Original subtitles

- AND I KNOW BY NOW YOU ALL HAVE NOTICED I'VE GOT SOME BIG-ASS LIPS.

YEAH! I KNOW THEY ARE SOME BIG MOTHERFUCKERS.

SEE, HEY, I KNOW THEY ARE SOME BIG MOTHERFUCKERS.

YEAH, ALL MY LIPS ARE BIG, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SEE, SEE? HERE'S THE KIND OF MOTHERFUCKER

HOWLING ABOUT A BLOW JOB.

AND HE'S WEARING ABOUT A SIZE 4--LITTLE OLD FEET--

SO YOU KNOW HIS DICK'S SMALL.

I COULDN'T GIVE HIM NO BLOW JOB.

MY BIG-ASS LIPS, HIS LITTLE OLD DICK.

IT WOULDN'T WORK.

THAT'D BE LIKE TRYING TO GIVE A WHALE A TIC TAC, MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT SHIT WOULDN'T WORK.

IT WOULDN'T WORK.

IT WOULDN'T WORK.

FOR REAL. AM I LYING?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- IT'S THE RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM

WITH YOUR HOST...

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

KELLY K-DUBB WALKER...

DeRAY DAVIS...

VARGUS MASON...

AND EARTHQUAKE.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J...

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- HOW Y'ALL DOING UP TOP? Y'ALL ALL RIGHT?

[NOISY CHEERS]

YOU GOT TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE IN THE SECTION 8.

THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS GOT SOME WEED AND GUNS.

AND YOU DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GLAD, MAN. SHIT GOT TO GET DIFFERENT, MAN.

EVERYTHING'S FUCKED UP.

THE NEXT PRESIDENT GONNA HAVE A LOT OF SHIT TO DEAL WITH,

LIKE THAT GLOBAL WARMING THING, MAN.

THAT TSUNAMI THING--IN 2005, THAT KILLED 200,000 PEOPLE.

NO ANIMALS DIED.

THE ANIMAL SYSTEM WAS GOING ON. THEY GOT THE FUCK OUT.

NOW, THEY'RE TRYING TO USE THEM FOR AN EARLY WARNING SYSTEM.

LIKE, A CHICKEN'S GONNA TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON.

"WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?"

"YOU'LL FIND OUT."

"IT'S ABOUT TO BE FUCKED UP AROUND HERE, ISN'T IT?"

A LOT OF SHIT, MAN, LIKE THIS MEDICAL.

YOU KNOW THE GREATEST MEDICAL ADVANCEMENTS

IN THIS COUNTRY IN THE LAST 10 YEARS

HAVE BEEN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DRUGS?

NOTHING--WE AIN'T FIXING SHIT ELSE.

"I HAVE BREAST CANCER."

"WELL, I DON'T HAVE NOTHING FOR THAT.

"I HAVE SOMETHING FOR A HARD DICK. YOU WANT A HARD DICK?

THAT'S ALL THE FUCK I GOT HERE."

REALLY, THOUGH, IT WASN'T EVEN FOR YOUR DICK.

THEY WERE EXPERIMENTAL HEART MEDICATIONS.

SOME DUDE WALKS DOWN, "MY CHEST HURT."

"HERE. TAKE THIS PILL. HOW'S YOUR CHEST?"

"IT HURTS, BUT MY DICK IS HARDER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER."

"WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHEST?"

"FUCK MY CHEST. GIVE ME TWO MORE OF THESE PILLS."

THEY GOT SHIT CALLED CIALIS THAT LASTS 36 HOURS.

I LIKE FUCKING, BUT THAT AIN'T FUN.

36 HOURS? SHIT, YOU'LL JUST BE CHAPPED AND DEHYDRATED.

"YOU READY TO GO AGAIN, BIG DADDY?"

"GIRL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. AND BRING ME SOME GATORADE AND SOME BABY POWDER.

"MY NUTS ON FIRE. SHIT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED WHEN YOU SMELLED SMOKE. THIS SHIT HURTS."

CIALIS GOT THE DUMBEST WARNINGS IN THE WORLD.

"IF YOU HAVE AN ERECTION FOR MORE THAN 4 HOURS, YOU SHOULD CALL A DOCTOR."

IF I GOT AN ERECTION FOR 4 HOURS, I'M GONNA CALL A HOOKER.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU. MY MOM ALWAYS SAID, "SHARE YOUR TOYS."

FUCK THAT SHIT, NIGGER.

NOW, THEY GOT SOME SHIT CALLED LEVITRA THAT WORKS,

BUT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS--

THAT IT CAN CAUSE PENIS DISFIGUREMENT.

