All language subtitles for Bajillion Dollar Properties s04e07 Held Breath.eng

Dean: Son.
DJ: Papa.

Dean: We've tried to determine
who will be the leader

with a number of contests.

We failed at traditional

Rock, Paper, Scissors.
DJ: Roshambo.

Dean:
We failed at Mumblety-peg.

DJ: Huh?
Dean: That was the one

with the knife.

DJ: So then how are we
going to make this

as fair as possible?

Dean: I think
we'll have to go back

to one of the oldest contests

known to civilization.

I think you know what I mean.
DJ: Yeah.

Dean: Breath holding.

We shall hold
our life's breaths

until the other gives out
and admits defeat.

DJ: May your mouth be

as closed as your nose
in the spring.

Dean:
May your lungs be as shriveled
as an after party balloon.

Who will win control
of Platinum?

Forgive me, I must alert you
to an oncoming spoiler.

Me.

Here we go, son.

I don't know what that is.
You're --

DJ: Baby sips
so I don't get dehydrated.

Dean:
Baby sips of -- of breath?

DJ:
Baby sips of air, Papa.

Dean: Then what are you
spitting out?

Hmm.

Here we go.

DJ:

Chelsea: Oh, hey.
Are you guys busy?

I have a conundrum
that I'm hoping

two of the smartest gentlemen
I know can help me with.

Chelsea's entrance certainly
presents an added challenge

to our breath-holding battle.

Chelsea: Here are my two options
for workshops.

I can either take one held

by this amazing
orator Chakra Khan

or I can take a reading series
led by Deepak Chopra.

Yeah, I know.
They all sound great.

But I have to choose one,
'cause I can't take them both.

Or can I?

Basically, I can either
go through the next level

or I can ascend over it
or I can duck beneath it.

Dean: Uhh!

Chelsea prattling
on about her foolish cult.

So infantile.

And it's interrupting
my breath-holding contest.

Chelsea: You're right.

So which workshop do I take?!

None of 'em.

I write my own.
Thank you.

DJ: Now that she's gone,
it's time for me to win.

Baxter:
Since it's 11:00 A.M.,

we were headed home
for the day.

Andrew: But then we saw
Dean and DJ

playing funny face contest
and we couldn't resist.

Andrew:
You guys play this wrong.

You switch it up,
it's boring.

Baxter: Ooh.

We were just trying to help.

It's like excusez-moi.

Dean:
You tampered with our contest!

Baxter: What were you doing?

DJ:
Finding out who was going to be

the owner, proprietor
of Platinum.

Andrew: Nobody told us that.

We came in
and we saw funny faces.

Dean: We were in the middle
of the contest

and now you've
affected the outcome!

Baxter:
These guys are too serious.

Andrew: Yeah. Let's show 'em
how to have fun.

Once, dude.
Baxter:

Get -- No.

No. Get off of me!

Get off of me!

I just was kidding!

Ow!

No. Stop it. Stop it.

Don't pin me.

Andrew: Open your mouth.
Baxter: No!

Andrew: Open your mouth!

Baxter: God damn it!

Andrew: You lost!
Open your mouth!

Dean: Well, it was a draw,
plus those idiots

got flecks of spittle
everywhere.

DJ:
You can't hold your breath

and dodge spittle.
It's too cruel.

Glenn:
This property in Beverly Hills
sure is a beauty.

But my new client Julianka
is running super-late.

I've been waiting patiently
for two hours

and if my client thinks
that I'm going to wait around

for her all day,
she's correct.

Ridiculous.

Julianka: Really?

Oh, Chinese client.

Glenn: Unbelievable.
Not even an apology. Huh.

Julianka:
I was on the phone with China

'cause I'm a bank architect.

Glenn:
Great. W-What are you?

Julianka: I'm a bank architect.
Glenn: Oh, good.

Julianka: That's someone
who does architecture,

but for large places,
like banks.

Glenn: I heard you
the first two times.

Julianka: There's a lot
of security involved.

Glenn:
Right, I was being sarcastic.

I wanted you to say it again.

Julianka:
If you sell this house,

aren't I paying you
the commission?

