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1
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,073
( theme music
playing )
2
00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:20,026
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY
3
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,073
"RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"!
4
00:00:22,066 --> 00:00:24,566
WITH YOUR HOST--
MIKE EPPS!
5
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,927
TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
RODNEY PERRY,
6
00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:30,074
GUY TORRY, DEON COLE,
7
00:00:30,066 --> 00:00:33,326
KENNY HOWELL
AND TALENT.
8
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:36,704
I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,
9
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,500
THE KID CAPRI!
10
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:42,170
- AND WE ARE BACK!
- ( crowd cheering )
11
00:00:42,166 --> 00:00:44,296
AND NOW THE HOST--
12
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:46,770
MIKE EPPS!
13
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,100
YEAH!
14
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,070
YEAH!
15
00:00:57,066 --> 00:00:59,626
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHAT'S UP, L.A.?
16
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,930
ALL RIGHT, SHIT.
17
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:10,604
BOY, YOU ALL LOOKING GOOD
IN THE GOVERNMENT CHECK.
18
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,100
YOU KNOW
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
19
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:14,970
IT COME ON TIME
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
20
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:18,727
YOU'RE ALL LOOKING
AT ME LIKE, "LIGHT SKIN IS PLAYED OUT."
21
00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:23,503
HEY, KID CAPRI,
IS LIGHT-SKINNED PLAYED OUT?
22
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,900
- HELL, NO!
- HELL, NO! HELL, NO!
23
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:30,630
WE GOT FARRAKHAN,
RUSSELL SIMMONS.
24
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,600
WE GOT A LOT
OF LIGHT-SKINNED PEOPLE.
25
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,800
JOE LOUIS.
26
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,530
THIS GIRL WALKED UP
TO ME THE OTHER DAY,
27
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,403
"I DON'T REALLY FUCK
WITH LIGHT-SKINNED DUDES."
28
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,130
I SAID, "WELL, BITCH,
WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?"
29
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:48,330
LIKE I CAN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT OR SOMETHING. THIS IS IT.
30
00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:51,467
Woman in audience:
COME ON, DAY-DAY!
31
00:01:51,467 --> 00:01:53,697
DON'T CALL ME "DAY-DAY,"
GOD DAMN IT.
32
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,070
THAT AIN'T MY FUCKING NAME,
MOTHERFUCKERS.
33
00:01:56,066 --> 00:01:59,766
FUCKING CALL ME DAY-DAY.
34
00:02:03,266 --> 00:02:06,226
DO I LOOK LIKE DAY-DAY,
MOTHERFUCKERS?
35
00:02:08,633 --> 00:02:10,403
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING,
MAN.
36
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,630
I KNOW Y'ALL SEEN ME
IN A COUPLE OF THEM MOVIES,
37
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:16,173
BUT THE MONEY'S GONE.
I FUCKED IT UP.
38
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,200
Y'ALL READY
FOR THE COMEDIANS, COME ON!
39
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,130
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER--
STRAIGHT OUT OF L.A.--
40
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,573
FOR RODNEY PERRY!
41
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,400
HOW YOU ALL FEELING?
42
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:37,997
GOOD TO SEE
THE WHITE FOLKS OUT.
43
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,630
GIVE IT UP FOR
THE WHITE FOLKS, Y'ALL. SHOW 'EM SOME LOVE.
44
00:02:43,533 --> 00:02:46,833
WHERE THE RACISTS AT?
MAKE SOME NOISE, RACISTS, MAKE SOME NOISE.
45
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,297
YOU A RACIST, DAWG?
46
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,500
ANY WHITE FOLKS RACIST?
SAY NIGGER SOMETIME WHEN YOU BY YOURSELF WITH YOUR FRIENDS?
47
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,100
NIGGA, I'M A RACIST.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU, THOUGH,
48
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,730
I AIN'T A COMPLETE
RACIST. I LIKE MOST OF THE WHITE PEOPLE.
49
00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:03,804
CAN I TELL YOU
WHAT I LIKE? I LIKE ALL THE YOUNG WHITE PEOPLE.
50
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,900
ANYBODY UNDER 50, 55,
LOVE Y'ALL.
51
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:10,400
I GOT A PROBLEM
WITH ALL THE OLD WHITE FOLKS,
52
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,670
ANYBODY 85, 90.
53
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:16,197
ANYBODY CIVIL RIGHTS AGE,
I GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ASS.
54
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,870
ANYBODY WATER HOSE AGE?
55
00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:22,597
WHOO!
I'M FUCKING THEM UP. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
56
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,530
YOU WATER HOSE AGE,
THAT'S YOUR GODDAMN ASS. THAT'S ALL I'M TELLING YOU.
57
00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:27,873
WHOO! I WAS AT THE STORE
THE OTHER DAY, OLD LADY,
58
00:03:27,867 --> 00:03:29,497
"YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU
GET IT OFF THE TOP SHELF?"
59
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,400
CAN YOU GET YOURSELF UP,
BITCH? HUH?
60
00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,627
HUH?
61
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:38,433
HUH?
62
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:41,103
THAT'S FOR MARTIN
LUTHER KING, BITCH.
63
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:44,830
REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE,
HUH?
64
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:46,374
REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE?
65
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:47,997
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
66
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,670
I KNOW SOME OF YOU ALL
BIRACIAL, SOME WHITE FOLKS IN THERE.
67
00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:52,967
HEY, TOO BAD,
GOD DAMN IT.
68
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,997
TOO BAD.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
69
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,000
I BE WORKING OUT.
I WAS IN WAL-MART THE OTHER DAY.
70
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,230
OLD WHITE DUDE,
"YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU GET THAT OFF THE TOP SHELF?"
71
00:03:59,233 --> 00:04:01,103
CAN YOU GET
YOURSELF UP, HUH?
72
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,700
HA HA HA, YEAH.
73
00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:06,067
THAT'S FOR MEDGAR EVERS,
BITCH.
74
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,330
REMEMBER THE WATER HOSE,
HUH?
75
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,673
REMEMBER THE GODDAMN
WATER...
76
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:18,033
I'M A BIG DUDE.
BIG DUDES, MAKE SOME NOISE. WHERE YOU ALL AT?
