Original subtitles

SINGS: Your eyes is the thing that see

♪ And if you look down hard you can see your teeth

♪ Your teeth is how you breathe

♪ And your hand is the way you squeeze. ♪

Ah.

They, they are, they're so, erm, young at that age.

Do you know how I've meant that? Yeah.

Ahh. Sorry, it's just that I'm going to be my father soon.

My, er, dad.

A father to my dad. Son... Son. Sunny 'ell! Great.

I'm trying to tell ya, I'm gonna be a dad.

OK, so shall we genuinely view the flat, then, Gernold?

I'm not here to view a flat.

That's right, you're not Gernold. I just bumped into you in the street

and started crooning to ya son. Get on with ya!

Sorry to interrupt. Where's this Gernold, then?

It's you! It's you! Found you, Gernold.

Pleasure to meet you. I was just singing to, er, a road baby!

Do you mean Bernard? Cos, that's, that's My name.

Oh, right! Is anybody gonna ask my name? It is Stath.

Er, this is Ali.

Hello, Ali. Are you a kid?

He knows himself.

Michael and Eagle lettings... Oh, God, look at that,

straight away it's impressment. Jealous!

Because, obviously, they got the widescreen.

Just a completely empty wall and then right in the middle, gold.

If I had a TV like that and the water came on it,

I'd think I was swimming. Hey? Ha-ha!

Is it OK for me to swing my hand near, around him? No.

I am so sorry about this.

And I promise you, if you do take the flat

we will fill this with bricks straight away.

How many sweets do you think could fit into this room?

100?

Hey, much more than that, I reckon. More?

Wooooah heeeeey!

Looky, they've got everything.

They've got a phone, a clock, blue apple,

gold circle, clock, specs, stick in a blood bowl,

stick, pincher on a disc with two circles.

I'd love to be able to hand all that over to my son in a black bag.

I wanna leave my family business to my son...

..but my boss died.

God, well no, what happened was terrible, Martin,

but the business is fine.

We've just, like, relocated, Martin, yeah.

We j'adore managing your flat, Martin.

We've lost Julian.

We wouldn't want to lose your flat as well, know what I mean?

Well, he fell off an awards ceremony.

Yeah, climbing down. PHONE RINGS

Left us in a little bit of debt, tbh, Martin.

SHE LAUGHS

I get it, you're a landlord,

you'd rather your property wasn't being looked after by some people

wearing suits in a living room, but...

PAN SIZZLES

Little morning fish, sick.

But, we are desperate to find a new office, so hopefully.

Steven, is this good acting for film?

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, no, I was in the war."

Yes.

Katheste edo anti na ton kanete crisps.

Ferte ta crisps. Parte ton crisps. What flavour?

Don't shout at me, Steven!

I'm gonna go. Well, I'll tell you what I will say to you, Martin -

oh, actually to the landlord here, as well, I'll say.

It's a phrase and I'm saying it to everyone.

"We care so much about bleedin' houses that we're workin' in one!"

And, God, I'm the size of a house, as well,

so I could probably fit that in the phrase.

Is this also good acting?

GUNSHOT!

Go, go, go, go. Maybe take me with you.

Sophia. Get some crisp from my bedroom drawer. I love you.

♪ Obstruction! ♪

Oh, oh, sorry, Dean.

Oh, oh, oh, God! How's it going?

Haven't seen each other for ages!

Oh, you look very big.

That'll be the stairs. Hah!

Are you a church?

Dong, dong, dong!

Ooh! Scary.

Strange.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt the creative process.

That could be the next Meet Joe Black. Ooh!

No, it's-it's literally just a script about a girl

whose lost her goddamn mind.

Oh, you're kidding. Wow!

Sorry to sound like the bloody press,

but this script, is it for stage or screen, or...?

Uh, just for Katia.

Oh, right.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

SOFTLY: Um... Do you remember when we said we liked each other?

THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, sorry, were you actually saying something?

I-I-I thought you were just doing small beeps.

Er, it's OK. Ill just go upstairs

and get some crisps from my Dad's fish.

Oh, OK!

♪ The father of the bride The father of the bride

♪ The most slender man I ever met

♪ The father of the bride

BOTH: And many moooore. ♪

Haha, slender? I'm not sure about that, I'm a pig.

A big pig on the stairs. Haha, what?

No, but, father of the bride? Why father of the bride?

Well, cos of I'm going to be a father shortly.

Oh, yeah! It's just cos you were looking at me

and pointing at me, so I thought it was something to do with me.

