Original subtitles

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS

DEF COMEDY JAM,"

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- T-REXX,

CHRIS SPENCER, COREY HOLCOMB,

AND JOE TORRY.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, THE KID CAPRI.

- AND WE ARE BACK. - ( audience cheering )

AND NOW YOUR HOST-- MIKE EPPS.

( cheering )

YEAH!

ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI, Y'ALL. KID CAPRI.

( cheering )

OH, SHIT.

I'VE GOT ON SOME PAJAMAS WITH THE FEET IN THEM RIGHT NOW.

BOY, YOU ALL LOOK GOOD.

HOW Y'ALL DOING? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?

( cheering )

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE BOOGER MOVE RIGHT THERE-- BOOGER MOVE.

HOW MANY OF Y'ALL HAVE EVER WIPED A BOOGER ON YOUR FRIEND'S CAR SEAT?

DON'T LIE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

WHAT, NO NAPKINS OR NOTHIN'? I'M PUTTING THE BOOGER RIGHT HERE.

FUCK YOU.

Y'ALL DONE DID THAT SHIT BEFORE TOO. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING.

THIS LITTLE OUTFIT HOTTER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.

MY GRANDMOTHER DON'T THINK I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.

SHE THINKS I'M-- I TOLD HER I'M IN THE MOVIES.

TALKING ABOUT, "YOU NEED TO COME HOME AND FILL OUT AN APPLICATION OVER HERE."

I SAID, "FUCK KROGER. AIN'T NOBODY FILLING OUT--

FILLING OUT NO MOTHERFUCKING APPLICATION OVER THERE."

GRANDMOTHERS KNOW WHERE TO GET A JOB AT, DON'T THEY?

"I TELL-- GO RIGHT UP THERE AT--

FILL-- TAKE AN APPLICATION RIGHT NOW.

AIN'T NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE

PUTTING IN AN APPLICATION UP THERE. THEY'RE HIRING EVERYBODY.

THEY HIRED JAY PETERSON ON THE SPOT.

PUT HIM RIGHT TO WORK.

THEY GET 12 HOURS A WEEK.

THEY PUT HIM RIGHT TO WORK.

I AIN'T GOT TO SIT UP HERE AND LIE ABOUT NONE OF THAT."

Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMEDIAN?

( cheering )

GIVE IT UP FOR T-REXX.

KID CAPRI HOLDING IT DOWN

FOR THE BEIGE MOTHERFUCKERS IN 2006.

( audience cheers )

GOT TO CLEAR THAT UP OFF THE BAT.

A LOT OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT THE FUCK I AM.

I'M HALF BLACK AND HALF WHITE.

LADIES, I AM BLACK FROM THE WAIST DOWN,

WHITE FROM THE WALLET UP.

BIG DICK AND GOOD CREDIT, I'M RARE.

I GO TO THE CLUB AND TAKE MY DICK AND MY WALLET OUT AND STAND--

I'M ORIGINALLY FROM THE EAST COAST.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK Y'ALL DOING THE TRAFFIC OUT HERE.

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL DEALING WITH THAT SHIT, MAN?

HOW IS THERE A TRAFFIC JAM AT 10:00 AT FUCKING NIGHT?

LIKE, WHAT CLUB ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GOING TOO, GOD DAMN IT?

AFTER SITTING IN TRAFFIC FOR SO LONG I START THINKING EVIL SHIT, MAN.

LIKE AFTER 45 MINUTES I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"THERE BETTER BE A MOTHERFUCKING BODY IN THE STREET UP HERE.

WE'VE BEEN IN TRAFFIC FOR AN HOUR, I WANT TO SEE

A HEADLESS TORSO ON THE GODDAMN MEDIAN STRIP."

YOU GET UP TO THE FUCKING ACCIDENT, IT'S NEVER ANYTHING SERIOUS.

IT'S ALWAYS TWO MEXICANS FIGHTING OVER INSURANCE.

( Mexican accent ) "I NO HAS NO INSURANCE."

"YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?"

"NO, SENOR. ME NO HAS NO INSURANCE."

"YOU NO HAS INS--"

"NO, SENOR, ME NO HAS NO INSURANCE."

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAS INSURANCE."

"NO, BUT I NO HAS INSURANCE."

"YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?"

"NO, SENOR, I NO HAS INSURANCE."

