Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY

RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM!

WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS.

TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- TONY ROCK,

SOMMORE, AND CAPONE.

I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ--

THE KID CAPRI.

AND WE ARE BACK!

AND NOW THE HOST--

MIKE EPPS!

YEAH!

GO SIT DOWN, GO SIT DOWN!

GO SIT DOWN, GO SIT DOWN, GO SIT DOWN!

ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BADDEST DJ EVER--

KID CAPRI!

WHAT'S UP L.A., WHAT'S UP, L.A.?

WHERE'S SOUTH CENTRAL AT? SOUTH CENTRAL!

( cheering )

WHERE COMPTON AT? COMPTON, WHERE--

WHERE LONG BEACH AT? LONG BEACH!

WHERE INGLEWOOD? INGLEWOOD!

AW, SHIT, LET ME FIND MY WALLET,

THEY ALL IN THE HOUSE.

Y'ALL LIVE IN SOME ROUGH-ASS NEIGHBORHOODS. SHIT!

I SEEN A NIGGA WALKING A RAT IN COMPTON ONE DAY--

NIGGA HAD A RAT!

NIGGA HAD A BIG RAT JUST PULLING HIM AROUND, LIKE THIS.

( groaning )

TAIL JUST-- ( growls )

Y'ALL LOOKIN' GOOD AS HELL UP IN HERE.

SHIT, TOP FLIGHT SECURITY IS IN HERE

WATCHING EVERYTHING.

READY TO BLOW A WHISTLE

ON ONE OF THESE BITCHES!

FOR REAL, BOSS, SHIT-- ALL THE LADIES LOOKIN' GOOD,

SHIT, LADIES, DON'T GO TO JAIL.

HEY, IT'S FUCKED UP OUT HERE, MAN,

IT'S CRAZY AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY LOCKIN' EVERYBODY'S ASS UP.

MY GRANDMOTHER TWO-FACED IT,

AND THE MOTHERFUCKER CALLED THE POLICE.

YEAH, JUST TWO-FACED IT.

CALLED THE POLICE ON EVERYBODY IN THE HOOD,

AND THEN COME DOWN THERE WITH A NIGHTGOWN,

"WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?"

YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN' ON DOWN HERE!

YOU CALLED THE PO-- "I DIDN'T CALL, THEY BEEN ON Y'ALL, SHIT.

DON'T PUT IT ON ME!

THEY BEEN WATCHING Y'ALL."

MY GRANDMOTHER THINKS SHE KNOWS ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT'S COPPIN'.

"YOU KNOW, TONY GETTIN' TWO POUNDS."

"NOW HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DOPE TONY GETTIN'?"

"'CAUSE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE FRONTIN' ME A QUARTER OF IT.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW HOW MUCH DOPE!"

THERE-- IT'S FUCKED UP, MAN.

LOOK AT YOU, WE GOT SOME COOL MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE HOUSE, SHIT.

LOOK, I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS NIGGA GOT ON?

BAM! BAM!

THAT'S THAT SHIT, THAT'S THAT SHIT!

I WOULD LOVE TO GO CANOEING IN THAT LITTLE VEST RIGHT THERE

( singing children's song )

GOT SOME COOL-LOOKIN' MOTHERFUCKERS AN' ALL.

LOOK, A WHITE GUY OVER THERE-- WHAT'S GOIN' ON, WHITE GUY?

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOU, BABY?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON WITH YOU, DUDE? COME ON, MAN!

FUCK IT, COME ON, DUDE!

WHY DO WHITE DUDES DO THAT WITH THEIR LEG--

"MAN, FUCK IT, COME ON!"

"FUCK IT, COME ON, MAN!"

I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE, 'CAUSE YOU CAN BORROW MONEY FROM THEM,

AND DON'T NEVER GIVE IT BACK.

I GOT A COUPLE FRIENDS I OWE SOME MONEY-- ( laughs )

YOU BORROW MONEY FROM A WHITE DUDE-- "YOU GOT $20?"

