All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s08e03.eng

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

"RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"!

WITH YOUR HOST--
MIKE EPPS!

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

JAY PHILLIPS,

DOMINIQUE
AND TONY ROBERTS!

I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J.,

THE KID CAPRI!

- AND WE ARE BACK!
- ( crowd cheering )

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH! YEAH!

MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH!
YEAH!

UH!

( sings hip-hop song )

KID CAPRI, Y'ALL.
KID CAPRI!

THE HOTTEST D.J.

IN THE WHOLE PLANET!

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD,
AND THE GOVERNMENT CHECKIN' HERE TONIGHT.

I HOPE CHILD SUPPORT
DON'T SEE THIS EPISODE.

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD.
WHERE ARE MY NIGGAS AT?

- NIGGAS! WOOF WOOF!
- ( audience woofing )

WHERE THE MEXICANS AT?
ESES, ESES?

THERE'S A COUPLE
OF THEM IN HERE.

I KNEW THEY WAS IN HERE

'CAUSE I SMELLED
FABRIC SOFTENER.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED
WHERE THEY WAS.

THEM ARE SOME
CLOTHES-WASHING MOTHERFUCKERS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
THE FUCK Y'ALL SAY.

LITTLE GUADALUPE STANDING
IN FRONT OF THE DRYER.

GET THE FUCK OUT
IN FRONT OF THE DRYER.

( Hispanic accent )
I HAVE TWO MORE LOADS, TWO MORE LOADS.

THEY ALL
LIVE TOGETHER TOO.

IT'S A LOT OF THEM.
SHIT.

SOME MEXICANS
LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME.

I SEEN A NEW ONE
EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.

I WAS LIKE,
"YOU LIVING THERE?" "THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S MY TURN
TO COME OUT, MAN."

GOD DAMN, THERE'S A 109
OF Y'ALL IN THAT HOUSE.

NIGGAS CAN'T LIVE
TOGETHER, CAN THEY?

NIGGAS BE PUTTING NAMES
ON JUICE AND SHIT.

"RAMONE'S JUICE."
WHO THE FUCK IS RAMONE?

WHERE'S THE APPLE JUICE AT
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?

LOOK AT THESE NIGGAS HERE.
LOOK AT THE PICNIC TABLECLOTH SHIRT

ON THIS NIGGA
RIGHT HERE.

HEY, BOO-BOO,
LET ME GET A PICNIC BASKET.

BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD
IN A GOVERNMENT CHECK.

THIS NIGGA GOT HIM
A WHITE GIRL. FUCK IT!

GET YOUR RENT PAID
BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD
OUT HERE. L.A. IS IN THE HOUSE.

L.A., L.A.!

GANG-BANG CAPITAL
OF THE WORLD.

YOU NIGGAS KILL
FOR RECREATION OUT HERE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE GANG BANGERS LOOK GOOD IN L.A.

BOY, THEM NIGGAS
DO A DRIVE-BY-- POP POP POP.

POLICE, "WHO WAS THAT?"
"I DON'T KNOW.

THEY WAS BEAUTIFUL
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER

I SEEN PERMS BOUNCING
AND SHIT."

Y'ALL READY FOR
THE FIRST COMIC?

COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER!

COMING TO THE STAGE
STRAIGHT OUTTA D.C.,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR JAY PHILLIPS.

YEAH YEAH YEAH! DEF JAM!
WHAT IT IS, Y'ALL?

YEAH!

THEY MOVED THIS MOTHERFUCKER
WEST THIS TIME.

I KNOW WHY THEY DID IT.
GOD DAMN IT, I'M FROM THE EAST COAST.

I MOVED WEST MYSELF.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT I DIDN'T MOVE
OUT HERE TO CHASE THIS ENTERTAINMENT DREAM.

I MOVED OUT HERE
'CAUSE THE QUALITY OF WEED

IS THAT MUCH BETTER
OVER HERE.

