Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- YO, FELLA. YO.

IF YOU GONNA TALK DIRTY TO YOUR WOMAN,

YOU'VE GOT TO TALK WITH AUTHORITY.

YOU CAN GET A WOMAN TO DO ANY NASTY LITTLE THING YOU WANT

IF YOU SAY THAT SHIT LIKE A MAN.

YOU MAKE A LITTLE EYE CONTACT. LOOK IN HER EYE.

"COME HERE. COME HERE.

YOU GONNA DO THIS SHIT."

SHE'LL DO IT.

ANYTHING YOU MUMBLE AIN'T GETTING DONE

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE IN BED ALL UNSURE LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU LICK MY BALLS?"

"HUH? HUH?

"I AIN'T LICKING NOTHING.

LICK YOUR OWN BALLS."

SEE, IF YOU'D HAVE SAID IT RIGHT,

YOU'D HAVE BEEN IN THERE.

NOW YOU GOT DRY BALLS.

- IT'S "THE RUSSELL SIMMONS DEF COMEDY JAM"

WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS: SMOKEY, TIFFANY HADDISH,

BIG ROME, AND TONY ROBERTS.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, THE KID CAPRI,

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- HEY, YO.

ONE MORE TIME FOR MY MAN, KID CAPRI.

ALL RIGHT. LOOK AT ALL WE GOT.

LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S WHITE PEOPLE OUT HERE, TOO, YOU KNOW?

Y'ALL BETTER LEAVE EARLY IS ALL I'M SAYING.

BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T GONNA BE BROKE ON THE WEEKEND.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

THEY'RE SITTING THERE LIKE-- WHITE BOY AIN'T EVEN SCARED OF THE POLICE.

THEY'LL TALK SHIT TO HIM. YOU EVER SEE 'EM DO IT?

"HURRY UP AND WRITE THE GODDAMN TICKET, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

"FUCKING PIG.

"ALL THIS CRIME GOING ON AND YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME?

"THERE'S A BLACK GUY RIGHT THERE.

"YOU KNOW HE'S DONE SOMETHING.

GIVE ME A BADGE NUMBER, ASSHOLE."

THAT SHIT DON'T WORK FOR US.

"GIVE ME YOUR--" AND I'M SO TIRED OF THE FUCKING NEWS.

IF I SEE BRITNEY SPEARS OR FUCKING--GODDAMN.

DAMN, PARIS HILTON.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SHE FAMOUS FOR.

'CAUSE HER MOM AND DADDY OWN HOTELS?

YOU DON'T SEE THE RAMADA BITCHES.

YOU EVER SEE THEM ON TV?

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T SEE THEM MOTEL 6 HOES.

THEY AIN'T NEVER ON TV. YOU SEE THEM?

TIME I TURN AROUND SOME FUCKING--

ALL KIND OF SHIT GOING ON, MAN.

REMEMBER THE FEMALE ASTRONAUT, THE ONE FROM TEXAS?

SHE FOUND OUT HER MAN WAS FUCKING AROUND

SO SHE DROVE FROM TEXAS TO FLORIDA WITH A FUCKING DIAPER ON

'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO STOP AND SHIT.

BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT CAR YOU KNOW GO 900 MILES

WITHOUT STOPPING FOR GAS?

SO YOU'LL STOP FOR GAS, BUT YOU'LL JUST SHIT ON YOURSELF.

WHAT IS THAT?

"MA'AM, CAN I HELP YOU?"

"NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT."

STAR JONES IS IN THE NEWS.

STAR JONES DISCLOSED THAT SHE HAD THE GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY.

I WAS SHOCKED.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS WORKING OUT.

SHE ONE OF THEM WOMEN THAT LOOK BETTER BIGGER.

DON'T SHE? SHE LOOK BETTER BIGGER.

NOW SHE LOOK DEFLATED LIKE A PINATA

WITH ALL THE CANDY BEAT OUT OF HER.

DON'T SHE JUST...

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT CAT IS HARLEM-BORN AND HOLLYWOOD-BOUND.

