Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM.

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- JOE CLAIR,

JASPER REDD,

RED GRANT,

AND MARK CURRY.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST,

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BADDEST DJ IN THE LAND-- KID CAPRI!

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD AS HELL

OUT HERE TONIGHT, SHIT!

WHO-- WHERE Y'ALL KIDS AT?

WHO'S TAKIN' CARE OF THE KIDS WHILE Y'ALL UP HERE?

KNOW Y'ALL DROPPED 'EM

LITTLE BAD MOTHERFUCKERS OFF SOMEWHERE.

STAY ON THEIR ASS. THAT'S RIGHT, STAY ON THEM MOTHERFUCKING KIDS' ASS

'CAUSE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTION'LL CORRECT 'EM IF YOU DON'T CORRECT 'EM.

THAT'S RIGHT, BEAT THEM KIDS' ASS.

AND GO TO THEIR SCHOOL AND-- YEAH, THE SCHOOL AIN'T SHIT NO MORE.

THE TEACHERS IS FUCKIN' THE KIDS.

I'M MAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T FUCK 'EM WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

THERE WAS A COUPLE TEACHERS

I WOULDA HAD LIKED TO HAD FUCKED!

"STAY AFTER SCHOOL!"

"NO PROBLEM, BITCH, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE."

NIGGA BE IN THE BACK, BITIN' THE CONDOM--

THAT'S RIGHT, WHUP THEM MOTHERFUCKIN' KIDS.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHITE KIDS,

THEY DON'T GET ENOUGH BEAT-DOWNS.

AND THAT'S WHY WHITE KIDS'LL KILL THEIR PARENTS.

"GET READY FOR SCHOOL, TIMMY."

"SHUT UP, MOM, YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH LATER."

"TIMMY, NO!" "YES, MOM!"

YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF NO NIGGA KILLIN' HIS MAMA, HAVE YOU?

'CAUSE IT'LL SHOOT-OUT IN THAT MO--

( mimics gunshots )

"I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK. THIS NIGGA BUSTIN' AT ME!"

( mimics gunshots )

COUCH FEATHERS AND SHIT

FLYIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE,

"I JUST SHOT MY GRANDSON. LEMME CALL YOU BACK."

Y'ALL READY FOR SOME REAL COMEDY?

Y'ALL PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' HANDS TOGETHER!

COMING TO THE STAGE,

I'M TELLING Y'ALL, Y'ALL GONNA REALLY ENJOY THIS MAN.

Y'ALL DONE SEEN HIM ALL OVER THE PLACE,

HE USED TO BE ON "RAP CITY."

PUT YOU HANDS TOGETHER, STRAIGHT OUTTA D.C.,

FOR MY MAN, JOE CLAIR, Y'ALL.

'SUP?

WHASSUP?

WHASSUP, Y'ALL? HOW YA FEELIN'?

GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.

I WAS IN THE SHOWER TAKIN' A PISS, RIGHT,

COME ON, NIGGAS, BE REAL, FUCK THAT.

EVERY NIGGA YOU KNOW PISS IN THE SHOWER.

LADIES, NIGGAS-- THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

WE GOT MAN LOGIC.

AND MAN LOGIC DICTATES, THESE THE SAME MOTHERFUCKIN' PIPES.

MAN, FUCK THAT!

FOR REAL, 7:30 IN THE MORNING, IT'S COLD IN HERE,

IT'S COLD OUT THERE, IT'S WARM IN HERE, WHAT YOU DO?

( mutters ) MAN, FUCK THIS SHIT.

SO I WAS IN THE SHOWER TAKING A PISS,

AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA TALK TO Y'ALL ABOUT.

SO I FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IS--

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING MY SPIRITUALITY STRAIGHT,

I'M GETTING OLDER NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME NOW TO GET TO THAT.

IF YOU GOIN' THROUGH TIMES OF MY AGE,

DO THAT, MAN. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING CHURCH NOW,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

FUCK Y'ALL, NIGGA, I'M WATCHING!

