Original subtitles

- Y'ALL LIKE CHINESE FOOD?

SEE, THEY GOT THE LITTLE CHINESE RESTAURANTS

IN THE BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU KNOW CHINESE CAN COME TO OUR HOOD

AND MAKE SOME MONEY, BOY.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD

ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY.

YOU JUST RIDE DOWN THE STREET.

BE A CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE, CHINESE PLACE.

CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE, CHINESE PLACE.

CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE, CHECK CASHING PLACE.

CHINESE PLACE BE RIGHT THERE.

YOU EVER TRIP WHILE ORDERING CHINESE FOOD HOW LONG IT TAKE

THEM TO SAY IN CHINESE THE SAME THING YOU JUST SAID?

YOU LIKE, "YEAH, DAWG. LET ME GET A SMALL ORDER OF

SHRIMP FRIED RICE. THAT'S IT."

"SMALL ORDER SHRIMP FRIED?"

"YEAH, DAWG. THAT'S IT."

"ME HOLLER FOR YOU."

[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]

"YOU WANT EGG ROLL?"

"NO, PARTNER. I AIN'T GOT THE TIME.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO"...

I'M CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST

D.L. HUGHLEY!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

ROY WOOD JR...

KYLE GROOMS...

AND RUSSELL PETERS!

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI!

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST!

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- HEY, NO. HOW Y'ALL DOING, L.A.?

HA HA HA!

ALL RIGHT. ONE MORE TIME FOR MY MAN KID CAPRI.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT, HUH?

THOUGHT THEY WAS GIVING AWAY FREE FOOD OR SOME SHIT.

I'M SURPRISED SO MANY PEOPLE HERE.

GAS COST MORE THAN COCAINE, DON'T IT?

I'M NOT SAYING I KNOW.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S HIGH.

GAS SO HIGH, I SAW TWO BROTHERS STANDING

IN THE DRIVE-THRU.

"FUCK YOU. SHIT. I"...

SO Y'ALL MARRIED OR JUST FUCKING AROUND?

MOTHERFUCKER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU ON MEDICATION, MOTHERFUCKER?

WHAT IS IT?

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER."

HOW YOU DOING, BABY?

LOOKING ENOUGH TO SEASONS GREENS WITH.

LOOK AT YOU.

I LIKE--SEE, I DON'T LIKE A PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU.

GOT TOO MUCH FUCKING SELF- ESTEEM

AND DREAMS AND SHIT. FUCK THAT.

I LIKE A WOMAN BEEN SCUFFED UP BY LIFE.

NOW SHE MORE REALISTIC.

SHE USED TO WANT A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

NOW SHE'LL SETTLE OR A MOTHERFUCKER ON A MOPED,

JUST SOMEBODY, JUST...

HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN OUT?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER...

YOU ALL TOGETHER?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, A FIELD TRIP?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

GOT THAT JEHOVAH WITNESS SHIRT ON, HUH?

GONNA KEEP YOUR ASS HERE GOOD AND LATE.

THAT WAY WE CAN GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL BE OVER AT YOUR HOUSE EARLY

IN THE MORNING. "YOU KNOW GOD?"

"I KNOW GOD IS ASLEEP RIGHT NOW.

WHERE THE FUCK HE IS."

HOW YOU DOING, BIG MAN?

EVERYTHING TIGHT ON THIS FUCKER, TIGHT!

EVERYTHING A TURTLENECK WITH THIS--

[GAGS]

"SHIT. I'M HOT."

[WHEEZES]

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU GONNA CHASE ME.

I'LL RUN AND DROP FRENCH FRIES BEHIND MY ASS.

YOU GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE.

"OH, OH."

WHAT DO YOU DO, BIG MAN?

- I WORK FOR THE COUNTY. - YOU WORK FOR THE COUNTY?

OH, SHIT!

YOU AIN'T A SHERIFF OR NOTHING, ARE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THE COUNTY?

- HANDLE THEIR BENEFITS. - YOU HANDLE THEIR BENEFITS?

MOTHERFUCKER, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T RUN THE REHAB PROGRAM?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER--

"I WORK FOR THE COUNTY."

WHAT DO YOU DO?

