Original subtitles

- I'VE BEEN WATCHING TV A LOT, Y'ALL.

IT'S TRIPPING ME OUT.

EVERYBODY HERE SEEN

THOSE EARLY PREGNANCY TEST COMMERCIALS?

YOU NOTICE THEY ONLY GOT WHITE PEOPLE IN THEM?

AND EVERYBODY IN THE COMMERCIAL IS HAPPY?

THE GIRL COME OUT THE BATHROOM...

"HONEY...

GUESS WHAT."

AND HE'S SITTING ON THE COUCH. "WHAT, BABE?

WE'RE POSITIVE. FUCKIN' A."

[APPLAUSE]

HA. THAT SHIT AIN'T REAL.

I WANT TO SEE A SISTER...

EVERY BROTHER HERE WANTS TO JUST SEE ONE SISTER

GOING IN THE BATHROOM. SHE BE IN THERE,

AND THEY JUST BE LIKE, "DAMN."

[EXHALES]

"GUESS WHAT.

YOUR ASS NEED A JOB."

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- IT'S THE RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM

WITH YOUR HOST...

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

MALIK S.,

DAVID RAIBON,

B. COLE...

AND GERALD KELLY.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ...

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- GIVE ME SOME!

YEAH.

GIVE IT TO MY MAN, KID CAPRI.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HOW Y'ALL DOING?

- WHAT'S UP, MY LEGEND?

- SO ALL THEM SONGS YOU MIX YOURSELF, HUH?

- ALL THESE BEATS, WE DO THE NIGHT BEFORE.

WE USED TO PLAY A LOT OF THE DEF JAM RECORDS.

THEY LET ME PLAY MY OWN BEATS NOW...

- SEE, THERE IT IS. ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO MY MAN, KID CAPRI.

- YO. WHAT'S UP.

[APPLAUSE]

- WE STARTED THIS SHIT A LONG TIME AGO, MAN.

HIP HOP DONE CHANGED SINCE THEN, MAN.

NOW EVERY TIME--I MEAN, AND I'M NOT KNOCKING NOBODY.

PEOPLE GO, "OH, YOU SHOULDN'T BUY THAT ALBUM.

IT'S DENIGRATING YOUR PEOPLE."

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BUY THE FUCKING ALBUM,

DON'T BUY IT, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT NOW. ALL KIND OF SHIT IS GOING ON.

MICHAEL VICK IS IN A WORLD OF FUCKING TROUBLE, MAN.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

AND THIS IS THE TRUTH.

PEOPLE WITH SHIT TO LOSE CAN'T HANG OUT WITH MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DON'T GOT SHIT TO LOSE,

BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T GOT SHIT TO LOSE WILL LOSE YOUR SHIT FOR YOU.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

[APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE TRYING TO KEEP IT REAL. I'M TRYING TO REALLY KEEP IT. FUCK THAT SHIT.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T GOT SHIT TO LOSE WILL TELL ON YOUR ASS.

"YOU HAVE A LAWYER?"

"NO. BUT I GOT SOME INFORMATION FOR THE D.A.

FUCK THIS SHIT. I'M--"

WHITE FOLKS LOVE DOGS, MAN.

MAN, YOU BETTER OFF KILLING A PERSON THAN A FUCKING DOG.

WHITE FOLKS LOVE DOGS.

WALKING WITHOUT A LEASH, THEY DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET AWAY.

IF BLACK FOLKS OPEN THE GATE,

WE AIN'T GOT NO DOG NO MORE. FUCK THAT SHIT.

YOU EVER SEEN A HOMELESS DUDE WITH A DOG.

AIN'T THAT THE MOST PATHETIC SHIT EVER?

YOU KNOW, THE DOG, MAN,

"THE MOTHERFUCKER, I COULD HAVE DONE THIS SHIT ALL BY GODDAMN SELF.

"THIS IS THE LONGEST WALK IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

"I WISH I COULD TALK FOR 5 MINUTES

SO I CAN TELL YOU YOU AIN'T SHIT."

THAT'S...

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE, DOGS IS ONLY--

LIKE, I HAVE 5 DOGS. BUT THAT SHIT IS COOL IN AMERICA.

AROUND THE REST OF THE WORLD,

THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT DOGS LIKE WE DO.

IN CHINA, DOGS IS FOOD. FUCK THAT SHIT.

YOU NEVER SEE NO CHINESE PEOPLE WALKING NO DOGS

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WALK FOOD.

YOU DON'T NEVER GO TO INGLEWOOD AND SEE A BLACK MAN WALKING A CHICKEN, WILL YOU?

"COME ON, TWO PIECE!"

Y'ALL READY TO GET THIS THING GOING?

[CHEERING]

INDEED. THIS CAT HERE, HIS MATERIAL IS BASED ON EVERYDAY LIFE,

BUT THIS COMIC IS ANYTHING BUT EVERYDAY.

FROM MIAMI, MY MAN, MALIK S.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD. MY PASTOR LOVE THAT SONG RIGHT THERE, NIGGER.

FUCK Y'ALL. DON'T JUDGE MY PASTOR.

AT LEAST I GO TO CHURCH. SOME OF Y'ALL DON'T EVEN GO.

WATCH THIS. GOD IS GOOD.

- ALL THE TIME.

- AND ALL THE TIME.

- GOD IS GOOD.

