Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM!"

WITH YOUR HOST MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- ALEX THOMAS,

ROZ,

AND DON "D.C." CURRY.

I'M YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI.

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST,

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

YEAH!

ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI,

THE BADDEST DJ IN THE MOTHERFUCK--

KID CAPRI!

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, L.A.?

Y'ALL NIGGAS HAD YOUR OUTFITS

LAID ON THE BED ALL NIGHT.

Y'ALL BEEN WAITING ON THIS SHIT TO COME OUT!

LOOK AT THIS NIGGA, GOT A GREEN "JOLLY RANCHER" HOODIE ON!

THIS NIGGA GOT A BAG OF PENNY CANDY. GOD DAMN!

LOOK AT-- ( laughs )

IS THAT A NIG-- COME HERE, NIGGA, COME HERE!

RIGHT HERE. YEAH, STAND UP. STAND UP!

LOOK AT THIS!

COME HERE. STAND ON THE STAGE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

COME HERE, NIGGA. COME ON. COME UP HERE.

GET UP HERE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

GO AND SIT BACK DOWN. GO ON, SIT DOWN!

YOU GOT SOME GOOD PUSSY UP UNDER THERE?

GET YOUR PUNK-ASS OFF THE STAGE!

- ( record scratching ) - BITCH!

HIT IT AGAIN! HIT IT AGAIN! HIT IT AGAIN!

HIT IT AGAIN! HIT IT AGAIN!

BI-- BI-- BITCH!

MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE NIGGAS?

YOU LOOKING TO GET FONDLED WITH THIS NIGHT?!

THIS NIGGA CAME UP HERE WITH A DRESS ON.

I GUESS YOU SAID, "FUCK YOU, KANYE WEST,

I'M GONNA STEAL AND FUCK ALL YOUR SHIT UP."

ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN HERE,

Y'ALL BEEN USING YOUR NEUTROGENA SOAP.

WOMAN'LL PROMISE YOU SOME PUSSY

AND FALL ASLEEP, HUH, FELLAS. YOU EVER--

"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME PUSSY LATER ON TONIGHT."

NIGGA HAPPY MOVING SHIT WHEN HE USUALLY DON'T WORK--

"YOU WANT ME TO GET THEM BOXES AND SHIT? YOU WANT ME-- ?"

GET HOME, SHE'S ASLEEP-- ( snores )

"HUH-UH, DON'T DO THAT TO US. WAKE UP. DON'T DO THAT!"

"I'M SLEEPY, BUT YOU CAN STILL HIT IT."

"I DON'T WANT NO DEAD PUSSY! WASH YOUR FACE OFF

AND DRINK A RED BULL AND GET IN THERE AND GET NAKED."

LITTLE KIDS TELL THE TRUTH TOO MUCH.

I GOT A BUDDY THAT GOT A KELOID HANGING OFF HIS EAR.

MY LITTLE GIRL WAS LIKE, "IS THAT A LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?"

I WAS LIKE, "GET-- "

WHO THE FUCK MAKES A LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?

YOU EVER SEEN A PHAT FARM LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?

Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!

OH YEAH. THIS IS HOW WE GONNA DO IT.

THIS IS HOW WE GONNA DO IT.

COMING STRAIGHT OUT OF SOUTH CENTRAL,

FOR HIS FOURTH APPEARANCE ON "DEF COMEDY JAM,"

Y'ALL KNOW THIS MAN ALL OVER THE CITY.

Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HIM. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR L.A.'S OWN ALEX THOMAS, Y'ALL. PUT YOUR HANDS--

WHAT UP, L.A.?

I SAID WHAT UP, L.A.?

THE FUCK I'M TALK ABOUT. AIN'T NOTHING BUT WOMEN UP IN HERE.

ALL THE LADIES MAKE SOME NOISE.

ALL THE LADIES THAT WATCH "OPRAH" MAKE SOME NOISE.

I'M WATCHING THAT SHIT NOW.

YEAH, NIGGAS, FELLAS.

I SAID I'M WATCHING "OPRAH" NOW, NIGGA.

THEY GOT SOME AMAZING TOPICS ON "OPRAH."

