Original subtitles

- I THINK MICHAEL'S ON CRACK...

MYSELF.

ANYBODY THAT WILL FUCK THEIR FACE UP LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE,

HE DOING SOMETHING.

YEAH. I BET YOU MICHAEL'S AT HOME.

MICHAEL'S LIKE...

SSSS.

OOH!

SSSS.

SSSS.

HO!

GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST

D.L. HUGHLEY!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

DAVID ARNOLD...

GERARD...

TIMMY HALL...

AND RASHEED!

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI!

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST!

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- HEY, NOW. ONE MORE TIME.

DO IT FOR MY MAN KID CAPRI!

YEAH.

I LIKE IT.

PRETTY LADIES UP FRONT. GODDAMN.

DON'T LOOK AWAY. THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP ME FROM

FUCKING WITH YOU.

HE'S LIKE...

"DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT HIM, HE CAN'T SEE YOU."

GODDAMN. THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GOT ONE EYEBROW.

GODDAMN!

EITHER THAT, OR A CATERPILLAR TAKING A NAP ON YOUR FOREHEAD.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS OSCAR FROM SESAME STREET.

AIN'T THAT--

GIVE ME A COOKIE. I KNOW YOU GOT A FUCKING COOKIE.

GIVE ME A COOKIE. GOD--

WELCOME TO "DEF JAM." IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE ROUGH

THIS YEAR BECAUSE THE NAACP BANNED THE WORD "NIGGER,"

WHICH FUCKED UP 45 MINUTES OF MY SHOW, SO...

GOOD NIGHT.

THERE'S MOTHERFUCKERS I CAN'T EVEN CALL IN MY FAMILY NO MORE.

"YOU DON'T CALL ME NO MORE." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW."

I KNOW IT'S A HORRIBLE WORD, BUT IT DESCRIBES SOME

MOTHERFUCKERS I KNOW SO PERFECTLY.

EVERYBODY KNOW THAT ONE MOTHERFUCKER.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM COMING, "AW, THIS NIGGER HERE. GODDAMN.

HOW DID HE GET MY NUMBER?"

IT ALL STARTED WITH THAT FUCKING KRAMER FROM "SEINFELD."

REMEMBER THIS MOTHERFUCKER?

HE SAID NIGGER 8 TIMES BEFORE THE AUDIENCE

DECIDED THEY WERE OFFENDED, WENT, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WAS THAT THE EIGHTH NIGGER RIGHT THERE?

"THAT'S 8 NIGGERS, ISN'T THAT OVER THE NIGGER LIMIT?

JESUS CHRIST!"

LOOK AT ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE. "I WISH I COULD SAY THAT."

YOU CAN. JUST DON'T DO IT HERE.

YOU KNOW, DO IT IN YOUR CAR LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

"NIGGER!" VRRRRRM!

VRRRRRM!

TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I KNOW BLACK MEN, AND I KNOW NIGGERS,

AND THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

IF I'M HANGING OUT AT A COOL RESTAURANT, BLACK MEN ARE COOL

TO HANG OUT WITH, BUT IF A FIGHT BREAK OUT HERE TONIGHT,

IT'S A NIGGER I'M GONNA CALL.

FUCK Y'ALL.

AND THEY ACT LIKE THAT'S THE WORST THING, LIKE THAT--

I KNOW IT'S A HORRIBLE WORD.

I DIG IT. I UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT DIG IT.

I GET IT, BUT IT AIN'T THE WORST THING IN OUR COMMUNITY.

I MEAN, WE GOT AIDS, DRUGS, SINGLE

PARENTS, SHITTY-ASS SCHOOLS, AND, YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING

IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY AIN'T THE WORD NIGGER.

IT'S THE FACT THAT, YOU KNOW, MORE PEOPLE--MORE BLACK PEOPLE

DIE FROM EATING FRIED FOODS AND NOT FUCKING EXERCISING

THAN EVER HEARD THE WORD NIGGER.

THAT'S THE FUCKING DEAL. THAT'S--

YOU DON'T--

YOU DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR, AND HE SAY, "YOU KNOW,

"YOUR CHOLESTEROL LEVEL'S GOOD, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN SAYING

NIGGER A LOT LATELY?"

AND ALL THESE LEADERS GET ON,

"HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD STOP SAYING NIGGER."

WELL, IF WE DO, Y'ALL WON'T HAVE A JOB.

HA HA HA! AND IF THE POLICE CAN'T SAY NIGGER, HOW THEY

GONNA TELL US TO GET OUT OF THE CAR?

"GET OUT OF THE CAR, SIR."

THAT'S HOW THE FUCK IT IS, MAN.

IT'S PEOPLE--SOME PEOPLE DO NIGGER SHIT.

THAT'S THE FUCKING DEAL.