77
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:22,073
I NEED YOU TO REACT
QUICKER NEXT TIME, BIG DUDE.
78
00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:24,803
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS,
DAWG?
79
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,000
BIG MEN DON'T KNOW
THEY'RE BIG, DO THEY, LADIES?
80
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,470
MEN BE WALKING AROUND
LIKE WE STILL CUTE.
81
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,467
I JUST FOUND OUT
I WAS BIG LAST WEEK.
82
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,467
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS BIG.
83
00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:35,397
TELL YOU HOW I FOUND OUT
I WAS BIG.
84
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,770
MY BOYS ARE SHOOTING BALL.
I GOT THERE LATE. THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS.
85
00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:39,867
THEY SAY,
"WE GOT YOU. WE GOT YOU, AND WE GOT YOU, BIG MAN.
86
00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:41,867
I'M LIKE, "BIG MAN?"
87
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:45,427
WHO THE FUCK
IS HE TALKING TO?
88
00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:48,073
GOT SOME CLUES TO LET
YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BIG.
89
00:04:48,066 --> 00:04:50,896
IF THIS USED
TO BE ABS... ABS.
90
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:54,970
NOW YOU GOT ONE AB, NIGGA,
YOU A BIG DUDE, DAWG.
91
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:56,927
YOU A BIG DUDE.
92
00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:59,774
IF YOU GET WINDED
DOING EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES--
93
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:01,867
I WAS ON MY CELL PHONE
THE OTHER DAY. MY BOY WAS LIKE,
94
00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:04,027
"NIGGA,
ARE YOU RUNNING?"
95
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,370
NO, ACTUALLY,
I'M STANDING STILL.
96
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,067
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
97
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,997
YOU A BIG DUDE
IF YOU GOT MAN BREASTS.
98
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:18,970
YOU A MAN WITH TITTIES.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
99
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:21,597
I AIN'T EVEN KNOW
I HAD BREASTS TILL A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
100
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,870
ME AND MY WIFE,
WE'RE DOING OUR THING.
101
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:27,897
COME TO FIND OUT I GOT TITS.
I AIN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD--
102
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:29,770
WE DOING IT.
I LOOK UP.
103
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:32,767
SHE TRYING TO SUCK
MY TITTIES.
104
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,627
GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS--
WOULD YOU STOP?
105
00:05:35,633 --> 00:05:39,233
WOULD YOU GODDAMN STOP?
YOU PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH.
106
00:05:42,066 --> 00:05:45,226
I LOVE MY WIFE.
WE HAVE DISCOVERED HOW TO STAY TOGETHER.
107
00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:47,503
WE 10 YEARS IN.
WE KNOW HOW TO STAY TOGETHER.
108
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:51,030
IT AIN'T ABOUT MONEY.
IT AIN'T REALLY ABOUT LOVE.
109
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:54,673
YOU KNOW THE SECRET
TO STAYING TOGETHER WITH A MOTHERFUCKER?
110
00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:57,767
SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMS.
111
00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,067
COMING TOGETHER.
112
00:06:00,066 --> 00:06:02,626
YOU COME, SHE COMES.
( moaning )
113
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,096
THAT'S WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT. IT'S COMING TOGETHER.
114
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,430
YOU COME, SHE COME.
PUT IT LIKE THIS, IF EVERYBODY SLEEPY,
115
00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:13,973
AIN'T NOBODY MAD.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
116
00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:19,800
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
YOU GOTTA BE IN SHAPE TO COME TOGETHER, THOUGH.
117
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,230
ME AND MY GIRL,
WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER, WE WAS IN SHAPE.
118
00:06:22,233 --> 00:06:23,833
WE USED TO COME TOGETHER.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
119
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,904
AND SEE, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ABOUT A WOMAN.
120
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:27,870
A WOMAN AIN'T ALL
SEX ORGAN.
121
00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:31,527
A WOMAN GOT ALL KIND
OF BELLS AND WHISTLES. YOU GOTTA BE READY.
122
00:06:31,533 --> 00:06:33,973
WE START OFF JUST
REGULAR SEX, BUT SHE HAD ALL KINDS OF OTHER SPOTS.
123
00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:36,297
SHE HAD THIS SPOT
BEHIND HER EAR, AND WE BE DOING IT, RIGHT?
124
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,900
AND I HAD TO PULL
ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER REAL HARD.
125
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:41,400
THAT TURN HER ON.
THEN SHE HAD ANOTHER SPOT IN THE BACK OF HER HEAD.
126
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,600
SO I HAD TO PUNCH HER.
NOW I'M PULLING, AND I'M PUNCHING.
127
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,970
THEN I GOT A TV ANTENNA,
WHACK HER IN THE ASS FOUR OR FIVE TIMES.
128
00:06:47,967 --> 00:06:50,367
SHE STARTS...
( moans )
129
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,697
THEN SHE TAKE MY BALLS,
THROW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM.
130
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,573
( crying )
131
00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:03,067
WE WOULD
COME TOGETHER!
132
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,703
THAT'S BACK
WHEN WE WAS IN SHAPE.
133
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,270
NOW SHE BIG, I'M BIG.
134
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:12,666
WE DON'T COME TOGETHER
NO MORE, Y'ALL.
135
00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:15,597
WE JUST GET FINISHED.
"WHOO, SHIT, I'M FINISHED."
136
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:21,570
"GOD DAMN, YOU FINISHED?"
"YEAH, I'M FINISHED, YEAH."
137
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,897
"WOULD YOU SCOOT
THE FUCK OVER? IT'S TOO HOT.
138
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,127
IT'S TOO HOT."
139
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:29,933
HEY, YOU GUYS BEEN GREAT.
MY NAME IS RODNEY PERRY.
140
00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:35,497
Epps:
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, STRAIGHT OUT OF ST. LOUIS,
141
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,630
GUY TORRY, Y'ALL.
142
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,427
WHAT UP?
143
00:07:43,433 --> 00:07:45,573
WHAT UP?
144
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,867
Y'ALL ARE HOT UP
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
145
00:07:48,867 --> 00:07:51,967
Y'ALL HOTTER
THAN PUSSY UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER, GOD DAMN.
146
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,767
Y'ALL GOOD?