MY FAVORITE SHIT THIS YEAR

IS WHEN SHE HAD FUCKING WHAT'S-HIS-NAME--

TERRY MCMILLAN WAS ON THE SHOW.

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?

SHE MARRIED A GAY NIGGA.

SAID SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE NIGGA WAS GAY.

THIS NIGGA LOOK SWEETER THAN THREE CUPS OF SUGAR.

STEVIE WONDER COULD SEE THAT THIS NIGGA WAS GAY.

LADIES, THERE'S SIGNS IF YOUR MAN IS GAY.

LADIES, YOU WANNA KNOW SIGNS IF YOUR MAN IS GAY?

I SAID, DO YOU WANNA KNOW SIGNS IF YOUR MAN IS GAY?

IF THE NIGGA'S EYEBROWS ARE ARCHED...

YOUR MAN MIGHT BE GAY.

OKAY, IF YOUR MAN GOT A TOE RING...

THE NIGGA MIGHT BE GAY.

IF YOU FIND PICTURES OF YOUR MAN--

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YEAR IT WAS--

AND THE NIGGA WAS DOING THE SPLITS...

THE NIGGA MIGHT BE GAY.

IF YOU HOP IN YOUR MAN'S RIDE

AND THAT NIGGA WAS BUMPING TEVIN CAMPBELL'S GREATEST HITS...

YOU'RE GAY.

I'M A HIP HOP HEAD. I LOVE HIP HOP.

IF YOU LOVE HIP HOP, MAKE SOME NOISE.

I THINK THE THUG SHIT HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR.

YOU THINK THE THUG SHIT HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR?

TO PROVE HOW FAR THE THUG SHIT--

I GOT A BUDDY, RIGHT? THE NIGGA WORKS FOR INTERSCOPE RECORDS.

YOU KNOW INTERSCOPE? Y'ALL KNOW 50 CENT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DR. DRE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, EMINEM, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT ON THE BACK OF EVERY CD

THEY GOT THE ACTUAL NUMBER

TO THE ACTUAL RECORD LABEL.

AND YOU GOT NIGGAS ALL OVER AMERICA

THINKING THEY COULD JUST CALL THAT NUMBER,

LEAVE A MESSAGE,

AND GET A DEAL OVER THE PHONE.

THIS DUDE'S LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU GOT TO HEAR

THE ANSWER MACHINE OF THESE THUG MOTHERFUCKERS

CALLING FROM ALL OVER AMERICA. IT'S LIKE--

( mimics tone ) "WHAT UP Y'ALL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THIS IS INTERSCOPE RECORDS, LEAVE A NUMBER,

THE NAME OF YOUR RAP GROUP,

WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." ( mimics tone )

"WHAT UP DAWG! NIGGA I'M THE HOTTEST NIGGA

ON THE MOTHERFUCKING EAST COAST, SON!

NIGGA 50 ONLY GOT SHIT NINE TIMES, NIGGA!

I DONE BEEN SHOT 15 TIMES, NIGGA!

I DONE DIED AND CAME BACK.

HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!" ( mimics tone )

THAT'S NOTHING!

THEY HAD A NIGGA CALL FROM THE SOUTH,

( mimics tone ) "WHAT UP, DIRTY?

NIGGA, I'M THE HOTTEST NIGGA IN THE SO--"

POP POP POP POP! POP POP!

"NIGGA, I'M GETTING SHOT RIGHT NOW.

HOLLA BACK QUICK." ( mimics flatline tone )

I LOVE HIP HOP. I LOVE HIP HOP.

YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE DUDE IS RIGHT NOW?

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYBODY SAYS,

MY FAVORITE NIGGA ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW--

MOTHERFUCKING LIL JON. I LIKE LIL JON.

I LIKE LIL JON,

'CAUSE I FIGURED THE DUDE OUT.

THE NIGGA IS NOT A RAPPER.

HE'S A HYPE-MAN THAT MADE IT.

H¡S A HYPE-MAN THAT MADE IT!

THIS NIGGA JUST SPECIALIZES

IN CUSSING OVER BEATS.

YOU HEARD HIS ALBUM. YOU TURN ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER,

"MOTHERFUCKER WHAT! MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T NOTHING BUT HO'S, BITCH!

