Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- LOOK AT THE LADIES-- HI, GIRLFRIEND!

HOW YOU DOIN'?

NOW, THE BOOTS.

CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THESE?

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

NO, SEE, I GOT TO BE REAL, YOU KNOW?

THAT SHIT DON'T MATCH.

BLUE JEANS, MY ASS.

NO, I'M JUST PLAYING.

NO, YOU JUST LOOK LIKE, "AH, THIS'LL GO WITH THE BLUE JEANS."

NO.

I'M JUST PLAYING. I'M JUST PLAYING.

[LAUGHS]

SHE EMBARRASSED NOW.

YOU IN SHOW BUSINESS?

GET YOUR FEET OFF MY GODDAMN STAGE.

[LAUGHS] AW, JUST...

NOW, I WANT THAT BOOT. EVERY TIME I COME ONSTAGE,

I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER LAID OUT LIKE THIS

TO REMIND ME OF WHAT NOT TO DO.

HI, WHITE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, HI!

DIDN'T SEE YOU GUYS!

YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T MATCH.

YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T MATCH.

I KNOW THEY LOOKING AT THEIR TV LIKE, "OH, FUCK!

"WHO IS THE NIGGER, HUH?

"WHY CAN'T WE GET 'EM BANNED?

"FUCKIN' HBO.

"LETTIN' ANYBODY ON.

"FUCK!

"FUCK...

THIS FREEDOM OF SPEECH SHIT."

- "DEF COMEDY JAM!"

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"

WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS...

GILSON LUBIN,

VANESSA FRACTION,

AND PATRICE O'NEAL.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY THE KID CAPRI!

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- HEY, NOW. HOW YA'LL DOIN'?

ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO MY MAN KID CAPRI.

THIS IS L.A. THIS IS MY CITY.

I LOVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE. I'M FROM HERE.

ALL THE BULLSHIT.

'COURSE, WE GOT THE RAGGEDYEST DOWNTOWN IN THE FUCKIN' WORLD.

THIS...

I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN TIJUANA, BUT THAT'S IT.

SHIT!

- [LAUGHTER]

- [LAUGHS]

LOT OF PRETTY WOMEN. WOMEN, Y'ALL DON'T FUCKING CHANGE, MAN.

YOU EVER NOTICE, THE MORE PRETTY A WOMAN IS,

THE MORE BULLSHIT YOU'LL PUT UP WITH.

PRETTY WOMEN GET AWAY WITH FUCKIN' MURDER.

A PRETTY WOMAN COULD START CRYING HERE RIGHT NOW,

EVERY MAN, "GIRL, YOU ALL RIGHT? OOH, I HATE TO SEE

A PRETTY THING LIKE YOU CRYING."

UGLY WOMEN CATCH HELL WHEN THEY CRY,

'CAUSE DON'T NOBODY GIVE A FUCK.

"EHHH..."

"HEY, GIRL. GET AWAY FROM MY CAR.

DON'T MAKE ME THROW NO ROCK AT YOU, GET AWAY FROM MY GODDAMN CAR. I'M NOT PLAYIN'."

WOMEN DO CRAZY SHIT, ALWAYS DOIN' SHIT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN,

LIKE PUTTING TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM

AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO FUCKIN' USE.

WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT? THAT--"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS."

"WHAT THEY IN THE BATHROOM FOR?" "THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU!"

EVERY TIME I GET OUT THE SHOWER, I RUB MY DICK

ACROSS THEM GODDAMN TOWELS, FUCK THESE TOWELS!

DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS!

YOU KNOW WHY MEN ARE LAUGHING? 'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY.

Y'ALL COME IN THE BATHROOM. "THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?"

"NOT TO ME."

WOMEN DO ALL KINDS OF...

"HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE TO TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?"

"'CAUSE SOMETHING IN PUSSY MAKE YOU SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, THAT'S WHY."

