Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- YOU GOT TO HAVE MONEY TO TAKE WOMEN TO RESTAURANTS

BECAUSE WOMEN GO TO RESTAURANTS AND LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS.

THEY GOT TO ORDER FROM THAT EXPENSIVE SIDE OF THE MENU,

THE SIDE WITH THE STEAK AND THE LOBSTER

AND THE DOM PERIGNON.

GUYS LIKE TO GIVE THEM THAT LITTLE WARNING, TOO, HUH?

"OOH, HONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT'S THE FUCKING SIDE OF THE MENU.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"YOU ORDER FROM THAT SIDE OF THE MENU, SOMEBODY IS FUCKING YOU.

"UNDERSTAND THAT?

"I'M NOT SAYING IT'S YOU, BUT SOMEBODY WHO LIVE WHERE

"YOU LIVE IS FUCKING ME.

"YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? IT'S STEAK, LOBSTER, AND DICK.

IT IS A COMBINATION. DAMN RIGHT."

I WONDER IF THERE ARE MEN AND WOMEN AT HOME MAKING LOVE.

SHE'S GOING, "GOD, CAN WE STOP NOW?"

"UH-UH, BITCH.

YOU WANTED THEM CHICKEN WINGS, YOU KEEP GOING."

AND YOU HAD A DOGGIE BAG.

THAT MEANS I'M COMING BACK TOMORROW, GODDAMN IT."

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST

D.L. HUGHLEY!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS, WIL SYLVINCE...

CORY FERNANDEZ...

AND TED CARPENTER!

AND YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI!

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- UP ON TOP, MY CAT KID CAPRI DOING HIS THING.

[CHEERING]

YOU DOING HIP-HOP RIGHT, MAN?

'CAUSE HIP-HOP IS IN TROUBLE, MAN.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, Y'ALL DON'T EVEN BUY SONGS.

Y'ALL BUY RINGTONES.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ALL ABOUT?

YOU KNOW THE SAD THING?

THEY BLAME HIP-HOP, LIKE I SAID, THEY BLAME IT

FOR EVERYTHING.

WE'RE A HYPOCRITICAL-ASS COUNTRY, MAN.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T GO TO WAL-MART AND BUY A HIP-HOP ALBUM THAT

GOT PROFANITY OR VIOLENCE, BUT YOU CAN GO TO

WAL-MART AND BUY A GUN.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

CAN'T GET THE NEW 50 CENT JOINT, BUT YOU CAN GET A .357.

AIN'T THAT FUCKED UP?

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANT TO BAN SONGS ABOUT GUNS BUT DON'T

NOBODY WANT TO BAN GUNS.

THAT'S A FUCKING DEAL.

AND Y'ALL KIDS, Y'ALL GOT IT HARDER THAN WE DID.

Y'ALL SOME SOFT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS, I SWEAR TO GOD.

LEAVE KID--WHEN WE WAS GROWING UP, YOU'D LEAVE KIDS

IN THE CAR IN THE SUMMER, AND THEY'D DIE.

WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?

WE GOT LEFT IN THE CAR IN THE SUMMER, WE DIDN'T DIE

BECAUSE HAD A SISTER DRIVING THE FUCKING CAR.

"IT'S HOT. WE'RE IN THE CAR.

"ARE WE GONNA DIE? NOT ME. I'M GETTING OUT THE CAR."

MAMA SAID, "I'M TAKING WHUPPING, BUT I'M OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR.

IT'S HOT OUT HERE."

FUCKING KIDS GOT TO HAVE BICYCLE HELMETS ON WHEN THEY

RIDE A FUCKING BIKE.

CRIBS THAT DON'T FALL APART.

WHEN WE WAS GROWING, WE DIDN'T HAVE NO FUCKING CRIB, NO HIGH

CHAIRS WITH STRAPS.

YOUR MAMA DIDN'T HAVE NO FUCKING HIGH CHAIRS.

SHE'D PUT 3 PHONE BOOKS ON A CHAIR, AND YOUR ASS--EITHER

YOU LEARN HOW TO BALANCE, OR YOU GOT A CONCUSSION.

THAT'S THE WAY THAT SHIT WENT.

"I KNOW YOU'RE 6 MONTHS OLD, BUT DO YOU WANT TO EAT,

"OR DO YOU WANT SOME STITCHES?

I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS."

WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE NO CRIBS.

SOME OF US SLEPT IN A DRESSER DRAWER.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

YOUR DADDY COME IN, "GIVE ME SOME DRAWERS, AND SOMEBODY

CHECK ON THE BABY. SHIT."

