Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST-- MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- RODNEY PERRY,

GUY TORRY, DEON COLE,

KENNY HOWELL AND TALENT.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK! - ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

YEAH!

WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S UP, L.A.?

ALL RIGHT, SHIT.

BOY, YOU ALL LOOKING GOOD IN THE GOVERNMENT CHECK.

YOU KNOW THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

IT COME ON TIME LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "LIGHT SKIN IS PLAYED OUT."

HEY, KID CAPRI, IS LIGHT-SKINNED PLAYED OUT?

- HELL, NO! - HELL, NO! HELL, NO!

WE GOT FARRAKHAN, RUSSELL SIMMONS.

WE GOT A LOT OF LIGHT-SKINNED PEOPLE.

JOE LOUIS.

THIS GIRL WALKED UP TO ME THE OTHER DAY,

"I DON'T REALLY FUCK WITH LIGHT-SKINNED DUDES."

I SAID, "WELL, BITCH, WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?"

LIKE I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR SOMETHING. THIS IS IT.

Woman in audience: COME ON, DAY-DAY!

DON'T CALL ME "DAY-DAY," GOD DAMN IT.

THAT AIN'T MY FUCKING NAME, MOTHERFUCKERS.

FUCKING CALL ME DAY-DAY.

DO I LOOK LIKE DAY-DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS?

I AIN'T BULLSHITTING, MAN.

I KNOW Y'ALL SEEN ME IN A COUPLE OF THEM MOVIES,

BUT THE MONEY'S GONE. I FUCKED IT UP.

Y'ALL READY FOR THE COMEDIANS, COME ON!

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER-- STRAIGHT OUT OF L.A.--

FOR RODNEY PERRY!

HOW YOU ALL FEELING?

GOOD TO SEE THE WHITE FOLKS OUT.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE WHITE FOLKS, Y'ALL. SHOW 'EM SOME LOVE.

WHERE THE RACISTS AT? MAKE SOME NOISE, RACISTS, MAKE SOME NOISE.

YOU A RACIST, DAWG?

ANY WHITE FOLKS RACIST? SAY NIGGER SOMETIME WHEN YOU BY YOURSELF WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

NIGGA, I'M A RACIST. I'M GONNA TELL YOU, THOUGH,

I AIN'T A COMPLETE RACIST. I LIKE MOST OF THE WHITE PEOPLE.

CAN I TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE? I LIKE ALL THE YOUNG WHITE PEOPLE.

ANYBODY UNDER 50, 55, LOVE Y'ALL.

I GOT A PROBLEM WITH ALL THE OLD WHITE FOLKS,

ANYBODY 85, 90.

ANYBODY CIVIL RIGHTS AGE, I GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ASS.

ANYBODY WATER HOSE AGE?

WHOO! I'M FUCKING THEM UP. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YOU WATER HOSE AGE, THAT'S YOUR GODDAMN ASS. THAT'S ALL I'M TELLING YOU.

WHOO! I WAS AT THE STORE THE OTHER DAY, OLD LADY,

"YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU GET IT OFF THE TOP SHELF?"

CAN YOU GET YOURSELF UP, BITCH? HUH?

HUH?

HUH?

THAT'S FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING, BITCH.

REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE, HUH?

REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE?

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ALL BIRACIAL, SOME WHITE FOLKS IN THERE.

HEY, TOO BAD, GOD DAMN IT.

TOO BAD. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I BE WORKING OUT. I WAS IN WAL-MART THE OTHER DAY.

OLD WHITE DUDE, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU GET THAT OFF THE TOP SHELF?"

CAN YOU GET YOURSELF UP, HUH?

HA HA HA, YEAH.

THAT'S FOR MEDGAR EVERS, BITCH.

REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE, HUH?

REMEMBER THE GODDAMN WATER...

I'M A BIG DUDE. BIG DUDES, MAKE SOME NOISE. WHERE YOU ALL AT?

I NEED YOU TO REACT QUICKER NEXT TIME, BIG DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, DAWG?

BIG MEN DON'T KNOW THEY'RE BIG, DO THEY, LADIES?