- LOOK AT THE NIGGERS THAT DON'T GO. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THEY CONFUSED AS HELL.

"I DIDN'T KNOW TO SAY THAT TOGETHER, DAWG."

I DID THAT AT AN ALL-WHITE SHOW ONE TIME.

I WAS LIKE, "GOD IS GOOD."

THEY WAS LIKE, "HE WAS AWESOME!"

I WAS LIKE, "THAT AIN'T WHAT YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY."

OH. I FEEL GOOD. THOUGH, MAN, I KNOW I'M IN L.A.

I KNOW YOU ALL WHUP ASS OUT HERE.

SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY, UH, IF I SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU TONIGHT,

I'M JUST BULLSHITTING. SHIT AIN'T FUNNY OUTSIDE.

YOU RUN UP ON ME AFTER THE SHOW, YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

I WILL PRESS CHARGES ON YOUR ASS.

I WANTED TO PUT IT OUT THERE.

BECAUSE, NIGGER, I AIN'T EVEN FROM L.A.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO RUN.

I MIGHT RUN STRAIGHT TO YOUR DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD.

I DON'T WANT NO PROBLEMS, SEE?

THIS IS NOT THUG LIFE RIGHT HERE.

I AM NOT NO FIGHTER.

THAT'S WHY I LET THE LADIES KNOW,

"YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY THAT'S GONNA DEFEND YOUR HONOR, BITCH,

CALL YOUR BROTHERS. THEY KNOW YOU LONGER THAN I DID. YEAH."

THIS IS NOT THUG LIFE RIGHT HERE.

I WANTED TO BE A THUG, BUT I'M TICKLISH.

YOU CAN'T BE NO THUG IF YOU'RE TICKLISH.

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU GONNA BE A THUG

IF YOU'RE AROUND HERE GIGGLING AND SHIT, YOU KNOW.

AND I WEAR MY SEATBELT.

YOU DON'T LOOK GANGSTER WITH YOUR SEATBELT ON, NIGGER.

HOW YOU READY TO DIE AND YOU SAFE?

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?

THIS IS NOT THUG LIFE, NIGGER.

THAT'S WHY I LET THE LADIES KNOW,

"IF I'M IN A CLUB WITH YOU AND A MAN TOUCH YOUR ASS,

A MAN JUST TOUCHED YOUR ASS. THAT'S ALL IT IS."

I BE LIKE, "GIRL, TAKE IT. THAT'S A COMPLIMENT. SHIT.

"HE TOUCHED MY ASS, TOO. I AIN'T SAY NOTHING

BUT, "THANK YOU, JAMES. GET WALKING, BITCH.

THAT MEAN HE LIKE US. GET TWO DRINKS. SHIT."

THIS IS NOT THUG LIFE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T BREAK THE LAW.

THIS IS NOT JAIL PHYSIQUE RIGHT HERE.

YOU WON'T GO TO JAIL WEIGHING 140 WITH LONG HAIR.

THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK OUT IN YOUR FAVOR, YOU KNOW?

IF I GO TO JAIL, AS SOON AS I WALK IN THERE,

I'M STRAIGHT SOMEBODY'S GIRLFRIEND.

I AIN'T LOOKING FOR NO COMMITMENT RIGHT NOW.

I AIN'T READY FOR NO STEADY RELATIONSHIP.

SOON AS I WALK IN THERE, SOMEBODY TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME ALREADY.

I'M LIKE, "DAMN. PLEASE SLOW DOWN.

"LET ME SEE WHO ELSE IN THIS, BITCH.

"WHY YOU RUSHING? GOD DAMN. SHIT!

"NIGGER, I JUST GOT IN HERE. BUY ME SOME CIGARETTES.

I AIN'T EASY. SHIT."

NIGGER, I GO TO JAIL, I'LL DOO-DOOING JUST WALK AROUND.

I'LL NEVER WASH MY ASS.

I'LL BE LIKE, "YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME,

YOU GOT TO BEAT THESE FLIES THEY HAVE BEEN BUZZING ALL IN HERE."

I'D RATHER BE STANKING THAN SOMEBODY'S BITCH.

FORGET THAT, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I COULD TAKE A SHOWER AND NOT BE STANKING NO MORE.

BUT, FELLAS, ONCE THEY GO UP IN YOU,

YOU ARE GAY FOREVER, AND I'M TOO SMALL TO BE IN A GAY RELATIONSHIP.

IF I WAS IN A GAY RELATIONSHIP,

I WOULD HAVE TO BE THE BITCH IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THE BITCH ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIME WE GOING OUT, I GOT TO IRON TWO PAIRS OF JEANS.

I DON'T WANT TO IRON ALL THESE DAMN JEANS.

BUT IF THERE'S ANY GAY DUDES IN HERE,

I'M JUST BULLSHITTING. SHIT AIN'T FUNNY OUTSIDE.

I'M JUST PLAYING WITH Y'ALL.

I DON'T WANT TO GET BEAT UP BY NO STRONG-ASS PUNK, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE IF A PUNK WHUP YOUR ASS, Y'ALL GO TOGETHER.

THOSE ARE THE RULES.

THEY BE LIKE, "HOW Y'ALL MET?"

"HE BUSTED ME IN THE FACE. WE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE."

I AIN'T WITH THE GAY STUFF.

I LOVE WOMEN TOO MUCH TO BE GAY, MAN.

