Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- HOW YOU ALL DOING?

WHEN I SAY "HEY", YOU SAY, "HO".

-- HEY -- HO

- HEY - HO

- WHEN I SAY "WANT SOME", YOU SAY "MO'".

-- WANT SOME - MO'.

-- WANT SOME - MO'

- MO -- MORE?

ALL RIGHT. WANT SOME MORE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

BOY, YOU REALLY DO IT. SON OF A BITCH.

[ LAUGHS ] SON OF A BITCH.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE

SMILING AND EVERYTHING, IT'S COOL.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE.

YOU ALL BRAVE MOTHERFUCKERS.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM AFRICA.

GIVE IT UP, BABY.

GIVE IT UP, BABY, COME ON NOW.

GIVE IT UP. GIVE IT UP.

[ BEAT BOXING ]

[ CLAPPING ]

AND THAT'S JUST IN THE AIRPORT.

AFRICA, MAN. AFRICA.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S CRAZY BECAUSE OVER IN AFRICA,

THEY GOT DRIVE-BYS NOW.

AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT? DRIVE-BYS IN AFRICA.

AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?

ONLY THEY DO IT DIFFERENT OVER THERE.

THEY BE LIKE -- VROOM -- [ BLOW DART SOUND ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

DID WE GET HIM?

♪

- DEF COMEDY JAM.

IT'S THE RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM

WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS, MARCUS COMBS --

ALEX SCOTT --

ALI --

AND CHRIS THOMAS.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY,

THE KID CAPRI.

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

SO LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

- HEY, NOW. HOW Y'ALL?

ONE MORE TIME, MY MAN KID CAPRI!

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW ALL THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS.

REMEMBER THAT GAY SENATOR FROM IDAHO?

THIS MOTHER FUCKER IS --

IS TRYING TO GET SOME ASS IN A BATHROOM.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

YOU EVER BEEN TO A MEN'S BATHROOM?

THAT SHIT IS NASTY.

I DON'T EVEN PUT MY FUCKIN' LUGGAGE

DOWN ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR.

YOU EVER BEEN TO THE BATHROOM

SO FUCKED UP YOU JUST SHIT ON YOURSELF?

NAH, I'M GONNA GET THIS WHEN I GET HOME, FUCK YOU.

AND THEY TAP THEIR FEET ON THE FLOOR.

THAT'S THE SYMBOL FOR GAY SEX.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT. [ LAUGHS ]

I'LL NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH AN IPOD AGAIN, FUCK YOU.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?"

"NO, MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS LISTENING TO THE NEW KANYE JOINT.

GET AWAY FROM ME!"

AND WHEN YOU TAP YOUR FOOT ON THE GROUND, WHAT HAPPEN?

DO A DICK FALL OUT OF THE CEILING OR --

THAT SHIT WAS ALL ON THE NEWS.

YOU KNOW, ONE PERSON WHO WAS HAPPY WAS MICHAEL VICK.

HE'S LIKE, "SHIT, AT LEAST I AIN'T ON THE NEWS NO GODDAMN MORE."

"HEY, LOOK, I MIGHT HAVE KILL SOME DOGS,

BUT I WASN'T TRYING TO SUCK DICK IN A BATHROOM.

THAT'S ALL THE FUCK I'M SAYING."

I DONE -- MICHAEL VICK CATCHING HELL, MAN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS,

THEY SAY HE KILLED DOGS BECAUSE THEY LOST.

AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLAYED FOR THE FALCONS.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUCKIN' TRUE.

YOU KNOW THE DOGS, IF THEY COULD TALK,

THEY'D HAVE TALK SOME SHIT.

"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER, I LOST THE GAME,

BUT YOU JUST LOST TO THE RAIDERS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

WHAT THE FUCK?

YOU KNOW THE RAIDERS CAN'T PLAY NO FUCKIN' FOOTBALL.

THEY DON'T EVEN DO THE SPORTS REPORT FOR THE RAIDERS.

THEY JUST COME IN, "Y'ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."

