All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S01E05.1080p.WEB.H264-GLHF-NHI

Okay. Plug her in.

Oh, yay!

All right. Wonderful.
Yeah. Yeah!

Your old gazebo's looking
pretty good, huh, Hetty?

Indeed!
Now, get some swans in the lake,

Yeah.
and a couple of giraffes
at a dinner party...

It'll be the Gilded Age
all over again.

They love it, Jay.

Woo-hoo!
Two days of sanding,

three coats of paint,
but the smiles

you claim to see on
your invisible friends' faces

make it all worthwhile.

Hey, should we hang some
Halloween decorations on it?
Yes.

Oh, my God, wait.
Halloween? Ghosts!

This is your holiday.
You guys must love Halloween.

Who's gonna tell her?

We hate Halloween.

What'd they say?

They don't like it.

Okay, that feels off brand.

All Hallows Eve mocks us

and belittles
our very existence.

People putting sheets
over their heads

and pretending
to be "ghosts"?

I mean,
what is that?

Plus, we can't do any of the
fun stuff that Livings do.

We can't dress up in costumes,
we can't eat candy...

Can't hook up with
a sexy nurse.

Or a sexy kitten.
Or sexy Bobby Boucher

from Waterboy.

I didn't think
it was possible, either,

but this chick pulled it off.

Also, I died on Halloween.

At a party at the mansion
in 1995.

This is a costume.

I'm actually an accountant
and my name is Mike.

Seriously?

No, I'm 500 years old.

Come on, Sam.

Oh, that was a good one.

Huh. Storyteller.
It's a gift.

♪

Okay, I get that you guys
don't like Halloween.

But all the kids dressed up...
It's so cute.

Don't get us
started on "kids."

Every year
on Halloween,

my beloved Woodstone
Mansion is defiled

by adolescent
hooligans.

They throw eggs,

put toilet paper
in the trees...

Been going on
for decades.

It's sort of a
local tradition,

passed down from delinquent
father to delinquent son.

It's humiliating.

This is our home.

This is where we live.

And we're powerless to stop it.

What's going on?The ghosts say
there's a group of kids

that vandalize the house
each Halloween.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not on my watch, babe.

Guys, don't worry.

Of course-- we have them.

We don't have
to depend on

some useless old lady
to defend the house.

My great-great-granddaughter,
may she rest in peace.

That's right.
This year we have Samantha

and her virile
young husband.

They can do battle against
the wayward youths for us.

Jump out of tree,
and bash their heads!

Oh, my God, no.

Nobody's doing battle
with anybody.

Jay and I will
talk to the kids.

They're probably just
messing with the house

'cause a creepy
old lady lived there.

She was really creepy.
That's true.

Again, my descendant.

Who just passed.

We all were there.
Mm.

Ooh, pre-Halloween pics

are coming in
on the 'Gram.

Yeah, there's gonna be
a lot of Carole Baskins

hooking up with
Baby Yodas this year.

I know it's English,
and yet I gleaned nothing.

Aw, man. Some of our friends
are at a rooftop in Brooklyn.

Aw, somebody's got FOMO.

What is FOMO?

Oh, it's "fear
of missing out."

Like if you're not invited
to a party or something.

Like when Mamie Fish
excluded me from her cotillion

because she knew
I had the more comely ankles.

Okay, I know we're
not in the city anymore.

But think of
the positives:

This is our first
Halloween as homeowners.

We're getting
trick-or-treaters.

And we're still
the Step Brothers.

Yeah, I guess it's cool.

Who are the Step Brothers?
It's from a movie.

We dress like
this every year,

because it's cheap,
it's comfortable,

and it doesn't
sexually objectify me.

But that's the whole point
of Halloween.

Our first trick-or-treaters.

Are you ready?

It's go time.

Trick or treat.

Aw.

He's a little
Ghostbuster.

A little what?
What is ghostbuster?

Not now.

Oh, sorry, are we too early?

No, no, I was just
trying to remember

when the Ghostbusters movie
came out

and it was not now,
so it must have been before.

Nailed it, sweetie.

Uh, Ghostbuster, would
you like some candy?

Are you seriously not going to
tell us what a ghostbuster is?

It's another movie.
Classic Bill Murray.

He plays a scientist

who's trying to sleep
with Sigourney Weaver

and bust ghosts.

Bust ghosts?

You want to bust me?

I bust you!

Okay, thanks for stopping by,
enjoy your Mounds.

Uh, Happy Halloween!

Ghost thing?
Ghost thing.

Cool.

Ooh! We should watch
Ghostbusters tonight.

You guys will
love it, trust me.

Is there a Blockbuster
around here?

