Original subtitles

Dean: Son. DJ: Papa.

Dean: We've tried to determine who will be the leader

with a number of contests.

We failed at traditional

Rock, Paper, Scissors. DJ: Roshambo.

Dean: We failed at Mumblety-peg.

DJ: Huh? Dean: That was the one

with the knife.

DJ: So then how are we going to make this

as fair as possible?

Dean: I think we'll have to go back

to one of the oldest contests

known to civilization.

I think you know what I mean. DJ: Yeah.

Dean: Breath holding.

We shall hold our life's breaths

until the other gives out and admits defeat.

DJ: May your mouth be

as closed as your nose in the spring.

Dean: May your lungs be as shriveled as an after party balloon.

Who will win control of Platinum?

Forgive me, I must alert you to an oncoming spoiler.

Me.

Here we go, son.

I don't know what that is. You're --

DJ: Baby sips so I don't get dehydrated.

Dean: Baby sips of -- of breath?

DJ: Baby sips of air, Papa.

Dean: Then what are you spitting out?

Hmm.

Here we go.

DJ:

Chelsea: Oh, hey. Are you guys busy?

I have a conundrum that I'm hoping

two of the smartest gentlemen I know can help me with.

Chelsea's entrance certainly presents an added challenge

to our breath-holding battle.

Chelsea: Here are my two options for workshops.

I can either take one held

by this amazing orator Chakra Khan

or I can take a reading series led by Deepak Chopra.

Yeah, I know. They all sound great.

But I have to choose one, 'cause I can't take them both.

Or can I?

Basically, I can either go through the next level

or I can ascend over it or I can duck beneath it.

Dean: Uhh!

Chelsea prattling on about her foolish cult.

So infantile.

And it's interrupting my breath-holding contest.

Chelsea: You're right.

So which workshop do I take?!

None of 'em.

I write my own. Thank you.

DJ: Now that she's gone, it's time for me to win.

Baxter: Since it's 11:00 A.M.,

we were headed home for the day.

Andrew: But then we saw Dean and DJ

playing funny face contest and we couldn't resist.

Andrew: You guys play this wrong.

You switch it up, it's boring.

Baxter: Ooh.

We were just trying to help.

It's like excusez-moi.

Dean: You tampered with our contest!

Baxter: What were you doing?

DJ: Finding out who was going to be

the owner, proprietor of Platinum.

Andrew: Nobody told us that.

We came in and we saw funny faces.

Dean: We were in the middle of the contest

and now you've affected the outcome!

Baxter: These guys are too serious.

Andrew: Yeah. Let's show 'em how to have fun.

Once, dude. Baxter:

Get -- No.

No. Get off of me!

Get off of me!

I just was kidding!

Ow!

No. Stop it. Stop it.

Don't pin me.

Andrew: Open your mouth. Baxter: No!

Andrew: Open your mouth!

Baxter: God damn it!

Andrew: You lost! Open your mouth!

Dean: Well, it was a draw, plus those idiots

got flecks of spittle everywhere.

DJ: You can't hold your breath

and dodge spittle. It's too cruel.

Glenn: This property in Beverly Hills sure is a beauty.

But my new client Julianka is running super-late.

I've been waiting patiently for two hours

and if my client thinks that I'm going to wait around

for her all day, she's correct.

Ridiculous.

Julianka: Really?

Oh, Chinese client.

Glenn: Unbelievable. Not even an apology. Huh.

Julianka: I was on the phone with China

'cause I'm a bank architect.

Glenn: Great. W-What are you?

Julianka: I'm a bank architect. Glenn: Oh, good.

Julianka: That's someone who does architecture,

but for large places, like banks.

Glenn: I heard you the first two times.

Julianka: There's a lot of security involved.

Glenn: Right, I was being sarcastic.

I wanted you to say it again.

Julianka: If you sell this house,

aren't I paying you the commission?

Glenn: Yes. Julianka: Okay,

so let's get that smile going, kitten.