GET UP FOR MY MAN SMOKEY.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? MAKE SOME NOISE.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

GIVE IT UP FOR YOURSELVES, LADIES.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

IF YOU LOOK GOOD, CLAP YOUR HANDS.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

IF YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT, SNAP YOUR FINGERS.

UGLY BITCHES IN THE BACK LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

I'M IN SCHOOL NOW."

WOMEN WITH LONG TITTIES,

IF YOUR TITTIES AIN'T GOT NO MORE DEFINITION,

DON'T BE DANCING IN THE CLUBS.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU IN THE CLUB DANCING.

YOUR TITTIES HITTING YOU IN YOUR BACK.

"THESE BITCHES KEEP BUMPING INTO ME.

THEY HATING."

LIKE, NO, BITCH. YOU BUMPING INTO YOURSELF.

THAT'S YOU.

BIG WOMEN WITH TOE RINGS, IF YOUR TOE THIS BIG,

THAT'S NOT A TOE RING.

THAT'S A BRACELET.

"BABY, HOW YOU THINK THIS LOOK?"

THAT SHIT COULD FIT AROUND MY NECK.

MEN, WE'VE MESSED UP TOO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE LAUGH FOR.

MAN, WE MESSED UP TOO. YEAH, LADIES.

THERE'S NIGGAS IN HERE RIGHT NOW THAT'S NOT EVEN CIRCUMCISED.

YEAH. LOOK AT HIM. DICK LOOK LIKE AN ANTEATER.

THIS NIGGA DICK LOOK LIKE HE GOT A CHAMPION HOODIE.

THIS NIGGA DICK GOT ASTHMA.

THAT'S THE NIGGA ALWAYS WANTS SOME HEAD, TOO.

"SUCK IT. SUCK."

"GET THAT SHIT OUT MY FACE, SHARON.

FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHARON?"

YOU CAN'T GET NOBODY TO SUCK THAT DICK.

A CRACKHEAD WON'T EVEN SUCK THAT DICK, RIGHT?

CRACKHEAD BE LOOKING AT YOUR ASS LIKE...

"I DON'T GET HIGH NO MORE.

[INDISTINCT] NO, I'LL GET HIGH TOMORROW."

EVERYBODY GOT A CRACKHEAD IN THEY FAMILY.

KEEP IT REAL.

DON'T BE ASHAMED. DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

THIS IS NOT A COMEDY SHOW. THIS IS A MEETING.

YOU GOTTA LOVE YOUR CRACKHEAD FAMILY MEMBER, THOUGH.

YOU CAN'T LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE, THOUGH, 'CAUSE THEY STEAL.

RIGHT? THEY STEAL LITTLE SHIT, TOO.

SHIT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE, LIKE A HOT WATER KNOB.

YOU GO TAKE A SHOWER.

"WHO THE FUCK STOLE THE HOT WATER KNOB?"

[INDISTINCT] A HOT WATER KNOB [INDISTINCT].

CRACKHEADS ARE THE FASTEST CREATURES ON EARTH.

YOU EVER SEEN A CRACKHEAD?

LOOK ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL, YOU SEE THE CRACKHEAD PASSING THE CHEETAH.

I'M STUPID.

MY AUNT IS A CRACKHEAD TO THE FIFTH POWER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP AROUND THIS BITCH.

THIS BITCH'LL STEAL YOUR DREAMS.

"I GOT DREAMS FOR SALE. $5. I GOT 2 POCONOS AND A BERMUDA."

CRACKHEADS CREATE SHIT, TOO.

PEOPLE THINK CRACKHEADS DON'T CREATE SHIT.

THEY AIN'T CREATIVE. THEY CREATE SHIT, TOO.

LOOK AT THE DANCES WE GOT. THE HARLEM SHAKE.

Y'ALL THINK THAT'S A REGULAR DANCE.

I LIVE IN HARLEM.

THE FIRST CRACKHEAD DID THAT SHIT, HE WAS LIKE...

THE FIRST CRACKHEAD DID THAT SHIT, HE WAS LIKE...

THE FIRST CRACKHEAD DID THAT SHIT, HE WAS LIKE...

"LET ME GET 2 MORE."

