Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

- I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING STAY OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PRESS.

I AIN'T COMING FROM NO FOOLISHNESS.

IN NEW YORK, GOD DAMMIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKIN' WOMEN LOOK GOOD.

Y'ALL LIKE A PICK OF THE DAY SANDWICH--LOOK GOOD.

'CAUSE I LOVE SEX. I LOVE IT!

I CAN'T DO SHIT NO MORE.

AND I'M BLESSED.

[WOMEN SCREAM]

- I'M BIG-BONEDED.

I'M HEAVY STRUCTURED.

I'M HUNG LOW. IF I PULL MY SHIT OUT, THIS WHOLE ROOM GET DARK.

KICK IT!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪

- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"

WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- DAMON JUNIOR,

VINCENT OSHANA,

GINA YASHERE,

AND CAPONE!

I AM YOUR MAN--THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY--THE KID CAPRI!

AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.

LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!

- ALL RIGHT, NOW, HOW Y'ALL DOING?

[CHEERING]

ONE MORE TIME. KID CAPRI.

WHAT UP, MAN?

THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOT ON A RED LEATHER, MEMBER'S ONLY.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

SHIT IN THE NEWS IS MESSIN' ME UP, MAN.

LIKE, THIS IMMIGRATION THING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, MAN.

YOU KNOW PEOPLE IS FUCKED UP, 'CAUSE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON IMMIGRANTS.

EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOOK A BOAT,

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT.

YOU GONNA CHANGE THAT-- AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

TRIED TO GET ON THE "WE SHOULD CLOSE THE BORDERS TO ALL FOREIGNERS."

YEAH, AND WE'LL START WITH AUSTRIA, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

EVERYBODY ALWAYS WANT TO CLOSE THE BORDER WHEN THEY GET IN.

I DIDN'T CLOSE IT!

EVERYBODY'S RUNNING FOR FUCKIN' PRESIDENT.

WE GOT A WOMAN, A BLACK MAN, AND A MORMON.

SOUND LIKE I'M GETTING READY TO TELL A GODDAMN BAR JOKE, DON'T IT?

THEN WE GOT BARACK OBAMA'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,

AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING THE QUESTION--THAT'S TRUE--

THAT'S TRUE-- [APPLAUSE]

AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING THE QUESTION: ARE WE REALLY READY FOR A BLACK PRESIDENT?

AFTER THE MOTHERFUCKER WE GOT, COME ON, NOW!

HOW BAD CAN WE FUCK UP?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, STEAL AN ELECTION, START A WAR,

GIVE OUR FRIENDS JOBS WE KNOW THEY AIN'T QUALIFIED FOR?

THAT SHIT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.

IF WE GET A BLACK PRESIDENT,

Y'ALL GET READY FOR QUESTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE

YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

"MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU BURNING INCENSE IN HERE?"

"MR. PRESIDENT, AIR FORCE ONE IS YOUR PLANE NOT YOUR SHOES.

"JESUS CHRIST!

"CHICKEN AGAIN, MR. PRESIDENT?

"MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR WIFE JUST ASKED FOR A HOT COMB.

"NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS.

"WE ASKED CONDOLEEZZA, BUT SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T USE HERS.

"MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU GONNA GET SLEEPY AFTER EVERY SINGLE MEAL, JESUS CHRIST.

"NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT ITIS IS, SHIT!

"MR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY IS ASLEEP AND SECURE IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM,

"BUT THERE'S A WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE YOUR

BABY MAMA AT THE BACK GATE, MR. PRESIDENT."

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING?

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT. COMEDY DEFINITELY RUNS IN THIS MAN'S FAMILY.

HERE HE IS-- IN LIVING COLOR--

GIVE IT UP FOR DAMON JUNIOR!

- WHAT UP? DEF JAM MAKE SOME NOISE!

YEAH!

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE. I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, Y'ALL.

THIS WORLD IS GETTING CRAZIER AND CRAZIER EVERY FUCKIN' DAY.

RIGHT? LIKE, THERE'S A NEW DISEASE ALMOST EVERY YEAR, RIGHT?

LIKE BY SOME TYPE OF ANIMAL. LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO BIRD FLU?