I WAS IN NEW YORK. THIS IS A TRUE STORY, MAN.

ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO, THESE BROTHERS SHOT A POLICE OFFICER

AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. I'M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP,

AND, UM--LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER CLAPPING.

IT'S RODNEY KING YOUNGER BROTHER, HUH?

SMOOTHIE KING. AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU TRYING TO FUCK THE SHOW UP?

LOOK AT ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE.

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I"...

NO. HE WAS IN NEW YORK. THIS IS TRUE, MAN.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

HE SHOT TWO POLICE OFFI--THESE TWO BROTHERS SHOT TWO POLICE

OFFICERS AND GOT AWAY WITH IT, AND THEY FOUND A BUCKET

OF CHICKEN--I SWEAR TO GOD--WITH THE FINGERPRINTS

ON THE MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S NIGGER SHIT RIGHT THERE.

FUCK YOU!

I COME HOME, AND A MOTHERFUCKER RUNNING DOWN

THE STREET WITH MY COMPUTER, THAT AIN'T SIDNEY POITIER.

THAT'S THAT NIGGER THERE GODDAMN IT!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GET SO FUCKED UP WITH WORDS.

IT IS WORDS THAT DO FUCK WITH ME LIKE--HEH

HEH--"I'M PREGNANT."

"YOUR CREDIT CARD WAS DECLINED."

"THE POLICE IS AT THE DOOR."

OH, YOU AIN'T CLAP FOR THAT, DID YOU, YOU

HOODLUM MOTHERFUCKER?

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING?

THIS IS HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON "DEF JAM."

ALL THE WAY FROM CLEVELAND, PUT YOUR MAN HANDS TOGETHER

LOUD AND STRONG FOR MY MAN DAVID ARNOLD!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- YEAH!

OH, YES!

HOW Y'ALL DOING?

- [CHEERING]

- GIVE IT UP FOR D.L. AND KID CAPRI!

SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE STILL TAKING BATHS?

HOW MANY PEOPLE TAKING BATHS?

BATHS. YEAH. GOOD.

SIR, YOU A LITTLE TOO GODDAMN BIG TO BE

TAKING A BATH, YOU UNDERSTAND?

MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU SUBMERGED IN NO

WATER IF YOUR ASS IS OLDER THAN 9, YOU UNDERSTAND?

WOMEN THINK BATHS I GOOD BECAUSE THEY PUT BUBBLES

IN THE WATER.

THAT CAMOUFLAGE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.

YOU EVER SEE WHAT BATH WATER LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT

NO BUBBLES?

AIN'T NO TIDE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OH, I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY NIGGER THAT HAD TIDE

IN THE TUB.

TIDE MAKE THE BEST BUBBLES OF ALL, DON'T IT?

YOU BE IN THAT WATER. "THIS SHIT IS INCREDIBLE."

YOU BE CLEAN, BUT YOU BE ITCHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER

WHEN IT'S OVER.

"THIS IS"...

SITTING IN SOME DIRTY-ASS WATER, JUST YOU, THE WATER,

AND THE TRUTH, THAT'S IT.

TAKE A SHOWER, AND WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER, DON'T TAKE NO

SHOWER WITH NOBODY ELSE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU AIN'T GOT ROOM IN YOUR SHOWER AT YOUR

ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

BECAUSE ALWAYS THE GUY IN THE FRONT THE WATER HITTING HIM

IN HIS STERNUM, AND THE WOMAN BEHIND LIKE A BITCH CAN'T GET

NO WATER, HUH?

YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE, HUH?

HE MAD, LIKE, "THIS BITCH IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING."

I BROKE UP WITH A GIRL ONE TIME BECAUSE OF HER SHOWER ROUTINE.

THE SHIT WAS SUSPECT. I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

WE IN THE SHOWER, SHE DOING HER THING--KNEE, KNEE,

SHOULDER, SHOULDER, ASS, FACE.

I'M LIKE, "HOLD UP, BITCH."

"DID YOU JUST PULL A LOOFA OUT YOUR ASS AND PUT IT

"ON YOUR FACE?

"THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

THIS IS"--

THIS BITCH GOT ZESTY ASS FACE.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

THE BATHROOM A SENSITIVE PLACE, AIN'T IT?

YOU EVER GO TO SOMEBODY'S HOUSE AND SEE A HAIR

ON THEIR SOAP?

THAT SHIT IS NASTY, AIN'T IT?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME

THE HAIR CAME FROM THE ASS.

THAT'S ME.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

IT COULD BE BLOND AND WRAPPED AROUND THE SOAP 12 TIMES,

I'M LOOKING AT IT LIKE, "NIGGER, THAT'S A LONG-ASS

ASS HAIR WRAPPED AROUND THIS SOAP."

