Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM!

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

KEVIN HART,

MELANIE COMARCHO,

AND KATT WILLIAMS.

I'M YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI!

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

GO ON, SIT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS DOWN!

YEAH! WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?

LET'S GET IT UP FOR THE HOTTEST MOTHERFUCKIN' DJ EVER--

KID CAPRI, Y'ALL, COME ON NOW!

Y'ALL NIGGAS KILL FOR RECREATION OUT HERE!

ALL KINDA PIMPS AND PLAYERS OUT HERE TONIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT!

ALL THE FELLAS, YOU BEEN SLIDING THE THUG UP IN THE LADIES.

LOOK AT THIS LADY WITH THE LOW HAIRCUT.

I CAN'T FUCK A LADY WITH A LOW HAIRCUT!

MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FUCKIN' YOUR BUDDY ANTOINE OR SOMETHIN'!

TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND, BITCH, THAT FADE LOOK TOO GOOD!

I CAN'T WEAR THAT MUCH JEWELRY, MAN.

THE STICK-UP MAN OUT HERE ARE FOR REAL.

IT'S A KNOWN FACT. YOU WILL GET JACKED IN L.A.

AND YOU WON'T GET SHIT BACK!

NIGGA'LL BE PUTTIN' A PISTOL ON YOU,

BREATH SMELL LIKE COURVOISIER,

"YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS!"

"NIGGA, YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS--"

NIGGA LIPS ALL ON YOUR EAR, "YOU KNOW--"

"WHAT-- GET OFF MY NECK!

IS YOU GONNA PUT A HICKEY ON MY NECK

WHILE YOU ROBBIN' ME, BITCH-ASS NIGGA?"

I REMEMBER A NIGGA ROBBED ME ONE TIME,

I TRIED TO ACT LIKE I KNEW THE NIGGA,

AND TRIED TO HUG HIM.

HE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU KNOW WHAT--"

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, WHAT--" "WE ARE NOT PLAYIN'!

NIGGA, WE ARE NOT PLAYIN'."

SOME NIGGAS ROBBED ME ONE TIME,

AND PUT ME IN THE TRUNK, AND JUST RODE AROUND.

SO I BEAT ON THE BACK SEAT AND SAID, "PLAY THAT SNOOP DOGG AGAIN!"

THEY WAS LIKE "SHUT UP, NIGGA!"

Y'ALL READY FOR SOME COMEDY? COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT UP OUT OF PHILADELPHIA,

GIVE IT UP FOR KEVIN HART!

AH!

CUT IT OFF, KID. CUT THE MUSIC OFF!

OFF!

HOW Y'ALL DOIN', GOOD? EVERYBODY GOOD?

GIVE MIKE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

OUT HERE WORKING HARD FOR Y'ALL, MIKE!

DOIN' WHAT HE DO!

IN A GOOD MOOD, PEOPLE, FEELIN' MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I'M A DAD, THAT'S WHY. JUST HAD A BABY GIRL NOT TOO LONG AGO.

YEAH-HEY!

MY SPERM WORKS!

I'M EXCITED ABOUT THAT SHIT. HAD A FUCKING GIRL.

I DID NOT WANT A DAUGHTER, MAN! SHIT!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE SCARY PART ABOUT HAVING A DAUGHTER THOUGH,

IS THAT I KNOW SHE'S GONNA EXPECT ME TO PROTECT HER.

'CAUSE I'M HER DAD. SHE WILL COME TO ME WITH THAT "DAD" SHIT,

YOU KNOW, "DAD, HE HIT ME."

THAT TYPE OF SHIT, AND I'M NOT A FIGHTER, MAN.

THAT'S NOT MY SHIT, MAN, LIKE--

AT LEAST I'M HONEST ABOUT IT. WOMEN, STOP EXPECTING EVERY MAN TO BE A FIGHTER.

THAT'S NOT ME. I'M VERY HONEST ABOUT THIS SHIT.

