Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

ARIES SPEARS...

J.J.

AND ARNEZ J.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK! - ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT!

AND LET'S GIVE IT UP TO THE HOTTEST DJ IN THE LAND--

KID CAPRI!

WELL, Y'ALL LOOK--

THAT'S THEM "CAN'T WAITS" RIGHT THERE--

"CAN'T WAIT" TILL YOU GET SOME REAL BRAIDS.

LOOK AT ALL THESE LITTLE YOUNG NIGGAS SITTING UP IN THE FRONT.

Y'ALL NIGGAS IS OUT FOR SUMMER SCHOOL, AIN'T YOU?

LITTLE SUMMER SCHOOL NIGGAS RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT. BEAT YOUR KID'S ASS.

THEM NIGGAS NEED TO BE WHIPPED.

I'LL FUCK YOUR KID UP FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME TO.

I'LL PAY YOU TO WHIP HIM FOR ME.

THEM KIDS NEED AN ASS-WHIPPING, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

MY MOTHER WOULD SEND ME TO THE STORE ALL THE TIME AND SHIT.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU ALL HAD TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

A HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING TIMES A DAY?

"COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME.

COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME. COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME."

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ALL THIS SHIT DOWN IN THE MORNING,

AND I'LL GET ALL THIS SHIT?

KEEP MAKING ME GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORE ALL DAY.

AND THEN, "GET ME A THING OF THAT COME IN A BIG BLUE--

COME IN A BIG BLUE, COST $1.89.

COME HERE. I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT TO GET."

TAKE YOU IN THE KITCHEN AND TEAR ALL THE LABELS OFF THE SHIT.

LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A BANKROLL, BUT YOU GOT LABELS

IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING POCKET.

BIG STACK OF 'EM IN YOUR POCKET.

TELL YOU TO GET ALL THAT SHIT

AND THEN SAY, "AND DON'T GET NOTHING FOR YOURSELF."

SHIT!

I'M GETTING A BUTTERFINGER OR SOMETHING, GOD DAMN IT, ALL THESE GROCERIES.

I BUY A CANDY BAR LAST AND TEAR THE RECEIPT OFF--

ON THE BOTTOM PART AND GIVE IT TO HER.

BOY, ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, "COME HERE!"

SHE DONE LAID ALL THE ITEMS OUT ON THE TABLE.

GOT THE CHANGE ON THERE, THEN COUNTED EVERYTHING UP.

"THERE'S 75 CENTS MISSING!"

( imitates suspenseful music )

"Let me smell your breath."

( huffs ) "GET UPSTAIRS AND GET NAKED."

YOU UP THERE BUTT NAKED. SHE ON THE PHONE TELLING PEOPLE,

"I'M ABOUT TO GO UP THERE AND FUCK HIM UP.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN A MINUTE.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET THROUGH TEARING HIS ASS UP.

OKAY, BYE-BYE."

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER TRIED TO TELL YOU TO RUN PAST,

SHE AIN'T GONNA HIT YOU AND YOU BE SCARED? "RUN PAST HERE."

( moaning )

"GET YOUR ASS PAST HERE."

( moaning )

( screams )

"GET UP THERE BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP."

YOU ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC? COME ON.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.

Y'ALL SEEN HIM ON DEF JAM BEFORE.

STRAIGHT UP OUT OF L.A. GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.

YOU SEEN HIM ON "MAD TV," FOR ARIES SPEARS!

L.A., WHAT'S HAPPENING?

YEAH!

WHERE ARE MY WHITE FOLKS AT? MAKE SOME NOISE.

( scattered cheering )

Y'ALL SAID, "FUCK IT." YOU OWN THE BUILDING, SHIT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU, BEING IN L.A., I BEEN OUT HERE FOR OVER 12 YEARS, MAN,

AND I'M REALLY TRYING TO DO THIS MOVIE SHIT.

AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I'M AT A VERY FRUSTRATING POINT IN MY CAREER.

'CAUSE I'M NOT LIKE WILL SMITH FAMOUS."

BUT I'M NOT LIKE URKEL FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I HEAR ABOUT ALL THESE ACTORS

THAT GET PAID $20 MILLION A MOVIE TO ACT,

AND THE KEYWORD IN THAT IS "ACT."

BUT THEY PAY THIS TO DUDES WHO NEVER COULD FUCKING ACT.

LIKE HOW DID THEY PAY STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER $20 MILLION A MOVIE?

PAY THAT TO THE DUDES WHO DESERVE IT,

LIKE PACINO, DE NIRO, DENZEL, MORGAN FREEMAN.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS IS ACTORS.

'CAUSE TO THIS DAY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

IS "HEAT" WITH PACINO AND DE NIRO, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE WATCHING TWO HEAVYWEIGHT BOXERS GO HEAD-TO-HEAD.

PACINO SITTING THERE WITH DE NIRO AT THE DINNER TABLE.

THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE'S BREAKING SHIT DOWN TO HIM.

( imitating Al Pacino ) YOU, SIR, ARE A BAD GUY.

I'M THE POLICE. IT'S MY JOB

TO STOP GUYS LIKE YOU MURDERERS, RAPERS, KILLERS.

IT'S WHAT I DO.

THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN OUR PATHS CROSS.

I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT.

KEEPS ME HOT ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE.

( normal voice ) DE NIRO COMES BACK.

( imitating Robert De Niro ) YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIPSIDE TO THAT COIN.

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, JIMMY STAG, ONCE TOLD ME

NEVER GET ATTACHED TO ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON IN 15 SECONDS FLAT

IF YOU SPOT THE HEAT COMING AROUND THE CORNER.

AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS LIKE YOU THAT LIKE GUYS LIKE ME,

'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME HOT ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE.

NOW PICTURE THE SAME SCENE

WITH STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND SHIT.

STALLONE IS DOING PACINO.

( mumbling )

( imitating Schwarzenegger ) "YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FLIPSIDE.

I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT."

( normal voice ) EVEN DEAF PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT DID HE SAY?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID HE...?"

THAT'S A HORRIBLE NOISE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MAKES.

( grunts )

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING HIS WOMAN FOR HEAD?

( imitating Schwarzenegger ) "MARIA, COME ON, GIMME HEAD,

GO DOWN!

DON'T COME UP FOR AIR. BREATHE THROUGH YOUR EARS.

SWALLOW IT. IT HAS POTASSIUM AND CALCIUM. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU."

( normal voice ) MY ULTIMATE ACTOR, THOUGH, I WOULD LOVE TO WORK WITH,

I GOTTA SAY IS DENZEL. THAT IS THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER.

DENZEL IS THE COOLEST CAT.

DOING IMPRESSIONS,

FELLAS, YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO GET SOME DENZEL IN YOUR LIFE,

'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT GO ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP,

BLACK WOMEN, YOU KNOW, THEY FEEL IT.

A WOMAN GET READY TO LEAVE YOU, YOU DO DENZEL, SHE AIN'T GOING NOPLACE.

YOU KNOW, THE KEY TO DENZEL, YOU GOTTA START WITH THE WALK.

'CAUSE DENZEL GOT ONE OF THE COLDEST WALKS

IN SHOW BUSINESS, RIGHT?

THAT NIGGA COME WITH THAT STRUT AND THAT OVERBITE.

YOUR GIRL START TALKING SHIT, "BABY, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T RESPECT ME. YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME, BE BY YOURSELF."

( normal voice ) THAT'S WHEN YOU DO DENZEL.

( mimics Washington ) "I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH ME.

I PROMISE IF YOU STAY WITH ME, I'LL LOVE YOU INTERNALLY , EXTERNALLY

AND EVERY OTHER WAY IMAGINABLE.

