Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS'

DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- BRUCE BRUCE,

DeRAY

AND D.L. HUGHLEY.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J.,

THE KID CAPRI!

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST...

MIKE EPPS!

( applauding, cheering )

YEAH! YEAH!

YEAH YEAH YEAH!

ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI!

BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD IN THE MOTHERFUCKER.

LOOK AT THE HEAD-SHINE ON THIS NIGGA'S HEAD.

DAMN, I BET WHEN YOU WAS IN SCHOOL

YOU WAS THE HEAD OF YO CLASS.

I BET IN YO HOUSE, YOU THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.

NIGGA GOT A BIG-ASS HEAD.

NIGGA HEAD SO HEAVY, NIGGA JUST BE LIKE THIS HERE.

LOOK, THEY GOT A WHITE GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL!

THEY BE MAKING YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY? TELL THE TRUTH.

"CALL SHARON, LET'S GO."

LOOK AT THE PONYTAIL MAN, PONYTAIL!

YOU DONE PULLED YO SHIT BACK, AIN'T YA?

IT AIN'T ENOUGH, NIGGA. DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

YOU WON'T SEE THAT BIG-ASS VEIN POPPIN' UP IN YO MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD.

ALL THE BIG GIRLS WITH THE BIG TITTIES--

BIG GIRLS WITH THE BIG TITTIES'LL LET FOOD

JUST FALL ALL DOWN IN THEIR TITTIES.

GET THE MUNCHIES LATER ON. "I THINK I GOT A BROWNIE FROM EARLIER TODAY."

EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING BAD, GOD PAY ME BACK QUICK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

OTHER DAY, I STOLE A PACK OF COOKIES OUT THE STORE

AND GOT HOME, DIDN'T HAVE NO KEYS TO GET IN THE HOUSE.

I SAID, "AIN'T THIS A BITCH?"

BUT GOD KNOW MY HEART. THAT'S WHAT A NIGGA SAY

TO GET OUT OF SOME SHIT, DON'T HE?

"HE KNOW MY HEART."

HE GONNA KNOW YO ASS IN A MINUTE.

I AIN'T BULLSHITTIN'. BOY, I'M TRYING TO--

I'M TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU.

I-I GOT SO MANY KIDS NOW AND I JUST RIDE THROUGH THE HOOD AND WAVE.

I CAN'T STOP AND FUCK WITH ALL OF 'EM.

KICK DA BEAT!

- I WISH I COULD-- HIT IT, KID, HIT ME A-- - ( buzzing sound )

GO AHEAD-- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HAVE YOU EVER WALKED UP IN A CROWD AND JUST DID THIS

AND WALKED OUT? DO IT AGAIN.

( buzzing sound )

AND STOOD OVER THERE AND WATCH EVERYBODY POINT AT EACH OTHER.

Y'ALL READY FOR A GOOD SHOW? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, LET'S GO!

( cheering, applauding )

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT OUTTA THE A.T.L., GIVE IT UP FOR BRUCE BRUCE!

- ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( applauding, cheering )

WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

LOOKING LIKE MY REAL UNCLE-- WHAT'S THAT?

IS IT ME OR IS IT HOT IN HERE? SHIT.

I'M ABOUT TO FALL OUT OF THIS CIVIL RIGHTS SUIT.

WHAT'S GOING ON? Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD.

YOU LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE I'M GONNA FALL, I AIN'T GONNA FALL.

SHE PRAYIN' RIGHT NOW, "FATHER GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FALL, JESUS."

IF I FALL, WHO GONNA HELP ME UP? NOBODY.

Y'ALL BE STANDING ACROSS THE STREET.

"THAT FAT DUDE FELL OVER THERE, FOR REAL."

WHITE PEOPLE ONLY ONE GONNA HELP YOU-- "ARE YOU OKAY?"

BLACK PEOPLE WALK RIGHT PAST YOU. "LET ME GET RIGHT HERE, BRO."

( laughing ) I'M GLAD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE.