LIKE IF YOU WITH ME, AND A GUY COMES UP AND SMACKS YOU,

THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED. THAT'S SOMETHIN'--

NO, LISTEN--

I'M JUST TELLIN' Y'ALL, OKAY?

NOW, WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT

WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR, YOU KNOW?

LET'S FIGURE OUT WHY IT HAPPENED,

AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

BUT AS FAR AS ME DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE,

I DON'T REALLY SEE THAT SHIT HAPPENING.

IF A NIGGA DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PUNCHING YOU IN THE EYE,

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT MY EYE?

THAT'S HOW I'M LOOKING AT IT!

TWO BLACK EYES DON'T EQUAL 20-20 VISION.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY!

I'M A WITNESS. THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

JUST PUT THE ICE PACK ON.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HE DID, I SAW IT.

I'M NOT A FIGHTER! THAT'S NOT MY SHIT.

I THINK IT TAKES A SMART MAN TO KNOW WHEN TO FIGHT

AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT. I'M REAL GOOD AT THAT.

I CAN JUDGE WHEN TO FIGHT AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT.

PERFECT EXAMPLE, RIGHT-- I'M AT BEST BUY

IN THE PARKING LOT, WITH MY MOM, LOOKIN' FOR A PARKING SPOT.

THERE'S A NIGGA, IN THIS CAR GETTING READY TO BACK INTO A PARKING SPOT,

BUT HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG, SO I STOLE IT.

I JUST PULLED IN THE SHIT REAL FAST.

NOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WRONG, 'CAUSE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN

AND ROLL YOUR WINDOWS UP REAL QUICK.

YOU START HUMMIN', "HMM, HMM, HMM,

HMM-HMM, HMM..."

SOME TRUE SHIT. CHINESE DUDE, RIGHT?

SO HE GET OUT THE CAR, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, MAN, I KNOW YOU SAW ME WAITING ON THAT SPOT!"

AND I'M WITH MY MOM, SO I AIN'T GONNA BE A BITCH.

I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T SEE SHIT." HE'S LIKE, "YO,

EITHER YOU PULL OUT THE SPOT OR WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM."

"WELL, I GUESS WE GOT A FUCKIN' PROBLEM."

I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW I KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WANT THIS PROBLEM.

SOME TRUE SHIT, THIS IS WHAT HE DID.

HE SAID, "OH, SO WE GOT A PROBLEM?"

"GET IN THE CAR, MOM, GET IN THE CAR."

"WHERE ARE WE GO--" "SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR,

BEFORE THE NIGGA KICK US BOTH IN THE HEAD!"

ANY NIGGA SMACK HIS KNEES IS A ATHLETE,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY.

THAT SHIT IS FOLLOWED BY A KICK TO THE FACE, NIGGA,

I KNOW WHAT THAT'S FOLLOWED BY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT-- I'M A SCUFFLER. THAT'S WHAT I AM.

I'M A GREAT SCUFFLER. YOU KNOW WHAT A SCUFFLER IS?

ALL IT IS, THAT'S A NIGGA

THAT IT'S REAL HARD TO GET A HOLD OF.

THAT'S ALL. IT'S REAL HARD TO GRAB ME.

I'M A BRILLIANT SCUFFLER. "GET BACK, NIGGA!"

TAKE A LOT TO GET ME, NIGGA. IT TAKE A LOT!

YOU GOTTA BE PATIENT TO FIGHT ME, NIGGA, TAKE A LOT OF TIME!

I GOT INTO A SCUFFLE WITH THIS NIGGA AT THE GYM.

SOME TRUE SHIT! SOME NAKED DUDE.

SOME NAKED DUDE AT THE GYM TRIED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU WHILE YOUR DICK IS OUT,

I DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

YOU WAIT TILL YOU PUT THAT UP, THEN WE CAN TALK.

THEN WE CAN FINISH THIS CONVERSATION.

'CAUSE I GOT A LITTLE BUTT, THAT'S THE FIRST THING I THINK ABOUT.

ON SOME REAL SHIT, LIKE IF A NIGGA REALLY WANTED TO RAPE ME,

WHAT CAN I REALLY DO? BE HONEST.