THE WEED OUT THIS
MOTHERFUCKER WILL MAKE YOU THINK TWICE

ABOUT SMOKING AGAIN.
NIGGA, THAT SHIT IS OFFICIAL.

OH, NIGGA,
WEED GOT PROBLEMS.

IT'LL MAKE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

LIKE I KNOW,
IT MAKE YOU LOSE SHIT.

LIKE, IT MAKE ME
LOSE STUFF. LIKE, UH...

YEAH-- LOSING SHIT.

I FUCKED AROUND,
LOST CABLE ONE DAY.

I GOT SO HIGH, I FORGOT
I WAS STEALING CABLE.

I CALLED THE CABLE
COMPANY JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT SHIT.

WE WERE ARGUING
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

SIR, YOU DO NOT
HAVE CABLE.

( inhaling )

( holding breath )
YES, I DO, NIGGA.

( exhales )

GOT TIVO
AND EVERYTHING, NIGGA.

GOTTA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.
I KNOW.

I'M GONNA SLOW DOWN ON WEED
'CAUSE IT'S STARTING

TO FUCK WITH MY JUDGMENT.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

IT'S MAKING THINGS WORK
THAT SHOULDN'T WORK.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY
I'M RIDING AROUND,

I HEARD A COMMERCIAL
ON THE RADIO

THAT WAS SO GOOD,
IT CONVINCED ME THAT MY CREDIT WAS GOOD ENOUGH

TO GO DOWN TO THE DEALERSHIP
AND GIVE IT A SHOT.

I THOUGHT THAT NIGGA
WAS TALKING RIGHT TO ME.

HE WAS ANSWERING
EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF.

MY CAR WOULDN'T START.
( mimics engine sputtering )

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH MY CAR? HE CAME IN RIGHT ON CUE.

"NEED A NEW CAR?"

"HELL YEAH,
I NEED A NEW CAR."

"HOW ABOUT
THE BRAND-NEW HUMMER?

"NIGGA, HOW ABOUT
THE BRAND-NEW HUMMER?

I AIN'T GOT NO HUMMER MONEY."
"ZERO MONEY DOWN.

$99 A MONTH.
YOU GOT THAT?"

"I JUST GOT THAT OUT
OF THE COINSTAR MACHINE.

HELL, YEAH, I GOT THAT.

BUT THAT'S FOR NIGGAS
WITH GOOD CREDIT."

"GOOD CREDIT, BAD CREDIT,
BANKRUPTCY, CHILD SUPPORT, DIVORCE--

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"

"WELL, NIGGA, THAT IS ME.

HOW YOU DO THAT?"
"I GOT MY OWN FINANCE COMPANY.

I CAN FINANCE ANYBODY
I WANT TO. COME ON DOWN.

YOU CAN RIDE OUT THE DAY."
"NIGGA, I AM ON THE WAY.

AND I AIN'T EVEN GOT TO STOP
AT THE GODDAMN BANK.

I GOT ZERO DOWN
ON ME, NIGGA."

I GOT DOWN TO THE DEALERSHIP
TALKING SHIT.

I WALK RIGHT IN THE DOOR.
"Y'ALL CALLED ME ON THE RADIO.

TOLD ME TO COME DOWN HERE
AND PICK UP A TRUCK."

AND I GUESS THEY HAD ME
CONFUSED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

'CAUSE THEY BROUGHT AROUND
ONE OF THE NICEST TRUCKS

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

IT WAS A BRAND NEW
FULLY CUSTOMIZED H2 HUMMER,

ALREADY SITTING
ON 24-INCH RIMS.

HAD THE TINTED WINDOWS,
THE CANDY PAINT.

LOOKED IN THE INSIDE,
GOT A GPS SYSTEM,

FOUR DVD PLAYERS,
LASER LIGHTS

AND ALL KINDS OF BULLSHIT
GOING ON IN THERE.

NIGGA, I HAD A GREAT TIME.
THAT WAS-- OH!

NIGGA, THAT WAS THE-- YEAH.