( laughs ) EVERYTHING I EVER AM,

EVERYTHING I EVER WILL BE, I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

YOU ARE MY HEART. YOU ARE MY FLAME.

YOU ARE MY PHYSICAL, EVERYTHING THAT I SAY IS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

"BABY, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RESPECT..." IT'LL WORK.

SHE SAID "DO THE WALK AGAIN."

"YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME PUSSY?"

I'LL DO DENZEL ALL NIGHT IF I'M GONNA GET SOME PUSSY.

THE FIRST THING I SAY IS THE OPENING LINE FROM "TRAINING DAY."

"YOU'RE IN A POSITION TO LEARN A THING OR TWO.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

YOU'RE IN A PRIVILEGED POSITION ALL DAY, HOYT." SHIT.

ANY HIP-HOP FANS HERE, HIP-HOP?

I'M A BIG HIP-HOP FAN.

I CAME INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A REVELATION RECENTLY.

I TURNED 31 EARLY APRIL, AND I'M STARTING TO REALIZE

THAT A LOT OF THIS HIP-HOP, RAP THING IS FOR KIDS.

IT'S A YOUNG PEOPLE'S MOVEMENT, YOU KNOW?

AND I KNOW, WE AS ADULTS, WE TRY TO HANG ON TO OUR YOUTH AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

BUT MY POINT IS, YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO LET GO,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 36 AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE 15,

YOU LOOK FUCKING STUPID,

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M 31, SO I FIGURE I GOT ABOUT THREE YEARS LEFT ON MY HIP-HOP CARD

BEFORE I GOTTA START TUCKING MY SHIRT IN AND TURNING MY HAT AROUND.

BUT I LIKE WHEN RAPPERS GET TOGETHER AND MAKE GOOD MUSIC

AS OPPOSED TO KILLING EACH OTHER. IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY,

I'D LIKE TO SEE FOUR OF MY FAVORITE EMCEES COME TOGETHER

AND MAKE A SONG. I'D HAVE LL COOL J,

SNOOP DOGG, DMX

AND MY MAN JAY-Z.

I GOTTA SAY, I'M AMAZED BY JAY-Z.

NOT AT THE FACT THAT HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.

EVERYBODY KNOW HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.

HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET BEYONCE?

'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOW THAT'S AN UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.

IS IT ME OR DOES THAT NIGGA LOOK LIKE JOE CAMEL?

AM I THE ONLY ONE TO SEE THAT SHIT?

HE COULD FINISH CHAPSTICK IN ONE USE.

BUT LIKE I SAID, I'D HAVE LL DO THE INTRO,

'CAUSE LL JUST GOT THAT COOL SUAVE VOICE.

LL SEEM LIKE HE DON'T EVEN NEED A WOMAN TO BE TURNED ON.

HE CAN JUST STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, CHEST NAKED

AND TURN HIMSELF ON.

LIKE THE MUSIC AND SHIT COME ON-- YO, KID, HIT IT.

- ( music playing ) - YO WHAT'S UP, BABY?

THIS IS YOUR MAN, LL COOL J-- UNH!

AIN'T NOTHING LIKE WHEN YOU PUT VANILLA ICE CREAM ON YOUR CHEST,

LET IT MELT DOWN TO YOUR GENITALS.

I GOT MY MAN SNOOP DOGG, DMX AND JAY-Z IN THE BUILDING.

IT'S ABOUT TO BE REAL SEXUAL RIGHT NOW,

REAL EROTIC, BABY-- ( laughs )

HEY, YO, SNOOP. HOLLER AT 'EM-- IT'S YOUR MAN, LL.

( mimics Snoop ) YO, ONE-TWO-THREE AND TO THE FOUR,

SNOOP DOGGY DOGG TAKING CONDOMS OUT THE DOOR.