EVEN MY SON--MY SON 18.

HE COME TO ME THE OTHER DAY AND SAY, "LOOK, DADDY,

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO GIRLS."

I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT A MUSTANG AND A ROLEX.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO SAY?"

"PULL UP IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL AND PARK, AND SOMEBODY WILL FUCK YOU.

I SWEAR TO GOD THEY WILL."

"YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

LET ME BORROW YOUR CAR AND YOUR WATCH."

Y'ALL READY TO MAKE THIS THING HAPPEN?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THIS CAT IS HAITIAN.

HE'S FROM BROOKLYN, AND THE LAST TIME HE WAS HERE AT "DEF

COMEDY," HE GOT A STANDING OVATION.

ONE OF MY CATS.

PLEASE PUT THEM TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG FOR WIL SYLVINCE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? HOW Y'ALL DOING?

WHERE THE WEST INDIES AT? WEST INDIES, MAKE SOME NOISE!

[CHEERS]

YEAH, MY FAMILY'S FROM HAITI.

THE THING IS, YOU'LL NEVER SEE A HAITIAN PIMP, RIGHT?

BECAUSE TO BE A PIMP, YOUR VOICE GOT TO HAVE THAT

POWER THAT COMMAND WOMEN.

"BITCH, WHERE MY MONEY, HO?"

EVEN PUERTO RICAN PIMPS--[SPEAKING SPANISH]

PUERTO RICANS, WHEN THEY SMACK THEIR WOMEN, THEIR

HANDS SHAKE.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

HAITIANS, WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

Y'ALL SEE A HAITIAN PIMP, THEY HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING

THEIR MONEY BECAUSE THEIR VOICE AIN'T INTIMIDATING.

[HIGH VOICE] "SO YOU TELL ME YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY?

"OH, ARE YOU CRAZY?

"WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY?

"NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME THAT. DON'T TELL ME THAT.

"WE HAVE AGWEEMENT. WE HAVE AGWEEMENT.

"YOU WORK MONDAY, TUESDAY. WHY YOU DOING THIS TO US?

YOU HAVE 4 DAYS TO HAVE MY MONEY, OR I WILL KILL YOUR FACE."

MY DAD USED TO BUY US TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS THAT BENEFITED HIM.

HE GOT US, LIKE, HOUSE UTENSILS, AND HE CALLED THEM

TOYS, LIKE A BROOM OR A MOP.

"HERE, I BOUGHT YOU A NEW TOY. THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY WITH IT."

"ARE YOU WATCHING? I'M HAVING FUN.

"GO AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

I CANNOT HAVE ALL THAT FUN BY MYSELF."

UH-OH. UH-OH. THAT'S THAT SHIT OH.

WE SAY "UH-OH" WHEN WE'RE SHOCKED OR WHEN SOMETHING

SURPRISES US.

"UH-OH.

"HOW LONG YOU WERE STANDING THERE?

WHAT DID YOU SEE?"

YOU, LADIES.

YOU EVER SEE A GUY WITH A LITTLE WEE WEE?

"UH-OH. NO, NO. WE HAVE TO BE FRIENDS.

"THIS A FRIENDSHIP DICK. THIS IS NOT RELATIONSHIP DICK.

UH-OH."

[HIGH VOICE] "WHY YOU--WHY YOU--WHY YOU BRING THIS TO MY HOUSE?

"NO, YOU ARE DISRESPECTING MY PUSSY WITH THIS, OK?

YOU--WHO LET YOU IN HERE?"

UH-OH.

LADIES, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN A GUY BUY YOU A DRINK AND HE

FOLLOW YOU ALL AROUND THE DAMN CLUB?

YOU EVER GIVE THE GUY THE DRINK BACK?

"THANK YOU. THE CLUB IS NICE.

"THE D.J., HE'S NICE-- MOTHERFUCKER, HERE.

"TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT BACK.

WELL, THEN LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE."

GIRL, LET'S TAKE YOUR DAMN DRINK BACK BECAUSE THE WORST

THING IS IF YOU BUY HER A DRINK, SHE TAKE HER DRINK

AND GO DANCING WITH ANOTHER GUY WITH YOUR DRINK.

EVERY 5 MINUTES, SHE LOOK AT YOU AND WAVE.

"BITCH, GIVE ME THAT. THAT WAS FOR US!"

YOU KNOW WHAT WILL KILL YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART?