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAS INSURANCE."

"I NO HAS INSURANCE."

"YOU NO HAS?"

JUST TRYING TO SEE HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS WE CAN ASK THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION.

"YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?"

"NO, SENOR, I NO HAS."

OF COURSE HE DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.

LOOK AT THAT SHIT YOU'RE DRIVING. YOU CAN'T INSURE THAT.

THEY WANT TO CLOSE THE FUCKING BORDERS.

I KNOW REDNECKS ARE FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

"GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE COUNTRY."

THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING. WE NEED TO STOP THE FUCKING WAR.

THE WAY WE CAN STOP THE WAR IS WITH THESE GODDAMN REDNECKS, MAN.

BRING OUR FUCKING KIDS HOME AND SEND REDNECKS OVER THERE,

'CAUSE THEY'RE THE MOST PATRIOTIC MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET.

REDNECKS DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT, MAN. YOU SEE THEM AFTER 9/11?

"YOU DON'T COME TO MY FUCKIN' BACKYARD,

USE MY GODDAMN AIR VEHICLES

TO PULL OFF YOUR TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GET THE FUCK OFF ME, CONNIE CHANG,

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE NEITHER."

WE'RE IN A COOL TIME RIGHT NOW THOUGH,

'CAUSE RIGHT NOW, REDNECKS ARE LOOKING FOR THE TERRORISTS.

THEY AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NIGGAS. WE'RE COOL.

THEY EVEN STARTED PUTTING RAPPERS IN FUCKING COUNTRY SONGS AND SHIT.

I'M SURE YOU HEARD THAT MOTHERFUCKER, YOU KNOW.

AND THEY GOT-- REDNECKS ARE EVEN STARTING TO PICK UP ON SLANG.

A REDNECK HEARS SOME COMMOTION OUTSIDE--

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT HERE, GOD DAMN IT?

EVERYBODY CALM-- OH, WAIT A MINUTE. RELAX FELLAS.

IT'S REGULAR NIGGAS, IT AIN'T THEM SAND NIGGAS.

HEY HEY HEY. MY BAD, DUDE, MY BAD.

I SEE YA PARTYING. I AIN'T TRYING TO FUCK YOUR FLOW UP.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR HONEYS AND THE BLING BLING.

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO FUCK UP YOUR THUG THIZZLE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

OKAY, HOLLER AT YOUR BOY, ALL RIGHT?"

I DON'T FUCK WITH REDNECKS, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU, REDNECKS ARE THE SCARIEST MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET.

THEY'RE THE ONLY BREED OF WHITE PERSON THAT'S NOT AFRAID OF BLACK PEOPLE.

A REGULAR BLACK DUDE, YOU COULD SCARE A REGULAR WHITE DUDE.

YOU COULD SCARE HIM AT ANY TIME.

LIKE YOU RIGHT THERE, YOU'VE GOT THE FUCKING--

THE OPIE AND THE FUCKING SHIRT--

YOU PROBABLY GOT A NICE LITTLE JOB,

ALL YOUR TEETH AND SHIT. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE NONE OF THAT SHIT.

NICE SIZE BROTHER LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE COME UP TO YOU,

YOU STEP ON HIS SHOE, HE BE LIKE, "HEY, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!"

"HOLLY SIMOLES.

WHOO, I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? COME ON.

I DIDN'T SEE YOUR SHOE. I'M SORRY. HOW ABOUT $20?

CAN WE KEEP THIS VERBAL AND NOT MAKE IT PHYSICAL?

HERE'S $20 TO HANDLE THE SCUFF ON YOUR SHOE.

HUH? I BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE CALL IT A DUB."

( laughs )

REDNECK, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FUCKING STORY.

YOU CAN'T SCARE A REDNECK OUT OF A FIGHT.

A REDNECK WILL TALK SO MUCH SHIT BACK

THAT YOU'LL START SECOND- GUESSING WHY THE FUCK

YOU EVEN SAID ANYTHING TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

A REDNECK STEP ON YOUR SHOE-- YOU COULD OUTWEIGH A REDNECK BY 100 LBS--

"HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!"

"WELL, YOUR GODDAMN FEET SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING BIG, NOW SHOULD THEY?

OH NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE A REGULAR SIZE SHOE LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

WHAT IS THAT, 13 FUCKING 14?

