Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE, BEING BLACK, AIN'T IT?

IT'S HARD, MAN. IT'S A HARD JOB.

YOU CAN'T GET NO RELIEF NOWHERE. I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO.

YOU CAN GO HOME. YOU CAN CUT YOUR TV ON.

IT'S PRESSURE. I WENT HOME.

I TRIED TO GET A LITTLE RELIEF GOING.

WATCHED SPORTS, SPORTS CHANNEL. CUT IT ON.

THE MAN SAID, "WE BRING TO YOU AMERICA'S FAVORITE SPORT--

THE AMERICA'S CUP."

NOW, WHO THE HELL DID THEY CHECK WITH ON THIS?

THEY SAID YACHTING IS AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE SPORT.

YOU DON'T NEVER SEE NONE OF US YACHTING, DO YOU? UH-UH.

AFTER THAT FIRST BIG BOAT RIDE--UH-UH--

WE KIND OF LOST OUR TASTE FOR SAILING.

HA HA HA!

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"

WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

DAMON WILLIAMS,

SEAN LARKINS,

B-PHLAT,

AND TURAE.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J.,

THE KID CAPRI,

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST,

D.L. HUGHLEY.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

- HOW ABOUT THAT? HOW ABOUT THAT?

ONE MORE TIME, MY CAT KID C-C-CAPRI.

OH.

YOU GOT IT, MAN.

MOTHERFUCKING HAIR. GODDAMN.

GOT THE FIRST JHERI CURL ON. AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

LOOK LIKE SNOOP AND LIONEL RICHIE HAD A BABY.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

AND THE MOTHERFUCKER CAME OUTSIDE WITH PAJAMAS ON.

"SHIT, I'M GOING RIGHT BACK TO BED.

JUST DON'T MAKE NO--"

I AIN'T GONNA FUCK WITH Y'ALL.

I GOTTA GIVE THIS SWEATER BACK TO KANYE WEST AFTER THE SHOW.

ALL RIGHT, MAN. HEY, HEY, HEY.

HOW YOU DOING, KID? YOU ALL RIGHT, BABY?

- YES, SIR. WHAT'S UP?

- YOU KNOW ALL THE MIXES HE DO. HEY, MAN, YOU DO REAL HIP-HOP.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THAT'S REAL SHIT, AND, YOU KNOW,

HIP-HOP IS UNDER ATTACK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON HIP-HOP, MAN.

THE PROBLEM IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY AIN'T HIP-HOP.

IT'S THAT 60% OF BLACK KIDS DON'T HAVE A FATHER AT HOME.

THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM. RAISE YOUR KIDS.

IT'S A SIMPLE THING.

IT KILLS ME TO SEE A BEAUTIFUL SINGLE BLACK WOMAN

STRUGGLING TO RAISE A CHILD ON HER OWN.

THAT REALLY FUCKS ME UP BECAUSE I KNOW

IF SHE DIDN'T HAVE THAT KID, I'D BE TRYING TO FUCK HER.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I'LL BE DAMNED, I'M GONNA PAY A BABYSITTER

JUST TO GET SOME PUSSY.

OH, FUCK THAT SHIT.

YOU EVER BE FUCKING WITH A WOMAN?

2:00 IN THE MORNING, HER KIDS KICK IN, "GET OFF MY MAMA.

"YOU'RE HURTING HER.

I HEARD HER SCREAMING FOR JESUS IN THE HALLWAY."

SINGLE MOTHERS RAISE THEIR KIDS DIFFERENTLY.

THEY GOT DIFFERENT RULES.

"NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO STRANGERS...

"UNLESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER LOOK LIKE HE GOT A JOB, YOU HEAR ME?

"AND IF HE OFFER YOU CANDY, TAKE THAT SHIT.

"YOU KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

"SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAMA A REESE CUP.

YOU KNOW I LOVE THEM REESE CUPS."

ONLY TIME THERE'S A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE

IS WHEN THE GUY FROM THE GAS COMPANY IS THERE.

"DADDY?"

"HEY, I AIN'T YOUR DADDY.

I'M JUST HERE TO CUT OFF YOUR GAS."

"CAN YOU TEACH ME TO RIDE A BIKE BEFORE YOU GO?"

"NAW, LITTLE FUCKER. FUCK THAT.

"LET ME SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR MAMA.

"IS SHE DOUBLE-JOINTED, OR CAN'T SHE KEEP A SECRET?

FUCK THAT SHIT."

SO, YOU AIN'T GOT NO MIRRORS AT THE HOUSE, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU JUST THOUGHT THAT SHIT WAS ALL RIGHT, HUH?

