All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s09e01.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:15,767 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 2 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,700 - I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. 3 00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:29,470 I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING STAY OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PRESS. 4 00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:31,997 I AIN'T COMING FROM NO FOOLISHNESS. 5 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,070 IN NEW YORK, GOD DAMMIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKIN' WOMEN LOOK GOOD. 6 00:00:35,066 --> 00:00:37,326 Y'ALL LIKE A PICK OF THE DAY SANDWICH--LOOK GOOD. 7 00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,973 'CAUSE I LOVE SEX. I LOVE IT! 8 00:00:39,967 --> 00:00:41,627 I CAN'T DO SHIT NO MORE. 9 00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:43,003 AND I'M BLESSED. 10 00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,303 [WOMEN SCREAM] 11 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:49,830 - I'M BIG-BONEDED. 12 00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:52,004 I'M HEAVY STRUCTURED. 13 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,530 I'M HUNG LOW. IF I PULL MY SHIT OUT, THIS WHOLE ROOM GET DARK. 14 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:56,803 KICK IT! 15 00:01:01,166 --> 00:01:03,226 YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. 16 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,403 I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. 17 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,773 - ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪ 18 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:14,127 - IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM" 19 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:17,603 WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY. 20 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:22,270 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- DAMON JUNIOR, 21 00:01:22,266 --> 00:01:24,526 VINCENT OSHANA, 22 00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:27,233 GINA YASHERE, 23 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,503 AND CAPONE! 24 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:34,000 I AM YOUR MAN--THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY--THE KID CAPRI! 25 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,330 AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST. 26 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:41,633 LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY! 27 00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:47,997 - ALL RIGHT, NOW, HOW Y'ALL DOING? 28 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,170 [CHEERING] 29 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:51,966 ONE MORE TIME. KID CAPRI. 30 00:01:52,967 --> 00:01:55,397 WHAT UP, MAN? 31 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,730 THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOT ON A RED LEATHER, MEMBER'S ONLY. 32 00:01:57,734 --> 00:01:59,604 AIN'T THAT A BITCH. 33 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,000 SHIT IN THE NEWS IS MESSIN' ME UP, MAN. 34 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,570 LIKE, THIS IMMIGRATION THING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, MAN. 35 00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:06,967 YOU KNOW PEOPLE IS FUCKED UP, 'CAUSE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON IMMIGRANTS. 36 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:09,767 EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOOK A BOAT, 37 00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:11,197 AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT. 38 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,630 YOU GONNA CHANGE THAT-- AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER 39 00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,433 TRIED TO GET ON THE "WE SHOULD CLOSE THE BORDERS TO ALL FOREIGNERS." 40 00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,833 YEAH, AND WE'LL START WITH AUSTRIA, YOU SON OF A BITCH. 41 00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,234 EVERYBODY ALWAYS WANT TO CLOSE THE BORDER WHEN THEY GET IN. 42 00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:23,303 I DIDN'T CLOSE IT! 43 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,470 EVERYBODY'S RUNNING FOR FUCKIN' PRESIDENT. 44 00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:28,197 WE GOT A WOMAN, A BLACK MAN, AND A MORMON. 45 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:34,670 SOUND LIKE I'M GETTING READY TO TELL A GODDAMN BAR JOKE, DON'T IT? 46 00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:37,267 THEN WE GOT BARACK OBAMA'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, 47 00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:40,026 AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING THE QUESTION--THAT'S TRUE-- 48 00:02:40,033 --> 00:02:42,203 THAT'S TRUE-- [APPLAUSE] 49 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,330 AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING THE QUESTION: ARE WE REALLY READY FOR A BLACK PRESIDENT? 50 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:53,373 AFTER THE MOTHERFUCKER WE GOT, COME ON, NOW! 51 00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:54,867 HOW BAD CAN WE FUCK UP? 52 00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:57,867 WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, STEAL AN ELECTION, START A WAR, 53 00:02:57,867 --> 00:03:01,527 GIVE OUR FRIENDS JOBS WE KNOW THEY AIN'T QUALIFIED FOR? 54 00:03:01,533 --> 00:03:04,673 THAT SHIT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE. 55 00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:07,067 IF WE GET A BLACK PRESIDENT, 56 00:03:07,066 --> 00:03:08,726 Y'ALL GET READY FOR QUESTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE 57 00:03:08,734 --> 00:03:10,534 YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD BEFORE. 58 00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:15,703 "MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU BURNING INCENSE IN HERE?" 59 00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:19,730 "MR. PRESIDENT, AIR FORCE ONE IS YOUR PLANE NOT YOUR SHOES. 