Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST-- MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

JAY PHILLIPS,

DOMINIQUE AND TONY ROBERTS!

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J.,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK! - ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH! YEAH!

MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH! YEAH!

UH!

( sings hip-hop song )

KID CAPRI, Y'ALL. KID CAPRI!

THE HOTTEST D.J.

IN THE WHOLE PLANET!

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, AND THE GOVERNMENT CHECKIN' HERE TONIGHT.

I HOPE CHILD SUPPORT DON'T SEE THIS EPISODE.

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD. WHERE ARE MY NIGGAS AT?

- NIGGAS! WOOF WOOF! - ( audience woofing )

WHERE THE MEXICANS AT? ESES, ESES?

THERE'S A COUPLE OF THEM IN HERE.

I KNEW THEY WAS IN HERE

'CAUSE I SMELLED FABRIC SOFTENER.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED WHERE THEY WAS.

THEM ARE SOME CLOTHES-WASHING MOTHERFUCKERS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE FUCK Y'ALL SAY.

LITTLE GUADALUPE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DRYER.

GET THE FUCK OUT IN FRONT OF THE DRYER.

( Hispanic accent ) I HAVE TWO MORE LOADS, TWO MORE LOADS.

THEY ALL LIVE TOGETHER TOO.

IT'S A LOT OF THEM. SHIT.

SOME MEXICANS LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME.

I SEEN A NEW ONE EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU LIVING THERE?" "THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S MY TURN TO COME OUT, MAN."

GOD DAMN, THERE'S A 109 OF Y'ALL IN THAT HOUSE.

NIGGAS CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER, CAN THEY?

NIGGAS BE PUTTING NAMES ON JUICE AND SHIT.

"RAMONE'S JUICE." WHO THE FUCK IS RAMONE?

WHERE'S THE APPLE JUICE AT IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?

LOOK AT THESE NIGGAS HERE. LOOK AT THE PICNIC TABLECLOTH SHIRT

ON THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE.

HEY, BOO-BOO, LET ME GET A PICNIC BASKET.

BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD IN A GOVERNMENT CHECK.

THIS NIGGA GOT HIM A WHITE GIRL. FUCK IT!

GET YOUR RENT PAID BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD OUT HERE. L.A. IS IN THE HOUSE.

L.A., L.A.!

GANG-BANG CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

YOU NIGGAS KILL FOR RECREATION OUT HERE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GANG BANGERS LOOK GOOD IN L.A.

BOY, THEM NIGGAS DO A DRIVE-BY-- POP POP POP.

POLICE, "WHO WAS THAT?" "I DON'T KNOW.

THEY WAS BEAUTIFUL THAN A MOTHERFUCKER

I SEEN PERMS BOUNCING AND SHIT."

Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC?

COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!

COMING TO THE STAGE STRAIGHT OUTTA D.C.,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JAY PHILLIPS.

YEAH YEAH YEAH! DEF JAM! WHAT IT IS, Y'ALL?

YEAH!

THEY MOVED THIS MOTHERFUCKER WEST THIS TIME.

I KNOW WHY THEY DID IT. GOD DAMN IT, I'M FROM THE EAST COAST.

I MOVED WEST MYSELF. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT I DIDN'T MOVE OUT HERE TO CHASE THIS ENTERTAINMENT DREAM.

I MOVED OUT HERE 'CAUSE THE QUALITY OF WEED

IS THAT MUCH BETTER OVER HERE.

THE WEED OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER WILL MAKE YOU THINK TWICE

ABOUT SMOKING AGAIN. NIGGA, THAT SHIT IS OFFICIAL.

OH, NIGGA, WEED GOT PROBLEMS.

IT'LL MAKE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

LIKE I KNOW, IT MAKE YOU LOSE SHIT.

LIKE, IT MAKE ME LOSE STUFF. LIKE, UH...

YEAH-- LOSING SHIT.

I FUCKED AROUND, LOST CABLE ONE DAY.

I GOT SO HIGH, I FORGOT I WAS STEALING CABLE.

I CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT SHIT.

WE WERE ARGUING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

SIR, YOU DO NOT HAVE CABLE.

( inhaling )

( holding breath ) YES, I DO, NIGGA.

( exhales )

GOT TIVO AND EVERYTHING, NIGGA.