147
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,597
YEAH!
WHITE FOLKS IN THE HOUSE.
148
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,930
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DOLL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING OUT.
149
00:07:57,934 --> 00:08:00,234
WE LOVE WHITE PEOPLE.
LOVE ALL Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS UP IN HERE.
150
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:03,273
ME, I LIKE INTERRACIAL
DATING. ANY INTERRACIAL COUPLES HERE?
151
00:08:03,266 --> 00:08:05,296
INTERRACIAL DATING,
ANYBODY?
152
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:09,030
RIGHT THERE? YOU GOT ONE?
GOT A LITTLE PINK TOE, PLAYER?
153
00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:11,873
ALL RIGHT.
SISTERS HATE WHEN A BROTHER MARRIES A WHITE GIRL, BOY.
154
00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:14,597
Y'ALL HATE THAT SHIT.
BE IN CHURCH, "OH, I LOVE THE LORD.
155
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,230
JESUS BEEN SO GOOD
TO ME."
156
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,930
"NO, JEROME DIDN'T
BRING THAT WHITE BITCH UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."
157
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,274
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHY BROTHERS MARRY WHITE GIRLS.
158
00:08:26,266 --> 00:08:29,666
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS PAY FOR THE WEDDING.
159
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,127
LOT OF BLACK WOMEN
DON'T KNOW THEIR DADDY.
160
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:38,530
BLACK BABIES ARE
THE REAL MAGICIANS. THEY MAKE DADDIES DISAPPEAR.
161
00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,033
YOUR GIRL BE,
"HONEY, I'M PREGNANT."
162
00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:43,103
NIGGA BE
"ABRACADABRA, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE."
163
00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:48,903
WE CAN LEARN FROM
EACH OTHER, BEING THESE DIFFERENT RACES, THOUGH.
164
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,700
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT SHIT.
WE CAN LEARN FROM WHITE FOLKS.
165
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,730
THEY CAN LEARN FROM US.
WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM.
166
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:54,804
WHITE PEOPLE KNOW
HOW TO SAVE MONEY. THEY DO.
167
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,870
THEY KNOW HOW TO KEEP MONEY.
THEY SPEND THEIR MONEY GETTING RICH.
168
00:08:57,867 --> 00:09:00,097
WE SPEND OUR MONEY TRYING
TO LOOK RICH.
169
00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:03,533
WE BROKE AS HELL,
BUT WE LOOK GOOD.
170
00:09:03,533 --> 00:09:05,773
WE GOT A MERCEDES BENZ,
BUT WE'RE LIVING IN MAMA'S BASEMENT.
171
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:08,067
SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THAT.
172
00:09:08,066 --> 00:09:10,226
WE LOVE TO DRESS.
WE LOVE TO DRESS.
173
00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:13,573
WE LOVE LOOKING CLEAN.
LOOK AT THE BROTHERS, LOOK, IN A SUIT.
174
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,467
YOU LAID THAT SHIT OUT
TWO DAYS AGO ON THE BED,
175
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:19,297
LIKE IT'S THE FIRST DAY
OF SCHOOL.
176
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:22,027
YOU HAD IT LAID OUT.
177
00:09:22,033 --> 00:09:25,003
WALKING BY, "OOH,
LOOK AT THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE, NIGGA.
178
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,570
GOING TO THE
'DEF COMEDY JAM.'"
179
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,867
WE HAVE A $1,000 VERSACE
SHIRT ON, NO ELECTRICITY.
180
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,130
WE 'HOOD RICH.
WE GETTING DRESSED IN THE DARK.
181
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,373
"HOLD THAT CANDLE, PLAYER.
HOLD THAT CANDLE, DAWG."
182
00:09:38,266 --> 00:09:39,766
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, BROTHERS--
183
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:42,467
WE NEED TO LEARN HOW
TO GET OUR CREDIT RIGHT.
184
00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:45,227
WE SPEND OUR MONEY
LOOKING GOOD FOR WOMEN.
185
00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:49,303
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT IMPRESSING WOMEN.
186
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,070
GATOR SHOES
AND SHARP CLOTHES, FUCK THAT.
187
00:09:51,066 --> 00:09:53,296
YOU KNOW WHAT TURN
A WOMAN ON? A HOUSE.
188
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,830
LOOK AT 'EM.
LOOK AT 'EM.
189
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:56,474
LOOK AT 'EM.
190
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:59,767
( mimics Eddie Murphy )
"HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES."
191
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,127
'CAUSE A HOUSE SAYS
YOU'RE STABLE AND SECURE.
192
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,673
THAT'S WHAT WOMEN
WANT TO BE.
193
00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:06,367
THEY WANT TO BE STABLE
AND SECURE.
194
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,300
THEY AIN'T LOOKING
FOR HUSBANDS. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SPONSORS.
195
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,130
THE GOLD DIGGERS OUT HERE
ARE SMART.
196
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:17,503
THEY DON'T LOOK
AT THE SHOES YOU GOT ON OR THE CAR YOU'RE DRIVING.
197
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:21,430
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?
THEY HANG OUT AT HOME DEPOT.
198
00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:24,703
THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE IF
YOUR ASS IN HOME DEPOT, YOU GOT A HOME.
199
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:28,870
HOW MANY APARTMENT
MOTHERFUCKERS YOU SEE IN HOME DEPOT?
200
00:10:28,867 --> 00:10:31,897
IT AIN'T APARTMENT DEPOT.
201
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:35,830
IT AIN'T HOMELESS DEPOT.
IT'S HOME DEPOT.
202
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,804
YOU SEE WOMEN IN THERE
SHOPPING FOR MEN.
203
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,200
"OOH, GIRL, LOOK, GIRL.
OOH, GIRL, SHIT. THERE GO ONE, GIRL.
204
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,530
HE IN THE GARDEN SECTION.
THAT MEANS HE GOT A YARD.
205
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:48,433
MY KIDS GOT
SOMEPLACE TO PLAY, HONEY." ( imitates motor revving )
206
00:10:48,433 --> 00:10:51,033
GOTTA DO THAT SHIT,
ESPECIALLY CELEBRITIES, MAN.
207
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:53,433
COME ON NOW. CELEBRITIES,
YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
208
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:56,273
GOTTA SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY.