I'M FROM CLEVELAND.

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.

I GOT ROAD RAGE.

ANYBODY GOT ROAD RAGE?

I WANT TO KILL EVERYBODY.

IS THAT WRONG? IS THAT WRONG?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?

IT'S PRESSURE DRIVING OUT HERE. YOU NOTICE THAT?

YOU KNOW THE WORST PRESSURE IS BEING THAT LEADOFF MAN

AT THE LEFT TURN SIGNAL IN TRAFFIC.

YOU EVER BEEN THIS DUDE?

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE IT IS.

LEAD--I'M SITTING AT THE LIGHT, RIGHT?

I GOT 12 PEOPLE IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR LOOKING AT ME

WITH BLOOD IN THEIR EYES, LIKE, "IF THIS NIGGER DON'T

TURN THE CORNER THE SECOND THIS LIGHT TURN GREEN."

I'M NERVOUS. I'M LOOKING AT THE LIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE

LIKE, "I AIN'T GONNA FUCK IT UP.

"I AIN'T GONNA FUCK IT UP.

I GOT THIS ONE. I GOT THIS ONE!"

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN GUY NUMBER 12.

YOU EVER BEEN GUY NUMBER 12?

YOU MAD BECAUSE YOU AIN'T FIRST ANYWAY, AND YOU KNOW YOU

GOT 11 IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF YOU.

ANYBODY'S HESITATION GONNA COST YOU YOUR CHANCE OF MAKING

THAT LIGHT.

SOON AS THE LIGHT TURN GREEN, I TURN INTO A CHEERLEADER.

"GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!"

AND YOU ALMOST GET THERE, BUT THE PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT

OF YOU DECIDE TO STOP AT THE YELLOW LIGHT?

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

"YOU COULD HAVE MADE IT!"

YOU'LL BE IN THE CAR BY YOURSELF, "WHAT THE FUCK

"IS HE DOING?

"HE COULD HAVE MADE IT!

"FUCK THE CAMERAS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CAMERAS!"

EVERYBODY'S SO AGGRESSIVE, EVERYBODY EXCEPT

FOR THE MERGERS.

THE MERGERS IS THE MOST HUMBLE GROUP OF DRIVERS YOU

WILL EVER MEET BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM YOU.

THEY WANT YOU TO LET THEM IN.

FUCK THEM, YOU UNDERSTAND?

WHEN I GET UP ON THEM, I TURN MY BODY IN THE SEAT JUST

A LITTLE BIT, LIKE, "NIGGER, I DON'T SEE YOU OVER THERE."

YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS "DON'T NOBODY LOOK AT HIM.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM."

BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK AT HIM, YOU GOT TO LET HIM IN.

THEY TRY TO EASE THEIR CAR UP, I EASE MY SHIT UP.

"I WILL HIT YOUR SHIT.

"I WILL RUN THIS PINTO INTO THAT FUCKING HUMMER,

I SWEAR, NIGGER.

MOVE IT AGAIN, MOVE IT AGAIN."

I'M SO ANGRY.

THE WORST IS WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BEHIND TWO SLOW PEOPLE.

YOU EVER HAD THAT?

YOU BE JUMPING FROM LANE TO LANE, LOOKING FOR

THAT LITTLE GAP.

I'M LOOKING FOR 6 INCHES OF DAYLIGHT SO I CAN GET THROUGH.

WHEN YOU GET THROUGH, BEFORE I TAKE OFF, I MAKE IT A POINT

AND STOP AND LOOK AT THE PERSON THAT'S BEEN FUCKING OFF

MY DREAMS AND LET HIM KNOW "I WANT YOU TO KNOW I THINK YOU

AIN'T SHIT."

POW! AND I TAKE OFF.

I DID THIS A FEW--I DID THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO.

I SHOT AROUND THIS DUDE, BUT THEN I GOT CAUGHT

AT THE LIGHT, LIKE, 20 FEET AHEAD.

THE SAME GUY I WENT AROUND RODE UP ON ME AND WENT...

"OH, THAT SHIT WASN'T EVEN NECESSARY.

WE STILL AT THE SAME SPOT."

YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HIM, SO YOU EASE YOUR CAR UP LIKE,

"DON'T YOU JUDGE ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

MY NAME'S DAVID ARNOLD. Y'ALL BE GOOD.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- THIS NEXT CAT INVITES YOU TO KICK BACK AND LAUGH.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR GERARD!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT A REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY NICE HOTEL MAKE YOU WANT TO FUCK AS SOON AS

YOU CHECK IN?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL, BUT I'M A FOOL

AT A NICE HOTEL.

NICE HOTEL, I DO EXTRA NASTY SHIT.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT Y'ALL SAY.

I FINISH FUCKING, I TAKE MY RUBBER OFF, THROW IT

ON THE WALL.