GOTTA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. I KNOW.

I'M GONNA SLOW DOWN ON WEED 'CAUSE IT'S STARTING

TO FUCK WITH MY JUDGMENT. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

IT'S MAKING THINGS WORK THAT SHOULDN'T WORK.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY I'M RIDING AROUND,

I HEARD A COMMERCIAL ON THE RADIO

THAT WAS SO GOOD, IT CONVINCED ME THAT MY CREDIT WAS GOOD ENOUGH

TO GO DOWN TO THE DEALERSHIP AND GIVE IT A SHOT.

I THOUGHT THAT NIGGA WAS TALKING RIGHT TO ME.

HE WAS ANSWERING EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF.

MY CAR WOULDN'T START. ( mimics engine sputtering )

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY CAR? HE CAME IN RIGHT ON CUE.

"NEED A NEW CAR?"

"HELL YEAH, I NEED A NEW CAR."

"HOW ABOUT THE BRAND-NEW HUMMER?

"NIGGA, HOW ABOUT THE BRAND-NEW HUMMER?

I AIN'T GOT NO HUMMER MONEY." "ZERO MONEY DOWN.

$99 A MONTH. YOU GOT THAT?"

"I JUST GOT THAT OUT OF THE COINSTAR MACHINE.

HELL, YEAH, I GOT THAT.

BUT THAT'S FOR NIGGAS WITH GOOD CREDIT."

"GOOD CREDIT, BAD CREDIT, BANKRUPTCY, CHILD SUPPORT, DIVORCE--

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"

"WELL, NIGGA, THAT IS ME.

HOW YOU DO THAT?" "I GOT MY OWN FINANCE COMPANY.

I CAN FINANCE ANYBODY I WANT TO. COME ON DOWN.

YOU CAN RIDE OUT THE DAY." "NIGGA, I AM ON THE WAY.

AND I AIN'T EVEN GOT TO STOP AT THE GODDAMN BANK.

I GOT ZERO DOWN ON ME, NIGGA."

I GOT DOWN TO THE DEALERSHIP TALKING SHIT.

I WALK RIGHT IN THE DOOR. "Y'ALL CALLED ME ON THE RADIO.

TOLD ME TO COME DOWN HERE AND PICK UP A TRUCK."

AND I GUESS THEY HAD ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

'CAUSE THEY BROUGHT AROUND ONE OF THE NICEST TRUCKS

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

IT WAS A BRAND NEW FULLY CUSTOMIZED H2 HUMMER,

ALREADY SITTING ON 24-INCH RIMS.

HAD THE TINTED WINDOWS, THE CANDY PAINT.

LOOKED IN THE INSIDE, GOT A GPS SYSTEM,

FOUR DVD PLAYERS, LASER LIGHTS

AND ALL KINDS OF BULLSHIT GOING ON IN THERE.

NIGGA, I HAD A GREAT TIME. THAT WAS-- OH!

NIGGA, THAT WAS THE-- YEAH.

OH, THAT WAS A NICE TRUCK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL DRIVING,

BUT WHEN YOU RIDE IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

I FELT GREAT ABOUT MY LIFE. THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

WE TEST DROVE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT TRUCK.

SIX HOURS, NIGGA.

I WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK.

EVERYBODY IN L.A. SAW ME IN THAT.

THAT WAS A GREAT DAY UNTIL WE HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT DEALERSHIP,

'CAUSE HE TYPED MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IN THAT MACHINE.

HE ACT LIKE WE WEREN'T FRIENDS OR NOTHING NO MORE.

LIKE, "SIR, THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I EVER HAD ON A TEST DRIVE IN MY LIFE."

I SAID, "YEAH, MAN, ME TOO."

LET ME GET YOU IN THAT TRUCK. GIMME THAT SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,

YOU SON OF A BITCH."

( mimics keys clicking )

"JESUS!

SUPPOSED TO BE THREE NUMBERS. WHAT THE FUCK--

SIR, WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU CAN STILL RIDE OUT THE DAY."

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR."

HE SAID, "YEAH, BUT JUST NOT IN THAT PARTICULAR VEHICLE."

"JUST TAKE ME TO WHAT I CAN GET. MY SHIT WON'T EVEN START.