BUT IT'S A NEW WORLD WE LIVING IN, FELLAS.

YOU CAN'T JUST BE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN BECAUSE THEY BEAUTIFUL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO USE PROTECTION? YOU BETTER PROTECT YOUR DAMN SELF.

IT AIN'T WORTH DYING FOR NO 15 MINUTES OF PLEASURE, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THEY GOT A LOT OF DISEASES OUT HERE.

I WAS JUST READING A HEALTH MAGAZINE.

THEY GOT A BRAND-NEW STD CALLED CHILD SUPPORT.

I WAS LIKE, OOH! JEEZ.

OOH, NIGGER. I'D RATHER CATCH HERPES THAN CHILD SUPPORT.

I'LL LIVE WITH THAT, YOU KNOW?

HERPES DON'T LOOK THAT BAD.

THEY BE SWIMMING AND JOGGING.

THEY BE HAVING A GOOD-ASS TIME.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN A MAN ON CHILD SUPPORT SWIMMING. HE AIN'T HAPPY.

YOU DON'T WORK 40 HOURS, YOUR CHECK--NEGATIVE $8, YOUR ASS AIN'T HAPPY.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LET NO WOMAN FOOL ME FIRST.

THEY BE LIKE, "OH, YOU DON'T NEED NO CONDOM

BECAUSE I'M ON THE PILL."

I BE LIKE, "WELL, GIVE ME ONE, TOO.

YOURS MIGHT NOT DISSOLVE ON TIME."

I'LL USE ANYTHING FOR A RUBBER-- M&M BAG, DORITO BAG.

I'LL BE IN YOUR ASS, CRUNCHING.

[IMITATING CRUNCH NOISE]

YOU MIGHT BE BLEEDING, BUT YOU WON'T BE PREGNANT.

THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

BECAUSE IF YOU BUST AN M&M BAG,

YOU SHOULD BE ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL. GOD.

BUT THIS IS NICE, MAN.

I LIKE THIS, MAN. WE ALL MIXED UP IN HERE.

THIS BEAUTIFUL. WE GOT WHITE PEOPLE IN HERE, BLACK PEOPLE IN HERE.

BECAUSE WE GOT TOO MANY STEREOTYPES IN THIS COUNTRY.

THEY GOT STEREOTYPES LIKE, IF A WHITE BOY RAP,

HE'S TRYING TO BE BLACK.

IF A BLACK MAN WORK, HE TRYING TO BE WHITE.

WE NEED TO STOP ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW, TO HATE SOMEBODY BECAUSE OF THEIR SKIN COLOR IS IGNORANT, PEOPLE.

BECAUSE WE GOT A NEW RACISM IN THIS COUNTRY.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BLACK OR WHITE NO MORE.

IT'S CALLED POOR PEOPLE.

DON'T MATTER WHAT COLOR YOUR ASS IS IN AMERICA,

IF YOU POOR, AMERICA DON'T LIKE YOUR ASS.

BACK IN THE DAY, BEING WHITE WAS THE SHIT.

WHITE PEOPLE, I REMEMBER Y'ALL, I REMEMBER WHEN Y'ALL WAS IN STYLE.

IT WAS ALL ABOUT Y'ALL, YOU KNOW?

BUT NOW BEING WHITE AIN'T SHIT.

IF YOU WHITE AND YOU POOR, SHIT, YOUR ASS IS BLACK. YOU JUST LIKE ME.

WE'RE THE SAME THING.

YOU JUST GOT GOOD HAIR. THAT IS IT, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE IN THIS COUNTRY, IF YOU GOT MONEY,

YOU COULD DO CRIMES AND WON'T EVEN GO TO JAIL,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY,

BUT YOU GOT TO KNOW YOUR MONEY TO KNOW YOUR CRIME.

DON'T LET YOUR CRIME OUTWEIGH YOUR MONEY.

YOUR ASS GOING TO JAIL.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW, I GOT RED-LIGHT MONEY.

I COULD RUN A RED LIGHT, AIN'T SHIT GONNA HAPPEN TO ME.

I GOT THAT COVERED, YOU KNOW?

I'M TRYING TO WORK MY WAY UP TO HIT AND RUN,

BUT I GOT RED-LIGHT MONEY RIGHT NOW. YEAH...

LIKE, MY BABY MAMA, I HATE MY BABY MAMA.

I WANT TO CHOKE HER AND SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF HER ASS,

BUT I CAN'T AFFORD NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW?

BUT I TOLD HER, WHEN I'VE SAVED $2,500, BAM!

"I'M SLAPPING THE SHIT OUT YOUR ASS, BITCH."

LIKE, MOST OF YOU WOMEN DON'T KNOW.

YOU $200 FROM GETTING YOUR ASS SHOWN RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

YEAH, I DON'T CATCH ON FIRE OR DO A BACK FLIP AT THE END OR NOTHING LIKE THAT,

YOU KNOW?

YEAH, A LOT OF COMEDIANS, THEY GONNA COME UP HERE,

THEY GONNA HAVE A BIG JOKE. NOT ME. THIS IS A JOB.

SO I TREAT IT JUST LIKE YOU TREAT YOUR JOB.

BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU DO FOR 8 HOURS A DAY,

RIGHT BEFORE YOU CLOCK OUT, YOU DON'T START DOING YOUR SHIT EXTRA GOOD, DO YOU?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU JUST CLOCK OUT, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

- OH! A DORITO BAG? AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

FUCKER, I HAVE A FUNYUN FOR A BABY. THAT'S FUCKED--

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE SEEN THIS MAN DO HIS THING FOR A LOT OF YEARS.