LIKE IF YOU GET PAST MY SCUFFLE, THAT'S IT!

I GOTTA TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

THAT'S ALL I GOT. IF YOU GET PAST MY SCUFFLE--

'HEY, GET THE FUCK OFF!"

( shrieks )

THAT'S IT, NIGGA!

I DON'T WANT THAT PROBLEM!

I DON'T LIKE THAT. I DON'T WANT THAT AT ALL.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING TOUGH.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS HOLDING ME BACK.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS FUCKIN' ME UP!

AIN'T NOTHIN' TOUGH ABOUT THIS,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY.

IF YOU SWING YOUR FEET, IT DON'T MATTER.

AIN'T NOTHING TOUGH ABOUT THIS SHIT.

"I WILL KILL EVERYBODY IN THIS BITCH TONIGHT, NIGGA!

AIN'T A FUCKIN' GAME!

THINK I'M PLAYIN' WITH Y'ALL?"

NIGGAS JUST WALK UP, "PUSH HIM OUT THE CHAIR."

"WHAT-- HEY, NIGGA, WAIT A MINUTE!"

THAT'S IT.

I'M TRYIN' THOUGH. I'M WORKIN' ON SOME SHIT, MAN.

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO FUCKIN' FIGHT, MAN.

EVEN WITH MY LADY, I'M MARRIED, WE FUCKIN' FIGHT.

ME AND MY LADY GET INTO IT ALL THE TIME.

YOU EVER FIGHT A GIRL?

NEVER. YOU NEVER PUNCHED A GIRL IN THE STOMACH?

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, EVERY MAN--

EVERY MAN HAS PUNCHED A GIRL IN THE STOMACH

AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN HIS LIFE.

THAT'S HOW YOU SHOW A WOMAN THAT YOU REALLY LOVE HER.

MMM! HIT HER, JUST ONE GOOD TIME.

SOME REAL SHIT-- ME AND MY WIFE, WE GOT INTO A FIST FIGHT.

SOME TRUE SHIT, MAN!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY. WE GOT INTO A FIGHT

'CAUSE WE MOVED INTO A NEW HOUSE, RIGHT?

SO I'M TRYING TO LAY DOWN THE RULES FOR THE NEW HOUSE.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, THIS A NEW HOUSE.

I'M NOT GONNA TOLERATE THE SAME SHIT

THAT I TOLERATED IN THE OLD HOUSE, OKAY?

NEW HOUSE, NEW FUCKIN' RULES."

NOW, WHILE I'M LAYING DOWN MY RULES,

SHE WASN'T LISTENING, SO I GOT MAD.

I WAS GONNA TRY TO GRAB HER AND SHAKE HER.

THAT WAS MY PLAN. I WANTED TO SHAKE HER THREE TIMES. BANG, BANG, BANG.

THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO DO. BANG, BANG, BANG,

GO BACK TO MY ARGUMENT.

BUT BEFORE I GRABBED HER, SHE HIT ME REAL FAST-- LIKE RIGHT IN THE EYE.

SHE WAS LIKE POW, IT WAS QUICK AS SHIT.

IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, 'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS LISTENING,

SHE'S LIKE, "MMM-HMM, YEAH--" MMM!

NIGGA, YOU-- YOU EVER GET HIT SO HARD

THAT YOU GOTTA START HAVING A CONVERSATION RIGHT AWAY

JUST TO SLOW THE SHIT UP?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT IT.

IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, IF I PAY THE FUCKIN' BILLS,

THEN YOU NEED TO LISTEN. IF YOU DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO ME,

THEN WE-- BITCH! WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A-- OKAY, CUT THE TV OFF. WHERE THE KIDS AT?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

I WANNA TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, OKAY?

FIRST OF ALL, WE DON'T PRAY.

A COUPLE THAT PRAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

NOW-- BITCH! YOU GONNA HIT ME WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT JESUS?

THAT'S WHEN YOU GONNA PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME?

I KNEW I LOST, THOUGH.

I KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WIN.