AND IN OTHER NEWS -- [ LAUGHS ]

Y'ALL READY TO KICK THIS THING OFF?

- YEAH!

[ APPLAUSE ]

- THIS MAN RIGHT HERE HAILS FROM THE WINDY CITY.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN, MARCUS COMBS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

- THAT'S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE.

HOW MANY OF Y'ALL EVER RODE A SKATEBOARD?

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I USE TO RIDE.

MY MOMMA WOULD SEND ME TO THE STORE --

LET ME SHOW HOW I USED TO RIDE MY SHIT.

I GOT HEADPHONES IN MY EAR, GOT MY MUSIC,

PULL UP TO A KIND OF GIRL I LIKED --

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HOLLER AT ME?

WELL, FUCK YOU THEN.

THE ONE DAY I WAS IN LA, SEE SOME GUYS IN RED.

I THOUGHT THEY WAS CRIPS.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT UP, CUZ?"

OH, YOU ALL AIN'T CRIPS?

OH, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T CRIPS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT'S UP, LA?

[ APPLAUSE ]

LOOK AT ALL THESE PRETTY MOTHERFUCKERS IN HERE, SHIT.

GOT THEIR TOES DID.

WENT TO THE CHINESE PEOPLE, DIDN'T YOU?

THEY GOT GOOD SERVICE IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DON'T THEY?

THEY GOT FIVE PEOPLE ON FEET AND NAILS,

ONE MOTHERFUCKER COLLECTING MONEY.

HE GAY AND THE OWNER.

THEN THEY GOT THE LADY WHO GREETS YOU.

"MANICURE, PEDICURE?"

"COME ON! COME ON!

COME ON! SIT HERE.

TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF.

SOMEONE BE RIGHT THERE.

NEXT CUSTOMER, MANICURE, PEDICURE?

COME ON!

SIT HERE WITH THIS LADY, OKAY?

YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER."

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ] WATCH THESE TWO BITCHES.

"NEXT, MANICURE PEDICURE?"

"COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!"

DON'T WALK IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST WANTING A MANICURE.

"MANICURE, PEDICURE?"

"NO, JUST THE MANICURE."

"SIR, YOU SEE ALL THE LADY HERE?

"THEY WANT MANICURE, PEDICURE.

WE'RE TOO BUSY, GO DOWN THE STREET.

MY COUSIN TAKE CARE OF YOU.

NEXT, MANICURE, PEDICURE?"

THEY BE WALKING AROUND ALL DAY IF THEY AIN'T GOT NO CUSTOMERS.

[ SINGING ] "MANICURE, PEDICURE?

COME ON."

ANYBODY EVER SEEN A CHINESE ON CRACK? ANYBODY?

THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT, TRUST ME.

YOU JUST CAN'T TELL BECAUSE THEIR EYES AIN'T BIG AS OURS.

THEY SHIT BE LOW AS HELL BUT THEY BE LAUGHING. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU HIGH, AIN'T YOU?"

"NO." [ LAUGHS ]

"FUCK YOU KEEP LAUGHING FOR?"

"DON'T PLAY, HURRY UP, OKAY?

I SUPERMAN, YOU HO, COME ON."

THEY SMOKE THAT CRACK, THOUGH.

OH, THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT.

AND THEIR COUNTRY IS SO STRICT,

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALL OVER HERE.

THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH A LOT OF SHIT.

ONE OF THEM DECIDE TO SMOKE CRACK IN THE HOUSE.

[ SPEAKING IN CHINESE ]

LITTLE NIECE WALK IN AND CATCH HIM.

"I TELL ON YOU."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK."

NEXT DAY, HIS ASS BEING KICKED OUT.

NOW SHE CRYING.

"CHU SHANG! CHU SHANG.

UNCLE WOO."

"WHAT?"

"WHY Y'ALL MAKE CHU SHANG LEAVE?"

"FUCK CHU SHANG."

"CHU SHANG A JUNKIE.