I AIN'T AS FAR ALONG IN MY WALK AS SOME OF Y'ALL. FUCK THAT!

I'M WATCHING CHURCH COME ON AT HOME, NIGGA,

THAT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO START!

AT HOME. SO YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING CHURCH, BUT I GOT A QUESTION THOUGH--

WHAT'S UP WITH THE LIKE, THE MUSIC MINISTRY IN THE CHURCH?

I BE WATCHING, "WHAT'S GOING ON, IT'S A LITTLE--

( chuckles )

I'M SERIOUS DO ANYBODY-- I AIN'T SAYING NOTHING,

BUT DO ANYBODY KNOW BOBBY JONES,

ON "THE BOBBY JONES GOSPEL HOUR"?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AIN'T KNOW BOBBY JONES.

SO I LEFT THE TV ON ONE NIGHT, AND WENT OUT SINNING, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, I WENT OUT DRINKING AND SHIT.

SO-- FOR REAL, NIGGA! I WAS GONNA WATCH CHURCH IN THE MORNING.

SO, YOU KNOW, I LEFT IT ON AND OVERSLEPT.

AND I WAS DREAMING ALL A SUDDEN,

IN MY DREAM, MOTHERFUCKIN' BOBBY JONES CAME ON,

ALL THE FUCK I HEARD WAS,

"YES, YES!

GOOD MORNIN' BELOVED!

YES, YES!"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE HELL?

LITTLE RICHARD GOT A MORNING SHOW?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

"MMM-HMM! THIS IS THE BOBBY JONES

GOSPEL HOUR, UH-HUH!

AND I AM-- OH GEE, BOBBY JONES.

WE GOT SOME BOYS THAT'S GONNA COME OUT AND SING A SONG."

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

AND SEE THE GAY THING IS A BIG ISSUE IN AMERICA.

SEE, I GOT A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT SHIT.

'CAUSE I'M THE GAY DUDE'S BROTHER.

Y'ALL ACT LIKE Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

Y'ALL KNOW HOW EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD GOT A GAY DUDE?

AND HE GOT A BROTHER?

NIGGA, THAT'S ME!

Y'ALL CRUEL AS SHIT TO THE GAY DUDE'S BROTHER.

Y'ALL SOME EVIL MOTHERFUCKERS, MAN!

I'M SERIOUS, MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

YOU KNOW, YOU-- I SEE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY.

SEE, LIKE AIN'T NOBODY HERE THAT KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO HAVE TO GO TO THE GAY PRIDE PARADE WHEN YOU 11,

'CAUSE YOUR MOTHER AIN'T GOT NO BABYSITTER MONEY.

MY BROTHER HAD TO WATCH ME THAT DAY.

SO NIGGA, I HAD TO GO DOWN THE GAY PRIDE PARADE, I WAS 11 YEARS OLD, NIGGA,

AND THEN HIM AND HIS FRIENDS DRESSED ME UP,

I HAD ON SOMEBODY'S MOTHERFUCKIN'

"MORK AND MINDY" SUSPENDERS AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW THE MORK FROM ORK JONES, NIGGA, I HAD ON SOME SUSPENDERS.

I'M DOWN AT THE GAY PRIDE PARADE AND SHIT,

I GOT FACE PAINT AND SHIT ON,

COTTON CANDY AND SHIT,

BUT TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I HAD A GOOD TIME, I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

I HAD A GOOD TIME, NIGGA. I WAS 11, NIGGA, I WAS 11.

I WAS 11, NIGGA, THEY HAD COTTON CANDY

AND FACE PAINT, FUCK THAT.

THERE WASN'T NO FIGHTS, ALL THAT SHIT.

BUT I--

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WAS DOWN THERE TAKING PICTURES.

HEY, MAN, THEY DOWN THERE TAKING PICTURES.

AND THE NEXT DAY, I'M ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE WASHINGTON POST

AND THE CAPTION READS,

"WASHINGTON D.C.'S GAY POPULATION

GETS YOUNGER AND YOUNGER."