Glenn: "Kitten"? This girl's got some nerve.

But there's a $1.5 million commission on the table,

so I'll bite my little kitty cat tongue.

Here's the prospectus. Has some of the information

about the property. Julianka: Yeah.

Glenn: It's got eight master suites...

...10 additional bathrooms,

it's over three acres on the lot.

Julianka: Okay. Glenn: We can --?

Are -- are you --?

Would you like to focus on the property?

Julianka: Yeah. I just...

I had to close another deal.

It's good for you, though, right, 'cause

then I might buy this place. Glenn: Yeah. Yes. Let's...

Julianka: Yeah, just show me the place. I don't have a lot of time.

If you can just throw that away for me, that'll be great.

You walk like a little prince. Glenn: I'm sorry?

Julianka: You walk like a little prince.

Glenn: Thank you.

Julianka: Have you been told that?

Glenn: No, I haven't been told that.

Julianka: That's so amazing. Glenn: That's really great.

Julianka: So which way are we going? That way?

Glenn: Why don't we start --? Julianka: I'm just going

to look over here. Glenn: Okay.

Julianka: I feel like I really like a lot of this stuff.

Glenn: Sure, wherever you would like to go.

My chat with DJ and Dean really reaffirmed

by belief in nusdometrics and myself.

Now I'm off to meet my new client

astrophysicist Neil deCicely Tyson.

How about this view? Isn't it incredible?

Neil: No. Chelsea: Oh?

Neil: I'd tell you it's credible.

I can see it, I can experience it,

I believe it. Chelsea: Right.

Neil: The view is credible. You --

I'm not trying to tell you

how to sell your home,

but let me tell you, you'd be best to say,

"Isn't this view credible?"

Chelsea: Dr. deCicely Tyson takes things very literally.

Got it.

Neil: I just realized I didn't get your name, ma'am.

Chelsea: Oh, Chelsea. Neil: Self-named?

Chelsea: Why would that be the thing?

Neil: Because it's a cruel name for someone to give a child.

Chelsea: Well, my mother gave it to me. It's a family name, so...

Neil: Chelsea means chalk landing strip.

It's Old English. It means chalk landing strip,

as in, here's a place where white men

can find their purchases -- Chelsea: What?!

That seems like a jump.

Neil: Caucasian. Caucasoid Mountains, the chalk mountain,

therefore the white mountains, the white people's mountain.

Chalk, therefore meaning a white person, a chalk landing strip.

Chelsea: Never -- Neil: Certainly, I can't be

the first person to look you in the eyes

and tell you that your name is chalk landing strip?

Chelsea: You are absolutely the first person

to do any of those things,

especially not in this order.

Neil: You have lived a very sheltered life.

Chelsea: Yeah. Who hasn't? It's L.A.

Neil: This is the best conversation

I have ever had with a female in my entire life.

Chelsea: Oh, God, what happened the other times?

Neil: I don't get it.

Walton: Well, hello, there! Baxter: Hey, Walt! How are you?

Got some hot meals there? Walton: Good to see you, yeah.

Baxter: Yeah. Good to see you.

Walton: Just your friendly meals on wheels driver

dropping by to see how your day's going.

Baxter: Walt drives a private gourmet meals on wheels truck

to deliver food to the affluent elderly,

so that's why he always smells like cauliflower

and the perfume White Diamonds.

I love this sweater vest. Walton: Oh, thank you very much.

They say it matches my eyes. Hey, you got the cash?

Baxter: Yeah. Walton: Great.

Baxter: You got the tips? Walton: Do I look like

some immature asshole?

Of course, I got the tips. Baxter: All right.

Walt also sells me tips

on which rich people are about to die,

so I can just swoop in and get the listing.

He's a great guy.

Walton: 98-year-old Eleanor Cornswallow

has a lovely four-bedroom, five-bath in Hancock Park.

Cathedral ceilings, real cook's kitchen,

not that she needs it.