HE STOLE TEN DOLLAR OUT MY WALLET.

FUCK CHU SHANG."

"CHU SHANG!"

"WHAT?"

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"

"FUCK YOU.

I GOT TO AMERICA, GET A NAIL SHOP.

I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!"

[ SINGING ]

"CHU SHANG!"

"WHAT?" "I WORK FOR YOU."

"COME ON! SWIM!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW THEY BALLING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

[ PHONE RINGING ] "HELLO, PRO NAILS."

"UH, IS THIS CHU SHANG?"

"YEAH, WHO IS THIS?"

"THIS UNCLE WOO."

"CAN'T TALK. DOING FULL SET. BYE."

CLICK, NEXT.

MANICURE, PEDICURE?

SOME OF Y'ALL GOING TO GET IN YOUR CAR TONIGHT.

SOON AS YOU START YOUR SHIT,

IT'LL BE LIKE, "BITCH! COME ON.

MANICURE, PEDICURE?"

SOMEBODY GONNA GO HOME AND BE FUCKIN', BE LIKE,

"OH, SHIT.

OH, I'M ABOUT TO NUT, OH, SHIT.

MANICURE, PEDICURE?"

AND SHE GOING TO BE LIKE, CHU SHANG!

THANK YOU ALL, MARCUS COMBS.

♪

- ONE MORE TIME FOR MARCUS COMBS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THIS NEXT GUY DEFINITELY KNOW HOW TO WAKE UP AN AUDIENCE.

FROM RICHMOND, VIRGINIA,

PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR ALEX SCOTT.

♪

[ APPLAUSE ]

- WHAT'S HAPPENING, Y'ALL?

MAN, YOU ALL GIVE IT UP FOR D.L. HUGHLEY, MAN!

WHOA! I'M AT THE DEF JAM, BOY.

MAN, I'M GOING TO DEDICATE THIS TO MY GRANDMA, THOUGH.

MAN, WE LOST HER YESTERDAY, MAN.

WE FOUND HER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE WALKING AROUND NAKED.

WOULD NOBODY GIVE HER A RIDE HOME.

THAT'S WHAT'S FUCKED UP.

CAN'T NOBODY GIVE YOUR GRANDMA A RIDE HOME NAKED.

SHE GET OUT, SAY SOME ALL-CRAZY ALZHEIMER SHIT LIKE,

"SUGAR, WE HAD A BALL TODAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU AND YOUR COUSINS BE ON THE PORCH LIKE,

"THIS NIGGA' DONE FUCK MY GRANDMOTHER."

"THIS NIGGA' DONE FUCK MY GRANDMA.

I GOT TO KILL THEM, I GOT TO KILL HIM!"

DEF JAM!

WHOA!

CAME OUT HERE FROM VA, BOY, VIRGINIA, BOY.

ANYBODY FROM THE EAST COAST?

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHERE I'M LIVING -- IT'S COUNTRY WHERE I LIVE AT, DOG.

WE USE TO LIVE SO FAR OUT OF TOWN,

ONE TIME MY UNCLE FAKED A HEART ATTACK

SO HE COULD GET THE AMBULANCE TO GIVE HIM A RIDE TO TOWN.

I WAS SITTING IN THE BASEMENT PLAYING PLAYSTATION.

HE GOING TO COME IN TALKING ABOUT,

"Y'ALL NEED ANYTHING FROM THE STORE?

"I'M A CALL 911 IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

Y'ALL NEED TO LET ME KNOW IF Y'ALL NEED SOMETHING."

HE THE ONLY FOOL I KNOW PICK AN OUTFIT OUT

BEFORE HE HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

HE COMING IN --

"YEAH, I'M A WEAR THIS POLO SHIRT TONIGHT.

WORE MY SILK SHIRT LAST TIME.

THEY FUCKED IT UP WITH THEIR ELECTRIC SHOCK."

"LOOK LIKE AN IRON PRINT ON FRONT OF MY SHIT."

OH, MAN.

THE LADIES LOOKING GOOD IN LA.