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT OF FUCKING PRIMATE?

ARE YOU THE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND APE?

HEY EVERYBODY ON THE BUS, I DONE DISCOVERED THE FUCKING MISSING LINK.

SOMEONE CALL THE SMITHSONIAN, I WANT A GODDAMN REWARD.

YOU PROBABLY GOT TO WEAR PLATFORM SHOES

SO YOU DON'T DRAG YOUR GODDAMN KNUCKLES ON THE GROUND, MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M AMAZED YOU'RE EVEN STANDING UPRIGHT.

YOU LOOK LIKE NUMBER THREE ON THE EVOLUTION CHART.

LOOK HERE, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG,

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STEP ON YOUR BIG BLACK FEET

NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME COMING AT YOU, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK,

TURN IT INTO A DANCE MOVE. CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE,

MOTHERFUCKER. CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE."

Y'ALL, I'M OUT OF HERE. DEF JAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

DEF JAM, LOS ANGELES.

YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME.

( cheering )

Epps: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR CHRIS SPENCER!

YEAH!

WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

I GET TO PERFORM IN L.A.

MARRIED PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT?

- ( scattered applause ) - LOOK HOW SAD THAT IS.

WATCH THE DIFFERENCE. SINGLE PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT?

- ( cheering ) - LOOK AT 'EM.

HAPPY, FULL OF DISEASES.

( exaggerated coughing )

( buzzing )

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND I BROKE UP WITH BECAUSE WE HAD THAT CONVERSATION.

THE HOW-MANY-PEOPLE-HAVE- YOU-SLEPT-WITH CONVERSATION. YOU EVER HAD THAT?

DON'T HAVE THAT CONVERSATION IN L.A.,

'CAUSE YOU HOPE YOUR NUMBER IS GOING TO BE HIGHER THAN HERS.

I FINISHED MY LIST, I WAS LIKE, "OKAY BABY, I'M FINISHED."

SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON ONE SECOND. 62...

63... YOU WERE 64.

65, 66, 67..."

I JUST GOT MARRIED.

- ( cheering ) - JUST YESTERDAY I GOT MARRIED.

I GOT TIRED OF THE SINGLE LIFE.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE HAVING FUN I GOT TIRED OF CONDOMS.

CONDOMS BREAK. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONDOM BREAK ON YOU?

YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL, IT'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS INCREDIBLE."

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT STARTS FEELING TOO GOOD.

IT'S LIKE, "DID YOU BURP AND OPEN UP A NEW PASSAGEWAY, 'CAUSE...?"

AND THEN YOU LOOK DOWN, YOU'VE GOT A TURTLENECK ON YOUR DICK.

YOU GO, "OH MY GOD."

YOU EVER LOSE THE CONDOM COMPLETELY.

YOU BE LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL, WHERE DID IT GO?

IT WAS..."

AND THEN YOU LOOK AND IT'S STILL IN HER. YOU GO, "OH...

IT'S LIKE RIGHT THERE. YEAH."

AND THEN SHE COUGHS AND TWO COME OUT, YOU GO, "HEY!

THAT BETTER BE MINE FROM YESTERDAY."

MY GIRL IS LATIN. ANY LATIN WOMEN HERE?

( scattered cheers )

WE HAVE SOME CONFLICTS SOMETIMES. SHE DON'T UNDERSTAND MY CULTURE.

LIKE FOR HALLOWEEN, SHE WANTED MY SON TO BE A MONKEY.

I WAS LIKE, "BABY, HE CAN'T BE A MONKEY."

"WHY NOT? YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THE OUTFIT.

IT'S SO CUTE. THE EARS, THE TAIL."

I GO, "BABY, YOU KNOW THEY USED TO CALL US MONKEYS."

"OH, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET OVER IT."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, BITCH, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT NEXT YEAR WE DRESS HIM UP AS A GARDENER?

IT'S NOT FUNNY. OH YEAH.

WHY DON'T WE STRAP A LEAF BLOWER TO HIS BACK

SO THAT AFTER HE GETS HIS CANDY HE CAN BLOW THE LEAVES ALL OUT OF THE WAY?"

( imitates buzzing )

MY SON, I HAD A BOY-- THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD

IS YOU SEE THE ULTRASOUND, YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE HAVING A BOY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE GOT KIDS HERE--

A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE HERE, SO PROBABLY ALL OF Y'ALL.