THAT REALLY AIN'T WORTH THE RISK,

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA GET A LOT OF ACTION

WHEN YOUR DICK'S SHAPED LIKE A YAM.

YAM? NAH. THAT DO NOT TURN THE LADIES ON.

YOUR LADY GOING, "WHY IS YOUR DICK SHAPED LIKE A YAM?"

"JUST CALL ME SWEET POTATO PIE, BABY."

Y'ALL READY TO GET THIS THING GOING?

THIS CAT'S MOTTO IS "GIMME A CHANCE."

FROM MEMPHIS, KELLY K-DUBB WALKER. GIVE IT TO HIM NOW.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

- WHAT THE BUSINESS IS. PLAY THAT AGAIN, NIGGER.

[MUSIC STARTS]

- THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK. I'M TALKING ABOUT. CUT THAT SHIT.

THAT'S MY SHIT. Y'ALL LIKE THAT?

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M HAPPY Y'ALL CAME OUT.

YOU EVER WHISPER SOME SHIT TO A NIGGER, AND HE TALK LOUD BACK?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU BE MAD AS A MOTHERFUCKER. DON'T YOU?

[WHISPERS]

"GOD DAMN. I JUST GAVE YOU UP $45 OVER THERE."

YOU BE LIKE, "GOD DAMN.

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE, OH, MY GOD.

"THIS NIGGER JUST--OH, THIS MOTHERFUCKER, JUST THROW IT ON THE GROUND.

I'LL PICK IT UP. FUCK IT."

THIS MOTHERFUCKER JUST FUCKED THAT UP.

OH, MY GOD. A WHOLE $45 GOING DOWN THE GOD DAMN DRAIN, NIGGER.

FELLAS, YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF YOUR HOMEBOYS WHISPER IN YOUR EAR

AND HIS LIPS KEEP TOUCHING YOUR EAR?

HA HA HA!

YOU DON'T TELL HIM SHIT BECAUSE HE GOT SOME IMPORTANT SHIT TO SAY.

YOU JUST KEEP ON EASING OFF.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER DONE WALK YOU TO THE CRIB.

YOU BE LIKE, "OH, HELL NO!"

SHIT.

THIS NIGGER TELLING YOU SOME IMPORTANT SHIT, THOUGH.

"THERE ARE SOME BITCHES OVER THERE I WANT TO FUCK."

"YUP, I NEED TO FUCK SOMEBODY. YOU GOT ME HORNIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, NIGGER."

OH, HELL YEAH.

THIS NIGGER GOT YOUR WHOLE SHOULDER JUMPING.

YOU BE LIKE, "NIGGER, YOU BETTER HURRY THE FUCK UP, NIGGER."

HA HA!

YOU DONE BROKE INTO A BUTTERFLY.

"NIGGER, YOU BETTER HURRY IT."

[LAUGHTER] I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU ALL.

NOBODY GIVE A FUCK NO MORE THESE DAYS.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE CRACK-HEADS IN THE BUILDING.

GIVE YOURSELF A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

OH, MY GOD. CRACK-HEADS DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEY SELL YOU.

AND THEY SELL YOU SHIT THAT'S IMPORTANT TO THEM

BUT DON'T MEAN SHIT TO YOU.

THE OTHER DAY I'M IN MEMPHIS-- THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM--

A CRACK-HEAD TRIED TO SELL ME A PICTURE OF HIM

WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

I'M LIKE...

I'M LIKE, "NIGGER, THIS AIN'T EVEN YOU."

HE HAD "TO YOU, FROM ME" ON THE BACK OF THE PICTURE.

I'M LIKE, "WHO THE FUCK IS YOU?"

"THAT'S YOU."

"WHO THE FUCK IS ME?"

"THAT'S ME."

"WHAT IF YOU WOULD HAVE SOLD IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE?"

"I WOULD HAVE PUT THEM."

I'M LIKE, "OK. YES."

YOU GOT TO WATCH WHAT THEY SAY, THOUGH.

IF THEY SAY SOME SHIT, CHECK IT. DON'T LET THEM WALK OFF.

THE OTHER DAY, NO BULLSHIT.

IF THEY SELL YOU A PENCIL, SEE IF THEY CAN WRITE.

DON'T LET THEM WALK OFF.

THE OTHER DAY I'M IN MEMPHIS-- NO BULLSHIT--

A CRACK-HEAD TRIED TO SELL ME A ROTTWEILER.

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE GOD DAMN DOG,

BECAUSE HE HAD IT WRAPPED UP IN A SHEET.