I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU--

WHITE PEOPLE, ONE THING YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN,

YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO PICK UP ON STUFF BEFORE IT HAPPEN.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK UP ON STUFF INSTANTLY.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE LIVE ON EDGE ALL OUR LIFE.

BLACK PERSON GO HOME TODAY, PUT THEIR KEY IN THE DOOR,

BE LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG?" "SOMEBODY DONE TRIED TO BREAK IN MY HOUSE."

YOU BE LIKE "HOW YOU KNOW? CALL THE POLICE."

WHITE PEOPLE DONE GO HOME, GARAGE DOOR OPEN,

THE KITCHEN DOOR STANDING WIDE OPEN.

THEY SITTIN' IN THE CAR TRYING TO GUESS,

( prissy voice ) "I WONDER WHO LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN?"

THEY WALK IN, THE BROTHER BEHIND THE DOOR, "I LEFT IT OPEN. LAY DOWN!"

( prissy ) "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

AND SEE, WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."

BUT BLACK PEOPLE SAY "JESUS."

BECAUSE THERE'S POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

YOU THINK I'M LYIN'? YOU CAN LEAVE HERE TODAY, YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'--

( screeching noise) SAY "JESUS!"-- CAR STRAIGHTEN UP.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'-- ( screeching noise )

"FOR THE LOVE OF--" BOOM!

KNOCK THE WALL DOWN.

SO START USING "JESUS." IT'LL WORK.

I LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH WHITE PEOPLE.

I GOT WHITE FRIENDS. I GO TO CHURCH WITH 'EM.

I WENT TO CHURCH WITH A WHITE FRIEND OF MINE.

WE GOT THERE AT 10:30, 11:47 WE WALKIN' OUT.

I SAID "MAN, I'M COMING BACK NEXT SUNDAY."

WE GOT THERE 10:30, PREACHER DONE LIT SOME CANDLES...

( vocalizing )

READ A SCRIPTURE, TOOK UP AN OFFERING, BAM!

11:47 WE RIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY.

MAN, I WENT TO CHURCH WITH MY AUNT--

PREACHER DIDN'T GET UP TILL 12:30.

WE DIDN'T LEAVE THERE TILL FRIDAY EVENING ABOUT 4:00.

HE WAS STILL PREACHING:

"YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW."

I'M LIKE "I KNOW IT TIME TO GO!

I DONE LOST MY JOB AND EVERYTHING!

WE BEEN HERE SINCE SUNDAY!"

HE STILL PREACHING. ( singing )

I BET GOD BE LIKE "SHUT UP!"

ONE THING WE GOTTA START DOING, BLACK MEN, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THIS.

ONE THING WE GOTTA START DOING 'CAUSE...

I'M TELLING YOU, WHITE GUYS DO IT.

WE HAVE GOT TO START GOING FOR A YEARLY PHYSICAL.

- BLACK MEN. - Woman: THAT'S RIGHT!

I'M TELLING YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU! I GOT WHITE FRIENDS GO,

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THEY GO--

IF THERE'S A PROBLEM, THEY GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE TILL THEY FIND OUT HOW TO FIX IT.

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GO TILL THEY DAMN NEAR SEE THE LIGHT.

JESUS GOTTA COME SIT ON THE BED WITH 'EM.

"YEAH, I BELIEVE I NEED TO GO ON TO THE DOCTOR."

BUT YOU KNOW, I BEEN TAKING 'EM PRETTY REGULARLY HERE

ABOUT THE LAST SIX, SEVEN YEARS,

AND IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

BUT I GOT A FEMALE DOCTOR. SHE REAL COOL, YOU KNOW?

SO WE KINDA TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING.

UNTIL THIS LAST TIME...

SHE WANTED TO CHECK ME FOR PROSTATE.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO SHE SAID "I NEED TO CHECK YOU FOR PROSTATE."

I JUST SAT ON THE BED AND SHIT.

SHE SAID "NAH, I CAN'T GO IN YOUR EAR."