WHEN THEY SHOW YOU YOU'RE HAVING A BOY ON THE ULTRASOUND--

THEY WANT TO SHOW YOU OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

LIKE, "LOOK, YOU CAN SEE HIS HEART IS BEATING."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S GREAT. ARE THOSE BALLS?

ARE THOSE BALLS, NURSE?"

SHE'S LIKE, "UM, WE CALL THEM TESTICLES, MR. SPENCER,

AND YES, THOSE ARE THEM. LOOK, THE LUNGS ARE--"

"YEAH, FUCK THAT. HE GOT A BIG OL' DICK, DON'T HE?

HA HA. YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT, FOR A FETUS OR AN EMBRYO OR WHATEVER--

LOOK BABY, HE GOT A BIG OLD DICK." SHE'S LIKE...

"UM, THAT'S THE UMBILICAL CORD."

THEN I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY DICK.

SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON ONE SECOND, I DO SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE, OKAY."

HE'S SPANISH. THAT MEANS HIS HAIR'S A LITTLE STRAIGHT.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM NOT WANTING TO HOOP,

'CAUSE AS A BLACK MAN MY SON NEEDS TO HOOP.

I'M AFRAID I'LL BE LIKE, "SHOOT THE BALL.

SHOOT THE BALL, LITTLE CHRIS." "NO, PAPI."

"NO NO, SHOOT IT." "NO, PAPI."

I AM RAISING PELE. "SHOOT THE BALL."

L.A., THE HOME OF THE BLACK WOMAN WHO HATES THE WHITE WOMAN.

( audience groans )

SISTERS DO NOT LIKE A WHITE GIRL WITH A BROTHER,

ESPECIALLY IF HE IS GOOD LOOKING LIKE ME.

IT HURTS YOU TO THE CORE.

YOU WOULD RATHER GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND GO SWIMMING,

THAN SEE A BROTHER

WITH A WHITE GIRL.

AND BLACK WOMEN DO NOT MAKE IT ANY EASIER ON THE BROTHER,

YELLING AT THE GIRL, "LOOK AT HER.

YEAH, YOU BITCH."

YOU EVER HEAR THEM SOMETIMES GROWL?

( growls )

"BITCH."

JESUS CHRIST. MUSTAFA, WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?

IF I WAS WITH A WHITE GIRL AND SHE LOVED ME AND I LOVED HER--

FUCK IT. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENED.

( applause )

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING FOR HIM.

SHE MIGHT HAVE LICKED HIM SOMEWHERE NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER LICKED.

FIXED HIS CREDIT.

IF I WAS A BROTHER WITH A WHITE GIRL AND I SAW SISTERS OVER THERE,

"ARRGH," BARKING, "BITCH, BITCH."

"HOLD ON ONE SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.

WERE ONE OF YOU GUYS GOING TO GIVE ME SOME PUSSY? NO?"

( snaps fingers ) "BECKY, LET'S GO, BABY."

"ARRGH, BITCH. THERE YOU GO, BITCH."

"HOLD ON ONE SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.

WERE ONE OF YOU GOING TO COSIGN A LOAN FOR ME?

NO? BECKY, VAMONOS."

"ARRGH, RUFF RUFF RUFF, ARRGH."

"HOLD ON A SECOND. HOLD ON A SECOND.

HOLD ON A SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.

WERE YOU GOING TO LET ME SLEEP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND?

NO? BECKY, MEGAN, LET'S GO LADIES."

CHRIS SPENCER, Y'ALL. THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

( cheering )

Epps: COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF CHICAGO,

GIVE IT UP FOR COREY HOLCOMB.

WHAT UP? ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

WHAT UP, CHI-TOWN?

UGH. YOU EVER...

YOU EVER FUCK A FAT CHICK WITH REGULAR PEOPLE LEGS?

( audience laughing )

LOOK LIKE A HEART WHEN SHE WALK INTO THE BATHROOM.

LIKE, "DAMN, MAN.

SHIT, I JUST FUCKED THE HAMBURGLAR, NIGGA."

I GOT TO GET MY PAIN UP HERE. LOOK, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW BAD I GOT IT.

I DID A SHOW IN ATLANTA THREE MONTHS AGO

AND I GOT A ONE-NIGHT STAND PREGNANT.