OH, THAT WAS A NICE TRUCK.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT Y'ALL DRIVING,

BUT WHEN YOU RIDE
IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

I FELT GREAT ABOUT MY LIFE.
THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

WE TEST DROVE THE SHIT
OUT OF THAT TRUCK.

SIX HOURS, NIGGA.

I WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK.

EVERYBODY IN L.A.
SAW ME IN THAT.

THAT WAS A GREAT DAY
UNTIL WE HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT DEALERSHIP,

'CAUSE HE TYPED MY
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IN THAT MACHINE.

HE ACT LIKE WE WEREN'T
FRIENDS OR NOTHING NO MORE.

LIKE, "SIR, THAT WAS
THE MOST FUN I EVER HAD ON A TEST DRIVE IN MY LIFE."

I SAID,
"YEAH, MAN, ME TOO."

LET ME GET YOU IN THAT TRUCK.
GIMME THAT SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,

YOU SON OF A BITCH."

( mimics
keys clicking )

"JESUS!

SUPPOSED TO BE THREE NUMBERS.
WHAT THE FUCK--

SIR, WE HAVE GOOD NEWS
AND BAD NEWS.

THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU CAN
STILL RIDE OUT THE DAY."

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE,
THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR."

HE SAID, "YEAH, BUT JUST NOT
IN THAT PARTICULAR VEHICLE."

"JUST TAKE ME
TO WHAT I CAN GET. MY SHIT WON'T EVEN START.

SO LET'S DO SOMETHING."
SO HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT, MAN, LET'S GO."

SO WE WENT OUT
IN THE DEALERSHIP. IT WAS A BIG-ASS DEALERSHIP.

WE WENT OUT THERE
AND HAD THESE LITTLE GOLF CARTS TO RIDE YOU AROUND.

WE JUMPED IN ONE OF THEM
GOLF CARTS AND STARTED RIDING THROUGH THE LITTLE LOT.

AND WE WENT THROUGH OVER
TO THE H3s. Y'ALL KNOW THE H3s, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE LITTLE
TEENY HUMMER. THAT'S NOT THE "DUDE" HUMMER.

THAT'S THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BUY FOR YOUR GIRL

AFTER YOU MAKE IT.
THAT IS NOT THE MAN HUMMER.

BUT I'M FIGURING,
ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S A LITTLE BETTER ON GAS,

THAT'S WHAT
I GOTTA RIDE IN, A LITTLE CHEAPER.

I HAD TO PUT SOME RIMS
ON IT OR SOMETHING.

BUT WE DIDN'T REALLY
SLOW DOWN THROUGH THAT SECTION.

WE KEPT DIPPING
RIGHT THROUGH THOSE.

THEN HE RODE ME OVER
TO THE H2s.

I'M FIGURING, "ALL RIGHT
I'M BACK IN THE GAME.

I JUST CAN'T GET ALL THAT
CUSTOMIZED SHIT ON MY-- I CAN DO THAT."

WE PULLED UP
ON THIS WHITE ONE. IT WAS COOL, MAN.

HAD A SALESMAN
IN IT ALREADY.

I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THAT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE BUYING SOMETHING NICE,

YOU WANT GOOD SERVICE.
AND HE JUMPED OUT, SHOOK MY HAND.

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT KIND OF FEATURES IT HAVE ON IT?"

BUT I TURNED AROUND.
THIS NIGGA WAS ALREADY SITTING IN THE GOLF CART.

HE WAS LIKE,
"COME ON, MAN, LET'S GO." SO WE LEFT THAT SECTION,

AND THESE NIGGAS
TOOK ME

OVER TO
THE ORIGINAL HUMMERS.

KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
THEM FIRST HUMMERS EVER MADE?

THEM DESERT STORM
THROWBACK JOINTS?

THE KIND THAT COME
IN CAMOUFLAGE TAN

AND NO MATTER
HOW MUCH YOU WAX IT, IT'LL NEVER SHINE.

GOT A GUN ON THE TOP.

SO WE BANGED A RIGHT
WHEN WE GOT THERE,

AND WENT ACROSS
THE STREET...

