All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s08e06.eng

( theme music
playing )

Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST,
MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

ARIES SPEARS...

J.J.

AND ARNEZ J.

I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK!
- ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING OUT!

AND LET'S GIVE IT UP
TO THE HOTTEST DJ IN THE LAND--

KID CAPRI!

WELL, Y'ALL LOOK--

THAT'S THEM "CAN'T WAITS"
RIGHT THERE--

"CAN'T WAIT" TILL YOU GET
SOME REAL BRAIDS.

LOOK AT ALL THESE
LITTLE YOUNG NIGGAS SITTING UP IN THE FRONT.

Y'ALL NIGGAS IS OUT
FOR SUMMER SCHOOL, AIN'T YOU?

LITTLE SUMMER SCHOOL
NIGGAS RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
BEAT YOUR KID'S ASS.

THEM NIGGAS NEED
TO BE WHIPPED.

I'LL FUCK YOUR KID UP
FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME TO.

I'LL PAY YOU
TO WHIP HIM FOR ME.

THEM KIDS NEED
AN ASS-WHIPPING, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

MY MOTHER WOULD SEND ME
TO THE STORE ALL THE TIME AND SHIT.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU ALL HAD
TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

A HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING
TIMES A DAY?

"COME, GO TO THE STORE
FOR ME.

COME, GO TO THE STORE
FOR ME. COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME."

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE
ALL THIS SHIT DOWN IN THE MORNING,

AND I'LL GET ALL
THIS SHIT?

KEEP MAKING ME GO
TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORE ALL DAY.

AND THEN,
"GET ME A THING OF THAT COME IN A BIG BLUE--

COME IN A BIG BLUE,
COST $1.89.

COME HERE.
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT TO GET."

TAKE YOU IN THE KITCHEN
AND TEAR ALL THE LABELS OFF THE SHIT.

LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A BANKROLL,
BUT YOU GOT LABELS

IN YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING POCKET.

BIG STACK OF 'EM
IN YOUR POCKET.

TELL YOU TO GET
ALL THAT SHIT

AND THEN SAY,
"AND DON'T GET NOTHING FOR YOURSELF."

SHIT!

I'M GETTING A BUTTERFINGER
OR SOMETHING, GOD DAMN IT, ALL THESE GROCERIES.

I BUY A CANDY BAR LAST
AND TEAR THE RECEIPT OFF--

ON THE BOTTOM PART
AND GIVE IT TO HER.

BOY, ABOUT 10
MINUTES LATER, "COME HERE!"

SHE DONE LAID ALL
THE ITEMS OUT ON THE TABLE.

GOT THE CHANGE ON THERE,
THEN COUNTED EVERYTHING UP.

"THERE'S 75 CENTS
MISSING!"

( imitates
suspenseful music )

"Let me smell
your breath."

( huffs )
"GET UPSTAIRS AND GET NAKED."

YOU UP THERE BUTT NAKED.
SHE ON THE PHONE TELLING PEOPLE,

"I'M ABOUT TO GO UP THERE
AND FUCK HIM UP.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK
IN A MINUTE.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN
I GET THROUGH TEARING HIS ASS UP.

OKAY, BYE-BYE."

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER
TRIED TO TELL YOU TO RUN PAST,

SHE AIN'T GONNA HIT YOU
AND YOU BE SCARED? "RUN PAST HERE."

( moaning )

"GET YOUR ASS PAST HERE."

( moaning )

( screams )

"GET UP THERE
BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP."

YOU ALL READY
FOR THE FIRST COMIC? COME ON.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.

Y'ALL SEEN HIM
ON DEF JAM BEFORE.

STRAIGHT UP OUT OF L.A.
GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.

YOU SEEN HIM ON "MAD TV,"
FOR ARIES SPEARS!

L.A., WHAT'S HAPPENING?

YEAH!

WHERE ARE MY WHITE FOLKS AT?
MAKE SOME NOISE.

( scattered cheering )

Y'ALL SAID, "FUCK IT."
YOU OWN THE BUILDING, SHIT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU,
BEING IN L.A., I BEEN OUT HERE FOR OVER 12 YEARS, MAN,

AND I'M REALLY TRYING
TO DO THIS MOVIE SHIT.

AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE
I'M AT A VERY FRUSTRATING POINT IN MY CAREER.

'CAUSE I'M NOT LIKE
WILL SMITH FAMOUS."

BUT I'M NOT LIKE
URKEL FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S HARD
'CAUSE I HEAR ABOUT ALL THESE ACTORS

THAT GET PAID $20 MILLION
A MOVIE TO ACT,

AND THE KEYWORD IN THAT
IS "ACT."

BUT THEY PAY THIS TO DUDES
WHO NEVER COULD FUCKING ACT.

LIKE HOW DID THEY PAY
STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER $20 MILLION A MOVIE?

PAY THAT TO THE DUDES
WHO DESERVE IT,

LIKE PACINO, DE NIRO,
DENZEL, MORGAN FREEMAN.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
IS ACTORS.

'CAUSE TO THIS DAY,
ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

IS "HEAT" WITH PACINO
AND DE NIRO, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE WATCHING
TWO HEAVYWEIGHT BOXERS GO HEAD-TO-HEAD.

PACINO SITTING
THERE WITH DE NIRO AT THE DINNER TABLE.

THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME.
HE'S BREAKING SHIT DOWN TO HIM.

( imitating Al Pacino )
YOU, SIR, ARE A BAD GUY.

I'M THE POLICE.
IT'S MY JOB

TO STOP GUYS
LIKE YOU MURDERERS, RAPERS, KILLERS.

IT'S WHAT I DO.

THERE MAY COME A TIME
WHEN OUR PATHS CROSS.

I MIGHT HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I'LL DO IT.

KEEPS ME HOT ON MY TOES,
WHERE I GOTTA BE.

( normal voice )
DE NIRO COMES BACK.

( imitating Robert De Niro )
YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIPSIDE TO THAT COIN.

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
JIMMY STAG, ONCE TOLD ME

NEVER GET ATTACHED
TO ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON IN 15 SECONDS FLAT

IF YOU SPOT THE HEAT
COMING AROUND THE CORNER.

AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS
LIKE YOU THAT LIKE GUYS LIKE ME,

'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME HOT
ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE.

NOW PICTURE
THE SAME SCENE

WITH STALLONE
AND SCHWARZENEGGER.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE
ABLE TO UNDERSTAND SHIT.

STALLONE IS DOING PACINO.

( mumbling )

( imitating Schwarzenegger )
"YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FLIPSIDE.

I MIGHT HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I'LL DO IT."

( normal voice )
EVEN DEAF PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT DID HE SAY?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DID HE...?"

THAT'S A HORRIBLE NOISE
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MAKES.

( grunts )

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING
HIS WOMAN FOR HEAD?

( imitating Schwarzenegger )
"MARIA, COME ON, GIMME HEAD,

GO DOWN!

DON'T COME UP FOR AIR.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR EARS.

SWALLOW IT. IT HAS
POTASSIUM AND CALCIUM. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU."

( normal voice )
MY ULTIMATE ACTOR, THOUGH, I WOULD LOVE TO WORK WITH,

I GOTTA SAY IS DENZEL.
THAT IS THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER.

DENZEL
IS THE COOLEST CAT.

DOING IMPRESSIONS,

FELLAS, YOU GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO GET SOME DENZEL IN YOUR LIFE,

'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT GO ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP,

BLACK WOMEN, YOU KNOW,
THEY FEEL IT.

A WOMAN GET READY TO LEAVE YOU,
YOU DO DENZEL, SHE AIN'T GOING NOPLACE.

YOU KNOW,
THE KEY TO DENZEL, YOU GOTTA START WITH THE WALK.

'CAUSE DENZEL GOT ONE
OF THE COLDEST WALKS

IN SHOW BUSINESS,
RIGHT?

THAT NIGGA COME
WITH THAT STRUT AND THAT OVERBITE.

YOUR GIRL START
TALKING SHIT, "BABY, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T RESPECT ME.
YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME, BE BY YOURSELF."

( normal voice )
THAT'S WHEN YOU DO DENZEL.

( mimics Washington )
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH ME.

I PROMISE IF YOU
STAY WITH ME, I'LL LOVE YOU INTERNALLY , EXTERNALLY

AND EVERY OTHER WAY
IMAGINABLE.