MEN BE WALKING AROUND LIKE WE STILL CUTE.

I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS BIG LAST WEEK.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS BIG.

TELL YOU HOW I FOUND OUT I WAS BIG.

MY BOYS ARE SHOOTING BALL. I GOT THERE LATE. THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS.

THEY SAY, "WE GOT YOU. WE GOT YOU, AND WE GOT YOU, BIG MAN.

I'M LIKE, "BIG MAN?"

WHO THE FUCK IS HE TALKING TO?

GOT SOME CLUES TO LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BIG.

IF THIS USED TO BE ABS... ABS.

NOW YOU GOT ONE AB, NIGGA, YOU A BIG DUDE, DAWG.

YOU A BIG DUDE.

IF YOU GET WINDED DOING EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES--

I WAS ON MY CELL PHONE THE OTHER DAY. MY BOY WAS LIKE,

"NIGGA, ARE YOU RUNNING?"

NO, ACTUALLY, I'M STANDING STILL.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

YOU A BIG DUDE IF YOU GOT MAN BREASTS.

YOU A MAN WITH TITTIES. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I AIN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD BREASTS TILL A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

ME AND MY WIFE, WE'RE DOING OUR THING.

COME TO FIND OUT I GOT TITS. I AIN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD--

WE DOING IT. I LOOK UP.

SHE TRYING TO SUCK MY TITTIES.

GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS-- WOULD YOU STOP?

WOULD YOU GODDAMN STOP? YOU PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH.

I LOVE MY WIFE. WE HAVE DISCOVERED HOW TO STAY TOGETHER.

WE 10 YEARS IN. WE KNOW HOW TO STAY TOGETHER.

IT AIN'T ABOUT MONEY. IT AIN'T REALLY ABOUT LOVE.

YOU KNOW THE SECRET TO STAYING TOGETHER WITH A MOTHERFUCKER?

SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMS.

COMING TOGETHER.

YOU COME, SHE COMES. ( moaning )

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. IT'S COMING TOGETHER.

YOU COME, SHE COME. PUT IT LIKE THIS, IF EVERYBODY SLEEPY,

AIN'T NOBODY MAD. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. YOU GOTTA BE IN SHAPE TO COME TOGETHER, THOUGH.

ME AND MY GIRL, WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER, WE WAS IN SHAPE.

WE USED TO COME TOGETHER. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

AND SEE, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ABOUT A WOMAN.

A WOMAN AIN'T ALL SEX ORGAN.

A WOMAN GOT ALL KIND OF BELLS AND WHISTLES. YOU GOTTA BE READY.

WE START OFF JUST REGULAR SEX, BUT SHE HAD ALL KINDS OF OTHER SPOTS.

SHE HAD THIS SPOT BEHIND HER EAR, AND WE BE DOING IT, RIGHT?

AND I HAD TO PULL ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER REAL HARD.

THAT TURN HER ON. THEN SHE HAD ANOTHER SPOT IN THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

SO I HAD TO PUNCH HER. NOW I'M PULLING, AND I'M PUNCHING.

THEN I GOT A TV ANTENNA, WHACK HER IN THE ASS FOUR OR FIVE TIMES.

SHE STARTS... ( moans )

THEN SHE TAKE MY BALLS, THROW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM.

( crying )

WE WOULD COME TOGETHER!

THAT'S BACK WHEN WE WAS IN SHAPE.

NOW SHE BIG, I'M BIG.

WE DON'T COME TOGETHER NO MORE, Y'ALL.

WE JUST GET FINISHED. "WHOO, SHIT, I'M FINISHED."

"GOD DAMN, YOU FINISHED?" "YEAH, I'M FINISHED, YEAH."

"WOULD YOU SCOOT THE FUCK OVER? IT'S TOO HOT.

IT'S TOO HOT."

HEY, YOU GUYS BEEN GREAT. MY NAME IS RODNEY PERRY.

Epps: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, STRAIGHT OUT OF ST. LOUIS,

GUY TORRY, Y'ALL.

WHAT UP?

WHAT UP?

Y'ALL ARE HOT UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

Y'ALL HOTTER THAN PUSSY UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER, GOD DAMN.