I'M LIKE, "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU WRAP A GROWN-ASS DOG UP IN A SHEET?"

HE UNWRAPPED THE SHEET AND RAN OFF.

THE DOG DIDN'T HAVE NO LEGS.

I'M LIKE, "AIN'T THIS A BITCH?

THIS NIGGER DONE SOLD ME A CATERPILLAR."

HA HA HA!

I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH A DOG AROUND MY NECK LIKE A SNAKE.

[IMITATES DOG BARKING]

"YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY YARD

BEFORE I THROW THIS GOD DAMN DOG ON YOU, PLAYER."

[IMITATES DOG GROWLING]

IF I THROW HIM OVER THERE, HE GONNA BE OVER THERE

TILL I GET OVER THERE. SO...

NIGGER WALKING AROUND WITH THE DOG LIKE A BRIEFCASE.

[IMITATES DOG GROWLING]

"WHAT THE FUCK WRONG WITH YOUR DOG?"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

"IF I THROW HIM OVER THERE, HE GONNA BE OVER THERE

"TILL I GET OVER THERE.

"THAT'S ALL THE FUCK I WANT YOU TO KNOW.

JUST KNOW WHO YOU FUCKING WITH BEFORE YOU FUCK WITH IT."

LIKE, "SEE THERE? I ALMOST LET HIM GO.

HAD I LET HIM GO"...

[WHISTLES]

THAT DON'T BRING HIM BACK. THAT DON'T BRING HIM BACK.

ONCE I THROW HIM OVER THERE,

OH, HE GONNA BE OVER THERE

TILL I GET OVER THERE.

HA HA HA!

NOBODY GIVE A FUCK.

PUT YOUR CONDOMS ON, TOO.

MAKE SURE YOU GO OUT AND SHIT AND JUST WRAP IT UP.

THERE'S SOME FUCKED-UP SHIT OUT HERE.

ANYBODY TOOK THE HIV TEST LATELY?

CLAP A LITTLE FOR YOURSELF IF YOU TOOK IT.

YUP, SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SEE? WE WILL GO TAKE THE MOTHERFUCKER,

BUT WE WON'T GO BACK AND GET THE RESULTS, GOD DAMN IT.

NIGGERS BE LIKE, "FUCK THEM RESULTS.

"IF THEY DON'T COME AND GET ME,

"I MUST AIN'T GOT THE SHIT. I'M GOOD.

"I'M GONNA GET MY ASS BACK IN THE CLUB.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS I BEFORE I..."

HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S SOME FUNNY-ASS SHIT, MAN.

IF YOU TAKE THE HIV TEST, GO ON AND BE REAL WITH YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, HAVE YOUR RESULTS COME BACK. YOU KNOW.

HEY, ONE OF MY HOMEBOYS. I WAS LIKE, "HOW DID YOUR RESULTS COME BACK?"

HE WAS LIKE, "EH."

HOW THE FUCK YOUR SHIT COME BACK...

[LAUGHTER]

HOW THE FUCK YOUR SHIT LIKE THIS?

WAIT. WHAT IS THAT?

HUH. I GUESS...

HE'LL GO BACK TOMORROW, I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW.

MY HOMEBOY, MAN.

ANYBODY GOT FUCKED-UP HOMEBOYS?

CLAP A LITTLE IF YOU GOT FUCKED-UP HOMEBOYS.

MY HOMEBOY FUCKED UP.

THIS NIGGER STILL LIVE WITH HIS MOM.

ANYBODY STILL LIVE WITH THEIR MAMA-- BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO ASK. ANYBODY?

YOU EVER LIVE WITH YOUR MAMA SO LONG

ALL HER FRIENDS BECOME YOUR FRIENDS?

YOU EVER DID THAT SHIT?

I GOT A HOMEBOY, THIS NIGGER DON'T LOOK LIKE HE ABOUT TO MOVE, NIGGER.

I KNEW HE WASN'T ABOUT TO MOVE WHEN HE WENT TO HOME DEPOT,

BOUGHT A SCREEN DOOR, AND PUT IT ON HIS BEDROOM DOOR.

I'M LIKE, "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT BITCH ON THE JOINT?"

HE STEP OUT IN THE HALLWAY AND YAWN LIKE HE ON THE PORCH.

"AH, SHIT.

"LOOK, IT'S COLDER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS HALLWAY.

I'M-A GET MY ASS ON BACK IN THIS ROOM."

HE WALK BACK IN THE ROOM AND PUT THE LITTLE HOOK ON THE DOOR.

[IMITATES HOOK CLICKING]

IT WAS LIKE, "HEY, WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THE HOOK FROM?"