AND I'M STANDING THERE LOOKING GOOFY AS A MOTHERFUCKER

WITH THEM "MORK AND MINDY" SUSPENDERS ON AND SHIT,

WITH THE FACE PAINT--

AND MY BROTHER AND THEM STANDING BEHIND ME POSING.

"DO THE SUPREMES!

NO, DO THE EMOTIONS."

THAT'S MY BROTHER THOUGH, FUCK THAT.

I STAND BY MY BROTHER, BUT I DO GOTTA ADMIT

I DO GOT ONE HOMOPHOBIA--

AMERICA DON'T LIKE TO ADMIT IT GOT NO HO-- I GOT ONE.

I DON'T LIKE NO GAY DUDE

GIVING ME NOTHING CREAMY.

DON'T NO GAY DUDE BETTER NEVER HAND ME NOTHING CREAMY,

I'D FUCKING RATHER LOSE IT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU WALK IN STARBUCKS,

YOU KNOW THE DUDE, HE OBVIOUSLY GAY,

HE GOT THE PINK THING ON AND THE SUSPENDERS,

HE GOT THE SUSPENDERS, NIGGA, YOU WALK UP, AND HE'S LIKE,

"WELCOME TO STARBUCKS! WOULD YOU--

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A PUMPKIN SCONE,

OR A SPICED CHAI LATTE?"

"IS IT CREAMY?

NIGGA, IS IT CREAMY?"

"WHAT, THE LATTE? OH YES, IT'S MADE WITH VITAMIN D WHOLE MILK,

AND IT'S GOT WHIPPED CREAM

AND EXTRA FROTH, AND CREAM,

AND YOU CAN GET MORE CREAM IN IT, AND SOME MORE CREAM."

"FUCK NO!

FUCK NO, I DON'T WANT ONE! GIMME BLACK COFFEE, NIGGA!

REGULAR BLACK COFFEE!

AND LEAVE THE TOP OFF MY SHIT

SO I CAN SEE IT. THERE BETTER NOT EVEN BE NO BUBBLES ON MY SHIT.

UH, CHAD!

THERE BETTER NOT BE NO BUBBLES ON MY SHIT, CHAD!

RING MY SHIT UP, NIGGA."

SIX WEEKS LATER,

NIGGA, I GO TO QUIZNO'S,

CHAD WORK PART-TIME AT QUIZNO'S.

"WELCOME TO QUIZNO'S. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY

A BACON BARBEQUE CHIPOTLE CHITLIN SUB?

IT'S TOASTED. MMM-MM-MM MM-MMM!

"IS IT CREAMY?"

"YES, IT'S GOT A SPICY HABANERO MAYONNAISE SPREAD

AND IT'S GOT CREAMY CHEESE--"

"FUCK NO! FUCK NO, NIGGA, GIVE ME TURKEY,

REGULAR TURKEY, IN MY HAND,

DON'T EVEN PUT MY SHIT THROUGH THE OVEN, NIGGA,

FUCK THAT!

I DON'T EVEN WANT NO BREAD.

Y'ALL AROUND HERE GOT CREAMY BREAD. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

HEY, MY NAME IS JOE CLAIR, PEACE. HOLLA AT Y'ALL.

JOE CLAIR, Y'ALL.

COMING TO THE STAGE STRAIGHT OUTTA KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE,

HE'S MAKING HIS DEBUT ON "DEF COMEDY JAM,"

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JASPER REDD!

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, MAN.

KEEP IT GOING FOR YOUR HOST AND OUR COMEDY CONDUCTOR, MR. MIKE EPPS.

AND KEEP IT GOING FOR DJ KID CAPRI.

AND GIVE IT UP FOR YOURSELVES

FOR COMING OUT TO THE RETURN OF "DEF JAM." WE APPRECIATE IT, MAN!

Y'ALL BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL.

I LOVE THAT, MAN.

ONLY AT A SHOW--

ONLY AT A SHOW CAN I JUST TELL A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW

TO CLAP AND Y'ALL DO IT.

THAT'S A POWER TRIP.