REMEMBER BIRD FLU?

IT HIT, BUT LIKE NOBODY GOT SICK AND SHIT.

LIKE, REMEMBER THAT?

AND, AS A BROTHER, THAT KIND OF PISSED ME OFF,

'CAUSE THAT WAS GONNA BE MY NEW EXCUSE TO CALL IN SICK FROM WORK.

AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT.

GONNA, YOU KNOW, NOT FEEL LIKE GOING TO WORK, CALL THE BOSS UP,

LIKE, "YO. HEY, LISTEN, MAN. LET ME TALK TO THE BOSS.

"YEAH, WHAT'S UP? HEY, LISTEN, I'M NOT COMING IN TODAY.

"YEAH. I GOT IT. THAT BIRD FLU.

"HOLD ON ONE SECOND. [COUGH, CAW]

"ALL RIGHT, I'M BACK.

"YEAH. YEAH. IT'S PRETTY BAD, MAN. IT'S PRETTY...

"IT'S PRETTY BAD. IT'S IN MY CHEST AND EVERY--

[CAWS]

"NAW, I AIN'T COMING IN, MAN. NAW. THE WHOLE--

"I'VE BEEN SHITTING ON WINDSHIELDS ALL DAY, SON!

"I AIN'T COMING IN. I'VE BEEN MOLTING.

AND I'VE BEEN WALKING LIKE A FUCKIN' PIGEON."

I FEEL SO BAD FOR PIGEONS. YOU EVER WATCH PIGEONS?

THEY CAN'T--THEY HAVE TO MOVE THEIR HEADS EVERY STEP

OF THE FUCKING...

IMAGINE A LIFETIME OF JUST SON OF A BITCH!

FOR YOUR LEGS TO MOVE, THEY HAVE TO...

THAT'D BE SOME GOOD HEAD, THOUGH, RIGHT?

LIKE PIGEON HEAD? OH, MY...

[COOING]

PUT SOME BLACK GIRL LIPS ON THAT PIGEON.

JUST, AW SHIT! SOME FANTASIA LIPS?

FANTASIA LIPS? OH, SHIT!

[COOING]

EVERY NIGGA, EVERY DUDE IN HERE WILL TRY IT ONCE,

AT LEAST ONCE, JUST ONCE. "MMM. BIRD.

"CAN YOU [TRILLING TONGUE] ON MY BALLS?

I LIKE WHEN YOU [TRILLS] ON MY BALLS."

[BIRD FLUTTERING]

I'VE BEEN WATCHING, LIKE, A LOT OF PORNO LATELY.

AND LIKE, YOU KNOW IT GOT A BAD REP,

BUT PORNO'S LIKE THERAPEUTIC, RIGHT, FELLAS?

IT'S THERAPEUTIC. THAT SHIT IS TIGHT.

BUT FELLAS, DON'T YOU HATE THIS?

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU BE WATCHING PORNO, RIGHT?

I KNOW EVERY--DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU WATCHING IT,

YOU SITTING THERE, RIGHT,

AND YOU JERKING OFF, IT'S FEELING REAL GOOD, RIGHT,

IT'S FEELING GREAT, AND LIKE, RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO COME

IT CUTS TO THAT BOY BUTT ANGLE WITH JUST THE MAN ASS

AND THE BALLS?

IT'S JUST A CLOSEUP OF BOY BUTT AND BALLS AND SHIT.

AND NO DUDE WANTS TO COME TO THAT PART,

SO WE ALWAYS WAIT. WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE...

'CAUSE ALL YOU SEE IS THIS. JUST...HAH!

WE JUST WAIT. WE'RE LIKE...

THERE'S ALWAYS LINT. THERE'S ALWAYS FUCKING LINT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING "DEF JAM" IN L.A.

YO, THIS SHIT IS DA BOMB. L.A. OW!

L.A. IS THE LAND OF THE FUCKING GANGSTERS.

LIKE, IT'S JUST GANGSTERS, THUGS, LOVE THAT SHIT.

BUT MY ONLY THING WITH GANGSTERS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GANGSTER, BE A GANGSTER AT ALL TIMES.