"YEAH!"

Y'ALL CAN "OOH AND AHH" IF YOU WANT TO, BUT FOR $119

A NIGHT, I'M GONNA WIPE MY DICK ON THE CURTAIN.

I SURE AM.

"GIRL, LOOK AT THE SUN COMING UP ALREADY.

"IT WAS DARK WHEN WE STARTED.

LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S PURPLE AND ORANGE AND EVERYTHING."

NOW I KNOW I JUST SAID SOME NASTY SHIT, BUT Y'ALL LAUGHED,

AND SO WE EVEN.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR SHIT ELSE ABOUT IT.

I TELL YOU THIS, TOO, MAN.

I LOVE WOMEN WITH PRETTY HANDS AND PRETTY FEET.

DO Y'ALL HEAR ME?

PRETTY HANDS AND PRETTY--IT'S ALMOST LIKE A SICKNESS.

HONESTLY, SHE COULD BE UGLY AS FUCK, SHE GOT PRETTY HANDS

AND PRETTY FEET, SHE AT LEAST GOT TWO LONG ISLAND ICE TEAS

COMING IN HER DIRECTION, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PRETTY HAN--DO Y'ALL KNOW WHAT FRENCH-TIPPED NAILS ARE?

DO Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, LADIES, HOLD THEM IF YOU HAVE THEM.

FRENCH-TIPPED NAI--WHEN A WOMAN IS HOLDING MY DICK

WITH SOME FRENCH-TIPPED NAILS, IT MAKE MY DICK LOOK LIKE IT

GOT ON A LITTLE TUXEDO.

THAT'S BRILLIANT, THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THAT IS BRILLIANT. IT'S MAJESTIC.

IT'S LIKE PROM NIGHT LOOKING UP UNDER THE SHEET.

LOOK AT THE LITTLE MAN.

LOOKS SO HANDSOME WITH THE LITTLE TUXEDO ON.

LOOK HOW HANDSOME.

Y'ALL SQUEEZE IN HERE, AND I'M GONNA TAKE

A PICTURE BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

HEY, HEY, IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX, THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S

GREAT, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE IT GREAT SEX, RIGHT?

GREAT SEX HAS TO DO WITH THE EXTRA SHIT.

OTHERWISE, WE JUST DOING THE WORD.

WE FORNICATE, WE COPULATE, BUT IF WE HAVING GOOD SEX,

IT HAS TO DO WITH THE EXTRA SHIT.

NOW I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL A STORY REAL QUICK, BUT BEFORE I

DO, I'M GONNA REMIND EVERYBODY I'M JUST A MAN, A MERE MAN,

BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY WHO HEARS ME SAY THIS AT SOME POINT OR

ANOTHER IN THEIR LIFE HAS HAD THAT NIGHT.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?

IT WAS OFF THE CHAIN ON TOP OF YOUR BED.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU WERE JUST DOING ON TOP OF YOUR--

IT WAS CIRQUE DU SOLEIL ON TOP OF YOUR BED

ABOUT 5 MINUTES AGO.

YOU WERE OUTDONE WITH WHAT YOU WERE JUST DOING ON TOP OF YOUR

BED, SO MUCH SO THAT YOU'RE SITTING AT THE EDGE OF YOUR

BED WITH YOUR HAND OVER YOUR FACE, TALKING TO

YOURSELF OUT LOUD.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID ALL OF THAT.

"SHE IS SO NASTY.

"I MEAN, SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA DO IT,

"BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID IT.

"SHE IS SO NASTY.

"AS SOON AS SHE LEAVES, I'M GONNA CALL

"AND TELL EVERYBODY!

SHE'S SO NASTY."

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO ENAMORED WITH WHAT SHE JUST DID, YOU'RE

NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW.

YOU STILL GOT YOUR HAND OVER YOUR FACE, AND ALL

OF A SUDDEN, YOU FEEL A HOT RAG ON YOUR DICK.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"SHE WIPED MY DICK OFF WITH A HOT RAG!

"I AM GOING TO ZALES IN THE MORNING.

"I AM PREPARED TO MARY THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOMORROW.

ALREADY GOT A TUXEDO."

THAT HOT RAG IS A MONSTER, LADIES.

IT WILL CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP.

IF YOUR MAN IS NOT READY FOR IT, HE'LL BREAK UP WITH YOUR ASS.

YOU COME IN THERE WITH A HOT RAG, HE'LL BE LIKE, "UH,

THINGS ARE MOVING TOO FAST.

"NOT READY FOR ALL THAT.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME."

BUT I JUST FOUND THIS OUT, AND THIS IS THE TRUTH.