60 00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:21,934 "JESUS CHRIST! 61 00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:30,173 "CHICKEN AGAIN, MR. PRESIDENT? 62 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:36,170 "MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR WIFE JUST ASKED FOR A HOT COMB. 63 00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:38,396 "NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS. 64 00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,300 "WE ASKED CONDOLEEZZA, BUT SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T USE HERS. 65 00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:57,204 "MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU GONNA GET SLEEPY AFTER EVERY SINGLE MEAL, JESUS CHRIST. 66 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:03,900 "NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT ITIS IS, SHIT! 67 00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:08,770 "MR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY IS ASLEEP AND SECURE IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM, 68 00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,767 "BUT THERE'S A WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE YOUR 69 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,527 BABY MAMA AT THE BACK GATE, MR. PRESIDENT." 70 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,603 Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING? 71 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,030 [CHEERING] 72 00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:21,473 ALL RIGHT. COMEDY DEFINITELY RUNS IN THIS MAN'S FAMILY. 73 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:22,797 HERE HE IS-- IN LIVING COLOR-- 74 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,400 GIVE IT UP FOR DAMON JUNIOR! 75 00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:37,267 - WHAT UP? DEF JAM MAKE SOME NOISE! 76 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,930 YEAH! 77 00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:46,134 I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE. I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, Y'ALL. 78 00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:49,903 THIS WORLD IS GETTING CRAZIER AND CRAZIER EVERY FUCKIN' DAY. 79 00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,970 RIGHT? LIKE, THERE'S A NEW DISEASE ALMOST EVERY YEAR, RIGHT? 80 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:56,897 LIKE BY SOME TYPE OF ANIMAL. LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO BIRD FLU? 81 00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,770 REMEMBER BIRD FLU? 82 00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,827 IT HIT, BUT LIKE NOBODY GOT SICK AND SHIT. 83 00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,904 LIKE, REMEMBER THAT? 84 00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,770 AND, AS A BROTHER, THAT KIND OF PISSED ME OFF, 85 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:08,427 'CAUSE THAT WAS GONNA BE MY NEW EXCUSE TO CALL IN SICK FROM WORK. 86 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,373 AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT. 87 00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:14,627 GONNA, YOU KNOW, NOT FEEL LIKE GOING TO WORK, CALL THE BOSS UP, 88 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:17,903 LIKE, "YO. HEY, LISTEN, MAN. LET ME TALK TO THE BOSS. 89 00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:21,030 "YEAH, WHAT'S UP? HEY, LISTEN, I'M NOT COMING IN TODAY. 90 00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:26,203 "YEAH. I GOT IT. THAT BIRD FLU. 91 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,100 "HOLD ON ONE SECOND. [COUGH, CAW] 92 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,400 "ALL RIGHT, I'M BACK. 93 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,700 "YEAH. YEAH. IT'S PRETTY BAD, MAN. IT'S PRETTY... 94 00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,170 "IT'S PRETTY BAD. IT'S IN MY CHEST AND EVERY-- 95 00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,666 [CAWS] 96 00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:41,727 "NAW, I AIN'T COMING IN, MAN. NAW. THE WHOLE-- 97 00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:44,274 "I'VE BEEN SHITTING ON WINDSHIELDS ALL DAY, SON! 98 00:05:44,266 --> 00:05:47,826 "I AIN'T COMING IN. I'VE BEEN MOLTING. 99 00:05:47,834 --> 00:05:50,404 AND I'VE BEEN WALKING LIKE A FUCKIN' PIGEON." 100 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,930 I FEEL SO BAD FOR PIGEONS. YOU EVER WATCH PIGEONS? 101 00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:56,434 THEY CAN'T--THEY HAVE TO MOVE THEIR HEADS EVERY STEP 102 00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,273 OF THE FUCKING... 103 00:05:58,266 --> 00:06:04,126 IMAGINE A LIFETIME OF JUST SON OF A BITCH! 104 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:08,403 FOR YOUR LEGS TO MOVE, THEY HAVE TO... 105 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,000 THAT'D BE SOME GOOD HEAD, THOUGH, RIGHT? 106 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,300 LIKE PIGEON HEAD? OH, MY... 107 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,170 [COOING] 108 00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:28,327 PUT SOME BLACK GIRL LIPS ON THAT PIGEON. 109 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:31,433 JUST, AW SHIT! SOME FANTASIA LIPS? 110 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,033 FANTASIA LIPS? OH, SHIT! 111 00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,833 [COOING] 112 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,500 EVERY NIGGA, EVERY DUDE IN HERE WILL TRY IT ONCE, 113 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:48,900 AT LEAST ONCE, JUST ONCE. "MMM. BIRD. 114 00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,000 "CAN YOU [TRILLING TONGUE] ON MY BALLS? 115 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,400 I LIKE WHEN YOU [TRILLS] ON MY BALLS." 116 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,470 [BIRD FLUTTERING] 117 00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:05,803 I'VE BEEN WATCHING, LIKE, A LOT OF PORNO LATELY. 