Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM!

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS--

VINCE MORRIS,

ADELE GIVENS,

AND EARTHQUAKE.

I'M YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,

THE KID CAPRI.

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

COME ON!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

( scratches record ) "MIKE, MIKE, MIKE EPPS!"

"MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, MIKE EPPS!"

YEAH! MY NIG, KID CAPRI, Y'ALL!

GIVE IT UP FOR KID CAPRI!

THE BADDEST DJ IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

WHAT'S HAPPENIN', L.A.? WHAT'S UP?

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD

IN THE GOVERNMENT CHECK OUT HERE TONIGHT!

ALL THE MEN GOT THEIR MAIN WOMAN WITH THEM,

LOOK AT 'EM, I SEE YA OUT HERE!

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

ALL THAT PUSSY, I MIGHT NEED A ANTIBIOTIC

AFTER I GET THROUGH DOING--

CLEAN THAT URINAL TRACT OUT!

LADIES LOOKIN' ALL GOOD-- FELLAS, I KNOW

IT'S A COUPLE OF YOU PUSSY-WHIPPED MOTHERFUCKERS IN HERE TONIGHT.

WOMEN KNOW THAT HAIRY HOLE IS VERY POWERFUL.

THEY KNOW IT, THAT'S WHY THEY FUCK WITH OUR HEAD

THE WAY THEY FUCK WITH OUR HEAD!

YOU EVER GET SOME PUSSY, FELLAS, BE SO GOOD,

BOY, YOU'D CALL THE GIRL BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!

YOU'D BE SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

"JUST WANTED TO CALL AND LET YOU KNOW I HAD A GOOD TIME."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "STANDIN' HERE IN THE DOOR,

LOOKIN' AT YOUR ASS SITTIN' IN THE DRIVEWAY!"

TAKE YOUR PUSSY, ASSWHIP!

YOU RIDIN' DOWN THE STREET, SMELLIN' YOUR TOP LIP--

DON'T FUCK AROUND, THERE'S A LOT OF BITCH--

OH NO, DON'T SAY THE WORD "BITCH,"

YOU'LL GET KNOCKED OUT FOR THAT.

WE KNOW WOMEN LIKE TO WALK UP TO YOU, AND DO LIKE THIS,

SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THE NIGGA!

Y'ALL BE ARGUING-- AND WALK UP TO YOU,

AND YOU BE, "BITCH, LEMME JUST-- "

"IF YOU HIT ME, BITCH, I'M GONNA HIT IT, BITCH!

IF YOU HIT ME, I KNOW THAT YOU GOT PROBLEMS!"

MAN, LOOK AT YOUR-- BOY, YOU KNOW--

WHAT THE HELL? LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

IS THAT NATURAL? WHAT THE HELL!

GOD DAMN!

YOUR SHIT LOOK LIKE A COYOTE ASS SITTIN' UP HERE IN THE FRONT!

SEE, I PUT A LITTLE KITTY-KIT ON MY SHIT!

GIRL GOT THE "SOUL GLO" GOIN' ON.

LOOK HERE, HIS SHIT IS NATURAL THERE.

HE GOT A LITTLE-- WHAT YOU GOT IN YOUR SHIT RIGHT THERE?

HE GOT THE GREEN EYES AND SHIT!

HE PROBABLY TRYIN' TO GET GIRLS STRAIGHT OFF OF THAT.

HE'S GOT THE-- "AS YOU SEE I GOT THE GREEN EYES, GIRL. DON'T DO THAT."

"I'M A LEPRECHAUN PIMP, BITCH. LOOK AT THE--

LOOK AT THE GREEN EYES!"

I DON'T KNOW WHY THESE YOUNG GUYS WANNA GO TO PRISON,

AND COME OUT AND BRAG ABOUT IT.

LIKE THEY BEEN TO COLLEGE OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S HOW MY LITTLE BROTHER-- "FUCK THE WHITE MAN.

I AIN'T WORKIN' FOR NO $5 A HOUR.

KISS MY ASS!"

WENT TO PRISON AND WORKED FOR 35¢ A DAY.

AND CALL, YOU KNOW, "I GOT MY G.E.D., I'M LIFTING WEIGHTS,"

YOU COULD'VE DONE THAT SHIT ON THE STREET, NIGGA.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THERE TO DO THAT.