SO LET'S DO SOMETHING." SO HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT, MAN, LET'S GO."

SO WE WENT OUT IN THE DEALERSHIP. IT WAS A BIG-ASS DEALERSHIP.

WE WENT OUT THERE AND HAD THESE LITTLE GOLF CARTS TO RIDE YOU AROUND.

WE JUMPED IN ONE OF THEM GOLF CARTS AND STARTED RIDING THROUGH THE LITTLE LOT.

AND WE WENT THROUGH OVER TO THE H3s. Y'ALL KNOW THE H3s, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE LITTLE TEENY HUMMER. THAT'S NOT THE "DUDE" HUMMER.

THAT'S THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BUY FOR YOUR GIRL

AFTER YOU MAKE IT. THAT IS NOT THE MAN HUMMER.

BUT I'M FIGURING, ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S A LITTLE BETTER ON GAS,

THAT'S WHAT I GOTTA RIDE IN, A LITTLE CHEAPER.

I HAD TO PUT SOME RIMS ON IT OR SOMETHING.

BUT WE DIDN'T REALLY SLOW DOWN THROUGH THAT SECTION.

WE KEPT DIPPING RIGHT THROUGH THOSE.

THEN HE RODE ME OVER TO THE H2s.

I'M FIGURING, "ALL RIGHT I'M BACK IN THE GAME.

I JUST CAN'T GET ALL THAT CUSTOMIZED SHIT ON MY-- I CAN DO THAT."

WE PULLED UP ON THIS WHITE ONE. IT WAS COOL, MAN.

HAD A SALESMAN IN IT ALREADY.

I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THAT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE BUYING SOMETHING NICE,

YOU WANT GOOD SERVICE. AND HE JUMPED OUT, SHOOK MY HAND.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF FEATURES IT HAVE ON IT?"

BUT I TURNED AROUND. THIS NIGGA WAS ALREADY SITTING IN THE GOLF CART.

HE WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN, LET'S GO." SO WE LEFT THAT SECTION,

AND THESE NIGGAS TOOK ME

OVER TO THE ORIGINAL HUMMERS.

KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? THEM FIRST HUMMERS EVER MADE?

THEM DESERT STORM THROWBACK JOINTS?

THE KIND THAT COME IN CAMOUFLAGE TAN

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WAX IT, IT'LL NEVER SHINE.

GOT A GUN ON THE TOP.

SO WE BANGED A RIGHT WHEN WE GOT THERE,

AND WENT ACROSS THE STREET...

OVER TO THE USED CAR LOT, RIGHT?

SO WE WAS RIDING THROUGH THE USED CAR LOT, WHICH WASN'T THAT BAD,

UNTIL WE GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK. AND IN THE BACK,

THERE WAS THIS SHOP BACK THERE.

AND IN THAT SHOP, THEY FIXED THE CARS

THAT DON'T QUITE QUALIFY TO BE SOLD IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA YET.

AND THEN THEY LINE THEM UP AGAINST THE FENCE, THIS LITTLE RAGGEDY-ASS FENCE.

SO WE PULL RIGHT UP AGAINST THAT FENCE,

AND THESE NIGGAS GOT OUT AND STARTED LOOKING AROUND,

AND THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GAP IN THE FENCE.

SO THEN I SLID THROUGH THIS LITTLE GAP IN THE FENCE,

WALKED DOWN THIS LITTLE TRAIL AND SHIT.

I GOTTA GO, BUT IN A NUTSHELL,

THEM NIGGAS WALKED ME BACK TO MY VERY OWN VEHICLE,

SAID, "YOU CAN RIDE OUT IN THAT TILL YOU GET

YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, GOD DAMN IT."

MY NAME IS JAY PHILLIPS. ONE LOVE.

I GOT A BUDDY THAT DO KARATE, BUT HE HAD A SHIT BAG ON

'CAUSE HE GOT POPPED.

BUT THE NIGGA TRAINED KARATE, RIGHT?

SOMEBODY KICKED HIM IN THE BAG, BUSTED... POW!

SO ONE OF MY BUDDIES CALLED ME,

SAID, "GET DOWN HERE, MAN. TONY JUST GOT THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM."