118 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,770 AND LIKE, YOU KNOW IT GOT A BAD REP, 119 00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,867 BUT PORNO'S LIKE THERAPEUTIC, RIGHT, FELLAS? 120 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:12,497 IT'S THERAPEUTIC. THAT SHIT IS TIGHT. 121 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,030 BUT FELLAS, DON'T YOU HATE THIS? 122 00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:17,303 DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU BE WATCHING PORNO, RIGHT? 123 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,100 I KNOW EVERY--DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU WATCHING IT, 124 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,430 YOU SITTING THERE, RIGHT, 125 00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:23,303 AND YOU JERKING OFF, IT'S FEELING REAL GOOD, RIGHT, 126 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,570 IT'S FEELING GREAT, AND LIKE, RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO COME 127 00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,597 IT CUTS TO THAT BOY BUTT ANGLE WITH JUST THE MAN ASS 128 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,300 AND THE BALLS? 129 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,270 IT'S JUST A CLOSEUP OF BOY BUTT AND BALLS AND SHIT. 130 00:07:32,266 --> 00:07:34,526 AND NO DUDE WANTS TO COME TO THAT PART, 131 00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:37,203 SO WE ALWAYS WAIT. WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE... 132 00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,274 'CAUSE ALL YOU SEE IS THIS. JUST...HAH! 133 00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:09,996 WE JUST WAIT. WE'RE LIKE... 134 00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:21,103 THERE'S ALWAYS LINT. THERE'S ALWAYS FUCKING LINT. 135 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,100 I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING "DEF JAM" IN L.A. 136 00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:35,570 YO, THIS SHIT IS DA BOMB. L.A. OW! 137 00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:38,167 L.A. IS THE LAND OF THE FUCKING GANGSTERS. 138 00:08:38,166 --> 00:08:40,096 LIKE, IT'S JUST GANGSTERS, THUGS, LOVE THAT SHIT. 139 00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,730 BUT MY ONLY THING WITH GANGSTERS. 140 00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:45,574 IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GANGSTER, BE A GANGSTER AT ALL TIMES. 141 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:49,167 YOU KNOW? LIKE, BE A GANGSTER 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK. 142 00:08:49,166 --> 00:08:53,626 GANGSTA. YOU KNOW, THERE SHOULD BE NO GAPS IN YOUR GANGSTA AND SHIT, ALL RIGHT? 143 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,373 LIKE, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I THINK THAT GANGSTERS SHOULD JUST NEVER DO. 144 00:08:57,367 --> 00:09:00,167 I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TO GET SOME FOOD THE OTHER DAY. 145 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,596 AND THIS DUDE WAS TRYING TO MAD-DOG ME, 146 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,270 BUT HE WAS SUCKING ON A POPSICLE AT THE SAME TIME. 147 00:09:05,266 --> 00:09:07,826 SO IT WAS LIKE KIND OF HARD FOR ME TO TAKE HIM-- 148 00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,274 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU CAN'T MAD-DOG ME 149 00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:12,066 WITH A BIG STICK IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU KNOW? 150 00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:14,496 HE WASN'T EVEN BITING OR NOTHING, JUST... 151 00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:25,397 "FUCK THIS NIGGA LOOKING AT, HOMEY? 152 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,330 "AW, CUZ! 153 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,600 "BRAIN FREEZE, CUZ. 154 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,130 ANOTHER THING. 155 00:09:36,133 --> 00:09:38,433 IF YOU A GANGSTA, THERE ARE CERTAIN WAYS YOU SHOULD TALK ON THE PHONE. 156 00:09:38,433 --> 00:09:40,833 IF YOU A GANGSTA, TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE A GANGSTA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 157 00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,234 LIKE A THUG. JUST HARD TALKING. 158 00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:46,633 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE "ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO GET THIS, NIGGA? 159 00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:48,773 "YEAH. I GOT THE HEAT. LET'S SMASH ON THESE NIGGAS. 160 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:49,867 LET'S DO THIS!" 161 00:09:49,867 --> 00:09:51,667 THAT'S GANGSTA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 162 00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:54,297 YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTA IF YOU TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE THIS: 163 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:57,270 "HELLO? 164 00:09:57,266 --> 00:10:00,396 "YEAH, I KILLED THAT NIGGA. 165 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,130 "NAW, NIGGA WAS ACTING LIKE A STRAY BITCH. 166 00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:04,433 "I HAD TO DO THAT SHIT. 167 00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:06,573 "TOOK HIS WILD ASS... 168 00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:09,997 "SHOWED EVERYTHING, NIGGA. 169 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,830 "YEAH, I GOT SHOES ON RIGHT NOW, CUZ. 170 00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,874 "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HOLLER AT YOU. 171 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,467 "YOU HANG UP FIRST, CUZ. 172 00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:24,933 "ALL RIGHT, SAME TIME. 1, 2, 3. 173 00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:28,334 I STILL HEAR YOU BREATHING, CUZ. YOU TRIPPIN'!" 174 00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:31,173 I'M DAMON JUNIOR. THANK YOU, GUYS. 175 00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:43,827 - DAMON JUNIOR! 