TELL YOU HOW I KNEW THAT I LOST THE FIGHT--

'CAUSE WHEN THE COPS CAME TO MY HOUSE,

THE COPS ASKED ME DID I WANNA PRESS CHARGES.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW.

NOW, THAT'S HOW I KNOW

THAT IT DIDN'T GO THE WAY I PLANNED IT TO.

'CAUSE AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A TIE.

BUT THE WAY THE COP LOOKED AT ME, I COULD TELL SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

THE WAY HE LOOKED. 'CAUSE HE WAS LIKE,

"OH, NO! OH, SHIT!

UM...

FUCK, MAN. UH...

DO-- DO YOU WANNA PRESS CHARGES?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?! YOU ASKING ME,

DO I WANNA-- NO, YOU NEED TO BE ASKING HER THAT SHIT."

HE'S LIKE, "FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, NO, I DON'T, OKAY?

LOOK AT YOUR DAMN FACE, MAN! LOOK AT YOUR FACE!"

AND WHEN HE TOLD ME TO LOOK AT MY FACE, I GOT EMOTIONAL.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO TELL SOMEBODY WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE EMOTIONAL?

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH THE STORY

BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONS START TO GET THE BEST OF YOU.

THEY TAKE OVER THE STORY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

ALL RIGHT, FUCK IT. OKAY, SHIT.

UM... ALL RIGHT.

FUCK IT.

OKAY, I'M IN A--

I'M IN A--

( stammering ) I'M IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?

AND LIKE, LIKE, LIKE,

LIKE WHILE I'M--

LIKE WHILE I'M SITTIN' AT THE KITCHEN,

( whines ) SHE GONNA LIKE-- SHE GONNA...

SHE GONNA FUCKIN'-- SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND

AND, AND-- SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND,

AND FUCKIN'-- AND LIKE,

SHE WANT FUCKIN' PUT HER FINGER ALL IN MY FACE!

AND I LIKE, LIKE-- I WAS LIKE--

I WAS LIKE-- I SAID--

I WAS LIKE-- I SAID, I SAID--

I WAS LIKE, I SAID,

"DON'T PUT YOUR FUCKIN' HAND IN MY FACE!"

Y'ALL BEEN A GREAT CROWD! MY NAME'S KEV HART.

KEVIN HART, Y'ALL!

ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI. COME ON, Y'ALL!

WHAT, SAY WHAT?

( women, man yelling )

I CAN'T-- COULD YOU KILL YOURSELF LATER ON TONIGHT?

WHO IN THE FUCK IS THAT UP THERE?

( screaming )

SOUND LIKE A RETARDED NIGGA NAMED "JUNIOR"--

( groans )

EVER SEEN 'EM LITTLE STRONG, RETARDED-LOOKIN' DUDES?

( groans )

NIGGA MOVE FURNITURE. PEOPLE HIRE HIM

TO MOVE FURNITURE ALL THE TIME.

"PICK THAT REFRIGERATOR UP!" ( groans )

"DID THAT NIGGA JUST PICK A REFRIGERATOR UP WITH ONE HAND?"

SO WE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME? Y'ALL READY TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN? COME ON!

COMING TO THE STAGE--

IT AIN'T SAFE WHEN IT'S HER ASS

STEP UP ON THE STAGE I'M TELLING YOU.

STRAIGHT OUT OF CALIFORNIA, Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HER.

SHE'S A BAD MOTHERFUCKER!

GIVE IT UP FOR MELANIE COMARCHO, COME ON, Y'ALL!

HELLO, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?

ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE, MAKE SOME NOISE, LADIES!

- ( women cheering ) - WHOO!

WHERE MY INDEPENDENT WOMEN AT?

MAKE SOME NOISE, INDEPENDENT WOMEN!

WAIT, WAIT--

WAIT, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE.

Y'ALL MUST NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A INDEPENDENT WOMAN IS.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, GOT YOUR OWN PLACE,

GOT A JOB,

PAYIN' ALL YOUR BILLS. WHERE Y'ALL AT?