( laughs )
EVERYTHING I EVER AM,

EVERYTHING I EVER WILL BE,
I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

YOU ARE MY HEART.
YOU ARE MY FLAME.

YOU ARE MY PHYSICAL,
EVERYTHING THAT I SAY IS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

"BABY, I AIN'T
GOING NOWHERE.

YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN
HOW TO RESPECT..." IT'LL WORK.

SHE SAID
"DO THE WALK AGAIN."

"YOU GONNA GIVE ME
SOME PUSSY?"

I'LL DO DENZEL ALL NIGHT
IF I'M GONNA GET SOME PUSSY.

THE FIRST THING I SAY
IS THE OPENING LINE FROM "TRAINING DAY."

"YOU'RE IN A POSITION
TO LEARN A THING OR TWO.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN
AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

YOU'RE IN A PRIVILEGED
POSITION ALL DAY, HOYT." SHIT.

ANY HIP-HOP FANS HERE,
HIP-HOP?

I'M A BIG HIP-HOP FAN.

I CAME INTO A LITTLE BIT
OF A REVELATION RECENTLY.

I TURNED 31 EARLY APRIL,
AND I'M STARTING TO REALIZE

THAT A LOT OF THIS
HIP-HOP, RAP THING IS FOR KIDS.

IT'S A YOUNG PEOPLE'S
MOVEMENT, YOU KNOW?

AND I KNOW, WE AS ADULTS,
WE TRY TO HANG ON TO OUR YOUTH AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

BUT MY POINT IS,
YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO LET GO,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 36
AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE 15,

YOU LOOK FUCKING STUPID,

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M 31, SO I FIGURE
I GOT ABOUT THREE YEARS LEFT ON MY HIP-HOP CARD

BEFORE I GOTTA
START TUCKING MY SHIRT IN AND TURNING MY HAT AROUND.

BUT I LIKE WHEN RAPPERS
GET TOGETHER AND MAKE GOOD MUSIC

AS OPPOSED
TO KILLING EACH OTHER. IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY,

I'D LIKE TO SEE FOUR
OF MY FAVORITE EMCEES COME TOGETHER

AND MAKE A SONG.
I'D HAVE LL COOL J,

SNOOP DOGG, DMX

AND MY MAN JAY-Z.

I GOTTA SAY,
I'M AMAZED BY JAY-Z.

NOT AT THE FACT THAT
HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.

EVERYBODY KNOW
HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.

HOW THE FUCK
DID HE GET BEYONCE?

'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOW
THAT'S AN UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.

IS IT ME OR DOES THAT NIGGA
LOOK LIKE JOE CAMEL?

AM I THE ONLY ONE
TO SEE THAT SHIT?

HE COULD FINISH CHAPSTICK
IN ONE USE.

BUT LIKE I SAID,
I'D HAVE LL DO THE INTRO,

'CAUSE LL JUST GOT
THAT COOL SUAVE VOICE.

LL SEEM LIKE HE
DON'T EVEN NEED A WOMAN TO BE TURNED ON.

HE CAN JUST STAND
IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, CHEST NAKED

AND TURN HIMSELF ON.

LIKE THE MUSIC
AND SHIT COME ON-- YO, KID, HIT IT.

- ( music playing )
- YO WHAT'S UP, BABY?

THIS IS YOUR MAN,
LL COOL J-- UNH!

AIN'T NOTHING LIKE
WHEN YOU PUT VANILLA ICE CREAM ON YOUR CHEST,

LET IT MELT DOWN
TO YOUR GENITALS.

I GOT MY MAN SNOOP DOGG,
DMX AND JAY-Z IN THE BUILDING.

IT'S ABOUT TO BE
REAL SEXUAL RIGHT NOW,

REAL EROTIC, BABY--
( laughs )

HEY, YO, SNOOP.
HOLLER AT 'EM-- IT'S YOUR MAN, LL.

( mimics Snoop )
YO, ONE-TWO-THREE AND TO THE FOUR,

SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
TAKING CONDOMS OUT THE DOOR.

READY TO GET UP IN YA,
SO BACK ON UP,

GET A CONDOM,
'CAUSE I'M READY TO FUCK, BITCH, WHAT?