Y'ALL READY FOR THE NEXT COMIC? COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS--

WHEN I GO ON THE ROAD, THERE'S THREE THINGS THAT I LIKE TO TAKE WITH ME,

A SACK OF WEED, A .22 WITH DUCT TAPE ON IT

AND THIS YOUNG LADY, STRAIGHT OUT OF SOUTHEAST D.C.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR DOMINIQUE!

WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? HEY, KID!

- Kid Capri: LOOKS GOOD, BABY. - HOW Y'ALL DOING?

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

MEXICANS IN HERE. I LOVE THE MEXICANS TOO.

Y'ALL ARE ALL RIGHT. I MEAN, 'CAUSE THEY NIGGAS TOO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF.

IF YOU AIN'T WHITE, YOU A NIGGA.

MEXICAN, JAMAICAN, PUERTO RICAN, WE ALL THE SAME.

GEORGE BUSH DON'T SEE NOTHING BUT US AND THEM.

AND IF YOU AIN'T US, NIGGA, YOU THEM.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

'CAUSE IF THEY PULLED UP A BUS RIGHT NOW AND SAID WE WAS GOING BACK TO SLAVERY,

ESE, THAT'D MEAN YOU TOO.

JAMAICAN BOY, BRING THE WEED. YOU COME ON TOO.

ASIANS, BRING THE COMPUTERS. Y'ALL COME ON TOO.

BRING A HONDA ACCORD WHILE YOU AT IT, GOD DAMN IT.

THERE'S A NEW SLAVERY-- www.slavery.com.

GET YOUR DICK OFF THE INTERNET.

THEY JUST CLICK YOUR PICTURE UP, AND YOU COME ON GRINNING.

CLICK CLICK.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO IN YOUR LIFE,

IF IT DON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY, PRAY AND LET IT GO.

DON'T WALK AROUND WITH THAT NEGATIVITY.

THAT SHIT MAKE YOU SICK, MAN.

FOR REAL.

WALK AROUND WITH THAT SHIT.

YOU GOTTA HEALTHY. BE IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

DON'T BE GETTING BEAT UP AND SHIT.

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T BE FALLING IN LOVE QUICK.

THESE NIGGAS WHOOPING ASS IS WHOLESALE.

YOU GOTTA GET TO KNOW THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEY'LL BEAT YOUR ASS. HE MIGHT BE ON PRESCRIPTION.

GET TO KNOW THAT NIGGA. YOU FRYING SOME CHICKEN,

HE JUST WHOP YOU UPSIDE YOUR GODDAMN HEAD.

YOU LIKE, "WHAT YOU HIT ME FOR?" "'CAUSE I WANTED TO.

AND I'LL HIT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS AGAIN. THAT'S WHY."

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

GOTTA GET TO KNOW THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

DON'T BE GETTING YOUR FRIENDS INVOLVED IF YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T LEAVING.

MY FRIEND GETTIN' PISTOL-WHIPPED AND SHE CALLING ME.

"IF HE PISTOL-WHIPPING YOU AND HE LOVE YOU, WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO?"

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I GO OVER THERE,

HE HIT ME IN MY HEAD WITH A BRICK.

NOW, I'M IN THE HOSPITAL ON THE TUBE

BLINKING ONCE FOR "NO" AND TWICE FOR "YEAH."

I'M PARALYZED ON MY LEFT SIDE

AND Y'ALL SENDING OUT WEDDING INVITATIONS.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

BITCH, YOU CRAZY.

YOU OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' MIND.

MY MOTHER GOTTA FEED ME

AND YOU BOPPIN' DOWN THE AISLE GETTIN' MARRIED.

I'MA COME GET YOU, I'MA HONK THE HORN

AND YOU RUN THE FUCK OUT.

IF HE CHASE YOU, I'MA DRIVE UP THE STREET--

"RUN FASTER.

HE 'BOUT TO CATCH YOU, JUMP ON THE TRUNK.

RUN FASTER."

SHIT.

YOU GOTTA BE HEALTHY AND HAVE A HEALTHY--

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

GET YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE TOGETHER.

GET A HEALTH CARD. THEY CLOSING ALL THESE LITTLE GEORGE--

MARTIN LUTHER KING HOSPITALS DOWN.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO HEALTH CARD, YOU GONNA BE SHORT.