YOU GET SOME PUSSY, YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE.

"WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE?

DID SHE SIT ON MY NYQUIL OR SOMETHING? SHIT!"

YOU GET SOME PUSSY AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH,

YOU IN A COMA. SHIT!

"I GOT TO LAY DOWN."

ALWAYS DOING SOME BULLSHIT, MAN.

IT'S...THEY HATE WHEN WE LEAVE THAT TOILET SEAT UP, DON'T THEY?

THEY HATE THAT SHIT.

I DON'T EVEN REALIZE WHY. BUT DO YOU REALIZE

THEY FALL THEIR WHOLE ASS IN THE BOTTOM OF THAT BOWL?

FEET DANGLING OVER THE EDGE

AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING, AND ALL YOU HEAR IS:

"GODDAMN IT!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH, YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH!"

I DO THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE. IT MAKE ME LAUGH. FUCK Y'ALL.

THEY COME IN THE BEDROOM WITH THEIR NIGHTGOWN ALL WET.

"THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!"

WOMEN DON'T REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO REMEMBER TO PUT

THAT FUCKIN' TOILET SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU'RE A MAN.

3 A.M., YOU EVER STAGGER TO THE BATHROOM

WITH THAT HARD DICK THAT WON'T BEND?

YOU'RE JUST...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SHIT'S SPLIT 3 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

"OH, SHIT!

THANK GOD WE GOT THESE TOWELS RIGHT HERE."

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING?

ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA, BY WAY OF THE CARIBBEAN,

GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN GILSON LUBIN.

DO SOMETHING FOR HIM, Y'ALL!

- WASSUP?

HOW Y'ALL DOIN', L.A?

GOD DAMN!

- YAY, YAY! - YAY, YAY!

FUCK, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE BLACK POPULATION FROM CANADA RIGHT NOW,

SO SAY THANKS.

FUCK. NICE TO BE HERE, MAN. I'M FROM CANADA.

ORIGINALLY FROM THE CARIBBEAN ISLANDS.

[CHEERING]

YEAH.

MAN, Y'ALL GIVE IT UP OUT HERE, MAN. I LOVE L.A.

I LOVE L.A. BECAUSE OF THE WEATHER.

THIS IS THE PERFECT WEATHER. I'M FROM THE ISLANDS.

IT'S SO HOT, YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE LONG-TERM GOALS IN A PLACE THAT HOT.

I HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A HOUSE

OR STARTING A FAMILY IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

YOU ASK ANYBODY IN THE ISLANDS,

"WHAT DO YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE?"

THE JUST LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "MAN, I JUST WANT A MANGO FROM THAT TREE RIGHT THERE.

TOO FUCKIN' HOT FOR THAT SHIT."

BUT I FEEL BAD, MAN.

I ALWAYS FEEL BAD FOR OUR GENERATION, MAN.

I FEEL BAD FOR KIDS. WHEN I WAS A KID,

I WAS SLOW, BUT THAT SHIT WORKED FOR ME.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT A RACIST WAS JUST A VERY FAST PERSON. THAT WAS AWESOME.

YOU TOLD ME YOU A RACIST, I'M LIKE, "HEY, GOOD LUCK!

THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S FAST!"

[LAUGHS]

I THOUGHT BIGOTRY WAS THE OAK IN FRONT OF MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

THEY HAD A BIGGER TREE THAN WE DID.

I WAS LIKE, "FUCK IT."

FROM NOW ON, THAT'S BIGOTRY RIGHT HERE.

IT WASN'T TILL, LIKE, THE TENTH GRADE

I REMEMBER ASKING MY BROTHER,

"HOW COME THAT ONE GUY'S SO ANGRY?"

AND HE EXPLAINED TO ME, HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIL.

HE'S A RACIST."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO. HE'S NOT THAT FAST. I'VE SEEN HIM."