HAVING THREE HOS
IS SOME GANGSTA SHIT,

YOU KNOW HOW A DOGG DO
WHEN A GANGSTA PIMP.

WE DON'T SWEAT SHIT,
'CAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN'T BE FADED.

WE JUST SIT BACK
AND DEBATE IT WHILE GETTING OUR HAIR BRAIDED.

NATE DOGG, WARREN G,,
DAZ AND KURUPT,

WE GONNA RAP
TILL WE DIE, THAT'S WHY WE THROW THEM THINGS UP.

FOR SHIZZLE, MY NIZZLE,
IN THE LBC.

YOU KNOW MY NAME'S
SNOOP D-O-DOUBLE G.

YO, IT'S YOUR MAN DMX.
WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT?

WHERE'S MY DAWGS?
HUH?

( growls )

WHAT? YEAH.
WHAT? YEAH.

YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS
ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.

YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS
ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.

WHEN A DAWG STARTS TO BARK,
IT'S FOLLOWED BY THE BITE

THAT'S WHEN YOU
FEEL THE PAIN AND YOU'RE HEADED FOR THE LIGHT.

DON'T GET UPSET, NIGGA.
THAT'S JUST HOW A DAWG DO.

AND I WON'T STOP EATING.
UNTIL A DAWG'S THROUGH.

ARR-- ARF!
I'LL BRING THAT REAL FUCKING STEEL, LADY!

ARR-- ARF!
FOR THAT REAL FUCKING MEAL, BABY!

YO, JAY-Z,
HOLLER AT 'EM!

TALK TO ME MAN,
IT'S YOUR BOY IN THE BUILDING-- HO!

IT'S YOUNG "HOVA."
( chuckles )

IT'S YOUR BOY!
( laughs )

IT'S YOUNG HOVA,
HOMIE-HOMIE, UNH-UNH.

IT'S YOUNG HOVA,
HOMIE, I TOLD YA, THE GAME'S OVER.

I GOT IT LOCKED--
ALL Y'ALL SHOULD STOP.

IT'S THAT STOCK CARTER
PERSONA MADE FOR MARTYR.

THINK YOU GOT IT LOCKED?
DON'T BOTHER-- I'M TAKING THE GAME FARTHER,

I'M ROY WHEN I HIT,
ALLAN I. WHEN I SWITCH,

I'M LIKE IKE TURNER--
HITS WITH LOVE WHEN I'M PISSED.

SHA-BOY!

YO, L.A., THANK YOU.

IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY.

ONE MORE TIME FOR
ARIES SPEARS, Y'ALL. COME ON.

Y'ALL READY
FOR THE NEXT COMEDIAN? COME ON, COME ON!

COMING TO THE STAGE
STRAIGHT UP OUT OF MISSISSIPPI,

GIVE IT UP
FOR MY MAN J.J.!

ALL RIGHT, GO ON AND CUT IT.
I NEED MY TIME.

WHAT UP, L.A.?
HOW YOU ALL DOING? YOU ALL DOING ALL RIGHT?

I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS. I DON'T GET A LOT OF SHOWS LIKE THIS.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY
11 YEARS.

THERE'S MORE FOLKS THAN
ALL OF MY SHOWS COMBINED.

I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS SHIT.

LAST WEEK I DID A SHOW
WITH THREE FOLKS IN MY SHIT.

I JUST SAT DOWN.
WE PLAYED SPADES, NIGGA. I'M LIKE, "FUCK IT!"

"LET'S SEE IF I CAN RUN
THIS BOSTON

ON YOUR ASS REAL QUICK,
GOD DAMN IT."

JUST TRYING TO MAKE
A LITTLE CHANGE REAL QUICK.

I GOT A DAUGHTER
TO TAKE CARE OF. GOT AN 18 YEAR-OLD.

YEAH, I WENT AHEAD
AND GOT MINE OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU KNOW, I'M STILL IN HIGH
SCHOOL. MY MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HER.

BY THE TIME I GET MY SHIT
TOGETHER, SHE AIN'T GONNA NEED MUCH.

YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES
EARLY IN LIFE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN
IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS,

EVERYBODY LIVES BY
THE SAME LITTLE RULES,

SAME LITTLE CREED
WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS.