OVER TO THE USED CAR LOT,
RIGHT?

SO WE WAS RIDING
THROUGH THE USED CAR LOT, WHICH WASN'T THAT BAD,

UNTIL WE GOT ALL
THE WAY TO THE BACK. AND IN THE BACK,

THERE WAS THIS SHOP
BACK THERE.

AND IN THAT SHOP,
THEY FIXED THE CARS

THAT DON'T QUITE QUALIFY
TO BE SOLD IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA YET.

AND THEN THEY LINE
THEM UP AGAINST THE FENCE, THIS LITTLE RAGGEDY-ASS FENCE.

SO WE PULL RIGHT UP
AGAINST THAT FENCE,

AND THESE NIGGAS GOT OUT
AND STARTED LOOKING AROUND,

AND THERE WAS THIS
LITTLE GAP IN THE FENCE.

SO THEN I SLID THROUGH
THIS LITTLE GAP IN THE FENCE,

WALKED DOWN THIS LITTLE TRAIL
AND SHIT.

I GOTTA GO,
BUT IN A NUTSHELL,

THEM NIGGAS WALKED ME BACK
TO MY VERY OWN VEHICLE,

SAID, "YOU CAN RIDE OUT
IN THAT TILL YOU GET

YOUR LIFE TOGETHER,
GOD DAMN IT."

MY NAME IS JAY PHILLIPS.
ONE LOVE.

I GOT A BUDDY THAT DO KARATE,
BUT HE HAD A SHIT BAG ON

'CAUSE HE GOT POPPED.

BUT THE NIGGA
TRAINED KARATE, RIGHT?

SOMEBODY KICKED HIM
IN THE BAG, BUSTED... POW!

SO ONE OF MY
BUDDIES CALLED ME,

SAID, "GET DOWN HERE, MAN.
TONY JUST GOT THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM."

Y'ALL READY
FOR THE NEXT COMIC? COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS--

WHEN I GO ON THE ROAD,
THERE'S THREE THINGS THAT I LIKE TO TAKE WITH ME,

A SACK OF WEED,
A .22 WITH DUCT TAPE ON IT

AND THIS YOUNG LADY,
STRAIGHT OUT OF SOUTHEAST D.C.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR DOMINIQUE!

WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?
HEY, KID!

- Kid Capri:
LOOKS GOOD, BABY. - HOW Y'ALL DOING?

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

MEXICANS IN HERE.
I LOVE THE MEXICANS TOO.

Y'ALL ARE ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN, 'CAUSE THEY NIGGAS TOO.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF.

IF YOU AIN'T WHITE,
YOU A NIGGA.

MEXICAN, JAMAICAN,
PUERTO RICAN, WE ALL THE SAME.

GEORGE BUSH DON'T SEE
NOTHING BUT US AND THEM.

AND IF YOU AIN'T US,
NIGGA, YOU THEM.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

'CAUSE IF THEY PULLED UP
A BUS RIGHT NOW AND SAID WE WAS GOING BACK TO SLAVERY,

ESE, THAT'D MEAN YOU TOO.

JAMAICAN BOY,
BRING THE WEED. YOU COME ON TOO.

ASIANS, BRING THE COMPUTERS.
Y'ALL COME ON TOO.

BRING A HONDA ACCORD
WHILE YOU AT IT, GOD DAMN IT.

THERE'S A NEW SLAVERY--
www.slavery.com.

GET YOUR DICK
OFF THE INTERNET.

THEY JUST CLICK
YOUR PICTURE UP, AND YOU COME ON GRINNING.

CLICK CLICK.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO
IN YOUR LIFE,

IF IT DON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY,
PRAY AND LET IT GO.

DON'T WALK AROUND
WITH THAT NEGATIVITY.

THAT SHIT
MAKE YOU SICK, MAN.

FOR REAL.

WALK AROUND
WITH THAT SHIT.

YOU GOTTA HEALTHY.
BE IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

DON'T BE GETTING
BEAT UP AND SHIT.