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T NOTHING BUT HO'S, BITCH!"

AND I'M IN THE CAR LIKE THIS, NIGGA!

YOU'D DO ANYTHING THAT NIGGA SAID.

"PULL YOUR DICK OUT. NIGGA, PULL YOUR DICK OUT!"

LIKE, "NIGGA, DID I JUST PULL MY DICK OUT?"

"NIGGA, JON SAID PULL YOUR DICK OUT."

BUT THE CRAZIEST SHIT EVER--

I SAW THE MOST SICKEST SHIT EVER.

THEY SHOWED THE MAKING OF LIL JON'S ALBUM.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS SAW THIS SHIT ON MTV.

THEY HAD THIS NIGGA IN THE STUDIO

WITH A NOTEPAD.

I WAS LIKE,

"THIS NIGGA WRITES THIS SHIT?"

THIS NIGGA WAS IN THE BOOTH, LIKE...

( music playing )

MOTHERFUCKER WHAT! MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!

SNAP YOUR FINGERS, HO! SNAP YOUR FINGERS, HO!

YEAH-YUH!

I'M OUTTA HERE, Y'ALL!

ALEX THOMAS!

I LOVE Y'ALL!

HEY, THAT'S HOW THEM CRUNK DANCERS GO.

Y'ALL READY FOR THE NEXT COMIC? COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!

COMING TO THE STAGE--

I'M TELLING Y'ALL, THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE IS STRAIGHT OUT OF JERSEY,

FUNNY AS HELL-- ROZ!

COME ON Y'ALL!

WHAZZUP, HOW Y'ALL DOING?

ALL RIGHT!

GOOD TO BE IN LOS ANGELES AGAIN.

ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES. WHERE ALL THE SINGLE LADIES AT?

SINGLE LADIES MAKE SOME NOISE!

HOW ABOUT YOU NOT SURE? YOU FUCKING AND YOU DON'T KNOW

WHERE YOU STAND IN A RELATIONSHIP.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, LADIES, WE GO WITH GUYS

AND THEY DON'T GO BACK WITH US.

"YOU FUCK ME GOOD, NIGGA, WE GO TOGETHER!"

"I WISH YOU WOULD LEAVE. I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"

I'M AN OLDER WOMAN. I LIKE TO FIGHT AND HAVE SEX.

THAT'S THE BEST SEX.

SOMETIME I PICK A FIGHT WITH A NIGGA

SO HE CAN FUCK ME GOOD.

HE COME IN THE HOUSE, I PUNCH HIM

RIGHT IN HIS DAMN FACE!

I'LL BE LIKE, "DROP YOUR DRAWERS, PLAYER.

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"

AND I'M AN OLDER WOMAN, AND I GOT A THING FOR THE YOUNG BROTHERS.

AND I GOT TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. I LEFT THEM ALONE 2005,

'CAUSE SEE, THE YOUNG BROTHERS, Y'ALL CRAZY AS SHIT!

Y'ALL BE WANTING TO HAVE SEX

AT 3:30, 4:00 IN THE DAMN MORNING?

I'D BE LIKE, "NIGGA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

MY MEDICATION DONE KICKED IN!"

I'M SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER!

YOU BETTER HIT THIS PUSSY BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

THIS SHIT DONE RAN OUT OF MINUTES!"

AND I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL NOW, I AIN'T GOT NO JOKES.

I GOT FUCKING PROBLEMS.

FAT MEN ALWAYS TRYING TO TALK TO ME.

FAT NIGGAS ALWAYS HOLLERING AT ME. "WHAT'S UP, MA?"

"NOT YOU, YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER!"

WHAT TWO FAT PEOPLE GONNA DO,

HAVE A WORLD WRESTING FEDERATION MATCH?

WE'D BE LAYING IN THE BED

LOOKING LIKE TWO WRESTLERS AND SHIT!

I LIKE SKINNY MEN,

SKINNY MEN THAT SMOKE WEED

SO WHEN HE GET THE MUNCHIES, WE ON THE SAME PAGE.

HOLLER BACK AT ME, NIGGA!

GET AT ME, DAWG!