We don't have time
for frivolous entertainment.

We must set up sentries.

An attack is nigh.

Okay, take it easy.

We should do shifts
or something.

Some of you stand around,
keeping lookout,

while I watch
a talkie with Trev.

Oh, you know what?
I'll join you.

What? No! You guys are
the worst army ever.

I never saw it.

It came out
the year before I died,

but you know how it is--
between work and family

and getting shot in the neck
with an arrow...

Fine, fine.

But the rest of us
will keep watch

and alert the Livings

so they may confront
our vandals.
Mm.

Then bash them on the heads!

Any chance you
change your mind on that?

No?

Okay.

The enemies have arrived.

Jay, Isaac says
the enemies have arrived.

Enemies?

You mean these kids
out here on the bikes?

Come on!

It's the parents
who are at fault.

Properly raised children
would be at home

or working
in a factory.

That's the evil leader Zack,
his paramour Zoey,

and their very dumb
third wheel Robbie.

Dude.

How do you know so much
about these kids?

Last year,
they hung out

and split something called
a "hard lemonade."

And we listened in
on their conversation.

What's up, bro-hams?

Hey, you got some
sick cykes, huh?

Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry, what? Sir?

Ouch.

Well, we just wanted
to introduce ourselves.

I'm Samantha, this is Jay.

And we're the owners
of this house.

So, listen, like,
whatever happened in the past,

it's water under the bridge.

But let's just agree
that it ends here.

Yeah, you know, we were actually
planning on egging the place,

but after seeing you guys,
and seeing how cool you are,

it just doesn't feel right
anymore.

Hmm. This feels like a trap.

Well, thank you.
Anyway,

we'll be on our way.

Well, next time,
pop on your helmets.

Cool kids wear lids.

They do!
Keep it a hundo.

They seem really nice.

Very. See, Isaac?
No need for war.

Attack!

Egg war!
Get 'em!

Hey! What?
Whoa! What-- No!

That's not fair!
How do you like that, bro-ham?

I hate to say
"I told you so."

Wait, no, it's actually
quite satisfying.

This is just great.

Our friends
are partying on rooftops,

and we're being egged by
the cast of Stranger Things.

We have to do something.

Those kids can't
get away with that.

Do something? It's over.

We've just got to get
cleaned up and move on.

Wait, no. Samantha is right.

There must be accountability.

Without repercussions,
these children will never learn.

The ghosts agree.
The kids need consequences.

Come on, babe.
What do they know?

Well, for one thing,
we were parents.

Well, they were all parents.

I'm definitely not a parent.

I don't know why
I said "definitely."

I mean, I had sex
during my life.

We just have also been around
for such a very long time,

we have observed what works
and what doesn't work

with regard to disciplining
children.

So what do you think
we should do?

I just told you I think
we should let it go.

I was actually asking
the ghosts.

Seriously?
Mm-hmm.

They've been around forever.

We should take advantage
of this.

It's like a wise council
of elders.

43 times.
I had sex 43 times.

A number so specific
it'd be impossible to make up.

You know what I would do,
if I were alive

and the telephone
had been invented:

call their mommies.
Yes.

Zack's last name is Ekenrod
if that helps.

His mother is Meg. She works
at a place called Applebee's

as some sort of wench.

They're saying we should
call Zack's mom.

They want us to narc? Mm-mm.
Snitches get stitches.

You're only gonna
antagonize him.

Or correct his behavior.

Okay, do people think
I'm lying about the sex thing?

'Cause I'm really not lying.

Don't worry.

I know you tell truth.

As ghost I watch you
many times.

Thank you.
Wait, what?

Pause the movie, Trev.

Pause the movie.

Paused. Whew.

What the H-E-double hockey
sticks is this movie?

People rounding up ghosts,

keeping them in some
contraption.

For what? Till when?

I thought Venkman
was a hero.

He's no hero,
he's a war criminal.

Poor Slimer's just trying
to live his afterlife,

eating leftover room service
that no one even wants.

And then they vacuum him up
into this tiny little box?

I don't remember it
being this disturbing.

Well, you were a Living
when you watched it last.

This is a whole new perspective.

Also, why the hell
are they all green?

Were they green in life?

I mean, what died
and made that ghost?

Look, we're not trying to
get anyone in trouble.

But we didn't want to
just let it go.

Tell her to deny him supper.

Tell her to do Blood Eagle;
tear out ribs and lungs.

Zack, apologize to them.

Fine. I'm sorry.

It wasn't nice,

and I won't do it again.

Thank you, Zack.

Apology accepted.

All right, let's go.

Well, that was subtle.
It wasn't great.

I told you we were gonna
antagonize

the little psychopath.