YEAH, THAT'S MY TIME.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- NOTHING LIKE THAT CRACKHEAD HUMOR.

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT YOUNG LADY

IS A GRADUATE OF THE LAUGH FACTORY COMEDY CAMP.

FROM SOUTH CENTRAL, PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR TIFFANY HADDISH.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- HEY. HOW Y'ALL DOING?

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'M FEELING REAL GOOD TONIGHT.

I'M FEELING REAL GOOD.

ANYBODY HERE FROM THE SOUTH?

YEAH. YEAH.

ME, TOO. ME, TOO.

SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES.

54th AND WEST. BABY.

OH, YEAH.

WHAT THAT DO, BOO BOO?

I'M KEEPING IT GANGSTER. GOT THIS WHOLE OUTFIT.

I BEEN SHOPPING AND SHIT ALL DAY.

I GOT THIS WHOLE OUTFIT FROM THE SLAUSON SWAP MEET AND SHIT.

I'M FEELING GOOD THAN A MOTHER FUCK.

AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THE SLAUSON SWAP MEET.

YOU CAN GET EVERYTHING YOU NEED THERE.

I COULD GO UP IN THE SLAUSON SWAP MEET,

COME UP OUTTA THERE WITH A WHOLE OUTFIT,

GET YOUR NAILS DONE, GET YOUR EYEBROWS OUCHED,

GET YOU SOME EYELASHES, GET YOU 2 PEOPLE,

A PUPPY, SOME BOOTLEG DVDs.

YOU CAN FUCKING GET--YOU CAN GET A PAP SMEAR, AN ABORTION--

YOU CAN GET YOU A BOYFRIEND AND SHIT.

SOME DICK. YOU KNOW, IT'S COOL.

A MEXICAN TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE.

YOU CAN GET EVERYTHING AT THE SLAUSON SWAP MEET.

I LOVE THAT PLACE. IT'S NOTHING LIKE IT.

I'M TIRED OF DATING DUDES OUT OF JAIL.

I'M TIRED OF DATING DUDES OUT OF JAIL,

BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA MESS WITH 'EM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT I STILL FUCK WITH 'EM, BUT I JUST HAVE SAFE SEX WITH 'EM.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE SAFE SEX.

SAFE SEX IS A GOOD THING. YOU GOTTA HAVE SAFE SEX.

I JUST DON'T LET 'EM COME IN THE COOCHIE, THOUGH.

I DON'T LET 'EM COME IN THE COOCHIE.

I JUST DO SHIT LIKE--UM, LIKE--

I WISH I HAD THAT STUFF, LIKE, YOU, MISS,

WITH THE BIG BOOTY ON YOUR CHEST.

'CAUSE I'M ROCKING A 31 A-MINUS.

THIS RIGHT THERE.

THIS IS SOME BUSH. LOOK AT THIS.

I GOTTA KEEP MINE IN A PAPER TOWEL

TO KEEP MY [INDISTINCT] FROM BEING MUSSED.

THIS IS SOME--THIS BAG.

I WAS TRYING TO GET SOME FREE DRINKS LATER.

BUT I CAN'T--I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I WAS TELLING MY BOO--I WAS LIKE, "BABY, LET'S--LET'S--

"LET'S DO WHAT THEY DOING IN THE MOVIE, BABY.

"LET'S HAVE SOME--TITTY FUCK ME. COME ON."

HE WAS LIKE, "BABE.

"BOO, YOUR TITTIES DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER, DOG.

HOW WE GONNA DO THIS?"

SO I GOT SOME BARBEQUE SAUCE.

I PUT THAT SHIT ALL ON MY RIBS.

WE WAS LIKE, "MM, YEAH.

"[INDISTINCT] SEX, DADDY.

"YEAH, YOU WANNA GET FREAKY?

"OH, YOU WANT IT WET? OH, YOU WANT IT WET?

"YOU WANT IT WET? YOU WANT IT WET?

"[INDISTINCT] OH, YOU WANNA GET REAL NASTY, HUH?

OH, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS."