Billiards room, lots of light.

Now based on the amount of coughing she was doing

when I dropped off her radicchio and grilled bacon salad,

I'd say she's got a week left, maybe two.

Mm-hmm. Baxter: That's good.

Okay, so maybe a week left or two.

Walton: I got to say, Baxter, you're such a snappy dresser!

Baxter: I -- I appreciate that, Walt!

Walton: Speaking of hips, I know an old lady

who just broke hers in the Bird Street.

Now, that surgery has come a long way,

but you know the old saying, once the hip goes,

ain't long 'til the house goes on the market.

It's such a beautiful day! Baxter: It is.

Walton: And I tell you what, I --

I do it just to see the looks on their faces

when I give them the meals!

Baxter: These elderly people, they -- they really need you!

Walton: It fills your heart to bursting!

Speaking of bursting hearts,

I've got a mid-century modern in Beverly Hills, okay.

Wonderful, beautiful grounds, mature trees,

and it also happens to have an exceedingly mature owner

who's in the late stages of cardiovascular disease.

Baxter: Oh! That house!

It's incredible!

I have been wanting to represent it for years.

I thought his body was going to reject

that liver, for sure and then --

Walton: Well, it still might, okay.

Now we could wait for that to happen

or I can nudge things along a little bit.

Maybe leave some ball bearings

on his reclaimed wooden steps?

Fall like that, a guy his age, mmm.

Baxter: You're going to kill him?

Walton: What?! Me?! No.

Baxter, what are you talking about?!

I'm a good person! Baxter: Yeah, no.

Walton: I deliver food to the elderly!

Baxter: You're the best. No, we cannot --

Walton: Yes, I will kill him for $500.

Baxter: What? No.

This is turning a corner that I don't want to be involved --

Walton: Oh, Mr. Goodie Two Shoes all of a sudden here, hmm.

Baxter: I simply wanted tips on

when people were going to die naturally.

Walton: I see.

Baxter: I did not want to play God here.

Walton: Oh. The other option is, you know,

I could always poison his food.

I got this tasteless, colorless,

odorless stuff called Valium, maybe you've heard of it.

Can stir it right into the butterscotch pudding mix.

Just like what you're eating.

Baxter: Has this pudding got Valium in it?

Walton: You are very funny.

Baxter: That wasn't a joke? Walton: Well, I got to go feed

some elderly people Baxter: No, is this --?

Walton: You have a great day, Baxter.

Baxter: Oh, shit. Shit. Walton: Thanks for the cash.

Baxter: Oh, God. Oh, no. Ah, shit.

Walton: ♪ I love helping people ♪

Hey, how are you? Baxter:

That's the third time this week

I've had to get my stomach pumped.

Damn it, Walt!

Chelsea: Unfortunately, Dr. Neil deCicely Tyson

has turned his gaze from the cosmos to me.

Neil: How old are you? Chelsea: Excuse me?

Neil: Your age -- how old are you?

How long has it been

since you were sucked out of your mother's birth canal

at the hand of some well-trained physician?

Chelsea: "Sucked"? Neil: I would say 30s, 30s.

Chelsea: Yeah, I'm 33. Neil: Though you have the worry

of a 40-something year-old woman.

Chelsea: What does that mean?

Neil: I'm just saying you're a 33-year-old

African-American woman,

no accent on the "can"...

Chelsea: Oh, that -- that was just mean, that was just rude.

Well, he's an astrophysics with emphasis on the ass.

Neil: My point is, you should accept that

you're going to die a lonely, lonely tall woman.

Chelsea: What? Neil: Not in a bad way.

Chelsea:

At least I'll still have my height.

Neil: Well, if I'm not mistaken,

we have 13 more minutes of this home tour?

Chelsea: No, I'm done. I don't want to see you anymore.

Neil: I thought we were having a pleasant time.

Aren't we having a good time? Chelsea: I don't know.

I guess you are really honest. That's kind of refreshing.