YOU IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

ALL RIGHT. OUR FIRST COMEDIAN

IS ONE OF THE BADDEST YOUNG CATS IN THE COUNTRY.

HIS MOTTO IS, "DON'T STOP AND DON'T QUIT."

FROM CHICAGO, MY MAN DAMON WILLIAMS.

- WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? WHAT'S UP?

GOOD TO BE IN DOWNTOWN MEXICO.

LOOK A'HERE.

GODDAMN. HA HA HA!

HEY, HEY, FELLAS, BEFORE I GET STARTED,

YOU EVER TRY TO GET A WOMAN DRUNK?

IT AIN'T GONNA WORK THESE DAYS, TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

THESE LADIES RIGHT HERE, BACK IN THE DAY,

YOU COULD GET A WOMAN DRUNK OFF A LIGHT DRINK--

SLOE GIN FIZZ,

AMARETTO SOUR,

A LITTLE WINE COOLER.

SHE BE LIKE, "OOH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY PUT IN THAT WINE COOLER.

WHAT DID THEY PUT IN THAT WINE COOLER?"

THESE WOMEN NOW, SHIT,

THEY DRINK NOW, STRONG, FOR REAL

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, Y'ALL WORKING REAL HARD.

YOU'RE RAISING KIDS BY YOURSELF. YOU'RE RUNNING COMPANIES.

Y'ALL DRINK LIQUOR--

VODKA, LONG ISLAND, TEQUILA SHOTS, TO THE HEAD.

TRY TO GET A GIRL DRUNK NOW, SHE BE LIKE,

"GIRL, THIS FOOL THINK HE ABOUT TO GET ME DRUNK.

"HE DON'T KNOW ME, DO HE?

"HE ABOUT TO BE BROKE AS HELL IN HERE.

"C'MON, PLAYER. VODKA.

"GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE. VODKA.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA GET SOME ASS, DIDN'T YOU?

VODKA."

SHE BE LIKE, "MAN UP, BITCH. VODKA."

SHIT, END OF THE NIGHT, YOU SEE DUDES--

"SHIT, YOU GONNA HAVE TO DRIVE ME HOME."

IT'S THE BULLSHIT.

LADIES, LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

IF A DUDE TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES, HE LIKE YOU.

THAT AIN'T NO CHEAP DATE.

THAT'S WHY WHEN YOU GO, DON'T BE MAD IF HE BE LIKE,

"LET ME GET TWO TICKETS TO THE MOVIE."

"WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?"

"NO. TWO TICKETS TO THE MOVIE."

"WANT SOME SNACKS?"

"NOPE.

YOU DON'T SEE THIS BIG ASS BACKPACK RIGHT HERE?"

SEE, YOU GET IN THAT THEATER,

YOU HEAR BOTTLES ROLLING DOWN THE AISLE,

ALUMINUM FOIL CRUMPLING.

KIDS BE, "MAMA, PASS THE HOT SAUCE."

THE PIZZA MAN BE IN THERE. "WHO HAD ORDERED? SOMEBODY..."

TWO TICKETS TO THE MOVIE, FOR REAL.

THAT'S WHY WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES, DO WHAT I DO.

LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, DO WHAT I DO.

BUY 4 TICKETS FOR 4 PEOPLE.

BUY 3 TICKETS--

TWO ADULTS, ONE CHILD.

THEY NEVER COUNT.

WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO IN, HAVE ONE PERSON HOLD THE TICKET.

EVERYBODY JUST WALK. YOU IN.

I TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I DO THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME.

IT WORK. FOR REAL.

PLUS--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?--

HALF THE TIME, DUDE BE SLOW, ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE SEEN THAT DUDE.

"THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THEATER," YOU KNOW?

I AIN'T MAKING FUN OF DUDE.

I'M JUST SAYING YOU CAN TRICK HIM.

"THANK YOU FOR COMING."

YOU KNOW, YOU GIVE HIS ASS ANYTHING--A CLEANERS TICKET.

"THANK YOU FOR COMING."

A RECEIPT. "THANK YOU FOR COMING."

AND I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE'S WITH THEIR ISSUES

BECAUSE ACTUALLY, I GOT A LITTLE COUSIN.

HE'S 19, ALL RIGHT, 19, AND HE GOT ONE OF THEM, YOU KNOW?

YEAH. HE A LITTLE MESSED UP. HE'S GOT ONE OF THEM, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT'S MY MAN, THOUGH.

I TAKE HIM TO REHAB, AND I BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.

I KICK IT SO MUCH, THEY ASKED ME IF I WANT TO VOLUNTEER

AND BE ON ACTIVITIES.