JUST FOUND OUT THAT AFTER A GREAT NIGHT OF LOVEMAKING

LADIES LIKE IT WHEN A MAN BRINGS HER A HOT RAG BACK INTO

THE ROOM, ALL RIGHT?

YOU HEAR ONE LADY CLAPPING.

AND THAT'S NOT--THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS IS

WHAT WE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

FELLAS, IF YOU GOT YOUR CHICK WITH YOU, I WANT YOU TO LOOK

AT HER IN HER FACE WHILE I DESCRIBE THIS.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR WOMAN WANTS YOU TO DO.

FELLAS, THE NEXT NIGHT YOU HAVE OF GOOD LOVEMAKING--AND

IT HAS TO BE THAT.

IT CAN'T BE, LIKE, 4 SECONDS. PPPT!

"I'M GONNA GO GET A RAG."

NOT THAT.

THE NEXT TIME YOU PUT IT DOWN, FELLAS, THE NEXT TIME YOU

BREAK YOUR BACK OFF IN THERE, BREAK A SWEAT, GET YOUR ASS

UP, FELLAS, GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND GET A RAG.

A CLEAN RAG, NOT THE ONE YOU BEEN HITTING THE RIMS WITH.

THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND FOUL.

DON'T GET THAT RAG YOU ALREADY USED THAT GOT SOAP DRIED UP

ON THE SHOWER ROD.

YOU'LL SCRATCH YOUR PUBICS OFF WITH THAT.

DON'T DO THAT.

FELLAS, GET A CLEAN RAG, PUT SOME SCALDING HOT WATER

INTO THAT CLEAN RAG.

WRING THAT SCALDING HOT WATER OUT OF THAT RAG.

COME ON BACK IN THE ROOM AND GO AHEAD

AND WIPE HER MOUTH OFF.

I'M GERARD. Y'ALL BEEN SWEET.

THANK YOU. PEACE.

- PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR BALTIMORE CITY

POLICE OFFICER TIMMY HALL!

- WHAT'S UP, "DEF JAM?" Y'ALL MAKE SOME NOISE!

OH, MAN! I KNOW Y'ALL LOOKING ME LIKE,

"HE A POLICE OFFICER?"

Y'ALL DON'T LIKE DOES, DO Y'ALL?

YEAH, FUCK Y'ALL, TOO.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I AIN'T THERE TO HELP NONE OF Y'ALL.

I'M THERE FOR THE BENEFITS AND THE CREDIT UNION, NIGGER.

I AIN'T THERE FOR SHIT ELSE.

I'M A PUNK-ASS POLICE.

I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN SHIT.

MY SON'S TALKING ABOUT, "DADDY, YOU FIGHT CRIME."

NIGGER, I DON'T EVEN FIGHT SLEEP.

I GET TIRED RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA LAY THE FUCK DOWN.

I'M A PO--I DON'T HELP NOBODY OUT.

LADY CALLED THE OTHER DAY, TALKING ABOUT, "OFFICER,

MY HUSBAND IN THE HOUSE WITH A GUN.

HE GONNA KILL ME."

I SAID, "WELL, BITCH, GET IN THE CAR.

"BITCH, GET IN THE CAR. HE AFTER YOU, NOT ME.

"IF I GOT SHOT, I SWEAR TO GOD,

"I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU, BITCH.

GET IN THE CAR."

I DON'T EVEN HELP FELLOW POLICE OFFICERS, THOUGH.

FUCK THEM!

OFFICER DOWN, HE DOWN, I'M UP.

I GOT ON THE RADIO. "WHAT'S THE LOCATION?"

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO RUN INTO THAT SHIT BY ACCIDENT.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE'S THE SUSPECT?"

"THE SUSPECT IS STILL AT LARGE. WHERE YOU AT?"

I SAY, "I'M HOME WATCHING THIS SHIT ON THE NEWS.

THAT NIGGER DANGEROUS."

I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN SHIT!

I GOT TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT, THOUGH, BECAUSE I

REALIZED SOMETHING. WOMEN, Y'ALL GET A MOTHERFUCK--

MY WIFE DON'T GO TO NO CLUBS WITH ME.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU CAN'T FIGHT THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY WANT

TO GET YOU INVOLVED IN A FIGHT?

YOU EVER GO TO A CLUB WITH YOUR WOMAN, SHE GET INVOLVED

IN AN ARGUMENT WITH A GUY BIGGER THAN YOU AND STARING

AT YOU LIKE YOU SUPPOSED TO HURT HIM?

I'M STARING RIGHT BACK HER, JUST...

"THAT GUY OVER THE TRYING TO GET MY PHONE NUMBER."

I SAID, "WELL, GIVE IT TO HIM. HE CUTE."

WOMEN ALWAYS TRY TO FUCK WITH YOU.

"WHY DON'T YOU BE A MAN FOR A CHANGE?"