I SAID "WHERE YOU GOING?" SHE SAID "I GOTTA GO IN THAT ASS."

I SAID "YOU BULLSHITTIN'."

HERE I AM, BIG OLD BIG BROTHER LAYING ON A TWIN-SIZE BED.

BUH--

BOY, SHE PUT HER FINGER IN MY ASS,

IT FELT LIKE A WHOLE TREE. I SAID "OH!"

MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I WENT BLIND FOR 30 SECONDS.

SHE SAID "BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?" I SAID "I CAN'T SEE SHIT."

SHE SAID "I'MA GO UP TO THE LEFT." I SAID "I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO,

BUT YOU GOTTA COME OUT OF THERE!"

THEN I SAID, "I GET IT." I CAUGHT MYSELF WIPING ALL THAT GEL OUT MY ASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I DIDN'T GET IT OUT, I'M AT THE DESK...

TRYING TO GET MY RECEIPT, ASS LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

"BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?" "SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY ASS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY ASS? IT'S LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER."

I GO GET IN THE CAR, I CRANK THE CAR UP, I JUST SLID DOWN...

I'M HOLDING ONTO THE STEERING WHEEL.

I'M BRUCE BRUCE, THANK YOU.

( hip-hop music playing )

BRUCE BRUCE, Y'ALL. COME ON, SHOW HIM SOME LOVE.

( cheering loudly )

YEAH, HOW Y'ALL FEEL?

WHAT Y'ALL ON? WHAT Y'ALL BEEN SMOKING ON BEFORE Y'ALL CAME IN HERE?

WHAT Y'ALL BEEN DRINKIN'?

THIS NIGGA HAD THE JOHNNY WALKER RIGHT HERE.

WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? WESLEY SNIPES IN THE HOUSE!

THAT'S A OLD PLAYER RIGHT THERE, A OLD PLAYER.

THAT BLACK NIGGA DIDN'T EVEN PAY TO GET IN THE CLUB.

HE PROBABLY CLOSED HIS MOUTH AND EYES.

SNUCK-- "MMM, I'M IN THE CLUB, BET THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW."

I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU!

THAT'S MY NIGGA RIGHT THERE!

Y'ALL READY TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN?

- Audience: YEAH! - LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT!

COMING TO THE STAGE, Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HIM.

STRAIGHT OUTTA CHI-TOWN. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR DeRAY!

- ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( cheering, applauding )

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.

YEAH YEAH, THAT-- YEAH.

- WHAT UP, CAPRI! - Kid Capri: WHAT'S UP, BABY!

Y'ALL SEE THAT LIGHT-SKIN SHIT HAPPENING?

LIGHT-SKIN THUGS, NIGGA, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT I ALMOST DO, NIGGAS.

YEAH, I GOT PROBLEMS. I'M GLAD THEY LET ME TALK ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I GOT SOME ISSUES.

WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE ALL THE BROKE-ASS NIGGAS?

ALL THE WOMEN SICK OF BROKE NIGGAS, MAKE SOME NOISE.

- ( cheering ) - YEAH. YEAH YEAH. YEAH, FUCK Y'ALL.

I'M SICK OF Y'ALL SHIT. WHAT A BROKE NIGGA SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

FUCKIN'-- HOW YOU HATE ME, BITCH? I HATE ME.

( laughs )

SHIT, MY NIGGAS BETTER GET LIKE ME.

THEY'LL TAKE-- SHIT, I'LL TAKE WOMEN SHIT-SHOPPING.

YOU EVER TAKE A BITCH SHIT-SHOPPING?

NO? YOU WALK IN THE MALLS,

SHE BE LIKE "CAN I HAVE THAT?" "SHIT."

"WHAT ABOUT THAT?" "SHIT."

THAT'S NOTHING.

AND IT'S ALWAYS A BLACK WOMAN WHO'LL BE GETTING ON US AND SHIT.

"YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT, NIGGA! YOU AIN'T HAVE SHIT!"