GOOD FOOT FUCKING RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S GOOD FOOT FUCKING.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

DID YOU SEE HER MONKEY?

I'M SORRY. MY BAD.

I SHOULD HAVE WAXED IT, HUH?

ANYBODY HERE EVER GOT A BIKINI WAX BEFORE?

WOO.

I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME GETTING A BIKINI WAX.

I WENT TO THIS SCHOOL OUT IN THE VALLEY, RIGHT?

OUT IN WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA.

IT WAS TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME.

YOU KNOW IT TOTALLY JUST FRICKIN' ROCKED OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

FUCK YEAH.

AND MY FRIEND AMBER WAS LIKE--

UM, WE WERE TAKING A SHOWER RIGHT AFTER TRACK PRACTICE

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"TIFFANY, YOUR BUSH.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

"NOBODY'S EVER GONNA EAT YOUR BURGER LIKE THAT.

"YOU HAVE--YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

YOU NEED TO GET THAT WAXED."

I WAS LIKE, "GIRL, WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"THIS IS CUTE. I GOT BARRETTES

"AND BEADS AND SPARKLES AND SHIT.

"I GOT BRAIDS ON THIS.

"I'M MR. ALLEN IVERSON, BITCH.

"WHAT--LOOK AT THAT SHIT. THAT IS CUTE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "NO, TIFFANY. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET IT WAXED."

SO I WAS LIKE, "OK. WELL, WHAT [INDISTINCT]."

SHE'S LIKE, "ME AND MY MOM ARE GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE SPA.

IT'S GONNA BE TOTALLY FREAKIN' AWESOME."

SO WE WENT TO THE SPA, RIGHT? I TOOK OFF MY PANTS.

THE LITTLE ASIAN LADY WAS LIKE, "OH. WE NEED MORE WAX."

SHE COME BACK WITH MORE WAX.

SHE PUT IT ON. IT'S ALL WARM.

I'M LIKE, "OOH. THIS IS NICE."

THEN SHE PUT THE PAPER DOWN.

SHE KIND OF PRESSED IT KIND OF HARD.

I'M LIKE, "OH, SHIT, BITCH.

"YOU WANT MY PHONE NUMBER OR SOMETHING?

WHAT IS SHE DOING?"

THEN SHE PULLED THE PAPER BACK. I WAS LIKE, "OH, BITCH.

"YOU DONE RIPPED MY COOCHIEMENTS AND EVERYTHING.

"MY UTERUS IS ON THAT FUCKING PAPER, BITCH.

"HOW AM I EVER GONNA GET CHILD SUPPORT NOW, BITCH?

"[INDISTINCT], BITCH. FUCK YOU.

GIVE ME MY OVARIES BACK, BITCH."

PICKED UP THE PAPER.

I TRIED TO PUT EACH HAIR BACK ONE BY ONE AND SHIT.

WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH ONE BALD COOCHIE LIP. I HAD A FADE.

LIKE THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.

BRAID THAT SHIT UP ON THE ONE SIDE.

ANYWAY.

ONE OF MY GOALS IN LIFE--

ONE OF MY DREAMS AND GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS IN LIFE

WAS TO BE, LIKE, A MAJOR SINGER OR RAPPER.

LIKE, I WANTED TO BE LIKE WHITNEY HOUSTON AT FIRST,

BEFORE SHE GOT WITH BOBBY AND SHIT.

[INDISTINCT] AND I CHANGED MY MIND

AND I SAID I WANTED TO BE A RAPPER, RIGHT?

AND THEN NOBODY EVER, LIKE, PICKED UP MY ALBUM OR NOTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND THAT KIND OF FUCKING MADE ME

MAD AT EVERYBODY FOR A LITTLE BIT.

SO, KID CAPRI, I NEED YOU TO KICK ME A BEAT.

YOU READY? WAIT. HOLD UP. I AIN'T READY.

WAIT. HOLD UP.

ALL RIGHT. KID CAPRI, GIVE ME THAT BEAT.

[BEAT PLAYING]

HEY. MAKE SOME NOISE. DEF JAM.