READY TO GET UP IN YA, SO BACK ON UP,

GET A CONDOM, 'CAUSE I'M READY TO FUCK, BITCH, WHAT?

HAVING THREE HOS IS SOME GANGSTA SHIT,

YOU KNOW HOW A DOGG DO WHEN A GANGSTA PIMP.

WE DON'T SWEAT SHIT, 'CAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN'T BE FADED.

WE JUST SIT BACK AND DEBATE IT WHILE GETTING OUR HAIR BRAIDED.

NATE DOGG, WARREN G,, DAZ AND KURUPT,

WE GONNA RAP TILL WE DIE, THAT'S WHY WE THROW THEM THINGS UP.

FOR SHIZZLE, MY NIZZLE, IN THE LBC.

YOU KNOW MY NAME'S SNOOP D-O-DOUBLE G.

YO, IT'S YOUR MAN DMX. WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT?

WHERE'S MY DAWGS? HUH?

( growls )

WHAT? YEAH. WHAT? YEAH.

YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.

YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.

WHEN A DAWG STARTS TO BARK, IT'S FOLLOWED BY THE BITE

THAT'S WHEN YOU FEEL THE PAIN AND YOU'RE HEADED FOR THE LIGHT.

DON'T GET UPSET, NIGGA. THAT'S JUST HOW A DAWG DO.

AND I WON'T STOP EATING. UNTIL A DAWG'S THROUGH.

ARR-- ARF! I'LL BRING THAT REAL FUCKING STEEL, LADY!

ARR-- ARF! FOR THAT REAL FUCKING MEAL, BABY!

YO, JAY-Z, HOLLER AT 'EM!

TALK TO ME MAN, IT'S YOUR BOY IN THE BUILDING-- HO!

IT'S YOUNG "HOVA." ( chuckles )

IT'S YOUR BOY! ( laughs )

IT'S YOUNG HOVA, HOMIE-HOMIE, UNH-UNH.

IT'S YOUNG HOVA, HOMIE, I TOLD YA, THE GAME'S OVER.

I GOT IT LOCKED-- ALL Y'ALL SHOULD STOP.

IT'S THAT STOCK CARTER PERSONA MADE FOR MARTYR.

THINK YOU GOT IT LOCKED? DON'T BOTHER-- I'M TAKING THE GAME FARTHER,

I'M ROY WHEN I HIT, ALLAN I. WHEN I SWITCH,

I'M LIKE IKE TURNER-- HITS WITH LOVE WHEN I'M PISSED.

SHA-BOY!

YO, L.A., THANK YOU.

IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY.

ONE MORE TIME FOR ARIES SPEARS, Y'ALL. COME ON.

Y'ALL READY FOR THE NEXT COMEDIAN? COME ON, COME ON!

COMING TO THE STAGE STRAIGHT UP OUT OF MISSISSIPPI,

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN J.J.!

ALL RIGHT, GO ON AND CUT IT. I NEED MY TIME.

WHAT UP, L.A.? HOW YOU ALL DOING? YOU ALL DOING ALL RIGHT?

I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. I DON'T GET A LOT OF SHOWS LIKE THIS.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY 11 YEARS.

THERE'S MORE FOLKS THAN ALL OF MY SHOWS COMBINED.

I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS SHIT.

LAST WEEK I DID A SHOW WITH THREE FOLKS IN MY SHIT.

I JUST SAT DOWN. WE PLAYED SPADES, NIGGA. I'M LIKE, "FUCK IT!"

"LET'S SEE IF I CAN RUN THIS BOSTON

ON YOUR ASS REAL QUICK, GOD DAMN IT."

JUST TRYING TO MAKE A LITTLE CHANGE REAL QUICK.

I GOT A DAUGHTER TO TAKE CARE OF. GOT AN 18 YEAR-OLD.

YEAH, I WENT AHEAD AND GOT MINE OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU KNOW, I'M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL. MY MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HER.