YOU COULDN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH HIM. YOU'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DON'T YOU OWE ME SOME MONEY?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "GO BACK TO AFRICA!"

"WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH MY FUCKIN' MONEY?"

AND HE MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP IN AFRICA LIKE, "HEY.

"I'M HOME.

WHERE DO I SLEEP? WHAT'S HAPPENING, BROTHER?"

THEY'D BE LIKE, "SLEEP ANYWHERE YOU WANT. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK,

"PREFERABLY UNDER THE BIGGER TREE.

THE OTHER ONE GO AROUND THE CORNER. THERE'S A NICE BREEZE."

AND I HAD THIS COMEDIAN COME UP TO ME IN CANADA,

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO HIM, HE'S LIKE, "YO, MAN,

"Y'ALL SAY THE WORD NIGGA ONSTAGE EVERY TIME.

WHY CAN'T I USE IT?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. IT'S CONFUSING,

BECAUSE AFTER THIS SHOW, I MIGHT STAB YOU."

THAT'S TRUE, MAN.

LIKE, YOUNG BLACK MEN, WE'RE ANGRY.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

WE JUST HEARD SHIT HAPPENED AND DON'T TRUST WHITE PEOPLE.

THAT SHIT'S LIKE TOURETTE'S.

SOME MORNINGS I WAKE UP LIKE, "FUCK WHITE PEOPLE!

"I NEED SOME CEREAL. THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I WANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT."

THAT'S MY REAL NAME, TOO. GILSON LUBIN.

WHAT THE FUCK?

LIFE'S HARD ENOUGH.

THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE A HORSE'S NAME.

"COMING IN LAST IS GILSON LUBIN. LOOK AT HIM GO."

THAT'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHICH HORSE IS GONNA LOSE THE RACE, BY THEIR NAMES.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "COMIN' IN FIRST IS POWERHOUSE,

"FOLLOWED BY SILVER BULLET.

"IN THE LAST GROUP WE HAVE SHAKY LEGS...

FOLLOWED BY I-THOUGHT-THE-RACE- WAS-TOMORROW.

"AND THERE'S GILSON LUBIN JUST RUNNING.

NO HORSE, NOTHING."

I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE, MAN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT. SOME GUY CAME UP TO ME

UP IN CANADA AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT RACISM."

AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?"

AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A DAY AND AGE

WHERE IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE."

SO I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I FUCKIN' HATE YOU.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. RACISM'S NOT OVER

TILL THEY CHANGE THE TASTE OF BLACK LICORICE.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

[CHEERING]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS ARE THEY USING TO MAKE

THE BLACK CANDIES?

WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD?

EVERY OTHER COLOR MAKES LOGICAL SENSE.

YOU BITE INTO THE RED ONES, YOU'RE, "MMM.

"THIS SHIT TASTES LIKE STRAWBERRIES.

BECAUSE IT'S RED. DID I GET IT?"

HIGH FIVE. EVERYONE'S FUCKIN' HAPPY.

THE ORANGE ONES ARE CITRUSY. YOU'RE AMAZED.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW DID THEY FUCKIN' DO THAT?

IT TASTES JUST LIKE A REAL ORANGE."

SO YOU GO TO BITE INTO THE BLACK ONES...

[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE THINKING LOGICALLY

IT'S GONNA TASTE LIKE BLACKBERRIES.

NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE.

THAT SHIT IS THE ONLY CANDY

THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO FIGHT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS ARE THEY USING

"TO MAKE THIS SHIT?

"WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD?

"WHAT IS THIS-- SUGAR AND HATE?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"

THAT SHIT TASTES LIKE MOLASSES AND STRUGGLE.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Y'ALL, THAT SHIT IS TRUE.

YOU COULD PUT A JAR OF CANDIES RIGHT HERE.

ALL THE COLORS OF THE WORLD, YOU HAVE A COUPLE,

YOU COME BACK HALF AN HOUR LATER, THAT SHIT NEVER FAILS.