"YEAH, I GOT IT. WHEN YOU GONNA GIVE IT BACK?

HERE, TAKE IT."

YOU BORROW MONEY FROM A NIGGA, HE GONNA BE AT YOUR HOUSE

WAITING ON YOU.

SOON AS YOU PULL UP, NIGGA SITTING ON YOUR PORCH.

"HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?"

"NOTHING, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?"

"NOTHING. CHECKING ON THAT LI'L $20 I GAVE YOU EARLIER."

Y'ALL READY FOR THIS SHIT?! COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!

- PUT YOUR-- - ( Kid Capri scratches record )

COMING TO THE STAGE, HE'S ONE OF THE STARS

ON THE HIT SHOW ON UPN, "ALL OF US,"

MAKING HIS "DEF COMEDY JAM" DEBUT,

GIVE IT UP, FOR NEW YORK'S OWN

TONY ROCK! COME ON, Y'ALL!

WHAT UP, L.A.?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

WHAT'S THE DEAL, Y'ALL? WHAT'S GOING ON?

L.A., I LOVE THIS TOWN. I'M A NEW YORKER,

BUT I'M STARTIN' TO LOVE THIS TOWN, MAN.

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BEAUTIFUL WEATHER.

BEAUTIFUL WEATHER! IT DON'T GET TOO HOT HERE--

I CAN'T TAKE IT WHEN IT GET TOO HOT.

I SEE WHITE PEOPLE. I KNOW YOU ALL THINK

WE CAN TAKE THE HEAT. THAT'S A FUCKIN' MYTH, OKAY?

HEAT MAKES NIGGAS VIOLENT!

WHY YOU THINK THERE'S A WAR GOING ON IN AFRICA

FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN REMEMBER?

THEY JUST WAKE UP EVERY MORNING--

"HOT AGAIN?"

"I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!"

"SOMEONE WILL DIE TODAY!"

CAN'T TAKE IT WHEN IT GET TOO HOT, MAN!

ANOTHER THING I HAD TO GET USED TO IN L.A.? THE DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES--

HAD TO GET USED TO IT. I'M FROM BROOKLYN--

BLACKS, WHITES, PUERTO RICANS, THAT'S IT!

THAT'S IT! I COME TO L.A.--

BLACKS, WHITES, ASIANS, PERSIANS--

WHAT THE FUCK IS A ARMENIAN?

I THOUGHT THAT SHIT WAS A SUIT!

I'M IN A CLUB, "NIGGA IS YOUR HANDS CLEAN? THIS IS ARMENIAN, NIGGA!"

AND MEXICANS-- HAD TO GET USED TO THE MEXICANS ALL OVER THE FUCKIN' PLACE.

THAT'S GETTIN' READY TO CHANGE, THEY TRYING TO KICK Y'ALL OUT THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT, I DISAGREE. THAT'S BULLSHIT.

HOW YOU GONNA KICK THE HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET

OUT OF THE COUNTRY? RIGHT?

ANY MEXICANS IN HERE?

SEE? THEY ALL AT WORK!

THEY GOT NO TIME FOR NO DEF JAM!

HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANT.

MEXICANS WORK SO HARD. JAMAICANS ARE LIKE,

( Jamaican accent ) "HEY, MON!

TAKE IT EASY!

'EM WORK TOO HARD."

SNEAK INTO THE COUNTRY SUNDAY NIGHT,

WORKING MONDAY MORNING.

THEY JUST HANG OUT ON THE CORNER LOOKING FOR WORK.

CARS GOING BY-- "HEY, MY FRIEND, WE WORK FOR YOU, WE WORK FOR YOU!

HEY, MY FRIEND, YOU NEED WORK, WE WORK FOR YOU, MY FRIEND."

WHATEVER YOU NEED, YOU COULD JUST MAKE SOME SHIT UP.