HE'S ABOUT TO TEAR IT UP.

HE'S MY MAIN MAN FROM HOUSTON.

GIVE IT UP FOR DAVID RAIBON.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- YES, Y'ALL, MAKE SOME NOISE.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

HOW Y'ALL FEELING? Y'ALL LIKE MY OUTFIT?

- YEAH!

- GOOD. THIS SHIT GOING BACK RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW.

I NEED THE MONEY FROM THIS TO GET GAS.

GAS HIGH AS A MOTHERFUCKER, AIN'T IT?

GAS SO HIGH, THE L.A. PIMPS GOT TO CARPOOL NOW.

AIN'T THAT FUCKED UP?

THEY RIDING 4 DEEP WITH PIMPS AND FURS AND NAPPY-HEADED HOs.

I WANTED TO SAY, FIRST OF ALL, I'M HERE TO BRING LOVE

TO EVERYBODY.

IS ANY WHITE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT? ANY?

[APPLAUSE]

COME ON, Y'ALL. GIVE IT UP FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE.

COME ON.

I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT GIVE IT UP FOR ME.

THEY CAME AND GOT US. THEY CAME AND GOT US.

COME ON. IT WAS A FUCKED UP BOAT RIDE, BUT THEY CAME. THEY CAME. COME ON, NOW.

DIDN'T NOBODY ELSE COME AND GET OUR ASS.

THE INDIANS WAS HERE.

THEY COULD HAVE CAME. THEY HAD CANOES.

IMAGINE HOW FUCKED UP THAT BOAT RIDE WOULD HAVE BEEN.

FIT THE NIGGERS IN A NARROW-ASS TREE?

WE NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT TO AMERICA.

SURE, IT WAS ALL FUCKED UP, BUT TUPAC SAID "WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKE YOU STRONGER,"

RIGHT? WE DONE GOT BETTER FOR THAT SHIT.

THEY CAME AND GOT US. THEY WENT TO AFRICA-- HOT-ASS AFRICA.

NOW, I AIN'T NEVER BEEN TO AFRICA, BUT I'VE SEEN IT ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

IT LOOK HOT ON TV.

I'M ALL FAMILIAR WITH SPAGHETTI, NOT THE SERENGETI.

AND MY BLACK ASS RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE TERM "AFRICAN AMERICAN." YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'M BLACK. I'M BLACK. MY DADDY WAS BLACK.

MY GREAT-GRANDDADDY WAS BLACK. THEY ALL WAS BLACK.

I'M NOT AFRICAN AMERICAN. I'M BLACK.

YOU KNOW WHY I KNOW I'M BLACK?

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET A LOAN FROM THE BANK,

THEY REMIND ME HOW BLACK MY BLACK ASS IS.

IT'S TOUGH, MAN.

BUT I LOVE IT, MAN. I LOVE EVERYBODY.

YOU GOT TO LOVE EVERY-FUCKING-BODY.

MAN, I LOVE-- ANY MEXICANS HERE? MEXICANS? LATINOS? LATINAS?

[CROWD MEMBERS CHEER]

WOW. THERE'S QUITE A FEW OF Y'ALL HERE

CONSIDERING NOBODY IN YOUR RACE HAS A DRIVER'S LICENSE OR INSURANCE.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, I'M JUST SERIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M FUCKING WITH YOU.

I LOVE THE MEXICAN AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE HARDEST WORKING PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY.

NOBODY WORKS HARDER THAN MEXICAN AMERICAN PEOPLE.

THEY WORK HARD JUST LOOKING FOR A JOB.

GET UP IN THE MORNING AND RIDE AROUND,

THEY'LL BE STANDING ON THE CURB, HOPING THAT A JOB DRIVE BY.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK FOLK, WE NEVER WORK THAT HARD LOOKING FOR NO GOD DAMN JOB.

IF WE CAN'T GET A JOB ON THE HOOK-UP,

THEN THERE AIN'T NOBODY HIRING.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO? ROB A JOB?

"GIVE ME A JOB!" YOU WON'T GET A JOB LIKE THAT.

HA HA!

YOU GOT TO LOVE EVERYBODY. ANY ASIANS HERE? ASIANS?

BECAUSE I LOVE ASIANS. ASIANS?

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A LOT OF ASIANS TO BE IN ONE SPOT. OH, SHIT.

I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM SOME ASIANS.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT PART OF ASIA THEY'RE FROM.

THEY MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ASIAN, BUT THEY DAMN SURE AIN'T BLACK

AND THEY LOUDER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN BLACK PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT EACH OTHER,

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY IS GETTING THEIR ASS KICKED.

THESE MOTHERFUCKERS YELL JUST IN CONVERSATION.

[IMITATING ASIAN DIALECT SPOKEN LOUDLY]

I'M ACROSS THE STREET, GOING LIKE,

UH-OH. IT LOOK LIKE SOME SHIT GOING ON ACROSS THE STREET.

AND YOU HEAR HER TALKING SHIT BACK.

[IMITATING ASIAN DIALECT SPOKEN LOUDLY]

OH, YEAH. I'D BETTER GO CALL 911.

THERE'S SOME DOMESTIC ASIAN VIOLATIONS GOING ON.