MAKE SOME NOISE UP IN HERE!

WE ALL OVER!

'CAUSE WE HANDLIN' OURS, WE HANDLIN' OURS.

WE GETS DOWN. WE DO EVERYTHING. WE HANDLIN' OURS.

WE REPRESENTIN' IN THIS NEW MILLENNIUM.

AND THE HATERS GOTTA COME OUT, BECAUSE WE HANDLIN' OUR BUSINESS,

HATIN' ON US, TALKIN' ABOUT US,

HOW WE NAME OUR KIDS.

"WHERE'S SHAKANEEKA GONNA FIND A JOB AT?"

"WHERE'S ALEEKA GONNA FIND A JOB AT?"

"THE SAME PLACE CONDOLEEZZA "SHAMEEKA" RICE FOUND ONE, HELLO!"

DON'T GET IT TWISTED, 'CAUSE OPRAH "LUCRETIA" WINFREY

GOT A JOB TOO, OKAY?

TWO MOST POWERFUL WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY'S WORKIN'.

DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABOUT WHERE WE GONNA WORK.

WE HANDLIN' OURS, WE DOIN' WHAT WE--

AIN'T NOTHIN' WE CAN'T DO. AIN'T NO SUCH THING

AS A "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" FOR A INDEPENDENT WOMAN, HELLO!

SHH, PLEASE.

I DONE TOOK A THOUSAND DOLLARS, PAID THE RENT, LIGHT, GAS, PHONE BILL,

BOUGHT A BAG OF WEED, HALF A TANK OF GAS,

AND STILL HAD $20 LEFT.

YOU BETTER ASK SOME-GODDAMN-BODY!

STILL HAD $20! WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.

MATTER OF FACT, ONLY MISSION EVEN CAME CLOSE TO BEING IMPOSSIBLE

WAS FINDING A GOOD MAN, WITH SOME GOOD CREDIT,

A GOOD JOB, AND SOME GOOD DICK.

HELLO?

NOW THAT'S A DAMN "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"

RIGHT THERE, SHIT!

ALL I GET IS PRETENDERS, I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!

ALL Y'ALL WALKIN' AROUND

WITH THEM MAGNUM XLS IN YOUR POCKET. RIGHT!

ALL Y'ALL DON'T WEAR NO MAGNUM XL,

LET'S KEEP IT REAL UP IN HERE.

SOME OF 'EM IN DENIAL, THEY JUST WANNA WEAR ONE ANYWAY.

I'M LIKE, "NO, THAT AIN'T YOUR SIZE, BOO,

THAT AIN'T YOUR SIZE.

SEE THAT AIR BUBBLE RIGHT THERE?

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DICK, OKAY?

AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE NO BIG OLD AIR BUBBLE RIGHT THERE!

YOU TRIPPIN'!

YOU SUPPOSED TO FILL THAT UP."

AND HE LIKE, "NO, THIS THE WAY IT GO."

NO, THAT AIN'T THE WAY IT GO. IT'S COMIN' OFF.

Y'ALL ALWAYS TALKIN' ABOUT, "IT BROKE."

NO, IT FELL OFF, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

SHIT AIN'T BROKE.

FELL OFF-- IN ME!

I GOTTA BE UP ALL NIGHT TRYIN' TO GET THAT SHIT OUT.

GET YOUR SIZE!

SOME MEN JUST GONNA KEEP IT MOVING, TOO.

THEY WANNA TRY ANYTHING-- "NO, THIS MY SIZE, COME ON!"

I'M LIKE, "NO. THE ONLY WAY THAT'S STAYIN' ON,

IS IF YOU PUT YOUR BALLS IN THERE TOO, HELLO.

AIN'T NO OTHER WAY, AIN'T ON OTHER WAY!

YOU NEED DICK AND BALLS TO HOLD THAT MAGNUM XL UP!

YOU BETTER ASK SOME-DAMN-BODY.

ALWAYS PERPETRATIN'.

I HATE THEM BIG BALLS, TOO. ANYBODY EVER HAD THE BIG BALLS?

