Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST-- MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

ESAU McGRAW,

LESLIE AND BILL BELLAMY!

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK! - ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH! UH! UH!

Y'ALL SIT DOWN, PLAYERS.

OH, WHAT'S UP? ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BADDEST DJ IN THE LAND.

KID CAPRI!

WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?

WELL, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD

AND THE GOVERNMENT CHECKING HERE TONIGHT.

GANGBANGERS IN THE FRONT, ALL KIND OF NIGGAS.

LOOK AT THAT. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT THE FUCK?

SHE WAS BRAIDING HER SHIT ON THE WAY UP HERE.

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK IT, THE SHOW'S STARTING.

THE SHOW IS STARTING, FUCK IT.

FUCK IT, THE SHOW IS STARTING. THE SHOW IS STARTING, FUCK IT!"

NO, YOU LOOK GOOD, BABY.

YOU LOOK GOOD, BABY. YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU LOOK GOOD.

I SEE IT'S A LOT OF OLD PLAYERS IN HERE WITH NO UNDERWEAR

UNDER THEM EASTER PANTS.

BALLS AND CHAINS AND NICKELS AND ALL THAT BE ON ONE SIDE.

HEY, BABY, YOU GOT A LAYAWAY OR SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU PAY ON

OR A CAR NOTE OR SOMETHING?

BUSH IS FUCKING IT UP, MAKING IT WHERE A NIGGA CAN'T GET OLD AROUND HERE.

BUSH AIN'T SHIT. I WANT TO FIGHT HIM HANDS UP.

BOXING AFTER DARK, HBO.

BUSH AIN'T RIGHT. THAT'S A REAL PIMP RIGHT THERE.

YOU TALKING ABOUT THESE NIGGAS PIMPING. THIS IS A REAL PIMP.

HE'LL TELL YOU IN A MINUTE, "BITCH, BETTER HAVE MY OIL."

YOU CAN TELL HIM, "I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU."

HE'LL SAY, "NIGGA, I'M STILL YOUR PRESIDENT."

THEY CAN'T FIND "LODI DODI."

THAT NIGGA IS HIDING.

HE'S SENDING BUSH A TAPE EVERY CHANCE HE GET.

HAVE THAT AK RIGHT HERE BY HIS HEAD.

( speaking mock Arabic )

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

( speaking mock Arabic )

THAT'S FUCKED UP, MAN. THEM MOTHERFUCKING HOSTAGES OVER THERE,

THEY DON'T SAY SHIT ON THERE.

THEM WHITE HOSTAGES JUST BE SITTING THERE, LOOKING.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS JUST...

IF I WAS ON THERE, I'D BE LIKE, "OKAY, TAPE PLAYING?

Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING COME AND GET ME, BITCHES!

THESE NIGGAS ABOUT TO CUT MY HEAD OFF!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S COOL.

FUCK AROUND, FIND SOME WEED IN MY SHOE AND SHARE IT WITH 'EM.

SEND ANOTHER TAPE. I'M SITTING LAYING BACK WITH 'EM NOW."

( inhales )

JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW I'M WITH THEM NOW, BUSH.

AND 9-11 WAS A BAD DOPE DEAL.

DON'T NOBODY KNOW IT, BUT REAL NIGGAS IN THE STREETS.

THAT WAS A BAD DOPE DEAL.

BUSH AND THEM SOLD BIN LADEN A HUNDRED OF THEM THINGS,

AND IT WAS BULLSHIT.

BIN LADEN WAS LOOKING FOR HIM,

RIDING PAST HIS MAMA'S HOUSE.

BUSH DUCKING AND DODGING. DON'T KNOW WHERE HE AT.

I'M TELLING YOU HE GONNA GET BUSH DOWN THERE

IN FLORIDA SNORTING COKE.

YEAH, THE 101. DOWN THERE HITTING THE POWDER ON THE BEACH.

AND THEY CAME DOWN THERE AND SAID, "BUSH, THE PENTAGON GOT HIT."

"WHAT HAPPENED? GOD DAMN IT, WHAT?"

CONDOLEEZZA RICE NAKED, DANCING IN FRONT...

"BITCH, MOVE. WHAT HAPPENED?

GO GET THE CAR, BOBBY BROWN. WHAT TIME WAS IT WHEN IT HAPPENED?"

NIGGA, BOBBY BROWN WENT AND SHUT THE DOOR.

Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC? COME ON, LET'S GO.

LET'S GO!

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT UP OUT OF KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI,

GIVE IT UP FOR ESAU MCGRAW, Y'ALL. COME ON NOW.

YOU EVER SEE A NIGGA AT THE PARTY WITH THEM NICE CLOTHES ON,

BUT HE WEAR 'EM ALL WRONG?

NIGGA THINK HE THE GODDAMN BOMB, GOD DAMN IT.

HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK, DO HE?

DON'T BUST HIS BUBBLE, GOD DAMN IT.

DON'T JUDGE THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

DON'T JUDGE NO-GODDAMN-BODY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT TAKE TO BE ANYBODY ELSE.

DON'T JUDGE NOBODY. GET A GANDER AT A MOTHERFUCKER.

LOOK AT HIM A GIT, AND GIGGLE A TOUCH.

YOU KNOW? SHIT.

MY PROBLEM IS MY FUCKING REACTION TO SHIT

FUCK WITH MY GODDAMN MIND, GET ME IN TROUBLE.

YOU EVER MEET THAT NIGGA WITH THAT EXTRA FINGER RIGHT THERE?

SHAKE HIS HAND. "HEY, HOW YOU DOING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

GOD DAMN IT, SHIT.

THAT SHIT WAS WIGGLING.

FUCK WAS WRONG WITH YOUR HAND, NIGGA?"

EVERYBODY GOT GODDAMN PROBLEMS.

SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS GOT ISSUES. MOTHERFUCKER, TELL SOMEBODY.

DON'T SPRING THAT SHIT ON PEOPLE.

PEOPLE GOT FUCKING PROBLEMS, NIGGA.

MY COUSIN GOT GOLD TEETH AND BLACK GUMS.

SMILE LOOK LIKE A BEDROOM SET.

FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR GODDAMN FACE?

YOU EVER TALK TO A NIGGA BREATH HEAVY,

SHIT STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CUSS?

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING? HELLO... SHIT!

GOD DAMN IT! THE FUCK DID YOU EAT, A DIAPER, NIGGA?

YOU GOT AN ASSHOLE IN THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH?

WHAT T FUCK YOU BEEN DRINKING, TRASH TRUCK JUICE?

GOD DAMN IT!"

THIS NIGGA'S SNEEZE SMELL LIKE TWO SKUNKS FUCKING.

GOD DAMN!

"YOU BEEN EATING ZOO DIRT, NIGGA?

FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR THROAT?

GOD DAMN, YOU NEED A PAP SMEAR IN YOUR MOUTH.

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

EVERYBODY GOT GODDAMN PROBLEMS.

GOD DAMN IT, MY BROTHER'S DARK-SKINNED.

THIS NIGGA GET TATTOOS AND LOSE THEM.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WITH MY MAMA?"

OH, MY LIFE IS FUCKED UP.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I GOT PROBLEMS IN MY SITUATION.

I JUST FUCKING FOUND OUT MY CAR DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WRONG WITH IT.

I GOT IN THAT BITCH TO TRY TO START THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

ALL I HEARD WAS, "NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA.

NI-NI-NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA."

FUCK THIS, I WILL WALK.

RI-FUCKING-DICULOUS.

MY LIFE IS FULL OF THE BULLSHIT. UNDERSTAND ME?

I HAD TO LET THIS HEIFER THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE

'CAUSE HER ISSUES WERE WAY TOO FUCKING FAR OUT OF BOUNDS FOR ME.

HER FUCKING--

NIGGA, SHE STARTED TALKING IN HER SLEEP,

AND IT WASN'T EVEN THE FACT THAT SHE'D TALK IN HER SLEEP,

IT WAS THE SHIT SHE WAS SAYING.

SHE'D BE KNOCKED OUT AT 4:00, 5:00 IN THE MORNING.

( snoring )

"FUCK YOU, ESAU, BLEED, BITCH, DIE,

SUFFOCATE, CHOKE.

I HATE YOU, FUCKFACE. EAT YOUR SCALP,

CUT YOUR LIPS.

I HATE YOUR EYE WHITES. I HATE YOUR FINGERTIPS.

FUCK YOUR NOSTRILS, BITCH.

TUPAC AIN'T DEAD.

( snores )

BLEED, BITCH, SUFFOCATE, CHOKE.