- ( audience groans ) - ( laughs )

I KNOW. SHE ALREADY CALLED ON MY PHONE TALKING CRAZY.

"YOU NEED TO GET READY TO TAKE CARE

OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY."

SHE DON'T KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO PUT SOME DOPE IN HER CAR.

( snickers ) "YOU NEED TO GET READY FOR YOUR CASE, GOD DAMN IT.

THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER WILL BE BORN INCARCERATED, GOD DAMN IT.

YOU A CRIMINAL.

GET ME A LITTLE ANTWONE FISHER WITH YOUR ASS."

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW, THEY, UM--

A LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

LADIES, THEY'VE GOT A NEW ABORTION PILL OUT.

NOT THE MORNING-AFTER PILL. NO, THIS IS A PILL

WHERE YOU CAN HAVE AN ABORTION UP TO EIGHT WEEKS

AFTER YOU GET PREGNANT.

SO FELLAS, YOU GOT TO BE CREATIVE.

THAT MEANS YOU CAN CRUSH THE PILL UP AND PUT IT IN HER DRINK.

( laughs )

( groaning )

SHE BE GETTING DRUNK TALKING ABOUT,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE IT."

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT TONIGHT."

( laughs )

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS IN THE AUDIENCE,

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT.

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT.

( scattered applause )

LADIES, Y'ALL LUCKY THEY CAME OUT WITH THAT CHILD SUPPORT LAW.

Y'ALL CAUGHT A BREAK WITH THAT.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT CHILD SUPPORT,

THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE LOT OF BUM-ASS WOMEN HERE IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S RIGHT, IF IT WEREN'T FOR CHILD SUPPORT

SOME OF Y'ALL WILL BE DOWN HERE TONIGHT IN OLD-ASS FUBU BLOUSES.

GODDAMN DIADORA GYM SHOES ON AND ALL THAT STUFF.

AND Y'ALL CLOWN NIGGAS IN CHILD SUPPORT COURT.

FELLAS, ON YOUR NEXT DAY OFF YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF

TO JUST GO SIT THROUGH A CHILD SUPPORT COURT SESSION.

IT IS HILARIOUS. LADIES, OOH, Y'ALL ARE WRONG FOR THAT.

LADIES, Y'ALL GOT MORE CASES AGAINST NIGGAS THAN THE FEDS.

BOY, THEY BE THERE AND THEY SET YOU OUT IN COURT TOO.

"THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR HONOR, AND HE SELL DRUGS."

"HEY, THIS BITCH'S SON WORK FOR ME, THOUGH."

( laughs )

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW, I'VE GOT IT ROUGH. BOY, I GOTTA--

I MOVED TO L.A. FROM CHICAGO SIX YEARS AGO.

AND RIGHT BEFORE I MOVED OUT HERE

I HAD A SON IN CHICAGO.

SO I GO BACK AND SEE HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

SO I WAS THERE FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY

AND, YOU KNOW, HIS MOM HAS GOTTEN MARRIED SINCE THEN.

SO SHE WAS AT WORK AND HER HUSBAND ANSWERED THE DOOR.

( chuckles ) AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?"

I'M ABOUT TO TAKE HIM TO THE MALL.

UH, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO GO WITH US

'CAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW THE LITTLE PLAYER LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

( laughs )

IT WAS ME, HER HUSBAND AND MY SON AT THE MALL LIKE A COUPLE.

WE WERE WALKING AROUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER...

MY SON WAS LIKE, "COREY, YOU'RE GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES?"

I WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE. YEAH, I'LL GET YOU SOME SHOES."

HE WAS LIKE, "DADDY, COREY'S GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES."

I LEFT BOTH OF THEIR ASSES AT THE MALL. I WAS LIKE,

"Y'ALL BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I'LL JUST--

I'M JUST INTERFERING. FUCK IT."

GOT TO SEND A SHOUT OUT TO MY BABY'S MAMA

I CAN'T STAND OUT THERE IN MAYWOOD, ILLINOIS.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR BUM ASS?

( laughs )

THAT'S THE ONE I'M NOT PROUD OF.

SHE SLEEPS AROUND WITH A LOT OF GUYS.

SHE'S BEEN ON HER BACK MORE THAN THE WEAKEST NIGGA IN WRESTLING PRACTICE.