EVERYBODY WANTS THEIR CHILD'S
LIFE TO GO A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHAT THEIR'S GO.

SO I'M ALWAYS SITTING
MY DAUGHTER DOWN.

WE TALK ABOUT LIFE.
WE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME
SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE.

THAT'S GOOD.
SAID ONE DAY SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS.

THAT MEANS SEX
IS INVOLVED.

MY BIGGEST FEAR AS
A PARENT, NOW ESPECIALLY AS A FATHER,

I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO GROW UP

AND BE
NO GODDAMN FREAK.

THAT'S THE TYPE OF SHIT
I BE HOME THINKING ABOUT.

I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO BE LABELED

AS NO GODDAMN FREAK.

DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO BE AT A CLUB, AND NIGGAS BE AT THE CLUB, TALKING,

"THERE SHE GO
RIGHT THERE."

I DO NOT
WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE THAT GIRL.

SO I SAT MY DAUGHTER DOWN
ONE DAY.

I SAID, "BABY, I HEARD
YOU SAY YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE SEX.

I KNOW THIS MAY BE
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

BUT THEM FIRST COUPLE
OF TIMES YOU DO IT,

I'M GONNA BE THERE.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE
THINGS GO STRAIGHT.

THAT'S ALL
I'M DAMN SAYING.

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE
IN THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES

UP IN THERE JUST TRYING
TO DO MY DAUGHTER ALL LIKE THAT.

SHE'S NOT READY
FOR THAT TYPE OF PRESSURE.

YOU AIN'T JUST GONNA DICK
MY DAUGHTER DOWN, NIGGA.

SO I SAID,
"BABY, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN Y'ALL GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE,
AND Y'ALL GO AHEAD."

"HOW YOU FEEL, BABY?"

"YEAH, YOU'RE
A LITTLE CONFUSED? I KNOW. I KNOW.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT HIM."

"PUT MY DAUGHTER'S LEGS DOWN,
NIGGA. SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT YET."

I APPRECIATE THESE FEW
LITTLE GIGGLES

Y'ALL GIVING A BROTHER,
GOD DAMN IT.

JUST FOLLOWING ONE
OF MY LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE AN ENTERTAINER.

I HAD THREE LITTLE
BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I WANTED TO BE
A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL.

WANTED TO BE
A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE GODDAMN NFL.

BUT I WENT OUT FOR A PASS
IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND GOT HIT
SO GODDAMN HARD,

I DIDN'T EVEN TELL
MY COACH I WAS QUITTING. I JUST WALKED OFF.

HE'S LIKE,
"WHERE YOU GOING?"

LIKE, I'M GONNA JOIN
THE BAND, GOD DAMN IT.

I AIN'T FIXIN'
TO GET HIT LIKE THAT.

DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT
NO GODDAMN MORE.

I AIN'T SEE YOU COMING,
EITHER. DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT,

NO GODDAMN MORE.
PULL MY FLAG, TOUCH ME. I'LL STOP RIGHT THERE, NIGGA.

DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT
NO GODDAMN MORE.

THAT'S JUST ONE
OF MY BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
ANOTHER BOYHOOD DREAM OF MINE.

AND THIS SOME STRAIGHT
O.G., BLACK,

BLACK GHETTO SHIT
TO THE THIRD POWER RIGHT HERE.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
ON THE HAIRCUT CHART

IN THE BARBERSHOP,
NIGGA.

NIGGA,
THE HAIRCUT CHART.

I'M LIKE, "WHO IN THE HELL
GOT TO CUT MY HAIR

FOR ME TO BE ON THE DAMN
HAIRCUT CHART, NIGGA"?

JUST ONE YEAR I JUST WANNA
WALK IN THE BARBERSHOP.

I JUST SEE MYSELF.
I'M "NUMBER 9" IN THAT PICTURE...

I'M LIKE, "YEAH,
LET ME GET ONE OF THEM NUMBER 9'S.

I LIKE HOW HIS SHIT'S
FADED IN RIGHT THERE. I LIKE THAT."

JUST HAVING FUN
WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT. I GOT TWO KIDS.

I GOT A SON AT HOME,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I GOT MY FIRST
NEWBORN AT HOME.