FUCK 'ROUND, GO TAKE A SHOWER AND COME BACK,

YOUR BED'LL BE MADE UP WITH LITTLE SNACKS,

AND DING-DONGS AN' SHIT ON THE MOTHERFUCKER.

"WHO GAVE ME THIS?"

SOME NIGGA STANDING THERE WITH HIS SHIRT TIED UP IN THE FRONT--

"GO AHEAD AND ENJOY YOURSELF."

COMIN' TO THE STAGE, THIS GUY IS NOT AFRAID

TO TELL IT HOW IT IS. MAKING HIS DEF JAM DEBUT,

STRAIGHT UP OUT OF COLUMBUS, OHIO,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR VINCE MORRIS!

L.A., MAKE SOME NOISE!

- ( audience cheers ) - YES!

MAN, THIS IS A WEIRD-ASS CITY.

I'M TRYIN' TO FIT IN HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

I DON'T LIKE IT TOO MUCH,

I'M TRYING TO GET OVER IT. I MOVED HERE FROM COLUMBUS, OHIO

WITH DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS TO BECOME A STAR.

BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME-- BECAUSE I HAVE DIGNITY.

WHEN YOU HAVE DIGNITY IN LIFE, YOUR OPPORTUNITIES

ARE VERY LIMITED. IT KEEPS YOU HUMBLE.

BUT WHEN YOU BLACK IN HOLLYWOOD WITH DIGNITY,

IT KEEPS YOUR ASS BROKE.

RIGHT? BECAUSE HOLLYWOOD LOVES STEREOTYPES.

OLD-SCHOOL STEREOTYPES. I HATE STEREOTYPES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE WORSE THAN STEREOTYPES?

BLACK PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL PERFORMING STEREOTYPES.

I'M TIRED OF SEEING BEAUTIFUL BLACK PEOPLE

STILL PERFORMING-- I'M SERIOUS. RIGHT?

I WON A COMMERCIAL AUDITION TWO WEEKS AGO.

I WALK IN, AND THEY STILL THINK THAT BLACK PEOPLE

CAN'T SELL SHIT UNLESS THERE'S MUSIC PLAYING.

THAT BOTHERS ME, AND IT SHOULD BOTHER YOU.

I MEAN, I LOVE MUSIC. IT'S PART OF OUR CULTURE, OUR HERITAGE,

DEF JAM'S A LOT OF SHIT,

BUT I'M NOT MOONWALKING FOR A MILKSHAKE!

I'M NOT GONNA POP-LOCK TO SELL A PIZZA!

BUT IT SEEM LIKE AMERICA'S STILL ACCEPTING

OF THAT BUFFOON, CLOWNERY-ASS IMAGE,

AND EVERY NIGHT, THE AD EXECS ARE LIKE,

"HOW CAN WE MARKET THIS PRODUCT TO THE BLACK COMMUNITY?"

"MUSIC!"

I SAID, "COME ON, MAN, IT'S JUST A CHEESEBURGER!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, PUT THE CHEESEBURGER ON THE TURNTABLE,

AND JUST SCRATCH IT."

"AND SURROUND IT BY SOME HIP-HOP DANCERS, AND WATCH 'EM GO."

AND THAT'S SOME OF THE COMMERCIALS YOU SEE, RIGHT?

BEAUTIFUL BLACK PEOPLE, WAY TOO HAPPY TO BE EATING!

( rapping ) "GET YOUR BURGER! BURGER!

WHO WANTS SOME CHEESE? HO-OH!"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE WE DOING?"

I HAVE EATEN THOUSANDS OF HAMBURGERS, Y'ALL.

NO SOUNDTRACK.

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, WE NEED MUSIC IN COMMERCIALS,

BUT NOT TOGETHER, ALL THE TIME

JUST TO INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE AND YOURS ON A DAILY.

I WAS DRIVING ON THE 101 NOT TOO LONG AGO,

AND I LITERALLY HEARD,

( vocal popping ) "UH-HUH!

YEAH!

GET YOUR PROSTATE CHECKED."

RIGHT?

THAT HURTS ME!

IT HURTS ME. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT

NOT JUST HOW THEY'RE MARKETING TO US BLACK PEOPLE,

BUT THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND IT.

BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE, THEY WON'T CARE, THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US.

RIGHT?

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT AMERICA REALIZED

THAT ATHLETES ARE ATHLETES. THEY'RE NOT ROLE MODELS.