[CROWD CHEERING]

YOU KNOW, EVERY GOOD RAPPER START OFF WITH A DANCE AND SHIT.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU START OFF LIKE THAT SHIT. I SEEN THAT SHIT ON A VIDEO.

♪ THEY CALL ME TIFFANY IT'S TO THE T-I-F-F-A-N-Y WHY? ♪

♪ BECAUSE I AM SO FLY YOU KNOW ♪

♪ THAT IS A LIE I COME STRAIGHT FROM SOUTH CENTRAL ♪

♪ BABY BOO I WALK MY PIT BULLS EVERY DAY ♪

♪ BOO GOT 2 BLUE WHAT YOU WANNA DO? ♪

♪ I KEEP IT GANGSTER, BABY, AND I WILL FUCK YOU ♪

♪ IF YOUR CREDIT IS RIGHT IF YOUR SHIT IS TIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU GOT A WHIP, I'M WIT YOU TONIGHT ♪

♪ OH, THEY CALL ME TIFFANY AND I LIKE TO GET DOWN AND GRITTY ♪

♪ I MIGHT BE CUTE SHIT, AND THE BITCH BE LIKE "FUCK HER" ♪

♪ WELL FUCK THAT SHIT, I'M REAL [INDISTINCT] ♪

♪ WHAT YOU GONNA DO? ♪

♪ FUCK WITH TIFFANY AND I'LL FUCK WITH YOU ♪

♪ WHAT YOU WANNA DO? ♪

♪ FUCK WITH TIFFANY AND I'LL FUCK WITH YOU ♪

TIFFANY HADDISH, BABY.

[INDISTINCT] GIVE ME MY HAIR BACK.

GIVE ME MY HAIR BACK.

GIVE ME MY SHIT BACK.

THAT'S FROM THE SLAUSON SWAP MEET. SHIT.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- ALL RIGHT.

ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT UP TO MY GIRL, TIFFANY HADDISH.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

THAT IS A FINE MOTHERFUCKER, RIGHT THERE.

I CAME. FUCK IT.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I'M GOING...

EVEN WHEN SHE SNAPPED HER HAIR OFF, I THOUGHT,

"DON'T TRY THAT SHIT AT HOME.

"YOU'LL FUCK AROUND, GET A GUN PULLED ON YOU

DOING SOME SHIT LIKE THAT."

ALL RIGHT. JUDGING BY HIS NAME,

HE'S ABOUT TO COME IN AND TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

GIVE IT UP FOR BIG ROME.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S UP?

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR D.L. HUGHLEY, MAN.

SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR D.L.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS ARE LOOKING GOOD [INDISTINCT].

BUT I DON'T KNOW, MAN. LOT OF SHIT GOING ON, MAN.

FELLAS, IF YOUR MONEY FUCKED UP, JUST LEAVE.

I FEEL--JUST GET OUT THE HOUSE, NIGGA.

JUST LEAVE THE WOMAN 'CAUSE SHE GONNA PUT YOUR ASS OUT.

JUST LEAVE WHILE YOU GOT YOUR DIGNITY.

I FEEL SORRY FOR ANY MAN IN HERE

LIVING WITH A WOMAN AND YOUR MONEY IS FUCKED UP.

WOO. EVERYTHING YOU DO GET ON THAT BITCH NERVE.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

YOU BE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING YOUR FOOD.

SHE BE LOOKING. "THIS NIGGA KEEP CHEWING. DAMN.

"I HATE HIS CHEW, JESUS. I JUST--UGH.

OPEN CLOSE. OPEN CLOSE."

WHEN YOU LIVE WITH A BLACK WOMAN AND YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB,

SHE'LL THINK YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO DO SHIT

BUT LOOK FOR A FUCKING JOB.

THAT'S IT.

"YOU SLEEPY?

"FUCK IS YOU YAWNING?

YOU AIN'T WORKING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

THEY LOVE TELLING YOU WHAT THEY AIN'T USED TO WHEN YOU BROKE.

"I AIN'T USED TO THIS SHIT.

I JUST--I AIN'T USED TO THIS."

