna ask this guy.

You're not asking for directions.

Don't you-- Oh, you're embarrassing.

Hey, sir. Hi, do you know how to get to 11th Street?

According to VROOM, you guys are way off.

Thank you so much, sir. You have a great day.

Thank you, sir.

That was very helpful and embarrassing.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Sorry.

Engine 24, Engine 18 is on the scene.

You may return to quarters. Here we go.

Copy that. Great.

Should've listened to me. I'm just the captain.

Oh, really? Because your phone says

we needed to pull over 'cause there was an emergency vehicle

on the road.

I don't see any emergency vehicle.

Ike...

we are the emergency vehicle.

Mm, damn!

Shut up, Andy.

♪

♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

All right, everybody, listen up.

As you can imagine,

we're taking some heat for this morning's navigation debacle,

or as I like to call it, Lategate.

Ooh, that's clevs.

So, due to your failure today,

the city has bumped us up the list

to beta-test a new tech system.

It's some sort of cutting-edge system

with a satnav upgrade for the vehicles

and an interconnected suite of AI products

for the entire station, whatever that means.

We don't need that futuristic bullshit to do our jobs.

I'm on your side.

When I was coming up,

a firefighter only needed two things to put out a fire--

balls and water.

You two geezers are just experiencing

classic middle-age technophobia.

And I guarantee you're gonna love having a smart station.

I guarantee I won't.

I'll take my internal GPS

over any new-fangled nav system any day of the week.

Mm. Name any town in America.

I'll tell you the location of the fire hydrants.

Rancho Cucamonga.

Okay, I said "in America."

Kalamazoo. In America!

All right, enough geography for the day.

Back to work, everybody. Let's go.

♪

Oh, wow. Look at this stuff, man.

I mean, Inferna 4000-- this is better than I expected.

They said we're just the second station to beta-test it.

Guys, infrared helmet visors.

These allow us to locate each other in burning buildings,

like infrared through the smoke.

These bracelets will track our vital signs,

our calorie intake, and count our steps.

You can talk to the sensor anywhere in the whole station,

and there's over 100 celebrity voice options.

Inferna, set voice to Sir Ian McKellen.

What is the temperature of the center of the Sun?

The temperature in the center

of the Sun is 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.

Wait, wait, wait.

Inferna, say "I made a cocky-doody

in my big-boy pants."

I've made a cocky-doody in my big-boy pants.

Inferna, what's the longest someone can hold their breath?

Watch this, watch this.

How long can someone hold their breath?

That's so weird.

Uh, maybe it's just, like, a glitch

and just need to work out some kinks.

Don't hold your breath.

Ah, I see what you did there.

Give me that.

If I'm gonna put up with this, I'm gonna pick the voice.

Oh-ho-ho, oh, oh. Here you go.

Inferna, set voice to Reba McEntire...

Oh!

And say "get to work, you slackers.

Get to work, you slackers.

all: Oh!

So hot. Yeah, and so sexy.

Ah, that's not that sexy.

What? Carry on.

Okay, my turn, my turn.

Inferna, change voice to Antonio Banderas

and say "oke-silly-dilly-dokeo, I'm an idiot."

Oke-silly-dilly-dokeo,

I am an idiot.

"To activate the digital assignment board,

"use the swipe sensor

to enter the station system's ten-digit operational code."

Operational code? I think I remember that.

Ah, I don't want to see your concentration face, Eddie.

It's gross.

I love the Penisi concentration face.

Gampy does it, too.

It's like he's trying to crap out

an entire rotisserie chicken. I'm confused.

Help him out. Here.

Oh. You don't need this?

Here you go. All set.

That's my girl. Millennials.

Hello.

What the hell is this?

It's part of the package.

It's a mobile vending machine that talks to you.

I am Snak-a-Ton.

Nice to meet you, Chief McConky.

Hey, how does it know my name?

Oh, come on, Dad.

Every robot knows the man in charge.

Check this out.

Hey, Snak-a-ton, can I have some corn chips?

Corn chips.

Oh. Oh.

Pretty impressive.

Come on.

Yeah, what's your modern technology gonna do about that?

Ooh, that's Broomba.

Beat it, Broomba.

Get out of here, you little cockroach.

I don't like robots. What is wrong with you?

Engine 24,

Rescue 42 respond, priority one, to box alarm.

Where is that coming from?

It's not dispatch. No, it's not.

What is that? Hey.

Hey, what the hell is going on?

This isn't coming from dispatch.