Everybody here lies all the time.

Everyone's just like, "Chelsea, you're awesome,"

or like, "Go, girl!", or, "Can I touch your hair?

Do mine like that."

Everyone's a fucking liar.

You want to see the garage?

Neil: Yes.

Would you like me to touch your hair?

Chelsea: No! No black woman does, ever.

It's like two steps forward, three steps back with this guy.

You need to be less mean.

Neil: There is no mean in science.

The only mean in science is the average of numbers.

Chelsea: All right.

Neil: That's what my father used to say.

Chelsea: He sounds like a fucking hoot. Let's go.

Amir: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Dean: First Andrew and Baxter interrupt

my breath-holding contest,

then Amir waltzes in to disturb my private Tumblr time.

Amir: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Dean: It's not my birthday. Amir: Oh, it is your birthday.

'Cause I have the perfect present for you.

Dean: Is that so? Amir: For the right price.

Dean: That is not how presents work.

If I buy it from you, it's not a gift.

You see? Amir: This gift horse

is about to impress the shit out of Dean.

This is a blue print of the office.

You get into tunnel 3,

you go down to meet tunnel 2, go down over here,

all the way up, boom, into DJ's office.

Dean: Amir, how does this help me?

Amir: Maybe kidnap him, the Chapo style?

Dean: The Chapo?

Amir: Yeah. Dean: El Chapo.

Amir: El Chapo's Spanish for the Chapo.

It's like burrito. It works the same.

Anyway, you are welcome.

Happy birthday to you.

I'll give you my Venmo account

and you can put in whatever donation.

Dean: I'm not on social media.

Amir, if I wanted to kidnap DJ,

I could do it at any time.

I'm well aware of his movements,

where he lives, where he goes.

It would be very easy to do.

Amir: Yeah, but tunnel, man. Tunnel?

Dean: We've all let this go on for far too long.

It's time to set him straight.

Amir, listen to me.

You're bad at this.

You're not good at blackmailing people,

at plotting, at getting the better of people.

It's not a talent that you possess.

You should stop -- Amir, are you crying?

Amir: Wouldn't you like to know.

Dean: Your lip is quivering, your eyes are welling up.

Amir.

I'm telling you this in a friendly way.

This is not your strong suit.

Just be good at your job and that's how you'll succeed.

Or is it ba-cheed?

Amir: It's achieve.

Maybe I'm just fake crying so I hear you say nice things.

I guess it worked.

Dean: Are you fake crying?

Amir: I will prove that Amir Yaghoob

is a master manipulator.

Maybe I'll stop crying for the right price.

Dean: I'm not going to pay you to stop crying.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, Amir. Oh.

I'm almost tempted to give you money

to make this stop.

Amir: Ah, boom!

Eight bucks, tax free,

and there's a sucker born every minute.

Dean: He left too soon. I would've gone to $1,000.

Glenn: I'm trying my best to remain professional

during this tour with my client Julianka,

but she is driving me absolutely bananas.

Now this garden's -- Julianka: Oh, sorry, Glenn.

Hello? Yeah.

No, not today. Thank you.

Glenn: Now this garden itself is maintained by a team --

Julianka: Oh, one second, Glenn.

Hello? Maybe on Wednesday. Mm-hmm.

Glenn: This garden is maintained by a team of gardeners who --

Julianka: Okay, just -- Yeah?

Oh, please. You know I am going to close.

Okay. Just, you know,

grab him by the dick or whatever.

Okay. Without asking. Okay. Thank you.

Glenn: Okay, enough! All right? Stop it!

I don't know if you're one of those Neanderthals

who thinks that you can treat real estate agents

like they're second-glass citizens,

but it is so disrespectful.

Okay, we are compassionate,

empathetic, sensitive human beings

who do not deserve to be treated like this.

Yes, we probably can't go get another job,

because we have a limited skill set

and this is all that we can do with whatever charm

that we have. We're crude salesman.