SOME TIMES, FELLAS, WHEN YOU WANNA GET WITH A WOMAN,

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE QUIET.

JUST NOD YOUR HEAD ALL NIGHT, DON'T SAY SHIT.

HOW MANY TIMES, LADIES, YOU AT THE CLUB

AND YOU ONLY KNOWN A NIGGA TWO RECORDS,

AND HE GO UP IN YOUR EAR AND ASK YOU SOME DUMB SHIT?

( mumbling ) ...WANNA SUCK MY DICK? YOU WANNA SUCK A NIGGA DICK?

LADIES, THE NEXT TIME A MAN ASKS YOU TO GO DOWNTOWN

AND YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE THAT--

HE BE LIKE, "YOU GO DOWNTOWN?"

SAY "UH-HUH!"

GO ON DOWN THERE LADIES, GO ON DOWN THERE.

BUT WHEN YOU GET DOWN THERE JUST LOOK AROUND.

HE GONNA BE LIKE, "BITCH, WHAT YOU DOING?"

SAY, "NIGGA, THIS WHAT I DO

WHEN I GO DOWNTOWN AND AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.

I'M JUST WINDOW SHOPPING!

NIGGA, I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND!

AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOUR SHIT WAS 50% OFF?

GOD DAMN, IT'S A CLEARANCE SALE OUT THIS BITCH.

EVERYTHING MUST GO."

NOW THE YOUNG LADIES-- Y'ALL A LOTTA YOUNG LADIES,

Y'ALL BE LIKE, "I NEED A MAN THAT'S HOLDING.

HE GOTTA HAVE IT ALL HANGING DOWN HERE."

I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT!

I DON'T WANT NO MAN WITH NO BIG OLD DICK

FUCKING ME IN MY SPLEEN AND MY TORSO!

NOW HE DONE BUSTED MY KIDNEYS AND I'M ON DIALYSIS.

THREE DAYS A FUCKING WEEK!

MY MAIN MAN IS MY OB-GYN, Y'ALL.

I LOVE HIM. HE'S BEEN IN MY LIFE

OVER 40-SOMETHING YEARS.

HE 82 YEARS OLD,

AND HE GOT PARKINSON'S DISEASE, Y'ALL.

AND WHEN HE BE EXAMINING ME,

HE JUST BE SHAKING AND SHIT!

I'LL BE LIKE, "WAIT, I NEED TO SEE MY DOCTOR. MY PUSSY DON'T FEEL RIGHT.

MY PUSSY DON'T FEEL RIGHT."

AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A WHOLE LOTTA SHIT IN MY LIFE,

JUST CELEBRATING 17 YEARS CLEAN, Y'ALL.

USED TO BE A CRACKHEAD!

HELL, YEAH!

LOTTA PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT!

THEY BE LIKE, "HOW YOU WAS ON CRACK AND YOU WAS FAT?"

I WAS SMOKING THAT SHIT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY CUT MY CRACK WITH.

THEY MUST HAVE CUT MY SHIT WITH CRISCO,

BETTY CROCKER AND DUNCAN HINES.

AND I TRIED TO BE A PROSTITUTE WHEN I WAS ON CRACK.

IT'S HARD TO SELL PUSSY WHEN YOU FEET BE FUCKED UP.

BUT I GAVE BACK TO MY COMMUNITY

AND I STARTED HELPING THEM HO'S GET THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.

I SAT THEM HO'S DOWN-- I WAS A COUNSELOR IN THE REHAB.

I SAT THEM BITCHES DOWN, I SAID, "LET ME TELL YOU HOOKERS SOMETHING.

PROSTITUTES ARE ENTREPRENEURS."

THEY'D BE LIKE, "BUT ROZ, WHAT WE GONNA PUT ON OUR RESUME?"

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID, BITCH.

A PROSTITUTE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE.

YOUR JOB IS TO SERVICE THE CUSTOMER."

THEY SAID, "YOU GONNA HELP US WITH OUR RESUME?"

I SAID, "HELL YEAH!" THEY SAID, "WHAT YOU GONNA PUT ON THERE?"

I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH MORE THAN ONE NIGGA AT THE SAME TIME?"

THEY SAID, "HELL YEAH!"

