Original subtitles

- You know, Terry, I snuck a peek in the shower,

and for an old guy, your penis still looks great.

- [laughs] You're a true gentleman.

- Oh, it's wider than it is long,

but you make it work.

- I'm happy to say my 25-year streak

of not looking at your penis is still intact.

- When you do catch a glance, you're in for a treat.

- Somebody's overcompensating. - No, sir.

Product makes the man.

- Ehh.

Okay, okay. Enough of the cologne.

- Cologne? This is body spray.

- You know, Eddie, there's some things

a man shouldn't engage in:

plucking your eyebrows, manicures--

or, as I like to call them, woman-icures...

- Very clever. - Saying "I'm sorry,"

and perfumes. - I disagree.

Scenting oneself is a sign of confidence.

- I don't need a scent to feel confident.

I have confidence to feel confident.

This is all a man needs: Kruckland soap.

No scents, no nonsense.

- Ugh. Kruckland soap:

unscented, now with lavender.

- I never saw that. Now people are gonna sniff me

and think I drink gluten-free beer.

- I like it. You'll smell like a meadow

after a spring rain.

- Yeah.

[both sigh]

[upbeat rock music]

- Ooh, yeah.

- Do you think the world is ready to know

about our mustache-brushing secrets yet?

- They never will. [laughs]

Ready to face the day.

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

- I never could pull off the whole cologne thing.

Back in high school, I wore Polo for a week.

Felt like a fraud.

- I love wearing cologne, man.

And as an exotic dancer,

it's important that you smell your best.

I like to wear Disrobé by Paco St. Laurent.

The old ladies love it. And as an added bonus,

it tastes like bitter apple, which discourages licking.

- I like a guy who smells natural.

Like, when I watch a Vin Diesel movie

and he's all sweaty with his sleeveless T-shirt,

I just wanna jam my nose into his bald armpit.

- Ugh. What happened to the little girl

who wanted to marry her daddy?

- Chief, now that you've broken up with your soap,

I'm thinking it's time for Terry McConky

to adopt a signature scent.

- I'd rather stick my nose in Vin Diesel's bald armpit.

- Well, he's got two of them. I'll see you there.

- Ugh, what's happening?

- Hey, you might want to reconsider, Chief.

Studies say, while men are attracted

to their mate's looks,

women are attracted to the smell.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Studies also say

the body's natural scent changes with age,

so middle-aged men smell the worst.

- I smell the way I always smelled.

- Yeah, fried doughy.

- What? [sniffs]

Mm. No, that's just doughy.

- [laughs] Okay, this game's over.

Everyone get back to work. [phone chimes]

- Oh, hey. It's Andy's birthday this week.

both: Hey. - [laughs]

- It says you're only gonna turn nine.

- Yeah, I'm a leap year baby.

I was born on February 29th,

so my birthday's every four years.

- Uh-ho! That must be so weird.

So do you celebrate on the 28th or the 1st?

- Neither. My mom's a real stickler for accuracy,

so I've only celebrated my birthday

eight times in my entire life.

[laughter] - [mouthing] What?

- I don't know why you think that's so funny.

- Well, when your sister's your mom and your mom's

your grandma,

you take the laughs where you can find them.

[chuckles softly] - Well, you know what?

We are gonna celebrate the shit outta your birthday this year.

- I appreciate the thought, Lucy,

but Chief has a strict ban on station birthday parties.

- No, my dad loves birthday parties.

- Not station birthday parties. - Why?

- Apparently, he thinks some past celebrations

crossed the line.

- Hey. Happy birthday.

all: Oh! - Yeah.

- Oh-ho-ho, look at that! It's me.

- Happy birthday.

Whoop. Oh.

all: Oh. - [laughing] Hey!

- Oh, that's a wholesome-looking cake.

- My dick's inside it.

[laughter]

all: Oh!