Y'ALL GOOD?

YEAH! WHITE FOLKS IN THE HOUSE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DOLL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING OUT.

WE LOVE WHITE PEOPLE. LOVE ALL Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS UP IN HERE.

ME, I LIKE INTERRACIAL DATING. ANY INTERRACIAL COUPLES HERE?

INTERRACIAL DATING, ANYBODY?

RIGHT THERE? YOU GOT ONE? GOT A LITTLE PINK TOE, PLAYER?

ALL RIGHT. SISTERS HATE WHEN A BROTHER MARRIES A WHITE GIRL, BOY.

Y'ALL HATE THAT SHIT. BE IN CHURCH, "OH, I LOVE THE LORD.

JESUS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME."

"NO, JEROME DIDN'T BRING THAT WHITE BITCH UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY BROTHERS MARRY WHITE GIRLS.

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS PAY FOR THE WEDDING.

LOT OF BLACK WOMEN DON'T KNOW THEIR DADDY.

BLACK BABIES ARE THE REAL MAGICIANS. THEY MAKE DADDIES DISAPPEAR.

YOUR GIRL BE, "HONEY, I'M PREGNANT."

NIGGA BE "ABRACADABRA, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE."

WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER, BEING THESE DIFFERENT RACES, THOUGH.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT SHIT. WE CAN LEARN FROM WHITE FOLKS.

THEY CAN LEARN FROM US. WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM.

WHITE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO SAVE MONEY. THEY DO.

THEY KNOW HOW TO KEEP MONEY. THEY SPEND THEIR MONEY GETTING RICH.

WE SPEND OUR MONEY TRYING TO LOOK RICH.

WE BROKE AS HELL, BUT WE LOOK GOOD.

WE GOT A MERCEDES BENZ, BUT WE'RE LIVING IN MAMA'S BASEMENT.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.

WE LOVE TO DRESS. WE LOVE TO DRESS.

WE LOVE LOOKING CLEAN. LOOK AT THE BROTHERS, LOOK, IN A SUIT.

YOU LAID THAT SHIT OUT TWO DAYS AGO ON THE BED,

LIKE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

YOU HAD IT LAID OUT.

WALKING BY, "OOH, LOOK AT THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE, NIGGA.

GOING TO THE 'DEF COMEDY JAM.'"

WE HAVE A $1,000 VERSACE SHIRT ON, NO ELECTRICITY.

WE 'HOOD RICH. WE GETTING DRESSED IN THE DARK.

"HOLD THAT CANDLE, PLAYER. HOLD THAT CANDLE, DAWG."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHERS--

WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO GET OUR CREDIT RIGHT.

WE SPEND OUR MONEY LOOKING GOOD FOR WOMEN.

YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT IMPRESSING WOMEN.

GATOR SHOES AND SHARP CLOTHES, FUCK THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT TURN A WOMAN ON? A HOUSE.

LOOK AT 'EM. LOOK AT 'EM.

LOOK AT 'EM.

( mimics Eddie Murphy ) "HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES."

'CAUSE A HOUSE SAYS YOU'RE STABLE AND SECURE.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT TO BE.

THEY WANT TO BE STABLE AND SECURE.

THEY AIN'T LOOKING FOR HUSBANDS. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SPONSORS.

THE GOLD DIGGERS OUT HERE ARE SMART.

THEY DON'T LOOK AT THE SHOES YOU GOT ON OR THE CAR YOU'RE DRIVING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO? THEY HANG OUT AT HOME DEPOT.

THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE IF YOUR ASS IN HOME DEPOT, YOU GOT A HOME.

HOW MANY APARTMENT MOTHERFUCKERS YOU SEE IN HOME DEPOT?

IT AIN'T APARTMENT DEPOT.

IT AIN'T HOMELESS DEPOT. IT'S HOME DEPOT.

YOU SEE WOMEN IN THERE SHOPPING FOR MEN.

"OOH, GIRL, LOOK, GIRL. OOH, GIRL, SHIT. THERE GO ONE, GIRL.

HE IN THE GARDEN SECTION. THAT MEANS HE GOT A YARD.