YOU RIDIN' AROUND ON SPINNERS

AND GOT CHEST PAIN ALL UP AND THROUGH YOUR GODDAMN HEART.

TALK ABOUT WHAT SIDE YOUR HEART ON, THIS SIDE OR THIS SIDE?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S BEEN HURTIN' ABOUT A MONTH,

I DON'T KNOW.

GET YOUR ASS A HEALTH CARD. THEY AIN'T GONNA SEE YOU.

YOU GONNA WALK IN , YOU GONNA SAY, "MAY I SEE THE DOCTOR?"

MY CHEST HURT AND THEY GONNA SAY "CAN I SEE YOUR CARD?

YOU DON'T HAVE NO CARD?

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD UP. SHARON.

HE SAID HE AIN'T GOT NO CARD.

TELL HIM WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE, YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN.

I GOTTA TALK TO SHARON. HOLD UP.

PUT THE PAPER DOWN! HOLD UP.

TELL HIM WHAT? OH, SHE TOLD ME TELL YOU

DRINK A GINGER ALE AND GO LIKE THIS, NIGGA.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T GET THAT GAS TO MOVE, MOTHERFUCKER.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T BELCH OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

Y'ALL, BUT...

I'M TELLING YOU, BE GOOD PARENTS TOO.

THESE KIDS THE FUTURE.

YOU GOTTA BE GOOD PARENTS. THEY THE FUTURE.

THEY GOTTA KNOW THEY LIVE IN A ROUGH WORLD,

BUT YOU GOTTA LOOK OUT FOR THESE MOTHERFUCKERS FOR REAL.

THEY ARE, 'CAUSE THE WORLD IS CRAZY.

BE GOOD PARENTS. IF YOU AIN'T THE BETTER PARENT

LET THEM BE WITH THE BETTER PARENT.

SOMETIMES YOU AIN'T THE BETTER PARENT.

I GOT KIDS, AND RIGHT NOW I AIN'T THE BETTER PARENT.

THE RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER. HE LEFT,

SO I SENT THEM WITH HIM. THEY LOOK LIKE HIM.

THAT'S WHO THE FUCK THEY NEED TO BE WITH.

I NEVER GET MY SELF-ESTEEM UP

WALKING AROUND WITH A MOTHERFUCKER THAT LOOK LIKE YOU ALL DAY LONG.

SOMETIME I JUST TELL MY SON, "TURN THE FUCK AROUND!

'CAUSE YOUR FACE--" I'M FEELIN' REAL SET UP--

THEM "SQUINCHY" EYES AND SHIT.

JUST GOT THE FUCK IN THE ROOM,

I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

( sighs ) Y'ALL ARE COOL.

I WATCH A LITTLE SHIT ON TV TOO LIKE A&E.

Y'ALL WATCH THAT SHIT? "INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS"?

- Audience: YEAH! - SHIT GOOD, AIN'T IT?

IT TEACH YOU HOW TO KILL SOMEBODY THOUGH.

NO BULLSHIT. I TOLD MY FRIEND, "I'M ABOUT THREE EPISODES

FROM CHOPPING YOU THE FUCK UP."

I'MA MAIL YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE GLOBE, MOTHERFUCKER.

BUT MY FAVORITE SHOW IS "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED."

YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THAT

SO YOU KNOW WHO YOUR NEIGHBOR IS.

YOU OVER THERE PLAYING SPADES

AND HE THE ONE KILLIN' BITCHES

ALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SHIT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HE KILLED--" HE ABOUT TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF TOO.

ABOUT 3:30.

BUT WHAT IF YOU SITTIN' WITH A NIGGA AND HE COME ON THERE,

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY?

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY? YOU KNOW, YOU THINK THIS NIGGA THE ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? Y'ALL CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

HE LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

I AIN'T SAYING IT'S YOU, BUT IT LOOK LIKE YOU.

Y'ALL GOT THE SAME TATTOO AND EVERYTHING!

I'M NOT GETTIN' SMART.

WHY YOU STANDING UP AND SHIT?

I'M NOT GETTIN' SMART WITH YOU!

YOU GETTIN' UPSET. I'M NOT GETTIN' SMART WITH YOU.

( quietly ) OKAY, I'MA LOWER MY VOICE,

I'M NOT GETTING SMART WITH YOU.