- Bottom line: your dad's a station party pooper,

and station birthday parties

are his preferred parties to poop on.

- I'm sure my dad would be willing

to make an exception this year.

- Chief is not gonna bend the rules for me.

He still thinks I overcharged him

for the carpet in his office.

- Andy, I told you, he doesn't think that.

- Hey-oh, forgot my coffee. - Oh.

- Hey, Chief? I have a question.

I know you have a policy

against station birthday parties, but--

- My policy is, I hate them.

They're a waste of time in the work day.

You always gotta stop what you're doin'.

You gotta sign the card. You gotta sing the song.

You gotta eat the cake. It always has a dick on it.

- Yeah, that's the best part.

- You wanna celebrate the day you were born,

do it on your time. This is my time.

- Chief, I don't know if you remember this or not,

but Andy was born on a leap year, right? So--

- And he overcharged me for my carpet.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.

- No station parties. Test me on this,

and you will be repainting every fire hydrant in town.

Okay? Carry on.

A lotta stuff here. Huh. Evaporé.

Empty. That's weird.

- Chief-y. - Yeah. What's up?

- Are you really gonna be a hard-ass

about this birthday party?

- Ugh, you too?

What are you, six years old?

- It's a birthday party.

- Have it at the bar after the shift.

You can all get drunk and hug.

- [sighs] What's this?

- These are bottles of cologne that Vicky's given me

over the years. I never used them.

And now, I'm wondering if she was

trying to tell me something.

- Nah.

- I've never been a cologne guy,

but maybe I was being selfish, you know?

She always got so dolled up for me.

- Let me help you.

I have the best nose west of the Rocky Mountains.

- Mm, that sounds made up to me.

- Open any bottle. I'll tell you what it is

and the celebrity you hate who endorses it.

- I don't hate celebrities.

I just want something that smells good.

- Try. - Okay, ready?

- Blimey, by Harry Styles.

- Oh, ho, ho, ho. Pretty good. He's a little British boy.

- He is. A little cherubim.

- Please, sir. I want some more.

- Oh, I'm hungry, sir. Please!

- I can't do that. Okay. Try another one, then.

- Okay.

Unencumbered, by Benedict Cumberbatch.

- Oh, ho, ho, ho. Huh. - Bada boom.

Two for two. - I don't like him.

He's got those black, beady eyes.

- Like a doll's eyes.

- You know who I wanna smell like?

Jason Statham. I bet he smells like a man.

- Statham has a cologne, Transporté.

[in British accent] It always delivers.

But you couldn't pull it off. - How do you know?

- Because you need something

that goes with onion rings.

Like this one, Ranch, by Sam Elliott.

[Western music, whip cracks] - [laughs] Good one.

How does anybody figure this out?

- Because they have a friend named Eddie Penisi.

And he knows someone named Antonin Aroma.

- Who's Antonin Aroma?

- He's my scent mentor.

- Mm. Hello, sexy cats.

Oh, hello, sexy kitten. I'm here to show you

how to find your scent to make the sex.

- This guy's cool.

- Have no fear, little meow-meows.

I'll never let you cologne

alone. - I mean, he's got

so much cologne on the shelves behind him.

He must know what he's talking about.

- Mint, rosemary, sage,

tonka beans, spicy, grassy,

leathery, woody, mm, intoxicating.

I'll help you find your bad boy sex

and shove it into a bottle.

- Hey, beam this to my computer.

- The word is cast, you Luddite.

You're asking me to cast it.

- Okay, cast it to my computer.

- I don't know how to do that.

- Please stop with the party stuff.

- No. You only celebrate your birthday every four years.

And my dad's just being a dick. I just wish there was a way

we could throw a party behind his back.

- No, I don't wanna go against the chief.

Our relationship's already on the skids.

- Besides, throwing a party behind his back?

It's impossible.

- No, Ike. It is not impossible.

- Well, what makes you think it's possible?