"TEST THEIR MEDICATION. MM, MM."

HE DON'T EVEN KNOW HE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH.

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING?

ALL RIGHT. HE HAILS FROM BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA.

GIVE IT UP TO ROY WOOD JR.!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- QUIT CLAPPING. I'M SMILING TO HIDE THE PAIN, MAN.

GOING THROUGH SOME DATING DRAMA RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I CAN'T DATE--YOU EVER BEEN ON A DATE SO BAD THE GIRL MAKE

YOU DROP HER OFF AT ANOTHER DUDE HOUSE?

YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH THAT?

OK. I'M THE ONLY ONE GONNA OPEN UP TONIGHT?

I'M SPENDING MORE TIME IN L.A. NOW, MAN.

A LOT MORE LATINOS.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S MORE LATINOS IN AMERICAN THAN BLACK PEOPLE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, BLACK FOLKS?

YEAH. WE LOSING.

YOU KNOW, SOME BLACK FOLKS GET UPSET ABOUT THAT.

THEY DON'T LIKE THE WHOLE LATINO BOOM. THEY GET ALL MAD.

"WELL, YOU KNOW, ROY, THE ONLY REASON MEXICANS OVER HERE IS

"BECAUSE OF WHAT BLACK FOLKS DID IN THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.

WE PAVED THE WAY."

WHICH MIGHT BE TRUE, BUT WASN'T THAT THE PURPOSE

OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?

I MEAN, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,

BUT WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT

TO BE SURE THAT EVERYBODY COULD GET SOME RIGHTS?

YOU CAN'T MARCH FOR EQUAL RIGHTS AND THEN GET JEALOUS

WHEN ANOTHER RACE START TRYING TO GET RIGHTS.

WHAT KIND OF DUMB SHIT--

I HEARD MARTIN LUTHER KING'S "I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH.

IT WASN'T NO PUERTO RICAN DISCLAIMER AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE SPEECH. HE DIDN'T--

"I HAVE A DREAM. BLACKS AND PROTESTANTS,

"JEWS AND GENTILES, BUT NO CUBANS

"UNLESS THEY PICK SOME FRUIT OR GOT A CURVE BALL.

I HAVE A DREAM."

I THINK IT'S COOL THAT LATINOS COVER AND PICK FRUIT

AND DO YARD WORK.

THAT'S PART OF AMERICA'S HAZING.

YOU GOT TO CHIP IN.

YOU GOT TO PICK SOME SHIT.

THAT'S HISTORY. LOOK AT THE INDIANS.

INDIANS DID YARD WORK.

BLACK PEOPLE DID YARD WORK.

IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT LATINOS COME OVER AND GET

A ORANGE OR A TOMATO.

GO PICK THAT SHIT.

WELCOME TO AMERICA.

HERE'S YOUR BAG.

FIELD NUMBER 7.

WELCOME.

YOU GOT TO CHIP IN AND PICK SOME FRUIT.

THAT'S WHY I TRIP OFF OF ARABS.

EVERY TIME A MOVIE COME OUT WITH A ARAB TERRORIST,

ARABS GET ALL PISSED OFF.

"THE AMERICAN MOVIE PORTRAY THE ARAB AS TERRORISTS.

"WHY DO YOU DO THAT DO THE ARAB PEOPLE?

"THE MUSLIM RELIGION PEACEFUL RELIGION, BUT THE AMERICAN

"MOVIE ONLY PERPETUATE THE POST-9-11 STEREOTYPE.

"YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR THE ARAB PEOPLE TO THRIVE

"IN THIS COUNTRY.

"WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO THE ARAB PEOPLE?

"THE ARAB PEOPLE DO NOT DESERVE IT.

WHY--WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO THE ARAB?"

BECAUSE YOU AIN'T PICKED NO FRUIT, HO!

PICK SOME FRUIT!

PICK SOME FRUIT!

ASIANS GET A PASS BECAUSE THEY GAVE US JACKIE CHAN, AND I

LIKE JACKIE CHAN, SO...

HEH HEH!

YEAH.

THIS COUNTRY IS SO RACIALLY TENSE NOWADAYS.

BLACK FOLKS, LET ME JUST SAY THIS REAL QUICK.