YOU KNOW? LIKE, BE A GANGSTER 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.

GANGSTA. YOU KNOW, THERE SHOULD BE NO GAPS IN YOUR GANGSTA AND SHIT, ALL RIGHT?

LIKE, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I THINK THAT GANGSTERS SHOULD JUST NEVER DO.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TO GET SOME FOOD THE OTHER DAY.

AND THIS DUDE WAS TRYING TO MAD-DOG ME,

BUT HE WAS SUCKING ON A POPSICLE AT THE SAME TIME.

SO IT WAS LIKE KIND OF HARD FOR ME TO TAKE HIM--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU CAN'T MAD-DOG ME

WITH A BIG STICK IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU KNOW?

HE WASN'T EVEN BITING OR NOTHING, JUST...

"FUCK THIS NIGGA LOOKING AT, HOMEY?

"AW, CUZ!

"BRAIN FREEZE, CUZ.

ANOTHER THING.

IF YOU A GANGSTA, THERE ARE CERTAIN WAYS YOU SHOULD TALK ON THE PHONE.

IF YOU A GANGSTA, TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE A GANGSTA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A THUG. JUST HARD TALKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE "ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO GET THIS, NIGGA?

"YEAH. I GOT THE HEAT. LET'S SMASH ON THESE NIGGAS.

LET'S DO THIS!"

THAT'S GANGSTA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTA IF YOU TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE THIS:

"HELLO?

"YEAH, I KILLED THAT NIGGA.

"NAW, NIGGA WAS ACTING LIKE A STRAY BITCH.

"I HAD TO DO THAT SHIT.

"TOOK HIS WILD ASS...

"SHOWED EVERYTHING, NIGGA.

"YEAH, I GOT SHOES ON RIGHT NOW, CUZ.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HOLLER AT YOU.

"YOU HANG UP FIRST, CUZ.

"ALL RIGHT, SAME TIME. 1, 2, 3.

I STILL HEAR YOU BREATHING, CUZ. YOU TRIPPIN'!"

I'M DAMON JUNIOR. THANK YOU, GUYS.

- DAMON JUNIOR!

ALL RIGHT, THIS CAT IS ONE OF THE YOUNG GUNS IN THE COMEDY GAME.

FROM YONKERS, NEW YORK, PUT IT TOGETHER FOR VINCENT OSHANA!

- WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

WHAT UP, MIDDLE EASTERNERS, MAKE SOME NOISE. WHERE YOU AT?

SECURITY. SECURITY. RIGHT THE FUCK THERE.

AND TWO RIGHT THERE.

YOU SEE THAT? EYEBROW. ONE EYEBROW RIGHT THERE.

I'M BUGGIN' OUT. I'M MIDDLE EASTERN.

BUT I'M MAD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD, OUT OF ALL THE MINORITIES,

GOD HOOKED US UP THE LEAST. YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE, WE'RE THE HAIRIEST FUCKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

AND EVEN IF YOU THINK OF ANIMALS

THAT REPRESENT PEOPLE'S CULTURES,

WE GOT THE WORST ONE-- YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE, BLACK PEOPLE. GOD HOOKED Y'ALL UP. YOU GOT THE LION.

KING OF THE JUNGLE, RIGHT?

ANYBODY ELSE? ASIANS? Y'ALL GET A FUCKING DRAGON.

SPITS FIRE.

YOU THINK OF US, FUCKING CAMEL.

IS THAT THE UGLIEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD--

JUST HUMPS FOR NO REASON AND SHIT?

JUST ARRGH! [SPITS] SPITTING AT PEOPLE AND SHIT.

AND WHAT A LAZY ANIMAL.

THAT CAMEL'S THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT YOU'LL BE RIDING

AND IN MID-WALK, THE MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GIVE UP.

A LOT OF CHANGES IN MY LIFE THIS YEAR.

I STOPPED WATCHING BLACK PORN THIS YEAR.

FINISHED THAT SHIT.

Y'ALL RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE.

FOR REAL. 'CAUSE BROTHERS, YOU OWN A LOT OF PORNOS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND I WAS WATCHING SO MUCH OF IT THAT I WAS MEMORIZING SHIT

THAT THEY WERE SAYING IN THE PORNO

SUBCONSCIOUSLY, AND IT SLIPPED OUT IN MY SEX LIFE.