I MEAN, I'M SERIOUS.

I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT KIND OF SHOE

A ATHLETE PUTS ON HIS FOOT,

AND NEITHER SHOULD PARENTS.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF SHOES

DO BLACK SURGEONS OR LAWYERS WEAR?"

RIGHT?

HEY, WHAT DID JOHNNIE COCHRAN WEAR?

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE COMMERCIAL.

WHEN YOU CAN GET A BROTHER OFF A DOUBLE HOMICIDE...

AND THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS HE'S GUILTY?

THAT'S A BAD-ASS SHOE.

HEY. RIGHT?

I WOULD DO THAT COMMERCIAL TOMORROW MORNING.

NO MUSIC. I'D DO IT FOR FREE.

I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT COMMERCIAL.

"YO, VINCE, WHAT YOU WEARING?"

"COCHRANS!"

"MAN, I JUST BEAT THE LAKERS IN MY AIR FORCE ONES!"

I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH? I BEAT THE SYSTEM!"

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS

THESE ATHLETIC COMPANIES HAVE, THEY CAN'T MAKE SHOES

FOR OTHER PROFESSIONS?

LIKE A SURGEON? DURING A HALFTIME COMMERCIAL THAT'D BE COOL AS HELL.

"I'M DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN I'M PERFORMING A TRIPLE BYPASS,

I NEED A SHOE THAT HOLDS UP, FOR SUPPORT AND COMFORT.

TRACTION, WHEN RUNNING FROM PATIENT TO PATIENT,

YET STYLISH, TO MATCH MY SCRUBS.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE NIKE ER.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN PAIN, YOU DON'T WANT MY DOGS HURTING."

THAT'D BE A COOL-ASS COMMERCIAL.

"HI, I'M 4TH GRADE TEACHER, MR. PETERSON.

AND WHEN I'M TEACHING LITTLE KNUCKLEHEAD BASTARDS

THE SKILLS YOU NEED IN LIFE...

I NEED A SHOE THAT HOLDS UP FOR LONG HOURS

WHEN I'M GRADING YOUR PAPERS.

STURDY AROUND MY ANKLES TO BREAK UP A FIGHT DURING RECESS,

BUT YET QUIET ENOUGH TO LET ME CATCH YOU CHEATING.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE REEBOK 3R'S."

READING, WRITING AND ARITHMETIC.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T REALIZE

TWO OF THOSE WORDS BEGIN WITH A DIFFERENT LETTER,

THE "R" IS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RETARDED.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW YOU REACH KIDS--

THROUGH THE SHOES. YOU KNOW?

IF IT'S NOT ATHLETIC WEAR, IT'S OUTDOOR WEAR.

SO THINK ABOUT THAT, BLACK FOLKS,

THE NEXT TIME YOU BUY A $115 CONSTRUCTION BOOT,

YOU DOING NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE IN OR AROUND YOUR COMMUNITY.

ALL RIGHT?

GOOD NIGHT.

( singing gibberish )

DOES THIS NIGGA HAVE ON A OLD-ASS,

GET FRESH, 2 LIVE CREW CHAIN?

LOOK AT THIS NIGGA!

MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WEARING THAT SHIT?

STAND UP, STAND UP, STAND UP!

LOOK AT THE TIGHT-ASS SHIRT!

SHOOT THE SHIT OUT YOUR BIG ASS.

NIGGA'S NIPPLES WAS HARD!

COMING TO THE STAGE, THIS LADY HERE

REALLY NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.

SHE'S A LEGEND, Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HER,

AND SHE'S SUCH A FUCKIN' LADY--

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR ADELE GIVENS!

WHAT'S UP, FAMILY?

HOW Y'ALL DOING? Y'ALL ALL RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE I'M AT A FAMILY REUNION.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING. HEY, KINFOLK!

SHIT!

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME FOR ME AND "DEF COMEDY JAM."

THIS A REUNION!

AND THIS ONE OF THEM REUNIONS WE BETTER APPRECIATE RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA LAST, YOU KNOW THAT.

THESE ARE THE KIND OF REUNIONS YOU CAN COME TO AND STILL RECOGNIZE PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU LOOK AT 'EM, AND YOU GO,

"HEY, CROSS-EYED RAYMOND, RIGHT?"

YOU GOT YOUR EYES FIXED. BOY, YOU LOOKING GOOD."