EVERYTHING THAT YOU THINK IS RACISM ISN'T RACISM.

RACISM STILL EXISTS, BUT DON'T BE SO QUICK TO HIT

THE RACISM BUZZER.

EVERYTHING THAT BAD THAT HAPPEN TO YOU AIN'T

BECAUSE YOU BLACK.

THERE'S STILL STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS.

YOU KNOW, YOU BE IN A FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT,

BLACK DUDE ORDER A 6-PIECE CHICKEN NUGGET.

THERE'S 5 NUGGETS IN THE BOX.

THIS BROTHER TURN INTO NELSON MANDELA RIGHT THERE.

"THEM WHITE FOLKS BACK THERE EATING OUR NUGGETS.

HELL, NO!"

IT'S NOT RACISM.

THEY CAN'T COUNT TO 6.

YOU GOT TO ORDER A 4 AND A 2.

I THINK WHITE PEOPLE THAT LIKE BLACK PEOPLE, HONESTLY,

THEY SHOULD GET SOME SORT OF WRIST BAND OR HAND STAMP

OR SOMETHING.

I'M SERIOUS, SOMETHING YOU CAN SHOW IN A DARK ALLEY TO KEEP

FROM GETTING ROBBED, SOMETHING CONVENIENT TO LET BLACK FOLKS

KNOW THAT YOU DOWN WITH THE CAUSE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SEE THAT, BLACK FOLKS?

THAT WAY YOU AIN'T GOT TO JUDGE WHITE PEOPLE WHEN YOU SEE THEM.

"I WONDER IF HE'S A RACIST." YOU'LL KNOW.

YOU COMING OUT TO YOUR CAR AFTER THE SHOW, TWO

BROTHERS JUMP OUT.

"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY, WHITE BOY."

"WHOA! AH, AH, AH!"

"GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

"LET HER GO, CHUCKY.

"SHE GOT THE WRISTBAND, CHUCKY.

"LET HER GO.

IT'S ALL GOOD."

I'M GOING THROUGH SOME TRAUMA RIGHT NOW.

I JUST HAD THE JOY OF BEING A PASSENGER DURING A TRAFFIC

STOP FOR THE FIRST TIME.

YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH THAT?

YOU EVER BE IN THE CAR WITH YOUR BUDDY, YOUR BUDDY GET

PULLED OVER?

WHAT DO I DO AS A PASSENGER DURING THE TRAFFIC STOP?

WHAT DO I DO?

DO I RUN, DO I SWALLOW THE DOPE?

WHAT OBLIGATION DO I HAVE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG

NEVER COVERED THAT.

THAT WAS NEVER A TOPIC IN THE McGRUFF COLORING BOOK.

YOU REMEMBER McGRUFF, THAT STUPID-ASS DOG

GIVE YOU THEM TIPS?

"DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS.

"DON'T EAT CANDY FROM STRANGERS.

IF A STRANGER KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR"--

NOW WHAT DO I DO HAVE A POUND OF WEED THAT'S NOT

MINE, McGRUFF?

STUPID-ASS DOG.

BUTT-NAKED, TRENCH COAT, PEDOPHILE-LOOKING--

McGRUFF WAS A PEDOPHILE.

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.

BUTT-NAKED DOG IN A TRENCH COAT PASSING OUT CRAYONS.

BUT IT WAS TRIPPY WHEN WE GOT PULLED OVER BECAUSE I KNEW MY

PARTNER WAS IN MORE TROUBLE THAN ME BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING

THE POLICE TOO LONG TO RUN HIS LICENSE THROUGH THE RADIO.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER DONE NOTHING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE,

A COP RUN YOUR LICENSE, IT DON'T TAKE BUT 5 SECONDS TO

GET THE ALL CLEAR TO SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY.

HE GET YOUR LICENSE, HE LOOK AT IT.

"357 SCABADAW."

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

"SCABADAW. TWO. GONNA BE MALE, BLACK, WOOD JR., ROY.

D.O.B. VICTOR-VICTOR 473 ALPHA-CHARLES-LIMA.

COME BACK ON A SCABADAW."

"SCABADAW. STAND BY."

"10-4. STAT."