I SAID, "YOU WORK WELL WITH OTHERS.

YOU'S A TEAM PLAYER, BITCH!

RIGHT THAT SHIT DOWN."

I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A MAN,

AND YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR MONEY?"

THEY SAID, "ABSOLUTELY!"

I SAID, "THAT'S VOLUNTEER WORK, COMMUNITY SERVICE."

I SAID, "BITCH, YOUR RESUME LOOKING REAL GOOD."

I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION?" THEY SAID, "ALL OF 'EM."

I SAID, "BITCH, YOU FLEXIBLE.

THEY CAN PUT YOUR ASS IN ANY POSITION.

HAVE YOU EVER SUCKED A DICK AND BEEN POKED IN THE ASS AT THE SAME TIME?"

THEY SAID, "ABSOLUTELY."

I SAID, "YOU MULTITASKING, BITCH!

YOU CAN PERFORM A VARIETY OF TASKS SIMULTANEOUSLY

IN A HIGH-ENERGY ENVIRONMENT."

I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A MAN

AND IT WAS OVER JUST LIKE THAT?"

THEY SAID, "ALL THE TIME."

I SAID, "YOU HAVE THE ABILITY

TO GET THE JOB DONE IN A TIMELY MANNER."

I SAID, "BITCH, YOUR RESUME LOOKING GOOD AS SHIT!"

SHE SAID, "WHAT AM I PUT ON THERE WHEN THEY ASK ME FOR MY REFERENCES?"

I SAID, "NAME SOME OF THEM NIGGAS YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH."

SHE SAID, "I HAD TWO WI THE SAME LAST NAME."

"WHAT WAS HIS LAST NAME?" "MR. JOHNSON."

"BITCH, YOU WORKED FOR A MAJOR COMPANY.

YOU WORKED FOR JOHNSON & JOHNSON!"

MY NAME IS ROZ, Y'ALL. PEACE AND LOVE!

ONE MORE TIME FOR ROZ, Y'ALL. COME ON!

OH, SHE IS A FUCKING FOOL RIGHT THERE.

Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME? Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?

WE GONNA KEEP THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING.

MY MAN COMING TO THE STAGE--

Y'ALL KNOW HIM, Y'ALL SEEN HIM.

HE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.

STRAIGHT OUT OF ATLANTA, GIVE IT UP FOR

DON "D.C." CURRY!

ALL RIGHT!

DEF JAM! WHAT'S HAPPENING, Y'ALL?

DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE. GOOD TO BE BACK!

GOOD TO BE ALIVE, AIN'T IT?

I KNOW THE WORLD IS FUCKED UP,

BUT IF YOU WANNA COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS,

YOU CAN START WITH THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.

RYBODY IN HERE EV HAS SURVIVED,

SO MY ASS IS GLAD THAT THEY BE HERE.

I WOULDN'T TAKE NOTHING FOR THIS SHIT.

I AIN'T MAD AT GOD.

I AIN'T MAD AT GOD--

I KNOW SHIT SEEM TO BE FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW.

FOLKS STILL DYING, THOUGH?

SO I'M COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, 'CAUSE MY ASS IS ALIVE.

AND IT LOOK LIKE THE WRONG DAMN FOLK IS DYING.

FOLK DYING THAT AIN'T DONE SHIT.

AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS STILL AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

IT DON'T SEEM RIGHT!

I BE QUESTIONING GOD.

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE RICHARD PRYOR?

BADDEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

WHAT WOULD YOU TAKE RICHARD PRYOR

AND LEAVE LITTLE RICHARD'S SISSY ASS?

SOMETIME HE BE PICKING UP FOLK IN GROUPS.

HE TRYING TO SAVE GAS.

JUST PICK UP A GROUP OF MOTHERFUCKERS AT ONE TIME.

ALL THEM JOHNNIES WAS DYING AT ONE TIME--

JOHNNY CARSON, JOHNNIE COCHRAN,

JOHNNY "GUITAR" WATSON,

JOHNNY CASH, JOHNNIE TAYLOR--

GOD DAMN, I'M GLAD MY NAME AIN'T JOHNNY.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS CHECKING OUT!