PULL UP IN IN A PICKUP TRUCK-- "HEY, I NEED FOUR OF Y'ALL

TO HELP ME BUILD A SPACESHIP."

NO QUESTIONS ASKED, THEY IN YOUR TRUCK.

"LET'S GO, HOMES!"

( sings ) "WE GONNA BUILD A SPACESHIP, WE GONNA BUILD A SPACESHIP!"

NO TOOLS! ONE GUY WITH A SCREWDRIVER--

"I GO LIKE THIS WITH THIS! I DO LIKE THIS WITH THIS!

I DO LIKE THIS WITH THIS!"

FIRST OF ALL, THE WHOLE ARGUMENT FOR KICKING THEM OUT

DON'T MAKE NO FUCKIN' SENSE. IT'S JUST WHITE PEOPLE--

"THEY'RE COMING IN THE COUNTRY AND THEY'RE STEALING JOBS!"

EVERYBODY IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY IS HERE ILLEGALLY.

EVERYBODY HERE'S HERE ILLEGALLY!

EVEN THE WHITE PEOPLE. THEY JUST KILLED ALL THE WITNESSES!

AND BLACK PEOPLE, I KNOW Y'ALL KNOW WE DON'T BELONG HERE,

'CAUSE WE CAME HERE AS CARGO.

THEY USED TO SELL US LIKE WE WAS A PAIR OF SHELL TOES!

WALK IN THE STORE, PICK UP A LITTLE NIGGA BABY--

"HEY, YOU GOT THIS NIGGA IN A 12?"

THAT'S WHY I WANNA SEE MORE BLACK PEOPLE AT THE RALLIES

TO KEEP THE MEXICANS IN THE COUNTRY.

I WANNA SEE MORE BLACK PEOPLE AT THE RALLIES. YES.

'CAUSE IF THEY GET RID OF THE MEXICANS,

WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK IS NEXT?

YOU DON'T THROW AWAY THE CHAIRS AND KEEP THE TABLE.

WHATEVER IT IS, YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR RIGHTS, I'M FIGHTING WITH YOU,

'CAUSE IF THEY TAKE YOUR SHIT, THEY TAKING MY SHIT.

SO WHATEVER IT IS, I'M DOWN WITH THE MEXICANS.

I DON'T EVEN SPEAK SPANISH. I'M JUST WALKING--

"HEY, TACO, CHIMICHANGA! HEY, CHALUPA!"

WHATEVER IT IS, I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. GAY RIGHTS-- I AIN'T GAY, BUT IF THEY TAKE YOUR SHIT,

THEY TAKING MY SHIT. SO FUCK IT, LET'S MARCH.

JUST DON'T MARCH TOO CLOSE TO ME, MOTHERFUCKER!

I'M MARCHING! "WHAT DO WE WANT? DICKS! WHEN DO WANT 'EM? NOW!"

GAY PEOPLE ARE LIKE, E'RE NOT MARCHING FOR DICKS, ASSHOLE.

BUT WE'LL TAKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!"

IT'S ALL SUCH BULLSHIT, MAN.

WHITE PEOPLE TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY OWN THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, THEY THINK THEY OWN THE FUCKIN' COUNTRY.

THEY THINK THEY OWN EVERYTHING. JUST WALK DOWN THE STREET-- "THAT'S OURS."

THAT'S OURS TOO. 'SCUSE ME, NIGGER, THAT'S OURS TOO."

SHIT MAKE ME MAD, MAKE ME JEALOUS TOO. I WISH I WAS WHITE SOMETIMES.

I DO. JUST SO I CAN KNOW MY NEIGHBORS.

"HEY, BILL!" "HOW'S IT GOING, BOB?"

THEY FUCKIN' KNOW THEIR NEIGHBORS.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE DON'T KNOW WHO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO US--

NOT TILL THEY GET ARRESTED.