"SCABADAW. 3."

"SCABADAW. GO AHEAD."

"BACK UP EN ROUTE. SCABADAW. 3.

"SUSPECT ALL CLEAR. LET HIM GO.

LET THAT NEGRO GO. 10-4?"

[MAKES CLICKING SOUNDS]

"YOU'RE FREE TO GO, SIR."

YEAH. THAT'S IF YOU'RE ALL CLEAR.

YOU EVER DONE SOMETHING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE, THE COP RUN YOUR

LICENSE, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THIS LONG PAUSE WHILE

DISPATCH TYPES UP EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE EVER DONE.

YOU CAN CALL THAT A PAUSE.

BACK IN BIRMINGHAM, WE CALL THAT A HEAD START.

YOU NEED TO RUN.

HA HA!

THE COP STARTS LAUGHING IN YOUR FACE.

THE POLICE LET YOU KNOW WHEN TO TAKE OFF.

THEY LAUGH RIGHT IN YOUR FACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE--

"3527 SCABADAW."

"SCABADAW 352. WAITING.

COME BACK. SCABADAW."

"SCABADAW. TWO. GONNA BE WOOD JR., ROY,

"WOOD JR., ROY.

"VICTOR-VICTOR CODE 6.

"D.O.B 12-11 ADAM-ADAM TWO CHARLES TWO LIMA

VICTOR-CHARLES-LINCOLN. SCABADAW."

"SCABADAW. STAND BY."

"10-4. STAT.

SIT TIGHT, BRO."

"KEEP YOUR HANDS--KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I--

YOU SIT TIGHT."

"SCABADAW. 3." "SCABADAW. GO AHEAD."

"BACKUP EN ROUTE. BEAT THAT ASS, BEAT THAT ASS."

APPRECIATE IT, "DEF JAM."

THANK YOU A LOT, MAN.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN ROY WOOD JR.

VERY FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S FUNNY, MAN. HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THE POLICE.

WE HEARD THEM SOUNDS, A COUPLE OF BROTHERS IN HERE WENT,

"OH, SHIT."

POLICE ALWAYS FUCKING WITH YOU.

YOU EVER BE RIDING WITH A MOTHERFUCKER

AND THE POLICE BEHIND YOU.

"HEY, MAN. THE POLICE BEHIND US.

DON'T LOOK."

WHAT DO HIS DUMB ASS--

"OH, I DON'T SEE NO POLICE!"

"MOTHERFUCKER, BECAUSE THEY'RE IN THE CAR NOW. SHIT."

YOU EVER HAVE A MOTHERFUCKER LAY SOME INFORMATION ON YOU

YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHEN YOU GOT IN THE CAR?

"YOU KNOW I GOT A GUN."

"NO, MOTHERFUCKER. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A GUN, BUT AS

"SOON AS THEY STOP, THEY GONNA KNOW.

"I'M TELLING ON YOUR ASS.

FUCK YOU. SHIT. I GOT WARRANTS."

YOU EVER--THAT'S A BIG THING IN L.A. YOU GOT WARRANTS, MAN.

YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR NAME BECAUSE YOU GOT WARRANTS,

AND THEN THE NAME YOU CHANGED GOT WORSE SHIT THAN

YOU REALLY DO?

YOU'RE LIKE...

"HEY, I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY, OFFICER.

"I JUST DIDN'T PAY MY TICKET, YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST

MOTHERFUCKERS DO."

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING?

ALL RIGHT. I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THIS IS A FUNNY DUDE.

HE'S A FORMER A GRAFFITI ARTIST WHO TRADED CANS

OF SPRAY-PAINT FOR PUNCH LINES.

FROM NEW JERSEY, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST CATS IN THE COUNTRY.

GIVE IT UP TO KYLE GROOMS!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- OH, DAMN. HA HA HA!

I LOVE HIP-HOP. IT FEED MY SPIRIT, MAN.

I HOPE WHEN I DIE THEY PLAY A LITTLE HIP-HOP AT MY

FUNERAL AND SHIT.

PUT ME IN MY COFFIN IN A B-BOY STANCE.

HAVE A D.J.

"WHERE BROOKLYN AT?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT?"