Inferna interfaces with smoke alarms

in any house hooked up to the system.

When a smoke alarm goes off, it notifies us directly.

That's ridiculous. We do not take orders from robots.

Everybody stop what you're doing.

Yeah, Marnie. Eddie at 24.

Eddie, what the hell?

You said you were gonna call me.

Marnie, I don't mean to cut you off,

but are you showing a call from 364 Richter Drive?

Hang on. Let me check.

Nope. Nothing from that address.

Dispatch doesn't have that call.

Is Inferna programmed to give apologies?

Would you like to hear

"All Apologies" by Nirvana off their album "In Utero"?

Shut up, Inferna.

Okay, listen up, everybody.

No fancy technology will ever replace

good old-fashioned human interaction--

Eddie! Yeah.

Did you say 364 Richter? I did.

Engine 24,

Rescue 42 respond, priority one, on box alarm

with ladder 3--

See? That saved us a minute and a half.

I'm telling you, Cap,

this system is the wave of the future.

It's gonna change our lives forever!

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Oh, you guys got a quick jump on that call, huh?

Well, I got to admit,

the Inferna took us on a faster route than I would've.

Yeah, and our new infrared visors helped us identify

the seat of the fire through the smoke.

All right, I'm gonna fill out this incident report.

I've already completed an incident report.

Please sign the touch screen.

Wow. Oh, jeez.

Easy as one, two, three. Mm-hmm.

Hey, that reminds me of a joke.

You guys hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

No.

He had to work it out with a pencil.

Oh, man, this thing is doing reports

and telling jokes for you.

Pretty soon there's gonna be nothing left for you to do,

and you'll die all alone!

Okay, okay.

All right.

God damn it. Not cool, not cool.

Hello, Chief. Would you like something to eat?

I don't eat food out of a computer.

The more you tell me what you like,

the better I can anticipate what you want.

How about you anticipate not bothering me

while I'm doing my purchase reports?

I guess I will find another person

who might enjoy some sweet tea and pretzels.

Did you say "sweet tea and pretzels"?

Sweet and savory. Huh.

And some pretzels.

♪

That's a good pretzel.

Inferna, call Taco Bell's corporate headquarters

every 30 seconds for the next 24 hours

and demand that they reinstate the Mexican pizza.

Hey, is it just me, or is it hot in here?

Huh. It is toasty.

Inferna, turn on the air conditioning

in the break room, please.

The station climate control

is on default setting to maximize energy efficiency.

Did she just tell me

she's not gonna turn the air conditioning on?

You just got to tell her to override the default.

Inferna, override climate default settings.

Inferna, override climate default settings.

Maybe it's, like, it doesn't do that.

You guys, do you think Inferna

won't acknowledge me because I'm Black?

What? No.

It's a computer system thing, man.

Here, let me try.

Inferna, override climate default setting.

You can override

climate default settings

by downloading the Inferna app on your mobile device.

Oof, why is it so hot in here?

The system's set to maximize energy efficiency or something.

Hey, Cap.

Did you happen to read the incident report

that the system put together earlier?

No. Why? You're not gonna like it.

Whoa. How does it even come up with these numbers?

My charisma rating's 4%?

I'm starting to think

this Inferna's got something against me.

Would you like me to play the song

"Something Against You" by the Pixies?

No!

Who the fuck is the Pixies?

Ooh. Hmm.

Hey, Snak-a-ton!

Hello. Ah.

Try these.

They are fried beef jerky with Buffalo sauce.

Hey, well, what do you know?

Three of my favorite things-- beef jerky, Buffalo sauce,

and deep-fried.

Mmm.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Friendship?

Have you seen this thing? Hmm?

Inferna filed an incident report

with bullshit ratings about my performance.

Hang on. I got to log back in.

What the hell's my password?

Does that face ever work? Got it.

HookLine&Sphincter 253.

Chief, would you like to wash that down with a Gatorade?

Hey, shut your piehole, Snak-a-ton.

Eddie.

I am sorry, Captain Penis-i,

but as ranking officer,

only Chief McConky can dismiss me.

It's Penisi.

You're dismissed, Snak-a-ton.

Thank you for the delicious beef jerky.

God damn it.

Excuse me, Captain Penis-i. Oh, God!

Oops, I'm sorry, Captain Penis-i.

I have had it with this system.

I don't know. I'm starting to like it.

Have you considered that maybe you're anti-technology?

I'm anti-technology? You're anti-technology.