THIS NIGGER GOT THE LITTLE HOOK AND EVERYTHING.

WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY HATE, THOUGH,

IS WHEN SOMEBODY COMES IN MY HOUSE AND WON'T LEAVE.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT SHIT?

YOU TRYING TO THROW HINTS.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER STILL AIN'T LEFT YET.

YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, HE TAKE OFF HIS.

YOU GO, "HEY!"

"THAT WAS MEANING THAT YOU GOT TO GO, NIGGER."

YOU EVER HAD TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE JUST TO GET ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER TO LEAVE?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU WEREN'T EVEN ABOUT TO GO NOWHERE.

IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU BE LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I'M ABOUT TO GO TO THE ZOO.

"WHERE THE FUCK YOU ABOUT TO GO, NIGGER?

LET'S GET THE FUCK UP OUT OF HERE, NIGGER."

"IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING."

"I KNOW IT. I JUST WANT TO SEE A MONKEY YAWN.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN..."

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE THAT CALL AND ASK TO COME OVER

AND THEY ALREADY OUTSIDE?

DON'T THAT FUCK YOU UP? NIGGER JUST BE LIKE...

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"HELLO?" "YEAH, WHAT YOU ALL DOING TODAY?"

"CHILLING." "I CAN COME OVER?"

"YEAH." "OPEN THE DOOR."

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT?"

HEY, MAN, YOU ALL BE EASY. I'M K-DUBB. YOU ALL HOLD IT DOWN.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT'S A FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.

GIVE IT TO HIM ONE MORE TIME. HE'S A FUNNY DUDE.

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT THAT ONLY HAPPENS TO BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU EVER GO TO SOMEBODY'S HOUSE,

THE HOUSE SO FUNKY, THE PEOPLE SMELL JUST LIKE THE HOUSE?

YOU EVER DO THAT? YOU LIKE, "HEY."

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT LIKE THAT,

THE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN COMMERCIAL

WHERE THEY GOT THAT BIG BOWL OF NASTY BULLSHIT.

YOU HEAR OF IT? THEY GOT MASHED POTATOES

AND CHICKEN AND CORN, GRAVY, AND CHEESE.

WHO THOUGHT OF THE CHEESE SHIT?

ANYBODY WHO BUY THAT, THE POLICE GONNA CHECK,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HIGH.

YOU AIN'T GONNA JUST...

"PULL OVER. NO ONE WOULD ORDER THAT UNLESS THEY WERE FUCKED-UP.

NO ONE..."

ALL RIGHT. IF YOU CAUGHT HIM LAST SEASON ON "DEF COMEDY JAM,"

YOU ALREADY KNOW HE'S ONE OF THE ONES TO WATCH.

ALL THE WAY FROM CHI-TOWN, MY CAT, DeRAY DAVIS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- YEAH. PLAY THAT GANGSTER.

KID CAPRI, THAT'S THAT GANGSTER. THAT'S THAT GANGSTER.

I FEEL DARK-SKINNED WITH THAT SHIT ON, MAN.

MM MM!

SHIT. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN. FUCK IT.

ALL THE WOMEN IN HERE LOOKING GOOD.

DAMN! IT'S HARD FOR WOMEN TO GO OUT, MAN.

LOOK AT THESE MOTHERFUCKING WOMEN.

L.A. A MONSTER.

THERE BE BEAUTIFUL BITCHES WORKING AT McDONALD'S.

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS AIN'T WHAT I DO ALL DAY."

IT'S HARD FOR WOMEN. IT'S HARD FOR Y'ALL TO GO OUT, AIN'T IT?

IT'S HARD FOR YOU ALL TO DANCE.

YOU ALL EVER LET DUDES DANCE ON YOU ALL?

AND DUDES START SNAPPING.

I'M TRYING TO A DANCE ON A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

I DO THE "I'LL GET YOU PREGNANT DANCE."

OH, WOMEN, THAT SHIT AIN'T NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

NIGGER BE BEHIND YOU, LIKE, "I'LL GET YOU PREGNANT, BITCH.

I GET YOU PREGNANT. MY BALLS IS ON YOUR BACK."

HA HA.

LOOK AT ALL THE HONEST MEN HERE. WHAT'S UP, HONEST FELLAS?

YOU LET YOUR GIRL CHECK YOUR PHONE?

HA HA HA!

HELL NO!

WOMEN WILL NEVER GET A NIGGER'S PHONE.

YOU EVER TELL YOUR GIRL TO CHECK YOUR PHONE,

BUT YOU DON'T BE MEANING THAT SHIT?