BY THE TIME I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, SHE AIN'T GONNA NEED MUCH.

YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES EARLY IN LIFE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS,

EVERYBODY LIVES BY THE SAME LITTLE RULES,

SAME LITTLE CREED WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS.

EVERYBODY WANTS THEIR CHILD'S LIFE TO GO A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHAT THEIR'S GO.

SO I'M ALWAYS SITTING MY DAUGHTER DOWN.

WE TALK ABOUT LIFE. WE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE.

THAT'S GOOD. SAID ONE DAY SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS.

THAT MEANS SEX IS INVOLVED.

MY BIGGEST FEAR AS A PARENT, NOW ESPECIALLY AS A FATHER,

I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GROW UP

AND BE NO GODDAMN FREAK.

THAT'S THE TYPE OF SHIT I BE HOME THINKING ABOUT.

I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE LABELED

AS NO GODDAMN FREAK.

DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE AT A CLUB, AND NIGGAS BE AT THE CLUB, TALKING,

"THERE SHE GO RIGHT THERE."

I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE THAT GIRL.

SO I SAT MY DAUGHTER DOWN ONE DAY.

I SAID, "BABY, I HEARD YOU SAY YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE SEX.

I KNOW THIS MAY BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

BUT THEM FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES YOU DO IT,

I'M GONNA BE THERE.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE THINGS GO STRAIGHT.

THAT'S ALL I'M DAMN SAYING.

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE IN THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES

UP IN THERE JUST TRYING TO DO MY DAUGHTER ALL LIKE THAT.

SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT TYPE OF PRESSURE.

YOU AIN'T JUST GONNA DICK MY DAUGHTER DOWN, NIGGA.

SO I SAID, "BABY, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN Y'ALL GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE, AND Y'ALL GO AHEAD."

"HOW YOU FEEL, BABY?"

"YEAH, YOU'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED? I KNOW. I KNOW.

DON'T LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT HIM."

"PUT MY DAUGHTER'S LEGS DOWN, NIGGA. SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT YET."

I APPRECIATE THESE FEW LITTLE GIGGLES

Y'ALL GIVING A BROTHER, GOD DAMN IT.

JUST FOLLOWING ONE OF MY LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN ENTERTAINER.

I HAD THREE LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I WANTED TO BE A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL.

WANTED TO BE A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE GODDAMN NFL.

BUT I WENT OUT FOR A PASS IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND GOT HIT SO GODDAMN HARD,

I DIDN'T EVEN TELL MY COACH I WAS QUITTING. I JUST WALKED OFF.

HE'S LIKE, "WHERE YOU GOING?"

LIKE, I'M GONNA JOIN THE BAND, GOD DAMN IT.

I AIN'T FIXIN' TO GET HIT LIKE THAT.

DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT NO GODDAMN MORE.

I AIN'T SEE YOU COMING, EITHER. DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT,

NO GODDAMN MORE. PULL MY FLAG, TOUCH ME. I'LL STOP RIGHT THERE, NIGGA.

DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT NO GODDAMN MORE.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF MY BOYHOOD DREAMS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU ANOTHER BOYHOOD DREAM OF MINE.

AND THIS SOME STRAIGHT O.G., BLACK,

BLACK GHETTO SHIT TO THE THIRD POWER RIGHT HERE.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON THE HAIRCUT CHART

IN THE BARBERSHOP, NIGGA.

NIGGA, THE HAIRCUT CHART.

I'M LIKE, "WHO IN THE HELL GOT TO CUT MY HAIR

FOR ME TO BE ON THE DAMN HAIRCUT CHART, NIGGA"?

JUST ONE YEAR I JUST WANNA WALK IN THE BARBERSHOP.

I JUST SEE MYSELF. I'M "NUMBER 9" IN THAT PICTURE...

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET ONE OF THEM NUMBER 9'S.

I LIKE HOW HIS SHIT'S FADED IN RIGHT THERE. I LIKE THAT."