"BITCH, I AIN'T BEEN A MAN ALL THIS TIME.

"WHY AM I STARTING NOW?

"I BEEN A PUNK ALL MY LIFE.

YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE SOMEBODY."

I GO OVER TO THE GUY AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, SIR.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" HE SAID, "MY NAME MIKE."

I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT. I WANT TO TALK.

MY WIFE LIKE NICE THINGS.

YOU GOT A JOB?" HE SAID, "YEAH."

I SAID, "HOW MUCH YOU MAKE A YEAR?"

HE SAID, "500,000."

I SAID, "WHATEVER, MIKE.

"LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION, MIKE.

"MY WIFE LIKE NICE CARS. YOU GOT A NICE CAR?"

HE SAID, "YEAH." "WHAT KIND OF CAR YOU GOT?"

HE SAID, "A MERCEDES-BENZ." I SAID, "WHATEVER, MIKE."

I SAID, "LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION."

HE SAID, "WHAT?" I SAID, "YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND?"

HE SAID, "NO." I SAID, "YOU WANT ONE?

"BECAUSE YOU EVERYTHING I'M LOOKING FOR. FUCK HER!

"NIGGER, SHE DON'T EVEN SUCK DICK.

YOU DON'T NEED THAT BULLSHIT."

I LOVE YOU WOMEN. I DO!

I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WOMEN.

I REALIZE, WOMEN, Y'ALL SELFISH AS FUCK, GEE.

ANOTHER THING. WHEN IT COME TO SEX, WOMEN,

Y'ALL WANT TOO FUCKING MUCH OUT OF MAN.

Y'ALL DO. I ROLLED OVER ON MY WIFE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT, "YOU BETTER GET OFF OF ME."

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?" "YOU BETTER TOUCH ME, LICK ME,

CARESS ME, AND GET ME WET."

SO I SPIT ON HER ASS.

"YOU WET NOW? SHIT. I GOT TO WORK TOMORROW.

"I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT.

"YOU KNOW I'M LAZY.

WHAT THE FUCK WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT I WILL SAY THIS IN Y'ALL WOMEN'S DEFENSE.

MEN, WE DO GET LAZY WHEN IT COME TO SEX.

YOU GOT TO PUT IT DOWN IN 2007, GOT TO PUT THAT

SHIT DOWN.

YOU GOT TO TRY DIFFERENT STUFF.

YOU GOT TO TRY CRAZY.

YOU EVER MAKE LOVE TO SOMEBODY IN THE BED AND SOME SHIT

HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT AND YOU REALIZE YOU LIKE IT?

LIKE, MEN, YOU EVER MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN AND SHE COUGH

AND HER VAGINA MUSCLES JUST WRAP AROUND YOUR DICK,

JUST, "UNH, UNH, UNH!"

NIGGER, YOU BETTER FIND A GIRL WITH THE FLU OR SOME SHIT.

"UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH!"

I'M TELLING YOU.

I'M TRYING TO FIND ME A GIRL WITH ASTHMA.

I CAN'T WAIT, NIGGER!

YOU MAKE TO A GIRL WITH ASTHMA, JUST...

[WHEEZING]

SHIT!

LOVE SEX.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY SAID IF I TALK ABOUT SEX, TALK ABOUT SAFE SEX,

WEAR A CONDOM.

SHIT. I WEAR A CONDOM WHEN I JERK OFF.

I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I BEEN.

COUPLE THINGS YOU GOT TO KNOW. LIKE, THIS FOR THE WOMEN.

TELL THEM. MEN, IF YOU AIN'T A MANGUM MAN, STOP WEARING

MAGNUM CONDOMS.

I PUT THAT SHIT ON, I GOT DUCT TAPE AND STAPLES

AROUND MY SHIT.

I SAID, "WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT?"

"YOUR DICK LIKE A JELLY BEAN IN ZIPLOC."

"FUCK YOU, BITCH."

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NONE OF YOU.

I KNOW MY DICK'S SMALL. FUCK YOU.

MY MOTHER SAID, "AS LONG AS YOU TRY,

YOU STILL A WINNER."

FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

I'M A WINNER IN MY EYES.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU KNOW YOUR DICK'S SMALL

WHEN A GIRL CAN SUCK YOUR DICK AND TALK NORMAL.

SHE ON THE CELL LIKE, "OH. I'M STRAIGHT.

"DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. WE ALL RIGHT.

"DON'T EVEN WORRY. I'M ALL RIGHT, MA.

HOW YOU BEEN, MA?"

HA!

LOVE SEX!

NOW I'M WATCHING PORNO FILMS AND SHIT.

ANYBODY WATCH PORNO FILMS? DON'T LIKE, NIGGER.

I EVEN WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A 65-INCH TV TO WATCH THAT SHIT.