GOING BANKRUPT, BEING DUMB.
209
00:10:56,266 --> 00:10:58,996
FANTASIA, DUMB-ASS.
I'M SORRY. YEAH, I SAID IT.
210
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,100
"AMERICAN IDOL" SHIT, DUMB.
HOW YOU GONNA COME OUT
211
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,070
AND SAY YOU ILLITERATE,
YOU CAN'T READ?
212
00:11:03,066 --> 00:11:05,526
I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID SHIT.
I WOULD HAVE PAID A MOTHERFUCKER TO READ FOR ME.
213
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,400
SHE AIN'T THE CUTEST BITCH
IN THE WORLD, EITHER. FUCK THAT.
214
00:11:11,934 --> 00:11:15,204
I SAID IT.
215
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,770
SHIT, I AIN'T THAT CUTE
MY DAMN SELF.
216
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:19,827
I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS.
I AIN'T THAT DAMN CUTE.
217
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:23,734
I'M SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
DENZEL AND FLAVOR FLAV.
218
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:30,027
NOW I'M A LITTLE CLOSER
TO FLAVOR THAN I WANT TO BE, BUT FUCK IT.
219
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:32,903
I AIN'T FANTASIA.
220
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,670
50 CENT DUMB.
I KNOW 50 CENT.
221
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,597
LOVE 50 CENT.
UP IN THE CLUB, LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
222
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,900
HE DUMB AS SHIT, TOO.
HAD A MOVIE OUT CALLED "GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'."
223
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,900
I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THE DAMN MOVIE.
224
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,730
I AUDITIONED FOR THE MOVIE.
I'M READING MY LINES WITH 50 CENT.
225
00:11:44,734 --> 00:11:47,874
HE READING HIS LINES.
I'M READING MY LINES. HE OVER THERE STUCK ON A WORD.
226
00:11:49,233 --> 00:11:52,603
HE OVER THERE, "T-T-T'HEY.
T-T-T'HEY. T-T-T'HEY."
227
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,800
I'M LIKE, "'T'HEY,' NIGGA.
WHAT SCRIPT YOU GOT? LET ME SEE YOUR SCRIPT.
228
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,730
THAT'S 'THE,'
MOTHERFUCKER, 'THE.'"
229
00:11:56,734 --> 00:11:59,674
I'M OUT OF HERE.
Y'ALL BEEN GREAT. I'M GUY TORRY, Y'ALL.
230
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:02,127
PEACE!
231
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,930
( singing
square dancing song )
232
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:28,373
SEE, A PIMP NIGGA
LIKE THIS--
233
00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:30,497
"ANYBODY SEEN MY BITCHES?
234
00:12:32,066 --> 00:12:34,966
BITCH, GET OVER HERE.
235
00:12:34,967 --> 00:12:37,297
GET OVER HERE!"
236
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:53,533
THIS IS "NIGGA BROKEBACK."
FUCK "BROKEBACK." FUCK "BROKEBACK."
237
00:12:56,533 --> 00:12:59,033
LET'S KEEP THIS PARTY
ROLLING!
238
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:05,170
COMING TO THE STAGE,
STRAIGHT OUT OF CHI-TOWN, ILLINOIS,
239
00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:07,426
DEON COLE!
240
00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:19,326
( speaking monotone )
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MOTHERFUCKERS?
241
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:22,473
HOW YOU ALL DOING?
242
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,767
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
243
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:28,127
I'M GONNA DO SOME JOKES
AND SHIT REAL QUICK.
244
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:32,027
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY
THESE JOKES AND SHIT, MAN.
245
00:13:32,033 --> 00:13:34,673
IF Y'ALL DON'T,
THEN IT DON'T MATTER.
246
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,367
I DON'T LIVE HERE.
247
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:46,327
WOMEN, WHEN YOU PREGNANT
AND YOU HAVE LITTLE GIRLS,
248
00:13:46,333 --> 00:13:49,203
QUIT GIVING THEM
OLD-ASS NAMES.
249
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,830
WHEN THEY GET OLD,
IT'S A TURNOFF TO NIGGAS IN THE CLUB, ALL RIGHT?
250
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,467
I WAS IN THE CLUB YESTERDAY.
I SAW THIS LITTLE 21-YEAR-OLD.
251
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,467
I'M LIKE, "HEY,
WHAT'S UP, SWEETHEART? YOU WANT A DRINK?"
252
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,527
SHE LIKE, "YEAH."
I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
253
00:14:01,533 --> 00:14:04,303
SHE LIKE, "GLADYS."
254
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:12,367
UGH!
255
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:15,897
GET YOUR OLD YOUNG ASS
OUT OF HERE, BITCH.
256
00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:19,903
I CAN'T PICTURE MYSELF
FUCKING HER,
257
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:22,570
GOING,
"YOU LIKE THIS DICK...
258
00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:24,667
GLADYS?"
259
00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:34,397
I'M SICK OF HIP-HOP.
I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT, MAN.
260
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,330
FUCK THAT SHIT.
THAT SHIT IS FUCKED UP NOW.
261
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:39,103
ALL MY JEANS I BUY
FROM NOW ON
262
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:43,070
ARE GONNA BE SIZE 30S.
FUCK THAT.
263
00:14:46,066 --> 00:14:49,666
I'M GONNA GO
GET ME A WHITE GIRL. I'M SELLING OUT. FUCK IT.
264
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:54,933
WHITE GIRLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS
IN TIGHT JEANS.
265
00:14:54,934 --> 00:14:57,274
ALL THEY WANNA SEE
IS YOUR COCKPRINT.
266
00:14:57,266 --> 00:14:58,796
GO UP TO A WHITE GIRL
267
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,330
WITH SOME TIGHT-ASS
30S ON LIKE THIS.
268
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,503
BE LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.
269
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:07,230
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE
THE GAS STATION IS?"
270
00:15:07,233 --> 00:15:09,903
SHE'LL BE LIKE,
"NICE COCKPRINT."
271
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,827
BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE,
MAN, I SAW THEM IN THE NEWS THE OTHER DAY.
272
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:22,874
DO YOU KNOW THESE
MOTHERFUCKERS GOT A BLACK LITTLE GIRL BABY?