AND THEN YOU HEAR HER GO...

[IMITATING ASIAN DIALECT SPOKEN LOUDLY]

YOU GET THAT OLD HOTEL EAR.

I THINK HE FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF HER.

I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM LONG DICK DANG.

DANG, LONG DICK. THAT'S MY ASIAN THERE.

LOVE HIM. YOU GOT TO LOVE EVERYBODY, MAN.

YOU GOT TO.

I GUESS YOU ALL PROBABLY WANT TO KNOW

WHY I AIN'T SAID NOTHING ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, HUH?

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS GIVING THEM A CHANCE TO GET HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, NIGGERS AT HOME RIGHT NOW STILL TRYING TO GET DRESSED

TO MAKE IT TO THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOW.

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT BEING ON TIME.

WE AIN'T NEVER HAVE, AND WE NEVER WILL.

BECAUSE WE LOVE TO BE LATE. WE JUST LOVE THAT SHIT.

GOOD AND BLACK LATE, JUST NEGRO LATE, DOWNRIGHT NIGGER LATE,

JUST SLAVE LATE, HEY-DEE LATE, APARTHEID LATE,

JUST "CORNBREAD EARL AND ME" LATE,

KOOL & THE GANG LATE, CHRISTIE LOVE LATE,

JUST DESMOND TUTU, TOO, TOO, TOO, GOD DAMN LATE,

JUST GERONIMO PRATT LATE, JUST TOO FUCKING FAT LATE,

JUST TARDY LATE, TWICE RETARDED LATE,

JUST LATE FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON LATE.

BLACK FOLKS, WE GET UP EARLY JUST TO BE LATE, DON'T WE?

AIN'T GOT TO BE AT WORK TILL 9:00, GET UP AT 6:30.

[IMITATES BIG YAWN]

FUCK AROUND, FUCK AROUND, FUCK AROUND.

LAY DOWN, GET UP, LAY DOWN, GET UP.

GET TO WORK JUST IN TIME TO BE LATER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

AND THEN WE WANT TO COMPLAIN,

WE CAN'T GET AHEAD BECAUSE OF THE WHITE MAN.

IT AIN'T THE WHITE MAN.

IT'S THE WHITE SNOOZE BUTTON THAT'S FUCKING YOU ALL ASSES UP.

THAT'S WHY THE POST OFFICE IS ALL FUCKED UP TODAY.

BLACK-ASS MAILMEN.

WHEN THE MAILMAN WAS WHITE, YOU NEVER SAW THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU TRY TO CATCH HIM. LIKE SANTA CLAUS.

YOU RUN AFTER THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

"DAMN! WHO WAS THAT MAILMAN?"

NOW LEON IS DELIVERING THE MAIL.

THIS NIGGER DON'T SHOW UP TILL 7:30, 8:00 AT NIGHT.

I CAN'T EVEN CASH MY CHECK AT THE BANK.

I GOT TO GO TO NICK'S CHECK CASHING TO CASH MY MOTHERFUCKER.

LEO'S BEEN COSTING ME 20 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR, THE SON OF A BITCH.

AND WHO EVEN HAVE A FUCKING UNIFORM?

JUST A PAJAMA TOP, CUT-OFF SHORTS, FLIP-FLOPS,

OLD RAGGED-ASS GROCERY BAG WITH YOUR MAIL IN IT.

WHAT THE FUCK?

DRIVING A FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME.

[IMITATING ENGINE NOT STARTING]

BUT I LOVE IT, MAN. I LOVE BEING BLACK, MAN.

I LOVE RELATIONSHIPS. STICK TO RELATIONSHIPS.

ANYBODY BEEN MARRIED ANY LENGTH OF TIME, ANY LENGTH OF TIME?

TWO WEEKS, 3 WEEKS?

GOOD LUCK. I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN DO IT.

MARRIAGE IS THE HARDEST FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD.

ANYBODY BEEN MARRIED ANY TIME, GOD BLESS YOU.

I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T BE WITH THE SAME MOTHERFUCK--

"OH, THIS BITCH IS STILL ALIVE, STILL ALIVE.

"BITCH, YOU KNOW YOU COULD HAVE DIED IN YOUR SLEEP.

YOU COULD HAVE DIED IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SLEEP."

PANTIES HIGH AND INSURANCE PREM.

I AIN'T GONNA NEVER GET MY MOTHERFUCKING MONEY BACK.

YOU GUYS WERE GREAT. I'M DAVID RAIBON. GOD BLESS YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR MY MAN, B. COLE.

- WHAT UP? WHAT UP? WHAT UP? WHAT UP?

WHAT'S GOING ON? MAN, I AM EXCITED.

BECAUSE, MAN, I DON'T GET OUT THE HOUSE.

I'M A HOMEBODY. I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE CLUBS NO MORE.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE CLUBS NO MORE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT'S A DRINK HUSTLE.

I HATE THE CLUBS, MAN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY A GIRL A DRINK NO MORE

WITHOUT HER THINKING YOU WANT TO HARASS HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? BECAUSE, WOMEN, Y'ALL HATE THAT,

WHEN A MAN BUY YOU A DRINK, HE WANT TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND THE CLUB ALL NIGHT, DON'T HE?

THERE'S NO DAMN WAY.

DRINKS ARE 14.50, PLUS A TIP. IF I BUY YOU A DRINK, WE GO TOGETHER.