KEEP YOUR MONEY RIGHT, FELLAS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK SEX, YOU KNOW, IS WHAT MAKES IT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES SEX CAN BE OVERRATED.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET TO KNOW A PERSON

BEFORE Y'ALL FALL IN LOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? REALLY.

BEFORE YOU START ALL THAT SEXUAL SHIT.

GET TO KNOW A PERSON.

'CAUSE, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WE CHANGE. YOU KNOW THAT SHIT.

BEFORE SEX, WE BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE WOMAN.

SHE CROSS YOUR MIND.

YOU REMEMBER HER NAME. EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING.

SOON AS YOU GET THAT ASS, SHE BECOME WHATYOUCALLIT.

AND YOU BE TELLING YOUR BOYS,

"MAN, I AIN'T TALK TO WHATYOUCALLIT IN SO GODDAMN LONG.

I GOTTA CALL WHATYOUCALLIT."

"HEY, WHO'S WHATYOUCALLIT?"

"YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE ALTIMA, MAN.

"WHATYOUCALLIT.

I DON'T KNOW HER NAME. SHIT."

LADIES, Y'ALL CAN'T GET MAD.

Y'ALL CHANGE, TOO.

BEFORE SEX, A MAN SEND YOU TO THE STORE,

YOU BRING ALL HIS CHANGE BACK.

EVERY DIME. RECEIPT.

EVERY GODDAMN THING.

AFTER SEX, THAT'S HER CHANGE.

THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LESS THAN A MAN

IF YOU ASK FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING CHANGE.

YOU BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY. I GAVE YOU A 50."

"AND? WHAT? YOU NEED YO CHANGE?

"I'M FUCKING WITH A NIGGA THAT NEEDS SOME CHANGE?

"I DID NOT KNOW.

"I DID NOT KNOW, BOO BOO.

"LET ME GO GET YOUR LITTLE CHANGE.

I DID NOT KNOW."

YOU GOTTA PLAY THAT SHIT OFF.

"BABY, THAT'S ME. "YOU KNOW I DON'T NEED NO $48.

"BIG DADDY. WHAT THE FUCK I'M GONNA DO WITH $48?

THIS IS ME."

YOU GOTTA GIVE HER A TYLENOL PM

TO STEAL YOUR OWN GODDAMN CHANGE BACK.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH YOUNG GIRLS NO MORE.

I FUCK WITH OLD LADIES. OLD.

BUT YOU GOTTA--YOU GOTTA WATCH THEM, TOO,

'CAUSE SOME OF THEM BE SILLY AND SAY--

OH, I HAD THE ORIGINAL STELLA. OLD.

I HAD TO GET RID OF HER OLD ASS.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S 68. STILL PLAYING GAMES.

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS?

I'M READING THE BIBLE, PHONE NUMBER FALL OUT.

SEE, THIS...

SO NOW I GOT TO GO WAKE HER OLD ASS UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

SHE DONE WENT TO BED FOR THE NIGHT.

YOU KNOW?

HER DAY IS OVER. SHE THROUGH.

SHE HAD DINNER AT 12:30.

SHE GONE TO BED.

BUT I DONE FOUND THIS PHONE NUMBER

SO I AIN'T TRYING TO HEAR THIS BULLSHIT.

I'M GONNA KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

"HATTIE MAY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, HATTIE.

HATTIE MAY, I NEED TO HOLLA AT YOU NOW."

SHE GONNA GET MAD.

"WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE AT THIS HOUR?"

"DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT BULLSHIT.

WHO THE FUCK IS CEPHUS, HATTIE?"

TALKING ABOUT SOME OLD NIGGA SHE MET IN DIALYSIS.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS BULLSHIT.

WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE TO AN OLD LADY, YOU GOT TO BE FOCUSED,

'CAUSE YOU GONNA HEAR SOME SHIT YOU JUST AIN'T PREPARED FOR.

YOU JUST--SEE, A YOUNG GIRL-- I GIVE Y'ALL CREDIT.

THAT MOAN IS SEXY.

THAT SHIT IS STIMULATING.

IT KEEP THE MAN IN THE GAME.