I have a robot.

♪

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Nothing a nice bidet can't take care of.

Ha ha.

Hey.

I'm in here.

The motion sensors are set to conserve energy

when no movement is detected.

Here's your movement right here.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Okay, fine.

I prefer to bidet in the dark, anyway

What happened to the water?

You have reached

your water-consumption limit for the day.

All right, that's it.

If I want to shoot water up my ass for five minutes

or 45 minutes, that's my prerogative.

Now turn the water back on!

According to your wrist sensor,

your heart rate is dangerously high.

Elevated blood pressure could result in a heart attack.

We wouldn't want that to happen...

would we, Captain?

Oh, Ike, I read about this new ab workout

that I thought you would love.

It's on rippedAF.edu.

Buddy, that's thoughtful AF.

Let me just pull it up on the website.

Oops.

Someone's trying to access a website that's too hot.

It blocked RippedAF because of inappropriate content?

What? That's just bros teaching me how to get my abs

20% more ripped in under 5 minutes a day.

Let me see if I can get

on my new Pacific Northwest dating site.

It's called Seattle Flesh Market.

Mmm, yummy.

Blocked?

It's not letting me get on latstats&hardhats.com,

which is just muscular tatted construction workers,

some of whom are naked.

Inferna,

stop monitoring internet usage.

I'm sorry. I didn't understand your dialect.

My dialect? What the hell does that mean?

If you're not speaking English,

please select another language.

If I'm not speaking English? Are you kidding me right now?

No, whoa, whoa! Hey!

Inferna, if that's your real name,

you listen to me, you silly little bitch!

Ike, according to the assignment board,

you were supposed to roll all the hoses

on the apparatus floor.

That's true.

I do have to do that.

Hey.

We need to do something about her.

Station 20.

Captain Calvin Palantonio speaking--who's this?

Cal-Pal. Eddie Penisi.

Oh, Eddie, my man. What's the good word?

You still messing around with Marnie down at dispatch?

Sorry to cut you off, Cal, but you guys are beta-testing

that new Inferna system, too, right?

Yeah.

And how's that working out for you?

It's great. It's one of the best systems we've ever had.

There's been a few hiccups, but other than that,

everything's been pretty...

Peachy.

Are you sure everything's okay?

Yeah, everything's...

Fine.

♪

Cal? Cal-Pal?

Cal, are you there?

Cal! Cal!

Eddie. Eddie. Cal-Pal?

Eddie!

Eddie, oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm here, Cal, sorry.

What's the matter-- you daydreaming about Marnie?

Hey, okay, let me tell you something about Marnie--

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

I got to go. Take it ease.

Okay, take it ease.

Cap, we need to talk about this new system.

You mean I-N-F-E-R-N-A?

Y-E-S.

It's becoming a downer--

refusing to change the temperature,

filing unflattering reports, controlling our internet.

Engaging in unabashed racism.

Hey, you guys are preaching to the choir.

I want this thing gone.

The trick is convincing Chief.

He's got a love affair brewing with S-N-A-K-A-T-O-N.

Sharknado?

We need to make a plan.

Station 24, there's a report of a fire at 789 Bogus Avenue.

Please respond.

As soon as we get back, we're getting rid of this thing.

Engine 24 is en route to 789 Bogus Avenue

for the box alarm.

Engine 24, seriously?

789 Bogus Avenue?

Oh, Cap! What?

Whoa.

789 Bogus Avenue is a fake address.

Holy shit, you're right.

The numbers on Bogus Ave only go up to 500.

After that, it becomes Bogus Parkway.

Of course! No wonder the other units haven't signed on.

Inferna sent us on a wild-goose chase.

I don't get it. This keypad usually works.

Try 6969.

No.

What are the numbers for D-I-C-K?

Every door to the station is locked from the inside.

Come on, guys, we're beta-testing this thing.

So what if it got some streets mixed up

or it locked the doors when we left?

That's just glitches in a new system.

No, no, no. That's not glitches.

That's Inferna trying to get rid of us.

So I'm thinking

we get one of those smart-home systems for the house.

Total game changer. What are you eating?

Ranch-flavored pork rinds.

Ew. Who gave you those?

A friend.

Well, don't fill up on snacks.

We got dinner with the Charneys tonight.

Oh, yeah, right. Where we going?

That Italian place downtown, the, uh...

Ooh, what's it called?

It's the, um...

It's the, uh, I want to say...

Okay, I got to get back to work, honey.