Glenn: Yes.
Julianka: Okay,

so let's get
that smile going, kitten.

Glenn: "Kitten"?
This girl's got some nerve.

But there's a $1.5 million
commission on the table,

so I'll bite my little
kitty cat tongue.

Here's the prospectus.
Has some of the information

about the property.
Julianka: Yeah.

Glenn: It's got eight
master suites...

...10 additional bathrooms,

it's over three acres
on the lot.

Julianka: Okay.
Glenn: We can --?

Are -- are you --?

Would you like to focus
on the property?

Julianka: Yeah. I just...

I had to close another deal.

It's good for you,
though, right, 'cause

then I might buy this place.
Glenn: Yeah. Yes. Let's...

Julianka:
Yeah, just show me the place.
I don't have a lot of time.

If you can just throw that away
for me, that'll be great.

You walk like a little prince.
Glenn: I'm sorry?

Julianka: You walk
like a little prince.

Glenn: Thank you.

Julianka:
Have you been told that?

Glenn: No, I haven't
been told that.

Julianka: That's so amazing.
Glenn: That's really great.

Julianka: So which way
are we going? That way?

Glenn: Why don't we start --?
Julianka: I'm just going

to look over here.
Glenn: Okay.

Julianka: I feel like I really
like a lot of this stuff.

Glenn: Sure, wherever
you would like to go.

My chat with DJ and Dean
really reaffirmed

by belief in nusdometrics
and myself.

Now I'm off to meet
my new client

astrophysicist
Neil deCicely Tyson.

How about this view?
Isn't it incredible?

Neil: No.
Chelsea: Oh?

Neil:
I'd tell you it's credible.

I can see it,
I can experience it,

I believe it.
Chelsea: Right.

Neil:
The view is credible. You --

I'm not trying to tell you

how to sell your home,

but let me tell you,
you'd be best to say,

"Isn't this view credible?"

Chelsea: Dr. deCicely Tyson
takes things very literally.

Got it.

Neil: I just realized
I didn't get your name, ma'am.

Chelsea: Oh, Chelsea.
Neil: Self-named?

Chelsea:
Why would that be the thing?

Neil: Because it's a cruel name
for someone to give a child.

Chelsea:
Well, my mother gave it to me.
It's a family name, so...

Neil: Chelsea means
chalk landing strip.

It's Old English.
It means chalk landing strip,

as in, here's a place
where white men

can find their purchases --
Chelsea: What?!

That seems like a jump.

Neil: Caucasian. Caucasoid
Mountains, the chalk mountain,

therefore the white mountains,
the white people's mountain.

Chalk, therefore meaning a white
person, a chalk landing strip.

Chelsea: Never --
Neil: Certainly, I can't be

the first person
to look you in the eyes

and tell you that your name
is chalk landing strip?

Chelsea: You are absolutely
the first person

to do any of those things,

especially not in this order.

Neil: You have lived
a very sheltered life.

Chelsea: Yeah. Who hasn't?
It's L.A.

Neil:
This is the best conversation

I have ever had with a female
in my entire life.

Chelsea: Oh, God, what happened
the other times?

Neil: I don't get it.

Walton: Well, hello, there!
Baxter: Hey, Walt! How are you?

Got some hot meals there?
Walton: Good to see you, yeah.

Baxter:
Yeah. Good to see you.

Walton: Just your friendly
meals on wheels driver

dropping by
to see how your day's going.

Baxter: Walt drives a private
gourmet meals on wheels truck

to deliver food
to the affluent elderly,

so that's why he always
smells like cauliflower

and the perfume White Diamonds.

I love this sweater vest.
Walton: Oh, thank you very much.

They say it matches my eyes.
Hey, you got the cash?

Baxter: Yeah.
Walton: Great.

Baxter: You got the tips?
Walton: Do I look like

some immature asshole?

Of course, I got the tips.
Baxter: All right.

Walt also sells me tips

on which rich people
are about to die,

so I can just swoop in
and get the listing.

He's a great guy.

Walton:
98-year-old Eleanor Cornswallow

has a lovely four-bedroom,
five-bath in Hancock Park.