176 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,666 ALL RIGHT, THIS CAT IS ONE OF THE YOUNG GUNS IN THE COMEDY GAME. 177 00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:56,667 FROM YONKERS, NEW YORK, PUT IT TOGETHER FOR VINCENT OSHANA! 178 00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:03,873 - WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? 179 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:08,334 WHAT UP, MIDDLE EASTERNERS, MAKE SOME NOISE. WHERE YOU AT? 180 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,373 SECURITY. SECURITY. RIGHT THE FUCK THERE. 181 00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,327 AND TWO RIGHT THERE. 182 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:16,403 YOU SEE THAT? EYEBROW. ONE EYEBROW RIGHT THERE. 183 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,300 I'M BUGGIN' OUT. I'M MIDDLE EASTERN. 184 00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,100 BUT I'M MAD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD, OUT OF ALL THE MINORITIES, 185 00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,730 GOD HOOKED US UP THE LEAST. YOU FEEL ME? 186 00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:31,134 LIKE, WE'RE THE HAIRIEST FUCKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. 187 00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:33,073 AND EVEN IF YOU THINK OF ANIMALS 188 00:11:33,066 --> 00:11:34,596 THAT REPRESENT PEOPLE'S CULTURES, 189 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,100 WE GOT THE WORST ONE-- YOU FEEL ME? 190 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,430 LIKE, BLACK PEOPLE. GOD HOOKED Y'ALL UP. YOU GOT THE LION. 191 00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:39,903 KING OF THE JUNGLE, RIGHT? 192 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,400 ANYBODY ELSE? ASIANS? Y'ALL GET A FUCKING DRAGON. 193 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,370 SPITS FIRE. 194 00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,967 YOU THINK OF US, FUCKING CAMEL. 195 00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:50,367 IS THAT THE UGLIEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD-- 196 00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,967 JUST HUMPS FOR NO REASON AND SHIT? 197 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:56,467 JUST ARRGH! [SPITS] SPITTING AT PEOPLE AND SHIT. 198 00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,127 AND WHAT A LAZY ANIMAL. 199 00:11:58,133 --> 00:12:00,333 THAT CAMEL'S THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT YOU'LL BE RIDING 200 00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:03,303 AND IN MID-WALK, THE MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GIVE UP. 201 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,930 A LOT OF CHANGES IN MY LIFE THIS YEAR. 202 00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,974 I STOPPED WATCHING BLACK PORN THIS YEAR. 203 00:12:18,967 --> 00:12:20,997 FINISHED THAT SHIT. 204 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,470 Y'ALL RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE. 205 00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:26,867 FOR REAL. 'CAUSE BROTHERS, YOU OWN A LOT OF PORNOS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 206 00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,697 AND I WAS WATCHING SO MUCH OF IT THAT I WAS MEMORIZING SHIT 207 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,230 THAT THEY WERE SAYING IN THE PORNO 208 00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:33,633 SUBCONSCIOUSLY, AND IT SLIPPED OUT IN MY SEX LIFE. 209 00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,533 SOME EMBARRASSING SHIT. 210 00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,803 I WAS JUST TEARING THIS GIRL UP DOGGY STYLE, JUST KILLING IT, 211 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,900 LIKE JUST WRECKING, SHE WAS LIKE, "AHH, AHH." 212 00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:42,400 I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT BIG BLACK DICK?" 213 00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:56,603 HER FACE WAS FUCKIN'... SHE WAS LIKE "AHH. WHAT?" 214 00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:00,433 BUT I DIDN'T SLIP UP. I WAS LIKE "ROLE PLAY, BITCH. 215 00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,503 YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ROLE PLAY. ROLE PLAY. I'M BLACK. FUCK IT." 216 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,170 AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH. GIVE ME THAT BLACK DICK." 217 00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,866 AND I WAS IN FULL BLACK GUY CHARACTER. 218 00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:13,527 I WAS BUTT NAKED, BUT I HAD WHITE SOCKS ON ALL THE WAY UP TO HERE. 219 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,930 WITH A FITTED HAT, WITH A FITTED HAT 220 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:29,734 AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON. JUST "HEY, GIRL." 221 00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:36,634 AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON. JUST "HEY, GIRL." 222 00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,804 MY FATHER PASSED AWAY 7 YEARS AGO OF CANCER. 223 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,830 ON HIS DEATHBED, HE WAS LIKE, "VINNY, YOU'RE THE MAN 224 00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,304 "OF THE HOUSE, TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER, YOUR BROTHER, 225 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,470 YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE." 226 00:13:43,467 --> 00:13:45,167 AND AT THAT MOMENT IT HIT ME. I'M LIKE, "DAMN! 227 00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,066 LIKE IF SOMEBODY DIES IN FRONT OF YOU, 228 00:13:47,066 --> 00:13:49,826 LIKE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY SAY, YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT SHIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 229 00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,174 YOU FEEL ME? 230 00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,666 LIKE, YOU CAN'T HELP IT. HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING. 231 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,227 HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, "PEANUT BUTTER." 