NOW IF I WORKED AT McDONALDS OR SOMEWHERE,

I COULDN'T HAVE THAT SAME SWAGGER.

I CAN'T BE BEHIND THE REGISTER

ACTING A FOOL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"OH, YEAH, HOLD ON, SIR,

HOLD ON ONE.

NOW BEFORE I TAKE YOUR ORDER, MA'AM,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMEBOY JAMES

OVER HERE ON DRIVE-THROUGH?

BIG GREASY JAMES, MAN!

TAKíN' 'EM ORDERS OUT ELOQUENTLY.

AND NOW WHILE YOU AT IT, KEEP IT GOING

FOR THE ASSISTANT MANAGER, DOUGLAS,

WHO GOT SHOT DURING A ROBBERY LAST NIGHT,

BUT HE STILL CAME IN TO WORK TODAY. GIVE IT UP FOR DOUG NOW!

SOMEBODY LOVIN' IT.

NOW...

ME AND MY COUSIN LIONEL,

WE WAS TALKING THE OTHER DAY,

TALKING ABOUT FINANCES.

MONEY.

AND HE'S LIKE, "JASPER, LEMME ASK YOU THIS."

"LIONEL LIKE, WHASSUP, MAN?" HE'S LIKE,

"IF YOU WON $10 MILLION,

WOULD YOU CONTINUE

TO PERFORM STAND-UP AFTERWARDS?"

AND I SAID, "NEGATIVE."

AND HE WAS SURPRISED BY MY ANSWER.

HE WAS LIKE, "HOW COME, JASPER?" I SAID, "BECAUSE, LIONEL,

IT'S GONNA BE HARD FOR ME TO TELL A JOKE

AFTER I BUY A SPACE SHIP AND A CASTLE.

I'M GONNA BE OCCUPIED, MAN.

AND EVEN IF I DID CONTINUE TO TELL JOKES AFTER THAT,

MY SHIT WOULD BE UNRELATABLE.

THE POINT IS, THEY SAY

WHEN YOU RUN INTO A LOT OF MONEY,

THAT WILL REVEAL THE PERSON YOU TRULY ARE INSIDE.

THE SAY THAT IT BRING IT RIGHT ON OUT.

AND I THINK IT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE A WHILE BACK, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL READ UP ON THIS,

A CAT IN KENTUCKY

WON $50 MILLION IN THE LOTTERY.

AND AFTER HE WON HIS 50 MILLION,

HE KEPT HIS JOB AS A MAILMAN.

MMM.

SO 50 MILLION REVEALED

THAT THIS DUDE'S RETARDED.

YEAH, MAN, THAT'S 50 MILLION.

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, MAN?

IF I WIN 50 MILLION AS A MAILMAN,

THE ONLY THING I'M DELIVERING IS A "FUCK YOU."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE I CALL IN SICK WHEN I FIND A DOLLAR,

LET ALONE 50 MILLION.

MONEY. I NEED SOME MONEY, MAN.

I'M 27 YEARS OLD.

I'M TIRED OF LIVING WITHOUT THINGS LIKE HEALTH CARE.

ANYBODY ELSE LIVING DANGEROUSLY IN THE AUDIENCE, MAN?

IT'S CRAZY. WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTHCARE, MAN,

YOU GOTTA GO UNDEFEATED.

KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NO ILLNESSES, NO INJURIES,

YOU GOTTA BE HEFTY, MAN.

IT'S LIKE I'M "SUPER MARIO"

WITH ONE MAN LEFT.

IN NEED OF A 1-UP, YOU KNOW?"

AND YOU CAN'T DO SHIT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTH CARE, MAN,

LIKE WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF.

NOW YOU CAN'T CALL 911 FOR A AMBULANCE.

THAT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTH COVERAGE,

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU A G.

SO WHEN I'M HANGING OUT WITH MY BOYS AND WHATNOT,

I'LL BE LIKE, "LOOK, Y'ALL, LISTEN UP.

MMM! NOW LOOK, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS,

TO MYSELF TONIGHT WHILE WE KICKIN' IT,

DON'T NEITHER ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CALL 911, YOU UNDERSTAND?"