THEN WE ON THE 11:00 NEWS, LIKE--

"THAT NIGGA LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME?

I AIN'T NEVER SEE THAT NIGGA AROUND HERE BEFORE."

NOW WHITE PEOPLE, THEY FUCKIN' KNOW THEIR NEIGHBORS, 'CAUSE THEY NOSY.

ALL IN THE WINDOW, LOOKING AT THE MOTHERFUCKER--

"LOOK AT BOB.

BOB GOT A NEW JACKET!"

BUT WHITE PEOPLE REALLY DON'T KNOW BLACK PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE ALL TYPE OF CRAZY MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT US.

"ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE." WHAT?

NO, ALL ASIAN PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE.

DON'T PUT THAT SHIT ON US!

WHAT ELSE THEY SAY ABOUT US? "BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAZY,

THEY DON'T LIKE TO WORK." THAT'S BULLSHIT!

WE WORKED IN THIS COUNTRY FOR 400 YEARS FOR FREE.

WE AIN'T LAZY, GOD DAMN IT. WE ON VACATION.

WHAT ELSE THEY SAY ABOUT US? "DON'T LEAVE YOUR STUFF AROUND BLACK PEOPLE,

'CAUSE THEY STEAL! WATCH YOUR STUFF AROUND THEM, 'CAUSE THEY STEAL!"

SHIT, WHITE PEOPLE STEAL TOO.

NIGGAS ARE JUST WORSE AT IT.

CARS, CLOTHING, JEWELRY, MONEY. THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL WE EVER STOLE.

CARS, CLOTHING, JEWELRY, MONEY. Y'ALL STEAL THE GOOD SHIT!

STOCKS AND ELECTIONS!

CAN'T FUCK WITH Y'ALL WHEN IT COMES TO STEALING!

Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS STOLE NORTH AMERICA

AND DIDN'T EVEN MOVE THE SHIT!

HOW FUCKIN' GANGSTA IS THAT? NIGGAS CAN'T STEAL NO COUNTRY!

AND WE DON'T ALL ACT ALIKE, EITHER.

JUST SO YOU WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, WE DON'T ALL ACT ALIKE.

ONE OF MY WHITE FRIENDS SAID TO ME THE OTHER DAY--

"HEY, MAN, THAT GUY ACTS BLACK."

LIKE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ACT BLACK?

THIS AIN'T NO FUCKIN' ACT. I'M BLACK, GOD DAMN IT!

I DON'T ACT LIKE I'M SCARED OF THE COPS. I'M SCARED OF THE COPS!

ALL RIGHT? I DON'T ACT LIKE I LIKE CHICKEN.

THAT SHIT IS DELICIOUS!

I WISH I HAD A FUCKIN' DRUMSTICK ON STAGE RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S NOT A MYTH, WHITE PEOPLE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

WE'LL FUCK SOME CHICKEN UP, OKAY?

WHEN THE BIRD FLU GET HERE, I'M GONNA BE IMMUNE TO THAT SHIT.

GONNA BE THE ONLY NIGGA LEFT ON THE PLANET.

ME AND ALL THE CHICKENS. COME ON, LET'S GO! ( squawks )

HEY, I'M TONY ROCK, Y'ALL. THANKS FOR COMING OUT. GOOD NIGHT, PEACE.

( hip-hop backbeat playing )

COMING TO THE STAGE--

OPRAH WINFREY SAID THAT SHE'S A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.

AND THEN SHE HAD THE FEDS ON HER MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE QUEEN OF COMEDY,

SOMMORE!

WHAT IS THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DEAL?

NO, I'M-- LET ME TELL YOU,

I'M JUST SO FUCKIN' HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE A PART

OF SOME QUALITY SHIT!

I BEEN DEALING WITH SOME BULLSHIT.

I ALWAYS FALL INTO THE BULLSHIT SOME KINDA WAY.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THE LAST TIME Y'ALL TOOK A FLIGHT,

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE STEWARDESSES LATELY?