232 00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,603 I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING...?" 233 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,630 SO AT THAT MOMENT IT HIT ME. I WAS LIKE, 234 00:13:58,633 --> 00:14:00,033 I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY FOR ME. 235 00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:01,803 I'M ABOUT TO DIE, AND EVERYBODY'S SURROUNDED 236 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,400 AROUND ME, LIKE TRYING TO HEAR WHAT THE HELL I'M GONNA SAY LAST. 237 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,830 I'M A COMIC. MY DEATH IS GONNA BE A COMEDIC MYSTERY. 238 00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:10,204 IF AT LIKE A PICNIC, OR I GET HIT BY A BUS, I'M ABOUT TO DIE AND SHIT. 239 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,970 EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." I'M LIKE, "EVERYBODY, COME HERE. 240 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:16,197 "MOM, EVERYBODY, GET CLOSE. LISTEN. I GOT TO TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING. 241 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,370 I LEFT $10,000 UNDER THE..." 242 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,530 YOU KNOW MOTHERFUCKERS BE LIKE, "WHAT?" 243 00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:40,773 MY DREAM AS A KID WAS TO BE A MAGICIAN. 244 00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,827 LIKE, THE FACT THAT I SAW THAT THEY HAD THAT POWER 245 00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,534 TO MAKE SHIT DISAPPEAR. I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT. 246 00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:46,703 AND LIKE, MY FAVORITE MAGICIAN OF TODAY IS DAVID BLAINE. 247 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,300 Y'ALL KNOW WHO-- DAVID BLAINE, THE DUDE WITH LONG HAIR. 248 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,430 IN THE INTERVIEW, HE TOLD THE INTERVIEWER, 249 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,333 HE WAS LIKE, "I PRACTICE MAGIC 24 HOURS A DAY." 250 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:55,673 HE'S LIKE, "I'M ALWAYS PRACTICING MAGIC TO BE THIS GREAT." 251 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:57,667 I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. IS DAVID BLAINE REALLY THAT DUDE? 252 00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:01,067 LIKE, IS HE PRACTICING MAGIC... LIKE EVEN IF HE'S IN BED, 253 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,466 LET'S SAY HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRL? 254 00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,697 IS HE PRACTICING TRICKS AND SHIT, LIKE, IN THERE? 255 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,700 LIKE, IS DAVID BLAINE HITTING OFF HIS GIRL, HE'S LIKE, 256 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,130 HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM. HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT. 257 00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:12,303 GIRL, IT'S ABOUT TO BE MAGIC TIME." 258 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,730 RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM, 259 00:15:14,734 --> 00:15:16,734 HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT. YOU READY? YOU READY? 260 00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,504 "HERE IT IS. 261 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,930 WHERE IS IT?" 262 00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:30,966 AND SHE'S PUTTING ON HER JEANS. SHE'S LIKE, 263 00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:32,797 "DAVID, DON'T DO THIS SHIT. I'M NOT ON THE PILL. 264 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,670 YOU WEREN'T WEARING A CONDOM. WHERE IS IT?" 265 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,397 HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. 266 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,600 LOOK IN YOUR JEAN POCKETS." SHE'S LIKE... 267 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,770 "FUCKING DAVID BLAINE. YOU MOTHERFUCKER." 268 00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:49,703 AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS: WHAT IF DAVID BLAINE FORGOT TO SHUT THAT POWER OFF, RIGHT? 269 00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,130 IT'S THE NEXT DAY, HIS GIRLFRIEND'S AT WORK AND SHIT. 270 00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:54,773 DAVID BLAINE'S AT HOME JUST JERKING OFF, 271 00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:55,867 AND WHEN HE NUTS, IT DISAPPEARS AGAIN. 272 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,167 HE'S JUST LIKE, "MAGIC TIME. OHH! 273 00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:02,370 "OH, SHIT. THIS BITCH IS GONNA COME HOME, FIND IT, 274 00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,027 AND FUCKING KILL ME." 275 00:16:04,033 --> 00:16:06,203 AND THE PHONE RINGS, AND IT'S HIS GIRL AT WORK, 276 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,630 AND SHE'S LIKE [MUMBLING] "DAVE, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE." 277 00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:11,073 MY NAME'S VINCENT OSHANA. GOD BLESS YOU. 278 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,966 - Y'ALL GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN, VINCENT. VERY FUNNY DUDE. 279 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,170 MOTHERFUCKER LOOK LIKE VIN DIESEL, DON'T HE? 280 00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,166 GOD DAMN! I WAS LIKE... 281 00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:40,226 OH, SHIT. THAT "PACIFIER" WAS A ROUGH MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT THERE. 282 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,103 ALL RIGHT, THIS YOUNG LADY HAILS FROM LONDON. 283 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,030 GIVE IT UP FOR GINA YASHERE. 284 00:16:52,033 --> 00:16:54,603 - HEY, "DEF JAM LOS ANGELES," HOW ARE WE DOING?" 