JUST THE BLACK ONES LEFT STARING AT YOU.

AND THEY JUST LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, "WE CANDIES,

NOT JOB APPLICANTS. GIVE US A SHOT."

HEY, I WANT TO THANK Y'ALL, DEF COMEDY JAM.

BE GOOD. BE FAST.

- THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT.

HE RIGHT, MAN. RACISM EXISTS. LIKE EVERYBODY...

YOU EVER NOTICE, EVERYBODY WANT TO BE BLACK

TILL THE POLICE ROLL UP, THEN NOBODY WANT TO BE BLACK?

EVEN BLACK PEOPLE. "SHIT. I'M CREOLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEM NIGGAS IS."

WHITE FOLK LAY IN THE SUN TO GET TANS, WHICH IS DUMB,

BECAUSE TANS NEVER DONE US A BIT OF GOOD.

FUCK AROUND, LAY UP THERE, GET DARK.

TO ME, YOU'D BE LAID OFF MONDAY.

"CAN WE SEE YOU IN THE OFFICE FOR MINUTE?

YOU'RE SCARING THE CUSTOMERS."

HE FROM THE CARIBBEAN. I LIKE THE CARIBBEAN, MAN.

I DO, MAN. I DON'T LIKE CRUISING THERE,

'CAUSE ALL THEM FUCKING ISLANDS LOOK ALIKE.

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT BOAT WENT NO GODDAMN WHERE.

JUST...WAIT FOR EVERYBODY TO FALL ASLEEP AND PULL BACK IN.

"IS THIS...?

"IS THIS JAMAICA?" "YEAH, MAN. YEAH, YEAH."

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOT A FIGUEROA IN JAMAICA?"

[LAUGHS]

"I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A NIX CHECK CASHING IN JAMAICA."

[LAUGHS]

ALL RIGHT. THE SUM TOTAL OF HER PARTS EQUALS

ONE FUNNY-ASS LADY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG

FOR VANESSA FRACTION!

- BREAK IT DOWN!

- HEY, WHAT IT IS, PARTY PEOPLE. MAKE SOME NOISE REAL QUICK.

YAY!

LOOK, I WANT TO JUST SAY SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

I BELIEVE IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING

BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

I FEEL LIKE WE CAN GET ALONG A HELL OF A LOT BETTER

THAN WHAT WE DOING. WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME SHIT

ABOUT EACH OTHER.

LIKE MEN, I BELIEVE Y'ALL TRY TOO HARD.

Y'ALL THINK THAT WOMEN WANT THE WORLD--DIAMONDS AND PEARLS.

AND SHIT, WE DO.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WE VERY REALISTIC.

WE UNDERSTAND, BABY. YOU NOT GOING TO HAVE THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT THE WORLD.

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THAT.

ALL WE REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE IS AN "AT LEAST."

YOU AIN'T GOT TO HAVE EVERYTHING, WE JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE AN AT LEAST.

I KNOW A LOT OF MEN--

DON'T WORRY, LADIES. THEY AIN'T CAUGHT ON YET.

THE MEN LOOKING LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AT LEAST?"

LET ME HELP YOU OUT. LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER

MET SOMEBODY, WHERE YOU BE LIKE, "OOH! THIS NIGGA

AIN'T EVEN CUTE, BUT AT LEAST HE GOT A JOB!"

YOU...YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. AT LEAST HE GOT A CAR.

COME PICK ME UP EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.

AT LEAST HE GOT A HOUSE. I COULD PUT MY FEET UP.

BUT AT LEAST, HE GOT SOMETHING. IT'S NOT A LOT.

IT'S AN AT LEAST.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S AN AT LEAST YOU GOT A WEED HOOKUP.

NIGGA, COME WITH SOMETHING TO THE TABLE!

WE CAN WORK IT OUT.