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "GO ON AHEAD. YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

"YOU DON'T BELIEVE WHERE THE FUCK I WAS AT? CHECK MY SHIT.

CHECK IT THERE."

SHE REACH FOR IT, YOU BE LIKE,

"BITCH, WHY YOU GOT TO ALWAYS CHECK THAT SHIT?

THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING TO."

TIME-OUT. SOME GIRLS.

YOU BE TURNING AROUND. YOU BE ERASING NUMBERS.

"ANYTIME. DON'T BELIEVE ME?"

HERE. GO ON AHEAD. CHECK IT NOW. YOU CAN CHECK THAT SHIT NOW."

WOMEN BE ON US.

WOMEN DO NOT WANT US TO CHEAT.

"YOU'RE NOT CHEATING ON ME."

Y'ALL BE ON MEN, DON'T YOU ALL?

THAT'S WHY YOUR WOMAN WILL NEVER WANT YOU TO GO OUT,

'CAUSE SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE NO NEW GAME.

DON'T FALL FOR THAT SHIT.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN DON'T WANT YOU IN THE CLUBS.

BECAUSE YOU OUT. YOU MACKING.

YOU GOT NEW GAME. YOU GOT NEW SHIT YOU'RE COMING WITH.

SHE WANTS YOU TO STAY IN THE HOUSE, SO YOUR GAME GET OLD.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN SHE BREAK UP WITH YOUR ASS,

NOW YOU A YOUNG-FACED NIGGER OUT THERE WITH OLD-ASS GAME.

I'M IN THE CLUB WITH THE GAME FROM 7 YEARS AGO.

"COME ON. MISS LADY, MISS LADY, MISS LADY, MISS LADY.

"MISS LADY, MISS LADY,

"SHORTY REDBONE, SHORTY REDBONE, SHORTY REDBONE,

CAN I TALK TO YOU?"

I JUST TALK SHIT.

WOMEN, HEY, Y'ALL TRIP ME IF YOU ALL WANT TO.

I'M NOT SHALLOW. MOST MEN--I AIN'T LYING TO YOU--

WE AIN'T NO SHALLOW PEOPLE. WE'LL FUCK JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

WOMEN, YOU ALL SHALLOW. YOU ALL MEAN.

MEN AIN'T MEAN.

WE SEE A GIRL--UGLY-- IN THE CLUB,

LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT UGLY-ASS BITCH WITH THE ASS."

WE FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL ABOUT HER.

"I'D STILL FUCK HER. I'D FUCK HER. WHO WANT TO FUCK?

"I FUCK HER. IF AIN'T NOBODY GONNA FUCK HER, I'LL FUCK.

YOU AIN'T GONNA FUCK? I'LL FUCK. I FEEL FUCK."

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW MEN ARE.

WE STILL THINK BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BLACK WOMEN, YOU'RE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

WE STILL LOOK AT YOU AND SHIT.

WOMEN, YOU ALL MEAN.

YOU ALL PLAY UGLY DUDE GAMES IN THE CLUB.

YOU ALL SOME EVIL MOTHERFUCKERS.

YOU ALL BE IN THE CLUB DOING SHIT LIKE THIS.

YOU ALL BE LIKE, "HEY, GIRL, HEY, GIRL, HEY, GIRL.

"THERE GO YOUR MAN RIGHT THERE. THAT'S YOUR MAN!

"NO! THAT'S YOUR MAN. NO! THAT'S YOUR MAN.

"SHE LIKE YOU. SHE LIKE YOU. SHE LIKE YOU. SHE LIKE YOU.

NO! SHE LIKE YOU."

NOW THIS UGLY MOTHERFUCKER FOLLOW YOU TO YOUR CAR.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU ALL BITCHES, EH, LIKE ME?"

WOMEN JUST LIE ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY BEEN WITH.

YOU ALL ARE SOME LYING MOTHERFUCKERS, MAN.

ASK YOUR WOMAN RIGHT NOW HOW MANY PEOPLE SHE BEEN WITH,

SHE CAN BE LIKE, SHE AIN'T GONNA NEVER LEAVE THIS HAND.

[IMITATING WOMAN MUMBLING]

"ABOUT THIS MANY. THIS MANY."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT THAT LAST MOTHERFUCKER?"

"BUT HE DON'T COUNT."

"WHY THE FUCK DON'T HIS DICK COUNT?"

ARE WOMEN FAITHFUL ANYMORE?

- YEAH!

- ARE THERE ANY FAITHFUL WOMEN HERE, REALLY?

ARE THERE ANY FAITHFUL WOMEN?