285 00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:57,604 YES. I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY. 286 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,270 I'M THE FIRST BRITISH COMIC ON "DEF COMEDY JAM." 287 00:17:01,266 --> 00:17:03,896 CLAP IT UP. CLAP IT UP. YEAH. 288 00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:09,704 YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND, DID YOU? 289 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:13,400 THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND. THERE'S MILLIONS OF US. 290 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,800 WE ARE EVERYWHERE. THAT'S RIGHT. 291 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,470 WHEREVER THE WHITE PEOPLE GO, WE FOLLOW THEIR ASSES. 292 00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:23,667 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED 293 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,097 MY MUM FOLLOWED THE WHITE PEOPLE FROM NIGERIA, WEST AFRICA. 294 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,270 - WHOO. NIGER! - YEAH. TO ENGLAND. 295 00:17:29,266 --> 00:17:32,296 SHE'S LIKE, "YES. YES. MR. WHITE MAN, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE IN AFRICA. 296 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:35,400 "I'M COMING WITH YOU. I'M COMING. 297 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,070 "OH, YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME HERE. THIS IS BULLSHIT. 298 00:17:38,066 --> 00:17:40,026 I'M LEAVING." 299 00:17:40,033 --> 00:17:44,103 BUT PEOPLE KEEP SAYING TO ME THAT MY ACCENT IS CUTE. 300 00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:47,470 I DON'T WANT TO BE CUTE. 301 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,497 I WANT TO BE GHETTO. 302 00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,734 ARGH! ARGH! 303 00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,134 I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT, RIGHT? 304 00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:58,203 I SAW A GUY STANDING ON A STREET CORNER. 305 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,800 BAGGY PANTS, BASEBALL CAP WITH THE LABEL STILL ON IT. 306 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,230 I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL THAT IS FASHIONABLE, BUT IT IS. 307 00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:08,233 AND I WENT UP TO HIM, 308 00:18:08,233 --> 00:18:11,703 I WENT, "HEY, WHAT'S POPPIN', MOTHERFUCKER? G-UNIT." 309 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,670 YEAH. HE TOOK MY WATCH. 310 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,030 BUT WE GET ALL THE SAME TV SHOWS AS YOU GUYS DO. 311 00:18:33,033 --> 00:18:37,233 OH, YEAH. WE GET "CRIBS." WE GET "MTV CRIBS." YEAH. 312 00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:41,603 CRIBS! EVERY RAPPER HAS GOT THE SAME STORY, HAVEN'T THEY? 313 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,630 THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD, AREN'T THEY? 314 00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:46,973 THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD. THEY'RE ALL FROM THE GHETTO. 315 00:18:46,967 --> 00:18:54,267 IS THE GHETTO THAT BIG? IS IT? 316 00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,766 EVERY SINGLE RAPPER, "YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH! 317 00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:58,997 "BITCH! FUCK YOU, MAN! I'M FROM THE HOOD, BITCH! 318 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000 "YEAH, BITCH! FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH. 319 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,370 "I'M FROM THE STREETS, MAN. YEAH! YEAH! 320 00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:07,767 "I WAS IN PRISON 30 YEARS, AND I'M 28. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH! 321 00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:12,697 YEAH, YEAH, BITCH. YEAH!" 322 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:19,070 AND THEN YOU GO INTO THEIR HOUSES, AND THEY'VE GOT CHANDELIERS. 323 00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,967 THAT'S NOT GHETTO! THAT'S NOT HOOD. 324 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:28,327 THEY'RE HYPOCRITES. 325 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,333 "YEAH, BITCH, YEAH. I'M FROM THE HOOD. 326 00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:32,833 "MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH, BITCH. YEAH. FROM THE STREETS, MAN. 327 00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:35,874 "YEAH. I BEEN SHOT 10 TIMES IN MY EYE. THAT'S RIGHT. 328 00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,297 "BITCH, YEAH. I'M FROM THE HOOD. 329 00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:42,830 "YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH! 330 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:45,874 BUT THESE TILES ARE FROM ROME." 331 00:19:55,834 --> 00:20:00,804 AND WHAT IS THE RAPPER'S OBSESSION WITH THE MAFIA? 332 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:07,500 EVERY TIME YOU GO INTO THEIR HOUSES, THEY'VE ALL GOT COPIES OF "GODFATHER" AND "SCARFACE." 333 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,030 THE MAFIA DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE. 334 00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:20,230 THEY DON'T. THEY DON'T LIKE US. 335 00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,903 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLACK "SOPRANO"? NO! 336 00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,330 THEY DON'T LIKE US. 337 00:20:25,333 --> 00:20:27,803 THEY CALL US MULIGNON. 338 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,270 NOW, I'M NOT AN EXPERT OF LANGUAGES, BUT I THINK IT'S PROBABLY ITALIAN FOR NIGGER. 339 00:20:32,266 --> 00:20:34,166 ALL RIGHT? 340 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:37,326 I WENT DOWN TO VENICE BEACH. 341 00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:39,203 THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. HAD A GOOD TIME DOWN THERE. 342 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,630 OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T GO IN THE WATER. 343 00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:45,803 WELL, I'M A BLACK WOMAN. 344 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:52,070 I'M NOT GETTING MY HAIR WET FOR ANYBODY. 