- Hm. What is this thing on my jacket?

Ah, that's right. Penisi. So it is possible.

That said, we're not gonna do it.

But we could if we wanted to.

- It kinda sounds like you want to.

- It really does, doesn't it? Okay, let's have a party.

- Hey, yeah! - Are you serious?

- Happy ninth birthday, man!

- A party right under the chief's nose?

- Mm-hmm.

- How're you gonna pull that off?

- It's called a silent disco.

I read about it

in this month's issue of "Suave AF."

Now, this is how I see it.

At 3:55 p.m. on Wednesday,

we rendezvous in the bunk room and synchronize our watches.

[upbeat jazz music]

The chief is a creature of habit.

Every day at 3:58, he has his late afternoon fruit pie.

At 4:00, he sits back and watches the two-hour block

of Judge Janey and Judge Theo.

At that time, he turns the TV volume to 12

because Judge Janey's voice

has trouble registering through his tinnitus.

That's our first opening.

The DJ will be equipped with a pair

of high-quality headphones for each partygoer.

- Good DJs are hard to find.

- Already found one.

- I'm kind of a big deal on the bar mitzvah circuit.

- One, two, three. One, two, three.

- Granny and the rest of the party's quiet entertainment

will be transported to the second floor,

where the party will commence.

We'll dance silently to the latest club favorites.

Then, the presents, which will be a louder enterprise.

And that's where the Chief's pre-dusk BM comes in.

It takes place in the three minutes

between Judge Janey and Judge Theo.

- [laughing]

[straining]

- He's taking a shit.

- When he flushes, we'll have the necessary cover.

[toilet flushing] - A toilet flush

isn't a lot of time.

- This is Chief Terrance Lesley McConky.

He flushes twice for courtesy, twice to get it down.

- So long, cherry pie.

♪

[toilet flushing]

♪

[grunts] Oh, yeah.

- Then, he has his second fruit pie

and dozes off to Judge Theo.

Then we're in the clear.

- Oh, man! - Oh, ho, ho!

- Oh, and the party can be He-Man themed!

- Oh, that's awesome!

- No, no, no. I'm not on board for this, you guys.

- What, shut up, Andy. You're turning nine, dude!

Every nine-year-old wants a He-Man themed birthday party!

- I love it. It's just,

it's not worth it for me to piss off the chief again.

- He's not gonna find out.

Can no one else read this thing?

- I can read it. And it says party!

- By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!

- [laughs] - He-Man, thoom, thoom.

- Hey! - Gah!

- Happy birthday!

- [laughs] Happy birthday!

- I still can't do it.

- We're doin' it, bro. You're gonna love it!

- Every perfume has three layers.

I call it the scent pyramid.

The top layer is the head layer.

Hello, how are you? Just introducing myself.

The middle layer's the heart layer.

Now I love you. Please write me letters.

The base layer is the bottom, the foundation.

Everyone runs to it, hugs it, loves it.

Pour that concrete, bitch!

Now, if you spin this pyramid upside down,

it becomes a cone.

- Smell cone.

- I call it the slush puppy of love.

Put anything you like into it.

Cinnamon, great.

Aphrodite's hairdos, fine.

"Lethal Weapon" 3, 4-- not 5--dump it in.

Dunk it in. Suck it up. Buy it.

Ah, scheisse.

- Whoo! Today is the day! - [humming]

Everything's stashed in the truck.

And I picked up the cake and the food platters.

- Nice! - And I got all

the He-Man paper plates and party favors.

- He-Man? - Oh, yeah, so technically,

it's Him-Guy, Maestro of the Galaxy,

but that's Chinatown for ya.

Still awesome, though.

- Oh, check this out. Piñata.

- No way, it's chief! - Oh, a piñata.

- Look at the proportions. Look at this thing:

gut and no butt.

- What's inside? - Ah, no, no, no.

That is a secret. But you're gonna love it.