( grunting )

YEAH, Y'ALL TIRED-- I'M SICK OF SEEING...

WHITE WOMEN WITH BLACK NIGGAS. Y'ALL GONNA KEEP HEARIN' THAT SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHY? YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY MOTHERFUCKERS DATE WHITE WOMEN?

BECAUSE WHITE WOMEN DON'T QUESTION YO ASS. THEY DON'T.

WHITE WOMEN ASK YOU ONE FUCKING TIME AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS END IT WITH A CURSE WORD AND SHE WON'T ASK YOU AGAIN.

"WHERE WERE YOU AT?" "I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE, FUCK!"

"OKAY, I'M SORRY."

"GO BACK TO TOM. IF THAT'S WHERE YOUR HAPPINESS LIES, GO TO TOM."

NOT BLACK WOMEN. HELLO, NO.

Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKER BE--

THEY BREAK OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' POLICE LIGHT AND SHIT.

THEY ASK YOU 100 FUCKING TIMES.

"SO YOU WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE?"

"I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE." "SO YOU WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE?"

"I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE."

"SO YOU TRYING TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW TO MY FACE...

IF I CALL TOM RIGHT NOW, TOM GONNA ANSWER THE PHONE--"

"BITCH I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!"

"OH! OH! WHY YOU MAD?

THE TRUTH AIN'T ANGRY. THE TRUTH AIN'T NEVER ANGRY."

RELATION-- THIS-- RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST FUCKED UP, MAN.

WE CAN'T GET IN 'EM. WE CAN'T GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKERS.

DON'T NOBODY WANNA BREAK UP. DON'T ANY MOTHERFUCKER WANNA LEAVE NOBODY.

ALL THESE JEALOUS-ASS NIGGAS. LADIES, YOU EVER DATE A JEALOUS NIGGA?

- ( cheering ) - NO, I MEAN THAT CRAZY-ASS JEALOUS NIGGA.

THAT CR-- I MEAN, THAT NIGGA SHOW UP TO YO JOB

IN FLIP-FLOPS, SOME SWIM TRUNKS...

MOTHERFUCKING TANK-TOP BITCH. "WHO UP HERE LIKE YOU, BITCH? WHICH ONE?"

SOME NIGGAS BE CRAZY-JEALOUS.

THAT NIGGA DON'T WANT YOU LOOKING AT NO OTHER MAN.

"WHO IS THAT PICTURE ON THE WALL, BITCH?"

"THAT'S JESUS." "TAKE IT DOWN!

I GOTTA WALK ON WATER TO GET LOVE AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER?"

I GOT IT. I KNOW WE CRAZY. BUT WOMEN, WHEN Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GET MAD,

Y'ALL THE CRAZIEST MOTHERFUCKERS ON EARTH.

THE ONE THING YOU DON'T WANNA SEE IS A WOMAN SO MAD

THAT SHE'S SMILIN'.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BITCH.

WHEN SHE LIKE "OH, IT'S LIKE THAT? WELL, LEAVE, NIGGA, LEAVE.

OOH! YES! LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER.

LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER! YES YES!

LEAVE!" "BITCH, WHY ARE YOU SMILIN'?

WHY YOU SMILIN'?"

"LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER! LEAVE!"

BITCH ABOUT TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD.

IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT IF YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD, SNEEZE.

SNEEZE, 'CAUSE YOUR WOMAN, WHO LOVES YOU,

CAN HEAR YOU SNEEZE A MILE AWAY.

SHE COULD BE DOWNSTAIRS, YOU SNEEZE-- ( sneezes ) SHE'LL BE "BLESS YOU!"

WHEN YOUR WOMAN MAD, YOU BE STANDING NEXT TO HER-- RIGHT NEXT TO HER, JUST SNEEZE.

( sneezes ) THEN IT'S GONNA BE LIKE "HMM, NIGGA.