AND SHE FELL OFF IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT.

I'VE GOT TO EXPLAIN HER EVERY TIME

I INTRODUCE HER TO SOMEBODY.

I'LL BE WALKING WITH HER, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S MOM RIGHT HERE."

HEY, THIS BITCH WAS COOL WHEN I DID DEF JAM BACK IN THE DAY, NIGGA.

HEY, I'M COREY HOLCOMB. PEACE OUT, Y'ALL. I'M OUTTA HERE.

Epps: COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF ST. LOUIS,

GIVE IT UP FOR JOE TORRY, Y'ALL, COME ON!

WHAT'S UP?

YEAH YEAH YEAH.

SETTLE DOWN.

KID, MY NIGGA.

WHAT'S UP, BIG PIMPING?

Y'ALL READY TO LAUGH IN HERE, SAY, "HELL YEAH!"

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, SHIT!

Y'ALL GOT THAT NEW YORK ENERGY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

SO... SO...

WHAT I WANT IS I WANT AN AUDIENCE CHECK RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO HEAR ALL THE OFFICIAL ADULTS CLAP YOUR HANDS.

IF YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT CLAP YOUR HANDS.

( scattered clapping )

ALL RIGHT.

I SEE SOME PEOPLE CLAPPING

LIKE THEY AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BEEN CLAPPING.

COUPLE OF THINGS MAKE YOU AN OFFICIAL ADULT, OKAY?

IF YOU GOT A REAL JOB

THAT MAKES YOU AN OFFICIAL ADULT.

YEAH, THIS IS LIKE A L.A. AUDIENCE.

EVERYBODY IN L.A. GOT A JOB.

TALKING ABOUT A REAL JOB-- HEALTH BENEFITS,

GOT INSURANCE,

401K PLAN.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS. YOU'RE LIKE, "502?"

401K.

YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK, THAT'S A JOB YOU CAN'T QUIT.

YOU NEED THAT JOB. YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT.

IF YOU'RE A PARENT YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT. CLAP IF YOU'RE A PARENT.

- ( crowd clapping ) - I NEED TO CLAP MY DAMN SELF.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR EVERYBODY WHO GOT SONS IN HERE.

SONS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

ALL THE MEN THAT GOT SONS.

SEE, IF YOU'RE A FATHER,

THERE'S TWO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT IF YOU'VE GOT KIDS,

AND THAT'S A DAUGHTER THAT'S A HO,

OR A SON THAT'S A PUNK.

AND IT'S YOUR FAULT IF HE'S A PUNK OR SHE'S A HO.

'CAUSE THEY EITHER SAW IT OR YOU WEREN'T THERE TO TEACH 'EM OR TELL 'EM.

AND I JUST GOT CUSTODY OF MY 12-YEAR-OLD.

I JUST GOT CUSTODY. JUST GOT CUSTODY,

ABOUT TO BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY 'CAUSE HE'S TRYING ME.

BUT I'M GLAD I'M THERE FOR SOME MOMENTS 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I STARTED NOTICING SOME SHIT ABOUT MY SON AND I'M GLAD I HAD TO BE THERE.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT THERE'S MOMENTS IN LIFE YOU GOT TO BE THERE.

SO I'M ON THE ROAD WORKING SO I CAN BE THERE,

BUT THEN WHEN I COME IN TOWN I GET MY KID, AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN!"

I START NOTICING SOME SHIT THAT WAS BOTHERING ME.

FELLAS OVER, YOU KNOW, SOME TENDER MOMENTS HE HAVING IN FRONT OF THE,

YOU KNOW, THE GUYS OVER WATCHING FOOTBALL.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DRINKING, PLAYING DOMINOS,

AND MY SON JUST COMES RUNNING OUT, "I WANNA WATCH."

AND I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU HAVING A BROKEBACK MOMENT?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

I'M LIKE, "GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIP." AND HE-- ( whines )

AND, YOU KNOW, YOUR BOYS LOOKING LIKE,

"OH, NIGGA, YOU BETTER GET YOUR SON."

AND I'M LIKE, "LOCK IT OUT! LOCK IT OUT!"

AND YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR THAT MOMENT FOR THAT KID,

'CAUSE HE CAN JUST SETTLE INTO THAT SHIT FOR A GOOD 15-16 YEARS.