RIGHT, BUT I'M TOO SILLY FOR THIS JOB,

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE FIELD TRIP.

WE GOING TO LITTLE BORING PLACES--

MOVIES, MUSEUM, LIBRARY, ZOO.

AFTER A WHILE, I'M BORED.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I THINK THEY'RE UNDERESTIMATING Y'ALL."

SO, I GATHER THEM ALL AROUND, SAID, "I'M GOING TAKE Y'ALL SOME PLACES.

"IF WE GO, Y'ALL CAN'T TELL THEM WE WENT,

OR I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE."

I'M TAKING THEM TO A PLACE THEY AIN'T GOT NO BUSINESS GOING--

YOU KNOW, BOWLING. EEEEHHHHH!

EEEEHHHHH!

THEY THROWING STRIKES, BUT ON THE WRONG LANE.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, IF YOU COULD GET THAT TWIST SHOT YOUR SHIT, YOU COULD HIT THEM, MAN.

YOU'D BE A 300."

I'M LIKE, "I KNEW Y'ALL COULD DO SHIT."

I SAID, "TELL YOU WHAT. WE WENT BOWLING,

WE CAN GO SKATING."

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

"OH," MY ASS. THEY HAD A GOOD TIME.

THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?"

I COULDN'T STOP THEM.

I SAID, "WELL, AT LEAST PUT Y'ALL DAMN SKATES ON, MAN."

I'M DAMON WILLIAMS, Y'ALL. I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

DAMON WILLIAMS.

- ONE MORE TIME, DAMON WILLIAMS.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

FUCKED UP THAT Y'ALL ARE LAUGHING AT THE RETARDED PEOPLE.

THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT.

WHITE FOLK, IF THEY GOT A CHILD THAT'S KIND OF SLOW,

THEY'LL SEND THEM TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL.

BLACK FOLK WON'T EVEN ADMIT THEIR CHILD GOT NO PROBLEM.

"GET YOUR CRAZY ASS IN THIS HOUSE.

"THERE AIN'T SHIT WRONG WITH THAT BOY.

HE ALWAYS WEARS A FOOTBALL HELMET AND COWBOY BOOTS, YOU KNOW?"

MOTHERFUCKER 35 YEARS OLD WITH SPIDERMAN UNDERWEAR ON

STANDING IN THE SCREEN DOOR EATING GRAHAM CRACKERS.

"THESE ARE SO GOOD."

ALL RIGHT. FROM THE MOTOR CITY,

PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR SEAN LARKINS.

- YOU EVER HAVE ON YOUR FLYEST OUTFIT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT--

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU CLEAN AS A NEW NAPKIN.

YOU LOOKING GOOD AS SHIT.

YOU GET TO THE CLUB, AIN'T NOBODY THERE.

YOU LIKE, "MAN, I'M WEARING THIS SHIT TOMORROW.

FUCK THAT."

ON SOME SERIOUS SHIT, THOUGH, MAN,

TWO YEARS AGO, THIS COUNTRY HAD ONE OF THE WORST NATURAL DISASTERS WE HAD.

HURRICANE KATRINA CAME THROUGH,

FUCKED LOUISIANA UP, MISSISSIPPI UP,

AND I WAS LIKE THE REST OF Y'ALL.

I WAS WATCHING THIS SHIT ON THE NEWS.

WATCHED PEOPLE LOSE THEY LIVES.

I SAW PEOPLE ON ROOFTOPS

DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEIR MAMA AND DADDY WAS,

KIDS WAS, AND I SHED A TEAR.

IN ATLANTA-- THAT'S WHERE I STAY NOW--

WE HAD 20,000 PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN SHELTERS,

AND I WAS LIKE, "IF I DON'T GO DOWN TO THIS SHELTER AND HELP SOMEBODY,

"IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING, DONATE TIME, MONEY, OR SOMETHING,

"I'M JUST AS GUILTY AS THE GOVERNMENT

I'M BITCHING ABOUT THAT DIDN'T HELP, ALL RIGHT?"

I'M RIGHT.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, AND I PRAYED ABOUT IT,

SAID, "GOD, WHAT CAN I DO?"

SO, I SAID, "I GOT A EXTRA BEDROOM IN MY APARTMENT.

THERE'S NO REASON SOMEBODY FROM THIS SHELTER CAN'T STAY DOWN THERE."

SO, I WENT DOWN TO THAT SHELTER THAT DAY,

AND I FOUND TWO OF THE SEXIEST 19-YEAR-OLDS IN THAT GODDAMN SHELTER.

I WAS PUSHING KIDS AND OLD LADIES.

"EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. Y'ALL TWO, LET'S GO.