I'LL JUMP OUT MY COFFIN.

"RIGHT HERE, NIGGER."

AND I'M FROM JERSEY, SO THAT'S HOW DEEP THAT SHIT IS.

I USED TO BE A GRAFFITI ARTIST.

THAT WAS MY THING, YOU KNOW?

I'D SNEAK OUT LATE AT NIGHT, SPRAY-PAINTING

ON PEOPLE'S PROPERTY.

YEAH. THAT SHIT WAS COOL UNTIL I BOUGHT PROPERTY.

ONCE I GOT A CRIB, SHIT HAD TO CHANGE GODDAMN IT.

THEY KEEP FUCKING WITH HIP-HOP.

THEY DON'T LIKE THE LANGUAGE HIP-HOPPERS USE AND SHIT.

I LOVE STREET LANGUAGE BECAUSE STREET LANGUAGE SAYS WHAT I

REALLY WANT TO SAY IN MY HEART BECAUSE, YOU KNOW--I KNOW HOW

TO SPEAK THE KING'S ENGLISH, BUT IF SOMEBODY KICK ME

IN THE NUTS, I'M GONNA SAY, "FUCK!"

NOT NO, "OH, DEAR."

"YOU HAVE KICKED ME IN THE TESTICLES."

STOP FUCKING WITH THE LANGUAGE, MAN.

SOME OF THE BEST POETRY GOT DIRTY WORDS IN IT AND SHIT--

BITCH, HO, NIGGER, ALL THAT SHIT, BUT THAT SHIT IS HOT

WHEN YOU IN THE CLUB.

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

"EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU LADIES LIKE TO DANCE?"

"WELL, COME ON."

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ DO DO DO DO ♪

LOVE HIP-HOP, MAN. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE WORDS.

LIKE, "NIGGER" IS DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY,

THE WORD "NIGGER."

KRAMER SAID, "NIGGER," PEOPLE GOT FUCKED UP.

PEOPLE CAME AND "OH, MY GOD.

"KRAMER SAID THE N-WORD.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?"

I WAS LIKE, "HOW DO I FEEL?

"UH, FUCK THAT NIGGER.

"YOU CAN'T KILL ME WITH A WORD.

THERE'S WORDS THAT HURT ME WORSE THAN NIGGER."

WORDS LIKE "ALGEBRA."

ALGEBRA KICKED MY ASS FOR YEARS.

"NIGGER"--YOU CAN SHAKE THAT OFF, BUT ALGEBRA HAD YOU

IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

I NEED MY TIME, YOU KNOW?

YOU WORRIED ABOUT A WORD?

THAT'S HOW YOU TRAIN A DOG WITH WORD.

YOU TEACH A DOG A WORD THAT FUCK HIS SPIRIT UP, SO AS SOON

AS HE HEAR IT, HE...ARF!

BE LIKE, SIT! AAH!

STAY. AAH!

NIGGER. OHH!

YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEEN DEBATE WHAT TO CALL BLACK PEOPLE.

ARE WE AFRICAN-AMERICAN, ARE WE COLORED, ARE WE

JIGABOOS, ALL THIS SHIT.

IF I CAN'T BE A HUMAN, MY FAVORITE IS BLACK.

I LIKE BLACK BECAUSE BLACK SOUNDS STRONG, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

I'M BLACK LIKE THE UNIVERSE.

I'M A BLACK MAN, BUT MY NAME IS KYLE.

IT'S HARD TO GET RESPECT IN THE STREETS WHEN YOUR NAME IS

KYLE AND SHIT BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BE SCARED IF KYLE

WERE AFTER YOU.

RIGHT, A DUDE WALK UP, "YO, MAN, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.

KYLE'S LOOKING FOR YOU."

YOU GO, "KYLE?

THE NIGGER WITH THE GLASSES?"

"I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS.

"CALL ME WHEN TYRONE LOOKING FOR ME.

NOT SCARED OF KYLE."

THANK YOU. HEH HEH HEH!

AMERICA'S A COOL PLACE.

WE TRYING TO GET ALONG AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW, WE TRYING TO FLOW.

LIKE, I'M LOOKING AT THIS ROOM.

WE GOT A MIXED GROUP IN HERE.