FUCK THAT. SHIT.

BUT, WOMEN, YOU ALL LOW-DOWN ANYWAY.

YOU ALL TAKE A DRINK FROM A MAN KNOWING DAMN WELL

YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIS ASS.

YOU GONNA TAKE THE DRINK ANYWAY.

YOU TRY TO DRINK THE DRINK DOWN REAL FAST,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, ONCE THE DRINK GONE, THE CONVERSATION'S OVER WITH.

[SLURP]

"GONE, NIGGER."

WHAT THE--I AIN'T EVEN SAID--

"GONE. DRINK GONE. YOU GONE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE. THANK YOU."

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP THESE DAYS, MAN,

YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY AROUND THIS TIME.

IT'S HOLIDAY SEASON, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

FELLAS, YOU ALL KNOW WE HATE HOLIDAY SEASONS

BECAUSE, WOMEN, YOU ALL GOT TOO MANY DAMN HOLIDAYS.

MEN, WE AIN'T GOT HOLIDAYS FOR US. WE GOT NOTHING, NOTHING FOR US.

WE HAD THE SUPER BOWL, BUT THEY STARTED COMING

TO THE GOD DAMN PARTIES, DIDN'T THEY?

YOU CAN'T GO TO A SUPER BOWL PARTY WITHOUT WOMEN BEING THERE

AND TALKING ALL THROUGH THE GAME AND EVERYTHING.

"GIRL, WHO DO YOUR HAIR?" "KEISHA."

"REALLY? THAT'S LATOYA'S COUSIN.

I DON'T FUCK WITH HER BECAUSE SHE BURNED MY SCALP."

SHUT THE FUCK UP. THE GAME ON.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. DAMN!

AND WOMEN THINK THEY OUGHT TO DRESS

FOR THE OCCASION AND SHIT, DON'T YOU?

THEY BE WEARING THEM LITTLE JERSEY DRESSES WITH K-SWISS STILETTOS AND SHIT.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT ON?" "MY SUPER BOWL OUTFIT."

"BITCH, THAT AIN'T THE TYPE OF OUTFIT-- WHAT THE FUCK?"

"IT'S THE SUPER BOWL, AIN'T IT?"

"WELL, WHAT YOU GOT A BOWLING BALL FOR?"

"BECAUSE IT'S THE SUPER BOWL."

"IT AIN'T THAT TYPE OF BOWL."

"IT MATCHES MY PURSE, MOTHERFUCKER. LET'S GO."

GOD DAMN.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT A CAPE ON FOR? WHAT YOU WEARING A CAPE FOR?"

"BECAUSE SUPER BOWL, NIGGER."

"DON'T HAVE ME KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT."

MY GIRL LOOKING LIKE A GOD DAMN SUPER HERO.

AND BACK IN CHICAGO, WOMEN MAKE UP HOLIDAYS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL HEARD OF A HOLIDAY CALLED SWEETEST DAY.

SWEETEST DAY. NO, WOMEN MADE A HOLIDAY,

PUT IT ON THE CALENDAR IN CHICAGO, AND THEY CELEBRATE IT EVERY YEAR.

CALLED SWEETEST DAY.

BUT THEY SAY THAT IT'S FOR THE MEN, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW MEN DON'T WANT THAT SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WOMEN PICK OUT HOLIDAYS FOR MEN.

MEN, DON'T LET YOUR WOMAN PICK YOUR HOLIDAY FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S JUST LIKE YOUR WOMAN GOING TO THE MALL, BUYING YOUR OUTFIT.

NOW YOU IN THE CLUB WITH YOUR BOYS LOOKING LIKE MR. FURLEY AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MEN, DON'T LET THEM PICK YOUR HOLIDAY, MAN.

WOMEN SCARED TO ASK A MAN WHAT HE WANT ONCE A YEAR, 24 HOURS ALL THAT DAY,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S GONNA BE SOMETHING PERTAINING TO SEX.

THEY SCARED.

BECAUSE IF YOU ASK ME WHAT I WANT,

I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW. "HEAD DAY. GIVE ME HEAD DAY. I WANT HEAD ALL DAY.

"COME ON. NO, COME HERE. YOU'RE ASKING. COME HERE, YOU'RE SO CONCERNED.

WHERE YOU GOING? COME HERE. HEAD DAY ALL DAY."

WE NEED A DAY LIKE HEAD DAY. I'M SORRY.

COME ON, FELLAS. THE ONLY WAY WE GONNA GET IT...

[APPLAUSE]

COME ON. WE GOT TO UNITE.

IF WE UNITE, WE'LL GET IT.

HEAD DAY.

THIS IS THE DAY WE MUST RISE AND COME TOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER]

RISE AND COME TOGETHER ON HEAD DAY.

I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE HEAD DAY?

WHOO! BOY, FELLAS, WE'D BE SO EXCITED,

WE CAN'T SLEEP ON HEAD DAY EVE.

WE'D BE LIKE, OH, DANG!

"BROTHER, I CANNOT SLEEP.

YOU KNOW WHY, RIGHT?"

"YEAH, IT'S HEAD DAY. I'M STAYING UP.

ONLY GOT, UM, 23 HOURS. FUCK IT."

HEAD DAY WOULD BE THE MOST QUIET DAY ON EARTH, TOO.

I WANT IT TO BE QUIET.