Well, we point to the ones we crave.

Right. You!

Oh, my God. It's the Sophie, the movie maniac!

Gimme your autograph for my son. Please!

Do you think that your son will like my name?

What, Sophie? He bleeding bletter!

Stath, we're gushing landlords, here.

Do you wanna get off the banno and speak to one?

Oh, yeah. I was actually gonna ask you.

Do you what size the son is going to be?

Because I did quite want to provide him a hooded T-shirt.

No. No size.

Mummy number two in da house!

Oh, my God. She's wearing red, there's blood in the hallway.

Right, dump your letters and waft off, please, Mrs Europe.

We're doing key work.

You careful what you mouth.

You want me tell your child

not to suck your nipple because it's a claw?

Ooh! Get on with each other.

OK. Lettings rave, is it?

All right, Dean.

Why is it Hallway Guinness Record in here?

HORN BEEPS Huh?

Mate, come out, I've got some... Beep the horn.

I've got something nice to tell you -

you're office is a house!

As in, you're... As in, you're using your house as an office.

Drive, drive.

Oh, we're shouting out of cars at young fathers to be now, is it?

Nice door! Respect me!

Enough shouting, Stathi!

Everyone in my office.

I want a very quiet conversation.

You can only talk if you are holding my fish.

Can I say, I'm sorry very to everyone in my bedroom?

Oh, don't worry about it. That's OK.

I'm too sorry I gave Julian the business

and he spend all the money

and I'm too sorry we lost the office

and now my stairs is an office -

but I maked mistaked because I'm old

and my brain is going like a rock.

Is there any quiet and sweet questions?

Thank you.

That's Dad fish. Oh, oh, did he ask...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold the fish, yeah, yeah.

Is it OK to ask if we're likely to be paid in the coming months?

OK.

I cannot pay any money to anyone

until we find landlords and free office.

Huh?

What, actually? No pay?

Mm. You don't like this?

Oh. I definitely quit. Definitely.

Imagine if I didn't quit. No money?

You think I'm having a meeting with a fish for jokes?

Oh, excurse me!

This is your family business! You can't quit.

Why are you lot not quitting?

This guy got a kid on the way.

What you gonna do, just eat crisps in your dad's bedroom?

What you gonna feed your yout? Crisps.

Get another job, bruv.

Oh, my God, Stathi,

do you think that Bambos would let you cut hairs again

at Mr Cheeky hair?

Cos Stathi used to be a cutting barber.

Oh, my God! Can you give me floor length?

I'm not goin' back to Mr Cheeky. Do I look like a barber?

I'm wearing a grey suit!

I'm a dad on the way letting agent.

Nah, none of you are letting agents, no.

You lot do bop all.

Has any single one of you put your gob on the line

to get one of the landlords back?

No. For me, sadly, well, I can't quit,

because I believe in Carole Collins,

and I think she will support her child. So, ya know, I just muck on.

Sorry, I'm gonna support this child too.

Stathi, you're a dad and you need the money.

Listen to Carole and help with the landlords.

I do want to make money!

What, you don't think I want this kid to stand a chance?

I want Dean to stand a chance, as well.

What do I have to do, talk to langlords?

I'll talk to a langlord - I can make money, I wanna provide.

Al, you can do it with me, come on.

What are we doing, sorry?

We're going to get in my car,

and we're going to talk to a langlord. Let's do it.

♪ I woke up today with this feelin'

♪ That better things are comin' my way

♪ And if the sunshine has a meaning

♪ Tellin' me not to let things get in my way

♪ When the rainy days are dyin'

♪ Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'

♪ All the bees and birds are flyin'

♪ Ahhh

♪ Get on up when you're down

♪ Baby, take a good look around

♪ I know it's not much... ♪

Gotcha!

OK, one car found.

OK, so, langlord. LANGLORD.

God.

Do we know...

Do we know what they do for work, and how to talk to them?

How to get in touch with them?

I dunno, it's...it's tricky.

That's bad. That's bad.

It's a tough one, erm...

Ooh! I'm a bit worried

I'm not gonna be able to provide for my child now.

Oh. But that's not true, innit?

Do you know what I mean? I'm smart behaviour. Yes.

You know people who smart make money.

That's what I always say! Come on, man. That's true.

Do you know that of me?

I know that of you, absolutely. That's for sure.

Yeah, OK.

A bit more, if you...

Oh, I mean, I mean, you're very... you're very energetic,

you know, we saw that.

Very energetic guy, and, er...

Yeah, all...all energetic people

are...are intellectual... wealthy fathers.