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T BE
FALLING IN LOVE QUICK.

THESE NIGGAS WHOOPING ASS
IS WHOLESALE.

YOU GOTTA GET TO KNOW
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEY'LL BEAT YOUR ASS.
HE MIGHT BE ON PRESCRIPTION.

GET TO KNOW THAT NIGGA.
YOU FRYING SOME CHICKEN,

HE JUST WHOP YOU UPSIDE
YOUR GODDAMN HEAD.

YOU LIKE,
"WHAT YOU HIT ME FOR?" "'CAUSE I WANTED TO.

AND I'LL HIT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING ASS AGAIN. THAT'S WHY."

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

GOTTA GET TO KNOW
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

DON'T BE GETTING YOUR
FRIENDS INVOLVED IF YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T LEAVING.

MY FRIEND GETTIN'
PISTOL-WHIPPED AND SHE CALLING ME.

"IF HE PISTOL-WHIPPING YOU
AND HE LOVE YOU, WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO?"

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
I GO OVER THERE,

HE HIT ME IN MY HEAD
WITH A BRICK.

NOW, I'M IN THE HOSPITAL
ON THE TUBE

BLINKING ONCE FOR "NO"
AND TWICE FOR "YEAH."

I'M PARALYZED
ON MY LEFT SIDE

AND Y'ALL SENDING OUT
WEDDING INVITATIONS.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

BITCH, YOU CRAZY.

YOU OUT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKIN' MIND.

MY MOTHER
GOTTA FEED ME

AND YOU BOPPIN' DOWN
THE AISLE GETTIN' MARRIED.

I'MA COME GET YOU,
I'MA HONK THE HORN

AND YOU RUN
THE FUCK OUT.

IF HE CHASE YOU,
I'MA DRIVE UP THE STREET--

"RUN FASTER.

HE 'BOUT TO CATCH YOU,
JUMP ON THE TRUNK.

RUN FASTER."

SHIT.

YOU GOTTA BE HEALTHY
AND HAVE A HEALTHY--

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

GET YOUR HEALTH
INSURANCE TOGETHER.

GET A HEALTH CARD.
THEY CLOSING ALL THESE LITTLE GEORGE--

MARTIN LUTHER KING
HOSPITALS DOWN.

YOU AIN'T GOT
NO HEALTH CARD, YOU GONNA BE SHORT.

YOU RIDIN' AROUND
ON SPINNERS

AND GOT CHEST PAIN
ALL UP AND THROUGH YOUR GODDAMN HEART.

TALK ABOUT WHAT
SIDE YOUR HEART ON, THIS SIDE OR THIS SIDE?

I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S BEEN HURTIN' ABOUT A MONTH,

I DON'T KNOW.

GET YOUR ASS A HEALTH CARD.
THEY AIN'T GONNA SEE YOU.

YOU GONNA WALK IN ,
YOU GONNA SAY, "MAY I SEE THE DOCTOR?"

MY CHEST HURT
AND THEY GONNA SAY "CAN I SEE YOUR CARD?

YOU DON'T HAVE NO CARD?

WAIT A MINUTE,
HOLD UP. SHARON.

HE SAID HE AIN'T
GOT NO CARD.

TELL HIM WHAT?
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN.

I GOTTA TALK TO SHARON.
HOLD UP.

PUT THE PAPER DOWN!
HOLD UP.

TELL HIM WHAT?
OH, SHE TOLD ME TELL YOU

DRINK A GINGER ALE
AND GO LIKE THIS, NIGGA.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T
GET THAT GAS TO MOVE, MOTHERFUCKER.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T BELCH
OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

Y'ALL, BUT...

I'M TELLING YOU,
BE GOOD PARENTS TOO.

THESE KIDS THE FUTURE.

YOU GOTTA BE GOOD PARENTS.
THEY THE FUTURE.

THEY GOTTA KNOW THEY
LIVE IN A ROUGH WORLD,

BUT YOU GOTTA
LOOK OUT FOR THESE MOTHERFUCKERS FOR REAL.