SNEEZE, NIGGA. GO ON, SNEEZE OUT ALL THEM LIES, MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU ALLERGIC TO BITCHES IS WHAT IT IS."

YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T BE OUT WITH YOUR WOMAN

IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER, 'CAUSE WOMEN KNOW HOW TO ACT, DAWG. TELL THE TRUTH.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER.

WOMEN HAVE BEEN OUT WITH YO ASS BEFORE 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE SMARTER.

WOMEN KNOW HOW TO PICK THE WOMAN THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH.

IF A WOMAN SEES A WOMAN IN A CLUB

THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH, SHE WILL TELL YOU. WOMEN ARE UPFRONT WITH THAT SHIT.

THEY BE LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT BITCH.

YOU WOULD FUCK WITH THAT BITCH IF I WASN'T HERE.

YES, YOU WOULD."

THEN THEY ASK YOU, "WOULD YOU FUCK WITH HER?"

NIGGA'S DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, "I, UH..."

'CAUSE WOMEN CAN SAY, "SHE LOOK GOOD. LOOK AT HER ASS."

WOMEN CAN SAY THAT SHIT. MEN, OUR EGOS DON'T LET US DO THAT SHIT.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR WOMAN FUCKING WITH NO NIGGA.

YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK NO NIGGA BETTER THAN YOU.

WE CAN'T SAY ANOTHER NIGGA WALKED IN THE CLUB AND HE LOOKED GOOD.

WE SAY THAT SHIT SUBLIMINALLY, DON'T WE?

A NIGGA WALK IN THE CLUB YOU THINK HE DOING A LITTLE SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE,

YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THIS TO YOUR WOMAN, "HEY, THERE GOES YOUR BOY.

THERE GOES YOUR BOY.

THERE GOES YOUR NIGGA.

NO, THAT'S YOUR BOY RIGHT THERE."

AND I'M SICK OF ALL THIS CHEAT SHIT.

WOMEN ARE ALWAYS, "I CAUGHT YOU CHEATING."

WOMEN LOVE TO GO THROUGH YOUR SHIT. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SHIT.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FIND NOTHING, STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT.

YOU SEARCHING FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE, BITCH.

STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT. WOMEN LOVE TO--

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" "WOMEN LOVE TO FIND PHONE NUMBERS.

"WHOSE PHONE NUMBER IS THIS? WHOSE PHONE NUMBER IS THIS, NIGGA?"

WOMEN FIND PHONE NUMBERS, HOLD THEM UP TO THE LIGHT LIKE IT'S GOLD.

"WHO THE FUCK'S PHONE NUMBER IS THIS?"

NIGGAS, YOU GOT TO MAKE YOUR WOMAN FEEL FUCKED UP.

DeRAY YOUR HOUSE, NIGGA. THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I DO.

I COME IN THE HOUSE, I'LL JUST LAY A PHONE NUMBER DOWN.

SHE CALL THE MOTHERFUCKER, IT'D BE ME. "BITCH, YOU GOING THROUGH MY SHIT?"

NEVER KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLING.

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY. Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS KEEP LAUGHING.

KEEP THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THIS NEXT BROTHER COMING TO THE STAGE, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT HIM, MAN?

HE PAVED THE WAY FOR A LOT OF US.

HE'S A LEGEND OUT HERE IN THE GAME.

STRAIGHT OUT OF LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,

GIVE IT UP FOR ONE OF THE KINGS OF COMEDY,

D.L. HUGHLEY.

HOW Y'ALL DOING?

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP, KID? YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE DID THIS SHIT HERE, BOY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SOME THINGS CHANGE, SOME THINGS STAY THE SAME.

NOW THEY WANT TO BUILD A WALL

TO KEEP THE MEXICANS OUT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

I'M LIKE, "WHO'S GONNA BUILD THE MOTHERFUCKER?"

I KNOW WE AIN'T DOING IT. FUCK THAT SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE AIN'T WORKING OUT IN THE SUN THAT GODDAMN LONG.