THE DAYS OF THE CUTE AIRLINE STEWARDESS IS DONE.

AND I ONLY FLY DELTA. WHEN I TELL YOU DELTA MUST GOT A PROGRAM,

LIKE A WORK PROGRAM, WITH HOME DEPOT OR SOME SHIT.

'CAUSE THIS IS THE BIGGEST BUNCH

OF BURLIEST BITCHES YOU EVER WANNA SEE.

AND WHAT THEY DOING, THEY TRYING TO MIX

THE AIRLINE STEWARDESSES WITH THE AIR MARSHAL.

YOU KNOW, SAVE MONEY AND SHIT.

I DAMN NEAR HAD TO FIGHT ONE OF THESE BITCHES COMING OVER HERE!

I'M SITTING ON THE PLANE, DRINKING MY LITTLE DRINK,

THIS BITCH GONNA LEAN OVER ME,

"CAN I GET YOU A BLANKET?" I SAID, "HELL NO,

YOU CAN GET THE TIP OF YOUR DICK OUT MY DRINK!"

"BITCH, I KNOW YOU THE AIR MARSHAL,

GET YOUR BIG ASS DOWN FROM THERE."

BUT I DON'T BLAME HER 'CAUSE FUCKIN' GAS IS HIGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GAS IS HIGH. GAS SO HIGH,

IT MAKE YOU WANNA FUCK A BUS DRIVER, DON'T IT?

I'M TELLING YOU, GAS IS HIGH AS SHIT.

I SWEAR, I TRY EVERY OPPORTUNITY

WHERE I CAN JUST RELAX AND ENJOY MYSELF.

I ENJOY MYSELF.

LIKE WHEN I LEAVE HERE, I'M GOING ON VACATION.

AND I'M GOING ON A REAL MOTHERFUCKIN' VACATION.

'CAUSE I BELIEVE-- SISTERS, WE JUST DON'T GO ON VACATION

LIKE WE SUPPOSED TO.

LIKE I SEEN FIVE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS

DO SOME OF THE SILLIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

FIVE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS WENT ON VACATION TOGETHER,

SPENT BIG MONEY. WENT SOMEWHERE LIKE BERMUDA.

STAYED IN THE BEST HOTEL THERE WAS IN BERMUDA.

DID ALL THIS SHIT TOURISTS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO ON VACATION,

BUT THEY DIDN'T GET NO DICK!

THEY DIDN'T GET NO DICK.

THEY CAME BACK FROM VACATION, I'M SITTING HERE, LIKE,

"OOH, GIRL, TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR VACATION, TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR VACATION!"

SHE WAS LIKE, "GIRL, IT WAS REALLY, REALLY NICE.

WE STAYED IN A BEAUTIFUL HOTEL,

THE WEATHER WAS NICE, WE WENT JET SKIING,

WE ATE LOBSTER, WE WENT SHOPPING, WE DRANK MARGARITAS,

IT WAS REALLY, REALLY NICE."

ALL THAT SHIT,

AND DIDN'T GET NO DICK.

LET ME EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN.

WHEN MEN GO ON VACATION,

PUSSY IS THE FINAL DESTINATION.

OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!

FIVE MEN COULD GO

TO SELMA, ALABAMA.

THEY COULD STAY IN A MOTEL 6.

IT COULD RAIN EVERY FUCKIN' DAY.

THEY COULD GET SOME PUSSY FROM A BITCH

THAT WORKED AT THE LOCAL WAL-MART.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "NIGGA, THIS SHIT WAS OFF THE CHAIN."

YOU'D BE SITTING THERE LIKE, "ALABAMA WAS LIVE LIKE THAT?"

TELLING YOU! WOMEN, WE GOTTA CATCH UP!

I'M SAYIN', I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND, I STILL DON'T HAVE KIDS,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS SAID, I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE KIDS UNTIL I GOT MARRIED.