BROTHERS, Y'ALL BE CONCENTRATING ON THE WRONG SHIT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU PULL UP ON A CAMEL,

I'M GONNA GET ON THE BITCH. I JUST DON'T WANT TO WALK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHERFUCKER,

HELP YOU WATER IT AND SHIT. I LIKE CAMELS.

WE'LL WORK IT OUT BETWEEN US, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M GONNA SAY THIS TO THE LADIES:

WE NEED TO LET THE SECRET OUT. WE KNOW WE WANT NOTHING MORE

THAN TO MOTIVATE, ENCOURAGE, AND SUPPORT OUR MAN.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH? COME ON AND CLAP IT UP.

WE JUST NEED A REASON, NIGGAS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT...LET ME SAY THIS TO ENCOURAGE YOU, THOUGH,

'CAUSE BROTHERS, IF THE BROTHERS IS COMING WITH THE AT LEAST,

LADIES, WE AT LEAST NEED TO DO WHAT IT TAKES

TO MAKE IT RIGHT FOR THEM.

LET ME GIVE YOU A SCENARIO WHERE IT'LL WORK OUT FOR THE BOTH OF US.

LET'S SAY, BROTHER, YOU COME IN THE HOUSE AND YOU LIKE,

YOU KNOW, "YOU KNOW, BABY, I KNOW WE BEEN STRUGGLING ON THE BILLS,

"I KNOW WE AIN'T HAD A LOT OF MONEY.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S BEEN TIGHT AROUND HERE.

"WE BEEN ARGUING AND SHIT. SO, UM..

"THIS MORNING I GOT UP. I WENT TO THE JOB.

AND I WENT FOR THE PROMOTION."

- WHOO!

- BUT BABY, I AIN'T GET THE PROMOTION."

GUESS WHAT? IF THAT WAS MY MAN, AT LEAST HE'S TRYING,

AND GUESS WHAT? I WOULD SUCK HIS DICK.

YES, I WOULD. YES, I WOULD.

Y'ALL DON'T HEAR ME YET. BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, THIS MAN NEEDS MOTIVATION.

HE NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT.

HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.

MAYBE LOOK AT HIS BOSS IN THE FACE, SIT HIS ASS DOWN,

AND KEEP ON WORKING, MAYBE LOOK IN THE PAPER AND FIND HIMSELF ANOTHER JOB,

BUT I'M GONNA SUCK HIS DICK UNTIL HE FEELS BETTER!

AND SEE, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S STILL SOME DRY DICKS IN DEF JAM TONIGHT.

Y'ALL REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

BUT MY WHOLE POINT IN THIS IS, IF I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK

INTO EMPLOYMENT, WHAT BETTER REASON DO I HAVE

TO BE SUCKING YOUR DICK?

I'M NOT HERE JUST SUCKING DICK FOR DICK SUCKING'S SAKE!

I GOT PURPOSE. I'M GOAL-ORIENTED.

I'M STRIVING TOWARDS SOME SHIT.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER FOR YOU AND ME.

ALL THE FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING WON'T DO, BABY.

CAN'T KEEP GOING FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING.

IT WON'T WORK OUT, BABY.

IT WON'T WORK OUT.

THEY GOT SHIT OUT HERE, TALK ABOUT WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS,

WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS.

WE NOT GOLD DIGGERS. WE JUST TRYING TO LIVE, NIGGA.

I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK IN THE DARK.

CAN I GET $20 ON A LIGHT BILL? THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

WE CAN WORK IT OUT BETWEENST THE TWO OF US, YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA SAY THIS TO ENCOURAGE THE WOMEN.

I HEAR ALL THE TIME THAT MEN DON'T CHEAT ON US BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE US.

IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LOVE US.

IT'S JUST THAT THEY WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

SO IT DON'T MEAN THAT IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, BABY.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

MIGHT BE A LITTLE WETTER, LITTLE TIGHTER, LITTLE DRIER,

LITTLE LOOSER, BITCH, I DON'T KNOW. IT AIN'T YOURS.