Doctor, doctor, we've got a dictionary in the car!

And bring a nurse, cos he's seriously cool.

Ah, that's kind of you, but I'm not -

you, you are the cool one.

I-I mean Sophie was saying you used to be a barber,

I didn't know that! That's amazing.

What, Mr Cheeky? Yeah, but I got fired from there

cos my cousin Bambos saw me touch someone's back with a scissor blade

and cut their back, so... What?!

Yeah, I know.

I could go park time there, do you what I mean?

Yeah. If it was just park time I could go.

But-but do you think you cousin would hire you

if he fired you before? Er, s'cuse away,

he'll take one look at you when I walk into Mr Cheeky with him

and he'll know I've grown up.

So am I coming with you for this, or...?

Oh, hundred, hundred, hundred.

And the Director, he looks at me

and then he goes, "Just don't say anything,

"cos your character is dead."

It was an incredible experience.

Koumbaro, Mr Bambos!

He comes in my shop, huh? No dance for his cousin?

All right, you wanna dance?

Come on, now. I'll give you a dance.

Opa, hey. You see like that.

Kiri, bring him a small coke, yeah?

Oh, God... So, what you doing here? You wanna cut? No, no, no.

Because your hair's quite... shit, innit? Look at this.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that. Th-there's a lot of it,

but it really doesn't earn its place.

Ela, ela, ela, ela, ela, ela.

Go, go, go, they'll make you laugh, they'll make you laugh.

Ela, ela. Thanks very much. Ahem.

I'm... I'm coke. Al.

God, the place looks real, man.

Remember memories of just this?

Do you remember we used to be like that together man?

Yeah, we were a good team. It's mad.

But honestly I just snuck by to, erm...

..to see how you are and how's business,

and then quickly ask you something else, er, park time.

You do know I'm in Greek films now, innit?

He's kidding. What?

I'm looking at myself asking whether or not he's... Is he kidding?

Nah, it's very impressive.

You know I'm dividing my time between here and Cyprus now.

Cos the acting work out there is mental mega,

and, in fact, I'm going out there in two weeks

literally to do a film about a wooden woman.

Damn, it feels good to have that hot metal between my fist again, man.

Ah, I missed it! I did miss it.

I, honestly, I find myself sometimes just thinking, where did it all go?

Like, sometimes at night,

like, I literally find myself going like this...with my leg.

Scissor legs, this guy's funny, isn't he?

He's got the jokes, hasn't he?

So, when can I start my shift?

Shift? A shift here?

Here for a job. Hey, no, no, don't do that to me, please, come on, man.

No, no, yeah, yeah, please, just park time,

park time, that's all I want. No, no, no. Park time, park time.

You got souvla fingers, re koumbare.

You cut Panayi's back givin' him a number four.

Don't bring up Panayi's back man.

I changed his back's life.

I get that, I deal with that, I've growed from that.

I've been growing and growing and growing since that.

But you got a job letting flats innit? Michael & Eagle.

Have you done more fires, is that what it is?

No, no, no, no, no fires.

Michael & Eagle is going blista, man.

I just need a fiver more quid or two for my son, for my child, man.

Come on, Al, tell him how more grown up I am now.

Oh, he's honestly 20...29.

20, 29. Come on, let me prove myself.

Would you let him cut your hair?

Uh, oh, my-my head hair?

Oh, haha, I'm not sure about that.

Winter's round the corner

and I don't wanna lose this insulation, so.

It's only six words, but I'll live or die by them.

Can we keep your flat, Ashley?

Ashley? You've gone blank, darling.

OK, Katia,

I'm going to do Florida, what accents can you do?

Wales, Utah, what you thinking?

Please Utah.

♪ I'm getting me an Uber! ♪

What? I got 1p left in my overdraft.

One pence. Ooh, am I fiction?

Ooh, how am I gonna get home?

Oh, Dean, BT the way,

I kinda just wrote this play just now,

I was wondering whether we could show you,

if we're chilled to do that, get some feejack, or...

What else am I doing? I'm broke.

Also, could you photo it for us, please?

What is this? Spin to start.

Hey, kid, whereabouts are you from?

Florida. Hey, kid, whereabouts are you from?

Florida. As well. You must be the barman. Yeah.

We got beer, red wines, black vodka.

Black vodka? That doesn't sound like a drink!

That sounds more like a drugs.

Oh, trust me, it's drink.

CAROLE: Yeah, no, I'm all right. I might have to go.

But it was drugs,

and that's how I got addicted to drugs for the rest of my life.