OH MY GOD.

YOU DON'T KNOW THEY BIG BALLS UNTIL YOU GET DOWN.

'CAUSE IN THE CLUB IN THEM JEANS,

IT LOOK LIKE DICK, DON'T IT?

YOU BE ALL HAPPY, "HEY-YY!"

YOU BE BRAGGING TO YOUR FRIENDS,

"PARTY OVER HERE!"

AND THEN HE DROP THEM DRAWERS, AND AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT BALLS,

THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP SHIT!

MAKE YOU WANNA CALL SOMEBODY.

"GIRL, YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS!

YEAH, IT LOOK LIKE TITTIES. I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK."

BIG OLD TITTY BALLS!

WHEN THEY SAID HE WAS A BALLER, I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW--

NBA OR SOMETHIN'. IT'S BEEN A MIX-UP.

THEM AIN'T THE KIND OF BALLS I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT.

THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS, THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS.

I LOVE Y'ALL, MEN, BUT Y'ALL GOT TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

FIRST OF ALL, LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO

WHEN YOU SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK.

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

A LOT OF Y'ALL JUST DON'T HAVE A CLUE AT ALL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN.

MEN THINK WE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

DURING SEX TO HIDE OUR BODIES.

NO, WE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

SO YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY ELSE, NIGGA!

HELLO!

"YOU DENZEL, YOU DENZEL, DAMN IT, SHUT UP!"

LET ME HAVE MY FANTASY, SHIT.

IF YOU JUST GOTTA TALK, SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME!"

SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HELP ME WITH MY FANTASY.

Y'ALL BE KILLING ME TOO, WITH YOUR LITTLE STUFF AIN'T GETTIN' HARD.

I HATE THAT, OH.

'CAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO RUB ON IT, DON'T THEY, LADIES?

YOU GOTTA BE RUBBIN' AND SHIT...

"SHIT, MY ARM HURT! MY ARM HURT."

"YOU DO IT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, SHIT!"

"YOU BETTER AT IT THAN I AM, SHIT.

WELL, SHOW ME HOW, SHOW ME HOW, IF I AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT."

DON'T BE DOIN' THAT, SILLY-ASS MEN!

Y'ALL, WHAT WE GONNA DO WITH Y'ALL?

Y'ALL LOVE TURNIN' SOME STUFF AROUND TO MAKE IT LOOK

LIKE IT'S OUR FAULT TOO, DON'T THEY ,LADIES?

HELL YEAH!

LIKE WHEN THEY GOT A LITTLE DICK, THEY TRY TO PUT THAT OFF ON US.

"WELL, SHE JUST GOT A BIG OLD COOCHIE."

AIN'T NO SUCH THING. COOCHIE GOT ELASTIC IN IT, HELLO!

AND A REAL WOMAN KNOW HOW TO TIGHTEN HER SHIT UP ANYWAY!

YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY.

DO A COOCHIE CRUNCH ON YOUR ASS.

AIN'T SHIT WRONG WITH ME!

ALL I KNOW IS, MY OTHER FRIEND DON'T POP OUT

WHEN HE COME OVER, SO IT AIN'T ME.

I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, MR. LITTLE MAN.

NOT ME, NOT ME.

LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND, LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND.

LIKE WHEN YOU CAN'T GET A HARD-ON,

Y'ALL TRY TO PUT THAT SHIT OFF ON US.

"WELL, IF YOU'D SHUT UP--"

"SHIT, ALL I SAID WAS, 'WHAT'S THE MATTER?'

SHIT, YOU SHUT UP!"

"YOU THE ONE NEED TO BE CONCENTRATIN' OR SOMETHIN'!"

I COULD TALK ALL NIGHT LONG,

AND MY SHIT'LL WORK JUST FINE.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW, ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE SAY "HELLO!"

Women: HELLO!

SHIT, WE CAN GO TO SLEEP AND OUR SHIT'D BE WORKING.

YOU BETTER ASK SOME-DAMN-BODY!

SILLY-ASS MEN.