JUST HAVING FUN WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT. I GOT TWO KIDS.

I GOT A SON AT HOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I GOT MY FIRST NEWBORN AT HOME.

GOT A SON RIGHT AT THE CRIB WAITING ON ME RIGHT NOW.

FINALLY GOT A DAMN SON.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE THAT CLOSE TO ANOTHER MAN'S DICK,

BUT I GOT TO BATHE HIM. I'M GONNA BUMP INTO IT SOMETIME.

HE'LL PEE ON ME, I WON'T EVEN GET MAD.

I'LL BE LIKE, "YOU JUST PEE ON YOUR DADDY.

YOU JUST PEE ON..."

THEM DAMN DIAPERS SO DAMN EXPENSIVE.

I'M PUTTING PAPER TOWELS AROUND HIS ASS.

USING BOUNCE, THE QUICKER PICKER-UPPERS.

WHERE ARE MY SINGLE LADIES? SOME SINGLE LADIES IN THIS THING TONIGHT?

LADIES, YOU ALL NEED TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS JUST A LITTLE BIT.

Y'ALL DONE TOOK THIS "BALLING" SHIT TOO GODDAMN FAR.

EVERYBODY ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A BALLER.

I AM NOT A BALLER. I KNOW HOW TO SAVE MONEY.

I PAY FOR A CONCERT IN PENNIES UNWRAPPED.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW LONG THE LINE IS, DAMN IT.

I GO STRAIGHT THERE WITH A SHIRT FULL OF THEM.

"HOLD ON...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT...

NINE, 10, 11, 12, 13--

HOW MUCH YOU SAY, $84.50?

WHERE I WAS, 13 OR 14? YOU REMEMBER?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER? I'LL BE GOD DAMNED.

GOTTA START ALL OVER THIS BITCH.

FOLKS BE IN LINE MAD-- "WELL, COME HELP ME PUT 'EM IN FILES THEN.

I WON'T BE UP HERE ALL GODDAMN DAY, NIGGA."

JUST HAVING FUN WITH MY LIFE WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT.

'CAUSE I'M ONE BROTHER IN THIS WORLD THAT DON'T WANNA DIE.

I'M AFRAID TO GO. I'M FINE RIGHT HERE.

I AIN'T GOT TO GO TO HEAVEN NOR HELL. I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.

I KNOW THEY SAY IT'S BETTER IN HEAVEN,

BUT I'M FINE RIGHT HERE, THOUGH.

I AIN'T GOT TO GO UP THERE. I DON'T WANNA WEAR WHITE EVERY DAY.

I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.

I DON'T NEED NO WINGS. I DON'T MIND WALKING.

I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.

L.A., I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE BROTHER, MAN. I'M J.J., MAN.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I APPRECIATE IT!

YEAH!

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU ALL, MAN.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME OUT

AND THANK SOMEBODY WHO IS VERY, VERY PINNACLE IN MY LIFE

AND ALL OF THESE OTHER COMEDIANS OUT HERE, MAN.

SOMEBODY WHO PAVED THE WAY-- IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT

FOR ME NOT TO MENTION HIS NAME,

BUT HE MADE "DEF COMEDY JAM" POSSIBLE.

AND LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR RICHARD PRYOR, Y'ALL.

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR RICHARD PRYOR.

LOVE YOU, RICH.

HE... I MEAN, FOR REAL, HE INSPIRED ME.

Y'ALL SEE I GOT MY PENITENTIARY SHIT ON RIGHT HERE.

I WENT TO PRISON IN 1989.

I GOT THE PICTURE WHEN I WENT,

AND I GOT MY "NOW" PICTURE ON THERE

TO LET THESE BITCHES KNOW

THAT IT CAN HAPPEN, THAT GOD IS REAL,

IN THE FLESH.

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE ATL-- ARNEZ J.!

( laughing )

YEAH.