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I EVER FUCKING DID BECAUSE THAT

SHIT IS TOO FUCKING REAL IN THEM PLASMA TVs.

IT'S LIKE YOU REALLY FUCKING THERE.

I'M WATCHING A PORNO FILM.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WALKING TOWARD THE CAMERA,

HIS DICK JUST SWINGING.

NEXT THING I KNOW, HIS DICK IN MY MOUTH.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

"I'M READY TO BACK UP. SO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF, NIGGER."

GLAD Y'ALL ENJOYING YOURSELF.

I'M READY TO GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.

I LOVE Y'ALL, THOUGH, BUT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW, A LOT

OF THINGS I CAN'T TALK ABOUT ONSTAGE.

BEING A POLICE OFFICER, I CAN'T TALK ABOUT MARIJUANA

BECAUSE I CAN'T SMOKE MARIJUANA, BUT I CAN SMELL IT.

I PULLED A CAR OVER THE OTHER DAY.

MOTHERFUCKER HAD WEED.

I WAS AT THAT BITCH FOR 3 HOURS, "LICENSE"...

[INHALES]

"AND REG-I-STRA-TION."

I WAS AT THAT BITCH SO LONG, I FORGOT WHAT I PULLED

HIM OVER FOR.

"HOW YOUR MOTHER DOING?"

YOU KNOW, NOWADAYS, YOU CAN'T SMOKE.

REMEMBER, BACK IN THE DAY, YOU SMOKE A JOINT,

YOU LAUGHED, YOU GIGGLED, IT WAS OVER.

YOU SMOKE A JOINT NOW, YOU LIABLE TO DO ANY

FUCKING THING.

IF YOU SMOKE WEED, STAY THE FUCK IN THE--YOU EVER

SMOKE A JOINT, WALK IN THE MALL, AND SIT DOWN IN FOOTLOCKER?

THEY LIKE, "CAN I HELP YOU?"

"WHAT TIME THE GAME START, NIGGER.

"ALL THESE REFEREES IN THIS BITCH, AIN'T NO GAME?

"THAT SOME BULLSHIT! SOMEBODY LYING.

I GOT SEASON TICKETS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

AND IN BALTIMORE, THEY TALKING ABOUT MAKING DRUGS LEGAL

BECAUSE THEY SAYING THE CRIME'S SO BAD IN BALTIMORE.

I SAID, "IF YOU MAKE DRUGS LEGAL,

YOU GOT TO MAKE THAT SHIT LEGAL FOR EVERYBODY,

EVEN POLICE OFFICERS."

A POLICE OFFICER'S HIGH ON MARIJUANA, YOU'LL NEVER

GET A TICKET.

THAT NIGGER PULL YOU OVER. ROOP ROOP.

"LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, MOTHERFUCKER.

LOOK. I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOU RAN THAT STOP SIGN

"BACK THERE.

"WE CAN FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT SHIT FOR THEM BAG OF CHIPS YOU

GOT SITTING IN YOUR LAP, THOUGH, SHORTY."

"DEF JAM," I'M TIMMY HALL, BABY.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- NOW I SAW THIS CAT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, AND HE--IN

COMEDY CLUBS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY, THEY CALL HIM "THE

TRUTH," AND HE EARNS IT.

FROM BROOKLYN, PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY

MAN RASHEED!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- WHAT'S GOOD?

WHAT UP?

Y'ALL GOOD? - YEAH!

- I'M THE FIRST NIGGER IN MY FAMILY IN L.A. HOLLA.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

CLAP IF YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY.

EVEN IF THEY CRAZY, YOU GOT TO LOVE THEM.

I GOT A UNCLE ON DOPE.

ALL THE KIDS CALL HIM UNCLE DOPE.

THEY BE LIKE, "UNCLE DOPE, GIVE ME A DOLLAR."

"YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL"...

"I AIN'T GOT NO GODDAMN DOLLAR."

Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT DOPE FIENDS?

OH, THEY FUNNIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

I LOVE MY UNCLE BECAUSE HE FLY.

HE AIN'T NO DIRTY DUDE.

HE WEAR ALL THE BRAND-NEW OLD CLOTHES.

YOU KNOW, HE GOT NEW CLOTHES FROM 1982, YOU KNOW.

HE BE WALKING AROUND WITH HIS BRAND-NEW OLD CLOTHES, AND I'M

LIKE, "UNCLE DOPE, HOW YOU KEEP YOUR SHOES SO NEW

AND THEM SHIT'S 25 YEARS OLD?"

HE SAID, "I DON'T SMOKE NO REEFER."

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW DOPE FIENDS TALK.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE A MAN OR A WOMAN, SOON AS YOU

SHOOT THAT HEROIN, THIS HOW YOU SOUND.