"YOU'RE OUTTA HERE. LET'S GO. C'MON.

C'MON. THIS IS YOUR LAST DAY. C'MON, SHIT."

'CAUSE I HELP PEOPLE. THAT'S WHAT I DO. I HELP PEOPLE.

AND I TOOK THEM HOME, AND MY GIRLFRIEND,

THIS BITCH DON'T UNDERSTAND. SHE DON'T GET IT.

SHE COME OUT, "WHO THE FUCK IS THESE HOS?"

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, THESE ARE NOT HOS.

"THESE ARE EVACUEES.

I'M TRYING TO HELP SOME-GODDAMN-BODY."

SHE SAID, "WHY THE HELL THEY DRESSED LIKE THAT?"

"THEY LOST ALL THEIR CLOTHES IN THE STORM,

"AND I WENT TO VICTORIA SECRETS

AND GOT THEM SOME ESSENTIALS, OK?"

I SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING WITH NO 19-YEAR-OLDS, NO WAY.

I'M 37, AND I THINK IF YOU IN YOUR 30s,

YOU NEED TO DATE MOTHERFUCKERS IN YOUR 30s

'CAUSE I WAS DATING A 22-YEAR-OLD LAST YEAR.

THIS BITCH AGED ME 10 YEARS.

SHE WANNA FUCK EVERY DAY ALL DAY--

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

I BE FEELING LIKE THE BITCH IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

LIKE, "CAN WE JUST CUDDLE TONIGHT, PLEASE?

COULD YOU JUST HOLD ME ONE EVENING?"

NOT THIS BITCH. EVERY DAY, "C'MON, GET UP.

"GET THAT DICK HARD. LET'S GO.

"I'M COMING HOME FOR LUNCH. C'MON. GET IT UP.

ONE MORE TIME BEFORE BED. C'MON."

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, BITCH, YOU CAN CHEAT.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK NO MORE. YOU CAN CHEAT. GO ON, SHIT.

DAMN SIDE HURT, ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING."

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCK NO MORE.

IF I COULD JUST GET HEAD THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I'LL BE A HAPPY MOTHERFUCKER.

FELLAS, DON'T YOU LOVE HEAD?

WHEW, MAMASITA, YES.

WHEW, ME, I LOVE HEAD.

LADIES, IF YOU'RE SUCKING DICK, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.

LADIES, HELLO, LADIES.

ONE LADY, TWO LADIES. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S RIGHT. JUST TWO LADIES SUCKING DICK.

Y'ALL SUCKING DICK IN THIS SECTION, Y'ALL?

"SHIT, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS GOING TO BE TEST.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?"

MA'AM, YOU DO THAT, WITH THE GLASSES?

YOU DO THAT SUCKING? YOU DO THAT?

YOU LEAVE THE GLASSES ON, OR YOU TAKE GLASSES OFF?

CAN YOU SEE HER SUCKING DICK WITH HER GLASSES ON? JUST--

I'M JUST SERIOUS, ANYWAY.

SISTERS GIVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT SOME HEAD.

WHITE GIRLS DON'T BULLSHIT. THEY DON'T.

YOU ASK A SISTER FOR SOME HEAD, "BABY, YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME HEAD?"

"UGH.

"HERE YOU GO WITH THIS HEAD SHIT.

EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT, HEAD, HEAD, HEAD."

NOT THE WHITE GIRLS. YOU AIN'T GOT TO ASK THEM TWICE.

I HAD A WHITE GIRL GIVE ME SOME HEAD SO GOOD,

BITCH HAD ME TALKING LIKE A WHITE DUDE.

SIR, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"

"SUCK MY FUCKING COCK."

SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU, NIGGER?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY TO ME, BITCH?

I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS LATER."

SUCK A DICK TONIGHT. COME BACK IN TWO WEEKS AND TESTIFY.

I'M TELLING YOU, HER LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A WEIGHT WATCHERS COMMERCIAL.

SHE BE LIKE, "BEFORE I SUCKED DICK, I HAD NOTHING."

SHE BE LIKE, "BEFORE I SUCKED DICK, I HAD NOTHING."

UM...

"I'VE ONLY BEEN SUCKING DICK FOR TWO WEEKS,

AND I WAS ABLE TO PURCHASE A NEW HOME, A NEW CAR..."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

HEY, THANK Y'ALL. REST IN PEACE, BIRDMAN.

I'LL SEE Y'ALL LATER.

- FROM ST. LOUIS, THE LOVELY B-PHLAT.

- WHAT'S UP L.A., HOW Y'ALL DOING?

DAMN RIGHT.

I HEARD D.L. TALKING ABOUT TITTIES, DAMN RIGHT.