I AIN'T GOT THAT TYPE OF MONEY YET.

INSTEAD, YOU CALL... ( garbled speech )

THAT'S MY MAMA.

HEY, I BE JASPER REDD. THANK Y'ALL VERY MUCH.

Epps: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY MAN RED GRANT.

YOU BETTER HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKER.

SHIT, SOME OF Y'ALL UP IN HERE LOOKING CRAZY AS SHIT.

SHIT, I ALMOST AIN'T MAKE IT HERE.

I HAD GAS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU EVER HAD GAS IN A FUCKED-UP PLACE?

I HAD GAS ON THE PLANE.

AND I THOUGHT I COULD LET THE GAS GO

'CAUSE OF THEM CUSHIONY SEATS.

YOU FART IN THAT SEAT,

THE SEAT MIGHT CATCH THE FART.

BUT I MUST HAVE FUCKED AROUND

AND SCOOTED DOWN TOO FAR...

AND THE GAS GOT OUT.

I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE SOME FUCKED-UP GAS WHEN IT PASSED ME.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU SMELL YOUR OWN SHIT, YOU BE LIKE, "NH NH NH!

NN!

THIS GONNA FUCK THEM UP."

AND AS THE GAS LINGERED BACK

INTO THE CONGREGATION OF THE PLANE,

WHITE PEOPLE WAS ON THE PLANE RINGING THEM BELLS AND SHIT.

"STEWARDESS, WE NEED OXYGEN."

I'M UP THERE ACTING LIKE I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

( giggles )

I WAS LIKE, "STEWARDESS, YOU GOT SOME MORE PEANUTS?"

THEIR LIPS START GETTING DRY AND SHIT.

( giggles )

SOME OF Y'ALL OUT OF SHAPE AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

THAT'S WHY I TELL PEOPLE, DON'T GIVE 110%

WHEN YOU MAKING LOVE IF YOU OUT OF SHAPE.

GIVE 95.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU OUT OF SHAPE

UNTIL AFTER YOU FINISH AND SHIT START HAPPENING TO YOU.

LIKE, YOU EVER BE FINISHED MAKING LOVE,

YOU'RE GIVING YOUR THING, YOU BE LIKE,

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!"

AND YOU GET UP, YOU BE JUST WALKING TO THE BATHROOM,

JUST TO THE BATHROOM, AND YOUR KNEE BUCKLE OUT.

"SHIT!"

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"OH, THAT'S MY BAD KNEE. THAT'S MY FUCKED-UP--"

OR YOU FUCK AROUND, CATCH A CRAMP IN THE BACK OF YOUR LEG.

LADIES, WHEN Y'ALL CATCH A CRAMP

Y'ALL ASS WILL STOP ON THE CRAMP.

Y'ALL LET A BROTHER KNOW IMMEDIATELY

YOU GOT A CRAMP IN YOUR LEG.

SOON AS YOU CATCH THE CRAMP YOU BE LIKE, "OW!

"NIGGER, OW!

RED, PUT MY LEG DOWN, RED!

GET YOUR LEG OFF MY SHOULDER. I GOT A CRAMP!

A BROTHER DON'T GIVE A FUCK. HE'LL STROKE THROUGH A CRAMP.

A BROTHER BE LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL, YEAH.

YEAH-- THAT'S ALL TOES, THAT'S ALL TOES.

THAT'S ALL TOES RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S ALL TOES.

YEAH, YEAH.

SHIT!

AH, SHIT!

I DON'T KNOW, IT FEEL LIKE A CRAMP OR SOMETHING.

IT'S A CRAMP!

( groans )

OH, SHIT. GRAB MY FOOT GIRL, GRAB MY FOOT!

GET MY CALF, GET MY CALF.

YEAH, IT'S GONE NOW. IT'S GONE NOW."

( giggles )

AND SOME STUFF YOU'RE DOIN' OUT THERE, FELLAS, I'MA TELL YOU

IT'S EITHER A FOUL TIP OR IT'S FOUL.