Maybe he was just
messing with us.

Blood Eagle get out truth.

Or fake confession.
Either way it's still fun.

Troops, we all saw
the threatening gesture

made by young Zack.

It doesn't take a military
genius, which I am,

to know that we must be
on guard for a new attack.

We must spread out.

Vast territory to defend.

Yes, that is the rub.

But where?

Where will these rapscallions
strike next?

Well, I can tell you
an obvious target.

We're sitting in it.

Sasappis is right.
This recently restored

grand structure, all lit up,
it's begging to be hit.

Yes, that's right.

We must tell Samantha to

turn these lights off
immediately.

This place is a sitting duck.

Thorfinn turn
off lights. Easy.

Very good.

Gadzooks, what have you done?!

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Uh-oh.

If anyone has a water power
they're sitting on,

now would be
a good time to use it.

Oh, this isn't good.

They worked forever on this.
I watched Jay sand for hours,

getting sweatier
and sweatier...

Maybe they won't notice.

The Livings are not
going to be happy.

Well, the good news is there's
nothing they can really do.

We're ghosts. We're impervious
to their worldly punishments.

They could take away our TV.

Wait, no.

But there's
a new season of The Bakeoff.

No! No, no, no, no!
Our gazebo!

Oh, my God.

What happened?
Did anybody see anything?

Is actually funny story.

It was the kids.

The kids did it.
I got this.

And that's-that's what happened,
and that's what we all saw.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

What? What's going on?

They're saying they saw
those kids

burn down the gazebo.

I-I can't believe this.

Oh, my God, that kid
really follows through

on a threat, doesn't he?

The tiny fiends approached

with malice in their eyes,

their torches held aloft.

They had torches?

Those tiny wooden torches.

Matches, I believe
you call them.

Yes, that's the word
I was looking for.

Damn my female brain.

This doesn't make any sense.

I mean, they egg, they TP,
but arson?

This is a major escalation.
And yet it happened.

As sad a comment on today's
youth though that may be.

We're gonna have to
call the cops.

This is officially
the worst Halloween ever.

Fine! I get it.

I took you away from
all those fun parties,

and then I called
that kid's mommy,

and now we have no gazebo,
and it's all my fault.

I'm sorry, Jay.

Man, I can't believe kids are

capable of this sort of thing.

Didn't kids murder you?

That was an accident,
I-I'm pretty sure.

Well, we talked
to the kids, and...

they denied everything.

The kid made a weird
throat slash gesture,

and an hour later,
the gazebo burned down.

Isn't that pretty damning?

She'd have made
a great lawyer

had she not gone into journalism
or been born a woman.

Okay, look,

this is a small town.

We know these kids,
and frankly, they're bad news.

Nothing like arson before,
but maybe they just snapped.

They did say that you
called their mommies.

Listen, what's gonna happen
to these kids?

Eh, we're looking at fines,

maybe community service.

They'll definitely kick Zack
off the basketball team.

Yeah, what these kids
really burned down tonight

was any hope
for a bright future.

Oh, boy.

Keep it together, man.
Have you noticed any other

suspicious activity
around the house?

Mm... no.

Well, would you mind
showing us to the, uh,

uh, uh... the gazebo?

Sure.

You couldn't remember
"gazebo"?

Well, all's well that ends well.

And, oh, God,
I believe it's Sunday.

Pete, I think it's time
for Food Club.

Oh, where did we
leave off last week?

Thor was talking about cod.

Oh, yes, you're right.
Absolutely.

It was quite a cliffhanger,
if I recall.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Not so fast.

Something doesn't
smell right here.

I think everything smells
perfectly fine.

Thorfinn, sounds like those kids
are in a lot of trouble.

Do you think they deserve it?

Well, I mean...

Of course he thinks
they deserve it.
I didn't ask you.

Spill it, iceberg.
What are you sitting on?

Okay! Kids didn't do it.
I did.

What?
Good God, man,

that's all it took?
How did you know?

You date a two-timing
bootlegger for five years,

you learn to tell
when someone's lying.
It was an accident.

Also, Isaac lie.

Hetty and Sass went along.

Sorry.

Law of the sea.

The ship goes down,
we all perish.

Well, we have to tell Sam.

Look, maybe these kids
didn't commit

this particular offense,

but they have been
terrorizing

Woodstone Mansion
for years.

We can't just frame them.

This goes against
everything I stand for.
Oh, really, Pete?

Because from where
I'm sitting, I see a man

who for the past 40 years
has blathered on

about his "troop,"
and things like loyalty.

I mean, you literally have
a loyalty badge.

So?

So we're your troop now.

Your loyalty lies with us.