THEY ABOUT TO KILL THEIR SELF ON THAT LEVITRA,

AND VIAGRA, AND CIALIS, ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

YOU WASTING YOUR MONEY, JUST WASTING YOUR MONEY.

THERE'S NATURAL WAYS TO GET A HARD-ON, FELLAS.

THERE'S STUFF YOU CAN EAT.

LOOK HOW QUIET IT GOT! "STUFF YOU CAN EAT?"

PUSSY!

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT! I'M MELANIE, THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

YEAH!

( singing gibberish )

COMING TO THE STAGE,

Y'ALL GONNA ENJOY THIS BROTHER.

HE'S BEEN ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS,"

HE'S A CAST MEMBER ON "WILD 'N OUT,"

AND Y'ALL KNOW HIM AS "MONEY MIKE."

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR KATT WILLIAMS!

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WHAT A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

SO BEAUTIFUL.

I'M JUST HERE TO REMIND NIGGAS THAT LIFE IS SHORT.

YOU GOTTA ENJOY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.

ENJOY YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.

STOP BEIN' UNGRATEFUL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.

IF GOD DONE BLESSED YOU WITH A CHRYSLER 300,

NIGGA, STOP TALKING SHIT.

WALKIN' ROUND, TELLIN' NIGGAS, "YEAH NIGGA, THE REASON I GOT IT,

NIGGA, IT'S 'CAUSE IT LOOK LIKE A PHANTOM."

NO, NIGGA, IT LOOK LIKE A CHRYSLER 300.

THE FUCKED-UP PART IS, THAT BITCH DO LO LIKE A PHANTOM

UNTIL A PHANTOM PULL UP.

THE YOU JUST AT THE LIGHT, JUST...

"THIS IS BULLSHIT. I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE ON THIS STREET, NIGGA,

I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE ON THIS STREET."

I'M SAYIN', YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.

IF I'D KNOW 50 CENT MADE IT REAL COOL TO BE SHOT.

LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING-- NIGGAS, YOU CAN'T BE HARD

ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME. WE ALL KNOW NIGGAS IS HARD TOO OFTEN.

7:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING, THESE NIGGAS HARD.

WAIT A MINUTE, IS YOU ANGRY AT BREAKFAST, NIGGA?

YOU GANG-BANGIN' ON BACON, NIGGA, YOU--?

I KNOW 50 DONE MADE IT COOL TO BE SHOT.

I BEEN SHOT BEFORE, AIN'T SHIT COOL ABOUT IT.

WHEN I GOT SHOT, AIN'T NO MUSIC PLAY,

AIN'T NO BITCHES COME OUT, NOTHIN'.

THE FUCKED-UP PART IS WHEN I GOT SHOT, I WASN'T EVEN IN A ALTERCATION.

I'M OUTSIDE THE CLUB WATCHING SOME OTHER NIGGAS.

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT THESE CRAZY-ASS NIGGAS!"

"AW, THESE NIGGAS FIXING TO FIGHT. OH, THAT NIGGA GOT A GUN.

IT'S FIXING GET GO." BAM!

"WAIT A MINUTE! JESUS!

PIMP DOWN! PIMP 32, BITCH, GET THE TRUCK!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I DONE GOT BLOOD IN MY PERM, NIGGA, I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT!

I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT!

I'M JUST SAYIN' LIFE IS SHORT.

LADIES, Y'ALL NEED TO STOP STRESSIN' ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, BITCH, IF YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT TO YOU,

YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT TO ANY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT...

AND JUST DEAL WITH IT.

WE ARE TIRED OF Y'ALL GETTING IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH US

AND BLAMING US FOR SHIT WE AIN'T EVEN IN CONTROL OF.

YOU DONE GOT WITH A NIGGA, YOU TALKING ABOUT--

"YOU FUCKED UP MY SELF-ESTEEM."

"BITCH, IT'S CALLED 'SELF-ESTEEM'!

IT'S ESTEEM OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF, BITCH!

HOW THE FUCK DID I FUCK UP HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU?"