YOU KNOW? I HAD TO BE REAL WITH MYSELF AND FIND OUT THAT

YOU KNOW WHAT? I AIN'T GOT THE BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD.

Y'ALL GOT QUIET, LIKE, "SHE DON'T?

LIKE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

I GOT SHORTS ON. I CAN'T PROVE IT RIGHT NOW, BUT LOOK,

BUT I WANT TO SAY I HAD TO BE REAL.

I AIN'T GOT THE BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD. IT'S GOOD.

BUT IT'S NOT THE BEST. AND HOW I KNOW THAT IS

BECAUSE MEN DO CRAZY SHIT OVER PUSSY.

EVERYBODY IN HERE KNOWS SOMEBODY THAT LOST THEIR MIND

OVER SOME PUSSY.

IN JAIL RIGHT NOW OVER SOME PUSSY.

GOT AN ASSAULT CHARGE AND, YOU KNOW, PUTS HANDS ON SOMEBODY.

I KNOW A NIGGA WENT ON A KILLING SPREE,

ON DEATH ROW RIGHT NOW OVER SOME PUSSY.

I SAID TO MYSELF, "WHAT KIND OF PUSSY IS THAT?"

WHAT IF THAT PUSSY MAKE YOU KILL SOMEBODY?

WHAT IS THAT MURDEROUS PUSSY?

I AIN'T GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY. I DON'T EVEN THINK I WANT THAT DEMON PUSSY.

WHAT PUT THAT IN YOU LIKE THAT?

GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY.

I GOT LIKE FISTICUFF PUSSY, YOU KNOW?

NIGGAS BE FIGHTING OVER MY SHIT, BUT THEY AIN'T GONNA GO TO JAIL.

I GOT BAR FIGHT PUSSY.

A NIGGA WILL TEAR THE CLUB UP ABOUT MY SHIT,

BUT HE AIN'T GONNA KILL NOBODY.

I GOT MISDEMEANOR, HOUSE-ARREST, PAROLE-TYPE PUSSY.

THIS COMMUNITY SERVICE PUSSY.

THIS AIN'T SO HOMICIDAL, CSI-TYPE PUSSY.

THAT AIN'T THE TYPE OF PUSSY I POSSESS.

I GOT THAT GET LOUD IN THE PARKING LOT TYPE PUSSY.

I GOT THAT THROW A ROCK AND RUN TYPE OF PUSSY.

I GOT THAT "I WISH YOU WOULD" TYPE PUSSY.

LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD FUCK WITH MY BITCH!"

LIKE YOU AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT. JUST BE LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD,

MOTHER..."

AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT.

AND FOR THOSE OF Y'ALL THAT AIN'T LAUGHING,

Y'ALL GONNA BE THE MAIN ONES GOING HOME MAKING A GAME

CALLED "THAT'S MY PUSSY."

SOME OF Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE LIKE, "I GOT DISHWASHING PUSSY.

"HE BE WASHING DISHES ABOUT MY SHIT,

BUT HE WON'T GO TO WORK"

I BE LIKE, "DAMN, BITCH. THAT'S SOME PUSSY."

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME. MY NAME IS VANESSA FRACTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- MURDERER PUSSY. GODDAMN! YOU KNOW THEY CALL THAT SOME PUSSY I GOT TO HAVE.

FUCK THAT SHIT. I GOT BAIL MONEY. FUCK Y'ALL. SHIT.

FUCK YOU.

I'LL BE IN JAIL HAPPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

FUCK THAT--Y'ALL DON'T FORGET. SHE'S A COMEDIENNE.

DON'T Y'ALL TRY THAT "AT LEAST" SHIT AT HOME.

FUCK WRONG, GET THE SHIT KNOCKED OUT OF YOU.

"I GOT A BLACK EYE."

"WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T HIT YOU IN YOUR OTHER EYE."

THIS CAT RIGHT HERE IS WITHOUT A DOUBT

ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS IN THE COUNTRY.

HE'S A BAD YOUNG CAT. YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON NBC'S "THE OFFICE."

FROM BOSTON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG

FOR MY CAT--PATRICE O'NEAL.

- YES. WOMEN POWER.

FANTASTIC.

HERE'S WHAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY GIRL:

SHE BEEN WITH ME FOR 5 YEARS.

I ONLY BEEN WITH HER FOR 8 MONTHS.

I'M LOOKING AT HER LIKE, "BITCH, YOU DIDN'T REALIZE

YOU WAS A HO FOR 4 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS?"

WOMEN LOVE A LITTLE BETTER.

Y'ALL LOVE BETTER THAN US.

YOU EVER GET SICK AND SHIT? YOU GOT SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT NIGGAS DON'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

SO YOU JUST LIKE, "OH, SHIT. I'M GETTING READY TO DIE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON."

YOU COUGHING. AND THEN YOUR GIRL COME IN,

AND SHE LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU AIN'T GONNA DIE.

"I'M GONNA SAVE YOU. OH, MY GOD.

"I'M GONNA GET YOU SOUP. I'M GONNA KISS YOUR BACK.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CATCH WHAT YOU GOT."

AND SHE GET YOU THROUGH THAT SICKNESS.

THE SHE GET SICK. AND YOU BE LIKE,

"GODDAMN!

"BITCH, YOU CAN'T MAKE SOUP. YOU THAT SICK.

[LAUGHS]

"HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T CATCH THIS AGAIN.

I TOOK A WEEK OFF WHEN I HAD IT LAST WEEK, BITCH!"

HERE'S SOMETHING Y'ALL GOT TO UNDERSTAND, NIGGAS.

Y'ALL THINK YOU KNOW ME. YOU DON'T KNOW A GODDAMN FUCKING

THING 'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU.

SENSE OF HUMOR.

THIS IS IF YOU WANT US TO LIKE YOU.

I MEAN, YOU CAN GO AROUND AND DO WHAT YOU DO.

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO LIKE US, THIS IS WHAT...

MEN'S SENSE OF HUMOR'S BASED ON THIS, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE:

IT'S--WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT DUMB SHIT.

WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT SHIT. WE'RE VERY THOUGHTFUL ABOUT

SHIT THAT MEANS NOTHING.

HERE'S A CONVERSATION TWO DUDES CAN HAVE IF WOMEN WEREN'T AROUND

TO FUCK UP THE FUN OF THE CONVERSATION.

I CAN LOOK AT YOU AND GO, "HEY, YO. HEY, WOULD YOU FUCKIN' BITCH IF SHE DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE?"

AND...LOOK...WAIT.

BUT HERE'S WHAT HE'LL DO. HE'LL DO THIS.

"WHAT YOU MEAN--NO NOSE? LIKE THE TIP IS GONE?"

"NAW, NIGGA. A HOLE IN THE FACE LIKE A SKELETON."

"CAN I COVER THE HOLE WITH MY HAND AND SHIT?

"NAW, NIGGA, YOU GOT TO FUCK HER

AND LOOK HER RIGHT IN THE HOLE IN THE FACE."

"WHAT SHE LOOK LIKE, OTHER THAN THE HOLE IN THE FACE?"

"SHE FINE AS A MOTHERFUCKER."

"UH...ALL RIGHT, NIGGA. I'LL FUCK A BITCH WITHOUT A NOSE."

NOW...

ASK YOUR GIRL THAT SHIT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO...

"WOULD YOU FUCK A GUY WITHOUT A NOSE?"

"I COULDN'T FUCK A GUY WITHOUT A NOSE.

"THAT SHIT'S STUPID.

"YOU CAN'T...[STAMMERING]

"FUCKING NOSE.