THEY ALL MINE. [INDISTINCT]

SHIT, I AM HAPPY TO BE UP IN HERE.

I COULD HAVE BEEN IN IRAQ, BUT I WAS LIKE, HELL NO,

I'M NOT LEAVING THE COUNTRY.

I'D RATHER BE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER,

ENTERTAINING Y'ALL.

THE LADY CALLED ME FROM THE U.S.O.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT BITCH GOT MY PHONE NUMBER.

I WAS LIKE, "BITCH, WHY IS YOU CALLING ME?"

SHE TALKING ABOUT, "YOU NEED TO GO ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS."

I WAS LIKE, "HELL NO, I'M NOT LEAVING THE COUNTRY.

"Y'ALL AIN'T GOT SOMETHING ELSE FOR ME TO DO?

"Y'ALL CAN'T PUT SOME SAND IN THE BACKGROUND,

"PUT A HELMET ON THE BITCH, LET ME TAP DANCE?

DO THE SHIT VIA SATELLITE?"

I'M LIKE, "BITCH, I'M NOT LEAVING."

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. THAT'S THAT WEED.

THAT'S THAT WEED.

SHIT, I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I GOTS TO SMOKE.

I GOTS TO SMOKE WEED.

I SWEAR TO GOD, MY EX-FIANCE USED TO SAY STUPID SHIT TO ME.

SILLY SHIT.

"WHY YOU SMOKE WEED AROUND MY MAMA?"

"YOUR MAMA GAVE ME THIS WEED.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?"

THAT'S WHY I SMOKE.

I TOLD HIS ASS I DON'T MAKE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

I TOLD HIM THAT. I TELL NIGGAS ALL THE TIME I'M NOT SHIT.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M CUTE THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT.

I KNOW I AIN'T SHIT.

I TELL NIGGAS ALL THE TIME, I GOT TO HAVE 2 OR 3,

4 OR 5 MEN, I SWEAR TO GOD.

THEY ALL SERVE A PURPOSE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

MY COME OVER NIGGA. EVERYBODY GOT A COME OVER NIGGA.

THAT'S THE NIGGA THAT BRINGS THE WEED, THE WINE, AND THE MOVIE.

HE HAD ME ALL FUCKED UP, HE DID.

HE HAD ME FUCKED UP, THE COME OVER NIGGA, THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'D CALL ME, TALKIN' ABOUT,

"WHAT YOU DOING? I'M ABOUT TO COME OVER."

I SAID, "OH, NO, YOU NOT. I'M ABOUT TO GO OUT ON A DATE."

SO HE GONNA GET MAD, TALKIN' ABOUT, "WHAT?

"YOU GOING ON A DATE?

FUCK THAT. I THOUGHT WE WAS DATING."

THIS NIGGA THINK BECAUSE HE COME OVER THE MOST, HE DATING ME.

NO, NIGGA, A DATE IS WHEN YOU LEAVE OUT THE HOUSE

AND GET OFF MY BLOCK, NIGGA.

THAT'S A DATE.

RIGHT.

SO, HE GONNA GET MAD AND START CUSSING ME OUT,

TALKIN' ABOUT, "FUCK THAT, FUCK THAT.

"I DON'T APPRECIATE NO SHIT LIKE THIS.

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS.

"THIS IS FUCKED UP.

"I THOUGHT WE WAS DATING.

"YOU AIN'T NEVER ASKED ME TO TAKE YOU NOWHERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU LIKE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU INTO."

I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I LIKE,

"FOLLOW ME AND THIS OTHER NIGGA, SEE WHERE WE GOING...

THEN YOU'LL KNOW--THEN YOU'LL WHAT THE FUCK I LIKE."

[INDISTINCT]

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE."

I AIN'T SHIT.

I DON'T MAKE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

I KNOW I DON'T MAKE A GOOD STEPMOMMA.

I TRIED THAT. I TRIED THAT SHIT.

MY STEPDAUGHTER HAD ME ALL FUCKED UP.

SHE'D COME CALLING ME TALKIN' ABOUT,

"CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK?

"CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE MALL? CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?"

I SAID, "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. ALL I DO IS FUCK YOUR DADDY.

I'M THE STEPMOM, BITCH."

OBVIOUSLY, SHE DON'T--SHE--

SHE DON'T KNOW WHAT "STEP" MEAN IN "STEPMOMMA."

IT MEANS, STEP DOWN, STEP BACK, STEP OUT THE WAY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M BUSY, I'M STEPPING IN WITH YOUR DADDY.

YOU'RE GETTING ON MY NERVE, BITCH.