BUT SEE, NOW WITH PLASTIC SURGERY

BEING EPIDEMIC LIKE IT IS IN THE WORLD,

IN THE FUTURE WHEN PEOPLE GO TO FAMILY REUNIONS,

THEY AIN'T GONNA KNOW WHO IN THE HELL THEY LOOKING AT.

YOU BE AT A REUNION, THINK YOU LOOKING AT HALLE BERRY

AND IT BE BERRY GORDY. IT'SONNA BE FUCKED UP!

SEE, THAT'S A PART OF THAT EPIDEMIC, LADIES.

EVERYBODY GOING TO GET SURGERIES AND SHIT NOW.

FUCK, QUIT FUCKIN' WITH YOUR BODY!

I LOVE MY TITTIES! I LOVE 'EM.

YOUR TITTY-- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, LADIES.

IF YOUR TITTY AIN'T GOT CANCER IN IT, KEEP IT, ALL RIGHT, BITCH?

AND ANYBODY THAT KNOW ME, KNOW I'M THE TYPE OF SHOPPER,

I AIN'T BUYING SHIT, UNLESS I KNOW I CAN GET A REFUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WHAT IF THEY FUCK YOUR TITTIES UP?

YOU CAN'T GET NO MONEY BACK, YOU GOT FUCKED-UP TITTIES.

I'M NOT IMPRESSED WITH IT. I DON'T THINK THAT THE WOMEN

WHO GO AND BUY THESE FALSE TITTIES ARE THINKING AHEAD.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, MOST OF THESE WOMEN GONNA GET OLDER.

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET OLD, YOU GET A CURVE IN YOUR BACK.

IT'S NATURAL, YOU KINDA CURVE OVER LIKE THAT.

SO NOW THEY GONNA BE ALL CURVED OVER LIKE THAT,

BUT THEIR TITTIES GONNA BE STICKIN' STRAIGHT OUT.

THE GONNA LOOK LIKE A LOWER-CASE "F" WALKING PAST.

PEOPLE GONNA BE TRYIN' TO GET THEM

TO AUDITION FOR "SESAME STREET" AND SHIT.

LIKE, "COME ON, GIRL, I HEARD THEY NEED THE LETTER 'F.'"

THEY SUPPOSED TO HANG JUST LIKE BALLS.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY, FELLAS, YOU ALL GET TO LET YOUR NUTS HANG ALL DAY.

ALL DAY. WE, ON THE OTHER HAND, GOTTA WEAR THIS CONTRAPTION,

THIS STRAITJACKET, THIS--

THEY CALL IT A BRA--

THIS A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

YOUR TITTIES IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION ALL DAY LONG.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY AT THE END OF THE DAY,

WHEN YOU LAY ON YOUR BACK, AND THEY GO TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALL,

CONSIDER IT YOUR LITTLE BONUS.

SHIT, YOU HOOKED UP ALL DAY, WORKING OVERTIME,

YOU UNHOOK THAT BRA, AND THEM TITTIES JUST GO "OOH, THANK YOU."

"BITCH, WE BEEN UP ALL DAY."

THANK YOU FOR LETTIN' US LAY DOWN."

I'M JUST GRATEFUL THAT MY BODY IS IN GOOD SHAPE.

I'M HEALTHY, I AIN'T GETTING NOTHING TAKEN OFF.

I THINK THIS WHOLE PLASTIC SURGERY SHIT

HAS GONE OVERBOARD.

IT'S ONE THING TO DO THINGS WHEN IT'S NECESSARY,

LIKE THE LITTLE GIRL-- YOU SAW A LITTLE GIRL,

THEY CALLED "THE MERMAID BABY,"

SHE WAS BORN WITH HER LEGS TOGETHER.

AND THEY HAD TO DO SURGERY TO GET HER LEGS APART.

AND THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, IT WORKED OUT.

IF SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER, I'LL HAVE TOLD 'EM,

"WAIT TILL THE BITCH GET 21."

"THEN WE GONNA OPEN HER LEGS

FOR HER 21ST BIRTHDAY."

I KNOW, I KNOW, SOMETIMES PEOPLE TELL ME I'M--

MY PASTOR SAID THAT JUST LAST--

I CALLED HIM A MOTHERFUCKER TOO, BUT--

BUT--

BUT BEFORE YOU DEFEND HIM,

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER DID.