273
00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:27,167
I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.
MNH-MNH, NO.
274
00:15:27,166 --> 00:15:29,266
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW
TO DO HER HAIR.
275
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:34,434
THEY HAD THAT LITTLE GIRL
IN A CHOIR,
276
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:36,233
HER HEAD NAPPIER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
277
00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:38,433
AND THEY ENDED UP PUTTING
MOUSSE IN HER SHIT,
278
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:40,403
MAKING IT EVEN HARDER.
279
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,070
GOT THAT LITTLE BABY HAIR
LOOKING LIKE 9-11 SMOKE.
280
00:15:57,033 --> 00:15:59,273
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
281
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,197
ANY MAN HERE IN TOUCH
WITH THEMSELVES,
282
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,800
ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
283
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,470
AIN'T NO MAN HERE
IN TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES?
284
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,667
ME AND HIM ARE THE ONLY
NIGGAS THAT JACK OFF IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER, HUH?
285
00:16:11,633 --> 00:16:14,103
LYING MOTHERFUCKERS.
286
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,030
ALL MEN JACK OFF.
Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT THE 1-2-3 RED LIGHT?
287
00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:19,633
Y'ALL KNOW
ABOUT THAT SHIT?
288
00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:22,003
NIGGAS LIKE,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
289
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:26,867
ALL MEN MASTURBATE.
A LOT OF WOMEN BE LIKE, "NOT MY MAN."
290
00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:28,567
YEAH, YOUR MAN, TOO.
291
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:31,127
IT AIN'T GOT NOTHING
TO DO WITH HOW FINE YOUR PUSSY IS.
292
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:33,633
IT DEALS
WITH CONVENIENCY.
293
00:16:33,633 --> 00:16:35,773
YOU'RE NOT
ALWAYS AROUND.
294
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:39,067
AND TO BE HONEST,
I'M THE MOST HORNIEST WHEN I'M BY MYSELF.
295
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,066
I GET ON THE ELEVATOR
AND CLOSE THE DOOR
296
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,566
AND BE STANDING THERE
LIKE...
297
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:50,500
"I OUGHTA PULL MY DICK OUT
RIGHT NOW AND JUST WORK THIS SHIT ON OUT HERE."
298
00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:56,633
I LIKE TO MASTURBATE
TO AEROBICS ON TV.
299
00:16:56,633 --> 00:16:59,003
I DON'T LIKE WATCHING IT.
I JUST LIKE TO LISTEN TO IT.
300
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,170
LIKE THE LITTLE KOREAN LADY
ON ESPN.
301
00:17:01,166 --> 00:17:03,266
I THROW A BLANKET
OVER THE TV AND TURN IT UP REAL LOUD.
302
00:17:03,266 --> 00:17:05,996
SHE BE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, WE GONNA DO SOME STRETCHES RIGHT NOW.
303
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,900
YOU FEELING GOOD BACK THERE?
WHAT ABOUT AT HOME?
304
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,830
ALL RIGHT!
305
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,374
YOU GUYS READY?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
306
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:15,967
STRETCH AND PULL.
COME ON NOW, STRETCH AND PULL."
307
00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:18,697
I'M LIKE,
"STRETCH AND PULL.
308
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:20,900
STRETCH AND PULL."
309
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,370
( mimics Korean accent )
"WE'RE GONNA BREAK IT DOWN NOW. TWO MORE.
310
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:26,197
ONE MORE.
NOW SHAKE IT ON OFF."
311
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:30,100
I'M LIKE...
( moans )
312
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,200
"HOW YOU FEELING AT HOME?"
( snores )
313
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,570
USUALLY A COMEDIAN
AT THE END OF HIS JOKE,
314
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,127
HE LEAVE ON A REAL
BIG JOKE AT THE END, WHERE HE BE LIKE...
315
00:17:44,133 --> 00:17:47,403
"( mumbles )
AND GOOD NIGHT!"
316
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,670
AND HE LEAVES, AND EVERYBODY
BE LIKE, "AAAAH!"
317
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,730
I'M JUST GONNA GO.
318
00:17:55,266 --> 00:17:57,096
SO I THANK YOU ALL
VERY MUCH.
319
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,270
GOOD NIGHT, DEF JAM.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
320
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:10,533
Epps:
GIVE IT UP FOR KENNY HOWELL!
321
00:18:13,066 --> 00:18:15,096
YEAH!
CUT IT OFF, KID. CUT IT OFF.
322
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,100
WHAT UP, Y'ALL?
DEF JAM IN THE HOUSE.
323
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,630
( crowd cheering )
324
00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:22,803
YEAH! GOTTA GIVE
MAD SHOUTS OUT TO MY BOY KID CAPRI.
325
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:29,397
WHILE YOU'RE CLAPPING,
GIVE ME SOME, GOD DAMN IT. I JUST GOT MARRIED.
326
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,830
FUCK ALL THAT CLAPPING.
327
00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:35,574
STOP, GOD DAMN IT.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY I GOT MARRIED?
328
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:38,567
MARRIAGE IS A MOTHERFUCKER.
HOW MANY OF Y'ALL ARE MARRIED?
329
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:40,927
SEE, ALL RIGHT,
SEE.
330
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:43,504
MOSTLY WOMEN
MEN, WE DON'T TOO MUCH CARE
331
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,130
FOR THAT MARRIAGE.
332
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,773
WE WOULD WAIT FOREVER
TO MARRY YOUR ASS.
333
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:50,197
WE ONLY MARRY YOUR ASS
'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME.
334
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,900
THAT'S IT.
335
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:54,270
WE'RE LIKE,
"WELL, SHIT. SHE'S 68. BEFORE SHE HITS 69,
336
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,266
I'M GONNA GO ON
AND MARRY HER."
337
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:59,066
WOMEN WANNA MARRY YOUR ASS
'CAUSE THEY DONE PUT UP WITH ALL YOUR SHIT.
338
00:18:59,066 --> 00:19:01,296
"THIS MOTHERFUCKER
BETTER MARRY ME. I WAS THERE FOR HIM.
339
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,970
I DONE STOOD BY
THIS MOTHERFUCKER. HE GONNA GET ME A RING.