WE LIKE A BAG OF SKITTLES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

WE TRYING. WE ALMOST BECAME AMERICANS 9-11 BECAUSE WE ALL

CAME TOGETHER 9-11.

THAT WAS WHAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEN KATRINA HIT, WE WERE

BACK TO NIGGERS AND CRACKERS AND SHIT.

IT WAS SOME WEIRD SHIT.

YO.

BECAUSE LIKE SEPTEMBER--LIKE SEPTEMBER 11 HAPPENED.

SEPTEMBER 12, I WAS READY.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAD THE COMMERCIALS--

"I AM AN AMERICAN," AND A WHITE PERSON COME OUT,

"I AM AN AMERICAN."

A BLACK PERSON, "I AM AN AMERICAN."

THEN THEY SHOW A IMMIGRANT, HE BE LIKE, "I AM AN AMERICA!"

AND WE LOOK AT HIM LIKE, "NAW."

"YOU BETTER SHOW ME A BIRTH CERTIFICATE."

"I'M CALLING IMMIGRATION ON YOUR ASS.

AN AMERICAN LOOKING THAT?"

I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE I GET

OUT OF HERE.

BARACK OBAMA.

OK. I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT HIM.

SEEMS LIKE AN INTERESTING DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HIS POLITICS, I DON'T, BUT HE JUST

SEEM LIKE SUCH A NICE GUY.

EVERY TIME I SEE HIM ON TV, HE'S SO POSITIVE.

"ONE QUESTION PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME, THEY SAY, BARACK HUSSEIN

"OBAMA, WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?

"BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A TERRORIST, BUT I TELL THEM

"THAT I'M NO TERRORIST.

"JUST LOOK AT MY SMILE.

"I HAVE ALL 32 TEETH-- INCISORS, MOLARS, BICUSPIDS,

"AND MY FAVORITE WISDOM BECAUSE IT'S GONNA TAKE WISDOM IF

"AMERICA IS GONNA GO INTO THE FUTURE.

"SO BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS NOT A TERRORIST NAME.

"IT'S A SWAHILI NAME.

IT MEANS NIGGER WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT."

"HOPE I CAN COUNT ON YOUR VOTE."

I'M KYLE GROOMS. THANK Y'ALL FOR LISTENING TO ME.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

ALL RIGHT.

- ONE MORE TIME FOR MY MAN KYLE GROOMS!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT.

"NIGGER WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT."

I--

LOOK AT ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE.

"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EITHER."

MY SON'S NAME IS KYLE.

HE RIGHT. THAT IS A FUCKED UP NAME.

I TOLD MY WIFE NOT TO NAME HIM THAT.

YOU CAN'T GO TO INGLEWOOD NAMED KYLE.

CAN'T DO THAT SHIT.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLAYING THE FLUTE AT SCHOOL.

THE FLUTE IS THE GAYEST INSTRUMENT IN THE WHOLE

FUCKING WORLD.

THE FLUTE IS THE SOUNDTRACK FOR A ASS-WHUPPING.

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCKING FLUTE IS.

WOMEN ARE ALL, "AREN'T YOU PROUD HE'S PLAYING A INSTRUMENT?"

NOT ONE THAT'S SHAPED LIKE A DICK.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. SHIT.

ALL RIGHT. HE IS THE FIRST EAST INDIAN TO HEADLINE

AND SELL OUT THE APOLLO THEATER.

I SAW THIS CAT IN LONDON MANY, MANY YEARS AGO.

HE'S A TALENTED YOUNG CAT.

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.

MAKING HIS DEBUT-- MR. RUSSELL PETERS!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- THANKS, KID.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M INDIAN, FOLKS.

I DON'T WANT YOU SITTING THERE FUCKING TRYING TO

FIGURE IT OUT.

I LIKE TO LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME

BECAUSE THEY GET REAL CONFUSED BECAUSE EVERYBODY SAYS WHITE

PEOPLE ARE RACISTS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT--LIKE, WITH BLACK

PEOPLE, YOU KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THEM.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE A WHITE GUY YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING.

WHEN I SEE A WHITE GUY, I LIKE TO LOOK AT THE LOOK

ON HIS FACE GOING...