[CROWD CHEERS]

HOW MANY WOMEN IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW?

YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

YOU FAITHFUL TO YOUR MAN. YOU LOVE HIM TO DEATH.

YOU'LL DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

[APPLAUSE]

HE IS YOUR KING. MAKE SOME NOISE IF HE IS YOUR KING AND YOU LOVE HIM TO DEATH.

[SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COOL. IF YOU LOVE YOUR MAN RIGHT NOW...

STAND UP FOR YOUR MAN RIGHT NOW IF YOU LOVE YOUR MAN.

[SCATTERED CHEERS]

HEY, FELLAS, IF THEY STAND UP THAT QUICK,

THEY'LL GO DOWN ON THIS NIGGER'S DICK JUST LIKE THAT.

[WOMEN GROAN]

IT AIN'T TAKE SHIT TO GET THEM UP.

"STAND UP." "I'LL STAND UP."

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- MAKING HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON "DEF COMEDY JAM,"

GIVE IT TO VARGUS MASON.

[CROWD CHEERS]

- HEY, WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT? I'M GLAD TO BE HERE.

PEOPLE OFTEN STOP ME ON THE STREET,

AND THEY SAY, "VARGUS, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE A BROKE-ASS LENNY KRAVITZ?"

I'LL ADMIT IT. I AM NOT YOUR TYPICAL BLACK COMEDIAN.

I DON'T DO A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE.

I'D LIKE TO, BUT I WAS BORN IN DENVER, COLORADO.

IT'S HARD TO MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE IF YOU FROM COLORADO,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THE MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE VOICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IF I WANTED TO TALK WHITER AT THIS POINT,

I'D HAVE TO BREAK OFF INTO OLD ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D HAVE TO DO JOKES LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHEN BLACK PEOPLE HIT IT,

WHEN WE MAKE LOVE, WE LIKE, OOH, BABY, OOH, GIRL, YOU LIKE THAT, BABY.

OOH, BABY."

WHEN WHITE PEOPLE HIT IT,

THEY'RE LIKE...

[EUROPEAN ACCENT] "THESE ARE THE FORGERIES OF JEALOUSY."

"AND NEVER SINCE THE MIDDLE WINTER'S SPRING,

HAVE WE MET BY HILL, DALE, FOREST, OR MEAD."

"OH, HORATIO!"

I MADE SOME FUN OF SOME WHITE PEOPLE, THOUGH, I HAVE.

I'VE MADE FUN OF, LIKE, THE WHITE WOMEN WHO PUT ON TOO MUCH LIPSTICK.

WHY DO SOME OF YOU ALL DO THAT, THOUGH?

IS IT FUN?

CAN YOU NOT STOP?

WHEN YOU PUTTING IT ON, IS IT LIKE,

"MM-HMM. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! OK! OK! OHH! OHH! OHH! HA HA HA!

AHH! AHH."

"PRETTY."

"SO PRETTY."

MAN, I DATED THIS GIRL, WE WERE RUNNING LATE ONCE.

I WAS LIKE, "BABY, WE GOT TO GO. WE GOT TO GET TO THE CLUB, BOO-BOO.

COME ON. WE GOT TO GO."

"HOLD ON. LET ME GET MY LIPSTICK. HOLD ON."

"OK. I'M READY TO GO."

[LAUGHTER]

I DATED SOME CRAZY ONES.

THE WORST GIRL I EVER DATED WAS THIS JAPANESE GIRL.

I'M GONNA WARN YOU ALL, IF YOU EVER DATE

ANOTHER RACE OR ANOTHER CREED OR ANOTHER ZIP CODE...

DON'T TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER'S PEOPLE.

THAT'S A RULE. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER'S PEOPLE.

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS ALL RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT MY CULTURE.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT. SHE WASN'T ALWAYS EVIL, THOUGH, RIGHT?

IN THE BEGINNING, HAD A CUTE LITTLE JAPANESE ACCENT.

SHE WAS LIKE...

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, VARGUS.

YOU ARE MY SOUL-MATE. I LOVE YOU."

IN THE END, SHE WAS LIKE,

"I, FUCKER, HATE YOU."

"YOU ARE SO BROKE, VARGUS. WHY ARE YOU SO BROKE?

"YOU TAKE ME TO SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK.

"YOU TAKE ME TO FREE DAY AT THE MUSEUM.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE CULTURED. YOU ARE JUST BROKE."

"WELL, IT'S JUST EXPENSIVE, BABY."

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN,

I HAVE TO ORDER A VALUE MENU THE REST OF MY LIFE?"