MY KIDS GOT SOMEPLACE TO PLAY, HONEY." ( imitates motor revving )

GOTTA DO THAT SHIT, ESPECIALLY CELEBRITIES, MAN.

COME ON NOW. CELEBRITIES, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

GOTTA SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY. GOING BANKRUPT, BEING DUMB.

FANTASIA, DUMB-ASS. I'M SORRY. YEAH, I SAID IT.

"AMERICAN IDOL" SHIT, DUMB. HOW YOU GONNA COME OUT

AND SAY YOU ILLITERATE, YOU CAN'T READ?

I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID SHIT. I WOULD HAVE PAID A MOTHERFUCKER TO READ FOR ME.

SHE AIN'T THE CUTEST BITCH IN THE WORLD, EITHER. FUCK THAT.

I SAID IT.

SHIT, I AIN'T THAT CUTE MY DAMN SELF.

I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS. I AIN'T THAT DAMN CUTE.

I'M SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN DENZEL AND FLAVOR FLAV.

NOW I'M A LITTLE CLOSER TO FLAVOR THAN I WANT TO BE, BUT FUCK IT.

I AIN'T FANTASIA.

50 CENT DUMB. I KNOW 50 CENT.

LOVE 50 CENT. UP IN THE CLUB, LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

HE DUMB AS SHIT, TOO. HAD A MOVIE OUT CALLED "GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'."

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE DAMN MOVIE.

I AUDITIONED FOR THE MOVIE. I'M READING MY LINES WITH 50 CENT.

HE READING HIS LINES. I'M READING MY LINES. HE OVER THERE STUCK ON A WORD.

HE OVER THERE, "T-T-T'HEY. T-T-T'HEY. T-T-T'HEY."

I'M LIKE, "'T'HEY,' NIGGA. WHAT SCRIPT YOU GOT? LET ME SEE YOUR SCRIPT.

THAT'S 'THE,' MOTHERFUCKER, 'THE.'"

I'M OUT OF HERE. Y'ALL BEEN GREAT. I'M GUY TORRY, Y'ALL.

PEACE!

( singing square dancing song )

SEE, A PIMP NIGGA LIKE THIS--

"ANYBODY SEEN MY BITCHES?

BITCH, GET OVER HERE.

GET OVER HERE!"

THIS IS "NIGGA BROKEBACK." FUCK "BROKEBACK." FUCK "BROKEBACK."

LET'S KEEP THIS PARTY ROLLING!

COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF CHI-TOWN, ILLINOIS,

DEON COLE!

( speaking monotone ) HEY, WHAT'S UP, MOTHERFUCKERS?

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

I'M GONNA DO SOME JOKES AND SHIT REAL QUICK.

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THESE JOKES AND SHIT, MAN.

IF Y'ALL DON'T, THEN IT DON'T MATTER.

I DON'T LIVE HERE.

WOMEN, WHEN YOU PREGNANT AND YOU HAVE LITTLE GIRLS,

QUIT GIVING THEM OLD-ASS NAMES.

WHEN THEY GET OLD, IT'S A TURNOFF TO NIGGAS IN THE CLUB, ALL RIGHT?

I WAS IN THE CLUB YESTERDAY. I SAW THIS LITTLE 21-YEAR-OLD.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, SWEETHEART? YOU WANT A DRINK?"

SHE LIKE, "YEAH." I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

SHE LIKE, "GLADYS."

UGH!

GET YOUR OLD YOUNG ASS OUT OF HERE, BITCH.

I CAN'T PICTURE MYSELF FUCKING HER,

GOING, "YOU LIKE THIS DICK...

GLADYS?"

I'M SICK OF HIP-HOP. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT, MAN.

FUCK THAT SHIT. THAT SHIT IS FUCKED UP NOW.

ALL MY JEANS I BUY FROM NOW ON

ARE GONNA BE SIZE 30S. FUCK THAT.

I'M GONNA GO GET ME A WHITE GIRL. I'M SELLING OUT. FUCK IT.

WHITE GIRLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS IN TIGHT JEANS.

ALL THEY WANNA SEE IS YOUR COCKPRINT.