FELLOWS, GIVE IT UP FOR THEM, WHOA!

WHO'S SINGLE IN THE HOUSE?

WHO'S SINGLE IN THE HOUSE?

[ CHEERING ]

JUST GOT RID OF A MOTHERFUCKER?

WHO JUST GOT RID OF A MOTHERFUCKER?

[ CHEERING ]

I JUST GOT RID OF MY LITTLE CHICK.

SHE WAS ONE OF THEM LITTLE CHICKS, THOUGH,

SHE ALWAYS GOT TO TELL ME HOW GOOD SHE IS TO ME.

YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THEM PEOPLE

EVERYDAY GOT TO ITEMIZE THE RELATIONSHIP.

"NIGGA', I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GOT LOCKED UP.

I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GOT STABBED."

"I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU WRECKED YOUR CAR."

I SAY, "YOU RIGHT. YOUR ASS IS BAD LUCK.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

EVERY TIME YOU AROUND, SOME BULLSHIT HAPPEN TO MY ASS."

"WAS FINE WHEN I MET YOU.

NOW, MY ASS WALK WITH A LIMP AND GOT A SUSPENDED LICENSE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU EVER DROVE ON SUSPENDED LICENSE SO LONG,

YOU FORGOT IT WAS SUSPENDED?

CAN'T -- CAN'T PLAY THAT SHIT OUT HERE, LA,

BECAUSE LAPD DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.

I AIN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING.

I JUST GOT A DUI.

LITTLE SUCKERS ON THE BICYCLE GOT ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Y'ALL SEEN THE POLICE ON THE BICYCLE?

- YEAH.

- WHEN I FIRST SEEN HIM, I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S ABOUT TO BE A HIGH-SPEED CHASE OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

"I NEED AN OIL CHANGE BUT I CAN OUTRUN THIS HUFFY.

I CAN GET HIS ASS."

"FUCK HE GOING TO DO IF HE DO LOCK ME UP?

PUT ME ON BACK OF THE BIKE?"

BE GOING TO JAIL LIKE, "THIS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE.

TAKE ME TO JAIL LIKE A MAN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MOTHERFUCKER DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SIREN.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAD A LITTLE BELL ON HIS SHIT LIKE,

"RING, RING, RING, RING."

THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME.

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.

I LOOKED.

I'M THINKING I'M A GET A NUTTY BUTTY.

I DONE CAUGHT A FELONY OUT THIS BITCH.

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW.

CLAP FOR THAT!

WHEW! OW!

YOU EVEN KNOW YOU NOT COMING BACK TO WORK THE NEXT DAY,

BUT DON'T NOBODY ELSE KNOW THAT SHIT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY BE LIKE, "SEE YOU TOMORROW, ALEX."

YOU BE LIKE, "YOU THINK SO, BITCH?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

GOT MY BAGS PACKED TO HIT MOTHERFUCKIN' 95 RIGHT NOW.

I USED TO WORK AT THE HOSPITAL.

YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL IN SICK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY BE LIKE, "WELL, COME ON IN.

WE CHECK YOU OUT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I JUST BE LIKE, "FUCK YOU, BITCH."

I GOT SO FUCKED UP ONE TIME,

I CALLED IN ON THE WRONG DAY ONE DAY."

I CALL IN.

I WAS JUST MAKING UP SHIT LIKE MY STOMACH ACHE,

I GOT A HEADACHE.

LITTLE GIRL TOLD ME, "ALEX, THIS SUNDAY."

"OH, WELL, BITCH, I CALL YOU TOMORROW THEN, FUCK IT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I USED TO LIKE WORKING ON THE AMBULANCE

BECAUSE THAT'S SOME FUN SHIT.

YOU CAN NOSY AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

MOTHERFUCKER PASS OUT IN HIS KITCHEN.

I BE ALL IN HIS BASEMENT LIKE,

"THIS IS NICE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

WHEW!"

THEY CAME IN THE BEDROOM ONE TIME.

HE WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS ME.