I'M A BOY. ( laughing )

HUH? HUH?

HUH?"

SHIT.

THAT AIN'T EVEN THE CAPPER, GOD DAMN IT.

MAN, WHAT MADE ME PACK HER BAGS

AND SET THEM SHITS IN THE STREET--

ONE NIGHT SHE NODDED OFF WITH HER EYES OPEN.

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING BLADE, GOD DAMN IT,

ENJOYING SOME WESLEY SNIPES.

SHE FALL ASLEEP LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING--

( snoring )

"FUCK YOU, ESAU. BLEED, NIGGA, DIE, DEATH!

I HATE YOUR EYE WHITES, BITCH. FUCK YOUR NOSTRILS.

TUPAC AIN'T DEAD.

DOMINO." ( laughing )

OH, FUCKING I LOVE IT, MOTHERFUCKER, GOD DAMN IT.

THIS AIN'T REGULAR TV. IT'S HBO, BITCH.

Y'ALL THOUGHT I GAVE A FUCK, YOU MADE A MISTAKE.

I'M THE TYPE OF NIGGA THAT COME TO THE THIS MOTHERFUCKER

TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND LEAVE JUST LIKE I CAME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?

- ( crowd cheers ) - ALL RIGHT.

COMING TO THE STAGE, SHE GOT HER OWN STYLE.

SHE'S STRAIGHT OUT OF NEW YORK, AND SHE DON'T TAKE NO SHIT.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR LESLIE!

WHAT'S UP?

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

SHIT!

ALL THE HOMEGIRLS HERE WITH THEY HOMEGIRLS, GIVE IT UP FOR YOURSELF.

WHOO-WHOO!

YEAH!

LADIES, WE HANG OUT LIKE A FUCKING TEAM, DON'T WE, LADIES?

WE HANG OUT LIKE WE A TIGHT-ASS POSSE.

BUT WE ALL GOT OUR JOB ON THE TEAM.

AM I CORRECT, LADIES?

WE ALL GOT OUR POSITION IN THE POSSE.

LIKE, THERE'S THE HO. YOU KNOW SHE A HO.

SHE TELL YOU SHE A HO.

YEAH, I FUCKED HIM. YEAH, I FUCKED HIM, YEAH.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM. I FUCKED...

YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN, BITCH, YOU IS A HO."

BUT YOU LOVE HER. THAT'S YOUR HOMEGIRL.

SHE CAN'T DRINK OUT OF NONE OF THE GLASSES AT YOUR HOUSE.

YOU GOT A PLASTIC CUP FOR THIS BITCH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU BEEN, BITCH.

STOP PLAYING. STOP PLAYING, BITCH. MY KID DRINK OUT THAT GLASS, STOP PLAYING!

Y'ALL KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THE BITCH THAT YOU DON'T LEAVE IN THE ROOM WITH YOUR MAN BY THEMSELVES.

I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU FUCK CHARLES WHILE I'M MAKING BEEF STEW, BITCH.

COME HERE, CHARLES.

I NEED SOME CARROTS, NIGGA. FUCK THAT.

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A HO.

THEN WE GOT THE DRUNK.

CAN'T TAKE THIS BITCH NOWHERE!

YOU GIVE THIS BITCH SOME ALCOHOL,

SHE FUCKING THE WHOLE PARTY UP.

THIS BITCH BE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

NO MUSIC PLAYING. THIS BITCH...

AND THESE BITCHES NEVER REMEMBER SHIT THE NEXT DAY.

THEY NEVER REMEMBER SHIT THE NEXT DAY.

YOU BE LIKE, "YOU DON'T REMEMBER PISSING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR?

YOU DON'T DOING REMEMBER THAT SHIT?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER SECURITY DRAGGING YOU OFF BY ONE LEG?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER NONE OF THAT SHIT?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER THEM TAKING PICTURES OF US 'CAUSE WE CAN'T GO BACK

TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER 'CAUSE OF YOU, BITCH?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT SHIT?

YOU NEED HELP, BITCH. YOU NEED HELP."

THEN WE GOT THE DRIVER.

THIS BITCH DRIVE EVERY OCCASION.

IT DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE HER FUCKING CAR.

SHE COULD BE HIGH. SHE COULD BE DRUNK.

SHE COULD BE TORE UP.