GO UP TO A WHITE GIRL

WITH SOME TIGHT-ASS 30S ON LIKE THIS.

BE LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE GAS STATION IS?"

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "NICE COCKPRINT."

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE, MAN, I SAW THEM IN THE NEWS THE OTHER DAY.

DO YOU KNOW THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GOT A BLACK LITTLE GIRL BABY?

I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT. MNH-MNH, NO.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO HER HAIR.

THEY HAD THAT LITTLE GIRL IN A CHOIR,

HER HEAD NAPPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

AND THEY ENDED UP PUTTING MOUSSE IN HER SHIT,

MAKING IT EVEN HARDER.

GOT THAT LITTLE BABY HAIR LOOKING LIKE 9-11 SMOKE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

ANY MAN HERE IN TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES,

ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

AIN'T NO MAN HERE IN TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES?

ME AND HIM ARE THE ONLY NIGGAS THAT JACK OFF IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER, HUH?

LYING MOTHERFUCKERS.

ALL MEN JACK OFF. Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT THE 1-2-3 RED LIGHT?

Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT?

NIGGAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

ALL MEN MASTURBATE. A LOT OF WOMEN BE LIKE, "NOT MY MAN."

YEAH, YOUR MAN, TOO.

IT AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW FINE YOUR PUSSY IS.

IT DEALS WITH CONVENIENCY.

YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS AROUND.

AND TO BE HONEST, I'M THE MOST HORNIEST WHEN I'M BY MYSELF.

I GET ON THE ELEVATOR AND CLOSE THE DOOR

AND BE STANDING THERE LIKE...

"I OUGHTA PULL MY DICK OUT RIGHT NOW AND JUST WORK THIS SHIT ON OUT HERE."

I LIKE TO MASTURBATE TO AEROBICS ON TV.

I DON'T LIKE WATCHING IT. I JUST LIKE TO LISTEN TO IT.

LIKE THE LITTLE KOREAN LADY ON ESPN.

I THROW A BLANKET OVER THE TV AND TURN IT UP REAL LOUD.

SHE BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WE GONNA DO SOME STRETCHES RIGHT NOW.

YOU FEELING GOOD BACK THERE? WHAT ABOUT AT HOME?

ALL RIGHT!

YOU GUYS READY? COME ON, LET'S GO.

STRETCH AND PULL. COME ON NOW, STRETCH AND PULL."

I'M LIKE, "STRETCH AND PULL.

STRETCH AND PULL."

( mimics Korean accent ) "WE'RE GONNA BREAK IT DOWN NOW. TWO MORE.

ONE MORE. NOW SHAKE IT ON OFF."

I'M LIKE... ( moans )

"HOW YOU FEELING AT HOME?" ( snores )

USUALLY A COMEDIAN AT THE END OF HIS JOKE,

HE LEAVE ON A REAL BIG JOKE AT THE END, WHERE HE BE LIKE...

"( mumbles ) AND GOOD NIGHT!"

AND HE LEAVES, AND EVERYBODY BE LIKE, "AAAAH!"

I'M JUST GONNA GO.

SO I THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT, DEF JAM. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Epps: GIVE IT UP FOR KENNY HOWELL!

YEAH! CUT IT OFF, KID. CUT IT OFF.

WHAT UP, Y'ALL? DEF JAM IN THE HOUSE.

( crowd cheering )

YEAH! GOTTA GIVE MAD SHOUTS OUT TO MY BOY KID CAPRI.

WHILE YOU'RE CLAPPING, GIVE ME SOME, GOD DAMN IT. I JUST GOT MARRIED.

FUCK ALL THAT CLAPPING.

STOP, GOD DAMN IT. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY I GOT MARRIED?

MARRIAGE IS A MOTHERFUCKER. HOW MANY OF Y'ALL ARE MARRIED?

SEE, ALL RIGHT, SEE.

MOSTLY WOMEN MEN, WE DON'T TOO MUCH CARE

FOR THAT MARRIAGE.

WE WOULD WAIT FOREVER TO MARRY YOUR ASS.

WE ONLY MARRY YOUR ASS 'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THAT'S IT.