SOME EMBARRASSING SHIT.

I WAS JUST TEARING THIS GIRL UP DOGGY STYLE, JUST KILLING IT,

LIKE JUST WRECKING, SHE WAS LIKE, "AHH, AHH."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT BIG BLACK DICK?"

HER FACE WAS FUCKIN'... SHE WAS LIKE "AHH. WHAT?"

BUT I DIDN'T SLIP UP. I WAS LIKE "ROLE PLAY, BITCH.

YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ROLE PLAY. ROLE PLAY. I'M BLACK. FUCK IT."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH. GIVE ME THAT BLACK DICK."

AND I WAS IN FULL BLACK GUY CHARACTER.

I WAS BUTT NAKED, BUT I HAD WHITE SOCKS ON ALL THE WAY UP TO HERE.

WITH A FITTED HAT, WITH A FITTED HAT

AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON. JUST "HEY, GIRL."

AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON. JUST "HEY, GIRL."

MY FATHER PASSED AWAY 7 YEARS AGO OF CANCER.

ON HIS DEATHBED, HE WAS LIKE, "VINNY, YOU'RE THE MAN

"OF THE HOUSE, TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER, YOUR BROTHER,

YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE."

AND AT THAT MOMENT IT HIT ME. I'M LIKE, "DAMN!

LIKE IF SOMEBODY DIES IN FRONT OF YOU,

LIKE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY SAY, YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT SHIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE, YOU CAN'T HELP IT. HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, "PEANUT BUTTER."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING...?"

SO AT THAT MOMENT IT HIT ME. I WAS LIKE,

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY FOR ME.

I'M ABOUT TO DIE, AND EVERYBODY'S SURROUNDED

AROUND ME, LIKE TRYING TO HEAR WHAT THE HELL I'M GONNA SAY LAST.

I'M A COMIC. MY DEATH IS GONNA BE A COMEDIC MYSTERY.

IF AT LIKE A PICNIC, OR I GET HIT BY A BUS, I'M ABOUT TO DIE AND SHIT.

EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." I'M LIKE, "EVERYBODY, COME HERE.

"MOM, EVERYBODY, GET CLOSE. LISTEN. I GOT TO TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

I LEFT $10,000 UNDER THE..."

YOU KNOW MOTHERFUCKERS BE LIKE, "WHAT?"

MY DREAM AS A KID WAS TO BE A MAGICIAN.

LIKE, THE FACT THAT I SAW THAT THEY HAD THAT POWER

TO MAKE SHIT DISAPPEAR. I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.

AND LIKE, MY FAVORITE MAGICIAN OF TODAY IS DAVID BLAINE.

Y'ALL KNOW WHO-- DAVID BLAINE, THE DUDE WITH LONG HAIR.

IN THE INTERVIEW, HE TOLD THE INTERVIEWER,

HE WAS LIKE, "I PRACTICE MAGIC 24 HOURS A DAY."

HE'S LIKE, "I'M ALWAYS PRACTICING MAGIC TO BE THIS GREAT."

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. IS DAVID BLAINE REALLY THAT DUDE?

LIKE, IS HE PRACTICING MAGIC... LIKE EVEN IF HE'S IN BED,

LET'S SAY HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRL?

IS HE PRACTICING TRICKS AND SHIT, LIKE, IN THERE?

LIKE, IS DAVID BLAINE HITTING OFF HIS GIRL, HE'S LIKE,

HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM. HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

GIRL, IT'S ABOUT TO BE MAGIC TIME."

RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM,

HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT. YOU READY? YOU READY?

"HERE IT IS.

WHERE IS IT?"

AND SHE'S PUTTING ON HER JEANS. SHE'S LIKE,

"DAVID, DON'T DO THIS SHIT. I'M NOT ON THE PILL.

YOU WEREN'T WEARING A CONDOM. WHERE IS IT?"

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK IN YOUR JEAN POCKETS." SHE'S LIKE...

"FUCKING DAVID BLAINE. YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS: WHAT IF DAVID BLAINE FORGOT TO SHUT THAT POWER OFF, RIGHT?