THEY ARE,
'CAUSE THE WORLD IS CRAZY.

BE GOOD PARENTS.
IF YOU AIN'T THE BETTER PARENT

LET THEM BE WITH
THE BETTER PARENT.

SOMETIMES YOU AIN'T
THE BETTER PARENT.

I GOT KIDS, AND RIGHT NOW
I AIN'T THE BETTER PARENT.

THE RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER.
HE LEFT,

SO I SENT THEM WITH HIM.
THEY LOOK LIKE HIM.

THAT'S WHO THE FUCK
THEY NEED TO BE WITH.

I NEVER GET
MY SELF-ESTEEM UP

WALKING AROUND
WITH A MOTHERFUCKER THAT LOOK LIKE YOU ALL DAY LONG.

SOMETIME I JUST TELL MY SON,
"TURN THE FUCK AROUND!

'CAUSE YOUR FACE--"
I'M FEELIN' REAL SET UP--

THEM "SQUINCHY" EYES
AND SHIT.

JUST GOT THE FUCK
IN THE ROOM,

I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

( sighs )
Y'ALL ARE COOL.

I WATCH A LITTLE
SHIT ON TV TOO LIKE A&E.

Y'ALL WATCH THAT SHIT?
"INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS"?

- Audience: YEAH!
- SHIT GOOD, AIN'T IT?

IT TEACH YOU HOW
TO KILL SOMEBODY THOUGH.

NO BULLSHIT.
I TOLD MY FRIEND, "I'M ABOUT THREE EPISODES

FROM CHOPPING
YOU THE FUCK UP."

I'MA MAIL YOUR ASS ALL OVER
THE GLOBE, MOTHERFUCKER.

BUT MY FAVORITE SHOW
IS "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED."

YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THAT

SO YOU KNOW WHO
YOUR NEIGHBOR IS.

YOU OVER THERE
PLAYING SPADES

AND HE THE ONE
KILLIN' BITCHES

ALL IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT AND SHIT.

YOU'RE LIKE,
"HE KILLED--" HE ABOUT TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF TOO.

ABOUT 3:30.

BUT WHAT IF YOU
SITTIN' WITH A NIGGA AND HE COME ON THERE,

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY?

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY?
YOU KNOW, YOU THINK THIS NIGGA THE ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
Y'ALL CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

HE LIKE
"WHAT'S WRONG?"

"THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

I AIN'T SAYING IT'S YOU,
BUT IT LOOK LIKE YOU.

Y'ALL GOT THE SAME TATTOO
AND EVERYTHING!

I'M NOT GETTIN' SMART.

WHY YOU STANDING UP
AND SHIT?

I'M NOT GETTIN'
SMART WITH YOU!

YOU GETTIN' UPSET.
I'M NOT GETTIN' SMART WITH YOU.

( quietly )
OKAY, I'MA LOWER MY VOICE,

I'M NOT GETTING
SMART WITH YOU.

I'M NOT. JUST SIT DOWN,
JUST SIT DOWN.

I'M NOT.

I'M JUST MAKING
AN OBSERVATION.

Y'ALL GOT THE SAME NAME
AND EVERYTHING.

TWINS DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE SAME GODDAMN NAME!

OKAY, WELL I AIN'T GONNA
SAY NOTHING THEN.

I'M ABOUT TO GO
TO THE MALL.

I KNOW IT'S CLOSED,
BUT I'MA SEE IF THEY OPEN IT UP AND LET ME IN.

I DON'T KNOW.

GET OFF MY ARM.
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID YOU DID TO THAT LADY.

GET THE FUCK
OFF MY ARM."

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DOMINIQUE,
I HAD A BALL, BABY.

ONE MORE TIME
FOR DOMINIQUE, Y'ALL. COME ON NOW!

ALL RIGHT.
( grunts )

KID CAPRI!

WE GONNA KEEP
THIS PARTY ROLLIN' NOW.