WE'RE LIKE, "WELL, SHIT. SHE'S 68. BEFORE SHE HITS 69,

I'M GONNA GO ON AND MARRY HER."

WOMEN WANNA MARRY YOUR ASS 'CAUSE THEY DONE PUT UP WITH ALL YOUR SHIT.

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER BETTER MARRY ME. I WAS THERE FOR HIM.

I DONE STOOD BY THIS MOTHERFUCKER. HE GONNA GET ME A RING.

FUCK THAT. I WAS THERE WHEN HE WENT TO JAIL,

BEAT MY MAMA UP, THREW MY GRANDMA OFF THAT PORCH AND HAD MY DADDY SHOT."

NIGGA AIN'T SHIT.

BUT MARRIAGE IS COOL. IT'S COOL.

'CAUSE I LOVE MY MARRIAGE, MY WIFE, GOD DAMN IT.

BUT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, IT'S DEEP.

SEE, BECAUSE SHE DON'T LIVE WITH YOU AT FIRST.

SO WHEN SHE DON'T LIVE WITH YOU, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.

YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SHIT.

WHEN SHE MOVE IN, SHIT CHANGE.

SHIT MAKE HER LOOK DIFFERENT TO YOU.

YOU GO IN THE BATHROOM. SHE DONE TOOK THAT FIRST SHIT,

SHE DON'T LOOK THE SAME TO YOU NO MORE.

LIKE, GODDAMN, I DIDN'T KNOW A WOMAN COULD SMELL LIKE THAT. SHIT!

DIDN'T WE EAT THE SAME THING?

YOUR SHIT SMELLS LIKE MY FATHER, AND I KNOW HE HAVE GORILLA SHIT.

SHE MAKING EXCUSES. THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD.

THAT CAME OUT YOUR ASS, NOT YOUR PUSSY.

SEE, THAT'S WHY WOMEN DON'T LIKE POOTING AROUND YOU.

THEY DON'T POOT. FOR REAL.

NO, THEM MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T FART.

THEY HIDE IT AND LIE AND SHIT, ALL THAT.

'CAUSE THAT SMELL AIN'T BECOMING OF A BEAUTIFUL FACE.

THAT SMELL JUST FUCKS THEIR LOOKS UP.

SO THEY'LL LIE WHEN THEY POOT.

BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU DENYING YOU DONE POOTED.

BUT JUST ADMIT SOMETHING SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN THIS ROOM.

DON'T HAVE ME LOOKING AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

'CAUSE YOU COULD BE IN A ROOM WATCHING TV AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THE WHOLE SMELL CHANGE.

YOU BE IN A STATE OF SHOCK.

YOU'RE LIKE "GODDAMN! YOU DON'T SMELL THIS?"

SHE GOES, "SMELL WHAT? SMELL WHAT?"

YOU LOOKING UNDER HER SHOES.

DID YOU STEP ON SOME DOG SHIT ON THE WAY IN THE HOUSE?

THEY'RE MOTHERFUCKERS. THEY WANT YOU TO TINGLE THEM AND SHIT.

WE DON'T LIKE ALL THAT. LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND SHIT,

WOMEN BE WANTING TO BREAK A MAN DOWN.

WANT TO SEE YOU ALL TENDER AND SHIT.

WE DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.

THEY BE SUCKING ON YOUR TITTIES AND SHIT.

I DON'T-- DON'T DO THAT TO ME.

TELL THEM, FELLAS. DON'T BE SUCKING ON MY TITTIES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO FEEL.

I'M TRYING TO FEEL LIKE A MAN. YOU GOT ME TINGLING AND SHIT.

I'M ABOUT READY TO HAUL OFF AND BUST YOU IN THE SIDE

OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD.

FUCK I LOOK LIKE? BIG-ASS MAN,

MY LITTLE BITTY NIPPLE HARD.

MIGHT AS WELL GO AND STICK YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS NOW. I'M FEELING LIKE A FAG.

SUCKING ON MY TITTY.

THAT'S THE SHIT I DO TO YOU TO GET SOME PUSSY. YOU CAN'T GET NO PUSSY FROM ME.