MY PASTOR-- I HAD BEEN ASKING HIM FOR THE LONGEST

TO COME TO ONE OF MY SHOWS, 'CAUSE HE GOT A OPEN MIND,

AND A SENSE OF HUMOR. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED, RIGHT?

HE BEEN GIVING ME EXCUSES-- "COULDN'T COME, COULDN'T COME." NEVER COULD COME.

FINALLY, LAST WEEK I SAID, "PASTOR MATT, WHEN YOU GONNA COME TO ONE OF MY SHOWS?"

HE SAID, "LOOK, I'M NOT COMING TO ONE OF YOUR SHOWS EVER."

NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS SHOCKED,

'CAUSE I'D BEEN ASKING HIM OVER AND OVER, AND HE'D BEEN MAKING UP SHIT.

YOU KNOW, "I GOT A SERMON TO DO, I GOT A FUNERAL TO DO."

YOU KNOW, BULLSHIT.

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS SHOCKED

WHEN HE SAID HE AIN'T NEVER COMING, SO I SAID, "WELL, WHY?"

WHY'RE YOU NOT COMING TO ONE OF MY SHOWS?"

AND HE SAID TO ME, "'CAUSE I'M A MAN OF GOD,

AND I HEARD THAT IN YOUR SHOWS,

YOU CALL PEOPLE--" AND HE LOOKED AROUND, AND WHISPERED,

"--MOTHERFUCKER."

I SAID, "YOU KNOW GOD COULD STILL HEAR US."

HE SAID, "THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. THE POINT I'M MAKING,

IS THAT I AM A MAN OF GOD, AND I REFUSE TO ALLOW YOU, OR ANYBODY ELSE,

TO CALL ME, A MAN OF GOD, A MOTHERFUCKER."

WELL WHAT I DID, WAS HUGGED HIM AND LET HIM KNOW

LIKE I'M LETTIN' Y'ALL KNOW, "I'M MATURE ENOUGH

TO AGREE TO DISAGREE. IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS,

I'VE GROWN AS A PERSON. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS A LONG TIME AGO.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO COMPROMISE YOUR MORALS FOR ME!

I WOULDN'T EVER ASK YOU THAT. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY, AND I APPLAUD YOUR INTEGRITY,

AND I'LL NEVER ASK YOU TO COME TO ONE OF MY SHOWS AGAIN."

AND I HUGGED HIM, HE HUGGED ME, WENT HIS WAY, I WENT MINE.

NOW THE VERY NEXT DAY--

I WAS AT THE BANK, IN LINE, TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.

I SEE MY PASTOR, SO I WANNA GO UP THERE

AND REAFFIRM TO HIM THAT IT'S ALL GOOD--

I AIN'T MAD AT HIM, RIGHT?

OKAY, I WALK UP THERE TO HIM.

BEFORE I COULD GET TO HIM, A BANK ROBBER WALKED IN,

AND SAID "ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HIT THE FLOOR!"

AND HE WAS THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKER DOWN!

I SAID, "THIS IS THE LOWEST!"

I SAID, "OH THIS-- HOLD UP, HOLD UP, MR. BANK ROBBER,

THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT." I SAID "GET UP!" I SAID, "GET THE FUCK UP,

AND TELL THE BANK ROBBER THAT BULLSHIT YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY."

I SAID, "HE SAID HE AIN'T NO MOTHERFUCKER, MR. BANK ROBBER!

GO AHEAD, TELL HIM!"

"HOW YOU GONNA SELECT WHEN YOU GONNA BE A MOTHERFUCKER?"

I SAID, "NOW I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THESE TWO TICKETS TO THE SHOW,

AND YOU BETTER BRING YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS TO IT."

"DEF JAM," THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT.

MUCH LOVE TO Y'ALL! THANK Y'ALL!

ADELE GIVENS, Y'ALL, ADELE GIVENS.

THIS NEXT BROTHER COMING TO THE STAGE

STRAIGHT OUT OF D.C. GIVE IT UP

FOR EARTHQUAKE!

THAT'S GOOD, KID! GIVE IT UP FOR KID, Y'ALL.

SHOW SOME LOVE!

COME ON, SHOW SOME LOVE!

I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY.

SHIT, YEAH!

FUCKIN' L.A.

I'M FROM D.C. BUT I'M TELLIN' Y'ALL RIGHT NOW,

IF GAS GO UP ONE MORE MOTHERFUCKIN' PENNY...