HOW MANY MORE BRICKS DO WE HAVE TO GO? JESUS!

JOSE, HELP ME WITH THE WALL, PLEASE.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE WHEN WE FINISH NO ONE'LL CARE.

PLEASE, JESUS.

THE MEXICANS ARE TAKING ALL THE GOOD JOBS.

LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA PICK FRUIT? AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

YOU CAN'T GET A WHITE DUDE TO HAND YOU AN ORANGE AT THE GROCERY STORE.

"PARDON, HAND ME THAT ORANGE." "OH, I-I-- NO NO.

JOSE, HAND HIM THE ORANGE, PLEASE."

IT'S FUCKED UP 'CAUSE EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOOK A BOAT.

EVERYBODY. BLACK PEOPLE-- THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT WAS HERE WAS MEXICANS AND INDIANS.

AND NOW THEY GOT A RULE THAT SAY IF CUBANS LEAVE CUBA

AND MAKE IT TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THEY GET TO STAY.

SO IF I WAS A MEXICAN, I'D FLOAT OVER TO CUBA AND RIDE BACK WITH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

"ARE YOU CUBAN?" "SI."

"ARE YOU SURE?" "SI."

I'M GLAD MICHAEL JACKSON DIDN'T GO TO JAIL.

THAT'S ONE MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T CUT OUT FOR THE PENITENTIARY.

THEY'D HAVE BEEN PASSING THAT MOTHERFUCKER AROUND LIKE A JOINT.

"WOULD YOU LIKE A HIT OF THE KING OF POP?" "WHY, YES I WOULD LIKE."

I FEEL BAD FOR THE COURTROOM ARTIST 'CAUSE THAT BITCH HAD TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON.

THAT CAN'T BE EASY 'CAUSE HIS COLOR AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX.

YOU GOT TO MIX SOME SHIT UP TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON.

"I'M GONNA NEED SOME PEACH AND SOME YELLOW."

AND 2005 WAS THE YEAR OF THE MISSING WHITE WOMAN:

YOU COULDN'T TURN ON THE NEWS WITHOUT A WHITE WOMAN BEING MISSING.

"ANOTHER MISSING WHITE WOMAN. WE GO LIVE TO BED, BATH & BEYOND."

THAT WHITE WOMAN CAME UP MISSING IN ARUBA,

THEY ARRESTED EVERY NIGGA ON THE ISLAND, DIDN'T THEY?

"WE KNOW YOU KNOW SOMETHING, YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH. TELL US!"

I'M NOT BULLSHITTING. THE FIRST MISSING WHITE WOMAN

WAS A RUNAWAY BRIDE DOWN IN GEORGIA.

THIS BITCH HAD THE BIGGEST EYES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.

YOU CAN'T KIDNAP A WOMAN WITH EYES THAT BIG.

SHE DONE SEE YOU COMING. "YOU'RE TRYING TO KIDNAP ME, HUH?"

"I WAS, BUT YOU SAW US NOW SO FUCK IT."

I READ ABOUT THIS ONE WHITE WOMAN WHO BROKE HER BLACK HUSBAND OUT

OF THE PENITENTIARY IN TENNESSEE. THAT'S THE KIND OF WOMAN I NEED.

I'M GONNA GET ME A WHITE WOMAN. FUCK Y'ALL.

YOU CAN'T GET SISTER TO PICK YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT, HUH?

"I'M GONNA DRIVE AROUND TWO TIMES.

IF YOUR ASS AIN'T OUT, I GOT TO GO. FUCK THAT SHIT.

I GOT A NAIL APPOINTMENT. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING WITH.

THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT."

AND I'M SO TIRED-- YOU KNOW I JUST READ RECENTLY

WHERE THERE'S AN INCREASE IN BEAR ATTACKS.

SEE, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT

'CAUSE TO GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR YOU GOT TO GO TO THE WOODS

AND WE AIN'T GOING TO THE WOODS.