WHEN YOU SEE HER DANCING WITH THE OTHER GUY, AND THE OTHER

GUY WILL TAKE A SIP OF YOUR SHIT.

"WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOING?

I SHOULD KILL BOTH OF Y'ALL, OR GIVE ME $6.50 EACH."

I'M GONNA START TALKING TO GIRLS IN WHEELCHAIRS.

THEY CAN'T DISRESPECT YOU LIKE--DID YOU EVER SEE A GIRL

DANCING BY HERSELF?

AND YOU WALK UP, "HEY, GIRL. HOW YOU DOING?"

"STUPID, I'M NOT GONNA DANCE WITH YOU," AND SHE TAKE OFF.

BOY, YOU FEEL SO...

EVERYBODY JUST SAW THAT SHIT.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

A GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR, SHE CAN'T GO NOWHERE.

"HEY, GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING? WHERE YOU GOING?

"NO, NO, NO.

"COME BACK, COME BACK, COME BACK.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCH? SLIDE OVER.

I'LL COME WITH YOU. I'LL COME WITH YOU."

"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND STOP PLAYING AROUND!

I'LL PAY YOU $20!"

I DID THAT TO ONE GIRL. SHE GAVE ME HER CHAIR.

SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIR, YOU ASSHOLE."

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK?

WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK?"

NEVER MAKE LOVE TO A GIRL WITH NO FACIAL EXPRESSION.

FELLAS, YOU DOING YOUR THING, LIKE, YEAH.

WHOA! MM-HMM.

WHOO!

BUT SHE AIN'T GOT NOTHING.

SHE GOT THE STONEFACE.

SHE GOT THIS FACE RIGHT HERE. THIS FACE.

[TAPPING MICROPHONE]

AFTER A WHILE, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE RAPING THIS GIRL.

"HEY, YOU OK?

YOU AIN'T GONNA PRESS NO CHARGES OR NOTHING?"

[TAPPING MICROPHONE]

IT'S THE STONE-FACED KILLER!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP ABOUT THAT JOKE?

EVERY GIRL IN HERE KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M TALKING ABOUT,

BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY DON'T DO IT IN YOUR FACE.

THEY DO IT BEHIND YOUR BACK.

IT'S YOUR PUSSY, BABY.

THANKS A LOT. WIL SYLVINCE.

CANDICE, I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- WIL SYLVINCE. FUNNY DUDE. ONE MORE TIME.

THAT'S FUCKED UP THE WAY Y'ALL DO US.

IT'S FUCKED UP.

WHEN FELLAS IS YOUNG, THAT SHIT HURTS YOUR EGO.

IT DON'T HURT MY FUCKING EGO.

"I DIDN'T COME."

"WELL, BITCH, YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT UP."

SHIT, THEY DON'T CALL ME "3 MINUTES OF FURY"

FOR NOTHING, GODDAMN.

NOW, YOU HAVE SEEN THIS CAT ON THE "TEENS OF COMEDY."

FROM NEW YORK, A VERY TALENTED YOUNG CAT.

GIVE IT UP FOR CORY FERNANDEZ.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- SPANISH PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE.

[CHEERING]

PUERTO RICANS, MAKE SOME NOISE.

[SCANT CHEERING]

A'IGHT. THERE AIN'T NO PUERTO RICANS ON THE WEST COAST.

WE GOT SO MANY PUERTO RICANS BACK HOME IN NEW YORK, WE GOT

OUR OWN PARADE.

AND I WENT TO THE PARADE THIS YEAR.

I KNOW THIS FROM GOING THAT BLACK MEN LOVE SPANISH WOMEN

BECAUSE THERE BE MORE BLACKS THAN PUERTO RICANS

AT THAT SHIT.

FOR REAL. ALL THE PUERTO RICANS ARE AT HOME LOOKING

AT THE BLACK PEOPLE ON TV WHO ARE AT THE PARADE.

MY GRANDMOTHER LOOKING AT THE TV LIKE, "YOU NOTICE EVERY

YEAR WE GETTING DARKER?"

AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE PARADE, I ALWAYS SEE SOMEBODY

I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME, BUT THEY WANT TO ACT COOL

WITH ME LIKE WE HANG OUT EVERY DAY.

THIS DUDE SEE ME AT THE PARADE, LIKE, "YO!

"LOOK AT YOU!

"LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE LIKE THIS!

"YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN!

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, A'IGHT?"

HE JUST WALKED OFF.

I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, DAD. WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN?"

HE JUST KEPT WALKING LIKE HE DIDN'T HEAR ME AND SHIT.