[CRAGGY VOICE] OH, SHIT.

ONE TIME, MY MOTHER WAS LIKE, CALL UNCLE DOPE HOUSE.

TELL HIM SOME SHIT.

I CALL ON THE PHONE. THE PONE RUNG.

BBBBBBL.

[CRAGGY VOICE] "HELLO?"

I SAID, "YEAH, UNCLE DOPE, MOMMY SAID"--

"NO, THIS BARBARA."

I SAID, "HI, AUNT BARBARA.

LET ME SPEAK TO UNCLE DOPE."

SHE SAID, "HOLD ON."

YOU KNOW, I'M ON THE PHONE FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES.

I'M ABOUT TO HANG UP. I'M LIKE, "THEY FUCKING

WITH MY DAY MINUTES NOW," YOU KNOW?

THEY GONNA COME BACK TO THE PHONE, "HELLO?"

I SAID, "YEAH, UNCLE DOPE, MOMMY SAID"--

"NO, THIS STILL BARBARA."

I SAID, "UNCLE DOPE, HOW YOU KEEP YOUR SHOES SO NEW?"

HE SAID, "I DON'T SMOKE NO REEFER."

I SAID, "NIGGER, WHAT DO SMOKING REEFER GOT TO DO WITH MY SHOES?"

HE SAID, "BIRST OF BALL"--

RIGHT. BECAUSE THEY DON'T SAY, "FIRST OF ALL."

THEY GO, "BIRST OF BALL, YOU GOT TO RUN

TO THE REEFER SPOT"...

"THEN YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES, Y'ALL GOT TO RUN DOWN

"THE STREET AND GET YOU ONE OF THEM DAMN CIGARS.

"THEN Y'ALL SIT ON THE STOOP, AND YOU ROLL UP YOUR LITTLE,

"STUPID-ASS REEFERS.

"THEN Y'ALL RUN UP ON THE BUILDING.

"YOU SMOKE YOUR LITTLE, STUPID-ASS REEFERS.

"THEN Y'ALL GO BACK TO THE STORE WHEN YOU FINISHED

"BECAUSE YOU HUNGRY.

SEE, THAT PUT A LOT OF WEAR AND TEAR ON YOUR SHOES."

HE SAID, "I GET A BAG OF DOPE,

I BE HERE ALL MOTHERFUCKING DAY."

SAID, "I DON'T NEVER FUCK UP MY SHOES."

I LOVE MY UNCLE DOPE.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

WE BROUGHT HIM TO AN AMUSEMENT PARK.

YOU KNOW, WE TOOK HIM TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK.

WE AIN'T TELL IT COST NOTHING.

WE JUST TOLD HIM IT WAS FROM THE CHURCH, YOU KNOW,

MY GRANDMOTHER'S CHURCH.

SO HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO."

AND NIGHT BEFORE WAS THE BEST SHIT BECAUSE HE LAID ALL HIS

BRAND-NEW OLD CLOTHES OUT, AND HE STANDING IN FRONT

OF THEM, DANCING, YOU KNOW, THE DOPE FIEND DANCE.

"I'M GONNA BE OFF THE HOOK."

WE ALL GET OUT TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK, AND EVERYBODY LOVING

HIM, THE KIDS RUNNING AROUND, "UNCLE DOPE, UNCLE DOPE,

GIVE ME A DOLLAR." AND HE GOT THIS MOVE.

HE BE LIKE, "GET THE"--

YOU EVER SEEN--YOU EVER SEEN THAT SHIT?

"Y'ALL BETTER GET THE FUCK"--

"FUCKING AROUND AND SHIT."

SO ALL THE KIDS JUMPING AROUND, AND WE HAVING

A GOOD-ASS TIME.

MY AUNT GONNA COME TO THE FUCKING--WHERE WE WAS

EATING AND GO, "UNCLE DOPE, YOU BETTER

"GET ON ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING RIDES.

WE PAID $40 FOR YOU TO BE HERE."

THAT NIGGER FOUND OUT THAT TRIP COST $40, LOST IT.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AMUSEMENT PARK, HE WAS

LIKE, "WHAT?!"

"$40?! FOR RIDES?"

HE SAID, "BITCH, YOU KNOW WHAT KIND

OF RIDE I COULD HAVE BEEN ON FOR 40 GODDAMN--I SHOULD

KNOCK THE SHIT OUT YOU."

HEY. MY NAME RASHEED. GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HAVE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME?

WELL, ACT LIKE YOU KNOW.

STAND UP AND GIVE THEM SOME, Y'ALL.

AND HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE MAN WHO MADE

THIS ALL POSSIBLE?

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN RUSSELL SIMMONS!

- DO SOMETHING!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING. GOD BLESS YOU, GOOD NIGHT.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0