YOU KNOW, YOU BE HITTING A YOUNG GIRL, SHE BE "OH.

"OOH, SHIT.

"OH, BIG BABY, I DIDN'T KNOW.

"I DIDN'T KNOW. OH.

"OH, THIS DICK IS A MYSTERY.

I DIDN'T KNOW. OH."

AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH THAT,

BUT YOU HITTING AN OLD LADY FROM THE BACK,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU GOT TO FOCUS.

YOU HITTING IT AND SHE "HOT OH MIGHTY DAMN."

"WHAT?"

"HAVE MERCY ON THIS PUSSY. HAVE MERCY ON THIS PUSSY."

CAN'T THINK OF YOUR NAME.

NOW YOU GOTTA BE URA ALL NIGHT.

WHO THE FUCK IS URA?

"HIT THIS PUSSY, URA. URA.

"HOT OH MIGHTY DAMN.

URA. URA."

OF COURSE, HATTIE MAY HAD PARKINSON'S,

SO I AIN'T NEVER REALLY KNOW WHEN SHE WAS IN THE MOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SHE HAD PARKINSON'S. I COME IN.

"HATTIE, YOU WANNA FUCK AROUND?"

SHE SAID [INDISTINCT].

HEY, I'M BIG ROME, MAN.

THIS SHOW GOES OUT TO TINA.

TINA GREEN. I LOVE YOU, BABY.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- BOY, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TICKLE ME.

GODDAMN.

URA.

OLD FOLK WILL FUCK A LANGUAGE UP, WON'T THEY?

"RETCH AROUND.

"I'M NAWSHA"?

WHAT THE FUCK IS NAWSHA?

OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. ALL RIGHT.

HIS PERFORMANCE LAST SEASON ON "DEF JAM"

HAD EVERYBODY ROLLING IN THE AISLES,

BUT HE'S BACK WITH MORE NONSTOP COMEDY.

FROM DETROIT, MY MAN TONY ROBERTS.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- WHAT'S UP, FUCKERS?

THAT'S WHAT THEY DOING NOW.

THEY KRUMPING, MOTHERFUCKER. AH.

I DO THIS SHIT FOR 12 RECORDS.

MY GIRL SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?"

FUCK IT.

THIS WHAT YOU WANT, BITCH? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

WHAT'S UP, BIG MAN? HOW YOU DOING?

GOT THE GLASSES ON. LOOK SMART AS SHIT.

LIKE YOU BE FUCKING ON THE INTERNET.

"I'M FUCKING YOU FROM THE BACK AND YOU LOVING IT.

SEND."

THAT'S A BIG NIGGA THERE.

IT'S HARD TO HAVE SEX NOW.

A CONDOM AIN'T ENOUGH.

THEY GETTING SHIT THROUGH THE CONDOM.

I WANT--I WANT MUCH PROTECTION.

I COME IN YOUR ROOM WITH AN ATTACK DOG SUIT ON.

YOU READY, BITCH?

AH. AH.

DO THAT SHIT, NIGGA.

WHERE YOUR GIRL AT?

WHERE YOUR WOMAN AT?

TREAT HER RIGHT, BUT DON'T SPOIL HER.

MY GIRL TALKING ABOUT, "TONY, I WANT BREAKFAST IN BED."

I SAID, "BITCH, YOU BETTER SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

"YOU OUT YOU FUCKING MIND?

THAT'S WHERE THE PANCAKES GONNA BE, BITCH."

I AIN'T NO GODDAMN GENTLEMAN.

I TOOK A BIG GIRL OUT TO EAT.

WE LOOKED AT THE MENU. SHE SAID, "GIVE ME PAGE 2."

I SAID, "GIVE ME THE LEMONS WITH THE WATER.

I AIN'T GOT NO MORE MONEY AFTER THIS BITCH."

I LOVE BIG WOMEN 'CAUSE YOU GOT TITTIES.

I'M A TITTY MAN. I LOVE TITTIES.

THEY AIN'T GOTTA BE BIG. THEY AIN'T GOTTA BE BIG.

THEY GOTTA BE THERE.