I WAS LIKE, "A'IGHT. IT'S FUCKED UP, DAD."

I TRIED TO SNEAK ALCOHOL TO THE PARADE BECAUSE I WANTED TO

GET FUCKED UP, BUT I DIDN'T WANT THE COPS TO FUCK WITH ME,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AROUND WITH OPEN CONTAINERS

OF ALCOHOL, SO YOU GOT TO BE SLICK WITH THAT SHIT.

YOU GOT TO TAKE THE ALCOHOL, PUT IT INTO ANOTHER BOTTLE,

THEN YOU SHOW UP WITH THAT BOTTLE.

NOW I'M AT THE PARADE, FUCKED UP.

COPS ARE STILL HARASSING ME, AND I WAS TOO FUCKED UP TO

REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE I PUT THE HENNESSY IN THE AQUAFINA BOTTLE.

YOU EVER DO THAT STUPID SHIT?

I'M SO FUCKED UP, I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

I'M LIKE, "HA HA HA!"

THE COPS COME OUT, AND I'M LIKE, "CAN I HELP YOU, OFFICER?

"OH, THIS IS WATER. I'M NOT LYING TO YOU.

WHY IS IT BROWN? BECAUSE IT'S FROM MEXICO."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN YOUR JOB SUCKS?

WHEN YOU SEE A MEXICAN QUIT THAT SHIT.

I WAS AT WORK, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK?

THEY DO THAT?"

AND THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW THIS DUDE, HE NEVER SPOKE

ANY ENGLISH.

I GO TO WORK, I'M LIKE, "YO, JUAN, CAN I BORROW $5.00, MAN?

"I JUST LEFT MY WALLET AT THE CRIB.

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME LUNCH."

"NO HABLA INGLES."

"SORRY. I MEAN, LO SIENTOS."

THE DAY HE QUIT, I'M LIKE, "YO, JUAN, WHERE YOU GOING?"

"MAN, FUCK THIS. I'M OUT OF HERE, MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.

FUCK THAT."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, THIS JOB SUCKS."

BECAUSE MEXICANS GOT TO BE THE HARDEST WORKERS.

YO, I WENT TO CANADA.

I SAW A MEXICAN IN CANADA.

I WAS LIKE, "YO. THIS DUDE IS NICE.

HOW DID HE SNEAK ACROSS THE BORDER TWICE?"

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT SKILLS."

HE WAS SNEAKING OFF INTO CANADA LIKE THIS.

HE WAS LIKE, "MAN, FUCK THE U.S. I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE."

"I NEED BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD."

"SHIT, WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET SICK?

FUCK THAT."

I'M SPANISH. I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH.

THAT SHIT SUCKS.

FUCKING FAMILY TALKING BEHIND MY BACK IN FRONT OF MY FACE!

I'M LOOKING AT MY UNCLE LIKE, "I KNOW HE'S TALKING SHIT

ABOUT ME, BUT I CAN'T PROVE THAT SHIT."

I'M IN SPANISH CLASS, CHEATING OFF OF THE CHINESE DUDE.

HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I FEEL SORRY

FOR YOUR MOTHER."

"YOU FEEL SORRY FOR WHO?" "NOTHING."

IT'S COOL, MAN. YOU KNOW, I'M ASHAMED THAT I CAN'T SPEAK

SPANISH, SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME TO TRANSLATE STUFF, I DON'T

TELL THEM I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH.

I MAKE SHIT UP.

I JUST MAKE SHIT UP.

I'LL BE IN THE CLUB.

SOME REGGAE SONG COME ON.

GIRLS COME AND SAY, "WHAT IS HE SAYING?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING?

"THAT DUDE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

LISTEN TO THAT SHIT, STUPID."

WHO MASTURBATES IN HERE? KEEP IT REAL.

[A FEW CHEERS]

RUSSELL SIMMONS RAISED HIS HAND.

A'IGHT.

MAN, I TOOK MASTURBATING TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

I MASTURBATED TO PORN ON THE INTERNET.

THAT SHIT IS SAD.

LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW SAD THAT SHIT IS.

WHEN YOU GET SO INTO THE PORN, YOU LEAVE THE MOUSE ALONE

FOR TOO LONG, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF YOU MASTURBATING,

THE FUCKING SCREEN SAVER POPS UP.

ONE MINUTE, YOU LOOKING AT ASS AND TITTIES, THE NEXT MINUTE

YOU LOOKING AT WINDOWS XP.

AND THAT SHIT CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD, Y'ALL.