AND DON'T GET MAD 'CAUSE I'M CALLING YOU "BITCHES."

I'M ONLY CALLING YOU BITCHES 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAMES INDIVIDUALLY.

SHAMMA-NA-NAYA SHABBA-DA-SHAT.

I'M JUST SAYIN', LADIES, I'M JUST SAYIN',

YOU GOTTA BE THE SHIT TO YOU, LADIES.

YOU GOTTA BE THE SHIT TO YOU.

SOME OF Y'ALL STRESS ENTIRELY TOO FUCKIN' MUCH

ABOUT SHIT THAT NIGGAS DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF NIGGADOM,

HAS A NIGGA BEEN GETTIN' READY TO FUCK A WOMAN,

AND CHANGED HIS MIND 'CAUSE HER FINGERNAILS

AND TOENAILS DIDN'T MATCH. NOT ONCE! NOT NEVER!

NEVER HAS A NIGGA BEEN PUTTIN' A CONDOM ON, AND WENT,

"BITCH, IS THAT PLUM AND RED?

I CAN'T EVEN DO IT, BITCH. I CAN'T EVEN DO IT. I'M OUTTA HERE!"

NOT ONCE! NOT ONCE!

Y'ALL BE WORRYING ABOUT SHIT, DON'T EVEN MATTER.

SOME OF YOU DONE HAD SOME KIDS.

NOW YOU GOT SOME STRETCH MARKS.

YOU WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE BITTER

BLAMING THE BABY,

SHOWING THE BABY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE,

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"

LADIES, IF YOUR MAN GOT A STRETCH MARK--

THAT'S MAD ABOUT YOUR STRETCH MARKS,

I SUGGEST THAT YOU STOP FUCKING WITH BITCH NIGGAS.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REAL NIGGAS IN ATTENDANCE

WHEN I SAY WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY

ABOUT NO SIMPLE SHIT LIKE STRETCH MARKS.

BITCH, WE KNOW THEY EITHER CAME FROM ONE OF TWO THINGS--

EITHER YOU WAS BIG AND GOT SMALL,

OR YOU WAS SMALL AND GOT BIG!

EITHER WAY, WE FUCKING. EITHER WAY!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

IT'S ALL THE FUCK I'M SAYING.

LADIES, YOU GOTTA START TAKING SOME RESPONSIBILITY

FOR YOUR OWN MISERABLE LIFE.

IF YOU OVER 25 YEARS OLD, YOU STILL WALKING AROUND HERE

TALKING ABOUT "NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT,"

BITCH, YOU NEED TOROW THE FUCK UP, WITH YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ASS!

WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY,

WAS ALL THE NIGGAS YOU FUCK WITH AIN'T SHIT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOUR PUSSY

THAT KEEP ATTRACTING "AIN'T-SHIT" NIGGAS!

MIGHT BE "AIN'T-SHIT" PUSSY!

JUST SAYING, LIFE IS SHORT. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

YOU GOTTA ENJOY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. IF WE DIDN'T LEARN SHIT FROM LOUISIANA,

WE LEARNED YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GOT RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK MAY HAPPEN.

THAT LOUISIANA SHIT, THAT--

THAT SHIT CHANGED MY WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOTHING THAT GODDAMN SAD.

THERE'S GANGSTA NIGGAS IN L.A.,

THEM NIGGAS IN LOUISIANA WAS GANGSTA THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU CAN BE GANGSTA IN GOOD WEATHER.

THESE NIGGAS WAS GANGSTA IN 99 FEET OF MOTHERFUCKIN' WATER.

NIGGA, HOW IS YOU SWIMMING, AND KEEPING YOUR PISTOL

OUT THE WATER AT THE SAME TIME?

NIGGAS--

IF THAT AIN'T SOME GANGSTA SHIT!

Y'ALL BEEN ALL THAT! I'M KATT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Epps: KATT WILLIAMS!

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, MAN, I'D LIKE TO THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING--

RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL! RUSSL SIMMONS!

THANK YOU FOR COMIN' OUT, GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT!

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