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT JOHNNIE COCHRAN BE DEAD?

AND OJ'S IGNORANT ASS STILL RIDING AROUND

SLAPPING THE SHIT OUT OF WHITE FOLK AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE BARRY WHITE?

BAD CROONER, AIN'T BOTHERED NOBODY,

AIN'T NOBODY FUCKED WITH HIM.

WHY BARRY WHITE DEAD

IF 50 CENT STILL ALIVE, GET SHOT 87 TIMES?

MOTHERFUCKER JUST REFUSED TO DIE. OUCH!

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE LUTHER VANDROSS?

BADDEST BALLADEER THAT EVER LIVED.

"SECRET LOVE," SO AMAZING.

"DANCE WITH MY FATHER," "HOUSE IS NOT A HOME."

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE LUTHER FROM US

AND LEAVE US WITH BOBBY BROWN?

I KNOW Y'ALL SEEN THE SHOW.

"BEING BOBBY BROWN." THAT'S THE DUMBEST SHIT

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN--

THAT'S THE DUMBEST GROUP OF MOTHERFUCKERS

I'VE SEEN IN A LONG GODDAMN TIME.

TOOK A TOLL ON YOUR ASS, DIDN'T IT?

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANNA BELIEVE WHITNEY'S ASS WAS ON THAT SHIT.

YOUR ASS BEEN IN DENIAL. YOU BETTER COME TO GRIPS WITH REALITY.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT HEIFER.

I LOVE HER MUSIC TOO, BUT GODDAMN IT,

SHE AIN'T WRAPPED TOO MOTHERFUCKING TIGHT.

THAT'S THE REALITY BLACK FOLK GOT TO FACE.

WE NEED TO STOP DAMN SUPPORTING THE WRONG SHIT.

FACE REALITY. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF HE THE BADDEST ENTERTAINER THAT EVER LIVED.

MOTHERFUCKER'S 48 YEARS OLD. TALKING ABOUT THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

WITH SLEEPING WITH YOUR CHILDREN. GOT CHILDREN OF HIS OWN,

HE DON'T EVER INVITE THEM MOTHERFUCKERS TO THE PARTY.

DON'T EVEN WANT US TO LOOK AT THEM.

THEY COME OUT IN PUBLIC, GOT MASKS ON AND UMBRELLAS AND SHIT.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU TO SLEEP--

WELL, I DON'T FEEL BAD 'CAUSE HE GOT OFF IN THE TRIAL.

'CAUSE THE WOMAN THAT LET HER CHILD

GO STAY WITH MICHAEL JACKSON NEED HER ASS LOCKED UP.

I JUST FEEL BAD FOR THE CHILDREN.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE CHILDREN.

I FEEL BAD FOR THEM ANIMALS AT NEVERLAND AND SHIT.

AIN'T NO TELLING WHAT THE FUCK HE DONE DONE TO THEM.

BACKED THAT GIRAFFE'S ASS RIGHT UP TO THAT FERRIS WHEEL,

AND TATTOOED THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

THAT'S WHY HE HAD THEM LITTLE POLKA DOTS ON HIS DICK AND SHIT

WHEN HE TOOK THE PICTURE AND SHIT!

BLACK FOLK NEED TO FACE REALITY.

WHITE FOLK NEED TO FACE SOME SHIT TOO NOW.

WHITE FOLK, FACE IT, CHICKEN IS GOOD.

YOU PUTTING IT IN CHICKEN POT PIES AND SHIT,

TRYING TO COVER IT UP. YOU LIKE CHICKEN.

DALE EARNHARDT DIED 'CAUSE HE WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER.

THAT SHIT IS MOTHERFUCKING DANGEROUS.

YOU SPENDING $15 MILLION TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT KILLED DALE EARNHARDT?

200 MILES A GODDAMN HOUR,

THAT'S WHAT KILLED HIS ASS.

ALL THEM FUCKING LEFT-HANDED TURNS--

THAT'D KILL YOUR ASS SOONER OR LATER.

WHITE FOLK, YOU CAN'T USE "NIGGA" LIKE BLACK FOLK. THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

STOP DEBATING ABOUT IT, STOP ASKING ME WHY.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GODDAMN IS.