"I WANT TO RACIALLY ABUSE THIS GUY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT

FUCKING RACE TO GO WITH."

I'M INDIAN.

CONVENIENCE STORE, NOT CASINO JUST FOR THE RECORD.

WE, UM--

THE REAL INDIAN, THE ONES THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, BROWN IS NOW THE NEW BLACK.

YOU GUYS ARE OFF THE HOOK.

YOU SHOULD THANK MY PEOPLE FOR THIS SHIT.

YOU CAN WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT NOW--A BLACK GUY CAN

WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT WITH A BIG-ASS BAG OF WEED,

AND SECURITY WILL BE LIKE, "HEY."

AND THE BLACK GUY WOULD BE LIKE, "HEY. LOOK.

A BROWN GUY."

"SORRY, SIR. GO AHEAD."

RACISM'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE IN AMERICA IT'S ALWAYS

ABOUT BLACK AND WHITE, BUT YOU GUYS SEEM TO FORGET EVERYBODY SUFFERS RACISM.

IF YOU AIN'T WHITE, YOU'RE GETTING THAT

FUCKING RACIST SHIT.

AND THE N-WORD'S NOT EXCLUSIVE TO BLACK PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS OR NOT.

I WAS IN TENNESSEE EARLIER THIS YEAR, AND APPARENTLY I

WAS CROSSING THE ROAD A LITTLE TOO SLOW FOR JETHRO IN HIS

PICKUP TRUCK.

I'M CROSSING THE STREET, AND THIS WHITE DUDE--I SAW

THE LOOK OF CONFUSION ON HIS FACE FIRST.

I KIND OF GET EXCITED WHEN THEY GET CLOSE TO WHAT I AM,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO HE ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND HE GOES, "MOVE IT,

SAND NIGGER!"

NOW I WAS WALKING AT A DECENT PACE.

I SLOWED DOWN REAL QUICK LIKE THAT.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER, ALL RIGHT."

THEN HE SAID SOME SHIT TO ME.

YOU EVER HAD SOME RACIST SHIT SAID TO YOU THAT CONFUSES

YOUR EMOTIONS?

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW TO REACT BECAUSE IT GETS

SO CREATIVE SOMETIMES.

HE SAID SOME SHIT TO ME THAT REALLY FUCKED

WITH THE WAY I FELT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE MAD OR EXCITED THAT HE CAME UP

WITH SOME NEW SHIT.

I'M GOING SLOWER NOW.

HE GOES, "MOVE IT, DUNE COON!"

I STOPPED, AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

I WAS HURT AND EXCITED.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT IS SOME CLEVER SHIT."

I GREW UP IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I GOT PICKED

ON BY BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE.

WHITE KIDS ARE FUNNY WHEN THEY PICK ON YOU BECAUSE THEY DO

JUST DO THE SHIT REAL CORNY LIKE...

♪ HA HA NYAH NYAH NYAH ♪

BLACK PEOPLE, YOU'RE TRICKY WHEN YOU PICK ON PEOPLE

BECAUSE YOU'LL POSE, LIKE, A REALLY FUCKED UP QUESTION

AND ACT LIKE IT'S A REAL QUESTION.

"HEY, RUSSELL, WHEN YOU'RE COMING OVER, CAN YOU STOP BY

YOUR DAD'S WORK AND GRAB ME A SLURPEE?"

YOU DO IT SO CASUAL THAT I GET STUCK.

I'M LIKE, "OH SUR--WHAT THE FUCK MAN?"

THERE'S ALL THE CONTROVERSY OVER THE N-WORD NOWADAYS, TOO.

THAT'S THE FUNNY THING TO ME, YOU KNOW?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BLACK PEOPLE.

WHEN YOU TELL WHITE PEOPLE NOT TO SAY THE N-WORD, IT MAKES

SENSE TO ME, BUT WHEN WHITE PEOPLE AGREE THAT QUICKLY--

WHEN YOU SAY, "DON'T SAY THE N-WORD," THEY GO, "SORRY,"

YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE THEY GOT SOME OTHER SHIT THAT

THEY'VE BEEN CALLING YOU THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

WHITE PEOPLE, IF THEY CAME UP WITH THE N-WORD THE FIRST

TIME, YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE SMART ENOUGH TO COME UP

WITH SOME OTHER SHIT RIGHT NOW THAT THEY COULD USE RIGHT

IN FRONT OF YOU?