NOW I THINK I WAITED TOO LONG TO GET MARRIED,

'CAUSE I THINK MEN SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED

TILL THEY OVER 30. AM I RIGHT? 'CAUSE MEN ARE NOT READY.

THAT'S RIGHT!

NO, THEY NOT.

WHEREAS WOMEN, I THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED

WHEN WE'RE YOUNGER. NOT THAT YOU'RE READY,

BUT JUST SO YOUR BRIDESMAIDS COULD LOOK BETTER, YOU KNOW?

SHIT! YOU FUCK AROUND,

AND TRY TO HAVE A WEDDING LATE IN LIFE.

YOU GO DOWN THE AISLE, FOLLOWED BY FOUR, FIVE BAKED POTATOES AND SHIT,

TWO, THREE BELL PEPPERS BE BRINGING UP THE REAR.

THEY GOT ON SATIN DRESSES

WITH THE BOWS WAY THE FUCK UP HERE.

YOU GET THE PICTURES BACK, YOU BE LIKE,

"GOD DAMN, Y'ALL BITCHES FUCKED UP MY PICTURES.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE!

JENNIFER, U COULD HAVE HELD YOUR STOMACH IN TIGHT ON THAT SHOT."

YOU FUCKED THIS WHOLE ANGLE UP RIGHT HERE."

THAT'S WHY WHEN I GET MARRIED, I'M DOING LIKE THE RAPPERS.

I'M HAVING VIDEO BITCHES IN MY WEDDING.

OH YEAH, OH YEAH. I'M HAVING VIDEO BITCHES.

I'M GONNA HAVE LIKE A WHOLE LINE OF THEM BITCHES.

I DON'T KNOW NONE OF THESE HOS.

FLAWLESS!

NOW, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP

TO THE VIDEO BITCHES, NOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEO BITCHES?

SEE, WOMEN, DON'T HATE ON THE VIDEO BITCHES.

SEE, 'CAUSE WHAT HAPPENS, SEE WOMEN,

WHEN WE REACH A CERTAIN AGE WE GET INTIMIDATED BY YOUNGER WOMEN.

WE GET INTIMIDATED. NOT JEALOUS, BUT INTIMIDATED.

SEE, YOU LOOK AT 'EM IN A CERTAIN KINDA WAY,

BUT SEE, IN YOUR MIND, YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS THEIR AGE,

YOU USED TO DO THE SAME TYPE OF SHIT.

SO IN YOUR MIND, YOU'LL BE WANTING TO HATE ON 'EM

BUT IN YOUR HEART, YOU'LL BE LIKE, "GO, YOUNG BITCH, GO!

OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

YOU GET INTIMIDATED BY THE VIDEO BITCHES.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WITH JANET JACKSON THAT YEAR AT THE SUPER BOWL.

JANET JACKSON WAS SO INTIMIDATED

BY BEYONCE SINGING "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER,"

THAT SHE PULLED HER MOTHERFUCKIN' TITTY OUT.

SHE DID! SHE DID!

SHE SAID, "OKAY, BITCH, YOU UP THERE SINGING 'OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE,'

BUT I'M GONNA SEE WHAT THEY SAY WHEN THEY SEE THIS TITTY!"

SHE SHUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN.

Y'ALL DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE FUCK BEYONCE HAD ON, DO YOU?

OH, THAT WAS A YOUNG GIRL MOVE, RIGHT THERE,

THAT WAS A YOUNG GIRL MOVE.

TELLING YOU! AND YOU GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF,

WOMEN, OUR MEN LOVE THEM VIDEO BITCHES.

OH, THEY LOVE 'EM! AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF,

THEY PUT PRESSURE ON REGULAR WOMEN. THEY DO.

THAT'S WHY I THINK FOR 2007,

WE SHOULD MAKE THE RAPPERS

USE THEY REAL BITCHES IN THE VIDEO.