I'M GONNA BUY ME A FUCKIN' HORSE!

GRASS GOTTA BE CHEAPER THAN GAS, NIGGA.

I BULLSHIT YOU NOT.

MY DAUGHTER SAID SHE WANTED A PET-- FUCK A PET!

TIMES TOO HARD TO HAVE ANYTHING LIVIN' IN YOUR HOUSE

AIN'T PULLIN' THEIR FAIR SHARE.

SO I BOUGHT HER ASS A PET THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN USE--

A OLD, RETIRED POLICE DRUG DOG.

SO WHEN I LOSE MY LAST BAG OF HERB,

"NIGGA, YOU BETTER FIND IT!"

I BE WALKING MY DOG THROUGH THE PROJECTS,

JUST FIND A NIGGA'S STASH HERE. "GOOD BOY!"

"YOU FOUND SOME COCAINE TOO! THAT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

"YOU KEEP COMING HOME WITH 8-BALLS, NIGGA,

YOU GONNA GET YOUR OWN ROOM!"

MIGHT HAVE TO PUT MY SON OUT BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!

THIS NIGGA'S COMIN' HOME WITH 8-BALLS, MOTHERFUCKER!

I GO TO MY MAN'S HOUSE, "YOU GOT SOME HERB?"

"NO, I'M ALL OUT." ( barks )

"HE SAY 'NO, YOU NOT, NIGGA.'"

( barks ) "HE SAY YOU GOT COCAINE TOO.

YOU'S A SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER."

DON'T FUCK WITH ECSTASY. THAT'S A WHITE PEOPLE DRUG.

IT MAKE YOU HALLUCINATE.

AND BLACK PEOPLE, WE DON'T NEED TO HALLUCINATE

'CAUSE SOME OF US ALREADY GOT A PROBLEM WITH REALITY.

I DROPPED TWO OF THEM TABLETS,

MY DAUGHTER'S RABBIT STILL WON'T COME IN THE HOUSE.

SHE LIKE, "DADDY, WHAT'D YOU DO TO THAT RABBIT?

HE HATES YOUR ASS. WHAT'D YOU DO TO THAT RABBIT?"

I SAID, "I TOLD YOU, KEEP THAT GODDAMN RABBIT OUT MY ROOM."

ALL THAT FUR LOOK ALIKE EN YOU HIGH.

NOW THE RABBIT DONE HAD BUNNIES AND SHIT.

I HOPE AIN'T NONE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING KIDS.

I'LL BE ALL ON "THE MAURY SHOW." "I DIDN'T FUCK THAT RABBIT!

THEM BUNNIES AIN'T GOT MY EYES, NIGGA!

OPEN THE ENVELOPE, OPEN UP!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!"

I'M A KATRINA SURVIVOR, MOTHERFUCKER.

YEAH!

AND I WASN'T EVEN IN NEW ORLEANS.

NIGGA, I WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE, NIGGA!

THAT IS A HURRICANE!

THAT BITCH JUST CAME THROUGH, SNATCHED THE HOUSE,

THE MONEY, AND EVERYTHING.

AND AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME NO FORECAST!

GOTTA FIND THE RIGHT MOTHERFUCKIN' WOMAN.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I THOUGHT I FINE WOMAN WAS A CHICK

WITH THE MEASUREMENTS, 26-36-24,

A FINE WOMAN WHEN YOU 40 IS A CHICK

WITH A MEASUREMENT OF A FICO SCORE OF 750.

YOU JUST BE LOOKING AT THAT BITCH--

"LOOK AT THAT 100% FINANCING...

JUST WALKIN' AROUND!

I COULD COME UP IF I COULD GET THAT BITCH."

I DONE REFINANCED MY HOUSE SO MANY TIMES, NIGGA,

I JUST OWN THE GATE!

GOTTA FIND THE RIGHT ONE, MAN.

GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE.

GOT TO GET THAT RIGHT.

BUT BLACK PEOPLE, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR KIDS,

'CAUSE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE DANGEROUS.

I BULLSHIT YOU NOT, BUT I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, 'CAUSE SHE'S, YOU KNOW--

SHE'S A JUNIOR AT GRAMBLING UNIVERSITY

AND I LOVE HER-- YEAH!

MISS JUNIOR! THAT IS MY GIRL.