QUIET DAY. NO WOMEN TALKING.

"WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT'S HEAD DAY."

UH-UH. I DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT. NOPE!

NO TALKING.

NONE OF YOUR PHONES RINGING. NONE OF YOUR HOMIES CALLING.

I WISH A BROTHER WOULD CALL ME ON HEAD DAY.

DON'T CALL YOUR FRIENDS ON HEAD DAY.

I WILL CURSE YOUR ASS OUT.

IT'S LIKE...

[IMITATES TELEPHONE RING]

"HELLO?" "WHAT YOU DOING?"

"MOTHERFUCKER, GETTING HEAD. IT'S HEAD DAY! WHAT YOU WANT? DAMN!"

"FOR REAL?" "YEAH!"

"MAN! SHE SAID IT WAS NEXT WEEK."

"NO, IT'S TODAY. IT'S HEAD DAY, MAN."

"MAN. SHE SAID IT WAS SWEETEST DAY TODAY."

"NO, IT'S HEAD DAY."

"MAN. SHE AIN'T EVEN HERE."

"SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO BE OUT ALL DAY GETTING MY SWEETEST DAY GIFT."

"WELL, GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER.

IF YOUR WOMAN AIN'T WITH YOU ON HEAD DAY, SHE DELIVERING GIFTS."

BECAUSE MY WOMAN AIN'T GETTING OUT OF MY SIGHT ON HEAD DAY.

I'M SORRY. YOU CAN BE LIKE, "I'M TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE."

"HEY, I'M GOING, TOO, BITCH. WAIT!

"MIGHT BE SOME NIGGERS IN THE ALLEYS WITH THEIR DICKS OUT.

ANYTHING GOES ON HEAD DAY."

YO, YOU ALL BE COOL. I'M B. COLE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- THIS IS HIS SECOND APPEARANCE ON "DEF JAM."

FROM THE BRONX, A VERY FUNNY YOUNG CAT.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN GERALD KELLY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- WHAT UP? LET'S GO.

MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE.

[CROWD CHEERS]

I GOT SOME SHIT I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

HOW MANY OF ALL YOU TIRED OF MOTHERFUCKERS DOING REGULAR SHIT TO YOU,

TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU WITH SHIT YOU HAD DONE ALREADY?

I HAD A GIRL THE OTHER NIGHT TELL ME,

"G.K., I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR DICK WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING."

I WAS LIKE, "OOH, OOH, OOH!"

YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME, BITCH, SUCK MY DICK WHILE YOU DRIVING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DON'T FUCK MY TRUCK UP."

I LOVE L.A.

I LOVE KOBE. I LOVE HIS WIFE. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T LEAVE A MOTHERFUCKER WITH MONEY LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T LEAVE--LADIES DON'T LEAVE A MOTHERFUCKER WITH $300 MILLION.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE DID.

I WISH MY WIFE HAD A MILLION DOLLARS.

THE BITCH COULD DO WHAT SHE WANT TO DO.

I COULD WALK IN THE HOUSE, SHE COULD BE SUCKING ANOTHER MAN'S DICK.

"OH, MY BAD.

"THAT'S MY BAD. THAT'S MY BAD. MY--NO, NO DISRESPECT.

"EXCUSE ME FOR USING MY KEYS AT MY HOUSE.

WHEN YOU FINISHED, I'LL BE IN THE BENTLEY."

YOU DON'T LEAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.

COOKIE DIDN'T LEAVE MAGIC.

OH, YEAH, HE BROUGHT HOME THE SHIT.

HE WAS LIKE, "COOKIE"...

[IMITATES SOBS]

"COOKIE, COOKIE, I JUST--"

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, NIGGER, PLEASE. IT'S JUST AIDS.

"YOU ACT LIKE YOU TORE AN ACL OR SOME SHIT.

LOOK, I'LL BE IN THE BENTLEY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TIRED OF TEACHERS. TEACHERS GET ON MY FUCKING NERVE.

YOU GOT KIDS, YOU CAN RELATE.

ALWAYS CALLING HOME, COMPLAINING.

I'M LIKE, "BITCH, 8:00 TO 3:00 IS YOUR SHIFT."

I DON'T FUCK WITH YOU WHEN IT'S MY SHIFT.

I DON'T CALL YOU ON THE WEEKEND WHEN THE GAME ON.

"THIS NIGGER TRIPPING. I KNOW THE GAME ON.

WE NEED TO HOLLER AT HIM."

AND STOP SENDING ALL THAT HOMEWORK HOME WITH THE KIDS.

I DON'T KNOW NONE OF THAT SHIT.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

MY DAUGHTER IN FIRST GRADE. HER SHIT, EASY. COLOR. TRACE.

I'M LIKE, YES.

MY SON IN THE TENTH GRADE.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS BRINGING SOME SHIT HOME I AIN'T SEEN IN 20 YEARS.

IF HE PASSES IT TO ME, I PASS IT RIGHT BACK TO HIM.

HE COME IN THE HOUSE, "DADDY?"

I'M LIKE, "NIGGER, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.

YOU KNOW I AIN'T GRADUATE. YOU KNOW MY G.E.D. IS UNDER INVESTIGATION."

YOU EVER GET THAT HOMEWORK AND JUST STARE AT IT?

"AH! AH, THIS IS THE NEW MATH.

"NIGGER, THIS THE NEW MATH.