But you have no right to treat us like this.

It is so unprofessional and I have had it, all right?!

It's been happening this entire tour!

This is a property I care deeply about.

Please show it some respect.

Julianka: Okay. Know what, you're --

you're right. I'm sorry.

Glenn: Whoa. She's sorry? Is she being sincere?

Julianka: I got really caught up in the make it

or break it world of bank architecture

and sometimes I forget how to be decent to people.

Glenn: Well, I'm sorry. I lost my cool.

I appreciate her owning up to it.

Both: After you. Jinx! You owe me a soda!

Julianka: What? What?

Glenn: Wow. You say "soda"? Julianka: Yes, I say that.

Glenn: Everyone that I know always says a specific soda.

Julianka: Yeah, like, "You owe me a Coke or you owe me a..." No!

Glenn: No. Because it's up to the winner to pick the soda.

Julianka: Yeah. That's crazy.

Glenn: Wow, that's really specific.

Julianka: I -- yeah, that's something I've always done.

Glenn: Huh. That's...

You got a little something right down...

Julianka: Oh. Thank you.

Glenn: Oh, it's just your shiny hair.

Julianka: Oh, thanks. Glenn: Yeah.

Did you hear that? When I touched her hair,

it was just the sound of angels singing.

No big deal.

Your purse keeps... Julianka: Oh.

Glenn: ...sliding down -- the strap keeps...

Get this.

Julianka: Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Um...

Glenn: You know what? We -- we should see

the rest of the place. Julianka: Yeah, we should. Yes.

Glenn: Follow me. Julianka: Okay.

Chelsea: It's been an emotional roller coaster

with Dr. Neil deCicely Tyson,

but if I make this sale, it'll all be worth it.

Neil: ...that meet Class V star.

So there's really nothing that science --

oh, this is nice -- that science cannot explain.

Chelsea: Okay, I'm going to stop you there.

There are a few things science cannot explain.

Neil: No, no, no, no. Chelsea: Deja vu, that's one.

Neil: The human memory is the faultiest sense that we,

as human beings, have.

It is three-times -- Chelsea: Umami.

Neil: Amino acids make the meat

have a pleasant taste.

Chelsea: Get out your phone. I know just the thing

that'll blow his theory out of the water.

Type in "unlikely animal friendships."

Neil: I don't have to type on this phone.

I'll use Wolfram app.

Wolfram, show me "unlikely animal friendships."

Turn down the volume.

Chelsea: Okay, look. That one.

Neil: Okay. It's a wolf and a duck.

All right, obviously, it's going to be one of those

nature shows that a wolf --

Chelsea: I wouldn't say "obviously" so soon,

because this wolf and this duck are friends.

Explain that, science.

Neil: I mean, they're hanging out together, I would call it.

Chelsea: Mm-hmm, they're hanging out.

Neil: They're frol-- Chelsea: They're frolicking.

Neil: They're frolicking.

Chelsea: They're frolicking, that's the definition.

Neil: The ducky just jumped on the wolf's back.

Chelsea: Well, he's going for a ride.

Neil: But that doesn't make sense, though, because --

Chelsea: 'Cause they're buddies. Neil: Because normally,

I mean, that is a wild wolf.

Chelsea: Literal predator and prey.

Neil: But nobody's being preyed upon today, are they?

Chelsea: No, they are not. They are just hanging out.

Neil: That doesn't make sense.

Chelsea: They're laying down in a meadow.

Neil: Look at that!

Chelsea: That is a God-damn Disney movie.

Boom! Finally!

A point for Chelsea! Whoosh!

Yeah. Yeah. Neil:

Chelsea: Some things, they just are. You can't explain 'em.

Neil: Some things you cannot explain.

Chelsea: Are you all right? Neil: No, I am not all right.

I am the opposite of all right.

Chelsea: I mean, they're just -- they're just --

Neil: Lot of what -- I know that they're more than cute animals.