GOT A SON RIGHT
AT THE CRIB WAITING ON ME RIGHT NOW.

FINALLY
GOT A DAMN SON.

I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D BE THAT CLOSE TO ANOTHER MAN'S DICK,

BUT I GOT TO BATHE HIM.
I'M GONNA BUMP INTO IT SOMETIME.

HE'LL PEE ON ME,
I WON'T EVEN GET MAD.

I'LL BE LIKE,
"YOU JUST PEE ON YOUR DADDY.

YOU JUST PEE ON..."

THEM DAMN DIAPERS
SO DAMN EXPENSIVE.

I'M PUTTING PAPER TOWELS
AROUND HIS ASS.

USING BOUNCE,
THE QUICKER PICKER-UPPERS.

WHERE ARE MY SINGLE LADIES?
SOME SINGLE LADIES IN THIS THING TONIGHT?

LADIES, YOU ALL NEED
TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS JUST A LITTLE BIT.

Y'ALL DONE TOOK
THIS "BALLING" SHIT TOO GODDAMN FAR.

EVERYBODY ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR A BALLER.

I AM NOT A BALLER.
I KNOW HOW TO SAVE MONEY.

I PAY FOR A CONCERT
IN PENNIES UNWRAPPED.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
HOW LONG THE LINE IS, DAMN IT.

I GO STRAIGHT THERE
WITH A SHIRT FULL OF THEM.

"HOLD ON...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT...

NINE, 10, 11, 12, 13--

HOW MUCH YOU SAY,
$84.50?

WHERE I WAS, 13 OR 14?
YOU REMEMBER?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
I'LL BE GOD DAMNED.

GOTTA START ALL OVER
THIS BITCH.

FOLKS BE IN LINE MAD--
"WELL, COME HELP ME PUT 'EM IN FILES THEN.

I WON'T BE UP HERE
ALL GODDAMN DAY, NIGGA."

JUST HAVING FUN
WITH MY LIFE WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT.

'CAUSE I'M ONE BROTHER
IN THIS WORLD THAT DON'T WANNA DIE.

I'M AFRAID TO GO.
I'M FINE RIGHT HERE.

I AIN'T GOT TO GO
TO HEAVEN NOR HELL. I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.

I KNOW THEY SAY IT'S
BETTER IN HEAVEN,

BUT I'M FINE
RIGHT HERE, THOUGH.

I AIN'T GOT TO GO
UP THERE. I DON'T WANNA WEAR WHITE EVERY DAY.

I'M FINE
RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.

I DON'T NEED NO WINGS.
I DON'T MIND WALKING.

I'M FINE RIGHT
GODDAMN HERE.

L.A., I HOPE YOU ALL
ENJOYED THE BROTHER, MAN. I'M J.J., MAN.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I APPRECIATE IT!

YEAH!

I JUST WANT
TO TELL YOU ALL, MAN.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE
A LITTLE TIME OUT

AND THANK SOMEBODY
WHO IS VERY, VERY PINNACLE IN MY LIFE

AND ALL OF THESE
OTHER COMEDIANS OUT HERE, MAN.

SOMEBODY WHO PAVED THE WAY--
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT

FOR ME NOT TO MENTION
HIS NAME,

BUT HE MADE
"DEF COMEDY JAM" POSSIBLE.

AND LET'S GIVE
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR RICHARD PRYOR, Y'ALL.

LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR RICHARD PRYOR.

LOVE YOU, RICH.

HE...
I MEAN, FOR REAL, HE INSPIRED ME.

Y'ALL SEE I GOT
MY PENITENTIARY SHIT ON RIGHT HERE.

I WENT
TO PRISON IN 1989.

I GOT THE PICTURE
WHEN I WENT,

AND I GOT MY
"NOW" PICTURE ON THERE

TO LET THESE BITCHES KNOW

THAT IT CAN HAPPEN,
THAT GOD IS REAL,

IN THE FLESH.

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT OUT
OF THE ATL-- ARNEZ J.!

( laughing )

YEAH.

Y'ALL GOT ME.

WHOO!

Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE
A NIGGA CRY. Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE ME CRY.

I'M GONNA GET
THIS SHOW STARTED.