IT'S THE NEXT DAY, HIS GIRLFRIEND'S AT WORK AND SHIT.

DAVID BLAINE'S AT HOME JUST JERKING OFF,

AND WHEN HE NUTS, IT DISAPPEARS AGAIN.

HE'S JUST LIKE, "MAGIC TIME. OHH!

"OH, SHIT. THIS BITCH IS GONNA COME HOME, FIND IT,

AND FUCKING KILL ME."

AND THE PHONE RINGS, AND IT'S HIS GIRL AT WORK,

AND SHE'S LIKE [MUMBLING] "DAVE, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE."

MY NAME'S VINCENT OSHANA. GOD BLESS YOU.

- Y'ALL GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN, VINCENT. VERY FUNNY DUDE.

MOTHERFUCKER LOOK LIKE VIN DIESEL, DON'T HE?

GOD DAMN! I WAS LIKE...

OH, SHIT. THAT "PACIFIER" WAS A ROUGH MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT THERE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS YOUNG LADY HAILS FROM LONDON.

GIVE IT UP FOR GINA YASHERE.

- HEY, "DEF JAM LOS ANGELES," HOW ARE WE DOING?"

YES. I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.

I'M THE FIRST BRITISH COMIC ON "DEF COMEDY JAM."

CLAP IT UP. CLAP IT UP. YEAH.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND, DID YOU?

THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND. THERE'S MILLIONS OF US.

WE ARE EVERYWHERE. THAT'S RIGHT.

WHEREVER THE WHITE PEOPLE GO, WE FOLLOW THEIR ASSES.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED

MY MUM FOLLOWED THE WHITE PEOPLE FROM NIGERIA, WEST AFRICA.

- WHOO. NIGER! - YEAH. TO ENGLAND.

SHE'S LIKE, "YES. YES. MR. WHITE MAN, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE IN AFRICA.

"I'M COMING WITH YOU. I'M COMING.

"OH, YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME HERE. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I'M LEAVING."

BUT PEOPLE KEEP SAYING TO ME THAT MY ACCENT IS CUTE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE CUTE.

I WANT TO BE GHETTO.

ARGH! ARGH!

I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT, RIGHT?

I SAW A GUY STANDING ON A STREET CORNER.

BAGGY PANTS, BASEBALL CAP WITH THE LABEL STILL ON IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL THAT IS FASHIONABLE, BUT IT IS.

AND I WENT UP TO HIM,

I WENT, "HEY, WHAT'S POPPIN', MOTHERFUCKER? G-UNIT."

YEAH. HE TOOK MY WATCH.

BUT WE GET ALL THE SAME TV SHOWS AS YOU GUYS DO.

OH, YEAH. WE GET "CRIBS." WE GET "MTV CRIBS." YEAH.

CRIBS! EVERY RAPPER HAS GOT THE SAME STORY, HAVEN'T THEY?

THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD. THEY'RE ALL FROM THE GHETTO.

IS THE GHETTO THAT BIG? IS IT?

EVERY SINGLE RAPPER, "YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH!

"BITCH! FUCK YOU, MAN! I'M FROM THE HOOD, BITCH!

"YEAH, BITCH! FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH.

"I'M FROM THE STREETS, MAN. YEAH! YEAH!

"I WAS IN PRISON 30 YEARS, AND I'M 28. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH!

YEAH, YEAH, BITCH. YEAH!"

AND THEN YOU GO INTO THEIR HOUSES, AND THEY'VE GOT CHANDELIERS.

THAT'S NOT GHETTO! THAT'S NOT HOOD.

THEY'RE HYPOCRITES.

"YEAH, BITCH, YEAH. I'M FROM THE HOOD.

"MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH, BITCH. YEAH. FROM THE STREETS, MAN.

"YEAH. I BEEN SHOT 10 TIMES IN MY EYE. THAT'S RIGHT.

"BITCH, YEAH. I'M FROM THE HOOD.

"YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH!

BUT THESE TILES ARE FROM ROME."

AND WHAT IS THE RAPPER'S OBSESSION WITH THE MAFIA?