SOME OF Y'ALL IS DOING GAY STUFF

AND DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GAY.

MM-HMM.

AND I'M HEARING THAT SOME OF Y'ALL FELLAS

IS LETTING WOMEN STICK THEY FINGER IN YOUR ASS.

AND YOU THINK THE SHIT IS CUTE.

THAT IS NOT A FOUL TIP. THAT IS ALL THE WAY FOUL.

'CAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO TEST YOU TO SEE

IF YOU GONNA LET 'EM STICK THEIR FINGER IN YOUR ASS.

AND SOME OF Y'ALL NIGGERS IS RIGHT HERE WITH IT, RIGHT HERE.

NIGGER, YOU IS A BUTTHOLE BANDIT.

I DON'T EVEN LET WOMEN LICK MY ASS...

...NO MORE.

I DON'T LET THAT SHIT HAPPEN--

THAT SHIT FELT GOOD AS A MOTHERFUCKER!

I WAS LIKE, "SHIT! I DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT!"

SHE WAS LICKING MY ASS, I WAS... ( groans )

I HAD TO HIT HER WITH A HOOK! "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

KNOCKED HER ASS OUT.

BUT I WILL LET 'EM LICK THE LITTLE AREA

BETWEEN THE BALLS AND THE ASS.

THIS LITTLE AREA RIGHT HERE.

THIS LITTLE AREA.

THAT SHIT WILL MAKE A DOG LIFT HIS OWN LEGS UP.

YOU BE IN THE ROOM, LIKE "SHIT!

WHAT THE FUCK?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!

HEY, I'M RED GRANT. I HOPE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD-ASS MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

WHOA!

WE GONNA KEEP IT ROLLING.

THIS NEXT MAN COMING TO THE STAGE,

HE'S NO STRANGER TO SHOW BUSINESS.

USED TO SEE HIM ON THE HOST "AT THE APOLLO."

HE HAD HIS OWN SHOW CALLED "HANGING WITH MR. COOPER."

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE BAY AREA'S OWN

MARK CURRY!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHOO!

MR. CAPRI, HOW YOU DOING?

- WHAT'S UP, PEOPLE? - ( cheering )

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD. ALL THIS GOOD ENERGY.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO IT. WE AT WAR.

I WAS WATCHING A LITTLE SHOW-- "FEAR FACTOR."

NICE LITTLE SHOW. BUT YOU KNOW I'M SAYING, IMPRESS ME.

LET'S DO "FEAR FACTOR" IN IRAQ.

"ALL WE WANT YOU TO DO IS RUN ACROSS THE STREET. THAT'S ALL WE WANT YOU TO DO."

"OOH!" ( mimics machine gun )

"WHO'S NEXT? STEP UP PLEASE.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS, LET'S DO IT, LET'S GO-- WHOA!

WHO'S NEXT?

I'M TIRED OF SEEING OUR YOUNG SOLDIERS DYING FOR NO REASON.

I'M TIRED OF IT. I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY SAYS.

- ( wild applause ) - I DON'T CARE!

I DON'T CARE, I DON'T' CARE.

YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE THE FIRST PERSON TO GO TO WAR?

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELONG IN SOCIETY.

LET'S GO TO DEATH ROW. THE SERIAL KILLERS, LET'S PULL 'EM OUT.

LET'S GO.

4:00 IN THE MORNING-- "GET UP, LET'S GO, STEP UP HERE."

"NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"EVERY TIME THE DOG BARKS I LIKE TO KILL PEOPLE."

"EVERY TIME THE DOG-- ROWFF-- YOU LIKE--

THE DOG JUST CALLED. HE WANTS YOU TO GO TO IRAQ.

LET'S GO, PLEASE. THANK YOUL."

STEP UP, ALL THE GANGBANGERS

WHO WANT TO SHOOT INNOCENT PEOPLE?

PUT 'EM IN THE SAME CAR, SEND 'EM DOWN BAGHDAD AVENUE.

"GOOD LUCK! THEY SHOOT BACK!"

LET'S CLEAR IT UP, LET'S CLEAR IT UP!