345 00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,196 AND I KNOW THAT IS INTERNATIONAL. 346 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,770 YOU ARE NEVER... 347 00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:04,204 NEVER. YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE A BLACK WOMAN 348 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,030 ON THE OLYMPIC SWIMMING TEAM, RIGHT? 349 00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,573 IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 350 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,027 YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE A BLACK WOMAN IN THE MOVIES 351 00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:13,603 WHERE YOU HAVE TO MAKE LOVE IN THE SHOWER, RIGHT? 352 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,870 'CAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD NOT LOOK ROMANTIC 353 00:21:16,867 --> 00:21:19,597 WITH A BLACK WOMAN IN IT. 354 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,800 BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE IN THAT SHOWER 355 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,000 WITH A SAFEWAY GROCERY BAG. 356 00:21:46,734 --> 00:21:50,974 IT'S IN THE BIBLE. IT'S IN THE BIBLE, PEOPLE. 357 00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:53,697 IT IS DOCUMENTED. 358 00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,700 THERE IS THE PASSAGE WHERE MOSES TAKES THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL 359 00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:59,470 TO THE BANKS OF THE RED SEA AND SAYS, 360 00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,627 "WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THIS." 361 00:22:01,633 --> 00:22:03,673 IT WAS A BLACK WOMAN THAT TURNED TO MOSES. 362 00:22:05,934 --> 00:22:08,074 "MOSES? 363 00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:18,200 "I'VE JUST HAD MY HAIR RELAXED. 364 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,430 YOU BETTER PART THAT SHIT." 365 00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:23,173 LISTEN, I'M GINA YASHERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 366 00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:24,966 GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU. 367 00:22:32,433 --> 00:22:38,933 - GIVE IT TO HER, Y'ALL. DO SOMETHING. 368 00:22:38,934 --> 00:22:40,834 THAT WAS HYSTERICAL. SHE WRITES. 369 00:22:40,834 --> 00:22:43,974 WOMEN WILL WRAP THEIR FUCKING HAIR UP. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT? 370 00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:47,527 MY WIFE COME TO BED WITH A FUCKING BLACK HAT ON HER FUCKING HEAD. 371 00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:51,003 WHAT IS THAT? I FEEL LIKE I'M SLEEPING WITH THE TALIBAN OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. 372 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,270 WHAT THE...? 373 00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:57,527 ALL RIGHT, LAST SEASON, THIS NEXT CAT RIPPED THE STAGE APART, 374 00:22:57,533 --> 00:22:59,033 SO WE BROUGHT HIM BACK FOR MORE. 375 00:22:59,033 --> 00:23:00,673 YOU KNOW HIM AS THE GANGSTA OF COMEDY. 376 00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,667 PUT IT TOGETHER FOR CAPONE! 377 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,430 - WASSUP, Y'ALL? WASSUP? 378 00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,633 GONNA DEDICATE THIS SHOW TO THE TROOPS. 379 00:23:13,633 --> 00:23:16,633 YES. YES. 380 00:23:16,633 --> 00:23:19,133 THEY ARE BRAVE! 381 00:23:19,133 --> 00:23:22,133 COULDN'T BE ME. NO, SIR. 382 00:23:22,133 --> 00:23:24,033 I WOULDN'T BE OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR NOBODY. 383 00:23:24,033 --> 00:23:26,573 I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I'M GONNA TELL THE TRUTH. 384 00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:31,827 FUCK FIGHTING. NO, SIR. I'D BE A PUNK IN SOME ARAB LADY'S HOUSE... 385 00:23:31,834 --> 00:23:33,904 TILL THIS SHIT IS OVER WITH. 386 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:36,330 THEY SENDING THE WRONG PEOPLE. THEM YOUNG KIDS 387 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:37,833 THEY SENDING OUT THERE TO FIGHT. 388 00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:40,574 THEY NEED TO SEND MOTHERFUCKERS WHO GOT LIFE IN PRISON. 389 00:23:40,567 --> 00:23:42,897 - YEAH. - THAT'S WHO THEY NEED TO SEND. 390 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,770 LET THEM MOTHERFUCKERS GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT. 391 00:23:45,767 --> 00:23:48,267 IF YOU MAKE IT HOME, YOU FREE. 392 00:23:48,266 --> 00:23:51,426 IF YOU DON'T, YOU WAS GONNA DIE ANYWAY, BITCH! 393 00:23:51,433 --> 00:23:53,773 GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. 394 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,230 'CAUSE WE STARTED WITH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS. 395 00:23:59,233 --> 00:24:01,903 WE FUCKED WITH THEM ARABS FIRST. Y'ALL KNOW EVERYBODY IN HERE 396 00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:04,000 DONE WENT IN ONE OF THEM STORES AND FUCKED WITH... 397 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,530 "MAKE ME A SLURPY, HABIB BITCH!" 398 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:11,473 HABIB WAS ALWAYS NICE. "OK. NO PROBLEM. GOODY GOODY." 399 00:24:11,467 --> 00:24:16,127 "PUT 10 ON 12, HABIB BITCH!" 400 00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:20,973 EVER SINCE THEY KNOCKED DOWN THE TOWERS, 401 00:24:20,967 --> 00:24:23,667 THEM MOTHERFUCKERS DONE CHANGED. TURNED INTO THUGS. 402 00:24:23,667 --> 00:24:26,727 THEY EVEN WEAR THEIR TURBANS TILTED TO THE SIDE. 403 00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:29,504 WALK IN THERE, LOOK AT YOUR GIRL IN FRONT OF YOU. 404 00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:31,600 "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT? 405 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,570 DON'T FUCK AROUND, NIGGA. YOU KNOW. TICKY TICKY BOOM!" 406 00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:39,766 SHIT! 407 00:24:39,767 --> 00:24:42,027 I DON'T FUCK WITH THEM NIGGAS. 408 00:24:42,033 --> 00:24:44,033 NO, SIR. 409 00:24:44,033 --> 00:24:46,403 AND WE LUCKY THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER THERE. 