I WAS TRYING ON A SWEAT SUIT AND SHIT.

AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU LIVING NEXT DOOR TO, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

PEOPLE BE DOING FREAKY SHIT.

YOU WON'T NEVER KNOW TILL YOU SHOW UP UNEXPECTED.

ONE DUDE, I GUESS IT WAS HIS ANNIVERSARY.

HIM AND HIS OLD LADY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FREAKY.

HE CAUGHT HIMSELF, GONNA JUMP OFF THE DRESSER

AND JUMP TOO FAR AND HIT HIS HEAD ON THE HEADBOARD.

WE COME RUNNING IN WITH THE PARAMEDICS.

HE LAYING THERE, BUTT NAKED,

WITH A LITTLE SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK.

KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT,

BUTT NAKED WITH A SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK.

SOME LITTLE SUPERMAN DRAWERS ON,

ONE BALL HANGING OUT THE SIDE.

HE LAID THE FUCK OUT.

THEY LOOK AT HIM. HE TALKING ABOUT, "DO CPR!"

I SAID, "YOU BETTER PUT THEM BALLS AWAY.

I TELL YOU THAT."

THAT'S MY TIME, Y'ALL.

ALEX SCOTT.

♪

- THAT MY MAN, ALEX SCOTT, VERY FUNNY CAT.

IT REALLY WAS AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW WOMEN GET DRUNK.

WHEN YOU -- WHEN YOU FUCKED UP,

YOU EVER BEEN SO FUCKED UP

YOU AT A STOP SIGN WAITING FOR IT TO TURN GREEN?

I'M ABOUT TO RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

EVERYBODY -- EVERYBODY GOT TO GO BUT ME.

THIS SOME BULLSHIT.

I GOT TO GO, FUCK THIS.

AND WHEN YOU FUCKED UP,

DON'T EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE A POLICE CAR?

"OH, SHIT!"

"THERE GO THE POLICE.

HEY, BITCH, TAKE THAT SKI RACK OFF YOUR CAR.

YOU DONE MADE ME PULL OUT A BAG OF WEED FUCKIN' WITH YOU."

WHEN YOU REAL FUCKED UP,

YOU PAY ATTENTION TO TRAFFIC LAWS

YOU AIN'T NEVER PAID NO FUCKIN' MIND TO.

STOP 20 FEET BEFORE THE LIGHT.

PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU GOT A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR THAT'S SEATED NEXT TO YOU

SO YOU PUT A SEATBELT ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER, TOO.

"IF THEY STOP US, ACT LIKE WE AIN'T TOGETHER, HEAR?"

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT COMEDIAN,

I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR A SHORT TIME

BUT HE IS ONE OF THE BADDEST YOUNG CATS WORKING.

ALL THE WAY FROM HOUSTON,

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY MAN, ALI.

♪

- WHAT'S UP, LA?

[ APPLAUSE ]

WHERE ARE ALL MY PARENTS AT?

PARENTS, MAKE SOME NOISE.

Y'ALL CAN STOP.

YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE NOT FRIENDS.

BLACK FOLK, YOU AIN'T GOT TO CLAP.

I'M NOT TALKING TO Y'ALL.

Y'ALL KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO.

'CAUSE I RULE MY HOUSE WITH FEAR AND TERROR.

I HAVE A DAUGHTER, SHE EIGHT.

SHE WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,

I JUST JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE AND JUST CHOKE HER.

"HEY! YOUR DADDY DON'T PLAY!"

AND LET HER GO.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE GO OUTSIDE, SOMEBODY ASK HER SOMETHING,

"HEY, YOU WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE?"

"NO, YOU KNOW MY DADDY DON'T PLAY."

WHITE FOLKS IS CRAZY WITH THEIR KIDS.

YOU SEE THEM, BLACK FOLK,

KIDS JUST RUNNING ALL THROUGH THE GROCERY STORE,

TEARING UP EVERYTHING.

Y'ALL GOT TO HELP THEM.

WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY ON AISLE 3 RUNNING,

KNOCKING EVERYTHING DOWN, YOU GOT TO TRIP LITTLE TIMMY --

FOR HIS MOMMA.

"YOUR BABY FELL."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY ON AISLE 5

CUSSING HIS MOMMA OUT, TAKE A BAG OF RICE

AND FAST PISTOL WHIP HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD.

AND WALK PAST HIM.

"YOUR BABY FELL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY AT THE CHECKOUT LINE

ACTING A FOOL,

TAKE YOUR BASKET AND HIT HIS ACHILLES HEEL --

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T THINK WHEN YOU --

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOUR BABY FELL."

YOU EVER HIT YOUR MOMMA HEEL WITH THAT BASKET,

AND SHE -- AND SHE ALMOST FORGOT THAT YOU WAS HER CHILD.

YOU -- YOU RODE -- YOU HIT HER --

"HEY, HEY! I'M YOURS. I'M YOURS."

"I AM YOURS."

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME BY HER NO MORE

WITH THE BASKET.

YOU WAY OVER HERE.

"BOY, COME GET THIS RICE!"

"NO, THROW IT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BECAUSE YOU IS IGNORANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GOT TO HELP THEM.

NOW, PARENTS, DO NOT BEAT YOUR KIDS

FOR THINGS THAT THEY SEE YOU DO.

MY DAUGHTER CURSE BECAUSE I CURSE.

SHE DON'T CURSE BAD, DON'T JUDGE MY BABY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HER WORD IS FUNKY ASS.

AND YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING HAPPEN TO YOU

UNTIL YOUR CHILD CALL YOU FUNKY ASS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M DOWNSTAIRS IN MY HOUSE, SHE UPSTAIRS.

I HEARD HER CALL MY NAME. "DADDY!"

I'M ON THE PHONE, THOUGH, DOING SOME BUSINESS I'M --

SHE -- SHE DON'T KNOW.

"DADDY!"

SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING SO I AIN'T ANSWER.

SHE CAME DOWN THE STEP, [ STOMPING FEET ]

"HEY! YOUR FUNKY ASS DIDN'T HEAR ME CALL YOU?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I SAY, "MAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"SEE, I CAN'T REMEMBER. SHIT!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM WHO THEY CAN SAY IT TO,

AND WHO THEY CAN'T SAY IT TO.

SHE CALL MY MOMMA FUNKY ASS ONE TIME.

IT GET WORSE -- IT GET WORSE.

WE WAS IN CHURCH.

DON'T JUDGE MY BABY BECAUSE SHE A GOOD KID.

JUST LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY.

THIS ME, MY MOMMA, MY BABY.

WE IN CHURCH, THE PASTOR TALKING.

MY BABY SAID IT REAL NICE, "GRANDMA."

MY MOM SAY, "SSHH, THE PASTOR'S TALKING."

SO YOU KNOW YOUR KIDS.

MY DAUGHTER HAD AN ATTITUDE ON HER FACE LIKE,

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHO'S TALKING.

YOU MY GRANDMAMMA. WHEN I CALL, YOU ANSWER."

SHE SAY -- NOW SHE SAY IT WITH AN ATTITUDE,

"GRANDMAMMA --

MY MOMMA SAY, "SSHH, THE PASTOR'S TALKING."

MY LITTLE GIRL SAID, "OH, SO YOUR FUNKY ASS CAN'T TALK TO ME

BECAUSE THE PASTOR'S TALKING?"

SO I JUMPED IN BETWEEN THEM.

MY LITTLE GIRL TALKING ABOUT, "LET HER GO! LET HER GO!"

I SAY, "NOW, SHE USE TO WHOOP MY ASS. NO."

SO I TOOK HER OUTSIDE, BUT YOUR KIDS ARE SMART.

I SAY, "JANE, LISTEN, YOU CAN'T SAY FUNKY ASS."

SHE SAY, "WHY, DADDY? YOU SAY FUNKY ASS."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T DO WHAT I DO.