OH YEAH, BRING YOUR REAL BITCH TO THE VIDEO.

DON'T BRING CHAMPAGNE, DON'T USE DESTINY,

DON'T USE DIAMOND--

BRING IRMA DOWN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

BRING YOUR FIRST BABY MAMA OUT THIS BITCH.

LET'S PUT MILDRED IN THE TWO-PIECE.

LET'S SEE THE WAY SHE BE "HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN'."

Y'ALL, MY NAME IS SOMMORE. Y'ALL BEEN GREAT. THANK Y'ALL.

SOMMORE, Y'ALL!

COMING TO THE STAGE,

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOGIE-DOWN BRONX,

SHOW SOME LOVE FOR CAPONE!

YES, SIR!

WHAT'S UP, GOD DAMN IT!

THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD.

IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY YOU LIKE TONIGHT, FUCK 'EM.

THAT'S THE TRUTH. AIN'T NO BULLSHITTIN' AROUND.

THIS IS NICE-- GOD, LOOK AT ALL THESE LADIES.

OOH, SHIT!

YOU LOOKIN' AT ME, GIRL. DON'T DO IT. I'M A FREAK.

I AM A FREAK. I EAT PUSSY TILL I BURP.

( laughs ) YES SIR!

IF YOU AIN'T FREAKY, DON'T LOOK AT ME, GOD DAMN IT.

I'M THE TYPE OF NIGGA THAT'D PICK YOU UP, THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW,

RUN DOWNSTAIRS, CATCH YOU, AND FUCK YOU BACK UPSTAIRS.

YES SIR!

THAT'S IT, LADIES.

THIS IS A NEW YEAR. THE WORLD'S ABOUT TO END,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET FREAKY, DON'T LOOK FOR NO GOOD MEN.

AIN'T NONE OF US LEFT. NONE OF US!

THE PRICE OF GAS DONE CHANGED ALL OF THAT SHIT!

"COME PICK ME UP." "BITCH, YOU BETTER MEET ME!

I GET TO YOUR BLOCK, I'M OUTTA GAS.

WE BOTH STUCK. FUCK YOU!"

IT'S THE TRUTH, 'CAUSE LADIES, Y'ALL DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE NO MORE.

NO, SIR. Y'ALL WANT A MAN TO COME OVER,

FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT, THEN LEAVE.

YEAH, LOOK AT 'EM CLAPPING, LITTLE SNEAKY BITCHES.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A SECRET-- YOU FUCK ME, I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT!

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET ME SOME JUICE AND SOME CEREAL,

'CAUSE I'M STAYING WITH YOUR ASS.

AND Y'ALL BROTHERS THAT BE LEAVING, Y'ALL STUPID!

AFTER A NUT, YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK.

YOU GONNA TRY TO FUCKIN' DRIVE?

AND SISTERS ARE GOOD WITH THROWING HINTS--

"WHOA! IT SURE IS GETTING LATE!

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, YOU BETTER GO TO SLEEP!

WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK UP AT THE SAME TIME, BITCH!"

AIN'T GOING NO FUCKIN' WHERE!

SHIT.

THIS WORLD COMING TO A END.

TELL Y'ALL RIGHT NOW, IT'S COMING TO A END.

A LOT OF LADIES, SITTIN' HERE RIGHT NOW GOT A BOYFRIEND

AND ANOTHER NIGGA ON THE SIDE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD, CLAP. I'M NOT NO SIDE NIGGA.

IF YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND, AND YOU FUCK ME,

YOU GOT TWO FUCKIN' BOYFRIENDS!

THAT'S RIGHT, GOD DAMN!

EITHER YOU INTRODUCE ME, OR I'M GONNA INTRODUCE MY FUCKIN' SELF!

"WHAT'S UP THERE! ME TOO, NIGGA! ME TOO!"

YES, SIR!

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN! GOTTA HAVE FUN WITH LIFE.

GOTTA HAVE FUN.