I'M CHILLING IN THE CRIB, DOING MY THING.

I'M LIKE, "AH, SHIT."

IF YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH SOMEBODY, CHANGE THE SCREEN

SAVER ITSELF SO INSTEAD OF IT SAYING, LIKE, WINDOWS, CHANGE

THAT SHIT TO A PICTURE OF JESUS LIKE THIS.

HOLY SHIT!

YO, MAN, Y'ALL BEEN WONDERFUL, MAN.

I'M CORY FERNANDEZ. THANK YOU.

ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO MY MAN CORY FERNANDEZ.

FUNNY YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH.

HEY, YO, KID.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOUR SON.

HE'S AN OUTSTANDING YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER.

FUCKED UP THE WAY YOU DID HIM AT THE PARADE, YOU SON

OF A BITCH.

- BITCH.

- KEEP THAT SHIT UP, YOU GONNA BE RIGHT BACK D.J.ing ICE

CREAM TRUCKS, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

- BITCH.

- I CAN'T STAND LIGHT-SKINNED PEOPLE.

I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T.

YOU BEIGE FUCKER.

YOU JUST MAD BECAUSE YOUR COLOR AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX.

BITCH!

NOW, THIS CAT HERE IS A "DEF JAM" LEGEND IN EVERY SENSE

OF THE WORD.

WHEN I STARTED OUT YEARS AGO, HE WAS THE ONLY COMIC THAT

RIPPED THE STAGE SO HARD, I WENT TO THE

BATHROOM AND PRAYED.

HE IS INDEED A "DEF JAM" LEGEND AND A GREAT

FRIEND OF MINE.

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TEDDY CARPENTER!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LOUDER CHEERING]

- YOU GOT TO LOVE ME. YOU GOT TO LOVE ME!

16 YEARS, MOTHERFUCKING 8 MONTHS, AND 23 DAYS TO GET

ON THE BIGGEST STAGE IN THE WORLD, WHICH IS "DEF JAM,"

AND THAT'S ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GONNA GIVE ME?

[CHEERING]

COME ON, MAN.

SHIT.

COME ON, MAN.

I SEE WHITE FOLKS SCATTERED IN "DEF JAM," TRYING TO GET YOUR

STREET CREDIT UP.

"YOU KNOW, I WAS AT DEF JAM, DUDE."

I'M TELLING YOU WHITE FOLKS, I'M TELLING YOU, START HANGING

WITH BLACK FOLKS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW TO BE THE TRUTH.

YOU ARE IN THE SAFEST PLACE YOU CAN BE AMONGST A GROUP

OF NIGGAS.

THE SAFEST PLACE--I KNOW YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT THE SAFEST

PLACE--YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE BLACK FOLKS DON'T DIE IN GROUPS.

NIGGAS DON'T DIE IN GROUPS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A GROUP OF NIGGAS DYING?

KATRINA COULDN'T KILL A GROUP OF NIGGAS.

SOMEBODY COULD COME IN AND SHOOT THIS WHOLE PLACE UP.

ONE NIGGA MIGHT DIE.

EVERYBODY ELSE BE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT TALKING ABOUT,

"I SAW THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHEN HE CAME IN.

I KNEW THAT NIGGA WAS CRAZY WHEN HE--DID Y'ALL SEE HIM?

I SAW HIM, I SWEAR TO GOD."

BIG GIRLS. I LOVE BIG GIRLS.

WHERE MY BIG GIRLS AT IN HERE?

[CHEERING]

YEAH, MAN. BECAUSE THE BIG GIRLS IS DOWN WITH YOU NO

MATTER WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO COME UP WITH.

NO MATTER HOW FREAKY YOU THINK YOU ARE,

BIG GIRLS DOWN WITH YOUR ASS.

I LOVE THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I LIKED BIG GIRLS.

I WAS IN McDONALD'S ONE TIME.

DROPPED MY FRENCH FRIES, BIG BITCH CAUGHT THEM

IN MID-AIR.

JUST CAUGHT THEM AND LOOKED AT ME SAYING, "NIGGA, THERE'S NO

REASON TO WASTE GOOD FOOD."

I SAID, "GODDAMN."

I TOOK THAT MOTHERFUCKER HOME, SHE WENT, "$2.75 FOR NO FUCKING

REASON AT ALL."

BIG BITCH JUST SLID.

SHE JUST SLID IN THE DOORWAY, JUST SLID.

YOU KNOW? CAME IN THE HOUSE.

SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA GO GET ON YOUR BED," AND I GOT SCARED.

I SAID, "NO, SIR. YOU LAY YOUR

ASS ON THE FLOOR."

SOMETHING GONNA GIVE, YOU KNOW.

THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER LAY DOWN.

TITTIES FELL BETWEEN HER ARMPITS.

LOOKED AT ME DEAD IN MY EYE AND SAID, "NIGGA, GET UP

THERE. GET UP THERE!"

I SAID, "SHIT, I AIN'T NO FUCKING PUNK."

I WENT AND GOT UP ON HER.

I CLIMBED UP ON THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU KNOW, LOOKED OFF THE SIDE.

I'VE NEVER FUCKED FROM THIS HIGH UP.

FEET DANGLING ALL OFF.

I SAID, "LOOK, I CAN'T FUCK YOU

"FROM UP HERE, BUT IF YOU TURN OVER, I'LL PUT

YOUR BIG ASS TO SLEEP."

THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER SAID [BLOWS INTO MICROPHONE].

OH, MAN, SHE TURN THAT THING OVER.

YOU KNOW, SHE TURNED OVER.

SHE DIDN'T TURN NO RIGHT AWAY.

YOU KNOW, HAD TO GET A LITTLE MOMENTUM BEHIND HER AND TURN

THAT ASS OVER AND SQUISHED UP.

GOT IN A DOGGIE-STYLE POSITION.

LOOKED LIKE A SMALL VOLKSWAGEN.

I SAID, "LORD, I'M ABOUT TO FUCK

A FULL-SIZED VEHICLE IN MY HOUSE."

CLICKED THE LIGHTS AND GOT MY STUFF READY.

WALKED UP. IT WAS DARK.

I EASED UP ON HER. FELT A LITTLE WET CREASE.

I SAID, "YES, SIR, THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS."

DIDN'T HESITATE. YOU GOT TO GO AT A BIG GIRL.

I JUST PULLED HER TO ME. "AAH!"

OH, NIGGA, I WENT TO WORK.

I WAS JUST TEARING THAT ASS UP.

LOST 5 POUNDS FUCKING WITH THIS BIG GIRL.

AN HOUR LATER, I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

SHE SAID, "TED, YOU ARE A BEAST, NIGGA.

"YOU ARE A BEAST.

"BUT MAMA READY NOW, SO YOU GONNA HAVE TO GO AND PUT

THAT DICK IN. I'M READY."

"YOU CRAZY AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

"I LOST 15 POUNDS FUCKING WITH YOU, BIG GIRL.

YOU LYING TO A MOTHERFUCKER."

I CLICKED THE LIGHT ON, TURNED AROUND, COME TO FIND OUT I

HAVE STUCK MY DICK IN HER SIDE.

AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME BIG GIRLS SWEAT IN THE RIBCAGE.

I HAVE BEEN FUCKING HER IN THE RIBS FOR 45 MINUTES.

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THEM THE BEST RIBS I HAVE EVER HAD.

I LOVE A FULL-SIZE--AND I DON'T CARE.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE THE FINEST MOTHERFUCKING--YOU KNOW WHAT?

COME HERE. COME HERE, SWEETIE.

COME HERE. COME HERE, GIRL.

SHOW YOU NIGGAS HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A BIG GIRL.

FINE. SO GO ON AND SIT DOWN. DON'T BE SO ANXIOUS.

PUT BOTH YOUR FEETS UP.

THAT THING GONNA HOLD YOU. GO ON, GET UP THERE.

HEY, KID, DO ME A FAVOR. DO ME A FAVOR IF YOU CAN.

DO ME A FAVOR.

GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT'LL PUT ME AND--WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART?

- MYRA.

- ME AND MYRA BETTER IN THE MOOD, YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST GONNA ROMANCE HER, SEE IF I CAN GET SOME AFTER

"DEF JAM."

IS THAT COOL?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

[PLAYING SLOW MUSIC]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

ONE MORE TIME, MY NAME IS TEDDY CARPENTER.

I LOVE YOU!

"DEF JAM," YOU ARE THE BEST.

BOB SUMNER, I LOVE YOU.

- GIVE IT TO HIM, MY MAN TEDDY CARPENTER.

TEDDY'S IN THE BACK, GETTING READY TO LAY DOWN

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?

[CHEERING]

THAT AIN'T WHAT I SAID. Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?

STAND UP.

PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE,

RUSSELL SIMMONS!

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪

♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪

♪ DEF, DEF, DEF, DEF ♪

♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪

♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0