NOW WOMEN, THEY CAN BUST A NUT AND KEEP GOING.

YEAH, WE CAN'T DO THAT SHIT. WE ONLY GOT ONE TIME AROUND.

WOMEN WILL BUST A NUT AND WON'T EVEN TELL YOU. I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.

'CAUSE THEY BE WORKING ON NUMBER TWO, YOU STRUGGLING TO GET A FIRST ONE OFF.

YOU IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE, "GODDAMN, THIS BITCH AIN'T GONNA NEVER COME.

I GOTTA WORK IN THE MORNING. MY BACK HURTS.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?"

SHE DONE SNUCK ONE ON YOUR DUMB ASS.

YOU KNOW WHEN THEY GO IN THAT SHOCK, THEY DONE BUST...

"OH, SHIT!"

WE CAN'T DO THAT SHIT. Y'ALL KNOW IF WE DONE CAME.

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY DONE TOOK THEM THINGS AND HIT US WITH THAT "CLEAR!"

BUT Y'ALL MIGHT BE ABLE TO SNEAK A NUT,

BUT GOD MADE OUR NUT FEEL BETTER THAN YOURS, GOD DAMN IT.

TELL THEM, FELLAS. WHEN WE BUST A NUT,

IF YOU'RE NOT COMING WITH US, WE WILL CHOKE THE SHIT OUT OF...

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT'S COMING OUT YOUR MOUTH.

WE WILL LOCK YOUR HEAD.

AND Y'ALL KNOW WHEN Y'ALL ABOUT TO GET CHOKED.

THEY DO 'CAUSE OUR LAST SEVEN STROKES ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.

STRAIGHT AHEAD.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'VE BEEN MANEUVERING AROUND, BOY.

WHEN WE FEEL THAT NUT COMING, WE WANT EACH STROKE

TO FEEL LIKE THAT LAST ONE.

( grunting )

AND THAT TINGLE IN YOUR DICK GETS STRONGER AND STRONGER.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT MY HEAD OFF THE HEADBOARD!"

FUCK THAT! "I CAN'T BREATHE!" BITCH, I CAN BREATHE!

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG!" THIS YOUR LEG. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

HEY, Y'ALL, KENNY HOWELL, Y'ALL.

Epps: GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN TALENT!

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

YOU KNOW THE RULES. DON'T TAKE NONE OF THIS SHIT PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST COMEDY.

ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE, SAY "OW!"

Women: OW!

I JUST LIKE THE WAY THAT SHIT SOUNDS.

IF I HAD THAT SHIT AT THE CRIB--

( imitates female voice ) "OW! OW!"

- FELLAS, SAY, "OH!" - Men: OH!

SEE THAT BULLSHIT THEY GAVE US?

THEY GOT SEXY SHIT. "OW!"

WE GO, "OH!"

OUR SHIT SOUNDS, "OH!"

WE BORDERLINE RETARDED. "OHHH!"

LIKE WE FOLLOWING. "OHHH!"

WE'RE ALMOST CHEWBACCA FROM "STAR WARS."

( gurgles ) OH!

WE WANT SOME SEXY SHIT, TOO.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM. DOUBLE STANDARD ON SEXY.

WOMEN GOT ALL THE SEXY SHIT, FELLAS.

THEY GOT LINGERIE. THEY WANNA GET SEXY,

THEY GOT A BUNCH OF SHIT THEY COULD THROW ON. THONGS, G-STRING,

CROTCHLESS PANTIES, TEDDIES,

LACE, SEE-THROUGH SHIT.

WE WANNA GET SEXY, WHAT DO WE GOT? SPEEDOS, BRIEFS.

FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARD. WE WANT SOME SEXY SHIT RIGHT HERE.

WE WANT SOME LACE SHIT RIGHT HERE,

SOME SEE-THROUGH SHIT

WITH LIKE ONE HOLE WHERE ONE NUT COULD COULD DRIP THROUGH.

NIGGA COME IN THE ROOM. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

COME IN THE ROOM WITH ONE NUT. "YEAH!

YOU LIKE THAT NUT, DON'T YOU?

YOU LIKE ME SWING THAT NUT?

WELL, SWING THAT NUT."

FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARD.

THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN.

I LOVE WOMEN, BUT WOMEN MAKE YOU MAD, MAN,

'CAUSE WOMEN PUT YOUR SHIT ON THE WIRE TOO QUICK.

WOMEN ARE ON THE SEARCH OF THE BIG DICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? THEY'RE ON A SEARCH OF THE BIG DICK.

IT'S FUCKED UP, LADIES. YOU PUTTING PRESSURE

ON NIGGAS WHO AIN'T GOT A BIG DICK.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT IF YOU GOT A BIG DICK. THEY DON'T CARE.

"I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS. I'M GOOD."

BUT THE NIGGAS WHO DON'T, YOU PUT PRESSURE ON THEM.

YOUR SHIT BE ON THE WIRE BEFORE YOU MAKE IT TO YOUR CAR.

YOU FUCK A GIRL TONIGHT, YOUR SHIT WILL BE ON THE WIRE

BEFORE YOU MAKE IT TO YOUR CAR.

YOU BETTER HOPE YOU GOT A BIG DICK.

SOON AS YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU GET... ( mimics ringtone )

'CAUSE THE GIRLFRIEND ALREADY KNOW THEY FUCK.

( mimics ringtone ) "GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"

THEY DON'T NEVER SAY WHAT IT IS. THEY GOT CODES AND SHIT.

THEY TALK IN FUCKING CODE.

"GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"

IF YOUR DICK WAS LITTLE, SHE BE LIKE... ( snickers )

"THIS NIGGA HERE...

DISRESPECTFUL MOTHERFUCKER."

YOU KNOW IF YOU GOT A BIG DICK, THEY DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT THERE.

( mimics ringtone ) "GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"

"I'M GONNA CALL YOU TOMORROW.

THIS NIGGA BLEW MY BACK OUT."

THAT'S WHY I THINK DICKS SHOULD COME WITH THEIR OWN SOUNDS.

IF A DICK CAME WITH SOUND OR MUSIC,

YOU WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GETTING INTO.

SOON AS THAT NIGGA WHIP THAT DICK OUT, HE GOT HIS OWN SOUND.

YOU KNOW, BIG DICKS WOULD BE CRAZY... ( growling )

"GO UPSTAIRS!"

"WHAT IS THAT?" "I'M COMING UP, BITCH."

YOU KNOW, LITTLE DICKS... ( whistling )

SHE BE LIKE,

"DID SOMEBODY LEAVE A WINDOW OPEN?"

"DON'T DISRESPECT ME, BITCH. I'M COMING UP."

YOU NEED THAT SHIT.

'CAUSE TO ME, COMPATIBILITY IS EVERYTHING.

IF YOU COMPATIBLE, SEE, PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ALL THE WRONG SHIT.

LOVE, FINANCES. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT NOBODY SAY.

IF Y'ALL CAN'T FUCK TOGETHER, AND BE ON THAT BLISS

WHEN YOU FUCKING, THAT RELATIONSHIP AIN'T GONNA LAST.

YOU GOT TO BE ON THE SAME FUCKING LEVEL.

YOUR COMPATIBILITY GOTTA BE IN ORDER.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU A FREAK AND SHE A FREAK DON'T MEAN GOOD COUPLE.

YOU MIGHT GET IT TWISTED.

THERE'S DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FREAK-TIVITY.

YOU GOT TO KNOW YOUR FUCKING LEVEL. YOU FEEL ME?

YOU MIGHT GET IT TWISTED. BROTHER ROLL UP ON YOU TONIGHT.

AT A BAR, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, YO?

YOU EVER FUCK ON A ROOF?"

YOU'D BE LIKE, "NO,

BUT THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING."

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HE WANNA HANG YOU OVER THE EDGE

OF THE SHIT.

BE ALL GOOD TILL YOU DIP THAT ASS.

"YOU LIKE THAT?" ( imitates woman's scream )

"SHUT UP. I GOT YOU.

YOU A SUCKER. I GOT YOU."

I'M OUTTA HERE, Y'ALL. PEACE!

AND THE MAN WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE--

RUSSELL SIMMONS.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

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