I LIKE L.A., 'CAUSE I SEE A LOT OF INTERRACIAL SHIT.

BROTHERS FUCKING ALL DIFFERENT KIND OF NATIONALITIES.

THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE BLACK WOMEN, Y'ALL STRONG.

TOO FUCKIN' STRONG, SOMETIMES.

DICK BE HITTING YOUR HEART, YOU COULD SEE IT HITTING YOUR HEART,

YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT-- ( growls )

LITTLE LATIN WOMEN, THEY CAN'T TAKE IT.

THEY JUMP RIGHT THE FUCK-- "AY, DIOS MIO, PAPA!

THE PUSSY, IT STAY ON THE BED.

LOOK AT THE PUSSY ON THE BED!"

LOT OF BROTHERS DATING CHINESE WOMEN NOW.

ORIENTAL GIRLS.

IT AIN'T 'CAUSE THEY GOT SEXY BODIES,

IT'S 'CAUSE OF THE NOISE THEY MAKE.

EVERY MAN IN HERE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR

THAT KINDA NOISE FROM ANY WOMAN.

( mimics Chinese accent ) "OH, OH NO, OH NIGGA, YOU KILLING THERE!"

( screams ) "OH! OH NIGGA!

OH, OH GOD!

YOU-- OH, BIGGA BLACKA DICKA MAN!

YOU KILLING-- OH, KILLING PUSSY!

I DEAD, I DEAD RIGHT NOW!"

HOW THE HELL YOU AIN'T GONNA MAKE LOVE TO THAT?

SOMEBODY SCREAMING THAT TYPE OF SHIT?

YOU JUST HITTING IT REGULAR-- "OH, OH, YOU KILLING ME!

OH, MY HEART!

OH, YOU BLACKA DICKA MAN!

YOU BLACKA DICKA!"

SHIT.

GOTTA HAVE FUN, MAN.

HAVE FUN. HAVE SEX TONIGHT. FUCK.

YOU HEAR ME, BOO? I SEE YOU LOOKIN'. FUCK.

AND NO REGULAR SEX EITHER, LADIES, FUCK REGULAR SEX!

EVERYBODY IN HERE HAD REGULAR SEX.

DO DIFFERENT SHIT!

YOU LAYING DOWN, THIS MAN ON TOP OF YOU,

YOU TALKING ABOUT "AH, AH, AH--" BE IN CONTROL!

TURN THAT MOTHERFUCKER OVER!

PUNCH THAT NIGGA IN HIS CHEST, BOOM!

HE GONNA FLINCH UP AND LOOK AT YOU,

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

SAY "SHUT UP, BITCH, AND TAKE THIS PUSSY

LIKE A MAN!"

SHIT!

DO DIFFERENT SHIT!

THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP A RELATIONSHIP-- DIFFERENT SHIT!

EVERY NOW AND THEN, ROB YOUR FUCKIN' MAN!

TAKE THE DICK FROM HIM.

EVERY MAN IN HERE ALWAYS WANNA CHEAT WITH DIFFERENT WOMEN.

YOU BECOME THAT DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER!

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!

EVERY NOW AND THEN, YOU PUT ON A NINJA SUIT.

WHEN THAT NIGGA COME THROUGH THE DOOR, YOU PUT A KNIFE TO HIS NECK,

"PULL YOUR DICK OUT, NIGGA!"

HE GONNA BE NERVOUS AT FIRST-- "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?"

SAY "SHUT UP! AND PULL YOUR DICK OUT!"

I BET THAT NIGGA BE HOME EVERY NIGHT LOOKING FOR A NEW COSTUME!

"YOO-HOO!

YOO-OO-HOO-OO!"

MY NAME IS CAPONE, BLESS!

ONE MORE TIME FOR CAPONE, Y'ALL. COME ON, COME ON!

RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL! RUSS SIMMONS!

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT!

( theme music playing )

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0