ALL THE PRIESTS WHO TOUCHED ANY OF THE LITTLE BOYS--

TELL 'EM IT'S A RETREAT, COME ON!

LET'S CLEAN IT UP!

THE CRACK ADDICTS. LET'S SEND THE CRACK ADDICTS.

THEY AIN'T DOING NOTHING ELSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A CRACK ADDICT GETTING SHOT.

THE TURN INTO "THE MATRIX" WHEN THEY START SHOOTING.

THE CRACK ADDICTS WILL BE OVER THERE PICKING UP LAND MINES.

"THIS SOME GOOD ALUMINUM RIGHT HERE!"

I WENT OUT WITH THIS LITTLE YOUNG LADY. I KNEW SHE SMOKED WEED

'CAUSE I TOOK HER TO MEXICAN RESTAURANT.

AND I COULD TELL, THE WAY SHE WAS ROLLING HER TORTILLAS.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET THE FAJITAS, YOU GOT TO ROLL YOUR OWN?

SHE WAS ROLLING JOINTS AND WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF IT.

HAD THE LITTLE GROUND BEEF. SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HER ROOMMATE--

"MY ROOMMATE WAS TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO, SO--

I NEED TO DO ANYWAYS, SO--

IF EVERYBODY PAID THEIR RENT

EVERYTHING WOULD BE COOL, RIGHT?

ANYWAY, THIS MOTHERFUCKER GONNA TELL ME..."

I'M LIKE, "DAMN!"

I WENT OUT WITH A LADY ON STEROIDS.

BIG GIRL. BUT YOU CAN TELL THE WOMEN ON STEROIDS.

YOU GOT THIS WHOLE STEROID THING--

YOU CAN TELL THE LADIES ON STEROIDS, 'CAUSE THEY DIFFERENT.

ONE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE OLYMPICS BECAUSE OF STEROIDS, BUT YOU KIND OF KNEW.

SHE HAD A VEIN THIS BIG.

"HI, WE'LL TALK TO VELVET VELVETICH ABOUT ALLEGED STEROIDS USE.

EXCUSE ME, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT

BEING KICKED OUT OF THE OLYMPICS BECAUSE OF STEROIDS?"

( deep voice ) "WELL BASICALLY THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WE WORK OUT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE."

- "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" - "13."

"THANK YOU, GOD BLESS YOU."

LADIES, LISTEN UP. WE WANT YOU TO WATCH X-RATED MOVIES WITH US.

- IT'S NOT BAD. THANK YOU. - ( scattered applause )

WE LOVE IT, DON'T WE, FELLAS? YES WE DO.

FELLAS SCARED TO SAY SOMETHING.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN GONNA JAM YOU UP--

"TURN THE MUSIC DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY LIKE?"

DEPENDS ON WHAT TYPE OF PORNO YOU'RE WATCHING, WHITE OR BLACK.

WHITE AND BLACK MOVIES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

WHITE PORNO MOVIES HAVE DIALOGUE,

LOCATION-- NORMALLY THE TITLE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE LOCATION.

"FREAKIN' ON THE BEACH," THEY ON THE BEACH.

BLACK PORNO MOVIES JUST SAY "FUCKIN'!"

WHITE PORNO MOVIES HAVE DIALOGUE--

"SO YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB?

WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?"

"LET ME SHOW YOU." ( mimics porno music )

LIKE THEY HURTING EACH OTHER.

BLACK PORNO MOVIES, YOU PRESS "START" THEY 15 MINUTES INTO IT ALREADY.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE LOCATION.

YOU JUST SEE A OLD CHRISTMAS TREE,

A DUMP TRUCK AND A MATTRESS.

YOU SEE PEOPLE WALKING BY IN THE BACK.

YOU SEE THE MICROPHONE HANGING DOWN.

THANK YOU GUYS. I'M MARK CURRY.

PEACE.

APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

MARK CURRY, Y'ALL! MARK CURRY, COME ON!

MARK CURRY!

A'IGHT, A'IGHT.

Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL!

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

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