Cathedral ceilings,
real cook's kitchen,

not that she needs it.

Billiards room, lots of light.

Now based on the amount
of coughing she was doing

when I dropped off her radicchio
and grilled bacon salad,

I'd say she's got
a week left, maybe two.

Mm-hmm.
Baxter: That's good.

Okay, so maybe
a week left or two.

Walton: I got to say, Baxter,
you're such a snappy dresser!

Baxter:
I -- I appreciate that, Walt!

Walton: Speaking of hips,
I know an old lady

who just broke hers
in the Bird Street.

Now, that surgery
has come a long way,

but you know the old saying,
once the hip goes,

ain't long 'til the house
goes on the market.

It's such a beautiful day!
Baxter: It is.

Walton:
And I tell you what, I --

I do it just to see
the looks on their faces

when I give them the meals!

Baxter: These elderly people,
they -- they really need you!

Walton: It fills your heart
to bursting!

Speaking of bursting hearts,

I've got a mid-century modern
in Beverly Hills, okay.

Wonderful, beautiful grounds,
mature trees,

and it also happens to have
an exceedingly mature owner

who's in the late stages
of cardiovascular disease.

Baxter: Oh! That house!

It's incredible!

I have been wanting
to represent it for years.

I thought his body
was going to reject

that liver,
for sure and then --

Walton:
Well, it still might, okay.

Now we could wait
for that to happen

or I can nudge things
along a little bit.

Maybe leave some ball bearings

on his reclaimed
wooden steps?

Fall like that,
a guy his age, mmm.

Baxter:
You're going to kill him?

Walton: What?! Me?!
No.

Baxter, what are you
talking about?!

I'm a good person!
Baxter: Yeah, no.

Walton: I deliver food
to the elderly!

Baxter: You're the best.
No, we cannot --

Walton:
Yes, I will kill him for $500.

Baxter: What? No.

This is turning a corner that I
don't want to be involved --

Walton: Oh, Mr. Goodie Two Shoes
all of a sudden here, hmm.

Baxter:
I simply wanted tips on

when people were going
to die naturally.

Walton: I see.

Baxter: I did not want
to play God here.

Walton: Oh.
The other option is, you know,

I could always poison his food.

I got this tasteless, colorless,

odorless stuff called Valium,
maybe you've heard of it.

Can stir it right into
the butterscotch pudding mix.

Just like what
you're eating.

Baxter: Has this pudding
got Valium in it?

Walton:
You are very funny.

Baxter: That wasn't a joke?
Walton: Well, I got to go feed

some elderly people
Baxter: No, is this --?

Walton:
You have a great day, Baxter.

Baxter: Oh, shit. Shit.
Walton: Thanks for the cash.

Baxter:
Oh, God. Oh, no. Ah, shit.

Walton:
♪ I love helping people ♪

Hey, how are you?
Baxter:

That's the third time this week

I've had to get
my stomach pumped.

Damn it, Walt!

Chelsea: Unfortunately,
Dr. Neil deCicely Tyson

has turned his gaze
from the cosmos to me.

Neil: How old are you?
Chelsea: Excuse me?

Neil: Your age --
how old are you?

How long has it been

since you were sucked out
of your mother's birth canal

at the hand of some
well-trained physician?

Chelsea: "Sucked"?
Neil: I would say 30s, 30s.

Chelsea: Yeah, I'm 33.
Neil: Though you have the worry

of a 40-something year-old
woman.

Chelsea: What does that mean?

Neil: I'm just saying
you're a 33-year-old

African-American woman,

no accent on the "can"...

Chelsea: Oh, that -- that was
just mean, that was just rude.

Well, he's an astrophysics
with emphasis on the ass.

Neil: My point is,
you should accept that

you're going to die a lonely,
lonely tall woman.

Chelsea: What?
Neil: Not in a bad way.

Chelsea:

At least I'll still
have my height.

Neil:
Well, if I'm not mistaken,

we have 13 more minutes
of this home tour?

Chelsea: No, I'm done.
I don't want to see you anymore.

Neil: I thought we were
having a pleasant time.

Aren't we having a good time?
Chelsea: I don't know.