I'll call you back. Ugh!

SHE GROANS

What's happening, are you singing?

Is the baby mingling? Oh, I'm fine.

Where's your brother, Soph?

Er, I think he's just gone with Al to save the business.

MUSIC: Parce Mihi Domine by Hilliard Ensemble and Jan Garbarek

Ooh, sorry. Ooh...

Come on, you gotta take it off before you whick it, man.

Well, ignore the whick. What do you think of the do?

Yeah, it's OK.

It's quite nice, innit? It's quite tight.

Bale! Can I have some shifts, then?

No. This took you two hours to do just a slicky.

We went out for coffees twice, hey, I'm awake.

I was trying to be perfection.

DOOR CHIME

Right, why's Al's head wet?

All right, Carole? Cos I smoothed it with product.

Hey, Sophie. Look at my head.

Oh, my God, it's very small. Thank you.

So, while I've been grafting my lump off with the landlords

so we don't have to work out of your dad's bedroom any more,

you've just been in here getting your friend's head wet. Is that it?

Yeah, I...

I was trying to get some shifts from the barber's. You told me to.

I did NOT tell you to become a barber today.

Right, then why am I doing it?

Oh... WATER TRICKLES

Oh!

Oh, hellfire, that's... that's stocky, that's hot stock.

Why's everyone breathing so much?

Stathi, I think that's actually the birth water,

because, erm... What's that mean? I think the baby's on the way,

and he's about to do an exit out of Carole's way.

My son? My son, that's my boy, my son is coming?

Why are you so sure it's a boy?

Do you know what's happening?

I'm doing someone. Do you know that?

Do you know anything? Do you do anything? NO!

I do something. My God I'm leaking in a Turkish barber's.

Who's that?!

Oh, God - well, do you know what? From now on, it's just me.

I'm on me own, it's Collins only,

I mean, Dean's the only normal one, and he's left, so...

I don't have an office.

Oh, God. Oh, God, the baby's gonna have your nose.

I'm gutted.

I'm gutted. I'm gutted.

That was quite a sad list of me.

Right, well, I've said my piece now.

Come on, then. I'll drive us to the ward.

OK, OK, hey, why didn't you tell me about this, hey?

If you need office space you can use the barber's, OK,

while I'm doing a film about wooden woman, OK? No charge.

No, no, no, we want, we want a proper office don't we? We...

Actually - and it's free, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, go on, then, yeah, thank you.

Yeah. I'll be in touch when I'm, erm, empty.

Bravo. All right, come on, Sophie, we're going hospital.

Oh, am I coming? Right, no, nobody's coming.

I can just about deal with him being there, but that's it.

But I want... No, no, it's OK, Stathi,

because me and Katia are gonna take Dean home

and I'm going to see Dean's house, and I can tell you what it's like,

and also it's actually quite an excitely day today.

Yeah. Cos the baby's coming!

And it's gonna see us and some head.

And we're thrilled to be back, right on the high street,

where we - where we belong.

I'm also thrilled that you're back with us, Ash.

We missed you!

Lovely! All right,

I'll tell you what - no, no, it's all good,

I better bug off. Cos I've got a bit of a sitch,

something's brewing, as per, all right?!

Speak to you soon. Catch you later, all right, darling, bye.

Right, well, we may actually be able to pay people,

so, at least that's one normal thing in my life.

HE SOBS

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Looking forward to...

Yeah.

Looking forward to when it comes.

OK, all right. Take it easy.

Erm, right, I'll tell you what I want you to do for me.

I want you get something from the shop OK?

All right, yeah, yeah. OK, yeah, I can do that.

What do you need? I can do anything. I can do things. I can do anything.

Right, this is gonna sound weird.

Oi, boss man!

I need a-a bottle of water and a sketch book.

What? Ugh, I said, you got a sketch book for me, boss man?

I don't know what this is.

A book for the sketch, think about it, man. I can do this!

Boss man, you got a sketch book for me?

You want Scotch egg?

Nah, boss man, a sketch book for the sketch.

Come on, boss man, one sketch book, man, Carole's having a baby.

What...? What is a Scottish egg?

This? Come on, boss man. How's anyone gonna do a sketch in that?

It's full of celebs!

What's that, over there?

Oh. That's a sketch book! Oh! Oh, he says! This guy!

Boss man, what you the boss of? Tricksing me out?

Oh... Is someone on the ride with us?

Oh, my God, I thought I heard someone say Daddy.

No - you've been gone about 20 minutes!

What have you been doing?