340
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:06,227
FUCK THAT.
I WAS THERE WHEN HE WENT TO JAIL,
341
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:09,633
BEAT MY MAMA UP, THREW
MY GRANDMA OFF THAT PORCH AND HAD MY DADDY SHOT."
342
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:12,133
NIGGA AIN'T SHIT.
343
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,103
BUT MARRIAGE IS COOL.
IT'S COOL.
344
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,870
'CAUSE I LOVE MY MARRIAGE,
MY WIFE, GOD DAMN IT.
345
00:19:16,867 --> 00:19:18,367
BUT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,
IT'S DEEP.
346
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:19,967
SEE, BECAUSE SHE DON'T
LIVE WITH YOU AT FIRST.
347
00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:22,267
SO WHEN SHE
DON'T LIVE WITH YOU, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
348
00:19:22,266 --> 00:19:24,066
YOU CAN GET AWAY
WITH SHIT.
349
00:19:24,066 --> 00:19:26,026
WHEN SHE MOVE IN,
SHIT CHANGE.
350
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:28,603
SHIT MAKE HER
LOOK DIFFERENT TO YOU.
351
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,300
YOU GO IN THE BATHROOM.
SHE DONE TOOK THAT FIRST SHIT,
352
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,800
SHE DON'T LOOK THE SAME
TO YOU NO MORE.
353
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,170
LIKE, GODDAMN,
I DIDN'T KNOW A WOMAN COULD SMELL LIKE THAT. SHIT!
354
00:19:37,166 --> 00:19:40,066
DIDN'T WE EAT
THE SAME THING?
355
00:19:40,066 --> 00:19:43,866
YOUR SHIT SMELLS
LIKE MY FATHER, AND I KNOW HE HAVE GORILLA SHIT.
356
00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:46,127
SHE MAKING EXCUSES.
THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD.
357
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:48,473
THAT CAME OUT YOUR ASS,
NOT YOUR PUSSY.
358
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,230
SEE, THAT'S WHY WOMEN
DON'T LIKE POOTING AROUND YOU.
359
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,803
THEY DON'T POOT.
FOR REAL.
360
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,300
NO, THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
DON'T FART.
361
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,630
THEY HIDE IT AND LIE
AND SHIT, ALL THAT.
362
00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:00,303
'CAUSE THAT SMELL AIN'T
BECOMING OF A BEAUTIFUL FACE.
363
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:03,070
THAT SMELL JUST FUCKS
THEIR LOOKS UP.
364
00:20:03,066 --> 00:20:04,996
SO THEY'LL LIE
WHEN THEY POOT.
365
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,130
BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT YOU DENYING YOU DONE POOTED.
366
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:10,103
BUT JUST ADMIT SOMETHING
SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN THIS ROOM.
367
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,030
DON'T HAVE ME
LOOKING AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
368
00:20:13,033 --> 00:20:15,273
'CAUSE YOU COULD BE
IN A ROOM WATCHING TV AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
369
00:20:15,266 --> 00:20:18,096
THE WHOLE SMELL CHANGE.
370
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,570
YOU BE IN A STATE OF SHOCK.
371
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:21,727
YOU'RE LIKE "GODDAMN!
YOU DON'T SMELL THIS?"
372
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:25,234
SHE GOES, "SMELL WHAT?
SMELL WHAT?"
373
00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:26,703
YOU LOOKING
UNDER HER SHOES.
374
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,100
DID YOU STEP
ON SOME DOG SHIT ON THE WAY IN THE HOUSE?
375
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,130
THEY'RE MOTHERFUCKERS.
THEY WANT YOU TO TINGLE THEM AND SHIT.
376
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:36,603
WE DON'T LIKE ALL THAT.
LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND SHIT,
377
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,600
WOMEN BE WANTING
TO BREAK A MAN DOWN.
378
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,700
WANT TO SEE YOU
ALL TENDER AND SHIT.
379
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:43,200
WE DON'T LIKE
THAT SHIT.
380
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,700
THEY BE SUCKING
ON YOUR TITTIES AND SHIT.
381
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,430
I DON'T--
DON'T DO THAT TO ME.
382
00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:49,533
TELL THEM, FELLAS.
DON'T BE SUCKING ON MY TITTIES.
383
00:20:49,533 --> 00:20:52,373
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THE FUCK TO FEEL.
384
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:55,767
I'M TRYING TO FEEL
LIKE A MAN. YOU GOT ME TINGLING AND SHIT.
385
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:59,033
I'M ABOUT READY
TO HAUL OFF AND BUST YOU IN THE SIDE
386
00:20:59,033 --> 00:21:01,233
OF YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING HEAD.
387
00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:03,233
FUCK I LOOK LIKE?
BIG-ASS MAN,
388
00:21:03,233 --> 00:21:05,903
MY LITTLE
BITTY NIPPLE HARD.
389
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,430
MIGHT AS WELL GO AND STICK
YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS NOW. I'M FEELING LIKE A FAG.
390
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:11,773
SUCKING ON MY TITTY.
391
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:14,767
THAT'S THE SHIT I DO TO YOU
TO GET SOME PUSSY. YOU CAN'T GET NO PUSSY FROM ME.
392
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,930
NOW WOMEN, THEY CAN
BUST A NUT AND KEEP GOING.
393
00:21:18,934 --> 00:21:22,204
YEAH, WE CAN'T DO
THAT SHIT. WE ONLY GOT ONE TIME AROUND.
394
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,600
WOMEN WILL BUST A NUT
AND WON'T EVEN TELL YOU. I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.
395
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,800
'CAUSE THEY BE WORKING
ON NUMBER TWO, YOU STRUGGLING TO GET A FIRST ONE OFF.
396
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,570
YOU IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE,
"GODDAMN, THIS BITCH AIN'T GONNA NEVER COME.
397
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:33,197
I GOTTA WORK
IN THE MORNING. MY BACK HURTS.
398
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,170
WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH HER?"
399
00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:38,196
SHE DONE SNUCK ONE
ON YOUR DUMB ASS.
400
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,300
YOU KNOW WHEN THEY GO
IN THAT SHOCK, THEY DONE BUST...
401
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,970
"OH, SHIT!"