- Hey, yo, everybody!

- Hey, Chief!

- Hey, what's up? Smell me. Smell me.

Deep breath. Breathe it in! Not with your mouth.

What're you, a fish? I'm making a custom scent.

Smell. Smell, smell, smell, smell.

- Smells like turpentine. And cinnamon.

- That's not really what I was going for.

Hmm. All right. Back to the drawing board.

Penisi, my office.

- But it's almost time for Judge Janey.

- Oh, no. Judge Janey got yanked off the air

for making a racist tweet.

- Oh, no! Not Judge Janey!

Man, this cancel culture is crazy.

What she do? - She bragged about burning

a cross on the front lawn of her gay Pakistani neighbor.

all: Yeah. - That'll do it.

- Really good cancel.

- Court dismissed. - [laughs]

Anyway, I'm gonna nail this scent

if it takes me all day.

Captain, I need your world-famous nose. C'mon.

- You know what? I got stuff to do. Take Andy.

- Me? - Yeah.

Andy's nose is way better than mine.

Hawaiian people are known for their discerning noses

and their overall favorable personal odor.

- All right. Watch it now.

We already lost Judge Janey today.

Okay. That makes sense.

Myawani, you're with me. Let's go.

- Okay, Chief.

Cap, I don't know anything about cologne.

- Don't worry about it.

You can rehab your relationship.

We'll prep your party while you distract him

and you can make him like you again.

- Try to enjoy yourself. - Chin up, guy.

- Ooh. Oh, what's this?

This is the sound of irresistibility.

[whispering] Isaac Newton.

- He's smart. He's funny. He's good looking.

- Nice suit. - Right?

- So, what is all this?

- This is my official

Antonin Aroma fragrance making kit.

- Start with something strong as a base note,

perhaps cedar or sandalwood.

Once you begin with this, skies are the limitations.

- Oh, these two. - What's inside this box?

- Well, cedar keeps moss away.

Sandals are for hippies, so let's go cedar.

- Okay.

- Hey, thanks for doin' this with me.

I really appreciate it. - This is a lot of fun.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

- I do declare...

Oh, uh, what did Antonin say?

Let me turn that up a little bit.

- Everyone will come running to you.

You're gonna smell like Miami

after a dank rain.

Say hi to Dwyane Wade while you're down there.

- Hey, let's put peppercorn in there.

- You want spice? - Yeah, why not?

- It's good on a steak, it's good on me.

[upbeat jazz music]

♪

[horn squeaking]

- Who the hell is this clown?

- He says he was hired for the party.

- Hey, kids. It's Blammo! Ha, ha.

- Shh.

- What're you doin'? What're you doin'?

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Are you kiddin' me? I didn't order a clown.

I ordered two Vegas-style showgirls.

- In the party business, that's what we call

the old bait-and-switch.

Probably should've read the fine print.

[honks horn] - Hey! Hey.

Blammo, this is supposed to be a quiet party.

Can you at least mime?

- Are you serious?

I studied mime in Paris

at L'Ecole Internationale.

- You make one little peep, and I will turn

that squirting flower into your own personal bidet.

♪

- [honks horn]

- Shh!

- Ooh.

- It's terrific.

It smells like pipe tobacco on a crisp autumn evening.

- Ooh, while sipping on peated whiskey.

- After shearing your flock of sheep on the meadow.

- Ooh. Ah, man.

Congratulations, Chief. You did it!

- No, we did it.

- Nah. [laughs]

- What should we call it?

- We should call it Terré.

- No, Terré Andé.

Right? - Yeah.

- Okay. Let's listen to the guy.

- Once you've created your perfect scent,

throw it away! It's garbage.

both: What! - Why would you pick

the first scent you created?

Do you marry the first person you sleep with?

Sleep around. Sniff around.

Squirt around. - No, no, no.

Chief, no, no. Don't listen to this guy.

- Would you marry the first person you slept with?