YOU GOT A SON THAT'S A PUNK.

SO I HAD TO, "LOCK IT OUT. GET YOUR HAND DOWN. STAND UP.

WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE, DON'T DO IT."

AND I WENT AND DROPPED HIS ASS OFF AND HIS MOM WAS STANDING JUST LIKE THAT.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S WHERE HE GETTING THAT SHIT FROM.

I GOTTA HAVE HIM AROUND ME MORE."

SO I GOT HIM AROUND ME MORE, AND THAT'S COOL,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THERE'S MOMENTS YOU GOT TO BE THERE.

LIKE HIS FIRST FIGHT HE HAD, HE CAME HOME

AND I WAS HAPPY HE GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL 'CAUSE THERE WAS A FIGHT.

I SAID "WHAT HAPPENED?" HE WAS LIKE,

"WELL, HE PUNCHED ME." I SAID, "WHAT'D YOU DO?"

"I SCRATCHED HIM."

I SAID, "YOU DID WHAT?" ( mimics catfight )

"MOMMY TAUGHT ME THAT." I'M LIKE, "DON'T YOU EVER IN YOUR LIFE

SCRATCH ANOTHER MAN.

BITE, KICK, PUNCH, BUT YOU FUCKING SCRATCH?"

HE SAID, "WELL, I WON."

I WAS LIKE...

I DIDN'T WANT TO BREAK HIS SPIRIT.

"GIVE ME A POUND, GIVE ME A POUND, GIVE ME A POUND."

BUT IT'S SHIT LIKE THAT YOU GOT TO BE THERE FOR.

BUT I GOT-- THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.

THREE-YEAR-OLD IS CAUSING FUCKING PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE.

FUCKING WON'T LET ME GET NEXT TO MY WIFE,

WON'T LET ME KISS MY WIFE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A ROOMMATE

OR A THREE-YEAR-OLD SERIAL COCK-BLOCKER AROUND THE HOUSE.

'CAUSE I MADE LOVE A LOT. MAYBE THAT WAS IT.

MAYBE HE GETTING ME BACK.

'CAUSE I MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE ALL THE WAY UP TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS.

FUCK THAT. PREGNANT PUSSY IS THE BEST PUSSY YOU CAN GET.

I COULDN'T STOP.

AND YOU GOT TO GET IN WHEN YOU GET IN, BUT I'M LIKE, DAMN!

AFTER THE WOMAN HAVE THE KID, SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING FOR FOUR MONTHS.

YOU GOT TO JACK OFF AND JUST, YOU KNOW, JUST MAN UP.

BUT THEN WHEN THEY'RE NURSING, IT'S EVEN WORSE

'CAUSE THE BABY IS ON THE BREASTS.

AND THE MILK IS COOL, IT'S COOL FOR THE KID, BUT DAMN,

THEY ON THE TITTY ALL DAY.

MY LITTLE BOY'S A SCORPIO. HE'S JUST PLAYING WITH THE SHIT.

( imitates baby sucking )

9:00 IN THE MORNING...

12:00... 6:00 AT NIGHT.

12:00, I'M LIKE, "GOD DAMN!"

AND I'M TRYING TO GET SOME ASS

AND YOU AIN'T TRYING TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF THE BABY.

SO I'M TRYIN' TO GET IN WHEN HE GET IN.

HE WAKE UP 2:00 IN THE MORNING, ONE-EYE...

I WAS LIKE, "GOD DAMN!"

SO FUCK THAT. I GOT IN BEFORE HE DID ONE TIME.

I WAS IN 50, 50 PUMPS. I WAS IN.

AND HE GONNA WAKE UP, START...

I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT YOU DOING?"

HE GONNA ROLL OVER TO THE OTHER TITTY...

SO I'M TRYING TO FUCK HIM OFF. "GET OFF!"

AND MY WIFE IS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL DOING?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M 60 PUMPS IN. HANG ON!"

AND HE GOING BACK AND FORTH

AND I'M FUCKING. I LOOKED UP AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN!

ME AND MY SON GANG BANGING MY WIFE!

OH WELL."

PEACE Y'ALL. MY NAME IS JOE TORRY. THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU.

( crowd cheers )

RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL. RUSSELL SIMMONS.

( crowd cheers )

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS, GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

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