Y'ALL READY?
Y'ALL READY FOR SOME MORE?

LET'S DO IT!

COMING TO THE STAGE--
I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GONNA ENJOY THIS DUDE.

HE GET DOWN HOW HE LIVE.

STRAIGHT OUT OF DETROIT,
Y'ALL GIVE IT UP

FOR THE SECOND TIME--
TONY ROBERTS!

YEAH, KID, HIT ME
WITH SOMETHING, BABY.

HIT ME WITH
SOMETHING SWEET.

( electronic music
playing )

( rapping )

I HAD A BODYGUARD.
THAT NIGGA GOT KNOCKED OUT.

THEN HE GONNA
COME BACK TO WORK.

I SAID "NIGGA,
I CAN'T USE YOU.

YOU QUIT!"
HE SAID "WHEN I QUIT?"

"WHEN YOUR BACK
HIT THE GROUND, THAT'S WHEN.

I NEED SOMEBODY
THAT CAN FIGHT!"

HE'S GONNA TELL ME--
( laughs )

LAUGH, NIGGA, LAUGH!

SOME IVY LEAGUE
NIGGAS HERE.

HE DON'T WANNA LAUGH,
HE DON'T GOTTA LAUGH.

HE SPELL HIS LAUGHS.
H-A! H-A! H-A!

A! H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A! H-A...

H-A! H-A!

"I DON'T NEED TO LAUGH,
I CAN SPELL IT."

LAUGH, MOTHERFUCKER!

I LOVE Y'ALL LADIES
LOOKIN' GOOD.

YOU MATCHING
BRA AND PANTIES.

THAT'S RESPECT!

BUT WE DON'T
GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU GOT ON, DO WE FELLAS?

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK--
I HAD A GIRL, TITTIES OUT.

I WENT FOR HER PANTS,
SHE SAID "NO, I CAN'T DO THIS,

I'M NOT MATCHING."

I SAID "BITCH, I DON'T
CARE IF YOU GOT A DIAPER WITH A CANTEEN RIGHT HERE.

TAKE THAT SHIT OFF."

WOMEN LOVE TO GET THEM
PEDICURES, DON'T THEY?

YOU GET YOUR
PEDICURES RIGHT HERE,

THAT'S RESPECT.
I LIKE-- I LIKE THAT.

BUT LOTION
THIS SHIT TOO.

YOU GOT THE
FRENCH TIPS RIGHT HERE,

THIS LOOK LIKE
A FUCKIN' ASHTRAY.

LIKE YOU BEEN WALKING
AROUND ALL DAY LIKE THIS--

( mimics whooshing )

( audience booing )

LIKE YOU BEEN
IN THE PARK LETTIN' BIRDS EAT OFF YOUR HEELS.

"OVER HERE, BIRDIE!
BIRD!

TWEET TWEET TWEET!
TWEETY-- BIRDIE!

H-A! H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A!

H-A! H-A!

( laughing )

H TO THE
MOTHERFUCKIN' A.

JAY PHILLIPS WAS TELLING ME,
WHITE LADIES,

PLEASE STOP TALKING BACK
TO THE POLICE.

WE RAN WITH
SOME WHITE GIRLS.

ME AND KID CAPRI
IN BEVERLY HILLS RAN WITH SOME WHITE GIRLS.

THE POLICE--
THIS WHITE GIRL RAN A RED LIGHT.

WHY? I DON'T KNOW.
SHE WHITE.

HERE COME THE POLICE.
WHOOP WHOOP!

I SAID "OH, GET MY
SHIT TOGETHER." ( grunts )

I AIN'T GOING TO JAIL
FOR THIS BITCH.

I SAID "GIVE 'EM YOUR
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
I GO THROUGH IT ALL THE TIME."

SHE SAID, "NO, FUCK THIS.
THIS IS DISRESPECTFUL TO ME."

I SAID "LOOK, AMBER,
DON'T FUCK UP!

HERE THEY COME, RIGHT THERE.
AND SHE'S CUSSING 'EM OUT.