BROTHER WON'T EVEN GO TO THE WOODS TO GET AWAY FROM THE POLICE.

"FUCK, THE POLICE." "I KNOW, THEN GO TO THE WOODS."

"OFFICER! OFFICER!"

A BEAR WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE WAS. "WHAT IS THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SURE IS FAST.

LET'S GET OUT OF THE WOODS.

DICK CHENEY MIGHT BE HUNTING IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

DICK CHENEY SHOT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DIDN'T HE?

YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH-ASS WORLD WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT

IS DOING A DRIVE-BY. AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

HE SHOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SO GOOD THE VICTIM GOT UP AND APOLOGIZED.

"I'M SORRY. IT WAS MY FAULT.

I SHOULD'VE WATCHED WHERE HE WAS SHOOTING."

I READ ABOUT THIS ONE BROTHER, BRIAN NICHOLS IN ATLANTA,

BROKE OUT OF JAIL, KILLED THE BAILIFF, KILLED THE JUDGE,

WENT TO A WHITE LADY'S HOUSE, ASHLEY SMITH,

AND SHE HAD THE COMMON SENSE TO MAKE HIM PANCAKES.

'CAUSE DON'T NOTHING CALM DOWN A NIGGA ON A KILLING SPREE

LIKE A DELICIOUS STACK OF PANCAKES.

"I'M SO FULL I CAN'T KILL ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER.

WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THESE PANCAKES?"

IT'S SOMETHING ELSE, MAN. I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS.

KNOW WHAT I REALIZED? WHEN YOU'RE A MAN AND MARRIED, YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES A RELATIONSHIP WORK.

YOU CAN'T BE THE SAME MAN YOU WAS BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED.

YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOT TO GIVE UP HOPE, THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP.

HOPE KILLS. SAY YOU'RE DRIVING HOME TO THIS LOVELY WOMAN.

YOU GO, "MAN, I HOPE SHE COOKED." SHE DIDN'T.

"HOPE SHE AIN'T MAD." SHE IS.

"HOPE I CAN GET SOME HEAD." YOU WON'T.

'CAUSE WOMEN STOP GIVING HEAD THE MINUTE THEY SAY "I DO."

"I DO. NOW I DON'T HAVE TO SUCK DICK ANYMORE. THANK GOD.

I WAS SO HUMILIATED. IF HE'D HAVE GRABBED MY EARS ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD--"

AND WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY. THEY DO SHIT THEY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

PUT TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO USE. WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?

"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS. THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU."

"WHAT THE FUCK THEY IN HERE FOR?" "THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU, GOD DAMN IT!"

EVERY TIME I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, I RUB MY DICK ACROSS THEM TOWELS.

FUCK THESE TOWELS. DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS.

YOU KNOW WHY MEN ARE LAUGHING? 'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY.

YOU GUYS COME INTO THE BATHROOM, "DO THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?"

"NO, THEY DON'T."

"HOW COME YOU DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?"

'CAUSE PUSSY MAKES YOU SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU GET SOME PUSSY, YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE.

"WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE?

I CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN."

YOU GET SOME PUSSY AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH YOU'RE IN A COMA.

"I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME."

WOMEN WILL STAY UP ALL NIGHT DOING THE FREAKIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD TO YOU

BUT IN THE MORNING THEY WON'T LET YOU

USE THEIR FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT?

"DON'T USE MY TOOTHBRUSH. THAT'S NASTY."

"HEY, GIRL, YOU WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?

THAT WAS NASTY.

I HAD MY FACE IN YOUR ASS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS AIN'T NO BEARD. THIS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF YOU.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

THAT'S THE THING ABOUT MARRIED WOMEN.

ONCE THEY GET MARRIED ALL THE FUCKING FUN GO.

THAT'S WHAT THE DEAL IS. MARRIED WOMEN GIVE HEAD WITH OTHER SHIT ON THEIR MIND.

"HURRY UP, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CORNBREAD OUT.