I'M JUST HAVING FUN
RIGHT NOW.

I THINK, YOU KNOW--
I GOTTA SAY THIS.

I THINK WE DONE FINALLY
PISSED GOD OFF.

IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
WE HAVE NEVER SEEN

THE DEVASTATION
THAT WE HAVE SEEN.

YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMAMA
WOULD SAY, "WELL, GOD IS ON HIS WAY BACK"?

WHETHER YOU
BELIEVE IN JESUS OR NOT, IT REALLY DON'T MATTER,

'CAUSE HE'S ON HIS WAY,
AND, WHITE PEOPLE, THIS GO FOR Y'ALL,

Y'ALL KNOW THE TSUNAMIS?

WE AIN'T SEEN NOTHING
LIKE THAT EVER.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE,
LOOK HERE, DO ME A FAVOR,

IF YOU SEE WATER COMING
AT YOU THAT IS TALLER THAN THE BUILDING,

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS,
"MY GOD!"

DO SOMETHING.

LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW A NIGGA DO IT.

"NIGGA, WHAT'S THAT
COMING DOWN...?

MAN, COME HERE, NIGGA.

UH-UH, I KNOW...
OH, HELL!"

AND YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL
ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL
ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.

'CAUSE WHEN THAT
FIRST NIGGA TAKE OFF,

THAT OTHER BROTHER
RIGHT BEHIND HIM-- "NIGGA, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"

NOW LET'S SAY THERE'S
TWO WHITE DUDES STANDING THERE.

I'M TELLING YOU,
ONE OF THEM TAKE OFF,

LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT THE OTHER ONE DO.

"PAUL! PAUL!

HEY WHERE--
PAUL!"

"PAUL, WHERE YOU GOING?

GOD, HE JUST TAKES OFF.
YOU HEAR THAT ROAR?"

BUT I WANNA SAY THESE
TWO THINGS BEFORE I GO.

FIRST OF ALL,
Y'ALL A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, BUT I DO WANNA SAY THIS.

WE GOT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER,
AND I GOTTA SAY THIS TO MY BLACK MEN

MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

YOU NEED TO GO
TO THE DOCTOR. WE GOT A PROBLEM.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR
AND GETTING CHECKED OUT.

TOO MANY OF US ARE DYING
FROM COLON CANCER.

I WENT,
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW...

YEAH, I WENT
AND HAD A COLONOSCOPY.

IT'S GONNA HURT.
IT'S GONNA HURT.

OKAY, WHAT THEY DO
IS THEY PUT A POLE--

IT FELT LIKE IT WAS
ABOUT THAT LONG.

ALL I KNOW IS THEY
TREATED ME LIKE A RAPE VICTIM.

THEY THREW A SHEET OVER
ME WHEN THEY WERE DONE, TALKING ABOUT "GET DRESSED."

I'M LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GONNA
CALL A NIGGA NO MORE? WHAT'S UP?

SO THEN THEY WANT YOU

TO LAY ON THE BED
LIKE THIS.

I'M A GROWN MAN.
I GOT NO BUSINESS LAYING LIKE THIS.

THEN THEY TAKE THIS ROD.
THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA PUT IT

UP IN YOUR RECTUM
AND PUT AIR UP IN IT.

HE SAID, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BOOTY." I SAID, "WAIT, DAWG.

WAIT, LET A NIGGA GET READY.
WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU AIN'T GONNA
KNOCK ME OUT OR NOTHING?

YOU JUST GONNA
'BROKEBACK' ME WHILE I'M UP, NIGGA?"

AND I DON'T CARE
HOW MUCH OF A MAN YOU THINK YOU ARE,

WHEN YOU GOT ANOTHER MAN
STANDING BEHIND YOU WITH A ROD,

OH, THE GAY
GONNA COME OUT.

NOW HE PUT IT UP IN,
I'M LIKE... "OH!" ( grunting )

( laughs )

ALL I WAS SAYING WAS,
"LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD, PLEASE.

PLEASE DON'T LET
MY DICK GET HARD.

I'M A MAN.

I'M A MAN!"

I SAID, "PLEASE KEEP IT SOFT
LIKE RUBBER, LORD, PLEASE."