EVERY TIME YOU GO INTO THEIR HOUSES, THEY'VE ALL GOT COPIES OF "GODFATHER" AND "SCARFACE."

THE MAFIA DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T. THEY DON'T LIKE US.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLACK "SOPRANO"? NO!

THEY DON'T LIKE US.

THEY CALL US MULIGNON.

NOW, I'M NOT AN EXPERT OF LANGUAGES, BUT I THINK IT'S PROBABLY ITALIAN FOR NIGGER.

ALL RIGHT?

I WENT DOWN TO VENICE BEACH.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. HAD A GOOD TIME DOWN THERE.

OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T GO IN THE WATER.

WELL, I'M A BLACK WOMAN.

I'M NOT GETTING MY HAIR WET FOR ANYBODY.

AND I KNOW THAT IS INTERNATIONAL.

YOU ARE NEVER...

NEVER. YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE A BLACK WOMAN

ON THE OLYMPIC SWIMMING TEAM, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE A BLACK WOMAN IN THE MOVIES

WHERE YOU HAVE TO MAKE LOVE IN THE SHOWER, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD NOT LOOK ROMANTIC

WITH A BLACK WOMAN IN IT.

BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE IN THAT SHOWER

WITH A SAFEWAY GROCERY BAG.

IT'S IN THE BIBLE. IT'S IN THE BIBLE, PEOPLE.

IT IS DOCUMENTED.

THERE IS THE PASSAGE WHERE MOSES TAKES THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL

TO THE BANKS OF THE RED SEA AND SAYS,

"WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THIS."

IT WAS A BLACK WOMAN THAT TURNED TO MOSES.

"MOSES?

"I'VE JUST HAD MY HAIR RELAXED.

YOU BETTER PART THAT SHIT."

LISTEN, I'M GINA YASHERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

- GIVE IT TO HER, Y'ALL. DO SOMETHING.

THAT WAS HYSTERICAL. SHE WRITES.

WOMEN WILL WRAP THEIR FUCKING HAIR UP. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT?

MY WIFE COME TO BED WITH A FUCKING BLACK HAT ON HER FUCKING HEAD.

WHAT IS THAT? I FEEL LIKE I'M SLEEPING WITH THE TALIBAN OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

WHAT THE...?

ALL RIGHT, LAST SEASON, THIS NEXT CAT RIPPED THE STAGE APART,

SO WE BROUGHT HIM BACK FOR MORE.

YOU KNOW HIM AS THE GANGSTA OF COMEDY.

PUT IT TOGETHER FOR CAPONE!

- WASSUP, Y'ALL? WASSUP?

GONNA DEDICATE THIS SHOW TO THE TROOPS.

YES. YES.

THEY ARE BRAVE!

COULDN'T BE ME. NO, SIR.

I WOULDN'T BE OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR NOBODY.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I'M GONNA TELL THE TRUTH.

FUCK FIGHTING. NO, SIR. I'D BE A PUNK IN SOME ARAB LADY'S HOUSE...

TILL THIS SHIT IS OVER WITH.

THEY SENDING THE WRONG PEOPLE. THEM YOUNG KIDS

THEY SENDING OUT THERE TO FIGHT.

THEY NEED TO SEND MOTHERFUCKERS WHO GOT LIFE IN PRISON.

- YEAH. - THAT'S WHO THEY NEED TO SEND.

LET THEM MOTHERFUCKERS GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT.

IF YOU MAKE IT HOME, YOU FREE.

IF YOU DON'T, YOU WAS GONNA DIE ANYWAY, BITCH!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

'CAUSE WE STARTED WITH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

WE FUCKED WITH THEM ARABS FIRST. Y'ALL KNOW EVERYBODY IN HERE

DONE WENT IN ONE OF THEM STORES AND FUCKED WITH...

"MAKE ME A SLURPY, HABIB BITCH!"

HABIB WAS ALWAYS NICE. "OK. NO PROBLEM. GOODY GOODY."

"PUT 10 ON 12, HABIB BITCH!"

EVER SINCE THEY KNOCKED DOWN THE TOWERS,

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS DONE CHANGED. TURNED INTO THUGS.