I guess you are really honest.
That's kind of refreshing.

Everybody here lies
all the time.

Everyone's just like,
"Chelsea, you're awesome,"

or like, "Go, girl!",
or, "Can I touch your hair?

Do mine like that."

Everyone's a fucking liar.

You want to see the garage?

Neil: Yes.

Would you like me
to touch your hair?

Chelsea:
No! No black woman does, ever.

It's like two steps forward,
three steps back with this guy.

You need to be less mean.

Neil:
There is no mean in science.

The only mean in science
is the average of numbers.

Chelsea: All right.

Neil: That's what
my father used to say.

Chelsea: He sounds like
a fucking hoot. Let's go.

Amir:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Dean: First Andrew
and Baxter interrupt

my breath-holding contest,

then Amir waltzes in to disturb
my private Tumblr time.

Amir:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Dean: It's not my birthday.
Amir: Oh, it is your birthday.

'Cause I have
the perfect present for you.

Dean: Is that so?
Amir: For the right price.

Dean:
That is not how presents work.

If I buy it from you,
it's not a gift.

You see?
Amir: This gift horse

is about to impress
the shit out of Dean.

This is a blue print
of the office.

You get into tunnel 3,

you go down to meet tunnel 2,
go down over here,

all the way up, boom,
into DJ's office.

Dean:
Amir, how does this help me?

Amir: Maybe kidnap him,
the Chapo style?

Dean: The Chapo?

Amir: Yeah.
Dean: El Chapo.

Amir: El Chapo's
Spanish for the Chapo.

It's like burrito.
It works the same.

Anyway, you are welcome.

Happy birthday to you.

I'll give you my Venmo account

and you can put
in whatever donation.

Dean:
I'm not on social media.

Amir, if I wanted to kidnap DJ,

I could do it at any time.

I'm well aware
of his movements,

where he lives, where he goes.

It would be very easy to do.

Amir:
Yeah, but tunnel, man. Tunnel?

Dean: We've all let this go
on for far too long.

It's time to set him straight.

Amir, listen to me.

You're bad at this.

You're not good
at blackmailing people,

at plotting, at getting
the better of people.

It's not a talent
that you possess.

You should stop --
Amir, are you crying?

Amir:
Wouldn't you like to know.

Dean: Your lip is quivering,
your eyes are welling up.

Amir.

I'm telling you this
in a friendly way.

This is not
your strong suit.

Just be good at your job
and that's how you'll succeed.

Or is it ba-cheed?

Amir: It's achieve.

Maybe I'm just fake crying
so I hear you say nice things.

I guess it worked.

Dean: Are you fake crying?

Amir:
I will prove that Amir Yaghoob

is a master manipulator.

Maybe I'll stop crying
for the right price.

Dean: I'm not going to pay you
to stop crying.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, Amir. Oh.

I'm almost tempted
to give you money

to make this stop.

Amir: Ah, boom!

Eight bucks, tax free,

and there's a sucker
born every minute.

Dean: He left too soon.
I would've gone to $1,000.

Glenn: I'm trying my best
to remain professional

during this tour
with my client Julianka,

but she is driving me
absolutely bananas.

Now this garden's --
Julianka: Oh, sorry, Glenn.

Hello? Yeah.

No, not today. Thank you.

Glenn: Now this garden itself
is maintained by a team --

Julianka: Oh, one second, Glenn.

Hello?
Maybe on Wednesday. Mm-hmm.

Glenn: This garden is maintained
by a team of gardeners who --

Julianka:
Okay, just -- Yeah?

Oh, please.
You know I am going to close.

Okay. Just, you know,

grab him by the dick
or whatever.

Okay. Without asking.
Okay. Thank you.

Glenn: Okay, enough!
All right? Stop it!

I don't know if you're one
of those Neanderthals

who thinks that you can treat
real estate agents

like they're
second-glass citizens,

but it is so disrespectful.

Okay, we are compassionate,

empathetic,
sensitive human beings

who do not deserve
to be treated like this.

Yes, we probably can't
go get another job,

because we have
a limited skill set

and this is all that we can do
with whatever charm

that we have.
We're crude salesman.