I TELL BROTHERS ALL THE TIME, YOU AIN'T GOT TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I'M GONNA TREAT YOUR KIDS

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MEET YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' KIDS.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE, I AIN'T GOT NO KIDS.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS. SEE, I'M NOT SENSITIVE TO ISSUES LIKE THAT

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE NO CHILDREN.

I DON'T HAVE NO HUSBAND.

I'M OLD SCHOOL, AND BELIEVE ME, LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

I COME FROM A FAMILY WHERE YOU GOTS TO BE MARRIED.

MY MAMA ALWAYS KEPT A DADDY FOR US.

FUCK THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

SHIT, I'M TRYING TO GET ME A DAMN HUSBAND.

DON'T LET THE SMOOTH CUT FOOL YOU.

DON'T LET THE SMOOTH CUT FOOL YOU. FUCK THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME.

I REALLY DON'T. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVER GONNA HAVE KIDS.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVER GONNA GET A DAMN HUSBAND.

I'M ABOUT TIRED OF NIGGAS ON THE DL.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY'S ON THE DL,

BUT IT'S A LOT OF NIGGAS OUT HERE THAT'S A LITTLE SUSPECT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU COMING OUT THE CLOSET.

COME OUT THE CLOSET.

WHY YOU GOT TO COME OUT THE HOUSE, I DON'T KNOW.

JUST STAY IN THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' ROOM.

COME OUT THE CLOSET, BE YOURSELF.

I DON'T LIKE NIGGAS STRADDLING THE FENCE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING YOU DO.

I SWEAR TO GOD, A NIGGA GOT 2 TIMES TO RUN OUT THE HOUSE

WITH MY HOUSE SHOES ON TO GET THE NEWSPAPER.

IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, LADIES, IF YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT A MAN,

TAKE A SHOWER WITH HIM.

THAT'S GONNA LET YOU KNOW RIGHT THEN AND THERE

IF A BROTHER FLIPPITY-FLOPPITY.

FOR REAL, FLIPPITY-FLOPPITY,

FUCK IT. THAT'S GONNA LET YOU KNOW.

A REAL MAN, HE'S GONNA LET YOU WASH HIM

FROM HEAD TO TOE IN THE FRONT.

THE WATER HITTING HIS BACK, YOU IN THE FRONT OF HIM,

YOU GOT THE LITTLE RAG LATHERED UP, YOU HOOKING HIM UP.

YOU DOWN HERE DOING HIS SHINS AND HIS KNEECAPS,

YOU GET RIGHT HERE, THEY DO LIKE THIS,

TRY TO SMACK YOU IN THE FOREHEAD.

YOU EVER HAD THAT? YOU GET SOME SOAP IN YOUR EYE.

HE'S LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH."

"I WAS JUST PLAYING. I WAS JUST PLAYING."

YOU AIN'T NEVER HAD THAT HAPPEN?

NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU GOT THE RAG, RIGHT.

YOU'RE DOING HIS CHEST.

YOU BACK HERE, YOU DONE FLIPPED AROUND, YOU DOING HIS BACK.

YOU GET TOO CLOSE TO HIS ASSHOLE,

A REAL MAN, HE GONNA SNATCH THE RAG.

AM I RIGHT OR WRONG?

JUST LIKE THIS, HE GONNA DO JUST LIKE THAT,

AND HE AIN'T GONNA LET YOU SEE HIM GET UP IN HIS ASS,

AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF A NIGGA PUT HIS LEG UP ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB,

DID SOME SHIT LIKE THIS?

YOU BE LIKE, "OH, THIS NIGGA PUT HIS LEG UP REAL HIGH ON SATURDAY.

"OH, NO, HE AIN'T GOT NO BOOTY HAIRS.

HE AIN'T GOT NO BOOTY HAIRS."

Y'ALL, THAT'S MY TIME.

I'M B-PHLAT. I HOPE Y'ALL ENJOYED THE SHOW.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- NOW, THIS CAT CALLS HIMSELF A NEIGHBORHOOD GEEK

AND A FAILED BASKETBALL STAR.

FORMERLY FROM PHILLY, PUT THEM UP FOR TURAE.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- WHAT UP, L.A.?

OR SHOULD I SAY DOWNTOWN L.A.

THIS IS--I SEE WHERE Y'ALL HIDE YOUR CRACKHEADS.

THAT SHIT WAS AMAZING FOR ME.

BEING FROM THE EAST COAST, Y'ALL DON'T DO THE THING

WHERE Y'ALL HIDE YOUR CRACKHEADS LIKE WE DO.

WE DISTINGUISH OUR CRACKHEADS.