"YOU CAN'T KEEP BREATHING WITHOUT A NOSE.

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NOSE.

HOW CAN YOU NOT TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL...NOSE?"

"CAN YOU JUST BE HYPOTHETICAL FOR 5 MINUTES, BITCH?

HYPOTHETICAL. THAT'S WHY WE DO IT."

"TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S STUPID. A COPTER AND A ROBOT..."

[STAMMERING]

Y'ALL WILL LEARN.

OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE. HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU.

SERIOUS. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.

UM, HERE'S HOW YOU LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN LIKE YOU

AND DESIRE WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH IS LOVE.

ALL RIGHT.

EQUATE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR VAGINA

TO HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OUR TIME AND OUR SPACE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

WHAT WE HAVE TO DO TO GET PUSSY, THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO NOW,

I CAN'T FUCK YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL.

YOU GOT TO DESIRE TO WANT TO FUCK ME.

IF I FUCK YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL, THAT'S RAPE.

NOW, IF I'M ON THE PHONE, I SAY, "LOOK, I GOT TO GO.

AND YOU SAY, "WHY YOU GOT TO GO?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SOME MORE."

YOU ARE RAPING MY TIME.

YOU ARE...

TAKING SOMETHING FROM ME.

NO MEANS NO, BITCH. I SAID I GOT TO GO!

WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME TO STAY ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO YOU?

ABOUT NOTHING?

[LAUGHS]

A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN HERE. YOU WONDER WHY LOT OF MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK WHITE GIRLS?

HERE IT IS.

WHITE WOMEN. I'M SERIOUS, YOU JUST DO THIS,

BECAUSE MEN LOVE PUSSY IN GENERAL, SO WE TRY TO LEARN ABOUT IT ALL.

WHITE WOMEN ARE ABOUT 15-20 YEARS AHEAD OF Y'ALL

IN DOING NASTY SHIT.

HOLD ON. BLACK WOMEN JUST STARTED TAKING IT IN THE ASS, WHEN? WHAT?

12-13 YEARS AGO WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR?

WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR, Y'ALL WOULD TAKE IT IN THE ASS.

WHEN I WAS 19, I COULDN'T EVEN DO THE WET THUMB.

IF I WAS FUCKING LIKE-- I COULDN'T EVEN DO THIS

AND STICK IT IN THE ASSHOLE.

I HAD A BITCH HAVE A BUTT-NAKED MEETING WITH ME

WHEN I TRIED TO PUT A THUMB IN HER ASS, SHE STOPPED ME,

WAS ALL, "WHY WOULD YOU...?

"WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR THUMB IN MY ASSHOLE? SERIOUS, NO.

"YOU TALK TO ME.

'CAUSE YOU GET HEPATITIS AND ALL TYPE OF SHIT FROM THAT."

AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. "I DON'T KNOW.

"I JUST FELT LIKE PUTTING MY THUMB IN YOUR ASSHOLE.

"IT WAS THERE. I JUST WAS GONNA SMOOSH IT IN.

AND IT'S JUST THERE."

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU HEAR WOMEN GOING, "EW." HERE'S THE LESSON.

ANYTHING SELFISH THAT YOU GO, "EW," DO THAT.

DON'T BE PRETTY WITH IT. LOOKIT, I WANT A GIRL,

WHEN SHE'S SUCKING MY DICK, I WANT HER TO LOOK

LIKE A UGLY MOTHERFUCKER PLAYING DICE.

AND SPIT ON IT.

AND CHOKE ON IT A LITTLE BIT. WE LIKE THAT, TOO.

[HOCKS SPIT] THAT'S SEXY.

[HOCKS SPIT]

I GOTTA GO, MAN. Y'ALL TAKE CARE.

THANK YOU.

- HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?

[CHEERS]

Y'ALL AIN'T HEARD ME Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?

STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW IT. STAND UP.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE--

RUSSELL SIMMONS.

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

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