But you have no right
to treat us like this.

It is so unprofessional
and I have had it, all right?!

It's been happening
this entire tour!

This is a property
I care deeply about.

Please show it some respect.

Julianka:
Okay. Know what, you're --

you're right.
I'm sorry.

Glenn: Whoa. She's sorry?
Is she being sincere?

Julianka: I got really caught up
in the make it

or break it world
of bank architecture

and sometimes I forget
how to be decent to people.

Glenn:
Well, I'm sorry. I lost my cool.

I appreciate her
owning up to it.

Both: After you.
Jinx! You owe me a soda!

Julianka: What? What?

Glenn: Wow. You say "soda"?
Julianka: Yes, I say that.

Glenn: Everyone that I know
always says a specific soda.

Julianka:
Yeah, like, "You owe me
a Coke or you owe me a..." No!

Glenn: No. Because it's up to
the winner to pick the soda.

Julianka:
Yeah. That's crazy.

Glenn:
Wow, that's really specific.

Julianka: I -- yeah, that's
something I've always done.

Glenn: Huh. That's...

You got a little
something right down...

Julianka: Oh. Thank you.

Glenn: Oh, it's just
your shiny hair.

Julianka: Oh, thanks.
Glenn: Yeah.

Did you hear that?
When I touched her hair,

it was just the sound
of angels singing.

No big deal.

Your purse keeps...
Julianka: Oh.

Glenn: ...sliding down --
the strap keeps...

Get this.

Julianka: Oh, thanks.
Thanks.

Um...

Glenn: You know what?
We -- we should see

the rest of the place.
Julianka: Yeah, we should. Yes.

Glenn: Follow me.
Julianka: Okay.

Chelsea: It's been
an emotional roller coaster

with Dr. Neil deCicely Tyson,

but if I make this sale,
it'll all be worth it.

Neil:
...that meet Class V star.

So there's really
nothing that science --

oh, this is nice --
that science cannot explain.

Chelsea: Okay, I'm going
to stop you there.

There are a few things
science cannot explain.

Neil: No, no, no, no.
Chelsea: Deja vu, that's one.

Neil: The human memory
is the faultiest sense that we,

as human beings, have.

It is three-times --
Chelsea: Umami.

Neil:
Amino acids make the meat

have a pleasant taste.

Chelsea: Get out your phone.
I know just the thing

that'll blow his theory
out of the water.

Type in "unlikely
animal friendships."

Neil: I don't have to type
on this phone.

I'll use Wolfram app.

Wolfram, show me
"unlikely animal friendships."

Turn down the volume.

Chelsea: Okay, look. That one.

Neil:
Okay. It's a wolf and a duck.

All right, obviously,
it's going to be one of those

nature shows that a wolf --

Chelsea: I wouldn't say
"obviously" so soon,

because this wolf
and this duck are friends.

Explain that, science.

Neil:
I mean, they're hanging out
together, I would call it.

Chelsea:
Mm-hmm, they're hanging out.

Neil: They're frol--
Chelsea: They're frolicking.

Neil: They're frolicking.

Chelsea: They're frolicking,
that's the definition.

Neil: The ducky just jumped
on the wolf's back.

Chelsea:
Well, he's going for a ride.

Neil: But that doesn't
make sense, though, because --

Chelsea: 'Cause they're buddies.
Neil: Because normally,

I mean, that is a wild wolf.

Chelsea:
Literal predator and prey.

Neil: But nobody's being
preyed upon today, are they?

Chelsea: No, they are not.
They are just hanging out.

Neil:
That doesn't make sense.

Chelsea:
They're laying down in a meadow.

Neil: Look at that!

Chelsea:
That is a God-damn Disney movie.

Boom! Finally!

A point for Chelsea!
Whoosh!

Yeah. Yeah.
Neil:

Chelsea:
Some things, they just are.
You can't explain 'em.

Neil:
Some things you cannot explain.

Chelsea: Are you all right?
Neil: No, I am not all right.

I am the opposite of all right.

Chelsea: I mean, they're just --
they're just --

Neil: Lot of what -- I know that
they're more than cute animals.