WE MAKE THEM WEAR CRACKHEAD UNIFORMS, YOU KNOW,

LIKE ONE FLIP-FLOP, ONE TIMBERLAND, YOU KNOW.

THAT WAY WE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE DEALING WITH, YOU KNOW.

Y'ALL LET Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKIN' CRACKHEADS BLEND IN.

LIKE VENICE BEACH. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DEALING WITH.

YOU EVER BEEN TO VENICE BEACH? OPEN AIR MARKET,

A LOT OF PEOPLE DOING THINGS, SELLING SHIT,

SETTING THEMSELVES ON FIRE FOR A DOLLAR, EVERYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM AND THE REGULAR CRACKHEADS.

NIGGA CAME UP TO ME LIKE, "YO, YOU LIKE MUSIC?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I LIKE RAP MUSIC. EAST COAST, NIGGA, WHAT?"

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO START SOME SHIT.

HE WAS LIKE, "NAW, THAT'S OVER." I WAS LIKE, "OH, OK,

I'M AN ARTIST. WHAT YOU GOT?"

HE HAD ONE OF THEM LITTLE 3-RING BINDERS WITH THE MIX CDs IN IT.

I WAS LIKE, "LET ME SEE." HE STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH IT.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU SEE SOMETHING, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE."

I SAID, "WELL, STOP RIGHT THERE, I LIKE THAT.

JAY Z, "BIG PIMPIN.'" GIVE ME THAT."

HE'S LIKE, "THAT RIGHT THERE?" I SAID, "THAT RIGHT HERE."

THIS NIGGA SLAMMED THE BOOK SHUT, STEPPED BACK...

[IMITATES SONG STARTING]

MY FRIENDS WALKED THE FUCK OFF. I SAID, "HOLD UP.

I GOT 3 MORE SONGS IN THIS NIGGA."

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP ABOUT THAT JOKE

IS THAT WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH, LIKE CRACK, HA HA.

AIN'T NOTHING FUCKIN' FUNNY ABOUT CRACK.

THAT'S AN EPIDEMIC THAT AFFECTS ALL OUR PEOPLE,

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY WE LAUGH? 'CAUSE IT'S COMMON.

EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOU ARE,

HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE, OR WHERE YOU LIVE,

EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM DONE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A CRACKHEAD.

AND KEEP IT REAL, YOU'VE ALL WALKED AWAY FROM THAT CONVERSATION

THINKING THE SAME WAY.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING TALKING TO THAT CRACKHEAD?

I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THAT. I CAN'T DO CRACK.

I GOT TO DO CERTAIN SHIT TO CALM ME DOWN, LIKE WEED.

WHEN YOU GET OLD, YOU GOT TO KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS.

I KNOW I DON'T LOOK OLD, BUT I'M GETTING OLDER.

I'M GETTING TO THAT POINT WHERE I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS.

A LOT OF NIGGAS DON'T KNOW THEIR LIMITATIONS.

YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR CERTAIN SHIT.

YOU OVER 30, TOO OLD TO BE OUT HERE FUCKIN' FIST FIGHTING.

A LOT OF NIGGAS IN HERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY,

LIKE "WHAT? I'MA HOLD IT DOWN."

I FEEL YOU. YOU AIN'T THE SAME.

YOU'RE NOT BUILT THE SAME WAY.

SIR, I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

AT 16, YOU WAS A KILLER.

YOU AIN'T NEED A REASON. "WHAT?"

YOU START A FIGHT BY YOURSELF.

IT WAS HOT, HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR MAMA.

FUCK THAT.

YOU WERE 16, YOU TAKE A CLEAN PUNCH IN THE FACE

AND BE IN THE HOUSE TALKIN' SHIT LIKE,

"WE GONNA GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER LATER.

HE NEED TO KNOW WHO HE DEALING WITH."

THAT'S 'CAUSE AT 16, YOUR EYE WOULD BE HEALED LATER.

GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE AT 34,

YOU GONNA MISS A COUPLE DAYS AT WORK,

YOU NEED AN MRI, YOUR KIDS CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU.

"DON'T JUMP ON DADDY LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW MY EYE IS FUCKED UP."

THE SWELLING DON'T GO DOWN FOR LIKE 8 MONTHS.

YOUR FRIENDS LIKE, "SHIT'S STILL FUCKED UP?"

"YO, I MUST BE ALLERGIC TO FISTS."

I'M NOT NO THUG. I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS.

I GOT CHASED THE FUCK HOME THE OTHER DAY.

34 YEARS OLD AND ALL. I'M IN THE HOUSE, LIKE...

[BREATHING HEAVY]

"YO, THEM NIGGAS WERE SERIOUS, YO."