"VARGUS, IF YOU ARE A BARRER,

IF YOU ARE BRING-BRING, YOU DON'T ORDER VALUE MENU."

"WELL, SHIT. WHY DON'T YOU PAY FOR SOMETHING SOMETIMES. DAMN."

"VARGUS, WHAT THE FUCK ARE CHITRINS?"

[LAUGHTER]

"CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THE CHITRINS TO ME?"

"WHY DO CHITRINS SMELL SO BAD, VARGUS?

THEY SMELL LIKE ASS, VARGUS. WHY?"

"WELL, THEY'RE PIG INTESTINES, BABY."

"PIG ASS?! YOU MAKE ME EAT A PIG ASS?

"YOU BROKE CHITLIN-EATING VALUE-MENUING MOTHERFUCKER! CAN'T STAND YOUR BLACK ASS!

I LEAVE YOU NOW. BYE!"

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, I'M A SENSITIVE BROTHER, RIGHT?

I'M A SENSITIVE BROTHER.

I COULDN'T HANG WHEN I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.

I WAS LIKE, "IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN. YOU A LONE WOLF.

"YOU DON'T NEED NOBODY. YOU A LONE WOLF, MAN.

OH, SHIT. YOU CAME BACK."

"I, FUCKER, HATE YOU."

"WHY'D YOU COME BACK?"

"I JUST WANT TO SAY IT ONE MORE TIME.

FUCKER, I HATE YOU. BYE."

"ALL RIGHT. WHY YOU STILL HERE, THEN?"

"BECAUSE I STILL FIND YOU MANLY AND SEXY."

I'M SORRY. GIVE ME A SECOND.

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP. IT COULD HAPPEN. HOLD ON.

HA HA!

"YOU NEED ME TO BREAK YOU OFF A LITTLE SOMETHING BEFORE YOU GO, BABY?"

"YES. BREAK ME OFF SOMETHING-SOMETHING."

[IMITATES KISSING SOUNDS]

"OH, I LOVE YOU LONG TIME."

[IMITATES KISSING SOUNDS]

"MY VAGINA IS TOKYO. YOUR PENIS IS GODZIRRA."

[IMITATES KISSING SOUNDS]

THAT'S MY TIME. I'M VARGUS MASON.

GOD BLESS YOU.

- WELL, THEY SAY YOU SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.

AND THAT'S JUST WHAT WE DID.

A WASHINGTON, D.C., NATIVE GUARANTEED TO BLOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

MY CAT, EARTHQUAKE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- YES, YES. WHAT'S UP, L.A.? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

[CROWD CHEERS]

ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOUR ASS UP IN HERE.

I SWEAR, I LOVE L.A., MAN. I LOVE YOU ALL's ASS.

I LOVE YOUR WEATHER, BECAUSE IT STAY HOT DOWN HERE.

I CAN DEAL WITH THE HEAT. IT'S THAT COLD I CAN'T FUCK WITH.

I WAS IN CHICAGO SHOOTING THIS MOVIE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW ANYBODY COULD BE IN CHICAGO

IN THE WINTERTIME.

THAT SHIT OUGHT TO BE AGAINST THE LAW.

I'M SERIOUS. I WAS HIDING FROM THE GOD DAMN COLD LIKE IT WAS THE POLICE.

I COME OUTSIDE. "DAMN! THAT MOTHERFUCKER STILL OUT THERE."

"I AIN'T SEEN THE SUN IN 3 MONTHS.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER MUST HAVE GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER."

BUT IN CHICAGO, I'LL TELL YOU, MAN,

THAT GOD DAMN WINTER BE ON YOUR ASS LIKE A SUPERVISOR.

IT'S SO COLD IN CHICAGO, IT MAKE HOMELESS PEOPLE FIND THEY FAMILIES.

NIGGER BE GOOGLING, "OH, THAT'S WHERE MY MAMA MOVED TO.

"OK, MAMA, YOU WERE RIGHT. I'LL DO MY HOMEWORK. SHIT!

JUST LET ME GET MY ROOM BACK."

IT'S SO COLD IN CHICAGO, I SEEN A DOG WEARING A DOG.

A PIT BULL HAD A POODLE AROUND HIS NECK.

HE WAS LIKE, "I WAS GOING TO EAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER, BUT, SHIT!"

IT'S SO COLD IN CHICAGO, ILLEGAL ALIENS JUST TURNED THEIRSELF IN.

"I'M NOT FROM HERE. DEPORT ME. I KNOW THE RULES. THIS AIN'T ARIZONA.

I CAN'T MAKE NO MONEY. LOOKIT, ALL THESE GOD DAMN FRUITS IS FROZEN."