FIRST SHE DIDN'T WANNA GO TO COLLEGE.

I TOLD HER LITTLE BLK ASS, SHE GOING TO COLLEGE.

EVEN IF I HAD TO PUT HER BED

IN THE CLASSROOM WITH THE PROFESSOR.

SHE LIKE, "DADDY, YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE."

I LIKE, "YEAH, WE GAMBLED ON MY BLACK ASS, BUT WE AIN'T GAMBLIN' ON YOU.

'CAUSE PUBLIC SCHOOL OWE MY ASS A REFUND."

THEM NIGGAS PUSHED ME THROUGH,

AND I WASN'T PLAYIN' NO SPORTS OR NOTHIN'!

I WENT TO MY 20-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

MY TEACHER WAS LIKE, "WE SO PROUD OF YOU!"

I LIKE, "BITCH, YOU AIN'T HELPED!"

I DON'T KNOW NONE OF MY ALPHABETS OR NOTHING!

I GOT MY SON IN PRIVATE SCHOOL.

I CAN'T HELP HIM WITH NONE OF HIS GODDAMN HOMEWORK!

WHEN HE BRING HIS HOMEWORK HOME,

NIGGA, I GOTTA HIDE FROM HIM LIKE HE THE POLICE.

"AW, SHIT!

THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT THAT 5TH GRADE REPORT CARD!

"HE'S GONNA NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS WORK, GOD DAMN IT!"

ONE TIME HE CAUGHT ME IN THE BASEMENT.

HE LIKE, "DADDY, WHAT YOU THINK?"

I LIKE, "SHIT, WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU WAS THERE. WHAT DID THE TEACHER SAY, MOTHERFUCKER?

I CAN'T DO HOMEWORK AND TELL JOKES!

YOU HOLDING ME BACK LIKE THE KLAN, MOTHERFUCKER!"

BUT WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR KIDS.

BROTHERS ARE COMMITTING CRIMES WE'D HAVE NEVER DONE WHEN WE WAS YOUNG.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP ALL WITH THIS THUG SHIT,

BUT IT'S GETTIN' OUTTA HAND.

BULLSHIT YOU NOT. WHEN I SEE FOUR, FIVE THUGGISH BROTHERS

WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET

I'M LIKE WHITE PEOPLE-- "OH, SHIT, HERE THEM NIGGAS COME!"

DON'T LOOK AT 'EM, BABY, DON'T LOOK AT THEM MOTHERFUCKERS!

TAKE THAT GOLD OFF, FUCK YOUR HAIR UP!

THEY'LL RAPE BOTH OF US!"

WHAT KINDA NIGGA RAPE YOU AND YOUR WIFE?

SHE LIKE, "HELP ME!" "BITCH, MY ASS HURT TOO!

YOU NEED TO HELP ME! SHOW HIM A TITTY,

GET HIM OFF OF MY ASS!

I THOUGHT I HAD TO FIGHT THESE NIGGAS!

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WAS RAPING FAMILIES!

WHAT THE FUCK DONE HAPPENED TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD?"

YOU AND YOUR WIFE IN RAPE COUNSELING

SHE GET IN THE MEETING, JUST START SNITCHING--

"WELL, THEY FUCKED HIM FIRST.

HE WAS SCREAMIN' LIKE A BITCH!

I WAS ASHAMED TO BE THE NIGGA'S WIFE!

I KEPT ASKING HIM, WHY YOU SHITTIN' AND PISSIN' ALL ON YOURSELF?

YOU ALWAYS TRYIN' TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT SHIT DIDN'T HURT!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU LIKE YOU TELL ME-- RELAX YOUR MUSCLES!

BREATHE SLOWLY!

HE JUST WANNA PUT THE HEAD IN A LITTLE WHILE!"

I'M EARTHQUAKE, Y'ALL, GOD BLESS Y'ALL.

ONE MORE TIME FOR EARTHQUAKE, SHOW HIM SOME LOVE, COME ON!

AND THE MAN, RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL!

THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT!

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS, SOUL CLAP, COME ON!

CLAP YOUR HANDS, SOUL CLAP, SOUL CLAP, COME ON!

CLAP YOU HANDS, COME ON, SOUL CLAP, COME ON!

"DEF COMEDY JAM" CREW!

CLAP YOUR HANDS! "DEF COMEDY JAM" CREW!

CLAP YOUR HANDS, LET'S GO!

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