THAT BITCH'S LINE IS, "OH, WE GONNA MAKE IT TO THE HOUSE.

WE GONNA MAKE IT HOME. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.

I GOTTA GO TO WORK IN THE MORNING, BITCHES. COME ON, BITCHES."

THEN WE GOT THE BITCH THAT DON'T LIKE SHIT.

"WHY WE COME TO THIS CLUB?

WHY THESE BITCHES KEEP LOOKING AT ME, WHAT?"

YOU BE IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE OTHER BITCHES, LIKE, "WHY WE KEEP FUCKING

WITH THIS BITCH, WHY? WHY WE KEEP GOING OUT WITH THIS BITCH?"

AND THE DRUNK BE LIKE, "'CAUSE SHE IS DRIVING."

SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU ALL NOTICE I'M A TALL MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A TALL MOTHERFUCKER WITH BIG FEET, BITCHES.

THAT'S RIGHT. I GOT SOME BIG-ASS FEET.

I WEAR A SIZE 12, NIGGA...

IN MEN'S.

I WALK INTO PAYLESS, THEY GET QUIET THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT?

SALESPEOPLE BE DUCKING LIKE, "WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS BIG BITCH COME FROM?

YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, BITCH. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, BITCH."

BUT IF Y'ALL CAN GET PAST THEM BIG FEET

AND HOW TALL I AM,

I'M A GREAT FUCKING CATCH.

I AM. I'M A GREAT FUCKING CATCH, YO!

YOU GOTTA USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE, NIGGA.

I'M A GREAT CATCH.

I'M FINE.

I CAN FUCK.

AND I CAN FIGHT. NIGGA, WHAT?

I AIN'T NO DAMSEL IN DISTRESS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I AIN'T NO DAMSEL, YOU KNOW?

NIGGA, YOU CAN GO GET THE CAR WHILE I TAKE CARE OF THESE THREE THUGS.

I'M A TOP-SHELF BITCH, NIGGA.

AND YOU KNOW AS TALL AS I AM,

I CAN BALL LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

I BEEN BALLING SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE, NIGGA. I CAN BALL.

WHOO! THAT'S RIGHT.

I WASN'T NO CUTE LITTLE DAINTY-ASS LITTLE GIRL.

I NEVER WORE DRESSES, NIGGA. YOU COULD SEE MY KNEEPADS AND HIGH-TOPS.

FUCK THAT.

AT THE PROM, NIGGA, I TOOK MY PICTURE IN THE DEFENSIVE STANCE, NIGGA.

I'LL POST THIS NIGGA UP. I WAS LIKE, "GET THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

GET THIS. POSTING THIS NIGGA UP!"

THAT'S RIGHT, NIGGAS. Y'ALL AIN'T GOTTA SPEND NO MONEY ON ME,

DINNER AND DRINKS, NIGGA.

YOU CAN PLAY ME FOR THIS PUSSY, NIGGA. WHAT'S UP?

CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE DEFENSE, NIGGA?

CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE DEFENSE, NIGGA?

AND BE CAREFUL, 'CAUSE I WILL DUNK

ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

BITCH... WHOO, WHOO, BLAM!

BE HANGING ON THE RIM WITH MY PUSSY ALL IN YOUR FACE AND SHIT.

AAGGHHH!

SO GIVE A BIG BITCH SOME LOVE!

YO, MY NAME IS LESLIE. PEACE!

ONE MORE TIME. HA HA HA HA!

ONE MORE TIME FOR LESLIE, Y'ALL.

THAT BIG BITCH RIGHT THERE

CAN GO ON A ROBBERY WITH ME ANY DAY.

I'M WAITING IN THE CAR.

LET'S KEEP THIS SHIT ROLLING, MAN.

COMING TO THE STAGE, MAN,

YOU KNOW HIM AS THE ORIGINAL "BOOTY CALL" MAN,

STRAIGHT OUT OF NEWARK, THE BRICKS, NEW JERSEY,

HE IS AN ALUMNI HERE, LEGEND.

Y'ALL KNOW WHO HE IS WHEN YOU SEE HIM.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR BILL BELLAMY!

WHOA!

OH, SHIT!

L.A., MAKE SOME NOISE.

YEAH, YEAH!

WHERE ARE THE SINGLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE? MAKE SOME NOISE, SINGLE PEOPLE.

AH, SINGLE.