402
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,500
WE CAN'T DO THAT SHIT.
Y'ALL KNOW IF WE DONE CAME.
403
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:51,830
IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY
DONE TOOK THEM THINGS AND HIT US WITH THAT "CLEAR!"
404
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,200
BUT Y'ALL MIGHT BE
ABLE TO SNEAK A NUT,
405
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,030
BUT GOD MADE OUR NUT
FEEL BETTER THAN YOURS, GOD DAMN IT.
406
00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:59,803
TELL THEM, FELLAS.
WHEN WE BUST A NUT,
407
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,800
IF YOU'RE NOT COMING
WITH US, WE WILL CHOKE THE SHIT OUT OF...
408
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,530
WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT'S COMING OUT YOUR MOUTH.
409
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:08,533
WE WILL LOCK YOUR HEAD.
410
00:22:08,533 --> 00:22:11,403
AND Y'ALL KNOW WHEN
Y'ALL ABOUT TO GET CHOKED.
411
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,630
THEY DO 'CAUSE OUR LAST
SEVEN STROKES ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.
412
00:22:14,633 --> 00:22:16,473
STRAIGHT AHEAD.
413
00:22:16,467 --> 00:22:19,167
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
IF YOU'VE BEEN MANEUVERING AROUND, BOY.
414
00:22:19,166 --> 00:22:21,866
WHEN WE FEEL THAT
NUT COMING, WE WANT EACH STROKE
415
00:22:21,867 --> 00:22:23,867
TO FEEL LIKE
THAT LAST ONE.
416
00:22:23,867 --> 00:22:25,967
( grunting )
417
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,170
AND THAT TINGLE
IN YOUR DICK GETS STRONGER AND STRONGER.
418
00:22:34,767 --> 00:22:36,997
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT MY HEAD
OFF THE HEADBOARD!"
419
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,670
FUCK THAT!
"I CAN'T BREATHE!" BITCH, I CAN BREATHE!
420
00:22:40,667 --> 00:22:43,467
"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG!"
THIS YOUR LEG. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
421
00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:46,427
HEY, Y'ALL,
KENNY HOWELL, Y'ALL.
422
00:22:55,033 --> 00:22:58,373
Epps:
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN TALENT!
423
00:23:02,266 --> 00:23:05,026
HOW YOU ALL DOING?
424
00:23:05,033 --> 00:23:08,073
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
DON'T TAKE NONE OF THIS SHIT PERSONAL.
425
00:23:08,066 --> 00:23:10,096
IT'S JUST COMEDY.
426
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:13,000
ALL THE LADIES
IN THE HOUSE, SAY "OW!"
427
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,600
Women:
OW!
428
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,470
I JUST LIKE THE WAY
THAT SHIT SOUNDS.
429
00:23:17,467 --> 00:23:19,427
IF I HAD THAT SHIT
AT THE CRIB--
430
00:23:19,433 --> 00:23:22,073
( imitates female voice )
"OW! OW!"
431
00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:25,296
- FELLAS, SAY, "OH!"
- Men: OH!
432
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:28,030
SEE THAT BULLSHIT
THEY GAVE US?
433
00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:30,333
THEY GOT SEXY SHIT.
"OW!"
434
00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:33,003
WE GO, "OH!"
435
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,300
OUR SHIT SOUNDS, "OH!"
436
00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:38,970
WE BORDERLINE RETARDED.
"OHHH!"
437
00:23:38,967 --> 00:23:42,397
LIKE WE FOLLOWING.
"OHHH!"
438
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,400
WE'RE ALMOST CHEWBACCA
FROM "STAR WARS."
439
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,330
( gurgles )
OH!
440
00:23:47,333 --> 00:23:49,273
WE WANT SOME
SEXY SHIT, TOO.
441
00:23:49,266 --> 00:23:51,496
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
DOUBLE STANDARD ON SEXY.
442
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,900
WOMEN GOT ALL
THE SEXY SHIT, FELLAS.
443
00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:55,930
THEY GOT LINGERIE.
THEY WANNA GET SEXY,
444
00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:58,834
THEY GOT A BUNCH OF SHIT
THEY COULD THROW ON. THONGS, G-STRING,
445
00:23:58,834 --> 00:24:01,674
CROTCHLESS PANTIES,
TEDDIES,
446
00:24:01,667 --> 00:24:03,827
LACE, SEE-THROUGH SHIT.
447
00:24:03,834 --> 00:24:07,574
WE WANNA GET SEXY,
WHAT DO WE GOT? SPEEDOS, BRIEFS.
448
00:24:09,033 --> 00:24:11,903
FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARD.
WE WANT SOME SEXY SHIT RIGHT HERE.
449
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:14,330
WE WANT SOME LACE SHIT
RIGHT HERE,
450
00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:16,173
SOME SEE-THROUGH SHIT
451
00:24:16,166 --> 00:24:19,726
WITH LIKE ONE HOLE
WHERE ONE NUT COULD COULD DRIP THROUGH.
452
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,370
NIGGA COME IN THE ROOM.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
453
00:24:23,367 --> 00:24:26,427
COME IN THE ROOM
WITH ONE NUT. "YEAH!
454
00:24:26,433 --> 00:24:28,603
YOU LIKE THAT NUT,
DON'T YOU?
455
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,670
YOU LIKE ME
SWING THAT NUT?
456
00:24:31,667 --> 00:24:34,367
WELL, SWING THAT NUT."
457
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,570
FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARD.
458
00:24:38,567 --> 00:24:40,527
THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN.
459
00:24:40,533 --> 00:24:42,333
I LOVE WOMEN,
BUT WOMEN MAKE YOU MAD, MAN,
460
00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:44,803
'CAUSE WOMEN PUT YOUR SHIT
ON THE WIRE TOO QUICK.
461
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,130
WOMEN ARE ON THE SEARCH
OF THE BIG DICK.
462
00:24:47,133 --> 00:24:49,673
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THEY'RE ON A SEARCH OF THE BIG DICK.
463
00:24:49,667 --> 00:24:51,297
IT'S FUCKED UP, LADIES.
YOU PUTTING PRESSURE
464
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,030
ON NIGGAS WHO AIN'T
GOT A BIG DICK.