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, LISTEN TO ME, THERE'S ILLEGAL ALIEN SHIT.

IMMIGRATION, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT PERSONALLY.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW MANY PEOPLE SNEAK UP IN THIS COUNTRY.

I ALREADY GOT MY APARTMENT.

BUT I THINK IT'S REAL FUCKED UP YOU GONNA TELL A MEXICAN,

WHO LIVE IN MEXICO, HE CAN'T GO TO NEW MEXICO.

I THINK WE JUST FUCKING WITH THEM.

BUT IT'S GOOD TO BE BLACK RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE THAT IMMIGRATION SHIT IS HOT,

BUT THEY CAN'T PUT THAT SHIT ON US,

BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME EVER

SHIT IS GOING WRONG, NIGGERS, AND WE AIN'T THE SUSPECT.

[APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY WE SNUCK IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

WE HAD A RIDE.

YEAH, IT WAS A FUCKED-UP RIDE, BUT IT WAS A RIDE.

BUT WHAT'S THE NUMBER-ONE EXCUSE, WHAT THEY SAY RIGHT NOW?

WHAT'S THE NUMBER-ONE EXCUSE WHY THEY SAY

THEY CANNOT DEPORT ILLEGAL ALIENS?

'CAUSE ILLEGAL ALIENS ARE DOING JOBS THAT EVEN BLACK PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO.

ALL RIGHT? THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THEY ARE DOING JOBS THAT I WOULDN'T DO FOR THOSE PRICES.

[APPLAUSE]

"NOW, I'LL SELL SOME ORANGES, NIGGER,

"BUT I NEED MORE THAN $5.00 A BAG.

"I CAN'T KEEP MY WOMAN WITH NO ORANGE STAND.

THAT BITCH WILL LEAVE ME."

"AND I'LL CUT YOUR GRASS, BUT YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR OWN LAWN MOWER.

"YOU'RE THE NIGGER WITH THE BIG-ASS YARD.

WHY WOULD YOU BUY THAT HOUSE WITHOUT A LAWN MOWER?"

THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU NIGGERS ARE WHO ARE TALKING ABOUT,

"LET'S GO BACK TO AFRICA."

BUT AFTER SEEING "HOTEL RWANDA"

AND "BLOOD DIAMOND," NIGGER, YOU CAN SELL MY TICKET.

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE, NIGGER.

"I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES WITH THE KLAN.

"I CAN OUTRUN A FAT WHITE-NECK REDNECK MOTHERFUCKER,

BUT I CAN'T OUTRUN NO TUTUS."

THEM NIGGERS GONNA BE BULLSHIT.

[APPLAUSE]

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS WILL CATCH MY BLACK ASS.

I'M ALL OUT OF SHAPE, TOO.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS WILL CATCH ME.

"BEFORE YOU KILL ME, TUTU, I GOT ONE QUESTION.

"HOW DID YOU GET DOWN THAT HILL SO FAST...

"WITH FLIP-FLOPS ON?

"HERE I GOT ON ADIDAS, NIGGER, AND YOU DONE CAUGHT ME

BEFORE I GOT TO THE GOD DAMN TREE."

THAT'S WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE BLACK.

BUT IT'S SERIOUS SHIT.

BUT IT'S GOOD.

I SAY "BLACK." I DON'T SAY "AFRICAN AMERICAN,"

BECAUSE I AIN'T INTO THAT SHIT NO MORE.

I DON'T LIKE HOW WE GOING AS AFRICAN AMERICANS.

CERTAIN SHIT, DON'T FUCK WITH.

JUST LIKE THAT IMUS SHIT.

EVERYBODY GOT MAD ABOUT IMUS SHIT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE SHIT, NIGGER, I LAUGHED,

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT NOBODY THINK ABOUT ME

BUT ONE PERSON. THAT'S GOD.

BUT AS BLACK PEOPLE, THIS SHIT IS TRIPPING ME OUT.

WHO MADE ME MAD WAS AL SHARPTON,

BECAUSE HE GOT ON TV, TALKING ABOUT,

"IMUS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THEM GIRLS WAS NOT HOS

BECAUSE THEY WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF RUTGERS."

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S SOME HOS THAT GO TO RUTGERS."

I'M EARTHQUAKE. I'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- ONE MORE TIME. EARTHQUAKE!

[APPLAUSE]

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME? WELL, ACT LIKE IT.

STAND UP AND LET US KNOW ABOUT IT, Y'ALL.

AND GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAN THAT PUT THIS TOGETHER--

MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS!

[CROWD CHEERING]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

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