Sorry, all the shops were very poorly, er, stocked -

But I sorted it. Sketch book, water.

Oh...

What, is it the wrong one?

I just said to get a bottle of water.

No.

You said, "This is weird, but can I have a sketchbook and water?"

I said, "This is gonna sound weird,

"but get yourself a bottle of water to calm yourself,"

and you said, "A fruity water?"

and I said, "No just a textbook bottle of water".

Ohhh.

I chatted to those men in the shops for ages, man.

I'm so sorry about that.

I'm so sorry about that!

I'll do something pleasant for one week in our child's life,

I swear, man.

Do you want your sister to come? She... She can.

I feel all right as it is, you know? So...

Uh, yeah. Yeah? Is that allowed?

Yeah, we can...

We can pick her up en route, if you like.

Yeah, thank you - all right, I'll give her a call,

find out where she is.

She said her and Katia were dropping Dean off.

Oh, do we get to go to Dean's house?!

Don't let any postman see you. You're gonna get me fired.

All right, peace. Catch you lot at the Jobcentre, yeah?

Oh, bye, Dean, I'll miss your attitude.

Oh, Dean could I use your gents?

Erm, I had one too many at Mr Cheeky. Sorry.

HORN BEEPS

Oh, that car.

Are you in there, Sophie?

Er, Carole said you can come to the release of my child.

Dean, my love, do you have a toilet?

Ha, I've got a bladder like a cherry tom.

I mean, it's small, not red, you know.

Although there isn't much, to be fair, that isn't red

if we're talkin' guts. Which I seem to be 25/8 these days! Yep.

And Carole Collins in my auntie's house.

Dean, Stath. You know, from Michael & Eagle.

Mm-hm.

Look, I know we duffed you off this morning, yeah,

and I'm sorry, but I've been thinking about it

and I thought of an offer.

Would you come back to Michael & Eagle if we paid you?

I mean, if you paid me, yeah - that was the whole thing.

I know you were doing it for my child. Nope.

Erm, just so you know Carole's screaming upstairs.

What, is your house scary or something?

CAROLE GROANS Er, not fire brigade, middling wife?

What's happening?

You OK?

SHE SCREAMS

You OK?

It just came a quicker than I had in mind.

I can do it on my own, cheers.

Dean, why do you have a lock on you door?

What if people want to come see you in your room?

Maybe so that people don't bust in and get blood all over my sheets.

Well, that hasn't worked, has it?

That's the only thing that's happened.

Tell her that the doctor's gonna come.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carole, Carole,

if you wait a lovely big doctor's gonna come. Al called.

Yeah, there's just a baby being born in the bedroom of a lettings agent.

Stath, I can deliver baby.

I delivered my cousin's baby on futon.

It's easy. Just pull, scream, baby.

OK, OK, Carole if you don't like to have men in there,

would it be quite nice, there's a woman out here

who you don't like called Katia.

Er, apparently she done a baby before for someone on a futon.

Does that sound like something that could be quite nice to help to you?

Erm... Oh, shit.

Right. OK, fine. I've unlocked it, I've unlocked it.

She said yes! Go, go, go, go, go! Here I go, here I go!

Oh, I didn't see anything. Did you see anything in there?

My God. Oh, my God. Oh, God, oh, God.

Dean, how should I feel?

How do I know? I don't know!

CAROLE SCREAMS

I'll teach my child about love.

Gordon Norris!

Do you remember when we were young? Yeah. What happened?

Listen to it. CAROLE SCREAMS

A child is being born today,

and one of the first things he's gonna see

is one of the nicest hairs in London. Oh, thanks so much.

Is it ready yet?! My auntie's sleeping.

BABY CRIES

What is it? Small and red.

Is it health and safety?

Yeah. It's very, very, very health and safety.

Ooh, Stathi!

I might go swimming and get two egg on toast. No!

Quick, go inside, bruv.

Can I look at his head? Go in, man.

It's very good, Stathi.

Baby, then.

I just done her on the bed, in the end. Haha.

Her? Is it... Is it a woman?

Yeah, it's a girl, yeah.

So you're gonna give her a girl's name, and...

We don't have to give her a name

if you don't want to, I don't wanna...

Well, it's in the book,

erm, you wrote Dina, and I-I like that, it's a bit posh.

Dina? The girl. Yeah.

Dina.

Can I cuddle towards you a small amount? OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little bit.

Can I give her some information

or a sentence from me or something? OK, quickly, yeah.

♪ I can't believe what I am seeing today... ♪

No.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0