Y'ALL CLAPPING LIKE THAT SHIT FUN.

THIS HOW YOU KNOW IT'S FUCKED UP

AND YOU SINGLE IN 2006--

WHEN YOU ON THE INTERNET LIKE THIS,

"PLEASE BE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE."

LADIES, IF YOU GOT A GOOD MAN, CLAP YOUR HANDS. WHERE YOU AT?

LOT OF YOU ALL AIN'T CLAPPING.

( imitates female voice) "I WISH I WOULD CLAP FOR YOUR BROKE ASS."

SEE, I THINK A LOT OF WOMEN AIN'T CLAPPING 'CAUSE A LOT OF YOU ALL

ARE CONFUSED WHAT IT IS TO BE A GOOD MAN.

SEE, IT'S 2006, AND A LOT OF WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S VERY, VERY HARD TO BE A GOOD-ASS MAN.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO DO A LOT OF SHIT

TO BE A GOOD MAN.

BUT, LADIES, UNDERSTAND THE GAME. I BELIEVE THIS THEORY.

I BELIEVE THAT NO WOMAN CAN TRULY LOVE A MAN

UNLESS SHE LOVE HERSELF FIRST.

SO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU.

STAY ON YOUR "A" GAME.

LADIES, DON'T GET A MAN AND FALL OFF.

STAY ON YOUR "A" GAME. DON'T GET A MAN AND GAIN 900 POUNDS.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT IN THE CLUB.

WHEN THE KRISPY KREME LIGHT COME ON, IT AIN'T PAGING YOU.

( imitates female voice ) "IS THAT THE KRISPY KREME LIGHT?"

STAY ON YOUR "A" GAME, LADIES. KEEP IT SEXY.

BRING THE HEAT IN THE BEDROOM. DON'T GET YOUR MAN AND FALL OFF.

UH-UH, STAY ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING "A" GAME.

YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MENTALITY OF A SINGLE CHICK.

SINGLE CHICKS HAVE GREAT SEX. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GONNA HAVE SEX AGAIN.

SO THEY GO ALL OUT.

SINGLE CHICKS LOOK AT YOU WHEN THEY MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SOME BULLSHIT, HUH?

HAVE YOUR ASS SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE BED

LIKE YOU GOT ASTHMA.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

AND, LADIES, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU TURNED YOUR MAN OUT,

OWN THAT MOMENT. THAT'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL MOMENT

WHEN YOU KNOW YOU TURNED YOUR MAN OUT.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

FELLAS, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A WOMAN

WHO KNOWS SHE TURNED YOU OUT?

THEY ALMOST LAY IN THE BED LIKE A DUDE.

THEY BE LIKE...

( deep voice ) "YOU LIKE THIS, DON'T YOU?"

AND YOU WILL ANSWER HER, "YES, I DO, YES."

I'M JUST SAYING.

AND A LOT OF LADIES ARE SPENDING MONEY ON LINGERIE.

I'M TRYING TO SAVE Y'ALL SOME MONEY.

ALL Y'ALL GOT TO WEAR AROUND THE CRIB, LADIES--

WE GONNA KEEP IT VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY SIMPLE, OKAY?

YOU GO TO WAL-MART. YOU GET YOU SOME WHITE T'S, TIGHT WHITE T'S,

EXTRA, EXTRA, EXTRA SMALL, SO THE NIPPLES POP THROUGH

A LITTLE BIT... ( vocal popping )

AND YOU WEAR A THONG.

AND WHEN I'M WATCHING THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME, FLOW THROUGH SOME TIME.

YOU BE SITTING THERE WATCHING THE GAME,

YOUR GIRL ROLL THROUGH WITH THAT SHIT ON,

YOU BE LIKE, "GIRL, YOU BETTER GO AHEAD WITH THAT BULLSHIT."

MAN, FUCK THIS GAME. IT'S HALFTIME. HOLLER AT YOU, GIRL."

A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON, MAN.

I'VE BEEN BLESSED TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE DAUGHTER, MAN.

SHE'S TWO YEARS OLD.

BEAUTIFUL, BOY.

HAVING A KID WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

BOY, YOU START DOING SHIT YOU WOULD NEVER DO.

THE OTHER DAY I WAS WATCHING "DORA THE EXPLORER."

I WAS LIKE, "THAT BITCH IS GANGSTER."