THEY'LL BE SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE AS YOU.

"HEY, JEFF. CAN YOU PASS ME THE VINEGAR?"

"HA HA HA HA HA!"

"THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE DOING IT."

TELLING YOU, THEY'RE CRAFTY.

I SEE THE WAY YOU'RE SIZING IT ALL UP, BUDDY.

LIKE THIS, "STOP TALKING.

"STOP TALKING NOW.

LETTING OUT OUR DAMN SECRETS."

I'M GONNA LET YOU IN ON THIS SHIT.

I WAS IN BOSTON LAST WEEK, AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS

WHITE DUDE.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE GETTING REAL

CLEVER WITH THEIR FUCKING RACISM.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS WHITE DUDE.

HE GOES, "SO, UH, YOU'RE LIVING OUT THERE IN L.A. NOW, RIGHT?"

I GO, "YEAH." HE GOES, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

YOU DOING ANY FUCKING TV OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?"

I GO, "ACTUALLY, YEAH, I'M DOING DEF JAM."

"OH, REALLY?

ISN'T THAT FOR THE MONDAYS?"

I GO, "WHAT?"

"ISN'T THAT THERE FOR THE FUCKING MONDAYS?"

I GO, "NO. I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY AIR IT."

"EH, FUCKING MONDAYS."

LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS A MONDAY?"

THEY CALL BLACK PEOPLE MONDAYS.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT.

AND I'M TRYING TO--I'M SITTING THERE GOING, "OH,

OK. MONDAYS," AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT--YOU EVER TRY

AND FIGURE OUT WHERE THE FUCKING SLANG COMES FROM,

AND THEN I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK?

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A MONDAY?

WHY DO YOU CALL BLACK PEOPLE MONDAYS?"

AND I SWEAR ON MY FATHER'S GRAVE, THIS GUY GOES,

"BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES MONDAYS."

- OHH!

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

YOU NEED TO BE HIP TO THIS SHIT!

THAT IS GONNA FUCK WITH YOU AT WORK

THE FIRST DAY OF THE WEEK.

"GOOD MORNING, DeVON.

NOTHING LIKE A FUCKING MONDAY, HUH?"

"MOTHERFUCKER."

THERE'S ALL THAT CONTROVERSY, MAN, AND IT'S AL--YOU KNOW

WHAT THE FUNNY THING TO ME ABOUT THE N-WORD IS IS THAT

WHITE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STOP BLACK PEOPLE FROM

USING THE N-WORD.

NOW AS A GUY WHO GREW UP WITH BLACK PEOPLE, I KNOW THAT

THE N-WORD DOES NOT--IS NOT SPECIFIC TO PEOPLE.

IT'S A FUCKING NOUN.

IT IS USED FOR EVERYTHING ELSE BUT PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT SPECIFIC TO BLACK PEOPLE.

I SEE MY FRIENDS. THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YO, RUSSELL.

I SEEN YOU WITH SOME CHINESE NIGGERS LAST NIGHT."

"YOU SEEN ME WITH SOME CHINESE WHAT?"

IT'S NOT SPECIFIC TO PEOPLE.

MY HOMEBOY CALLED ME, WAS LIKE, "YO. YOU GOT TO PUT

"ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL, SON.

"THEY GOT THIS SHIT ON KILLER WHALES.

YO. THOSE NIGGERS ARE CRAZY!"

IF I'M LYING, I'M DYING.

YOU TELL ME THIS.

SOMETIMES, THE WORD NIGGER CAN REPLACE AN ENTIRE SENTENCE.

AM I LYING? I CALL MY BOY. I WAS LIKE,

"YO. YOU WENT OUT WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT?"

"NIGGER."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, "DEF JAM."

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- ONE MORE TIME FOR MY CAT RUSSELL PETERS.

DID Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?

DID Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?

WELL, STAND UP AND LET THEM KNOW IT, Y'ALL.

AND NOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAN THAT MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE--

MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

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