They are friends. They are unlikely animal...

friends.

Oh.

Hey, Dad? Mom?

Chelsea: Seems like a private... Neil: No, no, it's my mom.

Her voice -- her voice is different now.

Is Dad there?

Oh, okay. Is Aunt Suzanne there?

Apparently, my mom's a lesbian now

and she's dating some lady named Su--

See, I haven't seen her in awhile.

Chelsea: I can... Neil: No, no,

I want you to stay and listen.

Chelsea: Okay. Neil: Yeah.

Things are good.

Things are different. I have a girlfriend.

Chelsea: Huh? Neil: I think.

No, no, I don't have a girlfriend, but...

Chelsea: I had to explain to him what a girlfriend is.

He didn't buy the house.

Glenn: Apparently, there really is a thin line between love and hate,

because this house tour with Julianka

just went from terrible to terribly romantic.

I've got news for ya, I brush my teeth twice,

sometimes three times a day.

Julianka: What? So you brush your teeth after you eat?

Glenn: Yeah, I do, yeah. Julianka: That's what I do.

Glenn: Really? Julianka: Yes.

Glenn: Wow. Julianka: Every day.

Glenn: I had no idea. It's just important after meals.

Julianka: Yeah. Just another part of my routine,

like getting dressed.

Glenn: Yeah, I get dressed every day, too.

Julianka: Oh. Oh.

Sorry. Glenn: What's going on?

Julianka: Oh, shoot.

I have to go.

I have to meet a banker uptown.

Glenn: Well...

What about the house?

Julianka: I don't know.

I have to think about it.

Glenn: I -- I think it fits you.

I -- I think it would treat you right.

Julianka: I...I've been through a lot of houses.

And they all seem nice at first, but...

they end up not so great in the end.

Glenn: Hey, everyone's got a past with houses.

Julianka: I just don't know if I can take the risk.

Glenn: Oh, no. I feel like I'm losing Julianka --

I mean, the sale.

Okay, well, let's keep in touch.

Julianka: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Okay.

Julianka: I'll get back to you.

Glenn: Julianka, I -- Julianka: Glenn,

I can't buy this house.

I am a brown person and this house is pasty.

Everything's pasty and light.

Glenn: Can't we coexist?

If you're not striving for harmony,

what are you striving for?

Paint can change, skin can tan.

Julianka: This is too much for me right now. I...

I was supposed to meet someone.

Glenn: Julianka, please.

Julianka: Glenn, I thought about it and I cannot buy this house.

Glenn: Why? What is missing from this property?

Julianka: It's missing one important feature.

A feature I didn't even realize that I needed

until I saw it today.

Glenn: What is it? Is it an automated Japanese

toilet with one of those self-heating seats?

Because I can get you that.

Julianka: Is that the kind with the bidet?

Glenn: Yeah, everything is built in.

Julianka: Oh. Then that and...

and you, Glenn.

Glenn: What?

Julianka: Yeah.

Glenn: Wait. What is happening right now?

What are you doing?

Julianka: Glenndolyn Frances Bouchard...

will you marry me?

Glenn: What is...?

Oh, my jeez!

A man waits for a moment like this his whole life

and sometimes he thinks it will never come!

Chelsea: You look a little, like your color's a little...

Glenn: Chelsea: No?

Glenn: If I get horny, I'm going to take what's mine.

Annabelle: I'm going to go. You can sit down.

Woman: I'm married

and I have a slew of STDs.

Glenn: Finally, my Princess Charming has come!

Yes! Yes! Mm-hmm! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!

Julianka:

Glenn: Yes! Julianka: Oh!

Glenn: And Glenn can have it all, yes!

Yes! It's a yes!

Julianka: Sorry, it's kind of hard to breathe.

Glenn: Sorry.

Julianka: Come here. Oh. Glenn: Ooh, no, no, no.

Not until the wedding night. Julianka: Oh.

Glenn: Hey, everybody? Glenn's getting married!