Y'ALL GOT ME.

WHOO!

Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE A NIGGA CRY. Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE ME CRY.

I'M GONNA GET THIS SHOW STARTED.

I'M JUST HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW.

I THINK, YOU KNOW-- I GOTTA SAY THIS.

I THINK WE DONE FINALLY PISSED GOD OFF.

IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, WE HAVE NEVER SEEN

THE DEVASTATION THAT WE HAVE SEEN.

YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMAMA WOULD SAY, "WELL, GOD IS ON HIS WAY BACK"?

WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS OR NOT, IT REALLY DON'T MATTER,

'CAUSE HE'S ON HIS WAY, AND, WHITE PEOPLE, THIS GO FOR Y'ALL,

Y'ALL KNOW THE TSUNAMIS?

WE AIN'T SEEN NOTHING LIKE THAT EVER.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE, LOOK HERE, DO ME A FAVOR,

IF YOU SEE WATER COMING AT YOU THAT IS TALLER THAN THE BUILDING,

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, "MY GOD!"

DO SOMETHING.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW A NIGGA DO IT.

"NIGGA, WHAT'S THAT COMING DOWN...?

MAN, COME HERE, NIGGA.

UH-UH, I KNOW... OH, HELL!"

AND YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.

'CAUSE WHEN THAT FIRST NIGGA TAKE OFF,

THAT OTHER BROTHER RIGHT BEHIND HIM-- "NIGGA, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"

NOW LET'S SAY THERE'S TWO WHITE DUDES STANDING THERE.

I'M TELLING YOU, ONE OF THEM TAKE OFF,

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THE OTHER ONE DO.

"PAUL! PAUL!

HEY WHERE-- PAUL!"

"PAUL, WHERE YOU GOING?

GOD, HE JUST TAKES OFF. YOU HEAR THAT ROAR?"

BUT I WANNA SAY THESE TWO THINGS BEFORE I GO.

FIRST OF ALL, Y'ALL A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, BUT I DO WANNA SAY THIS.

WE GOT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AND I GOTTA SAY THIS TO MY BLACK MEN

MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. WE GOT A PROBLEM.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR AND GETTING CHECKED OUT.

TOO MANY OF US ARE DYING FROM COLON CANCER.

I WENT, YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW...

YEAH, I WENT AND HAD A COLONOSCOPY.

IT'S GONNA HURT. IT'S GONNA HURT.

OKAY, WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PUT A POLE--

IT FELT LIKE IT WAS ABOUT THAT LONG.

ALL I KNOW IS THEY TREATED ME LIKE A RAPE VICTIM.

THEY THREW A SHEET OVER ME WHEN THEY WERE DONE, TALKING ABOUT "GET DRESSED."

I'M LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GONNA CALL A NIGGA NO MORE? WHAT'S UP?

SO THEN THEY WANT YOU

TO LAY ON THE BED LIKE THIS.

I'M A GROWN MAN. I GOT NO BUSINESS LAYING LIKE THIS.

THEN THEY TAKE THIS ROD. THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA PUT IT

UP IN YOUR RECTUM AND PUT AIR UP IN IT.

HE SAID, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BOOTY." I SAID, "WAIT, DAWG.

WAIT, LET A NIGGA GET READY. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU AIN'T GONNA KNOCK ME OUT OR NOTHING?

YOU JUST GONNA 'BROKEBACK' ME WHILE I'M UP, NIGGA?"

AND I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH OF A MAN YOU THINK YOU ARE,

WHEN YOU GOT ANOTHER MAN STANDING BEHIND YOU WITH A ROD,

OH, THE GAY GONNA COME OUT.

NOW HE PUT IT UP IN, I'M LIKE... "OH!" ( grunting )

( laughs )

ALL I WAS SAYING WAS, "LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD, PLEASE.

PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD.

I'M A MAN.

I'M A MAN!"