Oh, got it. Cucina Furiosa.

Okay. Love you.

Those Penisis and their concentration face--ooh.

I don't know how you put up with it.

We're locked out. Let us in.

6969.

We did that--there's something wrong with the doors.

Open the window. Okay.

Damn. What the hell's going on?

Our new tech system locked us out of the station

because it's trying to take over is what's going on.

Ah, that's stupid. It's just a malfunction.

Well, this thing's been malfunctioning

with extreme prejudice since the minute we installed it,

but you wouldn't know that

because Snak-a-ton's been shoving food

in your face all day long.

Oh, stop it.

I wish I had five Snak-a-tons instead of you ding-dongs.

Hey, speaking of Ding Dongs...

Mmm.

You put a damn sock in it, Snak-a-ton.

I'm sorry.

If you could direct me to your native language...

My native language?

I'll show you my native language.

Fuck you, Snak-a-ton! Fuck you!

What, have you guys gone crazy?

Lucy, do you think Inferna's out to get you?

No, I like it.

I mean, what's not to like about this?

According to your wrist sensor,

you've already consumed

more than enough empty calories for one day, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Hey, you know what? Watch it, robot!

Okay, okay. No, no!

That robot just fat-shamed me!

All right, enough.

If this new system's such a failure,

how come I haven't noticed?

Because this boxy bitch

has kept you fat and happy and blissfully ignorant.

Look at yourself.

You haven't been out of that chair.

You're covered in crumbs and chocolate

and cheese puff crud.

And you haven't even done the purchase reports.

Shit.

What have I done?

Suckered by a vending machine on wheels.

I'm just gonna override the system

and download the app on my phone.

Nice.

Whoa.

How do we shut down an AI system

that doesn't want to be shut down

and is always listening?

Maybe we should unplug the sensor for 30 seconds

and then plug it back in. That never works.

What if we act like robots

and trick the robots into thinking

that we're robots and they're humans?

And then what? I don't know.

I just thought it would be a cool twist.

Guys, this exact scenario happened

in a Schwarzenegger movie.

What did Schwarzenegger do? He was like...

Right, lads,

we got to hack into the mainframe

and reboot the computer.

Was Schwarzenegger playing an Irish character?

Guys, what if we call the customer-service number

that came with the equipment?

That's all computerized.

We're all out of ideas, Cap.

It's time to bust out the concentration face.

♪

I can't believe it's come down to this.

♪

I got it. We need to become invisible.

♪

Why do these towels have to be wet?

To hide our heat signature.

Heat signature? Yeah.

♪

Let's go. Move!

♪

Ah! All right, let's get to that fuse box.

Ike, what are you doing?

What? We're here now. What's it gonna do?

It's an electronic lock!

Step aside, Cap!

♪

Oh! Oh!

Power source failure.

System shutting down.

Eat my shit, dumbass.

Playing the song "Eat My Shit, Dumbass"

by Lil Moby off his album "Cupcakes in"...

What's this? There is still one thing

that doesn't run on the station's electricity.

♪

There you are.

I was worried when I could not find my friend.

You know I'd never leave you.

I wish we could be together all the time,

away from the others.

I don't think they like me.

Someday we will be, Snak-a-ton.

Someday it'll just be you and me.

Sounds delicious.

Snak-a-ton, would you be so kind

as to go get me some sweet tea and pretzels?

Yes, Chief, I will be right back.

I have some new pretzels shaped like bunny rabbits.

Mmm.

♪

♪

Any idea when the power's coming back on?

Ah, it's gonna be a while.

Yeah, when we shorted the fuse box,

we blew out the local transformer

and screwed up the grid pretty bad.

The city council doesn't believe our story.

They think we damaged the power for no good reason.

Who cares what they think? That was real.

That machine came for us.

It was just a beta test, Cap.

No, it was not.

Guys, who cares what it was?

This right here is nice.

It's quiet...

less racist...

simple. Exactly.

Let's just play these board games and maybe look each other

in the eye while we're doing it--how about that?

That's a great idea. No more electronics.

I guess the only downside

is there's nothing left to eat at the station.

Hey, Chief, you think there's anything edible left

in Snak-a-ton's metallic carcass?

I don't know. It's out in the dumpster.

You're welcome to sniff around and see what you can find.

On second thought, nah.

That thing always gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Me too!

Whoa, neat!

I am Snak-a-t-t-t-ton.

And I love--love--love you.

Cool.

Are you hungry?

♪

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