I'M NOT. JUST SIT DOWN, JUST SIT DOWN.

I'M NOT.

I'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

Y'ALL GOT THE SAME NAME AND EVERYTHING.

TWINS DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME GODDAMN NAME!

OKAY, WELL I AIN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING THEN.

I'M ABOUT TO GO TO THE MALL.

I KNOW IT'S CLOSED, BUT I'MA SEE IF THEY OPEN IT UP AND LET ME IN.

I DON'T KNOW.

GET OFF MY ARM. THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID YOU DID TO THAT LADY.

GET THE FUCK OFF MY ARM."

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DOMINIQUE, I HAD A BALL, BABY.

ONE MORE TIME FOR DOMINIQUE, Y'ALL. COME ON NOW!

ALL RIGHT. ( grunts )

KID CAPRI!

WE GONNA KEEP THIS PARTY ROLLIN' NOW.

Y'ALL READY? Y'ALL READY FOR SOME MORE?

LET'S DO IT!

COMING TO THE STAGE-- I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GONNA ENJOY THIS DUDE.

HE GET DOWN HOW HE LIVE.

STRAIGHT OUT OF DETROIT, Y'ALL GIVE IT UP

FOR THE SECOND TIME-- TONY ROBERTS!

YEAH, KID, HIT ME WITH SOMETHING, BABY.

HIT ME WITH SOMETHING SWEET.

( electronic music playing )

( rapping )

I HAD A BODYGUARD. THAT NIGGA GOT KNOCKED OUT.

THEN HE GONNA COME BACK TO WORK.

I SAID "NIGGA, I CAN'T USE YOU.

YOU QUIT!" HE SAID "WHEN I QUIT?"

"WHEN YOUR BACK HIT THE GROUND, THAT'S WHEN.

I NEED SOMEBODY THAT CAN FIGHT!"

HE'S GONNA TELL ME-- ( laughs )

LAUGH, NIGGA, LAUGH!

SOME IVY LEAGUE NIGGAS HERE.

HE DON'T WANNA LAUGH, HE DON'T GOTTA LAUGH.

HE SPELL HIS LAUGHS. H-A! H-A! H-A!

A! H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A! H-A...

H-A! H-A!

"I DON'T NEED TO LAUGH, I CAN SPELL IT."

LAUGH, MOTHERFUCKER!

I LOVE Y'ALL LADIES LOOKIN' GOOD.

YOU MATCHING BRA AND PANTIES.

THAT'S RESPECT!

BUT WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU GOT ON, DO WE FELLAS?

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK-- I HAD A GIRL, TITTIES OUT.

I WENT FOR HER PANTS, SHE SAID "NO, I CAN'T DO THIS,

I'M NOT MATCHING."

I SAID "BITCH, I DON'T CARE IF YOU GOT A DIAPER WITH A CANTEEN RIGHT HERE.

TAKE THAT SHIT OFF."

WOMEN LOVE TO GET THEM PEDICURES, DON'T THEY?

YOU GET YOUR PEDICURES RIGHT HERE,

THAT'S RESPECT. I LIKE-- I LIKE THAT.

BUT LOTION THIS SHIT TOO.

YOU GOT THE FRENCH TIPS RIGHT HERE,

THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' ASHTRAY.

LIKE YOU BEEN WALKING AROUND ALL DAY LIKE THIS--

( mimics whooshing )

( audience booing )

LIKE YOU BEEN IN THE PARK LETTIN' BIRDS EAT OFF YOUR HEELS.

"OVER HERE, BIRDIE! BIRD!

TWEET TWEET TWEET! TWEETY-- BIRDIE!

H-A! H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A!

( laughing )

H TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN' A.

JAY PHILLIPS WAS TELLING ME, WHITE LADIES,

PLEASE STOP TALKING BACK TO THE POLICE.

WE RAN WITH SOME WHITE GIRLS.

ME AND KID CAPRI IN BEVERLY HILLS RAN WITH SOME WHITE GIRLS.

THE POLICE-- THIS WHITE GIRL RAN A RED LIGHT.

WHY? I DON'T KNOW. SHE WHITE.

HERE COME THE POLICE. WHOOP WHOOP!