- Yes. I'll show you when I do it.

- No, you gotta listen to the man.

- Chief!

- I want you to embark on an odor exploration

of your surroundings.

Find things that tickle your nostrils.

- That does it, Andy.

Let's odor explore. Take notes.

- No, no, no, no, no. Chief, wait! Wait!

- You're gonna like the way you smell.

I guarantee it.

- [loudly] Shouldn't we start with the smells in your office,

Chief, instead of here in the break room?

- Oh.

Ah, magic marker. Huh? Smell that.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

Write it down. Write it down. C'mon.

[laughs] Okay, let's go.

Ooh, look at this, huh? [laughs]

Mm. Buffalo wing sauce. - Ooh.

- Just take a whiff. - Whoa! Spicy!

- Yeah, spicy, fresh, aromatic.

- Aha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Man, what great smells from the kitchen, huh?

- Why are you yelling?

- I'm just excited to be in the kitchen with Chief!

- Man, this is a lot of presents for Andy.

- Ooh, ooh, hoo, hoo. Check it out.

Pretty slick, huh? You bring yours, Granny?

- Oh, man. I'm sorry. I thought you were

just joking about the tux part.

- Yeah, that part's kinda stupid.

- [laughs] I'm just putting you guys on.

This is for something else entirely.

Don't worry about this. - What? What is it for?

- A charity event. It's a Tacoma charity

for, uh, kids with big dicks.

- Knock, knock. - Oh, ho, ho, ho!

- I am Him-Guy. [laughs]

Argh. Cool, right? Yeah.

And you're gonna be the knock-off version

of She-Ra, Her-Gal.

- More like Me-No.

- What're you gonna be, Captain?

- Ah, dude. Uh, nothing. This is for something else.

I got a quinceañera.

Hey, look at that wig. - I know, right?

It fits me perfect, everything.

- All right. Let's go to the apparatus floor.

- Oh, great idea, apparatus floor!

Let's go there right now!

There's gonna be so many... - You guys, hide!

- Oh. - Oh, man.

- Wait, no, he's gonna know. I'm wearing a costume.

- Wait, Chief!

[low rock music]

♪

- [sniffs]

- Gasoline. [sniffs, exhales]

Ooh, yeah. [laughing]

Okay.

Mm. Canvas.

Write that down. Okay.

Ooh, rubber.

[laughing]

Yeah. Brass.

Wash that later, would ya?

- I think we have enough, Chief.

- Mm, I don't think so.

[sniffing, exhaling]

What's that?

♪

- Uh, a crayon? - A crayon?

- Should we add it to the smells?

- This is no crayon.

♪

- Surprise!

- Get out here!

[sighs] Where are the rest of you guys?

Get over here! I thought I made myself clear.

You disobeyed a direct order.

Believe me. There will be hell to pay.

[grumbles]

♪

- Did he recognize who I was? - Yeah.

- Oh, man. This is bullshit.

This is supposed to be B Shift's turn

to wax and strip the floor.

- Yeah, not the party I was hoping for.

- I'm sorry.

You guys were just looking out for me,

and I got us all in trouble. - Ah, shit!

- You guys, let's not give up.

We still have to find a way to celebrate

Andy's birthday somehow.

- No way. If it was impossible then,

it's impossible now.

- You're right, Granny. It's impossible.

Ah, settle down, sweetie, settle down.

- How did you...

- Damn!

There's that pesky name tag again,

a constant reminder of how awesome I am.

Of course it's possible.

- You've got a plan, don't you?

- What do mice do when they wanna party?

- Drugs.

- They hang a bell around the cat's neck.

- Do you love the new fragrance

you've created for yourself?

- No. My new fragrance sucks!

Ah, come on. [knocking at door]

- Hey. I come bearing a gift.

- Go back and do your punishment.

- Even if it's your perfect scent?

- What's that mean? - I feel bad about earlier.