DON'T SQUIRT NONE OF THAT SHIT IN MY EYE.

THE KIDS ARE GETTING OFF THE BUS PRETTY SOON, HURRY UP."

I'M SO TIRED OF WHITE FOLK GETTING KILLED AT WORK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.

IF YOU AIN'T SURE WHAT TO DO, WATCH THE BLACK PEOPLE AND THE LATIN PEOPLE

'CAUSE WE WILL EASE THE FUCK OUT OF A SIT--

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER LOOK CRAZY. FUCK THIS SHIT.

I'M SURE GLAD I AIN'T THE SUPERVISOR.

FUCK THAT SHIT. THIS PLACE ABOUT TO BE ON THE NEWS."

WHITE FOLK WALK RIGHT UP TO THE TROUBLE, "HEY,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT CAMOUFLAGE ON?

NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS CASUAL FRIDAY."

POP POP POP POP POP.

WE BE AT HOME WATCHING THE NEWS. "I WAS JUST THERE.

THEY DONE KILLED THE SUPERVISOR, HUH?

I'M GONNA APPLY FOR THE JOB TOMORROW." FUCK THAT SHIT.

THAT TSUNAMI LAST YEAR FUCKED ME UP.

200,000 PEOPLE DIED IN THAT. NO ANIMALS DIED.

ANIMALS SENSED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND GOT THE FUCK OUT.

NOW THEY TRYING TO USE THEM FOR AN EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM.

LIKE A CHICKEN GONNA TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON. "WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?"

( screeched ) "YOU'LL FIND OUT.

IT'S ABOUT TO BE FUCKED UP AROUND HERE."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU GET KILLED IN A TSUNAMI.

ONE OF THE FIRST SIGNS IS THAT THE BEACH LEAVES!

IF I EVER GO TO THE BEACH AND THE BEACH AIN'T THERE,

THEN GOD DAMN IT, I AIN'T GONNA BE THERE EITHER.

BUT WHITE FOLKS OUGHT TO FIGURE IT OUT--

"I CAME ALL THE WAY TO THAILAND TO SEE THE BEACH

AND IT HAS THE AUDACITY TO NOT BE HERE.

I DEMAND THAT-- HERE IT COMES."

THAT HURRICANE FUCKED ME UP. I WAS IN JAPAN WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

AND HURRICANE KATRINA FUCKED ME UP,

'CAUSE I WAS IN JAPAN AND I SAW BLACK PEOPLE RUNNING,

AND UNDER THAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID "REFUGEES."

AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT THE FUCK DONE HAPPENED IN HAITI?"

THEM WASN'T REFUGEES. THEM WAS AMERICAN CITIZENS.

REFUGEES IS A-- THAT'S-- DIG IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE REFUGEES IS A HIP-HOP GROUP

WHO I'M GLAD GOT BACK TOGETHER.

AND IF YOU ARE TAKING CLOTHES OR FOOD,

YOU WASN'T LOOTING, YOU WERE SURVIVING.

THAT'S RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE.

HOWEVER, THAT ONE MOTHERFUCKER

PUSHING THAT PLASMA TV THROUGH SIX FEET OF WATER,

HE WAS-- HE WAS LOOTING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. UH-HUH.

I'M LIKE, "YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH.

WHERE THE FUCK YOU GONNA PLUG IT IN AT?"

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T LEAVE? THEY COULD HAVE LEFT.

BLACK PEOPLE FEEL LIKE WE GOT A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

"GOD'LL GIVE ME A SIGN. HE'LL LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON."

AND HE WILL, BUT YOU GOTTA STOP LOOKING FOR THE BIG SHIT

LIKE RUMBLING BUSHES AND BURNING IN THE CLOUDS.

SOMETIMES GOD JUST SENDS A WEATHERMAN SAYING, "ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?

IT'S ABOUT TO BLOW DOWN THE STREET."

I'LL HOLLA AT Y'ALL LATER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL, RUSSELL SIMMONS!

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

( theme music playing )

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