I GOTTA TELL Y'ALL THIS FUNNY STORY.

THE OTHER DAY I REALIZED THAT KIDS ARE A LOT SMARTER THAN WE ARE AT THE SAME TIME.

MY LITTLE GIRL, TWO YEARS OLD, OKAY?

SHE KNOW SO MUCH SHIT.

THE OTHER DAY, SHE SAID TO ME, "DADDY, I AM VERY, VERY HUNGRY."

I'M LIKE, "HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY?"

SMART.

I TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO THE ZOO. SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER FUCKING DO.

ME AT THE ZOO? I TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO THE ZOO.

YOU HAVE A LITTLE KID. YOU GOING TO THE GODDAMN ZOO.

I GET TO THE ZOO, I DON'T REALIZE MY DAUGHTER KNOWS SO MANY ANIMALS.

I MEAN, THIS GIRL-- SOON AS TWO MINUTES,

SHE'S LIKE, "DADDY, THAT'S A HIPPOPOTAMUS."

LIKE, "HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW THAT'S A HIPPO?"

TWO MINUTES LATER, "DADDY, THAT'S A PARROT."

I'M LIKE, "HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW THAT'S A PARROT?"

SO I'M STARTING TO GET EXCITED.

I'M POINTING THIS WAY, "WHAT'S THAT?"

NOW I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING FUN.

LET ME TELL YOU, YOU KNOW WHO HAD THE MOST FUN AT THE ZOO?

WHITE PEOPLE.

WHITE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO TAKE GOING TO THE ZOO

TO THE NEXT FUCKING LEVEL.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE PREPARED FOR THE ZOO.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU EVER NOTICE, THEY THINK THEY GOING TO AFRICA.

WHITE PEOPLE BRING A LOT OF SHIT TO THE ZOO.

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN THEY GET OUT THEIR CAR, THEY GOT SUNBLOCK,

FUCKING HATS.

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT EXTRA WATER, MAPS AND SHIT.

THEY THINK THEY GOING ON A SAFARI.

AND WHITE PEOPLE DON'T JUST GET OUT THEIR CAR

AND WALK IN THE ZOO. OH, NO, NO, NO.

THEY HAVE A LITTLE MEETING OUTSIDE THE CAR.

THE MOTHER GETS OUT. "COME ON, GUYS.

"OKAY, I GOT THE MAP ONLINE.

UH...

OKAY, THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GONNA ENTER THE ZOO HERE.

OKAY, OKAY.

WE'RE GONNA WORK OUR WAY AROUND BY THE POLAR BEARS.

AND THE KIDS, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO BREAK THERE.

NO, NO, BECAUSE THERE'S NO RESTROOMS THERE.

WE'RE GONNA WORK ALL THE WAY OVER HERE TILL WE GET TO THE PELICANS.

THAT'S WHERE THE KIDS CAN HAVE A SNACK,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WE'LL BE FINISHED IN THE PARK ABOUT 4:50.

LET'S GO ENJOY THE PARK."

EVERYBODY IN THE WHITE FAMILY GOT A CAMERA.

THE DADDY GOT A CAMERA, LITTLE MINOLTA...

( imitates shutter clicking )

MAMA GOT A CAMERA, CANON... ( clicking )

LITTLE KIDS... ( clicking )

THEY ARE FUCKING READY FOR THE ZOO.

YOU EVER SEE A BLACK FAMILY WHEN THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR?

BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T NEVER PREPARED FOR SHIT.

YOU EVER SEE A BLACK MAMA WHEN SHE GET OUT THE CAR?

FIRST THING SHE DO, SHE CLOSE THE DOOR. "WHERE'S THE CAMERA?

"DIDN'T I SAY PUT THE CAMERA IN THE CAR LAST NIGHT?

I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE GODDAMN CAMERA IN THE CAR.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

YOU GONNA HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SEE.

I WISH I WOULD GO IN THIS GODDAMN ZOO

AND BUY A CAMERA FOR $92.

YOU CRAZY AS HELL.

I TELL YOU WHAT. I TELL YOU WHAT.

WHEN Y'ALL SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE, DO LIKE THAT."

YO, I'M OUT, PEACE.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE Y'ALL, BABY.

BILL BELLAMY, Y'ALL, BILL BELLAMY!

RUSSELL SIMMONS, RUSSELL SIMMONS!

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU, GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0