So I brought you something from my personal reserve.

Banned by the FDA.

Women were so attracted to it, they were running into traffic.

- Hm. Ho. [sniffing] It's strong.

- It's made special for people

who don't shower for weeks on end.

- Who's the celeb? - Sting.

- What's it called? - Stingk.

- Stingk, all right. Yeah, okay.

- This is how you activate it, with plenty of squirts.

- I think my throat's closing.

- Okay, well, then close your mouth.

- Sex! [sniffs, sighs]

[upbeat dance music]

♪

- [snoring]

[lamp clangs] - Oh.

- [quietly] Yeah! - [shushing]

- [groans]

♪

- [sniffs]

Trouble!

♪

[sniffs]

[quietly] Move out!

[suspenseful music]

- Eddie--

♪

Huh. They must be on a call.

[upbeat dance music]

♪

- Ah.

[sighs]

[toilet flushing]

[frantic music]

[inaudible]

♪

- [shushing]

- Ow, God! Ugh.

- Shh! - [whispering] What?

- You're being too loud.

[audible thud] - Hey, man!

- Shh! - Are you sure he's not coming?

- This nose is a finely tuned instrument.

If there was even a molecule of Stingk,

by Sting, I would know.

- I think I hear footsteps.

- Relax, relax. [sniffs]

All I'm smelling is your coconut oil shampoo,

mildew from the shower,

and a cloud of cinnamon potpourri air freshener.

We're good.

- Your nose is remarkable.

[dramatic music]

- Again?

[all gasping]

- Now I'm smelling Stingk.

- This is unbelievable.

Now, you're all suspended without pay.

- C'mon! - What!

- Chief, no--

- If you're not gonna respect my orders,

I'm gonna make some permanent changes.

- Come on. - I've gotta take a shower.

I smell like Sting.

- Can we just finish the-- - I said good day.

- No, you didn't.

- Well, I'm saying it now. Good day.

- Chief, wait.

- Andy, what are you doing?

- Here.

- What's this?

- It's an extra bottle of cologne.

- Terré Andé? - Yeah.

And I came up with a tag line:

for the man who thirsts for adventure

but never wants to leave his couch.

Terré Andé. - That's pretty good.

- I feel terrible. I didn't get you anything.

- Uh, actually, you did, Chief.

Thanks for all the presents, guys.

- No problem, man. - You got it.

- But the one-on-one time with Chief

[voice breaking] was the best present of all.

- Oh, shut the fuck up, man.

- No, no, no, I mean it! I mean it.

I mean it. - What's the matter with you?

- I never had a dad to make cologne with.

- I don't know that any of us did.

- Well, it made for a great birthday.

- You know what?

Happy birthday, Kobonko. I mean, screw it.

I can bend the rules this once, right?

- Hey. - Party?

- Party.

[all cheering]

[horn blowing]

- But the clown goes. - He's a mime.

- I don't care who he belongs to, get his ass outta here.

- [laughs] Get outta here.

- No clowns in the bunk room. both: Get outta here!

- [shouting]

- They're going to town on this thing.

- It makes me uncomfortable.

- Whoa! - Oh-ho-ho!

- Show a little respect for the pinata.

- It's piñata. - That's what I said, pinata.

- No, no, piñata.

- Pinata. - Can you not say Ñ?

- En-ay. - [sighs]

all: Oh! - Oh, come on.

[all cheering]

- What?

- He's filled with pastrami sandwiches,

just like the real chief!

all: Yeah!

- That's a good idea. - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's some pastrami sandwiches in there, right?

- There are. They're not wrapped in plastic, though.

- Are you sure? - Pretty sure.

[all cheer]

Got any cake left?

- Yeah, but just one piece. - Oh.

The penis. - Oh.

At least it's pixelated.

- I like to say dicks-elated.

- Hm, hm. - Okay.

- Moist. - Yeah, not bad, right?

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