HE SAID, "YOU'RE GONNA
FEEL A LITTLE PRESSURE ON YOUR STOMACH."

I SAID, "THAT'S COOL,
BUT YOU GOT IT IN MY HEART.

TAKE IT OUT,
PLEASE, TAKE IT OUT." SO HE PULLED IT OUT.

HE SAID, "OOPS."
"OOPS?

WAIT A MINUTE, DAWG.
THAT'S MY BOOTY HOLE. WHAT YOU MEAN, 'OOPS?'"

HE SAID, "WE LEFT
TOO MUCH AIR UP THERE." "YOU LEFT TOO MUCH AIR!"

I SAID, "WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN? IS A BUBBLE GONNA GO AND MY BRAIN GONNA POP?"

HE SAID, "NO, MR. J.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IS YOU'RE GONNA PASS GAS.

AND YOU'RE
GONNA GET RID OF IT." I SAID, "OKAY, I'M COOL.

I CAN DEAL WITH THAT."
BUT SEE...

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU
WHEN YOU WAS GONNA PASS GAS.

AND THAT YOU WOULD NOT
BE ABLE TO STOP IT.

NIGGA, I AM
ON THE ELEVATOR.

THESE SISTERS GET ON.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

SHE'S LIKE,
"HOW YOU DOING? "

I'M LIKE...
"PRR-RRT!

OH, MY GOD--
PRR-RRT!"

I TRIED TO SUCK IT UP.
TRIED TO STOP IT.

MY BOOTY WAS LIKE,
"NO!"

"PRR-RRT!"

I DIDN'T KNOW IT
TOOK TWO DAYS FOR YOUR BOOTY HOLE TO CLOSE, EITHER.

I DIDN'T.
I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET--

"WHOO-OOT!"

MY FRIEND WAS LIKE,
"WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" I'M LIKE, "NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW."

"WHOO-OOT!"

HE SAID, "IS YOUR
BOOTY HOLE LEAKING?"

I TRIED TO SIT DOWN
IN A CAR--

( hisses )
"TSS-SS!"

SO I'M JUST SAYING
GO GET IT CHECKED OUT.

AND BEFORE I GO,
I JUST WANNA SAY THIS--

WHO ARE THE MOST FUNNIEST
PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES?

UNCLES ARE THE FUNNIEST
PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GETTING READY TO HAPPEN.

THIS IS A TRIBUTE...

Y'ALL KNOW
THAT'S SEXY, NIGGA.

Y'ALL KNOW
THAT IS SEXY!

NOW...

NOW I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE,

BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY BLACK
AND LATINO GOT AN UNCLE IN THEIR FAMILIES

SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE
THAT DRESS JUST LIKE THIS.

NIPPLES RIGHT
TO THE BELT LOOP...

AND GOT THAT ONE
LITTLE NUT THAT HANG ON THE SIDE

AND GOT THAT LITTLE
UNDERBELLY RIGHT THERE.

AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE'S
ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL NIGGAS,

YOU KNOW, THEY START
LOOKING FOR THEIR...

"THERE IT IS, NIGGA."

SO WAIT A MINUTE.

AND OLD-SCHOOL CATS
THINK

THEY ARE THE BEST DANCERS
IN THE WORLD.

MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS LIKE,
"WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT THAT."

NOW I GOTTA SHOW YOU
HOW LAST YEAR I HAD TO GO TO MY FAMILY REUNION.

AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE
WAS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING SOME FISH.

AND ALL MY AUNTIES
ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM DANCING.

THEY START GETTING
THAT LITTLE BOOTY DANCE WHEN THEY START DANCING.

THEY BE LIKE,
"OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GO ON NOW."

NOW MY UNCLE CHARLIE
WAS IN THE KITCHEN AND HEARD THIS SONG,

CAME OUT AND LOST
HIS LIVING MIND.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU
WHEN HE PLAYED THIS SONG,

FIRST OF ALL,
HE WAS IN THE KITCHEN.

- HE JUST KEPT HEARING
THIS MUSIC. - ( funk music playing )

"WHAT YOU ALL DOING
OUT HERE?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

AW, WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT CHARLIE, NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE-- AH!

NOW Y'ALL DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE NOW."

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE."

MY NAME IS ARNEZ.
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

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