YOU EVER HAD A GIRL WALK TO YOUR BED NAKED WITH NO TITTIES.

LOOK LIKE YOUR NEPHEW.

"WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU COULD COME OVER HERE?"

SHE BE CONFUSED. "WHO YOU TALKING TO?"

"MY SISTER SON. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I'M TAKING TO."

IT'S THE GIRLS WITH THE LITTLE TITTIES--Y'ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU WANT THEM TO SUCK 'EM FIRST.

FORGET THE FOREPLAY.

"SUCK THESE FIRST. TURN ME ON."

YOU TRYING TO SUCK THEY TITTIES

LIKE TRYING TO PULL A NAIL OUT THE WALL.

MY NOSE 'BOUT TO BLEED.

TURN OVER. I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR SHOULDER BLADES.

TURN OVER. I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR SHOULDER BLADES.

WOO! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CRAZY.

I GOTTA GO TO CHURCH WITH MY GRANDMOTHER THIS SUNDAY.

I'M GETTING READY TO GO TO A BAPTIST CHURCH.

WHO GOES TO BAPTIST CHURCH?

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE REAL BAPTIST CHURCH.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS'LL BE A LESSON YOU NEED TO KNOW

IF YOU EVER GO TO A BAPTIST CHURCH, A REAL BAPTIST CHURCH.

IF YOU NEXT TO SOMEBODY AND THEY GET TO SHAKING, MOVE.

THEY ABOUT TO KNOCK YO TOOTH OUT.

WE DON'T PRAISE GOD. WE WHOOP ASS.

"JESUS! JESUS!"

JESUS BE IN THERE LIKE THIS. "OH, HERE THEY GO AGAIN."

HER PASTOR GOT SO HAPPY HE SAID "NIGGA" IN THE PULPIT.

SAID, "GOD CAME DOWN IN MAN'S FORM AS JESUS CHRIST.

"WHAT'S THE NIGGA NAME THAT WAS WITH HIM?

UH, WHAT'S THAT NIGGA--PETER! PETER!"

TELL YOU WHAT I'M SICK OF.

THIS GODDAMN CAREER TAKING TOO GODDAMN LONG.

I GOTTA GET RICH QUICK PLAN.

I BE DOING MY RESEARCH.

LISTENING TO SOME RAP.

THEY MAKING A MILLION DOLLARS OFF OF NOTHING.

A GOOD BEAT, YOU GOT A MILLION DOLLARS.

THE WORDS DON'T MEAN SHIT.

I GOT A SONG CALLED "BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN?"

YOU THINK I'M BULLSHITTING?

DJ. KID, GIVE ME SOMETHING.

GIVE ME THAT-- - ♪ [INDISTINCT] ♪

- OH, SHIT.

IT'S ABOUT TO GET UGLY IN THIS BITCH.

I AIN'T GOT NO MC NAME OR NOTHING.

♪ BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ I SAY, BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ I CALLED YOUR MOMMA HOUSE I CALLED YOUR JOB, TOO ♪

♪ I CALLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND BITCH, SHE AIN'T SEEN YOU ♪

♪ BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ I SAY, BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU... ♪

♪ BITCH, HOW YOU AT THE GYM ♪

♪ ON THE TREADMILL DOING CARDIO? ♪

♪ BITCH, YOU WEARING HEELS WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH? BITCH, WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ I CRASHED A NAIL SHOP THEY LOOKED AT ME IN FEAR ♪

♪ THE CHINESE LADY GOT MAD AND TOLD ME "SHE NO HERE" ♪

I GOTTA GO. I'M TONY ROBERTS. I LOVE Y'ALL.

- ♪ [INDISTINCT] ♪ [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- LET ME ASK Y'ALL SOMETHING. Y'ALL DONE HAD A GOOD TIME?

[CROWD CHEERING]

AND THE MAN WHO MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR RUSSELL SIMMONS.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- ♪ KID CAPRI ♪

♪ KID, KID, KID, KID CAPRI ♪

♪ KID, KID, KID, KID ♪

♪ KID CAPRI ♪

♪ KID, KID, KID, KID, KID CAPRI ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE -www.ncicap.org--

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