THEY EVEN WEAR THEIR TURBANS TILTED TO THE SIDE.

WALK IN THERE, LOOK AT YOUR GIRL IN FRONT OF YOU.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT?

DON'T FUCK AROUND, NIGGA. YOU KNOW. TICKY TICKY BOOM!"

SHIT!

I DON'T FUCK WITH THEM NIGGAS.

NO, SIR.

AND WE LUCKY THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER THERE.

IF THEY WAS OVER HERE, WE'D BE FUCKED UP.

SOME OF Y'ALL WHITE PEOPLE WOULD BE FUCKED UP.

I GOT THE COLOR. I GOT A TURBAN AND A SHEET IN MY CAR.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

SOON AS THEY COME, "WHO ARE YOU?"

"MOHAMMED, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?

"NO. I'M YOUR FRIEND AT SCHOOL EVERY DAY.

COME ON, PLEASE."

SHIT, MAN.

IT'S GOD DAMN CRAZY, MAN.

YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. SHIT.

GOD DAMN WARS AND ALL THIS SHIT.

THIS RACISM SHIT GOING ON.

IT'S CRAZY OUT HERE, TOO, MAN.

ALL THE FUCKING RACISM. I CAN'T BELIEVE.

IT'S SO BAD NOW, RACIST PEOPLE ARE RACIST TO THEIR OWN KIND.

WHITE PEOPLE CALLING EACH OTHER CRACKER NOW.

WHAT THE HELL THAT START? IT ALWAYS START IN THE CAR.

THAT'S WHERE RACISM KICK-- I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE,

IF YOU IN YOUR CAR, SOMEBODY CUT YOU OFF,

YOU GONNA LET 'EM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

YOU'LL PULL RIGHT UP TO 'EM. "YOU SAW MY CAR! BITCH!"

I TAKE RACISM TO A NEW LEVEL. I'M FUCKING RACIST. FUCK IT.

I GOT ME A NICE CAR. AND I DRIVE MY SHIT THROUGH MY OLD HOOD.

'CAUSE THEY SAID I WASN'T GONNA BE SHIT.

I SHOW 'EM. BEEP BEEP! UH-HUH, YES, SIR. GOD DAMN!

SHOW THEM MY SHIT.

BUT A MOTHERFUCKER CUT ME OFF.

MY RACISM WENT UP HERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW HIS ASS WAS RACIST, TOO.

CHINESE MOTHERFUCKER.

CUTTIN' ME OFF. I CURSED HIM OUT WITH THE GOOD CURSES.

PULL RIGHT UP TO HIM. "YOU SAW MY CAR, YOU CHINKY-EYED BITCH!"

THIS NIGGA CURSED ME BACK OUT, BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CURSE.

"NO, YOU MOTHER-- I SAW LOOKING AND SUCKING YOUR FAT ASSHOLE AND YOUR MOTHER!"

I SAID, "WHAT YOU SAY, YOU DUCK SAUCE EATING BITCH?"

THIS NIGGA GOT OUT THE CAR AND SHOWED ME HE WASN'T SCARED OF ME.

"NO! YOU MOTHER, I SUCKEE AND YOUR FATHER

"ASSHOLE. LICKIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER,

YOUR FATHER, YOUR MOTHER SAY, 'NO FUCKING ME, NO FUCKING ME.'"

I SAID, "GO AHEAD, NIGGA. YOU WON."

FUCK, I'M GONNA ARGUE WITH THE NIGGA.

WHEN I HIT HIM WITH THE CURSES,

I'M HITTING HIM WITH THE GOOD CURSES.

"FUCK YOU!" IT WAS COMING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TELLING HIM, "FUCK YOU!"

HE, "NO! I LICKIE BALLS ALL YOUR MOTHER-SUCKEE

ALL DAY ASSHOLE, YOUR MOTHER SAW-SASTA!"

MY NAME IS CAPONE, Y'ALL. PEACE.

[CHEERING]

- Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME? STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE.

MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS.

- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪

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♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪

♪ DEF DEF DEF DEF COMEDY JAM ♪

♪ DEF COM--DEF ♪

♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪

♪ DEF DEF DEF DEF COMEDY JAM ♪

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