I SAID, "PLEASE KEEP IT SOFT LIKE RUBBER, LORD, PLEASE."

HE SAID, "YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LITTLE PRESSURE ON YOUR STOMACH."

I SAID, "THAT'S COOL, BUT YOU GOT IT IN MY HEART.

TAKE IT OUT, PLEASE, TAKE IT OUT." SO HE PULLED IT OUT.

HE SAID, "OOPS." "OOPS?

WAIT A MINUTE, DAWG. THAT'S MY BOOTY HOLE. WHAT YOU MEAN, 'OOPS?'"

HE SAID, "WE LEFT TOO MUCH AIR UP THERE." "YOU LEFT TOO MUCH AIR!"

I SAID, "WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? IS A BUBBLE GONNA GO AND MY BRAIN GONNA POP?"

HE SAID, "NO, MR. J. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IS YOU'RE GONNA PASS GAS.

AND YOU'RE GONNA GET RID OF IT." I SAID, "OKAY, I'M COOL.

I CAN DEAL WITH THAT." BUT SEE...

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU WHEN YOU WAS GONNA PASS GAS.

AND THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO STOP IT.

NIGGA, I AM ON THE ELEVATOR.

THESE SISTERS GET ON. I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING? "

I'M LIKE... "PRR-RRT!

OH, MY GOD-- PRR-RRT!"

I TRIED TO SUCK IT UP. TRIED TO STOP IT.

MY BOOTY WAS LIKE, "NO!"

"PRR-RRT!"

I DIDN'T KNOW IT TOOK TWO DAYS FOR YOUR BOOTY HOLE TO CLOSE, EITHER.

I DIDN'T. I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET--

"WHOO-OOT!"

MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" I'M LIKE, "NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW."

"WHOO-OOT!"

HE SAID, "IS YOUR BOOTY HOLE LEAKING?"

I TRIED TO SIT DOWN IN A CAR--

( hisses ) "TSS-SS!"

SO I'M JUST SAYING GO GET IT CHECKED OUT.

AND BEFORE I GO, I JUST WANNA SAY THIS--

WHO ARE THE MOST FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES?

UNCLES ARE THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT'S GETTING READY TO HAPPEN.

THIS IS A TRIBUTE...

Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S SEXY, NIGGA.

Y'ALL KNOW THAT IS SEXY!

NOW...

NOW I DON'T KNOW ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE,

BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY BLACK AND LATINO GOT AN UNCLE IN THEIR FAMILIES

SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE THAT DRESS JUST LIKE THIS.

NIPPLES RIGHT TO THE BELT LOOP...

AND GOT THAT ONE LITTLE NUT THAT HANG ON THE SIDE

AND GOT THAT LITTLE UNDERBELLY RIGHT THERE.

AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE'S ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL NIGGAS,

YOU KNOW, THEY START LOOKING FOR THEIR...

"THERE IT IS, NIGGA."

SO WAIT A MINUTE.

AND OLD-SCHOOL CATS THINK

THEY ARE THE BEST DANCERS IN THE WORLD.

MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT."

NOW I GOTTA SHOW YOU HOW LAST YEAR I HAD TO GO TO MY FAMILY REUNION.

AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING SOME FISH.

AND ALL MY AUNTIES ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM DANCING.

THEY START GETTING THAT LITTLE BOOTY DANCE WHEN THEY START DANCING.

THEY BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GO ON NOW."

NOW MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS IN THE KITCHEN AND HEARD THIS SONG,

CAME OUT AND LOST HIS LIVING MIND.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU WHEN HE PLAYED THIS SONG,

FIRST OF ALL, HE WAS IN THE KITCHEN.

- HE JUST KEPT HEARING THIS MUSIC. - ( funk music playing )

"WHAT YOU ALL DOING OUT HERE?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

AW, WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE, NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE-- AH!

NOW Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE NOW."

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE."

MY NAME IS ARNEZ. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0