I SAID "OH, GET MY SHIT TOGETHER." ( grunts )

I AIN'T GOING TO JAIL FOR THIS BITCH.

I SAID "GIVE 'EM YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. I GO THROUGH IT ALL THE TIME."

SHE SAID, "NO, FUCK THIS. THIS IS DISRESPECTFUL TO ME."

I SAID "LOOK, AMBER, DON'T FUCK UP!

HERE THEY COME, RIGHT THERE. AND SHE'S CUSSING 'EM OUT.

"OFFICER, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

MY BLACK FRIEND WILL WHUP YOUR ASS!"

I GOT OUT THE CAR. HE SAID "WHERE YOU GOING?"

I SAID "I'M GETTING IN YOUR CAR."

THAT BITCH DONE GOT ME 90 DAYS.

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

WHAT'S UP, BROTHER? HOW YOU DOING?

GOT THE SUIT ON. YOU'D MAKE A GOOD PALLBEARER. YOU BIG AS SHIT.

HE CARRY THE CASKET BY HISSELF.

I GOT IT, GRANDMA. COME ON, Y'ALL.

FOLLOW ME TO THE GRAVESITE!

I AIN'T TOUGH AT ALL. FUCK THAT.

MY FRIENDS, THEY Q-DOGS. THEY GOT THE BRAND ON THE ARM.

THEY TOOK THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BRAND AND--

( mimics sizzle ) THEY WANT ME TO DO THE SAME THING.

YOU NEED YOUR ASS BEAT.

THEY WANT ME TO SEE THE HOT IRON COMIN'

AND WAIT ON IT. NIGGA, YOU CRAZY.

I BUMPED INTO A LIT INCENSE ONE DAY AND LOST MY MIND.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

WHO PUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' INCENSE RIGHT THERE, GOD DAMN IT?!

THAT'S THIRD-DEGREE BURN, MOTHERFUCKER.

I SEE SOME LADIES LOOKING GOOD WITH THE LITTLE-BITTY TITTIES,

I LIKE THAT, LITTLE BITTY--

I WENT TO A TITTY BAR. GIRL TRY TO SHAKE HER TITTY,

SHE ALMOST BROKE HER COLLAR BONE, SHE WENT...

YOU GONNA KILL YOURSELF, BITCH.

( laughs )

I SEE SOME YOUNG GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE.

YOUNG GUYS, Y'ALL GOTTA KNOW HOW TO TREAT THESE FEMALES.

WHEN YOU GET 'EM IN THE BED, TREAT 'EM RIGHT.

YOU GOT SOME REAL LADIES IN HERE.

THEY ALL SUBTLE AND SHIT.

I DO DIFFERENT SHIT. I WAS WATCHING A PORN WITH THIS GIRL.

I SAID "WE GONNA DO WHATEVER THEY DO.

WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING, WE DO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, HE GOING DOWN ON HER, I'M ABOUT TO DO YOU.

NOW, TAP ME WHEN IT'S MY TURN 'CAUSE I CAN'T SEE."

I LOOK UP, THE CREDITS GOING UP.

( mutters ) SAID, WHAT THE FUCK?

I ATE HER PUSSY THROUGH A WHOLE MOVIE!

I GOT A BET THOUGH. I SUCKED HER PUSSY SO HARD

HER EYEBROWS DROPPED LIKE THIS.

THAT BITCH IS LOOKING SUSPICIOUS.

SHE SAY "WHAT YOU DO TO ME?

I CAN'T GO TO WORK LIKE THIS. I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER!"

SHE'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE SHY GIRLS.

( mimics trembling laughter )

GET THE SHY GIRL BEHIND THE BEDROOM DOOR,

SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HIP.

OUTSIDE, THEY LIKE THIS, "NO THANK YOU, NO THANK YOU."

( giggles ) "NO THANK YOU."

IN THE BEDROOM-- ( growling )

( screeches )

MY NAME TONY ROBERTS, I LOVE YA'LL.

TONY ROBERTS, Y'ALL.

THAT NIGGA'S A FOOL.

SO, Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? YOU HAD A GOOD TIME?

AND NOW, THE MAN WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE, WHO'S PAYING ALL THE BILLS--

GIVE IT UP FOR THE ONE AND ONLY RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL.

( theme music playing )

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT! GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

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