"OFFICER, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

MY BLACK FRIEND
WILL WHUP YOUR ASS!"

I GOT OUT THE CAR.
HE SAID "WHERE YOU GOING?"

I SAID "I'M GETTING
IN YOUR CAR."

THAT BITCH DONE
GOT ME 90 DAYS.

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

WHAT'S UP, BROTHER?
HOW YOU DOING?

GOT THE SUIT ON.
YOU'D MAKE A GOOD PALLBEARER. YOU BIG AS SHIT.

HE CARRY THE CASKET
BY HISSELF.

I GOT IT, GRANDMA.
COME ON, Y'ALL.

FOLLOW ME
TO THE GRAVESITE!

I AIN'T TOUGH AT ALL.
FUCK THAT.

MY FRIENDS, THEY Q-DOGS.
THEY GOT THE BRAND ON THE ARM.

THEY TOOK THE
MOTHERFUCKIN' BRAND AND--

( mimics sizzle )
THEY WANT ME TO DO THE SAME THING.

YOU NEED YOUR ASS BEAT.

THEY WANT ME TO SEE
THE HOT IRON COMIN'

AND WAIT ON IT.
NIGGA, YOU CRAZY.

I BUMPED INTO A LIT INCENSE
ONE DAY AND LOST MY MIND.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

WHO PUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN'
INCENSE RIGHT THERE, GOD DAMN IT?!

THAT'S THIRD-DEGREE BURN,
MOTHERFUCKER.

I SEE SOME LADIES
LOOKING GOOD WITH THE LITTLE-BITTY TITTIES,

I LIKE THAT,
LITTLE BITTY--

I WENT TO A TITTY BAR.
GIRL TRY TO SHAKE HER TITTY,

SHE ALMOST BROKE HER
COLLAR BONE, SHE WENT...

YOU GONNA KILL
YOURSELF, BITCH.

( laughs )

I SEE SOME YOUNG GUYS
IN THE AUDIENCE.

YOUNG GUYS, Y'ALL GOTTA
KNOW HOW TO TREAT THESE FEMALES.

WHEN YOU GET 'EM IN THE BED,
TREAT 'EM RIGHT.

YOU GOT SOME REAL
LADIES IN HERE.

THEY ALL SUBTLE AND SHIT.

I DO DIFFERENT SHIT.
I WAS WATCHING A PORN WITH THIS GIRL.

I SAID "WE GONNA DO
WHATEVER THEY DO.

WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING,
WE DO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, HE GOING DOWN ON HER,
I'M ABOUT TO DO YOU.

NOW, TAP ME WHEN IT'S
MY TURN 'CAUSE I CAN'T SEE."

I LOOK UP,
THE CREDITS GOING UP.

( mutters )
SAID, WHAT THE FUCK?

I ATE HER PUSSY
THROUGH A WHOLE MOVIE!

I GOT A BET THOUGH.
I SUCKED HER PUSSY SO HARD

HER EYEBROWS
DROPPED LIKE THIS.

THAT BITCH IS
LOOKING SUSPICIOUS.

SHE SAY
"WHAT YOU DO TO ME?

I CAN'T GO
TO WORK LIKE THIS. I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER!"

SHE'S LIKE ONE
OF THOSE SHY GIRLS.

( mimics trembling
laughter )

GET THE SHY GIRL
BEHIND THE BEDROOM DOOR,

SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HIP.

OUTSIDE, THEY LIKE THIS,
"NO THANK YOU, NO THANK YOU."

( giggles )
"NO THANK YOU."

IN THE BEDROOM--
( growling )

( screeches )

MY NAME TONY ROBERTS,
I LOVE YA'LL.

TONY ROBERTS, Y'ALL.

THAT NIGGA'S A FOOL.

SO, Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME?

AND NOW, THE MAN
WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE, WHO'S PAYING ALL THE BILLS--

GIVE IT UP
FOR THE ONE AND ONLY RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL.

( theme music playing )

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT!
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

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