So what's it gonna be, Pete,
the ghosts or the Livings, hmm?

Trevor, back us up.

I stand with Pete.

Wait, what? But Pete's
on the side of good.

I mean, the other side.

We spend our days complaining
about how Halloween

makes us out to be evil,

and movies paint us
to be the villains.

But if we let some kids
take the fall

for something that we did,

then aren't we exactly
what they say we are?

And don't we deserve
to be busted?

Oh, amen.

Really?

He's the one doing
the right thing?

I really do feel bad now.

Are you slow-clapping
your own speech?

You're damn right I am.
They haven't seen an '80s movie,

and you didn't start it,
so I have to.

That's weird.

There's some charred wood
over there.

Is that part of the gazebo?

Why would they drag it
over there?

Oh, no, no, no.
That's our canoe.

Yeah, yeah, we dragged it
up from the lake.

Hold up. You're the folks
that burned down the canoe

a few weeks ago.

I didn't get
a good look at you.

Well, here we are.

And now you're claiming
that some kids

burned down your gazebo?

Okay, it doesn't
look great.

Yeah, but we're not arsonists.
No.

Although if we were arsonists,
we would definitely

deny being arsonists.

'Cause that would--
I'm not gonna talk anymore.

Why would we burn down
our own gazebo?

Why would you burn down
your own canoe?

We had zero to do with this.
Zero.

This was 100% those kids.
It was the kids.

And frankly, we're
a little offended

that you would even
accuse us

of something so heinous.

A quick word if I may, Samantha.

It wasn't the kids.
We lied.

We burned down the gazebo.

So, okay, carry on.

Although actually, it may
not have been the kids.

What?

Yeah, it's sort of
coming to me now.

Gosh, this is embarrassing.

Ma'am, what's going on?

I had a cigarette earlier.

I recently started
smoking again.

And I thought
I put it out,

but now that I'm
thinking about it again,

maybe it wasn't completely out.

And you just
remembered this now?

I didn't want Jay
to find out.

And, uh, then the lies just
sort of started piling up

on top of each other,
and then he called you guys.

Okay, Jim, I think
we should wrap this up.

Ma'am, if you have
any other problems,

please lose our number.

That's more than fair.
Thank you.

Sorry.
You're smoking?

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

Jay, the ghosts
burned down the gazebo.

What do you mean the ghosts
burned it down? How?

I don't know, but
they are in big trouble.

W-Well, what, can they shoot
lasers out of their eyes?

That would be so cool.

I mean terrifying,
but so cool!

Samantha, we want you
to know that

we just feel terrible.
Yes.

And we would like to take
this opportunity

to formally apologize

for this evening's, um,

you know what, let's call them
missteps, shall we?

Because I think we all learned
a very valuable les...

Shut it, Isaac.
Ooh. Yep.

Tonight was unacceptable.

You guys destroyed our property,
then lied about it,

then tried to get
children arrested.

You're no wise council
of elders.

You know what they are?

They're the children
in this scenario.

Yes.
Mm-hmm.

Nuh-uh!
It was Thor.
He started it.

Just so you know,

not all of us were to blame.

I gave a big speech about
doing the right thing.

It was very moving.
Mm-hmm.

Someone started a slow-clap.

I don't want to hear it.

You know what children need

when they do something
wrong, babe?

You give 'em consequences.

That's true, Jay.
I like that.

Small man using our
own words against us.

Not loving where this is headed.

No TV, one week.

But The Bakeoff!

Oh, no!
All of us?!

It's football season.
Come on!

You guys did this. Come on!

What's the latest?

Ooh, they left the rooftop,

and now they're at
a warehouse party

in the Meatpacking District.

Oh, sounds fun.

Yeah. We would've
crushed that.

Well, without storming off
or yelling and in all sincerity,

I'm sorry you had
a lame Halloween.

Yeah, that's the thing,
I didn't.

What do you mean?

Um, our gazebo got
burned down by ghosts

on Halloween, in front
of our haunted house.

We by far had the coolest
Halloween of all our friends.

Really?

Yeah. When we first
moved here from New York,

I thought our lives
were gonna be boring

and slow, but after tonight,

turns out they're gonna
be anything but.

You're okay stuck out here
alone with me?

Hell yeah.
You're all I need.

You're my stepbrother.

No, you're my stepbrother.

Well, this is just disturbing.

Didn't you marry your cousin?

So, how are the ghosts
taking their punishment?

They're not loving it.

Yeah, I wasn't stoked
on no TV either,

but it's kind of peaceful.

This is so unfair!
Oh, come on!

We did nothing wrong!

I think they've learned
their lesson.

Mm-mm, stay strong.

Maybe we just put on
something educational.

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