YOU DO WHAT I SAY!"

SO SHE THOUGHT FOR A COUPLE OF A SECONDS,

AND SHE SAID, "AND YOU SAY FUNKY ASS!"

AND RIGHT THEN, I SAY, "NO MORE PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR HER."

TOO SMART!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M A BLACK MAN.

I'M JEALOUS OF OTHER RACES.

I'M NOT JEALOUS, I'M ENVIOUS.

I'M ENVIOUS BECAUSE THEY CAN DO THINGS

THAT I KNOW I'LL NEVER EXPERIENCE.

SPANISH PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE.

THAT'S -- THAT'S ENOUGH DAMN NOISE.

WHEN THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY BROKE IN YOUR HOUSE?

NEVER!

BECAUSE SOMEBODY ALWAYS HOME AT SOMEBODY'S SPANISH HOUSE.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

THEY GOING TO BREAK IN WHILE YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT THEM?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHITE FOLKS, HOW Y'ALL DOING?

WHITE FOLKS, HOW Y'ALL DOING?

SEE, LOOK AT THEM. MARVELOUS.

STUPENDOUS.

WONDERFUL.

BLACK FOLK, I AIN'T NEVER USE THEM WORDS

PERTAINING TO MY FEELINGS.

WONDERFUL. MARVELOUS.

NOTHING!

YOU KNOW, OUR FEELINGS ARE BASED ONLY IF WE CAN PAY A BILL OR NOT.

"WHAT'S UP, LARRY? HOW YOU DOING?"

"SSHH --"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"IF I CAN GET THAT LIGHT BILL DOWN,

I'LL BE DOING ALRIGHT."

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL WE GOING TO EVER DO

SOMETIME IS, ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE WE RETARDED.

BLACK FOLK, STOP GOING ON "FAMILY FEUD".

'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY THEY SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE,

THEY NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S WHY YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BLACK FAMILY --

WELL, I WATCH EVERYDAY JUST TO SEE IF SOMEBODY BLACK

GOING TO WIN ONE TIME.

I ALMOST THOUGHT THE JOHNSONS WERE GOING TO WIN YESTERDAY.

OOH, I WAS THERE.

I SAID, "OOH,

[ INDISTINCT ]

AND THE MAN CAME OUT WITH A TRICK QUESTION.

HE SAY, "NAME A POPULAR FLAVOR OF KOOL-AID."

AND I SAT IN FRONT OF THIS TV AND PRAYED AND PRAYED,

AND PRAYED AND PRAYED THAT THIS BLACK MAN

WOULDN'T BE A NIGGA' FOR JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

HE HIT THAT BUZZER WITH ALL THE CONFIDENCE IN THE WORLD.

[ SMACKING ] "RED!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NAME ALI. Y'ALL BEEN GOOD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

- WHAT'D I TELL YOU? MY MAN ALI.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU MEAN RED AIN'T A FLAVOR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M FUCKED UP.

THIS NEXT CAT IS ONE OF THE PIONEERS OF HIP HOP COMEDY,

A GIFTED IMPRESSIONIST AND A TRUE DEF JAM LEGEND.

ALL THE WAY FROM WASHINGTON DC,

THE MAYOR, MR. CHRIS THOMAS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

- WHAZZUP?

YOU DON'T MIND IF I TAKE A DRINK?

I GOT BIG LIPS.

I SAW THIS LITTLE WHITE GIRL THE OTHER DAY.

SHE SAY, "YOU HAVE SOME BIG LIPS.

I WISH I HAD LIPS LIKE YOURS."

I SAID, "BITCH, HOLD STILL."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I LIKE COMING TO LA.

I LIKE GOING TO CRENSHAW.

I WENT TO STRIP CLUB LAST NIGHT CALLED "FIRST KINGS".

OH, YEAH, THAT'S LIKE THAT LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL.

$75, THEY DO IT ALL.

WENT IN THERE, THEY HAD A YOUNG LADY --

FIRST DANCE I'VE EVER SEEN --

HAD MOLES ALL OVER HER BODY, FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOE.