AIN'T NO WHY.

WHY CAN BLACK FOLK USE IT AND WHITE FOLK CAN'T USE--

THAT'S THE WAY IT FUCKING IS!

AIN'T NO FUCKING WHY.

YOU EVEN GOT SOME BLACK FOLK TRIPPING ON ME.

"D.C., YOU OUGHT TO STOP USING NIGGA."

WELL, TO ALL THOSE FOLK THAT I'VE OFFENDED,

I'D LIKE TO SAY, "NIGGA, PLEASE."

I DON'T OWE NOBODY NO EXPLANATION FOR USING IT.

BLACK FOLK USE IT. THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

WHITE FOLK CAN'T USE IT LIKE WE USE IT,

THAT'S JUST THE WAY THE SHIT IS.

GET OVER THIS SHIT!

AND SOME SHIT, THE ONLY WAY TO RESPOND TO THE SHIT

IS "NIGGA, PLEASE." YOU CUT OUT A WHOLE LOT OF EXPLANATIONS AND SHIT.

AIN'T GOT TIME TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO YOU.

WHY'S THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIDICULOUS?

JUST SAY, "NIGGA, PLEASE."

COME ON, Y'ALL, SAY IT WITH ME ONE TIME.

- NIGGA-- - All: PLEASE!

COME ON, WHITE FOLK, THIS YOUR CHANCE. NOW COOPERATE!

THAT'S RIGHT. SOMETIMES WHEN SHIT GO DOWN,

THAT'S ALL YOUR ASS CAN SAY.

THOUGH IT SOUND A LITTLE FUCKED UP,

BUT THERE'S NO BETTER EXPLANATION FOR SOME RIDICULOUS SHIT.

WHEN MICHAEL IRVIN GOT CAUGHT

WITH THE CRACK AND THE PIPE IN THE CAR,

HE SAID, "I WANNA HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE.

I GOT AN EXPLANATION RIGHT AWAY."

I WHISPERED TO MYSELF, "NIGGA, WHAT?"

IT SOUND LIKE SOME CRACKHEAD SHIT HERE!

BADDEST RECEIVER THAT EVER LIVED, HIM AND JERRY RICE.

BUT YOU GOT A EXPLANATION OF WHY

THE CRACK AND THE CRACK PIPE WAS UP UNDER YOUR SEAT?

MICHAEL IRVING SAID, "IT WAS THANKSGIVING

AND I WAS FEELING THANKS-GIVEE.

SO I WENT TO PICK UP MY CRACKHEAD BUDDY IN THE 'HOOD,

BROUGHT HIM BACK TO THE MANSION.

BUT BEFORE I TOOK HIM IN,

I SEARCHED HIM TO SEE DID HE HAVE ANY CRACK PARAPHERNALIA ON HIM.

AND I FOUND A CRACK PIPE AND SOME CRACK."

NO! ON A CRACKHEAD? REALLY?

"I TOOK THE SHIT OUT AND HE HID IT UP UNDER THE SEAT

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA TAKE IT IN MY HOUSE AND THROW IT IN THE TRASH

'CAUSE PEOPLE BE GOING THROUGH MY TRASH."

RIGHT THERE I SAID, "NIGGA, WHAT?

NIGGA, PLEASE!"

"THEN THE CRACKHEAD-- BROUGHT HIM BACK OUT THE HOUSE,

PUT HIM IN THE CAR, TOOK HIM HOME,

AND FORGOT THE CRACK AND THE CRACK PIPE

WAS IN MY CAR."

NOW YOU MAY TAKE A CRACKHEAD'S CRACK AND PIPE AND HIDE IT.

YOU MAY DROP THE CRACKHEAD OFF.

YOU MAY FORGET THE CRACK AND THE CRACK PIPE

IS IN YOUR GODDAMN CAR.

BUT YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE

THAT THE CRACKHEAD...

FORGOT THE CRACK AND THE PIPE

WAS UP UNDER YOUR GODDAMN SEAT?

- NIGGA! - All: PLEASE!

I'M D.C. CURRY.

Epps: DON "D.C." CURRY!

RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL!

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU, GOOD NIGHT!

( theme music playing )

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