465
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:55,033
THAT'S ALL RIGHT
IF YOU GOT A BIG DICK. THEY DON'T CARE.
466
00:24:55,033 --> 00:24:56,973
"I DON'T NEED
TO HEAR THIS. I'M GOOD."
467
00:24:56,967 --> 00:24:59,097
BUT THE NIGGAS WHO DON'T,
YOU PUT PRESSURE ON THEM.
468
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:02,970
YOUR SHIT BE ON THE WIRE
BEFORE YOU MAKE IT TO YOUR CAR.
469
00:25:02,967 --> 00:25:05,827
YOU FUCK A GIRL TONIGHT,
YOUR SHIT WILL BE ON THE WIRE
470
00:25:05,834 --> 00:25:07,604
BEFORE YOU MAKE IT
TO YOUR CAR.
471
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,330
YOU BETTER HOPE
YOU GOT A BIG DICK.
472
00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:12,673
SOON AS YOU LEAVE
THE HOUSE, YOU GET... ( mimics ringtone )
473
00:25:12,667 --> 00:25:14,927
'CAUSE THE GIRLFRIEND
ALREADY KNOW THEY FUCK.
474
00:25:14,934 --> 00:25:16,774
( mimics ringtone )
"GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"
475
00:25:16,767 --> 00:25:19,397
THEY DON'T NEVER SAY
WHAT IT IS. THEY GOT CODES AND SHIT.
476
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,170
THEY TALK IN
FUCKING CODE.
477
00:25:21,166 --> 00:25:22,496
"GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"
478
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:25,400
IF YOUR DICK WAS LITTLE,
SHE BE LIKE... ( snickers )
479
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,500
"THIS NIGGA HERE...
480
00:25:32,867 --> 00:25:36,397
DISRESPECTFUL
MOTHERFUCKER."
481
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,200
YOU KNOW IF YOU GOT
A BIG DICK, THEY DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT THERE.
482
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:40,730
( mimics ringtone )
"GIRL, HOW WAS IT?"
483
00:25:40,734 --> 00:25:42,434
"I'M GONNA
CALL YOU TOMORROW.
484
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,970
THIS NIGGA
BLEW MY BACK OUT."
485
00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:53,600
THAT'S WHY I THINK
DICKS SHOULD COME WITH THEIR OWN SOUNDS.
486
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,870
IF A DICK CAME
WITH SOUND OR MUSIC,
487
00:25:55,867 --> 00:25:57,997
YOU WOULD KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GETTING INTO.
488
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,600
SOON AS THAT NIGGA
WHIP THAT DICK OUT, HE GOT HIS OWN SOUND.
489
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,300
YOU KNOW, BIG DICKS
WOULD BE CRAZY... ( growling )
490
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,470
"GO UPSTAIRS!"
491
00:26:09,467 --> 00:26:12,427
"WHAT IS THAT?"
"I'M COMING UP, BITCH."
492
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,600
YOU KNOW, LITTLE DICKS...
( whistling )
493
00:26:23,133 --> 00:26:25,133
SHE BE LIKE,
494
00:26:25,133 --> 00:26:28,303
"DID SOMEBODY LEAVE
A WINDOW OPEN?"
495
00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:31,430
"DON'T DISRESPECT ME, BITCH.
I'M COMING UP."
496
00:26:36,633 --> 00:26:38,473
YOU NEED THAT SHIT.
497
00:26:38,467 --> 00:26:40,767
'CAUSE TO ME,
COMPATIBILITY IS EVERYTHING.
498
00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:43,667
IF YOU COMPATIBLE,
SEE, PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ALL THE WRONG SHIT.
499
00:26:43,667 --> 00:26:47,067
LOVE, FINANCES.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT NOBODY SAY.
500
00:26:47,066 --> 00:26:49,496
IF Y'ALL CAN'T FUCK
TOGETHER, AND BE ON THAT BLISS
501
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:52,500
WHEN YOU FUCKING,
THAT RELATIONSHIP AIN'T GONNA LAST.
502
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:55,000
YOU GOT TO BE
ON THE SAME FUCKING LEVEL.
503
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,700
YOUR COMPATIBILITY
GOTTA BE IN ORDER.
504
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:01,030
JUST 'CAUSE YOU A FREAK
AND SHE A FREAK DON'T MEAN GOOD COUPLE.
505
00:27:01,033 --> 00:27:03,403
YOU MIGHT
GET IT TWISTED.
506
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:07,070
THERE'S DIFFERENT LEVELS
OF FREAK-TIVITY.
507
00:27:07,066 --> 00:27:09,266
YOU GOT TO KNOW
YOUR FUCKING LEVEL. YOU FEEL ME?
508
00:27:09,266 --> 00:27:12,066
YOU MIGHT GET IT TWISTED.
BROTHER ROLL UP ON YOU TONIGHT.
509
00:27:12,066 --> 00:27:14,066
AT A BAR,
"HEY, WHAT'S UP, YO?
510
00:27:14,066 --> 00:27:16,166
YOU EVER FUCK
ON A ROOF?"
511
00:27:16,166 --> 00:27:18,126
YOU'D BE LIKE, "NO,
512
00:27:18,133 --> 00:27:20,673
BUT THAT SOUNDS
INTERESTING."
513
00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,867
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU
DON'T KNOW HE WANNA HANG YOU OVER THE EDGE
514
00:27:22,867 --> 00:27:25,267
OF THE SHIT.
515
00:27:25,266 --> 00:27:27,266
BE ALL GOOD
TILL YOU DIP THAT ASS.
516
00:27:27,266 --> 00:27:29,366
"YOU LIKE THAT?"
( imitates woman's scream )
517
00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:32,867
"SHUT UP.
I GOT YOU.
518
00:27:32,867 --> 00:27:34,997
YOU A SUCKER.
I GOT YOU."
519
00:27:38,066 --> 00:27:40,196
I'M OUTTA HERE, Y'ALL.
PEACE!
520
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,900
AND THE MAN
WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE--
521
00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:54,130
RUSSELL SIMMONS.
522
00:27:57,834 --> 00:28:00,434
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
523
00:28:00,433 --> 00:28:02,933
( theme music playing )
524
00:28:02,983 --> 00:28:07,533
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