WHEN THEY BROUGHT HER OUT, THEY SAY, "HERE SHE IS.

CHOCOLATE CHIP."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

CHOCOLATE CHIP SAID,

"I'M A DO SOMETHING NASTY FOR YOU.

COME ON IN THE VIP ROOM."

WENT INTO THE VIP ROOM.

SHE SAID, "TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF."

SHE LICKED ME DOWN MY BACK, BETWEEN MY ASS,

AROUND MY BALLS,

CAME UP AND KISSED ME IN MY MOUTH.

I LOOKED AT CHOCOLATE CHIP.

I SAID, "CHOCOLATE CHIP, DO IT AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY HAD A OLD DANCER IN THERE, TOO.

SHE WAS OLD.

I MEAN, HER DANCE NAME WAS "CENTURY", YOU KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE -- SHE GOT TO DANCING IN FRONT OF ME.

I'VE NEVER SEEN NO GREY HAIR ON NO VAGINA BEFORE, RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS TRYING TO TELL HER -- I SAID, "YOU --

YOU GOT A LOT OF LINT, A LOT OF LINT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE SAID, "THAT AIN'T NO LINT."

AND I SAID, "WELL, TELL ME IT'S BABY POWDER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I LIKE LA. I WENT -- YOU KNOW,

I WENT TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY.

YOU KNOW, BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE,

CHINESE -- WE ALL MIXING UP.

WENT TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY.

GOT A -- THE MAMA WAS CHINESE, THE FATHER WAS BLACK.

MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE RESTAURANT CALLED "SO WHAT CHINESE FOOD".

I'M IN THERE EATING.

LIKE ME AND D.L., WE DONE WENT OUT AND ATE BEFORE.

ME AND BERNIE MAC WAS OUT.

WE WAS SITTING THERE EATING,

AND WE GOT TO SITTING THERE TALKING.

AND BERNIE WAS SAYING, "CHRIS, THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE FOOD

IS GOOD AS A MOTHERFUCK."

I SAID, "IT IS."

I SAID, "OPEN YOUR FORTUNE COOKIE."

HE TOOK HIS FORTUNE COOKIE OUT.

HE OPENED HIS FORTUNE COOKIE,

I SAID, "WHAT IT SAY?"

HE SAID, "OH, FUCK NO.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE.

MY FORTUNE COOKIE SAY, GET YOUR MONEY, MOTHERFUCKER."

I SAID, "WHAT YOUR -- WHAT IS YOUR LOTTERY NUMBER?"

HE SAID, "I PLAYED IT MY MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF."

I SAID, "AIN'T THAT A BITCH?"

THEN ONE DAY, I TOOK MIKE TYSON TO THE SAME RESTAURANT.

MIKE TYSON WAS READING HIS FORTUNE COOKIE.

I SAID, "MIKE, WHAT'D IT SAY?"

HE SAY, "YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.

IT SAYS, BITE RIGHT INTO IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

TOOK JESSIE JACKSON.

I SAID, "JESSIE, WHAT DID YOURS SAID?"

"MINE SAID, 'I HAVE A BABY, TOO.'"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL THE BIG GIRLS,

LET ME HEAR YOU SAY "CHICKEN WINGS".

[ CROWD SAYING "CHICKEN WINGS" ]

I LIKE THEM BIG WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE BIG WOMEN?

IT'S BECAUSE BIG WOMEN, WHEN THEY TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF,

ALL YOU HEAR IS THAT MUSIC FROM JACK IN THE BOX.

TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, BABY.

[ SINGING JACK IN THE BOX TUNE ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NAME IS CHRIS THOMAS. THANK YOU!

[ APPLAUSE ]

- ONE MORE TIME, MY MAN CHRIS THOMAS.

ALL RIGHT.

AND NOW FOR THE MAN WHO MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE,

PAYS ALL THE BILLS.

GIVE IT UP FOR RUSSELL SIMMONS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

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