410 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,970 IF THEY WAS OVER HERE, WE'D BE FUCKED UP. 411 00:24:48,967 --> 00:24:51,067 SOME OF Y'ALL WHITE PEOPLE WOULD BE FUCKED UP. 412 00:24:51,066 --> 00:24:55,426 I GOT THE COLOR. I GOT A TURBAN AND A SHEET IN MY CAR. 413 00:24:55,433 --> 00:24:57,073 FUCK THAT SHIT! 414 00:24:57,066 --> 00:24:58,996 SOON AS THEY COME, "WHO ARE YOU?" 415 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,870 "MOHAMMED, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? 416 00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:05,527 "NO. I'M YOUR FRIEND AT SCHOOL EVERY DAY. 417 00:25:05,533 --> 00:25:06,933 COME ON, PLEASE." 418 00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:10,770 SHIT, MAN. 419 00:25:10,767 --> 00:25:12,467 IT'S GOD DAMN CRAZY, MAN. 420 00:25:12,467 --> 00:25:14,597 YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. SHIT. 421 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,600 GOD DAMN WARS AND ALL THIS SHIT. 422 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,370 THIS RACISM SHIT GOING ON. 423 00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:20,567 IT'S CRAZY OUT HERE, TOO, MAN. 424 00:25:20,567 --> 00:25:22,767 ALL THE FUCKING RACISM. I CAN'T BELIEVE. 425 00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:26,967 IT'S SO BAD NOW, RACIST PEOPLE ARE RACIST TO THEIR OWN KIND. 426 00:25:26,967 --> 00:25:29,697 WHITE PEOPLE CALLING EACH OTHER CRACKER NOW. 427 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,270 WHAT THE HELL THAT START? IT ALWAYS START IN THE CAR. 428 00:25:32,266 --> 00:25:34,696 THAT'S WHERE RACISM KICK-- I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE, 429 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,900 IF YOU IN YOUR CAR, SOMEBODY CUT YOU OFF, 430 00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:40,070 YOU GONNA LET 'EM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. 431 00:25:40,066 --> 00:25:44,426 YOU'LL PULL RIGHT UP TO 'EM. "YOU SAW MY CAR! BITCH!" 432 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,530 I TAKE RACISM TO A NEW LEVEL. I'M FUCKING RACIST. FUCK IT. 433 00:25:53,533 --> 00:25:56,573 I GOT ME A NICE CAR. AND I DRIVE MY SHIT THROUGH MY OLD HOOD. 434 00:25:56,567 --> 00:26:00,027 'CAUSE THEY SAID I WASN'T GONNA BE SHIT. 435 00:26:00,033 --> 00:26:03,433 I SHOW 'EM. BEEP BEEP! UH-HUH, YES, SIR. GOD DAMN! 436 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,100 SHOW THEM MY SHIT. 437 00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,370 BUT A MOTHERFUCKER CUT ME OFF. 438 00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,297 MY RACISM WENT UP HERE. 439 00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:14,030 I DIDN'T KNOW HIS ASS WAS RACIST, TOO. 440 00:26:14,033 --> 00:26:16,973 CHINESE MOTHERFUCKER. 441 00:26:16,967 --> 00:26:19,727 CUTTIN' ME OFF. I CURSED HIM OUT WITH THE GOOD CURSES. 442 00:26:19,734 --> 00:26:24,734 PULL RIGHT UP TO HIM. "YOU SAW MY CAR, YOU CHINKY-EYED BITCH!" 443 00:26:24,734 --> 00:26:27,434 THIS NIGGA CURSED ME BACK OUT, BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CURSE. 444 00:26:27,433 --> 00:26:33,273 "NO, YOU MOTHER-- I SAW LOOKING AND SUCKING YOUR FAT ASSHOLE AND YOUR MOTHER!" 445 00:26:40,867 --> 00:26:46,127 I SAID, "WHAT YOU SAY, YOU DUCK SAUCE EATING BITCH?" 446 00:26:46,133 --> 00:26:49,273 THIS NIGGA GOT OUT THE CAR AND SHOWED ME HE WASN'T SCARED OF ME. 447 00:26:49,266 --> 00:26:53,366 "NO! YOU MOTHER, I SUCKEE AND YOUR FATHER 448 00:26:53,367 --> 00:26:55,367 "ASSHOLE. LICKIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER, 449 00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:58,667 YOUR FATHER, YOUR MOTHER SAY, 'NO FUCKING ME, NO FUCKING ME.'" 450 00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:06,926 I SAID, "GO AHEAD, NIGGA. YOU WON." 451 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,970 FUCK, I'M GONNA ARGUE WITH THE NIGGA. 452 00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:11,227 WHEN I HIT HIM WITH THE CURSES, 453 00:27:11,233 --> 00:27:12,803 I'M HITTING HIM WITH THE GOOD CURSES. 454 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,130 "FUCK YOU!" IT WAS COMING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM. 455 00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:17,673 YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TELLING HIM, "FUCK YOU!" 456 00:27:17,667 --> 00:27:22,667 HE, "NO! I LICKIE BALLS ALL YOUR MOTHER-SUCKEE 457 00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:29,427 ALL DAY ASSHOLE, YOUR MOTHER SAW-SASTA!" 458 00:27:29,433 --> 00:27:32,603 MY NAME IS CAPONE, Y'ALL. PEACE. 459 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,300 [CHEERING] 460 00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:46,870 - Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME? STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW. 461 00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:49,427 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE. 462 00:27:49,433 --> 00:27:51,273 MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS. 463 00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:56,700 - THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 464 00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:59,800 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 465 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,800 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 466 00:28:10,867 --> 00:28:12,397 - ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪ 467 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,600 ♪ JA-JA-JA-JAM ♪ 468 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,800 ♪ JA-JA-JA-JAM ♪ 469 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,500 ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪ 470 00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:22,500 ♪ DEF DEF DEF DEF COMEDY JAM ♪ 471 00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:24,900 ♪ DEF COM--DEF ♪ 472 00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:27,130 ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪ 473 00:28:27,133 --> 00:28:28,703 ♪ DEF DEF DEF DEF COMEDY JAM ♪ 474 00:28:28,753 --> 00:28:33,303 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38402

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