"OH, YEAH, THEY DIDN'T HAVE THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL.

YOU GOT TO ADD THIS SUBTRACTION."

"YEAH, YOU GOT TO ADD THIS SUBTRACTION, I THINK."

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS SHIT. SO YOU GOT TO THROW IT ON YOUR CHILD.

"DID YOUR TEACHER SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?

"DID SHE SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS?

"I GOT MY EDUCATION, MOTHERFUCKER. I GRADUATED.

DON'T BRING NO HOMEWORK HOME AGAIN."

YOU EVER DO YOUR CHILD'S HOMEWORK FOR THEM?

WHO EVER DONE SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?

I DID MY SON'S HOMEWORK FOR HIM.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER CAME HOME-- ALL THE HOMEWORK WRONG.

FUCKED MY PRIDE UP.

HE CAME IN THE HOUSE.

[IMITATES CHILD SOBBING]

I SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"

"THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. THE TEACHER GAVE ME TWO ZEROS."

"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET TWO?"

"SHE SAID, ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR YOU."

[APPLAUSE]

"SHE SAID, YOU NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL FOR THE BIG MOTHERFUCKERS."

I SAID, "MAN, FUCK YOUR TEACHER."

"SHE SAID YOU WAS GONNA SAY THAT,

SO SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU, FUCK YOU, TOO."

I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE USING RACISM AS AN EXCUSE.

WE JUST DIFFERENT. WHITE, BLACK, DIFFERENT. AM I RIGHT?

WE JUST DIFFERENT. AM I RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- WHITE PEOPLE GO TO THE ZOO, FUCK WITH ALL THE ANIMALS.

YOU ALL IN THE CAGE, "HERE, LITTLE GRIZZLY."

BEAR TAKE THEIR WHOLE LEFT SIDE OFF.

[IMITATES RIPPING SOUND]

THIS MOTHERFUCKER BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ONE SIDE.

"I'M JUST COMING TO APOLOGIZE."

"NO, IT WAS MY FAULT.

I WAS IN HIS HABITAT, SO I OWE HIM AN APOLOGY."

YOU EVER GET INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH A WHITE PERSON?

"OH!" THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL TELL YOU IN A MINUTE,

"YOU DON'T KNOW MY DAD."

I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, I DON'T KNOW MY DAD."

[APPLAUSE]

WE DIFFERENT.

WHAT ARE WE?

DIFFERENT.

AM I RIGHT?

- RIGHT.

- WE USE WORDS DIFFERENTLY. WHITE PEOPLE USE THE WORD "HELL" IN ONE SENTENCE.

"I'M HOT AS HELL."

BLACK PEOPLE, WE PUT "HELL" ANYWHERE.

"OOH, IT'S COLD AS HELL." "MAN, I'M HORNY AS HELL."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE."

"WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU TO COME UP HERE?"

THE WORD "SHIT."

WHITE PEOPLE: "SMELLS LIKE SHIT."

BLACK PEOPLE: "MAN, I'M TIRED AS SHIT."

"OOH, WHOSE SHIT IS THIS?"

"GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM! "

"I'LL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. I AIN'T TAKING THAT SHIT."

"YOU WANT TO BORROW MY CAR. SHI-I-IT."

[CHEERING]

THE WORD "MOTHERFUCKER."

WHITE PEOPLE: "MOTHERFUCKER!"

BLACK PEOPLE: "MAN, I'M TIRED AS A MOTHERFUCKER."

"OOH, MY BACK HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER."

"IT'S COLD UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

"YESTERDAY, IT RAINED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER."

TOMORROW, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOTTER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER."

"MAN, MY JOB GETTING ON MY MOTHERFUCKING NERVES.

"I'M GONNA QUIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER,

BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE MY RENT HIGHER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER."

"I WENT TO CHURCH SUNDAY. CHURCH LONGER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

PREACHER PREACHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER."

"WHO WAS THE PREACHER?"

"I DON'T KNOW. SOME NEW MOTHERFUCKER."

"I LEFT OUT THE CHURCH BROKER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

"I KEPT PASSING THE BASKET AROUND.

"I'M LIKE, I JUST PUT MONEY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

"I SAW SHIRLEY AT CHURCH. SHE UGLIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER,

BUT THAT PUSSY GOODER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

"I FUCKED THAT MOTHERFUCKER."

"YOU A LYING MOTHERFUCKER."

"RUSSELL SIMMONS, YOU RICHER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

LET ME GET SOME OF THAT MOTHERFUCKING MONEY"...

"BECAUSE I'M BROKER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER."

[CHEERING]

I'M GERALD KELLY. GOD BLESS Y'ALL. PEACE.

- ONE MORE TIME. MY MAN GERALD KELLY.

YES!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

- ♪ GET DOWN! ♪

[LOUD CHEERING]

- AND THE MAN WHO MADE ALL THIS POSSIBLE--

MY MAN RUSSELL SIMMONS.

- THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

[CHEERING]

- ♪ YO, CUTIE ♪

♪ YO, YO, YO, YO, YO CUTIE ♪

♪ AH, YO ♪

♪ YO ♪

♪ YO, Y-Y-YO ♪

♪ YO, Y-YO, Y-YO, CUTIE ♪

♪ LITTLE CUTIE ♪

[CHEERING]

♪ L--L--L--L--CUTIE ♪

[CHEERING]

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