They are friends.
They are unlikely animal...

friends.

Oh.

Hey, Dad? Mom?

Chelsea: Seems like a private...
Neil: No, no, it's my mom.

Her voice -- her voice
is different now.

Is Dad there?

Oh, okay.
Is Aunt Suzanne there?

Apparently, my mom's
a lesbian now

and she's dating
some lady named Su--

See, I haven't
seen her in awhile.

Chelsea: I can...
Neil: No, no,

I want you
to stay and listen.

Chelsea: Okay.
Neil: Yeah.

Things are good.

Things are different.
I have a girlfriend.

Chelsea: Huh?
Neil: I think.

No, no, I don't have
a girlfriend, but...

Chelsea: I had to explain to him
what a girlfriend is.

He didn't buy the house.

Glenn:
Apparently, there really is a
thin line between love and hate,

because this house
tour with Julianka

just went from terrible
to terribly romantic.

I've got news for ya,
I brush my teeth twice,

sometimes three times a day.

Julianka: What? So you brush
your teeth after you eat?

Glenn: Yeah, I do, yeah.
Julianka: That's what I do.

Glenn: Really?
Julianka: Yes.

Glenn: Wow.
Julianka: Every day.

Glenn: I had no idea. It's just
important after meals.

Julianka: Yeah. Just another
part of my routine,

like getting dressed.

Glenn: Yeah, I get dressed
every day, too.

Julianka: Oh. Oh.

Sorry.
Glenn: What's going on?

Julianka:
Oh, shoot.

I have to go.

I have to meet
a banker uptown.

Glenn: Well...

What about the house?

Julianka: I don't know.

I have to think about it.

Glenn:
I -- I think it fits you.

I -- I think it would
treat you right.

Julianka: I...I've been through
a lot of houses.

And they all seem
nice at first, but...

they end up not so great
in the end.

Glenn: Hey, everyone's got
a past with houses.

Julianka: I just don't know
if I can take the risk.

Glenn: Oh, no. I feel like
I'm losing Julianka --

I mean, the sale.

Okay, well,
let's keep in touch.

Julianka: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Okay.

Julianka:
I'll get back to you.

Glenn: Julianka, I --
Julianka: Glenn,

I can't buy this house.

I am a brown person
and this house is pasty.

Everything's pasty and light.

Glenn: Can't we coexist?

If you're not
striving for harmony,

what are you striving for?

Paint can change,
skin can tan.

Julianka: This is too much
for me right now. I...

I was supposed
to meet someone.

Glenn: Julianka, please.

Julianka:
Glenn, I thought about it
and I cannot buy this house.

Glenn: Why? What is missing
from this property?

Julianka: It's missing
one important feature.

A feature I didn't even
realize that I needed

until I saw it today.

Glenn: What is it?
Is it an automated Japanese

toilet with one of those
self-heating seats?

Because I can
get you that.

Julianka: Is that the kind
with the bidet?

Glenn:
Yeah, everything is built in.

Julianka:
Oh. Then that and...

and you, Glenn.

Glenn: What?

Julianka: Yeah.

Glenn: Wait.
What is happening right now?

What are you doing?

Julianka:
Glenndolyn Frances Bouchard...

will you marry me?

Glenn: What is...?

Oh, my jeez!

A man waits for a moment
like this his whole life

and sometimes he thinks
it will never come!

Chelsea: You look a little,
like your color's a little...

Glenn:
Chelsea: No?

Glenn: If I get horny,
I'm going to take what's mine.

Annabelle: I'm going to go.
You can sit down.

Woman: I'm married

and I have a slew of STDs.

Glenn: Finally, my
Princess Charming has come!

Yes! Yes! Mm-hmm!
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!

Julianka:

Glenn: Yes!
Julianka: Oh!

Glenn: And Glenn can have
it all, yes!

Yes! It's a yes!

Julianka: Sorry,
it's kind of hard to breathe.

Glenn: Sorry.

Julianka: Come here. Oh.
Glenn: Ooh, no, no, no.

Not until the wedding night.
Julianka: Oh.

Glenn: Hey, everybody?
Glenn's getting married!