BUT I START TEARING UP BECAUSE I GET EMOTIONAL, YO.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS GONNA LAUGH LIKE, "AH, YOU SCARED."

YEAH, I WAS FUCKIN' SCARED.

HE SAID HE HAD A GUN. HE WAS GONNA KILL EVERYBODY.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU WASN'T SCARED?

I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS.

TRYING TO BE OUT HERE FUCKIN' AROUND.

I SEE YOU LADIES LOOKING.

YES, I AM 6' 6", 230, AND I DO LOOK LIKE I CAN PROTECT YOU,

BUT I'M NOT THE PROTECTING TYPE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT SHIT ABOUT ME UPFRONT

'CAUSE WE LIABLE TO BE ON A DATE

AND I'M LIABLE TO DO SOME SURPRISING SHIT LIKE RUN.

LAST CHICK DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

SHE GONNA GET TO THE CAR OUT OF BREATH LIKE,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME."

I'M LIKE, "BITCH, I TAPPED YOU 3 TIMES

LIKE LET'S GO, LET'S GO."

THAT NIGGA WAS SERIOUS.

I HAD TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE.

I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU.

I AIN'T NO THUG.

I DON'T WANT TO BE NO GODDAMN THUG.

THESE KIDS OUT HERE, IT'S CRAZY,

THEY GOT T-SHIRTS AND SHIT WITH SLOGANS ON THEM:

"STOP SNITCHING." "SNITCHES GET STITCHES."

WHAT? I'M GONNA GET MY OWN FUCKIN' T-SHIRT.

"STOP SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEN I WON'T HAVE TO SNITCH." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A BIG SELLER.

'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND ME.

MAYBE I NEED TO TELL YOU UPFRONT ABOUT ME.

MY NAME IS TURAE, AND I'M A SNITCH.

EVERYBODY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER NOW?

YOU KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER'S AT?

YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM. I TOLD YOU UPFRONT.

MY MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME YOU CAN'T NEVER BLAME A MAN

FOR BEING WHO THE FUCK HE IS.

I TOLD YOU WHO I AM. NOW IT'S YOUR JOB

NOT TO TAKE ME EVERY-FUCKIN-WHERE.

YOU GOING OUT TO HAVE SOME DRINKS,

I'M THE NIGGA TO ROLL WITH.

I LIKE DRINKING.

YOU GOING OUT TO KILL SOMEBODY,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK HOME

'CAUSE I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW ABOUT MY REACTION,

THAT I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL WITH YOU.

YOU EVER SEEN "CSI" OR "NYPD BLUE"?

THEY GOT THE GUY IN THE ROOM, SLAPPING HIM AROUND,

"YOU GONNA TELL US."

YOU AIN'T GOT TO DO NONE OF THAT SHIT WITH ME.

SOON AS THEY OPEN THE DOOR, I'LL BE LIKE, "GET YOUR KEYS.

WE CAN GO TO HIS HOUSE."

WE GET ON YOUR LAWN, I'LL BE LIKE, "LET ME KNOCK, LET ME KNOCK."

[IMITATES A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]

"COME ON OUT, HAKEEM, THEY GOT US.

"SOMEBODY MUST HAVE TIPPED THEM OFF.

BITCH-ASS PIGS."

KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS.

EVE THOUGH I'M BIG, I'M NOT A THICK DUDE.

I'M SKINNY.

YOU GOT TO KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS WHEN YOU'RE SKINNY.

YOU CAN'T BE OUT HERE WITH NO FUCKING TANK TOP ON.

YOU SEE THESE GUYS, ALL THEY WEAR IS A TANK TOP?

THEY BE OUT CHILLIN'.

I DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU CALL A TANK TOP BODY.

I GOTTA PUT MY TANK TOP ON OVER TOP OF SOMETHING,

LIKE A HOODIE OR A SWEATER.

I'M JUST SAYING, AIN'T NOTHING SEXY WHEN YOUR TANK TOP

IS SLIDING OFF YOUR SHOULDER LIKE A NEGLIGEE.

YO, MY NAME IS TURAE, MAN.

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. I'LL HOLLA AT YA.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- THAT'S A FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S A FUNNY DUDE.

RIGHT, HE'S A TELLING MOTHERFUCKER.

I WILL, TOO. FUCK IT. HA.

ALL RIGHT. Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?

- YEAH.

- Y'ALL DIDN'T HEAR ME. DID Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?

- YEAH. - STAND UP AND LET THEM KNOW IT.

STAND UP AND LET THEM KNOW IT THEN.

AND PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MAN

THAT MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE-- RUSSELL SIMMONS.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS AND GOOD NIGHT.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

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